My Wife and Kids (2001–2005): Season 5, Episode 16 - The Bahamas: Part 1 - full transcript

[ SIGHS ]

OH.

MMMMM.

BEAUTIFUL.

IT IS BEAUTIFUL,
ISN'T IT?

YES,
ATLANTIS, PARADISE ISLAND,

IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL HOTEL
IN THE WORLD.

BUT WHAT'S MORE BEAUTIFUL
THAN THAT

IS SITTING HERE, HAVING
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO.

I WANT TO GO
ON THE WATER SLIDE!

BYE.



I WANT TO LEARN
TO WINDSURF.

SEE YA.

I WANT TO LEARN
TO SCUBA DIVE.

GO OUT AND DROWN...
DON'T COME BACK.

WHAT ABOUT ME
AND THE BABY?

YOU GUYS CAN LEARN
TO SCUBA DIVE, TOO.

I'M SURE THEY HAVE
BABY SCUBA GEAR.

THE BABY CAN'T GO
SCUBA DIVING.

HE PRETTY MUCH SPENT HIS ENTIRE
LIFE IN WATER... UNTIL IT BROKE.

HA HA!

BROKE! HA HA!

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU GUYS DO.
JUST DON'T INVOLVE ME, OKAY?

OKAY, BYE.



MICHAEL, THAT IS
A REAL FUNKY ATTITUDE.

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE
A FAMILY VACATION, YOU KNOW.

OH, NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO, NO!

THIS IS NOT A FAMILY VACATION.
THIS IS A MICHAEL VACATION.

I JUST BROUGHT
YOU GUYS ALONG

SO YOU WOULDN'T BURN DOWN
THE HOUSE WHILE I WAS OUT HERE.

OH! THAT'S WHY
YOU BROUGHT ME ALONG?

I WAS TALKING
ABOUT THE KIDS.

YOU, I BROUGHT ALONG FOR
THE EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES.

[ LAUGHS ]

WELL, THERE WON'T BE
ANY EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES

IF YOU DON'T
CHANGE THAT ATTITUDE.

YOU SOUND REAL SELFISH.

I'M NOT BEING SELFISH.
I PAID FOR THE TRIP.

AND I HAVEN'T HAD TIME OFF
IN TWO YEARS.

TIME OFF? WHAT ABOUT HAWAII?
WHAT ABOUT VEGAS?

EXACTLY.

THOSE WERE SUPPOSED
TO BE MICHAEL TIMES,

AND THEN YOU GUYS
CAME ALONG

AND TURNED IT INTO
THE "FAMILY" VACATION.

ALL I WANT TO DO
IS SIT HERE BY THE POOL,

RELAX, AND READ
THIS STACK OF BOOKS.

OKAY, WELL,
YOU JUST DO THAT.

YOU BE AS ANTISOCIAL
AS YOU WANT TO BE,

WHILE THE REST OF US...
WE'RE GONNA HAVE A VACATION.

I HOPE ONE OF THESE BOOKS HERE
IS ABOUT SEX.

'CAUSE THAT'S ALL YOU'RE GONNA
BE DOING... READING ABOUT IT.

I GOT IT RIGHT HERE...
"TANTALIZING TITILLATIONS."

[ SCOFFS ]

I JUST FINISHED THIS BOOK.
IT'S GREAT.

LEROY'S THE MURDERER.
[ CHUCKLES ]

JIMMY GALILEE,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I WAS ABOUT TO ASK THE SAME
THING ABOUT YOU, MIKE.

I DIDN'T THINK I'D RUN INTO
ANYBODY FROM THE GOLF CLUB.

YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD,
BABY.

SO, WHAT YOU UP TO?

I WAS JUST SITTING HERE
TRYING TO READ SOME BOOKS,

BUT AFTER YOUR REVIEW, I GUESS
I DON'T HAVE TO READ ANY MORE.

WELL, GREAT, MAN.

THAT MEANS YOU GOT
MORE TIME TO PAR-TAY!

AND YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE KING
OF THE PARTY, MR. JIMMY MAC MAN.

MAN, THEY GOT SOME WOMEN
UP IN HERE.

THEY'RE HOTTER
THAN MEXICAN PEPPERS,

AND THEY'RE LOOSER
THAN A OLD MAN'S TEETH.

I THOUGHT YOU WAS MARRIED.

I AIN'T GOT NO BLING
AND NO WEDDING RING.

[ CHUCKLES ]
I JUST CAME DOWN HERE, MAN...

I'M SITTING...
HEY, HEY, HEY!

GET YOUR BIG ASS
OFF OF MY FEET!

SORRY ABOUT YOUR CORNS.

MY EX-WIFE, SHE'S TRYING TO
SERVE ME WITH THIS OLD SUBPOENA.

SO I FIGURED I'D COME DOWN HERE
AND COOL OUT FOR A FEW MONTHS.

I DIDN'T HAVE NOBODY TO PLAY
WITH TILL I RAN INTO YOU.

BUT NOW IT'S ON
AND POPULATIN'!

I'M GONNA BE LIKE THE TOP GUN.
YOU CAN BE MY WINGMAN.

WE CAN PARTY
LIKE IT'S 1999...

AGAIN.

WHY DO YOU THINK THEY CALL THIS
THE "ATLANTIS, PARADISE ISLAND"?

THEY GOT THIS THING OVER HERE,
YOU CAN FROLIC WITH THE SHARKS.

I'M GONNA PASS.
WHAT?!

FIRST OF ALL,
I DON'T FROLIC WITH SHARKS.

AND SECONDLY, I CAME HERE
TO RELAX AND DO NOTHING.

ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE SURE
YOU DON'T WANT TO COME?

I'M POSITIVE.

YOU ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN?

YES, SIR.

CERTAINEMENT?

[ Chuckling ]
CERTAINLY, SIR.

ABSOTUTAMENTE?
ABSOTUTAMENTE.

I'M HEADING OUT NOW.

ALL RIGHT.
IT'S THAT WAY.

I'M ABOUT TO GO
INTO HYPERSPACE.

1, 2, 3, BLAST-OFF.
HERE WE GO.

COME ON, MAN.
LET'S GO, MAN.

LOOK, I TOLD YOU.
NOW BEAT IT!

SORRY, MAN. I DIDN'T MEAN TO
INTERRUPT YOUR LITTLE "HOLIDAY."

JUST RESPECT THE SPACE.

I'M RESPECTING
ALL YOUR SPACE.

LEAVE YOU TO YOURSELF.

PLEASE DO.

LOOK HERE...
AFTER YOUR LITTLE NAP,

MAYBE WE CAN GRAB SOME DINNER
AND HEAD TO THE CLUB.

I THINK ANDY WILLIAMS
IS PLAYING UP IN HERE.

♪ MOON RIVER ♪

SING IT WITH ME, MIKE.

OW!

I'D LOVE TO STAND HERE AND TALK
TO YOU ABOUT ANDY WILLIAMS,

BUT I THINK YOU HAVE
AN APPOINTMENT WITH THE SHARKS.

REMEMBER...
THE FROLICKING?

THANKS FOR
REMINDING ME.

OH, OH, HEY, HEY.
WHAT'S YOUR ROOM NUMBER?

WELL, I'M... I'M IN,
UH...

UH, WELL... AND COME AROUND
THE CORNER, AND YOU, UH...

AND THEN, UM, BOOM BOOM,
AND NEXT TO...

74, 42, 55, 5, 5, 1, 7, 15,
"A," "B," 4, 2, 3, 1, 6, 7...

"D."

HEY, YOU'RE RIGHT NEXT DOOR.
HEY, NEIGHBOR! [ LAUGHS ]

GOOD STUFF, MIKE. I CAN'T WAIT!
IT'S GONNA BE FANTASTIC!

Kady: WOW!
ISN'T THIS PLACE FANTASTIC?

YEAH, IT'S A FANTASY
COME TRUE...

REFLECTING THE LEGENDARY
LOST CONTINENT OF ATLANTIS.

HEY, FRANKLIN,
THIS GUY LOOKS LIKE YOU.

OH, MY GOODNESS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
THAT PHONY IS HERE.

WHO IS HE?

HE'S MY NEMESIS.

YOUR WHAT?

MY MORIARTY.

WHAT?
MY DOPPELGANGER?

WHAT?! KADY, WHAT
WORDS DO YOU KNOW

BESIDES THOSE IN YOUR OWN NAME
AND ICE-CREAM FLAVORS?

I KNOW "ARROGANT" AND
"PRETENTIOUS." TOUCHé.

NOW STOP BEING SUCH A NERD
AND TELL ME WHO THIS PERSON IS.

HE'S MY CHIEF RIVAL
IN THE WORLD OF SCIENCE.

OVER THE YEARS, HE'S STOLEN
MANY OF MY THEORIES.

AND ACCORDING TO THIS POSTER,
HE'S DONE IT AGAIN.

HE'S LECTURING ON THE ORIGINS
OF CONSCIOUSNESS.

THAT'S WHERE I LIVE!

THAT IS MY BREAD AND BUTTER!
IT'S UNCONSCIONABLE!

AND IF I HAVE ANYTHING
TO SAY ABOUT IT,

HE'S GONNA BE UNCONSCIOUS.

BABE, THERE IS SO MUCH STUFF
TO DO HERE.

OOH!
LET'S GO PARASAILING!

JUNIOR, WE CAN'T GO PARASAILING
WITH THE BABY.

AH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
IT'S KIND OF CRAZY, HUH?

HOW ABOUT BUNGEE JUMPING?

JUNIOR, WE CAN'T GO
BUNGEE JUMPING WITH THE BABY.

DUH.

GUN RANGE?

SNAKE CHARMING?

SCUBA DIVING?

NOT WITH THE BABY.

IS THAT WHAT I'M GONNA HEAR
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE...

"NOT WITH THE BABY"?

YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT
BEFORE YOU HAD A BABY.

YOU'VE GOT RESPONSIBILITIES.

I DON'T WANT RESPONSIBILITIES!
I WANT TO HAVE FUN!

YOU HAD YOUR FUN...
THREE SECONDS WORTH!

IS THAT RIGHT?
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT!

AND IT WAS FIVE SECONDS!

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

[ CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY ]

WHAT, WOMAN?!
WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?!

MICHAEL, NOTICE ME.
SAY SOMETHING ABOUT MY OUTFIT.

IT'S NICE.

YOU REALLY LIKE IT?

I LIKE IT SO MUCH,

I'M NOT EVEN GONNA ASK YOU
HOW MUCH IT COST.

OOH!
HOW MUCH DID IT COST?

IT COST THE PRICE YOU PAY
FOR NOT HANGING OUT WITH ME.

LOOK, BABY, YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU,
AND I LOVE THE KIDS, OKAY?

AND THERE'S NOTHING
THAT MAKES ME HAPPIER

THAN SPENDING TIME
WITH ALL OF YOU.

EXCEPT THIS WEEK.
THIS IS MICHAEL TIME.

I JUST WANT TO RELAX.

AM I ASKING FOR TOO MUCH?
AM I BEING SELFISH?

NO, MICHAEL,
OF COURSE NOT.

WE'VE NEVER WANTED FOR ANYTHING.
YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR US.

YOU DESERVE A VACATION.

JUST LIKE I DESERVE
A NEW WARDROBE. HA HA HA!

YES, YOU DO.

YOU GO AND BUY YOURSELF
WHATEVER YOU WANT.

BABY, YOU JUST RELAX.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT A THING.

EVERYTHING'S UNDER CONTROL.
EVERYBODY'S HAPPY.

MOM, DAD,
WE WANT TO GET A DIVORCE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN
YOU WANT A DIVORCE?

GO AHEAD... TELL HIM WHY
YOU WANT TO GET A DIVORCE.

OKAY, LOOK...
I LOVE VANESSA AND THE BABY,

BUT EVERY TIME
I WANT TO DO SOMETHING,

LIKE GO SCUBA DIVING, TAKE OFF
TO VEGAS, OR GO TO A STRIP CLUB,

I GOTTA GET PERMISSION.

[ JAY LAUGHS ]

DID YOU HEAR THAT, JAY?

HE HAS TO GET PERMISSION
TO GO TO A STRIP CLUB.

IT'S CRAZY!

IF HE WANTS TO GO,

HE SHOULD BE ALLOWED
TO GO TO THE STRIP CLUB.

AND IF HE NEEDS TO USE TIP MONEY
FROM THE KID'S COLLEGE FUND,

HE SHOULDN'T HAVE
TO ASK NOBODY.

I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.

AND HE'S NOT KIDDING!

HE THINKS HE CAN ACT THE WAY
HE DID BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED.

WELL, WHY NOT?
I'M THE SAME PERSON.

WHY DOES EVERYTHING CHANGE
BECAUSE OF A PIECE OF PAPER?

BECAUSE THE PAPER
SAYS WE'RE MARRIED!

SO WHAT?!

YOU KNOW, I APPRECIATE
THIS CONVERSATION.

AND I SYMPATHIZE
WITH THE FACT

THAT YOU TWO
ARE HAVING SOME PROBLEMS.

BUT DO YOU REALIZE THIS?

[ Laughing ] WE'RE... HAVING...
THIS CONVERSATION

IN THE BAHAMAS.

NOW, THE BAHAMAS IS A PLACE

WHERE YOU GO TO GET AWAY
FROM YOUR PROBLEMS.

AND YOU TWO
AND YOUR PROBLEMS

ARE STARTING TO BECOME
A PROBLEM FOR ME,

WHO IS TRYING TO GET AWAY
FROM HIS PROBLEMS.

AND BELIEVE ME... IF YOUR
PROBLEM BECOMES MY PROBLEM,

THEN WE GOT
A BIG OL' FAT PROBLEM.

SO, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

THAT'S THE PROBLEM!

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.

HE DON'T KNOW.

YOUR FATHER IS RIGHT.

YOU GUYS LOVE EACH OTHER.
YOU LOVE YOUR BABY.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO WORK
ALL THIS OUT ON YOUR OWN.

I DIDN'T GET MARRIED
TO GET LEFT BEHIND

WHILE
YOU GO SCUBA DIVING.

IS THIS WHAT MARRIED LIFE
IS LIKE?

YOU DON'T GET TO DO
ANY MORE FUN STUFF?

YEP. YOU SEE WHAT
I'M WORKING WITH.

STUCK FOREVER.
RIGHT HERE.

MAN!

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,
JUNIOR...

I'LL WATCH THE BABY
FOR THE REST OF THE AFTERNOON,

AND YOU GO AND DO WHATEVER
IT IS YOU WANT TO DO...

SCUBA DIVING, PARASAILING,
CLAM DIGGING...

CAN I GO
ON THE WATER SLIDE?

WHATEVER YOU WANT,
JUNIOR!

BUT AFTER THAT, YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO MAKE A CHOICE.

DO YOU WANT TO CONTINUE
LIVING A FRIVOLOUS LIFE,

OR DO YOU WANT TO SETTLE DOWN
WITH YOUR WIFE AND CHILD?

DO I HAVE TO ANSWER THAT
RIGHT NOW?

NO.

RIGHT NOW, YOU NEED
TO GET ON THAT WATER SLIDE.

BYE, BABY. [ SMOOCHES ]
HA HA!

I KNOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
HE WAS THE FIRSTBORN.

THE HEAD GOT SQUISHED
ON THE WAY OUT.

THE TONGS BROKE WHEN THEY TRIED
TO PULL HIM OUT.

THEY JUST SNAPPED.

WE WANTED TO LEAVE HIM,
ACTUALLY, THERE BECAUSE...

AND IT SCARED ME.

I DIDN'T KNOW IF IT WAS
AFTERBIRTH OR A SON.

THIS PLACE IS FABULOUS,
ISN'T IT?

I'M NOT SURE.

WHY?

THERE SEEMS TO BE
A LOT OF SIN.

WHY WOULD YOU SAY
A THING LIKE THAT?

LOOK AROUND YOU, CLAIRE.
EVERYBODY'S SMILING.

SO WHAT?

RIGHTEOUS PEOPLE ONLY SMILE
IN THE PRESENCE OF GOD.

WELL, MAYBE GOD'S HERE.

AFTER ALL,
IT IS CALLED "PARADISE."

CLAIRE, YOU FIND GOD IN PRISON,
NOT AT HAPPY HOUR.

LIGHTEN UP, TONY.

AND SINCE WE'RE IN THE BAHAMAS,
LET'S HAVE A BAHAMA MAMA.

I THINK THEY HAVE COCONUT
IN THOSE.

I'M ALLERGIC TO COCONUT.
IT MAKES MY ANKLES SWELL UP.

THE LAST TIME
I HAD COCONUT,

MY ANKLES GOT SO BIG
THAT I BLEW A TUBE SOCK.

I STILL HAVE A COUPLE
STRETCH MARKS ON MY FEET.

EW.

WHAT CAN I GET
FOR YOU GUYS?

UM, ONE BAHAMA MAMA.

AND ONE DIET SODA.

COMING UP.

I'M UNCOMFORTABLE HERE.

HERE YOU GO.

LOOK, FORGET THAT.

LET'S JUST TRY TO RELAX
AND HAVE A GOOD TIME.

[ SIGHS ]

MMM.

THIS IS GOOD.
IT TASTES JUST LIKE CANDY.

SLOW. OH, MY.

I'LL HAVE ANOTHER ONE,
PLEASE.

MMM.

NOW, ISN'T THIS NICE?

I HAVE TO ADMIT IT, BABY...
THIS IS PRETTY DAMN NICE.

SEE? I TOLD YOU.

[ Jamaican accent ] YOU JUST GOT TO LET
THE ISLAND VIBES SEEP INTO YOU NOW.

[ Jamaican accent ]
YOU THINK SO?

AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I SIGNED US UP

FOR THE ULTIMATE
ISLAND EXPERIENCE.

REALLY, NOW? DOES IT INVOLVE
ANY SEXUAL HEALING?

OH, IT MAY.

WELL, TELL I MORE.
TELL I MORE.

OKAY, WELL...

I SIGNED US UP TO SPEND
THE DAY AT THE MAGIC ISLAND.

THE MAGIC ISLAND?

SHOULD I BRING
THE MAGIC STICK

TO PLAY
A LITTLE HOCUS-POCUS?

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT HOCUS,

BUT THERE WILL BE
SOME POKE-US.

[ Normal voice ]
LOOK AT THIS BROCHURE, MICHAEL.

THERE'S THIS ISLAND
THAT APPEARS EVERY MORNING,

AND THERE'S THIS COMPANY
THAT TAKES YOU TO SPEND THE DAY.

ME LIKE IT EVEN MORE.

YOU KNOW, THIS IS EXACTLY
WHAT I WAS THINKING OF...

RUNNING AROUND NAKED, CHASING
THAT ROUND HIND OF YOURS.

AAAAAAH!

IT DOESN'T GET
ANY BETTER THAN THAT.

MICHAEL!

MIKE! MIKEY!

MICHAEL!

YEAH. HEY.
HEY, JIMMY.

HEY, BUDDY.
[ CHUCKLES ]

HOW ARE YOU?
IS THIS THE LITTLE LADY?

YEAH, YEAH.

THIS IS MY WIFE, JAY.

JAY, THIS IS JIMMY GALILEE,

THE DIVORCé
I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT.

NICE TO MEET YOU.
HOW YOU DOING?

FANTASTIC. ASK ANYBODY.
[ LAUGHS ]

MIND IF I SIT DOWN?

ACTUALLY,
WE WERE JUST TRYING...

HEADS UP!
[ LAUGHS ]

OH, BOY, I ALMOST TOOK
YOUR EAR OFF THERE.

OOH, IS THAT SHRIMP?

NO, YOU ARE NOT UP
IN MY PLA...

[ MUMBLING ]

THAT IS...
THAT IS DELICIOUS.

THERE IS NOTHING LIKE
EATING SEAFOOD IN THE ISLANDS.

IT'S LIKE EATING ITALIAN FOOD
IN ITALY, FRENCH FOOD IN FRANCE,

OR CHINESE FOOD
IN NEW YORK.

THIS IS GONNA BE
SO GREAT.

WE'RE GONNA SPEND
THIS ENTIRE WEEK TOGETHER!

LOOK, JIMMY, I'M AFRAID
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO FIND

SOMEONE ELSE
TO HANG OUT WITH.

BECAUSE MY WIFE AND I... WE'RE
BOOKED FOR THE ENTIRE WEEK.

THE WHOLE VACATION...
JUST BAM, BAM...

SCHEDULE AFTER SCHEDULE
AFTER SCHEDULE.

THAT SOUNDS GOOD TO ME,
'CAUSE WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING,

I'M DOING IT, TOO,
'CAUSE I WANT TO HANG WITH YOU.

JIMMY... WE WOULD LIKE
TO BE LEFT ALONE.

I GET IT. I GET IT.

YOU WANT ME TO CLEAR OUT
THE REST OF THE RESTAURANT,

SO IT'S JUST US THREE?

EVERYBODY ON THE LEFT SIDE...
GET TO STEPPIN'!

COME ON!

NO, JIMMY,
LISTEN TO ME.

EVEN IF WE DIDN'T
WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE,

THE LAST PERSON
WE WANT TO BE WITH IS YOU.

OUCH. GOOD THING
YOU WERE KIDDING.

IF YOU WERE SERIOUS,
OH, THE PAIN.

NO, I AM SERIOUS.

GOT ME TWICE!
YOU ARE A GREAT ACTOR.

I'M SERIOUS!

WE DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU!
WE WANT TO BE ALONE!

GO! GET OUT!

NOTHING PERSONAL, JIMMY.
NOTHING PERSONAL.

NOTHING PERSONAL?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOU CAN'T GET
ANY MORE PERSONAL THAN THAT.

THAT'S AS PERSONAL
AS IT GETS!

JIMMY, LOOK AT MICHAEL.

HE JUST WANTS TO RELAX.
HE NEEDS TO UNWIND.

LOOK AT HIM.
JUST... LOOK AT HIM.

I GOT IT...
LOUD AND CLEAR.

I DON'T NEED
AN ENGRAVED INVITATION

TO TELL ME
WHEN I'M NOT WANTED.

IF THERE'S ONE THING
I UNDERSTAND, IT'S REJECTION.

IT'S MY MIDDLE NAME...
JIMMY "THE REJECT" GALILEE.

REALLY?

THERE'S NO "THE"
IN THE MIDDLE.

BUT IT SOUNDED WEIRD...
JIMMY "REJECT" GALILEE...

SO I SHORTENED IT UP
TO "J.R.G."

LOOK, I KNOW, MIKE, I'M KIND OF
HARD TO TAKE SOMETIMES.

BUT THAT JUST COMES
FROM MY DEEP NEED TO BE LOVED

AND MY TRAUMATIC CHILDHOOD
WHEN MY PARENTS LEFT ME

AND RAN OFF WITH MY ADOPTED
BROTHER, KWAN TRANG,

JUST 'CAUSE HE WAS GOOD IN MATH
AND COULD PLAY THE VIOLIN.

SO, YOU GUYS DON'T WANT TO BE
WITH JIMMY? GET IN LINE.

[ Voice breaking ] A LOT OF PEOPLE
DON'T WANT TO BE WITH JIMMY.

SOMETIMES I DON'T EVEN
WANT TO BE WITH JIMMY.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

GET AWAY FROM ME... ME!

JIMMY, GOODBYE.

ARE YOU TALKING
TO HIM OR ME?

I'M TALKING TO ALL OF YOU.

SEE? TOLD YOU.
YOU WOULDN'T LISTEN.

WHAT? DON'T RAISE YOUR VOI...
OH! DID YOU SLAP ME?

I'M GONNA WHUP...
COME HERE!

DON'T RUN FROM ME!
COME HERE!

MICHAEL, I FEEL AWFUL.

YOU JUST CAN'T LET
THAT MAN

GO OFF TALKING TO HIMSELF
LIKE THAT.

CALL HIM BACK HERE.

HEY, JIMMY! WANT TO TRY...

WHOA! DAMN!

EXCUSE ME, BUT DID Y'ALL
CHANGE YOUR MINDS?

NO, I WAS JUST CALLING YOU
TO CONFIRM WITH YOU

THAT I DON'T EVER
WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

I HEAR THAT FROM MY PARENTS
EVERY SUNDAY.

GO! GET OUT!

GOT IT!

IT'S NOT A GAME!
GO!

ALL RIGHT, MAN.

HEY, THAT WAS MY TUBE!

JERK!

MAN, THAT WAS
THE LAST SINGLE TUBE.

HEY, WE CAN BUDDY UP.
WHAT?

I GOT A TANDEM TUBE.
WE CAN GO DOWN TOGETHER.

WITH TWICE THE WEIGHT,
YOU GO TWICE AS FAST.

SOUNDS GOOD.

MY NAME'S DAVID.
CALL ME JUNIOR.

NICE TO MEET YOU.
YOU, TOO.

ARE YOU HERE
BY YOURSELF?

I'M HERE WITH MY WHOLE FAMILY,
INCLUDING MY WIFE AND KID.

NO KIDDING. YOU LOOK
AWFULLY YOUNG TO BE A DAD.

I LOVE MY FAMILY, BUT I FEEL
LIKE I'M MISSING OUT ON STUFF.

THERE ARE TONS OF EXPERIENCES
I HAVEN'T HAD YET,

AND I'M SO OPEN
TO TRYING NEW THINGS.

I THINK I KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

WELL, HERE WE ARE.
WE'RE UP NEXT.

THIS IS GONNA BE SO COOL.

DO YOU WANT THE FRONT
OR THE BACK?

THE FRONT?

GOOD.
I LIKE THE BACK.

[ LAUGHS ]

OH, THANK YOU.
HA HA!

YOU'RE HYPED, TOO?
YEAH!

ALL RIGHT!
HANG ON TIGHT!

[ LAUGHS ]

ALL RIGHT, LET'S ROCK!

WHOO! YEAH!

OOH, THOSE ARE GOOD!
[ CHUCKLES ]

YOO-HOO! I'LL HAVE
ANOTHER ONE, PLEASE.

I THINK THERE'S ALCOHOL
IN THOSE, CLAIRE.

YOU BETTER TAKE IT EASY.

[ Jamaican accent ]
NO, MON!

THERE'S NO ALCOHOL
IN THERE.

DO YOU SEE
ANY ALCOHOL IN THERE?

I DON'T.
THERE'S NO SUCH THING, MON.

LISTEN TO YOURSELF...
YOU'RE TALKING REALLY FUNNY.

THAT'S THE SUN.

I'M STRONGSOAT.
[ LAUGHS ]

THAT'S WHY I NEED
ANOTHER BAHAMA MAMA.

IT WILL HYDROLATE ME.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ Normal voice ]
WHAT DO YOU SAY, TONY?

LET'S DO IT.

IT? WHAT IT?

CAPITAL "I,"
CAPITAL "T."

CAPITAL "T-N-T."

KABOOM. KABANG.

CLAIRE, THAT IS NOT
A GOOD IDEA.

WHY NOT?
WHAT ARE YOU, A NANCY BOY?

WHAT ARE YOU,
DADDY'S FAVORITE LITTLE GIRL?

I DON'T THINK I LIKE YOU
WHEN YOU'RE LIKE THIS.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

HA HA!

"I NEED ANOTHER BAHAMA MAMA,"
IS WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

COME ON, LET'S DANCE!

OW!

COME ON, DANCE.

SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT.
YEAH, COME ON.

HAH!

I'LL DO IT
IN SLOW MOTION.

SLO-O-O-W.

[ INHALES SHARPLY ]

BABY, THIS HAS BEEN
THE MOST AMAZING DAY OF MY LIFE.

ME TOO.

WOW. I'M SORRY WE HAD TO PUT
OUR CLOTHES BACK ON.

THE BOAT IS COMING. WE DON'T
WANT TO GIVE THEM A SHOW.

OR DO WE?
HARD AS WE WAS WORKING?

[ Laughing ] SHOWTIME!

YOU KNOW,
THEY SHOULD BE HERE BY NOW,

OR AT LEAST
ON THE HORIZON.

WHAT TIME WERE THEY
SUPPOSED TO BE BACK?

ABOUT A HALF-HOUR AGO.

WHAT?!

BUT I GOT CAUGHT UP
IN YOUR MOTION IN THE OCEAN.

I FORGOT ABOUT TIME.

WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

HEY, RELAX.
I'LL JUST GIVE THEM A CALL.

I'M GETTING
A LITTLE NERVOUS.

HEY!

DON'T BE NERVOUS.
I GOT YOU.

OKAY.

YEAH, I'LL JUST
GIVE THEM...

OH, DAMN.

OH, DAMN WHAT?
UH, NO, UM, SERVICE.

OH, MY GOD, MICHAEL.

THIS IS JUST LIKE THAT TV SHOW
"LOST," WHERE THESE PEOPLE

GET STRANDED ON A DESERTED
ISLAND WITH MONSTERS AND MODELS!

WE'RE STUCK HERE.
THEY LEFT US.

WE'RE GONNA DIE.
WE'RE GONNA DIE.

LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN.
CALM DOWN, OKAY?

JUST BECAUSE WE'RE STUCK
ON AN ISLAND

WITH NO FOOD
AND NO SHELTER

[ Whimpering ]
AND NO HELP IN SIGHT.

OH, MY GOD...
WE'RE GONNA DIE.

GOD, WE'RE GONNA DIE!

AAAAH! AAAAAH!

WE'RE GONNA DIE!
WE'RE GONNA DIE!

LORD, MY GOD,
WE'RE GONNA DIE.

I JUST CAME DOWN HERE
'CAUSE MY EX-WIFE

IS TRYING TO SERVE ME
WITH A SUBPOENA.

SORRY ABOUT YOUR BUNION.

SO I FIGURED
I'D COME DOWN HERE

AND LAY LOW
FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

OW! YOU ALL RIGHT?
JUST FLEX YOUR TOES.

YOU GOT A BIG ASS
FOR A MAN.

WELL, I'VE BEEN WORKING OUT.
IT'S MY THIGHS.

MY THIGH MUSCLES
ARE VERY DEVELOPED.

[ Laughing ]
BUT ANYWAY...

SHE'S TRYING TO SERVE ME
WITH THIS WHOLE SUBPOENA...

[ BOTH LAUGH ]