Mystery Science Theater 3000 (2017–2022): Season 3, Episode 2 - Robot Wars - full transcript

-: "Battlepug", what a concept!

-: Max, What are you doing?

Dr. Kabahl-

[Both] The mysterious financier from the future-

-: Will be here any minute,

and you're standing here pretending to read a comic!

-: I, I can read!

I mean, why do I have to meet Kabahl anyway?

You know I don't like those gizmo crap types,

especially from the future.

-: Dr. Kabahl is the Dean of Gizmonic Arts.



He is the money man behind the Gizmoplex.

If I have to meet with him, you have to meet with him!

(electricity crackling)

(both screaming)

-: It is I, Dr. Kabahl.

I am in no need of any further introduction.

Your earlier exposition will suffice.

-: Dr. Kabahl, how nice to see you.

We, uh, we-

-: Nice to meet you again, Max.

-: But we haven't met before.

-: Not in this timeline.

-: Weird.

-: Dr. Kabahl, we have some pretty serious business to discuss



regarding the Gizmoplex.

-: Yes, I already know.

-: You do?

-: Yep.

-: Oh.

Oh, yeah, the time travel thing.

Well, we salvaged what we could of the Gizmoplex.

We even got Growler and M. Waverly to put out the fires.

But now that we are millions of dollars in debt to you,

what does the future say we do?

-: Thank you for asking in the context

of my time spatial perspective

for you see, I have been to the future

and all is not as bleak as it seems.

-: Oh, thank goodness.

I was worried I would start losing my hair soon. (laughs)

-: I mean, that's still gonna happen,

but your ventures in enterprising are not to be denied

for I, Dr. Kabahl, have a new and incredible plan

to make the Gizmoplex profitable beyond your wildest dreams.

-: And the Kingadome too?

-: Sure, what's the diff?

-: (sighs) Thank you, Dr. Kabahl.

Thank you, thank you! (chuckles)

-: I mean, I've never heard her say that,

so I think she really means it.

-: There is one small thing.

-: Oh, a note?

-: From the future?

-: We don't call them notes in the future, but yes.

Here's what you have to do.

Find a second host.

Both: A second host?

-: But we only have one SOL.

-: I'll tell you all about it during the theme song.

(Kinga sighs)

Both: Hit the button, Max.

-: Oh.

(upbeat music)

♪ In the not too distant future ♪

♪ Next Sunday afternoon ♪

♪ The evil Kinga Forrester ♪

♪ She ran her empire from the moon ♪

♪ Her latest plan was the Gizmoplex ♪

♪ A twisted scheme based on stolen specs ♪

♪ Now she's pulling the strings from the old moon base ♪

♪ And she's back to her experiments ♪

♪ With prisoners out in space ♪

♪ I'll send them cheesy movies ♪

♪ The worst motion picture wrecks ♪

♪ La la la ♪

♪ They'll have to sit and watch them all ♪

♪ And we'll stream 'em at the Gizmoplex ♪

♪ La la la ♪

♪ Now keep in mind, they can't control ♪

♪ Where the movies begin or end ♪

♪ La la la ♪

♪ They'll have to keep their sanity ♪

♪ With the help of their robot friends ♪

♪ Robot roll call ♪

♪ Cambot ♪

♪ GPC ♪

♪ Tom Servo ♪

♪ That's me ♪

♪ Crow ♪

♪ If you're wondering how we eat and breathe ♪

♪ And other science facts ♪

♪ La la la ♪

♪ Then repeat to yourself, it's just a show ♪

♪ I should really just relax ♪

♪ For Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♪

-: Yeah, it's real wild.

Hey, everyone.

Welcome to the Satellite of Love.

The bots and I

were just discussing the concept of breathing.

It's pretty heavy stuff.

-: So like you all do this?

All humans breathe?

-: Yeah, all of us do.

I mean, well, not the dead ones, but yeah, pretty much.

-: But you don't really need to breathe, right?

Like, you could just kick the habit eventually.

-: It's not a habit, Crow.

It's a biological function that helps keep me alive.

-: Like love?

-: Uh, oh, Dooney and Bourke are calling.

-: Hello, Peter, Bots, and Mary.

Get ready for another nightmare march

throw unspeakable torment and stuff like that.

-: Yeah!

-: Shut up, Max.

-: Yeah.

-: Take a big mouth full of stale, recycled space stationery

and get with the invention exchanging.

-: Our invention is about something everyone loves, rom-coms.

-: Ah, yes, romantic comedies with their uplifting endings

and adorable leading ladies.

You just wanna eat them up, but you can't!

-: Until now, thanks to-

-: Meat Cute, the exciting new line of spices

that turns romantic comedy into romantic comeda.

all you have to do is add fresh ground meat.

-: Take a taste of When Harry Met Salisbury,

a delicious blend of friendship, bickering,

falling in love, falling out of love,

then back in love again.

-: I'll season, what she seasoning.

-: Or liven up your ground chuck with You've Got Meat,

makes any meat taste like you got it

at an overpriced Upper West Side deli.

-: It's AOL-icious.

-: And vegetarians can try a dash of Meatless in Seattle

on a piece of celery.

-: And of course, all these spices star Meg Ryan.

-: Because if it doesn't have Meg Ryan in it, it's a drama.

What do you think, sirs?

Did we have you at hello?

-: That Meg Ryan rom-com wordplay was delicious.

-: Shut it.

Not bad, Jonah, but after conversing with Dr. Kabahl-

Both: The strange financier from the few.

-: Right, we have an amazing new venture

that will put the viewers at home

in the middle of their own MST3K experience.

Introducing the Simulator of Love,

a state of the art ride simulator for cambots

that puts you on the Satellite of Love.

Complete with animatronic bots,

it will take care of the overflows

since some of the Gizmoplex floors

have been badly damaged from the meteor shower. (chuckles)

The Simulator of Love, coming soon.

-: To the moon!

-: Your experiment today, Heston,

is like a slow motion train wreck,

or to be more precise, a stop motion movie wreck.

Take one part Transformers-

-: Mm-hmm.

-: One part Tech War.

-: Hmm.

-: And one part crap.

-: Hmm.

-: Make that two parts crap.

-: Eww.
-: And you've got "Robot Wars".

That's right, "Robot Wars"!

Crush them, the movie.

Crush them, the movie.

-: Speaking of robot, the movie's called "Robot Wars".

-: Yeah.

Man: Movie in the hole!

-: Meat and Leopold, what does it even taste like?

-: Time Traveling-
(alarm blares)

All: Oh, we got movie sign!

(doors whirring)

(suspenseful music)

Crow: Robot Wars, huh!

♪ Good God, ya'll ♪

♪ What is it good for ♪

♪ Absolutely ♪

(Jonah imitating music)

Jonah: Did the credits just stop at Urban Outfitters?

Crow: Don Michael Paul is Jan Michael Vincent

in Tom Everett Scott's "You, Me, and Dupree".

Tom: If Barbara Crampton doesn't reanimate

a castle freak in this movie, I'm out.

Jonah: Yeah, me too.

Well, you got all this corrosion

'cause robot got an aftermarket T-800 exhaust manifold

on an Ed209 catalytic converter?

(scoffs) That's no good.

Plus, look here, you got R2 unit pistons

on a Johnny Five crank shift under Ultron.

You know, it's a wonder you didn't crack

the whole engine block already.

Yeah, so you're gonna to need a whole new rebuild

is the thing.

Now my cousin at Weyland-Yutoni,

he can cut me a deal on new parts, all right?

But it's still gonna cost you, okay?

Crow: I bet the J stands for

just please don't use my full name.

Tom: Rooney!

Jonah: Albert Band?

Is he related to Dave Matthews band?

♪ The Simpsons ♪

Group: Whoa!

Crow: Ah, they've still got a Garmin, cute.

-: Confirming intruders near marker 475.

Suggest you inform Chief of Operations.

-: Gotta be a security check, Captain.

Nobody in his right mind is going up against this baby.

-: That's what I thought too, Stumpy, before yesterday.

Rooney: Come in.

This is Rooney.

Tom: Rooney!

-: Just happened to be an Opcom, chief,

or are we expecting trouble?

-: Don't be such a wise ass, Drake, mister know it all.

Jonah: Ooh, glass blocks.

So mid-century modern.

-: A marker alarm doesn't necessarily mean a problem.

It could be a coyote took a leak on the sensor.

Crow: They'll never get the Roadrunner that way.

-: Let's take a look on hyper zoom.

♪ Sega ♪

Tom: Hmmm?

Vector lipsticks of the future.

-: If a coyote did that,

he's got a laser gun between his legs.

GPC: Possible side effects

may include weapons discharge and equipment damage.

-: Damn Centros.

-: Intruders at marker 474, sir.

We got ourselves a wild West show.

♪ Wicky wicky wild ♪

-: Did you hear that, Drake?

You're gonna have to throw up a thermal wave

and nip this thing in the bud.

-: Let me take a look see.

Jonah: Stumpy, fire up the peek-a-boo.

-: Chief.

-: Ah, General.

-: How kind of you to schedule an exercise

just for our amusement.

-: General, we never know whether this is the real thing

or if it's something that Washington has cooked up

to keep us on our toes.

-: Ah, the Washington type.

What a lovely bunch of coconuts.

(group laughs)

Crow: Papa, is that you?

Jonah: Oh, no, hey now.

Go easy, it's not.

-: Three perps, three baby carriages.

They're all moving in separate directions.

I'm putting up 100% mag shield and I'm staying stationary.

-: Forget the mag.

Wipe 'em off the screen, soldier.

-: This ain't no drill, Chief,

not this close to the toxic tomb.

-: Who cares?

It's just another local central party.

-: I'm carrying passengers.

Crow: Papa, you wanna have a catch?

Jonah: Hey, it's not your dad, okay?

Crow: Jonah, you're not my real dad!

Tom: So this is first class.

They have to pay extra for the tiny hats.

Jonah: Amtrak, we're getting weirder.

-: How long are we just gonna sit here?

-: I don't know.

Crow: Scorpion fart.

Announcer: Maximum security conditions are now in effect.

Fasten your safety harness and remain seated.

The captain has put on the no smoking sign.

Please extinguish all cigarettes.

-: Oh, my God, we're gonna crash.

Tom: You're on the ground.

-: Come on, it's a standard security trail.

Jonah: Have you forgotten your passenger training?

Announcer: After checking your safety helmets

to make sure the chin strap is snugly in place,

attach the by harness across each shoulder.

And above all, remain calm.

Crow: I'm with mother.

Announcer: Thank you for riding Mega Robot 2.

Jonah: Secret of the Ooze.

-: Well, General, you're getting a ringside seat here.

-: Great pleasure to observe last Mega Robot in combat.

-: You'll see firsthand just exactly why the alliances

need the new Mini Mega series

since the Mares 2 is the only thing that we've got

to stop those Centro punks.

Excuse me.

Colonel Pritchard, will you take care of our guests?

Tom: So do you guys party?

What's up?

-: What do you think, Think?

-: We'll smash them like tortillas.

Jonah: I mean, it is taco night. (chuckles)

♪ Do do pa do pa pa do ♪

Tom: You complete me

♪ Popo pa di pa da pa do do ♪

-: Drake.

-: You rang?

GPC: I rung.

-: I want you to show these guys what the big boy can do.

-: You want me to turn a firefight into a sales pitch?

-: I want you to turn the intruders into stains

and save your little comments for the Sunday funnies.

Tom: You know, I'd go a lot faster if I had wheels.

Just saying.

Crow: I just marked my territory, boss.

Whoa.

-: Tell me it's a bad dream, skipper.

Jonah: Mummenschanz has gone agro.

(lasers blasting)

Crow: On the bot now, Boss has them Duke boys

in a mess trouble down by a Toxic Tomb Creek.

-: Guess who's gonna have to fix this rickshaw.

-: It's getting ugly out here, Chief.

Request surface troops on the double.

-: Request denied.

Crow: Pretty please?

-: Stop acting like a weak sister.

Jonah: Yes, work it, work it.

Show me love!

(lasers blasting)

Crow: Okay, that knocked the lunch out of the old tooter.

-: I got innocent people here.

Call off the force or I'm gonna abort.

-: You'll do what I tell you to do, mister.

They signed a waiver when they bought their tickets.

Now put that mother into gear and kick some ass.

Tom: New Mega 2 play set, now with passenger compartment.

Announcer: Mers 2 has encountered hostile conditions.

Please remain calm.

Your safety is completely assured.

Jonah: And by completely, we mean mostly.

Thank you.

Crow: We should have went to Knott's Berry Farm!

-: Amazing.

You'd think really think we're being attacked.

-: This is no drill.

We are being attacked.

Tom: Kevin!

Jonah: No, my contents have shifted!

Crow: Oh no, her glass menagerie!

Jonah: Oh, Tennessee Williams.

You should have applied for grant money.

Does this ever happen to you?

Tom: Oh, now they're just shaking

a model truck at the camera.

Rooney: Drake, what the hell's going on?

-: We're in a fire from remote controlled laser launchers.

We're triangulating to max shield.

Tom: Lightning bolt.

Lightning bolt!

Lightning bolt!

Lightning bolt!

(woman screams)

-: What was that?

All: We love you, spider.

Tom: I promise not to kill you.

-: What are you gonna do, tin man?

(Jonah chuckling goofily)

-: They mess with the bull,

they get the horn.

Tom: First you get the horn, then you get the money,

then you get the power, then you get the women.

Jonah: Ah, nerds, it's Drake and Stumpy!

Run!

Crow: Here we go.

Target the tank.

A shot of espresso.

Add one more tank.

A pump of hazelnut, and brew!

(explosion booming)

Jonah: Master P, no!

Tom: There goes the entire practical effect budget.

Crow: Meanwhile, at this place.

Jonah: Walking, walking, don't miss your mark.

And start scene.

-: The surface target is eliminated, sir.

Mares 2 might have some damage to the passenger compartment.

Jonah: Leslie Nielsen and Leslie Nielsen

in The Parent Trap.

-: Drake, you okay out there, son?

What about the passengers?

-: Shook up.

♪ Uh huh huh ♪

-: No apparent injuries.

I'm heading back to OpCom.

Let's turn this thing around, Stumpy.

Crow: It's Stumpy's time to shine.

-: Let's see if you can make up some time.

We've got another group.

We've gotta get into Crystal Vista today.

-: Not with me in the cockpit.

-: I always said you were the best robot pilot we had.

Jonah: Are you hitting on me?

-: I'll see you in my office later.

Hook me up to the passenger compartment, Bob.

(Tom clears throat)

Bob: You're on.

-: Good afternoon, passengers

in the Mega Robotic Assault System 2.

This is the North Hemi Operations Chief, WD Rooney.

Group: Rooney!

-: You just concluded a simulated attack

on the MARES 2 security system.

This was only a readiness exercise.

However, if it had been a real emergency,

your safety would have been assured

by the MARES 2 magnetic shield defensive mechanism.

Crow: And your dumb little hats.

-: We thank you for your cooperation,

and we hope you enjoyed

this rare and unforgettable experience.

-: You knew this was a simulation all along.

-: Well, he really had us fooled.

You acted scared as the rest of us.

-: Yeah, I didn't wanna ruin it for you.

Jonah: Meanwhile, at this place again.

-: Right this way, folks.

That's it.

Tom: Welcome to Johnny Rockets.

Have you dined with us before?

We do things a little different around here.

-: Good day.

I'm Lieutenant Plunkett, and I'll be your tour guide

during your stay here at North Hemi.

Please be sure to remain in your coveralls

with your ID badge displayed at all time.

Crow: With the badge in the looking lady.

-: You're with the media.

You should be in a special press group.

-: No, no, I'm here visiting a friend.

I'm on vacation.

-: Very well, as long as you're not using an M quarter.

Jonah: Like the audience, I don't know what that is.

-: Ladies and gentlemen,

MARES 2 is now returning from routine patrol.

Tomorrow morning, we will board the passenger compartment

for an incredible once in a lifetime ride

aboard the world's only surviving Mega robot.

Group: We approve.

-: A stopover in Crystal Vista, a typical American community

which is preserved exactly as it existed

when it was abandoned overnight

during the great toxic gas scare of 1993.

Jonah: Lollapalooza?

-: It's hard to imagine, isn't it,

a time when the world was frightened by toxic waste?

Well, that was way before we here at North Hemi

proved that longterm storage of hazardous materials

can be safe and fun.

Tom: Whoa, nice keister.

Group: Nice keister.

-: Well, I see that MARES 2 has completed

the docking operation and is now unloading passengers.

Believe me,

there's some happy people over there right now.

(Jonah chuckling)

♪ Do not go away from the sign ♪

Crow: Well, a bet's a bet, Drake.

Here's your 10 bucks.

I can't believe you ate 10 cicadas.

Jonah: He looked better in the puffy helmet.

-: That was no simulation.

-: Are you sure?

Tom: Yes, mother.

Jonah: First floor, women's shoes, handbags, wigs.

-: I still can't figure it out.

Was it real or was it simulated?

-: I don't know, let's just get out of here.

Crow: Us too.

-: Annie!

-: Hi!

Tom: Oh!

Crow: Drake putting a B and subtle.

-: Right out with the tour group.

You made it sound like it was urgent.

And you know me, I'm a journalist.

Jonah: Blogging is not journalism.

-: I don't know what I'm dealing with here.

-: Hey, are you all right?

You look like something's really bugging you.

What is it?

-: Oh, some cowboy pretending to be a robot pilot

had to pick this afternoon to prove what an he is.

Tom: That's my cue.

Hold my beer, Stumpy.

-: Excuse me, miss.

Crow: That's your name, right?

-: Did you call me an?

-: You broke my specimen, jerk-off.

-: Oh, now I'm a jerk-off.

-: My grandmother could pilot that robot better than you.

Are you suicidal or just incompetent?

Jonah: Why not both?

-: Are you busy tonight?

-: Excuse me?

-: Let's go to your place.

You know, mine's a mess.

Jonah: Now that's believable.

-: You do have brain damage, don't you?

-: And you have a great-

Crow: Oh, please don't.

-: Set of lips.

-: And you've got a lot of nerve

jeopardizing people's lives for your own amusement.

-: See, Stumpy.

This woman cannot live without me.

I think you need to be, you know, spanked.

Jonah: Well, I'm pretty sure that won her over

and I think, whoa, okay, I was wrong.

-: And I think you need an ice pack.

Come on, let's go.

Tom: What's the opposite of a meet cute?

Jonah: I don't know.

Tom: Beat you?

-: Hey, Rocky, it wasn't my fault.

-: Wow.

-: I like her.

-: She's got some pair of sweater puppies

under those coveralls.

Jonah: The redeeming line we needed.

-: That hellcat's gonna bear my children.

-: Well, I'm thinking you're a little punchy, sir.

She doesn't even like you.

-: I'm thinking you're right.

There was no love tap, my friend.

-: Well, she's got a point.

We got no right dragging tourists into a firefight.

-: What am I supposed to do, Stumpy, ignore a direct order?

Crow: Sure.

-: Those bastards at OpCom

want everyone to think it's for show.

-: Well, she's no dope, that lady.

Maybe she'll blow the whistle to the press.

-: Yeah, I hope she does.

I've had it up to here.

-: Now, captain, no,

now don't start saying you're gonna quit.

You're not gonna quit.

-: Yeah, I am.

This time, I am.

Put a fork in me, I'm done.

Jonah: Use a spoon, it'll hurt more.

Rooney: You like Wa-Lee?

Tom: Wa-Lee?

-: I like.

-: Well, you can arrange to have the same buggy, gentlemen.

Jonah: I'll throw in the undercoating.

-: Well, half that size

and without the assault weapons, of course,

but it will be fully equipped to protect your toxic zones.

-: As long as we have limited weapon components.

-: You got it, Sing Sing.

-: It's one Sing.

Tom: -ular sensation.

-: Done deal.

Our alliance is a peaceful one.

Tom: And fashion forward.

-: Our borders are not in dispute as yours are.

-: Is that a crack, general?

Jonah: You want a piece of me?

-: What General Wa-Lee is most interested in

is the entertainment aspects of-

-: Shut up, Sing Sing.

Jonah: But I'm talking about Shaft.

-: I am most interested in the entertainment aspects

of large robotic security systems.

-: Then I think you'll like this news.

I've arranged for you to travel aboard the MARES 2

to Crystal Vista before you leave North Hemi.

-: That is good news.

-: I have authorized it for you to ride up front,

behind the pilot, in the cockpit.

Crow: In a big boy seat.

-: Allow me to return the honor.

Tonight, my officers and I will conduct

a traditional Shim Ku ceremony.

You and your officers and their guests

are welcome to observe.

-: Well, thank you, General.

That sounds very interesting.

Jonah: He bought it.

Tom: Barb and Star Go To Crystal Vista del Mar.

-: Lina, you're asking me to believe

the whole ghost town's a fake?

Crow: I can't hear you.

I'm in the fog machine.

-: That little town that was supposedly abandoned in 1993

get built above a layer of infrasorb 8.

Jonah: Hmm, sorbet.

-: Which wasn't even in vented until 20 years later.

-: You're absolutely sure it's infrasorb 8?

-: Yeah.

Tom: Don't play with mommy's special dirt, dear.

-: And a foot thick in every test I dug,

which means there's something under Crystal Vista

they don't want satellite pictures to reveal.

Crow: Anyway, which of these headshots do you like?

-: Look at these.

Jonah: Phrasing.

-: I encoded them yesterday.

Tom: Valve, colonoscopy.

-: What's this supposed to be?

-: A secret tunnel.

Crow: Secret tunnel!

-: I found it looking for an wall safe

in the basement of city hall.

-: Come on, what would somebody be hiding under a ghost town?

Jonah: Another even older ghost town?

-: How about a huge cache of weapons?

Tom: No, thanks, I just ate.

-: Weapons that were supposed to have been destroyed

during the triworld arms reduction treaty of 2021.

-: All you've got is infrasorb 8 and some photos of a tunnel.

-: I don't know, wait a minute.

Crow: Got some more exposition here somewhere.

-: Take a look at this picture

from the old Mega 1 robot manual.

Jonah: Say, Miss Interoceter.

-: You know what this is?

-: Micron transponder.

Jonah: Sure, why not?

-: Right.

I've been on this for weeks, Annie.

Crow: I've got two whole pictures and some dirt.

-: I don't know.

(mechanical doors closing)

-: Almost done with this quiz to find my ideal mate.

According to this, he's elusive, avoidant, smoldering.

He's Stumpy!

-: Oh, you're helpless.

-: Well, how are things with Drake?

-: His place is a mess, and you have to punch him in the face

every now and again.

But when we're together, it's like

all my magnetic shield defense mechanisms are down.

(explosions blast)

-: Whoa, whoa!

-: Hey, I'm trying to do my nails!

-: Hi, girls.

-: What is it, Diane?

-: Well, the passengers, they're worried

that we're being attacked by Centros.

Maybe you can make an announcement

seeing as you're already live on the PA

and we can hear your whole conversation anyway.

Okay, thank you.

-: (clearing throat) Attention, passengers.

We've hit some light chop,

which may or may not be a simulation.

-: Please stay seated with your tiny helmets secure.

-: We've reached our walking altitude of 200 feet

so snack service will resume shortly, Diane.

Diane: Sorry.

-: Thank you for scuttling with MARES 2.

-: So anyway, you were telling me about Drake.

-: Hey.

Hey, you can't see it under these ear flaps,

but my ears, they're burning.

-: Uh, shouldn't you be piloting, Captain?

-: Ah, I'm just getting some fresh air

after the old Stump-meister let one out in the cockpit.

Talk about a great toxic gas scare. (laughs)

Oh, yeah!

-: Hey!

-: Oh, man.

I don't know what it is about food.

It just tastes better when I take it.

I'll see you guys there.

-: Hey, those are,

oh, wow, girl.

I don't know what you see in him.

You know how there are people who are so close to being hot

but there's that one thing that ruins it.

-: Uh-huh.

-: Drake's whole thing is that one thing.

-: Oh, well, you're just jealous.

-: You're right, I'm jealous.

-: You're peanut butter and jelly.

-: Hey, girls.

I just want to remind you again that you are on the PA

and we can hear everything you're saying.

-: Don't care, Diane!

-: I'm sorry.

Also, one of the passenger's test tubes, they broke,

and I don't really know how to dispose of these things.

-: Attention, passengers.

Diane will be coming around to collect trash

and errant infrasorb 8 samples.

-: Oh, but I told you, I don't know how to-

-: Diane, we were talking about Drake!

-: Ooh, Drake, he's dreamy.

-: I'm an advertising executive

whose brilliance is inextricably linked

to my addictive personality.

But anyway, my seat is on fire.

-: Diane!

-: I'm sorry!
(alarm blares)

We got movie sign!

(doors whirring)

Tom: Uh-oh, here comes the human restraining order.

Rooney: Well, well, well.

-: I got a little present for you, Chief.

Hear the ocean?

-: What, no.

-: Me neither.

This proves that the Centros are firing us

with weapons made by the Eastern Alliance.

-: That hunk of junk doesn't prove anything.

-: Look at it!

Crow: It's a living.

(Jonah grunting)

-: You're too negative, Drake, and that's your problem.

Yes, way too negative.

You're a walking minus sign.

-: You must have grown up in old California

with too much sun.

Let me ask you a question.

Was your daddy rich and your mama good looking?

-: You're cruising for a court martial, buster boy.

Tom: That's buster bro!

-: The Eastern Alliance is on our side.

So they sell a few weapons to the Centros.

We sell a few to them.

Jonah: Hey!

-: So what, it's good business.

-: Stop the tours.

-: I'm not gonna take any crap from the Centros.

-: Stop the tours, please.

-: You still don't get it, do you?

Crow: Nope.

-: If we don't sell many megs to the Eastern Alliance,

then the North Hemi economy is gonna go belly up.

Money, Drake.

We're talking money here.

-: Not we, you.

You're talking about money.

I'm talking about human beings, man, life.

-: Life, grow up, huh?

I don't understand how you-

(Tom grunting)

can mention in the first place.

You don't have the killer instinct.

-: Take a real long look at these eyes

and tell me what you see.

Crow: Okay, binge drinking, negging, game theory,

and personal space violations.

Jonah: My God, you're beautiful.

-: Okay.

All right.

Now, why don't you take a long vacation?

Try New Chicago.

I understand it's nice and windy this time of year.

Jonah: You're nice and windy this time of year!

-: You know, your little Asian friends

are gonna get their asses shot off out there.

Tom: Little?

-: Then where are you gonna be?

-: You're off the pilot roster, mister.

-: The sooner, the better.

-: Dismissed!

Tom: That's mister dismissed.

-: And don't go near your Wa-Lee and Sing

if you know what's good for you.

-: How do you sleep at night, Rooney?

Crow: Oh, with a CPAP machine and a hemorrhoid girdle.

(upbeat percussion music)

Jonah: Come on down to Bordertown Buffet

where you can battle in our Thunder Diner.

Winner receives a free appetizer dessert.

And don't forget about Master Blaster Mondays

where our kids eat free.

Bordertown Buffet, two men enter, nobody leaves hungry.

Tom: We call next.

Crow: Not the bees!

Not the bees!

Oh, my eyes!

(suspenseful music)

Jonah: Oh, pride month gets real intense over here.

Crow: Oh, ha ha!

Guard, turn, dodge, spin, soft thrust!

Tom: Are they doing wars?

-: How's your face?

Jonah: Unpleasant.

-: I'll live.

-: He was cuter before you popped him.

-: Shut up, Annie.

Have you met Annie?

Tom: Annie, get your gun.

-: Hello, Annie.

-: Hi.

Hi, handsome.

-: I'm Drake.

This here is my ace mechanic, Stumpy, the Stump Man.

Jonah: El Stumperino.

Tom: Ooh, right in the coconuts.

Crow: Hey, drummers, do you mind?

I'm trying to concentrate.

Jonah: Hmm, so this is what light savers sound like

without batteries.

Body blow, body blow!

(audience applauds)

Tom: Ermac wins.

Bability.

Crow: You're my brave little man.

I'm so proud of you. (kissing)

(soft music)

Jonah: Good evening, Clarice.

-: Captain Drake, would you care to go toe to toe

with a little Shimku.

Shall we dance?

♪ Du dup dup dup ♪

-: No, thank you, General.

My feet are killing me.

-: Poor excuse for the year 2041.

Crow: 2041?

I thought we'd have jet packs by now.

-: I hear the captain was a worthy disciple of ancient arts.

-: It was an elective at the academy.

I got a C-.

-: You're too modest.

Jonah: Is he though?

-: I demand you honor me with Tudawoki.

Please.

Tom: Stumpy, if I don't come back,

spread my ashes in the jacuzzi.

(chuckles) Yeah.

Jonah: C minus!

Crow: Does this bug you?

I'm not touching you.

Does this bug you?

Jonah: Yes.

-: We'll meet again, Captain Drake.

-: Yeah, we'll do tea.

♪ Walking in Memphis ♪

♪ But do I really feel the way I feel ♪

Annie: Oh, I wanna get into his uniform.

-: (chuckles) Annie, please.

Jonah: He's pretty nice.

-: Will you stop?

You're gonna make yourself crazy.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen.

-: He's mine.

-: We'll be happy to answer any questions you have

about Mega robots as we make our way toward our destination.

Please don't hesitate to ask.

I'm here to help.

Jonah: Blanche from the "Golden Girls"

wasn't this hard up.

-: You know what I think?

-: Hmm.

-: I think you really missed the boat with that Drake guy.

-: Annie.

-: Fine, okay, not another word.

-: Thank you.

Crow: There's something on the wing!

-: This is your pilot captain, Bull.

I just wanted to tell you that we're right on schedule,

and we should be pulling into

beautiful downtown Crystal terminal in about one hour.

So why don't you just sit back and enjoy the ride?

Jonah: We're the 40-minute soft rock block

on Q101.

-: You really think he's all right?

-: Who?

Tom: Literally every man you see.

-: Drake.

-: I thought you didn't care.

-: I don't.

Crow: Shut up.

You are, ooh.

-: Girl, you got it bad.

-: Okay, forget it, forget it.

Let's just concentrate on Crystal Vista, okay?

-: Okay.

-: Mm-hmm.

Jonah: Improved scene.

-: And you're gonna come back from here empty handed.

I'm gonna find a micron transponder.

Jonah: Oh yeah, the plot.

-: And you are gonna get your story, capisce?

-: Uh-huh.

(Tom muttering in Italian)

You got it real bad. (laughs)

Crow: So wait, the spanking line worked?

Jonah: I guess it did.

-: I guess Centros are taking a siesta today, sir.

-: Hold your tongue, mister.

My special ops are sweeping a 40-mile corridor out there.

Let's give credit where predator is due, huh?

-: And what about General Wa-Lee's request?

-: Oh, send him out in the afternoon.

-: Well, do you really think that's a good idea?

(Jonah imitating shoes squeaking)

-: Yes, I do.

I think it's a swell idea.

I think it's a capital idea.

If I didn't, I wouldn't have suggested it now, would I?

Crow: Capisce?

-: No, sir.

-: Don't think too much, Pritchard.

♪ I think too much ♪

Gives you migraines.

Jonah: What's this stuff.

-: Oh, one other thing.

General Wa-Lee's requested Drake to be his pilot.

Jonah: And God as his co-pilot.

-: I don't think that's possible, sir.

-: Well, are you thinking again?

-: No, sir.

Captain Drake volunteered for the special ops mission

going out to the quarter.

Crow: The panty raid.

-: That crazy flyboy is out there

playing Cowboys and Indians with the grunts?

-: Well, you know Drake, sir.

Jonah: Not biblically, but.

-: I hope he gets his balls shot off.

Group: So say we all.

Tom: Ooh, I love this open floor plan.

Crow: Yeah, you can see from the kitchen

all the way through to the family room.

Tom: There's so much room for entertaining.

Crow: You know how you love to entertain.

Jonah: And it's a great neighborhood for kids.

Tom: End scene.

Jonah: That's pretty good, guys.

Alas, poor Yorick's helmet.

(group speaks in foreign language)

-: What would John Wayne do?

Jonah: Say something racist.

-: Remember the Alamo!

Jonah: Yup, like that.

I guess they remembered it.

Crow: And down goes Daft Punk.

Tom: Swift and graceful and stealthy as a marionette.

Jonah: Oh, they're so cute when they're napping.

Crow: Guys, don't move, okay?

-: Captain.

Crow: Ugh, spawn camper.

-: Captain, did you see the whites of their eyes?

Drake: Let's get this off me sometime today.

Jonah: Wait, Drake needed help with that?

-: Here you go.

Crow: Grab my fungal hand.

-: Well, at least she didn't wreck the Mega robot.

Tom: Why, what have you heard?

-: Are you saying I'm a Sunday driver?

-: No, no, no, no, skip.

This was clearly a drive-by shoot.

Jonah: Is he wearing a sleeveless Snuggy?

-: How about some tequila?

-: Is there worm in it?

-: No.

-: Forget it.

(Jonah imitating glass shattering and cat screeching)

I never drink the cheap stuff.

-: What the hell is Centros doing way out here?

Jonah: You know, just chilling, through their thing.

-: Oh, my.

Crow: Somebody dropped a Switch.

Mine now.
-: Oh, man, look at this.

A tittle present for the boys at the lab.

-: That ought to give those nerds a bionic boner.

Jonah: Hey.

-: Where's the rescue party?

-: Oh, man.

You're it, Stumpy.

Jonah: Oh, they're screwed.

-: Don't get too close, Captain.

You got a bit of a smell about you.

Jonah: White Privilege by Chanel.

-: How would you like to take a nap under that junk?

-: No, no, Skip.

I'm claustrophobic.

I start hearing voices and seeing things,

you know, lizards and funny little colored creatures.

-: We're gonna get you a good bottle of tequila

when we get back to operations.

I want you to lay off that bug juice you've been tipping.

You you hear me?

Huh?

Jonah: Yeah, I can quit whenever I want.

-: Yeah, yeah.

You know, we're robot men, Captain.

What are we doing out here in a grit and grime

where people can blow our away?

We're supposed to be indestructible.

Crow: You know, like the Titanic, or the seal industry,

or GameStop stocks, or Beanie Babies,

or America's love for James Corden.

Tom: Newly sober and mated for life,

the North Hemi robot men begin the long lonely march

across the desert territory,

ever mindful of the natural predator, the Centro,

before finally depositing their eggs,

warm and safe beneath the pristine sands of Crystal Vista

and beginning the life cycle anew.

Jonah: Excuse me.

Do you know where the little scorpions room is?

Announcer: North Hemi Recreational Services

reminds you to observe all rules and regulations

during your visit to this authentic 1990s era ghost town.

Crow: Seattle.

Announcer: Disturbance or removal of any object

is strictly forbidden.

Jonah: What with all that radiation and all.

(Jonah chuckling)

Announcer: You may now exit the passenger compartment.

Thank you, and have a pleasant stay in Crystal Vista.

Jonah: Please allow passengers with connecting scorpions

to exit first.

-: Ladies and gentlemen, MARES 2 has completed the dock.

If you'll please follow me, we'll proceed out the door,

down the ramp, into the elevator and to the terminal.

Crow: And please don't eat anything.

Jonah: Whoa, guys, look.

It's the elevator lobby set again!

Crow: From earlier in the movie.

(group cheers)

Jonah: And they're going back in like they did before!

Cinema.

Crow: Hey, watch the man spreading.

-: Now, ladies and gentlemen,

don't forget your tour packs at the counter.

Ah, and at this time I'd like to introduce

your MARES 2 pilot, Captain Will Boles.

-: Thank you, Lieutenant.

Jonah: Please clap.

-: Well, I hope you'll enjoy yourselves.

I think you'll find Crystal Vista

to be both fascinating and informative,

and I'll see you back here tonight for our return home.

Have a good time.

Jonah: I'll be at the bar.

-: The robot's not waiting here for us?

(Jonah imitating whooshing)

-: Are you kidding?

They keep it going constantly.

No, they'll bring in a new group when they pick us up.

(Jonah imitating beeping)

-: You know, it just doesn't make sense

the North Hemi's hiding weapons here.

If they were,

they wouldn't have all these is coming and going.

-: I'm not asking you to make sense of it.

Just look at what I have to show you.

Jonah: Dianetics.

-: It's Dr. Finn and her friend from the media.

Jonah: Blogger.

-: Oh, I'm not here as a journalist exactly.

I'm just visiting my old friend.

Jonah: We met online.

-: Are you going to be staying with the group

or going on your projects?

-: My project, but we'll ride into town

with the rest of the group if that's all right.

-: That's fine.

Crow: Totally fine, fine, fine-rino.

-: Well, here you are, folks.

The last surviving example

of a typical Southwestern community from the days

when the Southwest was actually part of the United States.

Jonah: Get off the stage!

Boo!
-: Well, as people around here

used to say those days,

ladies and gentlemen, have a nice day.

Jonah: You're not funny!

When he raises his tail, it means he likes you.

Have a nice day.

Watch your step.

I'm Ed Begley, Jr.

Oh my gosh, Barb, did you see that restaurant?

Crow: I know, Star.

I wanna stop by the souvenir shop first though.

Jonah: Oh yeah, of course.

-: Let's stick with the group for a minute.

-: Okay, but do you think we have enough time?

Jonah: Yeah, the plot can wait.

-: Sure.

Jonah: Oh, our table at the Cheesecake Factory is ready.

-: I didn't know that Centro's had anything like this.

Rooney: What is it?

-: The sat bound signal layer.

Crow: Stumpy, put your shirt on.

We're rolling.

-: What do you mean?

-: Their satellites don't use

this type of signal compression.

I'll have to run some tests on it

before I can give you a guess

as to what they're doing with it.

-: All right, get right on it.

Tom: Make me proud.

-: Hey, Bud.

-: Yes, sir.

-: Where are those kind

of sat bound singulators manufactured?

-: Most of this stuff comes out of Asia, sir.

Jonah: Well, I quit.

-: Is this your idea of a little R&R, Drake, Stumpy?

Crow: Button me.

-: Skimming the desert, looking for trouble?

-: Chief, we didn't look for them.

They found us.

-: This place is jumping with Centros.

-: Well, a few rotten beans

aren't gonna ruin this barrel, Drake.

-: Look, sir.

-: What?

Tom: Chicken butt.

-: Something smells out there.

Stumpy: Skip, Skip.

-: Shut up, I don't wanna hear a word.

These Centros have got a bug in the air about something.

And before we're up to our necks in wax,

we gotta find out what it is.

-: You know, Drake, you're beginning to get on my last nerve.

Jonah: And I'm in movie.

-: If you send Wa-Lee and his officers into that corridor,

they're gonna get whacked, dead.

-: Your mood shifts didn't figure into my plans, Drake.

General Wa-Lee and his staff are already aboard MARES 2

and moved to Crystal Vista.

In fact, I would imagine right about now,

General Wa-Lee is having the time of his life.

-: Rooney.

Jonah: Rooney.

-: Skip, skip, I think I owe you a drink.

Tom: Chastened, the rival acquiesces,

and the silverback retains his dominance over the troops.

I'm David Attenborough.

Crow: When is it gonna transform back into a semi truck?

Jonah: Oh, you're so tense.

-: Is this the stride adjuster?

-: Yes, it is, general.

Why don't you hold onto this control right here?

Tom: What, this one?

Ah, yes, this is one hot banana.

-: Op Com to MARES 2, this is Chief Rooney.

Jonah: Good buddy.
-: Yes, Opcom, this is MARES 2.

-: General Wa-Lee, can you hear me?

-: I'm right here, Chief Rooney, having a great time.

-: Well, I'm glad to hear that, general.

-: Captain Boles let me drive the robot.

How am I doing?

-: I think you'd make a fine robot pilot, sir.

I hope your officers are enjoying their ride

in the passenger compartment.

-: Oh, they are.

Here, let me show you.

Crow: I installed nanny cams in the cabin.

Rooney: You picked up our assistance

pretty quickly, General.

-: Oh, I'm a big, big fan of Mega robots.

-: Well, I'll let you continue with your fun, General.

You're in good hands with Captain Boles.

-: Thank you, Chief Rooney.

MARES 2, signing off.

Tom: I'll get you in the flippy flop.

-: You handle the robot like a real pro, General.

Jonah: May I kiss you?

Crow: Oh, there's some '90s over there.

Look, oh, they're giving out Pokemons.

Jonah: Ooh.

Tom: Step right up and see the outstanding empty window.

Jonah: Brought my towel.

The past makes me sweaty.

(doors whirring)

-: Hey Crowseph, where did you get that sweet Sega Dreamcast?

-: It was a free gift.

All we have to do is listen to a short presentation

on some '90s town.

-: Oh, ho, ho.

Did I hear someone say they're a fan of the '90s?

-: I mean-

-: Not really.

-: If so, you're gonna love hearing

about all the unique opportunities in Crystal Vista.

Hit a rock-apella.

(upbeat music)

Booyah!

You might be asking,

What's crack-a-lacking in Crustal Vista?

Well, you can start your day

at the "Pulp Fiction" Luncheonette

where you can shout down on a Royale with Cheese.

-: Ooh, that's what they call it in gay Paris.

-: Oh.

-: And then dance the night away in the Hall of Arsenio

as President Saxophone rocks the Lollapalooza festival.

Yeah, what if God was one of us?

Group: Just a stranger on a bus?

-: Your friends will be green with envy when they see you

riding our new rollercoaster, Wrath Mountain.

-: What's in the box?

-: You are, schwing!

Yeah, baby.

There's also the Rap Rock Villa

designed by Fred Durst and Frank Gehry.

-: Wow, Durst and Gehry together last.

-: Finally, take a chill pill

at MC Hammer-themed massage spa, Can Touch This.

-: Wow. 1990s Crystal Vista sounds amazing!

-: Yeah.

Just if you're interested, I can sign you up right now.

It'd just take a little bit.

I'll just go and sign into my AOL account.

-: All right.

Hey, what's that weird beeping noise?

-: Okay, that is the modem, my friend.

Like everything in Crystal Vista, authentic to the '90s.

-: Cool.

-: This will just take a bit.

So you guys into inline skating or-

-: No.

I have a question.

-: Yeah, go for it.

-: Does that movie theater play anything else but "Titanic"?

-: Oh, no, "Titanic" is on a loop 24 hours a day.

Every third Thursday though, you can see it in reverse.

It makes it for a happier ending

'cause everything's stoked in 1990s Crystal Vista.

-: (chuckles) I'll tell you,

that Stumpy sure can lay down an analogy, can't he?

It's almost like-

-: Like a pair of suspenders at a belt convention.

-: Well, that's not really what I was getting at.

-: Like a corn kernel at the barber shop.

-: No, you're not understanding how to do this, Crow.

-: Like an uncle in a field of fathers!

-: No, no!

(alarm blares)

Oh, movie sign!
-: Movie sign!

You go this way, I go that way.

(doors whirring)

(suspenseful music)

Crow: Wow, they're really cheaping out

on this crowd scene.

Jonah: Yeah.

Tom: Come on, Annie, let's do some thinking.

Jonah: Yeah!

-: I presume we're going some place we're not supposed to.

Jonah: Hobby Lobby?

-: Okay.

If we run into a security guard,

we're looking for the tour group, all right?

Crow: And if we run into the tour group,

we're looking for a security guard.

Jonah: Got it.

(ominous music)

Jonah: Okay, we hack the mainframe and we're in.

Now, we just need to inject the Boolean algorithm,

bounce it off the flop ray, and the data vault will be ours.

Group: Hack the planet!

Jonah: Wanna see if we still remember

our locker combinations?

-: Let's start down here, all right?

Jonah: I'll take that as no.

Crow: Isn't this a high school where they shot

all those John Hughes movies, you know, "15 Candles",

"Pretty in Yellow", "The Brunch Club",

"Ferris Bueller's Day Back", "Platoon".

Jonah: Well, I don't know if that last one.

Crow: "Platoon".

Tom: Let me get this straight.

He told me not to think.

But even thinking about him saying that is me thinking.

Oh, I'm doing this wrong.

-: What's going on with the run?

-: Steady as she goes,

it's clear all the way to Crystal Vista.

-: What's the ETA?

-: It should be docking in about an hour.

Jonah: Or six quibbies.

-: Wa-Lee is having more fun

than a 16-year-old in a cat house. (laughs)

Crow: You know how teens love cats.

-: How's his driving?

Hitting the cactus yet.

Jonah: Cacti, sir.

-: Not yet, sir.

-: We'll give him time.

Thank God it's not an old fashioned freeway.

He'd be banging off Chevys like a pinball. (laughs)

Jonah: Bill Maher doesn't even laugh

at his own jokes as much.

(Tom chuckling)

Tom: The search for Walt Disney's head continues.

Crow: Hey, with all the wet and damp down here,

it's prime condition for a full roach infestation.

You see one, there's thousands more you can't see.

We're gonna have to tent the whole place.

Jonah: Hello, New Cleveland.

Crow: Oh, Tool must be getting ready

to shoot a video down here.

-: Remember those underground tunnels I showed you?

-: Yeah.

Tom: These are like those, but the same.

-: I'll go first.

I know the way.

-: Boy, this is some vacation.

Crow: Rocky, you're gotta eat lightning

and you're gotta crack thunder.

Kick pin them in the ribs, you see.

Don't let that bastard breathe.

Ah, you're above it, Rocky.

-: Here's to the past glory of the robot service.

-: To the best robot captain in the North Hemi.

Jonah: And the best Stumpy at this table.

-: I'm out, Stumpy.

Jonah: And I'm proud.

-: Rooney's gonna transfer me out.

-: Oh, he's not that stupid.

-: I'm nothing more to him

than Ralph Cramden on the Shortline bus.

-: Who's Ralph Cramden?

Crow: And what's a bus?

-: You don't have the Mega stuff.

He's the great one, man.

Jack Gleason, here's to him.

-: I'll drink to that.

Jonah: These guys would drink to a light breeze.

-: That bitch, Leda.

Jonah: Whoa.

-: Who the hell does she think she is?

Jonah: Oh, she's a woman you barely know

who hits you after you harassed her.

-: I don't need her, Stumpy.

I don't need this job, and I don't need that freaking robot.

-: If North Hemi cuts a deal with Eastern Alliance

to build the mini meg series, they'll destroy MARES 2,

just like they did Mega 1.

-: You weren't around back then.

How do you know?

-: My grandfather and his crew tried to hide pieces

of Mega 1 before the salvagers got to them.

(Drake laughs)

(Jonah wheezes)

-: How the hell do you hide a Mega robot?

Crow: In the DVD Easter eggs.

-: I guess you don't.

You get caught.

Jonah: No, no, Stumpy, that's Listerine, don't.

Oh!

Tom: Daphne and Velma, the early years, tonight on Fox.

-: Oh my God, look at this.

Crow: You look, I'm bitter.

-: These are micron transponders.

Jonah: What?

-: From the manual I showed you, remember?

Jonah: Oh.

-: They were supposed to have been destroyed

when the Mega 1 series was scrapped for salvage

but they're here.

-: Oh my God, you were right.

Jonah: I'm not sure about what.

I haven't really been paying attention.

But I am a supportive friend.

-: Now what?

-: I don't know.

-: Where does this ladder go?

Crow: Who cares?

-: Up, I suppose.

-: Well, can we please climb it?

I need to get some air.

I'm starting to feel like a mole.

-: You are way too sensitive.

-: What was that?

-: What?

-: I think we have company.

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've transponders for you ♪

♪ Where the robots have wars and wars and wars ♪

♪ Beep boop-a-dee boo ♪

Jonah: Hey ese, don't you know I'm loco? (chuckling)

Crow: And this is what used to be called a salad bar.

Jonah: Ooh, ahh.

(soft music)

Hey, remember America?

Wild.

54 Puppet Master movies?

No wonder they all died off.

(Tom imitating "Super Mario Bros." music)

-: What were those noises?

(crow imitating crow cawing)

-: I don't know.

Church mice?

-: In a school?

Jonah: At this time of year, at this time of day,

in this part of the country,

localized entirely within this basement?

Yeah, yeah, right.

Tom: This is like an escape room at the Home Depot.

(Tom imitating footsteps)

♪ Rock rock rock rock ♪

♪ Rock and roll high school ♪

-: You did hear that.

-: Maybe it was some noisy tourists.

-: Screw the story.

Let's just get outta here.

Jonah: Yeah, we'll steal a Thunderbird

and drive off a cliff.

-: I'll meet you back at the terminal.

-: I'm not leaving without you.

-: Go on, get outta here.

-: You get crazier every year.

-: Go!

Crow: Go on, get!

-: You've got 15 minutes

and then I'm gonna call the international guard.

-: All right, I'll be there in 10.

Go on.

Jonah: Get.

Man, she is not dress for this weather.

Crow: Bang!

Tom: Tonight on "Riverdale", Betty's ultimatum.

Jonah: Crystal Vista community college presents

Barbara Crampton in "Rent".

♪ 525,600 Stumpies ♪

Crow: Bang!

Jonah: Now what would John Wick do?

(all shout)

Tom: Crystal Vista, the big CV, '90s town.

Beyond its cotton candy pipes and neon pantsuits,

there's maybe a baker's dozen worth of stories.

And baby, this ain't one of 'em.

Group: Surprise!

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Jonah: Oh no!

He was the best of us!

Oh, I knew I shouldn't have crushed

all those Big Gulps at the food court.

-: Ladies and gentlemen,

thank you very much for your patience.

I know you had a good time today.

We'll be ready to board the robot just as soon-

Jonah: Oh God, he's so boring.

I can't believe I thought he was cute.

Tom: Thermos for you.

Here is your Thermos.

And you also get a Thermos, Bill.

Now everyone, look at your thermoses.

-: Hot diggity damn, this has been a splendid demonstration.

And you, Captain Boles, excellent robot master.

Jonah: Yeah.

Yeah, I got all your DMs last night, okay?

Boles: Yes, Crystal Vista terminal, this is MARES 2.

We're ready to begin initial docking procedures.

Tom: Ooh, are they gonna mate?

Jonah: Yeah.

-: We're running a few minutes late, folks.

It should be anytime now.

-: Excuse me.

I'm a little worried about my friend, Leda.

Crow: Just go now.

-: Leda.

Dr. Leda Fanning.

She hasn't been checked off.

Jonah: Check under banana fana fo Fanning.

-: Could we hold the robot for her?

Crow: Dakota fo Fanning.

-: She'll have to wait for the next run.

(suspenseful music)

Jonah: Help.

Are you home, Oscar?

No, dang it.

Maybe Mr. Hooper's in the store.

Crow: Sounds like she's run

all the way into "The Pelican Brief".

-: Okay, hold, what's going on?

-: They're here!

-: Who's here?

-: The Centros.

-: Centros?

-: Yeah, the whole town is crawling with them.

-: What are you talking about?

-: They're coming, I tell you.

(laser blasts)

Jonah: Khaki force, go!

Crow: Pink ranger, retreat!

-: All right, folks, we are ready to board.

-: Lieutenant.

-: It looks like your friend-

Jonah: It's the elevator set again, guys.

-: Ladies and gentlemen, please.

Tom: Come on, let's do some crimes.

Jonah: I got crimed!

(crowd screams)

For the 'gram!

No.

Crow: It's always like this

getting tickets to "Hamilton".

-: What the hell is going on here?

Jonah: I said no parties!

-: Thank you for the tour,

but all good things must come to an end.

(laser blasting)

Jonah: Oh, I give it three stars.

-: Oh my God, they're hijacking the robot.

Crow: Again.

-: This is mutiny, General!

Crow: No, it's mutiny.

Oh, I mean yes.

-: Lock up all the hostages in the passenger compartment

and secure the town.

Jonah: And be sure to like and subscribe.

-: We won!

Crow: Wa-Lee, Wa-Lee!

Jonah: Wa-Lee, Wa-Lee.

Tom: Eva, Eva.

-: What the hell is going on?

Jonah: They love Pixar over there.

-: Is this is another one of your migraine attacks?

-: They've got the robot.

-: What are you babbling about, Wa-Lee?

Have you been into the Mega juice?

-: In your dreams, you lazy North Hemi slow.

Jonah: Boom, roasted.

-: While you take your sweet Western nap,

I learned the whole nine robot yards.

Jonah: Yar!

-: Wa-Lee, how can you do this to me?

I treated you with respect.

-: Next time I bow to you, you can kiss my ass.

Crow: Wa-Lee,. I'm getting mixed signals.

-: Where's Boles?

I wanna talk to Captain Boles.

-: Boles?

He's on what you call 20th century ice.

Tom: Word to your mother.

Jonah: Why do the good ones always break your heart?

-: Richard, find me Drake.

-: I think he's indisposed.

-: Did you say think?

Jonah: No, but I thought it.

-: No, sir.

-: Fine.

Damn!

Jonah: Jeez, I lost another sale.

Witness me

do the shimmy.

Tom: Oh, breast massage and heat?

Yes, please.

♪ Moving to the country ♪

♪ Gonna eat a lot of peaches ♪

♪ Moving to the country ♪

♪ Gonna eat a lot of peaches ♪

Crow: Hello, wall.

♪ Moving to the ♪

Hey, other wall.

♪ Gonna eat a lot of peaches ♪

♪ Gonna eat a lot of peaches ♪

Oh, the door to Narnia.

Jonah: Hello, John Malkovich.

Crow: Uh-oh, now they're in trouble.

Annie wants to speak to the scorpions manager.

-: People are suffocating in here, you son of a bitch!

(Tom gasping)

-: I can't breathe.

-: Get away from that!

We have five stories up.

Jonah: Could you spare one of those for the movie?

-: Let me out!

Let me out!

-: You're a big embarrassment to the North Hemi.

Have you no shame?

-: No, I want out!

Jonah: Or I'll go cuckoo!

-: Be my guest.

(crowd screams)

Tom: And that's a picture wrap on Plunkett, everybody.

(all cheering)

-: Anybody else scared to leave?

Group: We would.

Crow: No.

-: Good answer.

Jonah: Jokes on you, Wa-Lee.

I always keep an extra White guy in my bag.

-: Wipe that smirk off your face!

Crow: That's the Pine-Sol, baby.

Jonah: Come on, sweetie.

I made your favorite Kool-Aid, Chuckle Berry Finn.

Din-din.

(indistinct)

-: Hair of the pooch will do you some good, Skip.

-: Drink it down, Drake.

Jonah: I don't drink and Drake.

-: What's this doing in my office?

-: Skip, it's Rooney's office.

Crow: And it's pretzel day.

Drake: And what are we doing here?

-: OpCom needs you.

-: Oh, now you need me.

Tom: Ah.

-: You know what I need?

Jonah: An intervention?

-: A real drink.

Come on, Stump, show me the way the nearest bar.

-: Damn it, Captain Wa-Lee has commandeered the robot.

(Drake laughs)

Jonah: You always know how to make me laugh. (laughs)

-: The slow robot to China, is he?

-: He's about to take over North Hemi?

Crow: And after that Broadway.

-: I'm out, remember?

Crow: Ding dong.

-: They've got Leda.

Jonah: Aroo.

Aroo?

-: What do we got now?

-: MARES 2 has reached the tomb, sir.

Jonah: Deploy Laura Croft.

-: Is this it?

-: Smack dab in the middle of the zone.

♪ Queen scorpion was in Egypt's land ♪

♪ Let my people go ♪

(Jonah whistling)

-: Do you have any idea with this mag done is, Stumpy?

-: Yeah, I don't know how many of those

20th century landmarks are still around.

-: Come on, Stumpy, think.

Your grandfather must have told you something.

-: No, my dad told me.

I was just a kid.

Jonah: I was just a stumpling.

-: Stumpy, concentrate, think.

I know you got some brain cells left.

Jonah: I mean, look, you're still walking.

(Leda gasping)

Crow: How many times does this happen to you?

Jonah: I had to bring my own wardrobe.

This is non-union, and now I have tetanus.

Tom: Hey, if you got time to lean,

you've got time to clean.

Jonah: Yeah.

Crow: Piece of crap jumpsuit

made out of bed comforter and some curtains.

Why did I think this would protect me?

-: It was some place smack in the middle of Crystal Vista.

I remember a brick warehouse.

♪ She's a brick house ♪

-: Must be long gone by now.

-: Maybe not, we'll go see.

-: It was near the school.

I'm sure of that.

My grandpa and his crew used to hang out there,

talk about the Mega 1.

-: In school?

Jonah: What's school?

-: Yeah, that's where he built his first robot.

Crow: T1000.

Jonah: Live from Giza, it's Major Lazer.

How do you turn off the high beam?

Crow: Exfoliate.

Tom: A little less reverb, just more bass.

Jonah: Yeah, since we put the bay window in,

there's been so much more light in here.

Watch out for Macaulay Culkin's booby traps.

Crow: Bang!

Tom: Bangs!

Jonah: Where does your stepdad keep the Playboys.

Crow: Stupid boxes.

(laser blasting)

Jonah: Hey, I wasn't them killing you all.

-: Let go of me!
Jonah: Eye for an eye.

You kill one of our men,

you have to give the eulogy at his funeral.

(group speaks in foreign language)

Crow: Okay, we're gonna hold you hostage.

But first, we're gonna need you to put on this dress.

We're meeting my parents for dinner at PF Changs

and I need you to pretend to be my fiance.

Your name is Georgia.

It's a long story.

-: Remember the Alamo!

Jonah: False narrative!

(lasers blasting)

Crow: So who are we rooting for?

Jonah: Oh, whoever makes the kill shot

that ends the movie.

-: Drake, Jesus Christ.

-: Hi, Rocky.

(Jonah imitating Sylvester Stallone)

Did you miss me?

Jonah: Define miss.

-: She missed me.

-: Listen, I found the micron transponders.

They're in the school.

-: Grandpa's old school house.

Jonah: Let's good outta here.

-: Lead the way.

Jonah: I think they're gonna do something weird.

(doors whirring)

-: (laughs) Good evening and welcome to Stump Talks.

The only inspirational lecture series

where tag team speakers look at life

through the lens of Stumpy from "Robot Wars".

-: Join us as we take you through three habits

of highly successful sidekicks.

-: Rule one, don't step on your hero's catch phrase

or he'll step on you.

-: Literally, usually your throat.

-: Make sure your dialogue is witless

and totally outta context.

-: For example, "Well, that's a big wrench."

"Keep on jogging", and "Rooty-toot-toot, boss."

-: You see, these here catchphrases are lazy

and dated at best.

-: Which is what you want.

-: Next, deny yourself of all pleasures.

-: Yeah, yeah, money, women, respect.

Divert it all Drake's way.

-: You get nothing.

-: All is for Drake.

-: All hail, Drake.

Group: Bow down to Drake.

-: Hey, Stumpmeister.

-: Oh, wow.

-: Some women's libber tossed a drink in my face.

I need you to tell her what an amazing lover I am.

Hop to it!

-: Yes, your Drakeness.

-: As you wish, my Drakemaster.

-: Gloria in excelsis Drakeo!

♪ Rooty-toot-toot Drake, Drake ♪

♪ Rooty-toot-toot Drake, Drake ♪

♪ Rooty-toot-toot Drake, Drake ♪

♪ Rooty-toot-toot Drake, Drake ♪

-: Thank you, Stumpies.

I feel seen.

-: Break's over, lose-bag!

Bedazzle my initials on these paper towels.

-: Rooty-toot-toot, boss.

Rooty-toot-toot.

♪ Rooty-toot-toot Drake, Drake ♪

♪ Rooty-toot-toot Drake, Drake ♪

(alarm blares)
(all shouting)

(doors whirring)

Jonah: Man, that layer of bird poop must be thick!

-: Talk to me, babe.

Jonah: Baby.

-: Come on, come on.

I've got miles to go before I sleep.

(man speaks in foreign language)

-: That you?
-: Speak English.

(man speaks in foreign language)

No, I don't understand Centralese.

(man speaking foreign language)

Speak up.

(man speaks in foreign language)

Dead?

Who's dead?

Man: Chou-Sing dead.

Jonah: Paul is dead?

-: Chou-Sing?

Man: Yes.

-: Who killed him?

Man: Dr. Drake.

Crow: Dr. Dre?

Jonah: Whoa.

-: Drake?

Man: And woman.

-: The girl too?

Man: Yes, Drake and woman.

What we do now?

-: Don't worry.

They'll find out.

Jonah: As soon as they finish writing the script.

Crow: Wow, they hacked into a dig dug machine.

Tom: That's gonna max out the floppy drive.

Jonah: Yeah.

-: Drake's locator signal.

Jonah: Pritchard's doing the mannequin challenge.

Whoa!

Is Wa-Lee carving his initials into that thing or what?

Crow: Fire photons!

Take that, Boba Fett!

You're mine now, Skeletor!

Mom, can you make me a Toaster Strudel?

Jonah: I'll take enemy weapons for 500, Alex.

Enhance.

Crow: Oh, they got that new target in Maple Grove

next to the courthouse, yeah?

Jonah: I smelt it, I dealt it.

Lunch break!

Crow: Eh, she's not quite dry yet better.

Better pop her back in.

-: There must be 100 tunnels down here.

Jonah: Is that a lot?

-: The micron transponder could be on the other side.

It wasn't too far in.

Jonah: Rock that power post, Stumpy.

-: There was some kind of rumbling noise when we found them.

-: If we're lucky, the gun could be on the other side.

-: How the hell are we gonna a fire it, Stumpy?

-: It must have a service tube

to connect the firing controls.

Let me try.

Crow: No, Stumpy.

That's electric!

(crow imitating electricity crackling)

Jonah: It says pull, Stumpy.

-: Are you hurt bad?

-: It's just a scratch.

Don't worry about it.

Jonah: Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right,

B, A, select, start, 30 lives, boss.

(Stumpy grunting)

Crow: And coronary.

-: Oh, it's like the whole robot's still here.

Cross your fingers, here we go.

Tom: Oh, hey, Mr. Tumnus.

Jonah: Aw, she carries her babies on her back.

Crow: Aw.

Jacket, you failed me for the last time!

-: MARES 2, moving rapidly toward Captain Drake's position.

Crow: He's at the 10.

That he's still at the 10.

Jonah: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back

to the Luxor Hotel and Casino, Blue Man Group.

Crow: They found Dr. Demento's old studio.

Jonah: Demento!

Which one reactivates the plot?

Gotta find it.

-: Mega one cockpit.

Jonah: Well, the Mega 2 cockpit's but with blue lights.

-: We're already wired in.

It's just like keeping one arm in the brain alive

even though you ground up the rest of the man.

Crow: Somebody confiscate

Stumpy's Hannibal Lecter quote a day calendar.

-: My God.

(computer beeping)

Tom: Pardon.

Pardon me.

-: Wow.

-: Geez, captain, it certainly feels

like the whole kit and caboodle is still here.

-: All right, activate mag and elevator assembly.

Leda, strap yourself into that cub seat.

-: Man and elevator assembly, loaded for transformation.

(Jonah imitating Chewbacca)

Captain, the com is trying to kick in.

Crow: Oh, it didn't save my Frogger high score!

Lame!

-: Elevate the mag.

(Jonah mumbles)

GPC: Anyway, here's "Wonderwall".

Crow: It's probably Mynox chewing on the power cables.

-: North Hemi operations, this is Drake.

If you read, reply in universal frequency.

Tom: This is Sheriff Buford T. Justice.

-: They made it!
-: Yes!

-: Hurry up, Drake.

He's in range.

Jonah: To the victor belong the spoils.

Crow: Doing the Drake shake.

Tom: Diarrhea is like a storm raging inside you.

(all shouting)

-: Something's wrong.

-: No kidding!

Fix it!

Jonah: Didn't miss this guy.

-: I think I've got it.

-: Where are you going?

-: To engage the transformer.

Get full system override.

-: Stumpy, don't go down there.

You'll get your ass shot off.

Damn!

Tom: Ow, my ass.

-: It's coming apart.

Stumpy!

Jonah: Stumpy's not here, man.

-: Drake, on the monitor.

-: Peek a boo, I kill you.

Jonah: Nice.

-: I told you we'll meet again, Captain Drake.

Crow: Oh wow, I think I'm rooting for Wa-Lee now.

Jonah: Stumpy, join the robot force, they said.

See the world, they said.

Drop some metaphors, co-pilot a killer scorpion,

always defer to your better looking captain,

nurse him when he is hung over, don't get the girl.

Why, I oughta.

-: Come on, baby, come on.

Tom: You know, if you push the button a bunch,

the elevator comes faster.

Jonah: Is that right?

Tom: No.

-: Stumpy, get the hell out of there!

You're a sitting duck!

-: Just keep that override down!

Crow: Yeah and maximize the wiffle hoofer

and triangulate the single framler

and coagulate the preflamer!

(electricity crackling)
(alarm blares)

Jonah: Well, I guess it didn't work.

Tom: Oh, kind of an anticlimactic ending.

Jonah: Yeah, well, what are you gonna do?

I think we could just get outta here.

Oh.

-: The whole robot's intact!

(all grumbling)

Wahoo!

Jonah: Button mashing for the win, I guess.

-: Let's do it.

Crow: That's a sticker.

-: Strap in, Stumpy!

Jonah: Stomp in, Strampy!

Tom: Ugh, it's the ASMR portion of the film.

Crow: Yeah, yeah, I'm coming, I'm coming.

Jonah: Our main street's still all cracked and broken.

Tom: That's right, mom bakes Jiffy Pop popcorn,

as much fun to make as it is to eat.

♪ A three hour tour ♪

Jonah: So this is how

Macy's Thanksgiving parade balloons are born.

Crow: Want some fries with that shake, Drake?

Jonah: We just escaped.

Recruit a crew of teenagers with attitude.

Crampton comes alive.

Crow: Today, I'm totally gonna wail on my pecs,

pound on my upper body, probably skip leg day though.

Tom: Sorry. I'm a little ashy.

Got any shea butter.

-: No.

It can't be.

Jonah: The McRib is back.

Yummy.

Crow: I buy you a new tool,

you say you'll take care of it.

And where do I find it?

Buried in the sandbox.

This is why we can't have nice things.

Jonah: Sorry, mom.

-: Would you look at that, it's all there,

the whole damn Mega robot.

-: Yeah, it's Mega 1!

Tom: What should I do with my hands, sir?

Jonah: Nice kicks.

(Drake laughs)

-: Good one, Stumpy!

-: Way to go, lover boy.

Tom: Just trying it out.

Jonah: You're the man now, dog.

-: Watch this baby dance.

Crow: He's just a boy.

He's just a child.

He wants to be a dancer.

He's not meant for the mines.

He deserves better.

-: You're killing yourself, Drake.

What are you gonna do with that musty old tin can?

Crow: You mean Leda?

-: Take out the garbage, scumbag.

GPC: Don't forget the recyclables, honey.

Tom: I'm going to down to walk down to Electric Avenue.

Crow: I'm hit!

Oh, oh, oh!

Jonah: Give them the clamp, see.

♪ Oh my love ♪

Crow: Beverage service is suspended.

Jonah: Oh, I'm sorry.

No, after you, my mistake.

No, no, after you.

We're both leaving, isn't that weird?

What's your name?

-: It's supposed to be shaking, Leda.

-: Drake, oh my God, the hostages.

Crow: How come they get the hostage channel?

Jonah: Hot button pushing action.

Tom: Thrill us with big suspense.

Mwah!

Jonah: Oh, I'm gonna throw up from my bottom.

Crow: Los Locos kick your ass!

Jonah: Should I unplug the router or what?

Here, let me just help loosen up your,

oh, no, I'm so sorry!

Oh, no!

Crow: You know, if you remove a robot's shell, it dies.

Yo bro, can someone spot me?

Tom: Always lift with your legs, not your back.

(Tom vocalizing)

Crow: And lo, did the White people flee into the desert,

soon to create Scottsdale, Arizona.

-: Fire, Drake.

What are you waiting for?

10 paces, fire.

Jonah: From hell's heart, I hit buttons at thee!

Crow: Is it safe?

(laser blasting)

Down goes Fraser.

Down goes Fraser!

Jonah: Hi, I'm Victor.

You're holding a lot of tension in your upper body.

Crow: No, you didn't.

Tom: Bam, there's your flavor.

Jonah: Teach me how to Dougie?

Crow: That's vapo action.

Jonah: Great, awesome.

Oh, what fun, we did it.

Crow: That's a totally illegal move!

He's taking him down with a solar eclipse!

That flies in the face of the WWE!

(indistinct)

Jonah: No de, decrease.

High beams.

Crow: Highest beams.

Jonah: Oh.

That's vapo action!

Callback.

Get off of me.

(group cheers)

And just like that, the robot wars ended racism.

Crow: Wow.

Jonah: Oh, what did I drink last night?

(computer beeping)

Beep boop beep.

Crow: Yeah, I got nothing.

Jonah: It's okay.

Yeah, this is awkward for all of us.

Tom: Shake the Drake.

Jonah: I got the numbers of all the hot lady passengers,

just like asked, Captain

Oh, hi, Leda.

Anyway, you want those number like alphabetical

or by height or shoe size, you weirdo?

-: Beat it, will you?

I'm gonna busy for the next 40 or 50 years.

-: Gotcha.

Jonah: All right!

I'll just be down the robot crotch area if you need me.

I got a refrigerator full of beers and a hammock.

Nothing?

Okay, bye!

You like jazz?

-: Whoa, Captain.

I don't even know your first name.

-: Marion.

Crow: I guess he is the Marion kind.

Good night, everybody!

-: I had to ask.

(Jonah humming)

(Tom slurps)

Jonah: Stop it.

Tom: What?

Jonah: So there's no bed,

but there is an old couch in the robot armpit.

Crow: Okay.

Say, is that a cold sore on your lip?

Jonah: No, no, no, that's from where you,

from where you punched me earlier, yeah.

Crow: Oh, oh, okay.

Say, would it be cool if we just talked a little first?

Jonah: Oh, totally, of course.

This isn't like a one night stand.

I really like you.

I was actually gonna ask you to move in.

Crow: Okay, but if I do,

this beanbag chair really needs to go.

My cats Grace and Will aren't declawed.

Jonah: Oh, okay.

Cats?

All right, well, I bet you also want me to take you

to wine country on Super Bowl weekend!

Tom: End Scenes from a Marriage.

Jonah: Thank you.

I think we did pretty good.

Tom: Wait, what about,

what about Annie?

Jonah: Yeah, what about her?

Tom: But who was the second assistant

to the second second assistant director?

Crow: Man, I can't wait for Robot Wars Episode Five,

The Centro Strike Back.

Jonah: Best boy?

Why isn't there ever a best girl?

Crow: Aw, snap, we got DJ Richie into his hizz-house.

Jonah: Whaa pompom whaa!

Tom: Get a key grip on yourself.

Ooh, is Shelly Segal related to George Segal?

Jonah: Ooh, is David Allen related to Irwin Allen?

Crow: Is Paul Jessel related to Georgie Jessel?

Tom: If Chris Endicott falls in the forest

and no one's there to hear it, does he make a sound?

Jonah: Yeah, it's ahh!

All rise to recognize the robot design team.

♪ And now it's done ♪

♪ Wars of the robots ♪

♪ It sure was fun ♪

♪ Return to Redbox ♪

♪ These robots ♪

Crow: This is the music they play

when you get kicked out of Medieval Times.

Jonah: It's a little known fact that Christian Clump

is also the inventor of kitty litter.

Tom: Ah, James Foley provided

all the carpentry sound effects.

Jonah: You know, Torvill and Dean skated to this music

in the '84 Olympics.

Crow: The end credit bloopers

better featured Dom DeLuise.

(Jonah wheezes)

Jonah: That's all it would be.

Tom: Hey, what's Vic Hennegan weigh?

Jonah: Six pound poundigans.

Tom: Hey!

Crow: So who are you gonna get

to edit your sound effects, Todd or...

Jonah: (chuckles) Weiner.

(Jonah vocalizing)

Crow: Excuse me.

I specifically asked

for a Champagne Super Nova in my trailer.

♪ Maybe ♪

(light orchestral music)

(Crow chuckling)

Tom: And now, the love theme from "Robot Wars".

Jonah: Bennah Burton-Burtt.

Bennah Burton-Burtt.

Crow: Bennah Burton-Burtt.

Jonah: Bennah Burton-Burtt.

(all murmuring)

That's my third favorite Fraggle Rock song.

Technovisual versus Ultravision

in the battle for lens supremacy.

♪ We are the Studio City Shuffling crew ♪

♪ Shuffling it down, doing it for you ♪

♪ We're so bad, we know we're good ♪

Crow: Soundtrack available on Moonstone Records.

Moontrack available on Soundstone Records.

Tom: Thank you, Full Moon, for another try at bat.

You can't hit a home run if you never take a swing.

Jonah: Very true.

You know, for a movie called "Robot Wars",

there wasn't really much of a robot war to speak of.

Tom: Oh, you want a robot war?

Jonah: Oh, I mean, I wanna see one.

Crow: We can give you a robot war.

Jonah: I wasn't really saying now

Tom: Oh, it's on like Donkey Kong.

Jonah: No, I don't really mean like any kind of war now.

Group: Robot Wars!

Robot Wars!

Jonah: No, goys, I just-

Group: Robot Wars!

-: I mean in the movie.

The movie's called Robot Wars.

Where are you guys going?

Come on, hey, wait a minute.

(doors whirring)

Ladies, gentlemen, and stop motion robots of all ages,

welcome back to the Smackelite of Love.

Let's get ready to robot war!

In this corner, weighing in at heavier than you think,

the golden boy of the ring, the sultan of sting,

ladies, hide your tortillas.

it's Crow, the crowbar T robot!

-: The T stands for these arms are strong.

Let me at this nerd!

I'll cream. Him!

I'll murderize him!

-: Okay, okay.

And his challenger, the gumball wizard,

the Poet Laureate of punches, the littlest Megados,

peek a boo, I see you, Tom Super!

-: Please do not comment on my scorpion tale!

I'm surprisingly sensitive about it.

-: Sorry.

-: All right, settle down.

We're doing this Crystal Vista style.

No rules!

Now kill each other.

(bell rings)

(both scream)

-: I want the friendly one with the cute tail to win.

-: Ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna have to call

the National Guard if this keeps up!

Never in my time of doing the Robot Wars-

(bell rings)

I cannot believe my eyes!

My mustache has come off!

I can't believe it!

Oh, no!

-: No, no, no.

Why are they fighting?

I want them to be friends.

-: Max, get it together!

The Gizmonic technician will be here any minute

to deliver and install the Simulator of Love.

We can't screw this up!

We're dead enough with Kabahl as it is.

Oh, look, here she comes now.

Oh, I love popcorn.

-: It's so roomy in here.

You know, it's, it can actually replicate human hearing.

-: Uh-huh.

-: And if you wanted to,

I could have it installed in your dashboard there.

-: No, I'm good.

-: Oh no, are you hearing this tone right now?

-: I am.

-: This would be perfect.

This is tinny when you put in my speakers in here.

-: This would be perfect but it's tinny.

You're making a lot of sense. (laughs)

-: That's what I'm just saying.

It's, that's like-

-: I'm good.

(both murmuring)

-: Actually, you know what?

-: What?

-: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

-: Not usually.

-: No!

-: But-
-: Mine.

Push your button, Max.

I think you need to be, you know, spanked.