My Wife and Kids (2001–2005): Season 5, Episode 18 - The Remodel - full transcript
Realizing that the garage is no longer a suitable living situation for Jr., Vanessa and the baby, Jay insists that Michael have it remodeled. When the contractor bids are too expensive for his taste, Michael decides to take on the...
OKAY, BABE.
FOLLOW ME.
[ THUMP ]
OW! IS THAT THE SURPRISE?
HA HA!
SORRY, BABE!
I'M SORRY.
OKAY, HOLD ON.
HOLD ON.
HERE WE GO.
SURPRISE.
WE'RE
IN THE GARAGE.
AND?
AND JUNIOR'S
NOT HERE.
AND?
AND YOU WANT TO MAKE LOVE
IN THE GARAGE?
YOU FREAKY LITTLE
THING. WHAT ARE YOU...
LET ME TURN ON
THE DRYER HERE
SO THAT BUTT CAN GO
AROUND LIKE THAT.
MICHAEL, MICHAEL.
MICHAEL!
COME BACK TO ME.
NO, NO, NO.
THAT'S NOT THE SURPRISE.
THAT'S NOT
THE SURPRISE?
NO. NO, IT'S NOT.
ALL RIGHT,
THEN I GIVE UP...
UNLESS IT'S
THAT STUPID BOOKSHELF.
THAT IS IT,
BUT IT'S NOT STUPID, MICHAEL.
IT'S A SIMPLE THING THAT MAKES
THE ROOM MORE HOMEY AND COMFY.
BABY, I DON'T WANT THIS ROOM
MORE HOMEY AND COMFY FOR JUNIOR.
I WANT IT
AS UNCOMFORTABLE AS POSSIBLE
SO HE HAS INCENTIVE
TO LEAVE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
THIS IS A PRISON CELL.
IT'S PUNISHMENT FOR WHAT HE DID
BACK IN OUR ROOM.
YOU'RE STILL NOT THINKING
ABOUT THAT, ARE YOU?
I CAN'T FORGET IT.
HE HAD SEX IN OUR BED.
MICHAEL, YOU WERE
JUST ABOUT TO TRY
TO HAVE SEX WITH ME
IN HIS ROOM!
I'M TRYING TO TEACH HIM A LESSON
YOU'LL NEVER FORGET.
[ Chuckling ]
MICHAEL, WAIT!
WAIT. IF YOU PLAY
YOUR CARDS RIGHT,
I JUST MIGHT TAKE YOU UP
ON THAT OFFER.
BLACKJACK.
LET'S GET IT STARTED.
NO! I WANT TO SHOW YOU
SOMETHING ELSE.
I LIKE IT.
THAT'S NOT IT.
I KNOW WHERE YOUR EYES
WERE LOOKING.
LOOK! SCONCES.
WOW!
LOOK-IT HERE... SCONCES.
THIS IS NICE.
THAT IS NOT A...
THAT'S A DOILY.
IT'S A DOILY?
YES.
THESE ARE SCONCES.
OH, I LIKE
THE SCONCES.
WHY DON'T YOU CLIMB YOUR BUTT UP
ON THIS DOILY...
MICHAEL! WILL YOU PLEASE LOOK
AT MY SCONCES?
THEY'RE NICE.
BABY, YOU ARE THE MARTHA STEWART
OF REMODELING.
YOU ARE
THE MODEL REMODELER.
SEE, I'M SO GLAD
YOU BROUGHT THAT UP
'CAUSE I WAS JUST TALKING
TO A CONTRACTOR.
AND WHY DO YOU NEED
A CONTRACTOR?
BECAUSE I WANT
TO REMODEL THE GARAGE, BABY.
OH, WHY?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?
IT'S A GARAGE.
WE CAN'T CONTINUE TO LET
THE KIDS LIVE IN HERE LIKE THIS.
WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND
ABOUT PUNISHMENT
FOR WHAT HE DID
IN OUR ROOM, JAY?
WILL YOU PLEASE FORGET
THE PUNISHMENT?
THERE'S AN OIL STAIN IN
THE MIDDLE OF THE LIVING ROOM.
AND DO YOU KNOW
WHAT THE PRICE OF OIL IS?
HMM?
THAT ADDS EQUITY.
WHAT?! NO, MICHAEL,
IT'S DANGEROUS
AND IT'S SLIPPERY.
NO, YOU KNOW
WHAT IT DOES?
IT HELPS
TO HEIGHTEN YOUR SENSES.
IF YOU WALK
ON AN OIL STAIN,
THEN YOU START TO SLIP...
WHO-O-O-O-A!
IT HELPS YOU WITH YOUR
EQUILIBRIUM AND BALANCE.
OKAY, I DIDN'T WANT
TO HAVE TO DO THIS.
I DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO
BRING OUT THE HEAVY ARTILLERY,
BUT I'M GONNA HAVE TO.
I'M PULLING
THE GRANDBABY CARD.
OH, LORD HAVE MER...
OH, IT'S A BIG...
YOUR GRANDSON...
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
THE WALK.
I SEE.
NO, NO, NO, NO. NO.
LET IT GO!
THAT'S RIGHT...
THE FRUIT OF THE FRUIT OF YOUR
LOINS IS LIVING IN A GARAGE.
YOU'VE GOT YOUR BABY LIVING
IN A GARAGE.
THINK ABOUT
WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
THIS IS
A TIME-CONSUMING PROCESS.
FIRST OF ALL,
YOU HAVE TO HAVE BIDS.
GOT IT.
WELL, THEN YOU NEED
TO GET PERMITS.
GOT IT.
AND YOU ALSO GOT...
GOT IT.
GOT IT!
I GOT EVERYTHING.
AND GUESS WHAT ELSE?
CONTRACTOR'S MEETING US HERE
IN THE MORNING.
WELL, YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU DON'T HAVE?
WHAT?
MY PERMISSION.
GOT IT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
OH, I'M WRITING
A LOVE LETTER TO NUNYA.
NUNYA WHO?
NUNYA BUSINESS.
WELL, I'M WRITING
A LOVE LETTER TO FRANKLIN,
AND I WANTED TO KNOW
IF YOU WANTED TO HEAR IT?
UH, SURE.
OKAY.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
"ROSES ARE RED,
VIOLETS ARE BLUE,
"I'M FOUR FOOT ONE,
AND YOU'RE THREE FOOT TWO.
LOVE, KADY."
[ LAUGHS ]
IS THIS A LOVE LETTER
OR ARE YOU TRYING
TO INSULT HIM?
[ GASPS ]
YOU DON'T LIKE IT?
WELL, YOU NEED TO STOP REFERRING
TO HIS HEIGHT.
THEN WHAT SHOULD
I WRITE ABOUT?
WELL, JUST TELL HIM
THE WAY HE MAKES YOU FEEL.
TALL?
[ LAUGHS ] NO.
EMOTIONALLY.
LOOK, I JUST WROTE
THIS LETTER TO TONY.
WHY DON'T YOU READ THIS
AND USE IT AS A GUIDELINE
TO WHAT A REAL LOVE LETTER
SOUNDS LIKE?
OKAY, THANKS.
THIS IS GOOD.
THIS IS REAL GOOD.
OKAY, HERE'S
WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.
WE'RE GONNA KNOCK
THIS WALL OUT COMPLETELY,
PUT IN SOME NICE INSULATION
RIGHT IN THERE.
I DON'T THINK SO.
WE'RE NOT PAYING FOR THAT.
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
CAN YOU SEE
INSULATION?
NOT IF IT'S
DONE RIGHT.
OKAY, THEN I'M NOT PAYING
FOR IT.
I'M ONLY PAYING
FOR THINGS I SEE.
YOU WANT TO SHOW US
SOME "OUTSULATION,"
I'LL PAY FOR THAT.
[ LAUGHS ]
WELL, YOU DON'T SEE NAILS, DO
YOU? THEN WE DON'T USE THEM.
WELL, THEN, WHAT'S GONNA HOLD
EVERYTHING TOGETHER?
YOU CAN USE GUM,
GLUE, STAPLES,
[SNORTS]
SOME OF THAT STUFF.
SOMETHING I CAN SEE,
WOODY.
COME HERE.
EXCUSE US FOR A SECOND, WOODY.
COME OVER HERE, PLEASE.
I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT WAS THAT?
JAY, YOU CAN'T LET
THESE GUYS HUSTLE YOU.
HE'S A CON MAN.
THAT'S WHY
THEY CALL THEM CONTRACTOR
BECAUSE "CON-TRACT"...
CON, TO ROB,
TAKEN FROM
THE ROOT WORD "CONVICT"...
TO ROB YOU
OF YOUR TRACTION.
SEE, IF HE WAS HONEST,
HE'D BE CALLED "HONTRACTOR"...
AN HONEST TRACTOR."
THAT'S ABOUT THE DUMBEST THING
I'VE EVER HEARD YOU SAY.
YOU KNOW WHY?
LET ME TELL YOU WHY IT'S DUMB.
IT'S DUMB BECAUSE THIS IS NOT
YOUR MONEY WE'RE SPENDING.
WHOA! WAIT, NO!
YOU CLARIFY THIS
FOR ME
'CAUSE I'M NOT SPEN...
WHAT... WHAT MONEY?
IF WE GOT A DIVORCE,
YOU'D GET HALF.
REMEMBER THAT.
BUT WE ARE
HAPPILY IN LOVE.
FOR NOW!
FOR NOW.
YES, AND I'M CONTROLLING
THE PURSE STRINGS.
AND I SAY YOU LET ME DO
MY MAGIC.
I GOT
THIS GUY'S RESPECT, JAY.
I DEAL WITH GUYS LIKE WOODY
ALL THE TIME.
WOODY... THAT'S
WHY THEY CALL HIM WOODY.
"WOOD" HE CHEAT YOU?
YES HE "WOOD-Y."
UNBELIEVABLE.
SEE, THIS GUY...
THE ONLY THING HE RESPONDS TO
IS ME SAYING NO.
"NO, WE'RE NOT GONNA PUT
IN A NEW FLOOR.
"NO, NO WALLS.
"NO, WE DON'T NEED
A FOUNDATION.
"NO, WE DON'T WANT LIGHTS
UP THERE.
NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO-Y, NO, NO."
HEY, CAN I ASK YOU
SOMETHING? NO.
I JUST THOUGHT PERHAPS...
NO.
CAN I HAVE
A DRINK OF WATER?
NO, NO, NO-Y,
NO, NO, NO.
I QUIT.
[ CHUCKLES ]
SEE, THAT'S RESPECT, JAY.
HE'S GONE, MICHAEL!
NO, HEY, HEY, HEY.
HE'S JUST PLAYING A ROLE.
THIS IS THE GAME...
THE NEGOTIATION GAME.
SEE, HE WALKS OUTSIDE,
AND HE WAITS IN HIS TRUCK.
AND THEN HE GIVES ME
THE MIDDLE FINGER.
[ Chuckling ]
AW, YEAH.
HE WANTS ME TO BELIEVE
THAT HE'S REALLY UPSET.
AND THEN HE BACKS UP
OVER THE MAILBOX,
AND HE GIVES ME
THE FINGER AGAIN.
[ Chuckling ]
WOW, THIS GUY IS GOOD, JAY.
HE PLAYS THE GAME,
THIS GUY.
[ TAPPING ]
YOU KNOW WHAT?
HE WASN'T THE RIGHT GUY
FOR THE JOB, ANYWAY.
AW, MICHAEL!
WHAT ARE WE
GONNA DO NOW?!
LOOK, WE'RE GONNA DO
WHAT WE SHOULD HAVE DONE
IN THE FIRST PLACE,
JAY.
WE'LL JUST
DO IT OURSELVES.
YOU'RE GONNA
DO IT YOURSELF?
YEAH, ME AND JUNIOR.
[ SCOFFS ]
YOU AND JUNIOR
ARE GONNA USE
POWER TOOLS, NAIL GUNS,
HOT GLUE?
YEAH, AND THAT THING
THAT GOES... VRRR!
THAT CUTS
THROUGH STUFF.
YOU MEAN A SAW?
YEAH, THAT THING.
IT'S GONNA BE A GREAT
BONDING EXPERIENCE FOR US.
YEAH, YOU CAN BOND ALL THE WAY
TO THE HOSPITAL IN AN AMBULANCE.
YOU GO ON
AND LAUGH, JAY.
BUT LET ME
TELL YOU SOMETHING.
HE WHO LAUGHS LAST GETS
THE FIRST LAUGH
AFTER THE GUY
WHO LAUGHED BEFORE HIM.
AND IF HE LAUGHED
THAT TIME,
THEN IMAGINE
HOW GOOD THE LAUGH WILL BE
WHEN YOU
LAST LAUGH LAST.
HEY, FRANKLIN.
HAVE YOU SEEN CLAIRE?
SHE'S UPSTAIRS.
TIGHT.
[ SIGHS ]
WHAT ARE YOU READING?
A LOVE LETTER.
KADY HAS SUCH A WAY WITH WORDS.
LISTEN TO THIS.
"I THINK YOU'RE REALLY NEAT.
YOUR KISSES ARE SO SWEET.
"YOU KNOCK ME OFF MY FEET.
YOU MAKE ME FEEL COMPLETE.
POUND. "POUND."
HU-U-U-H? HU-U-U-H?
HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT?
HAVE YOU BEEN READING MY LETTER?
NO. HAVE YOU
BEEN READING MINE?
LET ME SEE YOURS.
LET ME SEE YOURS.
THEY'RE IDENTICAL!
THAT COULD ONLY MEAN ONE THING.
CLAIRE OBVIOUSLY PLAGIARIZED
KADY'S LETTER.
IMPOSSIBLE.
IT'S JUST A COINCIDENCE.
IF CLAIRE
WERE COPYING KADY,
YOU'D HAVE ALSO GOTTEN
ONE OF THESE...
CANDY NECKLACES.
CANDY NECKLACES.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT'S JUST
ANOTHER AMAZING COINCIDENCE.
BECAUSE I KNOW
FOR A FACT
THAT CLAIRE GOT ME AND ONLY ME
A BOX OF CARAMEL-COVERED...
SO IT'S TRUE.
SOMEBODY'S BEEN RIPPING
SOMEBODY OFF.
BUT THE QUESTION
IS, WHO?
WELL, THAT'S EASILY CHECKED.
EVERY LETTER HAS A DATE.
WHICHEVER LETTER IS DATED FIRST
IS THE ORIGINAL.
OUCH.
I'M CRESTFALLEN.
MY DEAR KADY IS
A PLAGIARIST.
WELL, I'M SURE
IF YOU GOT ALL THAT,
THEN YOU MUST HAVE GOT A PAIR
OF THESE PINK PANTIES?
MMM, NO, I DIDN'T GET
ANY OF THOSE. NAH.
YOU KNOW, THEY GOT MIXED IN
WITH THE REDS.
YOU PROBABLY THINK I'M WEIRD.
I'M NOT WEIRD, OKAY?
Junior:
GO, GO, GO!
AH HA HA HA!
SAY MAMMA.
SAY MAMMA!
AHHHHHH! AHHHHHH!
[ LAUGHING ]
EXCUSE ME.
EXCUSE ME!
YOU TWO, EXCUSE ME.
I THINK THE BABY NEEDS
TO BE CHANGED.
HE'S NOT CRYING. WELL, MY
EYES ARE TEARING UP. HE STINKS.
SORRY, MAMMA,
BUT THAT WASN'T THE BABY.
OHHHH! JUNIOR, MY MOUTH
WAS OPEN THAT TIME! GOD!
HERE'S YOUR RATTLE,
JUNIOR JUNIOR.
DON'T YOU LOVE THE RATTLE?
DON'T YOU LOVE THE RATTLE?
GIVE HIM THE RATTLE.
NOW GIVE ME THE RATTLE.
DON'T YOU LOVE
THE RATTLE?
I LOVE THE RATTLE!
GIVE ME THE RATTLE.
GIVE ME THE RATTLE.
I WANT THE RATTLE.
I WANT THE RATTLE.
YOU GUYS ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY.
MICHAEL! MICHAEL!
Michael:
YES, BABY, I'M COMING.
MICHAEL, COME IN HERE
RIGHT NOW!
WHAT? YES, YES.
WHAT, WOMAN? WHAT?
MICHAEL, THESE KIDS
ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY.
HOW MUCH LONGER
IS THIS REMODEL GONNA TAKE?
HEY, DON'T... YOU...
RUSH... ART.
THE SISTINE CHAPEL
WAS NOT BUILT IN A DAY.
THE PYRAMIDS WEREN'T
A WEEKEND PROJECT.
AND THE TAJ MAHAL CERTAINLY
DIDN'T JUST POP UP OVERNIGHT.
WELL, MICHAEL.
YOU BETTER GET IT DONE,
AND YOU BETTER
GET IT DONE QUICKLY
OR ELSE I'M CALLING
A CONTRACTOR.
BABY, YOU DON'T
NEED TO SAY THAT... NO.
BUT IF I GIVE THE...
NO!
YOU NEED TO GIVE ME...
NO!
CAN I HAVE A KISS?
NO, NO, NO, NO,
NO-Y, NO, NO.
HUH!
GOT IT.
A COUPLE MORE STEPS,
DAD. UGH!
UGH! DON'T GIVE OUT
ON ME NOW.
UGH! UGHH! UGH!
UGH!
UHH! UHH!
JUNIOR, LET ME SEE
YOUR HAMMER.
OH, SURE.
♪ DO-DO-DO-DO DO-DO DO-DO ♪
♪ CAN'T TOUCH THIS
DO-DO-DO-DO DO-DO DO-DO ♪
♪ CAN'T TOUCH THIS ♪
♪ DO-DO-DO-DO DO-DO DO-DO
CAN'T TOUCH THIS ♪
♪ MMM-MMM-MMM-MMM
MMM-MMM MMM... ♪
I TOUCHED IT.
NOW, LET'S GO OVER
THE SAFETY CHECKLIST, ALL RIGHT?
IF YOU LOOK AROUND,
YOU'LL SEE
THAT WE'RE IN
A VERY DANGEROUS ENVIRONMENT.
OKAY, YOU NOTICE
SOME OF THESE 2x4s
STILL HAVE NAILS
PROTRUDING FROM THEM.
SO YOU WANT TO BE CAREFUL.
ALWAYS BE CAREFUL.
NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO,
THINK SAFETY.
YOU GOT YOUR PROTECTIVE GOGGLES
IN CASE, YOU KNOW,
SOME DEBRIS FLIES OUT AND TRIES
TO HIT YOU IN THE EYE.
AND MOST OF ALL, JUNIOR,
YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL
BECAUSE WE GOT A LOT
OF EXPOSED WIRES AROUND HERE.
AND THEY'RE WHAT WE CALL
IN THE BUSINESS... HOT.
WELL, IF THEY'RE HOT, WHY DON'T
YOU JUST COOL THEM OFF?
BECAUSE... BOY, ARE YOU STILL
DOING THE HAMMER?
THAT'S NOT EVEN A GOOD HAMMER.
THIS IS THE WAY YOU DO HAMMER.
OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD!
WHAT HAPPENED?
MICHAEL!
OHH! OH!
MICHAEL, YOU'RE DANCING WHILE
YOUR SON IS BEING ELECTROCUTED?!
I THOUGHT
HE WAS DOING HAMMER!
I WANT YOU TO STOP
ALL THIS MADNESS AND CALL WOODY.
NO.
YOU CALL WOODY.
YOU BETTER CALL.
NO.
YOU KEEP PLAYING WITH ME.
YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX?
NO, NO, NO-Y, NO, NO.
WAIT, WAIT.
I-I DIDN'T MEAN THAT ONE.
SO WHAT'S THE PLAN?
I'M GLAD YOU ASKED.
I JUST WENT
TO THE LIBRARY,
AND I PICKED UP ALL THESE BOOKS
ON HOW TO DO IT YOURSELF.
GREAT!
LET'S GET STARTED.
DON'T YELL IN MY EAR
LIKE THAT.
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
ALL RIGHT,
HERE IT IS.
"HOW TO CONVERT YOUR GARAGE."
CHAPTER ONE, PAGE ONE.
PAGE ONE.
LET'S GET STARTED.
ALL RIGHT.
FIRST THING YOU DO
IS SELECT A GROMMET.
JUNIOR, GO GET THE
GROMMET. GOTCHA.
UM, DAD?
WHAT'S A GROMMET?
[ CHUCKLES ]
BOY, HOW OLD ARE YOU?
YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT A GROMMET IS?
NO. DO YOU, DADDY?
[ CHUCKLING, SNORTING ]
OF COURSE I KNOW
WHAT A GROMMET IS.
BUT, YOU KNOW,
I'M HERE TO TEACH YOU.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
THROUGH PROCESS
OF ELIMINATION,
WE'RE GONNA TEACH YOU
WHAT A GROMMET IS.
BECAUSE I KNOW
WHAT A GROMMET IS.
IT'S UP TO YOU TO FIGURE OUT
WHAT A GROMMET IS.
IS THAT A GROMMET?
NO.
THEN PUT THAT
IN THAT PILE RIGHT THERE.
THAT'S THE PILE
THAT'S NOT GROMMET.
ALL RIGHT.
IS... THIS A GROMMET?
NO, THAT'S
A SKATEBOARD.
OKAY, THEN WE PUT THIS
IN THE DEFINITELY NOT A GROMMET.
WE PUT THAT
IN THE SKATEBOARD PILE.
ALL RIGHT.
IS THIS A GROMMET?
IT LOOK GROMMETY.
MAYBE.
OKAY,
LET'S TEST IT OUT.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO TEST IT
TO SEE IF IT'S THE GROMMET.
AAH! AAH!
AAH! AAH!
DOES IT FEEL
LIKE A GROMMET?
NOOOOO!
OKAY, THEN IT'S NOT A GROMMET.
ALL RIGHT.
WE'LL PUT THAT
IN THE MAYBE PILE.
MAYBE GROMMET,
MAYBE NOT.
ALL RIGHT,
IS THIS A GROMMET?
NO. I KNOW.
LET ME TEST IT OUT.
NO.
ALL RIGHT.
[ WHIMPERS ]
OW! OW! AAH!
AAH! AAH! AAH! AAAH!
IS THAT A GROMMET?
NO.
YEAH, IT DIDN'T FEEL
LIKE A GROMMET.
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
SO WE'LL PUT THIS
IN THE MAYBE-A-GROMMET PILE.
[ SIGHS ]
HOW MANY THINGS DO WE HAVE
IN THE MAYBE-A-GROMMET PILE?
UH, 16,
INCLUDING A FORK.
WE NARROWED IT DOWN,
I THINK, TO ONE.
AND WHAT'S THAT?
THIS, SIR, I BELIEVE,
IS A GROMMET.
YOU WANT
TO TEST IT OUT?
NO, I DON'T WANT
TO TEST IT OUT.
IT SAYS GROMMET ON IT.
ALL RIGHT, WELL,
WE'RE ON OUR WAY.
SO NOW WE GO TO THE NEXT
SENTENCE IN CHAPTER ONE.
IT SAYS,
"INSERT THE GROMMET
INTO THE FLANGE."
FOUND IT.
I WROTE A LETTER FOR YOU
TO GIVE TO FRANKLIN.
YOU WANT TO HEAR IT?
NO, THAT'S OKAY.
I THINK YOU SHOULD HEAR IT.
"DEAR FRANKLIN, I'M A
PLAGIARIZING LITTLE WEASEL,
"AND I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU SEE IN ME.
LOVE, KADY."
I'M REALLY SORRY, CLAIRE.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO IT.
IT'S JUST THAT YOUR LETTER
WAS SO BEAUTIFUL,
AND IT WAS
EXACTLY HOW I FELT.
THAT'S REALLY SWEET,
KADY.
I'M FLATTERED THAT YOU THINK
I HAVE A BRAIN IN MY HEAD.
I MEAN,
MOST PEOPLE DON'T.
BUT AS FLATTERED
AS I AM,
STEALING SOMEONE ELSE'S IDEAS
IS WRONG.
BUT I DON'T HAVE
ANY IDEAS OF MY OWN.
OH, SURE YOU DO.
JUST WRITE FRANKLIN
AND TELL HIM
HOW YOU REALLY FEEL
FROM YOUR HEART.
BUT WHEN I WRITE THINGS DOWN,
I SOUND SO STUPID.
FRANKLIN WON'T THINK
IT'S STUPID.
ARE YOU SURE?
I'M SURE.
IN FACT, HE'LL PROBABLY GET
SO OVERWHELMED,
THAT HE'LL GET YOU ONE
OF THESE... A SILVER CHARM...
BRACE... LET. BRACE... LET.
FRANKLIN.
THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.
LOOK, WE'RE MAKING
A LOT OF PROGRESS.
BUT I'M HAVING TROUBLE
WITH THE WIRING.
WELL, YOU HAPPEN TO BE IN LUCK.
I'M A LICENSED CONTRACTOR.
OH, YEAH?
LET'S SEE IF HE'S LYING.
WHAT'S A GROMMET?
IT'S THE THING ATTACHED
TO THE FLANGE OVER THERE.
WHICH, INCIDENTALLY,
IS INSTALLED BACKWARDS.
WELL, UM... WELL...
WE WERE GOING FOR
A BACKWARDS KIND OF LOOK.
WE GONNA PUT THE FLOOR
ON THE CEILING.
YEAH, YEAH,
WE DOING THAT.
EVERYTHING [STAMMERS]
ART DECO.
LET'S... LET'S GET
TO WORK, THOUGH.
LET'S.
I'M GONNA CHECK THIS WIRING.
HMM?
FRANKLIN,
ARE YOU WEARING PINK PANTIES?
[ BREATHES RAPIDLY ]
YEAH... YES.
BUT... BUT I CAN EXPLAIN.
IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.
THEY WERE...
A GIFT. A GIFT.
I KNOW, BUT JAY SAID
THAT EVERYBODY WAS...
WEARING THEM.
WEARING THEM. WEARING THEM.
OKAY, WELL, SINCE
YOU GUYS GOT THE PANTIES,
I'M SURE YOU GOT THE MATCHING
PINK TRAINING BRAS.
MNH-MNH.
THAT'S NASTY.
THAT'S... UGH.
OKAY.
KADY.
KADY! KADY!!
OH! [ CHUCKLES ]
FRANKLIN. HI.
I CAME OVER
TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT THIS LETTER
THAT YOU REALLY WROTE ME.
YOU HATE IT,
DON'T YOU?
[ SIGHS ] LET ME UTTER
YOUR WORDS BEFORE I COMMENT.
"DEAR FRANKLIN...
"OHHHH.
LUV, KADY."
IT'S AWFUL.
CONTRAIRE.
IT'S BRILLIANT.
YOU EVEN SPELLED LOVE
L-U-V LIKE BARRY WHITE.
WHO?!
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
WHAT MATTERS IS THE SILENCE
IN THIS LETTER
IS SO MUCH MORE ELOQUENT
THAN ALL THE WORDS IN THE WORLD.
BY SAYING NOTHING,
YOU'VE SAID EVERYTHING.
ANYONE CAN WRITE
A HAIKU.
YOU HAVE INVENTED
THE "LOWKU."
YOU REALLY LIKE IT?
I "LOVED-ED-ED" IT.
WATCH HERE.
WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING.
[ THUMP ]
MICHAEL!
YEAH, RIGHT THERE.
PAYBACK.
COME ON IN.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
ON THE COUNT OF THREE,
EVERYBODY OPEN THEIR EYES.
ONE...
COME ON!
TWO...
THREE!
HEH HEH HEH HEH!
MICHAEL,
THIS PLACE IS AMAZING.
IT REALLY LOOKS
FABULOUS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THIS
ALL BY YOURSELF.
WELL, I ACTUALLY HAD
A LITTLE HELP FROM JUNIOR.
LET ME
TELL YOU SOMETHING.
THERE'S NOTHING LIKE
THE FEELING YOU GET
FROM DOING SOMETHING
WITH YOUR OWN HANDS.
I FEEL LIKE THAT
EVERY NIGHT.
AND IN THE MORNING.
AND IN THE SHOWER.
AND TWO MINUTES AGO.
ALL RIGHT, JUNIOR!
MICHAEL, LOOK.
BABY, I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.
I DOUBTED YOU AT FIRST,
AND I'M VERY SORRY ABOUT THAT.
BUT THIS IS
A PROFESSIONAL JOB.
YEAH, DAD.
THIS PLACE IS
ALMOST TOO NICE FOR US.
IT SURE IS.
IT IS?
WELL, IT'S WAY TOO NICE
FOR YOU.
I MEAN, IT WOULD BE
JUST PLAIN OLD WRONG
TO REWARD YOU
WITH ALL OF THIS.
YEAH, DAD.
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BABY?
OH, I DO THINK THE BABY NEEDS
A NEW ROOM.
IN FACT, YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M GONNA DO?
I'M GONNA LET YOU, VANESSA,
AND THAT BABY
HAVE YOUR
OLD ROOM BACK.
REALLY?
THAT'S RIGHT.
WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN
TO MICHAEL'S WORLD?
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ CHUCKLING INTENSIFIES ]
[ LAUGHING ]
MICHAEL!
YES, DEAR.
AND I SAY LET ME DO MY MAGIC.
I'VE GOT
THIS GUY'S RESPECT, JAY.
CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?
HONEY, NOT YET.
[ LAUGHS ]
IF YOU LOOK AROUND,
YOU'LL SEE
THAT WE'RE IN
A VERY DANGEROUS ENVIRONMENT.
FOLLOW ME.
[ THUMP ]
OW! IS THAT THE SURPRISE?
HA HA!
SORRY, BABE!
I'M SORRY.
OKAY, HOLD ON.
HOLD ON.
HERE WE GO.
SURPRISE.
WE'RE
IN THE GARAGE.
AND?
AND JUNIOR'S
NOT HERE.
AND?
AND YOU WANT TO MAKE LOVE
IN THE GARAGE?
YOU FREAKY LITTLE
THING. WHAT ARE YOU...
LET ME TURN ON
THE DRYER HERE
SO THAT BUTT CAN GO
AROUND LIKE THAT.
MICHAEL, MICHAEL.
MICHAEL!
COME BACK TO ME.
NO, NO, NO.
THAT'S NOT THE SURPRISE.
THAT'S NOT
THE SURPRISE?
NO. NO, IT'S NOT.
ALL RIGHT,
THEN I GIVE UP...
UNLESS IT'S
THAT STUPID BOOKSHELF.
THAT IS IT,
BUT IT'S NOT STUPID, MICHAEL.
IT'S A SIMPLE THING THAT MAKES
THE ROOM MORE HOMEY AND COMFY.
BABY, I DON'T WANT THIS ROOM
MORE HOMEY AND COMFY FOR JUNIOR.
I WANT IT
AS UNCOMFORTABLE AS POSSIBLE
SO HE HAS INCENTIVE
TO LEAVE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
THIS IS A PRISON CELL.
IT'S PUNISHMENT FOR WHAT HE DID
BACK IN OUR ROOM.
YOU'RE STILL NOT THINKING
ABOUT THAT, ARE YOU?
I CAN'T FORGET IT.
HE HAD SEX IN OUR BED.
MICHAEL, YOU WERE
JUST ABOUT TO TRY
TO HAVE SEX WITH ME
IN HIS ROOM!
I'M TRYING TO TEACH HIM A LESSON
YOU'LL NEVER FORGET.
[ Chuckling ]
MICHAEL, WAIT!
WAIT. IF YOU PLAY
YOUR CARDS RIGHT,
I JUST MIGHT TAKE YOU UP
ON THAT OFFER.
BLACKJACK.
LET'S GET IT STARTED.
NO! I WANT TO SHOW YOU
SOMETHING ELSE.
I LIKE IT.
THAT'S NOT IT.
I KNOW WHERE YOUR EYES
WERE LOOKING.
LOOK! SCONCES.
WOW!
LOOK-IT HERE... SCONCES.
THIS IS NICE.
THAT IS NOT A...
THAT'S A DOILY.
IT'S A DOILY?
YES.
THESE ARE SCONCES.
OH, I LIKE
THE SCONCES.
WHY DON'T YOU CLIMB YOUR BUTT UP
ON THIS DOILY...
MICHAEL! WILL YOU PLEASE LOOK
AT MY SCONCES?
THEY'RE NICE.
BABY, YOU ARE THE MARTHA STEWART
OF REMODELING.
YOU ARE
THE MODEL REMODELER.
SEE, I'M SO GLAD
YOU BROUGHT THAT UP
'CAUSE I WAS JUST TALKING
TO A CONTRACTOR.
AND WHY DO YOU NEED
A CONTRACTOR?
BECAUSE I WANT
TO REMODEL THE GARAGE, BABY.
OH, WHY?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?
IT'S A GARAGE.
WE CAN'T CONTINUE TO LET
THE KIDS LIVE IN HERE LIKE THIS.
WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND
ABOUT PUNISHMENT
FOR WHAT HE DID
IN OUR ROOM, JAY?
WILL YOU PLEASE FORGET
THE PUNISHMENT?
THERE'S AN OIL STAIN IN
THE MIDDLE OF THE LIVING ROOM.
AND DO YOU KNOW
WHAT THE PRICE OF OIL IS?
HMM?
THAT ADDS EQUITY.
WHAT?! NO, MICHAEL,
IT'S DANGEROUS
AND IT'S SLIPPERY.
NO, YOU KNOW
WHAT IT DOES?
IT HELPS
TO HEIGHTEN YOUR SENSES.
IF YOU WALK
ON AN OIL STAIN,
THEN YOU START TO SLIP...
WHO-O-O-O-A!
IT HELPS YOU WITH YOUR
EQUILIBRIUM AND BALANCE.
OKAY, I DIDN'T WANT
TO HAVE TO DO THIS.
I DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO
BRING OUT THE HEAVY ARTILLERY,
BUT I'M GONNA HAVE TO.
I'M PULLING
THE GRANDBABY CARD.
OH, LORD HAVE MER...
OH, IT'S A BIG...
YOUR GRANDSON...
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
THE WALK.
I SEE.
NO, NO, NO, NO. NO.
LET IT GO!
THAT'S RIGHT...
THE FRUIT OF THE FRUIT OF YOUR
LOINS IS LIVING IN A GARAGE.
YOU'VE GOT YOUR BABY LIVING
IN A GARAGE.
THINK ABOUT
WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
THIS IS
A TIME-CONSUMING PROCESS.
FIRST OF ALL,
YOU HAVE TO HAVE BIDS.
GOT IT.
WELL, THEN YOU NEED
TO GET PERMITS.
GOT IT.
AND YOU ALSO GOT...
GOT IT.
GOT IT!
I GOT EVERYTHING.
AND GUESS WHAT ELSE?
CONTRACTOR'S MEETING US HERE
IN THE MORNING.
WELL, YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU DON'T HAVE?
WHAT?
MY PERMISSION.
GOT IT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
OH, I'M WRITING
A LOVE LETTER TO NUNYA.
NUNYA WHO?
NUNYA BUSINESS.
WELL, I'M WRITING
A LOVE LETTER TO FRANKLIN,
AND I WANTED TO KNOW
IF YOU WANTED TO HEAR IT?
UH, SURE.
OKAY.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
"ROSES ARE RED,
VIOLETS ARE BLUE,
"I'M FOUR FOOT ONE,
AND YOU'RE THREE FOOT TWO.
LOVE, KADY."
[ LAUGHS ]
IS THIS A LOVE LETTER
OR ARE YOU TRYING
TO INSULT HIM?
[ GASPS ]
YOU DON'T LIKE IT?
WELL, YOU NEED TO STOP REFERRING
TO HIS HEIGHT.
THEN WHAT SHOULD
I WRITE ABOUT?
WELL, JUST TELL HIM
THE WAY HE MAKES YOU FEEL.
TALL?
[ LAUGHS ] NO.
EMOTIONALLY.
LOOK, I JUST WROTE
THIS LETTER TO TONY.
WHY DON'T YOU READ THIS
AND USE IT AS A GUIDELINE
TO WHAT A REAL LOVE LETTER
SOUNDS LIKE?
OKAY, THANKS.
THIS IS GOOD.
THIS IS REAL GOOD.
OKAY, HERE'S
WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.
WE'RE GONNA KNOCK
THIS WALL OUT COMPLETELY,
PUT IN SOME NICE INSULATION
RIGHT IN THERE.
I DON'T THINK SO.
WE'RE NOT PAYING FOR THAT.
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
CAN YOU SEE
INSULATION?
NOT IF IT'S
DONE RIGHT.
OKAY, THEN I'M NOT PAYING
FOR IT.
I'M ONLY PAYING
FOR THINGS I SEE.
YOU WANT TO SHOW US
SOME "OUTSULATION,"
I'LL PAY FOR THAT.
[ LAUGHS ]
WELL, YOU DON'T SEE NAILS, DO
YOU? THEN WE DON'T USE THEM.
WELL, THEN, WHAT'S GONNA HOLD
EVERYTHING TOGETHER?
YOU CAN USE GUM,
GLUE, STAPLES,
[SNORTS]
SOME OF THAT STUFF.
SOMETHING I CAN SEE,
WOODY.
COME HERE.
EXCUSE US FOR A SECOND, WOODY.
COME OVER HERE, PLEASE.
I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT WAS THAT?
JAY, YOU CAN'T LET
THESE GUYS HUSTLE YOU.
HE'S A CON MAN.
THAT'S WHY
THEY CALL THEM CONTRACTOR
BECAUSE "CON-TRACT"...
CON, TO ROB,
TAKEN FROM
THE ROOT WORD "CONVICT"...
TO ROB YOU
OF YOUR TRACTION.
SEE, IF HE WAS HONEST,
HE'D BE CALLED "HONTRACTOR"...
AN HONEST TRACTOR."
THAT'S ABOUT THE DUMBEST THING
I'VE EVER HEARD YOU SAY.
YOU KNOW WHY?
LET ME TELL YOU WHY IT'S DUMB.
IT'S DUMB BECAUSE THIS IS NOT
YOUR MONEY WE'RE SPENDING.
WHOA! WAIT, NO!
YOU CLARIFY THIS
FOR ME
'CAUSE I'M NOT SPEN...
WHAT... WHAT MONEY?
IF WE GOT A DIVORCE,
YOU'D GET HALF.
REMEMBER THAT.
BUT WE ARE
HAPPILY IN LOVE.
FOR NOW!
FOR NOW.
YES, AND I'M CONTROLLING
THE PURSE STRINGS.
AND I SAY YOU LET ME DO
MY MAGIC.
I GOT
THIS GUY'S RESPECT, JAY.
I DEAL WITH GUYS LIKE WOODY
ALL THE TIME.
WOODY... THAT'S
WHY THEY CALL HIM WOODY.
"WOOD" HE CHEAT YOU?
YES HE "WOOD-Y."
UNBELIEVABLE.
SEE, THIS GUY...
THE ONLY THING HE RESPONDS TO
IS ME SAYING NO.
"NO, WE'RE NOT GONNA PUT
IN A NEW FLOOR.
"NO, NO WALLS.
"NO, WE DON'T NEED
A FOUNDATION.
"NO, WE DON'T WANT LIGHTS
UP THERE.
NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO-Y, NO, NO."
HEY, CAN I ASK YOU
SOMETHING? NO.
I JUST THOUGHT PERHAPS...
NO.
CAN I HAVE
A DRINK OF WATER?
NO, NO, NO-Y,
NO, NO, NO.
I QUIT.
[ CHUCKLES ]
SEE, THAT'S RESPECT, JAY.
HE'S GONE, MICHAEL!
NO, HEY, HEY, HEY.
HE'S JUST PLAYING A ROLE.
THIS IS THE GAME...
THE NEGOTIATION GAME.
SEE, HE WALKS OUTSIDE,
AND HE WAITS IN HIS TRUCK.
AND THEN HE GIVES ME
THE MIDDLE FINGER.
[ Chuckling ]
AW, YEAH.
HE WANTS ME TO BELIEVE
THAT HE'S REALLY UPSET.
AND THEN HE BACKS UP
OVER THE MAILBOX,
AND HE GIVES ME
THE FINGER AGAIN.
[ Chuckling ]
WOW, THIS GUY IS GOOD, JAY.
HE PLAYS THE GAME,
THIS GUY.
[ TAPPING ]
YOU KNOW WHAT?
HE WASN'T THE RIGHT GUY
FOR THE JOB, ANYWAY.
AW, MICHAEL!
WHAT ARE WE
GONNA DO NOW?!
LOOK, WE'RE GONNA DO
WHAT WE SHOULD HAVE DONE
IN THE FIRST PLACE,
JAY.
WE'LL JUST
DO IT OURSELVES.
YOU'RE GONNA
DO IT YOURSELF?
YEAH, ME AND JUNIOR.
[ SCOFFS ]
YOU AND JUNIOR
ARE GONNA USE
POWER TOOLS, NAIL GUNS,
HOT GLUE?
YEAH, AND THAT THING
THAT GOES... VRRR!
THAT CUTS
THROUGH STUFF.
YOU MEAN A SAW?
YEAH, THAT THING.
IT'S GONNA BE A GREAT
BONDING EXPERIENCE FOR US.
YEAH, YOU CAN BOND ALL THE WAY
TO THE HOSPITAL IN AN AMBULANCE.
YOU GO ON
AND LAUGH, JAY.
BUT LET ME
TELL YOU SOMETHING.
HE WHO LAUGHS LAST GETS
THE FIRST LAUGH
AFTER THE GUY
WHO LAUGHED BEFORE HIM.
AND IF HE LAUGHED
THAT TIME,
THEN IMAGINE
HOW GOOD THE LAUGH WILL BE
WHEN YOU
LAST LAUGH LAST.
HEY, FRANKLIN.
HAVE YOU SEEN CLAIRE?
SHE'S UPSTAIRS.
TIGHT.
[ SIGHS ]
WHAT ARE YOU READING?
A LOVE LETTER.
KADY HAS SUCH A WAY WITH WORDS.
LISTEN TO THIS.
"I THINK YOU'RE REALLY NEAT.
YOUR KISSES ARE SO SWEET.
"YOU KNOCK ME OFF MY FEET.
YOU MAKE ME FEEL COMPLETE.
POUND. "POUND."
HU-U-U-H? HU-U-U-H?
HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT?
HAVE YOU BEEN READING MY LETTER?
NO. HAVE YOU
BEEN READING MINE?
LET ME SEE YOURS.
LET ME SEE YOURS.
THEY'RE IDENTICAL!
THAT COULD ONLY MEAN ONE THING.
CLAIRE OBVIOUSLY PLAGIARIZED
KADY'S LETTER.
IMPOSSIBLE.
IT'S JUST A COINCIDENCE.
IF CLAIRE
WERE COPYING KADY,
YOU'D HAVE ALSO GOTTEN
ONE OF THESE...
CANDY NECKLACES.
CANDY NECKLACES.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT'S JUST
ANOTHER AMAZING COINCIDENCE.
BECAUSE I KNOW
FOR A FACT
THAT CLAIRE GOT ME AND ONLY ME
A BOX OF CARAMEL-COVERED...
SO IT'S TRUE.
SOMEBODY'S BEEN RIPPING
SOMEBODY OFF.
BUT THE QUESTION
IS, WHO?
WELL, THAT'S EASILY CHECKED.
EVERY LETTER HAS A DATE.
WHICHEVER LETTER IS DATED FIRST
IS THE ORIGINAL.
OUCH.
I'M CRESTFALLEN.
MY DEAR KADY IS
A PLAGIARIST.
WELL, I'M SURE
IF YOU GOT ALL THAT,
THEN YOU MUST HAVE GOT A PAIR
OF THESE PINK PANTIES?
MMM, NO, I DIDN'T GET
ANY OF THOSE. NAH.
YOU KNOW, THEY GOT MIXED IN
WITH THE REDS.
YOU PROBABLY THINK I'M WEIRD.
I'M NOT WEIRD, OKAY?
Junior:
GO, GO, GO!
AH HA HA HA!
SAY MAMMA.
SAY MAMMA!
AHHHHHH! AHHHHHH!
[ LAUGHING ]
EXCUSE ME.
EXCUSE ME!
YOU TWO, EXCUSE ME.
I THINK THE BABY NEEDS
TO BE CHANGED.
HE'S NOT CRYING. WELL, MY
EYES ARE TEARING UP. HE STINKS.
SORRY, MAMMA,
BUT THAT WASN'T THE BABY.
OHHHH! JUNIOR, MY MOUTH
WAS OPEN THAT TIME! GOD!
HERE'S YOUR RATTLE,
JUNIOR JUNIOR.
DON'T YOU LOVE THE RATTLE?
DON'T YOU LOVE THE RATTLE?
GIVE HIM THE RATTLE.
NOW GIVE ME THE RATTLE.
DON'T YOU LOVE
THE RATTLE?
I LOVE THE RATTLE!
GIVE ME THE RATTLE.
GIVE ME THE RATTLE.
I WANT THE RATTLE.
I WANT THE RATTLE.
YOU GUYS ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY.
MICHAEL! MICHAEL!
Michael:
YES, BABY, I'M COMING.
MICHAEL, COME IN HERE
RIGHT NOW!
WHAT? YES, YES.
WHAT, WOMAN? WHAT?
MICHAEL, THESE KIDS
ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY.
HOW MUCH LONGER
IS THIS REMODEL GONNA TAKE?
HEY, DON'T... YOU...
RUSH... ART.
THE SISTINE CHAPEL
WAS NOT BUILT IN A DAY.
THE PYRAMIDS WEREN'T
A WEEKEND PROJECT.
AND THE TAJ MAHAL CERTAINLY
DIDN'T JUST POP UP OVERNIGHT.
WELL, MICHAEL.
YOU BETTER GET IT DONE,
AND YOU BETTER
GET IT DONE QUICKLY
OR ELSE I'M CALLING
A CONTRACTOR.
BABY, YOU DON'T
NEED TO SAY THAT... NO.
BUT IF I GIVE THE...
NO!
YOU NEED TO GIVE ME...
NO!
CAN I HAVE A KISS?
NO, NO, NO, NO,
NO-Y, NO, NO.
HUH!
GOT IT.
A COUPLE MORE STEPS,
DAD. UGH!
UGH! DON'T GIVE OUT
ON ME NOW.
UGH! UGHH! UGH!
UGH!
UHH! UHH!
JUNIOR, LET ME SEE
YOUR HAMMER.
OH, SURE.
♪ DO-DO-DO-DO DO-DO DO-DO ♪
♪ CAN'T TOUCH THIS
DO-DO-DO-DO DO-DO DO-DO ♪
♪ CAN'T TOUCH THIS ♪
♪ DO-DO-DO-DO DO-DO DO-DO
CAN'T TOUCH THIS ♪
♪ MMM-MMM-MMM-MMM
MMM-MMM MMM... ♪
I TOUCHED IT.
NOW, LET'S GO OVER
THE SAFETY CHECKLIST, ALL RIGHT?
IF YOU LOOK AROUND,
YOU'LL SEE
THAT WE'RE IN
A VERY DANGEROUS ENVIRONMENT.
OKAY, YOU NOTICE
SOME OF THESE 2x4s
STILL HAVE NAILS
PROTRUDING FROM THEM.
SO YOU WANT TO BE CAREFUL.
ALWAYS BE CAREFUL.
NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO,
THINK SAFETY.
YOU GOT YOUR PROTECTIVE GOGGLES
IN CASE, YOU KNOW,
SOME DEBRIS FLIES OUT AND TRIES
TO HIT YOU IN THE EYE.
AND MOST OF ALL, JUNIOR,
YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL
BECAUSE WE GOT A LOT
OF EXPOSED WIRES AROUND HERE.
AND THEY'RE WHAT WE CALL
IN THE BUSINESS... HOT.
WELL, IF THEY'RE HOT, WHY DON'T
YOU JUST COOL THEM OFF?
BECAUSE... BOY, ARE YOU STILL
DOING THE HAMMER?
THAT'S NOT EVEN A GOOD HAMMER.
THIS IS THE WAY YOU DO HAMMER.
OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD!
WHAT HAPPENED?
MICHAEL!
OHH! OH!
MICHAEL, YOU'RE DANCING WHILE
YOUR SON IS BEING ELECTROCUTED?!
I THOUGHT
HE WAS DOING HAMMER!
I WANT YOU TO STOP
ALL THIS MADNESS AND CALL WOODY.
NO.
YOU CALL WOODY.
YOU BETTER CALL.
NO.
YOU KEEP PLAYING WITH ME.
YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX?
NO, NO, NO-Y, NO, NO.
WAIT, WAIT.
I-I DIDN'T MEAN THAT ONE.
SO WHAT'S THE PLAN?
I'M GLAD YOU ASKED.
I JUST WENT
TO THE LIBRARY,
AND I PICKED UP ALL THESE BOOKS
ON HOW TO DO IT YOURSELF.
GREAT!
LET'S GET STARTED.
DON'T YELL IN MY EAR
LIKE THAT.
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
ALL RIGHT,
HERE IT IS.
"HOW TO CONVERT YOUR GARAGE."
CHAPTER ONE, PAGE ONE.
PAGE ONE.
LET'S GET STARTED.
ALL RIGHT.
FIRST THING YOU DO
IS SELECT A GROMMET.
JUNIOR, GO GET THE
GROMMET. GOTCHA.
UM, DAD?
WHAT'S A GROMMET?
[ CHUCKLES ]
BOY, HOW OLD ARE YOU?
YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT A GROMMET IS?
NO. DO YOU, DADDY?
[ CHUCKLING, SNORTING ]
OF COURSE I KNOW
WHAT A GROMMET IS.
BUT, YOU KNOW,
I'M HERE TO TEACH YOU.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
THROUGH PROCESS
OF ELIMINATION,
WE'RE GONNA TEACH YOU
WHAT A GROMMET IS.
BECAUSE I KNOW
WHAT A GROMMET IS.
IT'S UP TO YOU TO FIGURE OUT
WHAT A GROMMET IS.
IS THAT A GROMMET?
NO.
THEN PUT THAT
IN THAT PILE RIGHT THERE.
THAT'S THE PILE
THAT'S NOT GROMMET.
ALL RIGHT.
IS... THIS A GROMMET?
NO, THAT'S
A SKATEBOARD.
OKAY, THEN WE PUT THIS
IN THE DEFINITELY NOT A GROMMET.
WE PUT THAT
IN THE SKATEBOARD PILE.
ALL RIGHT.
IS THIS A GROMMET?
IT LOOK GROMMETY.
MAYBE.
OKAY,
LET'S TEST IT OUT.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO TEST IT
TO SEE IF IT'S THE GROMMET.
AAH! AAH!
AAH! AAH!
DOES IT FEEL
LIKE A GROMMET?
NOOOOO!
OKAY, THEN IT'S NOT A GROMMET.
ALL RIGHT.
WE'LL PUT THAT
IN THE MAYBE PILE.
MAYBE GROMMET,
MAYBE NOT.
ALL RIGHT,
IS THIS A GROMMET?
NO. I KNOW.
LET ME TEST IT OUT.
NO.
ALL RIGHT.
[ WHIMPERS ]
OW! OW! AAH!
AAH! AAH! AAH! AAAH!
IS THAT A GROMMET?
NO.
YEAH, IT DIDN'T FEEL
LIKE A GROMMET.
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
SO WE'LL PUT THIS
IN THE MAYBE-A-GROMMET PILE.
[ SIGHS ]
HOW MANY THINGS DO WE HAVE
IN THE MAYBE-A-GROMMET PILE?
UH, 16,
INCLUDING A FORK.
WE NARROWED IT DOWN,
I THINK, TO ONE.
AND WHAT'S THAT?
THIS, SIR, I BELIEVE,
IS A GROMMET.
YOU WANT
TO TEST IT OUT?
NO, I DON'T WANT
TO TEST IT OUT.
IT SAYS GROMMET ON IT.
ALL RIGHT, WELL,
WE'RE ON OUR WAY.
SO NOW WE GO TO THE NEXT
SENTENCE IN CHAPTER ONE.
IT SAYS,
"INSERT THE GROMMET
INTO THE FLANGE."
FOUND IT.
I WROTE A LETTER FOR YOU
TO GIVE TO FRANKLIN.
YOU WANT TO HEAR IT?
NO, THAT'S OKAY.
I THINK YOU SHOULD HEAR IT.
"DEAR FRANKLIN, I'M A
PLAGIARIZING LITTLE WEASEL,
"AND I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU SEE IN ME.
LOVE, KADY."
I'M REALLY SORRY, CLAIRE.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO IT.
IT'S JUST THAT YOUR LETTER
WAS SO BEAUTIFUL,
AND IT WAS
EXACTLY HOW I FELT.
THAT'S REALLY SWEET,
KADY.
I'M FLATTERED THAT YOU THINK
I HAVE A BRAIN IN MY HEAD.
I MEAN,
MOST PEOPLE DON'T.
BUT AS FLATTERED
AS I AM,
STEALING SOMEONE ELSE'S IDEAS
IS WRONG.
BUT I DON'T HAVE
ANY IDEAS OF MY OWN.
OH, SURE YOU DO.
JUST WRITE FRANKLIN
AND TELL HIM
HOW YOU REALLY FEEL
FROM YOUR HEART.
BUT WHEN I WRITE THINGS DOWN,
I SOUND SO STUPID.
FRANKLIN WON'T THINK
IT'S STUPID.
ARE YOU SURE?
I'M SURE.
IN FACT, HE'LL PROBABLY GET
SO OVERWHELMED,
THAT HE'LL GET YOU ONE
OF THESE... A SILVER CHARM...
BRACE... LET. BRACE... LET.
FRANKLIN.
THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.
LOOK, WE'RE MAKING
A LOT OF PROGRESS.
BUT I'M HAVING TROUBLE
WITH THE WIRING.
WELL, YOU HAPPEN TO BE IN LUCK.
I'M A LICENSED CONTRACTOR.
OH, YEAH?
LET'S SEE IF HE'S LYING.
WHAT'S A GROMMET?
IT'S THE THING ATTACHED
TO THE FLANGE OVER THERE.
WHICH, INCIDENTALLY,
IS INSTALLED BACKWARDS.
WELL, UM... WELL...
WE WERE GOING FOR
A BACKWARDS KIND OF LOOK.
WE GONNA PUT THE FLOOR
ON THE CEILING.
YEAH, YEAH,
WE DOING THAT.
EVERYTHING [STAMMERS]
ART DECO.
LET'S... LET'S GET
TO WORK, THOUGH.
LET'S.
I'M GONNA CHECK THIS WIRING.
HMM?
FRANKLIN,
ARE YOU WEARING PINK PANTIES?
[ BREATHES RAPIDLY ]
YEAH... YES.
BUT... BUT I CAN EXPLAIN.
IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.
THEY WERE...
A GIFT. A GIFT.
I KNOW, BUT JAY SAID
THAT EVERYBODY WAS...
WEARING THEM.
WEARING THEM. WEARING THEM.
OKAY, WELL, SINCE
YOU GUYS GOT THE PANTIES,
I'M SURE YOU GOT THE MATCHING
PINK TRAINING BRAS.
MNH-MNH.
THAT'S NASTY.
THAT'S... UGH.
OKAY.
KADY.
KADY! KADY!!
OH! [ CHUCKLES ]
FRANKLIN. HI.
I CAME OVER
TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT THIS LETTER
THAT YOU REALLY WROTE ME.
YOU HATE IT,
DON'T YOU?
[ SIGHS ] LET ME UTTER
YOUR WORDS BEFORE I COMMENT.
"DEAR FRANKLIN...
"OHHHH.
LUV, KADY."
IT'S AWFUL.
CONTRAIRE.
IT'S BRILLIANT.
YOU EVEN SPELLED LOVE
L-U-V LIKE BARRY WHITE.
WHO?!
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
WHAT MATTERS IS THE SILENCE
IN THIS LETTER
IS SO MUCH MORE ELOQUENT
THAN ALL THE WORDS IN THE WORLD.
BY SAYING NOTHING,
YOU'VE SAID EVERYTHING.
ANYONE CAN WRITE
A HAIKU.
YOU HAVE INVENTED
THE "LOWKU."
YOU REALLY LIKE IT?
I "LOVED-ED-ED" IT.
WATCH HERE.
WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING.
[ THUMP ]
MICHAEL!
YEAH, RIGHT THERE.
PAYBACK.
COME ON IN.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
ON THE COUNT OF THREE,
EVERYBODY OPEN THEIR EYES.
ONE...
COME ON!
TWO...
THREE!
HEH HEH HEH HEH!
MICHAEL,
THIS PLACE IS AMAZING.
IT REALLY LOOKS
FABULOUS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THIS
ALL BY YOURSELF.
WELL, I ACTUALLY HAD
A LITTLE HELP FROM JUNIOR.
LET ME
TELL YOU SOMETHING.
THERE'S NOTHING LIKE
THE FEELING YOU GET
FROM DOING SOMETHING
WITH YOUR OWN HANDS.
I FEEL LIKE THAT
EVERY NIGHT.
AND IN THE MORNING.
AND IN THE SHOWER.
AND TWO MINUTES AGO.
ALL RIGHT, JUNIOR!
MICHAEL, LOOK.
BABY, I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.
I DOUBTED YOU AT FIRST,
AND I'M VERY SORRY ABOUT THAT.
BUT THIS IS
A PROFESSIONAL JOB.
YEAH, DAD.
THIS PLACE IS
ALMOST TOO NICE FOR US.
IT SURE IS.
IT IS?
WELL, IT'S WAY TOO NICE
FOR YOU.
I MEAN, IT WOULD BE
JUST PLAIN OLD WRONG
TO REWARD YOU
WITH ALL OF THIS.
YEAH, DAD.
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BABY?
OH, I DO THINK THE BABY NEEDS
A NEW ROOM.
IN FACT, YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M GONNA DO?
I'M GONNA LET YOU, VANESSA,
AND THAT BABY
HAVE YOUR
OLD ROOM BACK.
REALLY?
THAT'S RIGHT.
WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN
TO MICHAEL'S WORLD?
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ CHUCKLING INTENSIFIES ]
[ LAUGHING ]
MICHAEL!
YES, DEAR.
AND I SAY LET ME DO MY MAGIC.
I'VE GOT
THIS GUY'S RESPECT, JAY.
CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?
HONEY, NOT YET.
[ LAUGHS ]
IF YOU LOOK AROUND,
YOU'LL SEE
THAT WE'RE IN
A VERY DANGEROUS ENVIRONMENT.