My Wife and Kids (2001–2005): Season 5, Episode 25 - RV Dreams - full transcript
Michael, who is determined to make record time driving from Connecticut to the Grand Canyon in a luxurious R.V., convinces his reluctant family to make the road trip so they can spend quality time together. Along the way, Michael ...
HEY.
HEY. DID YOU GET
THE TICKETS?
HA HA. WELL...
OH! THIS IS GREAT!
I ALWAYS WANTED
TO SEE THE GRAND CANYON.
OH, AND YOU'RE GOING TO SEE
IT, AND IT'S GOING TO BE GRAND.
OH, MICHAEL, SO WHEN
DOES OUR FLIGHT LEAVE?
"WHAT TIME DOES THE
FLIGHT LEAVE?" SHE SAYS.
"WHAT TIME DOES
THE FLIGHT LEAVE?"
WHEN DO YOU WANT TO LEAVE?
[ Gasps ] MICHAEL, YOU DID
NOT RENT US A PRIVATE JET.
OF COURSE I
DIDN'T.
BUT I RENTED US
SOMETHING
THAT IS 6,000 TIMES
BETTER THAN A PRIVATE JET.
REALLY? WHAT IS THAT?
BABY, FEAST YOUR
EYES
ON THAT.
WHAT'S THIS?
THAT'S THE WANDERVAN
6000.
A STUPID R.V.?
HEY, DON'T YOU
DISRESPECT THE WANDERVAN.
SHE DIDN'T MEAN
IT. SHE'S IGNORANT.
SHE DOESN'T KNOW YOUR
BEAUTY AND EXQUISITENESS.
ALL RIGHT,
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I AM REALLY SORRY.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO DISRESPECT
HER. CAN I SEE THE BROCHURE?
YES, YOU
CAN.
I'M NOT IGN'ANT.
OW.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
LOOK, I'M SORRY. IT'S
JUST THAT THIS WANDERVAN
IS AN EXQUISITE
PIECE OF MACHINERY.
THIS THING IS A ROLLING MANSION.
IT'S NOT AN
R.V.
THIS IS AN
R.M.
NO, YOU'RE AN R.M.
WHAT'S
THAT?
A REAL MORON.
HEY, DON'T YOU DISRESPECT
ME WITH THEM WORDS.
OW. YOURS SOUNDS
BETTER.
MICHAEL... THERE IT IS.
STOP.
STOP.
MICHAEL, I AM NOT DRIVING
TO ARIZONA
IN THAT BIG, STUPID THING.
HEY, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO.
I WILL DO THE
DRIVING.
YOU JUST SIT BACK AND LUXURIATE.
LUXURIATE, HUH?
THAT'S RIGHT. THIS THING
HAS RECLINING BUCKET SEATS
WITH THE FINEST
CORINTHIAN LEATHER,
SOFTER THAN DENZEL
WASHINGTON'S HANDS.
NOW, YOU IMAGINE
YOUR BIG, PRETTY BOOTY
PROPPED UP IN DENZEL'S
HAND GOING CROSS-COUNTRY.
MM.
OOH, LOOK AT THAT
BUMP. OH, I GOTCHA.
STOP, DENZEL.
WATCH THAT TURN.
COME HERE, COME HERE.
GET OVER HERE. DENZEL, STOP.
MICHAEL'S RIGHT OVER THERE.
OKAY, SO WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY
ABOUT THIS IS
...
DENZEL, NO, BABY, STOP.
HA HA HA HA.
OW!
STOP!
OKAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS SOUNDS
REALLY, REALLY NICE, MICHAEL,
BUT WHY IN THE WORLD
WOULD YOU RENT AN R.V.?
OF ALL THINGS,
YOU KNOW DOGGONE WELL
THAT THE WORST TRIP I EVER
TOOK IN MY LIFE WAS IN AN R.V.
WHEN I WAS A KID. YOU KNOW
THAT. I TOLD YOU THE STORY.
I KNOW, BUT THINGS HAVE
CHANGED SINCE THEN.
EVERYTHING'S
DIFFERENT NOW.
THE ROADS ARE
PAVED.
WHATEVER.
THIS SOUNDS
LIKE A NIGHTMARE.
LOOK, I KNOW, AND THAT'S
WHY THIS IS THE PERFECT TRIP.
SEE, I WANT TO HELP YOU
CONFRONT YOUR CHILDHOOD TRAUMA
AND TURN THAT BAD
MEMORY
INTO A BEAUTIFUL
CROSS-COUNTRY EXPERIENCE.
YOU DO?
YEAH. PLUS, IF WE FLY,
WE'RE GOING TO MISS OUT
ON ALL THE HISTORICAL LANDMARKS
THAT THIS COUNTRY HAS TO OFFER.
THINK ABOUT THE
AMBER WAVES OF GRAIN,
THE PURPLE MOUNTAINS'
MAJESTY ABOVE THE FRUITED PLAIN.
♪ AMERICA ♪ I KNEW YOU
WERE GOING TO DO THAT. I KNEW.
♪ AMERICA ♪ I KNEW. I KNEW.
DON'T EVEN KNOW THE WORDS,
DO YOU?
♪ EE
NO, YOU DON'T.
♪ AH
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO, I'LL GO!
JUST STOP
SINGING!
I'M NOT HAPPY ABOUT
THIS, BUT I WILL GO.
JUST
PLEASE.
♪ FROM SEA
TO SHINING SEA ♪
MICHAEL!
SORRY.
IT'S NOT LEGAL NOT TO
FINISH THE SONG, BABY.
YEAH,
RIGHT.
I WANT TO SEE YOU TELL THE
KIDS. THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO SEE.
OH, THIS IS GOING TO BE GOOD.
THEY GOING TO BE SO
THRILLED WHEN THEY SEE
THE WANDERVAN 6000.
IS THIS SOME KIND OF
JOKE? ARE YOU GUYS HIGH?
YES, I'M HIGH
OFF THE FACT
THAT WE'RE GOING TO SEE THIS
GREAT COUNTRY OF OURS TOGETHER.
IT'S GOING TO BE
SO MUCH FUN.
HA!
FUN? IT SOUNDS
LIKE TORTURE.
TWO WEEKS WITH YOU
IN A SMALLER HOUSE?
I CAN BARELY TAKE
IT IN THIS HOUSE.
BESIDES, ISN'T
R.V.ing
SOMETHING OLD PEOPLE
DO BEFORE THEY DIE?
OOH, NO, SHE DIDN'T.
NO, SHE DIDN'T.
SO I GUESS YOU DON'T WANT
TO SEE ALL THE MALLS
BETWEEN HERE
AND THE GRAND CANYON.
MALLS?
YOU MEAN THERE ARE OTHER
MALLS BESIDES THE MALL?
SEE, THIS IS THE REASON
WHY WE'RE TAKING THIS TRIP...
SO WE CAN ANSWER
THOSE PROFOUND QUESTIONS.
OH. WELL, I'M
IN.
WELL, I HAVE AN ISSUE.
I CAN'T GO TWO WEEKS
WITHOUT ANOTHER KID TO TALK TO.
OKAY, IS THERE ROOM
IN THE R.V. FOR ONE MORE?
"IS THERE ROOM IN THE R.V.
FOR ONE MORE?" SHE SAYS.
"IS THERE ROOM
IN THE R.V. FOR ONE MORE?"
OKAY, JUST GO ASK FRANKLIN
IF HE CAN COME ALONG.
THAT WORKS FOR
ME.
COUNT US OUT.
COUNT YOU OUT?
THE PROBLEM, MR.
KYLE,
IS WE'RE STILL A
NEWLY MARRIED COUPLE,
AND WE NEED OUR
PRIVACY, CHI-CHI.
Jay: OH, GOD.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS GOING
TO DO IN PRIVATE
THAT YOU CAN'T DO
AROUND US?
AAH!
DON'T YOU EVER SAY THAT
TO ME AGAIN. I'M YOUR FATHER.
NOT TO YOU. TO HER.
AAH!
YOU DON'T EVEN SAY THINGS
LIKE THAT TO HER.
DAD, I DON'T THINK
YOU HEARING ME CORRECTLY.
OHH. YEAH,
THAT'S...
AAH! I TOLD YOU,
DON'T SAY IT, BOY.
NOW, LOOK, WE BOOKED THIS R.V.,
AND WE'RE ALL
GOING, AND THAT'S IT.
VANESSA, YOU ARE A KYLE NOW,
SO YOU DO WHATEVER STUPID
THING THE REST OF THIS FAMILY DOES.
STUPID. YEAH.
OKAY, MR. KYLE,
OKAY.
FINE. I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO
SEE THE GRAND CANYON, ANYWAY.
YOU KNOW,
I WONDER HOW HIGH IT IS.
AAH!
HA HA HA HA.
SO I GUESS WE'RE ALL SET.
JUST HAND ME THE KEYS
TO THAT BABY,
AND WE'LL
HIT THE ROAD, JACK.
I WILL, BUT INSURANCE LAWS
REQUIRE ME TO SHOW YOU
A LITTLE SAFETY VIDEO FIRST.
OH, NO,
THAT'S A GOOD THING.
WE WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING
WE NEED TO KNOW BEFORE WE LEAVE.
ALL RIGHT, HAVE A
SEAT,
AND I WILL BE BACK IN 3
HOURS AND 10 MINUTES.
WHAT?
[ GROANS ]
Man: THANK YOU FOR
CHOOSING THE WANDERVAN 6000,
THE MOST LUXURIOUS VEHICLE
ON THE ROAD.
GOD, HIS VOICE IS BORING
AND ANNOYING. SHH.
I HEARD THAT.
TO PULL DOWN THE
AWNING,
USE THE HOOK ROD
LOCATED IN COMPARTMENT "B"
ON THE LEFT SIDE OF
THE AWNING SAFETY LATCH
MARKED "AWNING HOOK
ROD COMPARTMENT."
NOW, REMEMBER TO
ALWAYS MAKE SURE
THE REGULATOR VENT
FACES DOWNWARD
TO MINIMIZE VENT
BLOCKAGE,
RESULTING IN THE CATASTROPHIC
EXPLOSION OF YOUR VEHICLE
AND THE DEATH OF
EVERYONE ON BOARD.
OKAY.
THREE HOURS GO
BY THAT FAST? WHOA.
ANY QUESTIONS?
NO, THIS IS
VERY INFORMATIVE.
I KNOW THAT THE GREEN
LEVEL DOES THE AWNING.
WELL, I GUESS YOU GUYS
ARE READY TO ROCK 'N' ROLL.
HA HA HA HA
HA.
HEY, WHAT'S THAT GUY? I'VE BEEN
WATCHING HIM FOR A WHILE NOW.
OH, YES.
CECILESE MUSTACHIOS,
YES.
HE'S THE GUY WHO HOLDS
THE WORLD RECORD...
FROM CONNECTICUT TO THE
GRAND CANYON IN 37 HOURS.
OH, THAT'S INSANE.
GOOD LUCK WITH
THE RECORD, MR. KYLE.
WHAT? WHAT IS
HE TALKING ABOUT?
NOTHING. NOTHING. COME
ON. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
YOU WANT TO PLAY
THE TAPE AGAIN? NO, NO.
NO.
OKAY, I'VE GOT EVERYTHING.
YOU SURE DO. NOW GO PUT IT BACK.
I TOLD YOU, WE'RE GOING
TO BUY STUFF ALONG THE WAY.
TAKE THOSE SUITCASES
BACK IN THE HOUSE
AND PACK A SMALLER BAG.
ALL RIGHT, KILLJOY.
SAY IT AGAIN, HEAR,
I'M GOING TO KILL JOY
AND KILL CLAIRE.
I DON'T WANT
TO GO ON THIS TRIP ANYWAY.
Franklin: MR. KYLE?
UH, YOU WILL ADDRESS
ME AS "CAPTAIN"
WHILE I'M MANNING THIS VESSEL.
OH, WHAT IS
THAT NONSENSE ABOUT?
WELL, I THOUGHT IT WOULD
BE GREAT FOR THE TRIP
IF WE ALL PRETENDED WE
WERE ON THE STARSHIP.
[ Snorting ] HA HA HA HA.
GREAT, MICHAEL, FINE. GREAT.
UM...
WHAT IS THAT?
IT'S THE SIGN.
READ IT.
WHAT DOES IT SAY?
"MADE IN TAIWAN."
NO, UP... UP THERE. "CAP'N"?
NO, STARFLEET
CAPTAIN.
LISTEN UP,
EVERYONE.
WHILE ABOARD THE
M.K. ENTERPRISE,
YOU WILL ADDRESS
ME AS "CAPTAIN."
GOT THAT?
OVER.
YEAH. YEAH
.
I DON'T WANT TO GO ON
THIS TRIP ANYWAY. WHATEVER.
IT'S THE CAPTAIN.
CAPTAIN. RIGHT.
ENOUGH OF THE
SARCASM,
OR I'LL HAVE YOU
ALL ON THE BRIDGE.
HA HA HA HA.
FRANKLIN, YOU ARE NOW
FIRST ENGINEER SCOTTY.
[ Scottish accent ]
AYE-AYE, CAP'N.
I'LL GO CHECK
THE DILITHIUM CRYSTALS.
WHAT'S THAT? IT'S THE STUFF THAT
POWERS THE ENTERPRISE, CAP'N.
REALLY? NO, IT'S THE
BLUE STUFF IN THE TOILET.
HEY, HEY, HOW COME
HE GETS TO BE SCOTTY?
I WANTED TO BE SCOTTY.
CAN YOU DO A SCOTTISH ACCENT?
OF COURSE I CAN.
OKAY, LET ME HEAR IT.
SI, SI, EL CAPITAN.
IT IS MULTO FRIDO OUTSIDE,
CAPTAIN HOLMES, EH?
HA HA HA.
THAT'S A SPANISH ACCENT. OH.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU BE SPOCK.
OH, I GET TO BE
THE SMART ONE.
THAT AIN'T LOGICAL.
THAT AIN'T LOGICAL.
OH, DEAR GOD, WE'RE NEVER
GETTING OUT OF THE DRIVEWAY.
CAPTAIN'S LOG,
STARDATE 2057-043...
WE EMBARK ON OUR JOURNEY
TO THE GRAND CANYON.
WE ARE GOING TO GO
THERE IN UNDER 37 HOURS.
WHAT?! MICHAEL, YOU SAID
THAT WE WERE GOING
TO STOP AT HISTORICAL SITES
ALONG THE WAY.
WE ARE, ON THE WAY
BACK.
SEE, WE'LL GO TO
THE GRAND CANYON,
WE'LL SEE THAT, AND
THEN WE'LL MOSEY ON BACK,
AND WE'LL SEE ALL THOSE SIGHTS.
THAT AIN'T LOGICAL.
MICHAEL, WHY ON EARTH
WOULD YOU WANT TO DRIVE
TO THE GRAND CANYON
UNDER 37 HOURS?
BECAUSE IF I BREAK THE RECORD,
THEN ALL THE GAS IS
FREE,
PLUS THEY THROW IN A
WANDERVAN 6000 KEYCHAIN.
AND ON TOP OF
THAT,
INSTEAD OF MY FACE
MUSTACHIO, P
AND I BECOME THE NEW CECILESE.
SO THAT'S WHAT
THIS IS ALL ABOUT...
YOU WANT TO DRIVE NONSTOP
FROM CONNECTICUT TO ARIZONA
JUST SO THAT YOUR FACE
CAN BE IN A PICTURE
IN AN R.V. SALESMAN'S
OFFICE.
DUH.
OH, MICHAEL,
YOU KNOW WHAT?
"R.V.ing FOR DUMMIES"
SAYS YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO
DRIVE MORE THAN
300 MILES A DAY.
RIGHT... "FOR DUMMIES."
I'M NOT A DUMMY, JAY, OKAY?
IF YOU'RE NICE
TO ME
AND YOU'RE
SUPPORTIVE...
I'LL GIVE YOU THE KEYCHAIN.
OH, MY GOD.
I GET THE KEYCHAIN.
OH, WHAT ARE WE
WAITING FOR?
Claire: HAPPY?
YES, VERY. NOW SIT IN, STRAP
YOURSELVES IN, LET'S GO.
I'VE USED TOPOGRAPHICAL
MAPS
TO CHART THE MOST
FUEL-EFFICIENT ROUTE.
WE'LL BE TRAVELING
DOWNHILL MOST OF THE WAY.
THAT AIN'T LOGICAL.
JUNIOR, SHUT
UP.
IT'S NOT JUNIOR,
IT'S SPOCK.
OKAY, SPOCK, SHUT
UP.
IT'S MR. SPOCK.
MR. SPOCK,
SHUT UP!
SPOCK, WHAT ARE
YOU EATING?
IT'S A VULCAN TRAIL MIX...
CABBAGE AND BEAN SALAD.
JUNIOR, WHEN YOU GET
A FREE MOMENT,
I'LL BE IN THE BATHROOM
CHANGING THE LIGHT BULBS.
AAH!
THAT AIN'T
LOGICAL.
WOMEN... LOVELY CREATURES,
BUT HIGHLY EMOTIONAL.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET
THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
HEY, WHAT? THE BOOK SAYS
THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
GLIDE OVER THE SPEED BUMPS
AT A VERY SLOW RATE...
NOT IN THE WANDERVAN
6000.
OKAY, THIS THING WAS BUILT
WITH GERMAN TECHNOLOGY.
IT'S MADE TO GO OVER
SPEED BUMPS. WATCH THIS.
OH!
MICHAEL!
THAT WASN'T
THAT BAD, HUH?
SCOTTY.
Franklin: AYE, CAP'N.
I NEED MORE
POWER.
BUT, CAP'N,
SHE'LL BREAK THE CORE.
THAT AIN'T LOGICAL.
BOY, YOU STOP WITH
THE "LOGICAL" IN MY EAR,
ALL RIGHT?
THAT AIN'T LOGICAL, MAMA.
GET OUT OF MY FACE, JUNIOR.
LOOK, YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'RE NOT SPOCK ANYMORE.
AND WHAT THE HELL
IS THAT YOU'RE DOING?
THAT'S THE VULCAN
SLEEP PINCH.
SLEEP, DADDY.
SLEEP.
YOU
AMATEUR.
MICHAEL, DON'T YOU THINK
YOU'RE TAKING THE "STAR TREK"...
STAND DOWN,
UHURA.
WHAT YOU CALL ME?
UHURA.
WHAT?
UHURA.
OH, BOY...
SHE WAS THE CAPTAIN'S
PRETTY ASSISTANT.
OH, WELL, YOU BETTER
ENUNCIATE NEXT U-HUR-A.
HERE'S YOUR COFFEE,
CAP'N. THANK YOU.
I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF PUTTING
A LITTLE SCOTTISH CHEER IN IT.
YOU PUT LIQUOR IN MY HUSBAND'S
COFFEE WHILE HE'S DRIVING?
NO, I JUST DROPPED
A LITTLE HAGGIS IN IT.
UGH!
I'M NOT DRINKING
THIS
IF YOU PUT YOUR
LITTLE HAGGIS IN IT.
NO, HAGGIS IS YOUR
TRADITIONAL SCOTTISH DISH
MADE FROM LAMB INTESTINE.
OH. WELL, THAT'S DIFFERENT.
EW!
I'LL BE
IN THE ENGINE ROOM.
THIS MUST BE WHAT
HELL IS LIKE. WHA T?
STUCK IN A TIN CAN
FULL OF TREKKIES.
DAD... HEY, HEY, HEY, PLAY
THE CAPTAIN GAME, BABY.
PLAY THE CAPTAIN
GAME.
[ Sighs ] CAPTAIN...
YES, YES, YES.
JUNIOR'S BEEN IN THE
BATHROOM FOR OVER AN HOUR.
IT'S THAT DAMN CABBAGE
AND BAKED BEANS HE'S EATING.
BOY, GET OUT OF THAT BATHROOM!
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'VE CHANGED MY MIND.
I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE.
JUST DROP ME OFF
AT THE NEAREST AIRPORT,
AND I'LL FLY HOME. OKAY, DEAR.
I HAVE TO
USE THE BATHROOM, TOO!
JUNIOR, THERE ARE OTHER
PEOPLE IN HERE BESIDES YOU!
GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM!
Junior: GOTTA GET THIS
DEMON OUT OF ME!
LOOK, WELL, BOY, HURRY
UP AND BEAM IT OUT
AND LET SOMEONE ELSE IN THERE.
BAD NEWS, CAPTAIN.
WE'RE LOST.
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT, LOST?
WELL,
AT UHURA'S INSISTENCE...
EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME...
U-HUR-A. U-HUR-A.
Y'ALL BETTER ENUNCIATE
UP IN HERE, FOR REAL.
WELL, AT U-HUR-A'S
INSISTENCE,
I CHARTED A ROUTE
TO A CAMPGROUND.
WE SHOULD HAVE
ARRIVED BY NOW.
A CAMPGROUND? I TOLD YOU
WE WERE GOING TO DRIVE
STRAIGHT THROUGH TO THE CANYON
IN LESS THAN 37
HOURS.
NO, NO, YOU'RE GOING
TO DRIVE STRAIGHT THROUGH.
THE REST OF US ARE GOING TO
REST AND STOP FOR THE NIGHT.
DON'T YOU WANT YOUR
WANDERVAN KEYCHAIN?
HA HA HA HA.
WELL, IT DOESN'T MATTER.
ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS,
WE'RE LOST SOMEWHERE
IN WESTERN PENNSYLVANIA.
GREAT! GREAT, NOW THERE'S
NOWHERE TO STOP.
YOU HAPPY, MICHAEL?
WILL YOU CALM DOWN? I
KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.
YEAH, RIGHT. ALL WE GOT TO DO
IS ZIP OVER TO THE
WATACACHEE JUNCTION,
THEN GO EAST FOR 2
MILES,
AND THEN RIGHT ON TO
THE I-29 GOING SOUTH.
THERE IS NO I-29
GOING SOUTH.
YES, THERE IS.
NO, THERE ISN'T, BECAUSE
WHEN I LOOKEDSL...
NICE TRY, MICHAEL,
BUT IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK.
I KNOW WE'RE LOST.
SEE, THAT'S THE
BEAUTY OF THE R.V.
YOU'RE NEVER LOST,
BECAUSE YOU HAVE
EVERYTHING YOU NEED WITH YOU.
WE DON'T NEED A CAMPGROUND.
ALL WE NEED TO DO
IS JUST PULL OVER
TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD
AND RECHART THE COURSE
THE SAME WAY THE PIONEERS DID.
OH, NO, WE WILL NOT.
THE BOOK SAYS IT'S
DANGEROUS TO PULL OVER
AND PARK ANYWHERE EXCEPT
FOR OFFICIAL CAMPGROUNDS.
OH, MY DEAR GOD.
WHOO!
OH, HEY, WHAT
THE...
OH, YOU...
OH, YOU... GET IT,
GET IT... DON'T SMELL!
COME HERE, COME
HERE!
WHERE IS IT?
WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS IT?
DID AN ALIEN CRAWL
UP IN YOU AND DIE?
DID A KLINGON FALL OUT YOUR ASS?
OPEN THE WINDOWS.
PULL OVER RIGHT HERE, MICHAEL.
I DON'T CARE WHERE WE STOP.
MICHAEL, I GOT TO
ADMIT, THIS IS REALLY NICE.
ISN'T IT?
YOU KNOW, I FINALLY GET
WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT.
HERE WE ARE, IN THE
MIDDLE OF AMERICA,
THE FAMILY'S TOGETHER, NO
TELEPHONE RINGING, NO TV,
JUST US.
JUST SPENDING QUALITY TIME
WITH THE ONES YOU CARE ABOUT.
I REALLY LOVE
THIS.
SO DO I.
ALL RIGHT,
ENOUGH OF THIS CRAP.
WE GOT TO GET GOING.
COME ON, COME ON, LET'S GO.
MOVE, MOVE, MOVE, MOVE IT.
PICK THOSE UP. COME ON.
I'VE GOT IT,
I'VE GOT IT.
DON'T JUST STAND
THERE.
WE'RE ON A TIMEFRAME. COME ON.
LET'S GO.
MUMFORD, I NEED
THAT JITTER JUICE NOW!
ONE ENERGY DRINK
COMING UP.
MICHAEL,
YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN
ON ALL OF THAT CAFFEINE.
YOUR EYE IS STARTING TO TWITCH.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
AND WHAT'S
WITH THE STUPID HAT?
MY BOOK DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT THAT STUPID...
HEY! AAH!
HEY, HEY, I'LL STOP ON
THE WAY BACK AND GET IT.
YOU KNOW, THIS ISN'T FAIR.
YOU GUYS TRICKED ME
INTO THIS TRIP,
TELLING ME WE WERE GOING
TO SHOP AT MALLS,
AND I HAVEN'T
BEEN TO ONE.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU
THINK VENDING WORLD WAS?
CHOOSING BETWEEN MOON PIES,
BUBBLE GUM, AND CHEWING TOBACCO
IS NOT SHOPPING.
SURE IT
IS.
YEAH, TO HILLBILLIES.
I GUESS I'LL GO SMOKE
ON MY CORNCOB PIPE
AND MARRY MY COUSIN.
[ Snorts ]
[ HIGH-PITCHED
LAUGHTER ]
SEE, THAT'S THE KIND OF FUN
I WAS TALKING ABOUT
US HAVING ON THIS TRIP.
GREAT ONE, CLAIRE! GREAT!
WHY DID YOU
GIVE ME THAT!
GIVE IT TO ME.
LOOK AROUND YOU, MICHAEL.
EVERYBODY HERE IS EITHER
BORED, TIRED, OR DEPRESSED.
I'M LOOKING AROUND
ME. HA HA HA HA HA.
REFUGEES HAVE HAD MORE FUN
THAN YOUR FAMILY
IS HAVING RIGHT NOW.
LOOK, YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU NEED TO BE MORE ACTIVE.
HERE, PRESS THIS BUTTON.
PRESS THIS BUTTON.
I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT. I DON'T
WANT TO PRESS NO BUTTON.
YEAH, IT'LL SEND US
INTO LIGHT SPEED.
YOU PRESSING MY BUTTONS. PLAY
THE GAME, BABY! PLAY THE GAME!
FINE! JUST BE QUIET!
OOH!
OH!
OH!
WE'RE GOING THROUGH
THE BLACK HOLE!
PAST THE MILKY
WAY!
WATCH OUT FOR THE ASTEROID!
HA HA HA
HA HA!
HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA HA HA!
TELL ME THAT WASN'T FUN.
NO!
IT'S NOT FUN.
MICHAEL, MY BUTT HURTS!
PULL THIS THING OVER.
NO, BABY, WE CAN BE AT
THE RIM OF THE CANYON
IN LESS THAN THREE
HOURS.
TWO IF YOU GIVE ME
SOME MORE JITTER JUICE.
NO, GIVE ME...
GIVE ME THAT!
NO, I NEED IT!
NO! GIVE IT TO ME!
PULL THIS THING OVER!
WATCH THE ROAD
AND PULL US OVER!
JITTER JUICE...
MWAH!
MICHAEL, PULL IT OVER NOW!
I WANT TO HAVE
SOME FAMILY TIME!
I WANT FAMILY TIME!
ALL RIGHT, OKAY, BABY.
WE'LL GET FAMILY TIME.
OKAY, NEXT STOP,
THE GRAND CANYON...
O O N.
WHOO-HOO.
Michael: WELL...
THERE SHE IS.
A BIG EMPTY HOLE?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING
INTO JUNIOR'S HEAD.
I THINK IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
IT SURE IS.
I SMELL GAS.
DON'T LOOK AT ME. I'M EMPTY.
I DO, TOO.
MICHAEL, DID YOU MESS WITH
THE ENGINE OR SOMETHING?
NO.
MICHAEL...
NO, ALL I DID WAS FLIP
OPEN THE REGULATOR VENTS
TO AIR THE PLACE
OUT.
REGULATOR VENTS...
THERE'S SOMETHING IN HERE
ABOUT THAT. REGULATOR VENTS.
WHAT IS
THAT?
THE BOOK SAYS, "ALWAYS
CARRY A POCKET VERSION
"OF 'R.V.ing VACATIONS
FOR DUMMIES'
"JUST IN CASE SOMEBODY
TRY TO PLAY YOU OUT
AND THROW YOUR BOOK
OUT THE WINDOW."
HERE IT IS.
"REMEMBER TO MAKE SURE
"YOUR REGULATOR VENTS
FACE DOWNWARD
"TO MINIMIZE VENT BLOCKAGE,
WHICH CAN CAUSE
EXCESSIVE GAS PRESSURE,
RESULTING"... DOWNWA RD?
DOWNWARD. DOWNWAR D.
RESULTING IN THE...
[ EXPLOSION ]
OH.
NO!
THERE GOES THE JITTER
JUICE!
HOW ARE WE GOING
TO GET HOME?!
"RESULTING IN THE
CATASTROPHIC EXPLOSION
OF YOUR VEHICLE,"
MICHAEL!
HEY, LOOK,
THERE'S AN UPSIDE TO THIS.
WHAT IS THE UPSIDE
TO YOUR VEHICLE
CATASTROPHICALLY EXPLODING?
36 HOURS AND 24
MINUTES!
WE MADE IT HERE!
WE WON FREE GAS!
THE WHOLE TRIP WAS
FREE,
PLUS YOU GOT A
WANDERVAN 6000 KEYCHAIN.
HUH?
MY MAMA WAS RIGHT.
MY MAMA WAS RIGHT
ABOUT YOU.
YOU GOT A TO SEE THEG BIRTHPLACE
OF MARTIN LUTHER
KING?
HAVE A
DREAM.
YOU GOT AN ITCH TO
SEE THE LIBERTY BELL?
WE'RE THERE. HA HA.
GOT A HANKERING TO
SEE THE BIRTHPLACE OF...
OF... OF... OF... OF...
OF... OF... OF... OF... OF...
HEY. DID YOU GET
THE TICKETS?
HA HA. WELL...
OH! THIS IS GREAT!
I ALWAYS WANTED
TO SEE THE GRAND CANYON.
OH, AND YOU'RE GOING TO SEE
IT, AND IT'S GOING TO BE GRAND.
OH, MICHAEL, SO WHEN
DOES OUR FLIGHT LEAVE?
"WHAT TIME DOES THE
FLIGHT LEAVE?" SHE SAYS.
"WHAT TIME DOES
THE FLIGHT LEAVE?"
WHEN DO YOU WANT TO LEAVE?
[ Gasps ] MICHAEL, YOU DID
NOT RENT US A PRIVATE JET.
OF COURSE I
DIDN'T.
BUT I RENTED US
SOMETHING
THAT IS 6,000 TIMES
BETTER THAN A PRIVATE JET.
REALLY? WHAT IS THAT?
BABY, FEAST YOUR
EYES
ON THAT.
WHAT'S THIS?
THAT'S THE WANDERVAN
6000.
A STUPID R.V.?
HEY, DON'T YOU
DISRESPECT THE WANDERVAN.
SHE DIDN'T MEAN
IT. SHE'S IGNORANT.
SHE DOESN'T KNOW YOUR
BEAUTY AND EXQUISITENESS.
ALL RIGHT,
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I AM REALLY SORRY.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO DISRESPECT
HER. CAN I SEE THE BROCHURE?
YES, YOU
CAN.
I'M NOT IGN'ANT.
OW.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
LOOK, I'M SORRY. IT'S
JUST THAT THIS WANDERVAN
IS AN EXQUISITE
PIECE OF MACHINERY.
THIS THING IS A ROLLING MANSION.
IT'S NOT AN
R.V.
THIS IS AN
R.M.
NO, YOU'RE AN R.M.
WHAT'S
THAT?
A REAL MORON.
HEY, DON'T YOU DISRESPECT
ME WITH THEM WORDS.
OW. YOURS SOUNDS
BETTER.
MICHAEL... THERE IT IS.
STOP.
STOP.
MICHAEL, I AM NOT DRIVING
TO ARIZONA
IN THAT BIG, STUPID THING.
HEY, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO.
I WILL DO THE
DRIVING.
YOU JUST SIT BACK AND LUXURIATE.
LUXURIATE, HUH?
THAT'S RIGHT. THIS THING
HAS RECLINING BUCKET SEATS
WITH THE FINEST
CORINTHIAN LEATHER,
SOFTER THAN DENZEL
WASHINGTON'S HANDS.
NOW, YOU IMAGINE
YOUR BIG, PRETTY BOOTY
PROPPED UP IN DENZEL'S
HAND GOING CROSS-COUNTRY.
MM.
OOH, LOOK AT THAT
BUMP. OH, I GOTCHA.
STOP, DENZEL.
WATCH THAT TURN.
COME HERE, COME HERE.
GET OVER HERE. DENZEL, STOP.
MICHAEL'S RIGHT OVER THERE.
OKAY, SO WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY
ABOUT THIS IS
...
DENZEL, NO, BABY, STOP.
HA HA HA HA.
OW!
STOP!
OKAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS SOUNDS
REALLY, REALLY NICE, MICHAEL,
BUT WHY IN THE WORLD
WOULD YOU RENT AN R.V.?
OF ALL THINGS,
YOU KNOW DOGGONE WELL
THAT THE WORST TRIP I EVER
TOOK IN MY LIFE WAS IN AN R.V.
WHEN I WAS A KID. YOU KNOW
THAT. I TOLD YOU THE STORY.
I KNOW, BUT THINGS HAVE
CHANGED SINCE THEN.
EVERYTHING'S
DIFFERENT NOW.
THE ROADS ARE
PAVED.
WHATEVER.
THIS SOUNDS
LIKE A NIGHTMARE.
LOOK, I KNOW, AND THAT'S
WHY THIS IS THE PERFECT TRIP.
SEE, I WANT TO HELP YOU
CONFRONT YOUR CHILDHOOD TRAUMA
AND TURN THAT BAD
MEMORY
INTO A BEAUTIFUL
CROSS-COUNTRY EXPERIENCE.
YOU DO?
YEAH. PLUS, IF WE FLY,
WE'RE GOING TO MISS OUT
ON ALL THE HISTORICAL LANDMARKS
THAT THIS COUNTRY HAS TO OFFER.
THINK ABOUT THE
AMBER WAVES OF GRAIN,
THE PURPLE MOUNTAINS'
MAJESTY ABOVE THE FRUITED PLAIN.
♪ AMERICA ♪ I KNEW YOU
WERE GOING TO DO THAT. I KNEW.
♪ AMERICA ♪ I KNEW. I KNEW.
DON'T EVEN KNOW THE WORDS,
DO YOU?
♪ EE
NO, YOU DON'T.
♪ AH
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO, I'LL GO!
JUST STOP
SINGING!
I'M NOT HAPPY ABOUT
THIS, BUT I WILL GO.
JUST
PLEASE.
♪ FROM SEA
TO SHINING SEA ♪
MICHAEL!
SORRY.
IT'S NOT LEGAL NOT TO
FINISH THE SONG, BABY.
YEAH,
RIGHT.
I WANT TO SEE YOU TELL THE
KIDS. THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO SEE.
OH, THIS IS GOING TO BE GOOD.
THEY GOING TO BE SO
THRILLED WHEN THEY SEE
THE WANDERVAN 6000.
IS THIS SOME KIND OF
JOKE? ARE YOU GUYS HIGH?
YES, I'M HIGH
OFF THE FACT
THAT WE'RE GOING TO SEE THIS
GREAT COUNTRY OF OURS TOGETHER.
IT'S GOING TO BE
SO MUCH FUN.
HA!
FUN? IT SOUNDS
LIKE TORTURE.
TWO WEEKS WITH YOU
IN A SMALLER HOUSE?
I CAN BARELY TAKE
IT IN THIS HOUSE.
BESIDES, ISN'T
R.V.ing
SOMETHING OLD PEOPLE
DO BEFORE THEY DIE?
OOH, NO, SHE DIDN'T.
NO, SHE DIDN'T.
SO I GUESS YOU DON'T WANT
TO SEE ALL THE MALLS
BETWEEN HERE
AND THE GRAND CANYON.
MALLS?
YOU MEAN THERE ARE OTHER
MALLS BESIDES THE MALL?
SEE, THIS IS THE REASON
WHY WE'RE TAKING THIS TRIP...
SO WE CAN ANSWER
THOSE PROFOUND QUESTIONS.
OH. WELL, I'M
IN.
WELL, I HAVE AN ISSUE.
I CAN'T GO TWO WEEKS
WITHOUT ANOTHER KID TO TALK TO.
OKAY, IS THERE ROOM
IN THE R.V. FOR ONE MORE?
"IS THERE ROOM IN THE R.V.
FOR ONE MORE?" SHE SAYS.
"IS THERE ROOM
IN THE R.V. FOR ONE MORE?"
OKAY, JUST GO ASK FRANKLIN
IF HE CAN COME ALONG.
THAT WORKS FOR
ME.
COUNT US OUT.
COUNT YOU OUT?
THE PROBLEM, MR.
KYLE,
IS WE'RE STILL A
NEWLY MARRIED COUPLE,
AND WE NEED OUR
PRIVACY, CHI-CHI.
Jay: OH, GOD.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS GOING
TO DO IN PRIVATE
THAT YOU CAN'T DO
AROUND US?
AAH!
DON'T YOU EVER SAY THAT
TO ME AGAIN. I'M YOUR FATHER.
NOT TO YOU. TO HER.
AAH!
YOU DON'T EVEN SAY THINGS
LIKE THAT TO HER.
DAD, I DON'T THINK
YOU HEARING ME CORRECTLY.
OHH. YEAH,
THAT'S...
AAH! I TOLD YOU,
DON'T SAY IT, BOY.
NOW, LOOK, WE BOOKED THIS R.V.,
AND WE'RE ALL
GOING, AND THAT'S IT.
VANESSA, YOU ARE A KYLE NOW,
SO YOU DO WHATEVER STUPID
THING THE REST OF THIS FAMILY DOES.
STUPID. YEAH.
OKAY, MR. KYLE,
OKAY.
FINE. I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO
SEE THE GRAND CANYON, ANYWAY.
YOU KNOW,
I WONDER HOW HIGH IT IS.
AAH!
HA HA HA HA.
SO I GUESS WE'RE ALL SET.
JUST HAND ME THE KEYS
TO THAT BABY,
AND WE'LL
HIT THE ROAD, JACK.
I WILL, BUT INSURANCE LAWS
REQUIRE ME TO SHOW YOU
A LITTLE SAFETY VIDEO FIRST.
OH, NO,
THAT'S A GOOD THING.
WE WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING
WE NEED TO KNOW BEFORE WE LEAVE.
ALL RIGHT, HAVE A
SEAT,
AND I WILL BE BACK IN 3
HOURS AND 10 MINUTES.
WHAT?
[ GROANS ]
Man: THANK YOU FOR
CHOOSING THE WANDERVAN 6000,
THE MOST LUXURIOUS VEHICLE
ON THE ROAD.
GOD, HIS VOICE IS BORING
AND ANNOYING. SHH.
I HEARD THAT.
TO PULL DOWN THE
AWNING,
USE THE HOOK ROD
LOCATED IN COMPARTMENT "B"
ON THE LEFT SIDE OF
THE AWNING SAFETY LATCH
MARKED "AWNING HOOK
ROD COMPARTMENT."
NOW, REMEMBER TO
ALWAYS MAKE SURE
THE REGULATOR VENT
FACES DOWNWARD
TO MINIMIZE VENT
BLOCKAGE,
RESULTING IN THE CATASTROPHIC
EXPLOSION OF YOUR VEHICLE
AND THE DEATH OF
EVERYONE ON BOARD.
OKAY.
THREE HOURS GO
BY THAT FAST? WHOA.
ANY QUESTIONS?
NO, THIS IS
VERY INFORMATIVE.
I KNOW THAT THE GREEN
LEVEL DOES THE AWNING.
WELL, I GUESS YOU GUYS
ARE READY TO ROCK 'N' ROLL.
HA HA HA HA
HA.
HEY, WHAT'S THAT GUY? I'VE BEEN
WATCHING HIM FOR A WHILE NOW.
OH, YES.
CECILESE MUSTACHIOS,
YES.
HE'S THE GUY WHO HOLDS
THE WORLD RECORD...
FROM CONNECTICUT TO THE
GRAND CANYON IN 37 HOURS.
OH, THAT'S INSANE.
GOOD LUCK WITH
THE RECORD, MR. KYLE.
WHAT? WHAT IS
HE TALKING ABOUT?
NOTHING. NOTHING. COME
ON. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
YOU WANT TO PLAY
THE TAPE AGAIN? NO, NO.
NO.
OKAY, I'VE GOT EVERYTHING.
YOU SURE DO. NOW GO PUT IT BACK.
I TOLD YOU, WE'RE GOING
TO BUY STUFF ALONG THE WAY.
TAKE THOSE SUITCASES
BACK IN THE HOUSE
AND PACK A SMALLER BAG.
ALL RIGHT, KILLJOY.
SAY IT AGAIN, HEAR,
I'M GOING TO KILL JOY
AND KILL CLAIRE.
I DON'T WANT
TO GO ON THIS TRIP ANYWAY.
Franklin: MR. KYLE?
UH, YOU WILL ADDRESS
ME AS "CAPTAIN"
WHILE I'M MANNING THIS VESSEL.
OH, WHAT IS
THAT NONSENSE ABOUT?
WELL, I THOUGHT IT WOULD
BE GREAT FOR THE TRIP
IF WE ALL PRETENDED WE
WERE ON THE STARSHIP.
[ Snorting ] HA HA HA HA.
GREAT, MICHAEL, FINE. GREAT.
UM...
WHAT IS THAT?
IT'S THE SIGN.
READ IT.
WHAT DOES IT SAY?
"MADE IN TAIWAN."
NO, UP... UP THERE. "CAP'N"?
NO, STARFLEET
CAPTAIN.
LISTEN UP,
EVERYONE.
WHILE ABOARD THE
M.K. ENTERPRISE,
YOU WILL ADDRESS
ME AS "CAPTAIN."
GOT THAT?
OVER.
YEAH. YEAH
.
I DON'T WANT TO GO ON
THIS TRIP ANYWAY. WHATEVER.
IT'S THE CAPTAIN.
CAPTAIN. RIGHT.
ENOUGH OF THE
SARCASM,
OR I'LL HAVE YOU
ALL ON THE BRIDGE.
HA HA HA HA.
FRANKLIN, YOU ARE NOW
FIRST ENGINEER SCOTTY.
[ Scottish accent ]
AYE-AYE, CAP'N.
I'LL GO CHECK
THE DILITHIUM CRYSTALS.
WHAT'S THAT? IT'S THE STUFF THAT
POWERS THE ENTERPRISE, CAP'N.
REALLY? NO, IT'S THE
BLUE STUFF IN THE TOILET.
HEY, HEY, HOW COME
HE GETS TO BE SCOTTY?
I WANTED TO BE SCOTTY.
CAN YOU DO A SCOTTISH ACCENT?
OF COURSE I CAN.
OKAY, LET ME HEAR IT.
SI, SI, EL CAPITAN.
IT IS MULTO FRIDO OUTSIDE,
CAPTAIN HOLMES, EH?
HA HA HA.
THAT'S A SPANISH ACCENT. OH.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU BE SPOCK.
OH, I GET TO BE
THE SMART ONE.
THAT AIN'T LOGICAL.
THAT AIN'T LOGICAL.
OH, DEAR GOD, WE'RE NEVER
GETTING OUT OF THE DRIVEWAY.
CAPTAIN'S LOG,
STARDATE 2057-043...
WE EMBARK ON OUR JOURNEY
TO THE GRAND CANYON.
WE ARE GOING TO GO
THERE IN UNDER 37 HOURS.
WHAT?! MICHAEL, YOU SAID
THAT WE WERE GOING
TO STOP AT HISTORICAL SITES
ALONG THE WAY.
WE ARE, ON THE WAY
BACK.
SEE, WE'LL GO TO
THE GRAND CANYON,
WE'LL SEE THAT, AND
THEN WE'LL MOSEY ON BACK,
AND WE'LL SEE ALL THOSE SIGHTS.
THAT AIN'T LOGICAL.
MICHAEL, WHY ON EARTH
WOULD YOU WANT TO DRIVE
TO THE GRAND CANYON
UNDER 37 HOURS?
BECAUSE IF I BREAK THE RECORD,
THEN ALL THE GAS IS
FREE,
PLUS THEY THROW IN A
WANDERVAN 6000 KEYCHAIN.
AND ON TOP OF
THAT,
INSTEAD OF MY FACE
MUSTACHIO, P
AND I BECOME THE NEW CECILESE.
SO THAT'S WHAT
THIS IS ALL ABOUT...
YOU WANT TO DRIVE NONSTOP
FROM CONNECTICUT TO ARIZONA
JUST SO THAT YOUR FACE
CAN BE IN A PICTURE
IN AN R.V. SALESMAN'S
OFFICE.
DUH.
OH, MICHAEL,
YOU KNOW WHAT?
"R.V.ing FOR DUMMIES"
SAYS YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO
DRIVE MORE THAN
300 MILES A DAY.
RIGHT... "FOR DUMMIES."
I'M NOT A DUMMY, JAY, OKAY?
IF YOU'RE NICE
TO ME
AND YOU'RE
SUPPORTIVE...
I'LL GIVE YOU THE KEYCHAIN.
OH, MY GOD.
I GET THE KEYCHAIN.
OH, WHAT ARE WE
WAITING FOR?
Claire: HAPPY?
YES, VERY. NOW SIT IN, STRAP
YOURSELVES IN, LET'S GO.
I'VE USED TOPOGRAPHICAL
MAPS
TO CHART THE MOST
FUEL-EFFICIENT ROUTE.
WE'LL BE TRAVELING
DOWNHILL MOST OF THE WAY.
THAT AIN'T LOGICAL.
JUNIOR, SHUT
UP.
IT'S NOT JUNIOR,
IT'S SPOCK.
OKAY, SPOCK, SHUT
UP.
IT'S MR. SPOCK.
MR. SPOCK,
SHUT UP!
SPOCK, WHAT ARE
YOU EATING?
IT'S A VULCAN TRAIL MIX...
CABBAGE AND BEAN SALAD.
JUNIOR, WHEN YOU GET
A FREE MOMENT,
I'LL BE IN THE BATHROOM
CHANGING THE LIGHT BULBS.
AAH!
THAT AIN'T
LOGICAL.
WOMEN... LOVELY CREATURES,
BUT HIGHLY EMOTIONAL.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET
THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
HEY, WHAT? THE BOOK SAYS
THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
GLIDE OVER THE SPEED BUMPS
AT A VERY SLOW RATE...
NOT IN THE WANDERVAN
6000.
OKAY, THIS THING WAS BUILT
WITH GERMAN TECHNOLOGY.
IT'S MADE TO GO OVER
SPEED BUMPS. WATCH THIS.
OH!
MICHAEL!
THAT WASN'T
THAT BAD, HUH?
SCOTTY.
Franklin: AYE, CAP'N.
I NEED MORE
POWER.
BUT, CAP'N,
SHE'LL BREAK THE CORE.
THAT AIN'T LOGICAL.
BOY, YOU STOP WITH
THE "LOGICAL" IN MY EAR,
ALL RIGHT?
THAT AIN'T LOGICAL, MAMA.
GET OUT OF MY FACE, JUNIOR.
LOOK, YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'RE NOT SPOCK ANYMORE.
AND WHAT THE HELL
IS THAT YOU'RE DOING?
THAT'S THE VULCAN
SLEEP PINCH.
SLEEP, DADDY.
SLEEP.
YOU
AMATEUR.
MICHAEL, DON'T YOU THINK
YOU'RE TAKING THE "STAR TREK"...
STAND DOWN,
UHURA.
WHAT YOU CALL ME?
UHURA.
WHAT?
UHURA.
OH, BOY...
SHE WAS THE CAPTAIN'S
PRETTY ASSISTANT.
OH, WELL, YOU BETTER
ENUNCIATE NEXT U-HUR-A.
HERE'S YOUR COFFEE,
CAP'N. THANK YOU.
I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF PUTTING
A LITTLE SCOTTISH CHEER IN IT.
YOU PUT LIQUOR IN MY HUSBAND'S
COFFEE WHILE HE'S DRIVING?
NO, I JUST DROPPED
A LITTLE HAGGIS IN IT.
UGH!
I'M NOT DRINKING
THIS
IF YOU PUT YOUR
LITTLE HAGGIS IN IT.
NO, HAGGIS IS YOUR
TRADITIONAL SCOTTISH DISH
MADE FROM LAMB INTESTINE.
OH. WELL, THAT'S DIFFERENT.
EW!
I'LL BE
IN THE ENGINE ROOM.
THIS MUST BE WHAT
HELL IS LIKE. WHA T?
STUCK IN A TIN CAN
FULL OF TREKKIES.
DAD... HEY, HEY, HEY, PLAY
THE CAPTAIN GAME, BABY.
PLAY THE CAPTAIN
GAME.
[ Sighs ] CAPTAIN...
YES, YES, YES.
JUNIOR'S BEEN IN THE
BATHROOM FOR OVER AN HOUR.
IT'S THAT DAMN CABBAGE
AND BAKED BEANS HE'S EATING.
BOY, GET OUT OF THAT BATHROOM!
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'VE CHANGED MY MIND.
I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE.
JUST DROP ME OFF
AT THE NEAREST AIRPORT,
AND I'LL FLY HOME. OKAY, DEAR.
I HAVE TO
USE THE BATHROOM, TOO!
JUNIOR, THERE ARE OTHER
PEOPLE IN HERE BESIDES YOU!
GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM!
Junior: GOTTA GET THIS
DEMON OUT OF ME!
LOOK, WELL, BOY, HURRY
UP AND BEAM IT OUT
AND LET SOMEONE ELSE IN THERE.
BAD NEWS, CAPTAIN.
WE'RE LOST.
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT, LOST?
WELL,
AT UHURA'S INSISTENCE...
EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME...
U-HUR-A. U-HUR-A.
Y'ALL BETTER ENUNCIATE
UP IN HERE, FOR REAL.
WELL, AT U-HUR-A'S
INSISTENCE,
I CHARTED A ROUTE
TO A CAMPGROUND.
WE SHOULD HAVE
ARRIVED BY NOW.
A CAMPGROUND? I TOLD YOU
WE WERE GOING TO DRIVE
STRAIGHT THROUGH TO THE CANYON
IN LESS THAN 37
HOURS.
NO, NO, YOU'RE GOING
TO DRIVE STRAIGHT THROUGH.
THE REST OF US ARE GOING TO
REST AND STOP FOR THE NIGHT.
DON'T YOU WANT YOUR
WANDERVAN KEYCHAIN?
HA HA HA HA.
WELL, IT DOESN'T MATTER.
ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS,
WE'RE LOST SOMEWHERE
IN WESTERN PENNSYLVANIA.
GREAT! GREAT, NOW THERE'S
NOWHERE TO STOP.
YOU HAPPY, MICHAEL?
WILL YOU CALM DOWN? I
KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.
YEAH, RIGHT. ALL WE GOT TO DO
IS ZIP OVER TO THE
WATACACHEE JUNCTION,
THEN GO EAST FOR 2
MILES,
AND THEN RIGHT ON TO
THE I-29 GOING SOUTH.
THERE IS NO I-29
GOING SOUTH.
YES, THERE IS.
NO, THERE ISN'T, BECAUSE
WHEN I LOOKEDSL...
NICE TRY, MICHAEL,
BUT IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK.
I KNOW WE'RE LOST.
SEE, THAT'S THE
BEAUTY OF THE R.V.
YOU'RE NEVER LOST,
BECAUSE YOU HAVE
EVERYTHING YOU NEED WITH YOU.
WE DON'T NEED A CAMPGROUND.
ALL WE NEED TO DO
IS JUST PULL OVER
TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD
AND RECHART THE COURSE
THE SAME WAY THE PIONEERS DID.
OH, NO, WE WILL NOT.
THE BOOK SAYS IT'S
DANGEROUS TO PULL OVER
AND PARK ANYWHERE EXCEPT
FOR OFFICIAL CAMPGROUNDS.
OH, MY DEAR GOD.
WHOO!
OH, HEY, WHAT
THE...
OH, YOU...
OH, YOU... GET IT,
GET IT... DON'T SMELL!
COME HERE, COME
HERE!
WHERE IS IT?
WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS IT?
DID AN ALIEN CRAWL
UP IN YOU AND DIE?
DID A KLINGON FALL OUT YOUR ASS?
OPEN THE WINDOWS.
PULL OVER RIGHT HERE, MICHAEL.
I DON'T CARE WHERE WE STOP.
MICHAEL, I GOT TO
ADMIT, THIS IS REALLY NICE.
ISN'T IT?
YOU KNOW, I FINALLY GET
WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT.
HERE WE ARE, IN THE
MIDDLE OF AMERICA,
THE FAMILY'S TOGETHER, NO
TELEPHONE RINGING, NO TV,
JUST US.
JUST SPENDING QUALITY TIME
WITH THE ONES YOU CARE ABOUT.
I REALLY LOVE
THIS.
SO DO I.
ALL RIGHT,
ENOUGH OF THIS CRAP.
WE GOT TO GET GOING.
COME ON, COME ON, LET'S GO.
MOVE, MOVE, MOVE, MOVE IT.
PICK THOSE UP. COME ON.
I'VE GOT IT,
I'VE GOT IT.
DON'T JUST STAND
THERE.
WE'RE ON A TIMEFRAME. COME ON.
LET'S GO.
MUMFORD, I NEED
THAT JITTER JUICE NOW!
ONE ENERGY DRINK
COMING UP.
MICHAEL,
YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN
ON ALL OF THAT CAFFEINE.
YOUR EYE IS STARTING TO TWITCH.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
AND WHAT'S
WITH THE STUPID HAT?
MY BOOK DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT THAT STUPID...
HEY! AAH!
HEY, HEY, I'LL STOP ON
THE WAY BACK AND GET IT.
YOU KNOW, THIS ISN'T FAIR.
YOU GUYS TRICKED ME
INTO THIS TRIP,
TELLING ME WE WERE GOING
TO SHOP AT MALLS,
AND I HAVEN'T
BEEN TO ONE.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU
THINK VENDING WORLD WAS?
CHOOSING BETWEEN MOON PIES,
BUBBLE GUM, AND CHEWING TOBACCO
IS NOT SHOPPING.
SURE IT
IS.
YEAH, TO HILLBILLIES.
I GUESS I'LL GO SMOKE
ON MY CORNCOB PIPE
AND MARRY MY COUSIN.
[ Snorts ]
[ HIGH-PITCHED
LAUGHTER ]
SEE, THAT'S THE KIND OF FUN
I WAS TALKING ABOUT
US HAVING ON THIS TRIP.
GREAT ONE, CLAIRE! GREAT!
WHY DID YOU
GIVE ME THAT!
GIVE IT TO ME.
LOOK AROUND YOU, MICHAEL.
EVERYBODY HERE IS EITHER
BORED, TIRED, OR DEPRESSED.
I'M LOOKING AROUND
ME. HA HA HA HA HA.
REFUGEES HAVE HAD MORE FUN
THAN YOUR FAMILY
IS HAVING RIGHT NOW.
LOOK, YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU NEED TO BE MORE ACTIVE.
HERE, PRESS THIS BUTTON.
PRESS THIS BUTTON.
I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT. I DON'T
WANT TO PRESS NO BUTTON.
YEAH, IT'LL SEND US
INTO LIGHT SPEED.
YOU PRESSING MY BUTTONS. PLAY
THE GAME, BABY! PLAY THE GAME!
FINE! JUST BE QUIET!
OOH!
OH!
OH!
WE'RE GOING THROUGH
THE BLACK HOLE!
PAST THE MILKY
WAY!
WATCH OUT FOR THE ASTEROID!
HA HA HA
HA HA!
HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA HA HA!
TELL ME THAT WASN'T FUN.
NO!
IT'S NOT FUN.
MICHAEL, MY BUTT HURTS!
PULL THIS THING OVER.
NO, BABY, WE CAN BE AT
THE RIM OF THE CANYON
IN LESS THAN THREE
HOURS.
TWO IF YOU GIVE ME
SOME MORE JITTER JUICE.
NO, GIVE ME...
GIVE ME THAT!
NO, I NEED IT!
NO! GIVE IT TO ME!
PULL THIS THING OVER!
WATCH THE ROAD
AND PULL US OVER!
JITTER JUICE...
MWAH!
MICHAEL, PULL IT OVER NOW!
I WANT TO HAVE
SOME FAMILY TIME!
I WANT FAMILY TIME!
ALL RIGHT, OKAY, BABY.
WE'LL GET FAMILY TIME.
OKAY, NEXT STOP,
THE GRAND CANYON...
O O N.
WHOO-HOO.
Michael: WELL...
THERE SHE IS.
A BIG EMPTY HOLE?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING
INTO JUNIOR'S HEAD.
I THINK IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
IT SURE IS.
I SMELL GAS.
DON'T LOOK AT ME. I'M EMPTY.
I DO, TOO.
MICHAEL, DID YOU MESS WITH
THE ENGINE OR SOMETHING?
NO.
MICHAEL...
NO, ALL I DID WAS FLIP
OPEN THE REGULATOR VENTS
TO AIR THE PLACE
OUT.
REGULATOR VENTS...
THERE'S SOMETHING IN HERE
ABOUT THAT. REGULATOR VENTS.
WHAT IS
THAT?
THE BOOK SAYS, "ALWAYS
CARRY A POCKET VERSION
"OF 'R.V.ing VACATIONS
FOR DUMMIES'
"JUST IN CASE SOMEBODY
TRY TO PLAY YOU OUT
AND THROW YOUR BOOK
OUT THE WINDOW."
HERE IT IS.
"REMEMBER TO MAKE SURE
"YOUR REGULATOR VENTS
FACE DOWNWARD
"TO MINIMIZE VENT BLOCKAGE,
WHICH CAN CAUSE
EXCESSIVE GAS PRESSURE,
RESULTING"... DOWNWA RD?
DOWNWARD. DOWNWAR D.
RESULTING IN THE...
[ EXPLOSION ]
OH.
NO!
THERE GOES THE JITTER
JUICE!
HOW ARE WE GOING
TO GET HOME?!
"RESULTING IN THE
CATASTROPHIC EXPLOSION
OF YOUR VEHICLE,"
MICHAEL!
HEY, LOOK,
THERE'S AN UPSIDE TO THIS.
WHAT IS THE UPSIDE
TO YOUR VEHICLE
CATASTROPHICALLY EXPLODING?
36 HOURS AND 24
MINUTES!
WE MADE IT HERE!
WE WON FREE GAS!
THE WHOLE TRIP WAS
FREE,
PLUS YOU GOT A
WANDERVAN 6000 KEYCHAIN.
HUH?
MY MAMA WAS RIGHT.
MY MAMA WAS RIGHT
ABOUT YOU.
YOU GOT A TO SEE THEG BIRTHPLACE
OF MARTIN LUTHER
KING?
HAVE A
DREAM.
YOU GOT AN ITCH TO
SEE THE LIBERTY BELL?
WE'RE THERE. HA HA.
GOT A HANKERING TO
SEE THE BIRTHPLACE OF...
OF... OF... OF... OF...
OF... OF... OF... OF... OF...