Mystery Science Theater 3000 (2017–2022): Season 3, Episode 3 - Beyond Atlantis - full transcript
- Wow, the Simulator of Love.
Is that ever cool?
- Of course it is.
- So it's just like Jonah's?
- Yeah.
It's got it's own Tom, Crow, and GPC.
Let's see how it's going.
- And all the rubber baby buggy bumpe
made it safely back to shore.
- Oh, hey, welcome to
the Simulator of Love.
Watching these bad movies really rais
the old tension levels, so we
decided to give ASMR a try.
- But the internet up here is terribl
so we have to make it ourselves.
- Oh, I think it's working!
I'm feeling relaxed already.
- Yeah, oh yeah.
- Hey, guys, what you doing?
ASMR?
(Tom and Crow yelling)
- Good, all right, Ms. Kinga.
Your Gizmonics Simulator of
Love is installed and running.
It's got umbilicus too,
so it can go aloft.
- So then why are you still here?
- Well, I need you to
sign this work order.
- Right, right.
All in good time.
We'll take care of it.
- Can't believe I'm really
on the dark side of the moon.
- Well, matter of fact, it's all dark
- Anyway, my name's Emily Connor
and I work at the Gizmonic Institute
and nobody really knows that I'm here
Think about that every
morning as I get up to
do my little pore over, and you know,
who would do this if I
wasn't here, you know?
- Wow, you're a talker.
You do realize we're mad scientists,
not mad therapists, right?
- Sorry, I just can't wait to see
what you've got planned
for the new simulator.
How're you gonna find a
poor dope to pop in there?
- Oh, we've got some ideas.
Max?
(ship humming)
- Hey, wait a minute, that's
my only way out of here.
- Looks like you missed your ride, de
- Oh, poopy.
- [Narrator] Here we go.
(upbeat theme music)
♪ In the not too distant future ♪
♪ Next Sunday afternoon ♪
♪ The evil Kinga Forrester ♪
♪ Ran her empire from the moon ♪
♪ Her latest plan was the Gizmoplex ♪
♪ A twisted scheme based on stolen sp
♪ Now she's pulling the strings
from the old moon base ♪
♪ And she's back to her experiments ♪
♪ With prisoners out in space ♪
♪ I'll send them cheesy movies ♪
♪ The worst motion picture wrecks ♪
♪ La la la ♪
♪ They'll have to sit and watch them
♪ And we'll stream them at the Gizmop
♪ La la la ♪
♪ Now keep in mind they can't control
♪ Where the movies begin or end ♪
♪ La la la ♪
♪ They'll have to keep their sanity ♪
♪ With the help of their robot friend
♪ Robot Roll Call ♪
♪ Cambot ♪
- And action.
♪ GPC ♪
- Which one?
♪ Tom Servo ♪
- That's me.
♪ Crooooow ♪
- Oh, brother.
♪ If you're wondering how
they eat and breathe ♪
♪ And other science facts ♪
♪ La la la ♪
♪ Then repeat to yourself,
it's just a show ♪
♪ I should really just relax ♪
♪ For Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♪
- Can't believe I'm really
here in the Simulator of Love
simulating I'm on the Satellite of Lo
- Ugh, youthful enthusiasm.
- Crow, please.
- Wow, you simulator bots
have already absorbed
the behavior of Jonah's
bots within seconds.
- And your point?
- That's not gonna be problematic.
- I'll tell you what's problematic.
Your soul's gonna get
crushed within seconds.
- Yeah, I'm used to it, I'm on Twitte
- Ah, looks like Derek
and Clive are calling.
This place needs a jolt of naive ener
- Ugh, we have so much to teach you.
Push the button.
- Oh, right.
- Enough with the orientation
session, fresh fish.
- Yeah, life moves
pretty fast around here.
You don't stop and look
around once in a while,
you could miss it.
I'm sorry, Kinga, I somehow
started Ferris Bueller-ing.
- It's time for the invention exchang
Brushing our teeth.
We all do it, right?
Gross.
Well, most of us do it.
But how many of us take the
same care of our plants?
Now you got no excuse.
- Presenting "Plantsodyne,"
the first ever toothpaste for plants.
We also considered
calling it "Arm & Planter"
and "Plant's of Maine."
- It's easy.
All you do is brush your plant's teet
like you would your own.
Observe.
- Okay, I think I saw this in
Better Homes and Cronenbergs.
- Go ahead, Max, brush those teeth.
- Oh God, they're moving,
the teeth are moving!
- So brush them, brush them!
Ugh, smells minty fresh!
- It's not natural!
We've tampered in God's dentist's cha
- I like it.
Now, my invention.
- It's your first day
and you already have an invention rea
- Well, yeah.
I was on one of the design teams
that worked on this simulator
and this is one of my contributions.
(button beeps)
- Whoa.
- Ooh.
- Mech Hands.
All the power of a fighting mech,
all the grace of a hand model.
- Ooh.
Oh, it's like Galactus is
hanging out at our house.
- They can hold things, jazz
hands, everything hands do.
- Thumbs up?
- Yeah, that is something hands do.
And I'll do you one better.
Check it out.
Double thumbs up.
- Whoa!
Now it's like the Iron
Giant thinks we're cool.
- Wow.
- Thanks, Mech Hands.
That's plenty.
Oh.
A little bit goes a long way.
(mechanical whirring)
- Thank you.
What do you think, sirs?
- How do your Mech Hands feel
about nightmarish plants?
- I did not tell you to stop brushing
Today's experiment is the best
"criminals looking for pearls
find a kingdom of fish people" movie
starring John Wayne's son
that was ever made in the Philippines
That's right, it's terrible.
Nothing can prepare you
for "Beyond Atlantis!"
Flush them the movie!
(Max screams)
- I wonder what Emily smells like.
- Oh, maybe later, buddy.
Movie in the hole.
(liquid flushing)
♪ She's got the whole show ♪
♪ In her Mech Hands ♪
♪ She's got the whole ♪
- What's happening?
Are we gonna die?
- No, no, no, that's movie sign.
- Oh, right!
- Press the button!
- Okay!
- Newbie, this way!
(all yelling)
(mechanical whirring)
(somber music)
- [Emily] Hey, had a necklace
like that in the nineties.
- [Crow] Hey, nice.
- [Tom] Can't we get beyond Atlantis?
- [Crow] It's like a
viking funeral in reverse.
- [Emily] And also
starring John Mary-Kate.
- [Tom] Should I keep
the meter running or?
- [Crow] I haven't thought of Lenore
since that bleak December.
- [Emily] Well, you know they
had seat belts on that boat.
- [Tom] I told you they'd
have their own sand.
Why did you bring that big bag?
- [Crow] The island of Dr. Matt Groen
- [Tom] My friend Ja Rule told me
the Fyre Fest would be here.
- [Crow] I don't know,
man, you go talk to her.
♪ Her name is Rio and she's
standing by the sand ♪
(music continues)
- [Emily] It's always
hard dropping your kid off
at college the first time.
- [Crow] Tag, you're it.
- [Emily] Oh my God, what?
- [Tom] My currency is tiny pelts.
- [Crow] The best boat captains
have middle school dance energy.
- [Tom] 'Kay, I'm just gonna
chain this boat to a fence
so nobody takes it.
- [Emily] Okay, I don't care.
- [Crow] Somehow that boat is
triggering my arachnophobia.
- [Tom] Hey, hey, miss?
You can't come here,
it's a protected beach.
Guys, tell her it's a protected beach
- [Crow] Miss, there are turtles hatc
right next to where you're standing.
Miss, do not move.
- Store the supplies.
- [Emily] A please would be nice.
- [Crow] Let me slip into
something more confusing.
- [Tom] Yeah, first thing
I do when I get home
is take my pants off too, so I get it
(dramatic music)
- [Crow] Ow, ow, ow, ooh, pointy, ow,
- [Tom] Why is the
check-in desk always so far
from the front lobby?
- [Crow] You just know
this is one of those places
that has the quote, resort fee, unquo
- [Emily] Yeah, but they do
have the free breakfasts.
- [Tom] Not Margaret Keane's best wor
- [Crow] Heh, heh, check
out small-eyes here.
- [Emily] How does she even see?
- [Crow] Four score and seven seas ag
- Welcome, my daughter.
We have captured this intruder
who has trespassed on our island.
According to the laws of
our people, he must die.
(suspenseful music)
- [Emily] Yeet!
(man yells)
- [Crow] Hume Cronyn, no!
- [Tom] Ah, nice to see you too, Dad.
My trip was fine, thanks for asking.
(eerie music)
- [Emily] Beyond Atlantis,
there is Hot-lantis.
- [Crow] Some questionable
choices for a tourism video.
- [Emily] And they said,
"Pretend to have a conversation
until the scene starts," and I
said that would look stilted,
and they said that it
wouldn't, so here I am, ha, ha.
- [Tom] Who loves you, babies?
- [Crow] Two marijuanas, please.
- [Emily] Ugh, early Venmo was sweaty
(Tom and Crow chuckle)
- The other side.
- [Tom] Ooh, withdrawing from
checking and savings today.
(cars honking)
- [Emily] He's tough, but fair.
- You been sitting on it.
Now you don't make a dime sitting on
You go pop for papa.
- [Emily] Yeah, go be saddy for daddy
(rhythmic bass playing)
- [Tom] Soundtrack by Les
Claypool's first bass lesson.
- [Emily] Michael, row your boat asho
- [Crow] Hallelujah.
- [Tom] I like this guy.
He's like the Hank Hill
of the Philippines.
(music continues)
- [Emily] "Weekend at
Bernie's 3: Havana Nights."
(country music)
- Semor Quintero, please.
- Over there.
- [Tom] This music makes me feel like
I just won a consolation prize.
- [Crow] Hola, mis
amigos, I tell you what.
- I am looking for Semor Quintero.
- What do you want him for?
- [Emily] Friendship?
- Business.
- What?
- Little business.
- [Tom] Now you're too loud.
- Well, then you better lay it on me
because I just taken over
all of Quintero action.
You might say we had a merger
and I liquidated his assets.
He's dead.
- [Crow] Oh, ha, ha, I'm an accessory
- I want to sell this.
- [Emily] So you would
think your quarter's
at the top of napkin, but
it's disappeared, ta-da!
- [Crow] So when are these
turtle eggs supposed to hatch?
- [Tom] He hasn't even
finished his Ring Pop yet.
- [East Eddie] 500 pesos.
Take it or leave it.
- [Crow] You know you're a big deal
when you have a human wallet.
- [Tom] Music by Herb Alpert
and the Manilla Brass.
- Thank you.
- [Emily] You feel it, too?
- You from around here?
- No.
My village is Murigao,
near Murigao states.
- [Crow] Sure, near Tampa.
- That's where you found the pearls?
- No, I bought them from a stranger.
He is an islander from the south.
- [Emily] So the Keys?
- What's the name of the island?
- [Tom] Reginald.
- I do not know.
I must go now.
- Sure.
Friend.
- [Crow] They're starting
karaoke in a few minutes.
We need a tenor to really
do justice to "Bye Bye Bye."
You in?
- It's for having an honest face.
- Thank you, semor.
- [Tom] I paid good money for this fa
- If I find more pearls,
I come back to you.
- Sure.
You just ask anybody on the
waterfront for East Eddie,
they'll tell you where to find me.
- What does East mean?
- [Emily] It's where the
sun is angry in the morning.
- See, what's your name?
- Manuel.
- [Crow] North Manuel.
- See, Manuel, I'm a businessman
and I got a lot of action.
There's another dude that operates
in the west half of the waterfront.
And he has the distinction
of being called West Eddie.
- [Emily] Two Eddies, what are the od
- You're the boss of the waterfront.
- [Tom] I'm more of a mentor.
- Not yet, my friend.
Soon the twain will meet.
- [Crow] Kipling, you see.
- East is east, west is west.
Until old Eddie gets the rest.
- [Emily] Yeah, you like poetry?
I sent that one to "The New Yorker."
- [Tom] Okay, I didn't
wanna know any of that, bye.
- Sit down.
- [Crow] We haven't ordered dessert y
- [Tom] All the animals were harmed
in the making of this film.
- [Emily] I'm here to pick
up my chicken from daycare.
Anyone know where the
parent pickup lot is?
- [Crow] Sticks out like a
sore thumb sporting a goatee.
(crowd yelling)
- [Tom] This is the strangest
production of Les Miz
I've ever seen.
- [Emily] Mike Brady's lost weekend.
- [Crow] It turns out you
could save money on a script
by not miking any of the actors, huh.
- [Tom] I would look
stellar in that shirt.
- What's wrong, Logan?
- Hey, listen, Eddie.
I had a little run of bad luck today,
I mean, nothing I won't be
able to throw in a week or so.
I got the money coming over
from the states, you know,
but I just need a little
something to tide me over.
- [Emily] Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, slow down.
Slow down.
- The money's really on the way.
I really need it, man.
Got a little pressing business.
(East Eddie laughing)
- I saw your pressing business, didn'
- What do you say, Eddie, huh?
- Aw, man, I'm uptight.
I can't think when I'm like that.
Now I'm gonna go to Tillie Tingle Fin
and we can talk there.
- Hey, can't we talk here?
You know, I-
- Nah.
- [Crow] Did his own mouth
just give up on the dialogue?
- Hey, man, listen.
- [All] Don't pan down, don't
pan down, don't pan down!
- [Logan] We really
ought to stick together.
- Don't give me that.
- [Emily] Purple nurple!
- You owe me, man.
You owe me a lot.
- [Tom] Eight bucks!
- The only reason you aren't
floating in the bay now
is 'cause I like you.
- [Crow] Shouldn't she use a vacuum?
- 'Cause I like you, I'm
gonna help you help yourself.
- Oh, lower, lower.
- [Emily] Ugh, so his belly button, o
(all yelling)
- Oh.
Tillie, you're the golden fingers.
(East Eddie laughs)
- [Tom] Good game.
- Your hands are a gold mine!
- [Crow] I demand you give them to me
in the name of the King!
- [Emily] Oh, she can
finally clean that fan.
- [Tom] Oh.
- Feast your eyes on this.
- [Tom] Anything to
take our eyes off that.
- That's a Tuscarora.
- [Crow] No, that's a pearl.
- It's worth 1,000 pesos,
maybe more, where'd you get it?
- [Emily] From a wet, scared guy.
- Can you fence it?
- Fence, hell, it'll go like wildfire
These are rare, I haven't
seen one in years.
- [East Eddie] There's a lot
more where that came from.
- [Tom] I got a guy shoving
sand into oysters as we speak.
- I'll supply, you deal,
we'll split down the middle.
- [Crow] Splitting it?
That's almost like half!
- Put 'er there, pard!
- [Emily] You got it, 'ner!
- [Tom] Alas, poor Yorick.
He was so smooth.
- Beautiful.
Really beautiful.
- [Tillie] Come on.
- [Crow] Time for him to
massage her, aw, that's nice.
- You know, with enough of
these, we'd be fixed for life.
- [Emily] Oh, you don't need fixing.
You're fine just the way you are.
- You got any idea where these came f
- Sort of.
- [Tom] Eddie, that's the bidet.
- You know if a man could find
the source of these babies,
he'd be in milk and honey forever.
- [Crow] Eddie's in milk
and honey right now.
- Eddie, you've got money and I'm a d
Now all we need's a boat
and some good equipment.
You can pick 'em up for a song.
Just give me a small advance,
I can have us moving in a couple of d
- [Emily] Is she washing
him with a chicken cutlet?
- I know where you're coming from,
and the idea's outta sight,
but I want Vic Matthias in on this.
(Tom grunts)
- He's an expert diver,
he has his own boat,
and he knows the islands
like the back of his hand.
- It's no good, it won't work.
If we bring him in, we've got
to make it a three-way scene.
- So we'll split it three ways.
- [Emily] Ugh, but we're a
dynamic duo, not a terrific trio!
- No.
We don't need him.
- I want him!
To keep us honest.
- [Crow] What are we, crooks?
- Eddie, believe me, I know the
region better than Matthias.
I lived in the islands for five years
I covered every inch of them.
We can do it alone.
Just tell me where you found them.
It's probably an island I used to liv
(East Eddie laughing)
- [Tom] You can't live on an island!
It's surrounded by water!
How would you even get there?
(Tom laughing)
- You don't really expect
me to tell you that, do you?
(East Eddie laughing)
You'll know when the time is right.
- [Emily] Here I sit, broken-hearted.
- [Crow] This place has all
the excitement of a casino
and all the wholesome values
of a family Italian restaurant.
- After nine is the betting time, gen
- [Tom] I'd like to buy a vowel.
- [Emily] Tensions mount at
the high-stakes Go Fish table.
- [Tom] She's wearing a wine chalice!
- [Crow] So I'm to reach
in and grab the ball
in order to win?
♪ It's not unusual ♪
- Little more, please?
- Oh, no, thank you.
- Hi, Bob.
- Sir.
As usual?
- Yeah.
- Make it Chivas Regal Royal
Salute for Mr. Mathias.
- Yes, sir.
- [Crow] Chivas?
Well, tighten my perm.
- What's the pitch?
- [Emily] It's called "Dino-Riders."
- Between fellow Americans.
- [Tom] Wait a minute, how
am I sitting across from me?
- [Crow] Oh, it's fine, I
didn't want any dialogue anyway.
- [Emily] I thought we agreed
to wear fun shirts today.
- I got a little proposition for ya.
- Oh, really?
- [Tom] It's called "boba tea."
- [Mathias] You're
coming in a lot clearer.
- Now, about that proposition.
- [Crow] I take your Spanish final
and you take my math final.
- You know, I've always heard
you could find these pearls
in the outer islands.
When I was a frog man, I knew
a lot of divers who tried,
but they all failed.
- [Emily] Tadpoles.
- Well for one sixth of the take,
you can be the diver that finds them.
See, I know where they are.
Naturally I came to you because,
well, you're a fellow American.
- Oh, sure.
- [Tom] Throw that in my face.
- Deal?
- [Crow] I don't know,
I got to ask my wife,
and I promised the kids I'd take them
to Busch Gardens this weekend.
- Okay, I'll throw in my boat, gear,
and first mate for a sixth.
- You got it.
- Beautiful.
A sixth for them in a sixth
for me, that makes a third.
- [Emily] Math!
- No, now hold it.
That's not the deal I
offered, I won't go for that.
- I'll be on my boat.
And since you know where I hang out
and the kind of booze I like to drink
I guess you know where I'm moored.
I'll be there when you're ready to go
♪ Well you can tell by
the way I use my walk ♪
♪ I'm a frog man, no time to hop ♪
- [Crow] Hey, he didn't drink his pea
(patrons talking indistinctly)
- [Emily] Gentlemen, the
game is 1313 Dead End Drive.
- Hit me.
That's my number.
- [Tom] Damn, these cards
are against humanity.
- Don't go away, folks.
Keep your seats.
I'll be back shortly and show
you how to break this place.
- [Crow] But first, I'm gonna
go break their bathroom.
- Well, hello.
- I've been waiting for
a chance to talk to you.
- I'm all yours.
- [Emily] 'Kay, bye.
- Not here.
Privately.
- Well, we can go to my place.
- [Tom] You like park benches?
- Mine.
9:30 in the morning.
- In the morning?
- Mm-hm.
- [Patron] It's a raid!
(patrons yelling)
- [Crow] It's delayed Beatlemania!
- [Emily] Cheese it, it's the fuzz!
- [Tom] The five-oh!
- [Crow] The bobbies!
- [Emily] The plods!
- [Tom] The peelers!
- [Crow] The constabulary!
- [Emily] Careful, that's
a load bearing door!
- Stay where you are!
- Don't anybody move!
- [Tom] You didn't say "Simon Says."
- [Crow] I'm a dealer, I
go down with the table.
(patrons yelling)
- [Emily] I don't like park rangers
because park rangers don't like me.
- [Tom] Thanks for saving me
from paying a small fine, mister!
- Don't forget, 9:30!
- [Logan] Right, I'll be there!
- [Crow] This was a great
first date, ha, ha, ha!
(mechanical clanging)
- Man, Logan and East Eddie are so co
Their hair, their lack of hair.
- Now how did we get that
machismo, that charisma?
That mastery of fractions.
- I have to assume East
Eddie was born with it.
Just came out of the womb,
bearded and throwing punches.
But that doesn't mean you can't learn
With "East Eddie's SAT
Prep: 70s Dirtbag Edition."
- Ah, out of sight.
Hit me with a sample, Jack.
- Cambot, can you throw
this up on the Jetscreen?
Ooh, all right.
Here you go.
East Eddie has five pearls
at 1,000 pesos apiece.
He's traveling southwest
to meet West Eddie,
who is traveling North northeast
with three pearls at 500 pesos apiece
If East Eddie kills West Eddie,
how does he divvy the take
to give Logan and Mathias their sixth
- How fast are they
traveling and at what speed?
- Logan has taken all the speed.
- Oh, wait, and I got this.
East Eddie pulls a fast
one and gets everything.
- Dah, kid, you're a natural.
- Do we need to show our work?
- This is the Dirtbag Edition.
Never show your work.
Never show nothing to nobody.
No paper trail.
- Oh ho, solid.
- Heh, heh.
Oh, try the reading comprehension
section on for size.
- All right.
- Complete the stanza with
the correct rhyme scheme
to best intimidate a small, wet man.
East is east, west is west.
A: sweaty money from her breast.
B: purple shirts is how I dress.
C: massages help me when I'm stressed
- D, all of the above!
- Correct!
- But it's pronounced "dah."
- I knew that.
Crow, you should have let me answer.
- Dah!
- Hey, all right, here's one for you.
- Okay.
- All right, ooh, okay.
Last night, Logan got rolled
ringside at a cockfight.
He lost two of his three shirt
buttons, a gold pinky ring,
and the phone number of a
one-armed fence from Manila.
Should this sentence use a
comma, semicolon, or colon?
- Ooh, ooh, ooh!
It proceeds a list, so semicolon.
- No.
The correct answer is "What
am I, a college professor?
Get lost."
- I should've known that one!
I'll never be a 70s dirtbag.
- Oh, now, now.
Well, keep in mind that the foundatio
of dirtbag standardized
testing are problematic
and that they don't actually
evaluate a full range of-
(all yelling)
We got movie sign!
- We got movie sign!
(all yelling)
(mechanical whirring)
- [Emily] Brian Eno's
music for big empty plazas.
♪ Gonna fly now ♪
- Ahem.
- [Crow] Wake up!
- Is there a Kathy Vernon around here
- Doctor Katherine Vernon?
- [Crow] The card just says "homeopat
- She left a message for you.
She's waiting for you in the Gallery
of Primitive Pacific Arts.
Up the stairs, to the left.
- [Tom] Ugh, more stairs?
- Up the stairs to the left?
- [Emily] All right, fine.
♪ Here I come to beige the day ♪
- Well, well, so the good
doctor cruises at night.
- Sometimes it's well worth it.
- Can you leave now?
- And where are you
going to whisk me off to?
- [Tom] Hopefully a place
with a better sound crew.
- My place.
- And what would we do there?
- We'd explore each other's minds.
- In the spirit of detached
scientific curiosity, of course?
- Not exactly, but you
can look at it like that
if that's what it takes to turn you o
- [Emily] Huh?
(all imitating street sounds)
- [Emily] Hey, I'm walking here!
(Crow screeches)
(all imitating explosions)
- [Crow] Okay, cut, we got it, moving
- Look at this mask, Mr. Logan.
The eyes are Tuscarora pearls.
- [Tom] And as you can see,
the crown is elbow macaroni.
- [Kathy] This tribe may
be from the same area.
- [Emily] That's Majora's Mask!
- You want in.
- I'm only interested in
trying to locate a lost tribe.
- [Crow] Called "Quest."
- No dice.
- [Tom] The police just took them.
- Well, I guess I'll have to fumble a
and arrange my own expedition.
Talk to a lot of people,
ask a lot of questions.
- Suit yourself.
Maybe we can get together some other
- [Emily] No.
- That man you were talking to last n
his name's Mathias, isn't it?
- [Crow] He's a puritan!
- [Kathy] I suppose
you'll be using his boat?
- If I have to do something
about you, I will.
But I want you to know
my heart won't be in it.
- [Tom] It was replaced by a baboon's
- Mr. Logan.
- [Emily] He prefers "Wolverine."
- I want to make a name for
myself in my profession.
I don't expect it to come easy.
But I don't want any of your pearls.
- [Crow] I'm more of a chunky
turquoise girl, myself.
(eerie music)
- [Tom] How many boats is that one bo
- [Emily] Ugh, the wreck
of the Edmund Fitz-boring.
- [Crow] Thank God he's
wearing his seat belt.
- [Tom] It's the Scarlet Pimp-ernel!
- You boys have a nice swim?
- [Emily] Ah, just floating and peein
- [Crow] Ew, Mike Love's Beach Boys!
- Yeah, well, school's out.
Now let's get this show on the road.
- I've checked everybody
out who's gonna dive
except joy-boy here.
If he gets it in a sling-
- Then we split two ways.
- What about him?
- [Tom] He's a joy-man.
- You're paying him the sixth for.
He dives.
- [Kathy] Hello!
- [Emily] Oh good, the boat's
figurehead has arrived.
- [Crow] Hi.
- What the hell is this?
- Well, I told you guys to stop
bad mouthing and shove off.
- [Tom] And we told you
to watch your language.
- [East Eddie] You don't mean?
- Of all the dumb stunts,
telling a broad's like
blasting it over a loudspeaker.
- Yeah, well that's exactly
what she would've done
if I hadn't have brought her along.
She overheard us rapping about the pe
at the casino last night.
- [Emily] And now Suge
Knight wants to meet us.
- Look, she's a scientist.
(boat horn blares)
- [Crow] I think the horn
speaks for all of us.
- [Tom] I love his ocean camouflage.
- I wonder what kind of a scientist.
- [Emily] Hopefully not a
soft science like psychology.
- Let's get the hell outta here befor
the whole damn city boards us.
- [Crow] I know you're joking, sir,
but that would seriously
break our occupancy codes.
- [Tom] You may think I over-packed,
but I only brought a
Small Hadron Collider.
(upbeat music)
- [Emily] Oh no, they're
sailing the wrong direction
in a one way ocean!
- [Crow] Day 4: Morale is low.
Mathias lost the pieces to Sorry
and I've read all my magazine.
- [Tom] Oh, her shirt lists the
number of interesting scenes
in this movie so far.
- [Emily] May I ask her what
kind of scientist she is?
- [Crow] This boat is
three sheets to the wind.
- [Tom] Meanwhile, on Gary Busey isla
- We're looking for a guy
by the name of Manuel.
He's a fisherman in this village.
- Probably stoned.
(villager laughs)
- [Emily] That's how squares talk!
- This is the island of Murigao?
- Sí.
- [Crow] Duolingo is paying off!
- We are looking for a
fisherman by the name of Manuel.
- Many people here called Manuel.
- [Tom] There's East Manuel, West Man
- Yesterday.
- The Manuel we're looking
for was in the city yesterday.
- [Emily] Oh, Big-Time Manuel.
- Manuel the Barracuda.
(intense music)
- [Tom] You leave that sweet
man alone, you jackals!
(Tom panting)
- [Crow] Hey, lady you can't go back-
Ah, whatever.
- [Kathy] What do you think you're do
(music continues)
- [Emily] Really low AI
on the NPCs in this game.
- [Tom] "Rambo IV: Some Blood."
(Crow grunts)
- I'm speaking to him in a dialect
he can't refuse to understand.
- [Emily] Esperanto.
- The truth!
- [Crow] Is East Eddie the bad guy?
- And you talk to me in English.
- [Tom] That's why American tourists
are beloved the world over.
- A young woman comes to the village.
She trades pearls for supplies.
- [Emily] And Thin Mints for pesos.
(dramatic music)
- [Tom] They picked up a
hitchhiking string section.
- [Crow] Let's see, here be dragons,
Mordor, Rohan, Eriador, The Shire.
Wait, North Dakota?
- [Emily] The water reclamation
reservoir of the damned.
- [Tom] Hut, hut, hut!
- [Crow] And they said
you couldn't sneak into
Disney's Polynesian resort!
- [Emily] Ha, now do a silly one.
- No dock and no boats.
- If we got some time,
we can check a couple of those spots
- We ought to check out the people fi
- [Tom] See how horny they are.
- What's that for?
- [Crow] My fragile masculinity.
- Hey, come on, we're wasting time.
We got about an hour's
worth of light left.
If we get the gear out fast-
- [Emily] They only listen to
him a third of the time, too.
- [Tom] First Thanksgiving, woo!
- A mermaid sitting on a Greek centau
I wonder what it's doing here.
- [Crow] It's a statue, so not much.
- Where's the people?
- [Emily] They left in a hurry.
Didn't touch their charcuterie.
- Something's fishy.
- [Tom] The mermaid, I'm guessing?
- [Mate] Looks like
they split when we came.
- [Crow] Oh, did they split
them into sixths or thirds?
- Still warm.
- [Emily] The McDLT still works!
- Maybe they don't like
uninvited dinner guests.
- Yeah.
Maybe we better come back after break
and introduce ourselves.
- Probably out in the
bushes checking us out.
- [Tom] Oh, really?
Then let's give 'em a show, boys!
- [Crow] Okay, now stand still.
Perfect.
- This couple's got problems.
- [Emily] She's a Capricorn,
and he's made of stone.
- There's not much more
we can do here tonight.
Light'll be gone soon.
- I told you we were wasting time.
- I've got another twenty shots left.
- You could've fooled me.
- [Tom] Fine, 19, happy?
- I thought that thing froze up solid
- [Tom] What?
- [Emily] What?
- [Crow] Does it still count as haras
if no one understands it?
- [Emily] We've secretly
replaced these divers'
regular oxygen tanks with helium.
Let's see if they notice.
- [Tom] They both think they're the l
and the other is their
stunt double, it's cute.
(blaring keyboard music)
- [Crow] They do know
they don't have to hit
every key on the synth at once?
- [Emily] Ew, he's swimming
into Logan's bubbles.
- [Tom] Come on, I know a good dive b
- [Crow] Hello Muddah, hello Fadduh.
- [Emily] You think they got a spa?
I miss Tully Tinglefingers.
- Hey.
- [Tom] Did you change again?
- Better stay close.
- [Crow] I don't want to
lose touch this summer, okay?
- [Emily] He's wearing just half a ca
'cause he's a humble superhero.
- [Tom] Doc, you're in room 307.
Tom and Julio, you're 310.
I'm in the Rapunzel Suite.
Let's unpack and meet here
for brunch in 20 minutes.
- [Crow] Is that a badminton net?
Game on, Julio.
(eerie music)
- [Emily] I'm gonna find
that didgeridoo player
and snap his neck.
- [Tom] Two henchmen, one
bomber pilot and one preppy,
walk into a beach resort.
- [Crow] Go find me a Fresca.
- [Emily] They look like three guys
expecting a bachelor party
walked into a Zumba class.
(East Eddie yells)
- [Tom] Eddie? What is it, boy?
(East Eddie yells)
- Get 'em off me, get 'em off!
- Oh my God!
Do something!
Sanchez, grab his hand, get in there.
Hold onto his feet!
- [Crow] And grab some Old Bay!
- [Emily] Crabs? Why
did it have to be crabs?
- Now pull!
Pull!
Pull!
- [Tom] Now the other one!
Push!
Push!
- Now we've got to clean
and wrap his wounds.
Sanchez, get the first
aid kit in the rowboat.
Catch him!
- Let me go!
Damn crabs!
- [Crow] Sir, this is no way to start
the Crab 100 Meter Dash.
- [Emily] I killed them all.
Not just the crab men, but
the crab women and children.
- We were standing right here talking
before we went back to
the boat last night.
- [Tom] I thought the crabs were joki
I didn't think they'd actually do it.
(dramatic music)
- [Crow] Oh my God, look,
it's Ecco the Dolphin!
- [Tom] Are you sure the
Panda Express is this way?
- [Emily] It's the most
exotic of mermaids,
half human and half human.
(music continues)
- [Crow] So, come here often?
- [Emily] Okay, I call a moratorium
on the whole "bubble finger voice."
It's gonna be a really long movie, gu
- [Tom] Easter Island,
what have they done to you?
- What are you doing on my island?
- We're looking for Tuscarora pearls.
- [Crow] That old queen?
She moved.
- Did you learn of the pearls from Ma
- [Emily] Ooh, he's in trouble.
- You must be the broad he told us ab
- We don't want to cause any trouble.
We just want to get some pearls
and leave you and your
island when that's done.
- [Tom] We'll just swim out
for a pack of cigarettes
and never come back.
- What if you found nothing?
- [Crow] Well, we'd never know it.
- What if the only pearls you could f
already belonged to somebody else?
- [Emily] Like Liberace.
- [Logan] Well, there'd have to be mo
where they came from.
Nobody's gonna keep us from looking.
- [Tom] Yeah, the people
here are always looking.
That's kind of their whole thing.
- I will show you to the beds of pear
- [Logan] Are they near?
- [Crow] Oh my God, chill.
- Yes, quite near.
- [Mathias] Well, that's
very generous of you.
- [Emily] Now answer my riddles three
- How can you stay under
water so long without gear?
- [Tom] Well, my blowhole helps.
- [East Eddie] Hey!
- What happened?
- Some mother-grabber set a trap.
- [Crow] Whoa, language!
- Bunch of rotten crabs
tried to rip me off.
- That's just fate trying
to get back at you, Eddie.
- [Emily] They stuck their little
Japanese flags all over me!
- Well, old Eddie got the last bite,
and it's crab stew tonight, baby.
- [Tom] I guarantee!
- I must apologize.
We of Atouri know of the
storage pits of every hut.
- Artouri?
- It's a means of storing seafood
until we're ready to eat it.
- [Crow] Couldn't that just be the se
- That storage pit
wasn't there last night.
- [Emily] Silence, non-blonde.
- You are mistaken.
- [Tom] I guess even
mermaids can be mean girls.
- [Crow] Marco!
- [Emily] Polo!
- [Tom] Hey, I'm Marco!
- [Emily] I'm a Polo!
- [Crow] Where's Marco?
- [Tom] I'm right here!
- [Emily] My flight or fight
response is to stand and wait.
(eerie electronic music)
- [Crow] They're surrounded by Zeppel
Houses of the Holy.
- Let me welcome you
on behalf of my people
to our island of Artouri.
- [Tom] We've been here for 2,600 yea
- [Emily] Oh God, they're
about to break into
a musical number about how
things are done in this town.
- [Tom] Ooh.
- I am Nereus, elder of this island.
- [Crow] But I try to be cool about i
- This is my daughter, Syrene.
- [Tom] East or West Syrene?
- We invite you to move
into the guest huts.
- [Emily] Next to Kato Kaelin.
- Enjoy the fruits of Artouri.
- [Crow] But you'll have to
get them before Pac-Man does.
(relaxed music)
- [Tom] Come on in, this is
our pool and also our toilet.
- [Emily] You thinking what I'm think
- [Crow] Probably, we're the same guy
- How do we know we can trust her?
- [Tom] She's hot.
You can trust all hot
people, of which I am one.
- We don't.
- [Emily] So set your harpoon to stun
- [Crow] Remember me as boring!
- [Tom] Last one in is a pinchy crab!
Oh, sorry, Eddie.
- [Emily] I wish I could swim.
(eerie electronic music)
- [Crow] This way, just
follow the ominous music.
- [Tom] Sounds like these guys
are about to fight King Boo.
(music continues)
- [Emily] Take that coral,
you life-enriching bastard.
- [Crow] Oh, yes, my iPhone charger!
I've been looking for this thing, woo
- [Tom] Meanwhile, in
the movie's third subplot
and fourth outfit change.
(suspenseful music)
- [Crow] Hello, Mister Bond.
- [Emily] Not today, Satan.
- Hello?
- [Tom] Your rejection only
makes me want you more.
My therapist says it's because of my
Oh, there you go again, Kathy.
Come on, be a scientist!
- I've been wanting to talk to one of
ever since we came here.
- [Crow] Specifically, your manager.
- Where do you people
originally come from?
- [Emily] A place where they don't us
the phrase "you people."
- How can you swim so deep
and stay down so long?
Just like fish.
- [Tom] Now I'm wondering
what kind of scientist she is.
- You are a guest on this island.
You must learn to respect our privacy
if you wish to remain welcome.
- [Crow] Remember you clicked
"yes" on our terms of service.
- I want to show you something...
- [Emily] Look at it with your big ey
- Do you recognize it?
- [Tom] Not since it
started drinking again.
- [Crow] Whoa, seriously,
all animals were harmed
in the making of this movie.
- [Emily] You wore the wrong
shoes for fleeing, Kathy.
- [Crow] All right, do-do-do-do-do.
(mechanical clanging)
- Welcome to "Milk and Honey,"
the game show where contestants compe
for enough Tuscarora
pearls to be set for life.
Let's meet our contestants.
Emily, I hear you're from
the Simulator of Love.
- As of this morning,
yeah, they captured me.
- Ha, ho, great.
And Tom Servo, I'm told you're a robo
- Hope I win those pearls.
They'd look swell inside my head.
- Ha, ho, that's weird.
I'm going to give you
increasingly specific clues
as you try to guess those secret word
These are crustaceans.
- Lobsters.
- They move sideways.
- Oh, no, space invaders.
- They always try to rip you off.
- Ooh, crab.
- You've got it!
Moving on.
These are white and round.
- Marlon Brando.
- You put them in your drink.
- Pearls!
- Correct!
This game's all tied up.
This is surrounded by water.
- Marlon Brando.
- It's not an isthmus.
- Hanukkah?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Time is up.
That means it's the crab pit for you,
- Well, wait, there's a punitive
element to this game show?
- Is there ever!
(Crow laughing)
(Tom grunting)
- No, they got me!
The crabbies, they got me!
They're pinching me
down, Emily, pick me up!
Mother-crabber!
- Okay, next round.
Answer correctly and the lamb will li
- Wait, what?
(lamb bleats)
- Which one of these men is
Matthias and which is Logan?
- Oh.
Aren't they the same guy?
- Oh, I don't know either,
but all that matters is you got it wr
(lamb bleats)
- Oh, sorry, buddy.
They really do look alike.
- Now toss that lamb into the crab pi
- Phew, saved by intermission, lamby!
(Emily and Tom yelling)
- Crow, you're a madman!
- It sure was nice of you to
check in on me, Mr. Heston.
- Ah, I know what it's like to
be the new host on the block,
and how nothing can
prepare you for the moment
those doors cling shut and you realiz
you got to sit through the whole movi
What'd they start you off with?
- Something called "Beyond Atlantis."
- "Beyond Atlantis?"
Oh, wow.
Hey, you caught yourself a nasty one.
But I'm sure you're gonna be fine.
- Thanks.
That means a lot, Mr. Heston.
- Hey, call me Jonah.
Mr. Heston lives on
the planet of the apes.
- That sounds nice.
I guess we hosts have to stick togeth
- Actually historically, we
hosts have never stuck together.
Kind of a host-eat-host world.
- Oh, really?
'Cause maybe working together,
you'd have been able to escape.
I mean, how'd you do
20 of these experiments
and never try outsmarting the Mads?
I mean, I hate to use strong language
but they seem kind of dumb.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, good point.
Perhaps with the proper cooperation,
this forced vacation can
be brought to a cessation.
- Huh, why are you talking
in rhymes all of a sudden?
- I will tell you later
why I speak in rhyme,
but unfortunately now you've got-
- Movie sign!
Whoa, that rhymes!
(mechanical whirring)
- Careful, very careful.
- [Emily] Think fast!
- Hey, let me have that.
Yee-ha!
- [Crow] Whoa, cat's
eyes, aggies, red devils!
- Hey, you guys got ten
minutes of air left.
Time is money, baby!
Dive!
- Hang it in your ear,
baby, hang it in your ear.
- [Tom] Sadly, Logan only
had nine minutes of air left.
- [Emily] Why does this
pearl have a countdown clock?
- [Crow] Something smells good,
I hope it's not too spicy.
- [Tom] Meanwhile, at the
estate of Shel Silverstein.
(eerie music)
- [Emily] Yeah, I think the
spaceship landed nearby.
I don't know, just a feeling, I guess
- [Crow] I'm ready for
my closeup, Mr. Nereus.
- [Tom] Welcome to "Legends
of the Hidden Temple."
- [Emily] Somebody stop me.
- [Crow] Well, hi there!
- [Tom] Lara Croft, Tomb Meanderer.
- [Crow] Welcome to my temple!
- [Emily] Do you speak English?
- Do not touch it.
- [Tom] Heavens to halter
tops, you scared me!
- [Emily] Show some respect.
This is where we have open mic night.
- Move away.
(dramatic music)
- [Crow] Must be the Large Marge trib
- Leave her alone.
- [Tom] Nereus, buddy,
you're never gonna win
this staring contest.
- [Emily] I was just trying
to get a team together
for beach volleyball, geez.
- You must be careful where
you go on this island.
- [Crow] Some of it really sucks.
- There are places
where you should not be.
- [Tom] But you can help
me hang this curtain rod.
- Be as a shadow to your companions.
The guests huts and the beach are saf
- [Emily] And we have fireworks at ni
- Stay there.
- [Crow] But should I stay there?
- Thank you.
- [Tom] Hey, before you go,
mind if I ask your opinion
of the old chinstrap?
No, okay, you're going.
Keep up the good work.
- I say we leave when the haul gets h
- I can dig where you're coming from.
- What's that, Eddie?
You sound like a scared money better.
(East Eddie scoffs)
- It's bad odds, baby.
We've already had two dudes ripped of
- Well, nothing's gonna stop me.
- [Crow] Not even those meddling crab
- I'm gonna buy me a dream.
Mister luxury.
- [Emily] That's what I'll name my po
- Get me some good fighting cocks.
(Tom coughs uncomfortably)
- Maybe a couple of broads.
- Yeah, well, I'll sell you
the pick of the litter from my stable
I'm gonna buy a couple of buildings.
You know, get my broads off the corne
East Eddie's pleasure palace.
If we ain't got it, you don't want it
- [Crow] What about penicillin?
- What about you, Matthias?
- [Emily] How will you
treat women like property?
- I'll probably spend it on
something just as foolish.
- [Tom] Improv classes?
- You want a refill?
- [Crow] I spent my money on it fooli
- More coffee?
- No, thanks.
- [Emily] I'm busy science-ing.
- You're really into it.
- [Tom] Candy Crush?
Yeah, I guess.
But I can stop anytime I want to!
- [Crow] I drew this, see,
that's Forge, that's Magneto,
and they're fighting without shirts.
- I saw the exact duplicate
of this mask today.
- At this temple in the jungle?
- Now the one we have the museum
was found in one of the islands of Cr
about a half a century ago.
It's carved in the style of the Minoa
- [Emily] Oh boy, better get comforta
- They lived about 2,000 BC.
- [Tom] If you call that living.
- Are you making a connection?
- I'd like to.
♪ Move it, move it ♪
The Minoans supposedly lived on an is
that sank into the sea, Atlantis.
- [Emily] Morrisette?
- Are you saying these
people migrated here?
- [Tom] Well, doggy-paddled.
- It's just a conjecture.
Atlantis had a similar climate.
- [Crow] Stand-offish and weird.
- How do you account for their eyes?
- I don't know.
- [Emily] Ping pong accident?
- Environment, possibly.
Or form a genetic mutation
brought about by inbreeding.
- [Tom] So seabillies?
- Incest?
- [Kathy] Mm-hm.
- Well, then what about Nereus and Sy
Why don't they have eyes like the oth
- [Crow] Well, they're the leads, you
- I'm just making a lot of guesses.
- [Emily] Convenient.
- I don't know nearly enough.
But I'll find out.
- [Tom] No matter how many
lambs must be sacrificed.
- I must.
- When will you mate?
- [Crow] After I execute
the Queen's Gambit.
- [Nereus] It has been days.
You should be with child.
- [Emily] And have a gift registry!
- [Nereus] Look upon me.
- [Tom] Ah-ha, made you look upon me!
- Only hurt and destruction can come
from the feelings within you.
It is your destiny to
mate with an outsider,
not to love him.
- [Crow] Island Tinder!
- There can be nothing more.
You are of different species.
If you do not choose immediately-
- [Emily] A public mate
will be assigned to you.
- I will let Vian commit
them one and all to the sea.
Now, do that which is expected of you
- [Tom] This guy's obviously
never had a teenager.
- [Crow] If any of you extras
are in distress, blink at all.
- [Emily] I love kinetic sand,
you guys like kinetic sand?
- Looks good.
- What do you think the haul's worth?
- I figure it ought to fetch us
about $100,000 U.S. currency.
- [Tom] That was a lot of money back
- That's good enough for me.
I had my sights set on
25,000 when we started out.
I'm ready to pull up stakes.
- Yeah, well, not me, baby.
- [Crow] I eat steaks.
- It's fat city out there.
I aim to tap it for at least 100,000
for just my share alone.
Look, why stop now?
Everything's going great.
- [Emily] We've all really bonded.
- What do you say?
- [Tom] Please?
(East Eddie grunts)
- [Mathias] I say no.
- That would really give
you an up-yours stash.
You wouldn't have to take
any charters you didn't want.
- [All] Please?
- Settle for what we've got
and get out of here while we can.
- So who's stopping us?
With all the firepower we got,
we could knock off the whole damn tri
if they start anything.
- I hadn't planned on murdering anybo
for the pearls, Logan.
- [Crow] Although.
- You calling me a murderer?
- Well, what did you have in mind?
Hitting 'em over the head with coconu
- All right, knock it off.
This isn't getting us anyplace.
- [Emily] Logan, you're hearing,
but you're not listening.
- You think you're fooling anybody
with that holier-than-thou crap?
Hey, I know what you're up to.
You plan on dumping us
off on the mainland,
then you double back
and get the rest of the
pearls for yourself.
- Stay behind if that's
what's bothering you.
- Oh, yeah, you'd love that.
- [All] We all would.
- We stay here, the natives rip us of
and then you come back at
our share for no work at all.
- You're losing your mind, Logan.
- [Tom] Perm fight!
- Now this is a business deal.
- [Crow] Not a business, deal?
- Now we can sit and talk
like rational human beings.
We're all equal partners, right?
- [Emily] 33.3 repeating.
- Okay, I've got the deciding vote,
and I vote we stay.
- [Tom] Ugh, the Electoral
College strikes again.
- [Crow] These Lemonheads
are coming with me, you hear?
- When the pearls reach that line,
each man's share should be fifty thou
That's when I'm leaving.
- [Emily] If that's okay.
- I own the boat.
- [Tom] Submitted for the
approval of the Midnight Society,
I call this story "incomprehensible."
♪ I always feel like somebody's, whoa
- [Mathias] What's the matter?
- Nothing.
There are some things I must ask you.
- [Emily] Fill out this
form and use this cup.
(Tom giggles)
- They are very urgent,
and I have very little
time left to decide.
- [Tom] Which is why I
speak with such urgency.
(soft music)
- What is it like to live in your wor
- [Crow] What are taxes?
- Because everything we do
here, we do just to stay alive.
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
- If someone told me suddenly that
I could live as long as I pleased,
I would not know what
to do with myself here.
- [Tom] Boggle, maybe?
- But if I lived in your world,
perhaps in time I would
be just like the others.
- [Crow] Dumb and selfish.
- I would have a chance
to find a way for myself.
To be a woman and not
just a tool for survival.
- [GPC] Bad news, honey.
- You want to get away from here.
- [Tom] Help me stall
for time, Virginia Slims.
- Okay, I'll help you.
- [Emily] Your wait time
is approximately two hours.
- And then?
- And then.
- [Crow] You'll have been helped?
- Well, would you love me always?
Keep me safe from harm?
(Tom grunts nervously)
- Would you teach me a way for myself
Would you show me how to be valuable?
- [Emily] Right now the
"Curb Your Enthusiasm" theme
is playing in his head.
- Syrene, look, I'll help
you all I can, I want to.
- [Crow] I mean I don't want to.
- [Mathias] I can't change
my life very much for you.
- [Tom] Yeah, you know,
I work hard all week
and Saturday is for the boys
and then Sunday is paintball,
so my hands are tied.
- I don't love you.
- [Emily] Okay, Syrene, play it cool.
Don't let him know he's hurt you.
- [Crow] She really runs like a merma
- [Tom] Wait, stop, come back.
- [Emily] Meanwhile, in a
Nicholas Sparks adaptation
filming just across the bay.
- [Crow] This island really rocks.
- [Tom] Hey, I was thinking
of turning this movie
into "Mamma Mia," thoughts?
- We're going to be leaving
the island soon, aren't we?
- Why?
- [Emily] I finished all of my scienc
- I'm afraid of this place,
but I'm not really sure if
I want to leave just yet.
- Well, there's nothing to
stop you from coming back.
With what you've found out,
you should have no trouble
putting a scientific expedition toget
- Would you like to be on it?
- Ah, well, with all the
people on the equipment
you'll be hauling back here,
you'll need a much bigger boat.
- What if I asked you?
- [Crow] Well, if you asked me,
I'd tell you we need a much bigger bo
We're talking in circles here!
- Now why would you do that?
- Well, you've been here before,
and you know the waters around the is
and you'd be a great help.
- Yeah.
- [Tom] You got a little schmutz ther
- That's not what I meant.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I meant that-
- [Emily] You've been here
before and you know the waters
around the island and
you'd be a great help.
(Emily gargling)
- [Crow] She's only
doing this for detached,
scientific research.
- [Tom] Why are your teeth so sharp?
- [Emily] Oh, wait, I think I
see some science over there.
- [Crow] Science, at a time like this
- [Tom] Behind that rock,
I see some toxicology.
And right here at the waves,
there's some anthropology.
- [Emily] Yeah, cool, science things!
- [Crow] So that's what macrame is fo
I've been using it all wrong!
- [Tom] In my bathroom?
How dare they!
(all gargling)
- Stop!
- [Emily] Not in front of the seahors
- Father!
- [Crow] It's just a bellybutton pier
- I can no longer protect you.
- [Tom] You're too old
to be on my insurance.
- You must mate.
- [Emily] I want grandguppies before
- [Crow] Hard to argue with your dad
when he's in his power-clam.
- [Tom] Wait, is Manuel single?
I never asked him.
- There's still another place.
- [Emily] Where the watermelons grow?
- You've been holding out.
- [Syrene] It's very deep.
- Yeah, but it's got pearls in it, ri
- According to the lore of my people,
the Rizion Channel has hundreds
upon hundreds of pearls.
- [Crow] Boring mythology, but okay.
- No, but others in my village have.
- [Emily] And the fish down there?
Totally naked.
- What are we waiting for?
- [Tom] You mean "for
what are we waiting?"
- It's very dangerous.
- You only live once.
- [Emily] Logan invented YOLO?
Take that, Drake.
- Make a killing, baby.
- [Tom] And don't lose that beard.
- Well, partner?
What do you say?
One for the road?
- [Crow] What is road?
- Okay, but just one dive.
We leave after that,
regardless of what happens.
- [Emily] Four dives later.
- [Tom] What makes this diving sequen
different from all other diving seque
- [Crow] Nothing, my child, nothing.
- [Emily] She's descended from Atlant
but swims like she's from Saskatchewa
- [Tom] Ian Flounder's James
Pond in "Live and Let Dive."
- [Crow] This movie is just
a series of nice landscapes
ruined by weird people.
- [Emily] If they keep
playing that saw down here,
it's gonna rust.
- [Tom] Dear "Scuba Weekly,"
I never thought it would happen to me
- [Crow] Oh no, not on the coral.
That takes thousands of years to grow
- [Emily] Is she mating
with him or eating him?
Either way, I hate it.
- [Tom] Ah, the ceremonial fertility
- [Crow] This is also how
they caught the old guy
at the beginning of the movie.
- [Emily] And, whoops!
Looks like they also caught
two bottle-nose dolphins.
- [Tom] And that's how I net your mot
(Emily groans)
- [Kathy] Vic.
- [Crow] Wait, is that his name?
- [Kathy] Vic.
- [Emily] What a problematic dream.
- Vic.
- [Tom] We found you lying
here with a "just mated" sign.
- Baby, you did it!
Ha, ha, out of sight!
- [Crow] White chocolate Whoppers!
- [Kathy] Where is Syrene?
- Syrene?
I don't know.
All I can remember is diving and-
- [Emily] My piano lessons.
- Now being here.
I must have blacked out.
- [Tom] There any nachos left?
- Rapture of the deep.
- What's that?
- It's a kind of a high.
First you feel lightheaded,
then you black out.
- Where was Syrene all this time?
- [Crow] That scallop trollop!
- I'm not sure, but I think she was t
- You've been diving for
a long time, haven't you?
- [Tom] Yeah, three whole days.
- Has this ever happened to you befor
- Never.
- [Emily] Not underwater!
- Syrene is a lot like
the sirens in mythology
who lured sailors into
a state of euphoria.
- Just outside Kansas City?
- [Crow] Boom, you just got East Eddi
(Tom chuckles)
(mechanical clanging)
- Hey, South Eddie!
What are you doing at Eddie Con?
I thought you got the wrong
pass at the right bus stop.
- Well, I ain't one for
sitting on it, West Eddie!
- Oh, you and me both, you
pearl-pulling mother-crabber.
- Dah, eh?
- Hey, North Eddie!
- It's like they say.
- [All] North and South and East and
when Eddies assemble, we feel blessed
Dah!
- Emily, why aren't you
wearing your East Eddie
beard and ball cap like we agreed?
- Oh, yeah.
Well, you guys think it isn't too muc
- No, no, no, you look great.
Let's roll with it.
- [GPC] The International
Eddie Keynote will begin
in two squirts of milk and honey.
(all grunt)
- Well, I would love
to sit on it and chat,
but I got to catch the
raffle before the keynote.
- Well, how many tickets
did you buy, baby?
- You know me, this
mouth ain't for kissing.
(Tom laughs)
- I better split too, eh?
I got a workshop on confusing
dopes with of fractions.
It's out of sight, baby.
- Northeast Eddie, I told you
to keep your face to the moon.
- Oh, I don't take orders from you.
You ain't even a sock of quarters.
- Hey, why don't you come over here
and play that tune to my radio?
- Why, I-
- What's the rattle off
the chain, my babies?
- Not now, Southwest Eddie.
Me and Northeast Eddie are
just exchanging recipes.
- Oh, you Eddies simmer down
and scoot your pants out of the fire.
- Back off, Midwest Eddie.
- Calm down, baby.
She's just tooting a horn
you can't hear, you dig?
- Whoa, that's the
flip-flaming crab alert!
- Them's the son-of-ghosts
that tried to rip me off!
- Why the mother-crabbing
Eddie Con planning committee
got to go and rent the
hall next to Crab Con?
- Oh, don't throw it 'em, baby.
Pearls don't buy what they used to.
- Oh, let's say we see if them crabs
like their eggs scrambled, baby.
- Oh, man, we'll lose our security de
and it'll blow a big hole
in the Eddie healthcare fund, baby.
- Right on, it's like more
Eddies, more problems, dah!
- [All] Dah.
- Ah, we got movie sign!
- We got movie sign!
(mechanical whirring)
(waves rolling)
- [Emily] I'm getting rid of
whatever doesn't spark joy.
- Where's Kathy?
- I dunno.
I'll take that.
- [Tom] You get a receipt?
- Don't get that wet.
- [Emily] Are any of you people aroun
I just want remind you
of my unending respect
for your gross culture.
(Tom giggles)
- [Crow] Hello, lamb that went swimmi
You okay?
- [Tom] If found, return to the Met G
- [Emily] Kevin McCallister
isn't in the jungle,
he is the jungle.
- [Crow] They did love
swinging in the 70s.
- Forget the bag!
- [Tom] Sleazebags assemble!
- [Emily] Go on ahead,
I'll be right there.
(intense music)
- [Crow] Thank God they got
there just in the nick of
when they got around to it.
- Kathy, hold on!
- [Tom] That's literally her only opt
- Cannibal fish.
We need a rope.
- I got one.
- [Emily] Aw, East Eddie
brought sandwiches for everyone.
- [Crow] Geez, what is
that, a Bag of Holding?
(music continues)
- [Tom] Hurry, my deodorant is failin
- [Mathias] Logan, tie the
other end around my waist.
- [Emily] See if I'm a sweet petite,
long and lean, or in between.
- [Crow] He was aiming at
Kathy, but he'll make it work.
(all singing Indiana Jones theme)
- [Tom] Okay, great
corporate retreat, everybody.
This trust we've built is
really gonna pay off in Q3.
- Boat.
Nobody's at the boat.
- [Emily] Anybody remember
where we parked the boat?
- [Crow] We must be down a level.
(suspenseful music)
- [Tom] Even the boat
isn't back at the boat.
(Emily imitates screeching brakes)
- Why wasn't somebody left on the boa
You know, I'm holding you
personally responsible
for this, Matthias.
- You're holding me respon-
- Wait!
- [Crow] I think I hear the boat alar
- Senõr Eddie!
- [All] Manuel!
- You've been in the island too long,
so I come looking for you.
Perhaps you need help.
- [Tom] Deus Ex Manuel.
- Yes, it is hidden in cove
where they cannot find it.
About a half mile due north from here
I brought my large new boat.
- [Emily] I named it Boaty.
- All right, Manuel, what do you want
Nobody does nothing for nothing.
- [Crow] But I'm ba-ba-ba-bashful.
- Let's get this show
on the road, how much?
- [Tom] Let's talk fractions!
- Let me tell you what.
A small share of the pearls.
- All right, fifty pearls,
take it or leave it.
- Yeah, well not out of my share.
- Well, you stay here with your share
- [Emily] Mom and Dad, stop fighting.
- [East Eddie] There's no way
we're just gonna stroll down
to Manuel's boat.
- We need a diversion.
- [Crow] Does anyone have a lamb?
- I'll take the explosives
to that temple that Kathy went to.
We'll blow it up at dawn.
Now when they hear that,
they'll run for it.
We'll split like a bat
out of hell for the cove.
Probably have a mess of
fighting to do on the way.
- You can't destroy the temple.
It's sacred to them.
- Well, my ass is sacred to
me, so the temple blows up.
- [Tom] I hear that.
- [Emily] We'll see you at the
cove at a little after six.
Come on.
- [Crow] Well, hi there!
Welcome back!
- Give me the bag!
- [Emily] I'm sorry, I'm not angry at
just the situation.
- [Tom] I shouldn't
put the mask on, right?
Even just as a goof?
(Crow humming)
- [Crow] I'm helping.
(Crow singing)
- [Emily] Operation broad daylight.
- [Tom] Bang!
(suspenseful music)
- [Crow] I'm gonna catch
me a road runner today.
- [Emily] Hey, Eddie, the gaffer's as
if you're gonna use all his tape.
- [Tom] How long does
this shot have to hold
before it's a tutorial?
- [Emily] Does dynamite not work
if you just put it on the floor?
- [Crow] Oh, look, he's
assembling this movie.
- Get the bag.
(music continues)
- [Emily] This suspense is boring me.
- [Tom] Bang!
Sorry.
- [Crow] Things seem pretty quiet.
Maybe we didn't need
a diversion after all.
Ah, we already wired it, might as wel
- [Tom] Bang!
Okay, I'm done.
- [Emily] Sit, Ubu, sit.
Good dog.
(Crow barks)
(dynamite exploding)
- [Tom] The Enchanted Tiki Room, no!
- [Crow] Oh, wow!
- [Emily] Tag, you're it, Manuel's ba
(villagers yelling)
- [Crow] Come on, Dennis is about to
a kill screen in Donkey Kong!
(intense music)
- [Tom] Greedy outsiders
blow up your temple?
Yeah, we cover that.
- [Emily] Did we do that?
- Let's go.
(gun shot)
- [Crow] So by diversion,
you meant bring them straight to us.
(guns shooting)
♪ They brought lawyers, guns, and mon
- [Emily] Oh boy, just
two weeks from retirement.
(Emily grunts)
(gun shots)
- [Crow] Bet he's regretting
his Jay Leno cosplay.
- [Tom] Hey, I like your hair.
- [Emily] I like yours.
- [Crow] Marty Feldman's got terrible
(Mathias grunts)
(villager yells)
- [Tom] No, this loin cloth is suede!
(water splashing)
- [Emily] Hey buddy, truce?
(Tom chuckling)
- [Crow] Was he the Kool-Aid Man?
- [Tom] Oh no!
- [Emily] She majored in
skampering at Julliard.
- [Crow] On your left, you'll see Cth
one of the Great Old Ones,
rising from his death-like slumber.
- [Tom] I'm really glad they opened u
the Beyond Atlantis Marathon to women
- [Emily] Syrene joins the battle!
- [Crow] But Kathy will not be deterr
- [Tom] Syrene, no!
At this rate, the movie's never
gonna pass the Bechdel Test.
- [Emily] Oh, right into
the village's runoff.
- [Crow] Brooke Shields and Brooke Sh
in "The Grey Lagoon!"
- [Tom] Wow, it's like neither of the
has ever been in a terribly-choreogra
and unbelievable aquatic fight before
- [Emily] Yeah, and it turns
out being in a dense liquid
makes it hard to tussle.
- [Crow] Oh no, Syrene is
roughhousing her to death!
- [Tom] Russ Meyer's "Splash."
- [Emily] When Katie Ledeckys attack!
(Syrene groaning)
- [Crow] Oh, she's a doctor
of Jason Bourne-ology.
- [Tom] For someone with the
breath control of a whale,
she sure choked out fast.
- [Emily] It's like burning
Johnny Storm to death.
(Tom and Emily wince)
- [Crow] Be cool, Kathy.
You just found her body like that.
- [Tom] The island of Sonnies and Che
- [Emily] Tragically, all
three of them called in sick
the day of CPR training.
- [Crow] Temple blew up, but I'll be
as long as my daughter's alive and we
Family's everything.
- [Tom] Her fur-kini is still dry?
- [Emily] Now who's the
prettiest on the island?
(Kathy crying)
- I didn't want to.
- [Crow] Pretend to be
upset, he'll totally buy it.
- [Tom] How ironic.
You land creatures wear ocean colors
while we sea creatures
go with earth-tones.
What a world!
- [Emily] Hey, Nereus, great party, m
We're gonna take off.
- [Crow] Botticelli's "Death of Venus
(tense music)
- [Tom] The most ominous
version of "Chopsticks."
- [Emily] Syrene, can I just tell you
about the sucky day I've had?
- [Crow] Oh, honey, you're shivering.
- [Nereus] Syrene.
- [Tom] These Dip-N-Dots
will see you through
safely to the other side.
(Nereus screams)
- [Emily] Dude, relax,
it was just a prank,
a social experiment!
- [Crow] Uncle Owen?
Aunt Beru?
Masky?
(fire crackling)
- [Tom] The hut-hut-huts are hot-hot-
(drums beating)
- [Emily] Is she signaling a
helicopter to pick them up?
- [Crow] Shouldn't they be
wearing their funeral bikinis?
- [Tom] At the very least,
a dark beige loincloth?
- [Emily] I just wish we
knew if Syrene's okay.
(Tom chuckling)
- [Crow] Oh, that's the
third daughter this month.
- [Tom] So they're just giving up
on the escape part of the plan?
- I killed her.
- Kathy, before she could kill you.
- [Emily] But now I have a taste for
- And I destroyed.
I destroyed my life, too.
My whole life's work.
- [Crow] Skipper, Skipper!
The Globetrotters are coming!
- A culture.
A whole race of people.
- [Tom] Well, like, 20 people.
- I made them extinct.
- [Emily] I killed their Smurfette.
- It didn't work, Matthias.
Okay, this is as far you go.
Both of you back to the boat.
- What the hell are you talking about
- [Crow] Oh, it's a mood beard.
When it's thicker, he's crazier.
- Make a little deal while the rest o
were busy packing the gear.
- I've just about had it with you.
- Come on.
Come on, do it.
- [Tom] Are those buttons,
or is Matthias just chilly?
(eerie music)
- [Emily] We got to go before
the Opening Ceremonies get here.
- [Crow] It's a sad day
for the Mac and Mes.
- Damn it, I knew they had a stash.
Do you see it, Eddie?
- Yeah, I see it.
- So what?
Let's get out of here.
- It's a fortune!
- [All] Gesundheit!
- It's worth a king's ransom!
- [Tom] Who's paying for a kidnapped
- It's no use to the dead.
- Logan, no!
- [Emily] Now will you sign my cast?
- Take it easy, man.
I'll handle it.
- [Crow] You got to sit on
him when he's like this.
- Hold it right there.
Give me those pearls.
I don't wanna hurt you,
but I will if I have to.
- You want these pearls as well?
- [Tom] Wow.
- You may have them.
They are valueless to us now.
- [Emily] They were only
redeemable at WaldenBooks.
- They are yours.
Take them.
- [Crow] He's the head of this tribe,
but the king of passive aggression.
- [Tom] Oh my God, I didn't
think you'd actually do it.
- [Emily] And I'm taking
this giant watercress, too!
- We will proceed.
(somber music)
- [Crow] Geez, oh, he's
tangled in it already.
- Put it down!
Let it go!
Come on, let it go!
- [Tom] Now you're a Logan burrito!
- Let go, let go!
- [Emily] Popped by poppa.
- Bastard!
- You wanna say something to me?
- [Tom] Say it with flowers!
- This is business, man!
This is what we came here for!
Hell, if he'd caused any
problem, I would've shot him.
- [Crow] My precious.
- [Emily] Well, why
don't they just flush her
down the toilet like my goldfish?
- [Tom] It's like a
deconstructed log flume.
- [Crow] Artarians walk
in two straight lines.
The smallest one was Madeline.
- [Emily] To be fair, this
movie makes me want to walk
into the ocean, too.
- [Tom] What a waste of a
perfectly good sushi boat.
- [Crow] I can't wait for
Kathy's doctoral dissertation,
"If I Did It."
- [Emily] I don't think
some of these extras
were prepared for how
deep this was gonna get.
- [Tom] No one was.
- [Crow] Ariel's burial.
- [Emily] Logan can rest easy knowing
he ruined a mermaid's funeral.
- [Tom] What you thinking about?
- [Crow] Pearl stuff.
- [Emily] Looks like
the long arm of the law
caught up with Logan.
- [Tom] Nap time.
That's also how they got Capone.
- They got our weapons
while we were asleep.
- [Crow] But you were so tuckered
out, we just let you rest.
- Alright Manuel, what's coming down?
- [Emily] The box office receipts.
- This is my price for bringing
you back to civilization.
Pearls.
- [All] Pearls!
- And perhaps I will give
each one of you fifty pearls.
- [Emily] Oh, generous.
(intense music)
- [Crow] Oh no, a minor skirmish!
(Kathy gasps)
(Logan and Manuel yelling)
- [Emily] Oh, stop, I put
the pearls in the safe!
This box is just my vacation slides!
- [Crow] Goodbye, Logan.
- No!
- [Tom] My attache!
Monogrammed by my Papa!
- [Emily] Wanna feel old?
This is the Nirvana baby now.
- [Crow] Jetson!
(tense music)
- [Tom] Is he swimming
all the way to heaven?
- [Emily] Bad news, guys.
The atmosphere is completely
unbreatheable down there.
(crew yelling)
- [Logan] Hey, Eddie.
- [Crow] Help.
- [Logan] I got another
proposition for you.
- Throw the rope!
- [Logan] There's a lot
of coral down there.
- [Tom] Logan's got reefer madness.
- Maybe fifty feet down if
it didn't go over the ledge.
Look, even if it did,
a couple of good divers
ought to be able to cover the whole r
in a couple of weeks.
(all laughing nervously)
- [Emily] Why are we laughing?
- [Crow] What's happening?
- [Tom] Did we cut to the blooper ree
What's happening?
- [Crow] I'm scared!
(all laughing nervously)
(all sobbing)
- [Emily] The real pearls were the fr
we made along the way.
(mechanical clanging)
You probably noticed the
soundtrack to "Beyond Atlantis"
featured literally every
genre of music except one.
Until now!
Open your ears and your
big, weird eyeballs
for the hottest supergroup
this side of Minoa.
Hit it, mother-crabbers!
- [Logan] Heard us rapping.
- [East Eddie] Mother-crabbers.
- [Logan] Heard us, heard us rapping.
- [East Eddie] Some
mother-crabbers set trap.
Mother-crabbers.
♪ I'm a mother crabber ♪
♪ A live coral stabber ♪
♪ Open to the waist no
button shirt haver ♪
♪ Hopping on my boat, and
I sail like a regatta ♪
♪ Going through the water
like I'm Nereus's daughter ♪
♪ Swim around the world and
no, I not mind the moisture ♪
♪ When I see a pearl, I'm
gonna pull it out a oyster ♪
♪ Slapping up Manuel and
no, I will never apologize ♪
♪ Never saw an island that
I did not want to colonize ♪
♪ East is east, west is west ♪
♪ And that's a whole pit of
crabs biting on my chest ♪
♪ I'm a mother crabber ♪
♪ Live coral stabber ♪
♪ Open to the waist no
button shirt haver ♪
♪ I'll do 'bout anything
as long it's illegal ♪
♪ At the casino I drop
pearls in my Chivas Regal ♪
♪ If you divvy up my share,
man, that's not right ♪
♪ I'm just trying to get some
roosters for the cock fight ♪
♪ I'm the kinda guy who
dives at the sight of land ♪
♪ Three boats in one boat,
that's a trimaran, man ♪
♪ East is east, west is west ♪
♪ And you can find me wherever
another culture is oppressed ♪
♪ I'm a mother crabber ♪
♪ A live coral stabber ♪
♪ Beard, no mustache, loincloth haver
♪ Threaten me? You must be delirious
♪ I'm strictly serious,
you can call me Nereus ♪
♪ I'm the king, on this
island I am lionized ♪
♪ Only guy from this
island without giant eyes ♪
♪ Need Syrene to mate, to
you it doesn't seem cool ♪
♪ But I need some dudes to
dilute my people's gene pool ♪
♪ East is east, west is west ♪
♪ Stay there ♪
♪ Yeah, that's my main request ♪
♪ I'm a mother crabber ♪
♪ A live coral stabber ♪
♪ Super general science background ha
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What happened to GPC?
- Whoa.
- Oh, well, this is GPC-2.
I wanted her to be lighter
and more maneuverable
so she could hang with us more.
- You can't argue with the results.
Did you hear those bars I just laid d
Doesn't change the fact that I'm a-
- Yeah!
(airhorn blaring)
♪ Mother-crabber, a live coral stabbe
♪ Puka shell necklace, white suit hav
♪ I'm a mother crabber ♪
♪ A live coral stabber ♪
♪ Open to the waist no
button shirt haver ♪
♪ I'm a mother crabber ♪
♪ A live coral stabber ♪
♪ Super general science background ha
- Put some more belly on those crabs!
- Oh, look at those pearls.
- Where my pearls at?
- Where my pearls at?
- Here they are, here they are.
- So what is a mother-crabber, anyway
A mom who goes crabbing?
- It's the song of the
summer's what it is.
♪ I'm a mother-crabber ♪
♪ Tires made of rubber ♪
♪ Thing says it's time to clobber ♪
♪ Fred MacMurray starred in "Flubber"
♪ If you don't want pie,
I got some cobbler ♪
- Just press a button, Max.
- Yeah, we gotta get me in the studio
while I'm spitting heat.
(screen buzzes)
Is that ever cool?
- Of course it is.
- So it's just like Jonah's?
- Yeah.
It's got it's own Tom, Crow, and GPC.
Let's see how it's going.
- And all the rubber baby buggy bumpe
made it safely back to shore.
- Oh, hey, welcome to
the Simulator of Love.
Watching these bad movies really rais
the old tension levels, so we
decided to give ASMR a try.
- But the internet up here is terribl
so we have to make it ourselves.
- Oh, I think it's working!
I'm feeling relaxed already.
- Yeah, oh yeah.
- Hey, guys, what you doing?
ASMR?
(Tom and Crow yelling)
- Good, all right, Ms. Kinga.
Your Gizmonics Simulator of
Love is installed and running.
It's got umbilicus too,
so it can go aloft.
- So then why are you still here?
- Well, I need you to
sign this work order.
- Right, right.
All in good time.
We'll take care of it.
- Can't believe I'm really
on the dark side of the moon.
- Well, matter of fact, it's all dark
- Anyway, my name's Emily Connor
and I work at the Gizmonic Institute
and nobody really knows that I'm here
Think about that every
morning as I get up to
do my little pore over, and you know,
who would do this if I
wasn't here, you know?
- Wow, you're a talker.
You do realize we're mad scientists,
not mad therapists, right?
- Sorry, I just can't wait to see
what you've got planned
for the new simulator.
How're you gonna find a
poor dope to pop in there?
- Oh, we've got some ideas.
Max?
(ship humming)
- Hey, wait a minute, that's
my only way out of here.
- Looks like you missed your ride, de
- Oh, poopy.
- [Narrator] Here we go.
(upbeat theme music)
♪ In the not too distant future ♪
♪ Next Sunday afternoon ♪
♪ The evil Kinga Forrester ♪
♪ Ran her empire from the moon ♪
♪ Her latest plan was the Gizmoplex ♪
♪ A twisted scheme based on stolen sp
♪ Now she's pulling the strings
from the old moon base ♪
♪ And she's back to her experiments ♪
♪ With prisoners out in space ♪
♪ I'll send them cheesy movies ♪
♪ The worst motion picture wrecks ♪
♪ La la la ♪
♪ They'll have to sit and watch them
♪ And we'll stream them at the Gizmop
♪ La la la ♪
♪ Now keep in mind they can't control
♪ Where the movies begin or end ♪
♪ La la la ♪
♪ They'll have to keep their sanity ♪
♪ With the help of their robot friend
♪ Robot Roll Call ♪
♪ Cambot ♪
- And action.
♪ GPC ♪
- Which one?
♪ Tom Servo ♪
- That's me.
♪ Crooooow ♪
- Oh, brother.
♪ If you're wondering how
they eat and breathe ♪
♪ And other science facts ♪
♪ La la la ♪
♪ Then repeat to yourself,
it's just a show ♪
♪ I should really just relax ♪
♪ For Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♪
- Can't believe I'm really
here in the Simulator of Love
simulating I'm on the Satellite of Lo
- Ugh, youthful enthusiasm.
- Crow, please.
- Wow, you simulator bots
have already absorbed
the behavior of Jonah's
bots within seconds.
- And your point?
- That's not gonna be problematic.
- I'll tell you what's problematic.
Your soul's gonna get
crushed within seconds.
- Yeah, I'm used to it, I'm on Twitte
- Ah, looks like Derek
and Clive are calling.
This place needs a jolt of naive ener
- Ugh, we have so much to teach you.
Push the button.
- Oh, right.
- Enough with the orientation
session, fresh fish.
- Yeah, life moves
pretty fast around here.
You don't stop and look
around once in a while,
you could miss it.
I'm sorry, Kinga, I somehow
started Ferris Bueller-ing.
- It's time for the invention exchang
Brushing our teeth.
We all do it, right?
Gross.
Well, most of us do it.
But how many of us take the
same care of our plants?
Now you got no excuse.
- Presenting "Plantsodyne,"
the first ever toothpaste for plants.
We also considered
calling it "Arm & Planter"
and "Plant's of Maine."
- It's easy.
All you do is brush your plant's teet
like you would your own.
Observe.
- Okay, I think I saw this in
Better Homes and Cronenbergs.
- Go ahead, Max, brush those teeth.
- Oh God, they're moving,
the teeth are moving!
- So brush them, brush them!
Ugh, smells minty fresh!
- It's not natural!
We've tampered in God's dentist's cha
- I like it.
Now, my invention.
- It's your first day
and you already have an invention rea
- Well, yeah.
I was on one of the design teams
that worked on this simulator
and this is one of my contributions.
(button beeps)
- Whoa.
- Ooh.
- Mech Hands.
All the power of a fighting mech,
all the grace of a hand model.
- Ooh.
Oh, it's like Galactus is
hanging out at our house.
- They can hold things, jazz
hands, everything hands do.
- Thumbs up?
- Yeah, that is something hands do.
And I'll do you one better.
Check it out.
Double thumbs up.
- Whoa!
Now it's like the Iron
Giant thinks we're cool.
- Wow.
- Thanks, Mech Hands.
That's plenty.
Oh.
A little bit goes a long way.
(mechanical whirring)
- Thank you.
What do you think, sirs?
- How do your Mech Hands feel
about nightmarish plants?
- I did not tell you to stop brushing
Today's experiment is the best
"criminals looking for pearls
find a kingdom of fish people" movie
starring John Wayne's son
that was ever made in the Philippines
That's right, it's terrible.
Nothing can prepare you
for "Beyond Atlantis!"
Flush them the movie!
(Max screams)
- I wonder what Emily smells like.
- Oh, maybe later, buddy.
Movie in the hole.
(liquid flushing)
♪ She's got the whole show ♪
♪ In her Mech Hands ♪
♪ She's got the whole ♪
- What's happening?
Are we gonna die?
- No, no, no, that's movie sign.
- Oh, right!
- Press the button!
- Okay!
- Newbie, this way!
(all yelling)
(mechanical whirring)
(somber music)
- [Emily] Hey, had a necklace
like that in the nineties.
- [Crow] Hey, nice.
- [Tom] Can't we get beyond Atlantis?
- [Crow] It's like a
viking funeral in reverse.
- [Emily] And also
starring John Mary-Kate.
- [Tom] Should I keep
the meter running or?
- [Crow] I haven't thought of Lenore
since that bleak December.
- [Emily] Well, you know they
had seat belts on that boat.
- [Tom] I told you they'd
have their own sand.
Why did you bring that big bag?
- [Crow] The island of Dr. Matt Groen
- [Tom] My friend Ja Rule told me
the Fyre Fest would be here.
- [Crow] I don't know,
man, you go talk to her.
♪ Her name is Rio and she's
standing by the sand ♪
(music continues)
- [Emily] It's always
hard dropping your kid off
at college the first time.
- [Crow] Tag, you're it.
- [Emily] Oh my God, what?
- [Tom] My currency is tiny pelts.
- [Crow] The best boat captains
have middle school dance energy.
- [Tom] 'Kay, I'm just gonna
chain this boat to a fence
so nobody takes it.
- [Emily] Okay, I don't care.
- [Crow] Somehow that boat is
triggering my arachnophobia.
- [Tom] Hey, hey, miss?
You can't come here,
it's a protected beach.
Guys, tell her it's a protected beach
- [Crow] Miss, there are turtles hatc
right next to where you're standing.
Miss, do not move.
- Store the supplies.
- [Emily] A please would be nice.
- [Crow] Let me slip into
something more confusing.
- [Tom] Yeah, first thing
I do when I get home
is take my pants off too, so I get it
(dramatic music)
- [Crow] Ow, ow, ow, ooh, pointy, ow,
- [Tom] Why is the
check-in desk always so far
from the front lobby?
- [Crow] You just know
this is one of those places
that has the quote, resort fee, unquo
- [Emily] Yeah, but they do
have the free breakfasts.
- [Tom] Not Margaret Keane's best wor
- [Crow] Heh, heh, check
out small-eyes here.
- [Emily] How does she even see?
- [Crow] Four score and seven seas ag
- Welcome, my daughter.
We have captured this intruder
who has trespassed on our island.
According to the laws of
our people, he must die.
(suspenseful music)
- [Emily] Yeet!
(man yells)
- [Crow] Hume Cronyn, no!
- [Tom] Ah, nice to see you too, Dad.
My trip was fine, thanks for asking.
(eerie music)
- [Emily] Beyond Atlantis,
there is Hot-lantis.
- [Crow] Some questionable
choices for a tourism video.
- [Emily] And they said,
"Pretend to have a conversation
until the scene starts," and I
said that would look stilted,
and they said that it
wouldn't, so here I am, ha, ha.
- [Tom] Who loves you, babies?
- [Crow] Two marijuanas, please.
- [Emily] Ugh, early Venmo was sweaty
(Tom and Crow chuckle)
- The other side.
- [Tom] Ooh, withdrawing from
checking and savings today.
(cars honking)
- [Emily] He's tough, but fair.
- You been sitting on it.
Now you don't make a dime sitting on
You go pop for papa.
- [Emily] Yeah, go be saddy for daddy
(rhythmic bass playing)
- [Tom] Soundtrack by Les
Claypool's first bass lesson.
- [Emily] Michael, row your boat asho
- [Crow] Hallelujah.
- [Tom] I like this guy.
He's like the Hank Hill
of the Philippines.
(music continues)
- [Emily] "Weekend at
Bernie's 3: Havana Nights."
(country music)
- Semor Quintero, please.
- Over there.
- [Tom] This music makes me feel like
I just won a consolation prize.
- [Crow] Hola, mis
amigos, I tell you what.
- I am looking for Semor Quintero.
- What do you want him for?
- [Emily] Friendship?
- Business.
- What?
- Little business.
- [Tom] Now you're too loud.
- Well, then you better lay it on me
because I just taken over
all of Quintero action.
You might say we had a merger
and I liquidated his assets.
He's dead.
- [Crow] Oh, ha, ha, I'm an accessory
- I want to sell this.
- [Emily] So you would
think your quarter's
at the top of napkin, but
it's disappeared, ta-da!
- [Crow] So when are these
turtle eggs supposed to hatch?
- [Tom] He hasn't even
finished his Ring Pop yet.
- [East Eddie] 500 pesos.
Take it or leave it.
- [Crow] You know you're a big deal
when you have a human wallet.
- [Tom] Music by Herb Alpert
and the Manilla Brass.
- Thank you.
- [Emily] You feel it, too?
- You from around here?
- No.
My village is Murigao,
near Murigao states.
- [Crow] Sure, near Tampa.
- That's where you found the pearls?
- No, I bought them from a stranger.
He is an islander from the south.
- [Emily] So the Keys?
- What's the name of the island?
- [Tom] Reginald.
- I do not know.
I must go now.
- Sure.
Friend.
- [Crow] They're starting
karaoke in a few minutes.
We need a tenor to really
do justice to "Bye Bye Bye."
You in?
- It's for having an honest face.
- Thank you, semor.
- [Tom] I paid good money for this fa
- If I find more pearls,
I come back to you.
- Sure.
You just ask anybody on the
waterfront for East Eddie,
they'll tell you where to find me.
- What does East mean?
- [Emily] It's where the
sun is angry in the morning.
- See, what's your name?
- Manuel.
- [Crow] North Manuel.
- See, Manuel, I'm a businessman
and I got a lot of action.
There's another dude that operates
in the west half of the waterfront.
And he has the distinction
of being called West Eddie.
- [Emily] Two Eddies, what are the od
- You're the boss of the waterfront.
- [Tom] I'm more of a mentor.
- Not yet, my friend.
Soon the twain will meet.
- [Crow] Kipling, you see.
- East is east, west is west.
Until old Eddie gets the rest.
- [Emily] Yeah, you like poetry?
I sent that one to "The New Yorker."
- [Tom] Okay, I didn't
wanna know any of that, bye.
- Sit down.
- [Crow] We haven't ordered dessert y
- [Tom] All the animals were harmed
in the making of this film.
- [Emily] I'm here to pick
up my chicken from daycare.
Anyone know where the
parent pickup lot is?
- [Crow] Sticks out like a
sore thumb sporting a goatee.
(crowd yelling)
- [Tom] This is the strangest
production of Les Miz
I've ever seen.
- [Emily] Mike Brady's lost weekend.
- [Crow] It turns out you
could save money on a script
by not miking any of the actors, huh.
- [Tom] I would look
stellar in that shirt.
- What's wrong, Logan?
- Hey, listen, Eddie.
I had a little run of bad luck today,
I mean, nothing I won't be
able to throw in a week or so.
I got the money coming over
from the states, you know,
but I just need a little
something to tide me over.
- [Emily] Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, slow down.
Slow down.
- The money's really on the way.
I really need it, man.
Got a little pressing business.
(East Eddie laughing)
- I saw your pressing business, didn'
- What do you say, Eddie, huh?
- Aw, man, I'm uptight.
I can't think when I'm like that.
Now I'm gonna go to Tillie Tingle Fin
and we can talk there.
- Hey, can't we talk here?
You know, I-
- Nah.
- [Crow] Did his own mouth
just give up on the dialogue?
- Hey, man, listen.
- [All] Don't pan down, don't
pan down, don't pan down!
- [Logan] We really
ought to stick together.
- Don't give me that.
- [Emily] Purple nurple!
- You owe me, man.
You owe me a lot.
- [Tom] Eight bucks!
- The only reason you aren't
floating in the bay now
is 'cause I like you.
- [Crow] Shouldn't she use a vacuum?
- 'Cause I like you, I'm
gonna help you help yourself.
- Oh, lower, lower.
- [Emily] Ugh, so his belly button, o
(all yelling)
- Oh.
Tillie, you're the golden fingers.
(East Eddie laughs)
- [Tom] Good game.
- Your hands are a gold mine!
- [Crow] I demand you give them to me
in the name of the King!
- [Emily] Oh, she can
finally clean that fan.
- [Tom] Oh.
- Feast your eyes on this.
- [Tom] Anything to
take our eyes off that.
- That's a Tuscarora.
- [Crow] No, that's a pearl.
- It's worth 1,000 pesos,
maybe more, where'd you get it?
- [Emily] From a wet, scared guy.
- Can you fence it?
- Fence, hell, it'll go like wildfire
These are rare, I haven't
seen one in years.
- [East Eddie] There's a lot
more where that came from.
- [Tom] I got a guy shoving
sand into oysters as we speak.
- I'll supply, you deal,
we'll split down the middle.
- [Crow] Splitting it?
That's almost like half!
- Put 'er there, pard!
- [Emily] You got it, 'ner!
- [Tom] Alas, poor Yorick.
He was so smooth.
- Beautiful.
Really beautiful.
- [Tillie] Come on.
- [Crow] Time for him to
massage her, aw, that's nice.
- You know, with enough of
these, we'd be fixed for life.
- [Emily] Oh, you don't need fixing.
You're fine just the way you are.
- You got any idea where these came f
- Sort of.
- [Tom] Eddie, that's the bidet.
- You know if a man could find
the source of these babies,
he'd be in milk and honey forever.
- [Crow] Eddie's in milk
and honey right now.
- Eddie, you've got money and I'm a d
Now all we need's a boat
and some good equipment.
You can pick 'em up for a song.
Just give me a small advance,
I can have us moving in a couple of d
- [Emily] Is she washing
him with a chicken cutlet?
- I know where you're coming from,
and the idea's outta sight,
but I want Vic Matthias in on this.
(Tom grunts)
- He's an expert diver,
he has his own boat,
and he knows the islands
like the back of his hand.
- It's no good, it won't work.
If we bring him in, we've got
to make it a three-way scene.
- So we'll split it three ways.
- [Emily] Ugh, but we're a
dynamic duo, not a terrific trio!
- No.
We don't need him.
- I want him!
To keep us honest.
- [Crow] What are we, crooks?
- Eddie, believe me, I know the
region better than Matthias.
I lived in the islands for five years
I covered every inch of them.
We can do it alone.
Just tell me where you found them.
It's probably an island I used to liv
(East Eddie laughing)
- [Tom] You can't live on an island!
It's surrounded by water!
How would you even get there?
(Tom laughing)
- You don't really expect
me to tell you that, do you?
(East Eddie laughing)
You'll know when the time is right.
- [Emily] Here I sit, broken-hearted.
- [Crow] This place has all
the excitement of a casino
and all the wholesome values
of a family Italian restaurant.
- After nine is the betting time, gen
- [Tom] I'd like to buy a vowel.
- [Emily] Tensions mount at
the high-stakes Go Fish table.
- [Tom] She's wearing a wine chalice!
- [Crow] So I'm to reach
in and grab the ball
in order to win?
♪ It's not unusual ♪
- Little more, please?
- Oh, no, thank you.
- Hi, Bob.
- Sir.
As usual?
- Yeah.
- Make it Chivas Regal Royal
Salute for Mr. Mathias.
- Yes, sir.
- [Crow] Chivas?
Well, tighten my perm.
- What's the pitch?
- [Emily] It's called "Dino-Riders."
- Between fellow Americans.
- [Tom] Wait a minute, how
am I sitting across from me?
- [Crow] Oh, it's fine, I
didn't want any dialogue anyway.
- [Emily] I thought we agreed
to wear fun shirts today.
- I got a little proposition for ya.
- Oh, really?
- [Tom] It's called "boba tea."
- [Mathias] You're
coming in a lot clearer.
- Now, about that proposition.
- [Crow] I take your Spanish final
and you take my math final.
- You know, I've always heard
you could find these pearls
in the outer islands.
When I was a frog man, I knew
a lot of divers who tried,
but they all failed.
- [Emily] Tadpoles.
- Well for one sixth of the take,
you can be the diver that finds them.
See, I know where they are.
Naturally I came to you because,
well, you're a fellow American.
- Oh, sure.
- [Tom] Throw that in my face.
- Deal?
- [Crow] I don't know,
I got to ask my wife,
and I promised the kids I'd take them
to Busch Gardens this weekend.
- Okay, I'll throw in my boat, gear,
and first mate for a sixth.
- You got it.
- Beautiful.
A sixth for them in a sixth
for me, that makes a third.
- [Emily] Math!
- No, now hold it.
That's not the deal I
offered, I won't go for that.
- I'll be on my boat.
And since you know where I hang out
and the kind of booze I like to drink
I guess you know where I'm moored.
I'll be there when you're ready to go
♪ Well you can tell by
the way I use my walk ♪
♪ I'm a frog man, no time to hop ♪
- [Crow] Hey, he didn't drink his pea
(patrons talking indistinctly)
- [Emily] Gentlemen, the
game is 1313 Dead End Drive.
- Hit me.
That's my number.
- [Tom] Damn, these cards
are against humanity.
- Don't go away, folks.
Keep your seats.
I'll be back shortly and show
you how to break this place.
- [Crow] But first, I'm gonna
go break their bathroom.
- Well, hello.
- I've been waiting for
a chance to talk to you.
- I'm all yours.
- [Emily] 'Kay, bye.
- Not here.
Privately.
- Well, we can go to my place.
- [Tom] You like park benches?
- Mine.
9:30 in the morning.
- In the morning?
- Mm-hm.
- [Patron] It's a raid!
(patrons yelling)
- [Crow] It's delayed Beatlemania!
- [Emily] Cheese it, it's the fuzz!
- [Tom] The five-oh!
- [Crow] The bobbies!
- [Emily] The plods!
- [Tom] The peelers!
- [Crow] The constabulary!
- [Emily] Careful, that's
a load bearing door!
- Stay where you are!
- Don't anybody move!
- [Tom] You didn't say "Simon Says."
- [Crow] I'm a dealer, I
go down with the table.
(patrons yelling)
- [Emily] I don't like park rangers
because park rangers don't like me.
- [Tom] Thanks for saving me
from paying a small fine, mister!
- Don't forget, 9:30!
- [Logan] Right, I'll be there!
- [Crow] This was a great
first date, ha, ha, ha!
(mechanical clanging)
- Man, Logan and East Eddie are so co
Their hair, their lack of hair.
- Now how did we get that
machismo, that charisma?
That mastery of fractions.
- I have to assume East
Eddie was born with it.
Just came out of the womb,
bearded and throwing punches.
But that doesn't mean you can't learn
With "East Eddie's SAT
Prep: 70s Dirtbag Edition."
- Ah, out of sight.
Hit me with a sample, Jack.
- Cambot, can you throw
this up on the Jetscreen?
Ooh, all right.
Here you go.
East Eddie has five pearls
at 1,000 pesos apiece.
He's traveling southwest
to meet West Eddie,
who is traveling North northeast
with three pearls at 500 pesos apiece
If East Eddie kills West Eddie,
how does he divvy the take
to give Logan and Mathias their sixth
- How fast are they
traveling and at what speed?
- Logan has taken all the speed.
- Oh, wait, and I got this.
East Eddie pulls a fast
one and gets everything.
- Dah, kid, you're a natural.
- Do we need to show our work?
- This is the Dirtbag Edition.
Never show your work.
Never show nothing to nobody.
No paper trail.
- Oh ho, solid.
- Heh, heh.
Oh, try the reading comprehension
section on for size.
- All right.
- Complete the stanza with
the correct rhyme scheme
to best intimidate a small, wet man.
East is east, west is west.
A: sweaty money from her breast.
B: purple shirts is how I dress.
C: massages help me when I'm stressed
- D, all of the above!
- Correct!
- But it's pronounced "dah."
- I knew that.
Crow, you should have let me answer.
- Dah!
- Hey, all right, here's one for you.
- Okay.
- All right, ooh, okay.
Last night, Logan got rolled
ringside at a cockfight.
He lost two of his three shirt
buttons, a gold pinky ring,
and the phone number of a
one-armed fence from Manila.
Should this sentence use a
comma, semicolon, or colon?
- Ooh, ooh, ooh!
It proceeds a list, so semicolon.
- No.
The correct answer is "What
am I, a college professor?
Get lost."
- I should've known that one!
I'll never be a 70s dirtbag.
- Oh, now, now.
Well, keep in mind that the foundatio
of dirtbag standardized
testing are problematic
and that they don't actually
evaluate a full range of-
(all yelling)
We got movie sign!
- We got movie sign!
(all yelling)
(mechanical whirring)
- [Emily] Brian Eno's
music for big empty plazas.
♪ Gonna fly now ♪
- Ahem.
- [Crow] Wake up!
- Is there a Kathy Vernon around here
- Doctor Katherine Vernon?
- [Crow] The card just says "homeopat
- She left a message for you.
She's waiting for you in the Gallery
of Primitive Pacific Arts.
Up the stairs, to the left.
- [Tom] Ugh, more stairs?
- Up the stairs to the left?
- [Emily] All right, fine.
♪ Here I come to beige the day ♪
- Well, well, so the good
doctor cruises at night.
- Sometimes it's well worth it.
- Can you leave now?
- And where are you
going to whisk me off to?
- [Tom] Hopefully a place
with a better sound crew.
- My place.
- And what would we do there?
- We'd explore each other's minds.
- In the spirit of detached
scientific curiosity, of course?
- Not exactly, but you
can look at it like that
if that's what it takes to turn you o
- [Emily] Huh?
(all imitating street sounds)
- [Emily] Hey, I'm walking here!
(Crow screeches)
(all imitating explosions)
- [Crow] Okay, cut, we got it, moving
- Look at this mask, Mr. Logan.
The eyes are Tuscarora pearls.
- [Tom] And as you can see,
the crown is elbow macaroni.
- [Kathy] This tribe may
be from the same area.
- [Emily] That's Majora's Mask!
- You want in.
- I'm only interested in
trying to locate a lost tribe.
- [Crow] Called "Quest."
- No dice.
- [Tom] The police just took them.
- Well, I guess I'll have to fumble a
and arrange my own expedition.
Talk to a lot of people,
ask a lot of questions.
- Suit yourself.
Maybe we can get together some other
- [Emily] No.
- That man you were talking to last n
his name's Mathias, isn't it?
- [Crow] He's a puritan!
- [Kathy] I suppose
you'll be using his boat?
- If I have to do something
about you, I will.
But I want you to know
my heart won't be in it.
- [Tom] It was replaced by a baboon's
- Mr. Logan.
- [Emily] He prefers "Wolverine."
- I want to make a name for
myself in my profession.
I don't expect it to come easy.
But I don't want any of your pearls.
- [Crow] I'm more of a chunky
turquoise girl, myself.
(eerie music)
- [Tom] How many boats is that one bo
- [Emily] Ugh, the wreck
of the Edmund Fitz-boring.
- [Crow] Thank God he's
wearing his seat belt.
- [Tom] It's the Scarlet Pimp-ernel!
- You boys have a nice swim?
- [Emily] Ah, just floating and peein
- [Crow] Ew, Mike Love's Beach Boys!
- Yeah, well, school's out.
Now let's get this show on the road.
- I've checked everybody
out who's gonna dive
except joy-boy here.
If he gets it in a sling-
- Then we split two ways.
- What about him?
- [Tom] He's a joy-man.
- You're paying him the sixth for.
He dives.
- [Kathy] Hello!
- [Emily] Oh good, the boat's
figurehead has arrived.
- [Crow] Hi.
- What the hell is this?
- Well, I told you guys to stop
bad mouthing and shove off.
- [Tom] And we told you
to watch your language.
- [East Eddie] You don't mean?
- Of all the dumb stunts,
telling a broad's like
blasting it over a loudspeaker.
- Yeah, well that's exactly
what she would've done
if I hadn't have brought her along.
She overheard us rapping about the pe
at the casino last night.
- [Emily] And now Suge
Knight wants to meet us.
- Look, she's a scientist.
(boat horn blares)
- [Crow] I think the horn
speaks for all of us.
- [Tom] I love his ocean camouflage.
- I wonder what kind of a scientist.
- [Emily] Hopefully not a
soft science like psychology.
- Let's get the hell outta here befor
the whole damn city boards us.
- [Crow] I know you're joking, sir,
but that would seriously
break our occupancy codes.
- [Tom] You may think I over-packed,
but I only brought a
Small Hadron Collider.
(upbeat music)
- [Emily] Oh no, they're
sailing the wrong direction
in a one way ocean!
- [Crow] Day 4: Morale is low.
Mathias lost the pieces to Sorry
and I've read all my magazine.
- [Tom] Oh, her shirt lists the
number of interesting scenes
in this movie so far.
- [Emily] May I ask her what
kind of scientist she is?
- [Crow] This boat is
three sheets to the wind.
- [Tom] Meanwhile, on Gary Busey isla
- We're looking for a guy
by the name of Manuel.
He's a fisherman in this village.
- Probably stoned.
(villager laughs)
- [Emily] That's how squares talk!
- This is the island of Murigao?
- Sí.
- [Crow] Duolingo is paying off!
- We are looking for a
fisherman by the name of Manuel.
- Many people here called Manuel.
- [Tom] There's East Manuel, West Man
- Yesterday.
- The Manuel we're looking
for was in the city yesterday.
- [Emily] Oh, Big-Time Manuel.
- Manuel the Barracuda.
(intense music)
- [Tom] You leave that sweet
man alone, you jackals!
(Tom panting)
- [Crow] Hey, lady you can't go back-
Ah, whatever.
- [Kathy] What do you think you're do
(music continues)
- [Emily] Really low AI
on the NPCs in this game.
- [Tom] "Rambo IV: Some Blood."
(Crow grunts)
- I'm speaking to him in a dialect
he can't refuse to understand.
- [Emily] Esperanto.
- The truth!
- [Crow] Is East Eddie the bad guy?
- And you talk to me in English.
- [Tom] That's why American tourists
are beloved the world over.
- A young woman comes to the village.
She trades pearls for supplies.
- [Emily] And Thin Mints for pesos.
(dramatic music)
- [Tom] They picked up a
hitchhiking string section.
- [Crow] Let's see, here be dragons,
Mordor, Rohan, Eriador, The Shire.
Wait, North Dakota?
- [Emily] The water reclamation
reservoir of the damned.
- [Tom] Hut, hut, hut!
- [Crow] And they said
you couldn't sneak into
Disney's Polynesian resort!
- [Emily] Ha, now do a silly one.
- No dock and no boats.
- If we got some time,
we can check a couple of those spots
- We ought to check out the people fi
- [Tom] See how horny they are.
- What's that for?
- [Crow] My fragile masculinity.
- Hey, come on, we're wasting time.
We got about an hour's
worth of light left.
If we get the gear out fast-
- [Emily] They only listen to
him a third of the time, too.
- [Tom] First Thanksgiving, woo!
- A mermaid sitting on a Greek centau
I wonder what it's doing here.
- [Crow] It's a statue, so not much.
- Where's the people?
- [Emily] They left in a hurry.
Didn't touch their charcuterie.
- Something's fishy.
- [Tom] The mermaid, I'm guessing?
- [Mate] Looks like
they split when we came.
- [Crow] Oh, did they split
them into sixths or thirds?
- Still warm.
- [Emily] The McDLT still works!
- Maybe they don't like
uninvited dinner guests.
- Yeah.
Maybe we better come back after break
and introduce ourselves.
- Probably out in the
bushes checking us out.
- [Tom] Oh, really?
Then let's give 'em a show, boys!
- [Crow] Okay, now stand still.
Perfect.
- This couple's got problems.
- [Emily] She's a Capricorn,
and he's made of stone.
- There's not much more
we can do here tonight.
Light'll be gone soon.
- I told you we were wasting time.
- I've got another twenty shots left.
- You could've fooled me.
- [Tom] Fine, 19, happy?
- I thought that thing froze up solid
- [Tom] What?
- [Emily] What?
- [Crow] Does it still count as haras
if no one understands it?
- [Emily] We've secretly
replaced these divers'
regular oxygen tanks with helium.
Let's see if they notice.
- [Tom] They both think they're the l
and the other is their
stunt double, it's cute.
(blaring keyboard music)
- [Crow] They do know
they don't have to hit
every key on the synth at once?
- [Emily] Ew, he's swimming
into Logan's bubbles.
- [Tom] Come on, I know a good dive b
- [Crow] Hello Muddah, hello Fadduh.
- [Emily] You think they got a spa?
I miss Tully Tinglefingers.
- Hey.
- [Tom] Did you change again?
- Better stay close.
- [Crow] I don't want to
lose touch this summer, okay?
- [Emily] He's wearing just half a ca
'cause he's a humble superhero.
- [Tom] Doc, you're in room 307.
Tom and Julio, you're 310.
I'm in the Rapunzel Suite.
Let's unpack and meet here
for brunch in 20 minutes.
- [Crow] Is that a badminton net?
Game on, Julio.
(eerie music)
- [Emily] I'm gonna find
that didgeridoo player
and snap his neck.
- [Tom] Two henchmen, one
bomber pilot and one preppy,
walk into a beach resort.
- [Crow] Go find me a Fresca.
- [Emily] They look like three guys
expecting a bachelor party
walked into a Zumba class.
(East Eddie yells)
- [Tom] Eddie? What is it, boy?
(East Eddie yells)
- Get 'em off me, get 'em off!
- Oh my God!
Do something!
Sanchez, grab his hand, get in there.
Hold onto his feet!
- [Crow] And grab some Old Bay!
- [Emily] Crabs? Why
did it have to be crabs?
- Now pull!
Pull!
Pull!
- [Tom] Now the other one!
Push!
Push!
- Now we've got to clean
and wrap his wounds.
Sanchez, get the first
aid kit in the rowboat.
Catch him!
- Let me go!
Damn crabs!
- [Crow] Sir, this is no way to start
the Crab 100 Meter Dash.
- [Emily] I killed them all.
Not just the crab men, but
the crab women and children.
- We were standing right here talking
before we went back to
the boat last night.
- [Tom] I thought the crabs were joki
I didn't think they'd actually do it.
(dramatic music)
- [Crow] Oh my God, look,
it's Ecco the Dolphin!
- [Tom] Are you sure the
Panda Express is this way?
- [Emily] It's the most
exotic of mermaids,
half human and half human.
(music continues)
- [Crow] So, come here often?
- [Emily] Okay, I call a moratorium
on the whole "bubble finger voice."
It's gonna be a really long movie, gu
- [Tom] Easter Island,
what have they done to you?
- What are you doing on my island?
- We're looking for Tuscarora pearls.
- [Crow] That old queen?
She moved.
- Did you learn of the pearls from Ma
- [Emily] Ooh, he's in trouble.
- You must be the broad he told us ab
- We don't want to cause any trouble.
We just want to get some pearls
and leave you and your
island when that's done.
- [Tom] We'll just swim out
for a pack of cigarettes
and never come back.
- What if you found nothing?
- [Crow] Well, we'd never know it.
- What if the only pearls you could f
already belonged to somebody else?
- [Emily] Like Liberace.
- [Logan] Well, there'd have to be mo
where they came from.
Nobody's gonna keep us from looking.
- [Tom] Yeah, the people
here are always looking.
That's kind of their whole thing.
- I will show you to the beds of pear
- [Logan] Are they near?
- [Crow] Oh my God, chill.
- Yes, quite near.
- [Mathias] Well, that's
very generous of you.
- [Emily] Now answer my riddles three
- How can you stay under
water so long without gear?
- [Tom] Well, my blowhole helps.
- [East Eddie] Hey!
- What happened?
- Some mother-grabber set a trap.
- [Crow] Whoa, language!
- Bunch of rotten crabs
tried to rip me off.
- That's just fate trying
to get back at you, Eddie.
- [Emily] They stuck their little
Japanese flags all over me!
- Well, old Eddie got the last bite,
and it's crab stew tonight, baby.
- [Tom] I guarantee!
- I must apologize.
We of Atouri know of the
storage pits of every hut.
- Artouri?
- It's a means of storing seafood
until we're ready to eat it.
- [Crow] Couldn't that just be the se
- That storage pit
wasn't there last night.
- [Emily] Silence, non-blonde.
- You are mistaken.
- [Tom] I guess even
mermaids can be mean girls.
- [Crow] Marco!
- [Emily] Polo!
- [Tom] Hey, I'm Marco!
- [Emily] I'm a Polo!
- [Crow] Where's Marco?
- [Tom] I'm right here!
- [Emily] My flight or fight
response is to stand and wait.
(eerie electronic music)
- [Crow] They're surrounded by Zeppel
Houses of the Holy.
- Let me welcome you
on behalf of my people
to our island of Artouri.
- [Tom] We've been here for 2,600 yea
- [Emily] Oh God, they're
about to break into
a musical number about how
things are done in this town.
- [Tom] Ooh.
- I am Nereus, elder of this island.
- [Crow] But I try to be cool about i
- This is my daughter, Syrene.
- [Tom] East or West Syrene?
- We invite you to move
into the guest huts.
- [Emily] Next to Kato Kaelin.
- Enjoy the fruits of Artouri.
- [Crow] But you'll have to
get them before Pac-Man does.
(relaxed music)
- [Tom] Come on in, this is
our pool and also our toilet.
- [Emily] You thinking what I'm think
- [Crow] Probably, we're the same guy
- How do we know we can trust her?
- [Tom] She's hot.
You can trust all hot
people, of which I am one.
- We don't.
- [Emily] So set your harpoon to stun
- [Crow] Remember me as boring!
- [Tom] Last one in is a pinchy crab!
Oh, sorry, Eddie.
- [Emily] I wish I could swim.
(eerie electronic music)
- [Crow] This way, just
follow the ominous music.
- [Tom] Sounds like these guys
are about to fight King Boo.
(music continues)
- [Emily] Take that coral,
you life-enriching bastard.
- [Crow] Oh, yes, my iPhone charger!
I've been looking for this thing, woo
- [Tom] Meanwhile, in
the movie's third subplot
and fourth outfit change.
(suspenseful music)
- [Crow] Hello, Mister Bond.
- [Emily] Not today, Satan.
- Hello?
- [Tom] Your rejection only
makes me want you more.
My therapist says it's because of my
Oh, there you go again, Kathy.
Come on, be a scientist!
- I've been wanting to talk to one of
ever since we came here.
- [Crow] Specifically, your manager.
- Where do you people
originally come from?
- [Emily] A place where they don't us
the phrase "you people."
- How can you swim so deep
and stay down so long?
Just like fish.
- [Tom] Now I'm wondering
what kind of scientist she is.
- You are a guest on this island.
You must learn to respect our privacy
if you wish to remain welcome.
- [Crow] Remember you clicked
"yes" on our terms of service.
- I want to show you something...
- [Emily] Look at it with your big ey
- Do you recognize it?
- [Tom] Not since it
started drinking again.
- [Crow] Whoa, seriously,
all animals were harmed
in the making of this movie.
- [Emily] You wore the wrong
shoes for fleeing, Kathy.
- [Crow] All right, do-do-do-do-do.
(mechanical clanging)
- Welcome to "Milk and Honey,"
the game show where contestants compe
for enough Tuscarora
pearls to be set for life.
Let's meet our contestants.
Emily, I hear you're from
the Simulator of Love.
- As of this morning,
yeah, they captured me.
- Ha, ho, great.
And Tom Servo, I'm told you're a robo
- Hope I win those pearls.
They'd look swell inside my head.
- Ha, ho, that's weird.
I'm going to give you
increasingly specific clues
as you try to guess those secret word
These are crustaceans.
- Lobsters.
- They move sideways.
- Oh, no, space invaders.
- They always try to rip you off.
- Ooh, crab.
- You've got it!
Moving on.
These are white and round.
- Marlon Brando.
- You put them in your drink.
- Pearls!
- Correct!
This game's all tied up.
This is surrounded by water.
- Marlon Brando.
- It's not an isthmus.
- Hanukkah?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Time is up.
That means it's the crab pit for you,
- Well, wait, there's a punitive
element to this game show?
- Is there ever!
(Crow laughing)
(Tom grunting)
- No, they got me!
The crabbies, they got me!
They're pinching me
down, Emily, pick me up!
Mother-crabber!
- Okay, next round.
Answer correctly and the lamb will li
- Wait, what?
(lamb bleats)
- Which one of these men is
Matthias and which is Logan?
- Oh.
Aren't they the same guy?
- Oh, I don't know either,
but all that matters is you got it wr
(lamb bleats)
- Oh, sorry, buddy.
They really do look alike.
- Now toss that lamb into the crab pi
- Phew, saved by intermission, lamby!
(Emily and Tom yelling)
- Crow, you're a madman!
- It sure was nice of you to
check in on me, Mr. Heston.
- Ah, I know what it's like to
be the new host on the block,
and how nothing can
prepare you for the moment
those doors cling shut and you realiz
you got to sit through the whole movi
What'd they start you off with?
- Something called "Beyond Atlantis."
- "Beyond Atlantis?"
Oh, wow.
Hey, you caught yourself a nasty one.
But I'm sure you're gonna be fine.
- Thanks.
That means a lot, Mr. Heston.
- Hey, call me Jonah.
Mr. Heston lives on
the planet of the apes.
- That sounds nice.
I guess we hosts have to stick togeth
- Actually historically, we
hosts have never stuck together.
Kind of a host-eat-host world.
- Oh, really?
'Cause maybe working together,
you'd have been able to escape.
I mean, how'd you do
20 of these experiments
and never try outsmarting the Mads?
I mean, I hate to use strong language
but they seem kind of dumb.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, good point.
Perhaps with the proper cooperation,
this forced vacation can
be brought to a cessation.
- Huh, why are you talking
in rhymes all of a sudden?
- I will tell you later
why I speak in rhyme,
but unfortunately now you've got-
- Movie sign!
Whoa, that rhymes!
(mechanical whirring)
- Careful, very careful.
- [Emily] Think fast!
- Hey, let me have that.
Yee-ha!
- [Crow] Whoa, cat's
eyes, aggies, red devils!
- Hey, you guys got ten
minutes of air left.
Time is money, baby!
Dive!
- Hang it in your ear,
baby, hang it in your ear.
- [Tom] Sadly, Logan only
had nine minutes of air left.
- [Emily] Why does this
pearl have a countdown clock?
- [Crow] Something smells good,
I hope it's not too spicy.
- [Tom] Meanwhile, at the
estate of Shel Silverstein.
(eerie music)
- [Emily] Yeah, I think the
spaceship landed nearby.
I don't know, just a feeling, I guess
- [Crow] I'm ready for
my closeup, Mr. Nereus.
- [Tom] Welcome to "Legends
of the Hidden Temple."
- [Emily] Somebody stop me.
- [Crow] Well, hi there!
- [Tom] Lara Croft, Tomb Meanderer.
- [Crow] Welcome to my temple!
- [Emily] Do you speak English?
- Do not touch it.
- [Tom] Heavens to halter
tops, you scared me!
- [Emily] Show some respect.
This is where we have open mic night.
- Move away.
(dramatic music)
- [Crow] Must be the Large Marge trib
- Leave her alone.
- [Tom] Nereus, buddy,
you're never gonna win
this staring contest.
- [Emily] I was just trying
to get a team together
for beach volleyball, geez.
- You must be careful where
you go on this island.
- [Crow] Some of it really sucks.
- There are places
where you should not be.
- [Tom] But you can help
me hang this curtain rod.
- Be as a shadow to your companions.
The guests huts and the beach are saf
- [Emily] And we have fireworks at ni
- Stay there.
- [Crow] But should I stay there?
- Thank you.
- [Tom] Hey, before you go,
mind if I ask your opinion
of the old chinstrap?
No, okay, you're going.
Keep up the good work.
- I say we leave when the haul gets h
- I can dig where you're coming from.
- What's that, Eddie?
You sound like a scared money better.
(East Eddie scoffs)
- It's bad odds, baby.
We've already had two dudes ripped of
- Well, nothing's gonna stop me.
- [Crow] Not even those meddling crab
- I'm gonna buy me a dream.
Mister luxury.
- [Emily] That's what I'll name my po
- Get me some good fighting cocks.
(Tom coughs uncomfortably)
- Maybe a couple of broads.
- Yeah, well, I'll sell you
the pick of the litter from my stable
I'm gonna buy a couple of buildings.
You know, get my broads off the corne
East Eddie's pleasure palace.
If we ain't got it, you don't want it
- [Crow] What about penicillin?
- What about you, Matthias?
- [Emily] How will you
treat women like property?
- I'll probably spend it on
something just as foolish.
- [Tom] Improv classes?
- You want a refill?
- [Crow] I spent my money on it fooli
- More coffee?
- No, thanks.
- [Emily] I'm busy science-ing.
- You're really into it.
- [Tom] Candy Crush?
Yeah, I guess.
But I can stop anytime I want to!
- [Crow] I drew this, see,
that's Forge, that's Magneto,
and they're fighting without shirts.
- I saw the exact duplicate
of this mask today.
- At this temple in the jungle?
- Now the one we have the museum
was found in one of the islands of Cr
about a half a century ago.
It's carved in the style of the Minoa
- [Emily] Oh boy, better get comforta
- They lived about 2,000 BC.
- [Tom] If you call that living.
- Are you making a connection?
- I'd like to.
♪ Move it, move it ♪
The Minoans supposedly lived on an is
that sank into the sea, Atlantis.
- [Emily] Morrisette?
- Are you saying these
people migrated here?
- [Tom] Well, doggy-paddled.
- It's just a conjecture.
Atlantis had a similar climate.
- [Crow] Stand-offish and weird.
- How do you account for their eyes?
- I don't know.
- [Emily] Ping pong accident?
- Environment, possibly.
Or form a genetic mutation
brought about by inbreeding.
- [Tom] So seabillies?
- Incest?
- [Kathy] Mm-hm.
- Well, then what about Nereus and Sy
Why don't they have eyes like the oth
- [Crow] Well, they're the leads, you
- I'm just making a lot of guesses.
- [Emily] Convenient.
- I don't know nearly enough.
But I'll find out.
- [Tom] No matter how many
lambs must be sacrificed.
- I must.
- When will you mate?
- [Crow] After I execute
the Queen's Gambit.
- [Nereus] It has been days.
You should be with child.
- [Emily] And have a gift registry!
- [Nereus] Look upon me.
- [Tom] Ah-ha, made you look upon me!
- Only hurt and destruction can come
from the feelings within you.
It is your destiny to
mate with an outsider,
not to love him.
- [Crow] Island Tinder!
- There can be nothing more.
You are of different species.
If you do not choose immediately-
- [Emily] A public mate
will be assigned to you.
- I will let Vian commit
them one and all to the sea.
Now, do that which is expected of you
- [Tom] This guy's obviously
never had a teenager.
- [Crow] If any of you extras
are in distress, blink at all.
- [Emily] I love kinetic sand,
you guys like kinetic sand?
- Looks good.
- What do you think the haul's worth?
- I figure it ought to fetch us
about $100,000 U.S. currency.
- [Tom] That was a lot of money back
- That's good enough for me.
I had my sights set on
25,000 when we started out.
I'm ready to pull up stakes.
- Yeah, well, not me, baby.
- [Crow] I eat steaks.
- It's fat city out there.
I aim to tap it for at least 100,000
for just my share alone.
Look, why stop now?
Everything's going great.
- [Emily] We've all really bonded.
- What do you say?
- [Tom] Please?
(East Eddie grunts)
- [Mathias] I say no.
- That would really give
you an up-yours stash.
You wouldn't have to take
any charters you didn't want.
- [All] Please?
- Settle for what we've got
and get out of here while we can.
- So who's stopping us?
With all the firepower we got,
we could knock off the whole damn tri
if they start anything.
- I hadn't planned on murdering anybo
for the pearls, Logan.
- [Crow] Although.
- You calling me a murderer?
- Well, what did you have in mind?
Hitting 'em over the head with coconu
- All right, knock it off.
This isn't getting us anyplace.
- [Emily] Logan, you're hearing,
but you're not listening.
- You think you're fooling anybody
with that holier-than-thou crap?
Hey, I know what you're up to.
You plan on dumping us
off on the mainland,
then you double back
and get the rest of the
pearls for yourself.
- Stay behind if that's
what's bothering you.
- Oh, yeah, you'd love that.
- [All] We all would.
- We stay here, the natives rip us of
and then you come back at
our share for no work at all.
- You're losing your mind, Logan.
- [Tom] Perm fight!
- Now this is a business deal.
- [Crow] Not a business, deal?
- Now we can sit and talk
like rational human beings.
We're all equal partners, right?
- [Emily] 33.3 repeating.
- Okay, I've got the deciding vote,
and I vote we stay.
- [Tom] Ugh, the Electoral
College strikes again.
- [Crow] These Lemonheads
are coming with me, you hear?
- When the pearls reach that line,
each man's share should be fifty thou
That's when I'm leaving.
- [Emily] If that's okay.
- I own the boat.
- [Tom] Submitted for the
approval of the Midnight Society,
I call this story "incomprehensible."
♪ I always feel like somebody's, whoa
- [Mathias] What's the matter?
- Nothing.
There are some things I must ask you.
- [Emily] Fill out this
form and use this cup.
(Tom giggles)
- They are very urgent,
and I have very little
time left to decide.
- [Tom] Which is why I
speak with such urgency.
(soft music)
- What is it like to live in your wor
- [Crow] What are taxes?
- Because everything we do
here, we do just to stay alive.
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
- If someone told me suddenly that
I could live as long as I pleased,
I would not know what
to do with myself here.
- [Tom] Boggle, maybe?
- But if I lived in your world,
perhaps in time I would
be just like the others.
- [Crow] Dumb and selfish.
- I would have a chance
to find a way for myself.
To be a woman and not
just a tool for survival.
- [GPC] Bad news, honey.
- You want to get away from here.
- [Tom] Help me stall
for time, Virginia Slims.
- Okay, I'll help you.
- [Emily] Your wait time
is approximately two hours.
- And then?
- And then.
- [Crow] You'll have been helped?
- Well, would you love me always?
Keep me safe from harm?
(Tom grunts nervously)
- Would you teach me a way for myself
Would you show me how to be valuable?
- [Emily] Right now the
"Curb Your Enthusiasm" theme
is playing in his head.
- Syrene, look, I'll help
you all I can, I want to.
- [Crow] I mean I don't want to.
- [Mathias] I can't change
my life very much for you.
- [Tom] Yeah, you know,
I work hard all week
and Saturday is for the boys
and then Sunday is paintball,
so my hands are tied.
- I don't love you.
- [Emily] Okay, Syrene, play it cool.
Don't let him know he's hurt you.
- [Crow] She really runs like a merma
- [Tom] Wait, stop, come back.
- [Emily] Meanwhile, in a
Nicholas Sparks adaptation
filming just across the bay.
- [Crow] This island really rocks.
- [Tom] Hey, I was thinking
of turning this movie
into "Mamma Mia," thoughts?
- We're going to be leaving
the island soon, aren't we?
- Why?
- [Emily] I finished all of my scienc
- I'm afraid of this place,
but I'm not really sure if
I want to leave just yet.
- Well, there's nothing to
stop you from coming back.
With what you've found out,
you should have no trouble
putting a scientific expedition toget
- Would you like to be on it?
- Ah, well, with all the
people on the equipment
you'll be hauling back here,
you'll need a much bigger boat.
- What if I asked you?
- [Crow] Well, if you asked me,
I'd tell you we need a much bigger bo
We're talking in circles here!
- Now why would you do that?
- Well, you've been here before,
and you know the waters around the is
and you'd be a great help.
- Yeah.
- [Tom] You got a little schmutz ther
- That's not what I meant.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I meant that-
- [Emily] You've been here
before and you know the waters
around the island and
you'd be a great help.
(Emily gargling)
- [Crow] She's only
doing this for detached,
scientific research.
- [Tom] Why are your teeth so sharp?
- [Emily] Oh, wait, I think I
see some science over there.
- [Crow] Science, at a time like this
- [Tom] Behind that rock,
I see some toxicology.
And right here at the waves,
there's some anthropology.
- [Emily] Yeah, cool, science things!
- [Crow] So that's what macrame is fo
I've been using it all wrong!
- [Tom] In my bathroom?
How dare they!
(all gargling)
- Stop!
- [Emily] Not in front of the seahors
- Father!
- [Crow] It's just a bellybutton pier
- I can no longer protect you.
- [Tom] You're too old
to be on my insurance.
- You must mate.
- [Emily] I want grandguppies before
- [Crow] Hard to argue with your dad
when he's in his power-clam.
- [Tom] Wait, is Manuel single?
I never asked him.
- There's still another place.
- [Emily] Where the watermelons grow?
- You've been holding out.
- [Syrene] It's very deep.
- Yeah, but it's got pearls in it, ri
- According to the lore of my people,
the Rizion Channel has hundreds
upon hundreds of pearls.
- [Crow] Boring mythology, but okay.
- No, but others in my village have.
- [Emily] And the fish down there?
Totally naked.
- What are we waiting for?
- [Tom] You mean "for
what are we waiting?"
- It's very dangerous.
- You only live once.
- [Emily] Logan invented YOLO?
Take that, Drake.
- Make a killing, baby.
- [Tom] And don't lose that beard.
- Well, partner?
What do you say?
One for the road?
- [Crow] What is road?
- Okay, but just one dive.
We leave after that,
regardless of what happens.
- [Emily] Four dives later.
- [Tom] What makes this diving sequen
different from all other diving seque
- [Crow] Nothing, my child, nothing.
- [Emily] She's descended from Atlant
but swims like she's from Saskatchewa
- [Tom] Ian Flounder's James
Pond in "Live and Let Dive."
- [Crow] This movie is just
a series of nice landscapes
ruined by weird people.
- [Emily] If they keep
playing that saw down here,
it's gonna rust.
- [Tom] Dear "Scuba Weekly,"
I never thought it would happen to me
- [Crow] Oh no, not on the coral.
That takes thousands of years to grow
- [Emily] Is she mating
with him or eating him?
Either way, I hate it.
- [Tom] Ah, the ceremonial fertility
- [Crow] This is also how
they caught the old guy
at the beginning of the movie.
- [Emily] And, whoops!
Looks like they also caught
two bottle-nose dolphins.
- [Tom] And that's how I net your mot
(Emily groans)
- [Kathy] Vic.
- [Crow] Wait, is that his name?
- [Kathy] Vic.
- [Emily] What a problematic dream.
- Vic.
- [Tom] We found you lying
here with a "just mated" sign.
- Baby, you did it!
Ha, ha, out of sight!
- [Crow] White chocolate Whoppers!
- [Kathy] Where is Syrene?
- Syrene?
I don't know.
All I can remember is diving and-
- [Emily] My piano lessons.
- Now being here.
I must have blacked out.
- [Tom] There any nachos left?
- Rapture of the deep.
- What's that?
- It's a kind of a high.
First you feel lightheaded,
then you black out.
- Where was Syrene all this time?
- [Crow] That scallop trollop!
- I'm not sure, but I think she was t
- You've been diving for
a long time, haven't you?
- [Tom] Yeah, three whole days.
- Has this ever happened to you befor
- Never.
- [Emily] Not underwater!
- Syrene is a lot like
the sirens in mythology
who lured sailors into
a state of euphoria.
- Just outside Kansas City?
- [Crow] Boom, you just got East Eddi
(Tom chuckles)
(mechanical clanging)
- Hey, South Eddie!
What are you doing at Eddie Con?
I thought you got the wrong
pass at the right bus stop.
- Well, I ain't one for
sitting on it, West Eddie!
- Oh, you and me both, you
pearl-pulling mother-crabber.
- Dah, eh?
- Hey, North Eddie!
- It's like they say.
- [All] North and South and East and
when Eddies assemble, we feel blessed
Dah!
- Emily, why aren't you
wearing your East Eddie
beard and ball cap like we agreed?
- Oh, yeah.
Well, you guys think it isn't too muc
- No, no, no, you look great.
Let's roll with it.
- [GPC] The International
Eddie Keynote will begin
in two squirts of milk and honey.
(all grunt)
- Well, I would love
to sit on it and chat,
but I got to catch the
raffle before the keynote.
- Well, how many tickets
did you buy, baby?
- You know me, this
mouth ain't for kissing.
(Tom laughs)
- I better split too, eh?
I got a workshop on confusing
dopes with of fractions.
It's out of sight, baby.
- Northeast Eddie, I told you
to keep your face to the moon.
- Oh, I don't take orders from you.
You ain't even a sock of quarters.
- Hey, why don't you come over here
and play that tune to my radio?
- Why, I-
- What's the rattle off
the chain, my babies?
- Not now, Southwest Eddie.
Me and Northeast Eddie are
just exchanging recipes.
- Oh, you Eddies simmer down
and scoot your pants out of the fire.
- Back off, Midwest Eddie.
- Calm down, baby.
She's just tooting a horn
you can't hear, you dig?
- Whoa, that's the
flip-flaming crab alert!
- Them's the son-of-ghosts
that tried to rip me off!
- Why the mother-crabbing
Eddie Con planning committee
got to go and rent the
hall next to Crab Con?
- Oh, don't throw it 'em, baby.
Pearls don't buy what they used to.
- Oh, let's say we see if them crabs
like their eggs scrambled, baby.
- Oh, man, we'll lose our security de
and it'll blow a big hole
in the Eddie healthcare fund, baby.
- Right on, it's like more
Eddies, more problems, dah!
- [All] Dah.
- Ah, we got movie sign!
- We got movie sign!
(mechanical whirring)
(waves rolling)
- [Emily] I'm getting rid of
whatever doesn't spark joy.
- Where's Kathy?
- I dunno.
I'll take that.
- [Tom] You get a receipt?
- Don't get that wet.
- [Emily] Are any of you people aroun
I just want remind you
of my unending respect
for your gross culture.
(Tom giggles)
- [Crow] Hello, lamb that went swimmi
You okay?
- [Tom] If found, return to the Met G
- [Emily] Kevin McCallister
isn't in the jungle,
he is the jungle.
- [Crow] They did love
swinging in the 70s.
- Forget the bag!
- [Tom] Sleazebags assemble!
- [Emily] Go on ahead,
I'll be right there.
(intense music)
- [Crow] Thank God they got
there just in the nick of
when they got around to it.
- Kathy, hold on!
- [Tom] That's literally her only opt
- Cannibal fish.
We need a rope.
- I got one.
- [Emily] Aw, East Eddie
brought sandwiches for everyone.
- [Crow] Geez, what is
that, a Bag of Holding?
(music continues)
- [Tom] Hurry, my deodorant is failin
- [Mathias] Logan, tie the
other end around my waist.
- [Emily] See if I'm a sweet petite,
long and lean, or in between.
- [Crow] He was aiming at
Kathy, but he'll make it work.
(all singing Indiana Jones theme)
- [Tom] Okay, great
corporate retreat, everybody.
This trust we've built is
really gonna pay off in Q3.
- Boat.
Nobody's at the boat.
- [Emily] Anybody remember
where we parked the boat?
- [Crow] We must be down a level.
(suspenseful music)
- [Tom] Even the boat
isn't back at the boat.
(Emily imitates screeching brakes)
- Why wasn't somebody left on the boa
You know, I'm holding you
personally responsible
for this, Matthias.
- You're holding me respon-
- Wait!
- [Crow] I think I hear the boat alar
- Senõr Eddie!
- [All] Manuel!
- You've been in the island too long,
so I come looking for you.
Perhaps you need help.
- [Tom] Deus Ex Manuel.
- Yes, it is hidden in cove
where they cannot find it.
About a half mile due north from here
I brought my large new boat.
- [Emily] I named it Boaty.
- All right, Manuel, what do you want
Nobody does nothing for nothing.
- [Crow] But I'm ba-ba-ba-bashful.
- Let's get this show
on the road, how much?
- [Tom] Let's talk fractions!
- Let me tell you what.
A small share of the pearls.
- All right, fifty pearls,
take it or leave it.
- Yeah, well not out of my share.
- Well, you stay here with your share
- [Emily] Mom and Dad, stop fighting.
- [East Eddie] There's no way
we're just gonna stroll down
to Manuel's boat.
- We need a diversion.
- [Crow] Does anyone have a lamb?
- I'll take the explosives
to that temple that Kathy went to.
We'll blow it up at dawn.
Now when they hear that,
they'll run for it.
We'll split like a bat
out of hell for the cove.
Probably have a mess of
fighting to do on the way.
- You can't destroy the temple.
It's sacred to them.
- Well, my ass is sacred to
me, so the temple blows up.
- [Tom] I hear that.
- [Emily] We'll see you at the
cove at a little after six.
Come on.
- [Crow] Well, hi there!
Welcome back!
- Give me the bag!
- [Emily] I'm sorry, I'm not angry at
just the situation.
- [Tom] I shouldn't
put the mask on, right?
Even just as a goof?
(Crow humming)
- [Crow] I'm helping.
(Crow singing)
- [Emily] Operation broad daylight.
- [Tom] Bang!
(suspenseful music)
- [Crow] I'm gonna catch
me a road runner today.
- [Emily] Hey, Eddie, the gaffer's as
if you're gonna use all his tape.
- [Tom] How long does
this shot have to hold
before it's a tutorial?
- [Emily] Does dynamite not work
if you just put it on the floor?
- [Crow] Oh, look, he's
assembling this movie.
- Get the bag.
(music continues)
- [Emily] This suspense is boring me.
- [Tom] Bang!
Sorry.
- [Crow] Things seem pretty quiet.
Maybe we didn't need
a diversion after all.
Ah, we already wired it, might as wel
- [Tom] Bang!
Okay, I'm done.
- [Emily] Sit, Ubu, sit.
Good dog.
(Crow barks)
(dynamite exploding)
- [Tom] The Enchanted Tiki Room, no!
- [Crow] Oh, wow!
- [Emily] Tag, you're it, Manuel's ba
(villagers yelling)
- [Crow] Come on, Dennis is about to
a kill screen in Donkey Kong!
(intense music)
- [Tom] Greedy outsiders
blow up your temple?
Yeah, we cover that.
- [Emily] Did we do that?
- Let's go.
(gun shot)
- [Crow] So by diversion,
you meant bring them straight to us.
(guns shooting)
♪ They brought lawyers, guns, and mon
- [Emily] Oh boy, just
two weeks from retirement.
(Emily grunts)
(gun shots)
- [Crow] Bet he's regretting
his Jay Leno cosplay.
- [Tom] Hey, I like your hair.
- [Emily] I like yours.
- [Crow] Marty Feldman's got terrible
(Mathias grunts)
(villager yells)
- [Tom] No, this loin cloth is suede!
(water splashing)
- [Emily] Hey buddy, truce?
(Tom chuckling)
- [Crow] Was he the Kool-Aid Man?
- [Tom] Oh no!
- [Emily] She majored in
skampering at Julliard.
- [Crow] On your left, you'll see Cth
one of the Great Old Ones,
rising from his death-like slumber.
- [Tom] I'm really glad they opened u
the Beyond Atlantis Marathon to women
- [Emily] Syrene joins the battle!
- [Crow] But Kathy will not be deterr
- [Tom] Syrene, no!
At this rate, the movie's never
gonna pass the Bechdel Test.
- [Emily] Oh, right into
the village's runoff.
- [Crow] Brooke Shields and Brooke Sh
in "The Grey Lagoon!"
- [Tom] Wow, it's like neither of the
has ever been in a terribly-choreogra
and unbelievable aquatic fight before
- [Emily] Yeah, and it turns
out being in a dense liquid
makes it hard to tussle.
- [Crow] Oh no, Syrene is
roughhousing her to death!
- [Tom] Russ Meyer's "Splash."
- [Emily] When Katie Ledeckys attack!
(Syrene groaning)
- [Crow] Oh, she's a doctor
of Jason Bourne-ology.
- [Tom] For someone with the
breath control of a whale,
she sure choked out fast.
- [Emily] It's like burning
Johnny Storm to death.
(Tom and Emily wince)
- [Crow] Be cool, Kathy.
You just found her body like that.
- [Tom] The island of Sonnies and Che
- [Emily] Tragically, all
three of them called in sick
the day of CPR training.
- [Crow] Temple blew up, but I'll be
as long as my daughter's alive and we
Family's everything.
- [Tom] Her fur-kini is still dry?
- [Emily] Now who's the
prettiest on the island?
(Kathy crying)
- I didn't want to.
- [Crow] Pretend to be
upset, he'll totally buy it.
- [Tom] How ironic.
You land creatures wear ocean colors
while we sea creatures
go with earth-tones.
What a world!
- [Emily] Hey, Nereus, great party, m
We're gonna take off.
- [Crow] Botticelli's "Death of Venus
(tense music)
- [Tom] The most ominous
version of "Chopsticks."
- [Emily] Syrene, can I just tell you
about the sucky day I've had?
- [Crow] Oh, honey, you're shivering.
- [Nereus] Syrene.
- [Tom] These Dip-N-Dots
will see you through
safely to the other side.
(Nereus screams)
- [Emily] Dude, relax,
it was just a prank,
a social experiment!
- [Crow] Uncle Owen?
Aunt Beru?
Masky?
(fire crackling)
- [Tom] The hut-hut-huts are hot-hot-
(drums beating)
- [Emily] Is she signaling a
helicopter to pick them up?
- [Crow] Shouldn't they be
wearing their funeral bikinis?
- [Tom] At the very least,
a dark beige loincloth?
- [Emily] I just wish we
knew if Syrene's okay.
(Tom chuckling)
- [Crow] Oh, that's the
third daughter this month.
- [Tom] So they're just giving up
on the escape part of the plan?
- I killed her.
- Kathy, before she could kill you.
- [Emily] But now I have a taste for
- And I destroyed.
I destroyed my life, too.
My whole life's work.
- [Crow] Skipper, Skipper!
The Globetrotters are coming!
- A culture.
A whole race of people.
- [Tom] Well, like, 20 people.
- I made them extinct.
- [Emily] I killed their Smurfette.
- It didn't work, Matthias.
Okay, this is as far you go.
Both of you back to the boat.
- What the hell are you talking about
- [Crow] Oh, it's a mood beard.
When it's thicker, he's crazier.
- Make a little deal while the rest o
were busy packing the gear.
- I've just about had it with you.
- Come on.
Come on, do it.
- [Tom] Are those buttons,
or is Matthias just chilly?
(eerie music)
- [Emily] We got to go before
the Opening Ceremonies get here.
- [Crow] It's a sad day
for the Mac and Mes.
- Damn it, I knew they had a stash.
Do you see it, Eddie?
- Yeah, I see it.
- So what?
Let's get out of here.
- It's a fortune!
- [All] Gesundheit!
- It's worth a king's ransom!
- [Tom] Who's paying for a kidnapped
- It's no use to the dead.
- Logan, no!
- [Emily] Now will you sign my cast?
- Take it easy, man.
I'll handle it.
- [Crow] You got to sit on
him when he's like this.
- Hold it right there.
Give me those pearls.
I don't wanna hurt you,
but I will if I have to.
- You want these pearls as well?
- [Tom] Wow.
- You may have them.
They are valueless to us now.
- [Emily] They were only
redeemable at WaldenBooks.
- They are yours.
Take them.
- [Crow] He's the head of this tribe,
but the king of passive aggression.
- [Tom] Oh my God, I didn't
think you'd actually do it.
- [Emily] And I'm taking
this giant watercress, too!
- We will proceed.
(somber music)
- [Crow] Geez, oh, he's
tangled in it already.
- Put it down!
Let it go!
Come on, let it go!
- [Tom] Now you're a Logan burrito!
- Let go, let go!
- [Emily] Popped by poppa.
- Bastard!
- You wanna say something to me?
- [Tom] Say it with flowers!
- This is business, man!
This is what we came here for!
Hell, if he'd caused any
problem, I would've shot him.
- [Crow] My precious.
- [Emily] Well, why
don't they just flush her
down the toilet like my goldfish?
- [Tom] It's like a
deconstructed log flume.
- [Crow] Artarians walk
in two straight lines.
The smallest one was Madeline.
- [Emily] To be fair, this
movie makes me want to walk
into the ocean, too.
- [Tom] What a waste of a
perfectly good sushi boat.
- [Crow] I can't wait for
Kathy's doctoral dissertation,
"If I Did It."
- [Emily] I don't think
some of these extras
were prepared for how
deep this was gonna get.
- [Tom] No one was.
- [Crow] Ariel's burial.
- [Emily] Logan can rest easy knowing
he ruined a mermaid's funeral.
- [Tom] What you thinking about?
- [Crow] Pearl stuff.
- [Emily] Looks like
the long arm of the law
caught up with Logan.
- [Tom] Nap time.
That's also how they got Capone.
- They got our weapons
while we were asleep.
- [Crow] But you were so tuckered
out, we just let you rest.
- Alright Manuel, what's coming down?
- [Emily] The box office receipts.
- This is my price for bringing
you back to civilization.
Pearls.
- [All] Pearls!
- And perhaps I will give
each one of you fifty pearls.
- [Emily] Oh, generous.
(intense music)
- [Crow] Oh no, a minor skirmish!
(Kathy gasps)
(Logan and Manuel yelling)
- [Emily] Oh, stop, I put
the pearls in the safe!
This box is just my vacation slides!
- [Crow] Goodbye, Logan.
- No!
- [Tom] My attache!
Monogrammed by my Papa!
- [Emily] Wanna feel old?
This is the Nirvana baby now.
- [Crow] Jetson!
(tense music)
- [Tom] Is he swimming
all the way to heaven?
- [Emily] Bad news, guys.
The atmosphere is completely
unbreatheable down there.
(crew yelling)
- [Logan] Hey, Eddie.
- [Crow] Help.
- [Logan] I got another
proposition for you.
- Throw the rope!
- [Logan] There's a lot
of coral down there.
- [Tom] Logan's got reefer madness.
- Maybe fifty feet down if
it didn't go over the ledge.
Look, even if it did,
a couple of good divers
ought to be able to cover the whole r
in a couple of weeks.
(all laughing nervously)
- [Emily] Why are we laughing?
- [Crow] What's happening?
- [Tom] Did we cut to the blooper ree
What's happening?
- [Crow] I'm scared!
(all laughing nervously)
(all sobbing)
- [Emily] The real pearls were the fr
we made along the way.
(mechanical clanging)
You probably noticed the
soundtrack to "Beyond Atlantis"
featured literally every
genre of music except one.
Until now!
Open your ears and your
big, weird eyeballs
for the hottest supergroup
this side of Minoa.
Hit it, mother-crabbers!
- [Logan] Heard us rapping.
- [East Eddie] Mother-crabbers.
- [Logan] Heard us, heard us rapping.
- [East Eddie] Some
mother-crabbers set trap.
Mother-crabbers.
♪ I'm a mother crabber ♪
♪ A live coral stabber ♪
♪ Open to the waist no
button shirt haver ♪
♪ Hopping on my boat, and
I sail like a regatta ♪
♪ Going through the water
like I'm Nereus's daughter ♪
♪ Swim around the world and
no, I not mind the moisture ♪
♪ When I see a pearl, I'm
gonna pull it out a oyster ♪
♪ Slapping up Manuel and
no, I will never apologize ♪
♪ Never saw an island that
I did not want to colonize ♪
♪ East is east, west is west ♪
♪ And that's a whole pit of
crabs biting on my chest ♪
♪ I'm a mother crabber ♪
♪ Live coral stabber ♪
♪ Open to the waist no
button shirt haver ♪
♪ I'll do 'bout anything
as long it's illegal ♪
♪ At the casino I drop
pearls in my Chivas Regal ♪
♪ If you divvy up my share,
man, that's not right ♪
♪ I'm just trying to get some
roosters for the cock fight ♪
♪ I'm the kinda guy who
dives at the sight of land ♪
♪ Three boats in one boat,
that's a trimaran, man ♪
♪ East is east, west is west ♪
♪ And you can find me wherever
another culture is oppressed ♪
♪ I'm a mother crabber ♪
♪ A live coral stabber ♪
♪ Beard, no mustache, loincloth haver
♪ Threaten me? You must be delirious
♪ I'm strictly serious,
you can call me Nereus ♪
♪ I'm the king, on this
island I am lionized ♪
♪ Only guy from this
island without giant eyes ♪
♪ Need Syrene to mate, to
you it doesn't seem cool ♪
♪ But I need some dudes to
dilute my people's gene pool ♪
♪ East is east, west is west ♪
♪ Stay there ♪
♪ Yeah, that's my main request ♪
♪ I'm a mother crabber ♪
♪ A live coral stabber ♪
♪ Super general science background ha
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What happened to GPC?
- Whoa.
- Oh, well, this is GPC-2.
I wanted her to be lighter
and more maneuverable
so she could hang with us more.
- You can't argue with the results.
Did you hear those bars I just laid d
Doesn't change the fact that I'm a-
- Yeah!
(airhorn blaring)
♪ Mother-crabber, a live coral stabbe
♪ Puka shell necklace, white suit hav
♪ I'm a mother crabber ♪
♪ A live coral stabber ♪
♪ Open to the waist no
button shirt haver ♪
♪ I'm a mother crabber ♪
♪ A live coral stabber ♪
♪ Super general science background ha
- Put some more belly on those crabs!
- Oh, look at those pearls.
- Where my pearls at?
- Where my pearls at?
- Here they are, here they are.
- So what is a mother-crabber, anyway
A mom who goes crabbing?
- It's the song of the
summer's what it is.
♪ I'm a mother-crabber ♪
♪ Tires made of rubber ♪
♪ Thing says it's time to clobber ♪
♪ Fred MacMurray starred in "Flubber"
♪ If you don't want pie,
I got some cobbler ♪
- Just press a button, Max.
- Yeah, we gotta get me in the studio
while I'm spitting heat.
(screen buzzes)