Mystery Science Theater 3000 (2017–2022): Season 3, Episode 5 - Doctor Mordrid - full transcript

(people talking over each other)

- Oh, welcome to the simulator of love.

It's roller derby season,

so we're coming up with our
super tough derby names.

- Ah, problem is,

every violent pun worth its
salt has already been registered

with the international
ministry of derby branding.

- The IMDB.

Can I be 'Jamie Lee Hurt Us'?

- Oh, okay. Okay.

- Come on, come on. Doh.
- Taken.



- Oh, how about 'Peter Rabid'? (chuckles)

- Oh, yeah. Ah, taken.

- 'The Velveteen Rabid'?

- Oh, okay. Taken.
- Doh.

- Oh, what about Roger Rabbit?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's one.

- Taken.

- What?

- 'Rabid is Rich by John Up Die'?

- No way. No way. No
way. Gotta be available.

- Oh, no!

- Seriously? Oh, God.

- Gotta sell my estate.

- I cannot believe we have



to have another programming
note section with Dr. Kabal.

- The strange financier from the future.

- Yeah, exactly.

It's like, every time we do what he says,

he just gives us more stuff to do!

- Yeah and the way he just teleports in,

it's so challenging and disturbing.

It just makes me feel small.

Ah, stop doing that!

- Sorry. My future ears were burning.

- Dr. Kabal, did you hear
us griping about you?

- I didn't need to hear you now

because I've already
heard it in the future.

- Well, oh, you lost me
part way through that.

- Touch, touch, touch.

I have more suggestions for you.

Have you considered bringing
back one of the original hosts?

The future tells me having three hosts

at once would create a
lovely bit of synergy

and it can be made possible

with Gizmonic Arts's greatest
creation from the future,

the time bag.

- The time bag?

- It's kinda over here.

Isn't this thing supposed
to be able to turn?

- Oh.

Oh, the time bag!

That's what that is. I was wondering.

- A door through which to swim
through the sands of time,

they'll cross the dimensional barrier.

It'll be like Rick and
Morty, but not as frenetic.

- Now look, we've never
time traveled before.

- Oh, actually sometimes,

I close my eyes and when I open them,

I am hours into the future.

- That's called sleeping.

So, maybe you could do
the jumping through time

since you're from the future and all, huh?

- No, you must do it

or the future will be irreparably damaged.

- It's kinda convenient how you
doing hard work always seems

to damage the future.

- (chuckles) Yes, isn't it?

Don't joke about the future
because the future is where you

and I will spend the rest of our lives.

- Thanks, Chriswell.

- Okay, not it going through time.

- Just cue the theme song.

- [Producer] Here we go.

(funky music playing)

♪ In the not too distant
future next Sunday afternoon ♪

♪ The evil king of Forrester
ran her empire from the moon ♪

♪ Her latest plan was the Gizmoplex ♪

♪ A twisted scheme based on stolen specs ♪

♪ Now she's pulling the strings
from the old moon base ♪

♪ And she's back to her experiments ♪

♪ With prisoners out in space ♪

♪ I'll send them cheesy movies ♪

♪ The worst motion picture X ♪

♪ La la la ♪

♪ They'll have to sit and watch them all ♪

♪ And we'll stream them at the Gizmoplex ♪

♪ La la la ♪

♪ Now, keep in mind they can't control ♪

♪ Where the movies begin or end ♪

♪ La la la ♪

♪ They'll have to keep their sanity ♪

♪ With the help of their robot friends ♪

♪ Robot roll call ♪

♪ Cambot, and action, GPC, which one ♪

♪ Tom Servo, that's me, Croooow ♪

♪ If you're wondering how
they eat and breathe ♪

♪ And other science facts ♪

♪ La la la ♪

♪ Then repeat to yourself:
it's just a show ♪

♪ I should really just relax ♪

♪ For Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♪

- Okay, okay, I got my derby name.

Crow team robot. Gotta be me, baby.

- Is that Crow spelled with a C or a K?

- With a C.

- Taken.
- What?

- Also with a K, also with a Q.

- Ew.

- Oh, looks like the Mudville
nine minus seven are calling.

- Oh, is that name taken?

- Rise and shine, you, you, and Depreux.

Max and I got one of those things

that turns regular water into soda water,

and it is a life changer!

- My mouth has embarked on
a journey of self discovery!

- The thrill of a mouth full of bubbles,

oh, I could take on the world.

- If my tongue could talk,
it would be thanking me.

- (laughs) It's going to my head.

Whoa, ugh.

You start the invention
exchange, I need to sit down.

- Um.

- Smartphones are an
indispensable part of our lives.

I honestly don't remember how I lived

without being constantly reachable.

Time to myself? Ha, no thank you.

- But if you want a cool ring tone,

you've gotta shell out
big money for a tiny piece

of a hit song 'cause of
course, the spin doctors need

to wet their beaks.

- Until now, we've lowered the overhead

and passed the savings on to you!

Presenting, the Gilbert and Sulli-phone.

- The Gilbert and
Sulli-phone comes preloaded

with all the public domain bangers

from your favorite Gilbert
and Sullivan operettas.

- Nothing says cool like
Baroquely ornate lyrics

and stories of the English Navy.

- Get ready for your
phone to play the song

of the summer of 1879.

(old-fashioned music playing)

- Just got a text.

Ha, ha, that's actually
hilarious. (laughs)

- The Gilbert and Sulli-phone,
sell it to him, Servo.

(opera music)

♪ It is the very model of a
telephone that's portable ♪

♪ The coverage is upstanding ♪

♪ And the cost is quite affordable ♪

♪ It processes dictation
with remarkable veracity ♪

♪ The battery life's extended
with unparalleled capacity ♪

(Servo inhaling)

♪ The triple lens camera
around five accelerometers ♪

♪ The weather rep is boosted
by internal anemometers ♪

♪ And effortlessly pairs ♪

♪ With every screen device and vehicle ♪

(Servo inhaling and singing)

- Tom? Tom? Tom? Tom?

- Okay, okay.

Okay, yum yum. Yum yum, too many notes.

What do you think, Doily and Cart?

- I think I made it very clear

that light musical verse is punishable

by cutting your rations,
but first, our invention.

Having trouble moving the cogs
of government and industry?

- Oh, I'm sure your application
is around here somewhere.

- I want to bribe him,
but I don't know how!

Well, worry no more with the palm greaser.

- Seems like an issue my old friend,

George Washington, could help me with.

- Say no more, sir.

I simply place the palm greaser like so.

With the flick of the wrist,

corrupt bureaucracies melt
before you. (chuckles)

What's the problem? Do you need more?

- No, no, no, no. No.

- Today's experiment is an
installment from the MCU,

the misbegotten crap universe.

It's what happens when a second
rate superhero gets ripped

off by a third rate studio
on a fourth rate budget,

and there's also a
character named Kabal in it.

- Oh, do you think there's a connection?

Nah.

- Choke on the lackluster
magic of Dr. Mordrid.

Flush them the movie!

- [Arty] Movie in the hole!

(toilet flushing)

(Emily, Crow and Servo singing)

- We got movie sign!

(suspenseful music)

- [Emily] Dr. Mordrid?

I hope he's a network.

- [Crow] Jeffrey Brush was unavailable.

- [Servo] If you play her name backwards,

it's an actual name.

- [Emily] Can you paint with
all the Coulouris of the wind?

- [Crow] Terrible light to read by!

- [Emily] A one man
Kabal, hmm, impressive.

- [Crow] Dr. Mordrid
was filmed on location

in your rich uncle's brandy room.

- [Emily] Oh hey Crow,

I didn't know your
cousin was in this movie.

- [Crow] Yeah. Mr. big shot.

- [Servo] Once upon a
midnight, underexposed.

- [Emily] You know, they
tried to get Danny Elfman

to do the score, but had to
settle for Danny half Elfman.

- [Servo] If every shot is this long,

Lauren's gonna have an easy time of it.

- [Crow] Wanna go swim in the sea, brah?

- [Emily] Can't really blame Milo

for not wanting his full name on this one.

- [Servo] Is this Dr.
Mordrid's Zillow video?

- [Crow] Oh, wow, visual interest.

Finally! Oh, wait, wait, come back? Ah.

- [Emily] I think the camera
operator might just be lost.

- [Crow] Hey, those tapes
should be circulating.

- [Servo] Aw, the map has chicken pox.

- [Emily] The sun never
sets on the banned empire.

Oh, oh.

- [Monitor] The death's
head will seek you out.

- [Mordrid] Do you know when?

- [Monitor] No.

And if I did, I would not stop it.

- [Servo] Okay. Wow.

- I understand, Monitor.

- [Monitor] I wish you well.

- [Crow] Nanu, nanu, I guess?

- I took an oath,
- [Servo] I mean a Valium.

- And when the time comes,

I'll meet the death's
head and beat it back.

- [Emily] But good.

- [Monitor] That spirit is why I chose you

for this mission, Mordrid,

but courage alone won't be enough.

- [Crow] Looks like a
lot of people are praying

for a man named George Bailey.

(suspenseful music)

- [Servo] Why are they using
the Mary Tyler Moore font?

- [Crow] For God so loved
the world this much!

- [Emily] All right,
favorite character so far,

donkey guy.

(character speaking in foreign language)

- [Servo] One potato cigar coming up.

- [Emily] You have the
right to remain driving!

- [Servo] At least he was
polite enough to brake.

- [Crow] More like Banco dead
Rio. Heh, heh. Like that?

- [Emily] So far, Terry Gilliam
made a more accurate movie

about Brazil.

- [Crow] What's in the box?

- [Emily] It's a living.

- [Servo] This Lego house
is gonna be awesome.

- [Emily] Oh, another truck.

Maybe they know how to get
to the container store,

or at least to Target.

- [Crow] Richard Branson?
- [Servo] Dolph Lundgren.

- [Emily] Lord Flashheart?

- [Servo] Oh great.
The mixologist is here.

- [Crow] He's Frankie
Avalon's awful-ganger.

- [Emily] Now, let's see.

A crispy nigris, a flirty rose?

Oh, oh, I know. Definitely
the curse demon Merlot.

- [Servo] Which way to the Ren Faire?

- [Crow] He just had to
schedule his cataract surgery

on the first day of filming.

- [Servo] Doo, doo.
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo.

- Beyond the barrier

of heaven and earth, let it go
free into a closed dwelling.

(Crow imitating fart noise)

(Servo laughing)

- [Kabal] May it cause it to enter.

- [Emily] The world has
never seen such evil caramel!

- Primum materialis.

- [GPC] Norem Ipsum!

- Release this blood of the earth.

May it find its place with
the philosopher's stone.

- [Emily] Now, in America,
that's sorcery stone.

- [GPC] Box, to the future!

- [Crow] Yeah, no. Put 'em back on.

- You are no longer needed.

- [Servo] Raymond, don't!
Everybody loves you.

- [GPC] I am Mary mother of God

and I don't approve this message!

(suspenseful music)

- [Servo] Move your
finger off the lens, Brad!

- [Crow] We now return to EPCOT
Soarin' already in progress.

- [GPC] I'm walking in the air.

- [Emily] Man, Superman is wasted.

- [Crow] Well, I guess if
you pay for the helicopter,

you gotta use the flange.

- [Servo] I'm blind!

- [Emily] Sam Raimi's the apartment.

- [Servo] I'm blind again!

- [Crow] Is that a vaping jacket?

- [Emily] Did I leave the stove on?

- [Crow] I had the weirdest dream.

I was going to play Dr. Strange,

but we lost the rights to the character,

and then just went ahead
and made the movie anyway!

(Servo laughing)

- [Servo] I'll get back
to you later, Uncle Johns.

- [Emily] Oh, hello, ma' dears.

- [Crow] Heh, heh, silly me.

I need to switch to my evening necklace.

(dog barking)

- [Servo] That's the sound of the police!

- [Bernstein] The lease
said we can have pets.

- That horse barks all night long

at three o'clock in the morning.

He wakes up the whole neighborhood!

- He needs to go for a walk.
The night air does some good.

The only one that wakes up
the neighborhood is you!

- If I don't sleep, nobody sleeps.

I checked with my doctor.

He said, I could sue
you and that rotten dog

for keeping me up.

- [Emily] Quiet, lady. I'm a lawyer.

- You're threatening me?

You're some kind of a big deal lawyer?

- [Golden] No,

but my nephew Morris is gonna
start law school in two years.

- [Bernstein] Why wait?

- [Crow] Grab a Snicker's.

- Baby.

Sit. Baby, sit. Sit.

- [Servo] I own you, pal.
I'll sit when I wanna sit.

- Ms. Hunt. You're a policewoman.

Mrs. Golden has threatened to sue me

because Baby barks when he
wants to go out at night,

but my lease says I can have pets

and my dog is my pet and dogs bark!

- [Emily] Well, I'm convinced.

- [Hunt] Mr. Bernstein,
I'm not a police woman.

I'm just a research consultant
to the police department.

- Then consult until the law's on my side.

- Missy, if you're so connected,

will you tell this man
to keep his dog quiet

or you'll throw him in jail?

- Mr. Bernstein, you're gonna
have to figure out a way

to keep Baby quiet.

Otherwise, she can call the police on you.

- Right, right, right!

- And Mrs. Golden, if you call the police,

I'm gonna have to tell them
how I can hear your television

through my bedroom wall,
and then everybody will be

in jail except Baby.

- [Crow] Nobody backs baby in a corner!

- Let's enjoy the night
air, or what's left of it.

- And I'm still gonna
talk to my nephew, Morris!

- [Servo] The cat?

- And I'm gonna talk to
the building manager.

- Ah, you mean the invisible man?

- And I'm gonna write to the owner!

- We don't know who that is, yet.

- [Golden] And I'm gonna tell
him how you'd cause trouble

between the tenants, you and your horse.

- [Hunt] Goodnight, Mrs. Golden.

- [Golden] Good night.

- [Crow] So, nice robes, we're having.

- I'd say a hundred years ago,

New York was a nice place to live.

- It was.

- It was?

- I mean,

- [Emily] It 'twas?

- It looks like it was.

- [Hunt] Oh, yeah.

- [Servo] Look at the size of those dogs.

- You know, I've been here since Christmas

and this is only the second
time I've ever seen you.

- [Crow] Well, it is December 27th.

- I work a lot.

- Yeah, me too.

- [Emily] I'm also a liar.

- Sorry about all the commotion.

- Ah, that's okay.

- [Crow] Doctor of passive aggression.

- Oh, listen. I'm kind of curious about-

- [Servo] Dr. Mordrid, sorcerer supreme,

uses his incredible powers to
escape awkward, small talk.

- [Emily] Am I in love?

- [Crow] I guess that cup
of sugar's gotta wait.

- [Servo] Dr. Mordrid,
you've done it again,

you smooth bastard.

- She's right, Edgar.

A hundred years ago, this
was a nice place to live.

- [Emily] And thanks to rent control loss,

I'm still only paying four bucks
a month for this apartment!

- [Crow] Tired of one
TV for every channel?

Try cable and leave the flipping to us.

- [Servo] Oh,

so Dr. Mordrid runs a
VHS duplication business.

- [Crow] Revenge of the Nerds two,

the TV cut with commercials.

- [News Reporter] Authorities are baffled

by this turn of events.

Montoya never gave any
indication something was amiss.

He had been a loyal bank
employee for many years

and no one can explain his actions.

Police as yet have no
clue as to the motive

behind this shocking incident.

At this time, the shipment of
platinum has not been found.

- [Emily] I have no idea
which TV that's coming from.

- Platinum.

- [Servo] I've been calling
it 'plateenum' for years!

- [Crow] Universal remote, my ass.

- [Emily] Furniture provided
by the magic castle.

- [Servo] Let's see, dead
sea scrolls, exalted scrolls,

Elder Scrolls for Oblivion, yes!

- [Crow] That's impossible.

This says I should be
wearing a seven and a half!

- [Emily] Is he trying
to break into that map?

(suspenseful music)

- [Servo] Time to make the donuts.

- Time and place check.

- [Crow] Thank you, time and place.

- This could be coincidence, Edgar.

- [Emily] Or nothing
more. (imitates bird yell)

- [Servo] My map of Cinnabon
locations is complete.

- Or the first sign.

- [Crow] We now return to Cop Rock on ABC.

- Hector Elizondo, no, come back!

We need your gravitas!

- If you hadn't translated
that Egyptian garbage

that nut wrote on the
victim's bedroom wall,

we would've never nailed it.

- It wasn't Egyptian.

It was Urdu, the death curse of Fasid.

- Yeah, which gave this
ya-hoo the great idea

to stuff his grandmother
in a trash compactor.

I know.
- [Crow] Ohh.

- You guys didn't have a clue.

- Hey, a lot of good
detectives broke their asses

on this case.

- Yeah, that's right, including me.

- No, no. I mean real detectives.

- [Servo] With real asses.

- But we would've
stumbled on it eventually.

- Well, I'm glad I saved you some time.

- What do you want me to say?

You did a great job on this case?

Okay, you did.

- Thank you so much, but
I know I did a good job.

- Why are you making this tough? Huh?

Won't you lemme show you
the city's appreciation?

- The mayor sends me a
Christmas card every year.

- [Emily] She's asked him to stop.

- I can do better than that.

- [Crow] You like cheese?

- Really?

So why don't you talk to your chief

about giving his special
consultants a raise?

- [Servo] How about two Christmas cards?

- How about dinner?

- I know what you're thinking. It shows.

Gotta go, I'm late.

- [Emily] I've got a meeting
with a lawyer named Mer Mada.

- [Servo] Meanwhile,
later, later that evening.

- [Mordrid] In San Francisco,

a killer who claimed that
his actions were dictated

by the signs of the Zodiac
terrorized that city for months.

Now, of course, such a defense
wouldn't hold up in court,

but there is medical
precedent for such a claim.

- [Crow] Shemar Moore meets Jensen Ackles!

- [Emily] Now Brooks is in this?

- The cycles of the moon,

- [Servo] Are fake.

- Have been proven to affect the tides,

magnetic polarity, and human behavior.

The word lunatic comes
from the Latin Lunas,

which means moon.

- [Crow] As in bare butt.

- We all know that when
things get a little crazy,

someone always remarks, there
must be a full moon tonight.

- [Emily] They do?

- Which explains what
you're all doing here.

- [Servo] This is the best
spot I've had in weeks!

- The basis of criminology
is the understanding

of the mysteries of the human mind,

psychological motivations,
thought patterns, so on.

- [Emily] Wait, what?

- [Mordrid] It was all too
often rejected completely

by the so-called experts as
the fact that our thoughts,

our beliefs, actions,

- [Crow] Smells.

- Are influenced by much more
than what we experience here

on the mortal plane.

Mysticism,

- [Servo] 'Mister-cism'.

- [Mordrid] Supernatural, the supranormal,

- [Emily] The super duper.

- Have been a part of man's
experience from the beginning

and they cannot be ignored.

- [Crow] And time. Ah, new personal best!

- And if a criminal embraces
the fantastic as his motivation

for violent behavior,
can we afford to ignore

that motivation simply
because it doesn't fit

into our limited notion
of the order of things?

- [Crow] Yes.
- I think not.

- [Crow] Oh.

- [Mordrid] Thank you so much for coming.

- [Servo] That's my time.

Check out more of my stuff on YouTube.

I'm Anton Mordrid, have a good night.

(Crow imitating Seinfeld theme)

- [Emily] Paging doctor awesome,

there's a call for you
on the nailed it phone.

- [Crow] Insufficient funds?

- [Servo] Hello, books. Daddy's home.

- [Crow] You're late. Dinner's cold!

- [Emily] Such a graceful dancer's walk.

He's like the Fred
Astaire of the dark arts.

- [Servo] Yep. It's cartoon time.

- [Emily] Oh, and the
diuretic just kicked in.

(Servo laughing)

- [News Reporter 2] Shot himself

before startling the
police officers, today.

Moments before the incident,

Castez had hijacked one of his own areas,

loaded with industrial
stones worth a million Rand.

- [Crow] Stiff up a lip, though.

- [News Reporter 2] Castez
surrendered to the officers,

then took his own life.

- [Emily] Where did he take it?

- [News Reporter 2] Whereabouts

of the diamonds remains a mystery.

- [Servo] In other news, the
rain in Spain tastes mainly

in the plain.

- [Emily] Where in the
world is Carmen San Diego?

- [Crow] Hey, he sunk my Africa!

- [Servo] Wait, do I hear geography?

- [Emily] I wonder if he is hungry

after all that bloviating.

- [Crow] Then I'll take my glasses off

and he'll see how hot I got this summer.

- Doctor, it's Samantha
Hunt from down the hall.

- [Servo] You know, that
ever loving blue eyed,

Crimson robed, bobby soxer.

- [Emily] Gold Twizzlers? Huh.

Well, I guess it's a table
for one at Chuck E. Cheese.

- And when things get a little strange,

someone always remarks, there
must be a full moon tonight,

which explains what you're all doing here.

(everyone laughing)

They think you're funny, Anton.
Give them what they want.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, diddle
diddle, the cat and the fiddle.

The cow jumped over the moon
and the moon was like, whoa,

babe, buy me dinner first.

(Crow laughing)

- Ah yeah, that's racy!

- Oh ho, buy me dinner first.
That's a classic, classic!

- You know, you know,
on the way over here,

the moon hit my eye like a big pizza pie.

That's not amore. That's assault.

(everyone laughing)

- Oh, he's saying what we're all thinking!

- You ever notice how the moon waxes

and then it wanes again?

Giveth me a break. Am I right, folks?

- Heh, heh, heh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I got that one, sure.

- The first man on the
moon was Neil Armstrong.

Neil Armstrong, huh?

Maybe if his legs stronger,
he wouldn't have to kneel.

- Wait, what?

- Okay, do another nursery rhyme.

- They got this sandwich over

at Denny's called Moons Over My Hammy.

Moons.

Hey, Denny's marketing
geniuses, there's only one moon!

- Pitiful!

- It's just a whimsical
play on words. Get over it!

- Don't quit your day job.

- This is my day job!

- Then quit your day job.

(everyone laughing)

- Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

What's the moon's favorite
laundry detergent?

Tide.

(everyone laughing)

- Oh, he won us back, that son of a gun!

- This is the greatest moment of my life!

- Oh, we got movie sign!

- [Servo] Okay, that was definitely not

in his renter's agreement.

- [Emily] Ugh, you could
sand a plank with that skin.

- [Crow] Oh, I see.

- [Servo] James Brown wants his cape back.

- [Emily] Oh, you're breaking my leg.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

- [Servo] His mood orb
says he's feeling calm.

- [Crow] Tee, hee, hee, that tickles.

- [Emily] Time to boot up the old Xbox.

- Monitor, contact me.

- [Servo] Monitor, you up?

- [Monitor] I am here.

- [Crow] Well, my eyes are here.

The rest of me is in Scottsdale.

- The first and second
signs have come to pass.

Great quantities of basic
alchemic elements have been stolen

at the times and places predicted.

- [Monitor] What does
this tell you, Mordrid?

- [Emily] I was hoping you would know.

- That the death's head has escaped.

- [Monitor] This is so.
- [Servo] Raven.

- But how?

- [Monitor] You must cross over.

- [Crow] To the R&B charts.

- You know my ability is limited, Monitor.

- [Monitor] You must,
and learn for yourself.

Is it not part of your duty?

- [Emily] If you had a
nose, I'd punch you in it.

- [Servo] Wait, I need
your half of the rent!

- [Crow] I guess it's just me and you, KB.

- [Emily] But who will tape my stories?

- [Crow] A ring light?
Is he streaming this?

- [Servo] Now I am become
death, the rearranger of worlds.

- [Emily] I think this movie is having a

near death experience.

- [Servo] Ooh,

what marvelous short term
discounts does Kmart have

for Dr. Mordrid?

- [Crow] His ephemera!

- [Emily] His raven just
kited out the place.

- [Servo] The song of ice and fire!

- [Crow] Bonfire of the vanities!

- [Emily] Richard Pryor's autobiography!

- [Servo] Sorry, books. I never loved you.

- [Crow] I'm blue da ba dee da ba di

(crew singing Blue Da Ba Dee)

- [Emily] All right,

anyone else just hoping he just vaporized?

- [Servo] Yeah, sure.

Pal's Mordrid castle.

- [Crow] Bones your! Heh, heh.

- [Servo] Okay, who wears
a cape with their pajamas?

- [Emily] Oh, don't look up.

They'll know you're a tourist.

- [Servo] Whoa, I could
fit all my maps in here.

- [Servo] $10 Cover.

- Move and your dead.

- [Crow] Okay.

- Breath and you'll be ripped to pieces.

- Gunner, it's me,

- [Emily] Blue boy!
- Mordrid!

- [Servo] You're comped.

- Wow, I'll be damned, a friendly voice.

I never thought I'd hear
another as long as I lived.

- [Emily] Two more weeks?

- How the hell are you son?

- [Crow] Hagar, you're looking horrible.

- Still standing guard
in my post on earth.

Gunner, what happened?

- [Servo] What do you mean?

- We let our guard down.

- Kabal.

- See for yourself. He killed 'em.

I don't know how many during his escape.

- [Emily] Eleven-ty?

- The last thing I saw was
a fire storm he conjured up.

It would've been kinder to kill me.

Instead, he melted my
eyes from the sockets

and left me here as an
example of what a cosmic son

of a bitch he is..

- [Crow] Wish he'd melted your mouth.

- [Gunner] He tried to take
the hell spawn with him,

but I beat him back with the
last bit of magic I had in me.

Now, all I can do is try and keep a lid

on those ugly bastards.

- [Servo] Rappers, hold.

- [Gunner] He's coming for you.

He'll journey across to the world

of three dimensions and kill you.

- He's already there,

- [Emily] That's why I'm over here.

- Gathering great quantities
of alchemic elements.

- [Gunner] Then we're too late. Aren't we?

- No.

- Don't sell Kabal short.
He's a tricky son of a bitch.

- [Crow] Language, no eyes!

- Powerful Alchemist.

- [Servo] Quiet. Sniff this.

- [Emily] Peek-a-boo.

- I'm powerful, too.

- [Crow] Now you say it.

- You look good, old friend.

- My God, I bet I do.

- [Servo] And the cleaning
lady owes me a refund!

- There's nothing left
here for me to give you.

- [Emily] Except mad cow disease.

Thank you isn't good enough.

- Forget it.

Besides, you can't stand
guard if you can't see.

- [Servo] So go back to work.

- You stand for guard over
earth for a hundred man years.

Do you see?

- [Crow] Sorry, too soon.

- [Gunner] How it will end it all.

- I'm losing earth time.

Already, days have past
since I arrived here.

- Then get back and nail
that son of a sorcerer.

- [Emily] So now you
start with the euphemisms.

- Good bye, old friend.

- Good luck.

- [Crow] Oh, my eyes. My eyes!

- [Servo] The casual Sam
action figure comes complete

with Canadian tuxedo.

- [Emily] Tip toe through my
condo through my neighbor,

through his spooky door.

- [Crow] Oh no, it's a farce.

- I wouldn't bother.

I haven't seen him in a week.

I tried to invite him to
join the tenants committee

and he never even answered my note.

- Well, I'll tell him all
about it for you, Mrs. Golden.

- [Servo] Now, shoe.

- Thank you.

- Goodnight.

- Goodnight.

- [Emily] All right, doctor.
This time, I've got a warrant.

- [Servo] One does not
simply walk into Mordrid's.

- [Crow] Meanwhile, on planet Zardoz.

- [Emily] In case of
plot point, break glass.

- [Servo] Eh, heaven can wait.

- Come here!

- [Golden] Oh my God, what's happening?

The building's on fire!

- [Crow] They sent the JV firefighters.

- What's all this?

- [Servo] Why do you axe?

- Well, this young lady
called in an alarm.

- [Crow] My robe buddy?

- There's no fire.

- What?
- [Emily] But I set one!

- I thought you were burning up in there.

- No, no, I'm fine, as you can see.

- [Crow] Just a standard time portal.

- I'm glad you're safe, sir.

- [Servo] Would you
like a turn down service

since we're here?

- Sorry, guys.

- [Emily] Oh, I wanted to use my axe.

- Didn't I see you at the station?

It's Ms. Hunt, right?

- That's right.

Overworked and underpaid
by the 10th precinct,

just like you guys.

- I just wanna make sure
I got the name right.

Calling in a false alarm's
against the law, lady.

You'll be hearing from us.

- [Servo] All right, everybody.
After party at my place.

- Thank you, gentlemen.

- [Servo] I love your calendars.

- I'm so sorry. God, you
must be so tired of me.

I'm like your typical nosy neighbor.

- Oh no. You're not nosy, you're,

- [Crow] Desperate, invasive.
- [Servo] Nosy is accurate.

- Interesting.

- [Emily] Mm.

- [Crow] Come on in. I'll
show you where the fire was.

- Goodnight, Mrs. Golden.

- Disgusting.

- [Emily] Public displays of endearment.

- You live here?

- [Servo] Now I know why
my place is a studio.

- Please, make yourself comfortable.

- [Crow] By the way, everything is a door.

- God, this place is incredible.

- How do you like your coffee?

- Black's fine.

- [Emily] Then add cream and six sugars.

- These volumes are amazing.

- [Servo] Thanks. I like loud the best!

- I've been collecting
them for a long time.

- [Emily] And burning them
most of the afternoon.

- This book is 200 years old.

- [Crow] Yeah. I've seen my stuff.

- Did it go through a fire?

- Oh, I had a fire once. Just not tonight.

(bird squawking)

- [Servo] Hose the dish.

- What is this?

- Oh, that's Edgar Allen.

- [Emily] The furniture guy?

- [Mordrid] He's my bodyguard.

- Oh, I bet he's good at his job.

- I can count on him.

- [Crow] To stay quiet and let Daddy work.

- So are all these
books on the black arts?

- And demonology, criminology,

- [Emily] Scientology.

- Sorcery.

- [Servo] Of course-ery.

- Druid?

- What?

- This pendant, it's great.

- [Servo] I'm not married.

- No. That's not druid.

- [Emily] You idiot. Please leave.

- It's something I had made privately.

Now, let me ask you one.
(Crow slurping loudly)

- [Servo] You watch Que Pasa?

- Why'd you come to my lecture?

- It's part of my job.

I'm a special consultant
to the NYPD involving cults

and Satanism, mostly on homicide cases.

- [Emily] Law and Mordor.

- So you are a policewoman.

- [Hunt] Well, not exactly.

Are you doing grant research?

- [Crow] You or Amy?

- I have a regular stipend,

but I'm focused on just one subject.

- [Servo] Ballroom dancing.

- Demonology?

- No.

- [Emily] Tetris.

- A man.

- [Crow] Meanwhile, atta tah.

- [Emily] This just isn't
the same without MC scat cat.

- [Servo] Yeah.

♪ Just now, baby, show and tell ♪

- Hey, would you come on?

It's almost time.

- [Servo] Because jellicles
do angelicals be jellicles.

- [Singer] Babe, did you really
speak to him or you just...

- [Crow] Watch his Instagram story?

- The dude spoke to me.

- [Servo] Lebowski?

- I heard him right in here.

- [Emily] I want in that head hole.

(Emily making gargling sounds)

- It's gonna be great.

Kabal could have picked anybody
in the world to help him

and he picked us.

- It's a real honor, babe,
like meeting Jagger backstage.

- [Crow] Remember when we
met Bianca Jagger, babe?

- Is there a spell to conjure him?

- I don't know.

He just said to have
everything ready by midnight

and they'd give us a
sign of what to do next.

- [Servo] And then we Venmo him?

- Well then, we just gotta trust.

- [Emily] That the new
script pages will show up.

- Yes.

- [Servo] Happy new year!

- [Crow] Whoa, that guy hates windows.

- [Emily] That's Siegfried.
He's still got pizazz.

- Jesus Christ.

- [Servo] No, Ric Flair, woo!

- [Crow] Oh, are we on?
(imitates bird yell)

- I'd love to meet anybody

who thought they were actually a sorcerer.

- I don't think you wanna meet Kabal.

- Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to sound pushy.

I just meant that I can't wait
to read your book about him.

- [Emily] I was actually thinking podcast.

- Well, you might get your chance.

- Any plans after you finish your book?

- [Crow] Pft, finish?

- A long vacation.

- I should probably be going.

- [Servo] Now that she's
seen the place, she's bored.

- All right.

- Now that I've made it
into the inner sanctum,

I hope I see you again.

- Well listen,

- [Emily] Bzzt.

Need any professional advice

or you wanna look at the
library, you feel free.

- [Crow] I'm never home
and my door will burn you.

- You're welcome.
- Huh?

- [Servo] You can't fit a BN in there.

- This is my rent check.
How did you get it?

You own the building, don't you?

- [Emily] You capitalist pig, you.

- No wonder you keep such a low profile.

You're the landlord.

- Now, you won't spread it
around, will you, miss Hunt?

- [Crow] I've already tweeted it.

- Will you get somebody to
come fix my garbage disposal?

- Done.

- Your secret's safe with me.

- [Servo] Until the red strike.

- Good night.

Watch over the landlord, Edgar.

- [Mordrid] Good night.

- [Emily] (imitates bird
yell) Landlords are vultures.

- [Crow] Okay, let's get
this christening started.

- This worship in ruins.

- [Servo] I've spared this window

so it will warn the others!

- Appropriate, Adrian.

- Hey, we were cast out of heaven, right?

- That we were.

- [Emily] And for the record,
it did hurt when we fell?

- You see? Everything's
just as you wanted it.

- It appeared right out of the sky.

- [Crow] Like mana.
- Perfect.

Diamonds,

- [Servo] Are Kabal's best friend.

- Wonders I can create
from this primitive earth.

- [Emily] Heh, heh, drugs, right?

- What about Concord labs?

- Well, I guess you can
go anytime you want.

- That can wait.

- [Crow] Until business hours.

- Do you find out about the
cosmopolitan museum, as I asked?

- I drew the map myself.

- Irene can draw great.

- The medieval exhibit's in the West wing,

all the way in the back.

- What about sentries?

- Four in the West wing, day and night.

Does that bug you?

- [Emily] I'm not thrilled.

- It's important to know
the numbers of your enemies.

- I'll kill 'em all for you, man.

- [Crow] Ooh, slow down.

- You don't have to tell
us what you're gonna do

or anything, but are you
gonna finance an army

to slaughter these ignorant pigs?

- Something like that.

- [Emily] Aw, wait, come on back.

He was about to tell us!

- [Crow] This movie is really dragon.

- [Servo] How dare you.

- Look, he's pondering, weak and weary.

- [Emily] Where am I gonna find a guy

to fix a garbage disposal?

- [Crow] Ooh, is that bacon?

- [Servo] Oh no. It's time o'clock.

- It's late.

- [Emily] My DoorDash
should be here by now.

- [Servo] Nice filing system, Tony.

- Hey hon, you're queen
of the freak squad.

What do you make of these?

- Dead woman.
- [Crow] Next question.

- Dead runaway, completely
drained of blood.

The folks filed an MJ report
on her six months ago.

I was talking about the mark on her face.

The killer made it with this ring.

What do you think?

I thought maybe it was
some kind of a letter

from a foreign alphabet.

- [Emily] Like British or something.

- [Hunt] No, it was especially designed.

Look, I know someone
who's a real authority

on this sort of stuff.

I mean, he's kind of a recluse,

but I'm sure he'd be glad to help us.

- [Servo] I don't work with spiders.

- I'll give him a call.

- Thanks.

(Crow imitating chewing sounds)

- [Emily] All right. Yes, we get it.

Wizards love opening boxes.

- [Crow] I can't remember
what this contraption does.

I have so many doo-dads.

- [Servo] These only spread sexy butter.

- [Crow] Look, I'm sorry.

I'll remember to put the toilet seat down.

- [Emily] Is this a dagger
which I see before me?

Seriously, I don't know.

- [Servo] Should we be seeing this?

- [Crow] Don't try this at home, kids.

This is a paid amateur actor.

- [Emily] Oh God. Even
his stomach is a door.

- [Crow] Nice try, pal,

but you ain't getting out of this movie.

- [Servo] I'm gonna pay for that later.

Better take a preemptive Tums.

- [Emily] Little song, little dance,

little dagger down my pants.

- [Servo] That's so embarrassing.

He ate the main course knife
before the salad knife.

- [Crow] Ooh, the dark arts are grody.

- [Emily] Mhm.

Ooh, not gonna lie, that
one burned a little bit.

- [Servo] Oh, sorry.

I forgot to put in the
area code of the church.

- [Crow] Feel the wrath of 52 card pickup!

- The crystals of Endor. It
will take more than that.

- [Emily] It will take eight walks.

- I have more.

- I should think so.

You've had over a hundred earth
years to prepare for this.

- [Crow] Gulp.

- Why don't you use some
of your legendary powers

against me, now?

- I can transport my spirit, as well.

- [Servo] Through Enya.

- Remember?

- Why do you persist?

Why care you, what
happens to these vermin?

- [Emily] They pay him rent.

- What difference does it make
if I want this dying planet?

- That's not what our power is for.

- For what, then?

- [Crow] Balloon animals?

- For 10 of their centuries,

we've lived on the other side waiting,

- [Servo] For Guffman.

- Waiting for our chance
to take our rightful place

as Gods in a godless world.

- A sorcerer is not a God.

- [Emily] But a hot dog is a sandwich.

- He teaches these animals
the real meaning of fear

by bringing forth their worst nightmares,

nightmares I can control.

- [Servo] One, two,
Kabal's coming for you.

- A world of slaves, just for us

if you choose not to fight me.

- [Crow] You still mad about Shelly?

- I still guard the pathway.

- Like you guarded me?

- [Emily] Oh, point Kabal.

- Then I will have use of the pathway.

- [Servo] Melt his eyeballs!

- Of the third dimension will rip,

the demons will be loose,

and all you'll be able to do
is hear their mortal screams.

- It's not their screams I'll be hearing.

- You're a fool, Anton!

- [Crow] Dr. Fool.

- If the people of earth
knew what you really were,

they would kill you, then
you choose to protect them.

- They are primitive in many ways,

but I took a oath to help them.

- [Emily] Well, not the French.

- And that's exactly what I'm going to do.

- [Servo] Kiss. Just kiss already.

- [Crow] Kiss, kiss kiss.
- Before this is over,

- [Emily] And this will drag on.

- I'll drink your blood
and feed on your flesh

and it will taste sweet.

- [Emily] Like Ovaltine
and circus peanuts.

- [Servo] Wonder what he wanted?

- I have been tasked with
defending the earth from Kabal.

Countering a sorcerer

of his cunning will take
total concentration.

- Hey, Mordrid!

That dog in 3G is making a racket again.

You promised me this
was a no pet building!

- Now please, good tenant,
I know as your landlord,

I am tasked with living
up to my responsibilities

as outlined in the lease,

but I have also been tasked
with saving the earth from evil

and seeing as that is a greater task,

perhaps the dog problem can just wait?

- Oh sure, it can wait.

It can wait 'til I call
the housing commission

about that illegal sublet in 4F.

- Stay thy official complaint,
I shall address my point.

Candus quietest sparkus sipus.

It is done,

and now if I could return to
my oath to protect the earth.

- Hey, what you do

on your own time is your business, weirdo.

- I knew, I knew I should
have sold this building

when I inherited it from my grandmother,

but now is not the time for regrets.

It is the time to close the door

to which sinister forces seek.

- [Neighbor] Hey, Mordy.

My garbage disposal's out the plague.

Fix it, stat. I gotta
get rid of my old socks.

- That's not what it's for and I promise,

I promise to address that issue

as soon as I rescue all civilization.

- [Neighbor] Hey, but I gots
to get rid of those socks now!

- Compactus intactus.

Now, if it pleases,

may I return to being the
final defense of humanity?

- [Neighbor] Well,
excuse me, Mr. Big Shot.

- [Crow] Hey, land Mord.

- What beat, now?

- Those giant blue eyes
in my kitchen are back.

Call the exterminator!

- Those are the eyes of Monitor,

he who tasked me with the roll
of defender of all reality.

- I don't care if he is Frankie
fricking Sinatra, wise guy.

You get rid of him or the headline

in tomorrow's post's gonna be:

sorcerer super is peepo creepo.

- Fine.

I'll merely take another break
from ensuring the survival

of the cosmos.

Mias bias giant-ias. There.

- Hey wait, is that a bowling ball?

- My magic orb? No, of course not.

- [Neighbor] You mean all this time,

she's been casting spells
with a Columbia 300?

- No. No, I can't let Kabal
learn my shameful secret.

Forget about it!

- [Neighbor] Oh, where am I?

- Amnesia spell.

Only in New York!

Whoa, we got intermission sign!

So yeah, so then you put
your fingers in the holes,

- Yeah.

- And then you walk towards the
lane and pull the ball back.

- And you need special shoes for that,

shoes that other people have worn?

- It's a little gross,

but I like to think of it
making a new friend, feet first.

But anyway, then you throw it
and you try and hit the pins.

- But where are we gonna
find a bowling pin up here?

- Hm.

- What? Why are you guys
staring at me like that?

No, no, no, no, no! It's my last one!

- Oh, we got movie
sign! Get inside, crow!

- [Mordrid] What you're doing detective.

You are making a big mistake!

- What the hell's going on here?

- Questioning your neighbor
on suspicion of homicide.

- What?

- I'm afraid they won't
listen to me, Ms. Hunt.

- We'll listen to you all you
want in the interrogation.

- [Crow] My diamonds!

- I need that.

- You don't need nothing.
Get him out of here.

- I'm sorry, Anton. Are you crazy?

(Emily making gargling noises)

- Hanging around with a nut like that?

- Anton Mordrid is a respected
researcher of the black arts.

Now, I sent you to him

so he could help you
saw this case, damn it!

- Yeah, which you did,
as soon as I saw this.

You see, this matches the burn
marks on the dead girl's face

and then I started to question him

and he started talking about,

oh, blood spells and kinds of things.

- [Servo] And gardening tips.

- He didn't kill that girl, Tony.

- Then he's an accomplice
or it's a cult thing.

He's connected to it somehow.

- Oh, are you telling
me you're holding him

on a murder charge.

- Hey, don't get pissed off.

I'm gonna put in a good word
with you with the captain.

This was a good lead. You did real good.

- [Crow] I am never gonna get
that garbage disposal fixed.

- [Emily] Grill 'em like a foreman, Tony.

- A philosopher's what?

- Stone?

- What is that, like a Blarney stone?

- [Servo] A smoochin' rock?

- It's like a vessel,

a cup that an alchemist
uses to mix his elements.

There's one on display in
the cosmopolitan museum.

- Okay.

So if I were like a wizard-

- Alchemist!

- Whatever.
- [Emily] Third base.

- What would I mix in this cup?

Eye of newt? Dried spiders?

- [Emily] Peeled grapes
that I call eyeballs?

- Do you use blood, maybe?

You see, that girl we
found didn't have a drop

of blood in her.

- You might use blood, detective.

The other end of the spectrum
will be a radioactive element.

It depends upon the
spell you want to cast,

and that depends upon the
sorcerer's intentions,

whether it's good or evil.
- [Crow] Or marriage.

- And I guarantee you, detective,

Kabal's intentions are worse than evil.

- [Servo] Then tell me this.
Why am I turned on right now?

- You know, doctor,

I'm trying very hard to
believe what you're telling me.

See, I know all about
divine good, ultimate evil.

- [Emily] Ultimate frisbee.

- I was an altar boy for five years.

- [Servo] Flunked out.

- [Detective] And my cousin,
Angelo, he's from Jersey.

He took his vows for the priesthood.

- [Crow] He's the most Italian.

- [Detective] And until you
make a little bit more sense,

I'm just gonna keep you here.

- [Emily] And chew gum
loudly into your ear.

- [Servo] I just love trumped up charges.

- [Crow] Time for a nice,
hot cup of pasta sauce.

- [Emily] Tony, that's a filing cabinet.

- [Hunt] Here, try this.

- [Crow] It's a hammer.

- Nothing.
- [Servo] Bupkis.

- Which is exactly what I'm getting

outta your fruitcake friend.

He talks in riddles.
- [Emily] And limericks.

- Why don't you let me speak to him?

- Forget it.

- Oh, come on, Tony. I
understand this stuff.

It might clear some things up.

- [Crow] Wait, are those my glasses?

- You like this guy?

- [Servo] Why, did he talk about me?

- I just wanna talk to him.

- No chance.

- He might tell me something
he wouldn't tell you, okay?

- [Emily] Landlord things.

- [Hunt] You wanna link
him to this murder?

You're gonna need a lot more
on him than you have, now.

- Look, according to you,

he's got nothing to do
with the killings anyway.

- That's right I don't think he does,

but he might still trust
me and maybe he'll,

- [Servo] Marry me!

- I'll keep the statement
recorder running, okay?

- [Crow] Capish?

- Hm, you're God damn right you will.

- Thank you.

- [Emily] He looks like if
Harry Potter worked at a bank.

- Hey, if he's such a great magician,

why don't you see if he can get
my money outta this machine?

- [Crow] And then pull it outta my ear.

- [Servo] Dixie stampede!

- [Emily] Hey, it does its own spit take.

- [Crow] I don't have long.

Let's talk about my garbage disposal.

- Doctor, I am so sorry about all this.

It's all my fault.

I sent Gaudio to you to
advise him on this case,

not bust you.

- Your detective friend
isn't too bright, is he?

- Listen, is there somebody
I can call for you?

A lawyer?
- [Servo] Edgar?

- They took my amulet.
Can you get it back?

- It's in the lab.

- [Emily] And by lab, I mean the trash.

- [Servo] Now, you put them on.

- That's kindy-garten stuff.

Don't be a fool, picking
locks, walking outta here.

- [Crow] Kidney-garten?

- The problem is my mortal form.

- [Emily] It's my new band.

- Mortal form?

- I can be killed in this state

and there's something vitally
important I have to do.

- Anton, for your own good,

you really should have some counsel.

- That kind of formality
would just delay everything.

- Delay?

These guys can figure out ways
of keeping you here forever.

- She'll never pay rent again!

- I thought

that the police would help
me prevent the next murder,

that they would
understand, the way you do.

- [Crow] I understand nothing.

- Kabal is a demon who uses
mortals to do his bidding.

- [Emily] He's currently
driving up the price

of a Picasso at Sotheby's.

- This guy that you're
writing the book about,

is he involved in all this?

- Sam, I'm not writing a book.

- [Crow] I am the book.

- And I'm not doing any research
about some abnormal person

who thinks he has magical powers, either.

- [Servo] He's just staying in grad school

to put off his crushing debt.

- I have to tell you something.

- [Emily] I'm pregnant.

- Show you something,

so that you'll comprehend the magnitude

of why I cannot be held here any longer.

- [Servo] Through the medium of dance.

- Everything we say is being recorded.

- [Emily] We're live on Twitch.

Thanks to donkey Dan
for the three month sub.

- Just so long as you hear me.

- Hey, Mort. How's it going?

- I've gained 12 pounds on my new diet

and I don't know what the
hell you brought me, here.

I can't tell you what kinda metal it is

'cause I can't even scratch it

to get a sample to analyze it.

The diamond bit doesn't even make a mark.

- [Crow] Oh hi, Mark.

- I told you, the guy's
some kind of magician.

- [Emily] Illusionist, Michael.

- Maybe it's something
he made up, himself.

- Then he's a God damn genius.

- [Crow] And Kevin from
the office would know.

- I want you to see,

- [Servo] Sicily 1922.

- Two young boys, students, born in,

- [Emily] Schenectady?

- Another world of magic and sorcery,

- [Servo] Oh, Canada.

- A dimension away from
the one that you know here

on planet Earth.

- [Crow] That is one hypnotic Kleenex.

- [Emily] Why did I come to work, today?

- [Crow] The Blues Brothers!

- [Mordrid] The boys
competed in everything.

- [Servo] Duck, duck, gray duck.

- [Mordrid] Sometimes one
would win, sometimes the other.

- [Emily] They still have
10 years on their sentence.

- [Mordrid] And their
source of the power was

in the amulet that each
wore about his neck.

- [Servo] Well, a participation amulet.

- [Mordrid] As they grew older,

their magical skills were honed.

Their strength increased almost identical.

- [Crow] But one was taller.

- [Mordrid] But the boys
were on separate paths.

- [Emily] And reading groups.

- [Mordrid] Harnessing
their powers together,

they could have changed
the course of this world

for the better, but while one focused

on assuming his place as a great sorcerer

and command the worlds of
light with understanding

and beneficence, Kabal,

- [Crow] Wanted to talk to girls.

- [Mordrid] The ambitious one,

found a home with the children of Belial.

- [Servo] Love it.

- [Mordrid] His goal was to
control the powers of darkness,

one day.

- [Emily] This movie hates books.

- [Mordrid] So, the war between them began

and their amulets gave
them even greater power.

- [Crow] Nine volts!

- [Mordrid] One good
and kind and generous,

- [Servo] Some would say gallant.

- [Mordrid] One malevolent,

- [Emily] That's not Angelina Jolie.

- [Mordrid] The sorcerers battle raged

for over one earth century.

- [Crow] We call it the Star Wars.

- [Mordrid] But evil has great arrogance

and Kabal let down his guard

for just a moment and was taken prisoner.

- [Servo] And Gunner watched.

- [Mordrid] Kabal vowed his revenge.

So the sorcerer of light
traveled to earth to stand guard,

protect mankind should Kabal's
power ever be unleashed,

again.

- [Emily] Guess those handcuffs
are first grade level.

- Now,

- [Crow] Gah, no!

- After 150 of your years,
the worst has happened.

Kabal has escaped and come
to earth to turn this planet

into a burning ash heap.

He'd literally rip a hole
into the fourth dimension

and release the demons
on track onto your world.

- [Crow] I can't see anything. Tarkus?

- Let them feed.

- [Servo] Abra ca-backstory.

- It would be beyond the apocalypse.

- What did you do, hypnotize me?

- [Emily] For a flashback?

- I just wanted you

to see why I can't be held here any longer

and why I have to have my amulet.

Sam,

- [Crow] Sam-ulet.

- If you use it correctly, we
can walk right out of here.

No one will be harmed.
- [Servo] Just burned.

- Look, I am no magician.

I wouldn't know how to use that thing.

- You don't have to be a magician.

- [Emily] No one should be a magician.

- You have the amulet in
hand, you feel around the rim.

- [Servo] Um.

- You'll find a stud.
- [Emily] Ooh.

- Shield your eyes, wrist,
there'll be a flash of light.

Anyone who sees the flash
of light will be frozen,

momentarily in time, and then released

as if nothing happened.

- I don't know if I can do this.

- [Emily] Wow, the world burns

but she adheres to the social contract.

- It's the only way.

- [Crow] See? I can walk and
chew gum at the same time.

- Didn't your prisoner say something

about the theft of radioactive materials?

- Yeah, why?

- Some doc at a lab on
Long Island went nuts

and stole an isotope.

- [Servo] A Springfield isotope?

- Just before the MPs gunned him down,

they just brought his
body into the morgue.

- What about the accomplice?

- Nada. Empty sack. Here's
a copy of the report.

- [Emily] You know I can't read.

- Kind of a coincidence, ain't it?

- God damn it.

- [Crow] So he is a wizard.

- Okay, Ms. Hunt. You're outta here.

We need to question the
prisoner about a second deck.

- I'll tell you,

- [Servo] A story of two boys.

- Radioactive material of some kind,

stolen from a facility
by a trusted employee?

- God damn right.

- There's a lot more
going on here, Guadio,

than you understand.

- I'm charging you, pal.

- You can't do that!

- Will you get the hell out of here?

- [Crow] We're trying!

- Sam, my amulet.

- [Emily] God damn-ulet.

- I need it!

What you need is a good
attorney and a psychiatrist.

- [Servo] Yorick.

- [Crow] Del-close.

- [Emily] Every football player.

- [Adrian] You don't have
to put a spell on me.

I'll do anything you want.

- [Crow] But I won't do that.

- My master.

- Mordrid's been arrested,

but that's no guarantee
that he won't interfere

with what I have to do.

- [Servo] Try this homemade
guac. It's to die for.

- You need an advantage if
you are to serve me well.

- [Emily] By the powder of gray skull.

- For the next 12 hours, no
physical harm can come to you.

- [Crow] Anything you still can't cope

with is therefore your own problem.

- Just tell me what to do.

- Bring me those diamonds.
- [Emily] Plink.

Which diamonds? These diamonds.

- [Crow] No, you fool.
My evening diamonds.

- Surgeon has his lasers, scalpels.

- [Servo] His general warnings.

- The alchemist has the
essence of the elements

as his tools.

- [Emily] When I combine
earth, wind and fire,

get ready to see a shining star.

- [Crow] We got a report on
someone walking on sunshine.

(Adrian singing)

- [Servo] It's the record deal police!

- [Crow] Thank you. That one's on Spotify.

- [Adrian] Hey, officer.

- [Emily] No, that's Mr. Officer.

- How's it going, dude?

- Fine. What are you doing there?

- [Crow] Shenanigans, man.

- Giving you a taste of the fires of hell!

- Ooh. Ah.

- Wow, beautiful.

- Woo! Better than the
4th of July man, huh?

- Hold it right there!
Don't move a muscle.

- Go ahead, man.

- [Emily] My favorite shoulder!

(Adrian laughing)

- All right, you've had
your fun now. Go ahead.

Arrest me.

- [Emily] Hey, I'm walking here.

- [Crow] Hey no, I'm walking here!

- [Emily] No, I'm walking here!

- Oh, miss Hunt.

Just so you know,

I'm formally charging this
man with withholding evidence

and conspiracy to commit murder.

You get partial credit for the dollar.

- Gee, thanks.

- Didn't know she turned you in, did you?

- [Crow] (chuckles) We have fun here.

- [Adrian] You played
right into our hands!

Oh, the master will let loose the demons

that will rip your hearts out!

- What is this, night
of the living wackos?

- Kabal rules, baby!
- Shut up!

- [Emily] Hey, Mordrid rules, man.

- Cocktail at my patrol car out back.

- [Adrian] Just giving you a taste

of the hell fire Kabal's
gonna make you eat, man.

- He's begging to get busted.

- Just a god damn epidemic.
Take 'em to interrogation.

- [Servo] And run him through a car wash.

- We know every move you make.

- Take him now!
- You can't stop us!

- What do you wanna do with Dr. Freak?

- Book him and stay with him

until I can figure out
what the hell is going on.

- [Emily] Feed my raven.

- [Crow] Nobody brought donuts today,

so I'm not doing nothing.

- [Servo] She is the spitting
image of my neighbor!

- [Crow] CSI, Jamba juice.

- Hey, Mart.

- Hey, have some dinner with me, Sam?

- [Emily] (chuckles)
Everyone's asking me that.

- That's all I ever have.

Breakfast, lunch and dinner all in one,

guaranteed to take off
20 pounds in one month.

- (chuckles) You're looking great.

- [Crow] My BMs are silver!

- Gaudio sent me in here to
look at that amulet thing

that the psycho downstairs was wearing.

Said that it might have some writing

on it I might be able to identify?

- No writing,

just a stone in the damnedest
setting I've ever seen.

Pretty, huh?

- [Servo] You're okay.

- Yeah. Very pretty.

- [Crow] It's go.

- [Emily] Am I drunk with
power? Oh, I believe I am.

- [Servo] Poor Maury.
That coat's a rental.

- [Emily] And with his
comedic relief fulfilled,

that is a wrap on Maury.

(Servo whistling)

- The longer you keep me here,
the worse it's going to be.

- We know, we know.

- I don't wanna hear your mouth.

- [Crow] Stifle Edith.

- Sam I'm sorry, but I had to book him

under the least suspicion.

You understand.

- Sure, Tony, you were
just doing your job.

- Now, Sam!

- [Emily] I swallowed my gum.

- [Servo] Halt or I'll freeze.

- [Crow] Candy garden.

- [Emily] Whose glass is this?

- [Servo] Take that, sheriff.

- Hey, what the hell is wrong with you?

- [Servo] Now, where's the deputy.

- He's gone.

- [Crow] Quick, before
the donut guy comes!

- [Cop] Hey, wait a minute!

- [Emily] You're my landlord!

- Put the gun down, friend.

- [Crow] Oh, they
stopped at the gift shop!

- [Servo] Yowchie, dagnubbit!

- [Emily] I'm the captain, now.

- Well, you're a criminal
now. That's for sure.

- [Servo] And I'm into it.

- Lock him up and stay with
him until I tell you different.

- Yes, sir.

- [Crow] Of all the days
to have a fire drill!

- [Emily] Yeah, street gauze.

- Which way?

- They went towards central
park, but be careful.

He's armed.

- I'll send out an MPD.

- Yeah. Hey Frank, nobody shoots.

This guy panics, he'll
kill Sam in a second.

- [Crow] And that's bad. Got it.

- What the hell happened here?

(suspenseful music)

- And then he says,

turns out the real War and
Peace were the friends they made

along the way.

- Oh, that's sweet.

I gotta read that book.

But tell me, what about
the other one, too?

Oh, hey Crow. What's wrong?

- Let me tell you a
tale of two young bots.

- Ooh, fun! Do we get a flashback?

- Shimmy hypnotize.

Both bots are alike,
yet on separate paths.

- Ah, theater of the mind. It is.

- One bot, a shimmering shining gold,

the other, a lackluster Crimson.

- Tough, but fair.

- One full of charm and wit,
the other, totally pedantic.

- Hey!

- I can't wait to find
out who these bots are.

- One focused on assuming
his place as a great leader

and perfect physical specimen,

while the other fell asleep on the couch,

watching Hollywood Squares reruns.

- I'll have you know,
they were Jeopardy reruns.

- Oh, so you know the story already?

- One received a 'Pultizer' prize

for his investigative journalism,

while the other writes
listicles about celebrity diets

and can't even pronounce
the word 'Pulsticer'.

- It's Pulitzer!

- Oh no, I still haven't figured it out.

Can you gimme another clue?

- Shimmy hypnotize!

- Okay, I'm already hypnotized

but I guess I was due for a booster.

- Shimmy hypnotize.

Let me tell you a story
of three young bots.

One was elegant and articulate,

the others ate gum off the sidewalk.

- Shimmy hypnotize.

I've already got them

under my complimentary flashback trance.

- Shimmy hypnotize.

I'm the flashback trancer, now, dog.

- I know you're shimmy
hypnotized, but what am I?

- I am rubber and you are glue.

Shimmy hypnotize, bounces
off me and stick to you.

- Shimmy hypnotize.

- Shimmy hypnotize.
- Shimmy hypnotize.

- Shimmy hypnotize.
- Shimmy hypnotize.

- Shimmy shimmy, no, look at me.

Look at me, look at me.

- Don't look at her.

- So what's Crime and Punishment about?

- Oh, it turns out the real Crime

and Punishment were the friends
they made along the way.

- Oh, we got movie sign!

- [Servo] Oh, this park
is so centrally located.

I wonder what it's called.

- You okay?
- Uh huh.

- [Emily] Though maybe put the gun away?

I watched you do that to that cop.

- I didn't want the police to
think that you were involved.

It's better for you.

- [Servo] He needs to
do some mystical cardio.

- Where did you get that gun, anyway?

- [Crow] I don't know.

I was trying to pull out a dagger.

Totally forgot this was in there.

- [Emily] Where'd you un-get that gun?

- All right.

Now, Kabal has to get to
the philosopher's stone.

Last piece he needs.

- [Servo] For this scavenger hunt.

- But it's in the cosmopolitan museum

on the other side of town.

That's gonna take an hour in this traffic.

- What are you gonna do, fly?

- [Crow] Sorry, I drool
when I'm sarcastic.

- I'm gonna leave my body, Sam.

- [Hunt] What?

- I'm going to leave my body

- [Emily] Test science.

- In a trans like state
and transport my form

to where he is.

I need you to guard over my body.

- [Servo] No tickling.

- Wait a second.

- Otherwise, I might not
be able to come back.

- [Crow] And then my garbage
disposal will never get fixed!

Okay, I'll do it.

- Okay, I guess since I'm your hostage,

I have to do as you say, right?

- [Emily] That Stockholm
syndrome kicked in fast.

- All right.

- [Servo] Okay. My body's gonna
make a lot of weird noises.

Don't panic.

- [Crow] Oh, another wizard box.

Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

- [Emily] The hummingbirds
will be pleased.

- [Crow] Life is like a box of potions.

- Beautiful day, isn't it.

- [Emily] Do you swing or
are you just wasting my time.

- Might be the last one
for a long, long time.

- [Servo] What is it that you
are talking about, Willis?

- [Crow] Body search, mandatory?

I'd be surprised if it were voluntary.

- Come inside, come on.

- [Emily] I have the
right to remain awesome.

- What the hell?

- [Servo] Oh, seven 10 split.

Bad luck, dude.

- Stop him!

- [Crow] Oh, Tony was way
too ready with that thing!

- [Emily] Adrian!

- Reed!

- [Servo] Gosh darn it, just stand still

and let me shoot you!

- [Crow] He napped for our sins.

- [Emily] He's gone all fern gully.

- [Servo] It was nice terrifying
you but I have a thing.

- [Crow] Kabal is Van Wilder
in big magic on campus.

- Sorry, Adrian.

- [Emily] Aw, he names his potions.

- [Crow] Mazel tov!

- Now you're like every other human being.

- [Servo] Deeply in debt.

- Pity.

- [Emily] Is Kabal wearing tap shoes?

- [Servo] Is that guy wearing tap shoes?

- [Crow] Art critic coming
through. Everything is terrible.

- Man, they sure were giants.

- [Emily] They might be giants.

- I remember them being much bigger.

- [Servo] New step-dad alert.

- I'm sorry, folks.

The museum is closing, six o'clock.

- [Crow] And don't try to
hide in the bathroom stall

with your feet up.

We've all read that book.

- Excuse me, sir. It's closing
time. You'll have to leave.

- [Emily] Just lock up
behind you on your way out.

- [Servo] There's so
much face on his face.

- [Kabal] At last.

- [Crow] Okay, he saw
the philosopher's stone.

My bucket list is complete.

- [Emily] Ah, I guess the
alarm system shuts off

at six, too.

- [Crow] Ooh, I shouldn't
have worn open-toed sandals.

- [Emily] I remember
this being much bigger.

(Servo laughing)

- [Crow] Ah, the communist manifest stone.

- [Servo] Here we go,
opening things up again.

- Minions of darkness,
I summon your power.

- [Crow] Your cheeks are like roses.

Your nose, like a flower.

- Demons,
- [Emily] Yeah?

- Hear me.
- [Emily] Okay.

- I command you, use your
strength, set yourselves free.

- [Crow] Meanwhile, at
Count Duckula's castle.

- [Servo] There are several
wily coyotes trapped there.

- [Emily] At least the
concession stand is still open.

- The gateway to Earth
will be open to you.

- [Crow] But the pass expires in a week.

- [Servo] In the name of
the dark Lord, Lisa Frank.

- [Emily] The perfect Tom Collins.

- [Crow] And now, my soup.

- [Mordrid] It won't be quite that easy.

- [Servo] Please, hammer. Hurt him.

- Why do you persist?

My children are waiting on the other side.

- [Emily] Little Kabals.
- Yes.

You'll be joining them, soon.

- I think not.

- [Servo] Therefore, I am not.

- Their fate is well sealed.

- [Crow] To lock in freshness.

- [Emily] You're projecting.

- I thought as much.

You realize you have no
power over me in this state.

- No, but I can cast a spell.

- [Servo] Ski-doop!

- [Crow] I'm coming, Elizabeth.

- [Emily] Ah, come here.
I can't stay mad at you.

- [Servo] I get knocked
down, but I get up again.

You're never gonna keep me down.

- [Crow] Man, you gonna take that?

- [Emily] You missed me!

- [GPC] 10 million years
will give you such a crick

in the neck!

- [Emily] Ah, we got a call
from the museum next door

about a commotion.

Reach for the sky! Uh oh.

- [Servo] Oh, we need
backup. Get the meteor.

- [Crow] Awoo?

- God, our powers can be amusing.

My friend will eat your charges,

the ones you've sworn to protect, right?

- [Emily] Oh, I'm guarding his mouth.

- How does it feel to be so helpless?

You are just a wisp of smoke.

- Not quite.

- All the elements are in place.

(Servo laughing)

Raw diamonds of earth,
platinum, the sister of gold,

and now, touch the element
that mankind has twisted

into his ultimate weapon.

- [Crow] The element of surprise!

- [Kabal] The taste,

- [Servo] Oops, let the price tag on.

- The blood of their future king.

- [Emily] And now my good side.

- [Kabal] Man's last days on earth, here.

- [Servo] Oh man, I want a dinosaur.

- Prepare yourselves for
war, give me your powers.

I command it!

- [Servo] By the power of Mountain Dew!

- [Crow] Finally!

I've been waiting all movie
for him to reanimate something.

- [Servo] Woo!

- [Emily] Off to battle.

- [Crow] Move along, pal.
Museum's closed at six.

- [Servo] Mwa.

- It's no good, Mordrid. You're too late.

- [Emily] Whoa, Kabal just got raptured!

- [Servo] Heimdall's messing
with the bifrost again.

- [Crow] Gremlins three!

- At least I'm gonna go out fightin'!

- [Emily] Good old Gunner,
already resigned to die.

- [Crow] Oh whoops, it's on massage mode.

- [Servo] Can you dim the brights, please?

- [Emily] What are they
gonna do? Fight to the death?

- [Crow] I hope this doesn't
awaken anything inside of me.

- [Servo] Hey, museum exhibit,

no touching the museum exhibit!

- [Emily] I wish Samantha would
stop poking my mortal form

with that stick.

- [Servo] Harry Housen and
the philosopher's stone.

- [Crow] He's revved up like a deuce.

Another runner in the night!

- They're loose.

My children are loose on your world!

(Kabal laughing)

- [Emily] Frank Rosetta's Muppet babies!

- [Servo] Come on, Keith.

- You didn't win!

- [Crow] He's launching
a two pronged attack.

- [Servo] Ooh.

- [Emily] Time to change
your oil, sir. Sir?

- [Servo] Aw, come on.

We were gonna be so cool to look at!

- [Crow] I think Gunner's
new eyes have lag.

- Well, I'll be damned.

- [Emily] I thought it shot T-shirts.

- I did it.
- [Servo] I saved Christmas.

- [Emily] I love you, pendant wife.

- [Crow] It's a living.

- [Servo] It's a dying.

- [Emily] Aw, extinct again.

- [Crow] Better leave a
fiver in the donation bin

on my way out.

- [Servo] Does he ever blink?

- No!
- Don't.

Lady, I'm on a mission from the master.

- [Emily] On a mission from God.

- You don't wanna do this.

- Yeah, I do.

- No!
- [Adrian] I'm gonna kill him!

- [Emily] Oh, how could
something like this happen

in central park?

- [Servo] Whoa, that isn't crystal.

- Sam, cover your eyes.

- [Crow] He's about to
krav this guy's maga.

- [Emily] Andrew Garfield is 'Speeda-man'.

- I thought you'd never get back.

This guy says he's on a mission
from his master to kill you?

- His master's dead.

- [Crow] Impale-oed.

- In that case.

- [Emily] Oh.
- [Servo] Right in the Kabals.

- [Monitor] Mordrid, hear my voice.

- [Emily] Just my voice.
We're out of money.

- [Monitor] You've done well, Mordrid,

but you must cross over now.

- Why?

- [Monitor] You have revealed
too much to the mortals.

Your capture will jeopardize
all future missions.

I command you to the other side.

- [Servo] You done goofed.

- Sam.

- [Emily] I do. I mean, what?

- I'm sorry, but.

- Anton, who are you talking to?

- [Monitor] Mordrid, I
command you. You must obey.

- I know. Just, let me explain.

- [Servo] Okay. I want you to
picture two giant blue eyes.

- Sam, I have to leave.

- We'll go together.

- [Emily] Wow, red flag.

- Where I'm going, you can't come.

- [Crow] No girls allowed.

- Well, just tell me what
kind of weirdness to expect

and I'll handle it.

I think I've done pretty good, so far.

- [Servo] Eh.

- You've done a lot more than that.

- [Emily] Has she, though? Like, really.

If you actually examine her actions?

- I'll see you again.

- [Crow] In Dr. Mordrid two, Dr. Stranger.

- I promise.

- [Servo] Can you look away?

I can't cross over if you're looking.

- Take care of Edgar for me, will you?

- [Emily] Like, Good
Fellas take care of him or?

- [Servo] You are the landlord, now.

- [Emily] Why do all the good
men end up being sorcerers?

- [Crow] We can't afford flashing lights,

but we got this heat lamp.

- [Servo] Arrest all these trees!

- Oh, look, dude.

The master protects me
from your puny weapons.

You ain't got-

- [Crow] My jelly pants!

- It hurts!

- Call him an ambulance.

- [Crow] You're an ambulance, sir.

- [Servo] So, dinner?

- Sam, where's Mordrid?

- I don't know.

- The guy kidnaps you at gunpoint,

you didn't even see what
direction he went in?

- I'm sorry, Tony.

I just turned my head
and he was gone, okay?

- [Emily] Okay, never mind.

- Yeah, like magic, huh?

- In a way, yeah.

- [Crow] Well, at least I
got to shoot someone, today.

- Come on. I'll give you a ride home.

- No thanks.

I think I'll just walk for a little while.

- Look, I want you in my
office tomorrow morning.

I want a statement from you.

I'm gonna find him, Sam.

- You probably will, Tony.

You're a dedicated cop.

- [Servo] Notice how she didn't say good.

- [Emily] The Hallmark channel presents:

Edgar's Christmas Wish.

- [Servo] Edgar, can you stop the door

from burning me every
time I come to feed you?

- Well, no offense Edgar,

but there are other people I'd rather

be spending my Christmas with.

- [Crow] I'm Jewish. (imitates bird yell)

- You'll have your bird
seed, I'll have some egg nog.

- [Emily] And we'll see what happens.

- We'll watch It's a Wonderful
Life for the hundredth time.

- [Crow] Maybe uncle Billy
won't blow it, this year.

- I guess it could be worse.

- [Servo] Could be Santa with muscles.

- [Mordrid] It could be better.

- [Emily] Merry Christmas, dummies.

- [Servo] Yay!

- Much better.

- [Crow] I cut my hair like
a butt. What do you think?

- Thanks for taking care of Edgar for me.

- [Servo] Yes, this is the same bird.

- Are you here to stay for a while

or are you gonna vanish on me again?

- [Emily] Depends. What's for dinner?

- Well, wherever they send
me, I'll need some help,

somebody I can trust.

- I'll do my best.

- [Crow] I meant Edgar.

- Good.

But first,

- [Servo] A ballad.

- We have to have a little egg nog.

- [Emily] (chuckles) I drinked it all.

- And watch our movie,

- [Crow] But they haven't
finished shooting it!

- For the first time.

- [Servo] Ah, now, about
my garbage disposal.

- [Emily] Dah!

- [Crow] Oh, I can't believe Dr. Mordrid

was a Christmas movie the whole time!

- [Emily] Well, okay
but it wasn't, though.

- [Servo] But there was
a Christmas tree in it.

- [Emily] Well,

a Christmas tree doesn't
make it a Christmas movie.

101 Dalmatians has a Christmas tree in it.

- [Crow] Well, what if it
takes place on Christmas

and has a Christmas tree in it?

- [Crow] Like Die Hard.

- [Emily] Okay, it doesn't matter.

Look at the release date.

Die Hard came out July 15th, 1988.

It's a summer blockbuster,
not a Christmas movie.

- [Servo] How do you know
when Die Hard came out?

- [Emily] I had this discussion a lot.

- [Crow] So if it came out at any point,

other than the Christmas season,
it's not a Christmas movie?

- [Emily] That's right.

- [Servo] What about
Nightmare Before Christmas.

- [Emily] Well it released October 13th,

obviously, a Halloween movie.

- [Crow] Elf!

- [Emily] Well it released November 7th,

an early Thanksgiving
parable about found families

and sugar consumption.

- [Servo] It's a Wonderful Life.

- [Emily] While actually
released on January 7th,

it's a new year's morality play

about the evils of forgetfulness.

- [Servo] So, according to
Newton's third law of motion,

any movie that comes out

in the Christmas season
is a Christmas movie?

- [Emily] Me and Newton are
on the same page, there.

- [Crow] Then, Titanic
is a Christmas movie.

- [Emily] Yep, and I'll die on this hill.

And if the hill comes
out in late December,

I'll call it a Christmas hill.

- [Servo] Ooh.
- [Emily] Mhm.

- I hereby call to order this
meeting of the arrangers,

Earth's fight-iest heroes!

- Captain, we've received word
of an attack by a poll straw.

- The lemon couch?
- Yeah.

- Guys, what's all this?

- We've taken the liberty of
making up a league of our own.

- Hey, if Dr. Mordrid can rip
off preexisting superhero IP,

so can we.

- I'm Captain Grammar-ica,
defender of truth,

justice and the Oxford comma.

- And I'm the ghost commuter,
with the power to make turns

without signaling and park anywhere,

thanks to my enchanted MD license plate.

I even have my own vehicle.

- And who are you, GPC two?

- Holly Quinn, medicine woman.

- Gotta say, it really works!

- Put on your costume, Emily.

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

- Oh, who do I get to be?

Mr. Fabulosa, Thorax, Cider-man?

- No, you're professor cuddle fish,

our easily defeated arch villain.

- Oh, and what's my superpower?

- Losing.

Rangers, resemble!

(everyone yelling)

- Oh, from behind!

Curse my peripheral vision!

- Look at them, laughing and
being all goofy and nerdy.

Do they even know how dumb they are?

- I know. It does look kinda fun, though.

- Fun is nerdy and dumb.

- Well, hold those sour grapes.

We're receiving a call
from Dr. Lawrence Earhart

to board the pretty lady.

- Oh.

- I heard from Dr. Kabal you're looking

for a vintage mystery
science theater host.

- You know Dr. Kabal?

- Yeah, we were in a band
together back in the day.

He was a strong rhythm theremin player,

but he broke away with
his whole future thing

and never looked back.

- Great, great.

So, what are you doing for Dr. Kabal?

- He asked me to go into the time bag

and bring back a host from the golden age

of mystery science theater.

- Hey!

- Just relax.

You got a preference?
Joel? Mike? Mike? Joel?

- I mean, aren't they kinda the same,

just doughy white guys from the Midwest?

- I gotcha. Dealer's choice.

See ya.

- I'm kinda happy the
show has taken a turn away

from doughy white guys.

- To infinity, but not beyond because

that would be mathematically impossible.

- When do you think we'll see him again?

- I don't know. The future?

Push the button, Max.