My Wife and Kids (2001–2005): Season 5, Episode 22 - Michael's Sandwich - full transcript
Under a time deadline to catch his flight to an important golf match at Pebble Beach, Michael tries to hurry and pack, but various family distractions keep getting in his way. He ultimately decides Jay and his family are more impo...
MICHAEL, I AM SO EXCITED.
BECAUSE OF THE RAIN
THIS YEAR,
THE WILD FLOWERS ARE GONNA BE
AT THEIR ABSOLUTE PEAK.
MM-HMM.
I CAN'T WAIT
TO SIT THERE
AND BE SURROUNDED
BY POPPIES,
SOAKING UP THE VIBRATIONS
WITH YOU.
MM-HMM.
AND BABY, YOU PROMISE
EVERY YEAR TO TAKE ME,
AND THIS YEAR WE'RE
REALLY GONNA GET TO GO!
MM-HMM.
AREN'T YOU EXCITED?
MM-HMM.
IS THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN SAY
OTHER THAN "MM-HMM"?
MNH-MNH.
THAT'S IT, MICHAEL.
BABY, LISTEN, LISTEN...
I CAN'T WAIT
TO MAKE THE 4-HOUR DRIVE
TO THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE
WHERE I'M STANDING
IN A BUNCH OF WEEDS
WITH THE ROOF OF MY MOUTH
ITCHING FROM ALLERGIES.
BABE, THIS IS GONNA...
[ CLICKING TONGUE ]
...BE RO...
[ POPPING LIPS ]
THIS IS GONNA BE ROMANTIC!
LOOK AT THE PICNIC BASKET
I MADE FOR YOU.
WHAT'D YOU MAKE?
YOUR FAVORITE
SUBMARINE SANDWICH,
CHOCOLATE-COVERED
STRAWBERRIES...
YOU KNOW WHAT I CAN DO
WITH THOSE...
AND SOME PâTé.
SOUNDS LIKE A "PAR-TAY."
IF IT MAKES YOU HAPPY,
THEN IT MAKES ME HAPPY.
THANK YOU, BABY.
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
YOU GET THAT, I'LL FINISH
THE PICNIC BASKET.
OKAY.
[ KNOCKING ON DOOR ]
HEY.
HOW YOU DOING, DANNY?
I GOT THE BEST NEWS
IN THE WORLD.
BOB PHILLIPS, HIS HEMORRHOIDS
HAVE GONE OFF, MAN!
HOW'S THAT GOOD NEWS?
IT'S BAD NEWS FOR BOB,
BUT IT'S GREAT NEWS FOR YOU.
WE'RE ON OUR WAY
TO PEBBLE BEACH,
AND HE WANTS YOU
TO TAKE HIS PLACE.
WOW!
I'M GLAD
HE GOT HEMORRHOIDS!
THAT'S GREAT!
YEAH, EXACTLY, MAN.
WELL, THE PLANE LEAVES IN AN
HOUR, SO PACK YOUR BAGS,
GRAB YOUR CLUBS, WE TEE OFF
AT 9:00 IN THE MORNING.
PEBBLE BEACH?
THE PEBBLE BEACH?
AND IT'S FREE, MAN.
BOB ALREADY PAID FOR IT.
GET OUTTA HERE!
WHAT?! WHAT?!
WHAT?!
YEAH! YEAH!
THIS IS THE CHANCE
OF A LIFETIME.
I KNOW.
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR.
GET READY TO GO.
I CAN'T!
WHAT?
I PROMISED MY WIFE I'D DRIVE OUT
TO LOOK AT SOME WILD FLOWERS.
[ LAUGHS ]
THAT'S HILARIOUS!
I'M SERIOUS.
JUST GO IN THERE AND TELL HER
YOUR GRANDMA DIED.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO MY WIFE.
THINGS DON'T WORK AROUND HERE
AT THE KYLE MANOR LIKE THAT.
SEE, I'M THE KING
OF THIS CASTLE.
I'LL JUST LOOK HER IN THE EYE
AND GO,
"BABY, PUT THE POPPIES
ON HOLD,
BECAUSE I'M GOING
TO PEBBLE BEACH."
[ LAUGHS ]
WELL, MAKE IT QUICK,
'CAUSE WE LEAVE
IN 20 MINUTES.
GO ON.
GET, GET, GET!
LET ME HANDLE
MY BUSINESS!
JAY...
I GOTTA TELL YOU SOMETHING.
WHAT?
GRANDMA DIED.
AGAIN?
SHE DIED YEARS AGO,
MICHAEL.
DID I SAY GRANDMA?
I MEANT GRANT'S MA.
REMEMBER MY FRIEND GRANT?
NO.
GOOD.
BECAUSE HIS MOTHER DIED,
AND WE WERE VERY CLOSE.
ME AND HER WAS LIKE...
YOU NEVER MENTIONED HER
TO ME BEFORE, MICHAEL.
WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE THE
RELATIONSHIP WAS A SECRET
BECAUSE SHE LOVED ME ACTUALLY
MORE THAN SHE LOVED GRANT.
AND HE USED TO GET JEALOUS
WHEN HE SEEN US OUT THERE
PLAYING AND STUFF.
I USED TO TAKE HER TEETH
AND HIDE THEM AND STUFF.
AND, YOU KNOW, WHEN SHE WENT
TO OLD-AGE HOME,
I'D JUST SEND MONEY BECAUSE
HE... HE DIDN'T LIKE THAT.
OKAY, WELL,
WHERE IS THIS FUNERAL?
WAY OUT IN PEBBLE BEACH.
YEAH, AND I GOTTA LEAVE,
LIKE, RIGHT AWAY
BECAUSE THEY'RE OF
THE JEWISH PERSUASION,
AND THEY GOTTA BURY HER WHILE
THE BODY'S STILL KOSHER.
ISN'T PEBBLE BEACH
ALL THE WAY IN CALIFORNIA?
YEAH, I KNOW.
DAMN.FUDGE!
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M GONNA MISS
THE WILD FLOWERS!
GRANT-MA!
WHY'D YOU DIE DURING THE
WILD-FLOWER SEASON?!
[ KNOCK ON WINDOW ]
MIKE, COME ON, LET'S GO, MAN.
GET IN THE CAR. HURRY UP.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
WHO IS THAT RIGHT THERE?
OH, THAT'S JUST DANNY.
DANNY.
DANNY...
YOUR GOLF BUDDY DANNY?
YEAH, WELL, SURE,
WE GOLF TOGETHER,
BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT HE IS
IN THIS SCENARIO, JAY.
IN THIS SCENARIO,
HE'S A PALLBEARER.
A PALLBEARER?
YES.
HE'S A LITTLE SHORT
TO BE A PALLBEARER.
YES, BUT, SEE, GRANT-MA
ONLY HAD ONE LEG, RIGHT?
SO IT'S JUST LIKE
HIP, NOTHING.
SO WE'RE GONNA LET HIM HOLD
THAT SIDE OF THE CASKET.
MICHAEL, YOU'RE GOING TO PEBBLE
BEACH TO PLAY GOLF, AREN'T YOU?
AREN'T YOU?!
YOU KNOW, FINE, JAY.
OKAY, I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU.
THANK YOU.
YES, WE MAY SNEAK IN
A ROUND OR TWO OF GOLF,
BUT THAT'S BECAUSE GRANT-MA
WOULD'VE WANTED IT THAT WAY.
OH, SHE WOULD'VE, HUH?
YEAH, BECAUSE SHE
ALWAYS WANTED TO PLAY,
BUT SHE DIDN'T HAVE
THE BALANCE.
RIGHT.
[ Voice breaking ]
AND I'M SO BROKEN UP ABOUT THIS.
I GOTTA GO PACK.
DO I LOOK LIKE SOME KIND
OF FOOL TO YOU, MICHAEL?!
MICHAEL,
OBVIOUSLY AN OPPORTUNITY
FOR YOU TO PLAY PEBBLE BEACH
HAS COME ALONG,
AND NOW YOU WANT TO BACK OUT
OF YOUR COMMITMENT TO ME.
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT, JAY?
I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU,
BECAUSE THAT'S IN OUR VOWS...
DON'T LIE TO YOUR WIFE.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
MAYBE THIS WHOLE GRANT-MA THING
IS A BIT EXAGGERATED, OKAY?
HIS MOTHER DIDN'T DIE.
THERE, I SAID IT.
IT WAS HIS FATHER,
GRANT-PA.
AND HE AND I HAD
THAT SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP,
AND GRANT-MA WAS JEALOUS.
SHE'D COME OUT THERE
AND BE LIKE,
"LOOK, AT Y'ALL PLAYING,
AND I CAN'T PLAY.
WHY CAN'T I PLAY BASEBALL
WITH Y'ALL?"
MICHAEL, LET ME JUST
GET THIS STRAIGHT, OKAY?
YOU'RE SAYING TO ME
THAT THE OPPORTUNITY
TO PLAY PEBBLE BEACH
IS MORE IMPORTANT
THAN YOUR WIFE.
SO YOU DO UNDERSTAND.
MICHAEL!
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT, BABY?
I'M NOT EVEN GONNA PUSH YOU
ON THIS.
I JUST... I WANT YOU
TO JUST TAKE A SECOND,
THINK ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW,
SEARCH WITHIN YOUR HEART,
AND LET YOUR CONSCIENCE
BE YOUR GUIDE, BABE.
I KNOW YOU'LL DO
THE RIGHT THING.
OKAY.
[ Sighs ] OKAY.
JUST THINK ABOUT IT...
THINK.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'LL GO PACK.
[ SMOOCHES ]
[ VEHICLE HORN HONKS ]
I'LL BE RIGHT THERE!
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
YEAH, COME IN!
MR. KYLE, CAN YOU HELP ME?
OH, VANESSA,
I'M REALLY BUSY RIGHT NOW.
THE WINDOW IN MY BEDROOM'S
STUCK OPEN.
CAN'T YOU GET JUNIOR TO
DO IT? HE'S AT THE STORE.
CAN'T YOU WAIT TILL HE GETS BACK? THERE'S
A DRAFT, AND THE BABY'S GETTING COLD.
CAN'T YOU MOVE THE BABY?
HE'S SLEEPING.
DON'T YOU HAVE BLANKETS?
MR. KYLE, PLEASE?
OKAY, OKAY.
COME ON, COME ON.
I TRIED AS HARD AS I COULD,
BUT I CAN'T GET IT CLOSED.
OH, COME ON.
YOU CAN'T CLOSE THIS?
I CAN DO THIS WITH ONE FINGER.
WATCH.
[ GRUNTING ]
OKAY, I'M NOT TRYING
TO IMPRESS NOBODY,
SO I'LL USE TWO FING...
THREE, FOUR, FIVE...
10 FINGERS.
IS THIS A GAG OR SOMETHING?
IS THIS THING PAINTED OPEN?
WHAT, AM I BEING PUNK'D
AROUND HERE OR SOMETHING?
YOUR DAD'S NOT STRONG ENOUGH
TO GET THE WINDOW CLOSED.
THAT'S BECAUSE THERE'S
A TRICK TO IT.
AAAAAAAAH!
AAAAAAH!
[ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]
NO, NO, NO, NO.
DAD, YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN.
I CANNOT UNDERSTAND YOU
WHEN YOU'RE YELLING.
OKAY. SON, GET THE WINDOW
OFF OF MY FINGERS!
NOW, SEE?
WE'RE COMMUNICATING.
WHEN YOU'RE NOT YELLING
AT ME,
YOU'RE TALKING TO ME
AND NOT AT ME,
AND IT'S AN EXCHANGE OF IDEAS
BETWEEN FATHER AND SON.
YOU KNOW, WE LOVE EACH OTHER.
COME HERE. CLOSER.
WHAT'S UP?
WHAT, ARE YOU TRYING
TO BITE ME?! YEAH!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!
GET THE WINDOW OFF MY HANDS!
GOOD GOSH!
HURRY UP!
OKAY!
OHH!
OH! YOUR MOTHER PUT YOU UP
TO THIS, DIDN'T SHE?
WHAT?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHEN MY HANDS HEAL, I OWE YOU
A SLAP UPSIDE YOUR HEAD.
AAAAH!
COME ON, OPEN THE DOOR FOR ME.
OPEN THE DOOR!
AGAIN, YOU'RE TALKING AT ME,
NOT TO ME.
OH!
OPEN THE DOOR!
UGH.
MICHAEL, WHAT WAS ALL THAT
SCREAMING?!
HA! LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW.
HA! JUNIOR SLAMMED MY FINGERS
IN THE WINDOW
LIKE YOU ASKED HIM TO.
WHAT? BABY, COME ON.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? LET ME SEE.
LIKE YOU CARE.
HA!
I'M FINE, THANK YOU.
WELL, YOU DON'T LOOK FINE,
MICHAEL.
OBVIOUSLY
YOU CAN'T PLAY GOLF,
SO I'LL GO TELL YOUR LITTLE
FRIENDS THAT YOU CAN'T GO.
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
I'M GOING TO PEBBLE BEACH.
WHAT YOU... WHAT YOU SAY?
I SAID PEBBLE BEACH
IS WHERE I'M GOING.
I'M GOING TO THE BEACH...
OF PEBBLE.
RIGHT.
YEAH, SO YOUR LITTLE PLAN,
IT FAILED, JAY.
MICHAEL, STOP IT.
YOU CAN'T EVEN PACK, OKAY?
HOW YOU GONNA HOLD
A GOLF CLUB?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
THIS IS PEBBLE BEACH.
IF I GOTTA TAPE THE PUTTER
TO MY PUTTER,
I'LL STILL BE PUTTING.
[ CLICKS TONGUE ]
FINE, FINE.
YOU KNOW THE MOVE...
[ CLICKS TONGUE ]
YEAH... [ CLICKS TONGUE ]
FINE.
YEAH, OKAY.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?
I THINK YOUR CONSCIENCE
IS TALKING
AND YOU'RE NOT LISTENING.
YOU CAN THINK
WHAT YOU WANT TO THINK,
'CAUSE I'M GOING
TO PEBBLE BEACH.
WHAT YOU...
I'M GOING TO PEBBLE BEACH.
PEBBLE BEACH.
WHAT ARE YOU...
YOU KEEP HEARING STUFF.
MR. KYLE, WE NEED YOU
DOWNSTAIRS NOW!
I CAN'T.
I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW, FRANKLIN.
BUT MR. KYLE,
IT'S OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE!
IT INVOLVES
ONE OF YOUR KIDS!
I REALLY CAN'T DO IT!
[ Straining ] MR. KYLE,
DON'T MAKE ME GO HULK ON YOU!
OKAY, JUST CALM DOWN!
DON'T MAKE ME RIP THE SHIRT!
DON'T RIP THE SHIRT!
COME ON, LET'S GO!
OW!
OKAY, WE GOTTA
MAKE THIS QUICK
BECAUSE I GOT
A PLANE TO CATCH.
IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION
THAT YOU HAVE AN UPCOMING EVENT
TO ATTEND
WITH YOUR DAUGHTER KADY.
I DO?
THE FATHER/DAUGHTER DANCE?
OH, THAT THING.
I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.
WELL, WE'RE NOT.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
THE PROBLEM IS
YOU HAVEN'T REHEARSED.
I DON'T NEED TO REHEARSE
TO DANCE WITH MY DAUGHTER.
I CAN DANCE, MAN.
LOOK AT THIS ROBOT.
BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM...
BAM!
TOUCH IT.
GOING THE OTHER WAY.
BOOM!
WHOA, PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME
YOU CARE MORE ABOUT
YOUR STUPID GOLFING TRIP
THAN YOUR
LOVELY DAUGHTER KADY.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,
MY MAN...
THIS IS NOT
A STUPID GOLFING TRIP.
THIS HAPPENS TO BE
PEBBLE BEACH.
YOU CARE MORE ABOUT
PEBBLE BEACH THAN ME?
OF COURSE... I DON'T.
SEE, I KNOW
WHAT THIS IS, KADY.
YOUR MOTHER
PUT YOU UP TO THIS.
THIS IS THE OLD
"FORCE YOUR FATHER
"TO CHOOSE BETWEEN THE
TWO THINGS HE LOVES MOST...
"PEBBLE BEACH...
[ CLICKS TONGUE ]...
AND," UM...
KA...
KADY! KADY! YES!
BUT I'M GONNA HAVE BOTH.
WATCH THIS.
COME ON, LET'S DANCE.
COME ON, LET'S DANCE.
I'LL SHOW YOU.
AND ONE, TWO, THREE.
AND ONE, TWO, THREE.
AND ONE... TWO... THREE.
AND SPIN AROUND.
AND...
WE'RE DONE.
NO, NO, NO.
THIS IS ALL WRONG.
HEAD UP, SHOULDERS BACK,
STOMACH IN, AND...
IN...
AND SLOW DOWN.
OH, SORRY.
THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN
TOO MUCH "IN."
AND SLOW DOWN?
SHOW ME.
IF YOU'RE GONNA CRITICIZE,
SHOW ME.
INDEED I WILL.
INDEED YOU SHOULD.
YOU SEE, STEP AND GLIDE.
STEP AND GLIDE.
ANTICIPATE THE MUSIC.
LET IT FLOW THROUGH YOU.
IT SHOULD BE
AN ELEGANT CONVERSATION,
NOT A DRUNKEN ARGUMENT.
OKAY, STEP AND GLIDE.
I CAN DO THAT.
STEP AND GLIDE.
STEP AND GLIDE.
I'LL PRACTICE
ON THE GOLF COURSE.
STEP AND GLIDE.
STEP AND GLIDE.
AND ONE, TWO, THREE.
AND STEP AND GLIDE.
AND STEP AND GLIDE.
YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME!
THE BABY CAN'T EAT CHOCOLATE!
YES, HE CAN!
IT'S BAD FOR HIM!
NO, IT'S NOT!
IT'S CHOCOLATE MILK
WITH VITAMIN D, RIBOFLAVIN,
AND YELLOW FI-VE!
HEY, HEY!
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
GOOD, MY DAD'S HERE.
HE CAN HANDLE THIS.
I'M NOT INTERESTED
IN HANDLING ANYTHING.
YOU TWO ARE GONNA HANDLE YOUR
OWN PROBLEMS LIKE ADULTS SHOULD.
MR. K...
NO!
YOU ARE STANDING IN MY WAY
OF GOING TO PEBBLE BEACH.
NOW KINDLY MOVE.
SHE SAYS I SHOULDN'T GIVE
JUNIOR JR. CHOCOLATE MILK.
THAT'S RIGHT!
IT MAKES HIM HYPERACTIVE!
I HAD A WHOLE BUNCH OF CHOCOLATE
WHEN I WAS A KID!
I REST MY CASE!
DADDY, HELP ME.
SON, FOR THE FUTURE,
THE WOMAN IS ALWAYS RIGHT.
NO, THAT'S NOT...
ALWAYS!
EVERY TIME.
EVEN THEN.
NOW, IF MEMORY SERVES ME
CORRECTLY,
I OWE YOU SOMETHING.
CAN'T THINK WHAT IT IS.
OH, YOU OWE ME
A SLAP ON THE HEAD.
RIGHT!
YEAH.
WHAT HAPPENED? OW!
PAID IN FULL.
MAN, WISH I WAS GOING
TO PEBBLE BEACH.
[ CHUCKLES ]
EXCUSE ME?
HUH?
NO, NO, SEE,
WHAT HAPPENED WAS...
OH, LOOK.
WHAT?
OW!
WHAT IS OVER THERE?
Danny: YO, MIKE!
WE'RE GONNA MISS THE PLANE!
I WILL BE RIGHT THERE!
FIVE MINUTES,
OR WE'RE LEAVING WITHOUT YOU!
I SAID
I'LL BE RIGHT THERE!
OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!
WHAT IS THE MATTER?!
IT'S TONY!
HE JOINED THE ARMY.
TONY JOINED THE ARMY?!
WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?!
HE SAID GOD TOLD HIM
TO DO IT.
AND WHERE IS HE?!
HEAVEN?
NO, TONY.
WHERE IS TONY?
OH, HE'S IN THE LIVING ROOM.
WOULD YOU PLEASE TALK TO HIM?
CLAIRE, YOU KNOW
I'M ABOUT TO GO AWAY...
[ Straining ] DON'T MAKE ME
GO HULK ON YOU!
PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME
TEAR THE DRESS, DADDY.
NO, NO, DON'T TEAR THE...
GO, GO, GO, GO!
EXPLAIN THIS TO ME, TONY.
WHY WOULD YOU JOIN THE ARMY?
THERE'S NOTHING TO EXPLAIN.
THE LORD TOLD ME
TO JOIN THE ARMY.
SEE?
I WOULD NEVER TRY
TO TALK SOMEONE OUT OF DOING
SOMETHING THAT THE LORD
TOLD THEM TO DO,
BUT YOU MUST CONSIDER
THE RAMIFICATIONS.
YEAH, HAVE YOU?
YOU'RE STILL IN SCHOOL.
YOU'RE STILL IN SCHOOL.
I CAN HANDLE THIS, CLAIRE.
HE CAN HANDLE THIS, CLAIRE!
LISTEN, TONY, YOU HAVE YOUR
WHOLE FUTURE AHEAD OF YOU.
THERE'S NOTHING THAT YOU OR
ANYONE ELSE ON EARTH CAN SAY
THAT'S GONNA CHANGE MY MIND.
THIS COULD BE DANGEROUS.
I KNOW IT CAN BE DANGEROUS,
BUT IT'S REALLY JUST A MATTER
OF WHERE I GET STATIONED.
THE AIRPORT OR A DEPARTMENT
STORE IS NOT THAT BAD.
BUT IF THEY SEND ME
TO THE BUS STATION,
WELL, THAT COULD BE
TREACHEROUS.
WAIT A MINUTE.
THE ARMY IS STATIONED
AT DEPARTMENT STORES?
THE SALUTATION ARMY
IS EVERYWHERE, MR. KYLE,
RINGING BELLS AND GETTING MONEY
FOR POOR PEOPLE.
YOU MADE ME RISK A TRIP
TO PEBBLE BEACH
BECAUSE THIS KNUCKLEHEAD
ENROLLED IN THE SALUTATION ARMY?
WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW. I THOUGHT
HE JOINED THE REAL ARMY.
OH, NO.
THAT'S TOO DANGEROUS.
I HAVE MY WHOLE FUTURE
AHEAD OF ME.
YOUR MOTHER PUT YOU UP TO THIS.
YOUR MO...
YOU'RE NOT GONNA STOP ME.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA STOP ME!
♪ DOO-DOO DOO, DOO DOO DOO
DOO-DEE-DOO ♪
HEY.
YOU READY TO GO?
YEP. I'M ALL PACKED.
LISTEN, JAY,
IF YOU REALLY DON'T WANT ME
TO GO, I'LL STAY.
I REALLY DON'T WANT YOU
TO GO.
NO, I MEAN, IF YOU REALLY,
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY
DON'T WANT ME TO GO,
THEN I'M GONNA JUST
PUT THE BAG DOWN AND STAY.
I REALLY DON'T WANT YOU
TO GO.
I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY.
I'M TRYING TO SAY
THAT IF YOU, JAY,
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY,
REALLY, REALLY,
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY
WANT ME, MIKE, TO STAY,
THEN I, MIKE, WILL REALLY,
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY,
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY,
REALLY, REALLY
PUT THE BAG DOWN
FOR YOU, JAY, AND STAY.
OKAY, I WANT YOU TO GO,
BECAUSE IF YOU STAY,
YOU'RE REALLY, REALLY, REALLY,
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY
GONNA BE MISERABLE,
AND THAT'LL MAKE ME
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY,
REALLY MISERABLE, TOO.
GOOD. I'LL REALLY, REALLY
SEE YOU ON MONDAY.
MICHAEL.
OH, I KNEW IT WAS REALLY,
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY,
REALLY, REALLY TOO EASY.
WHAT?
HERE.
WHAT'S THIS?
YOUR FAVORITE SUBMARINE SANDWICH
THAT I MADE FOR THE PICNIC.
I DON'T WANT IT
TO GO TO WASTE,
AND I KNOW HOW BAD
THE AIRPLANE FOOD IS, SO...
WHAT'D YOU DO,
PUT SOME GLASS IN IT?
NO!
RAT POISON?
NO.
ANTHRAX?
NO!
THANK YOU.
THAT'S VERY SWEET OF YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
LOOK, BABY, IF THIS WAS
ANY OTHER GOLF COURSE
IN THE WORLD...
OKAY, MICHAEL,
MICHAEL, MICHAEL,
JUST GO
AND ENJOY YOURSELF.
CALL ME WHEN YOU GET
TO PEBBLE BEACH.
W-WHAT'D YOU SAY?
PEBBLE BEACH.
UH, PEBBLE...
SAY AGAIN.
BEACH.
WHAT IS THE EMPHASIS ON...
...THE PEBBLE OR THE BEACH?
MICHAEL, JUST GO, GO.
BYE.
BYE.
DADDY!
BYE, SWEETHEART.
I'LL CALL YOU
FROM PEBBLE BEACH, OKAY?
DADDY, WAIT!
BABY, I CAN'T.
I'M RUNNING LATE.
NO, I NEED YOU!
WE'LL REHEARSE THE DANCE
WHEN I GET BACK, I PROMISE YOU.
WE'LL HAVE PLENTY OF TIME.
NO, I HAVE A SPLINTER!
WELL, GO ASK YOUR MOTHER.
SHE CAN GET THAT OUT.
NO, SHE DOESN'T KNOW
HOW TO DO IT!
NOBODY DOES IT RIGHT
BUT YOU!
10 SECONDS, MIKE,
OR WE'RE LEAVING WITHOUT YOU!
IT HURTS!
COME HERE, COME HERE,
COME HERE.
LET ME TAKE A LOOK
AT THIS.
WOW, THAT'S
A PRETTY BIG SPLINTER.
HOW'D YOU GET THIS?
I DON'T KNOW.
I THINK I CAN GET IT OUT.
I WANT YOU TO CLOSE YOUR EYES
AND SAY "HOW MUCH WOOD
COULD A WOODCHUCK CHUCK
IF A WOODCHUCK
COULD CHUCK WOOD?"
WHAT?
GOT IT.
I'M GONNA SEE YOU
IN A COUPLE DAYS, ALL RIGHT?
THANKS, DADDY.
WAIT, I ALMOST FORGOT
SOMETHING.
THAT'S THE MAGIC HEALING KISS.
ALL BETTER?
NOW IT IS. I'M SORRY
IF YOU MISSED YOUR FLIGHT.
HEY, SOME THINGS
ARE MORE IMPORTANT
THAN A STUPID TRIP
TO PEBBLE BEACH.
[ DOOR OPENS ]
OH, MY... MICHAEL.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
WELL [SIGHS]
I WAS AT THE AIRPORT
WITH ALL MY FRIENDS,
I WAS ABOUT
TO GET ON THE PLANE,
AND I GUESS
MY CONSCIENCE KICKED IN
BECAUSE I REALIZED THAT...
I LEFT MY BEST FRIEND
AT HOME.
THAT'S VERY SWEET.
NO,YOU'RE VERY SWEET.
AND I APPRECIATE
HOW YOU JUST LET ME COME
TO THIS CONCLUSION MYSELF.
VERY PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE,
BUT IT WORKED.
[ LAUGHS ]
I WAS HOPING THAT WE COULD
STILL HAVE
OUR LITTLE PICNIC
IN THE WILD FLOWERS.
NO, IT'S DEFINITELY
TOO LATE FOR THAT.
THE WILD FLOWERS DON'T COME BACK
FOR ANOTHER YEAR.
WELL, THAT'S
NOT NECESSARILY TRUE
BECAUSE, ON THE WAY BACK,
I SAW IN THIS LITTLE FIELD
ACROSS FROM THE AIRPORT...
SOME FLOWERS.
OH!
THESE ARE BEAUTIFUL!
OH.
SO, UH...
OH, MICHAEL!
PUT ON A LITTLE MUSIC.
COULD YOU POUR ME
SOME CHAMPAGNE. I CAN.
WE'RE HAVING A PICNIC.
YOU WERE GONNA DO SOMETHING
WITH THOSE STRAWBERRIES.
YOU REMEMBER THAT, HUH?
WELL, LET ME TELL YOU
WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
COME HERE.
LET ME WHISPER IT TO YOU.
[ WHISPERING ]
YOU AIN'T GONNA PUT
A STRAWBERRY THERE!
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
HE'S A LITTLE SHORT
TO BE A PALLBEARER.
WELL, SEE, GRANT-MA
ONLY HAD ONE LEG,
AND ACTUALLY, TECHNICALLY,
IT WAS JUST A STUB.
IT JUST CAME,
LIKE, RIGHT HERE.
IT'S LIKE HIP, NOTHING.
AND SO WE'RE GONNA LET HIM
[laughing]
CARRY THAT SIDE.
[ LAUGHS ]
MICHAEL, MICHAEL,
MICHAEL, MICHAEL.
SHE WAS JEALOUS, JAY.
I'D BE OUT THERE PLAYING
WITH GRANT-PA,
AND SHE'D COME OUT THERE
LIKE THIS.
"MNH-MNH-MNH,
LOOK AT Y'ALL."
[ LAUGHS ]
I WAS TRYING
NOT TO LOOK AT HIM!
"MNH-MNH, LOOK AT Y'ALL."
[ LAUGHS ]
UH, EXCUSE ME, MELONHEAD,
THIS IS MY SPOT.
PARDON ME?
YEAH, I'M IN DEPARTURES.
YOU'RE DOWNSTAIRS IN ARRIVALS.
LISTEN, BROTHER, WE'RE ON
THE SAME TEAM HERE, SAME ARMY.
YES, BUT YOU'RE GONNA BE ON THE
ARMY DOWNSTAIRS IN ARRIVALS.
UH, NO, I'M NOT.
DOWN YOU GO.
I DON'T KNOW YOU.
AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH!
AAH!
BECAUSE OF THE RAIN
THIS YEAR,
THE WILD FLOWERS ARE GONNA BE
AT THEIR ABSOLUTE PEAK.
MM-HMM.
I CAN'T WAIT
TO SIT THERE
AND BE SURROUNDED
BY POPPIES,
SOAKING UP THE VIBRATIONS
WITH YOU.
MM-HMM.
AND BABY, YOU PROMISE
EVERY YEAR TO TAKE ME,
AND THIS YEAR WE'RE
REALLY GONNA GET TO GO!
MM-HMM.
AREN'T YOU EXCITED?
MM-HMM.
IS THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN SAY
OTHER THAN "MM-HMM"?
MNH-MNH.
THAT'S IT, MICHAEL.
BABY, LISTEN, LISTEN...
I CAN'T WAIT
TO MAKE THE 4-HOUR DRIVE
TO THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE
WHERE I'M STANDING
IN A BUNCH OF WEEDS
WITH THE ROOF OF MY MOUTH
ITCHING FROM ALLERGIES.
BABE, THIS IS GONNA...
[ CLICKING TONGUE ]
...BE RO...
[ POPPING LIPS ]
THIS IS GONNA BE ROMANTIC!
LOOK AT THE PICNIC BASKET
I MADE FOR YOU.
WHAT'D YOU MAKE?
YOUR FAVORITE
SUBMARINE SANDWICH,
CHOCOLATE-COVERED
STRAWBERRIES...
YOU KNOW WHAT I CAN DO
WITH THOSE...
AND SOME PâTé.
SOUNDS LIKE A "PAR-TAY."
IF IT MAKES YOU HAPPY,
THEN IT MAKES ME HAPPY.
THANK YOU, BABY.
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
YOU GET THAT, I'LL FINISH
THE PICNIC BASKET.
OKAY.
[ KNOCKING ON DOOR ]
HEY.
HOW YOU DOING, DANNY?
I GOT THE BEST NEWS
IN THE WORLD.
BOB PHILLIPS, HIS HEMORRHOIDS
HAVE GONE OFF, MAN!
HOW'S THAT GOOD NEWS?
IT'S BAD NEWS FOR BOB,
BUT IT'S GREAT NEWS FOR YOU.
WE'RE ON OUR WAY
TO PEBBLE BEACH,
AND HE WANTS YOU
TO TAKE HIS PLACE.
WOW!
I'M GLAD
HE GOT HEMORRHOIDS!
THAT'S GREAT!
YEAH, EXACTLY, MAN.
WELL, THE PLANE LEAVES IN AN
HOUR, SO PACK YOUR BAGS,
GRAB YOUR CLUBS, WE TEE OFF
AT 9:00 IN THE MORNING.
PEBBLE BEACH?
THE PEBBLE BEACH?
AND IT'S FREE, MAN.
BOB ALREADY PAID FOR IT.
GET OUTTA HERE!
WHAT?! WHAT?!
WHAT?!
YEAH! YEAH!
THIS IS THE CHANCE
OF A LIFETIME.
I KNOW.
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR.
GET READY TO GO.
I CAN'T!
WHAT?
I PROMISED MY WIFE I'D DRIVE OUT
TO LOOK AT SOME WILD FLOWERS.
[ LAUGHS ]
THAT'S HILARIOUS!
I'M SERIOUS.
JUST GO IN THERE AND TELL HER
YOUR GRANDMA DIED.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO MY WIFE.
THINGS DON'T WORK AROUND HERE
AT THE KYLE MANOR LIKE THAT.
SEE, I'M THE KING
OF THIS CASTLE.
I'LL JUST LOOK HER IN THE EYE
AND GO,
"BABY, PUT THE POPPIES
ON HOLD,
BECAUSE I'M GOING
TO PEBBLE BEACH."
[ LAUGHS ]
WELL, MAKE IT QUICK,
'CAUSE WE LEAVE
IN 20 MINUTES.
GO ON.
GET, GET, GET!
LET ME HANDLE
MY BUSINESS!
JAY...
I GOTTA TELL YOU SOMETHING.
WHAT?
GRANDMA DIED.
AGAIN?
SHE DIED YEARS AGO,
MICHAEL.
DID I SAY GRANDMA?
I MEANT GRANT'S MA.
REMEMBER MY FRIEND GRANT?
NO.
GOOD.
BECAUSE HIS MOTHER DIED,
AND WE WERE VERY CLOSE.
ME AND HER WAS LIKE...
YOU NEVER MENTIONED HER
TO ME BEFORE, MICHAEL.
WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE THE
RELATIONSHIP WAS A SECRET
BECAUSE SHE LOVED ME ACTUALLY
MORE THAN SHE LOVED GRANT.
AND HE USED TO GET JEALOUS
WHEN HE SEEN US OUT THERE
PLAYING AND STUFF.
I USED TO TAKE HER TEETH
AND HIDE THEM AND STUFF.
AND, YOU KNOW, WHEN SHE WENT
TO OLD-AGE HOME,
I'D JUST SEND MONEY BECAUSE
HE... HE DIDN'T LIKE THAT.
OKAY, WELL,
WHERE IS THIS FUNERAL?
WAY OUT IN PEBBLE BEACH.
YEAH, AND I GOTTA LEAVE,
LIKE, RIGHT AWAY
BECAUSE THEY'RE OF
THE JEWISH PERSUASION,
AND THEY GOTTA BURY HER WHILE
THE BODY'S STILL KOSHER.
ISN'T PEBBLE BEACH
ALL THE WAY IN CALIFORNIA?
YEAH, I KNOW.
DAMN.FUDGE!
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M GONNA MISS
THE WILD FLOWERS!
GRANT-MA!
WHY'D YOU DIE DURING THE
WILD-FLOWER SEASON?!
[ KNOCK ON WINDOW ]
MIKE, COME ON, LET'S GO, MAN.
GET IN THE CAR. HURRY UP.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
WHO IS THAT RIGHT THERE?
OH, THAT'S JUST DANNY.
DANNY.
DANNY...
YOUR GOLF BUDDY DANNY?
YEAH, WELL, SURE,
WE GOLF TOGETHER,
BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT HE IS
IN THIS SCENARIO, JAY.
IN THIS SCENARIO,
HE'S A PALLBEARER.
A PALLBEARER?
YES.
HE'S A LITTLE SHORT
TO BE A PALLBEARER.
YES, BUT, SEE, GRANT-MA
ONLY HAD ONE LEG, RIGHT?
SO IT'S JUST LIKE
HIP, NOTHING.
SO WE'RE GONNA LET HIM HOLD
THAT SIDE OF THE CASKET.
MICHAEL, YOU'RE GOING TO PEBBLE
BEACH TO PLAY GOLF, AREN'T YOU?
AREN'T YOU?!
YOU KNOW, FINE, JAY.
OKAY, I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU.
THANK YOU.
YES, WE MAY SNEAK IN
A ROUND OR TWO OF GOLF,
BUT THAT'S BECAUSE GRANT-MA
WOULD'VE WANTED IT THAT WAY.
OH, SHE WOULD'VE, HUH?
YEAH, BECAUSE SHE
ALWAYS WANTED TO PLAY,
BUT SHE DIDN'T HAVE
THE BALANCE.
RIGHT.
[ Voice breaking ]
AND I'M SO BROKEN UP ABOUT THIS.
I GOTTA GO PACK.
DO I LOOK LIKE SOME KIND
OF FOOL TO YOU, MICHAEL?!
MICHAEL,
OBVIOUSLY AN OPPORTUNITY
FOR YOU TO PLAY PEBBLE BEACH
HAS COME ALONG,
AND NOW YOU WANT TO BACK OUT
OF YOUR COMMITMENT TO ME.
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT, JAY?
I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU,
BECAUSE THAT'S IN OUR VOWS...
DON'T LIE TO YOUR WIFE.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
MAYBE THIS WHOLE GRANT-MA THING
IS A BIT EXAGGERATED, OKAY?
HIS MOTHER DIDN'T DIE.
THERE, I SAID IT.
IT WAS HIS FATHER,
GRANT-PA.
AND HE AND I HAD
THAT SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP,
AND GRANT-MA WAS JEALOUS.
SHE'D COME OUT THERE
AND BE LIKE,
"LOOK, AT Y'ALL PLAYING,
AND I CAN'T PLAY.
WHY CAN'T I PLAY BASEBALL
WITH Y'ALL?"
MICHAEL, LET ME JUST
GET THIS STRAIGHT, OKAY?
YOU'RE SAYING TO ME
THAT THE OPPORTUNITY
TO PLAY PEBBLE BEACH
IS MORE IMPORTANT
THAN YOUR WIFE.
SO YOU DO UNDERSTAND.
MICHAEL!
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT, BABY?
I'M NOT EVEN GONNA PUSH YOU
ON THIS.
I JUST... I WANT YOU
TO JUST TAKE A SECOND,
THINK ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW,
SEARCH WITHIN YOUR HEART,
AND LET YOUR CONSCIENCE
BE YOUR GUIDE, BABE.
I KNOW YOU'LL DO
THE RIGHT THING.
OKAY.
[ Sighs ] OKAY.
JUST THINK ABOUT IT...
THINK.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'LL GO PACK.
[ SMOOCHES ]
[ VEHICLE HORN HONKS ]
I'LL BE RIGHT THERE!
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
YEAH, COME IN!
MR. KYLE, CAN YOU HELP ME?
OH, VANESSA,
I'M REALLY BUSY RIGHT NOW.
THE WINDOW IN MY BEDROOM'S
STUCK OPEN.
CAN'T YOU GET JUNIOR TO
DO IT? HE'S AT THE STORE.
CAN'T YOU WAIT TILL HE GETS BACK? THERE'S
A DRAFT, AND THE BABY'S GETTING COLD.
CAN'T YOU MOVE THE BABY?
HE'S SLEEPING.
DON'T YOU HAVE BLANKETS?
MR. KYLE, PLEASE?
OKAY, OKAY.
COME ON, COME ON.
I TRIED AS HARD AS I COULD,
BUT I CAN'T GET IT CLOSED.
OH, COME ON.
YOU CAN'T CLOSE THIS?
I CAN DO THIS WITH ONE FINGER.
WATCH.
[ GRUNTING ]
OKAY, I'M NOT TRYING
TO IMPRESS NOBODY,
SO I'LL USE TWO FING...
THREE, FOUR, FIVE...
10 FINGERS.
IS THIS A GAG OR SOMETHING?
IS THIS THING PAINTED OPEN?
WHAT, AM I BEING PUNK'D
AROUND HERE OR SOMETHING?
YOUR DAD'S NOT STRONG ENOUGH
TO GET THE WINDOW CLOSED.
THAT'S BECAUSE THERE'S
A TRICK TO IT.
AAAAAAAAH!
AAAAAAH!
[ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]
NO, NO, NO, NO.
DAD, YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN.
I CANNOT UNDERSTAND YOU
WHEN YOU'RE YELLING.
OKAY. SON, GET THE WINDOW
OFF OF MY FINGERS!
NOW, SEE?
WE'RE COMMUNICATING.
WHEN YOU'RE NOT YELLING
AT ME,
YOU'RE TALKING TO ME
AND NOT AT ME,
AND IT'S AN EXCHANGE OF IDEAS
BETWEEN FATHER AND SON.
YOU KNOW, WE LOVE EACH OTHER.
COME HERE. CLOSER.
WHAT'S UP?
WHAT, ARE YOU TRYING
TO BITE ME?! YEAH!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!
GET THE WINDOW OFF MY HANDS!
GOOD GOSH!
HURRY UP!
OKAY!
OHH!
OH! YOUR MOTHER PUT YOU UP
TO THIS, DIDN'T SHE?
WHAT?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHEN MY HANDS HEAL, I OWE YOU
A SLAP UPSIDE YOUR HEAD.
AAAAH!
COME ON, OPEN THE DOOR FOR ME.
OPEN THE DOOR!
AGAIN, YOU'RE TALKING AT ME,
NOT TO ME.
OH!
OPEN THE DOOR!
UGH.
MICHAEL, WHAT WAS ALL THAT
SCREAMING?!
HA! LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW.
HA! JUNIOR SLAMMED MY FINGERS
IN THE WINDOW
LIKE YOU ASKED HIM TO.
WHAT? BABY, COME ON.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? LET ME SEE.
LIKE YOU CARE.
HA!
I'M FINE, THANK YOU.
WELL, YOU DON'T LOOK FINE,
MICHAEL.
OBVIOUSLY
YOU CAN'T PLAY GOLF,
SO I'LL GO TELL YOUR LITTLE
FRIENDS THAT YOU CAN'T GO.
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
I'M GOING TO PEBBLE BEACH.
WHAT YOU... WHAT YOU SAY?
I SAID PEBBLE BEACH
IS WHERE I'M GOING.
I'M GOING TO THE BEACH...
OF PEBBLE.
RIGHT.
YEAH, SO YOUR LITTLE PLAN,
IT FAILED, JAY.
MICHAEL, STOP IT.
YOU CAN'T EVEN PACK, OKAY?
HOW YOU GONNA HOLD
A GOLF CLUB?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
THIS IS PEBBLE BEACH.
IF I GOTTA TAPE THE PUTTER
TO MY PUTTER,
I'LL STILL BE PUTTING.
[ CLICKS TONGUE ]
FINE, FINE.
YOU KNOW THE MOVE...
[ CLICKS TONGUE ]
YEAH... [ CLICKS TONGUE ]
FINE.
YEAH, OKAY.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?
I THINK YOUR CONSCIENCE
IS TALKING
AND YOU'RE NOT LISTENING.
YOU CAN THINK
WHAT YOU WANT TO THINK,
'CAUSE I'M GOING
TO PEBBLE BEACH.
WHAT YOU...
I'M GOING TO PEBBLE BEACH.
PEBBLE BEACH.
WHAT ARE YOU...
YOU KEEP HEARING STUFF.
MR. KYLE, WE NEED YOU
DOWNSTAIRS NOW!
I CAN'T.
I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW, FRANKLIN.
BUT MR. KYLE,
IT'S OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE!
IT INVOLVES
ONE OF YOUR KIDS!
I REALLY CAN'T DO IT!
[ Straining ] MR. KYLE,
DON'T MAKE ME GO HULK ON YOU!
OKAY, JUST CALM DOWN!
DON'T MAKE ME RIP THE SHIRT!
DON'T RIP THE SHIRT!
COME ON, LET'S GO!
OW!
OKAY, WE GOTTA
MAKE THIS QUICK
BECAUSE I GOT
A PLANE TO CATCH.
IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION
THAT YOU HAVE AN UPCOMING EVENT
TO ATTEND
WITH YOUR DAUGHTER KADY.
I DO?
THE FATHER/DAUGHTER DANCE?
OH, THAT THING.
I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.
WELL, WE'RE NOT.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
THE PROBLEM IS
YOU HAVEN'T REHEARSED.
I DON'T NEED TO REHEARSE
TO DANCE WITH MY DAUGHTER.
I CAN DANCE, MAN.
LOOK AT THIS ROBOT.
BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM...
BAM!
TOUCH IT.
GOING THE OTHER WAY.
BOOM!
WHOA, PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME
YOU CARE MORE ABOUT
YOUR STUPID GOLFING TRIP
THAN YOUR
LOVELY DAUGHTER KADY.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,
MY MAN...
THIS IS NOT
A STUPID GOLFING TRIP.
THIS HAPPENS TO BE
PEBBLE BEACH.
YOU CARE MORE ABOUT
PEBBLE BEACH THAN ME?
OF COURSE... I DON'T.
SEE, I KNOW
WHAT THIS IS, KADY.
YOUR MOTHER
PUT YOU UP TO THIS.
THIS IS THE OLD
"FORCE YOUR FATHER
"TO CHOOSE BETWEEN THE
TWO THINGS HE LOVES MOST...
"PEBBLE BEACH...
[ CLICKS TONGUE ]...
AND," UM...
KA...
KADY! KADY! YES!
BUT I'M GONNA HAVE BOTH.
WATCH THIS.
COME ON, LET'S DANCE.
COME ON, LET'S DANCE.
I'LL SHOW YOU.
AND ONE, TWO, THREE.
AND ONE, TWO, THREE.
AND ONE... TWO... THREE.
AND SPIN AROUND.
AND...
WE'RE DONE.
NO, NO, NO.
THIS IS ALL WRONG.
HEAD UP, SHOULDERS BACK,
STOMACH IN, AND...
IN...
AND SLOW DOWN.
OH, SORRY.
THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN
TOO MUCH "IN."
AND SLOW DOWN?
SHOW ME.
IF YOU'RE GONNA CRITICIZE,
SHOW ME.
INDEED I WILL.
INDEED YOU SHOULD.
YOU SEE, STEP AND GLIDE.
STEP AND GLIDE.
ANTICIPATE THE MUSIC.
LET IT FLOW THROUGH YOU.
IT SHOULD BE
AN ELEGANT CONVERSATION,
NOT A DRUNKEN ARGUMENT.
OKAY, STEP AND GLIDE.
I CAN DO THAT.
STEP AND GLIDE.
STEP AND GLIDE.
I'LL PRACTICE
ON THE GOLF COURSE.
STEP AND GLIDE.
STEP AND GLIDE.
AND ONE, TWO, THREE.
AND STEP AND GLIDE.
AND STEP AND GLIDE.
YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME!
THE BABY CAN'T EAT CHOCOLATE!
YES, HE CAN!
IT'S BAD FOR HIM!
NO, IT'S NOT!
IT'S CHOCOLATE MILK
WITH VITAMIN D, RIBOFLAVIN,
AND YELLOW FI-VE!
HEY, HEY!
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
GOOD, MY DAD'S HERE.
HE CAN HANDLE THIS.
I'M NOT INTERESTED
IN HANDLING ANYTHING.
YOU TWO ARE GONNA HANDLE YOUR
OWN PROBLEMS LIKE ADULTS SHOULD.
MR. K...
NO!
YOU ARE STANDING IN MY WAY
OF GOING TO PEBBLE BEACH.
NOW KINDLY MOVE.
SHE SAYS I SHOULDN'T GIVE
JUNIOR JR. CHOCOLATE MILK.
THAT'S RIGHT!
IT MAKES HIM HYPERACTIVE!
I HAD A WHOLE BUNCH OF CHOCOLATE
WHEN I WAS A KID!
I REST MY CASE!
DADDY, HELP ME.
SON, FOR THE FUTURE,
THE WOMAN IS ALWAYS RIGHT.
NO, THAT'S NOT...
ALWAYS!
EVERY TIME.
EVEN THEN.
NOW, IF MEMORY SERVES ME
CORRECTLY,
I OWE YOU SOMETHING.
CAN'T THINK WHAT IT IS.
OH, YOU OWE ME
A SLAP ON THE HEAD.
RIGHT!
YEAH.
WHAT HAPPENED? OW!
PAID IN FULL.
MAN, WISH I WAS GOING
TO PEBBLE BEACH.
[ CHUCKLES ]
EXCUSE ME?
HUH?
NO, NO, SEE,
WHAT HAPPENED WAS...
OH, LOOK.
WHAT?
OW!
WHAT IS OVER THERE?
Danny: YO, MIKE!
WE'RE GONNA MISS THE PLANE!
I WILL BE RIGHT THERE!
FIVE MINUTES,
OR WE'RE LEAVING WITHOUT YOU!
I SAID
I'LL BE RIGHT THERE!
OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!
WHAT IS THE MATTER?!
IT'S TONY!
HE JOINED THE ARMY.
TONY JOINED THE ARMY?!
WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?!
HE SAID GOD TOLD HIM
TO DO IT.
AND WHERE IS HE?!
HEAVEN?
NO, TONY.
WHERE IS TONY?
OH, HE'S IN THE LIVING ROOM.
WOULD YOU PLEASE TALK TO HIM?
CLAIRE, YOU KNOW
I'M ABOUT TO GO AWAY...
[ Straining ] DON'T MAKE ME
GO HULK ON YOU!
PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME
TEAR THE DRESS, DADDY.
NO, NO, DON'T TEAR THE...
GO, GO, GO, GO!
EXPLAIN THIS TO ME, TONY.
WHY WOULD YOU JOIN THE ARMY?
THERE'S NOTHING TO EXPLAIN.
THE LORD TOLD ME
TO JOIN THE ARMY.
SEE?
I WOULD NEVER TRY
TO TALK SOMEONE OUT OF DOING
SOMETHING THAT THE LORD
TOLD THEM TO DO,
BUT YOU MUST CONSIDER
THE RAMIFICATIONS.
YEAH, HAVE YOU?
YOU'RE STILL IN SCHOOL.
YOU'RE STILL IN SCHOOL.
I CAN HANDLE THIS, CLAIRE.
HE CAN HANDLE THIS, CLAIRE!
LISTEN, TONY, YOU HAVE YOUR
WHOLE FUTURE AHEAD OF YOU.
THERE'S NOTHING THAT YOU OR
ANYONE ELSE ON EARTH CAN SAY
THAT'S GONNA CHANGE MY MIND.
THIS COULD BE DANGEROUS.
I KNOW IT CAN BE DANGEROUS,
BUT IT'S REALLY JUST A MATTER
OF WHERE I GET STATIONED.
THE AIRPORT OR A DEPARTMENT
STORE IS NOT THAT BAD.
BUT IF THEY SEND ME
TO THE BUS STATION,
WELL, THAT COULD BE
TREACHEROUS.
WAIT A MINUTE.
THE ARMY IS STATIONED
AT DEPARTMENT STORES?
THE SALUTATION ARMY
IS EVERYWHERE, MR. KYLE,
RINGING BELLS AND GETTING MONEY
FOR POOR PEOPLE.
YOU MADE ME RISK A TRIP
TO PEBBLE BEACH
BECAUSE THIS KNUCKLEHEAD
ENROLLED IN THE SALUTATION ARMY?
WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW. I THOUGHT
HE JOINED THE REAL ARMY.
OH, NO.
THAT'S TOO DANGEROUS.
I HAVE MY WHOLE FUTURE
AHEAD OF ME.
YOUR MOTHER PUT YOU UP TO THIS.
YOUR MO...
YOU'RE NOT GONNA STOP ME.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA STOP ME!
♪ DOO-DOO DOO, DOO DOO DOO
DOO-DEE-DOO ♪
HEY.
YOU READY TO GO?
YEP. I'M ALL PACKED.
LISTEN, JAY,
IF YOU REALLY DON'T WANT ME
TO GO, I'LL STAY.
I REALLY DON'T WANT YOU
TO GO.
NO, I MEAN, IF YOU REALLY,
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY
DON'T WANT ME TO GO,
THEN I'M GONNA JUST
PUT THE BAG DOWN AND STAY.
I REALLY DON'T WANT YOU
TO GO.
I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY.
I'M TRYING TO SAY
THAT IF YOU, JAY,
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY,
REALLY, REALLY,
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY
WANT ME, MIKE, TO STAY,
THEN I, MIKE, WILL REALLY,
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY,
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY,
REALLY, REALLY
PUT THE BAG DOWN
FOR YOU, JAY, AND STAY.
OKAY, I WANT YOU TO GO,
BECAUSE IF YOU STAY,
YOU'RE REALLY, REALLY, REALLY,
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY
GONNA BE MISERABLE,
AND THAT'LL MAKE ME
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY,
REALLY MISERABLE, TOO.
GOOD. I'LL REALLY, REALLY
SEE YOU ON MONDAY.
MICHAEL.
OH, I KNEW IT WAS REALLY,
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY,
REALLY, REALLY TOO EASY.
WHAT?
HERE.
WHAT'S THIS?
YOUR FAVORITE SUBMARINE SANDWICH
THAT I MADE FOR THE PICNIC.
I DON'T WANT IT
TO GO TO WASTE,
AND I KNOW HOW BAD
THE AIRPLANE FOOD IS, SO...
WHAT'D YOU DO,
PUT SOME GLASS IN IT?
NO!
RAT POISON?
NO.
ANTHRAX?
NO!
THANK YOU.
THAT'S VERY SWEET OF YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
LOOK, BABY, IF THIS WAS
ANY OTHER GOLF COURSE
IN THE WORLD...
OKAY, MICHAEL,
MICHAEL, MICHAEL,
JUST GO
AND ENJOY YOURSELF.
CALL ME WHEN YOU GET
TO PEBBLE BEACH.
W-WHAT'D YOU SAY?
PEBBLE BEACH.
UH, PEBBLE...
SAY AGAIN.
BEACH.
WHAT IS THE EMPHASIS ON...
...THE PEBBLE OR THE BEACH?
MICHAEL, JUST GO, GO.
BYE.
BYE.
DADDY!
BYE, SWEETHEART.
I'LL CALL YOU
FROM PEBBLE BEACH, OKAY?
DADDY, WAIT!
BABY, I CAN'T.
I'M RUNNING LATE.
NO, I NEED YOU!
WE'LL REHEARSE THE DANCE
WHEN I GET BACK, I PROMISE YOU.
WE'LL HAVE PLENTY OF TIME.
NO, I HAVE A SPLINTER!
WELL, GO ASK YOUR MOTHER.
SHE CAN GET THAT OUT.
NO, SHE DOESN'T KNOW
HOW TO DO IT!
NOBODY DOES IT RIGHT
BUT YOU!
10 SECONDS, MIKE,
OR WE'RE LEAVING WITHOUT YOU!
IT HURTS!
COME HERE, COME HERE,
COME HERE.
LET ME TAKE A LOOK
AT THIS.
WOW, THAT'S
A PRETTY BIG SPLINTER.
HOW'D YOU GET THIS?
I DON'T KNOW.
I THINK I CAN GET IT OUT.
I WANT YOU TO CLOSE YOUR EYES
AND SAY "HOW MUCH WOOD
COULD A WOODCHUCK CHUCK
IF A WOODCHUCK
COULD CHUCK WOOD?"
WHAT?
GOT IT.
I'M GONNA SEE YOU
IN A COUPLE DAYS, ALL RIGHT?
THANKS, DADDY.
WAIT, I ALMOST FORGOT
SOMETHING.
THAT'S THE MAGIC HEALING KISS.
ALL BETTER?
NOW IT IS. I'M SORRY
IF YOU MISSED YOUR FLIGHT.
HEY, SOME THINGS
ARE MORE IMPORTANT
THAN A STUPID TRIP
TO PEBBLE BEACH.
[ DOOR OPENS ]
OH, MY... MICHAEL.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
WELL [SIGHS]
I WAS AT THE AIRPORT
WITH ALL MY FRIENDS,
I WAS ABOUT
TO GET ON THE PLANE,
AND I GUESS
MY CONSCIENCE KICKED IN
BECAUSE I REALIZED THAT...
I LEFT MY BEST FRIEND
AT HOME.
THAT'S VERY SWEET.
NO,YOU'RE VERY SWEET.
AND I APPRECIATE
HOW YOU JUST LET ME COME
TO THIS CONCLUSION MYSELF.
VERY PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE,
BUT IT WORKED.
[ LAUGHS ]
I WAS HOPING THAT WE COULD
STILL HAVE
OUR LITTLE PICNIC
IN THE WILD FLOWERS.
NO, IT'S DEFINITELY
TOO LATE FOR THAT.
THE WILD FLOWERS DON'T COME BACK
FOR ANOTHER YEAR.
WELL, THAT'S
NOT NECESSARILY TRUE
BECAUSE, ON THE WAY BACK,
I SAW IN THIS LITTLE FIELD
ACROSS FROM THE AIRPORT...
SOME FLOWERS.
OH!
THESE ARE BEAUTIFUL!
OH.
SO, UH...
OH, MICHAEL!
PUT ON A LITTLE MUSIC.
COULD YOU POUR ME
SOME CHAMPAGNE. I CAN.
WE'RE HAVING A PICNIC.
YOU WERE GONNA DO SOMETHING
WITH THOSE STRAWBERRIES.
YOU REMEMBER THAT, HUH?
WELL, LET ME TELL YOU
WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
COME HERE.
LET ME WHISPER IT TO YOU.
[ WHISPERING ]
YOU AIN'T GONNA PUT
A STRAWBERRY THERE!
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
HE'S A LITTLE SHORT
TO BE A PALLBEARER.
WELL, SEE, GRANT-MA
ONLY HAD ONE LEG,
AND ACTUALLY, TECHNICALLY,
IT WAS JUST A STUB.
IT JUST CAME,
LIKE, RIGHT HERE.
IT'S LIKE HIP, NOTHING.
AND SO WE'RE GONNA LET HIM
[laughing]
CARRY THAT SIDE.
[ LAUGHS ]
MICHAEL, MICHAEL,
MICHAEL, MICHAEL.
SHE WAS JEALOUS, JAY.
I'D BE OUT THERE PLAYING
WITH GRANT-PA,
AND SHE'D COME OUT THERE
LIKE THIS.
"MNH-MNH-MNH,
LOOK AT Y'ALL."
[ LAUGHS ]
I WAS TRYING
NOT TO LOOK AT HIM!
"MNH-MNH, LOOK AT Y'ALL."
[ LAUGHS ]
UH, EXCUSE ME, MELONHEAD,
THIS IS MY SPOT.
PARDON ME?
YEAH, I'M IN DEPARTURES.
YOU'RE DOWNSTAIRS IN ARRIVALS.
LISTEN, BROTHER, WE'RE ON
THE SAME TEAM HERE, SAME ARMY.
YES, BUT YOU'RE GONNA BE ON THE
ARMY DOWNSTAIRS IN ARRIVALS.
UH, NO, I'M NOT.
DOWN YOU GO.
I DON'T KNOW YOU.
AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH!
AAH!