Mystery Science Theater 3000 (2017–2022): Season 3, Episode 11 - The Mask in 3D - full transcript

(wolf howling)

- And it turns out it
was actually the ghost

who peed my bed.

- Oh!

- Yeah, and it's totally true,

it's totally true.

Oh, hey everybody, Happy Halloween.

Turns out the bots have never
had a real All Hallows Eve.

And since this is my favorite time of year

outside of Arbor Day.

- (laughs) He's teasing.



- Yeah, but I just thought
we get into the spooky mood

with some spine-tingling stories.

- But the Mads could call at any moment,

so we're just doing the last sentence.

It's the scariest part anyway.

- Yeah, exactly.

So who's got one?

- Me.

Oh, okay, all right, go ahead.

- Here we go.

And as he spent his last
moments vainly trying

to put his loose intestines
back into his body,

he choked out the final
words, "I could've had a V8."

- Oh!
- Vegetable juice.



Okay, I got one, I got one.

- Okay, okay.
- Yeah.

- And the old man told the teenager,

"Why, that Hot Topic
burned down 15 years ago!"

- Whoa!
- Oh no!

- Some say if you listen to the wind,

you can still hear "Oh, ah, ah, ah, ah."

- Oh, yeah, that's spooky.
- Oh no.

- Me next, Jonah.

I've got one that's really scary.

- Okay, yeah, go for it.

- Okay, okay.

And that's when she
realized his profile picture

was from his college yearbook.

27 years ago!

- Whoa!
- Catfishing!

- Whoa, this is too scary for me.

Happy Halloween, everyone.

We'll be right back.

- Here we go.

(upbeat music)

♪ In the not too distant future ♪

♪ Next Sunday afternoon ♪

♪ The evil Kinga Forrester ♪

♪ She ran her empire from the moon ♪

♪ Her latest plan was The Gizmoplex ♪

♪ A twisted scheme based on stolen specs ♪

♪ Now she's pulling the strings
from the old moon base ♪

♪ And she's back to her experiments ♪

♪ With prisoners out in space ♪

♪ I'll send them cheesy movies ♪

♪ The worst motion picture wrecks ♪

♪ La la la ♪

♪ They'll have to sit and watch them all ♪

♪ And we'll stream it on the Gizmoplex ♪

♪ La la la ♪

♪ Now keep in mind they can't control ♪

♪ Where the movies begin or end ♪

♪ La la la ♪

♪ They'll have to keep their sanity ♪

♪ With the help of their robot friends ♪

♪ Robot Roll Call ♪

♪ CamBot ♪

♪ And action ♪

♪ GPC ♪

♪ Which one ♪

♪ Tom Servo ♪

♪ That's me ♪

♪ Crow ♪

♪ If you're wondering
how we eat and breathe ♪

♪ And other science facts ♪

♪ La la la ♪

♪ Then repeat to yourself,
it's just a show ♪

♪ I should really just relax ♪

♪ For Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♪

- And she only wanted to
avenge the death of her son,

which makes the murders pretty justified

when you think about it.

- Okay, interesting perspective, I guess.

- I'm just saying, walk a
mile in Mrs. Voorhees shoes.

- Oh, okay, why don't
you go take Manhattan?

Leatherface and Chop Top are calling.

(whimsical music)

- Good evening, Jonah.

Prepare yourselves for a night of thrills,

chills, and, since I'm making
soup, very likely spills.

- Max!
(record scratching)

I told you to get Growler and M. Waverly

to clear away those cobwebs!

The Gizmoplex looks like the inside

of Charles Addams's coffin!

- I just thought, 'cause
it's Halloween and all.

- You thought you'd be lazier than usual?

Clean it up!

- Fine, but if the great
pumpkin doesn't show up,

I'm blaming you.

- Ah, there is no great pumpkin.

Haven't you ever seen
the end of the special?

- I never get that far
because it's too scary.

- Jonah, just make with
the invention exchange.

Siri, remind me to kill Max Thursday.

- When Halloween rolls
around, are you confident

in your costume plans or are you more

of an indecisive,
Chidi-from-The-Good-Place-type?

- Nice job updating your references.

Very smooth.

- Thanks.

Well worry no more Chidi
from the Good Place,

thanks to Multi-Mask.

- Ah, with a spin of the Multi-Mask,

your mood is your personal stylist.

See, you can be whoever you want: Kiss.

- Hey, look at me, I'm that
rich guy, Gene Simmons.

Buy a coffin.

- Wonder Woman.

- Hey I'm that lady from
"Red Notice," buy a coffin!

- Now he's the classic,
difficult-to-reboot monster,

Frankenstein.

- Ah, coffin good!

- Or be something even
scarier, the dork explaining

actually how Frankenstein was
the doctor, not the monster.

- Um, have you even read
Mary Shelley's "Frankenstein;

or, The Modern Prometheus?"

That's the whole title, by the way.

- Pedantry! The worst horror of all.

- What do you think, Sirs?

- You know, if you really
wanted to scare us,

you should've just stuck with
the mask you were born with!

- Ha! Ya Burnt!

- Stop trying to ride my
sick burns' coattails.

Now, then. This time of
year, the veil between worlds

becomes so thin, you can
communicate through it

using nothing more than
a Hasbro board game.

- But the classic Ouija Board
is so cold and impersonal.

Yes, no, a bunch of letters
nobody even uses anymore

in this age of emojis.

Where's the Ouija board for me?

- Right here!

Now you can gab beyond the grave

with one of our demographic
specific, Me-jia Boards.

There's always a Me-jia
for you-jia. (laughing)

Are you a cartoonishly
offensive Italian stereotype?

Try our Luigi Board!

- Now my Silvio can talk
to his-a nonna again!

He's such a good boy! Muah!

- Ew.

- Or boogie through the Gates of Tartarus

with our Bee Gee Board!

♪ Ah, ah, ah, wish I
was alive, I was alive ♪

- 'Cause disco is dead.

Just like your uncle Jerry who loved it.

- And for those with a
dark philosophical bent,

there's the Nietzsche Board.

- Ah, actually, that
one can be more trouble

than it's worth.

Jonah, your special Halloween experiment

is the scariest movie
to come out of Canada

in the years B.C.!

- That's Before Cronenberg.

- Ah-ah, gird your loins for
the abstract 3-D fever dream

that is "The Mask!"

Flush them the movie! (laughing)

Ah, ah.
- Don't!

- Movie in the hole!

- And come to think of
it, actually a monster

could never grow to that size

thanks to the volume/surface
area relationship

described by the square-cube law.

- Oh, I hate when he monster-splains.

- Did someone say monster? Ah!

- We've got movie sign!
(alarm sounding)

(doors slamming open)

- Warner Brothers, are
we in the right theater?

Oh!

- [Jonah] Somebody stop me
from saying "Somebody stop me."

(Crow imitating spitting)

- [Tom] Paul Stevens and Claudette Nevins

in Even Stevens Nevins.

- My name is Jim Moran.

I have just returned from
a trip around the world

collecting strange and unusual masks.

- [Jonah] It's been wild.

- I think it's safe to say I'm something

of an authority on rare masks.

Festival masks-

- [Crow] Shrimp masks.

- Drama and religious masks.

- [Tom] Fried mask.

- Dance masks.
- [Jonah] Mask Gumbo.

- And death masks from ancient tombs.

- [Jonah] And that's it.

- Man's desire to change
his face to assume a strange

(Crow grunting)
or frightening disguise

to impersonate his gods
or to frighten devils

is a desire older than
the history of language.

- [Tom] He's reading this!

- I've seen masks unearthed from the ruins

of crumbling tombs and masks
hanging in exotic temples

to ward off evil spirits.

- [Jonah] And goofy ghosts.

- But nowhere, in all my
travels, have I seen anything

to compare to the power of this mask.

- [Crow] The Misfits logo!

- And the horrible curse it bears.

This is the mask around
which our story revolves.

And I can tell you that even
though I'm not superstitious,

I wouldn't put it on for all
the wealth of the Indies.

- [Jonah] Or a Klondike Bar.

- This mask was part of an
ancient ritual so unearthly,

so terrifying it has been
wiped out of the memory of man.

- [Crow] Like Entourage.

- [Jonah] Oh yeah!
- [Tom] Oh yeah!

- Still, the dreadful
power clings to this mask.

- [Tom] Try fabric softener!

- You in this theater
are especially privileged

to join in seeing the terrifying sights

that can only be seen through the mask.

- Who, me?

- Each of you has been given a mask.

- [Crow] For free?

- When you see the mask
put on in the picture,

you put yours on too.

- Mm-kay.

- Then you will share in adventure

into the darkest hidden
recesses of the human mind.

- Well, Sha-zayum!

- You will see dread and secret desires

lurking in that darkness.

You will see things never
before seen on any screen.

(Crow imitating chewing)

- Soon, you will meet Doctor Allan Barnes

who meets his other self
when he puts on the mask.

- [Tom] Spoilers!

- Then you will begin
to follow the threads

that weave themselves
into this gripping story.

Soon you will see him put on the mask.

Remember, when he puts on
his mask, you put on yours.

- [Jonah] Sign me up!

- It is the beginning of the ancient

and forbidden ritual of The Mask.

- (screaming) No!

No, no, no.

No, please! Please, no!

- [Crow] Not my Richie! No!

- [Tom] Ah, the weird kid in school

who smelled like sauerkraut.

(woman screaming)

- [Jonah] Come on, you
said you liked Steely Dan,

name your three favorite songs from them.

Oh, okay, maybe just tell me which album

did Chevy Chase play on, then?

You don't know, do ya poser?

- [Crow] Army of me!

- [Tom] I came to get you, Barbara.

- [Jonah] Oh, Tannenbaum.

- [Crow] Up high! Down low.

Too slow.

- [Tom] We all go a little crazy
when Mom brings home fudge.

- [Jonah] Avenge me, true crime podcast.

- I've told you, Mr. Radin,

the doctor will be with you shortly.

- [Michael] Could you
call him again, please,

and tell him that I'm here?

- I can't disturb him
while he has a patient.

You know that, Mr. Radin.

- [Tom] Another victim
of Fun Size Wolverine.

- [Jonah] Here's Doctor!

♪ Ba Da Ba Ba Da ♪

♪ Ba Dum Ba Ba Do ♪

- Hello, Michael. Won't you come in?

- [Crow] Sorry we had
to bump you last night;

Charo was on, and you know how she gets.

- [Tom] You've been served,
Doctor Grab-n-stalk.

- Sit down, Michael.

- [Jonah] On the floor, unless
you've finally conquered

your chair phobia.

- [Crow] Hot couch!

- You deliberately kept me
waiting out there, didn't you?

- Of course I didn't, Michael.

Your face, what happened to you?

- I don't know.

- [Jonah] We've all gotten drunk

and shaved with a cat, sure.

- It was there when I
woke up this morning.

- [Crow] I'm sorry, but I must draw you.

- It happened again last night.

- What happened again last night?

- [Tom] The sun went down.

- [Michael] There's no use talking to you.

- [Jonah] I get paid
either way, mi compadre.

(phone ringing)

- All right, Michael.

- I don't know, it's like-

- [Crow] Line?

- So mixed up.

- [Tom] I'm like a can
of Sherwin Williams, doc.

- It's like a nightmare.

I remember a girl.

- [Jonah] Is this the 3D part?

Is this what, do I put the...

- [Michael] And my hands
were on her throat.

- Let me stop you right there.

- I think I killed her.

- [Tom] Okay, it's okay, I know a guy.

Pack a bag and ten grand,
your new name is Jon Arbuckle.

You're gonna manage a Cinnabon in Denver.

I hope you like cats.

- Can you tell me anything
more about this dream?

- What about these? Did
they happen in a dream?

- [Jonah] Don't kink shame.

- They could've been self-inflicted
while you were asleep.

- [Crow] With Selina Kyle.

- Can't you understand this
is not just another case

of neurosis or psychosis?

- Banana-fanna fo-fosis.

- This is a living nightmare.

And you don't want to help me.

- Well, ya got me there.

- Michael, of course I want to help you,

but you have to help too.

- I'm cursed.

- [Crow] Wow, a literal 5:00 shadow.

- I am cursed.

- [Tom] If therapy isn't
working, try bangs.

- Something you don't seem
to be able to understand.

- Michael, you are a scientist.

- [Jonah] Not a doctor!

- Now, is it scientific
to jump to the conclusion

that these nightmares
are caused by a curse?

Perhaps these nightmares are caused

by some deeper emotional conflict.

- [Crow] Hey, you got your
Carl Jung in my Lovecraft!

- [Tom] Well, you got your
Neil Gaiman in my Freud!

- I need help.

I-I-I-I'm like an addict.

♪ I'm addicted to you ♪

- It's as if I were being hypnotized.

- Hypnotized?

Well, who is hypnotizing you?

- [Jonah] Biggie Biggie Biggie.

- The mask.

- Mask?

- [Tom] I've heard they
call him Cuban Pete.

- What mask?

- [Jonah] The king of the rumba beat?

- How does it hypnotize you?

- [Crow] Does he go chick-chicky boom?

- Exactly, what is this mask?

- The mask is to blame.

You're just not aware of its power.

- It's toxic mask-ulinity.

- You tell me more about it.

But Michael, remember, it's not yet clear

that the mask is responsible

for the symptoms you described.

Now, even without the mask,

you may continue having these nightmares.

- Until you defeat Freddy Krueger.

- But let's start with the mask.

- [Crow] I'm glad this
movie's not a drinking game.

- [Allan] Show it to me.

- [Tom] 'Scuse me?

- Why do you want me to show it to you?

- [Allan] Why not?

If it's causing you all this anguish?

- You want me to give it to you?

- [Jonah] Are we talking about
the same thing here, or...

- You want it for yourself?

You want it, too?

- What would I do with it?

- [Crow] Greek theater?

- You'd put it on.

You'd find out.

But don't worry, I won't let you have it.

- Michael, I don't want the mask.

But if you show it to me, we might say

that the nightmares could
come from within you,

and not from the mask at all.

- You don't believe me!

I have told you the truth,
and you don't believe me!

- [Jonah] Would you believe you?

- The nightmares come from the mask!

- [Crow] You can't handle the mask!

- Doctor, you're a fool!

- [Tom] Hire a therapist
off of Task Rabbit,

what was I thinking?

- Michael, come back here.

- [Jonah] I'm sorry I called
you Koo-Koo banana balls!

- What happened, Doctor Barnes?

- [Crow] Something wonderful.

- I'm worried about Mr. Radin.

He's very disturbed.

- [Tom] Oh, he's down with the sickness.

- Shall I call his parents?

- [Jonah] Yes, call that grown
man's parents right away.

- No. No, I think not.

- [Crow] Oh great, more of your poetry.

- [Dr. Barnes] It's time you
went home, Miss Goodrich.

You let the doctor do the worrying.

- All right.

But I'm not that fragile, you know.

- [Tom] Ow, ooh Ouch! Ow, ow, ouch, ouch.

- You could do with some rest yourself.

You look kind of tired too.

- [Jonah] You'd look tired
too if you were Batman,

I mean, a normal man!

- Yes, yes, it's been one
of those 48 hour days.

- Goodnight.

- [Crow] Anthony Perkins is John Mulaney

in Bo Burnham's Barton Fink.

- Mrs. Kelly?

- [Tom] The walls are bleeding again!

- Mrs. Kelly?

- Stop shouting!

- [Michael] Mrs. Kelly!

- What's going in there?

- [Michael] Mrs. Kelly?

- Yelling and shouting.

- [Jonah] Is she reading
her stage directions?

- Look at the place.

- [Crow] Cans of Spam, everywhere!

- Can't even keep it clean,
with all them doodads.

- And mail this.
- [Tom] It's a cat.

- Well, I'm the landlady, not the postman.

- I said mail it!

- [Jonah] Another classic
Nichols & May bit. (laughs)

- That's different, thanks.

- [Crow] Gimme that doodad.

- See if you can't keep the place clean.

- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

- [Jonah] Meow, help me!

Meow, please don't send me away!

- [Crow] What an ugly baby.

- [Tom] Once I figure out how
to put my soul in that toy,

things are really gonna
turn around for me.

- [Jonah] The old lady's got a point,

he does have a lot of doodads.

- [Crow] Okay, ten minute power nap.

Gary V. says that's how all
the great entrepreneurs do it!

Success, here I come!

- [Tom] Syrup, must be breakfast.

- [Jonah] Now listen here, booze,

you're going to go down
smooth, see, and no hangovers!

M'yeah!

- [Crow] Glug, BANG!

- [Tom] Don't do it, Michael!

Think of your doodads!

(gun blasting)

- [Jonah] For a bobblehead,
you're really judgmental.

And racist.

- [Crow] Ay, ay, ay,
ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.

- [Tom] Michael? I heard low brass.

Did something ominous
just happen? Michael?

Michael, where are... (gasps)

(Mrs. Kelly screaming)

- [Jonah] He died doing
what he loved: jazz hands.

- Calm down, will you please, Mrs. Kelly?

- [Crow] Ew.

- [Tom] Detective Frasier Crane.

- Terrible, terrible.

He'll ruin me.

The other tenants will move out.

- [Jonah] Priorities!

- I shouldn't have let him in.

He was trouble, him and
his doodads and his ways.

- Call the morgue, will you Bill?

- [Crow] And find out
more about these doodads.

- Yeah.

- Oh, this is horrible! (sobbing)

What will the neighbors say?

- Probably something about the smell.

- Try to calm down, will
you please, Mrs. Kelly?

We'll need your help.

- Yes, yes, Lieutenant.

I'm sorry, anything I can do?

- What was his name?

- Mr. Radin. Michael Radin.

- [Jonah] Protector of Earthrealm.

- [Crow] Alright, pizza's on the way.

- When he first came,
he seemed like a nice,

quiet sort of person.

But, I wouldn't have any
other kind, you know.

- [Tom] I'm listening.

- But then he turned,
became very secretive.

- [Jonah] Loudly secretive?

- The last few weeks,

he hardly even said
good morning to anybody.

Why, it was just yesterday that-

- Did he have any friends or relatives?

- [Crow] Does a Sailor
Moon body pillow count?

- No.

Oh, I do know one thing.

He worked for a kind of museum.

He was a sort of professor there.

- Well, that checks.

Pay stubs and uncashed checks.

- [Tom] And Chex mix.

- Museum of Ancient History.

- [Jonah] I also found some gum. (chewing)

Spicy cinnamon.

- Look, Bill take over here, will you?

- Sure.

I think I'll go down to this museum,

see what I can find out.

- Right, I'll check this place over.

- [Crow] And, done.

- If I can find anything
in this junk pile.

- [Tom] You know what
they say, one man's junk

is another man's doodad.

- I can't tell you how shocked
I am at Michael's death.

- [Jonah] You just did.

- He had such a brilliant mind.

- Doctor Soames, you're
our only lead so far.

I wonder if you could tell
me something about Mr. Radin.

- Yes, anything I know.

- [Crow] Well, he's ticklish.

- To begin with, did he have
any problems or enemies?

- None that I was aware of.

You see, Michael was a
brilliant archeologist.

Brought back some excellent finds.

Sent back even better
things when going it alone.

- [Tom] Well, him and Short Round.

- But, um...

- [Jonah] British sit!

- As for his private life, I'm
afraid I have no information.

- Do you know what he
was working on at home?

- Of course, he was
cataloging some of the finds

from the La Mar dig.

- [Crow] Kendrick Lamar.

- He took objects home with him, did he?

- Yes.

- [Tom] Hut hut hut hut, no touchy!

- Why do you ask?

- [Jonah] It's in the script.

- Well, because we have to
work on the possibility-

(Crow growling)

Now, something might've been stolen

if there were objects there
belonging to the museum.

- [Tom] What?

- Possibly, there was an
object of great value.

Now, maybe somebody knew that.

And this could lead to murder.

- Murder?

- Doctor Soames, I'd
like you to come with me

to Radin's apartment.

- [Jonah] Are we Dr.
Soames? Is he looking at us?

- [Crow] I have no idea.

- It would certainly help to
speed up our investigation.

- Yes, lieutenant.

- [Jonah] British stand!

- Oh, just a moment.

- [Crow] This is something
I was working on earlier.

Never mind.

- Now, I'll just get the list.

- [Tom] So, these are all
the communists in Hollywood.

You'll be surprised: Ron
Reagan and John Wayne

made the top five, yes!

- After you, lieutenant.

- Thank you.

♪ Hey baby, I hear the blues a' callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salad and scrambled mask ♪

- [Jonah] Ha ha! Good night, Seattle!

- There is something missing, a mask.

- A mask?

- [All] The mask?

- What kind of a mask?

- It was an Indian ritual
mask, very rare and beautiful.

- [Crow] Like me.

- And completely worthless to someone

who didn't know what it is.

- [Tom] Like me.

- If someone took this,
he knew what he was doing.

- [Jonah] Unlike me.

- Oh, it was a great archeological find.

Radin had taken it home several weeks ago

for additional study.

- Seems strange they'd
allow a valuable object

to leave the museum.

How valuable was it?

- Well, in dollars and cents,
it was worth very little.

But as a work of antiquity,
of great interest to scholars,

it would be beyond price.

- [Tom] Just ask Drew Carey!

- But, it may have had some
other kind of value to someone.

- You mean beyond the money value?

Doctor Soames, this mask is starting

to sound very interesting.

- [Jonah] Stupid.

- I don't know how I'm
going to tell you this,

because I don't want to be accused

of spinning old wives' tales-

- [Crow] But according to
this Facebook post I read...

- There's a legend
connected with this mask.

- [Jonah] Are they in the same shot?

- Yes, I can imagine, but
surely Doctor Soames...

- [Tom] My head's not that square, is it?

- You don't believe in these
legends in this day and age?

- Lieutenant Martin, I'm not
saying this is true or untrue.

I'm merely giving you information

about the legend of the mask.

- I didn't mean any offense.

Please go on.

- [Jonah] British rise!

- The legend states
that in the wrong hands,

this mask can do a great deal of harm.

It can put the wearer
in a hypnotic trance,

and make him do cruel
and unnatural things.

- [Tom] Cruel, unnatural things.

- That's quite a legend, doctor.

If I had believed it, it
would solve a lot of things.

- [Tom] Like the maze on
this Denny's placemat.

- However, I'm a policeman,
not an archeologist.

- Well, I was talking to the policeman.

- [Jonah] Sassy!

- The legend tells of rites
connected with this mask

which are filled with human sacrifice.

Now, suppose someone
knew about this legend,

and believed it.

- [Crow] They'd be pretty cool.

- Do you know a Doctor Barnes?

That name mean anything to you?

- [Tom] He sang "Fish Heads," yes!

- No, should it?

Has it some bearing on this case?

♪ Fish heads, fish heads,
rolly poly fish heads ♪

♪ Fish heads, fish heads ♪

(doors slamming)

- Ho ho, I am so excited to
take you guys trick-or-treating.

This is what Halloween is all about!

It's about being a part of a community!

- And candy, right?
- Yeah!

- Yeah, and free razor blades.

- Well, not really.

I mean, there will be
candy, but not razor blades.

Probably a few Unicef pennies though,

but you gotta give those back. (laughs)

All right, Tom, I gotta
say, great costume.

- Hey, thanks.

Treats to some, tricks to others.

- Hey, that was a good Pinhead!

But Crow, going as yourself, that's...

You're not not really supposed to do that.

- At least I'm not dressed
as an insurance salesman.

- I am not an insurance
salesman, I am Tom Atkins.

- The diet guy?

- No, Tom Atkins,
"Halloween III," "The Fog."

"Night of the Creeps!"

- So, the diet guy.

- Okay, forget it.

Now, pay attention, do as we rehearsed.

All right, you ready?

Let's do it. Here we go, first house.

(doorbell ringing)

- [All] Trick or Treat!

- Ooh, a c-c-c-cenobite.

And a c-c-c-crow.

And, um, Jiffy Lube franchise owner?

- No, I'm Tom Atkins!

"Maniac Cop," "Escape from New York."

The recurring role he did
on "The Rockford Files?"

Hey, whatever.

What are you?

- Mad Max Headroom.

Which one of you little T-T-T-Toecutters

wants some v-v-Vegemite?

- What's all this yelling and shouting?

Who're these doodads?

- Oh, they're a bunch of
t-t-trick or treaters, Mrs. Kelly.

Our landlady.

- Since when do you have a landlady?

- Since the b-b-b-b-beginning
of this sketch. Ngngngng!

- Shut your doodad!

I'd never have lent you the room

if I'd known you'd have
weirdies coming around,

do-ing this and dad-ing that.

- I'm sorry, Mrs. Kelly.

I'll pack my things and
go back to the dumpster

behind the Culver's.

Gagagagaga!

- Hey, come on, we're
just trick or treating.

Can't you cut Max some slack?

In the spirit of Halloween?

- Ah, who are you anyway?

- Oh, some guy named Tom Atkins.

- From "Lethal Weapon?" (screams)

- Hey! See guys?

I guess there's a little
Tom Atkins inside all of us.

- Nobody knows who that is.
- No one knows who that is.

(all yelling)

(doors slamming open)

- We found his name
amongst Radin's papers.

- I knew how ill he was.
(All coughing)

I shouldn't have let him leave the office.

I should've notified the police.

- [Tom] Huh?

- Why do you say that, doctor?

- He was very troubled, he was
under tremendous pressures.

- [Jonah] Bih-buh dee bop!

- It was hard to explain,

but he came to my office a few days ago

with a story of having
fallen under the influence

of some ancient rite.

- [Crow] That was easy to explain.

- Involving a tribal mask?

- [Tom] Ding!

- Why yes, how did you know about that?

- [Lt. Martin] From the
Museum of Ancient History,

where he worked.

- [Jonah] Oh, yeah, lotta doodads there.

- He had an obsession about that thing.

He blamed it for visions and nightmares.

- [Crow] Incontinence.

- Now, when he left this
office, he was at a point

where he couldn't tell the difference

between his dreams and reality.

- [Jonah] Oh, we have MacGuffin Sign!

- Anyway, the mask is now missing.

- [Tom] No it's not.
- [Jonah] Nope.

- [Lt. Martin] Maybe stolen.
- [Jonah] Nope.

- [Lt. Martin] It'd sure help if we knew

where that mask was.

- I'm sure the museum would like it back,

but I don't see how it would
help in terms of Radin.

- Well, if we had the
mask, we could examine it.

- [Jonah] If? You do!

It's right there.

- Find out if somehow, some
way it could induce suicide.

Or if somebody would commit
murder in order to obtain it.

You see, doctor, before the
department can close its file

on this case.
- [Jonah] It's right there.

- [Crow] Open the box!

- [Tom] You like boxing?

- I understand,
Lieutenant, but my opinion,

whatever it's worth, is
that Radin killed himself,

and I don't think the mask
had anything to do with it.

- [Jonah] Ask the mask! It's right there!

- [Crow] Check!

- Well, there's still the question

of why the mask disappeared.

- [Tom] It's coughing from
your cigarette, come on.

- I'm afraid I can't help
you there, Lieutenant.

- [Tom] I'm far too tall.

- There's probably a
very good, logical reason

which will come out during the
course of your investigation.

- It'll probably turn up when
somebody tries to pawn it.

- [Jonah] Or mail it to you! You idiot!

- Thanks for your help, Doctor.

- I only wish I'd been of
more help to Radin earlier.

- [Crow] Please let go of my hand.

- Well, goodbye.

Goodbye.

- In a while, crocodile!

Ugh, Barnes, it doesn't make sense

if they don't say "See
you later Alligator!"

You idiot!

This is why you're so bad
at making friends! (crying)

- [Jonah] He's a regular Don't Draper.

- [Crow] Hey guys, it's
your boy Dr. Barnes

with Unboxing Your Feelings!

I wanna give a shout out
to our sponsor Flute Crate

for the awesome box of flutes they sent.

Be sure to check them out.

- [Tom] Oh yeah, always
cut towards yourself.

- [Jonah] I'm made of meat and teeth.

- [Crow] Got your mail
again, Nicolas Cage.

- Oh, Miss Goodrich, can
you catch Lieutenant Martin?

Is he still there?

- [Jill] No, I am sorry,
Doctor, he's gone.

Is there anything?

- No, that will be all.

- [Jill] Then I'll be leaving.

Oh, Miss Albright is waiting for you.

- [Tom] She seems mad.

- Send her right in, please.

- [Jonah] 12 cassette
tapes for a penny, my ass.

- Good evening, Doctor Barnes.

- (Crow squawking)

- Would you be interested
in psychoanalyzing a girl

who's madly in love with a doctor?

- [Tom] Oh, I know this one,
the doctor is his Mother!

- Oh, I'm not a very
good doctor, I'm afraid.

- [Pam] What's the matter,
Allan? What's wrong?

- [Jonah] I kiss like this.

- You're sweet, Pam.

- [Crow] But you're no olive oil.

- I lost a patient.

Suicide.

- [Tom] Suicide? Do they know who did it?

- Oh. I'm sorry.

- [Jonah] It's okay. He
paid upfront, so it's fine.

- It's all so involved.

I'm not sure I understand
all the elements, myself.

- [Crow} Especially Xenon.
Thinks it's all Noble.

- Look, now I have a
package from this man.

He must've mailed it just
before he killed himself.

- [Tom] Dario Argento's Cake Boss.

- Horrible looking thing, unearthly.

- [Jonah] Like making all the worlds' sins

into an Edible Arrangement.

- [Crow] Another McSweeney's
rejection letter.

- Pam, look!

There's also a letter with the mask.

- Mail from the grave.

Allan, don't read it now.

- It'll take just a few seconds.

It may have some important information.

- All right, you're the doctor.

Look, I'll just run down to the store

and pick up a few things
we need for dinner.

- Fine, you do that.

- [Tom] So don't eat this!

- Not before I get a kiss.

- I thought you swore
off chocolates, honey.

Oh, I get it, nom, nom, nom, nom.

- Now will you get out of here?

- [Crow] You taste like a burger.

- I'm going to have to teach
you a few things later on.

- [Tom] She's gonna make
him shell out $200 bucks

for her MasterClass.

- [Jonah] Okay, Dear Abby,
I've developed feelings

for my therapist.

Would it be weird to
mail him a cursed mask

upon the event of my death
as a token of my affection?

Sincerely, Lonely in Winnipeg.

- [Crow] Belial, keep it down!

I've got a date coming over!

(Tom yelling)

- [Jonah] Alright, skull,
staring contest, you and me.

Go!
- Dear Doctor Barnes.

- [Crow] You up?

- By the time you read
this, I will be dead.

- [Tom] Sincerely dead!

- You see, I prefer death to
the horrible, living nightmare

that lies ahead of me.

- [Jonah] Gurl, same!

- [Michael] I thought you could help.

How could you?

How could you know the living
hell I was going through?

- [Crow] Sounds like adult-onset puberty.

- [Michael] Once, I was a scholar.

- [Tom] I wish I was a baller.

- [Michael] Now?

I am like an animal fleeing
from my own nightmares.

Sleeping by day, prowling by night.

- [Crow] And afternoon Pilates.

- [Michael] And how
about you, Doctor Barnes?

- [Tom] Still reading letters? Hah!

- [Michael] Are you certain
that just underneath the surface

of your own mind, there
does not lurk a storm

and fury waiting, waiting to be released?

- [Jonah] Like after Arby's?

- [Michael] Are you willing to
make the experiment, Doctor?

You hold the key in your own hand.

- [Crow] And the lock in your own foot.

- [Michael] If you are not
afraid, put the mask on now.

Put the mask on now.

Put the mask on now.

- Oh, the movie is talking to us now.

This is it.

Our big 3D moment.

We're part of it, part of the movie.

- [Tom] Cool.

Oh, it's like Purple Rose of Cairo.

- [Crow] Or Last Action Hero.

- [Tom] Or Jackass 3D.

- [Jonah] Hey, yeah.

Ooh, somebody stop him.

♪ You don't know what, we can find ♪

♪ Why don't you come with me, Dr. Barnes ♪

♪ On a 3D carpet ride ♪

- [Crow] Is this what it
feels like to chew 5 Gum?

- [Tom] Ack ack! Ack ack-ack!

- [Jonah] Irises, pupils
and cataracts, oh my!

Irises, pupils and cataracts, oh my!

- [Tom] Heads up!

- [Jonah] It's Franken-David Byrne.

- [Crow] This not beautiful house!

- [Tom] (a la waiter)
Your sizzling fajitas are ready.

- [Jonah] Number nine, number nine.

- [Crow] Fosse!

♪ Da, da, da, do ♪

♪ Da, da, da, da, do ♪

♪ Suga do, do ♪

♪ Dig a do, do, do, do, do ♪

- [Jonah] This set is stalac-tight.

Be honest, did I put on too much base?

- [Crow] Bend, and snap.

- [Tom] Please come to my open mic!

- [Jonah] Sorry, I don't date comics.

Oh, she's literally ghosting him.

- [Crow] I scared!

- [Tom] Ladies and gentlemen, Iron Maiden!

- [Jonah] Hey! Where
do you guys want this?

- [Crow] Wall sconces by Jean Cocteau.

(woman screaming)

- [Tom] Oh, someone needs new brake pads.

- [Jonah] The surprising conclusion

to the "Three Men and
a Little Baby" trilogy.

- [Crow] Yoga Flame!

- [Tom] You put your right hand in!

You put your right hand out!

- [Jonah] Oh, he's his
own fire extinguisher!

♪ Eyes without a face ♪

- No offense, but I liked
her better with skin.

- [Jonah] Welp, we did it.

- [Crow] Do you wanna party?

It's party time!

- [Tom] Snake eyes!

♪ Eight more days to Halloween,
Halloween, Halloween ♪

♪ Eight more days to Halloween ♪

♪ Silver Shamrock ♪

- What is it?

- [Crow] Whoo, your under arms
are simply drenched in sweat!

- What happened?

- [Tom] I was in a Whitesnake video.

- I don't know.

I was examining this mask.

- [Jonah] It has daddy issues.

- Then I put it on.

- The mask?

- Pam, this mask revealed something

that I had never seen before.

Something that must've
been in my own mind.

- [Crow] The great American novel.

- If this is true, it may
be of tremendous importance

to the world of psychiatry.

Something known three thousand years ago

and lost to modern science.

- Allan, tell me.

Did your patient experiment-

- [Jonah] With molly?

- With that thing before he died?

- Yes.

But he had no medical training.

- [Crow] Oh, so you need a doctorate

to navigate the realms of hell!

(Tom groaning)

- He was a fool, he had
no idea what he was doing

when he stole the mask.

- He stole it?

- [Jonah] That and the Constitution!

- He took it from the
Museum of Ancient History.

What difference does that make?

- Well you brought it up!

- It's mine now.

- My precious!

- Allan, you have to return it.

- I'm not going to return it.

- I lost the receipt!

- There's much to be learned here.

A man's most secret mind,
of a world that exists

even deeper than the subconscious.

- [Crow] The subbier-conscious?

- Pam, you don't realize what this is.

- Allan, I'm afraid.

- [Tom] Of Virginia Wolff!

- There's something wrong with you.

The case has been a strain.

- Oh Pam, leave me alone.

- [Jonah] Leave me to my dark bidding!

- Allan, I want you to
get help from someone.

Someone you can trust.

- [Crow] Like Jake from State Farm.

- Trust?

There's no one I can trust.

- [Tom] Not even Flo from Progressive!

- I know that now.

- Allan, please.

- [Jonah] Don't be a dickweed.

- Go to see Professor Quincey.

He was your teacher, and he's your friend.

- [Crow] There's more
exposition where that came from.

- Allan, I beg you.

- I don't need anyone.

- [Tom] I'm a big boy now.

- I don't want you to tell anyone.

No one, do you hear? No one!

- [All] Whoa!

- Allan, you're hurting me.

- [Jonah] And you're
breaking my heart, Anakin!

- Pam?

- [Crow] Your name backwards is map!

- Look at it.

Can't you feel it?

- Feel what?

♪ Feel, feel, feel, feel my heat! ♪

- Its power.

- [Jonah] It's over 9000!

- I only see that it's ugly and cruel.

- [Jonah] Ouch!

- [Allan] Can't you
feel it pulling at you?

- No, Allan.

- [Tom] And I hope you're not
gonna embarrass me like this

at the Grayson's cotillion tomorrow.

- [Jonah] Who's Daddy's good little boy?

- It's ordering me to pick it up.

- [Crow] Pick it up! Pick it up!

Pick it up!

- Look at me.

- It's demanding I use it.

- Look at me.

- [Tom] I'm Sandra Dee!

- Now, now.

- No, I won't let you!

- [Jonah] Turnover by Dr.
Barnes, Pam comes up with it

and makes a break for the end zone!

- [Crow] Donna Reed is The Fugitive.

- [Tom] Oh! She's flailing a cab!

Get it?

- Okay, if I stole a cursed
totem, where would I go?

- [Crow] My boyfriend is
operating a medical practice

out of a residential building!

To the Zoning Board!

- [Tom] Hey, me, follow that car!

- [Jonah] Are we there yet?

- [Crow] Oh, they're driving

through the downtown castle district.

- [Tom] Oh, hey, a sale!

(intense music)

- [Jonah] Sorry lady, one quick boom-boom

and we're back on the road.

- [Crow] Go put this in the Dean's office,

he'll totally freak out!

♪ Got me a car it's as big as a whale ♪

♪ And it's about to set sail ♪

- [Jonah] Hey! Members only!

Members only!

(Crow barking)

- [Tom] There you go; chase that building,

it's way slower than a car!

- No Pokemons in here.

- [PA System] Ladies and gentlemen,

the museum will close in five minutes.

- [Crow] Wow, I could play
xylophone on all of these!

- Oh, I wish I hadn't
called that docent a dork;

I really don't know where I am in here.

- Guess I shoulda boned
up on my archeology!

Heh heh, um, I make my best
stuff when no one's around.

- [Crow] Mr. Snuffleupagus
is real, and he's dead!

- [Tom] Dinosaurs didn't work in offices!

What kinda museum is this?

- [Jonah] Don't move, Barnes.

His vision's based on movement!

♪ The mask, The mask, ♪

♪ The mask the mask the
mask, the mask the mask ♪

- [Tom] Once again, BJ Novak sneaks

into the Office writer's room

to put himself into more episodes.

- It's here! I'd recognize
that mask musk anywhere.

- [Crow] Warmer, warmer, warmer.

Ice cold!

♪ Hello, my baby, hello, my honey ♪

♪ Hello my ragtime gal ♪

- [Jonah] Nostrovia!

- [Crow] Hey big boy, looking for a mask?

I'm right here on the table.

Maybe I got what you need.

- [Tom] How many lists of
communists does this guy have?

- [Jonah] Quicker picker upper, my ass!

- [Crow] (gasps) He's
broken everything else,

and now he's coming for the fourth wall!

- [Tom] Hey, y'all!

Y'all making a movie?

(door buzzer buzzing)

- [Jonah] He can't stay mad at me

after he sees one of
my apology caricatures!

- [Crow] Shirt's on backwards, perfect!

- [Tom] A may-uhn!

- Miss Albright?

- [Jonah] Depends. What did she do?!

- Yes.

- I'm, uh, Lieutenant Martin, Homicide.

- [Crow] Flat broke, as you see.

- May I come in?

- Of course.

- [Tom] Wait, was I murdered?

- This way.

(doors slamming)

- Okay, so we've got our
Halloween costumes, kind of.

We went trick or treating, kind of.

But no Halloween is complete

without an irritatingly catchy,

death-trivializing novelty song.

- Ooh, can we make up
our own novelty song?

And can it be about
monsters going to a party?

- Well, good news, Crow.

By law, all Halloween novelty songs

have to be about monsters
going to a party.

The thing is, the Halloween
tastemakers forget

that there are still
so many modern monsters

who never got written into a party song.

- Well, maybe it's time
we gave them a shot!

- Let's do it.

♪ I was sitting at my
laptop late Saturday night ♪

♪ Sending out my Halloween party e-vite ♪

♪ Every monster got one,
but to my surprise ♪

♪ Midnight struck, I started
getting their replies ♪

♪ Jason said he's staying
home and sharpening his axes ♪

- Okay.

♪ Frankenstein, he needs the
time to finish up his taxes ♪

- Taxes?

♪ Norman Bates, his mom's in town ♪

♪ Jigsaw's toilet’s leaking ♪

♪ The mummy and the Shining twins ♪

♪ Have plans to go antiquing ♪

♪ So they can't come ♪

♪ They all said sorry, can't come ♪

♪ They can't come ♪

♪ I couldn't even get some ♪

♪ They can't come ♪

♪ I bet you feel real dumb ♪

♪ They won't come ♪

♪ Why won't they come ♪

♪ Igor borrowed corpses now
he's gotta go replant 'em ♪

♪ Dracula's begging off ♪

♪ 'Cause he's got tickets to see Phantom ♪

♪ The Golem's still hungover ♪

♪ From the Yom Kippur he hosted ♪

♪ I called five separate times ♪

♪ But the Candyman just ghosted ♪

♪ Oogie Boogie's putting up
his Christmas decorations ♪

♪ And Leatherface is busy Leatherfacin' ♪

♪ Cujo's getting neutered ♪

♪ Dr. Jekyll is on call ♪

♪ Chucky's got a hot date
with the Annabelle doll ♪

- Come on!

♪ So they can't come ♪

♪ They all said sorry, can't come ♪

♪ They can't come ♪

♪ And now I feel like a bum ♪

♪ They can't come ♪

♪ Buck up there old chum ♪

♪ They won't come ♪

♪ Monsters, please come ♪

♪ The Blob and all the Cenobites ♪

♪ Have hit the clubs with Freddy ♪

♪ Bigfoot and the Wolfman ♪

♪ Both are getting mani-pedis ♪

♪ It's such a major bummer
that nobody will come over ♪

♪ Oh geez, I even got blown off ♪

♪ By Casper, Krumm, and Grover ♪

- Ouch!

- Yeah, that one cuts deep.

- Yeah, I mean, technically,
Casper's not even a monster.

- Not helping, Crow.

- Is it dead?

- At least Jeepers Creepers didn't show-

Oh, we got Intermission Sign.

I've gotta say, I'm pretty disappointed

that no monsters came over to the party.

And the song never got
off the ground neither.

- Yeah, well, maybe it was
flawed from the beginning.

Should never invite
monsters over on Halloween.

- It's literally their
busiest night of the year!

- Yeah.

Well, hold on, maybe that's it.

What if we just invited
all the monsters over

on a day when they're not doing anything?

Cambot, hit it!

All right, let's just go with it, okay?

♪ Vampires, wolfmen, and
zombies dismembered ♪

♪ Were coming over on the
fourth Thursday of November ♪

♪ A smorgasbord of dishes
for the living and deceased ♪

♪ It's a hairy, scary,
spooky-ooky Turkey Day feast ♪

♪ Yes, they will come ♪

(alarm sounding)

- The alarm, we've got movie sign!

- Get out!

(doors slamming open)

- This way.

- [Jonah] You're listening
to Nothing's Going On Here

by the I-Didn't-Do-Its,

nonchalant music for the totally innocent.

- Very nice.

- Thank you.

Please sit down.

I'll just put these things away.

I won't be a minute.

- [Crow] I'll be several minutes.

- [Tom] Hmm, Mr. Pam Albright.

Lieutenant Mr. Pam Martin-Albright.

Yeah, that sounds real nice.

- [Jonah] If you ask me,

this place could use a lot more doodads.

- [Crow] Best dry cleaners
in town, xo, Dr. Barnes?

- [Tom] Oh, you found my horcrux.

- [Jonah] Time to give 'em
the ol' Pam Razzle Dazzle!

- Now, what is this all about?

- [Crow] Make it quick,
I just took a Xanax.

- Well, uh, this is just a
routine visit, Miss Albright.

- Nothing routine about
this Acapulco Gold.

- I'm, uh, I'm investigating
the death of a Michael Radin.

- [Jonah] (as Martin)
He's been the victim

of some sort of Babality.

- And some other related events.

- [Crow] Have you heard
of the Mandela Effect?

- I don't understand.

What does this have to do with me?

- Nothing at all, I'm sure.

- [Tom] Just wanted to say hi.

- It's just that I'd
like some information,

if you have it.

- Certainly.

- Well, Miss Albright, Radin
was a patient of Doctor Barnes.

- [Jonah] And that's all I've got.

- If you say so, I didn't know.

- I understand that you're a
close friend of the Doctor's.

- [Crow] You're a pal and a confidant.

- [Pam] I know him.

- You're his fiancée.

- All right, his fiancée.

What about it?

- Did Doctor Barnes ever
discuss Radin with you?

- A doctor doesn't discuss
his patients with anybody.

Besides, if you want to know
anything about this Mr. Radin,

why don't you ask Doctor Barnes?

- [Tom] Yeah!

- He's, uh, not at his office.

And the secretary
doesn't know where he is.

I'd like you to tell me
where I can find him.

- [Jonah] Ah, I see his game:

he's playing Good Cop, Bland Cop.

- [Lt. Martin] Miss
Albright, did Doctor Barnes

ever mention anything to you about a mask?

- [Crow] Well, he was in Slipknot.

- [Lt. Martin] A mask.

An ancient tribal mask.

- [Tom] Certified pre-owned.

- I can't follow you at all, Lieutenant.

First, you talk about
Radin, then about a mask.

It's beyond me.

- [Jonah] Can't follow?

He literally only listed two things.

- Miss Albright.

- [Crow] Too close!

- I was hoping you'd want to help.

You might also be helping Doctor Barnes.

- But I don't know anything.

- I've got a hunch that you do.

- [Tom] A lovely lady hunch.

- Any bit of information might help.

- I'm sorry, but you're wrong.

- Doctor Barnes is a psychiatrist

and the mask was linked to his patient.

- [Jonah] This cutaway
sponsored by Chesterfields.

- [Lt. Martin] Doctor Barnes
was aware of the mask.

Radin had discussed it with him at length.

There's a legend about
that mask, Miss Albright.

- [Crow] Like Zelda?

- [Lt. Martin] It does things to people,

to even the nicest people.

The legend states that the
mask can hypnotize a man

and bring out the evil in him.

Bring it out and magnify it.

- [Pam] Suppose the
mask does what you said.

What happens?

- [Jonah] I forgot to brush my teeth.

- [Pam] If a person has no
evil in him to be brought out?

- [Lt. Martin] Is there such a person?

- [Crow] Ted Lasso.

- Miss Albright.

- [Tom] To tell me, what
you think, about me.

- I came here because I
thought that maybe could help.

There's a chance that we
can avoid further trouble,

maybe even save lives.

You know, I don't do this
just to bother people.

- [Jonah] Ugh, typical Libra.

- I'm afraid I can't tell you anything.

- Not can't, Miss Albright. Won't.

- [Crow] Took her to
Kelsey Grammar School!

- I'm sorry.

- [Tom] Wait, why am I
leaving? I live here.

- I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry, too.

- [Jonah] Oh, this is in Canada.

- Goodbye.

- [Crow] I can't follow at all!

I'm sorry, he's sorry too, it's beyond me!

- [Tom] Posing for that
Smiths album cover.

- [Michael] Put the mask on, now.

- [Jonah] Ponte la mascarilla ahora!

- [Michael] Put the mask on, now.

- [Crow] Mettez le masque maintenant!

- [Tom] Please welcome to
the stage: Doug Benson!

- [Jonah] The film the LASIK community

does not want you to see!

- [Crow] Wow, they're
in a Jamiroquai video.

♪ Future's made of virtual insanity ♪

- [Jonah] Oh, he hit the firewall.

- [Crow] Damn you, McAfee!

♪ Burning down the house ♪

- [Jonah] This movie's like
a riddle wrapped in a mystery

seen through migraine-inducing
idea of 3D glasses!

- [Crow] Ahhh, silhouettes!

- [Tom] A therapist couch in hell,

is this a New Yorker cartoon?

Ha, ha, ha.

- [Jonah] Nightmare on West Elm Street.

(ominous music)

- [Crow] Pull the string!

- [Tom] Did the movie just yawn at us?

- [Jonah] Caught him wet handed.

- [Crow] Keep away from me! Keep away!

- [Tom] Pop goes the evil,
'cause the evil goes pop!

(people screaming)

- [Jonah] Have you ever
had a dream that you,

that you um, you had, that
you'll, you would, you could,

you do, you would, you would want to...

- [Crow] So this is how
they make Jared Letos?

- [Tom] I fell asleep
with my contacts in again!

- [Jonah] Señoras y
señores, es Walter Mercado!

- [Crow] I specifically asked

for a flaming wake up call at 7:30!

- [Jonah] What a wonderfully
spooky place you have here.

Fire! I really must say.

- [Tom] My hands won't
stop shooting flames!

Please stop running away and help me!

- [Crow] Oh de cayenne in
dat gumbo is bitin' today boy!

I guar-on-tee!

♪ GI Joe ♪

- [Tom] And now, Creep
Thoughts by Jack Handey.

- [Jonah] Oh, he fell
into a carpal tunnel.

- [Crow] It's a major award!

♪ And the haters gonna hate,
hate, hate, hate, hate ♪

- [Jonah] Taylor, I stan you!

- [Crow] I love the smell
of snakepalm in the morning.

- [Tom] Somebody turn on
the subtext titles, please.

(Demon giggling)

- [Jonah] Dock Ellis with the pitch!

- [Crow] Thank you for using Mask.

Be sure not to operate heavy
machinery after applying mask.

- [Tom] Do not combine Mask
with alcohol or other masks.

- [Jonah] Mask is not
responsible for any car chases

or murders the operator commits.

- [Crow] Side effects include
greasy face and crunchy pants.

Ask your Doctor about Mask today!

- [Tom] Ah, it's been one
of those 525,600 minutes

kind of days.

- [Jonah] Long.

- [Tom] That's how you measure a year.

- [Jonah] I'm too tired to
grade these, they all fail.

♪ Lets all go to the lobby,
lets all go to the lobby ♪

- [Tom] Let's see: phone,
wallet, keys, retainer.

Ah yes, ciggies.

Here they are, sweet cigarettes.

- [Jonah] This whole movie
needs a nicotine patch.

- [Crow] Picture if you will,

a therapist who smokes
even more than I do.

- [Tom] They're still warm!

I was just here.

- Oh, Doctor Barnes.

- [Jonah] Oh, I see you
found my haunted glasses.

- I'm afraid I had to cancel
tomorrow's appointments.

I couldn't find you all day to confirm.

- What are you doing here
at this time of night?

- I came in to type some case histories.

I had nothing better to do, so I thought-

- Do them tomorrow.

- [Crow] Tonight tomorrow, or...

- I'll drive you home,
that's the least I can do.

Besides, the air will do you good.

It's too nice a night to
be cooped up in an office.

- Thanks, but I think I'd better not.

I can easily take the bus home.

- Nothing doing.

I said I'd take you home.

- [Tom] Whoa, mister!

Bus means bus!

- Doctor, I'm worried about you.

You look so worn out.

You're sure you're not working too hard?

- I'm flattered that
you're concerned, Jill.

- [Jonah] Elizabeth Shue!

- You know, with your hair this way,

it makes quite a difference.

- [Crow] Thanks. Supercuts!

- I mean it.

I should've noticed before.

- I'm glad you've noticed now.

♪ Love shack, baby, love shack ♪

♪ Baby, love shack ♪

- [Crow] Forehead.

- I'm so glad you insisted
on bringing me here.

- You know, it's strange.

- [Tom] That a hot dog
is considered a sandwich.

- You work with someone for a long time.

- [Jonah] Lengthening their
hours, keeping their pay down.

- And you never notice.

You never do anything about it.

- [Crow] Yeah, because of HR.

- I've wanted you to.

- [Tom] Here comes the mouth plane!

- So warm.

- [Jonah] Like a baked potato.

- So soft.

- [Crow] Like a baked potato.

- Allan, I can't breathe!

- So alive.

(horn honking)

- [Tom] Hey, light's green, buddy!

- I want you to help
me understand the mask.

- [Jonah] Now we gotta ship these two?

- I should've come sooner.

- [Crow] It's pronounced "schooner."

- I feel that even now it
may be too late for me.

- Unbelievable.

- [Tom] Prepare to be boarded!

- You were my most brilliant student.

Now, you're in the same
position as Radin was

only a few days ago.

- I don't need you to tell me that.

You weren't even listening to me.

- [Jonah] I'm sorry, what was that?

- Allan, sit down, relax.

I've been listening for 20 years

Now, let's be reasonable about this.

You know that nothing
happens by sheer accident.

There are always reasons.

We must try to find the
reasons for your behavior.

- [Tom] For the love of God, Doctor,

please don't start in on chemtrails again.

- I'm sorry, professor.

- [Jonah] I never should have bought you

that three hour tour.

- I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

- You've experienced a
tremendous shock, Allan.

- [Crow] A shocky-wocky.

- Body and mind must recuperate, slowly.

- But that's only part of it.

I want you to help me
to understand the mask.

- Isn't the problem rather
one of understanding you?

- [Tom] Whoa!

- No, no, no. I said that too.

- [Jonah] When they tried
to make me go to rehab!

- I tell you, this mask has power.

I've experienced it.

Now, I want to know why and how it works.

- [Crow] Don't lean on his dinghy!

- Think of what that would mean
to the world of psychiatry.

- The world of psychiatry?

You're asking me to enter
the world of the mystic,

of the occult.

- Yes, if you want to put it that way.

- [Tom] And The Eldritch, The
Sub-natural, The Transmundane!

- You stole that mask, Allan.

- [Jonah] Nicked it, he did!

- We'd be working with stolen property.

- [Crow] And I've already got two strikes!

- I'll return it when
our studies are finished.

- Allan, you're asking for trouble.

- [Tom] Right here in River City!

- This sounds like a matter for
the police, not for doctors.

That is if there is something else

to what happened to Radin,
and what is happening to you.

- It doesn't matter.

- [Jonah] Hakuna matata.

- You mean to say you intend
to put that mask on again?

- Yes.

- [Crow] At least until
this cold sore goes away.

- And no one can stop me.

- [Tom] Nobody stop me!

- [Jonah] All right, that's good.

- Allan, wait.

- [Jonah] You were only supposed

to blow the bloody doors off!

- All right, Allan, and I hope
I'm doing the right thing.

- You'll help me?

- Yes.

- [Crow] But only in 2D.

- But, only under controlled
experimental conditions.

You will see me every day, you hear?

You will not miss one day.

As long as you possess that mask,

you will come to me every day.

- Thank you, professor.

- And one more thing, Allan.

- [Tom] All right, Columbo.

- When you next put on that mask,

it will be here in this
house under my observation.

You can live here, if you like.

- [Jonah] Slumber party!

- And listen, Allan.

- [Crow] Call me Admiral.

- Yes?

- We put a time limit on this experiment.

When I say no more, you will obey,

and there will be no more.

- That's reasonable.

- Reasonable? It is not reasonable.

It's the action of a man
crazier than you are.

All right, I'll see you tomorrow.

- [Tom] We sail at dawn!

- [Jonah] Y'all, get these
things away from me, I'm bad!

- I tell ya, this whole
case has gone nuts.

First the mask is gone.

Then it turns up.

Then it disappears again,
now Doctor Barnes is gone.

- [Crow] What a ride!

- There's gotta be a
pattern to it somewhere.

It all has to do with that mask.

- [Tom] And my missing chair.

- I think Doctor Barnes
knows more than he's telling.

Maybe it was for research.

- Research? Oh, come on.

That doesn't make sense.

Be serious will you?

- All right, okay.

Maybe he wants to imitate Radin.

- [Jonah] But it would come
off, like, super racist, right?

- Hey, Bill?

Maybe you've got something there.

Look-

- [Crow] I think we should see other cops.

- Radin had the mask.

Now, he could have committed
murder, any one of those girls.

Then killed himself.

Barnes himself said he
was upset and disturbed.

- [Tom] Irritable, bloated.

- Now maybe Barnes wants to experiment

and he needs the mask.

- Hey, uh, Dan, do you mind
breaking up this coffee break

for a moment?

I want to show you something.

- What? Now?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- [Jonah] It's pictures
from my trip to Cabo.

You got to see this donkey in a sombrero!

- There were literally
hundreds of fingerprints

in that museum office.

Whole sets of them.

- You think these are the ones we want?

- [Lab Technician] Yep,
according to what you told me.

This set was found on
some of the display cases

and on the window panes.

Tells the whole story, doesn't it?

- [Tom] Let's give a little kiss and see!

- Well, have fun.
- Thanks.

- [Jonah] What, with the murder?

- Got any leads then?

- Leads? I've got a whole list of leads.

- [Crow] On Tinder.

- Name of everybody
who knew about the mask

or came in contact with it.

There they are.

- Doctor Allan Barnes
you can forget about.

He's off somewhere.

- [Jonah] Oh wow, there's a
lot of communists on that list.

- You know, when I talked
to his fiancee yesterday,

I had the feeling that she
was covering up enough lies

to fill a boxcar.

- [Tom] Ta ha!

- Well, your hunches
have been right before.

- Yeah, but a hunch won't
stand up in court, will it?

- [Jonah] Thank God for bribes!

- I think I'll go down to his office.

When I come back, I'll
have a set of his prints.

You check the cab drivers,
will ya, and everybody else?

- [Crow] Like, everybody everybody?

- Yes, master.

- And stop eating, you're
getting overweight.

- [Tom] Slam dunk Kelsey Grammar!

(doors slamming)

- So one thing leads to another,

and I put on this bedazzled
mask, just as a goof, really,

and all of a sudden I
can't tell the difference

between reality and fantasy.

And just, it's really
messing up my life, doc.

Is there anything you can do?

- I can help you, Mr. Heston.

You see, I believe the
shortest route to sanity

is through the paranoid
chiaroscuro shadows

of the mid-twentieth century.

I call it noir therapy.

Cambot?

He was a golden boy,
figuratively speaking,

with legs that went all
the way to the ground.

I cracked the venetian
blinds and took a peek

into the baby bird's mind.

It was a mess in there.

Like the men's room
floor at Lambeau Field.

So how do you start your day?

You eat a good breakfast?

- Yeah, I do.

You know, I could hear
everything you were saying.

That whole monologue.

- M-hm, and how did it make you feel?

- To be honest, not very good-

- A cold chill ran down my spine,

like a mouse climbing down a ladder

after an ice cream sundae foot bath.

The way this palooka dodged and weaved,

I was gonna need my dancing shoes.

As sure as a Winnipeg sunset,
this was one tough nut.

- Do I have to pay for these soliloquies?

You know, 'cause it's not very fair.

It's cutting into my time
and I'm paying to be here.

- Things were slanting sour in a hurry.

I knew I had to make with the lightbulbs,

or else luck would be just
like Velma, and run out on me.

- Hey, what's that guy
with the trumpet guy here?

I thought these were private sessions?

- Beat it, gums.

- Heh, heh, solid.

- And how did having a
guy playing a trumpet

in the room make you feel?

- I get to talk now?

- Hey, it's your dime.

- Okay, finally.

Well you see, I really think
it's all about my parents, and-

- Excuse me, is this
the therapist's office?

- Her tube went all the way
up to the part of heaven

where even angels don't dare to fly.

I was wrong for her and
she was wrong for me.

But I wanted to see if two
wrongs maybe made a right.

- His mouth hung open
like a farmhouse mailbox

full of supermarket circulars.

He was big, dumb, and gullible.

Just the way I like 'em.

- Okay, I'm out of here, I'm out of here.

That's it.

- I'll just bill your insurance.

- Ha, jokes on you!

I don't have any!

- Lost another patient.

Play me another tune, gums!

- Sure, this one's called
Freudian Slip and Trip.

(alarm sounding)

- We've got movie sign!

(doors slamming open)

- [Jonah] No one cared who I
was until I put on the mask.

- [Crow] Ugh, Rumplemintz and Molson;

why do I do this to myself?

- [Tom] Somewhere a Pizza
Hut table stands naked.

- Allan.

♪ Sad Men, Sad Men, Alan, Alan ♪

- Sorry to barge in this way.

- [Crow] I'm a bit of a She-Hulk.

- But I had to see you.

I had to talk to you.

- [Tom] Jonah, is this how you act

when someone free-stocks
you in Smash Bros?

- Allan, please turn on the light.

♪ Allan's little light of mine ♪

♪ Pam's gonna let it shine ♪

♪ Allan's little light of mine ♪

♪ Pam's gonna let it shine ♪

♪ Let is shine ♪

- [Crow] Let's see what she's won, George!

- [Tom] It's a greasy
disgraced psychiatrist!

Embarrass your parents and
make your friends uncomfortable

with this sweaty 1961 fiancé!

- The mask?

Then it was you.

- Yes. Yes, it was.

- [Jonah] You was that masked man!

- Do you have to take
the drug again, Allan?

Is it like an addiction that builds

until every pore of
your body craves for it?

Breathes for it?

Is that what you feel, Allan?

- [Crow] I can't hear you! I'm a book now!

- The need to satisfy the
beast that's eating into you?

♪ There's a hunger inside you ♪

- And when you put it on
again, what will it be like?

♪ Won't go away ♪

- Like a shot, a jolt, a charge

that cools your burning body?

- [Crow] It's Greased Lightning!

- Will it lift you up and carry you along

until you're ready to
be plunged down again?

Deeper, deeper, each time
deeper until you die?

- Shut up, shut up!

- [Tom] You're killing
me with this Word Jazz!

- Tell me I'm not right.

- [Jonah] That Pam ain't right.

- Tell me that you're
still the master of it.

That you still have the power
to walk away from it, free.

- [Crow] Yeah, Barnes; free your mind.

The rest will follow!

- I tried to stop.

But I can't.

- [Tom] Can't stop, won't stop!

- I don't want to!

- Allan, your hand.

- [Crow] You grabbed a brat
right off the grill, didn't ya?

- The choice isn't yours anymore.

- [Tom] He's a Jet all the way.

- I'm going to Lieutenant Martin.

- You'd do that?

- [Pam] I'm trying to help you, darling.

- [Jonah] But it's the Sabbath.

- You'd destroy my work?

- [Pam] Allan?

- You'd destroy me!

- What can I do, Allan?

- [Allan] Trust me!

- [Crow] If ya can't trust
me, ya can't trust us!

- A few days.

- [Tom] A week or two; a month at most.

Just until the mask gets back on its feet!

- No, I can't anymore.

- [Jonah] Okay then, but
please know this one thing,

it's a matter of life and death:

you have to, no matter what you do,

it's vitally important
that you, mm, mm, mm,

or you might die.

Did you get all that?

- I'm going, Allan.

I'm not coming back.

- [Crow] She's going to
the Hotel California?

- Pam, wait.

- [Tom] Mm, that smells great. Pert Plus?

- Pam?

- [Jonah] I need your stuff
out of the condo by Friday.

- Pam, I went to see
Professor Quincey last night.

- [Crow] He finished his ship!

- I promised him I'd return today.

I wasn't going to keep that
promise, but I will now.

- [Tom] Fingers crossed!

- And the mask?

- We'll take it along.

- [Jonah] But the mask gets shotgun.

- Quincey wants to study it.

Some time tomorrow.

- [Crow] Today? Tomorrow?
I can't keep up with this.

- No. Now.

- [Tom] Now's no good,
how about now-fifteen?

- You need help right now.

- Oh no, Pam. Tomorrow!

- [Jonah] Bet your bottom dollar.

- Allan.

- [Crow] Hold on, kidney stone.

(grunts) Okay.

- All right.

Let's go.

- [Tom] We'll return to As The Skull Burns

after this commercial
for Fantastic cigarettes.

- [Jonah] Mm, Fantastic.

Oh no, he's gonna send
her to the Sunken Place!

- How much longer will he
sleep, Professor Quincey?

- Through the night, I should think.

I gave him quite a strong sedative.

- [Crow] A relaxing croquet
mallet to the skull.

- I'm very grateful to you, Professor.

I was desperate.

It seemed there was no one
to turn to except the police.

- I understand, Pam, but
Allan isn't a criminal.

He's on the verge of a complete breakdown.

He'll need lots of rest.

And help.

- [Tom] And a bionic arm.

- But you do think he'll be cured?

- [Jonah] Well...

- I mean in time.

He'll break loose from the
influence of that thing.

- [Jonah] Like Game of Thrones.

- Same, how could they
drop the ball like that?

- But that thing, as you call
the mask, is still a mystery.

It puzzles me deeply.

I hardly know where to begin.

- Then, how can you help him?

- [Tom] Let me explain via freestyle rap.

My name is Doctor Quincey and uh...

I shoulda written this down.

- [Quincey] Pam, man is
constantly faced with the unknown,

the inexplicable.

- [Jonah] The un-understandable.

- But through study and
experiment, he learns.

Look Pam, this book.

- [Crow] It's about a cool dude named JC

who lived a long time ago.

- Masks: The Many Faces of Men.

- Gross.

- This is a translation from the Greek,

written 3,000 years ago.

You see, the legend of the
mask is not at all new.

Even then, they believed that
masks have magical powers

to transform personalities.

Now, listen to this.

- [Jonah] Since the dawn
of time, man has yearned

to make a ship small enough
for a hamster to captain.

- The personality of
the wearer is submerged,

then transformed into a person with voice,

character, and governing
motives different from his own.

- [Crow] Oh professor, you
know I don't believe in books.

- It's incredible, a person
being made to do things

against his will.

- [Tom] Allow me to mansplain.

- Not exactly, Pam.

You see, the mask itself
has no thoughts to give,

no ideas to convey.

The legend is, is that it has the power

to bring out the suppressed thoughts

and ideas of the person wearing it.

- [Jonah] Much like a No Fear T-shirt.

- You mean the way
Allan acts, what he does

was in his mind all along
just waiting to be released?

- It could be that way.

♪ Tell me why ♪

- I shall have to analyze
Allan and the mask

much more thoroughly.

- [Tom] He fell asleep while dabbing.

- [Michael] Put the mask on, now.

- [Jonah] He's got real strong
Morrissey vibes goin' here.

- [Crow] Look at those pants;

he's got like five pleats working!

- [Michael] Put the mask on, now.

- Wait; they locked
him in a room with it!?

Who's his therapist, Dr. Drew?

- [Jonah] I'm finishing my memoirs.

That's when John Ford pointed me out

and said "The mask stays in the picture."

And the rest-

Hey, hey! I was on a roll!

- [Michael] Put the mask on, now.

- [Crow] We know! It's obvious!

- [Michael] Put the mask on, now.

- [Tom] We're doing it!

- [Michael] Put the mask on, now.

- [Jonah] Could you at least say please?

- [Michael] Put the mask on, now.

- [Crow] We heard you!

- [Michael] Put the mask on, now.

- [Tom] If you ask us to put
the mask on one more time,

I'm gonna, okay.

♪ I was gonna pay my bills,
but then I put on the mask ♪

♪ Yeah, I put the mask, I put
on the mask, I put on the mask ♪

- [Crow] Nice of the movie
to treat us to a spa day.

- [Tom] Take the mask off now.

I can't swim!

- [Jonah] The Lady of the
Lake is not looking good.

- [Crow] So, what brings
you to the River Styx?

You know the Styx isn't the
only river in the Underworld,

there's Phlegethon,
Acheron, Lethe, Cocytus.

Anyway, first time in Hell?

- [Tom] Why don't my
tree skulls grow so lush?

Look at those!

- [Jonah] You want AC?

I got bottled water.

Haunted Moans working for ya,
or you more of a Top 40 guy?

I like conservative talk radio myself.

- [Crow] Good game, good
game, good game, good game.

- [Tom] Mine, mine, mine, mine.

- [Jonah] Yeah, if you don't get

to Glen Danzig's yard sale early,

all the best stuff is gone.

- [Crow] The boat is a coffin?

Thanks for the ride, HMS Subtlety.

- [Tom] Oh I know this part,
it looks like you're going to

run into the mask but
then it drops you down

into a big log flume.
- [Jonah] Oh, yeah.

Caw!

Oh, hey, oh.

- [Crow] Taffy!

- [Tom] General Zod!

- [Jonah] Spock!

- [Crow] Spock!

- [Tom] Whoa, even the movie
is throwing in the towel.

- [Jonah] Is this year's
prom theme Sepulchural?

- [Crow] Is Fairuza Balk
gonna pop outta that cake?

- Some people can sleep anywhere.

- [Temptress] Allan?

- She's got legless leg syndrome!

- [Temptress] Allan? Allan?

- [Crow] Here comes the tickle monster!

- [Temptress] Allan?

- [Tom] Is someone speaking
into a fan or something?

- [Jonah] Crash test dummies in love.

♪ Mm mm mm mm ♪

♪ Mm mm mm ♪

- [Tom] Mucho mucho amor!

- [Jonah] Hi.

Matt Foley?

(woman screaming)

- [Crow] Yeah, that'll happen
when you put your occult alter

right over a gas main.

(GPC humming National Anthem)

- [GPC] The Mask now
concludes its broadcast day.

- [Crow] It's always weird
when you go back home

and your parents have turned your bedroom

into the set of a Tennessee Williams play.

- Let me out!

- [Tom] Mommy!

- Let me out! (screams)

Let me out!

- [Jonah] Sorry about
that, sorry, I'm out.

Turns out it was a push, not a pull.

My bad, sorry for yelling.

- Allan, what is it?

- [Crow] I can't sleep.

Your grown up party is too loud.

- Allan!

- [Tom] Tiny mutiny!

- [Jonah] Everybody betray me!

I'm fed up with this world!

- [Pam] Allan! Allan!

(intense music)

- [Crow] Move over, jacket, I'm driving.

- Police department, please.

- [Tom] Yes, I'm white.

- Uh, Lieutenant Martin in homicide.

Oh, he's not in.

- [Crow] Did he stop to shave?

- [Pam] What shall I do now?

- [Quincey] Give Allan's description.

Tell them to pick him up.

- I can't.

He's not a criminal, not like that.

You said so yourself.

- You must.

- [Tom] He broke my spectacles!

- We may be taking a terrible chance.

- I can't.

- [Jonah] Candymangram!

- [Jill] Who is it?

- It's Allan. Allan Barnes?

- [Crow] I just need one more mask.

Hockey mask, ski mask, anything you got!

- Is anything wrong, Allan?

- No, I, I have to talk to you.

Won't you come out?

- But it's very late.

- I must talk to you.

Please, Jill.

Please, it'll only take a few minutes.

Please?

- All right, wait a minute.

- [Tom] Did he stop to unshave?

- Please tell Lieutenant Martin

that Miss Pamela Albright called.

- [Jonah] I've finished his portrait.

- Yes, it's extremely urgent.

No, I'm at the home of Professor Quincey.

- [Crow] Admiral Quincy of the HMS Puny.

- Wainright 9, 6293.

- [Tom] 867-5309.

- Allan, please tell
me, what is the matter?

- [Jonah] I've got late
onset Abe Lincoln face.

- Look at the stars, Jill.

- [Crow] They're just like us!

- Aren't they beautiful?

- [Tom] Big, and gassy. Just like me.

- Look at them, because you
will never see them again.

- Don't joke, Allan.

- Oh, I'm not joking.

- [Jonah] I said don't choke, Allan.

- What are you going to do?

- Kill you.

- No!

- [Crow] But you haven't
even met my parents!

- No.

- I must.

I must experience the
greatest act of a human mind

to take another life.

- No!

- [Tom] Chocolate syrup
and me with no milk.

Damn you mask!

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

Oh, Lieutenant Martin.

Listen, it's about Doctor Barnes.

Yes. Yes.

All right, I'll do just as you say.

Thank you, and please hurry.

- What did they say?

- He wants us to take the
mask and get out of here

in case Allan should come back.

- [Quincey] And the police?

- Lieutenant Martin is on his way.

He's not far.

- [Quincey] We must hurry.

- I'll find the mask. I'll be right down.

- [Jonah] Just gotta drop a deuce.

♪ Baby, I can drive my car ♪

- [Tom] Put the me on now!

- Allan, what are you doing?

- Get out of my way!

- [Jonah] Stop, his
shoulders can't breathe!

- Get out of my way.

- [Crow] Wendy? Darling?

Light of my life?

- [Tom] Dry clean only, line dry.

- Allan.

- [Jonah] Wanna know
how I got these scars?

- Go on, Pam. Put it on.

- No.

- [Crow] On a scale of one to 50,

which shade of gray is this?

- Then give it to me.

- Stay away from me!

- I want you to learn about this mask.

- [Tom] As an elective?

- I want you to put it on.
- No.

- Because I want you to have

the greatest experience of your life.

- [Jonah] Oh, that's nice!

- I want you to descend to
the bottom of your soul.

- [Jonah] Oh, that's less nice.

- I want you to discover
desires and fears of your mind.

- [Pam] No!

- Pam, put it on.

- [Crow] Ew, Allan, it
smells so bad in here!

- Tell me what you feel.

Tell me, Pam, you do see?

- I see you, Allan.

- [Tom] This whole movie is like an excuse

that serial killers use.

- No, you lie.

You lie. You lie.
- No!

- Tell me the truth!

- [Jonah] Outlander!

- No!

No! No!

- [Tom] Turns out, I
can't handle the truth!

(intense music)

- [Crow] I heard the blues a' callin'!

(intense music)

- [Tom] Tossed salad!
- [Jonah] Scrambled eggs!

- [Crow] Hey. Didja see that?

The way I took him down?

Pretty cool, right?

- Are you okay?

- Yes.

- Good; look, I'm
double-parked, so I should bail.

- Allan.

- [Crow] Vogue.

- [Jonah] Yep, that's me!

You're probably wondering
how I ended up here.

Well, that means you
weren't paying attention.

- Ladies and gentlemen is the famous mask.

The mask was first discovered

at the La Mar diggings this year.

That's near the South
American city of Ticau.

- [Crow] Uh, where's the basement?

- Now, if you will follow me across here,

just behind this alcove, please.

- [Tom] The snack bar is
just around the corner.

It's Meatball Sandwich Monday.

Also, if you get the fries separately,

it's actually cheaper than
the alleged value meal.

- And here, we have some more
artifacts that were dug up

by the expedition that
may be very interesting

in relating the story of the mask.

- [Jonah] Aah, this is boring;

where's that smashed penny machine?

- [Crow] Listen, it's
best if you don't put me

on some sort of pedestal.

- [Tom] I mean, who would know?

Just kiss it once and be on my way.

It'd be our little secret, yeah.

Yeah, love you.

- [Jonah] Don't listen to that guy;

the value meal at the
snack bar is worth it;

you get free refills and
a rice crispie treat!

♪ Ya, da, da, da, da ♪

♪ Da, da, da, da, da, da ♪

- [Jonah] You've seen the move,

now experience The Mask, the ride!

(doors slamming)

(Jonah singing)

- What's up dorks?

- It's the skull from the movie!

Ooh, I'm super terrified.

- Yeah, I wet 'em!

- Oh, you guys, that's
so sweet of you to say.

- Oh, oh, oh, could you do that 3D thing

where you fly out over the
audience and flip everyone out?

- No, I don't think we have time for that.

- Sure!

One William Castle coming up!

Whoa!

- Ha, ha, ha, ha.

You know Jonah, this skull
guy is really fulfilling

this whole 3D idea.

Do we need the log flume thing?

- Of course we need the...

Why can't we do both?

- Kinda feels like a hat on a hat.

- What would you know about that?

What's more 3D than a log flume?

Name one thing.

- Bungee jumping?

- Tennis match.

- Shark feeding.

- [Bots] Yeah, shark feeding!

- Guys, this log flume was a
lot of work, you know that.

- Uh, I don't know.

I'm pretty content with
this giant mosaic skull.

He's rad.

- Oh, you wanna see rad?

Check this out! Wa!

- Oh, yeah, awesome!

- Yes, yes, it's awesome.

Okay, well, I guess we'll
see you around, the skull.

Um, we have a log flume to
go down, so let's get going.

- Ooh, ooh, ooh, can
the skull come with us?

- Oh I don't want to be a bother.

- See Tom, the skull has
other things to do, okay?

- Oh please?

- [Bots] Please, please, please.

- Okay.

- Yeah, sit next to me, the skull!

- Okay, all right.

We're coming up on the
drop, so let's get going.

- Full disclosure, my scream
is super embarrassing!

- What?

Oh, here we go, here we go, here we go!

- [All] Happy Halloween everybody!

(all screaming)

- Push the button, Max.

- Yeah.

(bright music)

(upbeat music)

♪ No they can't come ♪

♪ They can't come ♪

♪ They can't come ♪

♪ They won't come ♪

♪ No they can't come ♪

♪ They can't come ♪

♪ They can't come ♪

♪ They won't come ♪

♪ Ooh, ba-ba-do ♪

♪ Ooh, ba-ba-do ♪

♪ Ooh, ba-ba-do ♪

(upbeat jazzy music)

(upbeat rock music)

(bright jazzy music)

(Mrs. Kelly screaming)