Mystery Science Theater 3000 (2017–2022): Season 3, Episode 4 - Munchie - full transcript
- Look at these numbers, Max.
It's incredible.
- It's unbelievable.
- It's inconceivable!
- Something we're doing
is actually working!
- Yay!
We've got two experiments
running simultaneously
and Gizmoplex attendance
is through the roof!
- Well, that's actually not that hard
since we haven't repaired the roof
since the last meteor strike.
- You know what I'm saying.
Dr. Cabal.
- [Both] The strange
financer from the future.
- Yeah, him.
He was right.
It's working.
We just have to keep
delivering the maximum possible
amount of sci-fi fluff.
- Play continues clockwise
for the next round
unless game is being
played in a protectorate
or overseas territories, in which case
it proceeds counterclockwise according to
paragraph seven, clause eight
of House resolution 227.
- I don't under...
Oh, hey everyone.
It's game night here on
the Satellite of Love
and GPC picked her favorite.
- Lawyers of Catan.
It's so thorough.
- You're telling us.
- Oh, here we go.
You are now ready to play the game!
- Hey!
- Hey!
- All right!
- However, if there are
more than three players,
all rules to this point are
null and void, see volume 18.
- Oh, come on!
- Hold me back, I'm gonna hurl
that rulebook into the sun!
- This is really your favorite game, GPC?
- Oh, I don't know.
I've never actually gotten far enough
to technically start a game,
but I'm feeling lucky tonight.
- Oh, jeez, well hold
that excitement, GPC.
We've got intro sign.
- Here we go!
(upbeat music)
♪ In the not too distant future ♪
♪ Next Sunday afternoon ♪
♪ The evil Kinga Forester ♪
♪ She ran her empire from the moon ♪
♪ Her latest plan was the Gizmoplex ♪
♪ A twisted steam based
on stole in specs ♪
♪ Now she's pulling the strings
from the old moon base ♪
♪ And she's back to her experiments ♪
♪ With prisoners out in space ♪
♪ I'll send them cheesy movies ♪
♪ The worst to motion picture wrecks ♪
♪ La la la ♪
♪ They'll have to sit and watch them all ♪
♪ And we'll stream 'em at the Gizmoplex ♪
♪ La la la ♪
♪ Now keep in mind they can control ♪
♪ Where the movies begin or end ♪
♪ La la la ♪
♪ They'll have to keep their sanity ♪
♪ With the help of the robot friends ♪
♪ Robot roll call ♪
- Cambot!
- And action.
- GPC!
- Which one?
- Tom Servo!
- That's me.
♪ Crow ♪
♪ If you're wondering
how we eat and breathe ♪
♪ And other science facts ♪
♪ La la la ♪
♪ Then repeat to yourself,
"it's just a show ♪
♪ I should really just relax" ♪
♪ For Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♪
- In this scenario, player
two must file form 27B-6.
- Ugh.
- Or forfeit his small claim standing.
GPC, can I stop for some water?
My throat hurts, and
I don't even have one.
- Stop now?
It's just getting good!
- Oh good, Milton Bradley are calling.
- Wake up, little Susie,
invention exchange time.
I'll do my one good deed
for the day and go first.
Benjamin Franklin once
said that in this world,
only two things are
certain, climate change
and the zombie apocalypse.
So why not use one to solve the other?
Presenting the dead mill.
Jet Screen, put up those
patent drawings we submitted.
By wiring up a treadmill
to a rechargeable battery,
then sticking one of your
ambulatory undead on it,
we'll call this one Rick, we're estimating
we can rock 17 kilowatts an hour.
- Now you may be wondering,
how do you motivate
that shambling horror to keep those
deteriorating thighs burning?
How are we going to do that?
- With bait, silly.
(both laughing)
Just take some poor dope and make him
your own moveable feast.
- Oh, I...
Couldn't help noticing that
the bait kind of looks like me.
- Don't worry, the whole
thing's perfectly safe.
I mean, what are you, crazy?
A zombie on a treadmill overtaking you?
- Yeah, that's right.
I'm pretty fast, I
could out think a zombie
for a good 20 minutes.
- My point exactly.
And then I can finally use
my electric toothbrush.
(Kinga buzzing)
- By a cosmic coincidence, our invention
will also save the Earth.
♪ I love rock and roll ♪
- But I hate pollution, baby.
And rock bands are the main offenders.
- Mother Earth needs to be protected.
So we created Sustain-a-band, a new way
to reduce, reuse, and rock-cycle.
- No more wastefully
dropping perfectly good mics
only to see them swept into landfills.
This one's got a bungee attached
so it comes right back to your hand.
- Thank you, good night!
All right, time for the encore!
Thanks, Sustain-a-band.
- No more rainforests gently weeping
because a guitarist just had to work out
his aggression on stage.
- There's no Diet Snapple
in the green room!
Gah!
Oh, whoa!
Wow, thanks to Sustain-a-band,
I can smash and de-smash the same guitar
over and over again.
- Your Les Paul is now More Paul!
- Woo woo.
- All right, calm down, space cowboy.
What about when drummers
fling their drumsticks
into the crowd?
You might not realize
this, but wooden sticks
are mostly made of wood.
- Using boomerang technology
from the exotic land
of Australia, with Sustain-a-band,
the drumstick comes back.
- Reconstitute your band more
than Iggy and the Stooges
and the Eagles combined
with Sustain-a-band.
- Ladies and gentlemen, what do you think?
- Enough do-gooding, it's
time for today's experiment.
It's the kind of family
film you'd show your family
if you didn't wanna be part
of your family anymore.
Try not to gnaw off your
own leg to escape "Munchie."
It's bad.
Oh.
Just thinking about it is...
Flush them the movie!
- [Bonesy] Munchie?
Like a treat?
- [Ardy] No, not like a treat at all.
Movie in the hole!
(toilet flushing)
♪ We're the bad school boys ♪
♪ Yeah, bad school boys ♪
♪ Hey, look out, teacher ♪
♪ We're the bad school boys ♪
- We got movie sign!
(alarm blaring)
(doors whirring and banging)
(mischievous music)
- [Jonah] "Munchie," a
quirky Sundance movie
about Munchausen Syndrome.
- [Tom Servo] Looks like Lonnie Anderson
got half Burt Reynolds' income
plus his role in "Munchie" in the divorce.
- [Crow] Andrew Stevens is Steven Andrews
in Standrew Avens.
- [Tom Servo] This is
the whole music you hear
if you call Barnum and
Bailey customer service.
- [Jonah] The E in Arte
stands for entertainment.
- [Crow] Mm.
Yep, nothing says family comedy
like disembodied teeth
chattering in an empty void.
- [Jonah] I love humor.
- [Tom Servo] Hmm, Don Bluth
must have taken a year off
and someone needed health insurance.
- [Jonah] You so rarely see
the munch wipe in movies.
(Crow chuckles)
(school bell ringing)
- Now class, I'd like
you to turn to page 44
in your math assignment books right away.
As we discussed yesterday-
♪ We don't need no education ♪
♪ We don't need no thought control ♪
Now who can tell us how we add
two thirds and three fourths?
- [Tom Servo] Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Magic.
- Yes, Andrea.
- We can change the thirds and fourths
into equal denominations.
- Thank you, Andrea, that's very good.
As you can see-
- Hormone sequence initiate!
- [Mrs. Blaylok] Equaling
eight-12ths, and here...
- [Tom Servo] I don't just
Jennifer Like Hewitt her,
I Jennifer Love Hewitt her.
(mysterious music)
(cheerful music)
(audience applauding)
- [Crow] Ladies and
gentlemen, it's the Fracties,
the night where fractions
come out to shine.
- It's my honor to read
the name of the student
whom you have chosen as your
next student body president.
Envelope, please?
Thank you.
- [Crow] I can't read.
- And the winner is...
- [GPC] "La La Land!"
Oh, not again.
- Gage Dobson.
- [Tom Servo] This is
Gage Dobson's first win
after being nominated
for such daydreams as
"What if I Were a Robot
With a Sword for an Arm?"
And "Naked Book Report II."
- [Jonah] Okay, and cue
the bucket of pig's blood.
- [Crow] I'ma let you finish.
- Tell me the sum of
two-thirds and three-tenths.
The sum of two-thirds and three-tenths.
Gage?
- [Tom Servo] That's
President Gage to you.
- I accept.
I mean, could you repeat
the question, please?
- The problem on the board.
How can we arrive at a sum?
- Sum.
♪ Body once told me the
word was gonna munchie ♪
- Now class, don't forget that your
fraction homework
assignments are due tomorrow.
- [Crow] And there's a test that's worth
over half your grade and
bring your permission slips
and other cliche things
teachers say in movies.
- [Mrs. Blaylok] Gage?
- [Tom Servo] You realize your name
is a noun and a verb, right?
- Could you stay after
class for a moment, please?
- [Jonah] Nice.
- Sure, Mrs. Blaylok.
- [Crow] Gage is modeling the fall line
of Levi Juniors denim wear.
- This is the third time
you haven't turned in
a homework assignment.
- I know.
I guess I'm just having
some trouble with fractions.
- I know it's difficult for
you, being a transfer student.
New friends, new school, and
there's a period of adjustment.
But you've been here for two months now.
- [Tom Servo] Two months and eight-tenths.
- Unless your grades improve in math,
I may have to fail you.
Do you understand that?
- Yes, Mrs. Blaylok.
- (sighs) All right, that's all for now.
But remember, I'm here after
school if you need any help.
- Sure.
- [Crow] That kid went on to work
for Apple computers, as a janitor.
- Gage.
Have you made any friends here yet?
- Oh, yeah.
Lots of 'em.
- [Jonah] And you've just
made a very powerful enemy.
- [Tom Servo] Crushed him.
(Tom Servo chuckles)
(kids chattering)
- [Crow] Square ketchup,
five different gravies,
and a pile of beans.
- [Tom Servo] Sir, excuse
me, the card's been declined.
Sir.
Security!
Hmm, who will hit me the softest?
- Yeah, that's pretty cool.
- [Crow] Gage approached
the cool kids table
with the confidence of Michael J. Fox
and the hairline of a young Wallace Sean.
- [Jonah] Mind if I
join this party of five?
- Who said you could sit here, Dobson?
- Didn't know you needed a reservation.
- [Tom Servo] Boom!
- Comedian, Leon.
- Yeah, he's funny.
Funny looking.
- No one sits at this
table unless I want 'em to.
- [Crow] So there is a system.
- Come on, Ashton.
What difference does it make?
- Dobson's a dweeb.
- [Tom Servo] And Dweebson's a dob.
- People are known by
the company they keep.
- Well, in that case,
maybe I should leave.
- Yeah, you go, girl.
Like literally, go.
- She'll be back.
- [Crow] I boogered all the chairs.
- But you won't be.
Leon, show this gentleman
where he may eat his lunch.
- [Tom Servo] Gladly, let me escort you
to the patio out back with a
nice view of the playground.
- [Jonah] No, not on picture day!
(kids laughing)
- [Crow] Gilly!
- All right.
Whose tray is this?
I said whose tray is this?
- Principal Thornton, I believe it belongs
to Gage Dobson here, sir.
- Yeah, new kid, Dobson.
- But I-
- Dobson.
- [Tom Servo] President Dobson.
- Come here.
- [Crow] Boy, there's never
a radioactive spider around
to bite you when you really need it.
- Did you beef?
- Mm-hmm.
(solemn music)
- Oh, the pan flute of dread.
- Mm.
- [Crow] Lick it up.
- [Robots] New York City?!
- [Crow] Get a rope.
- [GPC] Sparks changed their style again.
Deviled ham?!
But it's Taco Tuesday!
(Principal Thornton laughing)
- [Crow] Is this a commercial for Ritalin?
- [Tom Servo] Jim Henson's
"Dangerous Minds Babies."
- Mr. Thornton, you gotta believe me-
- You didn't think I'd know who did it?
Well, young man, I've been watching you
ever since you transferred here.
- Creepy.
- Believe me.
I don't like what I see.
- You gotta believe me.
Leon Daggart threw it.
(Crow mumbling)
- Escape retribution by blaming others.
I see I shall have to
make an example of you.
- Bang, bang, bang!
- 20 extra hours of study hall.
- Oh no.
- And two demerits.
- [Jonah] From Griffindor!
- And mark my word, Dobson.
I'll be watching you.
One more infraction and
you know what happens.
- [Crow] He joins Green Peace?
- Next on the History Channel.
Could the Continental Army beat a samurai?
- Suspension.
- Of disbelief.
- [Crow] God, I love my job.
- Ketchup.
Only ketchup.
- [Tom Servo] Meanwhile, still today.
♪ So you had a bad day ♪
♪ Your fractions weren't great ♪
♪ A couple of bullies threw your plate ♪
(explosion booming)
- [Crow] Something always happening
at old man Hindenburg's place.
- [Tom Servo] Ooh, carnage,
let me see, let me see!
- Professor Cruikshank, where are you?
- I'm here, Gage. (coughing)
If I could only figure out where here is.
- [Jonah] E equals MC my bad.
- What happened?
- [Crow] We ripped off
"Back to the Future."
- This is a lesson in
spontaneous combustion.
It seems that a faulty exhaust device
recirculated gasoline fumes
back through the manifold.
(Professor chuckles)
(Tom imitates chuckle)
This equation, all you need is
a tiny little spark and kava!
- [Tom Servo] Kavarv?
- It was my fault.
I was so busy thinking
and not busy feeling.
I didn't think about what I was doing.
- You were daydreaming.
- [Jonah] Or showing
early signs of dementia.
- That too.
You know, that's what
makes human beings unique.
- [Tom Servo] Check it.
- The ability to think,
to dream, to imagine.
Reality is only good for somebody
who can't cope with imagination.
- Do you think you'll ever
get this Jeep running?
- This bucket of bolts?
Of course I will.
Then I'll have to think of
something to do with these hands.
- [Crow] Don't, you'll go blind!
- Neighborhood would object
to a nuclear reactor here?
- I don't think that'd be a good idea.
- [Tom Servo] In bed with Begoyle, I see.
Well.
- So tell me.
Have you heard from your father this week?
- He's been really busy with
this new family and all.
- Uh-huh.
- He'll probably call on Sunday.
- [Jonah] Or a Sunday,
one day, one Sunday.
- What about your research grant?
Has the university called yet?
- Not yet, but they will.
I told them unless they give me the grant
to study ancient civilizations,
I shall resign my position
at the university.
- Would you really quit?
- No, but they don't have to know that.
- [Crow] The fools!
- And it might not be a bad idea
to get away from the university.
The longer I'm there, it
seems the less I know.
- [Tom Servo] Ooh, somebody's back
from power walking at the mall.
- This Dr. Carlisle over there.
This Dr. Carlisle injects little
animals with cancer cells,
and then he cuts them open
to find out what killed them.
Now, there doesn't seem
to be much logic to that.
- [Jonah] Yeah, who tries to cure cancer?
- Well, my mom seems to like him.
- [Crow] Jerk.
- Well, I gotta go.
Tell me when you get it running.
- Of course I will.
You'll be the first to go
for a test ride with me.
I'll see you later.
Okay?
- "Apt Pupil 2."
- [Tom Servo] Can you believe this garage
was on fire a second ago?
- [Crow] Hey, wait.
- Hi, Elliott.
- Hey.
- [Crow] Yeah.
- How's it going?
You make the football team yet?
- I don't wanna play football.
- Sure you do.
- Doodley.
- Hey, sports, teach you
team work, discipline,
competition, skills you're
gonna need later in life.
- [Tom Servo] Like not getting pantsed.
- I want you to go out there tomorrow
and try out for that team.
- You know what, honey?
Why don't you help Elliott
in with the groceries, okay?
- Sure, Mom.
- Okay, let's see.
Cancer animals, cancer animals.
Oh, here's a grocery bag.
- Now Gage, quite aware you and
I haven't really hit it off.
I know you feel like I'm taking
your mother away from you.
- [Crow] 'Cause I am.
- And your father-
- Don't talk about my father.
- Come on, Gage, you gotta face the facts.
He just doesn't want you.
- [Robots] Damn!
- Your mother.
And Cathy and I, well,
we're gonna be married.
- She ever told me.
- It's because I haven't asked her yet,
but I'm going to tomorrow night.
You know how she feels about me.
- [Tom Servo] Begrudging acceptance?
- Hey.
Hey buddy, but what's more important
is how you feel about me.
- [Tom Servo] 'Cause
I'm gonna marry you too.
- You're a creep.
(Jonah chuckles)
- [Crow] Lonnie Anderson's got that
real estate agent from Dallas look.
- No more than usual.
You know, Cathy, you
shouldn't let him spend
so much time with old Cruikshank
across the street there.
That guy's the biggest
crackpot at the university.
- He's a little eccentric
maybe, but he's harmless.
Remember, we have a date tomorrow night.
- [Jonah] With Cruikshank?
- Bring my appetite with me.
- [Tom Servo] Shave my
mustache even smaller.
- [Crow] Now let's put
on a show for the boy.
Doodley diddley dodely diddley.
Hidely ho, neighborino.
(robots chuckling)
- [Tom Servo] Oedipus Munchie.
(solemn music)
- [Crow] I shall diminish
and go into the west
and no longer be Gage Dobson.
- [Tom Servo] Parents'
love life got you down?
Do even the simplest
fractions cause you confusion?
Ask your doctor about
Wellbutrin chewables today.
- [Jonah] I was 12 going
on 13 the first time
I saw a dead Munchie.
- Someday I'll be dead.
Then they'll all be sorry.
- [Crow] Well, at least he
died doing what he loved,
wishing he was dead.
(Tom Servo chuckles)
♪ One eight double
seven coffins for kids ♪
♪ C-O-F-fins, coffins for kids ♪
♪ This is legally distinct ♪
♪ Hey ♪
- [Tom Servo] They ran outta
stands so they just had to
put the coffin on that old guy's lap.
- [Andrea] He was the
cutest boy in school.
- [Crow] Before the formaldehyde.
- He'd only spoken to me once, even.
(Tom Servo mumbling)
He'll never speak again.
- [Jonah] Good one.
- Sorry I acted like such a dreadful puke.
Actually, I was merely compensating
for an overactive inferiority complex.
- [Crow] Now to fail upwards.
- [Jonah] Ooh, one of these kids reeks.
- I threw his lunch tray against
the wall and now he's dead.
- [Tom Servo] Why is he having his funeral
during the last night of Hanukkah?
- Please forgive us, dear boy.
I'll take back those
20 hours of study hall.
- And the two demerits.
- Yes.
Whatever those are.
- [Crow] Wait, this
isn't my grandson's bris.
- Gage?
I've been arrested for bigamy.
- [Tom Servo] I married these cops.
- Recognized me on
"America's Most Wanted."
And Gage, you were right.
I am a creep.
- [Jonah] This guy's got a lot of range
for a discount Vincent Price.
(Tom Servo grunts)
- [Crow] At least someone
dressed for the funeral.
- Gage?
If you can hear me,
please forgive us, son.
O, and by the way, here's that Walkman
you wanted for your birthday.
- [Tom Servo] I swiped it
from some schmuck on the bus.
- Thanks, Mom.
I knew you'd get it someday.
- I'm sorry, sir, you'll have to be quiet.
You are dead, after all.
- Sorry, I forgot.
- [Tom Servo] Now crank
this thing up to level six.
I wanna be bronze, baby!
- [Crow] Who the hell was that old guy?
I really need therapy.
- [Jonah] Oh, Gage found
his repressed emotions.
- [Crow] What the...
- [Tom Servo] Keep out?
You can't tell me what to do.
You're not my real sign!
- [Crow] Oh, a crucifix,
the ultimate Easter egg.
- [Tom Servo] Is he going into
an abandoned Rainforest Cafe?
- [Jonah] I think so.
One-eyed Willy?
- [Crow] After the Hardy Boys split up,
Frank went onto an unsuccessful career
as a child private investigator.
- [Tom Servo] Yar, no one will
find our treasure in Burbank.
- [Crow] Ah, bear trap!
Ah!
- I wish I was dead.
- To be or not to be.
- Jeez, Gage.
- To live in a box or to make merry.
Party time, ariba.
- What?
- Who said that?
- [Munchie] Me, I did, pal.
It's me.
You want I should draw you a map?
Inside the box!
- Inside the box.
- Yeah.
- Right.
This is one of those
hidden video shows, right?
- [Munchie] Wrong.
- Okay, you got me, where are the cameras?
- [Munchie] No cameras,
no special effects.
Just little old me inside
this little old box.
Get it?
- How'd you get in there?
- [Munchie] Long story, pal.
But right now, the secret
word is open sesame.
- That's two words.
- Who are you?
- [Munchie] Ah, listen, pal.
You couldn't even pronounce my name,
but I'll tell you what,
you can call me Munchie.
Hey, how about pulling out that
pin so I can get outta here?
- You won't hurt me?
- [Munchie] Hurt you?
Pal, I'm your new friend.
I help, I dazzle, I make
better, I'm friendly to a fault.
- [Tom Servo] Like Ellen DeGeneres.
- [Munchie] That's it.
Whoa!
Ooh, just what I always
wanted, a room with a view.
(Munchie laughs)
- [Crow] I prefer "Howard's End."
(fanfare music)
- [Tom Servo] Ah yes, Aaron Copeland's
"Fanfare for the Common Munchie."
- [Jonah] Yeah, what's going on?
- [Crow] What's happening?
- Oh!
- Oh god!
- What is that?!
- Oh my god!
- What is that?!
- Oh my god!
- [Crow] No!
- No!
- No, no!
What is this?!
- [Tom Servo] Please stop,
please stop, please stop!
(robots shouting indistinctly)
- [GPC] What's going on?!
- [Jonah] We don't know!
We don't know, GPC!
We don't know!
- Get outta here!
Go, go, go!
I love you too much, get outta here.
Run, go, go!
I'll take one for the team!
What's going on?!
- What I do?
(doors whirring and banging)
(Crow chuckling)
- Jonah, what the heck was that?!
- I don't know, Crow, I
don't know what that was.
- It's like a collection of
twitches covered in latex.
- It looked like a melted Dom DeLuise
being played by a melted Tom DeLuise!
- And he's only been on
screen for 30 seconds?!
I don't know how we're gonna make it.
- No, no, okay guys, we can do this.
We can do this, okay?
We just have to get centered,
we have to mellow out, okay?
Let's do our humming.
- Okay.
- Let's hum with me, okay?
(all three humming)
(all talking at once)
- Game over!
Game over!
- Hey, hey, hey.
What are you dorks doing?
Get back in the theater.
- No.
- What did you just say?
You realize I can shut off
your oxygen, right, Heston?
- No Kinga, no, I don't
think you actually can.
You've been threatening me with
that since I showed up here,
and I don't think you have it in you,
and if you think these empty threats
are gonna change anything...
(Kinga grunts)
- Yeah, no dice, Kinga.
We've taken your guff for
too long, right, Jonah?
- Take that, ha ha.
- That's right, Jonah.
I'm allergic to guff.
And pet dander, weirdly.
- Yeah, but you love dogs.
That must be so hard for you.
- Is it hard to breathe?
- Thanks for the sympathy, Jonah,
but you know, I get by,
there's lots of dogs
that don't shed.
For instance, Bedlington
Terrior, Bichon Frise,
Portuguese Water Dog.
- Let that be a lesson to you.
Now get back in the theater!
- Golden Doodles.
- Yep.
- Silver Doodles.
- Uh-huh.
- Bronze Doodles.
(Jonah gasps)
Jonah, you interrupted my dog list.
- I'm sorry.
- You know, hearing all those dog names
was oddly refreshing.
I think I can handle
the rest of the movie.
- Yeah, I'm suddenly full of
renewed purpose and vigor.
(alarm blaring)
- Oh, we've got Munchie sign!
(robots shouting)
- Other way.
- I did.
(doors whirring and banging)
- Mom!
- [Jonah] We're gonna
get through this, guys.
We're gonna be okay.
- Gage, where have you been,
and what have I told you
about coming home after dark?
Now your dinner is cold and
I am not going to reheat it.
- It's gazpacho.
- Listen, I was in this old abandoned mine
and there was this little creature
and it jumped out of its
box and it started singing.
- It's sang?
- [Tom Servo] What, better than me?
- Gage, you know, someday your daydreaming
may make you millions, but right now
all it's getting you is not
even a cold dinner and bed.
- But Mom-
- Listen to me, young man, upstairs now.
- [Crow] Self-wedgying pants
for the nerd on the go.
- [Gage] Like the funeral.
- The funeral?
- On a school night?
- What funeral?
- Nevermind, Mom.
You just better keep on watching
"America's Most Wanted."
- [Tom Servo] What a stupid kid.
(people shouting on television)
- [Crow] What have you
done to Teddy Ruxpin?!
- What are you doing here?
- [Munchie] Hmm.
- [Jonah] Drop.
(Tom Servo chuckles)
- Waiting for you, pal.
And I am famished, ooh.
What I could do to a quiche and a yoohoo.
- [Tom Servo] What.
- How'd you find me?
- Well, I'm fast on my feet.
- [Crow] What feet?
- I followed you home, pal, real simple.
- Then how did you get here before I did?
- Magic, pal.
I'm a great magician.
In fact, I'm so hungry, I could make
a turkey disappear just like that.
- That's called eating.
- What are you watching.
- Television.
Ah, it used to be wonderful.
Now, I think there's just
too many darn reruns!
- (knocking on door)
- [Tom Servo] You can use my
YouTube login if you want.
(eerie music)
- [Crow] He was raptured!
- [Cathy] Gage?
- Yeah?
- [Tom Servo] Your friends told me
to throw this food at you.
- Honey, are you talking to yourself?
- Yeah, I guess I was.
- Well, I'm still really upset with you,
but I brought you something to eat.
- [Tom Servo] My discipline
has no follow-through.
- Now as soon as you eat that,
I want you to go right to bed, okay?
- [Crow] Establish food.
- Sure, Mom.
- [Jonah] Hail Hydra.
- I feel fine.
- You sure?
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
Good night, Gage.
- Good night.
- [Tom Servo] Just leave
the tray outside the door
when you're finished,
I'll add it to your bill.
- [Munchie] Hey, pal.
- Great.
- My mom thinks I'm losing my marbles,
and you won't even let her see you.
- You know where I come
from, I'm just ordinary.
I mean ordinary.
Now my father, whoa, there was a guy.
What a guy.
He had a pet dinosaur that
was paper trained, ha ha.
- Is that a joke?
- I don't know
- What laughs.
But times have changed.
Hey, you've been so nice
to me, I owe you one.
What do you want?
Ask for it.
Anything.
Don't matter.
What do you need?
- [Tom Servo] To get a word in edgewise.
- [Crow] To finally find out
if Bert Reynolds is my dad.
- I'd like to be popular.
I'd like Mom not to
marry that creep Elliott.
I'd like Andrea Kurtz to
know I was even alive.
I'd like Principal Thornton to get his.
- [Tom Servo] Yeah, let the
hateful through you, kid.
- Total idiots in front
of the entire school,
and I'd like to pass math.
- No problem, consider it done.
- [Jonah] Yet another chance to end
the Middle East conflict wasted.
- And right now, I'd rather
have a hot pepperoni pizza
than those leftovers.
- Hot pepperoni pizza.
You know something, kid?
We could be friends.
- [Crow] With our niche
love of pizza and all.
- It's no use.
Mom will never let me call out.
- Call out?
Kid, don't make me laugh.
- [Tom Servo] Satan taught me this one.
- I'm hot.
One large pepperoni pizza coming up,
in 30 seconds or you get it free.
- [Jonah] Can we avoid the nod, please?
Don't need another.
- Abra kadabra.
(mischievous music)
- Cue the Italian oompah band.
- Oh boy!
Are you gonna love this pizza.
Giuseppe make special
for you in the kitchen-
- [Tom Servo] One pepperoni pizza
with extra cultural stereotype!
- One super special for two, eh?
- [Jonah] Wow, Wario's
really fallen on hard times.
- [Crow] Mama mia, the pizza,
she glow like the Virgin Mary!
- Come on.
- Yee-haw!
- [Tom Servo] "Yee-haw?"
- One of my specials.
- [Tom Servo] On the next episode
of "Kitchen Waking Nightmares."
- [Crow] Think fast food!
- Get away from me!
- Hey, you can't leave
now, come back here!
- [Jonah] Ratatouille finally snaps.
(Crow chuckles)
- Let's try Chinese instead!
- [Tom Servo] Didn't David
Letterman do this bit?
- [Crow] This is why the
Italian Benihana never took off.
- Whoa, check it out.
(chef shouting indistinctly)
- [Jonah] Yeah, 72, we have a,
there's just a lot going on.
(tires squealing)
(siren wails)
- [Tom Servo] Sir, do you
know how slow you were going?
- [Crow] So, this is
"The Italian Job," huh?
- [Tom Servo] Yeah.
- Leave the driving to us.
(tires squealing)
- [Jonah] Did the pizza's
wheels just screech?
(Tom Servo chuckles)
- Yeah, I can smell it from here, kid.
Set the table.
- [Tom Servo] All practical effects.
- It's possible.
- [Crow] Jeez, I hope they wipe off
all the dead bugs and pigeon droppings.
- [Pizza] Yee-haw!
- [Tom Servo] My name is Harold Johnson.
A wizard turned me into a pizza.
Please don't eat me!
- Smells good.
Let's dig in.
- Anchovies?
I hate anchovies.
- Munchie's paw.
- Just eat around them.
I'm starving.
- Can you make anything fly?
- I have a little trouble
with alphabet soup.
I keep dropping the letters. (chuckles)
Oh, and I mimic voices.
You should hear my Clark Gable.
- [Crow] The star of "Red Dust?"
- Who?
- Ooh.
I guess I'm gonna have
to update my material.
- I don't get it.
If you have all these magical powers,
how come you couldn't get outta that box?
- Look, if I'm trapped inside something,
I just can't say "hocus pocus" and escape.
I just have limits, that's all.
Everybody's got limits.
Gimme a break.
- This is hard sci-fi.
- Uh-huh.
- A long time.
A long, long time.
Put it this way, pal.
If I was making house payments,
I'd own the sucker by now.
- [Jonah] Mortgage humor.
I love it. (chuckles)
- Come to Papa.
- [Crow] No, like I said, I'm
Harold Johnson, I have kids.
Ah, please stop!
- [Tom Servo] I'll just
throw away the bones.
- Can't believe we ate that entire pizza.
- Hey, how about some
blueberry cheesecake?
It doesn't travel well,
but I do love a challenge.
- I don't think so.
- Come to think of it, I got enough gas
to drive to Cleveland.
- Hey, where are you gonna sleep tonight?
- Pal, any place is an
improvement over that box.
Actually, I was hoping to
sort of bunk down with you.
- [Robots] Ew.
- You're gonna have to
make your own bed, though.
- Don't worry about me, pal.
Hammer, nails, I come prepared.
- [Tom Servo] Pontius
Pilate sends his regards.
- [Crow] I don't think so, Tim.
- I gotta update my material.
- [Tom Servo] "Munchie" is performed
in front of a dead studio audience.
♪ There is a Munchie ♪
♪ Inside of us all ♪
♪ Listen and answer ♪
♪ To the dark lord's call ♪
♪ I pray to Munchie ♪
♪ To devour our souls ♪
(robots singing indistinctly)
- [Crow] Ugh, why is this wet?
- [Tom Servo] I wish I was dead.
- Extry, extry, Italian
immigrant goes on murder spree!
- Better shake a leg, Gage, or you won't
have time for breakfast.
- [Crow] Munchie left me famished.
- Hang on.
♪ Woke up, got out of bed ♪
♪ I soon wished that I was dead ♪
- Munchie?
- [Jonah] Gage, you gotta
get your life together.
Stop with all these one night stands!
- [Crow] Munchie go
away, you (indistinct).
- Munchie?
Munchie?
- [Tom Servo] First my dad, now Munchie?
Kid can't catch a break.
- Not even a goodbye.
♪ Welcome to the jungle ♪
♪ We got fun and games ♪
(kids chattering)
- [Crow] Whoa, the school secretary
broke the craft budget on this sign.
- [Tom Servo] Mandatory fun, my favorite.
(serene music)
- [Jonah] Study Hall, a new
fragrance by Estee Lauder.
- [Crow] Be cool, Gage.
What would Munchie do?
Ask her if she enjoys the
early work of Sid Caesar!
That's it, I'm in!
- [Tom Servo] Oh god, he saw
you, don't make eye contact.
- [Jonah] Blink.
- [Crow] All right, Gage, now
walk over to her like a human.
Good.
- [Tom Servo] This kid
should have read "The Game"
so he would've remembered
to like, wear a stupid hat
and tell her she's dumb.
- Yeah.
- [Tom Servo] Yeah.
Bur.
- [Jonah] Hey, it's the trust fund kid
and his sidekick, White Truffle.
- Thank you Leon.
Now that I have your
undivided attention, Dobson,
there are a few points I'd
like to impress on you.
- I'd listen to him if I were you.
- First, stay away from Andrea Kurtz.
- [Crow] Uh-huh.
- She's my girl for as
long as I may want her.
- There's a Kurtz on her.
- Understood.
- Second.
- Nextly.
- Andrea and myself will be performing
at the talent contest this afternoon.
Somehow you got yourself appointed
stage manager for this event.
You foul up one time during my performance
and I let Leon loose on you.
- I like to break things.
- [Tom Servo] I like to boogie.
- He starts with the legs.
I trust I've made myself clear.
You may nod your head in agreement.
- Oh, may I?
- Thank you, Leon.
Let us proceed to our first class.
- Wait, he dresses like that
and he's eager to get to class?
How is Gage considered
the nerd in this movie?
- [Tom Servo] I gotta decompress
by looking at the wall of shapes.
Ah!
- So, pal, I'm ready,
where's cheerleader practice?
- [Robots] Ew.
- What are you doing here?
(school bell ringing)
- I miss your face, pal.
- No, what are you doing here at school?
- I'm here at school because
we got a long list of things
that's gotta be done,
and that's my problem.
I take it that those are the guys
that you're having trouble with?
- Yeah, Ashton and Leon.
- I don't think I like
the way they talk to you.
You know what they say.
The bigger they are, the harder they fall.
- No, the bigger they
are, the harder you fall.
- Hey, let's not quibble over details.
Besides, I rely totally on cunning,
ruthlessness, and sheer animal instinct.
- [Crow] Like James Caan.
- What do you mean?
- Listen, pal, anyone who's
been to a lingerie sale
at JC Penney knows exactly
what I mean, but I digress.
- [Jonah] You sure do.
- Take care of your math grades, bye.
- But..
- Wait, tell me more
about the JC Penney stuff, oh...
- [Crow] Ooh, angora.
Did Ed Wood direct this part?
(phone ringing)
- [Tom Servo] Does that
sign say "Miss Laurel"
or "Missy Annie?"
- "Miss Laurel."
- [Tom Servo] Oh boy, she
just turned my floppy disk
into a hard drive, ah-cha-cha.
- [Crow] I just died of dysentery.
- Oh Miss Laurel.
May I see you in my
office a moment, please?
- I'll be right there, Mr. Thornton.
- [Tom Servo] Let me just
change into an even more
inappropriate outfit for
an elementary school.
- Ah, look at this, hey.
They've come a long way
since I invented Univac.
- You called me, Mr. Thorton?
- [Crow] No, he called you "Miss Laurel."
- No, but it's always
good to see you, Melanie.
(sultry music)
- [Tom Servo] My eyes are
up here, Principal Thornton,
director, gaffers, producer, audience.
- Here we go, let's see what
kind of grades this kid's got.
- [Tom Servo] He just spelled "jkfghfgl."
- C, B, D.
- Yeah, dude.
- I think we can do better than that.
Here we go.
All right, Abra Kadabra.
Thank you.
- [Miss Laurel] I could've
sworn you buzzed me.
- Hey.
What's going on here?
- [Principal] I always got a buzz on you.
- But Mr. Thornton, I
distinctly heard you call me.
- Mr. Thornton?
- Must be be so formal?
- [Tomorrow Servo] You must, you must.
- I should go back to my office.
- I can't tell you what it's
been like these past few weeks.
You sitting out there
every day and me so close,
and yet so far from paradise.
- [Tom Servo] Call me Rolex,
'cause I like to watch.
- [Jonah] Ronan Farrow?
- But I thought we
agreed we couldn't go on.
- I know, I know, we
both have our positions
in the community, but I don't care about
anyone or anything except you, Bunnycakes.
- Oh, that's not fair.
You know I can't resist
you when you call me
Bunnycakes, Snookypoo.
- [Jonah] Butter Biscuit.
- Still care, Lovey Lumps?
- [Miss Laurel] Ooh, Lemykins.
- [Crow] Here are your
reports on workplace ethics.
Wait a minute.
- Muffin.
(smooching over intercom)
- [Tom Servo] Aooga!
- [Jonah] Keep trying till you hit mouth.
- Angel Thighs!
- Class, I want you to
go over these problems
while I'm gone, and remember, no talking!
- [Tom Servo] Sure, just give us a second
to repress all this.
- [Miss Laurel] Pumpkin Nose!
(kids laughing and shouting)
- [Tom Servo] Munchie's
eroded the boundary
between civility and barbarism.
That guy.
- Gotta be Munchie.
- [Tom Servo] Trademark Munchie, LLC.
- [Crow] Hey, there's
a sock on the handle.
- [Tom Servo] This is what a
nine year old think sex is.
(Mrs. Blaylok clears throat)
♪ Fran Drescher ♪
- [Crow] Hairball!
- Mrs. Blaylok.
It is customary to knock
before entering my office.
I have certain rights
to privacy, you know.
- Well, none that you've been exercising.
- [Jonah] Snowden.
- I was just helping Miss
Laurel put in her contact lenses
- [Tom Servo] Into her bra, I mean...
- I hope you haven't
misconstrued this little scene.
- No, but I can't speak
for the entire school.
Your public address system is on
and you have been broadcasting
to every classroom.
- I did what?!
(dramatic music)
- Yeah, it was me!
(Tom Servo laughs)
- That can't be.
Every word we've said?
- [Jonah] No, just the Jarons.
- Right, Snookypoo.
- [Tom Servo] I'll see
you both at home, okay?
- [Crow] I'm the principal now.
(robots groan)
- [Jonah] Every time.
- So long, Snookypoo.
- [Tom Servo] His nose has a spine in it.
- [Jonah] If he just took
a shower, why isn't he wet?
- [Crow] Gages quit drying, like a shamwa.
- [Jonah] No whammies, no
whammies, no whammies, dah!
- Don't you ever wash these out?
- I wasn't expecting visitors in there.
- Well, I took care of your grades
and that stuffed shirt Thornton.
- [Tom Servo] And dressed
like a Russian gangster.
- Now the fun really starts.
- Look, I know you're trying to help,
but if anything is wrong, I'm
the one who gets in trouble.
- Relax, pal.
Everything is copacetic.
Just be cool time.
Uh-oh, for me to make
like Gabriel and blow.
- [Tom Servo] Always
leave 'em with a reference
to the end times.
- [Jonah] Damn bunions.
- [Crow] Are you John Conner?
- [Tom Servo] Aww, Munchie
left a huge mess down here.
♪ When a Dobson comes
along, you must whip it ♪
- [Crow] My tuckus!
- What'd you do that for?
- 'Cause I wanted to.
What's a two ya, Dobson?
- Well...
- That's right, nothing.
- [Tom Servo] Mull it out.
- [Munchie] I didn't
think you did anything
without asking your boyfriend first.
- Shut up!
- We ever put a label on it!
- Just shut up.
You think I'm Ashton's
flunky or something?
- The idea never crossed my mind.
- Well, make sure it doesn't.
I don't want to hear
another word from you,
understand, dweeb?
- [Crow] Wait here while
I ask Ashton what to do.
- [Munchie] Stooge.
- What was that?
- [Jonah] Mosquito.
- Nothing, I didn't say anything.
- Farku
- Kiss ass.
- [Jonah] Mosquito.
- Why, you little...
- [Crow] World star.
- You hit me!
You little twerp, you hit me!
- I never touched you, I swear.
- [Jonah] Roadhouse neck rip!
- You are gonna be sorry
you were ever born.
- Geronimo.
(water splashing)
- [Tom Servo] Dobson, and
you broke my collar bones,
my face is ruined!
(Gage chuckling)
- [Crow] This is like a Kidz Bop version
of "Eastern Promises."
- [Tom Servo] Ha ha, he's not moving!
- Okay, kid.
I've evened up the odds.
The ball's in your court.
- [Jonah] Finish him.
- I am gonna kill you.
- [Crow] Once I deal with
this brain hemorrhage.
(tense music)
- [Jonah] I feel like I'm
getting athlete's foot
watching this scene.
- [Tom Servo] Now he's between
a jock and a hard place.
(Jonah and Crow groan)
What?
- [Crow] Save the bad jokes for Munchie.
The claw, the claw!
(Gage grunts)
- [Tom Servo] Violence is the answer.
- [Jonah] Wasn't football
gonna do that anyway?
I mean...
(Crow gurgling)
- [Tom Servo] You just got en-Gaged.
Oh wait, no, that's not it.
Something Gage.
(kids cheering)
- [Jonah] Gage's understudies.
- Gage, we gotta talk!
- [Crow] You're guilty
of manslaughter, bud.
- Look, we both know that
Daggett's been asking for this
for a long time, but you know the rules,
no fighting in the locker room, right?
- [Tom Servo] Hello, cleavage.
- All right.
Now I'm not gonna write you up this time,
but if Principal Thornton
gets ahold of this
you know it's gonna be bad news.
- So what else is new?
- All right, go get changed for class.
I'll write you up a hall pass.
- [Tom Servo] And put on your good towel.
- Hey, Gage.
Why don't you try out for
the football team on Monday?
- I don't like football.
- [Crow] You could become
everything you hate.
- Looks like our star player is gonna be
out of commission for a while.
- [Tom Servo] My life
is full with Munchie.
- [Jonah] Irish Spring for ruffians.
The first soap pH balanced for bullies.
(doors whirring and banging)
- See Jonah, you're becoming desensitized
to Munchie already.
You'll be fine.
- Until tonight, when he
pops up in your dreams!
- Well, actually, I did find a way
to make Munchie less scary.
I dug up the bootleg
tapes of Dom DeLuise's
Munchie sessions.
I'm kind of an audiophile.
- Really?
I would've never known.
- Well, Dom riffed and
improvised for hundreds of hours,
and they only used the best stuff,
because this style of
comedy, it takes time.
Check it out.
- [Dom] My father, there was a guy,
he had a dinosaur he had paper trained,
and a sabretooth tiger he had on a leash,
and oh, what else?
Oh, my father, he had a pterodactyl
he would fly like a kite.
- Huh.
- [Dom] And his stegosaurus?
Forget about it.
He married one.
He married two.
He was a bigamist, my father.
- Wow.
He really is just throwing
spaghetti at the wall.
- Yeah, no, it gets upsetting.
The producer tries to
step in, but you know,
once it leaves the station,
you can't stop the Dom train.
Listen.
- [Dom] You think some snot-nosed kid
been in the business two
weeksis gonna tell me
how to riff about dinosaurs?
- [Man On Tape] Dom, please calm down.
- Dom!
- He hits me all the time!
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Dom has a real temper.
- Yeah, blind rage was his process,
but here's the wild part.
He leaves on his lapel
mic, gets in his car,
and just takes off, and they
recorded the whole thing.
Here, here, check it out.
- [Dom] Out of the way, jerkface.
(horn honking)
I got Don Bluth's number on speed dial.
(tires squealing)
I'm untouchable!
(car banging)
Oh god, Dom, you hit him!
You hit another one!
(siren wailing)
Time to cannonball one-two outta here!
(tires squealing)
- Wait, wait.
Did Dom DeLuise just run over someone?
- Yeah, a couple of times, if
you listen to the whole tape,
it's pretty messed up, but
I've listened to all of them.
I'm kind of a completist.
- Really, I would've never known.
- Somehow, a Forester
world conquering plan
is actually succeeding for once,
so stay out there and don't screw it up.
- All right, well, no promises,
but we'll do our best.
- You mean you'll do your best, right?
- No.
Go.
- You too, Grandma.
Hey, get back to work.
- Well actually, Kinga,
I was hoping we could
get a few moments together,
just the two of us.
- Of course, Grandma,
it's much easier to talk
when I'm inside and you're out there
in the icy coldness of space.
- True that.
You know, we never really did normal
grandma-granddaughter activities, did we?
- We sabotaged that nuclear
plant when I was seven.
- Sure, that was a big trend.
But I was thinking about
something more current,
like scrapbooking.
- Ugh.
You mean crap booking?
- That's hilarious, but no.
I've been feeling my own mortality lately
and I just need a little
tenderness and affection
as I enter my twilight years.
- Okay, look, I hate going all
"Cat's in the Cradle" on you,
but you were too busy for me
and now I'm too busy for you.
It's the circle of neglect
and it moves all of us.
Now get going.
I'm not interested in scrapbooking.
Sounds stupid.
- You will be.
- That sounded ominous.
- So in this next section,
Dom deLuise does some karaoke.
- When does that happen?
- Right after he ran
over the guy, you know,
I think he was trying to
take his mind off of things,
but you gotta hear his "Rocket Man."
- You know, I'd love to
talk more about Munchie.
- Yeah.
- Munch-head all the way.
But we've got intermission sign, so...
- All right.
- Yeah.
- Okay, next time.
Hey, have either of you guys seen Growler
or M Waverly lately?
- Who?
- Okay.
Says here you have no previous experience,
no history of wrongdoing,
but since we don't have
a lot of boneheads around
here to fix up the place,
I guess you get the job by default.
- Congratulations.
- What size vest do you wear?
- I wear a women's size eight.
- I wear doll's clothes.
- Wonderful.
Well, Max will get you all set up.
- Yes, if you'll just walk right that way
you will get fitted for your helmets.
They're not gonna make it.
- No way.
- Oh.
- Weird.
- Yeah.
(alarm blaring)
- Oh, we got movie sign!
(doors whirring and banging)
(accordion music)
- [Tom Servo] Judy
Danuda, the early years.
- [Jonah] You know, not a
lot of people saw this gig,
but everyone who did started a band.
- [Crow] She might be giants.
- [Tom Servo] What's
stage manager mean again?
I'll just fiddle with these.
- [Munchie] Salutations,
my lord. (chuckling)
(Tom Servo groans)
- [Tom Servo] I was
hoping he wasn't gonna be
back in the movie when
he came in the theater.
- Maintain your composure, dear boy.
Fear not.
I have no intention of
turning this cultural event
into a brouhaha.
In point of fact, I am here to witness
a performance of my play.
- Your play?
"Romeo and Juliet" was
written by Shakespeare.
- A common misconception.
According to an unimpeachable
source, namely myself,
Billy Shakespeare could not compose
a shopping list without my help.
- [Tom Servo] It's Billiam Shakespeare.
- Just don't get into any trouble, okay?
- Fear not, my lord.
I hereby swear to conduct myself
with a maximum of decorum.
- [Crow] Still not convinced
Munchie isn't pure evil.
♪ My balogna ♪
- [Jonah] Thank you.
(kids clapping and booing)
- [Crow] Weird gal.
- For another memorable accordion solo.
- [Kid] Hey Snookypoo!
How's Bunnycakes!
(kids laughing)
- All right, a little less noise there.
- Hey, was that us?
- Yeah.
- And now, to conclude today's
assembly, a special treat.
- [Tom Servo] Funions?
- The balcony scene
from "Romeo and Juliet,"
performed by two of our
most promising students,
Ashton Hewitt and Andrea Kurtz.
The curtain, please.
♪ It's time to play the music. ♪
♪ It's time to light the lights ♪
♪ It's time to the curtain
on the Munchie Show tonight ♪
- [Jonah] Word.
- But soft, what light
through yonder window breaks?
(glass breaking)
- [Jonah] Literally, we get it.
- [Crow] This is why
we do tech rehearsals!
- And you shall get.
- I had to invite my William Morris agent.
- It is the East, and Juliet is the sun.
Arise, fair sun, and
kill the envious moon.
(glass breaking)
(Jonah humming "Phantom of the Opera")
- [Crow] No eating in
the voiceover booth, Dom.
- See how she leans her
cheek upon her hand.
Oh, that I was a glove upon that hand.
- [Jonah] Comedy.
- [Tom Servo] Compound fracture.
(kids laughing)
Cruelty is cool.
But soft, what douche
from yonder ficus limps?
- [Jonah] Use it, Ashton,
acting is reacting.
- Oh, Romeo, Romeo.
Wherefore art thou Romeo?
- With love's light wings
did I o'erpurse these walls,
for stony limits cannot hold love out.
- [Crow] Did Munchie steal his kneecaps?
- Ipso facto pantso offo.
(kids laughing)
- [Tom Servo] When I saw John
Gilgood in "Romeo and Juliet"
at the old Vic, he went full Monty.
- [Jonah] Whoa.
My uppance, it's come!
- [Crow] This Juliet part
is very underwritten.
- Close the curtain, close the curtain!
- But the scene isn't over yet.
- I'll decide when it's over.
Close the curtain!
- [Tom Servo] Thanks, we're
doing a talk-back in the lobby.
(kids laughing)
- Get those kids to the dressing room.
- [Tom Servo] Thank God
Guffman didn't show.
- Well, yesterday was bad, but today
was a real red letter day for you, Dobson.
- [Crow] Red letter, yellow letter.
- I don't know how you did it,
but you managed to change your grades,
beat up Leon Daggitt,
and arrange that little
incident in my office.
And when I can prove your
responsibility in these matters,
it'll be my personal pleasure to have you
expelled from school permanently.
- [Tom Servo] As opposed to
being expelled partially.
(solemn music)
- Well, pal, do I take care
of ya or do I take care of ya?
- [Tom Servo] Where'd the banana go?
- You took care of things, all right.
Thanks to you, I'm gonna
get expelled from school.
Look, I know you're trying to help.
But you're just making things worse.
- [Crow] Like Sammy Hagar.
- But I haven't helped you with
your mother's creepy boyfriend.
And what about the
lovely (whistles) Andrea?
- [Tom Servo] Ew.
- Well, you can help
me by leaving me alone.
If I'm gonna foul up, I'd
rather do it by myself.
Why don't you go back to your box
and find yourself a new friend.
- [Tom Servo] It's called show
business, not show friends.
- [Munchie] Where'd everybody go?
Hey, pal.
Pal!
- [Crow] That summer, Gage Dobson
committed his first murder,
launching a train of terror
that continues to this day.
♪ Whatcha gonna do with all that munch ♪
♪ All that munch inside your trunk ♪
♪ I'm gonna get, get, get, get you crunk ♪
♪ Get you crunk off all my munch ♪
- [Tom Servo] Is that a
paint-by-number sarcophagus?
- [Crow] What is this
guy a professor of again?
Nuclear physics, Egyptology,
and a TGI Friday's
interior design?
- [Tom Servo] I know
there were other songs
before the theme from
Munchie, I know there were,
I just can't remember any.
- [Jonah] Oh, you'll remember them. Tom.
- Who is it?
- [Gage] It's Gage.
- Gage, my friend.
Come on in.
- [Jonah] Ah, thanks for letting
me crash here, Cruikshank.
I said some stuff I couldn't take back
and she kicked me out,
but hey, no big deal.
Bachelor weekend, am I right?
I'm actually better without
her, right Cruikshank?
- You should have been in here.
- I was hoping you could tell me.
Something I found.
- Where did you find this?
- Pottery Barn.
- Incredible.
- You mean it's valuable?
- It's not only valuable.
It is invaluable.
- [Jonah] Wary wary inwaluable.
- Was there something in here?
- I know you're not gonna believe this,
but there was this
little creature in there.
- [Tom Servo] The prophecy is true!
- Don't move.
You stay right there.
Don't move, don't breathe.
Don't breathe and don't move.
Just stay right there.
Don't do anything at all.
Don't do anything here, here, here, here.
- [Tom Servo] Is he talk
about the movie or...
- Something?
- It's The Secret.
It'll change your life.
- Did it look like this?
♪ Munch like an Egyptian ♪
- That's him!
- And this?
- Oh god.
(Crow chuckling)
- That too.
- How about this?
- [Crow] A tasteful nude.
- Is he that old?
- He's older than that.
Do you know what you've found?
- I just wanna get rid of
him before my entire life
goes down the drain.
- You talked with him?
- Yeah.
He keeps calling me "pal."
- Pal.
- [Tom Servo] So he's single.
- Could you introduce him to me?
- I don't know.
I told him to get lost,
but I have a feeling
I haven't seen the last of him.
- Well, do the best you can.
In the meantime, can I keep the box here
so I can study these symbols?
- Sure.
I mean, it's his box,
and if he wants it back,
I'll send him over to get it.
- Yes, yes, that would be
fine, that would be fine.
- [Tom Servo] And they
laughed me out of university!
- I have about two or
three million questions
I could ask him.
- [Crow] Oh, with a run like that,
Gage has to try out for the football team.
- [Jonah] Mm-hmm.
- [Tom Servo] I love trash!
- [Jonah] Can't wait to
go back to being bullied,
on my own terms this time.
- Hey, sometimes you gotta help people
in spite of themselves.
- [Tom Servo] Munchie 3:16.
- Why is she dressed like an
elementary school secretary?
Hey Mom, looks like you're
making a real dinner.
- Well, I have actually been known
to cook on occasion, you know.
- Yeah, when Dad was here.
- Let it go, Gage.
(doorbell rings)
- Oh, honey, I think that's Elliot.
Would you get that?
I'm gonna baste the chicken.
- [Crow] Set decoration by Cracker Barrel.
- Hey, guy.
Make that football team yet?
- No, but I decked the star quarterback.
- Great.
Hey, listen, Gage.
I've got a little favorite to ask you.
- Want me to get lost, right?
- [Tom Servo] The new novel by Judy Bloom.
- Well, I wouldn't put
it exactly like that,
but I would like to be
alone with your mother
for a little while.
I have something very important
I want to discuss with her.
- [Tom Servo] Amway.
- Don't I have anything to say about it?
- Look, Gage.
I'm gonna be your new father,
whether you like it or not.
Now you can either be on my
team or you can be my opponent.
The choice is yours.
- [Crow] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
- No, the choice is my mom's.
- Hi.
- [Tom Servo] Diddly doo.
- Well, dinner will be
ready in 20 minutes.
I'm glad to see you two
getting along so well.
- Well, Gage and I are just
having a little male bonding.
- [Jonah] Ah, lice check, oh.
- Champagne?
- 85 bucks a bottle, babe.
And worth every penny of it.
- [Jonah] Aw, shanked.
- Mom, I'm not really that hungry.
I'm gonna go upstairs
and finish some homework.
- Well, are you feeling okay, honey?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
I'll eat later.
- It'll be cold.
- It's okay.
Kind of getting used to it that way.
- [Jonah] I guess he's not
loving the new raw food diet.
- [Tom Servo] I'll be up in
my room basting the chicken.
- Sometimes I worry about him.
- Oh, he'll be just fine.
What he needs is a man's influence.
- [Crow] You know any?
- His father wasn't much of
a father, but Gage loved him.
- Now that's all in the past.
You should be more
concerned about the future.
And what I'm looking
forward to is that meal
you've been promising me
for the past two weeks.
- I hope you enjoy it.
I only do this sort of thing
about once every leap year.
Think I better go in the
kitchen and see how it's going.
- [Jonah] And add the arsenic.
- In meantime, I'll just stay out here
and set the proper ambiance.
- [Tom Servo] She's
heard smoother operators
through that antique telephone.
(Jonah gasps)
- Stand by for Operation Dinner Storm.
- [Crow] The slide
whistle of imminent doom.
- With a tweeter, with a tweety.
- What's he doing?
- Hmm?
♪ Tiny bubbles ♪
(light jazz music)
(marching music)
- [Robots] Remix!
(Crow singing)
(light jazz music)
- [Crow] You're listening
to KHLD, royalty free music
for your cheap movie.
- [Tom Servo] Oh my god.
Munchie invented the escape room.
- Oh, gotta be Munchie.
(marching music)
(light jazz music)
Buckle up, kids, 'cause I think the scene
goes on for another seven minutes.
(marching music)
- [Crow] Behold, hijinks.
- I didn't know you liked Sousa marches.
- I don't.
Well, there must be something
wrong with your tuner.
I'll just turn it off.
- Not the only thing that's
gonna get turned off tonight.
- [Tom Servo] Hmm, scrumptious wordplay.
- Dinner'll be ready in 10 minutes.
- Excellent.
That gives us just
enough time for a toast.
- I suppose it does.
Is there anything special
we're celebrating?
- Well, this is an anniversary of sorts.
It was exactly two
months ago that you came
to the university.
- Has it been that long?
- Yes it has.
- [Jonah] And I already flunked out.
- I'll never forget
seeing you that first day.
You were so beautiful.
You could have knocked me off my feet.
(Tom Servo shouts)
- Seating for one?
- [Tom Servo] Your pain pleases me.
- Yes, I'm just fine.
The chair must have slipped.
- Or demons.
- Well.
Besides, champagne is always
best when opened standing,
I always say.
- He always says that?
- That a saying?
- I've never heard it.
- Yeah.
- Oh yes, that...
Well, although we haven't
known each other that long,
I feel a special bond
has grown between us,
and more importantly, we
respect each other's dignity.
- [Tom Servo] Oh, I'm sorry,
this ever happens to me!
- [Jonah] Classic.
It's so funny, Anderson.
- I'm hardly even damp.
- What a great sport this guy is.
The drinks are on him.
- He puts the Dom in Dom Perignon.
- Looks like we have at least enough left
for one glass each.
- [Tom Servo] Two if
we wring out my jacket.
- Should we have some, then?
- Absolutely.
- Upsy...
- [Jonah] Just get...
- Daisy.
- [Jonah] I lost my champagne
flutes in the divorce.
Will these do?
They're dessert cups.
(Munchie humming)
- [Crow] So he has to be
physically present for this prank,
but the others he does from the credenza?
I'm starting to think this
movie might not make sense.
- Well, before we toast.
- We should bread.
- I have something I'd like to say to you.
Actually, something to ask you.
- [Tom Servo] Remember,
Cathy, you are human woman.
- This is the most important thing
I've ever asked anyone in my life.
- [Crow] Can you get me out of this movie?
- And that thing is,
well, that thing is...
- [Tom Servo] Incoming joke, six o'clock.
(Elliott shouting)
- [Jonah] Ah yes, the
traditional proposal dance
of the North American douche tribe.
- I heard some noises.
Is everything right?
- No, everything is not all
right, you smart-aleck punk!
Everything is all wrong.
- Elliot!
- [Crow] He's not smart.
- That innocent little face fool you.
He's been out to sabotage
this entire evening.
- That's ridiculous.
He's been up in his
room the whole evening.
- I'm telling you he is responsible.
Now, I don't know how,
but if he were my kid,
I'd take him outside-
- Elliot.
- [Tom Servo] I'm not gonna
take him outside and shoot him.
- Now Gage, Elliott's just
a little off tonight, honey.
Why don't you go up to your
room and I'll see you later.
- [Jonah] Not if I see you later first.
- [Crow] And another
Papa Roach fan is born.
- Well, I'm sorry, Cathy.
I overreacted just a bit.
I should never have yelled at the boy.
- No, that's my department.
- [Tom Servo] Yelling and acquisitions.
- Look, Cathy, things
seem to have gotten off
on the wrong foot.
- [Jonah] Ha!
- So why don't we save
your meal for another time
and let me take you out for a nice dinner?
- We'll go Dutch.
- I don't know.
- Gage has been acting
so strangely lately.
I don't wanna leave him alone.
- All children always
have these mood swings.
It's part of growing up.
- [Tom Servo] I saw them bluffing.
- Besides, you deserve
at least one night off
from being a parent.
- [Tom Servo] Parenting,
the sometimes job.
- All right.
Gage, honey?
- Yeah, Mom?
- Just chilling on the landing, huh?
- Elliot and I have decided
to go out to dinner.
Is that okay?
- Sure.
- Okay, I'll lock up and we'll
only be gone a few hours.
I'll get my jacket.
- And my mace.
- What could happen in a few hours?
- [Jonah] At least a dozen hijinks
and half a shenanigan, but who's counting?
- I'm sorry, Cathy.
- [Tom Servo] Filmed in
voyeuristic neighbor vision.
- Oh, thank you.
- I know this great little Italian place.
You're gonna love it.
- Wonderful.
♪ Somewhere out there ♪
- [Jonah] I hate to belabor the point,
but I still wish I was dead.
- They're gone.
You can come out now.
- [Crow] In the name of the
ninth house, I summon the.
- Of course I'm here.
Where else should I be?
- [Tom Servo] Branson, Catskills,
cruise ship, I don't know.
- So I took care of Mr. GQ for you.
- Yeah, he got him good all right.
But I'm the one who got the blame.
- Did you see his face?
She'll never marry that schnook now.
- [Tom Servo] Schnook?
- I guess you're right.
But you just go too far.
- Gage, you should never ask for anything
unless you really want it.
- I know.
- [Crow] Is that what the puppet team said
to the concept artist for this movie?
- I know what you need,a party.
You're down in the dumps, right?
A party.
- A party, here?
- In this economy?
- No way.
- And Andrea is the first
one to get an invite.
- Forget it.
Look, I'm gonna go upstairs to study.
You can watch TV if you want.
- I'm going back to the kitchen.
Later, alligator.
- No parties.
Do you hear me?
- [Jonah] No, I don't speak Munchie,
but methinks there's gonna be a party.
- I hear him.
But I'm just not listening.
- [Crow] Dom, can we get another take?
- [Jonah] He's fine, let's go.
- Kinga, Dr. Saint Vibes is
entering our local space.
Did you know about this?
- Oh, yeah.
It's an insurance thing.
I've got to have Jonah
interviewed by a doctor
or Blue Cross isn't gonna touch us.
- But she only works on
oversized, horrible creatures.
- Yeah.
- Oh!
Bird! (laughing)
Woo!
- Oh, good day, fellas!
It's me, Dr. Donna Saint Vibes.
Kinga asked me to swing
by to check your vitals
and see if everything with bits and bobs
are all up to snuff.
- Oh, Hey, Dr. Saint Vibes.
This is perfect timing as
you're the perfect person
to ask this, but we gotta
know, what's a Munchie?
Is it like a demigod?
- Is he a science experiment
gone horribly wrong?
- Is he some sort if meat
coagulate like spam or manwich?
- Yeah.
- Really?, those are all
very terrible guesses,
but that's all right, let me just
walk you through the ins and outs
of this fascinating
creature's evolutionary tree.
Munchie's earliest ancestors
are these little fellows,
the gremlins, a wholly
original movie monster
packed with personality and charm.
- Aww, Munchie has his ears!
- Yeah, but thankfully, not his confidence
about showing off his naked body.
- Well, get a couple
drinks in him, and well,
anyway, unfortunately, genetic mutation
introduced DNA corruptions
that led the gremlins
to give birth to ghoulies.
- Ugh, I wouldn't want that
popping outta my toilet.
- Though, to be fair, they
did make it through college.
- And most of them even
graduated monster cum laude.
From there, the evolutionary tree
continued to produce ever
more rotten monster fruit.
Ghoulies spawned critters,
which spawned trolls,
which spawned the goblins
that were in "Troll 2"
even though they were
not trolls, but goblins,
which spawned hobgoblins,
and then the genetic record
gets a little hard to read, but eventually
it leads to leprechauns.
- Yeah, okay, but what about Munchie?
- Oh, we think that's what happens
when a Teddy Ruxpin is badly burned
in a rocket fire explosion.
In fact, we've got one on board.
- What?!
- I was able to clone one this morning
from a tick trapped in amber.
He's already on the bottle.
- Huh, wow.
Sure is cute, right guys?
- Yeah.
- Super cute.
Does he talk?
- Oh.
Oh, I'm afraid so, but I have
him heavily sedated right now.
Oh, no, shh, no no no.
♪ Hell my baby, hello my honey ♪
♪ Hello my ragtime ♪
- Oh, we got movie sign!
(alarm blaring)
(doors whirring and banging)
(phone buttons beeping)
- [Tom Servo] Lonely Munchies in your area
are waiting to talk to you.
- Hello, is this Andrea Kurtz?
Hi, this is Gage Dobson.
(Jonah buzzing)
- That's great...
(Jonah buzzing)
6934 Madison.
Sure, you can bring your father.
Okay, bye-bye.
- Hello, Saul's Catering.
This is Elliot Carlisle.
- With tiny mustache.
- Yeah, good to talk to you again.
Listen, Saul, I'm having a party tonight
over at Cathy Dobson's place.
Could you fix me up with
the works on short notice?
About 50, 60 people.
Need my credit card number?
Good, you have it on file.
And listen, Saul, shoot the works.
Price is no object.
- [Tom Servo] Okay, so
Munchie can sound like anyone
and he chooses to sound like Dom DeLuise?
I'll tell ya.
- This is Jack.
How's it going?
Look, I'm out promoting my latest picture,
and I wanna have a little party.
You think you could airlift
some girls in for me?
- [Crow] With parachutes this time, okay?
- Sure, why not?
Thanks, pal, I owe you one.
Let me give you the address.
- [Crow] What do you guys
think the address is,
666 Hell Street, Satan's
Butthole, California?
- Hey, it's called San Bernardino.
(upbeat music)
- [Jonah] Contemporary
rock and roll at this hour?
(upbeat music)
- [Jonah] Those
troublemakers at Alpha House
have really done it this time!
- [Crow] This looks like
Party City employees
decided to throw a rager after work.
- [Tom Servo] Nice, every
white person in town showed up!
- [Jonah] So this is what
it's like to be popular?
And to think, all I had
to do was beat the crap
out of one of my peers.
- Yo, pal!
Hey, welcome to the party.
All right, what's your pleasure?
- My mother is gonna kill me.
- Relax, pal, she won't be home for hours.
- [Jonah] Pal!
- Clean up.
(doorbell rings)
Hey, do me a favor, will ya?
Answer the door, I'm busy here.
You know, getting the drinks and all.
What a party, what a party.
- [Crow] I'm gonna find someone
to help me do a keg stand.
- Gage Dobson.
What are you doing here?
- I live here.
- Huh.
You folks sure know how
to throw a great party.
Oh, you can forget about those
20 extra hours of study hall.
- And the two demerits,
whatever those are.
- [Jonah] Who throws a party and invites
your school principal?
- [Tom Servo] Gotta be Munchie.
- Hi Gage.
This is my father.
- Hell, Mr. Kurtz.
- Well, hi Gage.
How you doing?
- [Jonah] Oh, Free Mason too, I see.
- This is something.
I've never been to a party like this.
- [Crow] That's nice, dear.
Now let me introduce you to Timothy Leary.
- Neither have I.
- [Jonah] While Gage
was uptown with Munchie,
Cathy was downtown getting drunky.
(Jonah humming)
- So, Cathy.
What do you say?
- [Tom Servo] Chocolate,
chocolate, chocolate, ack!
- Elliott, you and I
are such good friends.
Why don't we just keep
it like that for a while?
I don't think I'm ready to make
a serious commitment right now.
- Well, I don't think you
know what you want, Cathy.
- [Crow] Gaslighting.
- Do you think I'm in the habit
of proposing marriage every day?
- No, Elliott, I didn't say that.
- Hey, look, time is running out, babe.
I have power and prestige.
And 30-something divorcees with children
are a glut on today's market.
- [Tom Servo] Well, when you put it
in market terms, I guess.
- [Cathy] That you said just about enough.
I'd like you to take me home now.
- [Crow] Waiter, cancel
the celebratory tiramisu.
- Si, senor.
- I'll get this.
- Nonsense.
When I take a lady out, I always pay.
- [Jonah] Emotionally.
- [Jonah] Oh, Mr. Vitelli's gonna chase
so many pizzas over this!
- [Crow] Who's first on
the call sheet now, bitch.
- My wallet, I...
I must have left it in my other jacket.
(paper rustling)
- [Jonah] Here, I'll pay
with these crunchy leaves.
- Senorita.
- [Tom Servo] Another lie,
my web of deceit grows.
(upbeat music)
- [Man] One great party!
- [Crow] You think Gage's party is great?
There's a five year old down
the street with an opium den!
- Excuse me.
- [Tom Servo] So I says
to the doc, I says,
"but Doc, I am Pogliozi!"
- [Jonah] Sorry, I thought
this was Harry Potter's room.
Sorry.
- [Munchie] I'm nervous.
- [Crow] Now I'm off to find the Batman.
- [Tom Servo] Go, go, go!
I lit the fuse stick under
the house, it's about to blow!
- [Jonah] Swing set,
middle school second base.
- This is better.
- Yeah, it's pretty crowded in there.
Your dad seems like nice guy.
- This is the happiest
I've seen him since-
- [Crow] The war.
- Since Mom died.
- Oh, come on, Munchie.
- You know, I'm really glad
you asked us over tonight.
I did?
Oh, yeah, I did.
Who else could have?
(both talking at once)
- Gage, Gage!
- [Tom Servo] Gage, they found me!
I don't know how they found
me, but they found me!
- I have something to tell you.
Gage, I wanted you to
be the first to know,
the university called, I
have received my grant!
- That's great, professor.
This is Andrea.
- Oh, enchante.
- Professor Cruikshank is
going around the world.
- Sounds like fun.
- Fun.
That is a beautiful word.
- [Crow] Oh, here comes a song.
- Am going to have fun.
I think I remember how to do that.
- The professor's a little...
- Drunk?
- I see you're having a hoo-ha in there.
- [Jonah] His Pacino is terrible.
- You could call it that.
- I wonder if I could attend.
- Sure.
Everyone else is.
- [Crow] Two drink minimum, though.
- Listen, is it possible
that your little friend-
- [Jonah] Could you do me
a favor and tell everyone
I'm your uncle, say I'm from
Jamaica, yeah, that's it.
- [Tom Servo] Michael Mann's "Munchie."
- Look at all these cars.
- Pretty nice.
- Someone must be having a party.
- [Jonah] It's pronounced hoo-ha.
- Think it's you.
(upbeat music)
♪ Incessant pattern
and meaningless nouns ♪
- [Tom Servo] I meant what I said
about divorced moms, Cathy.
Please reconsider my offer.
- Great party, but don't
go in the bathroom.
- [Crow] I am protected!
(upbeat music)
- Gage!
- Garfield!
- Dennis!
- Malcolm!
- Alvin!
(tense music)
- Hi Mom.
I had some friends over.
- Everybody out.
(comical music)
- [Jonah] Mein Trumpet.
♪ Life is unfair ♪
- [Crow] President in 1945.
- November, good month.
You know, maybe you could get a loan
from the Small Business Administration
to clean this place up.
- [Tom Servo] Ha, you
just got Cruikshanked.
- Congratulations, Gage.
- Congratulations?
- Mm-hmm.
You have the singular honor of cleaning up
this entire mess all by yourself.
I think that'll take care
of your weekend, young man.
- Yeah, it probably will.
- [Crow] Ah, but that's fair!
- [Jonah] And action.
Action, Elliot, action!
Action!
(mischievous music)
(Munchie snoring)
- [Tom Servo] Someone
get the adrenaline shot!
- What in the hell is that?!
- No!
- [Crow] I think you mean
who in the hell is that?
- [Elliott] Right there.
- [GPC] Praise heaven, we're
eating Munchie tonight!
- My friend!
- Your friend?
Be most interested to know
where you find your friends.
Incredible specimen I've ever seen.
I'm going to take it to the
laboratory for research!
- To cut open like all your dogs and cats?
No way.
- Can't we be civilized, Dr. Carlisle?
This is an intelligent being.
It's not a subject for vivisection.
- [Gpc] Gesundheit.
- [Munchie] I'd listen
to him if I was you, Doc!
- Be quiet.
- You give whatever it is back to Gage.
- Look, house is on fire!
- [Crow] They're in the house.
Jeez.
- [Tom Servo] Still worked.
Ah, Miller Lite!
It burns!
- [Jonah] It's comforting to
see Munchie in a body bag.
- [Crow] Yeah.
- [Munchie] Drop me one more
time I'm gonna toss my cookies.
- We gotta get him outta here!
- But how?
- [Crow] Maybe open the bag?
- Hope you know what you
are doing, 'cause I don't.
- [Tom Servo] Who run the world?
- Come back here!
- [Jonah] Well, his
relationship with Cathy
was pretty much done anyway.
Might as well vivisect a dog monster thing
and call it a day.
(tense music)
(engine revving)
(tires squealing)
♪ Munch ♪
♪ Crunch ♪
♪ Knock him down then go have brunch ♪
♪ Dom De Luise ♪
- [Crow] Okay, Chrysler
LaBaron, don't fail me now.
- "Grand Theft Auto: Munch City."
- It's okay, Mrs. Dobson.
We can follow in my car.
- Great.
By the way, who are you?
- He's my father.
- Oh, good.
That explains everything.
- And who are you?
- I'm your son's crush.
- And who am I?
- You're Gage's mom.
(engine revving)
(tires squealing)
- [Tom Servo] Wow, this
thing handles like a pizza.
- So how's our prize package doing?
- He should be okay.
(robots shout)
- Greetings, professor.
Any calls for me while I was out?
- [Jonah] Never get used to it.
- Somebody know you're with us?
- [Tom Servo] I love a
sensible sedan chase.
- I don't need these to drive.
Wait, yes I do.
I do!
- Where are we going?
- Nowhere in particular.
- Just cruising.
- Have you ever been there?
- [Crow] Witness me!
- [Jonah] Harry Potter's falling down.
- Professor, I hope you got a Ding-Dong
or a Twinkie in your pocket.
- What's a Twinkie?
- Hey-o!
- Drop me off at the
next Seven-11, will ya?
- No time now, Elliott's
coming up behind us.
- [Crow] We munch, we die, we munch again.
- I can lose that guy.
Give me the wheel, professor.
- What are you talking about?
You have to have a license.
- Who needs a license?
I invented the automobile.
Give it, give it.
- [Tom Servo] Whoa,
that's not the gear shift!
- [Jonah] Man, when Elliot
wants to dissect something,
he really goes balls to the wall.
- No, something hit us, it's Elliott.
- That guy's a pain in the bumper.
- Elliot went from jerk
to attempted murderer
in less than a minute.
- One more hit like that and
he'll knock us off the road!
- We can't stop now.
- [Tom Servo] Come on, Munchie, didn't you
invent the Tokyo drift?
- Wait, what happened, are we looping?
- Professor, I don't suppose this thing
has got a fifth gear, does it?
- [Jonah] I wish this movie
was gone in 60 seconds.
- Fly away
- Fly away, why didn't you say so?
Professor, I thought you were
the brains of the outfit.
- [Crow] You could have
done this the whole time?
What are Munchie's rules?
- [Tom Servo] Once this baby
goes to 88 miles per hour,
we're going to see some serious fun!
- Jimmy Smiths is Ned
Flanders in "Drive Angry.
♪ Highway to the Munchie zone ♪
- [Jonah] Munchie
(indistinct) can't breathe.
- [Tom Servo] I understand now, Munchie,
you are the way of the light!
(tires squealing)
(Elliott shouting)
- [Crow] America runs on Dunkin,
but crashes on Winchell's.
- [Jonah] All right, show's over.
This pointless chase
scene's gone on long enough.
(Tom Servo babbling)
- You gotta stop them!
There's this flying Jeep and this
wonderfully weird little creature.
- [Crow] Ooh, someone's
got a crush on Munchie.
- Oh, but they're up there.
You had to have seen them!
- Oh, sure we saw them.
They were chasing Santa
and eight flying reindeer.
- [Tom Servo] Really?!
- Drinking?
The guy smells like a brewery.
- Some little girl sprayed
beer in my face, you ninny!
- Was she with a creature
in the flying tank?
Not a tank, you idiot,
a Jeep, a flying Jeep!
- May we see some sort
of identification, sir?
- Of course!
- Maybe my friend Benjamin Franklin
could be my identification, hmm?
- I lost my wallet.
I am Dr. Elliott Carlisle,
department head of research
at Jefferson University.
- I'm Mr. Spock.
This is Captain Kirk.
I think it's time we beamed him up.
- By the way, we do improv.
You should see us sometime.
- Wait, I'm telling you
they're right up there!
- [Tom Servo] Seriously,
Munchie, starting to black out.
(Munchie humming)
♪ Munchie in the sky with diamonds ♪
♪ Bam, bow ♪
- [Tom Servo] Wow, infrastructure.
- Wow.
- [Jonah] Infrastructure.
Hey, I think I see the
lost boys from here!
- The only way to fly.
- How long can we stay up here?
- Not too long.
It's a strain on my resources.
- Financially?
- Enjoy it while we can.
- Excuse me.
How are you at landings?
- Professor, I fly as well as I drive.
- Help!
Help!
- Shamblin Entertainment.
- [Tom Servo] We're
giving you two demerits,
whatever those are.
- Wait, wait a minute!
I know that woman.
- That's Mrs. Burt Reynolds!
- Cathy?
Cathy, tell them who I am!
- [Crow] Well at least
tell them who I'm not!
- Cathy, tell them who I am!
- Officers, I've never seen
this man before in my life.
- [Tom Servo] Game, set, munch.
- Cathy, don't let them take me!
(Andrea giggling)
- [Tom Servo] I haven't laughed
like that since Mom died.
- Cathy!
Was it something I said?
- In the car, sir.
- [Crow] I'll buckle your car seat
and then give you your snack cup,
but you gotta calm down, sir.
- [Tom Servo] Oh, I'm
glad they didn't show
the exciting landing sequence.
(horn honking)
- Everything all right, Officer?
- Nah, no, Professor Cruikshank.
We got a drunken looney here.
Couple of months at a state prison farm
oughta straighten him out.
- Well, don't get any
jelly from the donuts
on the front from your uniform.
- [Tom Servo] Maybe workshop
that one, Cruikshanks.
- See you.
- Nice guy, the professor,
but a little strange.
- [Dispatch] One Adam 10, one Adam 10.
- [Crow] One outta 10?
Are they already reviewing the movie?
(robots chuckling)
- See the man.
- Yoo-hoo, remember me?
What's up, Doc?
- Look there he is!
That's him!
That's him, I told you!
Look, I'm not a lunatic, I'm a doctor!
- Hasta la vista, baby!
- [Tom Servo] Oh, how
many more catch phrases
is this guy gonna steal?
- [Jonah] This is your captain.
You know, it's such a nice day,
I thought we'd drive to Cleveland.
- [Crow] Would the owner of a lost plot
please report the American Airlines gate?
- Exciting.
An opportunity to explore
ancient civilizations
with someone who might have created them.
- [Tom Servo] And probably destroyed them.
- Yeah, I guess it's all for the best.
When Elliott gets out of jail,
he's gonna come looking for Munchie.
He'll be safe with you.
- [Tom Servo] Don't worry, pal.
Munchie's got friends on the inside.
- I'm really gonna miss you.
- And I'm gonna miss
you too, pal, big times.
But the professor needs me.
Don't worry.
You haven't seen the last of me.
- [Robots] No, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Professor, tempus fugit, we
don't wanna miss our flight.
- All right, put your head
down so I don't knock you.
- So they're a blended family now?
- Tickets and we are going.
Munchie, are you comfortable down there?
- [Munchie] Wake up call for six.
- Munchie, do me a favor, don't talk,
there are people around.
- [Tom Servo] He couldn't
have asked for that sooner?
- [Jonah] I love you, Munchie.
- [Woman On Loudspeaker] 17
leaving for the Lost City...
(Tom Servo giggles)
Now boarding at gate 12.
- [Jonah] This is a real ticket.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
- [Professor] Be nice.
- So are Gage and Andrea
brother and sister now?
Weird.
- [Man] We've gotta get on board.
- [Gate Agent] I'm sorry,
sir, but the aircraft
has already begun its
taxi down the runway.
- That's impossible.
I'm the captain, this is my crew.
We were held up in a stalled elevator.
- I don't understand.
If you're the crew, then
who's at the controls
of that plane?
♪ Hopeful hijacking music ♪
- [Crow] All according to
Munchie's diabolical plan.
- [Tom Servo] So what's the sequel,
Cruikshank and Munchie go
flying around the globe
solving mysteries of the ancient world?
- [Jonah] No, no, I think it's them flying
to Cabo San Lucas and starting
that bar and restaurant
they were always talking about.
TGI Munchie's.
- [Crow] I like to think
they think they crashed
into the Andes and then they had to
feast on Munchie to survive.
- [Munchie] And get ready
for the ride of your life!
Party time!
- [Jonah] Cathy was sentenced
to 12 years in prison
for fraudulent catering charges
on Elliott's missing credit card.
- [Crow] Elliott died on the prison farm
and was vivisected by the other inmates.
No charges have been filed.
- [Tom Servo] Professor Cruikshank
was arrested for hijacking
and held indefinitely
at Guantanamo Bay.
He does not expect a trial.
- [Jonah] Hold on, main
character but fourth billed?
Ouch.
- [Crow] Love Hewitt, and that's an order.
- [Tom Servo] I still don't think
anybody learned any fractions.
- [Jonah] Gorsh!
- [Crow] Ace Mask, private eye.
- [Tom Servo] Well, guess
I'm off to "Death Stalker 2!"
- [Jonah] I was in the pool!
- [Crow] Last known photo.
- [Tom Servo] I'm glad
he's in this so now I know
what "Phantasm" would be
like as a family film.
- [Jonah] Or?
- [Tom Servo] Dom DeLuisee
was tried in the Hague
for crimes against humanity
in connection with this film.
- [Crow] Thank you,
Munchie, for everything.
- [Jonah] What are you
thanking Munchie for?
(doors whirring and banging)
- You know, even though all
the science in that movie
checks out-
- It does?
- I still don't buy Munchie being around
for all of human history.
- Yeah, they really expect us to believe
an eternal creature would dress like Fonzi
and talk like a cut-rate Robin Williams?
- I don't think they're
really expecting us
to believe that, guys, it's a movie.
- Tut-tut, Jonah.
Not just a movie, a documentary movie.
- No, I don't think so, Tom.
It's just a regular-
- Yeah, didn't I see DA
Pennybaker's name on the credit?
- You almost certainly didn't, okay?
- Where you think Munchie is now?
- Nowhere, he's nowhere, he's not real.
He's made up, for the movie.
- He's real.
And he's immortal, and
he's my dearest friend.
- [Emily] Hey Jonah,
how'd your experiment go?
- Oh, not great.
I think it fried my bots'
comprehension circuits.
- The most amazing part about Munchie
is him having the same hairdo
for thousands of years.
- Not real.
- Hey, classics never go outta style.
- Okay, I'm rebooting the both of you.
Anyway, how's life on
the Simulator of Love.
- Oh, fine, thanks.
- Hey, quit hogging the view screen.
We wanna talk to Jonah's bots.
- Yeah.
I want all the hot goss from the S-O-L.
- We met at baby Munchie!
- Yeah, it was disgusting.
Emily, after the next bad movie you see-
- We must discuss what our plan shall be.
- To find our way home, we two Earthers.
- To the planet where they
make original Worthers.
- Hey.
Hey, are you two speaking in rhymes?
You know we can't hear rhymes.
- It's a genetic quirk of bad guys.
Our hearing is non-rhyming based.
- It's like how Tyrannosauruses
can only see things that move, and where
the Tyrannosaurus is and
rhyming is like standing still
for our eyes, which in this
analogy stands for our ears.
- Yeah, well, I think we've explained
our most vulnerable
weakness pretty clearly.
- Yeah, so don't take advantage of it.
Push the button, Max.
- I will, so relax.
- What did you say?
Was that a rhyme?
- I don't...
No, I couldn't hear it either.
- Gotta be Munchie.
It's incredible.
- It's unbelievable.
- It's inconceivable!
- Something we're doing
is actually working!
- Yay!
We've got two experiments
running simultaneously
and Gizmoplex attendance
is through the roof!
- Well, that's actually not that hard
since we haven't repaired the roof
since the last meteor strike.
- You know what I'm saying.
Dr. Cabal.
- [Both] The strange
financer from the future.
- Yeah, him.
He was right.
It's working.
We just have to keep
delivering the maximum possible
amount of sci-fi fluff.
- Play continues clockwise
for the next round
unless game is being
played in a protectorate
or overseas territories, in which case
it proceeds counterclockwise according to
paragraph seven, clause eight
of House resolution 227.
- I don't under...
Oh, hey everyone.
It's game night here on
the Satellite of Love
and GPC picked her favorite.
- Lawyers of Catan.
It's so thorough.
- You're telling us.
- Oh, here we go.
You are now ready to play the game!
- Hey!
- Hey!
- All right!
- However, if there are
more than three players,
all rules to this point are
null and void, see volume 18.
- Oh, come on!
- Hold me back, I'm gonna hurl
that rulebook into the sun!
- This is really your favorite game, GPC?
- Oh, I don't know.
I've never actually gotten far enough
to technically start a game,
but I'm feeling lucky tonight.
- Oh, jeez, well hold
that excitement, GPC.
We've got intro sign.
- Here we go!
(upbeat music)
♪ In the not too distant future ♪
♪ Next Sunday afternoon ♪
♪ The evil Kinga Forester ♪
♪ She ran her empire from the moon ♪
♪ Her latest plan was the Gizmoplex ♪
♪ A twisted steam based
on stole in specs ♪
♪ Now she's pulling the strings
from the old moon base ♪
♪ And she's back to her experiments ♪
♪ With prisoners out in space ♪
♪ I'll send them cheesy movies ♪
♪ The worst to motion picture wrecks ♪
♪ La la la ♪
♪ They'll have to sit and watch them all ♪
♪ And we'll stream 'em at the Gizmoplex ♪
♪ La la la ♪
♪ Now keep in mind they can control ♪
♪ Where the movies begin or end ♪
♪ La la la ♪
♪ They'll have to keep their sanity ♪
♪ With the help of the robot friends ♪
♪ Robot roll call ♪
- Cambot!
- And action.
- GPC!
- Which one?
- Tom Servo!
- That's me.
♪ Crow ♪
♪ If you're wondering
how we eat and breathe ♪
♪ And other science facts ♪
♪ La la la ♪
♪ Then repeat to yourself,
"it's just a show ♪
♪ I should really just relax" ♪
♪ For Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♪
- In this scenario, player
two must file form 27B-6.
- Ugh.
- Or forfeit his small claim standing.
GPC, can I stop for some water?
My throat hurts, and
I don't even have one.
- Stop now?
It's just getting good!
- Oh good, Milton Bradley are calling.
- Wake up, little Susie,
invention exchange time.
I'll do my one good deed
for the day and go first.
Benjamin Franklin once
said that in this world,
only two things are
certain, climate change
and the zombie apocalypse.
So why not use one to solve the other?
Presenting the dead mill.
Jet Screen, put up those
patent drawings we submitted.
By wiring up a treadmill
to a rechargeable battery,
then sticking one of your
ambulatory undead on it,
we'll call this one Rick, we're estimating
we can rock 17 kilowatts an hour.
- Now you may be wondering,
how do you motivate
that shambling horror to keep those
deteriorating thighs burning?
How are we going to do that?
- With bait, silly.
(both laughing)
Just take some poor dope and make him
your own moveable feast.
- Oh, I...
Couldn't help noticing that
the bait kind of looks like me.
- Don't worry, the whole
thing's perfectly safe.
I mean, what are you, crazy?
A zombie on a treadmill overtaking you?
- Yeah, that's right.
I'm pretty fast, I
could out think a zombie
for a good 20 minutes.
- My point exactly.
And then I can finally use
my electric toothbrush.
(Kinga buzzing)
- By a cosmic coincidence, our invention
will also save the Earth.
♪ I love rock and roll ♪
- But I hate pollution, baby.
And rock bands are the main offenders.
- Mother Earth needs to be protected.
So we created Sustain-a-band, a new way
to reduce, reuse, and rock-cycle.
- No more wastefully
dropping perfectly good mics
only to see them swept into landfills.
This one's got a bungee attached
so it comes right back to your hand.
- Thank you, good night!
All right, time for the encore!
Thanks, Sustain-a-band.
- No more rainforests gently weeping
because a guitarist just had to work out
his aggression on stage.
- There's no Diet Snapple
in the green room!
Gah!
Oh, whoa!
Wow, thanks to Sustain-a-band,
I can smash and de-smash the same guitar
over and over again.
- Your Les Paul is now More Paul!
- Woo woo.
- All right, calm down, space cowboy.
What about when drummers
fling their drumsticks
into the crowd?
You might not realize
this, but wooden sticks
are mostly made of wood.
- Using boomerang technology
from the exotic land
of Australia, with Sustain-a-band,
the drumstick comes back.
- Reconstitute your band more
than Iggy and the Stooges
and the Eagles combined
with Sustain-a-band.
- Ladies and gentlemen, what do you think?
- Enough do-gooding, it's
time for today's experiment.
It's the kind of family
film you'd show your family
if you didn't wanna be part
of your family anymore.
Try not to gnaw off your
own leg to escape "Munchie."
It's bad.
Oh.
Just thinking about it is...
Flush them the movie!
- [Bonesy] Munchie?
Like a treat?
- [Ardy] No, not like a treat at all.
Movie in the hole!
(toilet flushing)
♪ We're the bad school boys ♪
♪ Yeah, bad school boys ♪
♪ Hey, look out, teacher ♪
♪ We're the bad school boys ♪
- We got movie sign!
(alarm blaring)
(doors whirring and banging)
(mischievous music)
- [Jonah] "Munchie," a
quirky Sundance movie
about Munchausen Syndrome.
- [Tom Servo] Looks like Lonnie Anderson
got half Burt Reynolds' income
plus his role in "Munchie" in the divorce.
- [Crow] Andrew Stevens is Steven Andrews
in Standrew Avens.
- [Tom Servo] This is
the whole music you hear
if you call Barnum and
Bailey customer service.
- [Jonah] The E in Arte
stands for entertainment.
- [Crow] Mm.
Yep, nothing says family comedy
like disembodied teeth
chattering in an empty void.
- [Jonah] I love humor.
- [Tom Servo] Hmm, Don Bluth
must have taken a year off
and someone needed health insurance.
- [Jonah] You so rarely see
the munch wipe in movies.
(Crow chuckles)
(school bell ringing)
- Now class, I'd like
you to turn to page 44
in your math assignment books right away.
As we discussed yesterday-
♪ We don't need no education ♪
♪ We don't need no thought control ♪
Now who can tell us how we add
two thirds and three fourths?
- [Tom Servo] Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Magic.
- Yes, Andrea.
- We can change the thirds and fourths
into equal denominations.
- Thank you, Andrea, that's very good.
As you can see-
- Hormone sequence initiate!
- [Mrs. Blaylok] Equaling
eight-12ths, and here...
- [Tom Servo] I don't just
Jennifer Like Hewitt her,
I Jennifer Love Hewitt her.
(mysterious music)
(cheerful music)
(audience applauding)
- [Crow] Ladies and
gentlemen, it's the Fracties,
the night where fractions
come out to shine.
- It's my honor to read
the name of the student
whom you have chosen as your
next student body president.
Envelope, please?
Thank you.
- [Crow] I can't read.
- And the winner is...
- [GPC] "La La Land!"
Oh, not again.
- Gage Dobson.
- [Tom Servo] This is
Gage Dobson's first win
after being nominated
for such daydreams as
"What if I Were a Robot
With a Sword for an Arm?"
And "Naked Book Report II."
- [Jonah] Okay, and cue
the bucket of pig's blood.
- [Crow] I'ma let you finish.
- Tell me the sum of
two-thirds and three-tenths.
The sum of two-thirds and three-tenths.
Gage?
- [Tom Servo] That's
President Gage to you.
- I accept.
I mean, could you repeat
the question, please?
- The problem on the board.
How can we arrive at a sum?
- Sum.
♪ Body once told me the
word was gonna munchie ♪
- Now class, don't forget that your
fraction homework
assignments are due tomorrow.
- [Crow] And there's a test that's worth
over half your grade and
bring your permission slips
and other cliche things
teachers say in movies.
- [Mrs. Blaylok] Gage?
- [Tom Servo] You realize your name
is a noun and a verb, right?
- Could you stay after
class for a moment, please?
- [Jonah] Nice.
- Sure, Mrs. Blaylok.
- [Crow] Gage is modeling the fall line
of Levi Juniors denim wear.
- This is the third time
you haven't turned in
a homework assignment.
- I know.
I guess I'm just having
some trouble with fractions.
- I know it's difficult for
you, being a transfer student.
New friends, new school, and
there's a period of adjustment.
But you've been here for two months now.
- [Tom Servo] Two months and eight-tenths.
- Unless your grades improve in math,
I may have to fail you.
Do you understand that?
- Yes, Mrs. Blaylok.
- (sighs) All right, that's all for now.
But remember, I'm here after
school if you need any help.
- Sure.
- [Crow] That kid went on to work
for Apple computers, as a janitor.
- Gage.
Have you made any friends here yet?
- Oh, yeah.
Lots of 'em.
- [Jonah] And you've just
made a very powerful enemy.
- [Tom Servo] Crushed him.
(Tom Servo chuckles)
(kids chattering)
- [Crow] Square ketchup,
five different gravies,
and a pile of beans.
- [Tom Servo] Sir, excuse
me, the card's been declined.
Sir.
Security!
Hmm, who will hit me the softest?
- Yeah, that's pretty cool.
- [Crow] Gage approached
the cool kids table
with the confidence of Michael J. Fox
and the hairline of a young Wallace Sean.
- [Jonah] Mind if I
join this party of five?
- Who said you could sit here, Dobson?
- Didn't know you needed a reservation.
- [Tom Servo] Boom!
- Comedian, Leon.
- Yeah, he's funny.
Funny looking.
- No one sits at this
table unless I want 'em to.
- [Crow] So there is a system.
- Come on, Ashton.
What difference does it make?
- Dobson's a dweeb.
- [Tom Servo] And Dweebson's a dob.
- People are known by
the company they keep.
- Well, in that case,
maybe I should leave.
- Yeah, you go, girl.
Like literally, go.
- She'll be back.
- [Crow] I boogered all the chairs.
- But you won't be.
Leon, show this gentleman
where he may eat his lunch.
- [Tom Servo] Gladly, let me escort you
to the patio out back with a
nice view of the playground.
- [Jonah] No, not on picture day!
(kids laughing)
- [Crow] Gilly!
- All right.
Whose tray is this?
I said whose tray is this?
- Principal Thornton, I believe it belongs
to Gage Dobson here, sir.
- Yeah, new kid, Dobson.
- But I-
- Dobson.
- [Tom Servo] President Dobson.
- Come here.
- [Crow] Boy, there's never
a radioactive spider around
to bite you when you really need it.
- Did you beef?
- Mm-hmm.
(solemn music)
- Oh, the pan flute of dread.
- Mm.
- [Crow] Lick it up.
- [Robots] New York City?!
- [Crow] Get a rope.
- [GPC] Sparks changed their style again.
Deviled ham?!
But it's Taco Tuesday!
(Principal Thornton laughing)
- [Crow] Is this a commercial for Ritalin?
- [Tom Servo] Jim Henson's
"Dangerous Minds Babies."
- Mr. Thornton, you gotta believe me-
- You didn't think I'd know who did it?
Well, young man, I've been watching you
ever since you transferred here.
- Creepy.
- Believe me.
I don't like what I see.
- You gotta believe me.
Leon Daggart threw it.
(Crow mumbling)
- Escape retribution by blaming others.
I see I shall have to
make an example of you.
- Bang, bang, bang!
- 20 extra hours of study hall.
- Oh no.
- And two demerits.
- [Jonah] From Griffindor!
- And mark my word, Dobson.
I'll be watching you.
One more infraction and
you know what happens.
- [Crow] He joins Green Peace?
- Next on the History Channel.
Could the Continental Army beat a samurai?
- Suspension.
- Of disbelief.
- [Crow] God, I love my job.
- Ketchup.
Only ketchup.
- [Tom Servo] Meanwhile, still today.
♪ So you had a bad day ♪
♪ Your fractions weren't great ♪
♪ A couple of bullies threw your plate ♪
(explosion booming)
- [Crow] Something always happening
at old man Hindenburg's place.
- [Tom Servo] Ooh, carnage,
let me see, let me see!
- Professor Cruikshank, where are you?
- I'm here, Gage. (coughing)
If I could only figure out where here is.
- [Jonah] E equals MC my bad.
- What happened?
- [Crow] We ripped off
"Back to the Future."
- This is a lesson in
spontaneous combustion.
It seems that a faulty exhaust device
recirculated gasoline fumes
back through the manifold.
(Professor chuckles)
(Tom imitates chuckle)
This equation, all you need is
a tiny little spark and kava!
- [Tom Servo] Kavarv?
- It was my fault.
I was so busy thinking
and not busy feeling.
I didn't think about what I was doing.
- You were daydreaming.
- [Jonah] Or showing
early signs of dementia.
- That too.
You know, that's what
makes human beings unique.
- [Tom Servo] Check it.
- The ability to think,
to dream, to imagine.
Reality is only good for somebody
who can't cope with imagination.
- Do you think you'll ever
get this Jeep running?
- This bucket of bolts?
Of course I will.
Then I'll have to think of
something to do with these hands.
- [Crow] Don't, you'll go blind!
- Neighborhood would object
to a nuclear reactor here?
- I don't think that'd be a good idea.
- [Tom Servo] In bed with Begoyle, I see.
Well.
- So tell me.
Have you heard from your father this week?
- He's been really busy with
this new family and all.
- Uh-huh.
- He'll probably call on Sunday.
- [Jonah] Or a Sunday,
one day, one Sunday.
- What about your research grant?
Has the university called yet?
- Not yet, but they will.
I told them unless they give me the grant
to study ancient civilizations,
I shall resign my position
at the university.
- Would you really quit?
- No, but they don't have to know that.
- [Crow] The fools!
- And it might not be a bad idea
to get away from the university.
The longer I'm there, it
seems the less I know.
- [Tom Servo] Ooh, somebody's back
from power walking at the mall.
- This Dr. Carlisle over there.
This Dr. Carlisle injects little
animals with cancer cells,
and then he cuts them open
to find out what killed them.
Now, there doesn't seem
to be much logic to that.
- [Jonah] Yeah, who tries to cure cancer?
- Well, my mom seems to like him.
- [Crow] Jerk.
- Well, I gotta go.
Tell me when you get it running.
- Of course I will.
You'll be the first to go
for a test ride with me.
I'll see you later.
Okay?
- "Apt Pupil 2."
- [Tom Servo] Can you believe this garage
was on fire a second ago?
- [Crow] Hey, wait.
- Hi, Elliott.
- Hey.
- [Crow] Yeah.
- How's it going?
You make the football team yet?
- I don't wanna play football.
- Sure you do.
- Doodley.
- Hey, sports, teach you
team work, discipline,
competition, skills you're
gonna need later in life.
- [Tom Servo] Like not getting pantsed.
- I want you to go out there tomorrow
and try out for that team.
- You know what, honey?
Why don't you help Elliott
in with the groceries, okay?
- Sure, Mom.
- Okay, let's see.
Cancer animals, cancer animals.
Oh, here's a grocery bag.
- Now Gage, quite aware you and
I haven't really hit it off.
I know you feel like I'm taking
your mother away from you.
- [Crow] 'Cause I am.
- And your father-
- Don't talk about my father.
- Come on, Gage, you gotta face the facts.
He just doesn't want you.
- [Robots] Damn!
- Your mother.
And Cathy and I, well,
we're gonna be married.
- She ever told me.
- It's because I haven't asked her yet,
but I'm going to tomorrow night.
You know how she feels about me.
- [Tom Servo] Begrudging acceptance?
- Hey.
Hey buddy, but what's more important
is how you feel about me.
- [Tom Servo] 'Cause
I'm gonna marry you too.
- You're a creep.
(Jonah chuckles)
- [Crow] Lonnie Anderson's got that
real estate agent from Dallas look.
- No more than usual.
You know, Cathy, you
shouldn't let him spend
so much time with old Cruikshank
across the street there.
That guy's the biggest
crackpot at the university.
- He's a little eccentric
maybe, but he's harmless.
Remember, we have a date tomorrow night.
- [Jonah] With Cruikshank?
- Bring my appetite with me.
- [Tom Servo] Shave my
mustache even smaller.
- [Crow] Now let's put
on a show for the boy.
Doodley diddley dodely diddley.
Hidely ho, neighborino.
(robots chuckling)
- [Tom Servo] Oedipus Munchie.
(solemn music)
- [Crow] I shall diminish
and go into the west
and no longer be Gage Dobson.
- [Tom Servo] Parents'
love life got you down?
Do even the simplest
fractions cause you confusion?
Ask your doctor about
Wellbutrin chewables today.
- [Jonah] I was 12 going
on 13 the first time
I saw a dead Munchie.
- Someday I'll be dead.
Then they'll all be sorry.
- [Crow] Well, at least he
died doing what he loved,
wishing he was dead.
(Tom Servo chuckles)
♪ One eight double
seven coffins for kids ♪
♪ C-O-F-fins, coffins for kids ♪
♪ This is legally distinct ♪
♪ Hey ♪
- [Tom Servo] They ran outta
stands so they just had to
put the coffin on that old guy's lap.
- [Andrea] He was the
cutest boy in school.
- [Crow] Before the formaldehyde.
- He'd only spoken to me once, even.
(Tom Servo mumbling)
He'll never speak again.
- [Jonah] Good one.
- Sorry I acted like such a dreadful puke.
Actually, I was merely compensating
for an overactive inferiority complex.
- [Crow] Now to fail upwards.
- [Jonah] Ooh, one of these kids reeks.
- I threw his lunch tray against
the wall and now he's dead.
- [Tom Servo] Why is he having his funeral
during the last night of Hanukkah?
- Please forgive us, dear boy.
I'll take back those
20 hours of study hall.
- And the two demerits.
- Yes.
Whatever those are.
- [Crow] Wait, this
isn't my grandson's bris.
- Gage?
I've been arrested for bigamy.
- [Tom Servo] I married these cops.
- Recognized me on
"America's Most Wanted."
And Gage, you were right.
I am a creep.
- [Jonah] This guy's got a lot of range
for a discount Vincent Price.
(Tom Servo grunts)
- [Crow] At least someone
dressed for the funeral.
- Gage?
If you can hear me,
please forgive us, son.
O, and by the way, here's that Walkman
you wanted for your birthday.
- [Tom Servo] I swiped it
from some schmuck on the bus.
- Thanks, Mom.
I knew you'd get it someday.
- I'm sorry, sir, you'll have to be quiet.
You are dead, after all.
- Sorry, I forgot.
- [Tom Servo] Now crank
this thing up to level six.
I wanna be bronze, baby!
- [Crow] Who the hell was that old guy?
I really need therapy.
- [Jonah] Oh, Gage found
his repressed emotions.
- [Crow] What the...
- [Tom Servo] Keep out?
You can't tell me what to do.
You're not my real sign!
- [Crow] Oh, a crucifix,
the ultimate Easter egg.
- [Tom Servo] Is he going into
an abandoned Rainforest Cafe?
- [Jonah] I think so.
One-eyed Willy?
- [Crow] After the Hardy Boys split up,
Frank went onto an unsuccessful career
as a child private investigator.
- [Tom Servo] Yar, no one will
find our treasure in Burbank.
- [Crow] Ah, bear trap!
Ah!
- I wish I was dead.
- To be or not to be.
- Jeez, Gage.
- To live in a box or to make merry.
Party time, ariba.
- What?
- Who said that?
- [Munchie] Me, I did, pal.
It's me.
You want I should draw you a map?
Inside the box!
- Inside the box.
- Yeah.
- Right.
This is one of those
hidden video shows, right?
- [Munchie] Wrong.
- Okay, you got me, where are the cameras?
- [Munchie] No cameras,
no special effects.
Just little old me inside
this little old box.
Get it?
- How'd you get in there?
- [Munchie] Long story, pal.
But right now, the secret
word is open sesame.
- That's two words.
- Who are you?
- [Munchie] Ah, listen, pal.
You couldn't even pronounce my name,
but I'll tell you what,
you can call me Munchie.
Hey, how about pulling out that
pin so I can get outta here?
- You won't hurt me?
- [Munchie] Hurt you?
Pal, I'm your new friend.
I help, I dazzle, I make
better, I'm friendly to a fault.
- [Tom Servo] Like Ellen DeGeneres.
- [Munchie] That's it.
Whoa!
Ooh, just what I always
wanted, a room with a view.
(Munchie laughs)
- [Crow] I prefer "Howard's End."
(fanfare music)
- [Tom Servo] Ah yes, Aaron Copeland's
"Fanfare for the Common Munchie."
- [Jonah] Yeah, what's going on?
- [Crow] What's happening?
- Oh!
- Oh god!
- What is that?!
- Oh my god!
- What is that?!
- Oh my god!
- [Crow] No!
- No!
- No, no!
What is this?!
- [Tom Servo] Please stop,
please stop, please stop!
(robots shouting indistinctly)
- [GPC] What's going on?!
- [Jonah] We don't know!
We don't know, GPC!
We don't know!
- Get outta here!
Go, go, go!
I love you too much, get outta here.
Run, go, go!
I'll take one for the team!
What's going on?!
- What I do?
(doors whirring and banging)
(Crow chuckling)
- Jonah, what the heck was that?!
- I don't know, Crow, I
don't know what that was.
- It's like a collection of
twitches covered in latex.
- It looked like a melted Dom DeLuise
being played by a melted Tom DeLuise!
- And he's only been on
screen for 30 seconds?!
I don't know how we're gonna make it.
- No, no, okay guys, we can do this.
We can do this, okay?
We just have to get centered,
we have to mellow out, okay?
Let's do our humming.
- Okay.
- Let's hum with me, okay?
(all three humming)
(all talking at once)
- Game over!
Game over!
- Hey, hey, hey.
What are you dorks doing?
Get back in the theater.
- No.
- What did you just say?
You realize I can shut off
your oxygen, right, Heston?
- No Kinga, no, I don't
think you actually can.
You've been threatening me with
that since I showed up here,
and I don't think you have it in you,
and if you think these empty threats
are gonna change anything...
(Kinga grunts)
- Yeah, no dice, Kinga.
We've taken your guff for
too long, right, Jonah?
- Take that, ha ha.
- That's right, Jonah.
I'm allergic to guff.
And pet dander, weirdly.
- Yeah, but you love dogs.
That must be so hard for you.
- Is it hard to breathe?
- Thanks for the sympathy, Jonah,
but you know, I get by,
there's lots of dogs
that don't shed.
For instance, Bedlington
Terrior, Bichon Frise,
Portuguese Water Dog.
- Let that be a lesson to you.
Now get back in the theater!
- Golden Doodles.
- Yep.
- Silver Doodles.
- Uh-huh.
- Bronze Doodles.
(Jonah gasps)
Jonah, you interrupted my dog list.
- I'm sorry.
- You know, hearing all those dog names
was oddly refreshing.
I think I can handle
the rest of the movie.
- Yeah, I'm suddenly full of
renewed purpose and vigor.
(alarm blaring)
- Oh, we've got Munchie sign!
(robots shouting)
- Other way.
- I did.
(doors whirring and banging)
- Mom!
- [Jonah] We're gonna
get through this, guys.
We're gonna be okay.
- Gage, where have you been,
and what have I told you
about coming home after dark?
Now your dinner is cold and
I am not going to reheat it.
- It's gazpacho.
- Listen, I was in this old abandoned mine
and there was this little creature
and it jumped out of its
box and it started singing.
- It's sang?
- [Tom Servo] What, better than me?
- Gage, you know, someday your daydreaming
may make you millions, but right now
all it's getting you is not
even a cold dinner and bed.
- But Mom-
- Listen to me, young man, upstairs now.
- [Crow] Self-wedgying pants
for the nerd on the go.
- [Gage] Like the funeral.
- The funeral?
- On a school night?
- What funeral?
- Nevermind, Mom.
You just better keep on watching
"America's Most Wanted."
- [Tom Servo] What a stupid kid.
(people shouting on television)
- [Crow] What have you
done to Teddy Ruxpin?!
- What are you doing here?
- [Munchie] Hmm.
- [Jonah] Drop.
(Tom Servo chuckles)
- Waiting for you, pal.
And I am famished, ooh.
What I could do to a quiche and a yoohoo.
- [Tom Servo] What.
- How'd you find me?
- Well, I'm fast on my feet.
- [Crow] What feet?
- I followed you home, pal, real simple.
- Then how did you get here before I did?
- Magic, pal.
I'm a great magician.
In fact, I'm so hungry, I could make
a turkey disappear just like that.
- That's called eating.
- What are you watching.
- Television.
Ah, it used to be wonderful.
Now, I think there's just
too many darn reruns!
- (knocking on door)
- [Tom Servo] You can use my
YouTube login if you want.
(eerie music)
- [Crow] He was raptured!
- [Cathy] Gage?
- Yeah?
- [Tom Servo] Your friends told me
to throw this food at you.
- Honey, are you talking to yourself?
- Yeah, I guess I was.
- Well, I'm still really upset with you,
but I brought you something to eat.
- [Tom Servo] My discipline
has no follow-through.
- Now as soon as you eat that,
I want you to go right to bed, okay?
- [Crow] Establish food.
- Sure, Mom.
- [Jonah] Hail Hydra.
- I feel fine.
- You sure?
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
Good night, Gage.
- Good night.
- [Tom Servo] Just leave
the tray outside the door
when you're finished,
I'll add it to your bill.
- [Munchie] Hey, pal.
- Great.
- My mom thinks I'm losing my marbles,
and you won't even let her see you.
- You know where I come
from, I'm just ordinary.
I mean ordinary.
Now my father, whoa, there was a guy.
What a guy.
He had a pet dinosaur that
was paper trained, ha ha.
- Is that a joke?
- I don't know
- What laughs.
But times have changed.
Hey, you've been so nice
to me, I owe you one.
What do you want?
Ask for it.
Anything.
Don't matter.
What do you need?
- [Tom Servo] To get a word in edgewise.
- [Crow] To finally find out
if Bert Reynolds is my dad.
- I'd like to be popular.
I'd like Mom not to
marry that creep Elliott.
I'd like Andrea Kurtz to
know I was even alive.
I'd like Principal Thornton to get his.
- [Tom Servo] Yeah, let the
hateful through you, kid.
- Total idiots in front
of the entire school,
and I'd like to pass math.
- No problem, consider it done.
- [Jonah] Yet another chance to end
the Middle East conflict wasted.
- And right now, I'd rather
have a hot pepperoni pizza
than those leftovers.
- Hot pepperoni pizza.
You know something, kid?
We could be friends.
- [Crow] With our niche
love of pizza and all.
- It's no use.
Mom will never let me call out.
- Call out?
Kid, don't make me laugh.
- [Tom Servo] Satan taught me this one.
- I'm hot.
One large pepperoni pizza coming up,
in 30 seconds or you get it free.
- [Jonah] Can we avoid the nod, please?
Don't need another.
- Abra kadabra.
(mischievous music)
- Cue the Italian oompah band.
- Oh boy!
Are you gonna love this pizza.
Giuseppe make special
for you in the kitchen-
- [Tom Servo] One pepperoni pizza
with extra cultural stereotype!
- One super special for two, eh?
- [Jonah] Wow, Wario's
really fallen on hard times.
- [Crow] Mama mia, the pizza,
she glow like the Virgin Mary!
- Come on.
- Yee-haw!
- [Tom Servo] "Yee-haw?"
- One of my specials.
- [Tom Servo] On the next episode
of "Kitchen Waking Nightmares."
- [Crow] Think fast food!
- Get away from me!
- Hey, you can't leave
now, come back here!
- [Jonah] Ratatouille finally snaps.
(Crow chuckles)
- Let's try Chinese instead!
- [Tom Servo] Didn't David
Letterman do this bit?
- [Crow] This is why the
Italian Benihana never took off.
- Whoa, check it out.
(chef shouting indistinctly)
- [Jonah] Yeah, 72, we have a,
there's just a lot going on.
(tires squealing)
(siren wails)
- [Tom Servo] Sir, do you
know how slow you were going?
- [Crow] So, this is
"The Italian Job," huh?
- [Tom Servo] Yeah.
- Leave the driving to us.
(tires squealing)
- [Jonah] Did the pizza's
wheels just screech?
(Tom Servo chuckles)
- Yeah, I can smell it from here, kid.
Set the table.
- [Tom Servo] All practical effects.
- It's possible.
- [Crow] Jeez, I hope they wipe off
all the dead bugs and pigeon droppings.
- [Pizza] Yee-haw!
- [Tom Servo] My name is Harold Johnson.
A wizard turned me into a pizza.
Please don't eat me!
- Smells good.
Let's dig in.
- Anchovies?
I hate anchovies.
- Munchie's paw.
- Just eat around them.
I'm starving.
- Can you make anything fly?
- I have a little trouble
with alphabet soup.
I keep dropping the letters. (chuckles)
Oh, and I mimic voices.
You should hear my Clark Gable.
- [Crow] The star of "Red Dust?"
- Who?
- Ooh.
I guess I'm gonna have
to update my material.
- I don't get it.
If you have all these magical powers,
how come you couldn't get outta that box?
- Look, if I'm trapped inside something,
I just can't say "hocus pocus" and escape.
I just have limits, that's all.
Everybody's got limits.
Gimme a break.
- This is hard sci-fi.
- Uh-huh.
- A long time.
A long, long time.
Put it this way, pal.
If I was making house payments,
I'd own the sucker by now.
- [Jonah] Mortgage humor.
I love it. (chuckles)
- Come to Papa.
- [Crow] No, like I said, I'm
Harold Johnson, I have kids.
Ah, please stop!
- [Tom Servo] I'll just
throw away the bones.
- Can't believe we ate that entire pizza.
- Hey, how about some
blueberry cheesecake?
It doesn't travel well,
but I do love a challenge.
- I don't think so.
- Come to think of it, I got enough gas
to drive to Cleveland.
- Hey, where are you gonna sleep tonight?
- Pal, any place is an
improvement over that box.
Actually, I was hoping to
sort of bunk down with you.
- [Robots] Ew.
- You're gonna have to
make your own bed, though.
- Don't worry about me, pal.
Hammer, nails, I come prepared.
- [Tom Servo] Pontius
Pilate sends his regards.
- [Crow] I don't think so, Tim.
- I gotta update my material.
- [Tom Servo] "Munchie" is performed
in front of a dead studio audience.
♪ There is a Munchie ♪
♪ Inside of us all ♪
♪ Listen and answer ♪
♪ To the dark lord's call ♪
♪ I pray to Munchie ♪
♪ To devour our souls ♪
(robots singing indistinctly)
- [Crow] Ugh, why is this wet?
- [Tom Servo] I wish I was dead.
- Extry, extry, Italian
immigrant goes on murder spree!
- Better shake a leg, Gage, or you won't
have time for breakfast.
- [Crow] Munchie left me famished.
- Hang on.
♪ Woke up, got out of bed ♪
♪ I soon wished that I was dead ♪
- Munchie?
- [Jonah] Gage, you gotta
get your life together.
Stop with all these one night stands!
- [Crow] Munchie go
away, you (indistinct).
- Munchie?
Munchie?
- [Tom Servo] First my dad, now Munchie?
Kid can't catch a break.
- Not even a goodbye.
♪ Welcome to the jungle ♪
♪ We got fun and games ♪
(kids chattering)
- [Crow] Whoa, the school secretary
broke the craft budget on this sign.
- [Tom Servo] Mandatory fun, my favorite.
(serene music)
- [Jonah] Study Hall, a new
fragrance by Estee Lauder.
- [Crow] Be cool, Gage.
What would Munchie do?
Ask her if she enjoys the
early work of Sid Caesar!
That's it, I'm in!
- [Tom Servo] Oh god, he saw
you, don't make eye contact.
- [Jonah] Blink.
- [Crow] All right, Gage, now
walk over to her like a human.
Good.
- [Tom Servo] This kid
should have read "The Game"
so he would've remembered
to like, wear a stupid hat
and tell her she's dumb.
- Yeah.
- [Tom Servo] Yeah.
Bur.
- [Jonah] Hey, it's the trust fund kid
and his sidekick, White Truffle.
- Thank you Leon.
Now that I have your
undivided attention, Dobson,
there are a few points I'd
like to impress on you.
- I'd listen to him if I were you.
- First, stay away from Andrea Kurtz.
- [Crow] Uh-huh.
- She's my girl for as
long as I may want her.
- There's a Kurtz on her.
- Understood.
- Second.
- Nextly.
- Andrea and myself will be performing
at the talent contest this afternoon.
Somehow you got yourself appointed
stage manager for this event.
You foul up one time during my performance
and I let Leon loose on you.
- I like to break things.
- [Tom Servo] I like to boogie.
- He starts with the legs.
I trust I've made myself clear.
You may nod your head in agreement.
- Oh, may I?
- Thank you, Leon.
Let us proceed to our first class.
- Wait, he dresses like that
and he's eager to get to class?
How is Gage considered
the nerd in this movie?
- [Tom Servo] I gotta decompress
by looking at the wall of shapes.
Ah!
- So, pal, I'm ready,
where's cheerleader practice?
- [Robots] Ew.
- What are you doing here?
(school bell ringing)
- I miss your face, pal.
- No, what are you doing here at school?
- I'm here at school because
we got a long list of things
that's gotta be done,
and that's my problem.
I take it that those are the guys
that you're having trouble with?
- Yeah, Ashton and Leon.
- I don't think I like
the way they talk to you.
You know what they say.
The bigger they are, the harder they fall.
- No, the bigger they
are, the harder you fall.
- Hey, let's not quibble over details.
Besides, I rely totally on cunning,
ruthlessness, and sheer animal instinct.
- [Crow] Like James Caan.
- What do you mean?
- Listen, pal, anyone who's
been to a lingerie sale
at JC Penney knows exactly
what I mean, but I digress.
- [Jonah] You sure do.
- Take care of your math grades, bye.
- But..
- Wait, tell me more
about the JC Penney stuff, oh...
- [Crow] Ooh, angora.
Did Ed Wood direct this part?
(phone ringing)
- [Tom Servo] Does that
sign say "Miss Laurel"
or "Missy Annie?"
- "Miss Laurel."
- [Tom Servo] Oh boy, she
just turned my floppy disk
into a hard drive, ah-cha-cha.
- [Crow] I just died of dysentery.
- Oh Miss Laurel.
May I see you in my
office a moment, please?
- I'll be right there, Mr. Thornton.
- [Tom Servo] Let me just
change into an even more
inappropriate outfit for
an elementary school.
- Ah, look at this, hey.
They've come a long way
since I invented Univac.
- You called me, Mr. Thorton?
- [Crow] No, he called you "Miss Laurel."
- No, but it's always
good to see you, Melanie.
(sultry music)
- [Tom Servo] My eyes are
up here, Principal Thornton,
director, gaffers, producer, audience.
- Here we go, let's see what
kind of grades this kid's got.
- [Tom Servo] He just spelled "jkfghfgl."
- C, B, D.
- Yeah, dude.
- I think we can do better than that.
Here we go.
All right, Abra Kadabra.
Thank you.
- [Miss Laurel] I could've
sworn you buzzed me.
- Hey.
What's going on here?
- [Principal] I always got a buzz on you.
- But Mr. Thornton, I
distinctly heard you call me.
- Mr. Thornton?
- Must be be so formal?
- [Tomorrow Servo] You must, you must.
- I should go back to my office.
- I can't tell you what it's
been like these past few weeks.
You sitting out there
every day and me so close,
and yet so far from paradise.
- [Tom Servo] Call me Rolex,
'cause I like to watch.
- [Jonah] Ronan Farrow?
- But I thought we
agreed we couldn't go on.
- I know, I know, we
both have our positions
in the community, but I don't care about
anyone or anything except you, Bunnycakes.
- Oh, that's not fair.
You know I can't resist
you when you call me
Bunnycakes, Snookypoo.
- [Jonah] Butter Biscuit.
- Still care, Lovey Lumps?
- [Miss Laurel] Ooh, Lemykins.
- [Crow] Here are your
reports on workplace ethics.
Wait a minute.
- Muffin.
(smooching over intercom)
- [Tom Servo] Aooga!
- [Jonah] Keep trying till you hit mouth.
- Angel Thighs!
- Class, I want you to
go over these problems
while I'm gone, and remember, no talking!
- [Tom Servo] Sure, just give us a second
to repress all this.
- [Miss Laurel] Pumpkin Nose!
(kids laughing and shouting)
- [Tom Servo] Munchie's
eroded the boundary
between civility and barbarism.
That guy.
- Gotta be Munchie.
- [Tom Servo] Trademark Munchie, LLC.
- [Crow] Hey, there's
a sock on the handle.
- [Tom Servo] This is what a
nine year old think sex is.
(Mrs. Blaylok clears throat)
♪ Fran Drescher ♪
- [Crow] Hairball!
- Mrs. Blaylok.
It is customary to knock
before entering my office.
I have certain rights
to privacy, you know.
- Well, none that you've been exercising.
- [Jonah] Snowden.
- I was just helping Miss
Laurel put in her contact lenses
- [Tom Servo] Into her bra, I mean...
- I hope you haven't
misconstrued this little scene.
- No, but I can't speak
for the entire school.
Your public address system is on
and you have been broadcasting
to every classroom.
- I did what?!
(dramatic music)
- Yeah, it was me!
(Tom Servo laughs)
- That can't be.
Every word we've said?
- [Jonah] No, just the Jarons.
- Right, Snookypoo.
- [Tom Servo] I'll see
you both at home, okay?
- [Crow] I'm the principal now.
(robots groan)
- [Jonah] Every time.
- So long, Snookypoo.
- [Tom Servo] His nose has a spine in it.
- [Jonah] If he just took
a shower, why isn't he wet?
- [Crow] Gages quit drying, like a shamwa.
- [Jonah] No whammies, no
whammies, no whammies, dah!
- Don't you ever wash these out?
- I wasn't expecting visitors in there.
- Well, I took care of your grades
and that stuffed shirt Thornton.
- [Tom Servo] And dressed
like a Russian gangster.
- Now the fun really starts.
- Look, I know you're trying to help,
but if anything is wrong, I'm
the one who gets in trouble.
- Relax, pal.
Everything is copacetic.
Just be cool time.
Uh-oh, for me to make
like Gabriel and blow.
- [Tom Servo] Always
leave 'em with a reference
to the end times.
- [Jonah] Damn bunions.
- [Crow] Are you John Conner?
- [Tom Servo] Aww, Munchie
left a huge mess down here.
♪ When a Dobson comes
along, you must whip it ♪
- [Crow] My tuckus!
- What'd you do that for?
- 'Cause I wanted to.
What's a two ya, Dobson?
- Well...
- That's right, nothing.
- [Tom Servo] Mull it out.
- [Munchie] I didn't
think you did anything
without asking your boyfriend first.
- Shut up!
- We ever put a label on it!
- Just shut up.
You think I'm Ashton's
flunky or something?
- The idea never crossed my mind.
- Well, make sure it doesn't.
I don't want to hear
another word from you,
understand, dweeb?
- [Crow] Wait here while
I ask Ashton what to do.
- [Munchie] Stooge.
- What was that?
- [Jonah] Mosquito.
- Nothing, I didn't say anything.
- Farku
- Kiss ass.
- [Jonah] Mosquito.
- Why, you little...
- [Crow] World star.
- You hit me!
You little twerp, you hit me!
- I never touched you, I swear.
- [Jonah] Roadhouse neck rip!
- You are gonna be sorry
you were ever born.
- Geronimo.
(water splashing)
- [Tom Servo] Dobson, and
you broke my collar bones,
my face is ruined!
(Gage chuckling)
- [Crow] This is like a Kidz Bop version
of "Eastern Promises."
- [Tom Servo] Ha ha, he's not moving!
- Okay, kid.
I've evened up the odds.
The ball's in your court.
- [Jonah] Finish him.
- I am gonna kill you.
- [Crow] Once I deal with
this brain hemorrhage.
(tense music)
- [Jonah] I feel like I'm
getting athlete's foot
watching this scene.
- [Tom Servo] Now he's between
a jock and a hard place.
(Jonah and Crow groan)
What?
- [Crow] Save the bad jokes for Munchie.
The claw, the claw!
(Gage grunts)
- [Tom Servo] Violence is the answer.
- [Jonah] Wasn't football
gonna do that anyway?
I mean...
(Crow gurgling)
- [Tom Servo] You just got en-Gaged.
Oh wait, no, that's not it.
Something Gage.
(kids cheering)
- [Jonah] Gage's understudies.
- Gage, we gotta talk!
- [Crow] You're guilty
of manslaughter, bud.
- Look, we both know that
Daggett's been asking for this
for a long time, but you know the rules,
no fighting in the locker room, right?
- [Tom Servo] Hello, cleavage.
- All right.
Now I'm not gonna write you up this time,
but if Principal Thornton
gets ahold of this
you know it's gonna be bad news.
- So what else is new?
- All right, go get changed for class.
I'll write you up a hall pass.
- [Tom Servo] And put on your good towel.
- Hey, Gage.
Why don't you try out for
the football team on Monday?
- I don't like football.
- [Crow] You could become
everything you hate.
- Looks like our star player is gonna be
out of commission for a while.
- [Tom Servo] My life
is full with Munchie.
- [Jonah] Irish Spring for ruffians.
The first soap pH balanced for bullies.
(doors whirring and banging)
- See Jonah, you're becoming desensitized
to Munchie already.
You'll be fine.
- Until tonight, when he
pops up in your dreams!
- Well, actually, I did find a way
to make Munchie less scary.
I dug up the bootleg
tapes of Dom DeLuise's
Munchie sessions.
I'm kind of an audiophile.
- Really?
I would've never known.
- Well, Dom riffed and
improvised for hundreds of hours,
and they only used the best stuff,
because this style of
comedy, it takes time.
Check it out.
- [Dom] My father, there was a guy,
he had a dinosaur he had paper trained,
and a sabretooth tiger he had on a leash,
and oh, what else?
Oh, my father, he had a pterodactyl
he would fly like a kite.
- Huh.
- [Dom] And his stegosaurus?
Forget about it.
He married one.
He married two.
He was a bigamist, my father.
- Wow.
He really is just throwing
spaghetti at the wall.
- Yeah, no, it gets upsetting.
The producer tries to
step in, but you know,
once it leaves the station,
you can't stop the Dom train.
Listen.
- [Dom] You think some snot-nosed kid
been in the business two
weeksis gonna tell me
how to riff about dinosaurs?
- [Man On Tape] Dom, please calm down.
- Dom!
- He hits me all the time!
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Dom has a real temper.
- Yeah, blind rage was his process,
but here's the wild part.
He leaves on his lapel
mic, gets in his car,
and just takes off, and they
recorded the whole thing.
Here, here, check it out.
- [Dom] Out of the way, jerkface.
(horn honking)
I got Don Bluth's number on speed dial.
(tires squealing)
I'm untouchable!
(car banging)
Oh god, Dom, you hit him!
You hit another one!
(siren wailing)
Time to cannonball one-two outta here!
(tires squealing)
- Wait, wait.
Did Dom DeLuise just run over someone?
- Yeah, a couple of times, if
you listen to the whole tape,
it's pretty messed up, but
I've listened to all of them.
I'm kind of a completist.
- Really, I would've never known.
- Somehow, a Forester
world conquering plan
is actually succeeding for once,
so stay out there and don't screw it up.
- All right, well, no promises,
but we'll do our best.
- You mean you'll do your best, right?
- No.
Go.
- You too, Grandma.
Hey, get back to work.
- Well actually, Kinga,
I was hoping we could
get a few moments together,
just the two of us.
- Of course, Grandma,
it's much easier to talk
when I'm inside and you're out there
in the icy coldness of space.
- True that.
You know, we never really did normal
grandma-granddaughter activities, did we?
- We sabotaged that nuclear
plant when I was seven.
- Sure, that was a big trend.
But I was thinking about
something more current,
like scrapbooking.
- Ugh.
You mean crap booking?
- That's hilarious, but no.
I've been feeling my own mortality lately
and I just need a little
tenderness and affection
as I enter my twilight years.
- Okay, look, I hate going all
"Cat's in the Cradle" on you,
but you were too busy for me
and now I'm too busy for you.
It's the circle of neglect
and it moves all of us.
Now get going.
I'm not interested in scrapbooking.
Sounds stupid.
- You will be.
- That sounded ominous.
- So in this next section,
Dom deLuise does some karaoke.
- When does that happen?
- Right after he ran
over the guy, you know,
I think he was trying to
take his mind off of things,
but you gotta hear his "Rocket Man."
- You know, I'd love to
talk more about Munchie.
- Yeah.
- Munch-head all the way.
But we've got intermission sign, so...
- All right.
- Yeah.
- Okay, next time.
Hey, have either of you guys seen Growler
or M Waverly lately?
- Who?
- Okay.
Says here you have no previous experience,
no history of wrongdoing,
but since we don't have
a lot of boneheads around
here to fix up the place,
I guess you get the job by default.
- Congratulations.
- What size vest do you wear?
- I wear a women's size eight.
- I wear doll's clothes.
- Wonderful.
Well, Max will get you all set up.
- Yes, if you'll just walk right that way
you will get fitted for your helmets.
They're not gonna make it.
- No way.
- Oh.
- Weird.
- Yeah.
(alarm blaring)
- Oh, we got movie sign!
(doors whirring and banging)
(accordion music)
- [Tom Servo] Judy
Danuda, the early years.
- [Jonah] You know, not a
lot of people saw this gig,
but everyone who did started a band.
- [Crow] She might be giants.
- [Tom Servo] What's
stage manager mean again?
I'll just fiddle with these.
- [Munchie] Salutations,
my lord. (chuckling)
(Tom Servo groans)
- [Tom Servo] I was
hoping he wasn't gonna be
back in the movie when
he came in the theater.
- Maintain your composure, dear boy.
Fear not.
I have no intention of
turning this cultural event
into a brouhaha.
In point of fact, I am here to witness
a performance of my play.
- Your play?
"Romeo and Juliet" was
written by Shakespeare.
- A common misconception.
According to an unimpeachable
source, namely myself,
Billy Shakespeare could not compose
a shopping list without my help.
- [Tom Servo] It's Billiam Shakespeare.
- Just don't get into any trouble, okay?
- Fear not, my lord.
I hereby swear to conduct myself
with a maximum of decorum.
- [Crow] Still not convinced
Munchie isn't pure evil.
♪ My balogna ♪
- [Jonah] Thank you.
(kids clapping and booing)
- [Crow] Weird gal.
- For another memorable accordion solo.
- [Kid] Hey Snookypoo!
How's Bunnycakes!
(kids laughing)
- All right, a little less noise there.
- Hey, was that us?
- Yeah.
- And now, to conclude today's
assembly, a special treat.
- [Tom Servo] Funions?
- The balcony scene
from "Romeo and Juliet,"
performed by two of our
most promising students,
Ashton Hewitt and Andrea Kurtz.
The curtain, please.
♪ It's time to play the music. ♪
♪ It's time to light the lights ♪
♪ It's time to the curtain
on the Munchie Show tonight ♪
- [Jonah] Word.
- But soft, what light
through yonder window breaks?
(glass breaking)
- [Jonah] Literally, we get it.
- [Crow] This is why
we do tech rehearsals!
- And you shall get.
- I had to invite my William Morris agent.
- It is the East, and Juliet is the sun.
Arise, fair sun, and
kill the envious moon.
(glass breaking)
(Jonah humming "Phantom of the Opera")
- [Crow] No eating in
the voiceover booth, Dom.
- See how she leans her
cheek upon her hand.
Oh, that I was a glove upon that hand.
- [Jonah] Comedy.
- [Tom Servo] Compound fracture.
(kids laughing)
Cruelty is cool.
But soft, what douche
from yonder ficus limps?
- [Jonah] Use it, Ashton,
acting is reacting.
- Oh, Romeo, Romeo.
Wherefore art thou Romeo?
- With love's light wings
did I o'erpurse these walls,
for stony limits cannot hold love out.
- [Crow] Did Munchie steal his kneecaps?
- Ipso facto pantso offo.
(kids laughing)
- [Tom Servo] When I saw John
Gilgood in "Romeo and Juliet"
at the old Vic, he went full Monty.
- [Jonah] Whoa.
My uppance, it's come!
- [Crow] This Juliet part
is very underwritten.
- Close the curtain, close the curtain!
- But the scene isn't over yet.
- I'll decide when it's over.
Close the curtain!
- [Tom Servo] Thanks, we're
doing a talk-back in the lobby.
(kids laughing)
- Get those kids to the dressing room.
- [Tom Servo] Thank God
Guffman didn't show.
- Well, yesterday was bad, but today
was a real red letter day for you, Dobson.
- [Crow] Red letter, yellow letter.
- I don't know how you did it,
but you managed to change your grades,
beat up Leon Daggitt,
and arrange that little
incident in my office.
And when I can prove your
responsibility in these matters,
it'll be my personal pleasure to have you
expelled from school permanently.
- [Tom Servo] As opposed to
being expelled partially.
(solemn music)
- Well, pal, do I take care
of ya or do I take care of ya?
- [Tom Servo] Where'd the banana go?
- You took care of things, all right.
Thanks to you, I'm gonna
get expelled from school.
Look, I know you're trying to help.
But you're just making things worse.
- [Crow] Like Sammy Hagar.
- But I haven't helped you with
your mother's creepy boyfriend.
And what about the
lovely (whistles) Andrea?
- [Tom Servo] Ew.
- Well, you can help
me by leaving me alone.
If I'm gonna foul up, I'd
rather do it by myself.
Why don't you go back to your box
and find yourself a new friend.
- [Tom Servo] It's called show
business, not show friends.
- [Munchie] Where'd everybody go?
Hey, pal.
Pal!
- [Crow] That summer, Gage Dobson
committed his first murder,
launching a train of terror
that continues to this day.
♪ Whatcha gonna do with all that munch ♪
♪ All that munch inside your trunk ♪
♪ I'm gonna get, get, get, get you crunk ♪
♪ Get you crunk off all my munch ♪
- [Tom Servo] Is that a
paint-by-number sarcophagus?
- [Crow] What is this
guy a professor of again?
Nuclear physics, Egyptology,
and a TGI Friday's
interior design?
- [Tom Servo] I know
there were other songs
before the theme from
Munchie, I know there were,
I just can't remember any.
- [Jonah] Oh, you'll remember them. Tom.
- Who is it?
- [Gage] It's Gage.
- Gage, my friend.
Come on in.
- [Jonah] Ah, thanks for letting
me crash here, Cruikshank.
I said some stuff I couldn't take back
and she kicked me out,
but hey, no big deal.
Bachelor weekend, am I right?
I'm actually better without
her, right Cruikshank?
- You should have been in here.
- I was hoping you could tell me.
Something I found.
- Where did you find this?
- Pottery Barn.
- Incredible.
- You mean it's valuable?
- It's not only valuable.
It is invaluable.
- [Jonah] Wary wary inwaluable.
- Was there something in here?
- I know you're not gonna believe this,
but there was this
little creature in there.
- [Tom Servo] The prophecy is true!
- Don't move.
You stay right there.
Don't move, don't breathe.
Don't breathe and don't move.
Just stay right there.
Don't do anything at all.
Don't do anything here, here, here, here.
- [Tom Servo] Is he talk
about the movie or...
- Something?
- It's The Secret.
It'll change your life.
- Did it look like this?
♪ Munch like an Egyptian ♪
- That's him!
- And this?
- Oh god.
(Crow chuckling)
- That too.
- How about this?
- [Crow] A tasteful nude.
- Is he that old?
- He's older than that.
Do you know what you've found?
- I just wanna get rid of
him before my entire life
goes down the drain.
- You talked with him?
- Yeah.
He keeps calling me "pal."
- Pal.
- [Tom Servo] So he's single.
- Could you introduce him to me?
- I don't know.
I told him to get lost,
but I have a feeling
I haven't seen the last of him.
- Well, do the best you can.
In the meantime, can I keep the box here
so I can study these symbols?
- Sure.
I mean, it's his box,
and if he wants it back,
I'll send him over to get it.
- Yes, yes, that would be
fine, that would be fine.
- [Tom Servo] And they
laughed me out of university!
- I have about two or
three million questions
I could ask him.
- [Crow] Oh, with a run like that,
Gage has to try out for the football team.
- [Jonah] Mm-hmm.
- [Tom Servo] I love trash!
- [Jonah] Can't wait to
go back to being bullied,
on my own terms this time.
- Hey, sometimes you gotta help people
in spite of themselves.
- [Tom Servo] Munchie 3:16.
- Why is she dressed like an
elementary school secretary?
Hey Mom, looks like you're
making a real dinner.
- Well, I have actually been known
to cook on occasion, you know.
- Yeah, when Dad was here.
- Let it go, Gage.
(doorbell rings)
- Oh, honey, I think that's Elliot.
Would you get that?
I'm gonna baste the chicken.
- [Crow] Set decoration by Cracker Barrel.
- Hey, guy.
Make that football team yet?
- No, but I decked the star quarterback.
- Great.
Hey, listen, Gage.
I've got a little favorite to ask you.
- Want me to get lost, right?
- [Tom Servo] The new novel by Judy Bloom.
- Well, I wouldn't put
it exactly like that,
but I would like to be
alone with your mother
for a little while.
I have something very important
I want to discuss with her.
- [Tom Servo] Amway.
- Don't I have anything to say about it?
- Look, Gage.
I'm gonna be your new father,
whether you like it or not.
Now you can either be on my
team or you can be my opponent.
The choice is yours.
- [Crow] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
- No, the choice is my mom's.
- Hi.
- [Tom Servo] Diddly doo.
- Well, dinner will be
ready in 20 minutes.
I'm glad to see you two
getting along so well.
- Well, Gage and I are just
having a little male bonding.
- [Jonah] Ah, lice check, oh.
- Champagne?
- 85 bucks a bottle, babe.
And worth every penny of it.
- [Jonah] Aw, shanked.
- Mom, I'm not really that hungry.
I'm gonna go upstairs
and finish some homework.
- Well, are you feeling okay, honey?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
I'll eat later.
- It'll be cold.
- It's okay.
Kind of getting used to it that way.
- [Jonah] I guess he's not
loving the new raw food diet.
- [Tom Servo] I'll be up in
my room basting the chicken.
- Sometimes I worry about him.
- Oh, he'll be just fine.
What he needs is a man's influence.
- [Crow] You know any?
- His father wasn't much of
a father, but Gage loved him.
- Now that's all in the past.
You should be more
concerned about the future.
And what I'm looking
forward to is that meal
you've been promising me
for the past two weeks.
- I hope you enjoy it.
I only do this sort of thing
about once every leap year.
Think I better go in the
kitchen and see how it's going.
- [Jonah] And add the arsenic.
- In meantime, I'll just stay out here
and set the proper ambiance.
- [Tom Servo] She's
heard smoother operators
through that antique telephone.
(Jonah gasps)
- Stand by for Operation Dinner Storm.
- [Crow] The slide
whistle of imminent doom.
- With a tweeter, with a tweety.
- What's he doing?
- Hmm?
♪ Tiny bubbles ♪
(light jazz music)
(marching music)
- [Robots] Remix!
(Crow singing)
(light jazz music)
- [Crow] You're listening
to KHLD, royalty free music
for your cheap movie.
- [Tom Servo] Oh my god.
Munchie invented the escape room.
- Oh, gotta be Munchie.
(marching music)
(light jazz music)
Buckle up, kids, 'cause I think the scene
goes on for another seven minutes.
(marching music)
- [Crow] Behold, hijinks.
- I didn't know you liked Sousa marches.
- I don't.
Well, there must be something
wrong with your tuner.
I'll just turn it off.
- Not the only thing that's
gonna get turned off tonight.
- [Tom Servo] Hmm, scrumptious wordplay.
- Dinner'll be ready in 10 minutes.
- Excellent.
That gives us just
enough time for a toast.
- I suppose it does.
Is there anything special
we're celebrating?
- Well, this is an anniversary of sorts.
It was exactly two
months ago that you came
to the university.
- Has it been that long?
- Yes it has.
- [Jonah] And I already flunked out.
- I'll never forget
seeing you that first day.
You were so beautiful.
You could have knocked me off my feet.
(Tom Servo shouts)
- Seating for one?
- [Tom Servo] Your pain pleases me.
- Yes, I'm just fine.
The chair must have slipped.
- Or demons.
- Well.
Besides, champagne is always
best when opened standing,
I always say.
- He always says that?
- That a saying?
- I've never heard it.
- Yeah.
- Oh yes, that...
Well, although we haven't
known each other that long,
I feel a special bond
has grown between us,
and more importantly, we
respect each other's dignity.
- [Tom Servo] Oh, I'm sorry,
this ever happens to me!
- [Jonah] Classic.
It's so funny, Anderson.
- I'm hardly even damp.
- What a great sport this guy is.
The drinks are on him.
- He puts the Dom in Dom Perignon.
- Looks like we have at least enough left
for one glass each.
- [Tom Servo] Two if
we wring out my jacket.
- Should we have some, then?
- Absolutely.
- Upsy...
- [Jonah] Just get...
- Daisy.
- [Jonah] I lost my champagne
flutes in the divorce.
Will these do?
They're dessert cups.
(Munchie humming)
- [Crow] So he has to be
physically present for this prank,
but the others he does from the credenza?
I'm starting to think this
movie might not make sense.
- Well, before we toast.
- We should bread.
- I have something I'd like to say to you.
Actually, something to ask you.
- [Tom Servo] Remember,
Cathy, you are human woman.
- This is the most important thing
I've ever asked anyone in my life.
- [Crow] Can you get me out of this movie?
- And that thing is,
well, that thing is...
- [Tom Servo] Incoming joke, six o'clock.
(Elliott shouting)
- [Jonah] Ah yes, the
traditional proposal dance
of the North American douche tribe.
- I heard some noises.
Is everything right?
- No, everything is not all
right, you smart-aleck punk!
Everything is all wrong.
- Elliot!
- [Crow] He's not smart.
- That innocent little face fool you.
He's been out to sabotage
this entire evening.
- That's ridiculous.
He's been up in his
room the whole evening.
- I'm telling you he is responsible.
Now, I don't know how,
but if he were my kid,
I'd take him outside-
- Elliot.
- [Tom Servo] I'm not gonna
take him outside and shoot him.
- Now Gage, Elliott's just
a little off tonight, honey.
Why don't you go up to your
room and I'll see you later.
- [Jonah] Not if I see you later first.
- [Crow] And another
Papa Roach fan is born.
- Well, I'm sorry, Cathy.
I overreacted just a bit.
I should never have yelled at the boy.
- No, that's my department.
- [Tom Servo] Yelling and acquisitions.
- Look, Cathy, things
seem to have gotten off
on the wrong foot.
- [Jonah] Ha!
- So why don't we save
your meal for another time
and let me take you out for a nice dinner?
- We'll go Dutch.
- I don't know.
- Gage has been acting
so strangely lately.
I don't wanna leave him alone.
- All children always
have these mood swings.
It's part of growing up.
- [Tom Servo] I saw them bluffing.
- Besides, you deserve
at least one night off
from being a parent.
- [Tom Servo] Parenting,
the sometimes job.
- All right.
Gage, honey?
- Yeah, Mom?
- Just chilling on the landing, huh?
- Elliot and I have decided
to go out to dinner.
Is that okay?
- Sure.
- Okay, I'll lock up and we'll
only be gone a few hours.
I'll get my jacket.
- And my mace.
- What could happen in a few hours?
- [Jonah] At least a dozen hijinks
and half a shenanigan, but who's counting?
- I'm sorry, Cathy.
- [Tom Servo] Filmed in
voyeuristic neighbor vision.
- Oh, thank you.
- I know this great little Italian place.
You're gonna love it.
- Wonderful.
♪ Somewhere out there ♪
- [Jonah] I hate to belabor the point,
but I still wish I was dead.
- They're gone.
You can come out now.
- [Crow] In the name of the
ninth house, I summon the.
- Of course I'm here.
Where else should I be?
- [Tom Servo] Branson, Catskills,
cruise ship, I don't know.
- So I took care of Mr. GQ for you.
- Yeah, he got him good all right.
But I'm the one who got the blame.
- Did you see his face?
She'll never marry that schnook now.
- [Tom Servo] Schnook?
- I guess you're right.
But you just go too far.
- Gage, you should never ask for anything
unless you really want it.
- I know.
- [Crow] Is that what the puppet team said
to the concept artist for this movie?
- I know what you need,a party.
You're down in the dumps, right?
A party.
- A party, here?
- In this economy?
- No way.
- And Andrea is the first
one to get an invite.
- Forget it.
Look, I'm gonna go upstairs to study.
You can watch TV if you want.
- I'm going back to the kitchen.
Later, alligator.
- No parties.
Do you hear me?
- [Jonah] No, I don't speak Munchie,
but methinks there's gonna be a party.
- I hear him.
But I'm just not listening.
- [Crow] Dom, can we get another take?
- [Jonah] He's fine, let's go.
- Kinga, Dr. Saint Vibes is
entering our local space.
Did you know about this?
- Oh, yeah.
It's an insurance thing.
I've got to have Jonah
interviewed by a doctor
or Blue Cross isn't gonna touch us.
- But she only works on
oversized, horrible creatures.
- Yeah.
- Oh!
Bird! (laughing)
Woo!
- Oh, good day, fellas!
It's me, Dr. Donna Saint Vibes.
Kinga asked me to swing
by to check your vitals
and see if everything with bits and bobs
are all up to snuff.
- Oh, Hey, Dr. Saint Vibes.
This is perfect timing as
you're the perfect person
to ask this, but we gotta
know, what's a Munchie?
Is it like a demigod?
- Is he a science experiment
gone horribly wrong?
- Is he some sort if meat
coagulate like spam or manwich?
- Yeah.
- Really?, those are all
very terrible guesses,
but that's all right, let me just
walk you through the ins and outs
of this fascinating
creature's evolutionary tree.
Munchie's earliest ancestors
are these little fellows,
the gremlins, a wholly
original movie monster
packed with personality and charm.
- Aww, Munchie has his ears!
- Yeah, but thankfully, not his confidence
about showing off his naked body.
- Well, get a couple
drinks in him, and well,
anyway, unfortunately, genetic mutation
introduced DNA corruptions
that led the gremlins
to give birth to ghoulies.
- Ugh, I wouldn't want that
popping outta my toilet.
- Though, to be fair, they
did make it through college.
- And most of them even
graduated monster cum laude.
From there, the evolutionary tree
continued to produce ever
more rotten monster fruit.
Ghoulies spawned critters,
which spawned trolls,
which spawned the goblins
that were in "Troll 2"
even though they were
not trolls, but goblins,
which spawned hobgoblins,
and then the genetic record
gets a little hard to read, but eventually
it leads to leprechauns.
- Yeah, okay, but what about Munchie?
- Oh, we think that's what happens
when a Teddy Ruxpin is badly burned
in a rocket fire explosion.
In fact, we've got one on board.
- What?!
- I was able to clone one this morning
from a tick trapped in amber.
He's already on the bottle.
- Huh, wow.
Sure is cute, right guys?
- Yeah.
- Super cute.
Does he talk?
- Oh.
Oh, I'm afraid so, but I have
him heavily sedated right now.
Oh, no, shh, no no no.
♪ Hell my baby, hello my honey ♪
♪ Hello my ragtime ♪
- Oh, we got movie sign!
(alarm blaring)
(doors whirring and banging)
(phone buttons beeping)
- [Tom Servo] Lonely Munchies in your area
are waiting to talk to you.
- Hello, is this Andrea Kurtz?
Hi, this is Gage Dobson.
(Jonah buzzing)
- That's great...
(Jonah buzzing)
6934 Madison.
Sure, you can bring your father.
Okay, bye-bye.
- Hello, Saul's Catering.
This is Elliot Carlisle.
- With tiny mustache.
- Yeah, good to talk to you again.
Listen, Saul, I'm having a party tonight
over at Cathy Dobson's place.
Could you fix me up with
the works on short notice?
About 50, 60 people.
Need my credit card number?
Good, you have it on file.
And listen, Saul, shoot the works.
Price is no object.
- [Tom Servo] Okay, so
Munchie can sound like anyone
and he chooses to sound like Dom DeLuise?
I'll tell ya.
- This is Jack.
How's it going?
Look, I'm out promoting my latest picture,
and I wanna have a little party.
You think you could airlift
some girls in for me?
- [Crow] With parachutes this time, okay?
- Sure, why not?
Thanks, pal, I owe you one.
Let me give you the address.
- [Crow] What do you guys
think the address is,
666 Hell Street, Satan's
Butthole, California?
- Hey, it's called San Bernardino.
(upbeat music)
- [Jonah] Contemporary
rock and roll at this hour?
(upbeat music)
- [Jonah] Those
troublemakers at Alpha House
have really done it this time!
- [Crow] This looks like
Party City employees
decided to throw a rager after work.
- [Tom Servo] Nice, every
white person in town showed up!
- [Jonah] So this is what
it's like to be popular?
And to think, all I had
to do was beat the crap
out of one of my peers.
- Yo, pal!
Hey, welcome to the party.
All right, what's your pleasure?
- My mother is gonna kill me.
- Relax, pal, she won't be home for hours.
- [Jonah] Pal!
- Clean up.
(doorbell rings)
Hey, do me a favor, will ya?
Answer the door, I'm busy here.
You know, getting the drinks and all.
What a party, what a party.
- [Crow] I'm gonna find someone
to help me do a keg stand.
- Gage Dobson.
What are you doing here?
- I live here.
- Huh.
You folks sure know how
to throw a great party.
Oh, you can forget about those
20 extra hours of study hall.
- And the two demerits,
whatever those are.
- [Jonah] Who throws a party and invites
your school principal?
- [Tom Servo] Gotta be Munchie.
- Hi Gage.
This is my father.
- Hell, Mr. Kurtz.
- Well, hi Gage.
How you doing?
- [Jonah] Oh, Free Mason too, I see.
- This is something.
I've never been to a party like this.
- [Crow] That's nice, dear.
Now let me introduce you to Timothy Leary.
- Neither have I.
- [Jonah] While Gage
was uptown with Munchie,
Cathy was downtown getting drunky.
(Jonah humming)
- So, Cathy.
What do you say?
- [Tom Servo] Chocolate,
chocolate, chocolate, ack!
- Elliott, you and I
are such good friends.
Why don't we just keep
it like that for a while?
I don't think I'm ready to make
a serious commitment right now.
- Well, I don't think you
know what you want, Cathy.
- [Crow] Gaslighting.
- Do you think I'm in the habit
of proposing marriage every day?
- No, Elliott, I didn't say that.
- Hey, look, time is running out, babe.
I have power and prestige.
And 30-something divorcees with children
are a glut on today's market.
- [Tom Servo] Well, when you put it
in market terms, I guess.
- [Cathy] That you said just about enough.
I'd like you to take me home now.
- [Crow] Waiter, cancel
the celebratory tiramisu.
- Si, senor.
- I'll get this.
- Nonsense.
When I take a lady out, I always pay.
- [Jonah] Emotionally.
- [Jonah] Oh, Mr. Vitelli's gonna chase
so many pizzas over this!
- [Crow] Who's first on
the call sheet now, bitch.
- My wallet, I...
I must have left it in my other jacket.
(paper rustling)
- [Jonah] Here, I'll pay
with these crunchy leaves.
- Senorita.
- [Tom Servo] Another lie,
my web of deceit grows.
(upbeat music)
- [Man] One great party!
- [Crow] You think Gage's party is great?
There's a five year old down
the street with an opium den!
- Excuse me.
- [Tom Servo] So I says
to the doc, I says,
"but Doc, I am Pogliozi!"
- [Jonah] Sorry, I thought
this was Harry Potter's room.
Sorry.
- [Munchie] I'm nervous.
- [Crow] Now I'm off to find the Batman.
- [Tom Servo] Go, go, go!
I lit the fuse stick under
the house, it's about to blow!
- [Jonah] Swing set,
middle school second base.
- This is better.
- Yeah, it's pretty crowded in there.
Your dad seems like nice guy.
- This is the happiest
I've seen him since-
- [Crow] The war.
- Since Mom died.
- Oh, come on, Munchie.
- You know, I'm really glad
you asked us over tonight.
I did?
Oh, yeah, I did.
Who else could have?
(both talking at once)
- Gage, Gage!
- [Tom Servo] Gage, they found me!
I don't know how they found
me, but they found me!
- I have something to tell you.
Gage, I wanted you to
be the first to know,
the university called, I
have received my grant!
- That's great, professor.
This is Andrea.
- Oh, enchante.
- Professor Cruikshank is
going around the world.
- Sounds like fun.
- Fun.
That is a beautiful word.
- [Crow] Oh, here comes a song.
- Am going to have fun.
I think I remember how to do that.
- The professor's a little...
- Drunk?
- I see you're having a hoo-ha in there.
- [Jonah] His Pacino is terrible.
- You could call it that.
- I wonder if I could attend.
- Sure.
Everyone else is.
- [Crow] Two drink minimum, though.
- Listen, is it possible
that your little friend-
- [Jonah] Could you do me
a favor and tell everyone
I'm your uncle, say I'm from
Jamaica, yeah, that's it.
- [Tom Servo] Michael Mann's "Munchie."
- Look at all these cars.
- Pretty nice.
- Someone must be having a party.
- [Jonah] It's pronounced hoo-ha.
- Think it's you.
(upbeat music)
♪ Incessant pattern
and meaningless nouns ♪
- [Tom Servo] I meant what I said
about divorced moms, Cathy.
Please reconsider my offer.
- Great party, but don't
go in the bathroom.
- [Crow] I am protected!
(upbeat music)
- Gage!
- Garfield!
- Dennis!
- Malcolm!
- Alvin!
(tense music)
- Hi Mom.
I had some friends over.
- Everybody out.
(comical music)
- [Jonah] Mein Trumpet.
♪ Life is unfair ♪
- [Crow] President in 1945.
- November, good month.
You know, maybe you could get a loan
from the Small Business Administration
to clean this place up.
- [Tom Servo] Ha, you
just got Cruikshanked.
- Congratulations, Gage.
- Congratulations?
- Mm-hmm.
You have the singular honor of cleaning up
this entire mess all by yourself.
I think that'll take care
of your weekend, young man.
- Yeah, it probably will.
- [Crow] Ah, but that's fair!
- [Jonah] And action.
Action, Elliot, action!
Action!
(mischievous music)
(Munchie snoring)
- [Tom Servo] Someone
get the adrenaline shot!
- What in the hell is that?!
- No!
- [Crow] I think you mean
who in the hell is that?
- [Elliott] Right there.
- [GPC] Praise heaven, we're
eating Munchie tonight!
- My friend!
- Your friend?
Be most interested to know
where you find your friends.
Incredible specimen I've ever seen.
I'm going to take it to the
laboratory for research!
- To cut open like all your dogs and cats?
No way.
- Can't we be civilized, Dr. Carlisle?
This is an intelligent being.
It's not a subject for vivisection.
- [Gpc] Gesundheit.
- [Munchie] I'd listen
to him if I was you, Doc!
- Be quiet.
- You give whatever it is back to Gage.
- Look, house is on fire!
- [Crow] They're in the house.
Jeez.
- [Tom Servo] Still worked.
Ah, Miller Lite!
It burns!
- [Jonah] It's comforting to
see Munchie in a body bag.
- [Crow] Yeah.
- [Munchie] Drop me one more
time I'm gonna toss my cookies.
- We gotta get him outta here!
- But how?
- [Crow] Maybe open the bag?
- Hope you know what you
are doing, 'cause I don't.
- [Tom Servo] Who run the world?
- Come back here!
- [Jonah] Well, his
relationship with Cathy
was pretty much done anyway.
Might as well vivisect a dog monster thing
and call it a day.
(tense music)
(engine revving)
(tires squealing)
♪ Munch ♪
♪ Crunch ♪
♪ Knock him down then go have brunch ♪
♪ Dom De Luise ♪
- [Crow] Okay, Chrysler
LaBaron, don't fail me now.
- "Grand Theft Auto: Munch City."
- It's okay, Mrs. Dobson.
We can follow in my car.
- Great.
By the way, who are you?
- He's my father.
- Oh, good.
That explains everything.
- And who are you?
- I'm your son's crush.
- And who am I?
- You're Gage's mom.
(engine revving)
(tires squealing)
- [Tom Servo] Wow, this
thing handles like a pizza.
- So how's our prize package doing?
- He should be okay.
(robots shout)
- Greetings, professor.
Any calls for me while I was out?
- [Jonah] Never get used to it.
- Somebody know you're with us?
- [Tom Servo] I love a
sensible sedan chase.
- I don't need these to drive.
Wait, yes I do.
I do!
- Where are we going?
- Nowhere in particular.
- Just cruising.
- Have you ever been there?
- [Crow] Witness me!
- [Jonah] Harry Potter's falling down.
- Professor, I hope you got a Ding-Dong
or a Twinkie in your pocket.
- What's a Twinkie?
- Hey-o!
- Drop me off at the
next Seven-11, will ya?
- No time now, Elliott's
coming up behind us.
- [Crow] We munch, we die, we munch again.
- I can lose that guy.
Give me the wheel, professor.
- What are you talking about?
You have to have a license.
- Who needs a license?
I invented the automobile.
Give it, give it.
- [Tom Servo] Whoa,
that's not the gear shift!
- [Jonah] Man, when Elliot
wants to dissect something,
he really goes balls to the wall.
- No, something hit us, it's Elliott.
- That guy's a pain in the bumper.
- Elliot went from jerk
to attempted murderer
in less than a minute.
- One more hit like that and
he'll knock us off the road!
- We can't stop now.
- [Tom Servo] Come on, Munchie, didn't you
invent the Tokyo drift?
- Wait, what happened, are we looping?
- Professor, I don't suppose this thing
has got a fifth gear, does it?
- [Jonah] I wish this movie
was gone in 60 seconds.
- Fly away
- Fly away, why didn't you say so?
Professor, I thought you were
the brains of the outfit.
- [Crow] You could have
done this the whole time?
What are Munchie's rules?
- [Tom Servo] Once this baby
goes to 88 miles per hour,
we're going to see some serious fun!
- Jimmy Smiths is Ned
Flanders in "Drive Angry.
♪ Highway to the Munchie zone ♪
- [Jonah] Munchie
(indistinct) can't breathe.
- [Tom Servo] I understand now, Munchie,
you are the way of the light!
(tires squealing)
(Elliott shouting)
- [Crow] America runs on Dunkin,
but crashes on Winchell's.
- [Jonah] All right, show's over.
This pointless chase
scene's gone on long enough.
(Tom Servo babbling)
- You gotta stop them!
There's this flying Jeep and this
wonderfully weird little creature.
- [Crow] Ooh, someone's
got a crush on Munchie.
- Oh, but they're up there.
You had to have seen them!
- Oh, sure we saw them.
They were chasing Santa
and eight flying reindeer.
- [Tom Servo] Really?!
- Drinking?
The guy smells like a brewery.
- Some little girl sprayed
beer in my face, you ninny!
- Was she with a creature
in the flying tank?
Not a tank, you idiot,
a Jeep, a flying Jeep!
- May we see some sort
of identification, sir?
- Of course!
- Maybe my friend Benjamin Franklin
could be my identification, hmm?
- I lost my wallet.
I am Dr. Elliott Carlisle,
department head of research
at Jefferson University.
- I'm Mr. Spock.
This is Captain Kirk.
I think it's time we beamed him up.
- By the way, we do improv.
You should see us sometime.
- Wait, I'm telling you
they're right up there!
- [Tom Servo] Seriously,
Munchie, starting to black out.
(Munchie humming)
♪ Munchie in the sky with diamonds ♪
♪ Bam, bow ♪
- [Tom Servo] Wow, infrastructure.
- Wow.
- [Jonah] Infrastructure.
Hey, I think I see the
lost boys from here!
- The only way to fly.
- How long can we stay up here?
- Not too long.
It's a strain on my resources.
- Financially?
- Enjoy it while we can.
- Excuse me.
How are you at landings?
- Professor, I fly as well as I drive.
- Help!
Help!
- Shamblin Entertainment.
- [Tom Servo] We're
giving you two demerits,
whatever those are.
- Wait, wait a minute!
I know that woman.
- That's Mrs. Burt Reynolds!
- Cathy?
Cathy, tell them who I am!
- [Crow] Well at least
tell them who I'm not!
- Cathy, tell them who I am!
- Officers, I've never seen
this man before in my life.
- [Tom Servo] Game, set, munch.
- Cathy, don't let them take me!
(Andrea giggling)
- [Tom Servo] I haven't laughed
like that since Mom died.
- Cathy!
Was it something I said?
- In the car, sir.
- [Crow] I'll buckle your car seat
and then give you your snack cup,
but you gotta calm down, sir.
- [Tom Servo] Oh, I'm
glad they didn't show
the exciting landing sequence.
(horn honking)
- Everything all right, Officer?
- Nah, no, Professor Cruikshank.
We got a drunken looney here.
Couple of months at a state prison farm
oughta straighten him out.
- Well, don't get any
jelly from the donuts
on the front from your uniform.
- [Tom Servo] Maybe workshop
that one, Cruikshanks.
- See you.
- Nice guy, the professor,
but a little strange.
- [Dispatch] One Adam 10, one Adam 10.
- [Crow] One outta 10?
Are they already reviewing the movie?
(robots chuckling)
- See the man.
- Yoo-hoo, remember me?
What's up, Doc?
- Look there he is!
That's him!
That's him, I told you!
Look, I'm not a lunatic, I'm a doctor!
- Hasta la vista, baby!
- [Tom Servo] Oh, how
many more catch phrases
is this guy gonna steal?
- [Jonah] This is your captain.
You know, it's such a nice day,
I thought we'd drive to Cleveland.
- [Crow] Would the owner of a lost plot
please report the American Airlines gate?
- Exciting.
An opportunity to explore
ancient civilizations
with someone who might have created them.
- [Tom Servo] And probably destroyed them.
- Yeah, I guess it's all for the best.
When Elliott gets out of jail,
he's gonna come looking for Munchie.
He'll be safe with you.
- [Tom Servo] Don't worry, pal.
Munchie's got friends on the inside.
- I'm really gonna miss you.
- And I'm gonna miss
you too, pal, big times.
But the professor needs me.
Don't worry.
You haven't seen the last of me.
- [Robots] No, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Professor, tempus fugit, we
don't wanna miss our flight.
- All right, put your head
down so I don't knock you.
- So they're a blended family now?
- Tickets and we are going.
Munchie, are you comfortable down there?
- [Munchie] Wake up call for six.
- Munchie, do me a favor, don't talk,
there are people around.
- [Tom Servo] He couldn't
have asked for that sooner?
- [Jonah] I love you, Munchie.
- [Woman On Loudspeaker] 17
leaving for the Lost City...
(Tom Servo giggles)
Now boarding at gate 12.
- [Jonah] This is a real ticket.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
- [Professor] Be nice.
- So are Gage and Andrea
brother and sister now?
Weird.
- [Man] We've gotta get on board.
- [Gate Agent] I'm sorry,
sir, but the aircraft
has already begun its
taxi down the runway.
- That's impossible.
I'm the captain, this is my crew.
We were held up in a stalled elevator.
- I don't understand.
If you're the crew, then
who's at the controls
of that plane?
♪ Hopeful hijacking music ♪
- [Crow] All according to
Munchie's diabolical plan.
- [Tom Servo] So what's the sequel,
Cruikshank and Munchie go
flying around the globe
solving mysteries of the ancient world?
- [Jonah] No, no, I think it's them flying
to Cabo San Lucas and starting
that bar and restaurant
they were always talking about.
TGI Munchie's.
- [Crow] I like to think
they think they crashed
into the Andes and then they had to
feast on Munchie to survive.
- [Munchie] And get ready
for the ride of your life!
Party time!
- [Jonah] Cathy was sentenced
to 12 years in prison
for fraudulent catering charges
on Elliott's missing credit card.
- [Crow] Elliott died on the prison farm
and was vivisected by the other inmates.
No charges have been filed.
- [Tom Servo] Professor Cruikshank
was arrested for hijacking
and held indefinitely
at Guantanamo Bay.
He does not expect a trial.
- [Jonah] Hold on, main
character but fourth billed?
Ouch.
- [Crow] Love Hewitt, and that's an order.
- [Tom Servo] I still don't think
anybody learned any fractions.
- [Jonah] Gorsh!
- [Crow] Ace Mask, private eye.
- [Tom Servo] Well, guess
I'm off to "Death Stalker 2!"
- [Jonah] I was in the pool!
- [Crow] Last known photo.
- [Tom Servo] I'm glad
he's in this so now I know
what "Phantasm" would be
like as a family film.
- [Jonah] Or?
- [Tom Servo] Dom DeLuisee
was tried in the Hague
for crimes against humanity
in connection with this film.
- [Crow] Thank you,
Munchie, for everything.
- [Jonah] What are you
thanking Munchie for?
(doors whirring and banging)
- You know, even though all
the science in that movie
checks out-
- It does?
- I still don't buy Munchie being around
for all of human history.
- Yeah, they really expect us to believe
an eternal creature would dress like Fonzi
and talk like a cut-rate Robin Williams?
- I don't think they're
really expecting us
to believe that, guys, it's a movie.
- Tut-tut, Jonah.
Not just a movie, a documentary movie.
- No, I don't think so, Tom.
It's just a regular-
- Yeah, didn't I see DA
Pennybaker's name on the credit?
- You almost certainly didn't, okay?
- Where you think Munchie is now?
- Nowhere, he's nowhere, he's not real.
He's made up, for the movie.
- He's real.
And he's immortal, and
he's my dearest friend.
- [Emily] Hey Jonah,
how'd your experiment go?
- Oh, not great.
I think it fried my bots'
comprehension circuits.
- The most amazing part about Munchie
is him having the same hairdo
for thousands of years.
- Not real.
- Hey, classics never go outta style.
- Okay, I'm rebooting the both of you.
Anyway, how's life on
the Simulator of Love.
- Oh, fine, thanks.
- Hey, quit hogging the view screen.
We wanna talk to Jonah's bots.
- Yeah.
I want all the hot goss from the S-O-L.
- We met at baby Munchie!
- Yeah, it was disgusting.
Emily, after the next bad movie you see-
- We must discuss what our plan shall be.
- To find our way home, we two Earthers.
- To the planet where they
make original Worthers.
- Hey.
Hey, are you two speaking in rhymes?
You know we can't hear rhymes.
- It's a genetic quirk of bad guys.
Our hearing is non-rhyming based.
- It's like how Tyrannosauruses
can only see things that move, and where
the Tyrannosaurus is and
rhyming is like standing still
for our eyes, which in this
analogy stands for our ears.
- Yeah, well, I think we've explained
our most vulnerable
weakness pretty clearly.
- Yeah, so don't take advantage of it.
Push the button, Max.
- I will, so relax.
- What did you say?
Was that a rhyme?
- I don't...
No, I couldn't hear it either.
- Gotta be Munchie.