My Wife and Kids (2001–2005): Season 5, Episode 20 - Jr.'s Cartoon - full transcript
When Jr. wins a national competition for his cartoon entitled "My Wife and Kid" -- based on himself, Vanessa, the baby and the rest of the Kyle family -- it catches the attention of ABC. Michael becomes Jr.'s agent, but the meeting with the television executives goes badly, crushing Jr.'s dream opportunity, so now Michael has to find a way to rectify the situation. Meanwhile, Claire threatens to break up with Tony unless he can bring some "umph" into their relationship.
OH, THE GREATEST THING
IN THE WORLD
JUST HAPPENED TO ME!
LET ME GUESS...
YOU FINALLY FIGURED OUT
HOW TO SPELL YOUR NAME.
Jay: HA HA!
HA HA HA HA HA.
DANG IT,
THAT AIN'T FUNNY.
NO, NO, NO, I GOT ONE,
I GOT ONE, I GOT ONE.
YOU FINALLY FOUND A HAT
TO FIT THAT BIG DOME OF YOURS.
HA HA HA!
AIN'T GOING
TO HAPPEN... EVER.
HA HA HA HA!
STICK TO
THE GARBAGE CAN.
HA HA HA.
WHAT, DON'T Y'ALL LISTEN?
NO, I ENTERED A NATIONAL
CARTOON COMPETITION,
AND I WON.
CHECK IT OUT.
2,000 CLAMS. YEAH!
WOW. WHOA. $2,000.
NO... CLAMS.
YOU SEE, IT WAS SPONSORED
BY A SEAFOOD RESTAURANT.
I HAD A CHOICE
BETWEEN 2,000 CLAMS
OR 2,000 BUCKS,
BUT CAN'T FIT
THAT MANY DEER INTO A CAR.
HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA!
HA HA!
HA HA!
NOT SMILING.
MICHAEL, ACTUALLY,
IT'S LEGITIMATE.
THE BOY REALLY DID
WIN A CONTEST.
WELL,
CONGRATULATIONS, SON.
MAYBE YOU'VE FOUND
SOME DIRECTION IN LIFE.
SO WHAT'S
THIS CARTOON ABOUT?
OH, IT'S KIND OF LIKE
OUR LIFE HERE IN THE HOUSE.
REALLY? WHAT'S IT CALLED?
"MY WIFE AND KID,"
AND IT'S ABOUT ME, VANESSA,
THE BABY, AND ALL OF YOU.
REALLY? REALLY, AND THE CENTRAL
CHARACTER IS THE GRANDFATHER.
WELL, OF COURSE HE WOULD BE.
HE'S THE HEAD OF THE FAMILY,
THE PILLAR OF STRENGTH,
DISPENSER OF WISDOM, RIGHT?
NO. HE'S MORE LIKE
A BALD-HEADED LOUDMOUTH
FREELOADER WHO LIVES
IN THE GARAGE
AND WORKS
FOR HIS SON.
HA HA HA HA HA!
TAKE A LOOK. HA HA HA.
HA! OH, GOD.
UNH-UNH. NO, NO.
NO, NO, SEE, DAD,
THIS IS
A MADE-UP CHARACTER.
YOUR NAME IS MICHAEL KYLE.
HIS NAME IS KYLE MICHAELS.
COMPLETELY
DIFFERENT GUY.
WHY KYLE MICHAELS
GOT MY EARS?
OH, WELL, SEE, I JUST TOOK
A COUPLE THINGS FROM YOU,
LIKE YOUR EARS, YOUR FACE,
YOUR PERSONALITY,
YOUR SKINNY CALVES,
AND YOUR CLUB FOOT.
BUT OTHER THAN THAT,
NOTHING LIKE YOU.
WAIT, MICHAEL,
DON'T LET YOUR EGO
GET IN THE WAY
OF THIS BOY'S SUCCESS.
IT'S JUST A CARTOON.
YOU NEED TO RELAX.
OH, YEAH? WELL, I'M GLAD
YOU FEEL THAT WAY,
'CAUSE LOOK
AT YOUR CARTOON.
WHAT?
HA HA!
HA HA HA!
LOOK AT THE TAIL
ON THIS HEIFER!
HA HA!
WHY IS MY BUTT SO BIG?
YOU TRYING TO TELL ME
MY BUTT IS THIS BIG, JUNIOR?
IT IS. HA HA!
HA HA. LOOK, RELAX,
IT'S JUST A CARTOON.
HE JUST USED
A COUPLE OF ASS-PECTS
OF YOUR PERSONALITY.
WHY IS THE MOUTH
SO BIG, JUNIOR?
OH, THAT'S BECAUSE
SHE HAS 300 TEETH.
300 TEETH?!
YEAH, THAT'S YOUR
MANDIBLE PROTRUSION.
YOU ARE A SHARK.
YEAH, THAT WAS
MY MOTIVATION. YEAH.
AND WHO THE HELL
IS RUFUS?
OH, RUFUS IS HER BUTT.
HA!
MY BUTT?
YOU NAMED MY BUTT?
YEAH... YOU SEE,
YOUR BUTT IS A CHARACTER.
SEE, AND IT HAS A VOICE.
LET ME HEAR THE VOICE.
GOOD MORNING.
"GOOD MORNING." HA HA.
WELL, I'M OFF TO WORK
GIVE ME 5.
THERE YOU GO.
HA HA HA HA.
I DON'T LIKE THIS.
I DON'T LIKE THIS AT ALL.
I LOVE IT.
IT'S BRILLIANT.
I DON'T LIKE IT, EITHER.
I... THIS...
YOU'VE GOT TO CHANGE THIS.
YEAH, YOU NEED TO CHANGE
SOME THINGS, JUNIOR.
YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO BE EMBARRASSING ME.
OR RUFUS. HA.
WELL, IF IT WAS
A HUGE SUCCESS,
I COULD MAKE ENOUGH MONEY
TO MOVE MYSELF, VANESSA,
AND THE BABY
OUT OF THE HOUSE.
WHOA, WHOA,
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
JUNIOR, JUNIOR, THE BUTT'S
REALLY NOT THAT BIG, BABY.
IT'S JUST VERY SHAPELY.
I KIND OF LIKE IT.
THIS IS CUTE. YEAH.
SO WHEN ARE YOU LEAVING?
WHAT'S THE DATE?
DO YOU GOT A TIME?
'CAUSE I COULD GO PACK.
LET ME GO PACK
YOUR STUFF UP FOR YOU,
BOY GENIUS.
O-O-OKAY. Jay: [
As Rufus ] GET OUT!
HA HA HA HA HA.
SO WHAT DO
YOU WANT TO DO?
YOU WANT
TO GO SEE A MOVIE?
I'M TIRED OF SEEING
G-RATED MOVIES.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I TOOK YOU TO SEE "THE PASSION."
ALL RIGHT, WELL, THEN,
LET'S DO SOMETHING EDGY.
LIKE WHAT?
UM, WE CAN READ THE BIBLE
WHILE SITTING ON THE EDGE
OF A CLIFF.
I'M SORRY, TONY.
THE THRILL IS GONE.
IT'S NOT THE SAME
AS IT USED TO BE
WHEN WE FIRST
STARTED DATING.
WAIT, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM?
I'M JUST TIRED OF THE SAME OLD
BORING RELATIONSHIP.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU
WANT ME TO DO?
I DON'T KNOW.
JUST DO SOMETHING
SPONTANEOUS FOR A CHANGE.
EVEN WHEN YOU KISS ME,
IT'S UNINSPIRED.
YOUR LIPS HAVE LOST
THAT CERTAIN OOMPH.
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
I AM OOMPH.
HERE, I'LL SHOW YOU.
AH.
HUH? HUH?
NOTHING. ALL RIGHT,
WELL, ONE MORE TIME.
GET READY.
MM.
WHEW.
[ GRUNTS ]
NOW YOU'RE JUST
MESSING UP MY LIP GLOSS.
ALL RIGHT, OKAY, WELL,
LET ME DO MY SUPER ESKIMO KISS
ON YOU.
HERE WE GO.
ARE YOU READY?
HA HA HA.
MM...
AAH!
NO! NO, NO.
TONY, LOOK,
I REALLY NEED YOU
TO THINK ABOUT US
AND HOW YOU CAN BRING BACK
THE SPARK TO OUR RELATIONSHIP,
OR ELSE...
OR ELSE WHAT, CLAIRE?
WAIT...
ARE YOU GOING TO LEAVE ME?
[ HIGH-PITCHED MOAN ]
AAH!
[ MOANING ]
GUESS WHAT... GUESS WHAT...
WE'VE GOT BIG NEWS.
YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO BELIEVE THIS.
YOU BETTER NOT
BE PREGNANT AGAIN.
NO, MAMA, LOOK,
I'VE GOT THE MOST EXCITING NEWS
YOU'VE EVER HEARD...
MAYBE THE MOST EXCITING NEWS
ANYONE'S EVER HEARD.
OKAY, WELL,
WHAT THE HELL IS IT?
OKAY, I GOT A CALL
FROM THE ABC
TELEVISION NETWORK.
ONE OF THEIR HOT-SHOT EXECUTIVES
SAW MY COMIC STRIP,
AND HE WANTS TO TURN IT
INTO AN ANIMATED TV SHOW!
Jay: WHAT?
MWAH!
OH, MY GOD.
THAT'S FANTASTIC.
YEAH, HIS NAME
IS FERNANDO TORRES.
AND HE WANTS
TO MEET WITH ME THIS WEEK.
I LOVE YOU!
MWAH!
SO YOU'RE GOING
TO HAVE TO GO TO CALIFORNIA?
NO, DAD, HE'S GOING
TO FLY HERE
AND MEET WITH ME
THIS WEEK.
THIS GUY'S
THE REAL THING.
I LOVE YOU!
[ BOTH SCREAMING ]
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
LISTEN...
THANK YOU.
CALM DOWN.
LET'S NOT GET TOO EXCITED.
LET'S TAKE A DEEP BREATH
AND THINK ABOUT THIS.
WHAT IS THERE
TO THINK ABOUT?
WHATEVER THEY OFFER,
I'M TAKING.
THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED
TO THINK ABOUT, SON.
LOOK, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED?
YOU NEED AN AGENT
WHO KNOWS HIS WAY AROUND
THOSE SHARK-INFESTED WATERS
OF NETWORK TELEVISION.
HE'S RIGHT. YOUR DAD'S RIGHT.
WHO? WHO CAN WE GET? WHO?
"WHO," SHE SAYS.
SHE SAYS, "WHO?"
YOU HEAR SHE SAYS "WHO"
JUST LIKE AN OWL?
SHE SAYS, "WHO?"
"WHO?" "WHO?" "WHO?"
I'LL TELL YOU WHO.
I'LL GO GET HIM.
HELLO THERE.
I'M MICHAEL KYLEBERG.
I'M THE ATTORNEY,
THE AGENT EXTRAORDINAIRE.
UNH-UNH.
UNH-UNH. UNH-UNH.
MICHAEL, YOU DON'T
KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT NEGOTIATING
A NETWORK CONTRACT.
NO OFFENSE, MR. KYLE, BUT YOU'RE
IN THE TRUCKING BUSINESS.
OH, MY DEAR, SWEET,
DAUGHTER-IN-LAW.
YES, I AM
IN THE TRUCKING BUSINESS,
WHICH IS ACTUALLY
AN ASSET,
BECAUSE WHAT ARE
THE FIRST THREE LETTERS
OF THE WORD "CARTOON"?
C-A-R.
CAR. CAR.
CAR. CAR.
AND WHAT DO CARS DO?
CARS DRIVE
ON THE "NETWORK" OF HIGHWAYS.
VROOM.
THAT'S RIGHT, MEANING DRIVING
A HARD BARGAIN IN THE ROOM,
BEING ABLE TO POSTURE,
BEING ABLE TO SAY,
"YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE'RE GOING TO PARK IT.
"WE'RE GOING
TO WAIT IN NEUTRAL,
"AND WE'RE NOT AFRAID
TO BE IN REVERSE
IF IT AIN'T RIGHT."
YOU SEE?
NOW LET'S TAKE
THE OTHER WORD.
TOON... SEE, "TOON"
IS A LATIN WORD FOR...
TUNA. TUNA. FISH.
GO BACK
TO THE NEUTRAL POSITION.
OKAY.
TOON...
TO TUNE IN.
HELLO? RADIO, DIAL IN.
[ IMITATES RADIO STATIC ]
RIGHT? TO BE ABLE
TO TUNE IN
TO THE AIRWAVES
OF NEGOTIATION.
THEY EVERYWHERE.
YOU SEE? AND TO BE ABLE
TO SIT BACK
AND HUM A TUNE.
[ BOTH HUMMING ]
UNTIL THE RIGHT DEAL
IS STRUCTURED.
NOW...
YOU TAKE A TOON,
AND YOU TAKE A CAR,
AND YOU PUT THE TOON
IN REVERSE IN BACK OF THE CAR,
YOU GOT CARTOON.
CARTOON. BRILLIANT.
IT'S THAT KIND OF SAVVY THAT
I PLAN TO PUT ON THE TABLE.
THAT'S WHAT HE'S BRINGING
TO THE TABLE.
THIS TABLE RIGHT HERE.
HE'S BRINGING THAT SAVVY.
SO YOU GOING TO GO WITH ME
TO MEET MR. TORRES?
NO.
WHOA.
YOU'RE GOING TO COME WITH
ME TO MEET MR. TORRES. OKAY.
SEE, FIRST OF ALL,
HERE'S LESSON NUMBER ONE...
TAKE IT
RIGHT OFF THE TABLE.
CATCH IT, PAT,
PUT IT ON YOUR HEAD.
OKAY, IT'S RIGHT HERE.
I WANT YOU
TO PUT IT IN YOUR HEAD.
YOU DON'T EVER GIVE THAT MAN
THAT KIND OF POWER
BY CALLING HIM
"MISTER" ANYTHING.
NO MISTER.
YOU'RE THE ARTIST.
I'M THE ARTIST.
HE NEEDS YOU.
HE NEED ME.
THAT NETWORK NEEDS YOU
TO STAY ON.
ABC NEED ME.
THAT'S RIGHT.
SO YOU GO IN THERE, AND YOU
PUT HIM ON THE DEFENSIVE.
YEAH.
YOU DON'T...
YOU REDUCE HIS NAME.
YOU DON'T CALL HIM
MR. FERNANDO TORRES.
YOU CALL HIM...
YOU LOOK HIM IN THE EYE,
AND YOU GO, "NANDO."
YEAH. SHORTEN IT.
SHORTEN IT. NANDO.
NAN.
OR JUST DO, BECAUSE
THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE AFTER.
WE GET THE DOUGH
FOR THE TUNA.
THAT'S RIGHT.
YEAH, AND MAKE
THE SANDWICH.
GO BACK TO NEUTRAL.
OKAY.
DAD, ON SECOND THOUGHT,
MAYBE THIS IS SOMETHING
I SHOULD DO BY MYSELF.
YOU DO IT BY YOURSELF.
I'LL JUST BE THERE FOR BACKUP.
YOU WON'T SAY ANYTHING?
I'M NOT GOING TO...
I SAID EVERYTHING
I NEED TO SAY HERE.
DO YOU NEED TO GO BACK
AND EXPLAIN "CARTOON" AGAIN?
NO, WE...
OH, GOD, PLEASE, NO.
I THINK I SAID IT ALL.
NO, YOU SAID IT.
THAT'S RIGHT,
AND I'LL JUST SIT THERE
AND SILENTLY SUPPORT YOU,
AND IF SOMETHING'S GOING WRONG
IN THE ROOM, I'LL JUST GIVE YOU
A SUBTLE LITTLE MESSAGE.
JUST A LITTLE TAP LIKE THAT,
JUST BETWEEN ME AND YOU.
OKAY, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT...
YOU'RE SAYING TO US
THAT YOU'LL JUST SIT THERE
SILENTLY IN THE ROOM,
JUST SIT SILENTLY. THAT'S
WHAT I'M PLANNING ON DOING.
SON, YOUR LITTLE SHOW
IS JUST A BEGINNING.
I MEAN, ONCE WE GET
OUR FOOT IN THE DOOR,
WE'RE GOING TO PROGRAM
THIS WHOLE NETWORK
WITH NOTHING
BUT KYLE AND SON PRODUCTIONS.
YEAH, YEAH, EXACTLY.
NOW, I FIGURE
WE'LL SPIN OFF RUFUS FIRST.
JUST SPIN HIM OFF
AND, YOU KNOW,
MAKE HIM BE A COP.
OR AN UNDERCOVER SPY.
WE COULD CALL IT "ALI-ASS."
YEAH.
YEAH.
I LIKE THAT.
AND THEN WE DO A SHOW
WITH KADY
WHERE SHE SOLVES CRIMES.
YEAH.
AND DURING RECESS,
WHILE ALL THE OTHER KIDS
ARE SLEEPING,
SHE GOES OFF
AND SHE SOLVES A CRIME
AND COMES BACK IN TIME
FOR THE MILK AND COOKIES.
MILK AND COOKIES.
EXACTLY. AND SHE'S BLIND.
SHE'S... OOH, THAT'LL
GET PICKED UP IMMEDIATELY.
YES.
OKAY.
MR. TORRES
WILL SEE YOU NOW.
LET'S GO.
AHEM.
WHAT? WHAT?
WHAT? WHAT?
YOU'RE TOO ANXIOUS.
WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE INDIFFERENCE?
WHERE'S THE CONTEMPT
THAT YOU HAVE TO HAVE
FOR THESE PEOPLE?
I HAVE IT.
THEY DISGUST YOU.
YES... OH.
NOW, YOU GO SHOW HIM
YOU GOT SOME OF THAT.
I GOT... OKAY.
GO AHEAD.
WE'RE READY
TO SEE NANDO.
LOOK, HE DOESN'T REALLY
LIKE TO BE CALLED THAT.
I DON'T CARE.
AND WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
WE'RE READY TO SEE HIM?
HE'S GOT ANOTHER APPOINTMENT
IN 10 MINUTES.
WE WILL SEE HIM NOW.
HEY.
HOW YOU DOING?
THANKS FOR COMING.
THANK YOU.
HOW YOU DOING?
THIS IS MY HEAD
OF COMEDY DEVELOPMENT.
VERY NICE TO MEET YOU.
THIS IS PATRICK McGUIRE.
HE'S AN INTERN FROM IRELAND.
BLACK IRISH.
TOP O' THE MORNING
TO YOU.
HA HA HA HA.
PLEASE.
UH, WE'LL SIT.
WE ARE VERY EXCITED
ABOUT "MY WIFE AND KID."
WE THINK YOUR CARTOON STRIP
HAS THE POTENTIAL
TO BE TURNED INTO
A BREAKTHROUGH TELEVISION SHOW.
WE THINK IT'S THE BEST THING
SINCE "THE SIMPSONS."
OH, THANK YOU. WHICH CHARACTER
DO YOU LIKE THE BEST?
WELL, I HAVEN'T
ACTUALLY SEEN IT,
BUT FERNANDO SAYS
THAT IT'S WONDERFUL.
OKAY, WHAT'S YOUR
FAVORITE CHARACTER?
I HAVEN'T SEEN IT, BUT MY KIDS
TOLD ME THEY LOVE IT,
AND THAT'S MY BAROMETER.
THAT'S THE AUDIENCE.
YOU SEE,
WE'RE AFTER THAT KEY DEMO...
12 TO 13 1/2.
OY, THE KEY DEMO.
IT'S THE KEY DEMO.
THAT'S WHERE
ALL THE MONEY IS.
OH, SPEAKING OF MONEY,
WHAT KIND OF DEAL
ARE YOU PREPARED TO OFFER ME?
WE'RE PREPARED TO OFFER YOU
WRITERS' GUILD SCALE
PLUS 1% OF THE ADJUSTED GROSS
ON THE BACK END.
1%? THAT'S FANTASTIC.
IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG,
MR. KYLE?
UH, JUST A FLY.
JUST A FLY...
UM, YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE WERE THINKING
MORE 1 1/4.
I MEAN 2%.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
HOW ABOUT 0%?
DAMN, MUST BE
A BUNCH OF FLIES.
LOOK, NANDO...
I READ
IN "TV GUIDE" MAGAZINE
WHERE THE GUY
FROM "EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND"
IS MAKING
A MILLION DOLLARS
AN EPISODE.
I WAS THINKING
I'D LIKE TO HAVE SOMETHING
IN THAT BALLPARK.
WELL, RAYMOND DIDN'T START OFF
MAKING THAT KIND OF MONEY.
THAT'S BECAUSE RAYMOND
DIDN'T HAVE ME
AS HIS REPRESENTATIVE.
WE GOT THEM IN A HUDDLE.
NOW THEY'RE ON THE DEFENSIVE.
NOW I'M GOING
TO GO IN FOR THE KILL.
NOW I START ASKING
FOR THE JET.
MAN, WE WANT THE GYM.
WE WANT THE CHEF.
WE WANT THE MASSEUSE.
WE WANT SOMEBODY
TO JUST OPEN UP YOUR BABY TOE
AND GET THAT STUFF OUT.
YEAH, YEAH.
SO...
WHAT'S THE GOOD NEWS?
WE PASS.
PASS AS IN
WE PASSED THE FIRST TEST,
AND YOU LIKE WHO WE ARE,
AND YOU LIKE HOW I NEGOTIATED?
IT'S AS YOU'LL PASS CINDY
ON THE WAY OUT.
[ Gasps ] THE RETURN
OF THE MOGULS.
HAIL THE CONQUERING HERO!
HOW DID IT GO?
ASK MY DAD/AGENT.
WHAT HAPPENED?
OKAY, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT HAPPENED, OKAY?
IT WAS LIKE THIS...
WE, UM, WE WERE, LIKE,
THIS CLOSE TO...
AHEM.
OKAY, WE WERE ACTUALLY
THIS CLOSE... AHEM.
WE WERE SORT OF IN THE...
AHEM.
WE WERE...
HE BLEW IT, MOM.
MICHAEL, YOU WEREN'T
SUPPOSED TO SAY ANYTHING.
I KNOW, BABY, BUT THEY WERE
TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HIM,
AND I COULDN'T JUST SIT BACK
AND LET THEM DO THAT TO MY SON.
YEAH, MOM, THEY WERE
TRYING TO FORCE ME
TO HAVE A SHOW
ON NETWORK TELEVISION.
IT WAS AWFUL.
SO HOW DID IT END UP?
THEY CALLED SECURITY, HAD US
ESCORTED OUT OF THE BUILDING.
WHAT? YEAH, AND I'M
GOING TO SUE THEM,
'CAUSE THEY PUT
THE HANDCUFFS ON TOO TIGHT,
AND I THINK THEY
MICHAEL JACKSONED MY SHOULDER.
I CAN'T EVEN MOVE... EE!
IT HURTS... EE!
WAIT A SECOND,
WAIT A SECOND.
YOU DON'T HAVE A SHOW?
WE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING.
DAD BLEW THE DEAL.
CAN'T YOU TAKE IT
SOMEWHERE ELSE?
WE TRIED. WE CALLED
ALL THE OTHER NETWORKS,
BUT APPARENTLY,
SO DID FERNANDO.
BY THE TIME WE GOT DOWN
TO THE CARTOON NETWORK,
THE SECURITY ALREADY HAD
CARICATURES OF US.
I TOLD YOU, I TOLD YOU,
I TOLD YOU
THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN.
I TOLD YOU
YOU COULDN'T KEEP QUIET.
YOUR MOUTH IS BIG.
I TOLD YOU. I TOLD YOU.
I DON'T HAVE 300 TEETH
IN MY MOUTH.
MICHAEL, THIS IS NOT
THE TIME RIGHT NOW.
YOU'RE NOT MAKING ME
FEEL ANY BETTER.
I DON'T CA...
HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?
ALL OF OUR HOPES AND DREAMS
ARE THROWN OUT THE WINDOW
BECAUSE OF YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I'M SORRY.
OH, TELL IT
TO THE HAND.
DOES SHE KNOW
SHE LIVES IN MY HOUSE?
MICHAEL, SHE IS UPSET,
AND I DON'T BLAME HER.
I KNOW, BABY, BUT...
OH, TELL IT TO HER HAND.
UH-HUH.
COME ON, VANESSA.
SORRY.
I'M SORRY, SON.
"I'M SORRY" DOESN'T
CUT IT, DAD.
YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE MY FATHER.
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO
LOOK OUT FOR ME.
[ SOBBING ]
WHAT'S WRONG, TONY?
I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING, FRANKLIN,
AND NONE OF IT WORKS.
FORGET CLAIRE.
FORGET YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
SAVE YOURSELF.
OW! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!
TO KEEP YOUR ATTENTION.
WHAT I'M SAYING
IS VERY IMPORTANT.
GROW A BACKBONE, TONY.
STAND UP FOR YOURSELF.
NO WOMAN WANTS A WHINY,
SNIVELING LITTLE WEAKLING.
[ Sobbing ] YEAH.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
YOU'RE... YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT. BUT WHAT
IF SHE REJECTS ME AGAIN?
OW!
WHAT WAS THAT ONE FOR?
TO MAN YOU UP,
BECAUSE HERE SHE COMES.
OW!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
[ SOBBING AND GASPING ]
I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT I'M... NO.
[ GASPING ]
WHEW.
[ GASPING ]
I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT I'M DOING HERE, CLAIRE.
NOTHING'S EVER GOOD ENOUGH
FOR YOU,
AND YOU DON'T
DESERVE ME.
YOU'RE A SHALLOW, VAIN,
UNGRATEFUL LITTLE GIRL,
AND I'M A MAN...
A GOD-FEARING, RIGHTEOUS,
UPSTANDING M-A-N... MAN.
PLUS I'M CUTE,
AND YOU'RE GOING
TO MISS ALL THIS.
YEAH,ALL OF THIS.
AND YOU CAN WATCH IT
AS IT WALKS RIGHT OUT THAT DOOR.
OH, YEAH.
AND HERE'S SOMETHING
FOR YOU TO REMEMBER ME BY.
[ GASPS ]
[ GASPS ]
NOW THAT HAD OOMPH.
WAIT.
TONY, COME BACK!
OOMPH ME AGAIN!
TONY!
Michael: HELLO, EVERYBODY.
MM-HMM.
YEAH, HI.
HEY, COULD YOU ALL AT LEAST
SAY SOMETHING INTELLIGIBLE?
HI, DREAM KILLER.
I JUST HAD A HAPPY THOUGHT.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME OVER HERE
AND STEP ON IT?
I WAS GOING TO GO REGISTER
JUNIOR JR.
AT PRESCHOOL
TOMORROW MORNING.
YOU WANT TO COME ALONG
AND GET HIM KICKED OUT?
DOES SHE KNOW
SHE EATING MY CRUMB CAKE?
SHE'S EATING
MY CRUMB CAKE.
WELL, YOU ALL
ARE GOING TO BE EATING
THOSE NASTY, MEAN WORDS
YOU'RE SAYING TO ME IN A MOMENT,
BECAUSE I HAVE
SOME SPECTACULAR NEWS.
[ Gasps ] WHAT, YOU SOLD
THE HOUSE FROM UNDER US,
AND NOW WE HAVE TO
LIVE IN A TRAILER!
CLOSE.
ACTUALLY, I'M KIDDING.
HA HA HA.
LOOK...
LOOK, I KNOW YOU'VE ALL
PROBABLY BEEN WONDERING,
WHERE HAVE I BEEN
THESE PAST TWO DAYS?
FOR REAL, I HAVEN'T THOUGHT
ABOUT YOU ONE TIME.
I GOT... MY HEAD IS...
WELL, IN CASE...
IN CASE YOU WAS WORRIED...
I WAS ONLINE.
GREAT. WHY?
WELL, LOOK,
IT'S UP TO YOU, JUNIOR, IF YOU
WANT TO ACCEPT THIS OR NOT,
BUT IN AN EFFORT
TO REDEEM MYSELF,
I STRUCK A DEAL...
HA HA HA HA...
I STRUCK A DEAL
TO SELL YOUR IDEA
TO A STARTUP
INTERNET COMPANY.
REALLY?
YES. NOW, THE MONEY
IS NOT AS GOOD
AS, SAY,
"NETWORK TELEVISION,"
BUT THE MERCHANDISING
COULD BE HUGE, AND...
YOU'LL OWN IT.
WOW, DAD.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
JUNIOR, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING.
I OWE YOU THIS.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT,
JUNIOR?
ANYTIME YOU DO
SOMETHING STUPID,
I ALWAYS POP YOU IN THE BACK
OF YOUR HEAD, RIGHT THERE.
YEAH.
AW, IT MAKE ME WANT
TO HIT IT RIGHT NOW.
YEAH... OH, OH...
THAT'S THE SWEET SPOT
RIGHT HERE.
BUT...
I'M NOT GOING TO DO IT.
OKAY.
I'M GOING TO LET YOU...
I'M GIVING YOU PERMISSION
THIS TIME
TO POP ME
IN THE BACK OF THE...
OOH, JUNIOR.
HA HA HA!
YEAH!
Vanessa: THAT'S MY BABY!
HERE WE...
GET IT, BABY, GET IT, GET IT.
NICE AND GOOD.
RIGHT THERE,
RIGHT ON THE... HA HA.
HERE WE GO.
AAH!
AAH, I CAN'T DO IT, DAD.
WELL, I CAN. I CAN.
HEY, HEY, DO YOU KNOW
THAT YOU SLEEPING
IN MY HOUSE?
HA HA. I'M JUST KIDDING,
MR. KYLE.
I'M NOT.
OOH, OOH, OOH.
OKAY, I'VE HOOKED UP
THE COMPUTER TO THE BIG SCREEN
SO WE CAN WATCH
THE ONLINE DOWNLOAD
ON THE SATELLITE UPLINK.
YOU KNOW WHAT? FORGET
ALL THAT FANCY-SCHMANCY TALK
AND LET'S TURN
THE THING ON, KID.
[ APPLAUSE ]
YOUR DAD CAME BY
AGAIN TODAY
ASKING FOR SOME MONEY.
NOT AGAIN.
HE OUGHT TO BE HAPPY
I LET HIM
AND HIS BIG HEAD
LIVE IN THE GARAGE
[ ALL LAUGHING ]
HEY, SON.
I GOT A QUESTION FOR YOU.
I GOT A BOOK
FOR MY GRANDBABY.
HE'S ONLY 3 MONTHS OLD.
HE CAN'T READ.
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
THE BOOK'S IN SPANISH.
YOU SURE ARE DUMB.
OW!
WELL, LET ME GET
RIGHT TO THE POINT.
I NEED SOME MONEY.
YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY.
WHY NOT?
WE GOT PLENTY OF MONEY.
WE'RE RICH.
NO, DAD,
I'VE GOT MONEY.
YOU'RE BROKE.
Michael: OH, NO.
LOOK AT THAT.
Woman: WHAT'S GOING ON
IN THIS KITCHEN?
OH, LORD,
HERE COME YOUR MAMA.
HOLD ON!
RUFUS IS STUCK AGAIN.
[ ALL LAUGHING ]
WHEN ARE YOU TWO GOING
TO MOVE OUT
AND GET A PLACE
OF YOUR OWN?
WHEN YOU SAY "YOU TWO,"
DO YOU MEAN ME AND YOUR MOM,
AND DO YOU MEAN ME
AND YOUR MAMA'S BUTT?
OH, I GOT YOUR BUTT,
ALL RIGHT.
I KNOW YOU DO. YOU BETTER
BRING IT UP WITH HIM, WOMAN.
OH, MAN.
THIS IS GREAT STUFF.
YEAH, THAT'S GREAT STUFF.
SO WHAT
DO YOU THINK, MAMA?
UH...
IT'S FUNNY,
NO BUTS ABOUT THAT.
SO DO YOU FORGIVE ME?
OF COURSE I DO, JUNIOR,
AND I WISH YOU
NOTHING BUT THE BEST.
OH, THANK YOU.
SO DOES RUFUS.
OH, THANKS, MAN.
[ As Rufus ]
YOU'RE WELCOME.
[ ALL LAUGH ]
OH, SO WHAT ABOUT YOU, DAD?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
SON, I THINK YOU HAVE
A BIG HIT ON YOUR HANDS.
REALLY?
YEP.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
NOTHING.
YOU THOUGHT I WAS GOING
TO HIT THE SWEET SPOT?
NO, HEY, HEY.
COME HERE.
I'M PROUD OF YOU, BOY.
OH, THANK YOU, DAD.
HA HA HA.
"TOON" IS ACTUALLY
A SIMILE.
I'M ONTO SOMETHING HERE.
OKAY.
NOW, "TOON" IS
THE OTHER WORD
IN "CARTOON," RIGHT?
"TOON"... HA HA.
OKAY.
AND TUNE IN TO THEIR
THOUGHT PROCESS, HENCE...
HA HA HA.
IN THE WORLD
JUST HAPPENED TO ME!
LET ME GUESS...
YOU FINALLY FIGURED OUT
HOW TO SPELL YOUR NAME.
Jay: HA HA!
HA HA HA HA HA.
DANG IT,
THAT AIN'T FUNNY.
NO, NO, NO, I GOT ONE,
I GOT ONE, I GOT ONE.
YOU FINALLY FOUND A HAT
TO FIT THAT BIG DOME OF YOURS.
HA HA HA!
AIN'T GOING
TO HAPPEN... EVER.
HA HA HA HA!
STICK TO
THE GARBAGE CAN.
HA HA HA.
WHAT, DON'T Y'ALL LISTEN?
NO, I ENTERED A NATIONAL
CARTOON COMPETITION,
AND I WON.
CHECK IT OUT.
2,000 CLAMS. YEAH!
WOW. WHOA. $2,000.
NO... CLAMS.
YOU SEE, IT WAS SPONSORED
BY A SEAFOOD RESTAURANT.
I HAD A CHOICE
BETWEEN 2,000 CLAMS
OR 2,000 BUCKS,
BUT CAN'T FIT
THAT MANY DEER INTO A CAR.
HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA!
HA HA!
HA HA!
NOT SMILING.
MICHAEL, ACTUALLY,
IT'S LEGITIMATE.
THE BOY REALLY DID
WIN A CONTEST.
WELL,
CONGRATULATIONS, SON.
MAYBE YOU'VE FOUND
SOME DIRECTION IN LIFE.
SO WHAT'S
THIS CARTOON ABOUT?
OH, IT'S KIND OF LIKE
OUR LIFE HERE IN THE HOUSE.
REALLY? WHAT'S IT CALLED?
"MY WIFE AND KID,"
AND IT'S ABOUT ME, VANESSA,
THE BABY, AND ALL OF YOU.
REALLY? REALLY, AND THE CENTRAL
CHARACTER IS THE GRANDFATHER.
WELL, OF COURSE HE WOULD BE.
HE'S THE HEAD OF THE FAMILY,
THE PILLAR OF STRENGTH,
DISPENSER OF WISDOM, RIGHT?
NO. HE'S MORE LIKE
A BALD-HEADED LOUDMOUTH
FREELOADER WHO LIVES
IN THE GARAGE
AND WORKS
FOR HIS SON.
HA HA HA HA HA!
TAKE A LOOK. HA HA HA.
HA! OH, GOD.
UNH-UNH. NO, NO.
NO, NO, SEE, DAD,
THIS IS
A MADE-UP CHARACTER.
YOUR NAME IS MICHAEL KYLE.
HIS NAME IS KYLE MICHAELS.
COMPLETELY
DIFFERENT GUY.
WHY KYLE MICHAELS
GOT MY EARS?
OH, WELL, SEE, I JUST TOOK
A COUPLE THINGS FROM YOU,
LIKE YOUR EARS, YOUR FACE,
YOUR PERSONALITY,
YOUR SKINNY CALVES,
AND YOUR CLUB FOOT.
BUT OTHER THAN THAT,
NOTHING LIKE YOU.
WAIT, MICHAEL,
DON'T LET YOUR EGO
GET IN THE WAY
OF THIS BOY'S SUCCESS.
IT'S JUST A CARTOON.
YOU NEED TO RELAX.
OH, YEAH? WELL, I'M GLAD
YOU FEEL THAT WAY,
'CAUSE LOOK
AT YOUR CARTOON.
WHAT?
HA HA!
HA HA HA!
LOOK AT THE TAIL
ON THIS HEIFER!
HA HA!
WHY IS MY BUTT SO BIG?
YOU TRYING TO TELL ME
MY BUTT IS THIS BIG, JUNIOR?
IT IS. HA HA!
HA HA. LOOK, RELAX,
IT'S JUST A CARTOON.
HE JUST USED
A COUPLE OF ASS-PECTS
OF YOUR PERSONALITY.
WHY IS THE MOUTH
SO BIG, JUNIOR?
OH, THAT'S BECAUSE
SHE HAS 300 TEETH.
300 TEETH?!
YEAH, THAT'S YOUR
MANDIBLE PROTRUSION.
YOU ARE A SHARK.
YEAH, THAT WAS
MY MOTIVATION. YEAH.
AND WHO THE HELL
IS RUFUS?
OH, RUFUS IS HER BUTT.
HA!
MY BUTT?
YOU NAMED MY BUTT?
YEAH... YOU SEE,
YOUR BUTT IS A CHARACTER.
SEE, AND IT HAS A VOICE.
LET ME HEAR THE VOICE.
GOOD MORNING.
"GOOD MORNING." HA HA.
WELL, I'M OFF TO WORK
GIVE ME 5.
THERE YOU GO.
HA HA HA HA.
I DON'T LIKE THIS.
I DON'T LIKE THIS AT ALL.
I LOVE IT.
IT'S BRILLIANT.
I DON'T LIKE IT, EITHER.
I... THIS...
YOU'VE GOT TO CHANGE THIS.
YEAH, YOU NEED TO CHANGE
SOME THINGS, JUNIOR.
YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO BE EMBARRASSING ME.
OR RUFUS. HA.
WELL, IF IT WAS
A HUGE SUCCESS,
I COULD MAKE ENOUGH MONEY
TO MOVE MYSELF, VANESSA,
AND THE BABY
OUT OF THE HOUSE.
WHOA, WHOA,
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
JUNIOR, JUNIOR, THE BUTT'S
REALLY NOT THAT BIG, BABY.
IT'S JUST VERY SHAPELY.
I KIND OF LIKE IT.
THIS IS CUTE. YEAH.
SO WHEN ARE YOU LEAVING?
WHAT'S THE DATE?
DO YOU GOT A TIME?
'CAUSE I COULD GO PACK.
LET ME GO PACK
YOUR STUFF UP FOR YOU,
BOY GENIUS.
O-O-OKAY. Jay: [
As Rufus ] GET OUT!
HA HA HA HA HA.
SO WHAT DO
YOU WANT TO DO?
YOU WANT
TO GO SEE A MOVIE?
I'M TIRED OF SEEING
G-RATED MOVIES.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I TOOK YOU TO SEE "THE PASSION."
ALL RIGHT, WELL, THEN,
LET'S DO SOMETHING EDGY.
LIKE WHAT?
UM, WE CAN READ THE BIBLE
WHILE SITTING ON THE EDGE
OF A CLIFF.
I'M SORRY, TONY.
THE THRILL IS GONE.
IT'S NOT THE SAME
AS IT USED TO BE
WHEN WE FIRST
STARTED DATING.
WAIT, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM?
I'M JUST TIRED OF THE SAME OLD
BORING RELATIONSHIP.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU
WANT ME TO DO?
I DON'T KNOW.
JUST DO SOMETHING
SPONTANEOUS FOR A CHANGE.
EVEN WHEN YOU KISS ME,
IT'S UNINSPIRED.
YOUR LIPS HAVE LOST
THAT CERTAIN OOMPH.
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
I AM OOMPH.
HERE, I'LL SHOW YOU.
AH.
HUH? HUH?
NOTHING. ALL RIGHT,
WELL, ONE MORE TIME.
GET READY.
MM.
WHEW.
[ GRUNTS ]
NOW YOU'RE JUST
MESSING UP MY LIP GLOSS.
ALL RIGHT, OKAY, WELL,
LET ME DO MY SUPER ESKIMO KISS
ON YOU.
HERE WE GO.
ARE YOU READY?
HA HA HA.
MM...
AAH!
NO! NO, NO.
TONY, LOOK,
I REALLY NEED YOU
TO THINK ABOUT US
AND HOW YOU CAN BRING BACK
THE SPARK TO OUR RELATIONSHIP,
OR ELSE...
OR ELSE WHAT, CLAIRE?
WAIT...
ARE YOU GOING TO LEAVE ME?
[ HIGH-PITCHED MOAN ]
AAH!
[ MOANING ]
GUESS WHAT... GUESS WHAT...
WE'VE GOT BIG NEWS.
YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO BELIEVE THIS.
YOU BETTER NOT
BE PREGNANT AGAIN.
NO, MAMA, LOOK,
I'VE GOT THE MOST EXCITING NEWS
YOU'VE EVER HEARD...
MAYBE THE MOST EXCITING NEWS
ANYONE'S EVER HEARD.
OKAY, WELL,
WHAT THE HELL IS IT?
OKAY, I GOT A CALL
FROM THE ABC
TELEVISION NETWORK.
ONE OF THEIR HOT-SHOT EXECUTIVES
SAW MY COMIC STRIP,
AND HE WANTS TO TURN IT
INTO AN ANIMATED TV SHOW!
Jay: WHAT?
MWAH!
OH, MY GOD.
THAT'S FANTASTIC.
YEAH, HIS NAME
IS FERNANDO TORRES.
AND HE WANTS
TO MEET WITH ME THIS WEEK.
I LOVE YOU!
MWAH!
SO YOU'RE GOING
TO HAVE TO GO TO CALIFORNIA?
NO, DAD, HE'S GOING
TO FLY HERE
AND MEET WITH ME
THIS WEEK.
THIS GUY'S
THE REAL THING.
I LOVE YOU!
[ BOTH SCREAMING ]
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
LISTEN...
THANK YOU.
CALM DOWN.
LET'S NOT GET TOO EXCITED.
LET'S TAKE A DEEP BREATH
AND THINK ABOUT THIS.
WHAT IS THERE
TO THINK ABOUT?
WHATEVER THEY OFFER,
I'M TAKING.
THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED
TO THINK ABOUT, SON.
LOOK, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED?
YOU NEED AN AGENT
WHO KNOWS HIS WAY AROUND
THOSE SHARK-INFESTED WATERS
OF NETWORK TELEVISION.
HE'S RIGHT. YOUR DAD'S RIGHT.
WHO? WHO CAN WE GET? WHO?
"WHO," SHE SAYS.
SHE SAYS, "WHO?"
YOU HEAR SHE SAYS "WHO"
JUST LIKE AN OWL?
SHE SAYS, "WHO?"
"WHO?" "WHO?" "WHO?"
I'LL TELL YOU WHO.
I'LL GO GET HIM.
HELLO THERE.
I'M MICHAEL KYLEBERG.
I'M THE ATTORNEY,
THE AGENT EXTRAORDINAIRE.
UNH-UNH.
UNH-UNH. UNH-UNH.
MICHAEL, YOU DON'T
KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT NEGOTIATING
A NETWORK CONTRACT.
NO OFFENSE, MR. KYLE, BUT YOU'RE
IN THE TRUCKING BUSINESS.
OH, MY DEAR, SWEET,
DAUGHTER-IN-LAW.
YES, I AM
IN THE TRUCKING BUSINESS,
WHICH IS ACTUALLY
AN ASSET,
BECAUSE WHAT ARE
THE FIRST THREE LETTERS
OF THE WORD "CARTOON"?
C-A-R.
CAR. CAR.
CAR. CAR.
AND WHAT DO CARS DO?
CARS DRIVE
ON THE "NETWORK" OF HIGHWAYS.
VROOM.
THAT'S RIGHT, MEANING DRIVING
A HARD BARGAIN IN THE ROOM,
BEING ABLE TO POSTURE,
BEING ABLE TO SAY,
"YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE'RE GOING TO PARK IT.
"WE'RE GOING
TO WAIT IN NEUTRAL,
"AND WE'RE NOT AFRAID
TO BE IN REVERSE
IF IT AIN'T RIGHT."
YOU SEE?
NOW LET'S TAKE
THE OTHER WORD.
TOON... SEE, "TOON"
IS A LATIN WORD FOR...
TUNA. TUNA. FISH.
GO BACK
TO THE NEUTRAL POSITION.
OKAY.
TOON...
TO TUNE IN.
HELLO? RADIO, DIAL IN.
[ IMITATES RADIO STATIC ]
RIGHT? TO BE ABLE
TO TUNE IN
TO THE AIRWAVES
OF NEGOTIATION.
THEY EVERYWHERE.
YOU SEE? AND TO BE ABLE
TO SIT BACK
AND HUM A TUNE.
[ BOTH HUMMING ]
UNTIL THE RIGHT DEAL
IS STRUCTURED.
NOW...
YOU TAKE A TOON,
AND YOU TAKE A CAR,
AND YOU PUT THE TOON
IN REVERSE IN BACK OF THE CAR,
YOU GOT CARTOON.
CARTOON. BRILLIANT.
IT'S THAT KIND OF SAVVY THAT
I PLAN TO PUT ON THE TABLE.
THAT'S WHAT HE'S BRINGING
TO THE TABLE.
THIS TABLE RIGHT HERE.
HE'S BRINGING THAT SAVVY.
SO YOU GOING TO GO WITH ME
TO MEET MR. TORRES?
NO.
WHOA.
YOU'RE GOING TO COME WITH
ME TO MEET MR. TORRES. OKAY.
SEE, FIRST OF ALL,
HERE'S LESSON NUMBER ONE...
TAKE IT
RIGHT OFF THE TABLE.
CATCH IT, PAT,
PUT IT ON YOUR HEAD.
OKAY, IT'S RIGHT HERE.
I WANT YOU
TO PUT IT IN YOUR HEAD.
YOU DON'T EVER GIVE THAT MAN
THAT KIND OF POWER
BY CALLING HIM
"MISTER" ANYTHING.
NO MISTER.
YOU'RE THE ARTIST.
I'M THE ARTIST.
HE NEEDS YOU.
HE NEED ME.
THAT NETWORK NEEDS YOU
TO STAY ON.
ABC NEED ME.
THAT'S RIGHT.
SO YOU GO IN THERE, AND YOU
PUT HIM ON THE DEFENSIVE.
YEAH.
YOU DON'T...
YOU REDUCE HIS NAME.
YOU DON'T CALL HIM
MR. FERNANDO TORRES.
YOU CALL HIM...
YOU LOOK HIM IN THE EYE,
AND YOU GO, "NANDO."
YEAH. SHORTEN IT.
SHORTEN IT. NANDO.
NAN.
OR JUST DO, BECAUSE
THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE AFTER.
WE GET THE DOUGH
FOR THE TUNA.
THAT'S RIGHT.
YEAH, AND MAKE
THE SANDWICH.
GO BACK TO NEUTRAL.
OKAY.
DAD, ON SECOND THOUGHT,
MAYBE THIS IS SOMETHING
I SHOULD DO BY MYSELF.
YOU DO IT BY YOURSELF.
I'LL JUST BE THERE FOR BACKUP.
YOU WON'T SAY ANYTHING?
I'M NOT GOING TO...
I SAID EVERYTHING
I NEED TO SAY HERE.
DO YOU NEED TO GO BACK
AND EXPLAIN "CARTOON" AGAIN?
NO, WE...
OH, GOD, PLEASE, NO.
I THINK I SAID IT ALL.
NO, YOU SAID IT.
THAT'S RIGHT,
AND I'LL JUST SIT THERE
AND SILENTLY SUPPORT YOU,
AND IF SOMETHING'S GOING WRONG
IN THE ROOM, I'LL JUST GIVE YOU
A SUBTLE LITTLE MESSAGE.
JUST A LITTLE TAP LIKE THAT,
JUST BETWEEN ME AND YOU.
OKAY, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT...
YOU'RE SAYING TO US
THAT YOU'LL JUST SIT THERE
SILENTLY IN THE ROOM,
JUST SIT SILENTLY. THAT'S
WHAT I'M PLANNING ON DOING.
SON, YOUR LITTLE SHOW
IS JUST A BEGINNING.
I MEAN, ONCE WE GET
OUR FOOT IN THE DOOR,
WE'RE GOING TO PROGRAM
THIS WHOLE NETWORK
WITH NOTHING
BUT KYLE AND SON PRODUCTIONS.
YEAH, YEAH, EXACTLY.
NOW, I FIGURE
WE'LL SPIN OFF RUFUS FIRST.
JUST SPIN HIM OFF
AND, YOU KNOW,
MAKE HIM BE A COP.
OR AN UNDERCOVER SPY.
WE COULD CALL IT "ALI-ASS."
YEAH.
YEAH.
I LIKE THAT.
AND THEN WE DO A SHOW
WITH KADY
WHERE SHE SOLVES CRIMES.
YEAH.
AND DURING RECESS,
WHILE ALL THE OTHER KIDS
ARE SLEEPING,
SHE GOES OFF
AND SHE SOLVES A CRIME
AND COMES BACK IN TIME
FOR THE MILK AND COOKIES.
MILK AND COOKIES.
EXACTLY. AND SHE'S BLIND.
SHE'S... OOH, THAT'LL
GET PICKED UP IMMEDIATELY.
YES.
OKAY.
MR. TORRES
WILL SEE YOU NOW.
LET'S GO.
AHEM.
WHAT? WHAT?
WHAT? WHAT?
YOU'RE TOO ANXIOUS.
WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE INDIFFERENCE?
WHERE'S THE CONTEMPT
THAT YOU HAVE TO HAVE
FOR THESE PEOPLE?
I HAVE IT.
THEY DISGUST YOU.
YES... OH.
NOW, YOU GO SHOW HIM
YOU GOT SOME OF THAT.
I GOT... OKAY.
GO AHEAD.
WE'RE READY
TO SEE NANDO.
LOOK, HE DOESN'T REALLY
LIKE TO BE CALLED THAT.
I DON'T CARE.
AND WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
WE'RE READY TO SEE HIM?
HE'S GOT ANOTHER APPOINTMENT
IN 10 MINUTES.
WE WILL SEE HIM NOW.
HEY.
HOW YOU DOING?
THANKS FOR COMING.
THANK YOU.
HOW YOU DOING?
THIS IS MY HEAD
OF COMEDY DEVELOPMENT.
VERY NICE TO MEET YOU.
THIS IS PATRICK McGUIRE.
HE'S AN INTERN FROM IRELAND.
BLACK IRISH.
TOP O' THE MORNING
TO YOU.
HA HA HA HA.
PLEASE.
UH, WE'LL SIT.
WE ARE VERY EXCITED
ABOUT "MY WIFE AND KID."
WE THINK YOUR CARTOON STRIP
HAS THE POTENTIAL
TO BE TURNED INTO
A BREAKTHROUGH TELEVISION SHOW.
WE THINK IT'S THE BEST THING
SINCE "THE SIMPSONS."
OH, THANK YOU. WHICH CHARACTER
DO YOU LIKE THE BEST?
WELL, I HAVEN'T
ACTUALLY SEEN IT,
BUT FERNANDO SAYS
THAT IT'S WONDERFUL.
OKAY, WHAT'S YOUR
FAVORITE CHARACTER?
I HAVEN'T SEEN IT, BUT MY KIDS
TOLD ME THEY LOVE IT,
AND THAT'S MY BAROMETER.
THAT'S THE AUDIENCE.
YOU SEE,
WE'RE AFTER THAT KEY DEMO...
12 TO 13 1/2.
OY, THE KEY DEMO.
IT'S THE KEY DEMO.
THAT'S WHERE
ALL THE MONEY IS.
OH, SPEAKING OF MONEY,
WHAT KIND OF DEAL
ARE YOU PREPARED TO OFFER ME?
WE'RE PREPARED TO OFFER YOU
WRITERS' GUILD SCALE
PLUS 1% OF THE ADJUSTED GROSS
ON THE BACK END.
1%? THAT'S FANTASTIC.
IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG,
MR. KYLE?
UH, JUST A FLY.
JUST A FLY...
UM, YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE WERE THINKING
MORE 1 1/4.
I MEAN 2%.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
HOW ABOUT 0%?
DAMN, MUST BE
A BUNCH OF FLIES.
LOOK, NANDO...
I READ
IN "TV GUIDE" MAGAZINE
WHERE THE GUY
FROM "EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND"
IS MAKING
A MILLION DOLLARS
AN EPISODE.
I WAS THINKING
I'D LIKE TO HAVE SOMETHING
IN THAT BALLPARK.
WELL, RAYMOND DIDN'T START OFF
MAKING THAT KIND OF MONEY.
THAT'S BECAUSE RAYMOND
DIDN'T HAVE ME
AS HIS REPRESENTATIVE.
WE GOT THEM IN A HUDDLE.
NOW THEY'RE ON THE DEFENSIVE.
NOW I'M GOING
TO GO IN FOR THE KILL.
NOW I START ASKING
FOR THE JET.
MAN, WE WANT THE GYM.
WE WANT THE CHEF.
WE WANT THE MASSEUSE.
WE WANT SOMEBODY
TO JUST OPEN UP YOUR BABY TOE
AND GET THAT STUFF OUT.
YEAH, YEAH.
SO...
WHAT'S THE GOOD NEWS?
WE PASS.
PASS AS IN
WE PASSED THE FIRST TEST,
AND YOU LIKE WHO WE ARE,
AND YOU LIKE HOW I NEGOTIATED?
IT'S AS YOU'LL PASS CINDY
ON THE WAY OUT.
[ Gasps ] THE RETURN
OF THE MOGULS.
HAIL THE CONQUERING HERO!
HOW DID IT GO?
ASK MY DAD/AGENT.
WHAT HAPPENED?
OKAY, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT HAPPENED, OKAY?
IT WAS LIKE THIS...
WE, UM, WE WERE, LIKE,
THIS CLOSE TO...
AHEM.
OKAY, WE WERE ACTUALLY
THIS CLOSE... AHEM.
WE WERE SORT OF IN THE...
AHEM.
WE WERE...
HE BLEW IT, MOM.
MICHAEL, YOU WEREN'T
SUPPOSED TO SAY ANYTHING.
I KNOW, BABY, BUT THEY WERE
TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HIM,
AND I COULDN'T JUST SIT BACK
AND LET THEM DO THAT TO MY SON.
YEAH, MOM, THEY WERE
TRYING TO FORCE ME
TO HAVE A SHOW
ON NETWORK TELEVISION.
IT WAS AWFUL.
SO HOW DID IT END UP?
THEY CALLED SECURITY, HAD US
ESCORTED OUT OF THE BUILDING.
WHAT? YEAH, AND I'M
GOING TO SUE THEM,
'CAUSE THEY PUT
THE HANDCUFFS ON TOO TIGHT,
AND I THINK THEY
MICHAEL JACKSONED MY SHOULDER.
I CAN'T EVEN MOVE... EE!
IT HURTS... EE!
WAIT A SECOND,
WAIT A SECOND.
YOU DON'T HAVE A SHOW?
WE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING.
DAD BLEW THE DEAL.
CAN'T YOU TAKE IT
SOMEWHERE ELSE?
WE TRIED. WE CALLED
ALL THE OTHER NETWORKS,
BUT APPARENTLY,
SO DID FERNANDO.
BY THE TIME WE GOT DOWN
TO THE CARTOON NETWORK,
THE SECURITY ALREADY HAD
CARICATURES OF US.
I TOLD YOU, I TOLD YOU,
I TOLD YOU
THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN.
I TOLD YOU
YOU COULDN'T KEEP QUIET.
YOUR MOUTH IS BIG.
I TOLD YOU. I TOLD YOU.
I DON'T HAVE 300 TEETH
IN MY MOUTH.
MICHAEL, THIS IS NOT
THE TIME RIGHT NOW.
YOU'RE NOT MAKING ME
FEEL ANY BETTER.
I DON'T CA...
HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?
ALL OF OUR HOPES AND DREAMS
ARE THROWN OUT THE WINDOW
BECAUSE OF YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I'M SORRY.
OH, TELL IT
TO THE HAND.
DOES SHE KNOW
SHE LIVES IN MY HOUSE?
MICHAEL, SHE IS UPSET,
AND I DON'T BLAME HER.
I KNOW, BABY, BUT...
OH, TELL IT TO HER HAND.
UH-HUH.
COME ON, VANESSA.
SORRY.
I'M SORRY, SON.
"I'M SORRY" DOESN'T
CUT IT, DAD.
YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE MY FATHER.
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO
LOOK OUT FOR ME.
[ SOBBING ]
WHAT'S WRONG, TONY?
I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING, FRANKLIN,
AND NONE OF IT WORKS.
FORGET CLAIRE.
FORGET YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
SAVE YOURSELF.
OW! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!
TO KEEP YOUR ATTENTION.
WHAT I'M SAYING
IS VERY IMPORTANT.
GROW A BACKBONE, TONY.
STAND UP FOR YOURSELF.
NO WOMAN WANTS A WHINY,
SNIVELING LITTLE WEAKLING.
[ Sobbing ] YEAH.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
YOU'RE... YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT. BUT WHAT
IF SHE REJECTS ME AGAIN?
OW!
WHAT WAS THAT ONE FOR?
TO MAN YOU UP,
BECAUSE HERE SHE COMES.
OW!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
[ SOBBING AND GASPING ]
I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT I'M... NO.
[ GASPING ]
WHEW.
[ GASPING ]
I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT I'M DOING HERE, CLAIRE.
NOTHING'S EVER GOOD ENOUGH
FOR YOU,
AND YOU DON'T
DESERVE ME.
YOU'RE A SHALLOW, VAIN,
UNGRATEFUL LITTLE GIRL,
AND I'M A MAN...
A GOD-FEARING, RIGHTEOUS,
UPSTANDING M-A-N... MAN.
PLUS I'M CUTE,
AND YOU'RE GOING
TO MISS ALL THIS.
YEAH,ALL OF THIS.
AND YOU CAN WATCH IT
AS IT WALKS RIGHT OUT THAT DOOR.
OH, YEAH.
AND HERE'S SOMETHING
FOR YOU TO REMEMBER ME BY.
[ GASPS ]
[ GASPS ]
NOW THAT HAD OOMPH.
WAIT.
TONY, COME BACK!
OOMPH ME AGAIN!
TONY!
Michael: HELLO, EVERYBODY.
MM-HMM.
YEAH, HI.
HEY, COULD YOU ALL AT LEAST
SAY SOMETHING INTELLIGIBLE?
HI, DREAM KILLER.
I JUST HAD A HAPPY THOUGHT.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME OVER HERE
AND STEP ON IT?
I WAS GOING TO GO REGISTER
JUNIOR JR.
AT PRESCHOOL
TOMORROW MORNING.
YOU WANT TO COME ALONG
AND GET HIM KICKED OUT?
DOES SHE KNOW
SHE EATING MY CRUMB CAKE?
SHE'S EATING
MY CRUMB CAKE.
WELL, YOU ALL
ARE GOING TO BE EATING
THOSE NASTY, MEAN WORDS
YOU'RE SAYING TO ME IN A MOMENT,
BECAUSE I HAVE
SOME SPECTACULAR NEWS.
[ Gasps ] WHAT, YOU SOLD
THE HOUSE FROM UNDER US,
AND NOW WE HAVE TO
LIVE IN A TRAILER!
CLOSE.
ACTUALLY, I'M KIDDING.
HA HA HA.
LOOK...
LOOK, I KNOW YOU'VE ALL
PROBABLY BEEN WONDERING,
WHERE HAVE I BEEN
THESE PAST TWO DAYS?
FOR REAL, I HAVEN'T THOUGHT
ABOUT YOU ONE TIME.
I GOT... MY HEAD IS...
WELL, IN CASE...
IN CASE YOU WAS WORRIED...
I WAS ONLINE.
GREAT. WHY?
WELL, LOOK,
IT'S UP TO YOU, JUNIOR, IF YOU
WANT TO ACCEPT THIS OR NOT,
BUT IN AN EFFORT
TO REDEEM MYSELF,
I STRUCK A DEAL...
HA HA HA HA...
I STRUCK A DEAL
TO SELL YOUR IDEA
TO A STARTUP
INTERNET COMPANY.
REALLY?
YES. NOW, THE MONEY
IS NOT AS GOOD
AS, SAY,
"NETWORK TELEVISION,"
BUT THE MERCHANDISING
COULD BE HUGE, AND...
YOU'LL OWN IT.
WOW, DAD.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
JUNIOR, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING.
I OWE YOU THIS.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT,
JUNIOR?
ANYTIME YOU DO
SOMETHING STUPID,
I ALWAYS POP YOU IN THE BACK
OF YOUR HEAD, RIGHT THERE.
YEAH.
AW, IT MAKE ME WANT
TO HIT IT RIGHT NOW.
YEAH... OH, OH...
THAT'S THE SWEET SPOT
RIGHT HERE.
BUT...
I'M NOT GOING TO DO IT.
OKAY.
I'M GOING TO LET YOU...
I'M GIVING YOU PERMISSION
THIS TIME
TO POP ME
IN THE BACK OF THE...
OOH, JUNIOR.
HA HA HA!
YEAH!
Vanessa: THAT'S MY BABY!
HERE WE...
GET IT, BABY, GET IT, GET IT.
NICE AND GOOD.
RIGHT THERE,
RIGHT ON THE... HA HA.
HERE WE GO.
AAH!
AAH, I CAN'T DO IT, DAD.
WELL, I CAN. I CAN.
HEY, HEY, DO YOU KNOW
THAT YOU SLEEPING
IN MY HOUSE?
HA HA. I'M JUST KIDDING,
MR. KYLE.
I'M NOT.
OOH, OOH, OOH.
OKAY, I'VE HOOKED UP
THE COMPUTER TO THE BIG SCREEN
SO WE CAN WATCH
THE ONLINE DOWNLOAD
ON THE SATELLITE UPLINK.
YOU KNOW WHAT? FORGET
ALL THAT FANCY-SCHMANCY TALK
AND LET'S TURN
THE THING ON, KID.
[ APPLAUSE ]
YOUR DAD CAME BY
AGAIN TODAY
ASKING FOR SOME MONEY.
NOT AGAIN.
HE OUGHT TO BE HAPPY
I LET HIM
AND HIS BIG HEAD
LIVE IN THE GARAGE
[ ALL LAUGHING ]
HEY, SON.
I GOT A QUESTION FOR YOU.
I GOT A BOOK
FOR MY GRANDBABY.
HE'S ONLY 3 MONTHS OLD.
HE CAN'T READ.
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
THE BOOK'S IN SPANISH.
YOU SURE ARE DUMB.
OW!
WELL, LET ME GET
RIGHT TO THE POINT.
I NEED SOME MONEY.
YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY.
WHY NOT?
WE GOT PLENTY OF MONEY.
WE'RE RICH.
NO, DAD,
I'VE GOT MONEY.
YOU'RE BROKE.
Michael: OH, NO.
LOOK AT THAT.
Woman: WHAT'S GOING ON
IN THIS KITCHEN?
OH, LORD,
HERE COME YOUR MAMA.
HOLD ON!
RUFUS IS STUCK AGAIN.
[ ALL LAUGHING ]
WHEN ARE YOU TWO GOING
TO MOVE OUT
AND GET A PLACE
OF YOUR OWN?
WHEN YOU SAY "YOU TWO,"
DO YOU MEAN ME AND YOUR MOM,
AND DO YOU MEAN ME
AND YOUR MAMA'S BUTT?
OH, I GOT YOUR BUTT,
ALL RIGHT.
I KNOW YOU DO. YOU BETTER
BRING IT UP WITH HIM, WOMAN.
OH, MAN.
THIS IS GREAT STUFF.
YEAH, THAT'S GREAT STUFF.
SO WHAT
DO YOU THINK, MAMA?
UH...
IT'S FUNNY,
NO BUTS ABOUT THAT.
SO DO YOU FORGIVE ME?
OF COURSE I DO, JUNIOR,
AND I WISH YOU
NOTHING BUT THE BEST.
OH, THANK YOU.
SO DOES RUFUS.
OH, THANKS, MAN.
[ As Rufus ]
YOU'RE WELCOME.
[ ALL LAUGH ]
OH, SO WHAT ABOUT YOU, DAD?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
SON, I THINK YOU HAVE
A BIG HIT ON YOUR HANDS.
REALLY?
YEP.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
NOTHING.
YOU THOUGHT I WAS GOING
TO HIT THE SWEET SPOT?
NO, HEY, HEY.
COME HERE.
I'M PROUD OF YOU, BOY.
OH, THANK YOU, DAD.
HA HA HA.
"TOON" IS ACTUALLY
A SIMILE.
I'M ONTO SOMETHING HERE.
OKAY.
NOW, "TOON" IS
THE OTHER WORD
IN "CARTOON," RIGHT?
"TOON"... HA HA.
OKAY.
AND TUNE IN TO THEIR
THOUGHT PROCESS, HENCE...
HA HA HA.