My Wife and Kids (2001–2005): Season 5, Episode 8 - Restaurant Wars - full transcript

FREEZE, MUMFORD.
BACK AWAY FROM THE COBBLER.

COME ON, DAD, YOU ALWAYS
GET THE LAST PIECE.

THAT'S BECAUSE I'M
THE ALPHA DOG AROUND HERE.

I'M THE KING OF THIS CASTLE,

AND THAT'S
THE ONLY PERK I GET...

THE LAST PIECE
OF PEACH COBBLER PIE

AND YOUR MAMA'S RUMP ROAST.

SO, I DARE ANYBODY
TO TOUCH THAT.

GO AHEAD, TOUCH IT.

GO AHEAD, FRANKLIN,
DON'T LET HIM BULLY YOU.

[ GROWLS ]



[ GROWLS ]

[ GROWLS ]

[ BOTH GROWLING ]

WILL YOU GUYS STOP IT?

THERE'S PLENTY MORE.

I'M JUST KIDDING.

IF YOU WANT THIS LAST PIECE
OF PECAN PUMPKIN PEASANT PIE,

PEN YOU PEST PECK IT
PITH UPON IT.

I DON'T THINK
I WANT IT ANYMORE.

IS IT SOMETHING
I SAID?

OH, MICHAEL, YOU GUYS
ARE BEING SO SILLY,

FIGHTING OVER A PIECE
OF COBBLER.

OH, NO, THIS IS NOT
JUST COBBLER.

THIS IS THE BEST COBBLER
EVER MADE.



YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT
'CAUSE I'M YOUR WIFE.

NO, JAY, I'M SAYING IT
BECAUSE IT'S TRUE.

THIS IS THE PERFECT COBBLER.

COME ON, MICHAEL.

IT'S GOOD HOME COOKING,

BUT IT'S NOT
RESTAURANT QUALITY.

IF THERE'S A RESTAURANT
THAT SOLD THIS,

I'D EAT THERE ALL THE TIME.
AIN'T THAT RIGHT, KIDS?

I KNOW I WOULD.

IT'S FUNNY YOU SHOULD
MENTION THAT.

UH-OH.

WHY YOU SAYING "UH-OH"?

WHY YOU SAY "IT'S FUNNY
YOU SHOULD MENTION THAT"?

EVERY TIME YOU SAY "FUNNY
YOU SHOULD MENTION THAT,"

IT ENDS UP
COSTING ME MONEY.

WELL, THIS TIME I THINK

IT'S GONNA END UP MAKING YOU
SOME MONEY.

I'M OPENING A RESTAURANT!

[ SNIFFING ]

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

COBBLER?

ROAST BEEF?

NO, IT SMELLS LIKE
AN ARGUMENT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

COME ON, FRANKLIN.

GIVE ME A MINUTE.

YOU'RE NOT TELLING ME
TO WAIT, ARE YOU?

OKAY,
WHAT'S GOING ON, JAY?

MICHAEL, YOU SAID YOURSELF
IF THERE WAS A RESTAURANT

THAT SERVED
THIS KIND OF FOOD

YOU WOULD EAT THERE
EVERY NIGHT.

I KNOW, BUT THAT
WAS JUST FOREPLAY.

DO YOU REALLY THINK
I MEAN

ALL THOSE NICE THINGS
I SAY TO YOU?

I'M JUST TRYING TO CUT DOWN
ON SOME BEGGING TIME

UP IN THE BEDROOM.

MICHAEL, I'M SERIOUS.

LOOK, FOR THE PAST COUPLE
OF MONTHS

I'VE BEEN DOING ALL
THIS LEGWORK.

EVERYTHING'S ALREADY
TAKEN CARE OF.

JAY, RESTAURANTS HAVE
THE HIGHEST RATE OF FAILURE

OF ANY BUSINESSES
IN AMERICA.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING,
MICHAEL...

THAT I'M NOT SAVVY ENOUGH
TO START MY OWN BUSINESS?

I WAS A SUCCESSFUL
INVESTMENT BANKER,

AND I KNOW A GOOD OPPORTUNITY
WHEN I SEE ONE.

YOU CAN TALK.

OKAY.

I'M NOT DOUBTING
YOUR ABILITY.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT
YOU'RE DOING.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE SAYING?

EVERYTHING
THAT YOU ALWAYS SAY.

"I WANT JAY TO STAY AT HOME
AND COOK, AND CLEAN,

"AND WAIT AFTER ME
HAND AND FOOT,

AND FEED ME COBBLER WHEN
I FEEL LIKE HAVING IT."

YOU FORGOT BUTT-NAKED WITH
THE LITTLE FEATHER.

LOOK, BABY,
THIS IS CRAZY.

FIRST OF ALL, WHEN YOU
OPEN UP A RESTAURANT

THE FIRST THING YOU NEED TO DO
IS FIND A GREAT LOCATION.

[ LAUGHS ]
DONE.

YOU FOUND A LOCATION.

IT'S DOWNTOWN AND,
MICHAEL, IT IS PERFECT!

I LOOKED AT IT.

IT'S SET UP
AND READY TO GO.

IT'S TURNKEY OPERATION,

AND THERE'S ONLY ONE OTHER
RESTAURANT WITHIN 20 BLOCKS.

LOOK, THIS IS A CHANCE,
MICHAEL,

FOR ME TO DO SOMETHING
I ALWAYS DREAMED ABOUT.

AND WHEN IT'S A SUCCESS,
IT'LL BE GREAT FOR EVERYBODY.

BUT, BABY, JUST BECAUSE
YOU CAN COOK AT THE HOUSE

DON'T MEAN YOU CAN
OPEN A RESTAURANT.

WHAT IF I HAD SAID THAT
TO YOU 20 YEARS AGO, MICHAEL?

"JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN
DRIVE A TRUCK

DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU CAN OWN
YOUR OWN TRUCKING COMPANY."

THAT'S DIFFERENT.

I HAD SOMETHING
BEHIND ME.

WHAT?

YOU.

HMM...

I WONDER WHO
THE NEW OWNER

OF THE RESTAURANT ACROSS
THE STREET ARE GOING TO BE?

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

NOBODY CAN COMPETE
WITH US.

THEY COULD HAVE NAKED WOMEN
SELLING HOT DOGS

IN BOTH HANDS,
AND WE'D STILL WIN.

YOU'RE RIGHT.
WE'RE GOOD.

NO, I'M GOOD.

YOU'RE JUST ALONG
FOR THE RIDE.

OOH, I LOVE IT
WHEN YOU DEGRADE ME.

GOOD. SHUT UP!

NOW, GET ON YOUR BIKE

AND PEDAL THIS LUNGFISH CAKE
OVER TO MR. WILSON.

WHEN I GET BACK,
HOW ABOUT A LITTLE BIT

OF YOUR SWEET AND PUNGENT PORK
ON THE TABLE?

MAYBE.

IT DEPENDS ON HOW QUICKLY
YOU GET BACK.

NOW GO!

[ CHUCKLES ]

I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE

OR WHAT KIND OF RESTAURANT
YOU'RE GONNA OPEN,

BUT WE'RE GONNA CRUSH YOU
LIKE WE CRUSHED

THOSE NAKED HOT DOG LADIES.

I'M BACK.

WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?

YOU KNOW WILSON...
GAB, GAB, GAB, GAB, GAB.

WELL, THEN,
LET'S GET BUSY.

I DON'T WANT TO WORK
IN A RESTAURANT.

WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO HELP OUT
THE WOMAN THAT LAID ON HER BACK

FOR 36 HOURS IN LABOR
WITH NO DRUGS,

ASKING GOD TO PLEASE
SPARE HER LIFE

SO SHE CAN BRING YOU
INTO THE WORLD, HUH?

MAYBE I SHOULD PUT
THAT TAPE IN.

COME ON, NO, DAD!

THAT'S OKAY.

I THOUGHT
YOU'D SEE IT MY WAY.

LOOK, IT'S JUST
FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS

UNTIL THE BUSINESS GOES BROKE.

THEN OUR LIVES
WILL GO BACK TO NORMAL.

BUT WHY DO WE HAVE
TO GET INVOLVED?

IT'S A FAMILY BUSINESS, OKAY,

ARE YOU'RE PART OF THE FAMILY
UNFORTUNATELY.

BESIDES, IF YOU DON'T DO IT

THEN I GOT TO PAY
SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT.

I'M NOT PUTTING
ANOTHER PENNY INTO IT

MORE THAN I ALREADY PUT IN.

BUT WHAT IF SHE'S
SUCCESSFUL?

[ ALL LAUGH ]

THAT'S GOOD, THAT'S GOOD!

SHE CRAZY.

THANKS FOR ADDING LEVITY
TO THIS SITUATION.

SHE HASN'T BEEN IN
THE FAMILY LONG.

NO, SHE HASN'T.

THIS IS JUST THE LATEST

IN A LONG SERIES OF JAY'S
ATTEMPTS "TO EXPRESS HERSELF."

BUT, DAD,
I CAN'T WORK FOR MOM

BECAUSE I WORK FOR YOU.

HMM, PROBLEM.

PROBLEM SOLVED.
YOU'RE FIRED.

NOW YOU WORK FOR YOUR MOTHER.

YOU AND CLAIRE ARE GONNA BE
THE BUSBOYS.

I DON'T EVEN
WASH DISHES HERE.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU'RE GONNA BE
THE HOSTESS/WAITRESS.

AND THING ONE AND THING TWO,
THEY'LL WASH THE DISHES.

BUT THAT'S NO FAIR.

WHAT ABOUT ALL
THE CHILD LABOR LAWS?

FUNNY YOU SHOULD SAY "LABOR."
LET ME PUT THAT TAPE IN.

[ ALL SHOUTING ]

NO, NO! PLEASE.

DON'T WORRY, THING ONE,
I'LL DO ALL THE WORK.

YOU JUST SIT THERE
AND BE BEAUTIFUL.

THAT'S EASY.

IF I'M GONNA WORK THERE,

I'M GONNA HAVE TO BRING
THE BABY.

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

PEOPLE LOVE BABIES.

WE'LL PUT HIM IN THE FRONT
WINDOW AND ATTRACT CUSTOMERS.

MAYBE WE CAN GET ONE
OF THOSE BIG LOBSTER TANKS

AND JUST FILL IT UP
WITH BABIES.

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

NO, IT'S NOT!

HEY, IS EVERYBODY EXCITED?!

YEAH!

I GOT 'EM ALL
FIRED UP HERE.

AIN'T THAT RIGHT, KIDS?

YEAH.
YEAH. YEAH.

I THINK I NEED
TO PUT ON A TAPE.

YEAH! YES! YES!

I'M SO FIRED UP!

IT'S OKAY, IT'S OKAY,
I KNOW YOU'RE LYING,

BUT I'M GONNA
PROVE YOU WRONG

BECAUSE ONE DAY THERE WILL BE
A "COBBLER" ON EVERY CORNER.

THEN YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
CHANGE THE NAME.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH
"THE COBBLER"?

NOTHING IF YOU WANT PEOPLE
TO BRING IN OLD SHOES.

[ LAUGHS ]

GET IT?

COBBLER?

SHOEMAKER AND THE ELVES?

READ A FAIRY TALE,
PEOPLE.

I THINK WHAT THE KIDS
ARE TRYING TO SAY

IS THAT "THE COBBLER"
IS A LITTLE TOO SPECIFIC.

YEAH, YOU COOK MORE
THAN COBBLER, MOM.

YOU SURE DO.

HOW ABOUT "KYLES'
SOOOOOOOOUL KITCHEN"?

MICHAEL,
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA!

"JAY'S SOOOOOOOOUL
KITCHEN."

THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID.

I HEARD WHAT YOU SAID.

Junior: IF WE'RE
GONNA BE INVOLVED,

WE'D LIKE OUR NAME
ON IT, TOO.

YOU WHAT? SAY WHAT?

WHAT HE SAY?

'CAUSE I... WHAT?
WHAT, BOY?

LET ME POINT OUT
THE FACT

THAT WE ARE ASKING THE KIDS
TO DO THIS FOR NOTHING.

AND LET ME POINT OUT
THE FACT

THAT I'VE BEEN DOING IT
FOR NOTHING FOR YEARS.

I NEVER HAD A SIGN OUTSIDE
THIS DOOR WITH MY NAME ON IT.

I NEVER HAD A PLAQUE THAT SAID
EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH.

I NEVER HAD A DAMN THING,

SO YOU CAN TELL THESE KIDS
TO SUCK IT UP

AND BE HAPPY
THAT THEY WORK FOR ME.

[ SHOUTS ]

YES.

HEAR YE, HEAR YE,
GOT GREAT NEWS.

WE'RE GONNA NAME IT
"JAY'S SOOOOUL KITCHEN."

YAY.

DO I HAVE TO RE-ENACT
THE TAPE?

[ ALL SHOUTING ]

MY MOM'S A GENIUS!
MY MAMA'S SMART!

Michael:
THERE YOU GO.

WHEN YOUR STOMACH
GETS TO TWITCHIN',

COME ON OUT TO JAY'S
SOUL KITCHEN.

'CAUSE THE FOOD
IS ENRICHIN'.

YEAH,
AND IT'S BEWITCHIN'.

YOU CAN GO NOW.

BEWITCHIN', DAD?
THAT'S HORRIBLE.

HEY, DON'T CRITICIZE MY SLOGAN
UNLESS YOU GOT A BETTER ONE.

I'M TRYING TO COME UP
WITH A CATCHPHRASE,

SOMETHING LIKE, HERE'S
WHERE YUMMY MEETS TUMMY.

OR, I'D WALK A MILE
TO GET A KYLE.

HOW ABOUT THIS?

WE'RE ALREADY RICH,

SO WHY THE HECK
ARE WE DOING THIS?

LOOK AT THAT.

GET OUT OF HERE.

BABY, HOW YOU DOING
OVER HERE?

I AM HAVING THE TIME
OF MY LIFE.

WE'RE DOING SUCH
GREAT BUSINESS, BABY.

WE'VE BEEN OPEN FOR 3 HOURS,
AND WE ALREADY MADE $200.

IF WE'RE OPEN FOR 12 HOURS,
THAT'S $800.

WE CAN OPEN A CHAIN
OF THESE STORES!

WE CAN OPEN A CHAIN
OF JAY'S SOUL KITCHENS!

AND OPEN ONE IN INDIA...
CURRY COBBLER...

AND THAT WOULD BE
REALLY...

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
DON'T GET TOO EXCITED.

CURRY COBBLER,
I LIKE THAT.

BUT, LISTEN, WE ONLY MADE
200 BUCKS, OKAY?

WE CAN'T REALLY TELL
WHAT THE RESTAURANT'S DOING

FOR ANOTHER COUPLE
OF WEEKS.

GET YOUR NEGATIVITY
AWAY FROM ME.

I'M TRYING TO BE
REALISTIC HERE.

WHERE'S CLAIRE?

I SENT HER OUT
TO PASS OUT FLYERS

SO SHE CAN ATTRACT
NEW CUSTOMERS.

HI, DAD, I FOUND A GREAT WAY
TO LURE IN BUSINESS.

WHAT, THE FLYERS?

NOPE, EVEN BETTER.
WATCH THIS.

OH, BOYS?

WHAT THE?

GIRL, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
THE HOSTESS, NOT THE HO-STESS.

DAD!

SHE'S A MAîTRE D',
NOT A MAîTRE D-CUP.

MICHAEL!

DAD!

LOOK AT ALL
THE CUSTOMERS.

HELLO, CUSTOMERS.

YOU GONNA BUY
SOMETHING?

THEN GET THE HELL
OUT OF MY RESTAURANT!

GET OUT!

AND YOU GO PUT
SOME CLOTHES ON.

THAT DIDN'T WORK.

WHY DON'T YOU WEAR
AN OUTFIT LIKE THAT?

WELL, WELL, WELL,
LOOK WHO'S HERE.

IF IT ISN'T THE HOOS.

THE WHO?

YEAH, BOTH OF THEM.

TWO HOOS RIGHT THERE.

DON'T YOU PEOPLE
EVER GET SICK OF THAT?

WELL, AT ANY RATE
IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.

NO, NOT NICE TO MEET YOU.

WHAT YOU TRYING TO DO,
PUT US OUT OF BUSINESS?

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

THAT'S OUR RESTAURANT
ACROSS THE STREET.

I KNOW, IT'S CHINESE FOOD.
THIS IS SOUL FOOD.

THERE'S NO COMPETITION HERE.

LISTEN UP, BALDY,
THIS IS OUR BLOCK.

THIS IS A CHINESE FOOD
BLOCK.

WHAT'D I TELL YOU ABOUT
INTERRUPTING ME?

[ SHOUTING IN CHINESE ]

SORRY, HONEY.

THIS IS A CHINESE FOOD
BLOCK.

I VANQUISH ALL
OUR ENEMIES.

NOBODY OVERTAKES
THE HOOS.

HOWDY, HOOS,
MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER?

YOU DON'T TAKE ORDER.

I GIVE ORDER.
GET OUT OF TOWN.

OKAY.

YEAH.

SHUT UP.

I THINK WE'RE JUST GONNA
HAVE TO LEARN...

YOU HAVE TILL SUNDOWN
TOMORROW.

WHAT IF WE DON'T JUST
PACK UP AND LEAVE?

THEN THE SAME THING'S
GONNA HAPPEN TO YOU

THAT HAPPENED TO
THE DOUGHNUT SHOP,

THE YOGURT SHOP,
THE PRETZEL STORE,

THE FUNNEL CAKE SHOP,
THE FONDU SHOP,

THE PIZZA PLACE,
THE COFFEEHOUSE,

AND THE NAKED
HOT DOG LADIES.

ALL GONE.

ALL FALL BEFORE
THE HOUSE OF HOO.

HMM!

♪ HEY, HOO KICKED
THOSE DOGS OUT? ♪

♪ HOO, HOO, HOO, HOO, HOO ♪

ALL RIGHT, COME ON.

BOY, IT SURE IS QUIET.

BUSINESS HAS
SLOWED DOWN A BIT.

I WONDER WHAT WE'RE
DOING WRONG.

WE HAVEN'T HAD A SINGLE
CUSTOMER ALL DAY.

A CUSTOMER!

HEY, HI,
CAN WE HELP YOU, SIR?

I'M LOOKING FOR HOO'S
CHINESE KITCHEN.

HOO?

I HEAR THEY'RE SELLING
SEOUL FOOD.

THAT'S THE CHINESE RESTAURANT
ACROSS THE STREET.

WE'RE THE ONLY ONES
SELLING SOUL FOOD.

NOT ACCORDING TO THIS FLYER.

HE'S RIGHT. THE HOOS
PUT UP A NEW SIGN.

THEY'RE STEALING
OUR CUSTOMERS.

AAH!

MICHAEL, TELL ME THAT DOESN'T
SAY WHAT I THINK IT SAYS.

"SEOUL FOOD"!

THAT'S FALSE
ADVERTISEMENT.

SEOUL IS IN KOREA.
THEY'RE CHINESE.

THEY RIPPED OFF
OUR SIGN.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN,
MY LOVE?

I WAS LEARNING.

"HE WHO LEARNS BUT DOES NOT
THINK IS LOST."

HEY, THAT'S
FORTUNE-COOKIE TALK.

SHE'S BEEN EATING
WITH THE ENEMY.

AT LEAST
THEY HAVE COOKIES.

HOW MUCH COBBLER
CAN ONE PERSON EAT?

OH, MY GOD, THEY GOT KADY,
BUT SHE'S ALWAYS BEEN WEAK.

AT LEAST
WE HAVE FRANKLIN.

THIS IS GOOD.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT'S TIME TO RETALIATE.

Jay: MICHAEL,
YOU ARE A GENIUS

GIVING AWAY
FREE SAMPLES OF PIE.

LOOK AT ALL THESE PEOPLE.

NOW WE GOT THE UPPER HAND.

WE'LL SHOW THE HOOS
WHO'S WHO AROUND HERE.

THAT'S RIGHT!

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

IS THAT AN EGG ROLL
IN YOUR POCKET,

OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY
TO SEE ME?

EGG ROLL.

GO DO SOMETHING.

YOU GOING DOWN,
CUE BALL.

MICHAEL, WILL YOU
PLEASE WORK FASTER?

STOP WORRYING ABOUT
ANNIE HOO.

IF WE KEEP SERVING GOOD FOOD
AT A GOOD PRICE,

WE'LL BE FINE.

YOU'RE RIGHT, JAY,
WE'RE DOING GREAT, HUH?

WE'RE A FORCE TO BE RECKONED
WITH ON THIS BLOCK.

AND IF ANNIE HOO
CAN'T TAKE THE HEAT,

SHE BETTER GET UP OUT
OF JAY'S SOOOOOUL KITCHEN.

THAT'S WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT.

[ SCREAMS ]

LOOK, A RAT!

THAT'S NOT CHICKEN!

IT'S A RAT!

I'M NOT EATING HERE!

I'M GOING TO THE CHINESE
RESTAURANT ACROSS THE STREET,

WHERE IT'S CLEAN!

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

HEY, THERE'S NO RAT.

NO? OH, MY MISTAKE.

HAVE A NICE DAY.

OH, BY THE WAY,
THE CHICKEN'S VERY GOOD.

YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD GIVE ME
THE RECIPE WHEN YOU CLOSE.

THAT WAS ANNIE HOO!

TELL ME SHE JUST
DID NOT DO THAT!

SHE JUST DID IT.
THAT WOMAN IS DIABOLICAL.

OH, BOY, NOW THE GLOVES
ARE COMING OFF, JAY.

OOOOH.

SORRY,
NO ROOM IN THE HOUSE.

GOOD. WE'RE NOT
GONNA STAY LONG.

JUST CAME HERE
TO LAY DOWN THE LAW.

AND SO WE DON'T
GET IT WRONG,

I'M GONNA LET HIM SPEAK TO YOU
IN CHINESE AND TELL YOU.

TELL HER, FRANKLIN.

[ SPEAKING CHINESE ]

YOU ALL DONE?

YES.

[ SPEAKING CHINESE ]

YOU LITTLE POT STICKER!

WELL, IT'S PLAN "B,"
MR. KYLE.

YEAH, PLAN "B" IT IS.

I WONDER WHAT'S GOING ON
IN THIS PLACE

THAT THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT
WOULD GIVE YOU AN "F"?!

AN "F"!

YEAH, AND LOOK AT THIS.

THERE'S A FINGER
IN HIS FINGER FOOD.

OH, MY GOD, MAYBE THAT'S WHY
THEY GAVE IT AN "F," HUH?

IT'S A GOOD THING
YOU DIDN'T GET AN "A."

THERE'S BE AN ASS
ON YOUR PLATE.

HEY, LOOK, THERE'S SOME
SOUL FOOD DOWN THE STREET.

THIS WAY,
RIGHT THAT WAY.

THAT'S NOT A REAL FINGER!

I SHOW YOU
A REAL FINGER.

HEY, HEY, HEY,
HEY, HEY.

[ LAUGHS ] MY MISTAKE.

OUR MISTAKE.
YOU HAVE A NICE DAY.

YOU WANT TO PLAY
ROUGH, HUH?

OH, I DO!

SHUT UP, HORNY MAN.

YOU'RE LIKE A LITTLE DOG,
ALWAYS ON MY LEG LIKE THIS.

GO MAKE SOME DUMPLINGS
OR SOMETHING.

I GOT TO THINK
OF A NEW PLAN.

WELCOME TO JAY'S
SOUL KITCHEN.

BUSINESS IS GOOD,
MR. KYLE,

AND NO ONE'S EATING
ACROSS THE STREET.

YEP, ALL OF OUR
CUSTOMERS ARE BACK.

OF COURSE THEY ARE.

NOW THAT WE'VE SHOWN OUR
SUPERIOR STRATEGIC STRENGTH

BY GIVING THEM THE FINGER,
WE WILL GROW STRONGER

AS THE HOUSE OF HOO
WITHERS ON THE VINE.

BUT...

HUSH!

YEAH!

NOW I'M DONE.

BUT YOU'VE FORGOTTEN
ONE THING, DAD.

ANNIE HOO WON'T
TAKE THIS LYING DOWN.

Junior:
YEAH, DON'T LOOK NOW,

BUT THE EMPIRE
STRIKES BACK.

[ GASPS ]

WHAT?

OH, DAMN THAT HOO.

WHAT NOW,
MASTER STRATEGIST?

WELL, WE'RE GONNA
HAVE TO SPEAK TO THEM

IN A LANGUAGE THAT
THEY'LL UNDERSTAND.

CHINESE?

NO, SIGN LANGUAGE.

THEY CAN'T MAKE ANY MONEY
AT 99 CENTS.

THEY'RE NOT TRYING
TO MAKE MONEY.

THEY'RE TRYING TO PUT US
OUT OF BUSINESS.

THEY'VE GOT A LINE
AROUND THE BLOCK,

AND WE'VE GOT NOBODY.

I WAS HOPING IT WOULDN'T
COME TO THIS,

BUT IT'S COME TO THIS.

NO, MICHAEL...

I HAVE TO. I HAVE
NO CHOICE, DAMN IT!

YOU MEAN YOU'RE GONNA...

YES!

I GOTTA BRING OUT
THE BIG GUMS.

BOY, I HAVE WORKED UP
AN APPETITE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

WHAT ELSE YOU GOT?

PLEASE, SIR,
STOP EATING.

WE'RE ALMOST OUT OF FOOD.

ALMOST, HUH?

THAT MEANS YOU'RE
HOLDING BACK.

WHATEVER ELSE
YOU GOT BACK THERE,

BRING IT ON.

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S WORKING, DAD!

I KNEW CALVIN WAS THE MAN
FOR THE JOB.

THERE'S NOT A CRUMB LEFT
OVER THERE.

AT THIS RATE, I PREDICT
THE ULTIMATE DEMISE

OF THE HOUSE OF HOO
WILL BE IN ONE WEEK.

YEAH!

MICHAEL, I DID NOT OPEN
A RESTAURANT

TO CLOSE ANOTHER ONE DOWN.

HEY, NEITHER DID I,
BUT SHE STARTED IT.

THIS WASN'T MY VISION.

GO OVER THERE
AND PUT AN END TO THIS.

BUT THIS IS WAR!

NO, THIS ISN'T WAR!

YES, IT IS!

PLEASE?

NO, THIS IS A BUSINESS.

I DON'T WANT EITHER ONE
OF OUR RESTAURANTS

TO CLOSE DOWN, MICHAEL.

THERE'S GOT TO BE A WAY
FOR US TO CO-EXIST.

NOW, LOOK, THE SMART MAN
THAT I KNOW AND LOVE

WHO HELPED ME REALIZE
MY DREAM

EVEN THOUGH HE DIDN'T
BELIEVE IN IT

IS SMART ENOUGH TO FIND IT.

GO!

YES, MA'AM.

[ BURPS ]
OOH!

[ LAUGHS ]

I THINK I'M READY
FOR DESSERT.

NO, YOU GOT TO GO.

THERE'S NOTHING LEFT.
NO MORE FOOD.

THE SIGN SAYS
"ALL YOU CAN EAT,"

AND THAT'S NOT
ALL I CAN EAT.

I THINK YOU BETTER
GO SHOPPING.

HEY, CALVIN,
HOW'S IT GOING?

I'M HUNGRY!
THAT'S HOW IT'S GOING.

I SHOULD'VE KNOWN
YOU WERE BEHIND THIS.

YOU SENT IN
AN EATING MACHINE.

HE'S NOT HUMAN.

DO YOU WANT TO CALL
A TRUCE,

OR SHOULD I MAKE
A RESERVATION FOR THE WEEK?

NO, NO, YOU WIN.

YOU MAKE THE SOUL FOOD.

WE'LL MAKE
THE CHINESE FOOD.

NO MORE ALL YOU CAN EAT?

NO MORE.

BUT DON'T COME LOOKING
IN HERE FOR FINGERS,

AND KEEP HIM OUT.

DEAL.

DEAL.

YOU'RE A SCARY MAN.

WHERE'S
MY FORTUNE COOKIE?

[ SIGHS ]
HERE, TAKE IT.

OOH, "GO TO JAY'S SOUL FOOD
ACROSS THE STREET."

[ CHUCKLES ]
HOPE THEY GOT RIBS.

I WROTE THAT BEFORE
WE MADE OUR DEAL.

SO, WE AGREE WE'RE GONNA
PEACEFULLY CO-EXIST TOGETHER?

YES, WE CAN BE KIND
AND LOVING NEIGHBORS.

THERE'S PLENTY OF ROOM
FOR EVERYBODY.

BAD NEWS!

AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT
OPENED DOWN THE STREET.

YOU GO GET YOUR SCARY MAN,
EMPTY HIM OUT,

AND BRING HIM BACK
AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

I CAN FIND SOME MORE FINGERS
AND A BABY TOE.

GOOD IDEA!

THIS IS THE START OF
A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP.

THAT'S RIGHT.

YES.

HEAR YE, HEAR YE,
GOT GREAT NEWS.

WE'RE GONNA NAME IT...
[ LAUGHS ]

[ SHOUTS ]

YES, YES.

HEAR YE, HEAR YE,
WE HAVE GREAT NEWS.

WE'RE GONNA CALL IT...
[ LAUGHS ]

YEP, OUR CUSTOMERS
ARE BACK.

OF COURSE THEY ARE

NOW THAT WE'VE SHOWN OUR
SUPERIOR STRATEGIC STRENGTH

BY GIVING THEM
THE FINGER.

WE WILL GROW STRONGER

WHILE THE HOUSE OF HOO
WITHERS UNDER THE VINE.

Man: ON THE VINE.

ON, UNDER... WHAT?

[ LAUGHS ]