My Wife and Kids (2001–2005): Season 5, Episode 17 - The Bahamas: Part 2 - full transcript

LAST TIME ON
"MY WIFE AND KIDS"...

I SIGNED US UP TO SPEND
THE DAY AT THE MAGIC ISLAND.

Jimmy: MICHAEL!

MIKE! MICHAEL!

JIMMY, WE DON'T WANT
TO BE WITH YOU!

WE WANT
TO BE ALONE!

HEY, FRANKLIN,
THIS GUY LOOKS LIKE YOU.

OH, MY GOODNESS!

I CAN'T BELIEVE
THAT PHONY IS HERE.

MOM, DAD, I WANT
TO GET A DIVORCE.

MMM.



THIS IS GOOD.
IT TASTES JUST LIKE CANDY.

I THINK THAT THERE'S ALCOHOL
IN THOSE, CLAIRE.

YOU BETTER TAKE IT EASY.

YOO-HOO! I'LL HAVE
ANOTHER ONE, PLEASE.

JUST BECAUSE
WE'RE STUCK ON AN ISLAND

WITH NO FOOD
AND NO SHELTER...

[CRYING]
AND NO HELP IN SIGHT...

OH, MY GOD.

GOD, WE'RE GONNA DIE!

AAH! AAH!

MICHAEL,
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO

IF THIS BOAT DOESN'T
COME BACK TO PICK US UP?

I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT HAPPENED ON LOST?



OH, WELL,
THE PLANE CRASHED

AND ALL THE PRETTY PEOPLE
LIVE EXCEPT FOR THE FAT GUY.

OK, WE PRETTY.
WE GOT THAT.

AND THEN THE INVISIBLE
MONSTER COMES,

KILLS THE PILOT,
LEAVES HIM UP IN A TREE,

THEY FIND
THE LITTLE BOY'S DOG.

AND THEN THE POLAR BEAR
COMES OUT FROM THE JUNGLE

AND THEY SHOOT IT.

WAIT, HOLD ON.
POLAR BEAR?

I THOUGHT IT WAS SUPPOSED
TO BE A TROPICAL ISLAND.

THE BEAR IS LOST,
TOO, MICHAEL.

YOU KNOW WHAT? FORGET IT.
I CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT.

THEY'RE NOT COMING BACK.
THIS IS A SCAM, JAY.

THEY GET YOU TO PAY
FOR A ROUND-TRIP TICKET,

THEN THEY BRING YOU HERE AND
THEY LEAVE YOU HERE TO DIE,

AND THEY DON'T COME BACK
SO THEY CAN SAVE MONEY ON GAS.

YOU ARE NOT HELPING RIGHT
NOW. YOU'RE REALLY NOT.

OK, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.

THANK YOU.

ALL WE GOT TO DO IS MAKE IT
THROUGH THE NIGHT.

IF WE CAN MAKE IT THROUGH
THE NIGHT, WE'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

HOW THE HELL WE GONNA
MAKE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT?!

I DON'T KNOW!
BUT THAT'S WHAT WE GOT TO DO.

WE HAVE NO SHELTER.
WE HAVE NO FOOD.

WE ARE ALL ALONE HERE,
MICHAEL.

I KNOW. THAT'S WHY
WE'RE ARGUING.

SHUT UP, SHUT UP,
SHUT UP, SHUT UP!

I'M SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW,
I CAN SMELL FOOD.

ME, TOO.

HEY, LOOK.

IS THAT WHO I THINK IT IS?

IT COULDN'T BE.

IT LOOKS LIKE...
DON'T IT LOOK LIKE?

I THINK... JIMMY!

WHOO-HOO!
JIMMY! JIMBO!

AAH! HA HA!

MAN, IT'S GOOD TO...

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.

WH-WHAT?

I DON'T BELIEVE
I KNOW YOU PEOPLE.

OH, COME ON!

IT'S US... JAY AND MICHAEL.

REMEMBER?

MICHAEL, JAY. REMEMBER?

UH, IT DOES NOT RING
A BELL, SORRY.

OH, I USED TO KNOW
A MICHAEL AND JAY,

BUT THEY REJECTED ME
SO BADLY

THAT I BLOCKED THEM
OUT OF MY MEMORY.

OH, YEAH... THEY'RE
THE IMPETUS FOR MY EXILE.

THAT'S WHY I CAME
TO THIS DESERTED ISLAND.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, I'M GONNA
SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE

DOING PRATFALLS
FOR YOU PEOPLE?

WHAT AM I, YOUR CLOWN?

COME ON, JIMMY, WE'RE
REALLY SORRY ABOUT...

YOU MIGHT WANT
TO PUMP THE BRAKES

ON THAT
OLD "COME ON" STUFF.

IT'S A LITTLE LATE
IN THE GAME THERE.

YOU CAN'T UNRING A BELL.

THAT DAMAGE
HAS ALREADY BEEN DONE.

THAT BOAT HAS SAILED
OUT THE HARBOR.

I DON'T NEED
ANYONE ELSE.

I GOT MY FRIENDS NOW,
WILSON AND SPALDING.

ALL A MAN REALLY NEEDS
ARE HIS BALLS.

HEY, THESE
SHRIMPS SMELL...

HEY, WHOA, WHOA!
WHAT YOU DOIN'? WHAT YOU DOIN'?

I'M JUST GETTIN' SOME...

OH, NO, MY BROTHER.

YOU WANT SOME SHRIMP,
YOU GOT TO GET YOUR OWN, OK?

OK, WAIT A MINUTE.

WHERE'D YOU GET YOURS
FROM, THEN, JIMMY?

OH, THEY'RE OUT THERE.
IN THE OCEAN?!

YEP, THEY WERE KICKIN' IT
RIGHT UNDERNEATH THE SHARKS.

JIMMY, COME ON.
DON'T DO...

OH, THEY'RE GOOD.

I'LL KISS YOU ON YOUR MOUTH
AND I'LL TAKE ONE!

JIMMY...

NOW I'M GONNA DRAW A LINE
IN THE SAND, OK?

EVERYTHING ON YOUR SIDE
IS NO JIMMY.

EVERYTHING ON MY SIDE
IS ALL JIMMY ALL THE TIME.

NO JIMMY!

JIMMY, JIMMY, JIMMY,
JIMMY, JIMMY, JIMMY.

YOU GOT THAT?!

WHOA, RED LIGHT.

HA, WHAT'S THAT THERE?
IS THAT A JIMMY FOOT?

WELL, LET'S CHECK
WITH THE JUDGES.

LEFT FOOT, RIGHT FOOT,
WRONG FOOT.

SO THAT MUST BE
SHARK BAIT!

OW! HEY, HEY!
HEY, MAN, WHAT YOU...

HEY, HEY, HEY! HEY,
HEY! WHOA, WHOA!

GET YOUR HUSBAND.
GET WITH YOUR MAN.

JIMMY!

LOOK, JIMMY,
WE DON'T KNOW ANYTHING

ABOUT SURVIVING
ON A DESERTED ISLAND.

YOU KNOW, YOU PEOPLE
WERE SO ANXIOUS

TO KICK JIMMY
TO THE CURB.

YOU NEVER TOOK THE TIME
TO ASK YOURSELF,

"HEY, I WONDER WHAT
JIMMY DOES FOR A LIVING."

WHY DIDN'T YOU
ASK HIM THAT?

BECAUSE
HE'S YOUR FRIEND.

YOU SHOULD'VE ASKED HIM.

GO AHEAD.
ASK ME NOW.

GO ON, ASK ME!

Together: OK, JIMMY,
WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

I'M A SURVIVALIST!

I TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO SURVIVE
ON DESERTED ISLANDS.

THAT'S WHAT I DO
FOR A LIVING.

YOU SHOULD KNOW HE TEACHES
PEOPLE HOW TO... YOU SHOULD...

BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE
JIMMY GALILEE,

YOU HAVE TO BE
A SURVIVALIST,

'CAUSE I'M ALWAYS ALONE,

REJECTED, A LOSER,
A PARIAH!

BUT NOW I CAN FINALLY TAKE
THOSE LIFE SKILLS

AND PUT THEM TO WORK.

HELL, I CAN BUILD
A CAPPUCCINO MACHINE

OUT OF A PIECE OF DRIFTWOOD
AND A PALM FROND.

WELL, WHERE
WOULD YOU GET BEANS?

I HARVEST THEM
BEHIND MY HOUSE.

HE GOT A HOUSE HERE?

I HAD 3 HOURS TO KILL
AND I NEEDED SOMEPLACE

TO STAY WHILE
I WAS BUILDING MY RAFT.

YOU BUILT A RAFT?
A RAFT?!

YEAH, I BUILT A RAFT.

IN 3 HOURS, THIS WHOLE
ISLAND'S GONNA BE UNDERWATER.

YEP.
UNDERWATER?

MICHAEL, THAT'S WHY THIS
ISLAND APPEARS EVERY MORNING...

BECAUSE IT DISAPPEARS
EVERY NIGHT.

OH, MY GOD.
JIMMY...

OH, NO.
OH, NO.

HEY, WATCH IT. WATCH IT.
WATCH IT. WATCH IT.

BUON GIORNO, SIGNORINA.

ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?

SI.
YOU ARE BELLISSIMA.

KNOCK IT OFF, FRANKLIN.

THAT'S THE WORST ITALIAN ACCENT
I'VE EVER HEARD.

I THINK-A YOU'VE GOT-A ME
CONFUSED WITH SOMEONE ELSE-A.

MY NAME IS NOT-A FRANKLIN.

MY NAME IS
FRANCESCO MUMFORDI.

OHH, YOU'RE THE DOPPELGANGER.

NO CAPISCI!

BUT...
IT DOES NOT MATTER.

YOU ARE DELIGHTFUL.

YOU ARE EXACTLY THE KIND
OF LITTLE PEPPER POT

THAT MAKES-A
MY BLOOD BOIL!

PLEASE, ACCEPT A TICKET
TO MY SEMINAR.

OK.

DO YOU MIND
IF I BRING A FRIEND?

IS SHE AS BEAUTIFUL
AS YOU?

IT'S NOT A SHE.
IT'S A HE.

AND HIS NAME IS
FRANKLIN MUMFORD.

[ GASPS ] THE IMPOSTER?!
VERY WELL.

BRING HIM, AND I'LL
EXPOSE HIM ONCE AND FOR ALL

FOR THE FRAUD HE IS.

HE SAYS YOU'RE THE FRAUD
AND THAT YOU STOLE HIS IDEAS.

THE ONLY THING
I WANT TO STEAL FROM HIM

IS YOU.

OH, MAMA MIA!

YOU FEISTY
LITTLE WILDCAT.

RAWR!
DO MY OTHER CHEEK.

COME BACK,
YOU SPICY LITTLE MEATBALL.

WHAT'S THIS STUFF
CALLED?

CONCH.

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S LIKE AN EDIBLE
MARINE MOLLUSK.

LIKE WHAT?

LIKE A CLAM
OR AN OYSTER OR A MUSSEL.

ME, TOO.
I LOVE MUSSELS.

OK.
THEN YOU'LL LOVE CONCH.

TAKE A BITE.

MMM! MM!

THIS IS DELICIOUS.
MMM!

YOU KNOW, DAVE, IF YOU
WOULD HAVE TOLD ME YESTERDAY

THAT I'D BE EATING CONCH
TODAY, I'D HAVE SAID NO WAY.

NOT JUNIOR.
JUNIOR DON'T EAT CONCH.

WELL, HEY, MY MOTTO IS:
DON'T KNOCK IT TILL YOU TRIED IT.

YEAH. MMM.

DO YOU HAVE SUN BLOCK
ON YOUR HEAD?

NO.

OH, LORD. LET ME
HELP YOU OUT HERE.

THE SUN HERE
IS EXTREMELY INTENSE.

YOU CAN GET BURNED
EVEN ON A CLOUDY DAY.

WOW.

YOU SHOULD HAVE A HAT OR
HAVE SOME OF THIS ON EVERY DAY.

WOW, YOU GOT A BIG HEAD.

YEAH, I KNOW. IT'S HARD
TO FIND HATS THAT FIT ME.

THERE YOU GO.

THANKS.

NOW YOU'RE PROTECTED.

YOU'RE A GREAT GUY.

THANKS.

SURE.
MORE CONCH?

MMM! YES.

YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE
STUFF I'VE BEEN MISSING

SINCE I GOT MARRIED... JUST
HANGING OUT WITH THE BUDDIES.

SURE, I KNOW.

MM-HMM.
PLAYING BALL.

MM-HMM.
WRESTLING.

MM-HMM.
HORSING AROUND.

GUY STUFF!
GETTIN' SWEATY.

YES! YES!
YEAH.

YEAH.
HEY, DAVE.

[LAUGHS]
CONCH ME.

[MAKES AIRPLANE SOUND]

AHH. AHH.

HERE COMES THE CONCH.

OPEN UP THE HANGAR.

MMM!

[MUSIC PLAYS]

AAH! CLAIRE LOVES HER
SOME LIMBO!

CLAIRE, YOU GOT
TO GET DOWN FROM THERE.

COME ON, GET DOWN.

OH, LIGHTEN UP,
TONY!

GET UP HERE
AND LIMBO WITH ME!

HA! EVERYBODY,
LET'S LIMBO!

COME ON, CLAIRE.

WHOO-HOO.
WATCH OUT!

OH! [ LAUGHS ]

HEY, STOP LOOKING!

YEAH, YOU WITH THE NICE BUTT,
STOP LOOKING.

SHUT UP, TONY.

CLAIRE, THEY CAN SEE
YOUR STUFF.

GITCHIE GITCHIE GOO.

CLAIRE, YOUR FOOT.

CLAIRE, GET YOUR FOOT
OUT OF MY FACE, PLEASE.

MORE BAHAMA MAMAS
FOR A BAD MAMMA JAMMA.

WHOO!
COME ON, GUYS!

WHOO!

COME ON, BABY.

AT LEAST YOU DRIED OFF.

I KNOW.

BUT I GOT ALL THIS SAND
IN EVERY CRACK AND CREVICE.

I FEEL LIKE AN HOURGLASS.

IF YOU TURN ME UPSIDE DOWN AND
LOOK IN MY BEHIND, YOU CAN TELL THE TIME.

LOOK, BABY,
THE TIDE'S GETTING HIGHER.

I KNOW.

YOU KNOW, MICHAEL,
I THINK THIS IS A GOOD TIME

TO BEG JIMMY'S FORGIVENESS.

HE'S NOT GONNA
FORGIVE US, JAY.

THE MAN CAN'T STAND US.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU
TELL PEOPLE YOU HATE THEM...

THEY HATE YOU BACK.

WELL, YOU KNOW, MICHAEL,

I KNOW YOU KNOW HIM
BETTER THAN I DO,

BUT HE SEEMS LIKE
A PRETTY REASONABLE GUY.

I DON'T KNOW, BUT...

I DOUBT IF HE'S JUST GONNA
LEAVE US HERE TO DIE.

Jimmy: SEE YOU LATER!

HEY, I'LL MEET YOU GUYS
IN HEAVEN.

TELL TUPAC
I LOVE HIS NEW ALBUM.

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S IT.
THAT'S IT. I'LL TAKE IT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M GONNA SPEAR HIM
RIGHT BACK

AND PULL HIM BACK TO SHORE.

NO, MICHAEL.

YOU KNOW, IF I'M GOING,
I'M TAKING HIM WITH ME.

YOU'RE RIGHT.
GET HIM.

[ CHANTING AND GRUNTING ]

COME ON, BABY.
GET HIM.

GET HIM!

YOU MISSED ME.

I THINK YOU CAUGHT
SOMETHING.

SOMETHING BIG.

UH-OH. OH.

NO! MICHAEL!

[BELLS TINKLING]

♪ IT'S A BEAUTIFUL MORNIN' ♪

♪ AHHH ♪

♪ I THINK I'LL GO OUTSIDE
FOR A WHILE ♪

♪ AND JUST SMILE ♪

♪ JUST TAKE IN SOME CLEAN,
FRESH AIR, BOY! ♪

♪ AIN'T NO SENSE
IN STAYING INSIDE ♪

♪ IF THE WEATHER'S FINE
AND YOU GOT THE TIME ♪

♪ IT'S YOUR CHANCE
TO WAKE UP AND PLAN ♪

♪ ANOTHER BRAND-NEW DAY ♪

♪ EITHER WAY,
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL MORNIN' ♪

♪ AHHH ♪

♪ EACH BIRD KEEPS SINGIN'
HIS OWN SONG ♪

♪ SO LONG ♪

♪ I'VE GOT TO BE
ON MY WAY NOW ♪

♪ AIN'T NO FUN
JUST HANGIN' AROUND ♪

♪ I'VE GOT TO COVER GROUND,
YOU COULDN'T KEEP ME DOWN ♪

♪ IT JUST AIN'T NO GOOD
IF THE SUN SHINES ♪

♪ WHEN YOU'RE STILL INSIDE ♪

♪ SHOULDN'T HIDE ♪

♪ STILL INSIDE ♪

♪ SHOULDN'T HIDE ♪

♪ STILL INSIDE,
SHOULDN'T HIDE ♪

♪ OH OH OH OH ♪

♪ OOOHH ♪

♪ AHH-AHH ♪

♪ OOOHH ♪

♪ AHH-AHH ♪

LONG DAY.

WELL, DID YOU ENJOY YOUR
TIME AWAY FROM RESPONSIBILITY?

I SURE DID.
THIS IS MY NEW BUDDY DAVE.

DAVE, THIS IS VANESSA, AND
IN THE BASSINET IS JUNIOR JR.

WHAT YOU BEEN UP TO?
HEY.

I'VE BEEN SITTING
BY MYSELF

WATCHING THESE GORGEOUS GUYS
PLAY WATER POLO.

OH, HEY, FELLAS.

YOU KNOW THEM?

YEAH, I'M PART
OF THE GROUP.

WHAT'S THE GROUP?

IT'S A WATER POLO TROUPE,
FROM SAN FRANCISCO...

WE'RE CALLED "OUT OF THE CLOSET
AND INTO THE POOL." GET IT?

OUT OF THE CLOSET AND INTO
THE POOL FROM SAN FRANCISCO?

OH, WAIT A MINUTE.

BUFF GUY, LITTLE TRUNKS,
WATER POLO.

YOU'RE A SWIMMER.

NO, JUNIOR. HE'S GAY.

YOU'RE GAY?!

YEAH.
DOES THAT BOTHER YOU?

NO, NO. YOU KNOW,
NOT AT ALL. NOT AT ALL.

I'M FINE WITH THAT.

HEY, WE DID HAVE
A GOOD TIME, RIGHT?

WE HAD A GREAT TIME,
YEAH.

I INTRODUCED YOUR HUSBAND
HERE TO CONCH.

OH, YOU DID?

YEAH,
CONCH IS DELICIOUS.

I GOT TO HIT THE POOL.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, JUNIOR,
YOU WANT TO PLAY FOR MY TEAM?

NAH, DAVE,
I'M ALL CONKED OUT.

HA HA HA!
SO I'M GONNA GO AHEAD

AND STAY WITH THE WIFE
AND THE KID AND...

YOU GO HIT THE POOL.

ALL RIGHT.
OK.

OH, OK.
SEE YOU.

DON'T EVER LET ME GO OUT
BY MYSELF AGAIN.

I WAS SELFISH,
AND I'M SORRY.

THAT'S SWEET, JUNIOR,
BUT THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE IT DOESN'T
CHANGE THE FACT

THAT YOU DON'T THINK
ABOUT ME AND THE BABY FIRST.

YOU HAVE TO GET
YOUR PRIORITIES IN ORDER.

I'M TRYING, VANESSA,
BUT THIS IS ALL NEW TO ME.

IT'S NEW TO ME, TOO.
BUT I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

OK, WHY DON'T WE BOTH AGREE
TO TRY HARDER?

IS THAT GOOD ENOUGH?

NO, IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

BUT IT'LL DO FOR NOW.

COME HERE, CHICHI.
COME HERE.

HEY, I GOT AN IDEA.

HOW ABOUT YOU LEAVE JUNIOR JR.
HERE WITH ME

WHILE YOU GO TO THE SPA,
MAKE YOURSELF ALL BEAUTIFUL,

AND TONIGHT
MY PARENTS WILL WATCH HIM

AND WE'LL HAVE
A ROMANTIC EVENING.

THAT SOUNDS GREAT.

BESIDES, I HAVEN'T SPENT
MUCH TIME WITH HIM ON THIS TRIP.

WHO KNOWS WHAT I'VE MISSED?

WELL, YOU DID MISS
A PRETTY IMPRESSIVE LOAD

ABOUT A HALF AN HOUR AGO.

HE'S EMPTY?
TOTALLY.

PERFECT TIMING.
GO ENJOY YOURSELF.

OH, AND DO ME A FAVOR...

STAY OUT OF THE POOL.

[ CHUCKLES ]

AHH...

HEY THERE, MAN.
DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

DADA.

WHAT'D YOU SAY?

DADA!

HEY, DAVE.

YOO-HOO!

DAVE, HE SAID "DADA."

MICHAEL, THE WATER'S
GETTING CLOSER.

I SEE.
THIS LOOKS LIKE IT'S IT.

YOU HAVE ANY REGRETS?

YEAH.

IF I HAD MY LIFE
TO LIVE OVER AGAIN,

I WOULDN'T HAVE WORKED
SO HARD.

I'D SELL THE BUSINESS

AND SPEND ALL MY TIME
WITH YOU AND THE KIDS.

YOU KNOW WHAT, BABY?

I WANT TO JUST...

BE HONEST WITH EACH OTHER.

YOU KNOW?

THIS IS THE LAST MOMENTS
OF OUR LIFE.

IF THERE'S, LIKE,
ANYTHING...

YOU HAVEN'T TOLD ME
THAT YOU WANT TO TELL ME

OR I WANT TO TELL YOU,
JUST GET IT OFF OUR CHESTS.

WE SHOULD GO OUT
WITH A CLEAN SLATE.

[SIGHS] OK.

UM...

OK.

I DIDN'T LIKE
THE GREEN JACKET

YOU BOUGHT ME
FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY.

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?

I BOUGHT THAT BECAUSE
IT MATCHES YOUR EYES.

DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY
BE HONEST?

I KNOW, BUT IT HAD LITTLE
FLECKS OF GREEN. IT MAKES YOUR...

MICHAEL, THAT WAS
PUKE GREEN.

THAT WASN'T GREEN. THAT WAS
PUKE GREEN. IT WAS BLECCHH!

IT WAS PUKE GREEN,
MICHAEL.

OK, I CAN RECEIVE THAT.
I'M SORRY.

ALL RIGHT, HERE.

YOU FART IN YOUR SLEEP.

NOT LOUD ONES.
THEY JUST GO LIKE THIS. LOOK.

EVERYBODY DOES THAT.
SO WHAT, MICHAEL?

AND YOU WONDER WHY
I DON'T LIKE TO CUDDLE.

OK, YOU KNOW WHAT? I GOT
ONE MORE FOR YOU, BROTHER.

WHAT?

YOU KNOW ALL THOSE TIMES
WHEN I WAS SCREAMIN',

WHEN WE'RE MAKING
PASSIONATE LOVE?

RIGHT.

IT'S BECAUSE YOUR
CLUBFOOT KEEPS TOUCHING ME.

IT'S TOUCHING ME, MICHAEL.

AAH! I DON'T LIKE IT.

I NEVER LIKED IT.
I'VE NEVER LIKED IT.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?
I'D HAVE PUT A SOCK ON.

IT CREEPS ME OUT.
IT CREEPS ME OUT!

I WOULD HAVE PUT
A SOCK ON IT.

WHAT SOCK? I CAN FEEL IT
THROUGH THE SOCK.

IT JUST CREEPS ME OUT.

IT CREEPS ME OUT,
MICHAEL.

OK, YOU KNOW WHAT?

ACCEPT AND RECEIVE THAT.

AAH!

YOU SMELL FUNNY.

WHAT IN THE WORLD
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

LIKE BOLOGNA SOMETIMES.

WHAT?!

UNCOOKED BOLOGNA.

YOU KNOW HOW YOU
GO TO PUT IT IN THE PAN...

BUT YOU DON'T?
IT JUST BE OVER THE HEAT?

THAT'S YOU.
HA HA HA HA!

I'M KIDDING, BABY.
I LOVE YOU.

YEAH, YOU BETTER
BE KIDDING.

DON'T TOUCH ME
RIGHT NOW.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

[ BOAT MOTOR HUMS ]

AHOY!

DID SOMEBODY CALL
FOR A RESCUE BOAT?

OH, THANK GOD!

JIMMY!
JIMMY!

MAN, I'VE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY
TO SEE ANYONE IN MY LIFE!

Jay: THANK GOD! JIMMY!
LET ME GET MY SHOES.

WELL, THINGS HAVE
CERTAINLY CHANGED

SINCE THIS MORNING,
HAVEN'T THEY?

THAT'S A DIFFERENT TUNE

YOU'RE SINGING NOW THERE,
BUSTER BROWN.

THAT'S A HORSE
OF A DIFFERENT COLOR.

THE SHOE'S
ON THE OTHER FOOT.

THE WORM HAS TURNED.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. I SAID I WAS
SORRY, AND I REALLY AM SORRY.

WHAT MADE YOU
CHANGE YOUR MIND, JIMMY?

I GOT BACK TO THE MAINLAND
AND I CALLED MY SHRINK.

I TOLD HIM I LEFT YOU GUYS
OUT HERE TO DIE, AND GET THIS...

HE SAID IT WAS WRONG,
RIGHT?

NO. HE SAID YOU DESERVED IT.

HE DID?

I DON'T PAY HIM $200 AN HOUR

TO TELL ME STUFF
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR.

NOW, THAT WOULD
REALLY BE CRAZY.

SO THEN WHY'D
YOU COME BACK?

YOUR WIFE.

OH, SO HE SAID IT WAS WRONG
TO KILL JAY?

NO, HE SAID IT WAS WRONG TO
LEAVE HER ON A DESERTED ISLAND

WITH A MISERABLE FOOL
LIKE YOU.

OH, THAT IS SO TRUE, JIMMY.
THANK YOU FOR COMING BACK.

OK, WELL,
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

WELL, LOOK, JAY,
LET'S GET IN THE BOAT.

MIKE, I THINK YOU LEFT YOUR
CELL PHONE BACK THERE, BUDDY.

YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'LL GET MY CELL PHONE.

ALL RIGHT,
I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

SAVE A SEAT FOR MIKEY.
HA HA!

HERE IT GOES.

HA HA.

WHOOP. GOT IT.

HEY, WHERE YOU GOING?

GUYS!

MICHAEL, TIE THIS ROPE
AROUND YOUR WAIST FOR SAFETY!

WELL, WHY CAN'T I JUST GET
IN THE BOAT WITH YOU GUYS?

I WANT TO BE IN THE BOAT
WITH YOU GUYS.

THERE YOU GO... SAFELY.

KNOT IT.

GRANNY KNOT.

YOU WANT THE GRANNY KNOT?

VERY GOOD.

NOW I'M GONNA PULL YOU
OUT TO THE BOAT.

OK.

WE'LL BE BACK IN ATLANTIS,
PARADISE ISLAND, IN 20 MINUTES.

HOLD ON.

I'D RATHER REALLY
BE IN THE BOAT,

BECAUSE THIS FEELS
KIND OF AWK... WHOA!

MICHAEL!

MICHAEL!

MICHAEL!

SO CLEARLY,
CONSCIOUSNESS IS A VIRUS.

I WILL NOW EXPLAIN HOW MANKIND
HAS BEEN INFECTED WITH IT.

THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS.

HE'S JUST MIMICKING MY WORK
IN MORE POPULAR IDIOM.

HUH?

HE'S DUMBING IT DOWN.

HE'S KENNY G,
AND I'M COLTRANE.

LET ME PUT THIS IN TERMS
YOU MIGHT UNDERSTAND.

HE'S BRITNEY SPEARS,
AND I'M MADONNA.

OH, YOU MEAN
HE'S RIPPING YOU OFF.

THAT'S ALL YOU
HAD TO SAY. GOSH.

A SHRIMP WITH A HAMMER

PASSED CONSCIOUSNESS
TO A MAN THROUGH SOUP.

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
SOUP?

WOULDN'T MAKING SOUP
BE A SIGN OF CONSCIOUSNESS?

NOT TO MENTION A HAMMER,
YOU IDIOT.

AH, MUMFORD.

MUMFORDI.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION,

IT WAS AN INADVERTENT SOUP,
YOU NITWIT.

AND THE SHRIMP'S "HAMMER"
WAS THE PRODUCT OF EVOLUTION.

HA! HOW DERIVATIVE.

THAT'S BASED ON
MY WRENCH-LOBSTER THEORY,

WHICH I CAME UP WITH
IN 1999.

I LAUGH ON YOUR LAPEL.
HA!

BUT YOU DO AGREE

THAT CONSCIOUSNESS
IS A VIRUS, DON'T YOU?

AGREE?
IT WAS MY ORIGINAL THEORY.

PROVE IT.

I WILL, SIR.
IN COURT.

OH, AND BY THE WAY,
YOU'RE UGLY.

IF I AM UGLY,
THEN WHAT ARE YOU?

WE LOOK EXACTLY ALIKE.

WELL, YOU WON'T LOOK
ANYTHING LIKE ME

WHEN I'M DONE WITH YOU,

'CAUSE I'M GONNA
REARRANGE YOUR FACE.

HA. I'D LIKE-A
TO SEE YOU TRY.

COME ON.
LET'S DANCE, PIZZA FACE.

BRING IT ON, HAMBURGER BOY.

WHAA.

SO, CLAIRE, WOULD YOU LIKE
ANOTHER BAHAMA MAMA?

OH, I'LL NEVER
DRINK AGAIN. OHH.

YOU DID GOOD, FRANKLIN.
YOU TAUGHT HIM A LESSON.

THANKS. THE OLD FRONTAL
WEDGIE ALWAYS WORKS.

HEY, CLAIRE, IF YOU'RE
DONE WITH THAT ICE PACK,

CAN I HAVE IT? THANKS.

DADA. DADA.

OK, I GET IT.
DADA. DADA.

I SPENT
ALL THAT TIME WITH HIM

AND THE FIRST WORD
HE SAYS IS "DADA."

SORRY.

I KNOW WHY...

IT'S 'CAUSE HE KEPT HEARING ME
COMPLAIN ABOUT DADA.

"DADA'S ON THE WATERSLIDE.
DADA'S BUSY.

DADA'S WITH
HIS NEW GAY FRIEND."

[CRYING]

BABY, ALL OF THE DRAMA'S
BEHIND US.

I HAVEN'T SEEN JIMMY
ALL DAY.

MAYBE WE CAN
FINALLY RELAX.

[ LAUGHS ]