My Wife and Kids (2001–2005): Season 5, Episode 21 - Celibacy - full transcript
When Jay tells Michael that their love life will be even better if they are celibate for six months, Michael is willing to abide by her wishes, although reluctantly. Meanwhile, Franklin and Kady plant some seeds in the ground to s...
[ WHISTLING SOFTLY ]
ARE YOU WATCHING ME READ?
YEP. JUST WAITING
TILL YOU'RE DONE.
FOR WHAT? YOU
KNOW. [ CLICKS TONGUE ]
[ CLICKS TONGUE ]
NO, I DON'T KNOW.
WELL, I FIGURED WE'D TAKE
A COUPLE OF LAPS
AROUND THE BEDROOM, BURN
A COUPLE OF CALORIES, YOU KNOW.
[ LAUGHS ]
[ LAUGHS ]
WHAT WOULD GIVE YOU THAT IDEA?
WELL, SINCE YOU'RE READING
THIS BOOK ABOUT SEX,
I FIGURE THERE'S NOTHING
TO IT BUT TO DO IT,
PUT IT INTO PRACTICE.
OH, DID YOU, NOW, HUH?
MM-HMM.
WHAT'S THIS YOU'RE READING?
"TYPHOON SEX."
WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
WE GONNA DO IT
IN THE SHOWER?
SINCE YOU'RE ASKING, MAYBE WE
ARE GONNA DO IT IN THE SHOWER.
WELL, GOOD,
I'LL GO RUN THE WATER.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, MAYBE
WE'RE GONNA DO IT EVERYWHERE.
I BETTER STRETCH FOR THIS.
[ LAUGHS ]
GET THAT...
GET THAT WORKING.
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I THINK WE ARE GOING TO HAVE
THE MOST INCREDIBLE
SEXUAL EXPERIENCE
WE HAVE EVER HAD
IN OUR ENTIRE LIVES...
I'LL GO GET THAT OIL.
...IN SIX MONTHS.
IN SIX MONTHS? WE'RE GONNA
HAVE SEX FOR SIX MONTHS?
YEAH, MY GIRL'S A FREAK!
♪ SIX MONTHS,
SIX MONTHS ♪
♪ WE GONNA DO IT
FOR SIX MONTHS ♪
NO, NO, NO. ♪ WE GONNA
DO IT FOR SIX MONTHS ♪
NOT FOR. ♪ GOT TO TAKE A LEAVE
OF ABSENCE FOR SIX MONTHS ♪
MICHAEL.
WHAT?
NOT FOR SIX MONTHS,
IN SIX MONTHS.
WHAT HAPPENS IN SIX MONTHS?
WE HAVE SEX.
AND WHAT DO WE DO
IN THE MEANTIME?
OH, THERE'S A LOT THAT'S GONNA
HAPPEN IN THE MEANTIME.
WHEN I SAY WE'RE NOT GONNA
HAVE SEX FOR SIX MONTHS,
WE'RE NOT GONNA HAVE THE KIND
OF SEX THAT WE'VE BEEN HAVING.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE NEW
AND DIFFERENT KIND OF SEX.
SO, I FINALLY
WORE YOU DOWN, HUH?
NO. I'M STILL NOT DOING
THAT, OKAY?
IT DON'T HURT.
NO.
I SAID NO.
NO, MICHAEL.
I'M TALKING ABOUT HAVING SEX
ON A MENTAL LEVEL.
IT'S ALMOST LIKE ENJOYING
EVERY BITE OF A MEAL
TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY
WITHOUT DIGESTING.
THAT DON'T MAKE NO SENSE.
NO. YOU LEARN TO BE SATISFIED
IN DIFFERENT WAYS.
AND AFTER THOSE SIX MONTHS,
WHEN YOU FINALLY HAVE
THAT PHYSICAL SEX,
IT'S LIKE A TYPHOON.
[ IMITATING STORM ]
OOH, I FELT THAT.
YOU FEEL THAT?
I DON'T NEED A TYPHOON.
I'LL BE HAPPY WITH A DRIZZLE,
AN OCCASIONAL SUN SHOWER,
A LITTLE MIST... PSST...
LIKE THAT.
I'M REALLY COOL...
A LITTLE MIST... PSST.
MICHAEL,
IT'S AN ANCIENT PRACTICE
THAT HEIGHTENS
YOUR SEXUAL AWARENESS.
WELL, THAT'S WHY
IT'S ANCIENT,
'CAUSE PEOPLE GAVE UP
ON THAT YEARS AGO.
NO. NO. NO.
PEOPLE BELIEVE IN IT.
THEY THINK IT WORKS.
YEAH, I'M SURE IT DOES.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
NOT EATING FOR SIX MONTHS
WOULD MAKE A RAISIN
TASTE LIKE STEAK.
BUT IT AIN'T RIGHT.
[ Imitating Scooby Doo ]
NO, WE DON'T THINK SO.
WELL, I WANT TO TRY IT.
COME ON, MICHAEL,
USE YOUR IMAGINATION.
WHERE'S YOUR SENSE
OF ADVENTURE?
IN MY DRAWERS.
WHERE'S YOUR WILLINGNESS
TO EXPERIMENT?
IN MY DRAWERS.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
BABY, DO I HAVE A CHOICE?
NO, NOT IF YOU WANT
TO HAVE SEX WITH ME.
CAN I HAVE SEX
WITH SOMEONE ELSE?
NO. THEN I GUESS
I HAVE NO CHOICE.
THANK YOU, BABY. SEE.
THANK YOU, BABY!
THIS IS GONNA BE FANTASTIC!
JUST THINK ABOUT WHAT'S GONNA
HAPPEN IN SIX MONTHS, BABY.
JUST KEEP YOUR EYES
ON THE PRIZE.
HERE, I'LL GIVE YOU THE TYPHOON.
[ IMITATES STORM ]
♪ HAPPY DAYS
ARE HERE AGAIN ♪
♪ THE SKIES ARE BRIGHT
AND CLEAR AGAIN ♪
[ HUMMING ]
♪ HAPPY DAYS
ARE HERE AGAIN ♪
ISN'T THAT
A WONDERFUL SONG?
THIS IS THE DAY
THEY WRITE SONGS ABOUT.
YOU'RE SO SWEET.
WANT SOME CEREAL?
I DON'T NEED TO EAT.
I'M SUSTAINED BY YOUR BEAUTY.
OKAY, MORE CINNAMON TOAST
FOR ME.
OH, THAT'S DIFFERENT.
I'LL HAVE SOME.
YOU KNOW,
I HAVE A WONDERFUL IDEA.
HOW ABOUT WE GROW SOMETHING
TO SYMBOLIZE OUR LOVE?
THAT'S VERY ROMANTIC.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA GROW,
A FEW INCHES?
[ LAUGHS ]
SEE THE FACE?
SEE THE FACE?
NOT FUNNY.
WELL, I COULDN'T RESIST.
NO, SERIOUSLY, WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA GROW, SOME ROSES?
PERHAPS.
I HAVE THESE SEEDS.
WHAT ARE THEY?
I DON'T KNOW.
I FOUND THEM IN THE STREET.
THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF THEM.
IT'S A MYSTERY
LIKE LOVE ITSELF.
YOU DON'T KNOW
HOW IT'S GONNA TURN OUT,
BUT THE JOY
IS WATCHING IT DEVELOP
AND DISCOVERING WHAT
IT'S GONNA BECOME OVER TIME.
YOU KNOW, I'M SO HAPPY
I COULD SING "HAPPY DAYS" AGAIN.
COME ON,
LET'S SING IT TOGETHER.
♪ HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN
♪ THE SKIES ARE BRIGHT
AND CLEAR AGAIN ♪
[ HUMMING ]
♪ HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN
ISN'T THIS SENSUAL?
NO!
THIS WOULD BE SENSUAL.
NO, MICHAEL! STOP!
STOP!
JAY, I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH
MORE OF THIS I CAN TAKE.
BABY, WE ARE DOING EXACTLY WHAT
THE BOOK SAYS WE SHOULD DO...
STARE AT EACH OTHER, TOUCH,
COMMUNICATE IN A NONSEXUAL WAY.
NOW, CAN'T YOU FEEL
YOUR SENSES HEIGHTENING?
YEAH, SOMETHING'S
GETTING HIGHER,
HIGHER, HIGHER,
HIGHER, HIGHER.
NO, THAT'S A GOOD THING.
THAT'S VERY GOOD,
BECAUSE, MICHAEL,
WE ONLY HAVE FIVE MONTHS AND TWO
WEEKS BEFORE THE TYPHOON HITS.
BABY, WE DO THIS FOR ONE
MORE HOUR... ANOTHER HOUR?
YEAH! THEN YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE A BREAKTHROUGH.
I JUST KNOW IT.
I CAN FEEL IT.
IT'S GONNA BE LIKE "ALIEN"...
BREAKTHROUGH.
[ CHUCKLES ]
FINE, MICHAEL,
WE'LL STOP FOR NOW.
JAY, THIS IS NOT SEX.
THIS IS... THIS IS TEASING.
IT'S FLIRTING.
IT'S LIKE HIGH SCHOOL.
YOU'LL GET USED TO IT.
IT'LL GROW ON YOU.
I DON'T...
[ IMITATES EXPLOSION ]
HEY, DAD, CAN I TALK TO YOU
FOR A MINUTE?
OKAY, YOU GOT
60 SECONDS. GO.
ALL RIGHT, IT'S ABOUT
VANESSA. 55. WHAT IS IT?
SHE WANTS SEX ALL THE TIME.
SHE'S WEARING ME OUT.
AND YOUR COMPLAINT IS?
MY COMPLAINT IS SHE'S A SEX
MACHINE, A LOVE BEAST.
SHE'S DRIVING ME CRAZY.
WELL, AS LUCK
WOULD HAVE IT... 40...
I HAVE THE PERFECT
SOLUTION FOR YOU.
WHAT IS IT? 35.
IT'S ACTUALLY 34.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS GIVE HER THIS BOOK
AND YOU'LL BE ON
A SIX-MONTH VACATION. 29.
SIX MONTHS, HUH?
I'LL GIVE IT A TRY.
Vanessa: OH, JUNIOR!
OH, GOD.
WISH ME LUCK, DAD.
I'M GLAD SOMEBODY'S
GETTING LUCKY.
UGH.
OH. UGH.
Whew!
HERE YOU GO, DAD.
WHAT HAPPENED?
DIDN'T WORK.
DAMN, I'M TIRED.
BOY, YOU STILL GOT
FIVE SECONDS LEFT TO TALK.
WELL, GREAT.
OH, JU-JU!
UGH. I DON'T KNOW
WHY I LET YOU TALK ME
INTO HAVING
SO MANY DRINKS.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU'RE A GROWN-UP.
YOU DRINK WHAT
YOU WANT TO DRINK.
YOU ONLY HAD THREE
LONG ISLAND ICED TEAS.
I ONLY HAD THREE?
I THOUGHT I HAD THREE.
WELL, THREE TIMES THREE.
OH.
COME ON. COME ON, BABY,
LET'S GO UPSTAIRS.
OH, MICHAEL, YOU KNOW
HOW I GET WHEN I GET TIPSY.
[ LAUGHS ] I SURE DO.
I GET CRAZY.
YOU SURE DO.
I AM OUT OF CONTROL.
OH, YEAH.
THAT'S HOW I WANT IT...
UNCONTROLLED.
[ LAUGHS ]
OH! OOH, MICHAEL,
DID YOU PLAN THIS?
JUST TELL ME.
MAYBE.
[ CHUCKLES ]
YOU SO BAD.
[ LAUGHS ]
COME HERE.
I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
COME CLOSER.
I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING.
GOOD PLAN.
I WANT TO GET BUSY.
WAIT, HO, HO, HO, WAIT, WAIT.
WHOA, BABY.
WHAT ABOUT THE FIVE MONTHS
WE STILL GOT LEFT TILL TYPHOON?
[ IMITATES STORM ]
WHAT? NUH-UNH, NUH-UNH. NO?
NUH-UNH.
I WANT YOU NOW, MICHAEL!
[ Crying ]
I WANT YOU RIGHT NOW!
OKAY, OKAY.
YOU'RE GONNA GET ME NOW.
[ BLUBBERING ]
Shh! OKAY, OKAY.
YOU GONNA GET ME RIGHT NOW.
YEAH.
I'LL RACE YOU UPSTAIRS.
HOLD ON.
TAKE THEM SHOES OFF.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU READY?
GO.
AAH HA!
BABY? BABY!
HEY, HEY, JAY,
COME ON, WAKE UP.
HEY, COME ON,
DON'T DO THIS TO ME, JAY.
COME HERE.
GET UP HERE.
JAY, I THOUGHT
WE WERE SUPPOSED
TO GO CRAZY
TOGETHER, REMEMBER?
DON'T YOU WANT TO
GO CRAZY, HUH? HMM?
I MEAN,
I COULD WORK WITH THIS.
A LITTLE FOREPLAY.
[ BABBLING ]
Shh! Shh! Shh.
WE'RE GONNA GET CRAZY.
Shh.
DON'T YOU WANT
TO GET CRAZY? Shh.
WE GONNA GET CRAZY.
MICHAEL, MICHAEL.
WHAT HAPPENED?
[ GURGLING ]
WHAT'S THAT? WHAT?
WHAT? WHAT?!
MICHAEL, I'M READY TO TH...
OH, NO, NO. NO, NOT YET.
HERE, LET'S GO UPSTAIRS,
AND YOU THROW UP, ALL RIGHT?
AND THEN WHEN YOU WIPE
YOUR MOUTH, WE GO CRAZY, OKAY?
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU HEAR THAT?
I HEAR THEM.
THAT'S JUNIOR AND VANESSA.
I HEAR THEM.
BOY, HE QUICK.
YES, HE IS.
WELL, WHY DO I HEAR THAT
SO CLEARLY?
BABY, I THINK OUR SENSES
ARE HEIGHTENED. LISTEN.
IT'S THE WILSONS.
OOH, HE'S QUICK, TOO.
AND THAT'S THE FITZSIMMONS.
[ GASPS ] AND HE HAS
A WOODEN LEG, MICHAEL.
HE SURE DOES.
OH, MY GOSH.
THIS IS INSANE, MICHAEL.
I THINK WE CAN HEAR EVERYBODY
IN THE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD.
WHO THAT? WHO THAT?!
POSSIBLY
THE WHOLE WORLD, BABE.
YOU KNOW WHAT,
LET'S TURN ON THE TV.
WE CAN DROWN
SOME OF THIS OUT.
GOOD IDEA.
GOOD IDEA. OKAY.
LOOK AT THIS... SEX.
MNH-MNH.
VIOLENT SEX.
MNH-MNH, NO.
CARTOON SEX?
FLUFF.
THAT'S KIND OF
INTERESTING, THOUGH.
[ IMITATES
WOODY WOODPECKER LAUGH ]
[ SIGHS ]
MICHAEL, THERE'S SEX EVERYWHERE.
WOULD YOU JUST TURN TO
THE NATURE CHANNEL OR SOMETHING.
Man: DURING THE MATING SEASON,
THE WILDEBEEST,
OTHERWISE MONOGAMOUS, TURNS
INTO A RAPACIOUS FORNICATOR.
TURN IT OFF.
JAY, BABY,
THIS IS KILLING ME.
BABY, YOU JUST GOT TO THINK
POSITIVELY, HONEY.
YOU GOT TO THINK
ABOUT THE TYPHOON.
COME ON.
LISTEN, THERE'S ONLY
FOUR MONTHS LEFT.
IMAGINE WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN
IN FOUR MONTHS.
IN FOUR MONTHS,
I'LL BE ABLE TO HEAR
BUGS DOING IT
IN CALIFORNIA.
OH, COME ON, HONEY.
THIS IS EXCITING,
AND YOU KNOW IT.
NO, IT'S EXCITING
TO YOU, JAY.
SEE, WOMEN ARE WIRED
DIFFERENTLY THAN MEN.
FOR YOU, THIS IS SIX MONTHS
OF FOREPLAY.
FOR ME, THIS IS
SIX MONTHS OF FOREPLAY!
[ SIGHS ] MICHAEL, COME ON.
THINK ABOUT IT.
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS,
AFTER ALL THIS TIME,
WE'RE LUSTING AFTER EACH OTHER
LIKE TWO TEENAGERS.
OH, BABY, THE INTENSITY IS BACK.
THE PASSION IS BACK.
DON'T... HEY, HEY,
DON'T SAY "BACK."
COME ON.
YOU CAN HANDLE IT, MICHAEL.
AND DON'T SAY "HANDLE."
DON'T SAY "IT."
AND PLEASE DON'T SAY
"COME ON."
MICHAEL, BUT YOU...
AND WHATEVER YOU SAY,
DON'T SAY "BUT," OKAY?
'CAUSE YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU WORKING WITH.
YOU GOT THAT WHOLE
J-LO THING GOING ON.
JUST A LOT OF JUNK
IN THAT TRUNK.
ALL RIGHT.
16 WEEKS, MICHAEL.
IN 16 WEEKS.
THAT'S ALL YOU GOT LEFT.
16 WEEKS.
CAN I... CAN I...
CAN I SEE IT?
NO.
IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.
IT IS, ISN'T IT?
AND IT SMELLS GREAT, TOO.
YEAH, IT DOES, DOESN'T IT?
IT REMINDS ME OF YOU.
IS IT DILL?
I THINK SO.
ARE YOU SAYING
I SMELL LIKE A PICKLE?
A SWEET PICKLE, MY DOVE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
HERE IT IS.
IT'S AN ARMAROSA SCENTALOSA
PLANT. WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S A WEED INDIGENOUS TO
[Italian accent] SOUTHERN ITALY
[Normal voice]
USED BY THE LOCAL POPULATION,
WHICH SOME THINK IS A
[Italian accent] LOVE POTION.
WOW.
[ Normal voice ] IT HEIGHTENS
THE SENSES, ELEVATES THE MOOD,
AND CAUSES A FEELING
OF WELL-BEING.
IT'S A [Italian accent]
FEEL-GOOD PLANT.
LET'S GIVE SOME TO MY MOM.
SHE'S COOKING A BIG MEAL
FOR MY DAD TONIGHT.
IT'S THEIR
"BIG NIGHT" ALONE.
MAMA MIA!
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
LET'S DO IT.
ISN'T THIS GREAT?
ISN'T THIS GREAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
WHY ARE WE DOING THIS AGAIN?
BECAUSE.
OH, MY GOSH.
THE BOOK SAYS THAT COOKING
CAN BE A SENSUAL EXPERIENCE.
AND WHEN YOU SHARE
THAT EXPERIENCE,
IT CAN BECOME
AN INTIMATE EXPERIENCE.
NOW YOU'RE TALKING.
A NONSEXUAL
INTIMATE EXPERIENCE.
NOW YOU'RE NOT TALKING.
MICHAEL, THE GOAL
IS TO TEASE EACH OTHER
AND TAKE IT
TO THE NEXT LEVEL.
NOW YOU'RE TALKING AGAIN.
BUT WE FALL SHORT
OF ACTUAL CONTACT.
NOW YOU'RE
NOT TALKING AGAIN.
MICHAEL, I AM TRYING TO
STIMULATE ALL OF YOUR SENSES.
[ French accent ] THAT IS WHY
I AM DRESSED THIS WAY.
THAT IS WHY
I SMELL THIS WAY.
THAT IS WHY
I HAVE SENT THE KIDS AWAY.
I AM SEEKING TO CREATE
THE PERFECT CONDITIONS
[Normal voice]
TO NOT HAVE SEX.
OKAY, THEN
LET'S START COOKING.
YEAH, LET'S START COOKING.
WHAT'S ON THE MENU?
AH, LET'S START COOKING.
WHAT'S ON THE MENU?
WITH POMEGRANATES AND SPINACH
AND, BABY, FOR DESSERT,
CUPCAKES FILLED
WITH A CHOCOLATE GANACHE.
WHAT'S GANACHE?
IT'S AN AMAZING ICING
WITH CHOCOLATE AND CREAM.
HMM, GANACHE,
THAT SOUNDS G-G-GOOD.
SEE, I TOLD YOU
YOU'D GET INTO IT.
YEAH. I WISH I COULD GET
INTO SOMETHING ELSE,
BUT APPARENTLY THAT'S ALL
I'M GETTING INTO.
OKAY, MICHAEL,
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'D MAKE THIS EASIER
ON YOURSELF
IF YOU STOP CONCENTRATING ON SEX
AND CONCENTRATE ON COOKING.
ALL RIGHT, FAIR ENOUGH.
I WILL ONLY THINK ABOUT COOKING.
THANK YOU.
I WILL ON... COOKING.
COOKING. LET'S GO.
OKAY, COOKING.
ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT
ALL THE INGREDIENTS?
I THINK I DO.
OKAY. YOU GOT YOUR
GUINEA FOWL? CHECK.
YOU HAVE YOUR, UH,
RICOTTA CHEESE? CHECK.
YOU HAVE YOUR THYME?
OH, YES, BABY.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I GOT ALL OF THIS FROM THE KIDS.
THEY GREW IT AND GAVE IT TO ME.
ISN'T IT GOOD? SMELLS GOOD.
SMELLS... MMM, WOW,
THAT DOES SMELL GOOD.
YEAH.
OKAY.
READ THE INSTRUCTIONS.
OKAY. IT SAYS HERE,
"REMOVE... TH-TH-THIGHS
AND B-B-B-BREASTS-S-S-S."
I CAN'T DO THIS.
COME ON, MICHAEL.
THIS IS SUPPOSED TO KEEP
MY MIND OFF OF SEX?
JUST MOVE, MOVE. OOH,
GANACHE, THAT FEELS GOOD.
WOULD YOU...
COME ON.
LET ME DO IT.
OKAY.
"USING YOUR FINGERS...
MM-HMM.
...GENTLY RUB THE SKIN
WITH YOUR RICOTTA.
MM-HMM.
"THEN, WHEN IT'S READY,
GENTLY SLIDE THE BIRD
INTO THE OVEN."
NO, SHOVE THAT BIRD
INTO THE OVEN.
OKAY, YOU GOT TO GO!
BYE!
WHAT?
NO, MICHAEL, NO!
I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA
DO THIS TOGETHER.
NO. I'LL MAKE IT.
I'LL COOK IT.
I DON'T NEED A RECIPE.
AND YOU GOT TO GO.
GANACHE, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
GOODBYE.
GANACHE, GET AWAY FROM ME.
OH.
MMM.
WHOO, BABY, THIS IS THE BEST
FOOD I EVER HAD IN MY LIFE.
AIN'T IT GOOD?
MMM. DAMN, I USUALLY
DON'T LIKE THAT PART.
YEAH, I KNOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT, MICHAEL?
HMM?
YOU KNOW WHAT
I THINK IT WAS?
WHAT MADE IT SO GOOD?
I THINK IT WAS THAT THYME.
THE THYME. YEAH, LET ME GET
A LITTLE HIT OF THAT.
NO!
DON'T I GET A HIT?
DAG, MICHAEL,
YOU'RE SO GREEDY.
WAIT, NOTHING UP MY SLEEVE.
PRESTO.
[ LAUGHING ]
MAGIC.
WHOO.
OKAY.
WHAT'S WRONG?
I FEEL GOOD.
YOU DO? I FEEL ALL
LOOSE AND RUBBERY.
ME TOO.
YOU KNOW WHAT I FEEL LIKE?
WHAT YOU FEEL LIKE?
I FEEL LIKE THE WHOLE WORLD
IS BUTTERSCOTCH
AND I'M SWIMMING
THROUGH IT.
OOH, LOOK OUT, WORLD.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
YOU KNOW WHAT WE NEED TO DO?
WE NEED TO FOCUS.
HOW YOU SPELLING THAT,
WITH A "U" OR AN "O"?
I DIDN'T GRADUATE.
BOTH OF THEM 'CAUSE IT'S...
[ LAUGHING ]
MAGIC.
HEY, YOU KNOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT, WAIT.
PSH, PSH.
WE SHOULD GET
THE CHOCOLATE GANACHE.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
OKAY, OKAY, WAIT A MINUTE.
OKAY. WHO'S GETTING UP,
ME OR YOU?
OKAY, WE'RE BOTH
GONNA GET UP.
OKAY, READY?
ONE, TWO, THREE.
[ LAUGHS ]
MY UP IS DOWN.
BETTER GO GET
THE CHOCOLATE.
OKAY.
GET THE CHOCOLATE.
HEY, BABY, YOU GOT
YOUR CHOCOLATE?
OH, I GOT MY CHOCOLATE.
YOU GOT
YOUR WHIPPED CREAM?
IS THAT SEXY?
YES.
OKAY, WAIT.
WHAT?
COME ON NOW,
FOCUS AND CONCENTRATE.
ERASE, DELETE.
AND EXHALE.
[ COUGHS ]
OKAY. WHAT WE GOT
TO DO NOW?
OKAY. OKAY, VERY SERIOUS.
WE'RE SERIOUS.
WHAT WE GOT TO DO IS TAKE
EVERYTHING OFF THE TABLE,
AND THEN YOU TAKE YOUR CLOTHES
OFF AND GET ON THE TABLE.
NO, WE GOT TO DO
THE RECIPE FIRST.
OKAY. OH, I FORGOT.
[ LAUGHS ]
OH! OH!
WHAT?! WHAT?!
YOU KNOW
WHAT WE SHOULD DO?
WHAT, BABY?
WE SHOULD PUT
THAT THYME IN.
OHH!
YEAH.
LET ME GET A HIT.
LET ME GET A HIT.
BABY, BABY, BABY,
LET ME GET A HIT.
YOU SO GREEDY. HERE.
MMM.
AH, THAT'S IT.
OKAY, PUT IT IN THE CHOCOLATE.
PUT IT IN THE CHOCOLATE!
YOU DROPPED IT. WHOOPSIE.
WHOOPSIE.
OOPSIE.
WHOO, SEE, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
THAT'S SOME BEAUTIFUL THYME.
THAT LOOKED LIKE
A GREAT THYME RIGHT THERE.
OH, WHOA, MORE THYME.
OH.
WHOO!
OKAY, OKAY.
OH, YOU DROPPED IT AGAIN.
WHOA.
YAY!
LOOK AT HER GET
THAT THYME! YAY!
OKAY, COME ON OVER HERE, BABY.
COME HERE.
OH, YOU'RE JUST A THYME-GETTING
LITTLE HEIFER THERE.
OKAY, STIR IT.
OKAY. HERE. LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
STIRRING.
OH, LOOK AT THE SWIRLS!
IT'S SWIRLING.
YOU GOT YOUR SWIRL ON!
[ LAUGHS ]
I'M MAGIC.
WAIT! OH, LOOK AT THAT!
WHAT, WHAT?
IT LOOKS LIKE
THE WHOLE UNIVERSE.
YEAH, AT THE BEGINNING.
WHAT?
WITH THE BIG... BANG!
[ BOTH LAUGHING ]
OKAY, SERIOUS.
FOCUS.
OKAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHAT?
WHAT I GOT TO DO
IS TAKE THE GANACHE
AND DRIZZLE IT
OVER THE CUPCAKES.
WHAT CUPCAKES?
YOU GOT THE CUPCAKES.
[ LAUGHS ]
MAGIC.
OKAY, CONCENTRATE, BABY.
OKAY.
COME HERE.
COME CLOSER TO ME.
LET'S STIR THIS.
OOH. MICHAEL?
WHAT, BABY?
DO YOU HEAR THE RAIN?
I HEAR THE DRIZZLE.
BABY, NO, IT'S POURING.
IT'S POURING?
MICHAEL,
DO YOU HEAR THE WIND?
OH, BABY, THAT'S...
AAH! AAH! COME BACK!
COME BACK! COME BACK!
DO YOU FEEL IT?
I FEEL IT, BABY.
MICHAEL, YOU KNOW WHAT
I THINK THIS IS?
TELL ME WHAT
YOU THINK THIS IS.
I THINK IT'S A...
WHISPER IT. WHISPER IT.
Typhoon.
OH, YEAH.
IT'S A TYPHOON.
HOT DAMN.
[ BOTH LAUGHING ]
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
WHOA, WHAT HAPPENED
IN HERE?
IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S BEEN HIT
BY A TYPHOON.
IMAGINE! [ LAUGHS ]
[ LAUGHS ]
IT LOOKS LIKE
THE WHOLE UNIVERSE.
YEAH, IN THE BEGINNING.
YEAH.
WHEN THE FIRST BIG BANG.
[ LAUGHS ]
IMAGINE.
DO IT AGAIN!
DO IT AGAIN!
THE BIG BANG. HA!
HEY, AIN'T I SEXY?
[ LAUGHS ]
ARE YOU WATCHING ME READ?
YEP. JUST WAITING
TILL YOU'RE DONE.
FOR WHAT? YOU
KNOW. [ CLICKS TONGUE ]
[ CLICKS TONGUE ]
NO, I DON'T KNOW.
WELL, I FIGURED WE'D TAKE
A COUPLE OF LAPS
AROUND THE BEDROOM, BURN
A COUPLE OF CALORIES, YOU KNOW.
[ LAUGHS ]
[ LAUGHS ]
WHAT WOULD GIVE YOU THAT IDEA?
WELL, SINCE YOU'RE READING
THIS BOOK ABOUT SEX,
I FIGURE THERE'S NOTHING
TO IT BUT TO DO IT,
PUT IT INTO PRACTICE.
OH, DID YOU, NOW, HUH?
MM-HMM.
WHAT'S THIS YOU'RE READING?
"TYPHOON SEX."
WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
WE GONNA DO IT
IN THE SHOWER?
SINCE YOU'RE ASKING, MAYBE WE
ARE GONNA DO IT IN THE SHOWER.
WELL, GOOD,
I'LL GO RUN THE WATER.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, MAYBE
WE'RE GONNA DO IT EVERYWHERE.
I BETTER STRETCH FOR THIS.
[ LAUGHS ]
GET THAT...
GET THAT WORKING.
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I THINK WE ARE GOING TO HAVE
THE MOST INCREDIBLE
SEXUAL EXPERIENCE
WE HAVE EVER HAD
IN OUR ENTIRE LIVES...
I'LL GO GET THAT OIL.
...IN SIX MONTHS.
IN SIX MONTHS? WE'RE GONNA
HAVE SEX FOR SIX MONTHS?
YEAH, MY GIRL'S A FREAK!
♪ SIX MONTHS,
SIX MONTHS ♪
♪ WE GONNA DO IT
FOR SIX MONTHS ♪
NO, NO, NO. ♪ WE GONNA
DO IT FOR SIX MONTHS ♪
NOT FOR. ♪ GOT TO TAKE A LEAVE
OF ABSENCE FOR SIX MONTHS ♪
MICHAEL.
WHAT?
NOT FOR SIX MONTHS,
IN SIX MONTHS.
WHAT HAPPENS IN SIX MONTHS?
WE HAVE SEX.
AND WHAT DO WE DO
IN THE MEANTIME?
OH, THERE'S A LOT THAT'S GONNA
HAPPEN IN THE MEANTIME.
WHEN I SAY WE'RE NOT GONNA
HAVE SEX FOR SIX MONTHS,
WE'RE NOT GONNA HAVE THE KIND
OF SEX THAT WE'VE BEEN HAVING.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE NEW
AND DIFFERENT KIND OF SEX.
SO, I FINALLY
WORE YOU DOWN, HUH?
NO. I'M STILL NOT DOING
THAT, OKAY?
IT DON'T HURT.
NO.
I SAID NO.
NO, MICHAEL.
I'M TALKING ABOUT HAVING SEX
ON A MENTAL LEVEL.
IT'S ALMOST LIKE ENJOYING
EVERY BITE OF A MEAL
TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY
WITHOUT DIGESTING.
THAT DON'T MAKE NO SENSE.
NO. YOU LEARN TO BE SATISFIED
IN DIFFERENT WAYS.
AND AFTER THOSE SIX MONTHS,
WHEN YOU FINALLY HAVE
THAT PHYSICAL SEX,
IT'S LIKE A TYPHOON.
[ IMITATING STORM ]
OOH, I FELT THAT.
YOU FEEL THAT?
I DON'T NEED A TYPHOON.
I'LL BE HAPPY WITH A DRIZZLE,
AN OCCASIONAL SUN SHOWER,
A LITTLE MIST... PSST...
LIKE THAT.
I'M REALLY COOL...
A LITTLE MIST... PSST.
MICHAEL,
IT'S AN ANCIENT PRACTICE
THAT HEIGHTENS
YOUR SEXUAL AWARENESS.
WELL, THAT'S WHY
IT'S ANCIENT,
'CAUSE PEOPLE GAVE UP
ON THAT YEARS AGO.
NO. NO. NO.
PEOPLE BELIEVE IN IT.
THEY THINK IT WORKS.
YEAH, I'M SURE IT DOES.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
NOT EATING FOR SIX MONTHS
WOULD MAKE A RAISIN
TASTE LIKE STEAK.
BUT IT AIN'T RIGHT.
[ Imitating Scooby Doo ]
NO, WE DON'T THINK SO.
WELL, I WANT TO TRY IT.
COME ON, MICHAEL,
USE YOUR IMAGINATION.
WHERE'S YOUR SENSE
OF ADVENTURE?
IN MY DRAWERS.
WHERE'S YOUR WILLINGNESS
TO EXPERIMENT?
IN MY DRAWERS.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
BABY, DO I HAVE A CHOICE?
NO, NOT IF YOU WANT
TO HAVE SEX WITH ME.
CAN I HAVE SEX
WITH SOMEONE ELSE?
NO. THEN I GUESS
I HAVE NO CHOICE.
THANK YOU, BABY. SEE.
THANK YOU, BABY!
THIS IS GONNA BE FANTASTIC!
JUST THINK ABOUT WHAT'S GONNA
HAPPEN IN SIX MONTHS, BABY.
JUST KEEP YOUR EYES
ON THE PRIZE.
HERE, I'LL GIVE YOU THE TYPHOON.
[ IMITATES STORM ]
♪ HAPPY DAYS
ARE HERE AGAIN ♪
♪ THE SKIES ARE BRIGHT
AND CLEAR AGAIN ♪
[ HUMMING ]
♪ HAPPY DAYS
ARE HERE AGAIN ♪
ISN'T THAT
A WONDERFUL SONG?
THIS IS THE DAY
THEY WRITE SONGS ABOUT.
YOU'RE SO SWEET.
WANT SOME CEREAL?
I DON'T NEED TO EAT.
I'M SUSTAINED BY YOUR BEAUTY.
OKAY, MORE CINNAMON TOAST
FOR ME.
OH, THAT'S DIFFERENT.
I'LL HAVE SOME.
YOU KNOW,
I HAVE A WONDERFUL IDEA.
HOW ABOUT WE GROW SOMETHING
TO SYMBOLIZE OUR LOVE?
THAT'S VERY ROMANTIC.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA GROW,
A FEW INCHES?
[ LAUGHS ]
SEE THE FACE?
SEE THE FACE?
NOT FUNNY.
WELL, I COULDN'T RESIST.
NO, SERIOUSLY, WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA GROW, SOME ROSES?
PERHAPS.
I HAVE THESE SEEDS.
WHAT ARE THEY?
I DON'T KNOW.
I FOUND THEM IN THE STREET.
THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF THEM.
IT'S A MYSTERY
LIKE LOVE ITSELF.
YOU DON'T KNOW
HOW IT'S GONNA TURN OUT,
BUT THE JOY
IS WATCHING IT DEVELOP
AND DISCOVERING WHAT
IT'S GONNA BECOME OVER TIME.
YOU KNOW, I'M SO HAPPY
I COULD SING "HAPPY DAYS" AGAIN.
COME ON,
LET'S SING IT TOGETHER.
♪ HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN
♪ THE SKIES ARE BRIGHT
AND CLEAR AGAIN ♪
[ HUMMING ]
♪ HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN
ISN'T THIS SENSUAL?
NO!
THIS WOULD BE SENSUAL.
NO, MICHAEL! STOP!
STOP!
JAY, I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH
MORE OF THIS I CAN TAKE.
BABY, WE ARE DOING EXACTLY WHAT
THE BOOK SAYS WE SHOULD DO...
STARE AT EACH OTHER, TOUCH,
COMMUNICATE IN A NONSEXUAL WAY.
NOW, CAN'T YOU FEEL
YOUR SENSES HEIGHTENING?
YEAH, SOMETHING'S
GETTING HIGHER,
HIGHER, HIGHER,
HIGHER, HIGHER.
NO, THAT'S A GOOD THING.
THAT'S VERY GOOD,
BECAUSE, MICHAEL,
WE ONLY HAVE FIVE MONTHS AND TWO
WEEKS BEFORE THE TYPHOON HITS.
BABY, WE DO THIS FOR ONE
MORE HOUR... ANOTHER HOUR?
YEAH! THEN YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE A BREAKTHROUGH.
I JUST KNOW IT.
I CAN FEEL IT.
IT'S GONNA BE LIKE "ALIEN"...
BREAKTHROUGH.
[ CHUCKLES ]
FINE, MICHAEL,
WE'LL STOP FOR NOW.
JAY, THIS IS NOT SEX.
THIS IS... THIS IS TEASING.
IT'S FLIRTING.
IT'S LIKE HIGH SCHOOL.
YOU'LL GET USED TO IT.
IT'LL GROW ON YOU.
I DON'T...
[ IMITATES EXPLOSION ]
HEY, DAD, CAN I TALK TO YOU
FOR A MINUTE?
OKAY, YOU GOT
60 SECONDS. GO.
ALL RIGHT, IT'S ABOUT
VANESSA. 55. WHAT IS IT?
SHE WANTS SEX ALL THE TIME.
SHE'S WEARING ME OUT.
AND YOUR COMPLAINT IS?
MY COMPLAINT IS SHE'S A SEX
MACHINE, A LOVE BEAST.
SHE'S DRIVING ME CRAZY.
WELL, AS LUCK
WOULD HAVE IT... 40...
I HAVE THE PERFECT
SOLUTION FOR YOU.
WHAT IS IT? 35.
IT'S ACTUALLY 34.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS GIVE HER THIS BOOK
AND YOU'LL BE ON
A SIX-MONTH VACATION. 29.
SIX MONTHS, HUH?
I'LL GIVE IT A TRY.
Vanessa: OH, JUNIOR!
OH, GOD.
WISH ME LUCK, DAD.
I'M GLAD SOMEBODY'S
GETTING LUCKY.
UGH.
OH. UGH.
Whew!
HERE YOU GO, DAD.
WHAT HAPPENED?
DIDN'T WORK.
DAMN, I'M TIRED.
BOY, YOU STILL GOT
FIVE SECONDS LEFT TO TALK.
WELL, GREAT.
OH, JU-JU!
UGH. I DON'T KNOW
WHY I LET YOU TALK ME
INTO HAVING
SO MANY DRINKS.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU'RE A GROWN-UP.
YOU DRINK WHAT
YOU WANT TO DRINK.
YOU ONLY HAD THREE
LONG ISLAND ICED TEAS.
I ONLY HAD THREE?
I THOUGHT I HAD THREE.
WELL, THREE TIMES THREE.
OH.
COME ON. COME ON, BABY,
LET'S GO UPSTAIRS.
OH, MICHAEL, YOU KNOW
HOW I GET WHEN I GET TIPSY.
[ LAUGHS ] I SURE DO.
I GET CRAZY.
YOU SURE DO.
I AM OUT OF CONTROL.
OH, YEAH.
THAT'S HOW I WANT IT...
UNCONTROLLED.
[ LAUGHS ]
OH! OOH, MICHAEL,
DID YOU PLAN THIS?
JUST TELL ME.
MAYBE.
[ CHUCKLES ]
YOU SO BAD.
[ LAUGHS ]
COME HERE.
I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
COME CLOSER.
I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING.
GOOD PLAN.
I WANT TO GET BUSY.
WAIT, HO, HO, HO, WAIT, WAIT.
WHOA, BABY.
WHAT ABOUT THE FIVE MONTHS
WE STILL GOT LEFT TILL TYPHOON?
[ IMITATES STORM ]
WHAT? NUH-UNH, NUH-UNH. NO?
NUH-UNH.
I WANT YOU NOW, MICHAEL!
[ Crying ]
I WANT YOU RIGHT NOW!
OKAY, OKAY.
YOU'RE GONNA GET ME NOW.
[ BLUBBERING ]
Shh! OKAY, OKAY.
YOU GONNA GET ME RIGHT NOW.
YEAH.
I'LL RACE YOU UPSTAIRS.
HOLD ON.
TAKE THEM SHOES OFF.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU READY?
GO.
AAH HA!
BABY? BABY!
HEY, HEY, JAY,
COME ON, WAKE UP.
HEY, COME ON,
DON'T DO THIS TO ME, JAY.
COME HERE.
GET UP HERE.
JAY, I THOUGHT
WE WERE SUPPOSED
TO GO CRAZY
TOGETHER, REMEMBER?
DON'T YOU WANT TO
GO CRAZY, HUH? HMM?
I MEAN,
I COULD WORK WITH THIS.
A LITTLE FOREPLAY.
[ BABBLING ]
Shh! Shh! Shh.
WE'RE GONNA GET CRAZY.
Shh.
DON'T YOU WANT
TO GET CRAZY? Shh.
WE GONNA GET CRAZY.
MICHAEL, MICHAEL.
WHAT HAPPENED?
[ GURGLING ]
WHAT'S THAT? WHAT?
WHAT? WHAT?!
MICHAEL, I'M READY TO TH...
OH, NO, NO. NO, NOT YET.
HERE, LET'S GO UPSTAIRS,
AND YOU THROW UP, ALL RIGHT?
AND THEN WHEN YOU WIPE
YOUR MOUTH, WE GO CRAZY, OKAY?
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU HEAR THAT?
I HEAR THEM.
THAT'S JUNIOR AND VANESSA.
I HEAR THEM.
BOY, HE QUICK.
YES, HE IS.
WELL, WHY DO I HEAR THAT
SO CLEARLY?
BABY, I THINK OUR SENSES
ARE HEIGHTENED. LISTEN.
IT'S THE WILSONS.
OOH, HE'S QUICK, TOO.
AND THAT'S THE FITZSIMMONS.
[ GASPS ] AND HE HAS
A WOODEN LEG, MICHAEL.
HE SURE DOES.
OH, MY GOSH.
THIS IS INSANE, MICHAEL.
I THINK WE CAN HEAR EVERYBODY
IN THE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD.
WHO THAT? WHO THAT?!
POSSIBLY
THE WHOLE WORLD, BABE.
YOU KNOW WHAT,
LET'S TURN ON THE TV.
WE CAN DROWN
SOME OF THIS OUT.
GOOD IDEA.
GOOD IDEA. OKAY.
LOOK AT THIS... SEX.
MNH-MNH.
VIOLENT SEX.
MNH-MNH, NO.
CARTOON SEX?
FLUFF.
THAT'S KIND OF
INTERESTING, THOUGH.
[ IMITATES
WOODY WOODPECKER LAUGH ]
[ SIGHS ]
MICHAEL, THERE'S SEX EVERYWHERE.
WOULD YOU JUST TURN TO
THE NATURE CHANNEL OR SOMETHING.
Man: DURING THE MATING SEASON,
THE WILDEBEEST,
OTHERWISE MONOGAMOUS, TURNS
INTO A RAPACIOUS FORNICATOR.
TURN IT OFF.
JAY, BABY,
THIS IS KILLING ME.
BABY, YOU JUST GOT TO THINK
POSITIVELY, HONEY.
YOU GOT TO THINK
ABOUT THE TYPHOON.
COME ON.
LISTEN, THERE'S ONLY
FOUR MONTHS LEFT.
IMAGINE WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN
IN FOUR MONTHS.
IN FOUR MONTHS,
I'LL BE ABLE TO HEAR
BUGS DOING IT
IN CALIFORNIA.
OH, COME ON, HONEY.
THIS IS EXCITING,
AND YOU KNOW IT.
NO, IT'S EXCITING
TO YOU, JAY.
SEE, WOMEN ARE WIRED
DIFFERENTLY THAN MEN.
FOR YOU, THIS IS SIX MONTHS
OF FOREPLAY.
FOR ME, THIS IS
SIX MONTHS OF FOREPLAY!
[ SIGHS ] MICHAEL, COME ON.
THINK ABOUT IT.
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS,
AFTER ALL THIS TIME,
WE'RE LUSTING AFTER EACH OTHER
LIKE TWO TEENAGERS.
OH, BABY, THE INTENSITY IS BACK.
THE PASSION IS BACK.
DON'T... HEY, HEY,
DON'T SAY "BACK."
COME ON.
YOU CAN HANDLE IT, MICHAEL.
AND DON'T SAY "HANDLE."
DON'T SAY "IT."
AND PLEASE DON'T SAY
"COME ON."
MICHAEL, BUT YOU...
AND WHATEVER YOU SAY,
DON'T SAY "BUT," OKAY?
'CAUSE YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU WORKING WITH.
YOU GOT THAT WHOLE
J-LO THING GOING ON.
JUST A LOT OF JUNK
IN THAT TRUNK.
ALL RIGHT.
16 WEEKS, MICHAEL.
IN 16 WEEKS.
THAT'S ALL YOU GOT LEFT.
16 WEEKS.
CAN I... CAN I...
CAN I SEE IT?
NO.
IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.
IT IS, ISN'T IT?
AND IT SMELLS GREAT, TOO.
YEAH, IT DOES, DOESN'T IT?
IT REMINDS ME OF YOU.
IS IT DILL?
I THINK SO.
ARE YOU SAYING
I SMELL LIKE A PICKLE?
A SWEET PICKLE, MY DOVE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
HERE IT IS.
IT'S AN ARMAROSA SCENTALOSA
PLANT. WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S A WEED INDIGENOUS TO
[Italian accent] SOUTHERN ITALY
[Normal voice]
USED BY THE LOCAL POPULATION,
WHICH SOME THINK IS A
[Italian accent] LOVE POTION.
WOW.
[ Normal voice ] IT HEIGHTENS
THE SENSES, ELEVATES THE MOOD,
AND CAUSES A FEELING
OF WELL-BEING.
IT'S A [Italian accent]
FEEL-GOOD PLANT.
LET'S GIVE SOME TO MY MOM.
SHE'S COOKING A BIG MEAL
FOR MY DAD TONIGHT.
IT'S THEIR
"BIG NIGHT" ALONE.
MAMA MIA!
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
LET'S DO IT.
ISN'T THIS GREAT?
ISN'T THIS GREAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
WHY ARE WE DOING THIS AGAIN?
BECAUSE.
OH, MY GOSH.
THE BOOK SAYS THAT COOKING
CAN BE A SENSUAL EXPERIENCE.
AND WHEN YOU SHARE
THAT EXPERIENCE,
IT CAN BECOME
AN INTIMATE EXPERIENCE.
NOW YOU'RE TALKING.
A NONSEXUAL
INTIMATE EXPERIENCE.
NOW YOU'RE NOT TALKING.
MICHAEL, THE GOAL
IS TO TEASE EACH OTHER
AND TAKE IT
TO THE NEXT LEVEL.
NOW YOU'RE TALKING AGAIN.
BUT WE FALL SHORT
OF ACTUAL CONTACT.
NOW YOU'RE
NOT TALKING AGAIN.
MICHAEL, I AM TRYING TO
STIMULATE ALL OF YOUR SENSES.
[ French accent ] THAT IS WHY
I AM DRESSED THIS WAY.
THAT IS WHY
I SMELL THIS WAY.
THAT IS WHY
I HAVE SENT THE KIDS AWAY.
I AM SEEKING TO CREATE
THE PERFECT CONDITIONS
[Normal voice]
TO NOT HAVE SEX.
OKAY, THEN
LET'S START COOKING.
YEAH, LET'S START COOKING.
WHAT'S ON THE MENU?
AH, LET'S START COOKING.
WHAT'S ON THE MENU?
WITH POMEGRANATES AND SPINACH
AND, BABY, FOR DESSERT,
CUPCAKES FILLED
WITH A CHOCOLATE GANACHE.
WHAT'S GANACHE?
IT'S AN AMAZING ICING
WITH CHOCOLATE AND CREAM.
HMM, GANACHE,
THAT SOUNDS G-G-GOOD.
SEE, I TOLD YOU
YOU'D GET INTO IT.
YEAH. I WISH I COULD GET
INTO SOMETHING ELSE,
BUT APPARENTLY THAT'S ALL
I'M GETTING INTO.
OKAY, MICHAEL,
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'D MAKE THIS EASIER
ON YOURSELF
IF YOU STOP CONCENTRATING ON SEX
AND CONCENTRATE ON COOKING.
ALL RIGHT, FAIR ENOUGH.
I WILL ONLY THINK ABOUT COOKING.
THANK YOU.
I WILL ON... COOKING.
COOKING. LET'S GO.
OKAY, COOKING.
ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT
ALL THE INGREDIENTS?
I THINK I DO.
OKAY. YOU GOT YOUR
GUINEA FOWL? CHECK.
YOU HAVE YOUR, UH,
RICOTTA CHEESE? CHECK.
YOU HAVE YOUR THYME?
OH, YES, BABY.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I GOT ALL OF THIS FROM THE KIDS.
THEY GREW IT AND GAVE IT TO ME.
ISN'T IT GOOD? SMELLS GOOD.
SMELLS... MMM, WOW,
THAT DOES SMELL GOOD.
YEAH.
OKAY.
READ THE INSTRUCTIONS.
OKAY. IT SAYS HERE,
"REMOVE... TH-TH-THIGHS
AND B-B-B-BREASTS-S-S-S."
I CAN'T DO THIS.
COME ON, MICHAEL.
THIS IS SUPPOSED TO KEEP
MY MIND OFF OF SEX?
JUST MOVE, MOVE. OOH,
GANACHE, THAT FEELS GOOD.
WOULD YOU...
COME ON.
LET ME DO IT.
OKAY.
"USING YOUR FINGERS...
MM-HMM.
...GENTLY RUB THE SKIN
WITH YOUR RICOTTA.
MM-HMM.
"THEN, WHEN IT'S READY,
GENTLY SLIDE THE BIRD
INTO THE OVEN."
NO, SHOVE THAT BIRD
INTO THE OVEN.
OKAY, YOU GOT TO GO!
BYE!
WHAT?
NO, MICHAEL, NO!
I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA
DO THIS TOGETHER.
NO. I'LL MAKE IT.
I'LL COOK IT.
I DON'T NEED A RECIPE.
AND YOU GOT TO GO.
GANACHE, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
GOODBYE.
GANACHE, GET AWAY FROM ME.
OH.
MMM.
WHOO, BABY, THIS IS THE BEST
FOOD I EVER HAD IN MY LIFE.
AIN'T IT GOOD?
MMM. DAMN, I USUALLY
DON'T LIKE THAT PART.
YEAH, I KNOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT, MICHAEL?
HMM?
YOU KNOW WHAT
I THINK IT WAS?
WHAT MADE IT SO GOOD?
I THINK IT WAS THAT THYME.
THE THYME. YEAH, LET ME GET
A LITTLE HIT OF THAT.
NO!
DON'T I GET A HIT?
DAG, MICHAEL,
YOU'RE SO GREEDY.
WAIT, NOTHING UP MY SLEEVE.
PRESTO.
[ LAUGHING ]
MAGIC.
WHOO.
OKAY.
WHAT'S WRONG?
I FEEL GOOD.
YOU DO? I FEEL ALL
LOOSE AND RUBBERY.
ME TOO.
YOU KNOW WHAT I FEEL LIKE?
WHAT YOU FEEL LIKE?
I FEEL LIKE THE WHOLE WORLD
IS BUTTERSCOTCH
AND I'M SWIMMING
THROUGH IT.
OOH, LOOK OUT, WORLD.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
YOU KNOW WHAT WE NEED TO DO?
WE NEED TO FOCUS.
HOW YOU SPELLING THAT,
WITH A "U" OR AN "O"?
I DIDN'T GRADUATE.
BOTH OF THEM 'CAUSE IT'S...
[ LAUGHING ]
MAGIC.
HEY, YOU KNOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT, WAIT.
PSH, PSH.
WE SHOULD GET
THE CHOCOLATE GANACHE.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
OKAY, OKAY, WAIT A MINUTE.
OKAY. WHO'S GETTING UP,
ME OR YOU?
OKAY, WE'RE BOTH
GONNA GET UP.
OKAY, READY?
ONE, TWO, THREE.
[ LAUGHS ]
MY UP IS DOWN.
BETTER GO GET
THE CHOCOLATE.
OKAY.
GET THE CHOCOLATE.
HEY, BABY, YOU GOT
YOUR CHOCOLATE?
OH, I GOT MY CHOCOLATE.
YOU GOT
YOUR WHIPPED CREAM?
IS THAT SEXY?
YES.
OKAY, WAIT.
WHAT?
COME ON NOW,
FOCUS AND CONCENTRATE.
ERASE, DELETE.
AND EXHALE.
[ COUGHS ]
OKAY. WHAT WE GOT
TO DO NOW?
OKAY. OKAY, VERY SERIOUS.
WE'RE SERIOUS.
WHAT WE GOT TO DO IS TAKE
EVERYTHING OFF THE TABLE,
AND THEN YOU TAKE YOUR CLOTHES
OFF AND GET ON THE TABLE.
NO, WE GOT TO DO
THE RECIPE FIRST.
OKAY. OH, I FORGOT.
[ LAUGHS ]
OH! OH!
WHAT?! WHAT?!
YOU KNOW
WHAT WE SHOULD DO?
WHAT, BABY?
WE SHOULD PUT
THAT THYME IN.
OHH!
YEAH.
LET ME GET A HIT.
LET ME GET A HIT.
BABY, BABY, BABY,
LET ME GET A HIT.
YOU SO GREEDY. HERE.
MMM.
AH, THAT'S IT.
OKAY, PUT IT IN THE CHOCOLATE.
PUT IT IN THE CHOCOLATE!
YOU DROPPED IT. WHOOPSIE.
WHOOPSIE.
OOPSIE.
WHOO, SEE, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
THAT'S SOME BEAUTIFUL THYME.
THAT LOOKED LIKE
A GREAT THYME RIGHT THERE.
OH, WHOA, MORE THYME.
OH.
WHOO!
OKAY, OKAY.
OH, YOU DROPPED IT AGAIN.
WHOA.
YAY!
LOOK AT HER GET
THAT THYME! YAY!
OKAY, COME ON OVER HERE, BABY.
COME HERE.
OH, YOU'RE JUST A THYME-GETTING
LITTLE HEIFER THERE.
OKAY, STIR IT.
OKAY. HERE. LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
STIRRING.
OH, LOOK AT THE SWIRLS!
IT'S SWIRLING.
YOU GOT YOUR SWIRL ON!
[ LAUGHS ]
I'M MAGIC.
WAIT! OH, LOOK AT THAT!
WHAT, WHAT?
IT LOOKS LIKE
THE WHOLE UNIVERSE.
YEAH, AT THE BEGINNING.
WHAT?
WITH THE BIG... BANG!
[ BOTH LAUGHING ]
OKAY, SERIOUS.
FOCUS.
OKAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHAT?
WHAT I GOT TO DO
IS TAKE THE GANACHE
AND DRIZZLE IT
OVER THE CUPCAKES.
WHAT CUPCAKES?
YOU GOT THE CUPCAKES.
[ LAUGHS ]
MAGIC.
OKAY, CONCENTRATE, BABY.
OKAY.
COME HERE.
COME CLOSER TO ME.
LET'S STIR THIS.
OOH. MICHAEL?
WHAT, BABY?
DO YOU HEAR THE RAIN?
I HEAR THE DRIZZLE.
BABY, NO, IT'S POURING.
IT'S POURING?
MICHAEL,
DO YOU HEAR THE WIND?
OH, BABY, THAT'S...
AAH! AAH! COME BACK!
COME BACK! COME BACK!
DO YOU FEEL IT?
I FEEL IT, BABY.
MICHAEL, YOU KNOW WHAT
I THINK THIS IS?
TELL ME WHAT
YOU THINK THIS IS.
I THINK IT'S A...
WHISPER IT. WHISPER IT.
Typhoon.
OH, YEAH.
IT'S A TYPHOON.
HOT DAMN.
[ BOTH LAUGHING ]
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
WHOA, WHAT HAPPENED
IN HERE?
IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S BEEN HIT
BY A TYPHOON.
IMAGINE! [ LAUGHS ]
[ LAUGHS ]
IT LOOKS LIKE
THE WHOLE UNIVERSE.
YEAH, IN THE BEGINNING.
YEAH.
WHEN THE FIRST BIG BANG.
[ LAUGHS ]
IMAGINE.
DO IT AGAIN!
DO IT AGAIN!
THE BIG BANG. HA!
HEY, AIN'T I SEXY?
[ LAUGHS ]