My Wife and Kids (2001–2005): Season 5, Episode 26 - The 'V' Story - full transcript
Jay reads about a 67 year old woman giving birth and demands that Michael get a vasectomy so she won't have to worry about becoming an old mother with a new child.
AH, HA!
OH, MY GOD.
WH
AT?
OH, MY GOD, MICHAEL, READ
THIS. RIGHT HERE... READ THAT.
"67-YEAR-OLD WOMAN GIVES BIRTH."
OOH.
ISN'T THAT FRIGHTENING?
YEAH, WHO WOULD TAP
THAT?
HOW DO YOU LOOK AT A 67-YEAR-OLD
AND FEEL IT,
LIKE,
"MMM, YEAH, I'LL JUST
TAKE THAT LITTLE WIG OFF."
OHH! WOULD YOU STOP IT!
[laughs]
I'D TALK DIRTY INTO HER
HEARING AID... "WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHAT'D YOU SAY?" [laughs]
IT'S PROBABLY SOMEBODY
WHO LOVES HER, MICHAEL!
HEY, LOVE STOPS AT
55.
OHH!
WHEN THE BREASTS
DROP, THE LOVE STOPS.
OKAY.
MICHAEL, WHAT IF
THAT HAPPENED TO US?
I THINK WE NEED TO TAKE SOME
PRECAUTIONARY MEASURES.
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT,
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE SHOULD START
PRACTICING SAFE SEX.
I'LL JUST GO A LITTLE FASTER.
OKAY, BROTHER.
UH, NO, I DON'T THINK
YOU COULD GET ANY FASTER.
[laughs]
NO, NO, NO, NO.
YOU MUST MISUNDERSTAND ME
WHEN I SAY, "WE NEED TO TAKE
SOME PRECAUTIONARY MEASURES."
THAT MEANS YOU NEED TO TAKE
PRECAUTIONARY MEASURES.
THAT'S THE "WE"
I'M TALKING ABOUT.
OH, YOU MEAN THE WAY
WE BOUGHT THIS HOUSE,
AND WE BOUGHT THE
AND WE PAY ALL THE BILLS.
THAT "WE"?
I NEED TO CAUTION YOU FROM
GOING DOWN THAT "WE" ROAD.
THAT ROAD DOWN THERE,
THAT'S A DARK ROAD.
NO, SEE, WE WILL START
DOING THE COOKING,
WE WILL START CLEANING,
AND WE WILL BE GETTING UP
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
WHEN THE KIDS
ARE SICK, OKAY?
AND THAT DOES MEAN YOU...
YOU, YOU, YOU.
OKAY, SO WHY DON'T
WE TRY CONDOMS?
NO, BABY,
THAT'S NOT FOOLPROOF.
I DON'T WANT TO
END UP LIKE THIS.
TRUST ME, WHEN YOU TURN
67, I DON'T EVEN WANT TO SEE IT.
WILL YOU STOP IT!
COBWEBS.
[laughs]
TUMBLEWEEDS... TAKE A LOOK
AT THOSE. WILL YOU BE QUIET!
WHA
I'M BEING SERIOUS. T?
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? WE
NEED TO TAKE PRECAUTIONARY MEASURES!
OKAY, IT'S SO FUNNY THAT
THIS IS BROUGHT UP TODAY.
BECAUSE I'VE BEEN
THINKING ABOUT THIS LATELY,
AND I THINK YOU
NEED TO GET A VASECTOMY.
WHOA! HEY!
HELL, NO.
COME AGAIN?
THAT'S THE POINT,
OKAY?
ME AND MY FRIEND, MY REAL-LIFE
PARTNER, LITTLE MICHAEL...
WHO? PRINCE MICHAEL.
WHO? MICHELANGEL O.
THE ARTIST?
YEAH, YOU SEE THE KIDS HE MADE.
LOOK, HE DOES NOT
SHARP OBJECTS, OKAY?
WHY DON'T YOU JUST
GO GET YOUR TUBES TIED?
MICHAEL,
THAT'S A MAJOR OPERATION.
A VASECTOMY IS JUST
A LITTLE SNIP, SNIP.
OH, YOU KNOW
WHAT?
THERE'S NO SUCH
THING AS A SNIP, SNIP.
THAT'S LIKE SAYING
A LITTLE CHOP, CHOP,
OR A LITTLE STAB,
STAB,
OR A LITTLE KICK, KICK,
AROUND ON THE GROUND
AND SMASH IT AROUND AND
THROW IT UNDERNEATH THE CAR
AND DRIVE BACK AND
FORTH...
A LITTLE DRIVE,
DRIVE, SMASH, SMASH.
YOU KNOW, YOU ARE ACTING
LIKE A LITTLE BABY RIGHT NOW.
I CANNOT BELIEVE... LOOK... W HY?
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT
NOBODY MESSING AROUND
DOWN THERE EXCEPT
YOU?
FINE, THEN I'LL DO IT.
I'LL FIND THE SCISSORS
WHOA! HEY! WAIT!
SOME RUSTY, DUSTY,
CRUSTY, RS,
I HOPE YOU GET LOCKJAW, LIKE...
SHH!
WOMAN!
OKAY, MICHAEL,
FINE.
WOULD YOU AT LEAST THINK ABOUT
GETTING A VASECTOMY, PLEASE?
OKAY, I'LL GIVE IT
SOME THOUGHT.
I THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
NO, I'M NOT DOING IT.
FINE, THEN WE'RE NOT DOING IT.
HA!
FINE.
I'LL GO GET THE 67-YEAR-OLD.
SHE'S PUTTING OUT.
I'LL JUST TAKE THAT WIG
OFF.
EW!
[gagging]
[door bell rings]
HEY, TONY, WHAT'S
UP?
I HAD A TERRIBLE NIGHTMARE
LAST NIGHT.
ABOUT WHAT?
I'M ATHOW I'M GOING NEXT
KNOWWEEK.
YEAH.
AND I'M IN LINE WITH
ALL THE OTHER CAMPERS,
AND GOD'S JUDGING
US.
WELL, THAT'S WHAT HE DOES.
I KNOW, BUT HE WAS GIVING
THE OTHER CAMPERS ATTENTION.
I COULDN'T EVEN GET
HIM TO ACKNOWLEDGE ME.
DID YOU ACTUALLY
SEE GOD? OH, YEAH.
WHAT'D HE LOOK LIKE?
SAME AS ALWAYS...
FOREST WHITAKER.
THAT'S NOT THE POINT, THOUGH.
THE POINT IS, IS THAT
IT WAS TERRIFYING.
I'M THE MOST RELIGIOUS
PERSON AT BIBLE CAMP.
I'M THE MOST DEVOUT.
I MEAN, I NEVER SIN.
DO YOU EVER THINK OF ME
WHEN YOU'RE AT BIBLE CAMP?
SURE.
I MEAN, YOU'RE THE
BOMB.
BUT WHENEVER I DO, I JUST
SLAM MY HEAD INTO A WALL
UNTIL THOSE IMPURE
THOUGHTS GO AWAY.
YOU KNOW, LIKE THIS.
OW!
O-O-O-O-KAY.
WHY?
HAVE YOU LOOKED IN THE
MIRROR LATELY, CLAIRE?
OH, I KNOW WHAT YOU
MEAN.
ATTRACTIVE, AREN'T
UNI? LIEVABLY
YEAH, YOU'RE IRRESISTIBLE.
ANYBODY CAN RESIST
ANOTHER GIRL,
BUT I'M GETTING HUGE POINTS
FOR RESISTING YOU.
I MEAN, THE DEGREE OF
DIFFICULTY HERE IS ENORMOUS.
YOU ARE SO HOT!
A-A-A-AH!
OW!
[groans]
OHH!
PHEW!
LOOK, THE POINT IS,
IS I JUST NEED A WAY
TO GET GOD'S ATTENTION.
WHY DON'T YOU
FEED THE POOR?
EVERYBODY DOES THAT.
BESIDES, THEY GET HUNGRY AGAIN.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
READ TO THE BLIND?
BOOKS ON TAPE...
NOBODY DOES THAT ANYMORE.
WHY DON'T YOU BE A
COMPANION TO THE ELDERLY?
[sighs]
THEY'RE LIKE GOLDFISH...
AS SOON AS YOU GET
ATTACHED, THEY JUST DIE.
NO, THERE'S AN EASIER WAY
TO GET GOD'S ATTENTION
AND I THINK I KNOW
EXACTLY WHAT IT IS.
WHAT IS IT? WILL
YOU MAKE ME A HAT?
[scoffs]
HOW ARE YOU GONNA GET
GOD'S ATTENTION WITH A HAT?
HE LOOKS DOWN ON US
FROM ABOVE.
HELLO? THE FIRST THING
HE SEES IS YOUR HAT.
YOUR HAT?
YEAH, 'CAUSE
WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT,
ALL THE TOP RELIGIOUS GUYS
HAVE HATS.
POPE... BIG HAT.
RABBIS... BIG, FURRY HAT.
REVEREND AL SHARPTON...
HUGE HAIR HELMET.
BOTTOM LINE,
GOD LOVES A KOOKY HAT.
ALL RIGHT, I GUESS, SINCE WE
DON'T DO ANYTHING ANYWAYS.
WHAT KIND OF HAT DO YOU WANT?
I WANT SOMETHING
THAT'S WARM AND HUMBLE,
THAT SAYS,
"HEY, GOD, I'M YOUR MAN."
[chuckles] OKAY, I'LL TRY.
BUT FIRST, YOU'VE GOT
TO DO SOMETHING FOR ME.
ANYTHING.
GOT TO GIVE ME A
KISS.
[sighs]
A-A-A-AH!
OW!
[groans]
OHH!
GET... ICE... NOW.
[baby crying]
♪ ROCK A BYE, BABY,
ON THE TREE TOP ♪
[baby crying]
♪ WHEN THE WIND BLOWS
THE CRADLE WILL ROCK ♪
♪ WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS
THE CRADLE WILL FALL ♪
♪ AND DOWNCRADLE AND
BABY ALL ♪
BOY, HE SURE IS
FUSSY.
I KNOW, I'VE BEEN SINGING
TO HIM FOR HALF AN HOUR,
HE JUST KEEPS
CRYING.
LET ME TRY.
OH, JUNIOR,
PLEASE.
IF HE WON'T QUIET FOR ME,
YOU DON'T HAVE A CHANCE.
DOESN'T HURT
TO TRY, DOES IT?
OKA
Y.
THANK YOU.
[chuckles]
HEY, LITTLE
MAN.
♪ GWHY YOU WANNA HURT
UNDERSTAME ♪
♪ AFTERI'VE DONE FOR
THINGYOU ♪
CHAMPAGNE AND GAVE
ROSES ♪ YOU
♪ WITH DIAMONDS ON YOUR FINGER ♪
♪ DIAMONDS ON YOUR
FINGER ♪
♪ STILL YOU HANG OUT ALL NIGHT ♪
♪ WHAT AM I TO
DO? ♪
♪ MY BABY WANTS
TO ♪
♪ PARTY ALL THE TIME,
PARTY ALL THE TIME ♪
♪ PARTY ALL THE TIME ♪
♪ MY BABY WANTS
TO ♪
♪ PARTY ALL THE TIME,
PARTY ALL THE TIME ♪
[gasping]
♪ WOO HOO
HOO ♪
OH, MY
GOSH.
HE'S
SEE? ASLEEP.
THE BABY JUST APPRECIATES
GOOD SINGING, THAT'S ALL.
GOOD
GOOD MORNING. MORNING.
[laughs]
HOW'D YOU SLEEP?
OH, NOT TOO WELL,
MICHAEL, NOT TOO WELL.
AND TURNED ALL
NIGHT.D
YOU DID?
I SURE DID.
WOW.
AND I WOKE UP WITH MY
SLIP AROUND MY ANKLES.
THAT'S STRANGE, 'CAUSE I
WOKE UP WITH MY DRAWERS OFF.
MICHAEL...
DID I NOT TELL YOU THAT WE
WERE NOT HAVING SEX TOGETHER?
DID I NOT TELL YOU
THAT?
WE DID NOT...
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
I JUST... PEEKED...
TOOK A COUPLE OF
PICTURES...
OKAY!
SANG IT A LITTLE LULLABY.
NO, NO,
NO.
REGARDLESS, I WANT YOU
SLEEPING ON THE COUCH
UNTIL THIS ISSUE IS RESOLVED.
SNEAKING YOUR LITTLE PEEKS.
OH, COME ON...
AND THE PICTURES.
BUT LISTEN, WHAT
THE...
LOOK, BABY, YOU
CAN'T BE SERIOUS.
MICHAEL, I AM SO SERIOUS.
I'M NOT TAKING
ANY CHANCES WITH YOU.
I'M LOCKING THE DOOR!
THERE'S GOT TO BE
A BETTER SOLUTION
THAN FOR ME TO GET
CUT.
BABY, YOU EITHER GET CUT
OR YOU GETS CUT OFF
FROM ALL OF THIS
AND SOME OF THAT, TOO.
I AM SO SERIOUS
ABOUT THIS, MICHAEL.
WHY?
WHY? BECAUSE I HAD MY THREE
CHILDREN ALREADY, MICHAEL!
AND I HAD TO WATCH MY BODY
BECOME DEMOLISHED!
I SUFFERED,
TOO.
HOW IN THE HELL
DID YOU SUFFER?!
YOUR BODY GETHAD TO
DEMOLISHED! CH
AND WHY ARE YOU DOING ALL THAT?
AND I HAD TO WAIT AND HOPE
THAT IT GOT REBUILT, AND IT DID.
IT'S PERFECT, AND I CAN'T
KEEP MY HANDS OFF IT.
LET ME SHOW YOU
SOME PICTURES. NO!
THERE'S NO OTHER
WAY?
NO, THERE'S NO OTHER WAY.
ALL RIGHT, JAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
THIS GOES AGAINST
EVERY INSTINCT IN MY BODY.
BUT IF YOU WANT TO EMASCULATE ME
AND TURN ME INTO
SOME FLAMING EUNUCH...
I'LL DO
IT.
OOH, THANK YOU!
THANK YOU, BABY!
THANK YOU!
[Cuban accent] SAY GOODBYE
TO MY LITTLE FRIEND.
[sighs]
HEY!
TODAY'S THE DAY
OF YOUR BIG APPOINTMENT!
YEAH, THANKS FOR REMINDING ME.
IT'S NOT GONNA BE BIG ANYMORE.
OH, MICHAEL,
IT'S GONNA GO WELL.
WILL YOU STOP BEING SO DRAMATIC?
WHAT TIME IS YOUR
APPOINTMENT, ANYWAY?
[knife cuts
OH! loudly]
AT NOON.
[knife chopping]
WHAT KIND OF
APPOINTMENT IS IT, DAD?
IT'S A DOCTOR'S
APPOINTMENT.
OH, WHAT ARE YOU HAVING DONE?
SOME OF THAT.
HMM.
BABY, YOU SHOULD GET
THERE REALLY, REALLY EARLY.
IT'LL BE OVER BEFORE
YOU KNOW IT... SNIP, SNIP.
HEY, MOM, I'VE NEVER
MADE A HAT BEFORE.
SHOULD I CUT AOFF OFE
MORE THIS?
YEAH, YOU KNOW
WHAT? IT COULDN'T HURT.
JUST CUT A LITTLE
OFF AT THE END.
I'LL JUST RIP THIS PART.
OHH!
OOH, THE
TIP CAME OFF.
I CUT TOO
MUCH.
THAT'S
OKAY.
THAT'S OKAY.
WE DON'T NEED THAT.
AW.
WE DON'T... DO IT
AGAIN.
AHH!
ALL RIGHT, OKAY.
THEY'RE ALL THE SAME.
THERE YOU GO.
WAIT, NOT THIS ONE...
THIS ONE'S TOO SMALL.
[laughter]
AH, JUST THROW IT
AWAY. YEAH.IT'S USELESS.
[laughter]
JAY, I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!
WHAT? MICHAEL, WHOA!
I CANNOT DO THIS!
WHOA, WHOA, MICHAEL!
I'M NOT GONNA DO IT! WHOA! WHOA!
YOU HAVE TO DO THIS.
WHAT IF SOMETHING
GOES WRONG, JAY? HUH?
WHAT IF THE DOCTOR
SLIPS
AND IT BECOMES USELESS,
AND HE TOSSES IT AWAY?
OH, COME ON,
WHAT COULD GO WRONG?
WHAT COULD GO
WRONG?
IN THE MIDDLE OF THEWER
SURGERY? AGE
I COULD GO FROM "MIKE" TO
"MONK" IN LESS THAN A MINUTE.
THAT CAN'T HAPPEN, MICHAEL,
BECAUSE HOSPITALS
HAVE BACKUP GENERATORS.
YEAH? WELL, I DON'T HAVE
A BACKUP GENERATOR.
ALL I GOT IS THIS ONE.
AND I'D LIKE TO
KEEP HIM GENERATING
FOR AS LONG AS HE'S
BEEN GENERATING.
'CAUSE I GOT
USED TO HIM, JAY.
I KNOW HIM LIKE
BACK OF MY HAND.
AND THE FRONT...
AND RIGHT HERE.
MICHAEL, NOTHING
IS GONNA GO WRONG.
IT'S A ROUTINE
PROCEDURE.
BESIDES, WHEN
YOU'RE DONE WITH THIS,
WE HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
BUCK WILD UP INNA
HERE. GET
BUCKETY-BUCK-BUCK WILD?
OH, BABY,
'CAUSE YOU'RE GONNA BE
ABLE TO GET ALL OF THIS,
ALL THE
TIME.
ALL OF THAT,
ALL THE TIME?
ALL OF
THIS...
ALL THE
TIME.
WHOA.
ALL RIGHT, LET ME CONSULT
WITH THE PRINCE RIGHT HERE.
[sighs]
HEY, LOOK, THAT'S...
YOU CAN'T BEAT
ALL OF THAT, ALL THE TIME.
THIS IS A PRIVATE
CONVERSATION, ME AND MY MAN.
LOOK, MAN, HOW MANY
TIMES I GOT TO...
WHAT ELSE YOU WANT?
[sighs]
[clears throat]
HE WANTS TO SEE "ALL OF
THIS, ALL THE TIME" AGAIN.
ALL OF
THIS...
RIGHT.
ALL THE
TIME.
ALL THAT, MAN.
YOU SEE? ALL THAT.
WE'RE IN.
GOOD! OKAY, OKAY.
SO, BABY, WHEN YOU
START TO GET NERVOUS...
YE
AH?
YOU JUST GO AHEAD,
AND YOU THINK
"ALL OF THIS,
ALL THE TIME."
ALL OF THAT, ALL THE
GO ON, GO ON. TIME.
HEY, YOU WANT TO
KISS US GOODBYE?
GOODBYE, MICHAEL.
[kisses]
NOW, REMEMBER,
KEEP USING THE ICE.
[high-pitched voice]
OKAY, I WILL.
MICHAEL
KYLE.
[high-pitched voice]
HERE.
[normal voice] I MEAN,
AHEM, HERE. HERE.
DR. SHAKEY WILL SEE YOU NOW.
DOCTOR WHO?
SHAKEY.
WOULD YOU RATHER SEE
DR. HATCHETT?
IS THERE ANYBODY
ELSE?
WELL, DR. HACKENTOSS
IS AVAILABLE.
NO, YOU KNOW, I'LL
GO WITH SHAKEY.
I'LL GO WITH
SHAKEY.
HI, I'M DR. SHAKEY.
IS THAT YOUR REAL
NAME?
NO, IT'S A NICKNAME.
MY REAL NAME IS TRIMBLE.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
IT'S NICE TO MEET
YOU. THAT'S... WHOA.
WHOA.
[laughter]
OH, THIS?
DON'T WORRY,
I OPERATE WITH THIS HAND.
IT'S THE CAFFEINE.
HERE'S YOUR COFFEE,
DOC... TRIPLE ESPRESSO.
IT'S NOT DECAF, IS IT?
OF COURSE
HOW MANY SUGARS? NOT.
SIX...
TEEN.
PERFECT.
UH, HERE.
UH, I COULD USE A HAND.
YEAH, YEAH.
WHOA, HEY, HOLD ON.
AAH, AAH! IT'S HOT!
THAT'S HOT!
THAT'S HOT!
HOT! HOT!
BURNING HOT!
OH, I BURNED MYSELF.
NOW I'M GONNA HAVE TO
OPERATE WITH THIS HAND.
ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN DO THIS?
ABSOLUTELY.
FIRST, THE NURSE WILL GET
YOU SHAVED AND PREPPED.
I'LL BE BACK IN TWO
SHAKES.
OKAY.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO
STAND BACK WHILE I DISROBE.
[chuckles]
NOT YET.
TIFFANY?
OH, TIFFANY? SHE GONNA
BRING IN THE TROOPS.
[chuckles]
TIFFANY? YEA
H?
SHAVE AND PREP MR.
KYLE.
WHOA!
DROP YOUR
DRAWERS.
I'M... BUT... I... YOU WANT
ME TO DO IT FOR YOU?
NO, TIFF!
TIFF, NO!
NO. I-I CAN HANDLE IT MYSELF.
I'VE BEEN HANDLING
IT MY WHOLE LIFE.
THAT'S VERY FUNNY.
BUT I AIN'T GOT TIME
FOR THAT, ALL RIGHT?
[groaning]
OH, MY GOD! MICHAEL, I
DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE HOME!
[gasps] ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
I THINK SO.
IT WAS SO PAINFUL, JAY.
OH, BABY, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.
YOU'RE SO... YOU'RE SO BRAVE.
I KNOW I AM. I AM
BRAVE.YES, YOU ARE!
AND JUST REMEMBER,
BABY,
WHEN YOU'RE ALL BETTER,
YOU GET ALL OF THIS.
WELL, BABY, ANYWAY, HOW
LONG IS YOUR RECOVERY TIME?
THE DOCTOR SAID
I'M GONNA HAVE TO ABSTAIN
FOR AT LEAST SIX
OR SEVEN HOURS.
HOURS?
YEAH.
DON'T YOU MEAN
DAYS?
NO, THAT'S BACK
IN THE OLD TIME
WHEN THEY USED PLIERS
AND A FISH KNIFE.
NOW THEY GOT LASERS
AND A LAPTOP.
THEY DID "FFZT!"
AND IT'S DONE.
REALLY?
YEAH.
WITH A LASER, APPED
MICHAEL? YOU
YEAH, THEY DID.
FROM THE INSIDE, SO THERE'S NO
SCARRING, JUST A BIG BALD SPOT.
FROM THE INSIDE? HOW
DID THEY DO THAT, MICHAEL?
SEE, THEY GO IN THROUGH
THE NAVEL, RIGHT?
AND THEN THEY SEND A CAMERA
BEHIND THE ESOPHAGUS
AND THEY JUST HIDE THERE,
RIGHT?
AND THEN WHEN THE PENIS
AIN'T LOOKING, THEY POUNCE ON IT.
AND THEY HOG-TIE IT, AND
THEN THEY DONE, LIKE THAT.
WOW! THEN, WHAT'S THE ICE FOR?
OH, THAT'S FOR THE SWELLING.
THE UNWANTED SWELLING.
OHH... SO, UH, YOU
THINK BY, UH, TONIGHT...
OH, YEAH.
OH, YEAH, WE GONNA...
TONIGHT, IT GOES DOWN.
OH, MICHAEL, I'M
SO PROUD OF YOU.
YOU JUST DON'T KNOW
HOW THAT MAKES ME FEEL.
I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER, BABY!
I'M GONNA LET YOU
SHOW ME LATER.
[giggling]
ARE YOU READY?
YEAH, I'M EXCITED.
CLAIRE, I WANT YOU TO KNOW
HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE
YOU DOING THIS FOR ME.
OH, YOU'RE WELCOME.
I HOPE YOU LIKE IT.
OKAY, CLOSE YOUR
EYES.
ALL RIGHT.
TA-DA!
[giggles]
WELL, IT FEELS GOOD.
[nervous laughter]
TAKE A
LOOK.
WOW!
THIS IS AMAZING.
OH, IT'S EVERYTHING
I DREAMT IT WOULD BE.
CAN YOU...
[cries] IMAGINE...
I... HOLD ON.
WHAT KIND OF WORLD
WE WOULD LIVE IN
IF EVERYONE HAD A HAT
LIKE THIS?
YEAH... IT'D BE
GREAT, ALL RIGHT,
AS LONG AS I DIDN'T
HAVE TO MAKE THEM ALL.
NOW... W-WHAT DOES THAT SAY?
YNOT EM S'TI DOG IH?
WHAT IS THAT?
IS THAT GERMAN?
NO, IT'S
BACKWARDS.
IT SAYS, "HI, GOD,
IT'S ME, TONY."
YOU SAID WHEN GOD LOOKS DOWN,
THE FIRST THING HE
SEES IS YOUR HAT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
OH, THANK YOU, CLAIRE.
AHH, I'M GONNA BE THE ENVY
OF EVERY KID AT BIBLE CAMP.
WAIT, I THOUGHT YOU SAID
IT WAS A SIN TO BE ENVIOUS.
YEAH, WELL,
IT'S THEIR SIN, NOT MINE.
IT'S GONNA
MAKE ME LOOK GOOD.
GEE, TONY, THAT
DOESN'T SOUND RIGHT.
TRICKING THE OTHER CAMPERS
SO GOD WILL LIKE YOU MORE?
TO HELL WITH THEM, CLAIRE.
THIS IS ABOUT BEING
GOD'S FAVORITE.
IF THIS HAT DOES THAT,
SO BE IT.
I DON'T THINK YOU
SHOULD TRY TO TRICK GOD.
CLAIRE, YOU STICK
TO MAKING HATS,
AND I'LL DEAL WITH
THE MAN UPSTAIRS.
HA, HA, HA,
HA,
HA, HA, HA,
HA, HA!
[laughing uproariously]
[baby crying]
JUNIOR!
[baby crying]
♪ WHEN I WAS
JUST A LITTLE GIRL ♪
♪ I ASKED MY MOTHER
WHAT WILL I BE? ♪
♪ WILL I BE PRETTY... ♪
[baby crying]
[sighs]
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
YOU WANT IT?
YOU GOT IT!
♪ MY BOY WANTS TO
PARTY ALL THE TIME ♪
♪ PARTY ALL THE TIME,
PARTY ALL THE TIME ♪
♪ MY BOY WANTS TO
PARTY ALL THE TIME ♪
♪ PARTY ALL THE TIME ♪
♪ WOO-HOO-HOO-HOO ♪
[whispers]
YES.
HEY, YOU READY?
[chuckles]
LET ME CHECK WITH
MY LITTLE COMPADRE.
YEP, HE
READY.
[laughter]
OOH!
MICHAEL, OH, MY GOD,
I AM SO MUCH MORE EXCITED
NOW THAT I HAVE NOTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT.
OH, YOU'RE IN MY AREA.
LOOK, THE TOES ARE CURLING!
MICHAEL, I FEEL SO TOTALLY
FREE AND UNINHIBITED.
I SEE.
UM, WAIT.
HEY, JAY, WHOA. STOP A SECOND.
WHAT? YOU WANT NURSE JAY
TO TAKE A LOOK AT IT?
WHOA!
WANT HER TO GIVE
YOU A LITTLE SPANKING?
YEAH, I DO, BUT...
BUT YOU BETTER NOT.
LISTEN. LISTEN.
WHAT?
JAY?
YES?
I DIDN'T
DO IT.
I COULDN'T GO
THROUGH WITH IT, BABY.
OH, MY GOD! GET THAT
THING AWAY FROM ME!
NO, LISTEN,
JAY!
THE WHOLE THOUGHT
OF IT
MADE ME FEEL LIKE
I'M LESS THAN A MAN,
LIKE I'D BE FIRING BLANKS
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
I'M SORRY! YOU SHOULD
BE SORRY, MICHAEL!
BABY, DON'T BE ANGRY.
LOOK, TRY TO UNDERSTAND.
FOR A GUY, IT'S DIFFERENT.
WOMEN GO TO DOCTORS
ALL THE TIME.
IT'S LIKE HAVING AN ENTIRE
PIT CREW DOWN THERE.
FOR A GUY,
YOU GET ONE EXAM.
YOU KNOW,
WHEN YOU'RE A KID, 15.
THE DOCTOR SAYS, "TURN YOUR
HEAD AND COUGH," AND THAT'S IT.
AND YOU DON'T GO BACK
UNTIL THERE'S BLOOD
OR FIRE SHOOTING OUT.
OH,
MICHAEL!
IT'S TRUE!
YOU ARE EXAGGERATING SO
BAD RIGHT NOW... YOU REALLY ARE!
FOR A MAN...
THIS IS ALL I GOT!
SELFISH, OU ARE
MICHAEL! SO
OH, I'M BEING SELFISH? YES!
OKAY, WHAT ABOUT
THIS?
GOD FORBID YOU
DIE,
AND I END UP WITH SOME HOT,
25-YEAR-OLD SOUTH BEACH MODEL.
HUH? AND SHE WANTS
TO HAVE MY KIDS.
WHAT DO I TELL HALLE,
JAY? WHAT DO I SAY TO HER?
YOU SAY YOU HAVE SOME KIDS
OF YOUR OWN, MICHAEL.
OKAY, AND SPEAKING OF
KIDS, WHAT ABOUT JUNIOR?
WHAT IF HE TURNS OUT
TO BE A SERIAL KILLER?
'CAUSE YOU KNOW
HE GOT POTENTIAL.
THERE'S SOMETHING EVIL
IN THAT BIG HEAD OF HIS.
WHAT DO I TELL THE
SOUTH BEACH MODEL, HUH?
WHAT DO I SAY TO
HALLE?
TELL ME, JAY, WHAT
DO I TELL HALLE?
'CAUSE SHE'S GONNA WANT TO KNOW.
HALLE NEEDS
ANSWERS!
OKAY, YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU MAKE
A COMPELLING ARGUMENT.
I WILL GO MAKE MY APPOINTMENT
TO GET MY TUBES TIED TOMORROW,
SO YOU AND HALLE HAVE
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
NO, NO, BABY.
HOLD ON.
NO?
NO, I CAN'T. I'M NOT
GONNA LET YOU DO THAT.
REALLY,
YEAH. MICHAEL?
I'LL MAKE THE APPOINTMENT
FOR YOU.
I'LL JUST PICK UP... I'LL JUST
CALL AND SET EVERYTHING UP.
♪ HELLO, GOD, IT'S TONY
♪
♪ NOT SOME OTHER PHONY ♪
♪ PEOPLE ONLY CALL YOU ♪
♪ WHEN THEY NEED
A F-A-A-V-O-O-O-O-R ♪
[thunderclap, lightning strike]
[electricity buzzing]
HEY, YOU ALL SET? YEAH
.
LOOK, BABY, I'VE BEEN
THINKING ABOUT THIS, OKAY?
AND I WANT YOU TO CANCEL
THE WHOLE THING.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO GO
INTO THE HOSPITAL
AND HAVE TO GO THROUGH
ALL THAT TRAUMA.
IT'D BE MUCH EASIER FOR ME
JUST TO GET THE VASECTOMY.
TO HELL WITH HALLE.
IT DOESN'T MATTER
ANYMORE, MICHAEL.
WHY NOT?
'CAUSE I'M
PREGNANT.
[audience oohs]
OKAY,
WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT...
POPE... BIG, FURRY HAT.
RABBIS... BIG HAT.
WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT,
ALL THE TOP RELIGIOUS GUYS
HAVE HATS.
RABBIS... BIG F...
OH, MY GOD, OKAY.
YEAH, WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT
IT, ALL THE TOP GUYS HAVE HATS.
POPE... BIG HAT.
RABBIS... BIG, FURRY HAT.
OKAY, UH, UH, THE OTHER GUY,
AL SHARPTON... AL SHARPTON...
[laughs]
ME AND MY LITTLE FRIEND,
MY LIFE PARTNER...
WHO? LITTLE MICHAEL.
WHO? PRINCE MICHAEL.
WHO?
MIKEY.
MICHELANGEL
O.
THE ARTIST?
THAT'S RIGHT... FORMERLY
KNOWN AS RICHARD.
OH, MY GOD.
WH
AT?
OH, MY GOD, MICHAEL, READ
THIS. RIGHT HERE... READ THAT.
"67-YEAR-OLD WOMAN GIVES BIRTH."
OOH.
ISN'T THAT FRIGHTENING?
YEAH, WHO WOULD TAP
THAT?
HOW DO YOU LOOK AT A 67-YEAR-OLD
AND FEEL IT,
LIKE,
"MMM, YEAH, I'LL JUST
TAKE THAT LITTLE WIG OFF."
OHH! WOULD YOU STOP IT!
[laughs]
I'D TALK DIRTY INTO HER
HEARING AID... "WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHAT'D YOU SAY?" [laughs]
IT'S PROBABLY SOMEBODY
WHO LOVES HER, MICHAEL!
HEY, LOVE STOPS AT
55.
OHH!
WHEN THE BREASTS
DROP, THE LOVE STOPS.
OKAY.
MICHAEL, WHAT IF
THAT HAPPENED TO US?
I THINK WE NEED TO TAKE SOME
PRECAUTIONARY MEASURES.
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT,
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE SHOULD START
PRACTICING SAFE SEX.
I'LL JUST GO A LITTLE FASTER.
OKAY, BROTHER.
UH, NO, I DON'T THINK
YOU COULD GET ANY FASTER.
[laughs]
NO, NO, NO, NO.
YOU MUST MISUNDERSTAND ME
WHEN I SAY, "WE NEED TO TAKE
SOME PRECAUTIONARY MEASURES."
THAT MEANS YOU NEED TO TAKE
PRECAUTIONARY MEASURES.
THAT'S THE "WE"
I'M TALKING ABOUT.
OH, YOU MEAN THE WAY
WE BOUGHT THIS HOUSE,
AND WE BOUGHT THE
AND WE PAY ALL THE BILLS.
THAT "WE"?
I NEED TO CAUTION YOU FROM
GOING DOWN THAT "WE" ROAD.
THAT ROAD DOWN THERE,
THAT'S A DARK ROAD.
NO, SEE, WE WILL START
DOING THE COOKING,
WE WILL START CLEANING,
AND WE WILL BE GETTING UP
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
WHEN THE KIDS
ARE SICK, OKAY?
AND THAT DOES MEAN YOU...
YOU, YOU, YOU.
OKAY, SO WHY DON'T
WE TRY CONDOMS?
NO, BABY,
THAT'S NOT FOOLPROOF.
I DON'T WANT TO
END UP LIKE THIS.
TRUST ME, WHEN YOU TURN
67, I DON'T EVEN WANT TO SEE IT.
WILL YOU STOP IT!
COBWEBS.
[laughs]
TUMBLEWEEDS... TAKE A LOOK
AT THOSE. WILL YOU BE QUIET!
WHA
I'M BEING SERIOUS. T?
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? WE
NEED TO TAKE PRECAUTIONARY MEASURES!
OKAY, IT'S SO FUNNY THAT
THIS IS BROUGHT UP TODAY.
BECAUSE I'VE BEEN
THINKING ABOUT THIS LATELY,
AND I THINK YOU
NEED TO GET A VASECTOMY.
WHOA! HEY!
HELL, NO.
COME AGAIN?
THAT'S THE POINT,
OKAY?
ME AND MY FRIEND, MY REAL-LIFE
PARTNER, LITTLE MICHAEL...
WHO? PRINCE MICHAEL.
WHO? MICHELANGEL O.
THE ARTIST?
YEAH, YOU SEE THE KIDS HE MADE.
LOOK, HE DOES NOT
SHARP OBJECTS, OKAY?
WHY DON'T YOU JUST
GO GET YOUR TUBES TIED?
MICHAEL,
THAT'S A MAJOR OPERATION.
A VASECTOMY IS JUST
A LITTLE SNIP, SNIP.
OH, YOU KNOW
WHAT?
THERE'S NO SUCH
THING AS A SNIP, SNIP.
THAT'S LIKE SAYING
A LITTLE CHOP, CHOP,
OR A LITTLE STAB,
STAB,
OR A LITTLE KICK, KICK,
AROUND ON THE GROUND
AND SMASH IT AROUND AND
THROW IT UNDERNEATH THE CAR
AND DRIVE BACK AND
FORTH...
A LITTLE DRIVE,
DRIVE, SMASH, SMASH.
YOU KNOW, YOU ARE ACTING
LIKE A LITTLE BABY RIGHT NOW.
I CANNOT BELIEVE... LOOK... W HY?
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT
NOBODY MESSING AROUND
DOWN THERE EXCEPT
YOU?
FINE, THEN I'LL DO IT.
I'LL FIND THE SCISSORS
WHOA! HEY! WAIT!
SOME RUSTY, DUSTY,
CRUSTY, RS,
I HOPE YOU GET LOCKJAW, LIKE...
SHH!
WOMAN!
OKAY, MICHAEL,
FINE.
WOULD YOU AT LEAST THINK ABOUT
GETTING A VASECTOMY, PLEASE?
OKAY, I'LL GIVE IT
SOME THOUGHT.
I THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
NO, I'M NOT DOING IT.
FINE, THEN WE'RE NOT DOING IT.
HA!
FINE.
I'LL GO GET THE 67-YEAR-OLD.
SHE'S PUTTING OUT.
I'LL JUST TAKE THAT WIG
OFF.
EW!
[gagging]
[door bell rings]
HEY, TONY, WHAT'S
UP?
I HAD A TERRIBLE NIGHTMARE
LAST NIGHT.
ABOUT WHAT?
I'M ATHOW I'M GOING NEXT
KNOWWEEK.
YEAH.
AND I'M IN LINE WITH
ALL THE OTHER CAMPERS,
AND GOD'S JUDGING
US.
WELL, THAT'S WHAT HE DOES.
I KNOW, BUT HE WAS GIVING
THE OTHER CAMPERS ATTENTION.
I COULDN'T EVEN GET
HIM TO ACKNOWLEDGE ME.
DID YOU ACTUALLY
SEE GOD? OH, YEAH.
WHAT'D HE LOOK LIKE?
SAME AS ALWAYS...
FOREST WHITAKER.
THAT'S NOT THE POINT, THOUGH.
THE POINT IS, IS THAT
IT WAS TERRIFYING.
I'M THE MOST RELIGIOUS
PERSON AT BIBLE CAMP.
I'M THE MOST DEVOUT.
I MEAN, I NEVER SIN.
DO YOU EVER THINK OF ME
WHEN YOU'RE AT BIBLE CAMP?
SURE.
I MEAN, YOU'RE THE
BOMB.
BUT WHENEVER I DO, I JUST
SLAM MY HEAD INTO A WALL
UNTIL THOSE IMPURE
THOUGHTS GO AWAY.
YOU KNOW, LIKE THIS.
OW!
O-O-O-O-KAY.
WHY?
HAVE YOU LOOKED IN THE
MIRROR LATELY, CLAIRE?
OH, I KNOW WHAT YOU
MEAN.
ATTRACTIVE, AREN'T
UNI? LIEVABLY
YEAH, YOU'RE IRRESISTIBLE.
ANYBODY CAN RESIST
ANOTHER GIRL,
BUT I'M GETTING HUGE POINTS
FOR RESISTING YOU.
I MEAN, THE DEGREE OF
DIFFICULTY HERE IS ENORMOUS.
YOU ARE SO HOT!
A-A-A-AH!
OW!
[groans]
OHH!
PHEW!
LOOK, THE POINT IS,
IS I JUST NEED A WAY
TO GET GOD'S ATTENTION.
WHY DON'T YOU
FEED THE POOR?
EVERYBODY DOES THAT.
BESIDES, THEY GET HUNGRY AGAIN.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
READ TO THE BLIND?
BOOKS ON TAPE...
NOBODY DOES THAT ANYMORE.
WHY DON'T YOU BE A
COMPANION TO THE ELDERLY?
[sighs]
THEY'RE LIKE GOLDFISH...
AS SOON AS YOU GET
ATTACHED, THEY JUST DIE.
NO, THERE'S AN EASIER WAY
TO GET GOD'S ATTENTION
AND I THINK I KNOW
EXACTLY WHAT IT IS.
WHAT IS IT? WILL
YOU MAKE ME A HAT?
[scoffs]
HOW ARE YOU GONNA GET
GOD'S ATTENTION WITH A HAT?
HE LOOKS DOWN ON US
FROM ABOVE.
HELLO? THE FIRST THING
HE SEES IS YOUR HAT.
YOUR HAT?
YEAH, 'CAUSE
WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT,
ALL THE TOP RELIGIOUS GUYS
HAVE HATS.
POPE... BIG HAT.
RABBIS... BIG, FURRY HAT.
REVEREND AL SHARPTON...
HUGE HAIR HELMET.
BOTTOM LINE,
GOD LOVES A KOOKY HAT.
ALL RIGHT, I GUESS, SINCE WE
DON'T DO ANYTHING ANYWAYS.
WHAT KIND OF HAT DO YOU WANT?
I WANT SOMETHING
THAT'S WARM AND HUMBLE,
THAT SAYS,
"HEY, GOD, I'M YOUR MAN."
[chuckles] OKAY, I'LL TRY.
BUT FIRST, YOU'VE GOT
TO DO SOMETHING FOR ME.
ANYTHING.
GOT TO GIVE ME A
KISS.
[sighs]
A-A-A-AH!
OW!
[groans]
OHH!
GET... ICE... NOW.
[baby crying]
♪ ROCK A BYE, BABY,
ON THE TREE TOP ♪
[baby crying]
♪ WHEN THE WIND BLOWS
THE CRADLE WILL ROCK ♪
♪ WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS
THE CRADLE WILL FALL ♪
♪ AND DOWNCRADLE AND
BABY ALL ♪
BOY, HE SURE IS
FUSSY.
I KNOW, I'VE BEEN SINGING
TO HIM FOR HALF AN HOUR,
HE JUST KEEPS
CRYING.
LET ME TRY.
OH, JUNIOR,
PLEASE.
IF HE WON'T QUIET FOR ME,
YOU DON'T HAVE A CHANCE.
DOESN'T HURT
TO TRY, DOES IT?
OKA
Y.
THANK YOU.
[chuckles]
HEY, LITTLE
MAN.
♪ GWHY YOU WANNA HURT
UNDERSTAME ♪
♪ AFTERI'VE DONE FOR
THINGYOU ♪
CHAMPAGNE AND GAVE
ROSES ♪ YOU
♪ WITH DIAMONDS ON YOUR FINGER ♪
♪ DIAMONDS ON YOUR
FINGER ♪
♪ STILL YOU HANG OUT ALL NIGHT ♪
♪ WHAT AM I TO
DO? ♪
♪ MY BABY WANTS
TO ♪
♪ PARTY ALL THE TIME,
PARTY ALL THE TIME ♪
♪ PARTY ALL THE TIME ♪
♪ MY BABY WANTS
TO ♪
♪ PARTY ALL THE TIME,
PARTY ALL THE TIME ♪
[gasping]
♪ WOO HOO
HOO ♪
OH, MY
GOSH.
HE'S
SEE? ASLEEP.
THE BABY JUST APPRECIATES
GOOD SINGING, THAT'S ALL.
GOOD
GOOD MORNING. MORNING.
[laughs]
HOW'D YOU SLEEP?
OH, NOT TOO WELL,
MICHAEL, NOT TOO WELL.
AND TURNED ALL
NIGHT.D
YOU DID?
I SURE DID.
WOW.
AND I WOKE UP WITH MY
SLIP AROUND MY ANKLES.
THAT'S STRANGE, 'CAUSE I
WOKE UP WITH MY DRAWERS OFF.
MICHAEL...
DID I NOT TELL YOU THAT WE
WERE NOT HAVING SEX TOGETHER?
DID I NOT TELL YOU
THAT?
WE DID NOT...
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
I JUST... PEEKED...
TOOK A COUPLE OF
PICTURES...
OKAY!
SANG IT A LITTLE LULLABY.
NO, NO,
NO.
REGARDLESS, I WANT YOU
SLEEPING ON THE COUCH
UNTIL THIS ISSUE IS RESOLVED.
SNEAKING YOUR LITTLE PEEKS.
OH, COME ON...
AND THE PICTURES.
BUT LISTEN, WHAT
THE...
LOOK, BABY, YOU
CAN'T BE SERIOUS.
MICHAEL, I AM SO SERIOUS.
I'M NOT TAKING
ANY CHANCES WITH YOU.
I'M LOCKING THE DOOR!
THERE'S GOT TO BE
A BETTER SOLUTION
THAN FOR ME TO GET
CUT.
BABY, YOU EITHER GET CUT
OR YOU GETS CUT OFF
FROM ALL OF THIS
AND SOME OF THAT, TOO.
I AM SO SERIOUS
ABOUT THIS, MICHAEL.
WHY?
WHY? BECAUSE I HAD MY THREE
CHILDREN ALREADY, MICHAEL!
AND I HAD TO WATCH MY BODY
BECOME DEMOLISHED!
I SUFFERED,
TOO.
HOW IN THE HELL
DID YOU SUFFER?!
YOUR BODY GETHAD TO
DEMOLISHED! CH
AND WHY ARE YOU DOING ALL THAT?
AND I HAD TO WAIT AND HOPE
THAT IT GOT REBUILT, AND IT DID.
IT'S PERFECT, AND I CAN'T
KEEP MY HANDS OFF IT.
LET ME SHOW YOU
SOME PICTURES. NO!
THERE'S NO OTHER
WAY?
NO, THERE'S NO OTHER WAY.
ALL RIGHT, JAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
THIS GOES AGAINST
EVERY INSTINCT IN MY BODY.
BUT IF YOU WANT TO EMASCULATE ME
AND TURN ME INTO
SOME FLAMING EUNUCH...
I'LL DO
IT.
OOH, THANK YOU!
THANK YOU, BABY!
THANK YOU!
[Cuban accent] SAY GOODBYE
TO MY LITTLE FRIEND.
[sighs]
HEY!
TODAY'S THE DAY
OF YOUR BIG APPOINTMENT!
YEAH, THANKS FOR REMINDING ME.
IT'S NOT GONNA BE BIG ANYMORE.
OH, MICHAEL,
IT'S GONNA GO WELL.
WILL YOU STOP BEING SO DRAMATIC?
WHAT TIME IS YOUR
APPOINTMENT, ANYWAY?
[knife cuts
OH! loudly]
AT NOON.
[knife chopping]
WHAT KIND OF
APPOINTMENT IS IT, DAD?
IT'S A DOCTOR'S
APPOINTMENT.
OH, WHAT ARE YOU HAVING DONE?
SOME OF THAT.
HMM.
BABY, YOU SHOULD GET
THERE REALLY, REALLY EARLY.
IT'LL BE OVER BEFORE
YOU KNOW IT... SNIP, SNIP.
HEY, MOM, I'VE NEVER
MADE A HAT BEFORE.
SHOULD I CUT AOFF OFE
MORE THIS?
YEAH, YOU KNOW
WHAT? IT COULDN'T HURT.
JUST CUT A LITTLE
OFF AT THE END.
I'LL JUST RIP THIS PART.
OHH!
OOH, THE
TIP CAME OFF.
I CUT TOO
MUCH.
THAT'S
OKAY.
THAT'S OKAY.
WE DON'T NEED THAT.
AW.
WE DON'T... DO IT
AGAIN.
AHH!
ALL RIGHT, OKAY.
THEY'RE ALL THE SAME.
THERE YOU GO.
WAIT, NOT THIS ONE...
THIS ONE'S TOO SMALL.
[laughter]
AH, JUST THROW IT
AWAY. YEAH.IT'S USELESS.
[laughter]
JAY, I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!
WHAT? MICHAEL, WHOA!
I CANNOT DO THIS!
WHOA, WHOA, MICHAEL!
I'M NOT GONNA DO IT! WHOA! WHOA!
YOU HAVE TO DO THIS.
WHAT IF SOMETHING
GOES WRONG, JAY? HUH?
WHAT IF THE DOCTOR
SLIPS
AND IT BECOMES USELESS,
AND HE TOSSES IT AWAY?
OH, COME ON,
WHAT COULD GO WRONG?
WHAT COULD GO
WRONG?
IN THE MIDDLE OF THEWER
SURGERY? AGE
I COULD GO FROM "MIKE" TO
"MONK" IN LESS THAN A MINUTE.
THAT CAN'T HAPPEN, MICHAEL,
BECAUSE HOSPITALS
HAVE BACKUP GENERATORS.
YEAH? WELL, I DON'T HAVE
A BACKUP GENERATOR.
ALL I GOT IS THIS ONE.
AND I'D LIKE TO
KEEP HIM GENERATING
FOR AS LONG AS HE'S
BEEN GENERATING.
'CAUSE I GOT
USED TO HIM, JAY.
I KNOW HIM LIKE
BACK OF MY HAND.
AND THE FRONT...
AND RIGHT HERE.
MICHAEL, NOTHING
IS GONNA GO WRONG.
IT'S A ROUTINE
PROCEDURE.
BESIDES, WHEN
YOU'RE DONE WITH THIS,
WE HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
BUCK WILD UP INNA
HERE. GET
BUCKETY-BUCK-BUCK WILD?
OH, BABY,
'CAUSE YOU'RE GONNA BE
ABLE TO GET ALL OF THIS,
ALL THE
TIME.
ALL OF THAT,
ALL THE TIME?
ALL OF
THIS...
ALL THE
TIME.
WHOA.
ALL RIGHT, LET ME CONSULT
WITH THE PRINCE RIGHT HERE.
[sighs]
HEY, LOOK, THAT'S...
YOU CAN'T BEAT
ALL OF THAT, ALL THE TIME.
THIS IS A PRIVATE
CONVERSATION, ME AND MY MAN.
LOOK, MAN, HOW MANY
TIMES I GOT TO...
WHAT ELSE YOU WANT?
[sighs]
[clears throat]
HE WANTS TO SEE "ALL OF
THIS, ALL THE TIME" AGAIN.
ALL OF
THIS...
RIGHT.
ALL THE
TIME.
ALL THAT, MAN.
YOU SEE? ALL THAT.
WE'RE IN.
GOOD! OKAY, OKAY.
SO, BABY, WHEN YOU
START TO GET NERVOUS...
YE
AH?
YOU JUST GO AHEAD,
AND YOU THINK
"ALL OF THIS,
ALL THE TIME."
ALL OF THAT, ALL THE
GO ON, GO ON. TIME.
HEY, YOU WANT TO
KISS US GOODBYE?
GOODBYE, MICHAEL.
[kisses]
NOW, REMEMBER,
KEEP USING THE ICE.
[high-pitched voice]
OKAY, I WILL.
MICHAEL
KYLE.
[high-pitched voice]
HERE.
[normal voice] I MEAN,
AHEM, HERE. HERE.
DR. SHAKEY WILL SEE YOU NOW.
DOCTOR WHO?
SHAKEY.
WOULD YOU RATHER SEE
DR. HATCHETT?
IS THERE ANYBODY
ELSE?
WELL, DR. HACKENTOSS
IS AVAILABLE.
NO, YOU KNOW, I'LL
GO WITH SHAKEY.
I'LL GO WITH
SHAKEY.
HI, I'M DR. SHAKEY.
IS THAT YOUR REAL
NAME?
NO, IT'S A NICKNAME.
MY REAL NAME IS TRIMBLE.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
IT'S NICE TO MEET
YOU. THAT'S... WHOA.
WHOA.
[laughter]
OH, THIS?
DON'T WORRY,
I OPERATE WITH THIS HAND.
IT'S THE CAFFEINE.
HERE'S YOUR COFFEE,
DOC... TRIPLE ESPRESSO.
IT'S NOT DECAF, IS IT?
OF COURSE
HOW MANY SUGARS? NOT.
SIX...
TEEN.
PERFECT.
UH, HERE.
UH, I COULD USE A HAND.
YEAH, YEAH.
WHOA, HEY, HOLD ON.
AAH, AAH! IT'S HOT!
THAT'S HOT!
THAT'S HOT!
HOT! HOT!
BURNING HOT!
OH, I BURNED MYSELF.
NOW I'M GONNA HAVE TO
OPERATE WITH THIS HAND.
ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN DO THIS?
ABSOLUTELY.
FIRST, THE NURSE WILL GET
YOU SHAVED AND PREPPED.
I'LL BE BACK IN TWO
SHAKES.
OKAY.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO
STAND BACK WHILE I DISROBE.
[chuckles]
NOT YET.
TIFFANY?
OH, TIFFANY? SHE GONNA
BRING IN THE TROOPS.
[chuckles]
TIFFANY? YEA
H?
SHAVE AND PREP MR.
KYLE.
WHOA!
DROP YOUR
DRAWERS.
I'M... BUT... I... YOU WANT
ME TO DO IT FOR YOU?
NO, TIFF!
TIFF, NO!
NO. I-I CAN HANDLE IT MYSELF.
I'VE BEEN HANDLING
IT MY WHOLE LIFE.
THAT'S VERY FUNNY.
BUT I AIN'T GOT TIME
FOR THAT, ALL RIGHT?
[groaning]
OH, MY GOD! MICHAEL, I
DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE HOME!
[gasps] ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
I THINK SO.
IT WAS SO PAINFUL, JAY.
OH, BABY, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.
YOU'RE SO... YOU'RE SO BRAVE.
I KNOW I AM. I AM
BRAVE.YES, YOU ARE!
AND JUST REMEMBER,
BABY,
WHEN YOU'RE ALL BETTER,
YOU GET ALL OF THIS.
WELL, BABY, ANYWAY, HOW
LONG IS YOUR RECOVERY TIME?
THE DOCTOR SAID
I'M GONNA HAVE TO ABSTAIN
FOR AT LEAST SIX
OR SEVEN HOURS.
HOURS?
YEAH.
DON'T YOU MEAN
DAYS?
NO, THAT'S BACK
IN THE OLD TIME
WHEN THEY USED PLIERS
AND A FISH KNIFE.
NOW THEY GOT LASERS
AND A LAPTOP.
THEY DID "FFZT!"
AND IT'S DONE.
REALLY?
YEAH.
WITH A LASER, APPED
MICHAEL? YOU
YEAH, THEY DID.
FROM THE INSIDE, SO THERE'S NO
SCARRING, JUST A BIG BALD SPOT.
FROM THE INSIDE? HOW
DID THEY DO THAT, MICHAEL?
SEE, THEY GO IN THROUGH
THE NAVEL, RIGHT?
AND THEN THEY SEND A CAMERA
BEHIND THE ESOPHAGUS
AND THEY JUST HIDE THERE,
RIGHT?
AND THEN WHEN THE PENIS
AIN'T LOOKING, THEY POUNCE ON IT.
AND THEY HOG-TIE IT, AND
THEN THEY DONE, LIKE THAT.
WOW! THEN, WHAT'S THE ICE FOR?
OH, THAT'S FOR THE SWELLING.
THE UNWANTED SWELLING.
OHH... SO, UH, YOU
THINK BY, UH, TONIGHT...
OH, YEAH.
OH, YEAH, WE GONNA...
TONIGHT, IT GOES DOWN.
OH, MICHAEL, I'M
SO PROUD OF YOU.
YOU JUST DON'T KNOW
HOW THAT MAKES ME FEEL.
I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER, BABY!
I'M GONNA LET YOU
SHOW ME LATER.
[giggling]
ARE YOU READY?
YEAH, I'M EXCITED.
CLAIRE, I WANT YOU TO KNOW
HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE
YOU DOING THIS FOR ME.
OH, YOU'RE WELCOME.
I HOPE YOU LIKE IT.
OKAY, CLOSE YOUR
EYES.
ALL RIGHT.
TA-DA!
[giggles]
WELL, IT FEELS GOOD.
[nervous laughter]
TAKE A
LOOK.
WOW!
THIS IS AMAZING.
OH, IT'S EVERYTHING
I DREAMT IT WOULD BE.
CAN YOU...
[cries] IMAGINE...
I... HOLD ON.
WHAT KIND OF WORLD
WE WOULD LIVE IN
IF EVERYONE HAD A HAT
LIKE THIS?
YEAH... IT'D BE
GREAT, ALL RIGHT,
AS LONG AS I DIDN'T
HAVE TO MAKE THEM ALL.
NOW... W-WHAT DOES THAT SAY?
YNOT EM S'TI DOG IH?
WHAT IS THAT?
IS THAT GERMAN?
NO, IT'S
BACKWARDS.
IT SAYS, "HI, GOD,
IT'S ME, TONY."
YOU SAID WHEN GOD LOOKS DOWN,
THE FIRST THING HE
SEES IS YOUR HAT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
OH, THANK YOU, CLAIRE.
AHH, I'M GONNA BE THE ENVY
OF EVERY KID AT BIBLE CAMP.
WAIT, I THOUGHT YOU SAID
IT WAS A SIN TO BE ENVIOUS.
YEAH, WELL,
IT'S THEIR SIN, NOT MINE.
IT'S GONNA
MAKE ME LOOK GOOD.
GEE, TONY, THAT
DOESN'T SOUND RIGHT.
TRICKING THE OTHER CAMPERS
SO GOD WILL LIKE YOU MORE?
TO HELL WITH THEM, CLAIRE.
THIS IS ABOUT BEING
GOD'S FAVORITE.
IF THIS HAT DOES THAT,
SO BE IT.
I DON'T THINK YOU
SHOULD TRY TO TRICK GOD.
CLAIRE, YOU STICK
TO MAKING HATS,
AND I'LL DEAL WITH
THE MAN UPSTAIRS.
HA, HA, HA,
HA,
HA, HA, HA,
HA, HA!
[laughing uproariously]
[baby crying]
JUNIOR!
[baby crying]
♪ WHEN I WAS
JUST A LITTLE GIRL ♪
♪ I ASKED MY MOTHER
WHAT WILL I BE? ♪
♪ WILL I BE PRETTY... ♪
[baby crying]
[sighs]
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
YOU WANT IT?
YOU GOT IT!
♪ MY BOY WANTS TO
PARTY ALL THE TIME ♪
♪ PARTY ALL THE TIME,
PARTY ALL THE TIME ♪
♪ MY BOY WANTS TO
PARTY ALL THE TIME ♪
♪ PARTY ALL THE TIME ♪
♪ WOO-HOO-HOO-HOO ♪
[whispers]
YES.
HEY, YOU READY?
[chuckles]
LET ME CHECK WITH
MY LITTLE COMPADRE.
YEP, HE
READY.
[laughter]
OOH!
MICHAEL, OH, MY GOD,
I AM SO MUCH MORE EXCITED
NOW THAT I HAVE NOTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT.
OH, YOU'RE IN MY AREA.
LOOK, THE TOES ARE CURLING!
MICHAEL, I FEEL SO TOTALLY
FREE AND UNINHIBITED.
I SEE.
UM, WAIT.
HEY, JAY, WHOA. STOP A SECOND.
WHAT? YOU WANT NURSE JAY
TO TAKE A LOOK AT IT?
WHOA!
WANT HER TO GIVE
YOU A LITTLE SPANKING?
YEAH, I DO, BUT...
BUT YOU BETTER NOT.
LISTEN. LISTEN.
WHAT?
JAY?
YES?
I DIDN'T
DO IT.
I COULDN'T GO
THROUGH WITH IT, BABY.
OH, MY GOD! GET THAT
THING AWAY FROM ME!
NO, LISTEN,
JAY!
THE WHOLE THOUGHT
OF IT
MADE ME FEEL LIKE
I'M LESS THAN A MAN,
LIKE I'D BE FIRING BLANKS
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
I'M SORRY! YOU SHOULD
BE SORRY, MICHAEL!
BABY, DON'T BE ANGRY.
LOOK, TRY TO UNDERSTAND.
FOR A GUY, IT'S DIFFERENT.
WOMEN GO TO DOCTORS
ALL THE TIME.
IT'S LIKE HAVING AN ENTIRE
PIT CREW DOWN THERE.
FOR A GUY,
YOU GET ONE EXAM.
YOU KNOW,
WHEN YOU'RE A KID, 15.
THE DOCTOR SAYS, "TURN YOUR
HEAD AND COUGH," AND THAT'S IT.
AND YOU DON'T GO BACK
UNTIL THERE'S BLOOD
OR FIRE SHOOTING OUT.
OH,
MICHAEL!
IT'S TRUE!
YOU ARE EXAGGERATING SO
BAD RIGHT NOW... YOU REALLY ARE!
FOR A MAN...
THIS IS ALL I GOT!
SELFISH, OU ARE
MICHAEL! SO
OH, I'M BEING SELFISH? YES!
OKAY, WHAT ABOUT
THIS?
GOD FORBID YOU
DIE,
AND I END UP WITH SOME HOT,
25-YEAR-OLD SOUTH BEACH MODEL.
HUH? AND SHE WANTS
TO HAVE MY KIDS.
WHAT DO I TELL HALLE,
JAY? WHAT DO I SAY TO HER?
YOU SAY YOU HAVE SOME KIDS
OF YOUR OWN, MICHAEL.
OKAY, AND SPEAKING OF
KIDS, WHAT ABOUT JUNIOR?
WHAT IF HE TURNS OUT
TO BE A SERIAL KILLER?
'CAUSE YOU KNOW
HE GOT POTENTIAL.
THERE'S SOMETHING EVIL
IN THAT BIG HEAD OF HIS.
WHAT DO I TELL THE
SOUTH BEACH MODEL, HUH?
WHAT DO I SAY TO
HALLE?
TELL ME, JAY, WHAT
DO I TELL HALLE?
'CAUSE SHE'S GONNA WANT TO KNOW.
HALLE NEEDS
ANSWERS!
OKAY, YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU MAKE
A COMPELLING ARGUMENT.
I WILL GO MAKE MY APPOINTMENT
TO GET MY TUBES TIED TOMORROW,
SO YOU AND HALLE HAVE
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
NO, NO, BABY.
HOLD ON.
NO?
NO, I CAN'T. I'M NOT
GONNA LET YOU DO THAT.
REALLY,
YEAH. MICHAEL?
I'LL MAKE THE APPOINTMENT
FOR YOU.
I'LL JUST PICK UP... I'LL JUST
CALL AND SET EVERYTHING UP.
♪ HELLO, GOD, IT'S TONY
♪
♪ NOT SOME OTHER PHONY ♪
♪ PEOPLE ONLY CALL YOU ♪
♪ WHEN THEY NEED
A F-A-A-V-O-O-O-O-R ♪
[thunderclap, lightning strike]
[electricity buzzing]
HEY, YOU ALL SET? YEAH
.
LOOK, BABY, I'VE BEEN
THINKING ABOUT THIS, OKAY?
AND I WANT YOU TO CANCEL
THE WHOLE THING.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO GO
INTO THE HOSPITAL
AND HAVE TO GO THROUGH
ALL THAT TRAUMA.
IT'D BE MUCH EASIER FOR ME
JUST TO GET THE VASECTOMY.
TO HELL WITH HALLE.
IT DOESN'T MATTER
ANYMORE, MICHAEL.
WHY NOT?
'CAUSE I'M
PREGNANT.
[audience oohs]
OKAY,
WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT...
POPE... BIG, FURRY HAT.
RABBIS... BIG HAT.
WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT,
ALL THE TOP RELIGIOUS GUYS
HAVE HATS.
RABBIS... BIG F...
OH, MY GOD, OKAY.
YEAH, WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT
IT, ALL THE TOP GUYS HAVE HATS.
POPE... BIG HAT.
RABBIS... BIG, FURRY HAT.
OKAY, UH, UH, THE OTHER GUY,
AL SHARPTON... AL SHARPTON...
[laughs]
ME AND MY LITTLE FRIEND,
MY LIFE PARTNER...
WHO? LITTLE MICHAEL.
WHO? PRINCE MICHAEL.
WHO?
MIKEY.
MICHELANGEL
O.
THE ARTIST?
THAT'S RIGHT... FORMERLY
KNOWN AS RICHARD.