Mystery Science Theater 3000 (2017–2022): Season 3, Episode 1 - Mystery Science Theater 3000 - full transcript

- Here we go.

[ANNOUNCER] And now to sing
the "MST3K" theme song...

Tom Servo.

Please remain seated.

♪ In the not-too-distant future ♪

♪ Next Sunday afternoon ♪

♪ The evil Kinga Forrester ♪

♪ She ran her empire from the moon ♪

♪ Her latest plan was the Gizmoplex ♪

♪ A twisted scheme based on stolen specs ♪

♪ Now she's pulling the strings
from the old moon base ♪



♪ And she's back to her experiments ♪

♪ With business out in space ♪

♪ I'll send them cheesy movies ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ The worst motion picture wrecks ♪

♪ La, la, la ♪

♪ They'll have to sit ♪
♪ Ooh ♪

♪ And watch them all ♪

♪ And we'll stream 'em ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ At the Gizmoplex ♪
♪ Ooh, la, la, la ♪

♪ Now, keep in mind ♪
♪ Ooh ♪

♪ They can't control ♪

♪ Where the movies begin or end ♪

♪ La, la, la ♪

♪ They'll have to keep their sanity ♪



♪ With the help of their robot friends ♪

♪ Robot roll call ♪

♪ Cambot ♪

♪ GPC ♪

♪ Tom Servo ♪

- That's me.

♪ Crow ♪

♪ If you're wondering
how we eat and breathe ♪

♪ And other science facts ♪

♪ Then repeat to yourself,
it's just a show ♪

♪ I should really just relax ♪

♪ For Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♪

[TOM] So he looks at me and he
says, "It's a non sequitur."

[JONAH] So, he just said that randomly?

[CROW] Yeah, that's how
non sequitur's work.

[JONAH] Oh yeah, that's right.

I forgot.

Hey, everybody.

Jonah Heston here.

Welcome to the Satellite of Love.

As you can see, a lot of
stuff has been happening

on the moon since you last saw us.

[TOM] Duh, Jonah, didn't you
just hear the theme song?

I already covered all that.

[CROW] Yeah, we weren't paying attention.

[SERVO] What?

[JONAH] Yeaaaah.

I'm sure it was great though, Tom.

Oh, Kinga and Max are calling.

[KINGA] Greetings!

It is I, Kinga Forrester.

And no, there's nothing
wrong with your monitor.

I am coming to you from
the new headquarters

of "Mystery Science Theater
3000"... MOON ONE! (laughs)

- [JONAH] Moon One?

What happened to Moon 13?

- [MAX] Well, after you
trapped us in the storage vault

at the end of last season,
we had to get out somehow,

so we blew it up!

- [KINGA] Yeah!

Which resulted in a total cave-in

of Moon 13, 14, and probably 15.

[MAX] We think the Boneheads are okay,

but Moon 13 is currently
sealed off and flooded.

[KINGA] Oops!

So if you or anyone you know
would like to be a Bonehead,

we do have some positions open. (laughs)

We also have an entire universe of pain

in store for you, Heston!

But first, why don't you
do your invention exchange?

[JONAH] Oh, actually I gave
Crow blinkers, check it out!

Crow, c'mon.

Show 'em your blinkers, c'mon!

[CROW] I'm not gonna do it!

I'm not gonna show 'em my blinkers!

[TOM] You just did it.

[CROW] Oh, I'm so sick of you!

[JONAH] What do you think, sirs?

[KINGA] I think it's our turn now.

For three decades, the
Forrester family experiment

has resided on a number of platforms.

[MAX] Comedy Central, the
Sci-Fi Channel, Netflix.

[KINGA] But my family thought too small.

Why subject our homegrown experiment

to the hands of thankless executives,

when we can be the thankless executives?

Introducing the KINGADOME!

Our premiere theater-

[MAX] Connected to the Gizmoplex.

[KINGA] Our premiere
theater for all things

"Mystery Science Theater 3000"!

A bright and shining beacon to the worst

that cinema has to offer.

(stone rumbles)

[MAX] Not only will it contain
new and classic "MST3K" episodes,

but will also feature shorts
and live special events!

[KINGA] All housed lovingly in a theater

we totally made ourselves.

In fact, this very feed

is playing in the Gizmoplex right now!

What do you say to that, Jonah?

[JONAH] I'd say you're
both pretty demented.

[KINGA] Me thinks thou
dost protest too much.

Now then, onto your experiment-

[PEARL] Kinga!

Oh, Kinga!

[KINGA] What, grandma?

[PEARL] Kinga, why don't we
skip the experiment today

and go see a movie in the Gizmoplex?

I got us tickets to "The Crawling Eye."

[KINGA] Gee, grandma, that sounds

really, really, really, really fun,

but don't you have some more repairs

to do around the moon base?

[PEARL] Oh, don't worry.

That's why I have my clone, Synthia,

and our new clone, Mega-Synthia.

They can handle it.

[SYNTHIA] Come on.

Mega-Synthia, over here.

Mega-Synthia, over here.

Mega-Synthia, over this w-

[Synthia screams]

[PEARL] I'll go tend to them.

[KINGA] Yeah, you will.

Anyway, younglings, your experiment

pits a wrestler in a
mask against a vampire

in way too much eyeshadow.

Enter the nonsensical Mexican dreamscape

of "Santo in the Treasure of Dracula"!

Flush them the movie!

[ARDY] Movie in the hole!

[MOVIE FLUSHES]

[JONAH] So then what would a sequitur be?

Oh, we've got Movie Sign!

(klaxon blares)

[JONAH] Oh, a little murder on the lens!

- [Tom] All those people played Santo?

- [Crow] I hope there's
also a boy, Pili Gonzalez.

- [Jonah] Wait, Santo is in the treasure?

So he's part of the treasure or?

- [Tom] This is actually my
favorite "Castlevania" sequel.

- [Crow] I'm losing a fortune!

Stell!

Stell!

Stell!

- [Jonah] Rene, my man, give me cinco!

- [Crow] Manos, The Hands of...

Oh, nevermind.

- [Tom] Vin Diesel in
"The Slow and the Steady".

(car engine roars)

- [Jonah] Oh, there goes the A Team.

Can we just follow them?

Okay.

- [Voiceover] Doctor Cesar
Sepulveda, nuclear physicist.

- [Tom] Thursdays on Telemundo.

- [Crow] Thanks.

Keep the car.

- [Jonah] Now, remember Jerry,

you've convinced your wife
of 30 years you're blind.

I can't keep this up!

- My dearest colleagues.

- [Tom] Honeybunches.

- I took the liberty
of holding this meeting

here at my house.

- [Crow] Impressed?

- [Sepulveda] To inform you all-

- [Jonah] You're fired.

- Distinguished members of the
metaphysic research society

about the work of an
esteemed friend of mine,

known to all of you for
his scientific work,

as well as having
dedicating his whole life

while hiding his identity

to fight effectively against crime.

- [Crow] McGruff?

- [Sepulveda] Let me
introduce you to Santo.

- [Tom] MF Doom!

- Gentlemen, after long and
thorough studies done by me,

I have come to the conclusion

that it is possible to return someone

by the decomposition of matter
to a previous existence.

- Are you saying that if
I were dematerialized,

I could live in a bygone time,

a supposed life that I
have already lived before?

- [Jonah] Yeah, you nailed it.

- Exactly, doctor, and with
that we can discover the origins

of many millennial cultures, cities,

archeological monuments,
treasures, and much more.

- Can you explain to us the experiment?

- With pleasure, doctor.

Would you kindly follow me?

- [Crow] I'd prefer to confuse you

more extensively elsewhere.

- Come in.

- [Jonah] Cool synth, bro.

- This is my mechanical invention.

It's actually a time machine.

- [Tom] No, that's a chair.

- The experiments consist
in making the chosen subject

by decomposing its atoms to be projected

in time and space to a previous life.

- Have you tested the experiment?

- No.

- [Crow] Was I supposed to?

- Then it's just a theory like any other.

- A theory that can be demonstrated.

All the research I have done
led me to be sure of success.

- If you're so sure, Santo,
why haven't you tried it?

- Well, because I haven't
found a willing test subject.

- See if I can just get that mask off ya.

Let's see if I can just check who you are!

I can't.

I don't wanna.

- But the biggest obstacle is always

the fear of the unknown.

- And it's natural.

- [Tom] Like my accent.

- I would decline myself such
honor, because this experiment

could be potentially dangerous, right?

- Yes, it could be dangerous

for the test subject's personal life

to experience and relive a past life.

- Yet you have no problem
exposing this theory, right?

(all laugh)

- [Crow] They're the Heathers
of the science world.

- [Tom] Peso peso bills, y'all.

- [Crow] Don't look at me;
I'm from Central Casting.

- I know that what happened today

must be a great disappointment for you.

- Exactly, doctor.

I trusted I will find help, but rather,

it was the opposite, a complete disaster.

- Don't say that.

You haven't failed.

You will succeed.

- [Jonah] Not at this though.

- Cognac?

- I prefer coffee.

- [Tom] And a straw.

- Bring him a cup of coffee, please.

- With pleasure, sir.

- This way, gorgeous.

- [Crow] Thanks, I always get
confused in these roundabouts.

- [Nanny] Your niece wants
to say goodnight to you, sir.

- [Paquita] I'm going to sleep.

Good night, uncle.

- [Jonah] First, we wrestle!

- Good night, honey.

- [Tom] Bodyslam!

- [Paquita] Good night, Luisa.

- [Crow] Good night, random child.

- Good night, everybody.

- Sleep well, sweetie.

- Sweet dreams, dear.

- [Jonah] And dream of
earless silver-faced demons.

- I appreciate that you brought
Paquita to live with you.

- She's such a sweet little girl.

- I remember she was very young

when her parents were killed by the mob.

- [Crow] You remember that, little girl?

- You made an oath to take care of her.

- Poor thing, but your love
has made her very happy.

I'm sure that you will be an
excellent mother for Paquita.

- I really hope so.

- [Tom] 'Cause I was a terrible father.

- Once I prove my experiment is correct,

we will think about her future.

- Listen, Santo.

You know that we scientists
are not convinced

by simple, unproven theories.

We must have proof.

- Proof, proof.

- Proof, proof!

- But who is the person
that will help me to prove

that I am right?

- No, no, don't look at me!

I'm your friend, but I
ain't got the guts for that!

- [Crow] Ha-ha!

Child's play!

I'll just swing my leg over here, then,

I'll swing the other leg over there,

and then, I'll reposition
to there. (laughs)

(eerie music)

- Is your house safe from Hooded Justice?

ADT can protect your property

from the entire roster
of Watchmen characters!

Roster does not include Rorshach,

Ozymandias and Dr. Manhattan.

- Santo, I have given you my hospitality

and helped you conduct your
experiments here in my home.

- [Jonah] Yoo-hoo!

- My greatest satisfaction
would be your triumph.

If you desire it, I can
be your test subject.

- No, professor, but thank you.

At your age this experiment
will be twice as risky.

Something might go wrong,

and unfortunately it may be fatal for you.

- Then what kind of test
subject do you need to find?

- [Tom] A gullible one.

- A young and healthy
woman, ideally a woman.

Because they have four times
more resistance then men,

and it would be easier
to radiate her cells

for a longer time.

- [Sepulveda] To transfer
her to a previous life?

- Yes, and to endure the tremendous shock

of returning to her present life.

- [Jonah] Her prison life?

- You mean that when the
subject returns to this time,

she would still remember
the previous one she had?

- Exactly, doctor, and that could produce

a mental injury to the person.

- [Crow] Sold!
- Santo, could I be the one?

- What are you saying?

- Luisa.

- Could I be your test subject?

- No.

- [Tom] This is so suspenseful,

when is he gonna get his coffee?

- You have never lied to me.

Answer me.

- [Jonah] Answer her!

- [Santo] What do you want me to say?

I don't know.

- But, nobody knows better than you.

- [Crow] And you didn't
invite any other women.

- Well, yes.

Yes, it could work,

but you are the last
person I would try it on.

- But why?

- Haven't you heard that the
experiment is very dangerous?

- I am as invested as you
are in finding the truth.

Let me help you.

- [Tom] My hair is so big
because it's full of secrets.

- [Jonah] Aww, he's like
a Hershey Kiss in a suit.

- Be careful it doesn't go over 160.

It could be dangerous.

- [Crow] Salmonella could kick in.

- Are you ready, professor?

- I'm ready.

Coramine, adrenaline,
pyridoxine, and sulfates.

- [Tom] They have sulfates?

- [Jonah] Yeah.

Uh-oh, I think this contraption

is powered by an etch a sketch.

- [Crow] Jane Jetson!

- Ready?

- Ready.

- [Tom] To go-go through time.

- [Jonah] The Twilight Zone in color!

- [Crow] I'd look better in that.

- [Tom] Okay, just smash
buttons until something happens.

- [Jonah] That is the
coolest cremation furnace

I've ever seen.

And I've seen a lot!

- [Tom] It was nice knowing you.

- [Crow] Low battery?

- [Jonah] Oh, she's just
going on a Target run!

- [Tom] Three dudes watching a woman

in a silly outfit spin around?

That's not science, that's fashion week.

- [Crow] Yeah, baby, yeah!

- [Tom] I have vertigo.

- [Jonah] Centripetal force

is really all there is to time travel?

(Crow gags)

Whee!

- [Tom] Meanwhile, in a
very sensual doll house.

- [Announcer] Sealy Posturepedic,

supportive enough even
for past-life regression.

- [Tom] Two bee stings?

Yikes.

- [Jonah] We bought this
footage cheap from Italy.

- Well, looking at the kind of furniture,

she seems to be at the
end of the last century.

- Indeed.

- [Crow] The tacky century.

- And by her behavior
she seems to be sick.

- [Tom] G'day, mate.

(Jonah laughs)

- [Jonah] Oh, I like their
neatly compartmentalized fog,

just a little off to the side.

- [Tom] Scoot over, Steve.

- [Crow] Larry, I swear to God.

- [Jonah] That'll be three bucks, sir.

Sir?

Sir, money!

(knock on door)

- [Crow] Oh, the secret clubhouse knock!

Coming!

- [Tom] Madam, may I
interest you in some cholera?

- I am Professor Van Roth.

- Do come in.

My lord is waiting.

- [Jonah] But my savior
is still in the bath.

- [Crow] May I take your...

What is that, a cloak?

You weirdo!

- [Tom] Kiss on the cheek or a handshake?

Kiss on the cheek or a handshake?

- My friend, Van Roth.

- Professor Soler.

- I don't know how to repay you.

- [Jonah] I take PayPal.

- Even if it was another patient
instead of your daughter,

I would have come.

I will never be able to forget the favor

you once did for me.

- Never mind that.

Cognac?
- Ah, thank you, thank you.

- [Tom] This movie brought to you

by the International Cognac Council.

- Thank you.

- [Crow] Over the lips
and through the gums,

rot your gut and take some Tums!

(Jonah slurps)

- Van Roth, I am extremely worried.

As I told you in my letter,

my daughter has the same symptoms

that took the life of her friend, Mara,

and many other girls from this town.

- Hmm.

Tell me about Mara.

- [Tom] Was she hot?

- She was visiting us
here when she fell sick.

She got weaker.

Her health diminished day by day.

- And have you given her any transfusions?

- Mm.

Yes, three.

- [Jonah] Three refills.

- Did they work?

- Somewhat.

Every time she got them...
- Huh.

- But the next morning she
became weak and pale again.

10 days ago, we found her in a stupor

from which she could
never recover, and died.

- Hmm.

And tell me of the other symptoms.

- [Crow] Here comes a spit-take!

- Mm, none.

Just the scars on her throat.

- [Tom] What?

- Those scars are exactly
the reason I am here.

- [Jonah] I'm super into scars.

- And, how were they?

- Two little white spots,
with a red spot in the middle.

- [Tom] He just described eyes.

- What's that?

- [Soler] It looks like a bat.

- [Crow] But feels like a sneaker!

- [Jonah] Make it hold still!

I must paint it!

- [Tom] Look out, it's got a dog toy!

- [Crow] Have you heard
the good news, friend?

- What kind of herb is that?

It made the animal flee.

- Mistletoe.

It is a herb that grows in Transylvania.

Vampires can't stand that smell.

- [Jonah] Whoa, I had way too
many past lives last night.

- My dear child.

- [Crow] I'm 47!

- This is my dearest
friend, Professor Van Roth.

- [Tom] We're on a last name basis.

- Maybe you don't remember
old Professor Van Roth,

but I did meet you when you were a child.

Now you have become a
beautiful and graceful woman,

but a little pale, maybe.

- [Jonah] Rude.

- Soon enough, my dear,

your cheeks will recover their rosy color.

- [Tom] Have some healing cocaine.

- May I?

Please tell me, the first
symptom you felt of this disease

was the lack of energy?

- Soon after the death of poor Mara,

I had this horrible nightmare.

- Ahhh!

Okay, okay, tell me about it.

- [Crow] I do charge by the hour.

- I remember that dogs began
barking before I slept,

and thick fog seemed to engulf my room.

- [Jonah] Ah, yes, the foggies, yes.

- The next morning I woke up
really sad, and feeling weak.

- Have you had any more dreams like that?

- [Crow] Was I in them?

- It seems like every
night that fog comes to me.

- [Tom] It's gluten.

- I see a pale face, with blood red eyes!

- [Soler] We gave her two transfusions,

and every single time
she got a little better.

- [Jonah] Every single twice.

- And how long since those
marks appeared on your neck?

- Since that morning.

- Please, let me see.

- No, no.

- I beg you to allow me to see them.

It will be quick.

Please.

- [Crow] But if you see my
neck or ankles, we must wed.

(Jonah laughs)

- [Tom] Who's been throwing pencils?

- [Jonah] Someone put
eyeliner on in the carriage.

- [Crow] May I take your fangs?

- [Tom] One singular sensation.

Ah-ah-ah!

- [Jonah] Am I overdressed?

I feel overdressed.

- Good evening, Count.

- Gentlemen.

Mademoiselle, it seems
tonight you've gotten better.

- Indeed, Count.

Especially now that this
old friend of my father

has come to heal me.

- [Crow] Bleh!

- Count Alucard, this
is Professor Van Roth.

- A distinguished man of science

whose name is known worldwide.

- [Jonah] You don't have to be sarcastic.

- But am I interrupting something?

- No, quite the opposite, Count.

We are delighted by your visit.

- It's always a pleasure to see you.

I love it when you come to visit.

- It will be better if
you went upstairs to rest

while I continue talking to your father.

- Thank you.

The maid will escort me.

Excuse me.

- [Tom] She needs a
chaperone to go upstairs

in her own house?

This is Victorian.

(Crow smooches)

- [Jonah] Okay, she's gone.

I know she's my daughter,
but what a loser, right?

- Monsieur Count, just like me,

is a foreigner in this country.

Am I right?

- Mmm.

- Mmm.

- And do you plan to stay
here a long time, Count?

- That this my intention, my friend.

- I hope you won't regret having acquired

that old and ruined mansion.

- [Crow] That money pit.

- It is not ruined.

It had a lot of dust.

In my country, we are used to that.

- [Tom] We're nasty.

(Jonah giggles)

- But you must be eager to
talk to this famous scientist.

- [Jonah] Nope.

- With your permission,
I will be on my way.

But I will come back to
know if I can be helpful.

Gentlemen.

- [Tom] So, why did he come here?

- The Count is really kind,

but let's talk about my daughter.

- Fine.

- [Crow] Fine!

- No doubt you have heard of
the legends of central Europe

that talk about vampires.

- Can you be talking about those ghosts

that suck the blood out of the living?

- Maybe you call them ghosts,

I prefer to call them the undead.

- [Jonah] Ghosts.

- Vampires attack the neck.

And leave behind two marks
with a red spot in the middle.

- Like the ones Luisa has?

- Indeed.

- Mara had them, too.

- [Tom] Coincidence.

- And I can assure you that
the girls who have disappeared

have had them as well.

- [Crow] As if!

- [Jonah] Whoa, L7 got back together!

- [Tom] Honies, I'm home!

- King and lord of darkness,
here are two new priestesses,

who will join your infernal court,

the legion of the living dead.

- [Jonah] I told you
to never call it that!

- [Crow] That's a streak free shine!

- [Tom] Ooh, mighty fine sleeping wig.

(suspenseful music)

- [Jonah] A steam bed?

Someone's wealthy.

(eerie music)

(Jonah beatboxes)

- [Tom] How come they don't
have her in an iron turtleneck?

- [Jonah] Dracula out there ripping

that thick balcony cotton!

(eerie music)

- [Crow] Look at that,
she's a two pronged outlet!

(Luisa moans)

- Luisa lived in the same time
as a vampire, Count Alucard.

- But a vampire in America?

- [Jonah] In this economy?

- Please don't pull my leg, sir.

(doors lock)

[TOM] I tell you, it will work!

[GPC] And I tell you it won't!

[CROW] Either way, I'm just
loving spending time together.

[JONAH] Hey, what are you guys doing?

[TOM] Science!
[JONAH] Oh!

[TOM] My name is Dr. Thomas Servo,

and this is my associate, Crow.

[JONAH] Oh, I know Crow.

Hey, Crow.

[GPC] Hiya!

[GPC] And I'm an esteemed yet
appropriately skeptical colleague.

[TOM] Silence!

I have invented a method for
guiding people into the past.

[JONAH] Oh, you mean their past lives?

[TOM] Oh wow, I wish.

[CROW] Yeah, that would be really cool.

[TOM] Silence!

Actually, I send my subjects
back through their own pasts.

Mostly the shameful parts.

- Oh, I get it.

We're doing the old
make-Jonah-reveal-embarrassing-memories

bit again, huh?

Well, at this point, I'm all
out of dignity, so let's go!

- (laughs) Success!

- You've proven nothing, Doctor!

- Silence!

For science!

Now, gaze into the wheel

as we read from your high school yearbook.

- Oh, no, I can't look at that

on account of my motion sickness,

but I'll just pretend to be hypnotized.

Ooh!

- Good enough!

Now, assistant!

Read from the yearbook!

- "It was a pleasure teaching you Home Ec.

"I'm sure you'll go far
with all you've learned.

"Mrs. Pate."

- Yeah, Mrs. Pate!

Yeah, she was the best.

She drove me to the State Capitol

when I won the Consumer
Awareness poster contest.

I got to shake hands with
the Attorney General.

- Silence!

That was disappointingly positive.

We must go deeper into
the bowels of your memory.

- Okay.

- "Hey cool guy, have a great summer

"and take it easy with the ladies.

"Katie Stone."

- Oh, wow, Katie Stone.

I haven't thought about
Katie Stone in a long time.

She was real nice.

Real, real nice.

- Doctor, these are hardly

the hilarious memories you promised.

- No, there must be something there!

Crow, go, continue!

- "All our love to the
coolest guy in Trenton.

"The Cheerleaders."

- Impossible!

How were you so cool and
well-liked in high school?

- Well, you know, what can I say?

Some guys, they just got it.

- Wait a minute.

Jonah, you didn't grow up in Trenton.

(Jonah laughs)

(Jonah cries)

- I made it up!

I'm a fraud!

It's not even my yearbook!

I stole this from some dude at a bus stop!

- Servo, you've done it!

- Success!

- Science!

(klaxon blares)

- We've got movie sign!

(doors unlock)

First time I get to go upstairs

and someone knocks on the door.

Jeez.

- [Tom] Whoa, Dracula bit
the hell out of that dress.

- [Jonah] If you've brought marshmallows,

we can make s'mores of our doors!

- I hope you didn't
leave Miss Luisa alone.

- No sir, she is with her father.

- Hmm.

- [Tom] I brought in your
Sears & Roebuck catalog,

you're welcome.

- How is she doing?

- She is a bit nervous, sir.

She learned from the newspaper

about the beautiful woman in white

who at dusk offers sweets to children,

and takes them to a secluded place

where she bites their throats.

- [Crow] It's in the Folklore section!

- [Jonah] Madam, you've
editorialized again!

- Please, you must call
professor Soler now.

But do not leave Miss Luisa
alone, no matter what.

- Yes, sir.

- [Jonah] I'm just going to
do a quick big head caricature

of Luisa to lift her spirits.

(eerie music)

- [Crow] Abracadabra!

Alf!

- [Tom] Aluminum!

- [Crow] A lucky guess!

- [Tom] The suspense is
killing the orchestra.

- Oh!

- [Crow] My God, I'm Bram Stoker.

- That vampire is Dracula.

- Professor Van Roth found out.

- Look, look!

- [Jonah] Hello, my name is Twilight.

I am a Dracula.

- Good evening.

- My God!

I didn't hear you coming, Count.

- [Tom] I didn't count on you hearing.

- Well, I am quite light on my feet.

- [Crow] I minored in modern dance.

- How strange.

This mirror reflects everything.

- [Jonah] Yes, it's a mirror.

- Except you.

- Bastard!

(glass shatters)

- [Tom] Now you'll have seven
years of bad suck, luck.

- Forgive me.

I do not like mirrors.

- [Crow] Nice save.

- They are but toys of human vanity.

- [Jonah] By the way, I noticed

you don't follow me on
Instagram, so it's kinda weird.

I thought we were friends.

- And how is our beautiful patient?

- The prognosis-

- [Tom] Is atrocious.

- Is quite the challenging one, my Count.

- [Crow] She keeps dying.

- I was afraid of that.

- Would you like to know

what I'm going to treat my patient with?

- [Jonah] No, no, I respect HIPAA laws.

Bleh.

- Everything that has
to do with Miss Luisa

is of great interest to me.

- [Crow] I'm really digging
his Quilted Northern dickie!

- [Tom] Could I interest
you in some cognac?

We also have cognac.

- [Jonah] Mind if I vamp?

- [Crow] I gotted an owchie!

- [Tom] It's that red water
again, what is this stuff?

- It's just a simple scratch, my Count.

I'm going to show you the medicine

that I'm going to give Miss Luisa.

(Dracula groans)

Don't you like the smell?

- [Crow] Not a question you want to hear

from a guy that old.

- Agh!

- [Jonah] You fool!

I've been me the whole time!

- Mein Gott!

- [Tom] Spectacles, testicles,
testicles, testicles.

- [Jonah] Sorry I'm late,
I was playing "Dark Souls".

You know, you can't pause "Dark Souls".

- Are you okay?

Is everything alright?

(speaks in foreign language)

- [Crow] My love?

- No, no.

Count Alucard was here.

- [Tom] Just say Dracula!

- He was going to kill me.
- What?

It can't be.

- He is the vampire.

I've got all of the evidence.

- [Jonah] Right here, in crayon!

- Look.

- [Crow] Found Waldo!
- I found out

that he got here by boat.

He brought with him six large boxes

that looked like coffins,
filled with soil.

- [Tom] Customs had no questions.

- A vampire has to hide
and rest during the day,

in the same soil in which
he was buried when he died.

But why would he bring
six coffins with him?

- I don't know.

I don't know!

- You don't know!

- But we must find them!

- How?

- And then we can destroy this beast.

- [Jonah] Sorry I'm late,

someone saved over my "Dark Souls" game!

- Have you read today's
news from the newspaper?

- About the mysterious woman who,

after giving sweets to
children, attacks them?

- I think the woman in white is Mara.

- Mara?

But she's dead, Luisa.

- She has joined the master.

- [Tom] Or the LPGA!

- My God!

- Luisa, I won't ask how
you know all of this,

but I promise you I will
save the soul of your friend.

With the aid of God.

- And you will be able to save mine, too?

- [Crow] Nope!
- Yours too.

I promise you.

- [Jonah] I swear on your big hair.

- Starting now, the maid
will sleep in your chambers.

We will remain vigilant here

until the light of the new day comes.

I made this mistletoe
necklace just for you, Luisa.

- [Tom] And earrings?

- As long as your wear
it, it shall protect you.

Promise me you will never take it off.

- I promise.

- [Jonah] And into the fire it goes.

(Lupa screams)

(speaks in foreign language)

- [Jonah] It smells like my
uncle's guitar case in here!

- [Crow] Hey, baby.

You like fast cars and holes in your neck?

- [Tom] Docking procedure initiated.

- [Jonah] The first draft
of Disney's Haunted Mansion.

- [Crow] They bury their dead vertically?

- [Tom] Hmm, seems small.

Let's see how many bedrooms.

- This is where Mara is buried.

- Hurry up.

The sunset is about to come.

- [Crow] Two hours ago.

- [Jonah] There's a Starbucks in here.

Wow.

(eerie music)

- [Crow] Stay close to the candles.

The staircase can be treacherous.

- [Tom] I call this meeting

of the He-Man Woman Haters Club to order.

- [Jonah] Get in.

(eerie music)

- [Crow] Oh, Dutch door coffin!

- [Tom] Okay.

Get her flashlight.

- [Jonah] Hope she likes her stakes rare!

You gotta find that one funny!
(Mara screams)

- [Crow] Women be napping.

Am I right, ladies?

- [Tom] Weird, she's got
centipedes on her eyelids.

- [Jonah] Look into my pores.

- [Crow] Yes, I will help you break

into the girls' locker room.

(eerie music)

- [Tom] They need to take that
mattress in for a smog check.

- [Jonah] Hey.

Luisa, wake up.

Dracula wants us to recreate
"The Boy is Mine" again,

and I've got dibs on Brandy!

- [Tom] Oh, that thing
was really on there.

- [Jonah] Oops.

I'm so clumsy.

(eerie music)

- [Crow] I can't believe you did that.

So naughty.

You're my new favorite.

- [Tom] I didn't go through
your underwear drawer!

- [Jonah] She's a lot
more pleasant than I am

when Dracula wakes me up in the morning.

- [Tom] Don't get up too fast.

You're already a pint low.

- [Crow] She's really
working that doily lingerie.

- [Jonah] Santo's watching all of this?

- [Tom] It's never going to
heal if you keep picking at it.

- [Crow] Did you eat asparagus?

- [Jonah] Whoops, my fangs went back in.

I swear this never happens!

- [Crow] Yeah, we should break up.

- [Tom] Slow it down, everyone,

we got three cans of film
and two pages of scripts.

- [Jonah] So her
nightgown has a nightgown?

- [Crow] I hope you don't
mind, we're taking the bus.

- [Jonah] Whew, I'm stuffed!

Next time, we don't get the
Bloomin' Onion. (laughs)

- You do not have to
feel guilty, professor.

We have fulfilled our duty, by
saving the soul of poor Mara.

- But I must say, it has
been a very painful task.

- Let us see how your daughter is doing.

- [Tom] But first, cognac!

- Luisa's not here.

Lupe!

Where is Luisa?

- She is under a hypnotic trance.

- [Crow] That's our Lupe!

- Come on.

You will wake up at the count of three.

One.

- [Jonah] Mississippi.

- Two.

- [Crow] Two and a half.

- Three.

- [Tom] Okay, how does four sound?

- Wake up.

Lupe!

Where is Luisa?

- I don't know, sir.

The only thing I remember
is sleeping on this divan.

- [Jonah] Am I fired?

- Look!

The vampire took her.

We have to act quickly.

- But how can we find his hideout?

- This afternoon I asked a
shepherd to get a wolf dog.

This animal can track a vampire's essence.

Let's pray to God he found it.

- [Crow] Oo-de-lally,
Oo-de-lally, golly, what a night.

- I have chosen you as
my wife for all eternity.

- [Tom] Did you nod your head yes?

I can't tell.

(all cough)

- Where is she going with the va-va-

- What's a va-va?

- The vampire.

- Stop spitting on me!

Shut up, Alfred.

They're going to his secret lair.

- [Jonah] Don't make me
turn this film around!

- [Tom] Five failed pasta makers later.

- [Crow] The guard on duty
looks a little parched.

- Oh, goodness gracious.

Could all those little jewels be real?

- Shh.

- [Jonah] They'll hear us!

- [Crow] I'm way into Mardi Gras.

- In addition to giving you eternal life,

I will share with you my enormous wealth.

- [Tom] And matching 401K.

- This is the fabulous treasure
my ancestors left to me.

They come from Transylvania
in earthen covered coffins.

Only you, my dearest wife,
have laid eyes on it.

- [Crow] Also Todd, the pool guy.

- No mortal will ever know that
the site where they are now

has Serbian characters from
my medallion, and my ring.

- [Jonah] Got it.

- Now we must rest.

Our enemy, the sunlight,
will soon come out.

And if it surprises us-

- [Tom] We'll be the only ones.

- Its effects would be deadly.

- [Crow] We're immortal,
with a lot of exceptions.

- We will go to my shelter,
found in a distant graveyard.

- [Jonah] You're gonna just hate it.

- My bite has imbued you with my essence.

- [Crow] My herbal essence.

- Now you are part of the
undead, and you can fly.

- [Tom] Aside from blackout dates.

- Follow me.

- [Jonah] And you'll be in
a world of pure imagination!

- [Tom] Don Knotts & Tim
Conway are "The Private Eyes".

- [Crow] First rule of real estate,

echolocation, echolocation, echolocation.

(eerie music)

- [Jonah] Okay, I left my
spare around here somewhere.

Look for a fake rock.

(eerie music)

- [Crow] Architecture by Georgia O'Keefe.

- [Tom] This is where I keep my train set.

It has a little town and everything.

- [Jonah] Wow.

The orchestra is doing
some heavy lifting here.

(suspenseful music)

- [Crow] And there is where
we'll put a sick flatscreen.

(door creaks)

- [Tom] Huh, there's a door here.

- [Jonah] Now, lurk after me.

- [Crow] Good dog!

There should be lots of bones
for you to chew on there!

- [Tom] We have roommates.

Did I forget to mention that?

(speaks in foreign language)

- This will be your deathbed.

- [Jonah] The bed that eats.

- Come, the dawn is upon us.

We must take refuge in
the kingdom of darkness.

- [Tom] We play "A Thing
Called Love" on repeat.

- Get in.

- [Jonah] So how far is
Santo gonna let this go?

(coffin creaks)

- Enter.

- [Crow] But it's our wedding night!

- [Tom] I couldn't get
rid of the red couch,

because it was a gift,

so I put it right across
from the green couch.

Now in the sitting room-

- [Crow] Mein gott, man.

Shut up!

- [Jonah] If you have to drag
your dog to see the monster,

you might want to call it a night.

- [Tom] Sounds like the Call of the Mild.

- [Jonah] Let's see what's
inside coffin number one!

- We found him, professor!

- [Tom] Count Alucard,
what's he doing here?

- [Crow] Stakes to meet you!

I'm still working on that one.

- [Jonah] Van Roth always seems confused

by his own cleverness.

- Luisa.

Luisa!

- It's no use, professor.

Now she's dead.

- [Crow] Let me make her double-dead.

- What are you gonna do to my daughter?

- He's gonna kill her!

- If he kills her,

I won't be able to bring
her back to this side.

Hurry, we have to bring her back.

- [Tom] I just remembered
that we know her!

- [Jonah] Still here!

- Unfortunately, there is no hope

left in this life for Luisa,

for the vampire bit her three times.

- [Crow] And Santo watched it all.

- [Tom] I have several questions

about how this technology works,

but most of them are answered by,

they already had this footage.

(eerie music)

- [Crow] This has been a Spin
and Marty Krofft Production.

♪ I've got me a time machine ♪

♪ It's as big as a whale ♪

- [Jonah] Remember, we know nothing!

- [Crow] Give your Santo a hug!

Tell him all about summer camp!

- [Tom] Let's give her five minutes

and then send her to meet
Frankenstein's Monster.

- [Jonah] I helped!

- Santo, there's no pulse!

There's a face!

- That doesn't matter now.

Give me coramine, professor.

- Here you go.
- [Tom] Knock yourself out.

- She has no pulse.

She's dying!

- Oh God!

Oh!

- [Crow] Dying lady!
- What's the matter?

- I don't know.

I'm feeling dizzy.

This is too much pressure for me.

- [Jonah] And he's hardly working.

- Oh!

- [Tom] Hey, the maid left.

Can you fold this?

- That was an awful experience.

- Calm down.

It's already over.

Get some rest.

- [Crow] But I've slept most of the movie.

- [Jonah] Oh, and my dog
will need that blanket back.

(doors lock)

Agh!

Welcome back to QV-Santo,

the premier home shopping network

for mystical luchador accessories.

I, of course, am Santo.

- And I'm Lisa Rinna.

Today, we're looking at this
gorgeous mistletoe necklace,

absolutely guaranteed
to keep away Draculas.

- Isn't that nice?

Just make sure your hypnotized maid

doesn't take it from you.

- What do I always say?

"You can't take your eye off the help!"

- Oh, okay.

But the mistletoe necklace
isn't all we've got

in the Santo/Lisa Rinna
anti-monster talisman collection.

- The lovely Crow is
modeling this simply smashing

werewolf-repelling silver wallet chain.

- Now, this is a very long wallet chain.

- Perfect for the shopper
dealing with a lot of werewolves!

- Although we should warn you,

a wallet chain of this length
will attract swing dancers.

- Well, I'd rather have the werewolves!

Last thing I need is a bunch of losers

in sleeveless undershirts and fedoras

jumping all over the place.

- Okay!

Let's move on.

Thank you, Crow!

- And here comes Tom Servo!

Not much to look at,
but a great personality.

- And he's sporting our
medusa-protection hat.

Now, remind me again, Lisa,

why is Medusa afraid of a
hat covered in tangled wires?

- Well, she's not so much
afraid as she is jealous.

It's like showing up to a party

wearing the same dress as your rival.

- Imagine how embarrassed
that gorgon will be

when she sees you making the scene

with your own kind of snake-y
looking thing on your head.

- You'll turn her to stone!

Then maybe she can chip off a few pounds!

I mean, how big are those mice
she's feeding those snakes?

- Okay!

All right, that's great!

Thank you, Tom.

Now, we've got more coming up

in our anti-monster talisman collection.

A yeti-stopping broach.

A banshee-blocking belt buckle.

A Chupacabra-repulsing hair scrunchy.

- And much, much more.

Operators are standing
by to take your order.

- Who would be dumb
enough to buy that junk?

- Hi, Cindy.

Yes, I would love

to get the Grendel-reducing
compression socks.

Oh, do you want the football phone?

- No!

- No.

Okay.

My name and credit card number?

Yeah.

My name is Max.

M, as in Mussolini.

A as in Atulea.

X as in Xander Berkley.

- Lisa, you gotta stop
saying that stuff on air!

- Stop trying to cancel me!

- I'm not trying to cancel...

Oh, what am I supposed to
do, push this button or?

- It's Intermission Sign!

Don't they have that where you're from?

- Oh!

We'll be right back.

Hey!

All right!

We did it, guys!

We successfully sold all
of our old junk to Max.

- All right!

How much did we make?

- About 40 bucks, but better
than a poke in the eye.

- Oh, brother.

(klaxon blares)

- [All] We've got movie sign!

(doors unlock)

- How's she doing?

- She is nervous, but the
painkiller took effect.

She will be fine.

She is quite fearless.

How about Perico?

- I left him resting in the upstairs room.

He really doesn't seem to
have the stomach for it.

- What do you think of this, professor?

- That we are facing
something positively amazing,

that may lead to investigations
never done before.

- [Crow] Prosecuting Santo.

- The invention of the century.

- Wait a minute, professor.

During the experiment, we
forget something important.

Who was that man with the
black mask who entered the lab?

- [Tom] Ooh!

Tighty blackies!

- Hello, father.

- Hello, mother.
- [Hooded Fez] Atlas.

I have witnessed an incredible experiment.

Something so amazing
you wouldn't believe it,

no matter what.

- I believe everything you say, father.

- [Hooded Fez] I will
tell you everything later.

Come with me.

We have to round up our men.

- [Jonah] That's one sinister beekeeper.

Ah!
- [Tom] Oh!

We interrupt Mexican Odd Couple
for this important bulletin.

- [Hooded Fez] Listen carefully.

From now on, you will be
watching Dr. Sepulveda's place.

I want you to tap his phone
and to install cameras.

- [Crow] Hear that, Carlos Sagan?

- [Hooded Fez] This job
will bring us great riches.

And remember, I won't tolerate any guns.

The life of Santo and his friends
must be sacred to you all.

Over and out.

- [Jonah] He's evil, but he's got a code.

- Hey, Dandy, what could the boss want?

- I don't know, Raton.

It must be something big, as always.

- It's just that, I don't
really like Santo is involved.

- You afraid of him?

- Afraid?

No, I'm terrified.

- You coward!
- [Tom] Oh!

So much for emotional transparency.

- Professor, the proof we need
is in the vampire's coffin.

- [Crow] Yoo-hoo!
- No!

You don't know what you're saying.

Please, let the undead sleep in peace.

- [Jonah] They need their eight hours!

- Can't you see my only
interest is scientific?

Now that I am about to prove my theory,

you will leave me alone?

- [Crow] It's for the science, baby.

- We need your help.

Only you, who walked
the road in another time

and place can take us there.

- [Tom] And get sucked and staked?

Bite me, Santo!

♪ Little dead corvette ♪

- Santo, I only hope we don't regret

what could happen tonight.

- Only with your help we will
be able to solve this mystery.

- The answer could be horrible, Santo.

- [Crow] I live for horrible, baby.

- Get out!

- No.

- Are you afraid?

- Yes, very afraid.

- Aren't you a man?

- I am a little mouse.

- Oh, come on!

- [Tom] Topo Gigio.

- We must be really careful now,

or the graveyard keeper could
find out what we're doing.

- [Jonah] And he'll want to
show us pictures of his kids.

So, get ready for that.

- Move it, wimp.

- [Tom] Perico knows what he's about.

And I respect that!

- [Crow] Mr. T surrounded
his grave with decoys.

- [Jonah] I bury the fool

who doesn't surround
his grave with decoys!

(speaks in foreign language)

- [Crow] Luisa is ready to
be baked at 400 degrees.

- [Jonah] 'Sup!

- Oh, mama!

Agh!

- [Jonah] All right.

- What's wrong?

- There, standing was a man with a ma-

- Don't be a liar, Perico.

There's no one there.

- I swear on my sons, I
saw the man standing there!

- You don't have any sons.

- Well, the ones I will have!

- [Crow] I doubt it.

- Please, Santo, something terrible-

- Be quiet, Perico.

- Good.

Now the important thing is for Luisa

to remember which grave leads
us to the vampire's lair.

Can you do it?

- I will try.

- We should go and come back.

- I said be quiet, Perico.

Let's go.

- Light the way, please.

- [Tom] Incredible!

It's almost as if no
time has passed at all.

- [Jonah] Ah!

Evil bush!

- [Luisa] This is the one.

- Are you sure?

- [Luisa] Yes.

- [Crow] You were watching!

- Perico, go get the shovels
and pickaxes from the car.

- The sho-sho-hoes?

- The shovels and the pickaxes.

- All by myself?

- Sure.

Go.
- Luisa, come with me.

- Oh, go.

Stop fooling around.

- But over there is the man with the ma-

- Run, you little girl, and don't walk.

- [Tom] We need to pad out the film,

hurry up and take your time!

- [Jonah] Perico, activate turbo mode!

- [Tom] No, it's all shadowing.

- [Jonah] Yes, physical comedy,

always much better when you can't see it.

- [Tom] Sir, it's nothing

but a White Claw and
Koosh balls back here!

- [Crow] Heigh ho!

Heigh ho-o-o-o-o!

- [Jonah] Spooky Minecraft?

- [Crow] Okay, who got
the Pumpkin Spice shovel?

- Next time, send someone else.

I won't do it again, ever again.

- Now what's the problem?

- I know you won't believe me,

but over there I saw the man with the ma-

- [Tom] No.
- Again?

- [Tom] Santo vs The Mummy is next week.

- I'm just saying, if I
hadn't brought my belt,

my pants would have fallen off.

- [Jonah] And then you would
have seen my bu-bu-bu-bu!

- We are going inside?

- Yeah, little baby.

- No, I better stay out here
and watch the lock for you

so nobody steals it because it's ancient,

therefore, it's priceless right?

- No, you are coming with us.

- [Tom] Can't you see we're beltless?

- You won't abuse the
fact that I am skinny.

- Look, so you can feel
safer, take this whistle.

If you are in danger,

just whistle and we will come to help you.

(Crow pants)

- [Jonah] At this point,

they should just install an escalator.

- [Crow] Wow, the last time
I was here was my honeymoon!

- [Tom] Hey, turn up
your jacket, I can't see.

- [Jonah] We can see perfectly

thanks to these two-watt flashlights!

- I seem to remember
there was a door here.

- Are you sure?

- Yes.

- Give a light.

- [Crow] Goodbye, Newman!

- [Tom] We've secretly replaced

this mausoleum door with a brick wall.

Can Santo tell the difference?

Let's watch.

(door creaks)

- [Jonah] Ah, that sound!

Perico, go back to the
car and get the WD40!

(suspenseful music)

- [Tom] Hey, there's a
whole orchestra back here!

- [Crow] Guys, wait for Perico

and his sensible graverobbing slacks!

- [Jonah] Hey, you got
your Spirit Halloween Store

in my Ed Wood movie.

- [Tom] No, you got your Ed Wood movie

in my Spirit Halloween store!

- [Crow] Menudo does Abbey Road!

- [Jonah] I'm gonna lose it
if they run into a Sleestack.

- [Tom] El Dorfo on Golfo!

- [Crow] This film brought to you

by the National Cave Council.

We Spelunk and Junk.

(suspenseful music)

- [Jonah] Ooh, that's some
hot corner-turnin' music.

- [Tom] Someone else wanna take front?

I should've made my eyeholes bigger.

- [Crow] Benny, go feed the meter!

- [Tom] Lenny, go feed the meter.

- [Crow] Denny, go feed the meter!

- [Tom] Kenny, go feed the meter.

- [Crow] Why I always
gotta feed the meter?

- [Jonah] Luisa, this is
no time for a conga line!

- What's going on?

- [Crow] Bonk!

Ow!
- You heard that?

What was that noise?

- [Tom] Hey, boss, this
would be a cool spot

for our Dead Poet Society meetings.

- [Jonah] Oh, yeah.

Wow, they went all out on this
year's goth Easter egg hunt.

- [Crow] Jeez, don't tell
me Willie Nelson got bit!

- Turn off the light, professor.

- Oh!

- [Tom] Suede in a cave?

Oh, honey.

That is some loud dirt!

(suspenseful music)

(Luisa screams)

- [Jonah] Tickle fight!

- [Crow] You just got Santo'd!

- [Tom] Is Santo fighting for
purely scientific purposes?

- [Jonah] Oh, don't try
to jump in or anything,

I guess I got this.

- [Crow] I like to watch.

- Quick, let's go!

- [Tom] Before our suits get ripped

and our wives ask questions!

- Santo, are you okay?

- Are you hurt?

- No, I am okay.

And you?

- Better than ever.

- Congratulations, Perico.

You are one tough gangster.

- That's me, brave as a lion when needed.

I even forgot about the whistle.

- That's the spirit, Perico.

(Luisa laughs)

What's wrong with you?

(whistle blows)

- Swallowed.

- [Jonah] Foul!

- The whistle.
(whistle blows)

- [Crow] Offsides!
- What now?

What were you thinking?

- It was all (whistle blows)

- [Jonah] First down!

- Your fault.

(whistle blows)

Those pats you...

(whistle blows)
- [Crow] Strike!

- Man, you are clumsy.

- And now (whistle blows)

I can't (whistle blows)

- Just leave it to me.

(whistle blows)

- No, no!

Just leave him alone. (laughs)

- [Crow] He's gonna die.

- Well, now we are certain
that the black hooded man

is onto us because of our
discoveries in this place.

- Most certainly.

- [Jonah] Yes, we're all
agreed on whatever you said.

- Good, let's keep going then.

- [Tom] Meanwhile, at Make Out Point.

- We'll meet at the lair.

Keep going.

- But boss, we can get them if
you just let us use our guns.

- No!

Out of the question.

We know what we are looking for.

From now on we will wait
for Santo to find the rest.

- [Crow] Now, come on!

I hear the Judy Garland Museum

just got a pair of ruby
slippers we can swipe.

- [Jonah] Ah, I just feel like

I could've fixed him, you know?

- Now we will know the truth.

- [Crow] Boxers or briefs?

- Count Dracula, the king of vampires.

- [Tom] More of a Duke
of the vampires, really.

- What are you doing, Perico?

- He looks like my uncle.

- Don't be stupid.

Get up.

- [Crow] Your uncle sleeps
in a gutter, not a cave.

- No, Santo.

Don't do it.

Please, let's just go.

- [Tom] Huh, it just says Thug Life.

- Move it, Perico.

- He looks just like my uncle.

- [Jonah] Great science work, everyone!

- It's a relief to leave this place.

Let's just go.

I'm afraid for what could happen next.

- Don't worry, Luisa, we are done here.

- You're wrong.

This is the beginning of a
chain of misfortunes to come.

- I will close the gate.

- [Crow] I have accomplished
the specific task

of closing the gate.

- [Tom] Just me, or does
it feel like a Tuesday?

(Jonah laughs)

- Now I will work on
translating the seven words

inscribed on this medallion,

which mark the exact location
of the vampire's treasure.

- You are missing one
important thing, Santo.

With the excitement of our
discovery, we forgot the ring.

- (sighs) That's true, doctor.

- The two objects complement each other.

Without the ring, we won't be
able to translate these words.

- [Jonah] Or we can find a Serbian.

- How could I forget?

I will go back for the ring.

- [Tom] And I will bring the receipt.

- Santo, I beg of you,
forget about all of this

and return the medallion to its place.

- [Crow] My neck.

- Beg your pardon?

- I can't help it.

I've had the feeling something
horrible would happen,

ever since the day we entered that crypt.

- [Jonah] She mean like an hour ago?

- I'm scared, Santo.

We shouldn't have touched those objects.

People like us should
never play with things

we don't understand.

- However, I must
continue for two reasons,

to prove to those scientists who mocked me

that my theory was right.

- [Tom] My DeVry degree is no joke.

- And to find the
vampire's famous treasure,

which we will help the people in need.

(coffin creaks)

- [Crow] With that ring,

he can decode CRYPT-ograms. (cackling)

(coffin creaks)

- [Tom] And suddenly,

Dracula becomes the most
sympathetic character in the movie.

- [Crow] Please help!

We can't stop!

- Good morning.

- Good morning.

- [Jonah] Look at him,
pushing that old gas guzzler.

Catch.

- [Crow] Wee.

- [Jonah] Wee.

- [Perico] You called us?

- I've decided that tonight

we will go for the vampire's ring.

- Who?

- You, Dr. Sepulveda, and me.

- Oh, no no.

You two go, because I will only return

to the cemetery once I'm dead.

- [Tom] Done!

- You two better go, and I will stay here

and take care of the
girl and the house, okay?

- Oh, no, sir.

You will come with us, understood?

- Well, if you put it that way, then.

- Alright, we will invent
an excuse for Luisa,

and then go to the cemetery at midnight.

- [Crow] But wait!

We didn't get to see
you get out of your car,

walk across the graveyard,
fumble with the gate,

walk down the stairs and
struggle with the hidden door!

- [Jonah] Now, let's find
out who he really is.

- The ring is missing.

- The only person who followed us here

was the man with the black hood.

- I'm sure he must have taken it.

- Congrats.

You're a genius.

- Idiot.

- [Crow] Haters gonna hate.

- Oh!

Wait for me!

- [Tom] That cross has
a sign, "Be back in 10"?

(suspenseful music)

- [Jonah] Oh, it was a graveyard smash!

- [Crow] The Blues Hermanos!

No!

- Freeze!

Don't move.

Please!

- [Tom] But I gotta wrassle!

- Santo, don't make me kill you.

- [Jonah] Over that sweater.

- Santo, I have a proposal for you.

You have the necklace
and I the vampire ring.

Why don't we work as a team

and decipher those Serbian words?

- [Crow] Let's start with
deciphering your words!

- And after that, we share
the treasure equally.

Do we have a deal?

- No way, sir.

You would use that fortune for evil deeds.

- That's your final decision?

- Yes.

- Santo, I spared your life
because you were of use to me,

but since you won't cooperate,

your lives are no longer necessary.

- Wait a minute.

- [Jonah] I'll join you!

- If you kill us all,

you won't get the necklace
and the medallion.

Besides, we are also
interested in owning that ring.

- [Tom] Ooh, a literal Mexican standoff.

- I can tell you that this young man

is a formidable wrestler.

- [Crow] Huh?
- How about we arrange

a match with Santo, and the winner

will be able to keep the two objects.

- That's an excellent idea.

Are you up to it, son?

- [Jonah] Yup. Yup.

- Fine.

The match will take
place 15 days from today,

in a crowded arena.

- Agreed.

- Good.

At the end of the match,

the two objects shall be
delivered to the winner.

Move out!

- [Tom] Let's make like a ski and daddle.

- [Crow] This sweater
better not be snagged.

- Gee, that was a close one, right?

- (chuckles) Please forgive me, Santo.

That was the only idea
I had to save ourselves.

- And it was good doctor,

but how can we be sure that
this guy won't fight dirty,

and that he will keep his word?

- [Jonah] Well, we can't!

- That man is very cunning.

We will have to level the playing field.

We will devise a plan,

and at the end of the
match, we will catch him.

- (laughs) Don't worry about it.

No matter what, the treasure will be ours.

- [Crow] A triple-double cross!

- Check this out.

The perfect throw is this way.

- [Tom] Are they on a California King?

- See?

Now, don't pull on his hair,

because that will be an
illegal move in the ring.

So, you lift him up this way.

- [Jonah] I trusted you!

- If he doesn't get up, don't
try to pull on his ears.

He could pass out from the pain.

You just pick him up again.

- [Tom] And you call this wrestling, huh?

- See how easy it is?

- It was very kind of
you to help me train.

Let's go to my dressing room.

I need to talk to you privately.

- Okay.

- [Crow] Perico!

You need to leave him!

(men laugh)

- What's so funny?

- [Jonah] There's a
Ziggy comic on the wall.

- You should have seen me
fighting the other guys.

- [Jonah] Okay.

[Tom] That's called Machis-less.

(doors lock)

- Hello, wrestling fans, and welcome

to the Smack-atellite of Love
for Early Autumn Shoving Match

X-V-I-I-I and another I and
one more X and a final I.

Our main event?

The steel cage, money bucket, ladder toss,

trampoline gorilla brawl between

these two mechanical monsters,

the Clear Crusader and
Alexander Slam Bell!

Okay, okay.

All right.

Settle down!

Now, what do you two have
to say to each other?

- Well, you know, Mean Jonah,

this guy, The Clear Crusader,

I'm gonna take him out to lunch!

- Oh!

Okay!

- And let me tell ya, brother,

when you pull out your wallet,
I'm gonna say, "It's on me."

Then I'm gonna take you to the cleaners!

And I'll pay for that, too!

- Whoa, kind words from a kind bot.

Now, Crusader, what do you think of that?

- Listen up, brother, in two weeks' time,

when you fly into Memphis for our brawl,

I'm gonna be at the airport waiting,

so you don't have to take the shuttle!

I'm gonna help with your luggage, brother!

And you can pick the music
on the ride to my house.

What are you gonna do,

when these 40 inch pythons

make up the bed in my guest room for you?

- Okay.

All right.

- Bed skirt for you!
- All right, all right.

Big words from the champ.

This is gonna be some kinda
match, and I am looking forward-

- Now, hold on there, Mean Jonah,

I wanna respond to the Creep Crusader!

- Okay, okay, let's hear it.

- By saying he's not a creep at all!

He's a big ol' sweetie, brother!

He's got a magnificent personality

and he just listens instead
of just waiting to talk.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa there!

I'm not gonna let that
just go without telling you

that you look like you
were chiseled by Da Vinci

from the finest Italian marble!

- Okay.

All right.

- Oh, that is it, brother!

- Oh, we gonna do this right now?

- Gentlemen, please!

- I'm gonna hug him right now!
- Just let me at him!

That's right, brother!

- Save it for the ring!

This is pandemonium!

- I bet he smells like
grass just after the rain!

- I admire you and the values
you stand for, brother!

- This is too much!

Save it for the ring, fellas!

- You're my medical
emergency contact, brother!

- We gotta save it for the ring!

Oh, no!

We got Movie Sign!

(doors unlock)

Welcome to my dressing room.

Much like the chair, this
table's a time machine.

- What is it, Santo?

- Look, Equis, I'm involved
in a dangerous situation

and I may need your help one day.

- You can count on me, unconditionally,

and also with all your wrestling friends.

- [Tom] Captain Lou Albano,

Earthquake, even Haystacks Calhoun.

- Here, have this communication
watch with you at all times.

- [Crow] It's also dubbed.

- If one day I'm in danger
and wish to speak with you,

I will do so using this watch.

- Alright.

- [Jonah] This is my
peanut allergy bracelet!

- [Voiceover] Tonight,
Sensacional wrestling match,

Santo versus Atlas.

- [Tom] Nuclear Physicist.

(crowd cheering)

- [Crow] He's wearing Dracula's treasure!

♪ He's a brick casa ♪

- [Jonah] He's mighty mighty.

- [Crow] I'm the Leprechaun!

- Yeah, keep screaming.

- [Tom] We will, but not
because you told us to!

(crowd cheering)

- [Jonah] It's dollar store Zorro!

- [Crow] Now, I want this
to be a fair bloodbath.

- [Tom] You both look ridiculous.

Okay, thank you.

- [Jonah] Oh, careful,

you'll give yourself
an atomic super wedgie!

(horn rings)

- [Crow] Not now, Perico!

- [Tom] Yeah, you can just
smell the baby oil and cerveza.

- [Jonah] And here's a move!

And here's that same move.

And there's a slight
variation on that same move.

And here we go again!

- [Crow] Most of wrestling is
just different types of hugs.

(crowd cheering)

- [Tom] Be careful, my beautiful child!

- [Crow] Ooh, his signature move,

the Pelvic Misunderstanding!

- [Jonah] It's almost
like they're taking turns.

(crowd cheering)

- [Tom] I guess the ref is
there for decorative purposes.

- [Crow] Nobody cares about
Batman now that Dracula's real.

- [Jonah] Ooh, the Idris Elbow!

- [Crow] Give him the Wetzle Pretzel, son!

- [Tom] That's one visible panty line.

- [Jonah] Geez, and I thought
Dracula had bloodlust.

- [Crow] Tag me in, Santo,

I was the Masked Can Opener
in my backyard wrestling days!

- [Jonah] Ooh, the self-serve rope-a-dope!

- [Tom] Two men enter, two men leave.

- [Crow] Thank you!

Please like and subscribe!

(crowd cheering)

- [Jonah] Atlas slugged.

- [Crow] And by the way, you're adopted.

- [Tom] Float like a butterfly.

Sting like a baked potato.

Yeah!

- [Jonah] But we're still going
for ice cream, right, dad?

You said win or lose, dad.

(crowd cheering)

- [Crow] Eternally grateful,
internally bleeding!

(knock on door)

- Come in.

- [Tom] I was just
catching up on my e-mails.

- Good evening.

- Good evening.

- Congratulations.

You are an extraordinary wrestler.

It isn't easy to defeat my son
thoroughly, but you did it.

Here's what was agreed.

- [Jonah] It says, "Drink Your Ovaltine."

- I think there's nothing more to add.

If you excuse me.

- Wait.

I must tell you,

I'm going to hand you
over to the authorities.

- [Crow] Narc!

- I haven't done it yet
because of our deal,

and I am a man of my word.

- I expect no less from a man like you.

Good night.

- [Tom] Sleep tight.

Do not let the bedbugs bite.

- Before they can escape
I always take precautions.

Look.

- [Jonah] Is this your card?

- I made an exact copy of the ring

and soon we will have the necklace too.

- [Crow] Prepare to wrestle again.

- Those four idiots.

They think they already beat us,

and they don't see the terrible plan

I have prepared for them.

- [Tom] And they say
women can't be freemasons.

- [Jonah] Tiny neigh!

- What's wrong, Luisa?

I'm waiting for you to go to the garden.

- I was just going to
go with you, Paquita.

- What a pretty necklace!

Is it yours?

- No, it belongs to Uncle Santo.

- Can I play with it?

- No, sweetheart, children
shouldn't play with this.

- [Crow] Or helium.
- I like it.

- Yes, it's beautiful in appearance,

but you shouldn't touch it.

- Why?

- [Tom] Your fingers are sticky.

- Because it was made by very bad people.

- [Jonah] I'll put it right here,

where you can find it later, okay?

(sings in foreign language)

- [Crow] Ugh, they're vultures!

- We will pull out the stake from him.

He will return to life and kill the ones

who have his necklace and
ring, Santo and his friends.

Now, rip out that stake.

- Me, boss?

- Yes, you.

Aren't you a brave man?

- No, boss.

- Coward.

Just go!

- [Jonah] It's just another stake out.

I'm sorry, that sounded better in my head.

- (grunts) Move out.

- [Crow] Harry Nilsson,

that's the name I was trying to remember.

- [Tom] Sleeping Beauty had
less sleeping than this movie.

- [Jonah] Man alive, I am
sweating like a sinner in church.

(drums banging)

- [Tom] Is that a Timpani lamp?

I love Timpani.

- [Crow] Quick swig of cognac.

- [Jonah] And one for my homies.

(Crow laughs)

(eerie music)

- [Tom] Hey, they live in the Brady house!

- [Crow] Ah, yes, Brood Descending
a Staircase, Number two.

- [Jonah] And she's already lost.

- [Crow] As W.C. Fields once said,

"Never work with children or vampires."

- [Jonah] He said that?

- [Crow] Yep.

- [Tom] That's some prime
sneakin' right there.

- [Jonah] Good sneaking oboe too.

- [Tom] Oboe you didn't.

- [Jonah] Ugh, she came
downstairs to read?

Nerd!

- [Tom] 1960s Pixar.

- [Crow] I'll finally get back

that slingshot teacher confiscated!

(suspenseful music)

- [Jonah] Mannequin three,
this time it's a guy.

- [Tom] He's got a lifesize
George Hamilton in his office!

- [Crow] Wait, you have to invite me in.

Wait, are we not doing that one?

- [Jonah] A late night
Miller's Crossing reenactment!

This is awesome!

(eerie music)

- [Crow] Ugh, I got a drink
of water, stole this necklace,

finished my Malcolm Gladwell
book and I'm still not tired!

- [Tom] Can't wait to see what
this Necklace Fairy gave me!

(eerie music)

- [Jonah] Dracula,
Prince of Day for Night.

- [Crow] Stay close together.

If one trips, we all trip!

(gun fires)

- [Tom] Check out whack-ula over here!

- [Jonah] While visions of Kay
jewelers danced in her head.

(bat screeches)

- [Tom] Still got it!

- [Crow] Aw man!

Why are they always asleep
when I do something cool?

- [Jonah] I'm usually
not a veal guy, but oh...

(suspenseful music)

- [Tom] I'm crushing your head!

- [Crow] Hey, wait a minute.

I know you from somewhere.

Bridge club?

Pottery Class?

Pilates?

Definitely not church.

- [Jonah] Dracula's been
out of the movie for a while

and dammit, he's going to make
the most of his screen time.

- [Crow] Yoink!

- [Tom] Wait, I remember
you now, jury duty.

- [Jonah] Enhance!

Enhance!

Enhance!

(suspenseful music)

- [Crow] Take the child!

- Look into my eyes, Luisa.

- [Tom] My eyes are up here.

- You are under my power.

- Yes, master.

- [Dracula] Get dressed and follow me.

- [Jonah] I'll be in
the, how you say, car.

- [Tom] I think I'll
wear that cute jumpsuit

I got for Maria's quincenera

with the Partridge Family ruffles

and the hooped earrings
with my silver trenchcoat.

No no, I'm too old to pull that off.

Perhaps that beaded Nehru jacket

I got for the art museum charity event,

or will that be too flashy for the crypt?

And of course there's
the whole shoe situation.

- [Crow] Santo unmasked?

- [Jonah] And still silver on top.

(suspenseful music)

- [Tom] Oh, that's nice.

I'm glad those crazy kids
finally worked things out.

- You idiots.

Didn't I tell you to be alert,

and that if you saw the
vampire to run immediately?

- Got it, boss.

But boss, we can get them if
you just let us use our guns.

- You fool!

The bullet that can destroy a vampire

hasn't been invented yet.

- [Crow] A garlic bullet?

- Let's go to see what happened.

Let's hope to find Santo
and his friends dead by now.

If so, I know how to
exterminate the vampire

to reclaim the objects.

- [Jonah] Are you a cyclops, sir?

- With them I will fly to Transylvania

to have someone translate
the Serbian words.

Then the treasure will be ours.

Move it!

- [Crow] So my theory is that bees

are actually getting the
honey from somewhere else,

they don't make it at all.

- [Tom] Watch out, it's Killer Bob!

- [Jonah] Everybody was Cane Fu Fighting!

I'm sorry I did that.

I didn't mean to.

- [Crow] And a good evening to you, sir.

(suspenseful music)

- [Tom] My head and my groin!

My two favorite parts!

- [Jonah] We'll just get a little soil

from your homeland on the way out.

Could we just turn into bats?

Oh, no, no.

- [Crow] It's a good thing I had my hand

or my pants would've fallen down.

(knocks on door)

- [Tom] This Urgent Care is really secure.

- [Jonah] Hey, I really gotta go.

Can you dry your hair out here, please?

I'll just go right here.

- [Crow] Little bush,
you're my only friend.

- Jose, Jose, what happened to you?

- Boss, a man.

A man.

- A man!

- With strange clothes,
wearing a medallion.

- [Tom] I'm pretty sure it was Serbian.

- He took miss Luisa away.

- Professor!

Perico!

- [Jonah] Slumber party's over!

- Santo here, calling Equis.

Santo here, calling Equis.

Listen to my instructions.

(car engine roars)

- [Tom] Doctor Cesar
Sepulveda, Nuclear Whoa!

- Surely they have the
necklace and the ring.

Come, we have to catch them.

- [Crow] Look into my hubcap.

You are under my power.

- [Jonah] I've told you Santo,

you can't run back the
odometer by driving in reverse!

- [Crow] Great, they
brought the human C3PO.

- Black hooded man calling.

Black hooded man calling.

- [Tom] This is Howard Hughes
and the Rocketeer, over.

- Dandy speaking.

- Dandy, catch up with me.

We must stop Santo's car.

- Got it, boss.

Over.

- [Jonah] Is the hubcap dating
the second Unit Director?

(Crow laughs)

- [Crow] I really need some new friends.

- [Tom] They bought the rights
to this muffler sound effect

and by golly they're gonna use it.

(car engine roars)

- After them!

- [Jonah] No, we forgot the EZ Pass!

- [Tom] So a booming soundtrack

as the little girl walks around the house,

but silence during a car chase.

Okay.

(Dixie horn)

(tires screech)

- [Crow] I'm rooting for the cars.

- [Tom] Did they not have
an exterior lighting kit or?

- [Jonah] For science!

- [Tom] All this because
of a lack of a Serbian.

- [Jonah] This happens at so many stores

on Black Hooded Friday.

- [Crow] Oof.

Right in the fudge maker!

- [Tom] This fight scene needs pies.

- [Jonah] Yeah, it does.

Stop it fellas.

Your lives are all too sacred to us!

(tires screech)

(Dixie horn)

(siren blares)

- [Tom] A hood on a hood on a hood!

- [Jonah] It's the cinco cero!

- Freeze everyone!

- Nobody move!

- [Tom] The cops are here while
Dracula walks the streets?

- Don't move!
- Santo, are you alright?

- [Crow] I don't know.

It's too dark to tell.

- Now we will find out who
is the black hooded man.

- [Jonah] On the count
of three, we'll ask him.

- Doctor Kur!

- Who?

- Officers, this man belongs to you.

We will go later to
the police headquarters

to file the indictment against him.

- [Crow] We came for you, Santo.

- Come on.

We've already wasted a lot of time.

- Come on, move!

Let's go!

- Let me see!

Let me see!

- No, no, Perico.

It's too late.

- [Tom] He's dead.

- We will seek the blood of
mortals, which keeps us alive.

- [Jonah] No, baby.

(tires screech)

- [Crow] Perico, do something humiliating.

I don't have time to figure it all out.

(suspenseful music)

- [Tom] They've gotten
really good at Dragon's Lair!

- [Jonah] Oh, he just Velma'd.

(Dracula groans)

- [Crow] Nothing but net!

- You have arrived at the right moment

to watch the initiation of the undead.

- [Tom] Please show your tickets.

- Of the one who will be my wife.

After that, your punishment will be death,

for the audacity of desecrating my refuge!

- [Jonah] We didn't touch your refushe!

- Now what are we going to do?

- Just wait.

The night is almost over.

- The Spice Girls!

- Mara!

- [Crow] Present!

- The ceremonial spoon, my lord.

- [Jonah] Okay.

Anyone have a preference
for white or dark meat?

A little bit of both.

Okay.

- He's going to kill her!

- [Tom] Gross, gross, gross, gross!

- Now!

- She exploded?

- The light!

It's that damned sunlight!

- [Crow] It's a sunquake!

- Why have you done this?

- [Jonah] Oh, you just lift it.

That's how you...

Okay.

(Dracula screams)

- [Tom] Thank God I saved you!

(Dracula screams)

- Woo-hoo-hoo, that was really close!

- I still don't understand what happened.

This is a miracle.

- No miracles here, doctor.

It was all part of my plan.

- Plan?
- Hello, Santo.

Everything okay?

- Perfect timing.

- Who are they, Santo?

- My fellow wrestlers.

I gave Equis instructions
to put a charge of dynamite.

- [Crow] Beep-beep.
- And to detonate it

when I gave him the signal
using my communication watch.

The rest is history.

- Oh!

- Well, apart from you,
I don't see anyone else.

Where is the danger you told me about?

- [Jonah] I am the danger.
- There.

- [Equis] What's that?

- [Santo] A vampire.

- [Equis] What?

- [Crow] Eat up.

- [Santo] A human vampire,

and the others are
remains of vampire women.

- [Tom] They should have worn sunscreen.

(indistinct) was right.

- [Jonah] Don't ever call me again.

- Ah, so that's it.

Take two aspirins, and
please, see me in the morning.

Let's go, boys.

- [Crow] We'll bill ya
for the dynamite, weirdo.

- It seems they didn't believe me.

- Seeing is believing, right?

- I'm glad this is all over, finally.

- [Tom] Ditto.

- You were right, my dear Luisa.

Now I understand what you
meant to say when you said,

"Humans should never ever enter
the world of the unknown."

- Let's go.

- [Jonah] Next time, I'll
send you to the future

where it's safe.

- [Crow] All that
desecratin's made me hungry.

Chicken and waffles, anyone?

- [Tom] We take good
care of Paquita, right?

(eerie music)

- [Jonah] Doesn't it feel
like a Tuesday to anyone else?

- [Tom] Oh, yeah.

[Crow] And now let us
celebrate with some cognac!

- [Jonah] Hey!

(doors lock)

Well, another day,

another supernatural
conquest for old Santo.

- Would it kill the guy to at
least pretend to be excited

about fighting a Dracula?

- He sees a vampire get vaporized

and he doesn't even raise an eyebrow!

- To be fair.

- To be fair.

- That's hard to do through a face mask.

Plus, by this point, Santo's seen it all.

Mummies, Frankensteins, evil brains.

- He's had a staggering
number of adventures

for a dude with a dad bod.

No wonder he's so blase.

- Really makes you
appreciate the character

who does react to what's
happening onscreen.

- Oh, Crow, do you mean-

- The one, the only...

- Perico!

- All rise for the Perico
Loyalty Club March!

♪ Perico, he is loyal and true ♪

♪ Perico, he will put up with you ♪

♪ Perico, he steals every scene ♪

♪ He's the bestest wrestling sidekick ♪

♪ That there ever has been ♪

♪ Ole Santo's no Dean Martin ♪

♪ But you get this movie startin' ♪

♪ Every time we see you dartin' ♪

♪ Cross the screen ♪

♪ Perico ♪

♪ Perico ♪

♪ Perico ♪

- Yeah!

- Ah, Perico!

You know, our first experimental
screening in the Gizmoplex

is a wild success.

- Kinga, I have good news!

I just got a Kingagram
from our weather satellite,

it says, we are due for a
media storm of epic proportion!

- Oh, this is great!

Wait a minute!

Idiot!

This says meteor storm not media storm!

What?

(meteor whistles)

(meteor booms)

(siren blares)

The Gizmoplex!

We're ruined!

Now our only option is
to turn to Dr. Cabal,

the strange financier from the future!

That is the last thing we need!

- But Kinga, the Cambots!

We gotta get them out of here!

Attention!

Attention, please!

If you are piloting a Cambot,

please evacuate the Gizmoplex now!

- And no refunds!

No refunds!

Okay, shut it down.

Shut it down!

Cut the feed, Max!

Shut it down!

Shut it down!

Why?