My Wife and Kids (2001–2005): Season 5, Episode 3 - Childcare Class - full transcript

[ BABY CRYING ]

PLEASE, MAKE HIM STOP!

I'M TRYING!
NOTHING'S WORKING.

OKAY, GO THROUGH YOUR
CHECKLIST... DIAPER? EMPTY.

STOMACH?
FULL.

NAP TIME?
HAD IT.

MAYBE HE JUST REALIZED
WHO HIS DADDY IS.

HEY!

THAT'S VERY FUNNY.
COME ON, ROOKIE.

HAND OVER THE KID.

LET ME SHOW YOU
HOW IT'S DONE.



HERE YOU GO.
GOOD LUCK.

♪ ROCKABYE, BABY,
ON THE TREE TOP ♪

♪ WHEN THE WIND BLOWS,
THE CRADLE WILL ROCK ♪

[ Loudly ] ♪ WHEN THE BOUGH
BREAKS, THE CRA... ♪

OKAY.

WOW, THAT IS
ONE CRYING BABY!

CAN YOU MAKE HIM STOP?

OF COURSE I CAN,
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

CRYING IS ACTUALLY GOOD
FOR THE BABY'S LUNGS.

SEE, THAT'S HOW PATTI LaBELLE
GOT HER START.

WAAAA, WAAAAA,
WAA, WAA, WAA,

WAA, WAAA,
WAAA, WAAA...

WAA, WAA.

BUT HE'S BEEN CRYING
SO LONG, MR. KYLE.



WE CAN'T FIGURE
HOW TO MAKE HIM STOP.

THAT'S BECAUSE
YOU ARE ALL INEPT.

NOW, IF YOU ADMIT
THAT YOU CANNOT EXIST

WITHOUT MY WISDOM
AND GUIDANCE,

I SHALL BE HAPPY TO QUIET
THE CRYING CHILD.

MICHAEL!

OKAY, LET ME HAVE HIM.

OKAY, COME HERE.

NOW, YOU ALL WAIT HERE,
AND I'LL GO WORK MY MAGIC.

COME, CHILD,
I SHALL BRING YOU PEACE.

DID YOU EVER GET CURIOUS
AS TO WHAT HE'S DOING?

IT DIDN'T MATTER TO ME AS LONG
AS HE GOT THESE KIDS TO SHUT UP.

[ CRYING STOPS ]

WOW!
THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE!

BEHOLD, THE HAPPY BABY.

NOW, ARE THERE
ANY OTHER MIRACLES

YOU GUYS WOULD HAVE ME
PERFORM?

HOW DID YOU DO IT? YEAH,
DAD, WHAT'S THE SECRET?

THE MASTER CANNOT DIVULGE
ANCIENT SECRETS

TO MERE COMMONERS
OF THE VILLAGE.

THE INFORMATION
IS WAY TOO POWERFUL.

IT MIGHT CRUSH
THY TINY LITTLE MIND.

OH, COME ON, DAD.
JUST TELL US.

SILENCE! ANY MORE
INSOLENCE FROM YOU,

AND I SHALL BE FORCED TO PLUCK
A FAIR MAIDEN FROM YOUR VILLAGE

AND HAVE MY WAY WITH HER.

BUT, MR. KYLE...

THAT'S IT.
COME, VIRGIN MOTHER OF THREE.

YOU MUST PAY FOR THE IGNORANCE
OF THY CHILDREN.

BUT I SAIDETH NOTHING,
DEAR SIR.

YOU WILL SCREAM AND YELL
AND BEG FOR MERCY!

WHOO!

FOR ABOUT THREE MINUTES.

WE SHALL RETURN.
[ CHUCKLES ]

COME.

[ PIANO MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ APPLAUSE ]
WOW, THAT WAS GREAT!

YOU ACTUALLY PLAYED THREE NOTES
THIS TIME, KADY!

I KNOW. SHE'S IMPROVING
AT AN ASTOUNDING RATE.

WILL I EVER BE AS GOOD
AS YOU ARE, FRANKLIN?

YES, YOU COULD BE, BUT TWO
THINGS WOULD HAVE TO HAPPEN...

NUMBER ONE, YOU'D HAVE
TO PRACTICE REALLY HARD,

AND NUMBER TWO, THEY'D HAVE
TO FIND A CURE FOR DEATH,

WHICH, INCIDENTALLY,
I'M WORKING ON AS WE SPEAK.

REALLY?
HAVE YOU MADE ANY PROGRESS?

YES, ACTUALLY.
I HAVE A 4-YEAR-OLD FRUIT FLY.

[ LAUGHS ]

AS IF A FRUIT FLY
COULD LIVE FOR FOUR YEARS!

[ LAUGHING CONTINUES ]

THAT WOULD BE PREPOSTEROUS!

IS THERE AN ENTOMOLOGIST
IN THE HOUSE?

COME ON, Y'ALL,
HELP A BROTHER OUT.

ANYHOO...

I THINK IT'S TIME
FOR ME TO GO NOW.

I'LL GO WITH YOU.
BYE.

BYE.

LOOK, MOM, DAD, DON'T FORGET
ABOUT SATURDAY.

WE WON'T.
GOOD.

WHAT'S SATURDAY?
I DON'T KNOW.

JUNIOR!
WHAT'S SATURDAY?

OH, THAT'S THE DAY OF
GRANDPARENTS' CHILD-CARE CLASS.

ME AND VANESSA DON'T HAVE TO GO,
BUT YOU GUYS DO.

WHY DO WE HAVE TO GO?
WE RAISED THREE CHILDREN.

SO, WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, IF
MICHAEL KYLE III ENDS UP

LIKE MICHAEL KYLE JR., YOU'RE
GOING TO BE FINE WITH THAT?

WE'LL BE THERE EARLY.

I THINK YOU'LL LIKE IT.
IT'S NEW-SCHOOL THINKING.

MRS. LANE IS UP ON ALL THE
LATEST PSYCHOLOGICAL THEORIES.

IT'S REALLY
QUITE INTERESTING.

LOOK, I DON'T NEED NO
FANCY-SCHMANCY THEORIES

ON HOW TO RAISE CHILDREN.

MR. KYLE, THERE'S A LOT OF
NEW INFORMATION

IN THE WORLD
OF CHILD-REARING.

AHHHHHHHHH, PHOOEY!

THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY
TO RAISE A CHILD,

AND THAT'S WITH SPANKINGS.

THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT
"REARING."

[ Chuckling ] GET IT?
"REARING"?

[ LAUGHS ]

AS IF THE REAR END
OF A CHILD...

ARE THERE ANY ENTOMOLOGISTS
IN THE HOUSE?

COME ON, Y'ALL,
HELP A BROTHER OUT.

LOOK, YOU CAN'T SPANK A CHILD
FOR EVERYTHING.

WHY NOT? MY FATHER SPANKED ME
FOR EVERYTHING.

MY FATHER WOULD SPANK ME

FOR ANSWERING QUESTIONS
THAT HE ASKED ME.

WHAT?
THAT'S CRAZY.

BUT THAT WAS MY FATHER.

OKAY, WELL,
YOU KNOW WHAT?

"HOW YOU DOIN', SON?"
"I'M GOOD."

"DON'T SAY 'GOOD'
ANYMORE!"

"GO TO YOUR ROOM."
"OKAY."

"DON'T SAY 'OKAY.'"

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK IT'S A GREAT IDEA,
VANESSA.

NOW, ARE YOUR PARENTS
GOING?

THEY'RE BOTH EXCITED
ABOUT IT.

YEAH, WELL,
I'M NOT GOING.

I DON'T NEED TO GO BECAUSE ALL
OF MY CHILDREN TURNED OUT FINE.

[ Chuckling ] WHOA,
THAT GRAVITY'S CRAZY, Y'ALL.

WHOO!

TWO OUT OF THREE.

HEY, MOM, HAVE YOU SEEN MY...
OOH!

[ Panting ] WHOA, THAT
GRAVITY'S CRAZY, Y'ALL.

WHAT TIME'S THAT CLASS?

UH-HUH.

OH, THESE PEOPLE
ARE OLD IN HERE.

OH, COME ON, MICHAEL,
THEY'RE NOT THAT OLD.

AAAAHH! AHH!

CLEAR!

AHH!

I'M GOOD, I'M GOOD,
I'M GOOD.

HE'S GOOD, HE'S GOOD,
HE'S GOOD.

[ Singsong voice ]
WELCOME, GRANDPARENTS.

[ CHUCKLES ]

THE PURPOSE OF THIS CLASS
IS TO FAMILIARIZE YOU

WITH THE LATEST
CHILD-CARE METHODS,

AND WHEN YOU'RE DONE, YOU WILL
RECEIVE THIS CERTIFICATE

MAKING YOU
A CERTIFIED GRANDPARENT.

OKAY, NOW, THE ROLE
OF THE GRANDPARENT

HAS CHANGED SIGNIFICANTLY
IN THE LAST FEW YEARS.

FOR INSTANCE,
IT IS NO LONGER BELIEVED

THAT CORPORAL PUNISHMENT
IS AN EFFECTIVE WAY

OF DISCIPLINING THE CHILD.

HA!

OH, YOU HAVE A DIFFERENT VIEW,
MR. KYLE?

YEAH, WELL,
I'M A LITTLE OLD-FASHIONED.

I STILL BELIEVE THAT YOU SPARE
THE ROD, YOU SPOIL THE CHILD.

THAT'S RIGHT THERE
IN THE BIBLE.

WELL, A LOT HAS CHANGED SINCE
BIBLICAL TIMES, MR. KYLE.

WE HAVE AUTOMOBILES
INSTEAD OF OXEN. [ LAUGHS ]

YEAH, BUT WE STILL HAVE
THE SAME AMOUNT OF ASSES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND NOW WE COME TO
THE CRYING BABY.

BOO-HOO, WHAT YOU GONNA DO?
[ LAUGHS ]

WELL, THE CURRENT,
MODERN-DAY THINKING

INCLUDES A VARIED METHODOLOGY,
INCLUDING THE FOUR "S's"...

THERE'S SWADDLING...

HA!

...SIDE-STOMACH POSITION...

HA!

...SWINGING...

HA!

...AND SHUSHING!

HA.

[ SIGHS ]

MRS. LANE, LISTEN...

NOW WHAT,
MR. KYLE, NOW WHAT?

I HAPPEN TO HAVE
THE ONLY FOOLPROOF METHOD

OF STOPPING A CRYING BABY.

HE ACTUALLY REALLY DOES.

THEN WHY DON'T YOU SHARE IT
WITH THE REST OF THE CLASS?

NO CAN DO.

IT'S AN
ANCIENT FAMILY SECRET,

AND I'D HAVE TO
KILL YOU FIRST.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WELL, THEN, WHY DON'T
I JUST CONTINUE

WITH THE NEWER,
PROVEN TECHNIQUES,

SUCH AS AROMATHERAPY?

[ INHALES DEEPLY,
EXHALES DEEPLY ]

YEAH, YEAH.

NATURAL-LIGHT IMMERSION.
AH, AH, AH.

AND THE MILKING BRASSIERE.

THE MILKING BRASSIERE?

WHAT KIND OF...
...FOOLISHNESS?

MR. KYLE,
DO YOU MIND COMING UP

AND DEMONSTRATING IT
FOR THE CLASS?

I UTTERLY DO MIND.
[udderly]

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHAT KIND OF BOOB
DO YOU THINK I AM?

THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

[ CHUCKLES ]
I KIND OF LIKE IT.

THEY FEEL FUNNY.

[ LAUGHS ]

WHOO! HEY!
[ LAUGHS ]

GOT HIM IN THE EYE!

WATCH WHERE YOU'RE SQUIRTING
THAT THING, HUH!

HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?

STOP IT, GENTLEMEN!
GENTLEMEN, STOP IT!

THE BREAST IS NOT A TOY!
THE BREAST IS NOT A TOY!

AAAH!

STOP IT!
STOP IT, BOTH OF YOU!

AAAAAHH!

GOT MILK, BABY!

AND NOW, IT'S TIME
FOR GRANDPA DIAPERING.

ME FIRST!

OH, NO, NO, DEAR.
NOT YOU.

I JUST CHANGED YOU
BEFORE WE LEFT THE HOUSE.

OH, I'M GOOD,
I'M GOOD.

HE'S GOOD, HE'S GOOD.
THANK GOD, HE'S GOOD.

WOW, THESE DIAPERS
ARE KIND OF FULL.

HMM.

THAT'S CHOCOLATE PUDDING.

WELL, LUCKY FOR YOU,
THAT'S RIGHT.

NOW, I WANT YOU TO REMOVE
THE DIRTY DIAPER,

CLEAN THE BABY,
AND PUT A FRESH DIAPER ON.

I'VE BEEN CHANGING DIAPERS
FOR YEARS.

I'M GOING TO BE
GOOD AT THIS.

I'M GOING TO WIN.

THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE
GOING TO BEAT ME.

I BET YOU I DO.
I BET YOU WON'T.

OH, GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN,
LISTEN TO ME.

OH, STOP IT NOW.
THIS IS NOT A COMPETITION.

AND GO!

OKAY.

YEAH, SEE?
GOT THAT OFF RIGHT THERE.

NOW GET...

GIVE ME THE POWDER!
GIVE ME THE POWDER!

NO, NO, YOU WON'T.
NO, YOU WON'T!

TEACH, HE'S CHEATING!
HE'S CHEATING!

HELP, HELP!

HEY, HEY!

I WIN! I WIN!

I THOUGHT THIS
WASN'T A CONTEST.

I LIED.
HERE'S A TROPHY.

WHOO!

YES, INDEEDY, HE'S A BETTER
GRANDPAPA THAN YOU.

HOW CAN HE WIN?

HE SPIKED THE BABY, AND HE
LICKED ALL THE PUDDING OFF!

WELL, WE LIKE TO
ENCOURAGE ENTHUSIASM.

HE'S DONE A WONDERFUL JOB.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
ISN'T THIS RIDICULOUS?

YOU'VE BEEN SAYING THIS
ALL AFTERNOON, MR. KYLE.

THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S BEEN TRUE
ALL AFTERNOON.

MICHAEL, WILL YOU STOP IT?
YOU ARE EMBARRASSING ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M AFRAID TO SAY THIS.

I HAVE TO SAY THIS.

YOU ARE THE FIRST PERSON EVER
TO FAIL THIS CLASS.

YOU WILL NOT, SIR,
BE RECEIVING A CERTIFICATE.

SO WHAT? I DON'T CARE ABOUT
YOUR STUPID CERTIFICATE.

I WON THIS BEST GRANDFATHER
TROPHY!

I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT,
EITHER. YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU COULDN'T PAY ME TO TAKE
A STUPID CERTIFICATE

OR ONE OF THOSE...

THAT IS A NICE TROPHY,
BUT STILL,

YOU COULDN'T PAY ME
TO TAKE ONE.

FINE.

NO, FINE, FINE.

MICHAEL, THE KIDS ARE NOT GONNA
BE HAPPY ABOUT THIS.

OH, IT'S JUST
A PIECE OF PAPER, JAY.

NOBODY'S GONNA
CARE ABOUT THAT.

HEY, WHERE ARE YOU
TWO HEADED?

OH, WE'RE GOING TO
THE MOVIES.

WITH THE BABY?
WHAT IF HE STARTS CRYING?

ACTUALLY, WE'RE GONNA DROP HIM
OFF AT MY PARENTS' HOUSE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRIVE
ALL THE WAY OVER THERE.

JUST LEAVE HIM HERE WITH
ME. I'LL WATCH HIM. MNH-MNH.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
MNH-MNH.

WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME
THE BABY?

YOU'RE MAKING
THE BABY DIZZY.

NO, WE CAN'T DO THAT.

WHY NOT?

WELL, BECAUSE MOM IS AT CLASS,
AND THAT JUST LEAVES YOU HERE,

AND YOU'RE NOT...

I'M NOT WHAT?
WHAT'S ALL THAT?

MMM.

WHAT?

YOU'RE NOT CERTIFIED,
DAD.

MMM.

COME ON. HE TRIED TO PUT HIS
UNCERTIFIED HANDS ON YOU.

MMM.

MMM!

HEY, EVERYBODY.

HELLO, MR. KYLE.
HI, DADDY.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

WE'RE GOING TO A PICNIC
AT THE PARK.

OOH, GOODY!
I LOVE PICNICS.

DID YOU PACK THOSE
LITTLE PICKLES I LIKE?

NO, I DIDN'T PACK THOSE.

WELL, WHAT'S A PICNIC WITHOUT
THE BABY GHERKINS?

THOSE LITTLE...

UM... I DIDN'T PACK THEM,
MICHAEL, 'CAUSE YOU'RE...

YOU CAN'T COME.

NO, YEAH, NO, YOU CAN'T...
MNH-MNH, YOU CAN'T COME.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN
I CAN'T COME?

NO, BABY, THIS IS A PICNIC

FOR THE GRADUATES OF
THE CHILD-CARE CENTER,

AND YOU'RE, YOU KNOW,
YOU DIDN'T GRADUATE, SO...

OH, PLEASE!

COME ON, KADY, HELP MOMMY
PACK THE CAR.

[ Singsong voice ]
WE'RE GOING ON A PICNIC.

COME ON, FRANKLIN,
HELP US.

I WOULD, BUT I CAN'T RISK
INJURING MY HANDS.

YOU UNDERSTAND, DON'T YOU?

OF COURSE I UNDERSTAND.

I KNOW HOW VALUABLE
YOUR HANDS ARE.

OW!

SHE'S SO CLEVER!

YOU'RE SO WHIPPED.
[ CHUCKLES ]

LOOK, I DON'T BELIEVE THIS,
FRANKLIN.

THIS WAS JUST
A 3-HOUR CLASS.

A 3-HOUR CLASS CAN'T MAKE YOU
A GRADUATE OF ANYTHING.

I BEG TO DIFFER
WITH YOU, MR. KYLE.

I RECEIVED MY DOCTORATE
IN ASTROPHYSICS

IN 2 HOURS
AND 11 SECONDS,

AND I LEFT WATCHING
THOSE MORONS FROM YALE

SQUIRM IN THEIR SEATS.

MAN, THAT WAS A GOOD DAY.

WELL, FRANKLIN, THIS WASN'T
ANYTHING LIKE THIS.

THIS WAS SOME CRAZY KOOK
TRYING TO CHANGE

GOOD, OLD-FASHIONED
CHILD-REARING

WITH SOME
NEWFANGLED NONSENSE.

LIKE WHAT?

SOME JUNK CALLED LIGHT-IMMERSION
THERAPY, FOR ONE.

AH, YES.
I REMEMBER THOSE DAYS WELL.

[ Sighing ] IT SEEMS LIKE
IT WAS JUST YESTERDAY

THAT I LAY NUDE
IN MY INCUBATION CHAMBER,

FRESHLY CIRCUMCISED,

WHILE BEING BATHED IN THE VARIED
LIGHTS OF THE COLOR SPECTRUM.

IT WAS DELICIOUS.

SOUNDS VERY WEIRD TO ME.

WELL, THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU'RE
STUCK IN THE PAST, MR. KYLE.

LOOK, SPANKINGS GO BACK
TO BIBLICAL TIMES.

HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED THAT
YOUR ANTIQUATED VIEWS

REGARDING CHILD-REARING
ARE TOUCHED TO INTREPIDATION

WHEN VENTURING
INTO THE UNKNOWN?

IT IS EASIER TO HOLD ON
TO THE FAMILIAR

RATHER THAN
EMBRACE THE VULNERABILITY

THAT ONE EXPERIENCES WHEN
LAUNCHING TOWARDS SOMETHING NEW.

AH, PHOOEY.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU JUST SAID,

BUT I'M SURE
IT DESERVES A SPANKING.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
SPANKING'S COUNTERPRODUCTIVE.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT IT?

WELL, I KNOW I'VE GOT
MY CERTIFICATE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

AND I THINK UNTIL YOU
GET YOUR CERTIFICATE,

YOU BEST STAY AWAY
FROM MY GRANDCHILD.

I WOULDN'T WANT ANY ACCIDENTS
TO HAPPEN.

WHAT, TO THE BABY?

NO, TO YOU...
IF YOU HURT THAT BABY.

I'M NOT GOING TO
HURT THE BABY.

NO, BUT...

YOU BABY-SCHOOL DROPOUT.

HMPH.

BABY, DID A GOOD JOB,
DIDN'T YOU?

DIDN'T YOU?
I DID A LITTLE GOOD JOB, TOO.

I GET A LITTLE SNACK.
[ LAUGHS ]

MMM, THAT'S DELICIOUS.
ONE FOR YOU, AND ONE FOR ME.

[ Chuckling ]
THAT IS SO GOOD. MMM.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA HAVE NONE
TO PUT IN YOUR DIAPER SOON.

I'M GOING TO EAT
THIS WHOLE THING.

TASTES GOOD GOING DOWN.

HI, MRS. LANE.

OH, HELLO, MR. KYLE.
[ LAUGHS ]

COME ON IN.
HOW ARE YOU?

I'M DOING GREAT.

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

WELL, BEFORE I GET DOWN TO
BUSINESS, I JUST WANT TO KNOW,

HAS ANYONE TOLD YOU WHAT
A BEAUTIFUL, SEXY,

DAMN-NEAR PERFECT...

[ CHUCKLES ]

...SCULPTURED WOMAN
THAT YOU ARE?

OH, REALLY?

IT'S AS IF YOU WERE IN
THE LIGHT-IMMERSION THERAPY

ALL DAY LONG.

WHOO.
YOU JUST GLOW.

OKAY, WHAT THE HELL
DO YOU WANT?

OH.

WELL, I WAS JUST KIND OF
IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD, YOU KNOW?

AND I WAS JUST KIND OF WONDERING
IF MAYBE YOU COULD...

MAYBE YOU COULD
JUST TOSS ME

ONE OF THEM LITTLE CERTIFICATES
THAT YOU GOT AROUND HERE.

I CAN'T TOSS YOU
ONE OF THOSE CERTIFICATES

UNLESS YOU RETAKE THE CLASS
AND PASS.

OKAY, FINE, WHEN'S THE
NEXT CLASS? NEXT MONTH.

I CAN'T BE WITHOUT MY GRANDCHILD
FOR A WHOLE MONTH.

NOBODY WILL LET ME NEAR THE BABY
UNLESS I HAVE A CERTIFICATE.

THEY SHOULDN'T.
YOU'RE NOT CERTIFIED.

MMM.

LOOK, CAN'T WE REACH
SOME SORT OF COMPROMISE?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THAT WOULD BE.

I DON'T KNOW.

SUPPOSE I WAS TO
PICK UP THE BABY

AND JUST SHAKE HIM
A LITTLE AND...

WHOA, LOOK AT THAT...

$100 BILL FELL RIGHT OUT
OF HIS DIAPER.

MR. KYLE, ARE YOU TRYING
TO BRIBE ME?

WELL, I'M NOT TRYING TO BRIBE
YOU, BUT LET ME ASK THE BABY.

LET ME SHAKE HIM AND SEE...
WHOA!

LOOK AT THAT!
HERE, THE BABY JUST GOT ASSETS.

IT'S JUST SOME BOOTY TREASURE...
FULL OF BOOTY TREASURE.

LET ME
TELL YOU SOMETHING...

IT WOULD BE IRRESPONSIBLE OF ME
TO TAKE THAT MONEY

TO SAY THAT YOU PASSED A COURSE
THAT YOU DIDN'T.

LOOK, I'M SORRY
ABOUT THE CLASS, ALL RIGHT?

BUT I JUST DON'T NEED ANYONE TO
TELL ME HOW TO RAISE CHILDREN.

I RAISED THREE OF MY OWN,
AND THEY TURNED OUT FINE.

I HAVE TWO WORDS FOR YOU...
JUN..IOR.

JUNIOR, TOKAY, OKAY.ATHERAPY
HERE YOU GO, BOY.

SMELL THE SWEET AROMA
OF MIDNIGHT DEW.

WHAT'S NEXT ON THE LIST?
LIGHT IMMERSION.

OKAY, LET'S TRY THAT.

LICENSE AND REGISTRATION,
PLEASE.

BOY, GET THE LIGHT OUT
THE BABY'S FACE!

AND WHERE WERE YOU ON THE NIGHT
TUPAC WAS SHOT, HMM?

IF YOU DON'T GET THAT LIGHT
OUT OF MY FACE,

I'M GOING TO KICK YOU.

YOU KNOW, THE SOOTHING SOUNDS
OF MOZART

HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO CALM
THE SAVAGE BEAST.

MAYBE IT CAN HELP HERE.

OH, GIVE IT A TRY,
FRANKLIN.

NOTHING ELSE
SEEMS TO WORK.

[ MOZART'S PIANO SONATA
IN "A" PLAYS ]

HE DOESN'T
SEEM TO LIKE IT.

EVERYONE'S A CRITIC!

OKAY, GUYS,
WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

WE HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING,

AND NOTHING WILL STOP
THE BABY FROM CRYING.

OH, I HAVE AN IDEA.

WHY DON'T WE TRY
TO OUT-NOISE THE BABY?

OKAY.
OKAY. OKAY.

COME ON, EVERYBODY.

[ ALL SCREAMING ]

HEY, BOY, SHUT UP!

WELL, WELL, WELL,
WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?

DO THE TRICK!
DO THE TRICK!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS
ARE TALKING ABOUT.

MICHAEL, THE BABY HAS BEEN
CRYING FOR TWO WHOLE HOURS NOW.

YOU GOT TO TURN HIM OFF,
PLEASE!

DAD, LOOK, WE'VE TRIED
EVERYTHING ON THE LIST.

HELP US, MR. KYLE,
HELP US.

PLEASE MAKE HIM
STOP, DADDY!

WELL, I WOULD LOVE TO HELP
YOU GUYS OUT, BUT... I CAN'T.

WHY NOT?

I'M NOT CERTIFIED.

MMM.

COME ON, MICHAEL,
STOP PLAYING.

WE CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

LOOK, HAVE YOU TRIED
SHOWING HIM YOUR CERTIFICATE?

MAYBE THE BABY DOESN'T KNOW
THAT ALL THESE THINGS

THAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING
HAVE BEEN TRIED BY EXPERTS.

OKAY, STOP.
WE GET IT.

YOU PROVED YOUR POINT.
YOU'RE RIGHT. WE'RE WRONG.

WELL, I HAVEN'T HEARD AN APOLOGY
YET, SO I'LL JUST BE UPSTAIRS...

WE'RE SORRY!
WE'RE SORRY!

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

AN APOLOGY
IS REALLY NOT AN APOLOGY

UNTIL SOMEONE
IS DOWN ON THEIR KNEES.

I'M NOT DOING ALL THAT.
I'M TOO OLD FOR ALL THAT, OKAY?

OKAY, I'LL JUST GO UPSTAIRS.

I'M ON MY KNEES!
SORRY, SORRY!

OKAY.

YOU GUYS GO OUT OF HERE
SO I CAN DO MY MAGIC IN PRIVACY.

COME ON, STOP CRYING.

I KNOW HE'S MAD.

I KNOW WHY.

HERE, NOW, WE'VE BEEN
THROUGH THIS BEFORE.

YOU LAY DOWN HERE.

I'LL TAKE YOUR LEGS AND PUT THEM
TO YOUR STOMACH, AND LET'S SEE.

[ FARTS ]
YEAH!

LOOK AT THE SMILE!

HE'S SMILING!

OKAY, NOW, LET'S PLAY
A LITTLE TUNE.

THERE MUST BE MORE.

[ FARTING ]

OH, EASY, GRANDSON, EASY.

OH, HE'S LATCHING ON
SO WELL.

I FEEL SUCH A CONNECTION.

OOH, OOH, OOH!
DON'T BITE, DON'T BITE!

YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA SAY
SOMETHING THAT YOU PROBABLY

WILL NEVER HEAR ME SAY AGAIN...
I WAS WRONG.

[ CHUCKLES ]

VERY FUNNY.

WHAT WERE YOU WRONG ABOUT?

WELL, MRS. LANE...

EVERYTHING SHE SAID
WASN'T COMPLETE CRAP.

I MEAN, THIS MAN-BRA THING
IS PRETTY COOL.

WOW, I AM SO GLAD TO SEE

YOU'VE COME OUT OF
THE DARK AGES THERE, GRANDPA.

I'M SORRY I EVER DOUBTED YOU,
MR. KYLE.

YEAH, DAD.

CERTIFICATE OR NOT, I ALWAYS
KNEW YOU'D BE A GREAT GRANDDAD.

I MEAN, WHY NOT?
YOU'VE BEEN SUCH A GREAT DAD.

OH, THAT IS SO SWEET.

COME HERE.
GIVE YOUR DAD A HUG.

I LOVE YOU, DAD.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.

WHOA, WHOA.
SLOW DOWN, BOY, SLOW DOWN.

YEAH, YEAH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I CAN'T DO IT.

YEAH, RIGHT THERE.

OOH, SLOW DOWN, BOY,
SLOW DOWN.

OW, OH, SLOW DOWN, BOY,
SLOW DOWN.

OH, HE REALLY LOVES
HIS GRANDPA'S BOOBY.

[ Chuckling ] LISTEN, I'M GONNA
SAY SOMETHING THAT YOU...

[ LAUGHTER ]