My Wife and Kids (2001–2005): Season 5, Episode 14 - Sweetheart's Day - full transcript
Jay announces that Saturday is Sweethearts Day, a holiday she made up solely for Michael to buy her diamonds. Michael uses a test basing Jay's attitude at a random moment to weigh how much she's worth and gets her a cheap gift, but when the truth is revealed his plan blows up in his face as Jay rates his every move.
HEY!
I CHALLENGE YOU TO
A WATER-DRINKING DUEL.
WHAT THE HECK
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU HEARD ME...
A WATER-DRINKING DUEL,
MANO A MANO, AGUA A AGUA.
TO THE VICTOR GO THE SPOILS.
HA!
[ Laughing ] AND WHY
ARE YOU DOING THIS?
BECAUSE I'M TIRED OF YOU BEATING
ME IN EVERY CONTEST WE HAVE.
YOU'RE TALLER THAN ME,
STRONGER, FASTER. BETTER-LOOKING.
YEAH, YOU'RE SEXY WITH YOUR BROAD
SHOULDERS AND YOUR DEFINED PECS.
BUT I MAY NOT BE ABLE
TO OUTFOOSBALL YOU.
I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE
TO OUTBOX YOU.
I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE
TO OUTRUN YOU.
BUT I CAN DRINK A BOTTLE
OF WATER FASTER THAN YOU.
I'VE BEEN PRACTICING.
AND YOU REALLY WANT
TO DO THIS?
I BELIEVE I MUST.
OKAY. I MUST WARN YOU THAT
I'M GONNA BEAT YOU AGAIN.
I LAUGH ON YOUR LAPEL.
HA HA!
YOU MAY BE SUPERMAN,
BUT THIS BOTTLE OF WATER
IS YOUR KRYPTONITE... READY?
OKAY, HOLD ON A SECOND.
LET ME WARM UP MY THROAT.
OH-OH-UG-UG-UG-UG-UG.
OKAY.
ON YOUR MARK, GET SET, GO.
GO! OH, MAN.
OH, MAN,
I CAN'T... WHOA.
LOOK AT... WHOO!
OH, MAN.
I WIN! IN YOUR FACE, DADDY!
IN YOUR FACE!
BOOYASHAKA!
WOW.
I DIDN'T EVEN GET THE CAP OFF.
YOU GOOD. ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO
THE BEST TWO OUT OF THREE.
ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
EY-EY-EY-EY-EY.
OKAY.
HERE'S YOUR TWO
AND THEN THERE'S THE THREE.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU GOT THE CAP
OFF THIS TIME?
READY... SET... GO!
GO!
WOW.
HOW YOU... MMM.
KEEP GOING,
'CAUSE YOU GOT TO DO THREE.
I WIN AGAIN, DADDY!
IN YOUR FACE, DADDY!
IN YOUR FACE!
YOU BEEN HYDROLATED.
OH, MAN,
YOU BEAT ME AGAIN.
I SURE DID.
YOU'VE BEEN...
I BEAT YOU.
WOW. YOU GOT TO GIVE ME
ANOTHER SHOT, SON.
LET'S DO THE BEST
52 OUT OF 165, OKAY?
OKAY, OKAY.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS
DOING?
YOU'RE JUST IN TIME FOR THE KYLE
WATER-DRINKING COMPETITION.
JUNIOR IS LIKE A LITTLE CAMEL.
LOOK AT THIS.
ALL OF THAT, AND STILL
AIN'T GO TO THE BATHROOM YET.
YEAH, I DID.
YOU DID? WHEN?
JUST NOW.
OH.
WELL,
FORGET ABOUT ALL THAT.
I HAVE SOMETHING
MORE IMPORTANT TO DISCUSS.
THIS SATURDAY
IS SWEETHEART'S DAY.
SWEETHEART'S DAY?
I NEVER HEARD OF THAT ONE.
I JUST MADE IT UP.
YOU WANT ME TO BUY YOU A CARD
FOR A DAY YOU JUST MADE UP?
WHOA, BROTHER.
I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT A CARD.
I WANT DIAMONDS.
DIAMONDS.
I NEED TO COME UP WITH A HOLIDAY
THAT'S FAKE LIKE THIS.
YOU DO,
BUT YOU DIDN'T... I DID.
GOT IT.
HA HA HA!
OH, YOU'RE IN
THIS LITTLE SCAM, TOO?
YEAH, I WANT
SOME DIAMONDS, TOO.
AFTER 16 HOURS
LAYING ON MY BACK,
TRYING TO SQUEEZE
JUNIOR JUNIOR'S BIG HEAD OUT,
I WANT A DIAMOND
FOR EVERY STITCH.
DON'T FORGET ABOUT
THE STRETCH MARKS, GIRL.
[ LAUGHING ]
I DIDN'T GET
ANY OF THOSE.
[ COUGHING ]
I PROMISE
I'LL GET YOU SOMETHING.
FOR WHAT?
SWEETHEART'S DAY.
WHAT'S THAT? YOUR
MOTHER JUST MADE IT UP
TO EXTORT PRESENTS OUT OF
ALL THE MEN IN THIS FAMILY.
WELL, THAT SOUNDS GOOD.
COUNT ME IN.
OKAY, SO NOW THAT WE GOT
ALL THAT STRAIGHT,
Y'ALL CAN GO BACK TO YOUR
STUPID LITTLE DRINKING CONTEST.
BYE-BYE.
COME ON, LADIES.
ALL RIGHT,
JUNIOR, LOOK.
WE GOT TO MAKE THIS
INTERESTING, OKAY?
WE GOT TO UP THE ANTE,
BECAUSE YOU'RE SO GOOD AT THIS.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
THIS IS WHAT
WE GONNA DO.
OKAY.
[ GROANS ]
NOW LET'S SEE HOW GOOD
YOU REALLY ARE.
YOU DRINK THIS.
GO AHEAD. COME ON.
YOU THE CHAMP.
HERE.
TAKE THE TOP OFF FOR YOU.
READY?
ON THE COUNT OF 3... LET ME
GET THE TOP OFF FIRST,
'CAUSE I KNOW YOU'LL JUST
GUZZLE THAT DOWN RIGHT AWAY.
COME ON.
1... 2... 3... GO!
MM-MMM.
Michael: WOW, THAT CERTAINLY IS
IS BEAUTIFUL.
HOW MUCH IS IT?
MICHAEL JORDAN!
EXCUSE ME?
I DON'T USE
THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN.
I SAY THE NEXT BEST THING.
THAT'S... THAT'S EXPENSIVE.
CAN YOU BELIEVE MY WIFE
ACTUALLY MADE UP A HOLIDAY
CALLED "SWEETHEART'S DAY"
SO SHE CAN GET
SOME DIAMONDS OUT OF ME?
OH, YOU GOT OFF EASY.
I ONCE MADE UP A HOLIDAY
CALLED "HONEY'S WEEK."
I GOT MYSELF A HOUSE.
OH, WELL, THE DIAMONDS
ARE NOT THAT BAD, THEN.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
LET ME SEE THE CHEAPER ONE
I WAS LOOKING AT EARLIER.
YEAH, THESE.
THAT'S NOT THAT BAD, I MEAN,
FOR SWEETHEART'S DAY.
IT'S JUST
A NONSENSE HOLIDAY, ANYWAY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
I THINK IT LOOKS LIKE
WHAT IT IS...
THE CHEAPER ONE.
SO I SHOULD PROBABLY GO
WITH THAT?
SHE WILL LOVE IT.
DO YOU WANT IT IN THE GOLD
SETTING OR THE PLATINUM?
GOLD OR PLATINUM...
THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.
LET ME CALL HER AND ASK HER...
SEE WHAT MY BABY THINK.
[ CHUCKLES ]
I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU'RE WEARING MY SHIRT!
IT'S TOO TIGHT ON YOU!
IT FITS ME PERFECTLY,
YOU LITTLE MAGGOT!
WHAT'S THE POINT OF WEARING
A SHIRT THAT'S NOT TIGHT?!
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY
YOU HAVE TO WEAR MY CLOTHES!
BECAUSE IT WAS CLEAN!
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY,
IHEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!
LOOK, MY HEAD IS POUNDING
FROM ALL OF THIS ARGUING, OKAY?!
I AM TRYING
TO FEED THE BABY.
[ TELEPHONE RINGING ] GET
THAT. I'M SURE IT'S FOR ONE OF YOU.
ANYONE I WANT TO TALK
TO CALLS MY CELL. DITTO.
I'LL GET IT.
HELLO?
Michael:
HEY, SCHNOOKUMS.
IS THIS MY FAVORITE GIRL
IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD?
WHO IS THIS?
WHO IS... IT'S MICHAEL.
MICHAEL?
YEAH, MICHAEL,
YOUR HUSBAND.
OKAY, MICHAEL,
CUT THE CUTE CRAP, OKAY?
I'M IN THE MIDDLE
OF SOMETHING.
YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SAY,
SAY IT.
I'M... YOU KNOW WHAT?
NEVER MIND.
FINE.
SHE IS GOING TO LOVE THIS.
SHE SURE IS... I'M GONNA SEND
HER BY AND LET HER LOOK AT IT,
BUT I'M GONNA GO
WITH THE CHEAPER ONE.
DO YOU WANT ME TO WRAP IT?
NO. I'LL JUST PUT IT
IN MY POCKET.
I'M WITH THAT.
OOH-HOO!
ALL RIGHT.
I'M GONNA SEE YOUR TWO PRETZELS
AND RAISE YOU FIVE
WITH THIS HAND.
HAS ANYONE BOUGHT
THEIR GIFT YET?
NO, NO.
I HAVE TO GO DO THAT.
YEAH, ME TOO.
I DISCOVERED
SOMETHING TODAY
THAT WILL CHANGE
THE COURSE OF GIFT-GIVING
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
WHAT DID YOU DISCOVER?
CHECK THIS OUT.
JUST BEFORE I SPENT
A BUNCH OF MONEY
ON A GIFT
FOR YOUR MOTHER,
I CALLED HER AT HOME, AND SHE
WAS SO MEAN AND NASTY TO ME,
I ENDED UP BUYING
THE CHEAPER GIFT INSTEAD.
WHOO.
THAT IS GOOD.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS CALL YOUR
SIGNIFICANT OTHER ON THE PHONE
RIGHT BEFORE YOU'RE ABOUT
TO MAKE A PURCHASE,
AND I GUARANTEE YOU, YOU WILL
SAVE YOURSELF A FORTUNE.
THAT IS A GOOD IDEA, DAD.
SEE, WHAT YOU DO
IS YOU CALL HER,
AND THEN YOU RATE HER ATTITUDE
TOWARD YOU ON A 1-TO-10 SCALE.
AND THEN,
WHATEVER THAT NUMBER IS,
THAT'S HOW YOU DETERMINE HOW
MUCH YOU'RE GONNA SPEND ON HER.
HUH? HUH?
I THINK WHAT MR. KYLE
IS TRYING TO SAY IS,
IF YOU CALL YOUR GIRL AND RATE
HER ATTITUDE TOWARD YOU AS 7,
THEN THAT'S HOW MUCH MONEY
YOU'D SPEND ON HER... $70.
EXACTLY,
AND IT'S GUILT-FREE SAVINGS.
OOH. HEY, DAD.
WHAT DID YOU RATE MOM TODAY?
[ LAUGHS ]
A 3.
OH, MAN.
MAMA GOT A 3, Y'ALL.
OH, THAT IS
A DARN GOOD SAVINGS.
HERE'S THE GIFT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THIS IS HOW
I'M GONNA GIVE IT TO HER...
"HERE'S YOUR GIFT, BABY.
HAPPY SWEETHEART'S DAY."
OH.
SO, FRANKIE, BABY,
DID YOU TRY OUT MY PLAN?
YES, AND, AS MUCH AS IT PAINS ME
TO TELL YOU, MR. KYLE,
KADY WAS A TAD SHORT WITH ME
ON THE PHONE, AS WELL.
ISN'T EVERYBODY SHORT
WITH YOU, FRANKLIN?
[ LAUGHING ]
SIT DOWN, BOY.
DID YOU TRY OUT
THE SYSTEM?
YEP,
AND IT SAVED ME $20.
OH, SHE WAS MEAN TO YOU
ON THE PHONE?
YEAH, I THINK SO. SHE CALLED ME
"THE THING STUCK TO THE RING."
OH, THAT IS GOOD.
THAT'S GOOD.
LOOK AT THOSE WOMEN
IN THERE.
THEY HAVE NO IDEA THAT THEY HURT
THEMSELVES BY HURTING US.
Tony: HEY, GUYS.
OH, TONY'S HERE.
DID YOU TRY OUT THE SYSTEM?
I'M ABOUT TO.
THIS IS A PROMISE RING
I GOT FROM A JEWELRY STORE,
AND THIS IS A PROMISE RING
I GOT FROM A GUMBALL MACHINE
OUTSIDE
OF THE JEWELRY STORE.
LET'S SEE WHICH ONE SHE GETS
AND WHICH ONE GETS RETURNED.
HERE SHE COMES.
HEY, SWEETHEART.
DON'T "SWEETHEART" ME.
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE
A HALF HOUR AGO.
EVERYBODY ELSE IS HERE.
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, YOU LOSER?
NO PROBLEM AT ALL.
GUMBALL MACHINE?
GUMBALL MACHINE.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS,
AND I WANT TO GO FIRST
TO SHOW YOU GUYS
HOW THE PRO GETS IT DONE.
LADIES, LADIES, MAY WE HAVE
YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE?
YOU SURE MAY.
IN HONOR
OF SWEETHEART'S DAY,
CREATED BY
THE LOVELY SWEETHEART HERSELF,
MS. JANET MARIE KYLE,
WE THE MEN IN YOUR LIVES
HAVE GIFTS FOR YOU.
OH!
AND I, BEING
THE ELDER STATESMAN,
WOULD LIKE TO GO FIRST.
OH!
I'M FIRST.
JAY KYLE,
OPEN YOUR GIFT, BABY.
THANK YOU, BABY!
THANK YOU FOR MY DIAMOND...
PEARLS.
THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL,
AREN'T THEY?
UM...
YES,
THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL, MICHAEL.
AND, YOU KNOW, MICHAEL,
IT'S NOT THE GIFT.
IT'S THE THOUGHT,
IT'S THE ACKNOWLEDGMENT
THAT MEANS SOMETHING TO ME,
SO THANK YOU.
IF YOU LIKED THOSE,
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN
WHAT YOU WOULD HAVE GOT
IF YOU HADN'T BEEN... OH!
YOU SEE THAT HORNET?
THERE WAS A HORNET THAT LANDED
RIGHT THERE ON YOUR HEAD, MAN.
GOOD THING I CHASED IT AWAY.
I WOULDN'T WANT YOU
TO GET STUNG.
WELL, THANK YOU FOR SAVING,
MR. KYLE.
BUT AS I WAS SAYING
TO MRS. KYLE, YOU... OW!
IT MUST HAVE COME BACK.
ARE YOU USING HONEY SHAMPOO?
NO!
NO, LAVENDER.
OH, MAN.
BUT AS I WAS SAYING...
LISTEN, STUPID!
HE'S-KA TRYING-KA
TO-KA TELL-KA YOU-KA
NOT-KA TO-KA SAY ANYTHING-KA
ABOUT THE WOMEN
RATING SYSTEM-KA.
IT'S A SECRET.
SHH-KA.
WHAT THE KA IS GOING ON
AROUND HERE?
OH, NO, NO.
SHE BROKE THE CODE, MAN.
OHH. MNH-MNH-MNH.
SOMEBODY BETTER
TELL ME SOMETHING.
IT'S A REALLY
FUNNY STORY.
I WILL PROTECT YOU, TONY.
GO AHEAD. TALK TO ME.
MR. KYLE HAD THIS
INTERESTING NEW IDEA WHERE,
BEFORE WE BOUGHT
YOU GUYS A GIFT,
WE CALLED YOU AND RATED
YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARD US
ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10.
IT WAS A GAG.
YOU GOT A 3.
A 3?!
A 3?!
THE SCALE WAS ON
A SCALE OF 1 TO 3,
AND IT WAS BACKWARDS,
AND SO YOU CAME OUT ON TOP.
NO, NO, NO, IT WASN'T.
BUT... BUT IT WASN'T
JUST ME, BABY.
WE ALL DID IT...
ALL THE GUYS.
WE ALL GOT YOU... YEAH, WE DID.
SHOW HER YOUR GIFT.
FOR YOU, MY LOVE.
[ GASPS ]
DIAMONDS, FRANKLIN.
HOW SWEET. SO CUTE.
WELL, I KNOW
TONY, TONY...
YOU KNOW, TONY'S
PROBABLY GOT SOMETHING.
WHAT ABOUT YOU,
TONY?
GIVE HER
THE GUMBALL THING.
NO, I GOT THAT
FOR MY MOM.
ANYWAY,
THIS IS FOR YOU.
[ GASPS ]
OH, A DIAMOND.
TONY, THANK YOU.
OH, I LOVE IT.
[ SMOOCHES ]
I KNOW JUNIOR DIDN'T GET
NO DIAMOND, RIGHT?
YOU'RE TOO DUMB
TO GET HER DIAMONDS.
NO, I'M NOT.
NO?
BABY, I GOT YOU
THE DIAMOND YOU WANTED
WHEN WE FIRST STARTED DATING.
I SAVED UP MONEY FOR IT
BY SKIPPING LUNCH, GIVING BLOOD,
AND SELLING MY HAIR
FOR HAIR TRANSPLANTS.
ANYWAY, HAPPY
SWEETHEART'S DAY, BABY.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU, JU-JU!
YOU'RE WELCOME, BABY!
MMM! MMM! MMM! MMM! MMM! MMM!
I LOVE YOU, TONY!
I LOVE YOU, FRANKLIN.
YOU A JERK.
OH, HE WAS GONNA THROW IT
ON YOUR HEAD LIKE THAT.
REMEMBER THAT?
OH!
Jay:
UNBELIEVABLE.
THE MAN RATES ME A 3...
A 3, LORD.
Jay:
UNBELIEVABLE.
THE MAN RATES ME A 3...
A 3, LORD.
I SHOULD BE A 6
FOR JUST MARRYING HIM.
COME ON, JAY. YOU DON'T HAVE
TO TAKE IT TO THE LORD.
THIS IS NO BIG DEAL.
MICHAEL, YOU SAID I WAS A 3...
A 3? A 3, MICHAEL?!
OKAY, BUT, LISTEN,
IN ALL FAIRNESS TO ME,
YOU WERE REALLY MEAN WHEN I
CALLED YOU FOR NO REASON AT ALL.
NO REASON?!
WHAT DO YOU THINK...
I'M JUST PSYCHOTIC?
THAT I JUST GO BERSERK
AT THE DROP OF A DIME?
WELL...
SHUT UP!
MICHAEL, THERE WAS A REASON
WHY I WAS SHORT WITH YOU.
THIS HOUSE WAS IN CHAOS.
THE KIDS WERE FIGHTING.
I WAS TRYING TO FEED THE BABY.
I AM VERY SORRY
THAT I DIDN'T GIVE YOU
THE PROPER LOVE AND AFFECTION
YOU FELT YOU HAD COMING
AT THAT PARTICULAR MOMENT,
BUT I MISTAKENLY THOUGHT
THAT YOU WERE THE ONLY MAN ON
EARTH I COULD BE UNGUARDED WITH.
SEE, BUT,
AT THAT PARTICULAR MOMENT...
AND LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT
PARTICULAR MOMENT, SHALL WE?
YES, WE SHALL.
NOW, YOU ARE SAYING TO ME...
[ LAUGHING ]
...IN THIS BIG SCHEME
OF YOURS,
THAT ANY EXPRESSION OF LOVE
THAT YOU GIVE TO ME
IS SOLELY DEPENDENT
UPON HOW I ACT TOWARDS YOU
AT SOME PARTICULAR
RANDOM MOMENT OF YOUR CHOOSING.
WELL, THAT'S
THE INITIAL IDEA, BUT...
AND I GUESS I GET NO CREDIT
FOR RUINING MY BODY...
AND GIVING BIRTH TO YOUR
THREE BIG-HEADED KIDS.
WHAT WAS MY SCORE
ON THAT, MICHAEL?
AND WHAT WAS MY SCORE
WHEN I WAS WORKING THE NIGHT
SHIFT AT THE SUPERMARKET,
TRYING TO HELP YOU GET YOUR
TRUCKING COMPANY OFF THE GROUND,
AFTER WATCHING LITTLE JUNIOR
ALL DAY LONG?
AND WHAT WAS MY SCORE
ON LOVING YOU
WHILE YOU WERE
LOSING YOUR HAIR?
"AM I LOSING MY HAIR?
AM I LOSING MY HAIR?
IS MY HAIR ON THE PILLOW?
IS IT THIN IN THE BACK?
IS IT THIN IN THE BACK?
IS IT THIN IN THE BACK?"
WHAT WAS MY SCORE
ON THAT, BALDY?!
10?
DAMN RIGHT IT WAS A 10!
MICHAEL, NOT ONLY DID YOU HURT
ME, BUT YOU DID IT PUBLICLY.
YOU MADE A JOKE OUT OF IT.
I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.
IT DIDN'T GO
THAT FAR BACK.
OKAY, WHO WANTS
MORE BLUEBERRY WAFFLES?
ME, ME!
ME, ME! ME, ME!
ROUND TWO... COMING UP.
Michael:
HOLD UP.
ARE THOSE JAY'S FAMOUS
BLUEBERRY WAFFLES THAT I SMELL?
THEY SURE ARE.
ONLY THING I LOVE MORE THAN
THOSE WAFFLES IS JAY HERSELF.
[ LAUGHS ]
4.
YOU'RE RATING ME
ON WALKING INTO THE KITCHEN?
I'M SORRY.
DOES THAT SEEM UNFAIR TO YOU?
DON'T YOU LIKE BEING JUDGED
AT MY WHIM?
I DON'T MIND. I JUST THOUGHT
I DID BETTER THAN A 4.
THERE'S NO JURY HERE, MICHAEL.
THERE'S NO INSTANT REPLAY.
IT'S ALL UP TO ME,
AND I SAY 4!
4?
HERE.
ENJOY YOUR BREAKFAST.
WHAT'S THIS...
UNCOOKED BACON?
WHAT I AM SUPPOSED
TO DO WITH THIS?
WHAT ABOUT
THE BLUEBERRY WAFFLES?
NO, THE BLUEBERRY WAFFLES
ARE FOR MY 10s.
EVERYBODY HERE GOT A 10?
10.
10.10.
10-KA.
ENJOY YOUR BACON.
HOW'S THAT LOOK, SON?
CAN YOU TELL THAT IT'S BACON?
THAT'S YOU.
OKAY.
I DIDN'T MEAN
TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS.
CAN WE STOP THIS ALREADY?
2.
WHAT'S THAT? I GIVE
YOUR APOLOGY... A 2.
AND WHAT DO I GET FOR A 2?
OH, WELL, FOR A 10, YOU WOULD
HAVE GOTTEN ALL OF THIS,
MICHAEL, ALL NIGHT LONG,
IN THE OUTFIT OF YOUR CHOICE.
AND FOR THE 2?
FOR THE 2, YOU GET 5 MINUTES
ALONE IN THE BATHROOM
WITH A COPY OF "TROUT MONTHLY"
AND NONE OF THIS...
NONE OF THIS,
MICHAEL.
NONE OF THIS.
NONE. NONE.
FRANKLIN,
I'VE GOT A PROBLEM.
OHH, THAT'S
THE UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR.
YOU'VE GOT MANY PROBLEMS,
BUT WHICH PROBLEM IN PARTICULAR
DO YOU WANT ME TO FOCUS ON?
THE SWEETHEART'S DAY
PROBLEM.
OH, SO YOU MEAN
THE SWEETHEART'S DAY "DEBACLE"?
YOU MEAN
THE SWEETHEART'S DAY "MASSACRE"?
YOU MEAN THE NIGHTMARE
ON "SWEETHEART'S DAY"?
"YES,
THAT'S WHAT I MEAN."
LOOK, MR. KYLE,
AS SOON AS TONY OPENED
HIS BIG MOUTH, YOU WERE DOOMED.
NOW ALL YOU CAN DO IS ADMIT
YOU WERE WRONG, GROVEL,
AND HOPE FOR THE BEST.
I'VE DONE ALL THAT,
AND IT'S STILL GOT ME
SLEEPING ON THE COUCH.
WELL, YOU HAVE TO MAKE MRS. KYLE
FEEL LIKE SHE'S A 10.
AND HOW DO I DO THAT?
SIMPLE... LAVISH HER
WITH "AT-TEN-TION."
[ CHUCKLES ]
AND WHAT IF THAT
DOESN'T WORK?
WELL, THEN, IT BECOMES
SWEETHEART'S DAY OF "THE CORN."
[ LAUGHING ]
[ LAUGHING ]
WHAT'S ALL THIS?
MMM.
SOMETHING SMELLS GOOD.
[ French accent ] THE SOMETHING
YOU SMELL IS A PORK ROAST,
BROWNING LOVINGLY
AND GLAZED TO PERFECTION
IN THE "HHH-OVEN."
IN THE HHH-OVEN?
IN THE HHH-OVEN.
AND WHY ARE YOU IN A TUX?
BECAUSE I'M TRYING
TO LOOK GOOD FOR MY...
HOW DO YOU SAY... BABY.
AND WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?
WELL, SO THEY WOULD NOT
BOTHER US FOR THE EVENING,
I HAD THEM ALL KILLED.
OH.
THAT'S ACTUALLY KADY IN THE OVEN
AND COOKING RIGHT NOW.
OH, HOW DELIGHTFUL.
OH, YES, PLEASE, HAVE
A SEAT, MADEMOISELLE.
THANK YOU.
MAY I POUR YOU
A GLASS OF VINO?
YOU MAY.
[ CHUCKLES ]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
OH, OH.
I WILL JOIN YOU.
NOW, MAY I MASSAGE
YOUR FEET?
NO, MICHAEL,
THAT'S GOING TOO FAR.
Shh!
LET ME MASSAGE THE LOVELY FEET,
POUR A LITTLE WINE.
NO, MICHAEL, THAT'S UNNECESSARY.
NO... AAH!
LUBRICANT AND TO KILL
THE GERMS.
WHOA-OH.
HOW DOES THAT FEEL?
OOH.
IT FEELS GOOD, HUH, YES?
OOH.
YES? NO?
YES.
I'LL TAKE THAT AS "YES."
OKAY, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT, WAIT.
NO.
I LOVE THE FEET.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
OKAY, LISTEN,
I LOVE WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
I REALLY DO,
AND I REALLY APPRECIATE IT,
BUT I'M NOT READY
TO NOT BE ANGRY AT YOU.
I'M SORRY.
[ Normal voice ] I KNOW.
AND I DON'T BLAME YOU.
HERE'S THE APOLOGY I SHOULD HAVE
GIVEN YOU EARLIER.
JAY, I WAS WRONG.
YOU AND I HAVE BEEN
THROUGH A LOT TOGETHER,
AND EVEN THOUGH WE HAD
UPS AND DOWNS,
YOU'VE ALWAYS
BEEN THERE FOR ME.
I LOST SIGHT OF THAT,
BUT I DO LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU FOR GIVING ME
THREE BIG-HEADED KIDS.
AND I LOVE YOU FOR BEING
THE BEST WOMAN
THAT A MAN COULD EVER HAVE.
AND AS FAR
AS I'M CONCERNED,
WITH YOU, EVERY DAY
IS SWEETHEART'S DAY...
...EVEN THOUGH
YOU MADE IT UP.
DO YOU REALLY MEAN THAT,
MICHAEL?
I REALLY DO.
YOU'LL ALWAYS BE A 10 TO ME.
THANK YOU.
WELL?
UH, YEAH.
UM...
9.
A 9?
I SEE 9.
I'M SORRY. IT'S A 9.
9's GOOD.
OKAY, WELL, YOU'RE DEFINITELY
GONNA MAKE IT A 10
ONCE YOU SEE THE DIAMOND
I GOT YOU.
[ GASPS ]
WHERE IS IT?
I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT.
IT'S DEFINITELY A RING.
WHOO!
[ LAUGHING ]
COME ON, JAY.
I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT
YOUR FEELINGS.
CAN WE STOP THIS ALREADY?
[ LAUGHING ]
IT'S ACTUALLY KIND OF
LIKE A FUNNY...
I WILL PROTECT YOU.
GO AHEAD...
THERE'S A BEE.
GO UPSTAIRS
AND GET SOMETHING...
YOU BETTER PUT SOMETHING
ON THAT... SOME OINTMENT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I CHALLENGE YOU TO
A WATER-DRINKING DUEL.
WHAT THE HECK
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU HEARD ME...
A WATER-DRINKING DUEL,
MANO A MANO, AGUA A AGUA.
TO THE VICTOR GO THE SPOILS.
HA!
[ Laughing ] AND WHY
ARE YOU DOING THIS?
BECAUSE I'M TIRED OF YOU BEATING
ME IN EVERY CONTEST WE HAVE.
YOU'RE TALLER THAN ME,
STRONGER, FASTER. BETTER-LOOKING.
YEAH, YOU'RE SEXY WITH YOUR BROAD
SHOULDERS AND YOUR DEFINED PECS.
BUT I MAY NOT BE ABLE
TO OUTFOOSBALL YOU.
I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE
TO OUTBOX YOU.
I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE
TO OUTRUN YOU.
BUT I CAN DRINK A BOTTLE
OF WATER FASTER THAN YOU.
I'VE BEEN PRACTICING.
AND YOU REALLY WANT
TO DO THIS?
I BELIEVE I MUST.
OKAY. I MUST WARN YOU THAT
I'M GONNA BEAT YOU AGAIN.
I LAUGH ON YOUR LAPEL.
HA HA!
YOU MAY BE SUPERMAN,
BUT THIS BOTTLE OF WATER
IS YOUR KRYPTONITE... READY?
OKAY, HOLD ON A SECOND.
LET ME WARM UP MY THROAT.
OH-OH-UG-UG-UG-UG-UG.
OKAY.
ON YOUR MARK, GET SET, GO.
GO! OH, MAN.
OH, MAN,
I CAN'T... WHOA.
LOOK AT... WHOO!
OH, MAN.
I WIN! IN YOUR FACE, DADDY!
IN YOUR FACE!
BOOYASHAKA!
WOW.
I DIDN'T EVEN GET THE CAP OFF.
YOU GOOD. ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO
THE BEST TWO OUT OF THREE.
ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
EY-EY-EY-EY-EY.
OKAY.
HERE'S YOUR TWO
AND THEN THERE'S THE THREE.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU GOT THE CAP
OFF THIS TIME?
READY... SET... GO!
GO!
WOW.
HOW YOU... MMM.
KEEP GOING,
'CAUSE YOU GOT TO DO THREE.
I WIN AGAIN, DADDY!
IN YOUR FACE, DADDY!
IN YOUR FACE!
YOU BEEN HYDROLATED.
OH, MAN,
YOU BEAT ME AGAIN.
I SURE DID.
YOU'VE BEEN...
I BEAT YOU.
WOW. YOU GOT TO GIVE ME
ANOTHER SHOT, SON.
LET'S DO THE BEST
52 OUT OF 165, OKAY?
OKAY, OKAY.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS
DOING?
YOU'RE JUST IN TIME FOR THE KYLE
WATER-DRINKING COMPETITION.
JUNIOR IS LIKE A LITTLE CAMEL.
LOOK AT THIS.
ALL OF THAT, AND STILL
AIN'T GO TO THE BATHROOM YET.
YEAH, I DID.
YOU DID? WHEN?
JUST NOW.
OH.
WELL,
FORGET ABOUT ALL THAT.
I HAVE SOMETHING
MORE IMPORTANT TO DISCUSS.
THIS SATURDAY
IS SWEETHEART'S DAY.
SWEETHEART'S DAY?
I NEVER HEARD OF THAT ONE.
I JUST MADE IT UP.
YOU WANT ME TO BUY YOU A CARD
FOR A DAY YOU JUST MADE UP?
WHOA, BROTHER.
I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT A CARD.
I WANT DIAMONDS.
DIAMONDS.
I NEED TO COME UP WITH A HOLIDAY
THAT'S FAKE LIKE THIS.
YOU DO,
BUT YOU DIDN'T... I DID.
GOT IT.
HA HA HA!
OH, YOU'RE IN
THIS LITTLE SCAM, TOO?
YEAH, I WANT
SOME DIAMONDS, TOO.
AFTER 16 HOURS
LAYING ON MY BACK,
TRYING TO SQUEEZE
JUNIOR JUNIOR'S BIG HEAD OUT,
I WANT A DIAMOND
FOR EVERY STITCH.
DON'T FORGET ABOUT
THE STRETCH MARKS, GIRL.
[ LAUGHING ]
I DIDN'T GET
ANY OF THOSE.
[ COUGHING ]
I PROMISE
I'LL GET YOU SOMETHING.
FOR WHAT?
SWEETHEART'S DAY.
WHAT'S THAT? YOUR
MOTHER JUST MADE IT UP
TO EXTORT PRESENTS OUT OF
ALL THE MEN IN THIS FAMILY.
WELL, THAT SOUNDS GOOD.
COUNT ME IN.
OKAY, SO NOW THAT WE GOT
ALL THAT STRAIGHT,
Y'ALL CAN GO BACK TO YOUR
STUPID LITTLE DRINKING CONTEST.
BYE-BYE.
COME ON, LADIES.
ALL RIGHT,
JUNIOR, LOOK.
WE GOT TO MAKE THIS
INTERESTING, OKAY?
WE GOT TO UP THE ANTE,
BECAUSE YOU'RE SO GOOD AT THIS.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
THIS IS WHAT
WE GONNA DO.
OKAY.
[ GROANS ]
NOW LET'S SEE HOW GOOD
YOU REALLY ARE.
YOU DRINK THIS.
GO AHEAD. COME ON.
YOU THE CHAMP.
HERE.
TAKE THE TOP OFF FOR YOU.
READY?
ON THE COUNT OF 3... LET ME
GET THE TOP OFF FIRST,
'CAUSE I KNOW YOU'LL JUST
GUZZLE THAT DOWN RIGHT AWAY.
COME ON.
1... 2... 3... GO!
MM-MMM.
Michael: WOW, THAT CERTAINLY IS
IS BEAUTIFUL.
HOW MUCH IS IT?
MICHAEL JORDAN!
EXCUSE ME?
I DON'T USE
THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN.
I SAY THE NEXT BEST THING.
THAT'S... THAT'S EXPENSIVE.
CAN YOU BELIEVE MY WIFE
ACTUALLY MADE UP A HOLIDAY
CALLED "SWEETHEART'S DAY"
SO SHE CAN GET
SOME DIAMONDS OUT OF ME?
OH, YOU GOT OFF EASY.
I ONCE MADE UP A HOLIDAY
CALLED "HONEY'S WEEK."
I GOT MYSELF A HOUSE.
OH, WELL, THE DIAMONDS
ARE NOT THAT BAD, THEN.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
LET ME SEE THE CHEAPER ONE
I WAS LOOKING AT EARLIER.
YEAH, THESE.
THAT'S NOT THAT BAD, I MEAN,
FOR SWEETHEART'S DAY.
IT'S JUST
A NONSENSE HOLIDAY, ANYWAY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
I THINK IT LOOKS LIKE
WHAT IT IS...
THE CHEAPER ONE.
SO I SHOULD PROBABLY GO
WITH THAT?
SHE WILL LOVE IT.
DO YOU WANT IT IN THE GOLD
SETTING OR THE PLATINUM?
GOLD OR PLATINUM...
THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.
LET ME CALL HER AND ASK HER...
SEE WHAT MY BABY THINK.
[ CHUCKLES ]
I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU'RE WEARING MY SHIRT!
IT'S TOO TIGHT ON YOU!
IT FITS ME PERFECTLY,
YOU LITTLE MAGGOT!
WHAT'S THE POINT OF WEARING
A SHIRT THAT'S NOT TIGHT?!
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY
YOU HAVE TO WEAR MY CLOTHES!
BECAUSE IT WAS CLEAN!
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY,
IHEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!
LOOK, MY HEAD IS POUNDING
FROM ALL OF THIS ARGUING, OKAY?!
I AM TRYING
TO FEED THE BABY.
[ TELEPHONE RINGING ] GET
THAT. I'M SURE IT'S FOR ONE OF YOU.
ANYONE I WANT TO TALK
TO CALLS MY CELL. DITTO.
I'LL GET IT.
HELLO?
Michael:
HEY, SCHNOOKUMS.
IS THIS MY FAVORITE GIRL
IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD?
WHO IS THIS?
WHO IS... IT'S MICHAEL.
MICHAEL?
YEAH, MICHAEL,
YOUR HUSBAND.
OKAY, MICHAEL,
CUT THE CUTE CRAP, OKAY?
I'M IN THE MIDDLE
OF SOMETHING.
YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SAY,
SAY IT.
I'M... YOU KNOW WHAT?
NEVER MIND.
FINE.
SHE IS GOING TO LOVE THIS.
SHE SURE IS... I'M GONNA SEND
HER BY AND LET HER LOOK AT IT,
BUT I'M GONNA GO
WITH THE CHEAPER ONE.
DO YOU WANT ME TO WRAP IT?
NO. I'LL JUST PUT IT
IN MY POCKET.
I'M WITH THAT.
OOH-HOO!
ALL RIGHT.
I'M GONNA SEE YOUR TWO PRETZELS
AND RAISE YOU FIVE
WITH THIS HAND.
HAS ANYONE BOUGHT
THEIR GIFT YET?
NO, NO.
I HAVE TO GO DO THAT.
YEAH, ME TOO.
I DISCOVERED
SOMETHING TODAY
THAT WILL CHANGE
THE COURSE OF GIFT-GIVING
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
WHAT DID YOU DISCOVER?
CHECK THIS OUT.
JUST BEFORE I SPENT
A BUNCH OF MONEY
ON A GIFT
FOR YOUR MOTHER,
I CALLED HER AT HOME, AND SHE
WAS SO MEAN AND NASTY TO ME,
I ENDED UP BUYING
THE CHEAPER GIFT INSTEAD.
WHOO.
THAT IS GOOD.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS CALL YOUR
SIGNIFICANT OTHER ON THE PHONE
RIGHT BEFORE YOU'RE ABOUT
TO MAKE A PURCHASE,
AND I GUARANTEE YOU, YOU WILL
SAVE YOURSELF A FORTUNE.
THAT IS A GOOD IDEA, DAD.
SEE, WHAT YOU DO
IS YOU CALL HER,
AND THEN YOU RATE HER ATTITUDE
TOWARD YOU ON A 1-TO-10 SCALE.
AND THEN,
WHATEVER THAT NUMBER IS,
THAT'S HOW YOU DETERMINE HOW
MUCH YOU'RE GONNA SPEND ON HER.
HUH? HUH?
I THINK WHAT MR. KYLE
IS TRYING TO SAY IS,
IF YOU CALL YOUR GIRL AND RATE
HER ATTITUDE TOWARD YOU AS 7,
THEN THAT'S HOW MUCH MONEY
YOU'D SPEND ON HER... $70.
EXACTLY,
AND IT'S GUILT-FREE SAVINGS.
OOH. HEY, DAD.
WHAT DID YOU RATE MOM TODAY?
[ LAUGHS ]
A 3.
OH, MAN.
MAMA GOT A 3, Y'ALL.
OH, THAT IS
A DARN GOOD SAVINGS.
HERE'S THE GIFT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THIS IS HOW
I'M GONNA GIVE IT TO HER...
"HERE'S YOUR GIFT, BABY.
HAPPY SWEETHEART'S DAY."
OH.
SO, FRANKIE, BABY,
DID YOU TRY OUT MY PLAN?
YES, AND, AS MUCH AS IT PAINS ME
TO TELL YOU, MR. KYLE,
KADY WAS A TAD SHORT WITH ME
ON THE PHONE, AS WELL.
ISN'T EVERYBODY SHORT
WITH YOU, FRANKLIN?
[ LAUGHING ]
SIT DOWN, BOY.
DID YOU TRY OUT
THE SYSTEM?
YEP,
AND IT SAVED ME $20.
OH, SHE WAS MEAN TO YOU
ON THE PHONE?
YEAH, I THINK SO. SHE CALLED ME
"THE THING STUCK TO THE RING."
OH, THAT IS GOOD.
THAT'S GOOD.
LOOK AT THOSE WOMEN
IN THERE.
THEY HAVE NO IDEA THAT THEY HURT
THEMSELVES BY HURTING US.
Tony: HEY, GUYS.
OH, TONY'S HERE.
DID YOU TRY OUT THE SYSTEM?
I'M ABOUT TO.
THIS IS A PROMISE RING
I GOT FROM A JEWELRY STORE,
AND THIS IS A PROMISE RING
I GOT FROM A GUMBALL MACHINE
OUTSIDE
OF THE JEWELRY STORE.
LET'S SEE WHICH ONE SHE GETS
AND WHICH ONE GETS RETURNED.
HERE SHE COMES.
HEY, SWEETHEART.
DON'T "SWEETHEART" ME.
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE
A HALF HOUR AGO.
EVERYBODY ELSE IS HERE.
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, YOU LOSER?
NO PROBLEM AT ALL.
GUMBALL MACHINE?
GUMBALL MACHINE.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS,
AND I WANT TO GO FIRST
TO SHOW YOU GUYS
HOW THE PRO GETS IT DONE.
LADIES, LADIES, MAY WE HAVE
YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE?
YOU SURE MAY.
IN HONOR
OF SWEETHEART'S DAY,
CREATED BY
THE LOVELY SWEETHEART HERSELF,
MS. JANET MARIE KYLE,
WE THE MEN IN YOUR LIVES
HAVE GIFTS FOR YOU.
OH!
AND I, BEING
THE ELDER STATESMAN,
WOULD LIKE TO GO FIRST.
OH!
I'M FIRST.
JAY KYLE,
OPEN YOUR GIFT, BABY.
THANK YOU, BABY!
THANK YOU FOR MY DIAMOND...
PEARLS.
THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL,
AREN'T THEY?
UM...
YES,
THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL, MICHAEL.
AND, YOU KNOW, MICHAEL,
IT'S NOT THE GIFT.
IT'S THE THOUGHT,
IT'S THE ACKNOWLEDGMENT
THAT MEANS SOMETHING TO ME,
SO THANK YOU.
IF YOU LIKED THOSE,
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN
WHAT YOU WOULD HAVE GOT
IF YOU HADN'T BEEN... OH!
YOU SEE THAT HORNET?
THERE WAS A HORNET THAT LANDED
RIGHT THERE ON YOUR HEAD, MAN.
GOOD THING I CHASED IT AWAY.
I WOULDN'T WANT YOU
TO GET STUNG.
WELL, THANK YOU FOR SAVING,
MR. KYLE.
BUT AS I WAS SAYING
TO MRS. KYLE, YOU... OW!
IT MUST HAVE COME BACK.
ARE YOU USING HONEY SHAMPOO?
NO!
NO, LAVENDER.
OH, MAN.
BUT AS I WAS SAYING...
LISTEN, STUPID!
HE'S-KA TRYING-KA
TO-KA TELL-KA YOU-KA
NOT-KA TO-KA SAY ANYTHING-KA
ABOUT THE WOMEN
RATING SYSTEM-KA.
IT'S A SECRET.
SHH-KA.
WHAT THE KA IS GOING ON
AROUND HERE?
OH, NO, NO.
SHE BROKE THE CODE, MAN.
OHH. MNH-MNH-MNH.
SOMEBODY BETTER
TELL ME SOMETHING.
IT'S A REALLY
FUNNY STORY.
I WILL PROTECT YOU, TONY.
GO AHEAD. TALK TO ME.
MR. KYLE HAD THIS
INTERESTING NEW IDEA WHERE,
BEFORE WE BOUGHT
YOU GUYS A GIFT,
WE CALLED YOU AND RATED
YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARD US
ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10.
IT WAS A GAG.
YOU GOT A 3.
A 3?!
A 3?!
THE SCALE WAS ON
A SCALE OF 1 TO 3,
AND IT WAS BACKWARDS,
AND SO YOU CAME OUT ON TOP.
NO, NO, NO, IT WASN'T.
BUT... BUT IT WASN'T
JUST ME, BABY.
WE ALL DID IT...
ALL THE GUYS.
WE ALL GOT YOU... YEAH, WE DID.
SHOW HER YOUR GIFT.
FOR YOU, MY LOVE.
[ GASPS ]
DIAMONDS, FRANKLIN.
HOW SWEET. SO CUTE.
WELL, I KNOW
TONY, TONY...
YOU KNOW, TONY'S
PROBABLY GOT SOMETHING.
WHAT ABOUT YOU,
TONY?
GIVE HER
THE GUMBALL THING.
NO, I GOT THAT
FOR MY MOM.
ANYWAY,
THIS IS FOR YOU.
[ GASPS ]
OH, A DIAMOND.
TONY, THANK YOU.
OH, I LOVE IT.
[ SMOOCHES ]
I KNOW JUNIOR DIDN'T GET
NO DIAMOND, RIGHT?
YOU'RE TOO DUMB
TO GET HER DIAMONDS.
NO, I'M NOT.
NO?
BABY, I GOT YOU
THE DIAMOND YOU WANTED
WHEN WE FIRST STARTED DATING.
I SAVED UP MONEY FOR IT
BY SKIPPING LUNCH, GIVING BLOOD,
AND SELLING MY HAIR
FOR HAIR TRANSPLANTS.
ANYWAY, HAPPY
SWEETHEART'S DAY, BABY.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU, JU-JU!
YOU'RE WELCOME, BABY!
MMM! MMM! MMM! MMM! MMM! MMM!
I LOVE YOU, TONY!
I LOVE YOU, FRANKLIN.
YOU A JERK.
OH, HE WAS GONNA THROW IT
ON YOUR HEAD LIKE THAT.
REMEMBER THAT?
OH!
Jay:
UNBELIEVABLE.
THE MAN RATES ME A 3...
A 3, LORD.
Jay:
UNBELIEVABLE.
THE MAN RATES ME A 3...
A 3, LORD.
I SHOULD BE A 6
FOR JUST MARRYING HIM.
COME ON, JAY. YOU DON'T HAVE
TO TAKE IT TO THE LORD.
THIS IS NO BIG DEAL.
MICHAEL, YOU SAID I WAS A 3...
A 3? A 3, MICHAEL?!
OKAY, BUT, LISTEN,
IN ALL FAIRNESS TO ME,
YOU WERE REALLY MEAN WHEN I
CALLED YOU FOR NO REASON AT ALL.
NO REASON?!
WHAT DO YOU THINK...
I'M JUST PSYCHOTIC?
THAT I JUST GO BERSERK
AT THE DROP OF A DIME?
WELL...
SHUT UP!
MICHAEL, THERE WAS A REASON
WHY I WAS SHORT WITH YOU.
THIS HOUSE WAS IN CHAOS.
THE KIDS WERE FIGHTING.
I WAS TRYING TO FEED THE BABY.
I AM VERY SORRY
THAT I DIDN'T GIVE YOU
THE PROPER LOVE AND AFFECTION
YOU FELT YOU HAD COMING
AT THAT PARTICULAR MOMENT,
BUT I MISTAKENLY THOUGHT
THAT YOU WERE THE ONLY MAN ON
EARTH I COULD BE UNGUARDED WITH.
SEE, BUT,
AT THAT PARTICULAR MOMENT...
AND LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT
PARTICULAR MOMENT, SHALL WE?
YES, WE SHALL.
NOW, YOU ARE SAYING TO ME...
[ LAUGHING ]
...IN THIS BIG SCHEME
OF YOURS,
THAT ANY EXPRESSION OF LOVE
THAT YOU GIVE TO ME
IS SOLELY DEPENDENT
UPON HOW I ACT TOWARDS YOU
AT SOME PARTICULAR
RANDOM MOMENT OF YOUR CHOOSING.
WELL, THAT'S
THE INITIAL IDEA, BUT...
AND I GUESS I GET NO CREDIT
FOR RUINING MY BODY...
AND GIVING BIRTH TO YOUR
THREE BIG-HEADED KIDS.
WHAT WAS MY SCORE
ON THAT, MICHAEL?
AND WHAT WAS MY SCORE
WHEN I WAS WORKING THE NIGHT
SHIFT AT THE SUPERMARKET,
TRYING TO HELP YOU GET YOUR
TRUCKING COMPANY OFF THE GROUND,
AFTER WATCHING LITTLE JUNIOR
ALL DAY LONG?
AND WHAT WAS MY SCORE
ON LOVING YOU
WHILE YOU WERE
LOSING YOUR HAIR?
"AM I LOSING MY HAIR?
AM I LOSING MY HAIR?
IS MY HAIR ON THE PILLOW?
IS IT THIN IN THE BACK?
IS IT THIN IN THE BACK?
IS IT THIN IN THE BACK?"
WHAT WAS MY SCORE
ON THAT, BALDY?!
10?
DAMN RIGHT IT WAS A 10!
MICHAEL, NOT ONLY DID YOU HURT
ME, BUT YOU DID IT PUBLICLY.
YOU MADE A JOKE OUT OF IT.
I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.
IT DIDN'T GO
THAT FAR BACK.
OKAY, WHO WANTS
MORE BLUEBERRY WAFFLES?
ME, ME!
ME, ME! ME, ME!
ROUND TWO... COMING UP.
Michael:
HOLD UP.
ARE THOSE JAY'S FAMOUS
BLUEBERRY WAFFLES THAT I SMELL?
THEY SURE ARE.
ONLY THING I LOVE MORE THAN
THOSE WAFFLES IS JAY HERSELF.
[ LAUGHS ]
4.
YOU'RE RATING ME
ON WALKING INTO THE KITCHEN?
I'M SORRY.
DOES THAT SEEM UNFAIR TO YOU?
DON'T YOU LIKE BEING JUDGED
AT MY WHIM?
I DON'T MIND. I JUST THOUGHT
I DID BETTER THAN A 4.
THERE'S NO JURY HERE, MICHAEL.
THERE'S NO INSTANT REPLAY.
IT'S ALL UP TO ME,
AND I SAY 4!
4?
HERE.
ENJOY YOUR BREAKFAST.
WHAT'S THIS...
UNCOOKED BACON?
WHAT I AM SUPPOSED
TO DO WITH THIS?
WHAT ABOUT
THE BLUEBERRY WAFFLES?
NO, THE BLUEBERRY WAFFLES
ARE FOR MY 10s.
EVERYBODY HERE GOT A 10?
10.
10.10.
10-KA.
ENJOY YOUR BACON.
HOW'S THAT LOOK, SON?
CAN YOU TELL THAT IT'S BACON?
THAT'S YOU.
OKAY.
I DIDN'T MEAN
TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS.
CAN WE STOP THIS ALREADY?
2.
WHAT'S THAT? I GIVE
YOUR APOLOGY... A 2.
AND WHAT DO I GET FOR A 2?
OH, WELL, FOR A 10, YOU WOULD
HAVE GOTTEN ALL OF THIS,
MICHAEL, ALL NIGHT LONG,
IN THE OUTFIT OF YOUR CHOICE.
AND FOR THE 2?
FOR THE 2, YOU GET 5 MINUTES
ALONE IN THE BATHROOM
WITH A COPY OF "TROUT MONTHLY"
AND NONE OF THIS...
NONE OF THIS,
MICHAEL.
NONE OF THIS.
NONE. NONE.
FRANKLIN,
I'VE GOT A PROBLEM.
OHH, THAT'S
THE UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR.
YOU'VE GOT MANY PROBLEMS,
BUT WHICH PROBLEM IN PARTICULAR
DO YOU WANT ME TO FOCUS ON?
THE SWEETHEART'S DAY
PROBLEM.
OH, SO YOU MEAN
THE SWEETHEART'S DAY "DEBACLE"?
YOU MEAN
THE SWEETHEART'S DAY "MASSACRE"?
YOU MEAN THE NIGHTMARE
ON "SWEETHEART'S DAY"?
"YES,
THAT'S WHAT I MEAN."
LOOK, MR. KYLE,
AS SOON AS TONY OPENED
HIS BIG MOUTH, YOU WERE DOOMED.
NOW ALL YOU CAN DO IS ADMIT
YOU WERE WRONG, GROVEL,
AND HOPE FOR THE BEST.
I'VE DONE ALL THAT,
AND IT'S STILL GOT ME
SLEEPING ON THE COUCH.
WELL, YOU HAVE TO MAKE MRS. KYLE
FEEL LIKE SHE'S A 10.
AND HOW DO I DO THAT?
SIMPLE... LAVISH HER
WITH "AT-TEN-TION."
[ CHUCKLES ]
AND WHAT IF THAT
DOESN'T WORK?
WELL, THEN, IT BECOMES
SWEETHEART'S DAY OF "THE CORN."
[ LAUGHING ]
[ LAUGHING ]
WHAT'S ALL THIS?
MMM.
SOMETHING SMELLS GOOD.
[ French accent ] THE SOMETHING
YOU SMELL IS A PORK ROAST,
BROWNING LOVINGLY
AND GLAZED TO PERFECTION
IN THE "HHH-OVEN."
IN THE HHH-OVEN?
IN THE HHH-OVEN.
AND WHY ARE YOU IN A TUX?
BECAUSE I'M TRYING
TO LOOK GOOD FOR MY...
HOW DO YOU SAY... BABY.
AND WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?
WELL, SO THEY WOULD NOT
BOTHER US FOR THE EVENING,
I HAD THEM ALL KILLED.
OH.
THAT'S ACTUALLY KADY IN THE OVEN
AND COOKING RIGHT NOW.
OH, HOW DELIGHTFUL.
OH, YES, PLEASE, HAVE
A SEAT, MADEMOISELLE.
THANK YOU.
MAY I POUR YOU
A GLASS OF VINO?
YOU MAY.
[ CHUCKLES ]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
OH, OH.
I WILL JOIN YOU.
NOW, MAY I MASSAGE
YOUR FEET?
NO, MICHAEL,
THAT'S GOING TOO FAR.
Shh!
LET ME MASSAGE THE LOVELY FEET,
POUR A LITTLE WINE.
NO, MICHAEL, THAT'S UNNECESSARY.
NO... AAH!
LUBRICANT AND TO KILL
THE GERMS.
WHOA-OH.
HOW DOES THAT FEEL?
OOH.
IT FEELS GOOD, HUH, YES?
OOH.
YES? NO?
YES.
I'LL TAKE THAT AS "YES."
OKAY, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT, WAIT.
NO.
I LOVE THE FEET.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
OKAY, LISTEN,
I LOVE WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
I REALLY DO,
AND I REALLY APPRECIATE IT,
BUT I'M NOT READY
TO NOT BE ANGRY AT YOU.
I'M SORRY.
[ Normal voice ] I KNOW.
AND I DON'T BLAME YOU.
HERE'S THE APOLOGY I SHOULD HAVE
GIVEN YOU EARLIER.
JAY, I WAS WRONG.
YOU AND I HAVE BEEN
THROUGH A LOT TOGETHER,
AND EVEN THOUGH WE HAD
UPS AND DOWNS,
YOU'VE ALWAYS
BEEN THERE FOR ME.
I LOST SIGHT OF THAT,
BUT I DO LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU FOR GIVING ME
THREE BIG-HEADED KIDS.
AND I LOVE YOU FOR BEING
THE BEST WOMAN
THAT A MAN COULD EVER HAVE.
AND AS FAR
AS I'M CONCERNED,
WITH YOU, EVERY DAY
IS SWEETHEART'S DAY...
...EVEN THOUGH
YOU MADE IT UP.
DO YOU REALLY MEAN THAT,
MICHAEL?
I REALLY DO.
YOU'LL ALWAYS BE A 10 TO ME.
THANK YOU.
WELL?
UH, YEAH.
UM...
9.
A 9?
I SEE 9.
I'M SORRY. IT'S A 9.
9's GOOD.
OKAY, WELL, YOU'RE DEFINITELY
GONNA MAKE IT A 10
ONCE YOU SEE THE DIAMOND
I GOT YOU.
[ GASPS ]
WHERE IS IT?
I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT.
IT'S DEFINITELY A RING.
WHOO!
[ LAUGHING ]
COME ON, JAY.
I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT
YOUR FEELINGS.
CAN WE STOP THIS ALREADY?
[ LAUGHING ]
IT'S ACTUALLY KIND OF
LIKE A FUNNY...
I WILL PROTECT YOU.
GO AHEAD...
THERE'S A BEE.
GO UPSTAIRS
AND GET SOMETHING...
YOU BETTER PUT SOMETHING
ON THAT... SOME OINTMENT.
[ LAUGHTER ]