My Wife and Kids (2001–2005): Season 5, Episode 23 - Graduation Day - full transcript

OKAY, THIS IS A BIG DAY.

YOUR MOTHER'S
GRADUATING FROM COLLEGE

AND SHE'S REALLY STRESSED OUT.

SO I NEED YOU GUYS TO BE
ON YOUR BEST BEHAVIOR

AND HELP ME MAKE THIS DAY
RUN AS SMOOTHLY AS POSSIBLE.

DAD, YOU WORRY TOO MUCH.

EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE FINE.

I DON'T SEE
WHAT THE BIG DEAL IS.

I WASN'T NERVOUS WHEN
I GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU HAD
EIGHT YEARS TO PREPARE.

[ LAUGHS MOCKINGLY ]



NOW, LOOK.

YOUR MOTHER HAS WORKED
REALLY HARD FOR THIS,

AND WE'VE ALL
MADE SACRIFICES.

AND TODAY
WE'RE CELEBRATING THAT.

NOW, YOU ALL HAVE
YOUR ASSIGNMENTS, RIGHT?

JUNIOR, DID YOU PICK UP
THAT BEAUTY RECIPE MAKEUP

THAT YOUR MOTHER ASKED FOR?

GOT IT
AND PUT IT IN HER ROOM.

GOOD JOB.
Jay: AAH!

I KNOW THAT SOUND,
AND THAT'S NOT GOOD...

ESPECIALLY IF
I'M NOT IN THE ROOM.

WHAT HAPPENED?
WHAT HAPPENED?

THIS!

OH, MY GOD!



I MEAN, OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

IS IT THAT BAD?
NO... IS IT?

OF COURSE IT IS, MICHAEL!

LOOK AT ME!
MY FACE IS A SPLOTCHY MESS!

I LOOK LIKE I SHOULD BE
IN A "THRILLER" VIDEO.

NO, YOU DON'T.
YES, I DO.

NO, YOU DON'T.
YES, I DO.

WELL, DO THIS.

IT'S NOT A GOOD TIME, MICHAEL.

IT'S REALLY NOT A GOOD TIME
FOR ME RIGHT NOW.

I'M JUST TRYING
TO ADD SOME LEVITY.

OKAY, MICHAEL, THIS IS
A VERY SERIOUS PROBLEM!

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE
GRADUATING TODAY!

WELL, WHAT HAPPENED?

IT'S FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK
THAT QUESTION BECAUSE...

YOU REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED YOU

TO GO PICK UP
MY BEAUTY RECIPE MAKEUP?

BEAUTY RECIPE MAKEUP...
I GOT IT. YOU DIDN'T GET IT?

OH, I GOT IT.

OH, I GOT IT.
I WANT YOU TO READ THIS.

DOES THIS LOOK LIKE
"RECIPE" TO YOU?

"REST IN PEACE."

"REST IN PEACE."

"REST IN PEACE," MICHAEL.

THAT MAKEUP IS CADAVER MAKEUP.
IT'S FOR CORPSES.

THIS IS DEAD PEOPLE MAKEUP,
MICHAEL!

DEAD PEOPLE...
AND LOOK AT THIS.

THIS IS THE PART
THAT REALLY GETS ME.

IT TAKES ME OUT THE GAME.
OKAY, RIGHT HERE.

THIS SAYS "WORMPROOF,

MOSS RESISTANT,
MAGGOT REPELLENT."

"MAGGOT REPELLENT"!

WELL, LOOK,
IN ALL FAIRNESS TO ME, BABY,

I DIDN'T ACTUALLY
BUY IT MYSELF.

I DELEGATED
THE AUTHORITY TO JUNIOR,

AND HE WENT OUT... WHAT?

YOU GAVE JUNIOR THE AUTHORITY

OVER SOMETHING
THAT GOES ON MY FACE?

[ STAMMERS ] I-I-I...

LOOK AT MY FACE, MICHAEL!
LOOK AT MY FACE.

LOOK, LOOK, LOOK,
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.

OKAY, I DIDN'T THINK
ANYTHING COULD GO WRONG.

NO, YOU DIDN'T THINK, MICHAEL.
YOU DIDN'T THINK AT ALL!

I WAS DEAD WRONG.
LOOK AT MY FACE!

OH, LORD.

LOOK AT MY...

FACE!

OH, WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

WELL, CAN YOU DO THIS?
LOOK.

YOU BETTER RUN.

AND YOU BETTER RUN FAST!

OW!

Michael:
JUNIOR, GET IN HERE!

WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHAT HAPPENED?

I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT'S GOING ON.

YOUR MOTHER SENT DOWN
A LITTLE GIFT FOR JUNIOR.

OH, A GIFT,
AND IT'S NOT EVEN MY GRADUATION.

THAT'S RIGHT.
PICK A HAND, SON.

UH, THE LEFT?
THE LEFT?

OH, GUESS IT MUST
BE THE RIGHT.

THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S THE RIGHT.

WHAT DID HE DO?

THE BOY BOUGHT HIS MOTHER
DEAD PEOPLE'S MAKEUP.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

WHAT?

BOY, LET'S MAKE SURE YOU HAVEN'T
SCREWED UP ANYTHING ELSE.

DID YOU PICK UP THE CAMERA
AND GET YOUR MOTHER'S GIFT?

YES, I DID
EVERYTHING YOU ASKED, DAD,

EXCEPT FOR THOSE TWO THINGS.

THERE WASN'T
ANYTHING ELSE TO DO.

OH, UH,
YEAH, YEAH, THERE WAS.

[ LAUGHING ]

Shh, shh.

BOY, GO GET THE STUFF.

ALL RIGHT,
I'LL GET THE STUFF.

GO ON, GO ON.
GO ON, GIRL.

NOT THAT STUFF, BOY.

MMM, MMM, MMM, MMM,

MMM, MMM, MMM, MMM.

CLAIRE, LET'S PUT THIS THING
BACK ON TRACK, ALL RIGHT?

DID YOU PICK UP YOUR MOTHER'S
DRESS FROM THE TAILOR? CHECK.

DID YOU GET THE SHOES?
CHECK.

THE PURSE? THE EARRINGS?
CHECK.

HOW DID YOU PAY FOR IT?
CHECK.

[ LAUGHS ]

NO?

NO.

GO PICK UP YOUR MOTHER'S CAP
AND GOWN. HERE'S THE RECEIPT.

DON'T WORRY
ABOUT A THING, DAD.

OKAY.

[ SIGHS ]

IS THERE ANYTHING
I CAN DO, DADDY?

YES, WHY DON'T YOU GO
IN YOUR MOTHER'S ROOM

AND TELL HER
HOW BEAUTIFUL SHE LOOKS?

OKAY.

MOM, YOU LOOK...

AAH! AAH!

AAAAAAH!

ALL RIGHT, CRAIG.
I HOPE EVERYTHING GOES GOOD.

ALL RIGHT, BYE.

HEY, HOW DID IT GO?
TELL ME IT WENT WELL.

IT WENT WELL.
I GOT THE CAMERA.

YEAH, YEAH,
AND I GOT THE GIFT.

FROM THE LOOKS OF YOUR CLOTHES,
THAT'S NOT ALL YOU GOT.

PRINTING THAT
RECEIPT UP, BABY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.
YOU KNOW.

[ LAUGHING ]

OKAY.

PERFECT. THIS IS
EXACTLY THE ONE I ORDERED.

YES, IT IS BETTER
THAN PERFECT, DAD.

SEE, I THOUGHT
A DIAMOND-ENCRUSTED BRACELET

WOULD BE JUST
A TAD TOO PLAIN.

SO I TOOK THE LIBERTY
OF HAVING IT ENGRAVED.

OH, NO.
YOU DIDN'T.

WHY DOES EVERYBODY
ALWAYS SELL ME SHORT?

I CAN DO THINGS.
I DON'T ALWAYS SCREW UP.

I'M AFRAID
TO LOOK AT THIS.

DAD, ALL IT SAYS IS
"CONGRATULATIONS, MOM."

OH, WELL...

MY MOTHER IS NOT
GRADUATING FROM COLLEGE.

YOUR MOTHER IS.
MY WIFE IS GRADUATING.

NOT YOUR MAMA?
NOT MY MOTHER.

GUESS I SCREWED UP, HUH?

WELL, I GUESS THE GIFT
WILL HAVE TO BE FROM ME.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA GET HER?

OH, I ALREADY
GOT HER SOMETHING.

OOH,
THEN I'M OFF THE HOOK.

YES, YOU ARE.
WHICH HAND?

UH... HEY, HEY,

MOVING TOO FAST,
MOVING TOO FAST.

THE LEFT?

I CAN'T BELIEVE
HE'S GOING FOR THIS AGAIN.

I GUESS
IT MUST BE THE RIGHT.

OW!

HEY, WHAT KIND OF GIFT IS THAT
TO GIVE TO MY MAMA, HUH?!

COME ON, VANESSA.
LET'S GO.

HEY, HEY, HEY.
WHERE'S THE CAP AND GOWN?

SEE, I'M ONE STEP AHEAD
OF EVERYBODY ELSE.

I KNEW IF I WAS TO BRING THAT
CAP AND GOWN INTO THE HOUSE,

THAT SOMEBODY WAS GONNA
SPILL SOMETHING ON IT.

AND BESIDES,
I KNOW MOM SAYS SHE LIKES

WHEN CLOTHES ARE CARESSED BY
THE WIND AND KISSED BY THE SUN.

SO I LEFT IT OUTSIDE
ON THE SWING SET,

OUT OF HARM'S WAY.

GREAT.

ALL RIGHT, SOMEBODY AROUND HERE
IS THINKING.

HEY, DAD.
WHAT?

I JUST WANT TO APOLOGIZE
FOR MESSING UP EARLIER.

SO, TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU,
I TOOK THE INITIATIVE

OF TURNING ON THE SPRINKLER
SYSTEM FOR YOU NOW, SO...

NO, YOU DIDN'T.

HEY, DAD... 3, 2, 1.

[ SPRINKLER TURNS ON ]

WELL, NOW THAT I'M ON A ROLL,

I'M GONNA GO GIVE MY MAMA
HER DIAMOND-ENCRUSTED BRACELET.

HEY, MAMA!
LOOK WHAT I GOT YOU!

AAH!

[ SIGHS ]

OOH.

BABE, YOU WANT TO HEAR
SOMETHING FUNNY?

OH, MY EYE!
OH, MY GOD.

BABY, I'M SORRY.
LET ME SEE.

NO!
STAY AWAY FROM ME!

STAY AWAY FROM ME.

HYAH!

GET AWAY FROM ME.

EVERY TIME YOU COME NEAR ME,
SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS.

FIRST YOU PUT CORPSE CREAM
ALL OVER MY FACE.

NOW YOU PROBABLY GAVE ME
A BLACK EYE.

WHAT'S NEXT? YOU GONNA
THROW ME DOWN THE STAIRS?

SHAKE ME?
YOU GONNA SHAKE ME, IKE?

GONNA ROLL ME
DOWN THE RIVER?

HUH?

WHAT YOU GONNA DO, IKE?

YOU KNOW I WOULDN'T
INTENTIONALLY TRY TO HURT YOU.

NO... INTENTIONALLY, NO.

BUT SUBCONSCIOUSLY,

YOU'RE A HIT MAN WITH A CONTRACT
OUT ON ME, BROTHER.

YOU KNOW...

SOMETIMES I WISH
I WOULDN'T HAVE PAID

FOR ALL THOSE PSYCHOLOGY CLASSES
THAT YOU TOOK.

AHA! AHA!
"PAID."

FINALLY YOUR FACE CRACKS OPEN
AND THE LIZARD COMES OUT!

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING...

YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT
FACES NOW, 'CAUSE THAT...

[ STAMMERS ] BOY!

NOW, YOU NEVER EVER WANTED ME
TO GO TO COLLEGE, DID YOU?

NO, I DIDN'T.

UH-HUH, AND NOW
THAT I'M GRADUATING,

YOU'RE TAKING THIS OPPORTUNITY
TO MAKE A MOCKERY

OUT OF ALL THE WORK
THAT I'VE DONE.

THAT IS NOT TRUE.
THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG.

I AM PROUD OF YOU.

I'M SUPPORTING YOU,
ALL YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS.

OH, REALLY?

THEN WHAT'S MY CAP AND GOWN
DOING OUT IN THE SPRINKLERS?

[ Imitating Scooby Doo ]
RUH-ROH.

CLAIRE SAID THAT
IT WAS BEING KISSED BY THE SUN.

UH-HUH.
OH, IT'S ON NOW.

OH, NO, THE GLOVES COME OFF.

THERE IS NO DENYING

THAT YOU'RE TRYING
TO SABOTAGE MY DAY, MICHAEL.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORST PART
OF WHAT YOU'RE DOING?

YOU ARE TELLING ME
THAT YOU'RE NOT DOING

WHAT I CAN CLEARLY SEE
THAT YOU ARE DOING

WITH THE ONE GOOD EYE
I GOT LEFT!

[ SIGHS ]

WELL?
DON'T WORRY, DAD.

I TOOK CARE OF THE PROBLEM
WITH THE CAP AND GOWN.

I JUST PUT THE GOWN IN THE DRYER
AND THE CAP IN THE MICROWAVE...

WITH POPCORN.

DO YOU KNOW
THAT IT'S 100% COTTON?

ALL I KNOW IS IT WAS 100% WET.
THEY'LL BE FINE.

BESIDES, IF THEY SHRINK
A LITTLE, THEY SHRINK A LITTLE.

AT LEAST IT WILL BE DRY.

OOH! POPCORN.

HA HA.

HELLO, ALL.

HELLO, MUMFORD.
HOW'S IT GOING?

STUPENDOUSLY.

I JUST GOT BACK
FROM THE AUDITORIUM,

AND I RESERVED THE BEST
CAMERA POSITION AND SOME SEATS.

AND HOW
DID YOU MANAGE THAT?

WELL, I HAVE SOME PULL

AT THE
FRANKLIN ALOYSIUS MUMFORD HALL.

THEY NAMED A HALL AFTER YOU?

NOT JUST THE HALL,
THE WHOLE BUILDING.

I'M TELLING YOU,
THEY LIKE ME A HALL OF A LOT.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

ALL RIGHT,
MY GRANDFATHER PAID FOR IT.

HEY, FRANKLIN.

HELLO, MY LOVE.

DON'T YOU LOOK PRETTY
IN YOUR DRESS, KADY?

THAT'S REALLY CUTE.

IT DOESN'T MAKE ME LOOK FAT,
DOES IT?

WELL, ROSEBUD, IN MY EYES,

YOU'RE ALWAYS
THE PARADIGM OF PERFECTION.

BUT THAT DRESS DOES MAKE YOU
SEEM A TRIFLE ELEPHANTINE.

[ CRIES ]

WHAT DID I SAY?

WHAT DID YOU SAY?
WHAT DID YOU SAY, FRANKLIN?

EVEN I'M NOT THAT DUMB.

WHEN VANESSA WAS REALLY FAT,
I NEVER TOLD HER SO.

YOU THOUGHT I WAS FAT?

WELL, GOD,
EVERYBODY SAW THAT.

GOODNESS GRACIOUS.

THAT WAS... WHOO!

THAT SCARED ME.

GLAD IT CAME OFF.

THAT WASN'T FAT.

THAT WAS THE MASSIVE HEAD
OF YOUR CHILD

THAT DISTORTED MY BODY
AND MADE ME LOOK

LIKE I WAS STANDING IN FRONT
OF A FUN-HOUSE MIRROR!

OH, OH, BABY, I'M SORRY.

YOU WASN'T FAT.

I'M SORRY!

WHY DID YOU
SAY THAT TO KADY?

WELL, RELATIONSHIPS ARE BASED

ON LOVE
AND HONEST, OPEN COMMUNICATION.

SHE ASKED ME A QUESTION,
AND I ANSWERED HER TRUTHFULLY.

YOU KNOW WHAT...
YOU MAY BE A GENIUS,

BUT YOU DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT WOMEN.

SEE, THEY CAN
NEVER BE SKINNY ENOUGH.

WELL, HOW DO YOU PROPOSE
I RECTIFY THE SITUATION?

YOU GO UP THERE
AND YOU LIE LIKE A DOG.

AND THAT IS WHY YOU'LL NEVER
HAVE ANYTHING NAMED AFTER YOU,

BECAUSE THEY DON'T LIKE YOU
A HALL OF A LOT.

[ LAUGHS ]

HEY, BROTHER.

I KNOW WHEN MY JOKE BOMBS.

KADY, I'M SORRY.
PLEASE COME OUT AND TALK TO ME.

I CAN'T. MY BUTT
WON'T FIT THROUGH THE DOOR.

HONEY, I WAS KIDDING.
YOU'RE A SYLPH.

WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?
ARE YOU CALLING ME A FAT ELF?

NO, A SYLPH MEANS
A SLIM AND GRACEFUL WOMAN.

HOW DO I KNOW
YOU'RE NOT MAKING THAT UP?

BECAUSE, MY LOVE,
I CANNOT LIE.

OH, SO YOU DO THINK
I'M FAT.

NO.

YOU'RE NOT FAT, BUT THAT DRESS
JUST DOESN'T DO YOU JUSTICE.

REALLY?

YES, I MUCH PREFER YOU
IN THAT PINK SUN DRESS...

THE ONE THAT MAKES
YOUR EYES SPARKLE,

THE ONE THAT SHOWS OFF
YOUR SVELTE SILHOUETTE,

THE ONE THAT MAKES
MY HEART SKIP A BEAT,

THE ONE THAT MAKES MY...

YOU MEAN THIS ONE?

YEP, YEP,
THAT'S THE ONE.

YOU CALL ME FAT AGAIN,

AND I'LL TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY
PERMANENTLY.

YOU GOT IT?

NOW. LET'S GO.

[ SIGHS ]

IS HER EYE BLACK?

NO, IT'S NOT BLACK.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE
A REDDY KIND OF YELLOWY,

BLUISHY KIND OF UGLY,

ROCKY BALBOEY KIND OF...

PUS-Y, UH...

NOT ATTRACTIVE-Y
KIND OF THING.

IT WILL BE FINE, THOUGH.

JUNIOR, DID YOU GET
THE KEYS BACK?

YES, HERE YOU GO, DAD.
WHOA. HA HA.

WHOA.
NOW YOU SEE IT, NOW YOU DON'T.

THINK FAST.

NOW, BOY, WHY WOULD YOU WANT
TO GO AND DO THAT?

WELL, I WAS TRYING
TO IMPRESS YOU, DADDY!

ALL RIGHT,
NOBODY TOUCH ANYTHING.

LET ME GET THE KEYS
OUT OF THE DISPOSAL.

OKAY,
I'LL GET THE LIGHTS.

HEY, OW!

UH-OH.

BOY, OH...

[ SIGHS ]

YOU TRYING
TO IMPRESS ME AGAIN?

THERE GOES THE CAR KEYS.

WE CAN CALL A CAB.

WE CAN'T CALL A CAB.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW.

YOU KNOW,
IN SOME SORT OF WEIRD WAY,

I FEEL LIKE THIS WHOLE SITUATION
IS MY FAULT.

[ LAUGHS ]
NO, IT'S NOT.

COME ON.
WE'LL TAKE MY CAR.

HA HA. I'M CRAZY.

Jay:
READY OR NOT, HERE I COME!

OKAY, LOOK. HERE SHE COMES.
LET'S BE SUPPORTIVE.

DON'T LOOK HER IN THE EYE.

WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T LOOK
AT THE FACE, ALL RIGHT?

WE'LL JUST SMILE A LOT,
JUST SMILE AND ENCOURAGE.

HEY, BABY.

HEY.

WELL, HOW DO I LOOK?

[ NERVOUS LAUGHTER ]

Michael:
BOY, YOU KNOW,

MY, MY, MY.

YOU LOOK... YOU LOOK HERE,

LIKE YOU'RE HERE.

OKAY.

INCREDIBLE.
SHE LOOKS INCREDIBLE.

SO YOU CAN'T SEE WHERE THE SKIN
PEELED OFF MY FACE?

WHERE?

WELL,
A COUPLE OF PLACES.

[ LAUGHS NERVOUSLY ]

SEE, THAT'S IT.
HE SPEAKS FOR ALL OF US.

YEAH.

WHAT ABOUT MY BLACK EYE?
DO YOU SEE THE BLACK EYE?

BECAUSE I WAS WORRIED
ABOUT THE MAKEUP.

WHAT BLACK EYE?

NO...
WELL, A LITTLE BIT.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT IT SAYS?

IT SAYS, "I FOUGHT
TO GET WHERE I'M AT."

YEAH, YOU JUST,
"HEY, GET BACK, JACK."

SO I DON'T LOOK HORRIBLE,
GUYS, SERIOUSLY?

HOW COULD YOU LOOK HORRIBLE
WITH A BLACK EYE AND YOUR...

YOU SAID I DIDN'T HAVE
A BLACK EYE.

NO, YOU HAVE A, UM, A, UH,

A BLACK KIND OF FOCUSED
LOOK IN YOUR EYE.

YEAH, IT'S SAYING,
"STAY AWAY FROM ME, JACK."

"I'M A TOUGH COOKIE."

I LIKE THAT.
I LIKE THAT.

SO YOU KNOW WHAT?

LET'S GET THE CAP AND GOWN
AND GET OUT OF HERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YEAH.

AND WOULD YOU STOP IT?

[ LAUGHS NERVOUSLY ]

ALL RIGHT, KIDS,
LET'S GO!

AND BABY, I MUST SAY...

YOUR HAIR LOOKS GREAT.

THANK YOU, BABY,

'CAUSE THAT'S THE ONE THING
THAT I'M REALLY PROUD OF.

THANK YOU.

OH, WAIT,
DID YOU FORGOT SOMETHING?

HERE.
COME ON, LET'S GO.

BUT...

Man:
...SUSAN M. FRANK...

IT'S NOT MY FAULT.
I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU BETTER GET A DAMN TOP
FOR THAT CAR, JUNIOR.

YEAH, AND MAYBE A WINDSHIELD
WOULD HELP, TOO.

LOOK AT ME.
I LOOK LIKE TINA TURNER.

YEAH, RIGHT AFTER IKE
GOT THROUGH WITH HER.

BOY, YOU'RE NOT HELPING.

AND LOOK AT MY CAP AND GOWN.

IT LOOKS LIKE
KADY SHOULD BE WEARING THIS.

I WOULDN'T BE CAUGHT
WEARING THAT.

BUT IT LOOKS GOOD
ON YOU.

[ Sobbing ]
I HEARD YOU. I HEARD YOU.

HEY, DON'T CRY.
DON'T CRY.

LOOK, IF YOU KEEP CRYING,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
A MUDSLIDE ON YOUR FACE.

I CAN'T DO THIS, MICHAEL.
KIDS, GO INSIDE.

I CAN'T DO THIS, MICHAEL.

HEY, HEY. LISTEN... WHAT DO
YOU MEAN, YOU CAN'T DO THIS?

LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT MY HAIR,
MY MAKEUP, MY FACE.

I'M THE UGLIEST WOMAN IN
FRANKLIN ALOYSIUS MUMFORD HALL.

SO WHAT?

I MEAN, SO...

WHAT I'M SAYING IS,

WITH YOUR BLACK EYE
AND YOUR ZOMBIE FACE

AND YOUR
HAND-GRENADE HAIRSTYLE,

YOU ARE STILL
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

I'VE EVER LAID EYES ON.

REALLY?
YES.

YOU GOTTA GO IN THERE, JAY.

I MEAN, YOU EARNED THIS DAY.

THIS IS YOUR BRASS RING.

YOU GOTTA GO UP THERE
AND GRAB IT.

OH, MICHAEL.

Man:
...JANET MARIE KYLE...

I LOVE YOU.

WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO,
GOT TO DO WITH IT?

JANET MARIE KYLE.

GET OUT OF MY WAY.

OH!

I BROKE MY SHOE.

HEY, THERE SHE GOES.

SHE LOOKS BEAUTIFUL, HUH?
HEY, THAT'S MY WIFE.

SORRY.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
EXCUSE ME.

I KNOW I'M NOT SUPPOSED
TO MAKE SPEECHES,

BUT THERE'S JUST ONE THING
I NEED TO SAY, OKAY?

HI.

YOU KNOW...

I'M JUST ONE OR TWO YEARS OLDER
THAN MOST OF YOU GRADUATES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO, IT'S TRUE.
NO, IT'S REALLY... THAT'S FUNNY.

AND, UH...

THIS EXPERIENCE HAS BEEN
COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FOR ME.

IT'S CHANGED MY LIFE
FOR THE BETTER.

YOU KNOW,
GOING BACK TO SCHOOL...

[ Sobbing ] WHEN YOU HAVE
A HUSBAND AND KIDS...

I SAID I WASN'T GONNA DO THIS.

GOING BACK TO SCHOOL WHEN
YOU HAVE A HUSBAND AND KIDS...

MIGHT SEEM IMPOSSIBLE,

UNLESS YOU HAVE
MY HUSBAND AND KIDS.

I LOVE YOU, MICHAEL.
I LOVE YOU GUYS.

WE LOVE YOU, TOO.

NO, I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU MORE.

NO, I LOVE YOU, MICHAEL.

I LOVE YOU THIS MANYS.

I SAID, "I LOVE YOU"!
OKAY?!

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU.

BABY, THIS DEGREE
IS MORE BEAUTIFUL

THAN ANY PAINTING
IN THE WORLD.

MICHAEL, I JUST WANTED TO SAY

I AM REALLY GLAD
THAT YOU MADE ME GO UP THERE.

AND I'M SORRY
THAT I DOUBTED YOUR MOTIVES.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT. I KNOW
YOU WERE UNDER A LOT OF STRESS.

I WAS...
I'LL PROBABLY NEVER BE ABLE

TO LOOK AT
MY GRADUATION PICTURES, THOUGH.

WELL, YOU WON'T HAVE TO.

FRANKLIN SAID WHEN THE CAMERA
TRIED TO FOCUS ON YOU,

THE LENS CRACKED.

SHUT UP.

THE BOTTOM LINE IS,
CONGRATULATIONS.

AND I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

YOU KNOW, BABY, I'M SORRY
ABOUT THE WAY I ACTED,

YOU KNOW,
WHILE YOU WERE IN SCHOOL.

IF I HAD IT
TO DO OVER AGAIN,

I WOULD BE
SO MUCH MORE SUPPORTIVE.

I'D BE
YOUR STRENGTH, YOUR ROCK.

I'D BE THE WIND
BENEATH YOUR WINGS.

I'D BE THE LIGHT
THAT GUIDED YOUR FOOTSTEP,

LIKE IN
THE "BILLIE JEAN" VIDEO.

I'D BE THE HORSE
THAT TOOK YOU

FROM CLASS TO CLASS
LIKE THIS, YOU KNOW?

"HYAH, HYAH, HYAH, GO.

GO TO CLASS.
HYAH, HYAH."

I AM SO GLAD
YOU FEEL THAT WAY

BECAUSE I'M GOING
TO GRADUATE SCHOOL.

WAIT... I WAS JUST...

YOU GO TO HER
AND YOU LIE LIKE A DOG.

THAT'S WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE
ANYTHING NAMED AFTER YOU,

BECAUSE THEY DON'T LIKE YOU
A HALL OF A LOT.

[ LAUGHS ]

HEY, BROTHER.

I KNOW WHEN I'M DOPE...

YOU GO UP THERE
AND YOU LIE LIKE A DOG.

AND THAT'S WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE
ANYTHING NAMED AFTER YOU,

BECAUSE THEY DON'T LIKE YOU
A HALL OF A LOT.

[ LAUGHS ]

HEY, BROTHER.

I KNOW
WHEN I'M BOMB... OH!