My Wife and Kids (2001–2005): Season 5, Episode 13 - Study Buddy - full transcript

HEY, BABE.

WELL, WELL, WELL.

LOOK WHO'S HERE.
CAN'T BE MY WIFE.

I MEAN,
SHE SOUNDS LIKE HER.

[ SNIFFING ]
SHE SMELLS LIKE HER.

OH, MY GOD, IT IS HER.

STOP IT, MICHAEL.

I WAS STUDYING.
TIME GOT AWAY FROM ME.

OH, TIME GOT AWAY, HUH?

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

HOLD ON.



HELLO?
SO IT DOES WORK!

YOU KNOW WHAT, JAY?
I'M GONNA FORGIVE YOU.

JUST GET DRESSED.
LET'S GO OUT ON OUR DINNER DATE.

OOH. UH...

UH?
UM...

DON'T TELL ME YOU FORGOT.
IS IT DATE NIGHT AGAIN?

JAY, YOU FORGOT AGAIN?!

YOU FORGOT LAST WEEK.

YOU CANCELED ON ME
THE WEEK BEFORE.

I'M SORRY!
WHAT IS THIS, HUH?

YOU KNOW, I WORK REALLY HARD
TO SET THESE THINGS UP.

RESERVATIONS JUST DON'T
MAKE THEMSELVES, JAY.

YOU GOT TO CALL IN ADVANCE,

AND THEN I GO THROUGH
ALL THIS TROUBLE



TO MAKE MYSELF LOOK GOOD
FOR YOU.

I SHAVED MY HAIR,
I TOOK A SHOWER,

AND DID YOU EVEN NOTICE
THAT THIS SHIRT IS NEW?

NO.

BECAUSE ALL YOU'RE THINKING
ABOUT IS THAT STUPID SCHOOL,

AND IF YOU LOVE THE SCHOOL
SO MUCH,

THEN WHY DON'T YOU MARRY IT?!

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I'M NOT ONE OF YOUR BOOKS.
DON'T TOUCH ME.

OKAY, I'M SORRY.

I'VE BEEN STUDYING
EXTRA HARD, MICHAEL,

'CAUSE IT'S FINAL-EXAM TIME,
AND YOU KNOW WHAT, MICHAEL?

I THINK PROFESSOR TILLMAN
HAS IT IN FOR ME.

NOW, WHY WOULD HE
JUST SINGLE YOU OUT? SEE?

IT'S SOMETHING SILLY,

SOMETHING THAT HE MIGHT
HAVE EVEN OVERHEARD ME SAY

ABOUT HIS MASTER THESIS.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?
NOTHING. NOTHING.

ALL I SAID WAS,
IT WAS A POORLY WRITTEN

UNSUBSTANTIATED
PIECE OF CRAP.

THAT'S IT?
YEAH!

AND HE GOT UPSET ABOUT THAT?

SEE?
HOW OVERLY SENSITIVE.

I KNOW.
HE'S SUCH AN EGOMANIAC.

HE'S EVEN TRYING TO GET
A LIBRARY BUILT IN HIS NAME.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I KNOW, IT'S A TRIP.

YEAH, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHAT?

I DON'T CARE.

I DON'T CARE
ABOUT YOUR SCHOOL.

I DON'T CARE
ABOUT YOUR TEACHER.

I DON'T CARE IF YOU PASS
OR FAIL THE TEST.

ALL I CARE ABOUT IS YOU SPENDING
SOME QUALITY TIME WITH ME!

I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHERE WE'RE AT

IN THIS RELATIONSHIP
ANYMORE, JAY!

SO YOU NEED TO REASSURE ME!

MICHAEL, FINE.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT.

I'LL GO CHANGE IF
IT'S THAT IMPORTANT TO YOU.

IT IS.
OKAY.

FINE, I'LL...
FIVE MINUTES, OKAY?

JUST GIVE ME FIVE
LITTLE MINUTES.

HURRY BECAUSE I NEED
YOU. OKAY, I WILL. I'M GOING.

HEY, WAIT, COULD YOU COME
AND HUG ME SO WE CAN RECONNECT?

I NEED THAT.

OKAY, I'M COMING, MICHAEL.

OKAY.
NO, NO, NOT YET.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

HI, FRANKLIN.

HELLO, MY PEACH.

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

WHO IS THAT?

THIS IS MY FRIEND EMERSON.

AH, NAMED AFTER THE POET
RALPH WALDO EMERSON, I PRESUME?

WHY, YES.
MY PARENTS LOVED HIM.

THEY JUST DIDN'T THINK
RALPH OR WALDO SUITED ME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T KNOW.
YOU LOOK LIKE A WALDO TO ME.

[ LAUGHS ]

O-KAY.

WE WERE JUST PAINTING.

WOW, THIS IS MAGNIFICENT.
I LOVE YOUR PALETTE.

I SEE SOMEONE HAS BEEN HEAVILY
INFLUENCED BY VAN GOGH.

HEY! HEY! HEY, LOOK AT MINE.

LOOK, I PAINTED SOMETHING,
TOO, FRANKLIN.

WHAT A FANTASTIC ARMADILLO.

IT'S A SELF-PORTRAIT!

[ WHIMPERS ]
AWKWARD MOMENT.

PREGNANT PAUSE.

ANYHOO, ARE YOU READY
FOR YOUR PIANO LESSON?

NO, I'M AFRAID MY ARMADILLO
CLAWS MIGHT SCRATCH THE KEYS.

WHY, DON'T TELL ME YOU FIDDLE
WITH THE OLD 88s.

CARE TO JOIN ME
FOR A [PLAYS NOTES]

IMPROMPTU CONCERTO?

INDUBITABLY.

[ PIANO PLAYS ]

SEE, ISN'T IT NICE
JUST TO SPEND AN HOUR

NOT TALKING ABOUT
YOUR STUPID HOPES AND DREAMS?

YOU ARE JOKING, RIGHT?

OF COURSE I'M JOKING.

I'M PROUD OF YOU, BABY,

AND I JUST KNOW THAT
YOU'RE GONNA ACE THIS TEST.

THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T WANT
TO TALK ABOUT THAT ANYMORE.

WHAT DO YOU WANT
TO TALK ABOUT?

I WANT TO TALK ABOUT
WHY YOU LOVE ME SO MUCH.

I MEAN, WHAT IS IT
YOU LIKE ABOUT ME THE MOST?

DUCK!
MY DUCK?

IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL
THE THING?

No, Michael, duck!
Duck, it's Professor Tillman!

HIM? Yeah, making
the busboy cry.

Look!

WELL, BABY, THEN THIS IS
THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY

TO SMOOTH OUT
YOUR DIFFERENCES.

NO, NO! HEY, PROFESSOR
TILLMAN, OVER HERE.

YES, MAY I HELP YOU?

UH, YEAH.

UM, LISTEN.

MY NAME IS MICHAEL KYLE,

AND YOU MIGHT KNOW
MY WIFE, JANET.

HI, PROFESSOR TILLMAN.

SHE'S ONE OF YOUR STUDENTS.

OH, MRS. KYLE.
YEAH, MRS. KYLE.

I DO HOPE YOU'RE STUDYING
UNDER THERE.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

PROFESSOR, MY WIFE IS
UNDER THE SILLY IMPRESSION

THAT YOU'RE HOLDING SOME
SORT OF GRUDGE AGAINST HER.

[ Chuckling ]
OH, WHY WOULD I DO THAT?

THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

I MEAN [CHUCKLES] JUST BECAUSE
SHE CALLED MY BRILLIANT THESIS,

WHICH I WORKED ON FOR FIVE YEARS
AND DEDICATED TO MY MOTHER,

GOD REST HER SOUL,

A POORLY WRITTEN,
UNSUBSTANTIATED PIECE OF CRAP!

AWKWARD MOMENT.

YES, WELL, I WISH I COULD
SAY IT WAS A PLEASURE,

BUT I CAN'T.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,
PROFESSOR.

WAIT. Get away.

Didn't you cause enough trouble?

Just go on and sit down.

UH, PROFESSOR, CAN'T WE PUT
THIS LITTLE ACRIMONY BEHIND US

AND BURY THE HATCHET?

MRS. KYLE, MAY I
SPEAK FRANKLY? YES.

YOU KNOW, I GET A LOT OF
BORED HOUSEWIVES IN MY CLASS,

AND THEY TAKE UP SEATS
THAT COULD BE BETTER OCCUPIED

BY PEOPLE WITH MORE PROMISE.

SO GOOD EVENING.

I'M DOOMED.

NOT IF I CAN HELP IT,
JAY.

THAT MAN INSULTED ME
WHEN HE INSULTED YOU,

AND NOBODY STEPS ON
YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS BUT ME.

YOU'RE GONNA ACE THAT TEST
IF IT KILLS YOU.

AND HOW AM I SUPPOSED
TO DO THAT, MICHAEL?

BECAUSE I'M GONNA
BE YOUR STUDY BUDDY,

AND I'M GONNA TUTOR YOU.

WE'LL SHOW HIM.

GOOD MORNING,
MY FAVORITE STUDENT.

CLASS IS NOW IN SESSION.

I'VE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT
STUDYING ON PSYCHOLOGY,

AND I'M HERE TO EDUCATE YOU.

OKAY, IN ONE NIGHT,
YOU LEARNED EVERYTHING

THERE IS TO KNOW
ABOUT PSYCHOLOGY?

SEE, THAT KIND OF CYNICISM
IS DEMONSTRATIVE

OF YOUR LACK OF TRUST
IN MY TEACHING ABILITIES.

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

I DO NOT TRUST
YOUR TEACHING ABILITIES.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

FREUD SAYS THAT
THAT'S YOUR INNER CHILD

WANTING ME TO TAKE YOU UPSTAIRS
AND SPANK YOUR LITTLE HEINIE.

MICHAEL, PLEASE!
DON'T BEG.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO EARN
THAT HEINIE SPANKING.

PAT, BING!

NOW, I'VE DEVELOPED A SYSTEM
TO MAKE THIS FUN FOR YOU.

INSTEAD OF STUDYING
PSYCHOLOGY,

WE'RE GONNA STUDY

SIGHT-KYLE-OGY.

SEE THAT?
SIGHT... KYLE... OGY.

YES, YES, I SEE IT,
BUT WHAT IN THE HELL IS IT?

I'M GLAD YOU ASKED, AND NO BAD
WORDS IN MY CLASS, OKAY?

NOW, I'VE TAKEN
ALL YOUR NOTES,

AND I'VE INCORPORATED THEM
INTO...

FLASH CARDS!

FLASH CARDS, MICHAEL?
WHAT AM I, A CHILD?

FLASH CARDS DON'T WORK ON ME.
I'M NOT A VISUAL PERSON.

YEAH, WELL, I BET
YOU CAN VISUALIZE YOURSELF

GETTING AN "A" ON THAT EXAM,

AND I BET YOU CAN PICTURE
MR. TILLMAN'S FACE EATING CROW,

AND I KNOW THAT YOU CAN
IMAGINE ME UPSTAIRS

SPANKING THAT LITTLE HEINIE
TILL IT TALKS.

ALL RIGHT...

JUST... SHOW ME
THE FLASH CARDS, OKAY?

NOW, THE FIRST QUESTION IS,
WHO DEVELOPED THE INKBLOT TEST?

[ GROANS ] UH...

OKAY, MAYBE THIS WILL HELP.

HUH, LOOK AT THAT.
BA-BA.

COME ON, SPIT IT OUT.
BA-BA.

OKAY, LET ME TRY IT!

LION O'NEAL.

LION... RYAN... RYAN O'NEAL
DID THE INKBLOT TEST?

NO.

WHAT IS THE LION DOING?
ROAR!

AHHHH!

ROAR!

ROARING.
YES.

AND WHO'S THIS GUY?
WHAT'S HIS FIRST NAME?

GIVE ME HIS FIRST NAME.
SHAQ.

YES.
NOW PUT IT ALL TOGETHER.

ROAR! UGH!

RORSCHACH.
RORSCHACH!

YES!
I KNOW THAT ONE.

SEE HOW SIGHT-KYLE-OGY...

SIGHT-KYLE-OGY WORKS?

YES, OKAY, JUST GIVE ME
ANOTHER ONE, PLEASE.

OKAY, YOU WANT TO HOLD
ONTO THIS? NO, I DO NOT.

JUST GIVE ME ANOTHER ONE,
PLEASE.

ARE YOU FEELING THIS?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M FEELING
RIGHT NOW, MICHAEL.

WHAT IS THE FEAR OF SPIDERS?

OH, SHOOT.
THAT'S ON THE TIP OF MY TONGUE.

TICK... TICK...
THAT'S EASY.

COME ON, WOULD YOU STOP THAT?
TICK! TICK! TICK! TICK! TICK!

OKAY, NOW, LOOK AT THAT.

UM...

COME ON,
PUT IT ALL TOGETHER.

BABY, CAN YOU PLEASE
GIVE ME A SECOND?

A-BREAST-NO-SADDAM-BEE-A.

A-BREAST-NO-SADDAM-BEE-A!

A-BREAST-NO-SADDAM-BEE-A?
COME... NO.

THAT'S WHAT'S RIGHT THERE
ON THE DUMB FLASH CARDS.

NO, LOOK.

A-RACK... HUH?

NO...
MNH-MNH-MNH.

FOE... BECAUSE HE'S BEEN
AMERICA'S FOE.

BEE... BZZ... AH.

NOW YOU JUST PUT IT
ALL TOGETHER.

ARACHNOPHOBIA.

YES.

SEE, THAT'S SIGHT-KYLE-OGY
AT ITS BEST.

SIGHT-KYLE-OGY.

HERE, YOU WANT
TO HOLD ONTO THIS?

NO, I DON'T WANT TO...

OKAY, THIS ONE'S
GONNA BE REALLY EASY.

IF YOU CAN'T GET THIS, YOU'RE
JUST PLAIN OLD STUPID, OKAY?

THESE ARE THE FIVE STAGES
OF GRIEF.

HUH? LOOK AT THAT.

WHAT IS THAT RIGHT THERE?

YOU SAID IT WAS
GONNA BE EASY, MICHAEL!

SEE, ANGER?
LOOK AT THE BEAR'S EYES.

HE'S ANGRY.
"WHO STOLE MY HONEY?"

WHAT'S UP, BABY?

HERE'S THE MAIL.

ANYTHING INTERESTING?
NO.

I LOOKED THROUGH IT.

NO SALES,
NO FREE TRIPS TO ANY SPAS,

NO PRODUCT GIVEAWAYS.

JUST THESE LIFE-CHANGING
TEST RESULTS FOR MOM.

GIRL, GIVE ME THAT.
[ LAUGHS ]

THANK GOD THEY CAME.

NOW SHE CAN STOP ACTING SO
SELF-CENTERED AND OBSESSIVE.

I MEAN, THIS PAST WEEK,

EVERYTHING'S BEEN ABOUT
THIS SILLY, LITTLE TEST.

MEANWHILE, I'M DEALING
WITH BAD-HAIR DAYS,

A MANICURIST
THAT'S OUT OF TOWN,

AND I JUST NOTICED
ONE OF MY EYES

IS BIGGER THAN THE OTHER ONE.

SEE?

WOW.

IT'S A GOOD THING YOU'RE NOT
OBSESSIVE LIKE YOUR MOTHER.

I KNOW.

HMM.

BOY, I WISH I COULD
OPEN THIS UP,

BUT SHE'D PROBABLY KILL ME,
WOULDN'T SHE?

YEP, SHE SURE WOULD.

YEAH, MAYBE I SHOULD JUST
WAIT AND LET HER OPEN IT.

OR YOU COULD STEAM IT OPEN
LIKE I DO YOUR STUFF.

BY THE WAY, YOU GOT A REALLY
GOOD PRICE ON THIS HOUSE.

CLAIRE, DO YOU KNOW
THAT IT IS A FEDERAL CRIME

TO OPEN UP A PERSON'S
PRIVATE MAIL?

WHAT ABOUT READING POSTCARDS?

THAT'S A MISDEMEANOR, POPEYE.

[ GASPS ]

[ Imitating Popeye ]
YOU AMS WHAT YOU AMS.

HEH HEH HEH HEH!

[ HUMMING ]

Janet:
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, MY GOSHK, IT'S OLIVE.

CAUGHT RED-HANDED,
HOW EMBARASSKING.

ARE THOSE MY TEST RESULTS?

[ Normal voice ] THESE
IN MY HAND? YES.

HOW'D THEY GET...
HOW'D THEY GET OVER THE STEAMER?

THIS HOUSE IS CRAZY.

CLAIRE'S EYES
ARE GETTING BIGGER,

AND EVERYTHING IS JUST CRAZY
AROUND HERE.

HOW'D WE DO, HUH?
HOW'D WE DO, HUH?

DID YOU GET AN "A"?
[ LAUGHS ]

IS HE GONNA BE EATING CROW?

AM I GONNA BE SPANKING
THAT HEINIE?

NO, I'M GONNA BE KICKING YOURS.
I GOT AN "F."

AN "F"?
YES.

HOW'D YOU GET AN "F"?

JAY, WHAT DID YOU DO
TO MY SIGHT-KYLE-OGY?

WHAT DID I DO?

I LISTENED TO IT, MICHAEL.

AND YOU'RE MAD AT ME?
GIRL, I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS.

YOU'RE RIGHT.
LET ME BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU.

LET ME GIVE YOU A LITTLE
PSYCHOLO-JAY, OKAY?

LET ME BREAK IT ON DOWN 'CAUSE,
SEE, YOU JUST RIGHT HERE.

YOU NEED TO... SINCE YOU WANT
TO BE SO HELPFUL.

LET'S SEE.
BOOT-LOCK.

BOOT-LOCK.
NO.

OKAY, LET ME SEE THIS.
BOOT PLUS "E."

THAT'S BOOT-E,

AND A LOCK
WITH AN ARROW GOING DOWN.

BOOT-E ON LOCKDOWN.
BOOTY ON LOCKDOWN!

GOT IT!

NO. YOU'RE NOT GETTING IT...
AT ALL.

MICHAEL,
THIS WAS IMPORTANT TO ME,

AND YOU TURNED IT INTO
ONE OF YOUR LITTLE CRUSADES,

AND IN THE PROCESS,
IT COST ME

EVERYTHING THAT I'VE BEEN
WORKING SO HARD FOR.

THANKS.
THANKS A LOT.

WHAT AN INGRATE.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

HELLO, MY LITTLE CHERUB.

HELLO, FRANKLIN.

WHY ARE YOU
WEARING GLASSES?

I'VE ALWAYS WORN GLASSES...

LIKE ALL INTELLECTUALS.

YOU KNOW, I JUST DON'T
ALWAYS WEAR THEM.

YOU ARE ENDLESSLY
FASCINATING.

I LEARN SOMETHING NEW
ABOUT YOU EVERY DAY.

I SUPPOSE THAT'S TRUE.

OW.

ARE YOU OKAY?

FINE, THANK YOU.

SO WHAT ARE YOU UP TO TODAY?

JUST FINISHING UP
ONE OF MY NEW PAINTINGS.

THAT LOOKS LIKE A DOILY.

OH. IT IS.

HERE'S MY PAINTING.

AS YOU CAN SEE, I WAS
GREATLY FLUENCED BY "MONETTE."

YOU MEAN MONET?

I CARE NOTHING FOR MONEY,
OR AS YOU CALL IT, MONET.

O-KAY, YOU WANT TO PLAY
A GAME OF JACKS?

[ LAUGHS ]

JACKS? PLEASE.

I DON'T INDULGE
IN SUCH CHILDISH FARE.

HOW ABOUT AN INTELLECTUALLY
STIMULATING GAME OF CHESS?

ARE YOU FEELING OKAY?

NEVER BETTER.

[ GASPS ]

I THINK YOU MIGHT NEED
A STRONGER PRESCRIPTION

FOR YOUR GLASSES.

WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

MR. KYLE,
HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

WELL, I WAS WONDERING
IF YOU HAD A MINUTE.

CERTAINLY.
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

WELL, YOU SEE,
THE THING IS, PROFESSOR,

IT'S MY FAULT
THAT JAY FLUNKED THE TEST.

I COACHED HER USING
SOME OF MY OWN METHODS,

SOMETHING I CALL
SIGHT-KYLE-OGY.

[ CHUCKLES ]
I INVENTED IT.

YOU MEAN, LIKE PICTOGRAPHS?

WELL, IF YOU WANT TO REDUCE IT
TO PICTOGRAPHS,

I GUESS IT COULD BE THAT,

BUT THE POINT IS,
I MESSED JAY UP.

AND EXACTLY HOW IS THIS
MY PROBLEM?

WELL, I WAS KIND OF HOPING
YOU'D LET HER TAKE THE TEST OVER.

AND HOW WOULD FAILING AGAIN
HELP HER?

I REALLY BELIEVE, PROFESSOR,
THAT WITHOUT MY INTERFERENCE,

SHE COULD REALLY DO WELL
ON THAT TEST.

I AM TEMPTED TO GO ALONG WITH
YOU JUST TO PROVE YOU WRONG,

BUT, YOU KNOW, I AM REALLY GOOD
AT RESISTING TEMPTATION,

SO THE ANSWER IS NO.

THERE'S NOTHING I CAN SAY
TO CHANGE YOUR MIND?

NO.

WHOOPSIE!
HEY, LOOK AT THAT.

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN'S
KNOCKING AT THE DOOR.

[ LAUGHS ]

MR. KYLE,
YOU'RE INSULTING MY INTEGRITY

AND IMPUGNING MY HONOR
WITH YOUR CHICANERY.

YOU DRIVE A HARD BARGAIN.
HERE'S AN EXTRA $20.

I WAS GONNA USE IT
FOR GAS MONEY.

YOU'RE NOT HEARING ME,
MR. KYLE.

IF I WERE TO POCKET
YOUR BRIBE,

THAT WOULD BE UNTHINKABLE
AND BEYOND UNETHICAL.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I HAVE WORK TO DO.

SAY, WHAT IS THIS
MAGNIFICENT STRUCTURE?

OH!

THAT'S THE FLOYD F. TILLMAN
LIBRARY.

WHAT DOES THE F. STAND FOR?

FLOYD.

SO YOUR NAME IS FLOYD FLOYD?

YEP, YEP.

YOU KNOW, FROM MY POINT OF VIEW,
SOMETHING'S MISSING THERE.

AND WHAT EXACTLY
WOULD THAT BE?

OH, A 20-FOOT BRONZE STATUE

OF FLOYD TILLMAN
WITH AN ASCOT AND A PIPE

STRIKING A POSE
LIKE MICHAEL JORDAN

WITH A BOOK IN HIS HAND.

HUH?

I AGREE.

UNFORTUNATELY,
WE RAN OUT OF FUNDS.

TOO BAD. LOOK.

WHOOPSIE.
[ CHUCKLES ]

WHOOPSIE.

WHOOPSIE.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

KADY, IT'S ME, FRANKLIN.

ENTREZ-VOUS.

OH, HI, FRANKLIN.

I WAS JUST BRUSHING UP
ON SOME OF MY WALT WHITMAN.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO RECITE
ONE OF HIS POEMS FOR YOU?

NO.

TO BE BLUNT,
WHAT I WOULD LIKE YOU TO DO

IS FOR YOU TO LOSE
THOSE GRANNY GLASSES

AND BRING BACK MY OLD KADY.

BUT I THOUGHT YOU LIKED...

OH. BUT I THOUGHT
YOU LIKED SMART GIRLS.

WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

I SAW THE WAY YOU LIT UP
AROUND EMERSON.

OH, DON'T BE SILLY.

EXTRAORDINARY CHILD PRODIGIES
ARE A DIME A DOZEN.

ALL RIGHT, I ADMIT PERHAPS I MIGHT
HAVE CONNECTED WITH EMERSON

ON A MUSICAL LEVEL AND MAYBE
EVEN ON AN INTELLECTUAL LEVEL,

BUT YOU AND I CONNECT
ON A HEART LEVEL,

AND IT DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER
THAN THAT.

[ SIGHS ]

OH, FRANKLIN, YOU ALWAYS KNOW
THE RIGHT THING TO SAY.

JAY, I GOT SOME GREAT NEWS.

I PAID A VISIT
TO YOUR PROFESSOR TILLMAN,

AND I CONVINCED HIM
TO GIVE YOU A RETEST.

REALLY?
YEP.

DID YOU BRIBE THAT MAN?

[ LAUGHS NERVOUSLY ]
WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?

YEAH.

UH-HUH. HOW MUCH?

I BOUGHT HIM A STATUE TO PUT
IN FRONT OF HIS LIBRARY.

YEAH, THAT'S SOMETHING
HE WOULD GO FOR,

BUT IS HE REALLY GONNA
LET ME RETEST? OH, YEAH.

DID YOU LEARN ANYTHING
FROM THIS, MR. KYLE?

BABY, I LEARNED THAT STATUES
ARE VERY EXPENSIVE.

NO.

NO, YOUR EGO.

YOU LET YOUR EGO
GET INVOLVED,

AND WHENEVER YOU DO THAT,
IT ENDS UP BAD.

I'M NOT SURE IT WAS MY EGO.

I THINK IT WAS MY SUPEREGO
OR MY ID.

GET IT? THAT'S ON PAGE
36. OKAY, YES, I GOT IT.

THAT'S VERY FUNNY.
GET IT?

YEAH.
[ SNORTS SARCASTICALLY ]

LOOK, BABE, MY HEART'S
IN THE RIGHT PLACE.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT I BELIEVE IN YOU,

AND I REALLY FEEL THAT
YOU'RE GONNA PASS THIS TEST.

AND THANK YOU
FOR CORRECTING YOUR MISTAKE,

AND I WILL DO MY BEST
TO CORRECT MINE.

SO NOW WE GOT THAT
OUT OF THE WAY,

YOU THINK MAYBE WE CAN MAKE UP
FOR SOME LOST TIME?

OOH, I WOULD LOVE TO...

BUT I GOT TO STUDY FIRST.

HA HA!
IT'S OKAY.

I COULD DO MY THING
WITH YOU STUDYING.

OH, NO, NO, NO.
YEAH.

NO, YOU CAN'T. I'LL SHOW
YOU SOME PSYCHOLOGY.

NO, NO, NO.
I NEED TO CONCENTRATE.

NO, I WANT TO TEACH YOU ABOUT
THE FIVE STAGES OF PASSION.

MICHAEL, STOP!

STOP!

BRING THAT HEINIE!
GIMME THAT HEINIE!

[ WHISTLING ]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

[ Imitating Popeye ]
OH, MY GOSHK, IT'S OLIVE AGAIN.

WHY, BLOW ME DOWN.

ARE THOSE MY TEST RESULTS
AGAIN, MICHAEL?

[ Normal voice ] I'M SORRY.

I JUST WANTED TO KNOW
WHAT WE GOT.

WHAT'D YOU DO,
WHAT'D YOU DO?

HUH, COME ON, WHAT?

I GOT AN "A" MINUS!
HA HA!

CONGRATULATIONS, BABY.

THANK YOU!

OH, I FEEL SO VALIDATED.

GREAT, SO NOW ARE WE OKAY?
ARE WE COOL?

YES, WE ARE COOL.
OF COURSE, BABE, OF COURSE.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA BREAK IT DOWN

SO THAT YOU CAN UNDERSTAND
HOW... COOL WE ARE.

LOOK, LOOK.
RIGHT HERE.

"S" PLUS BANK?

COME ON.

SPANK?
NO, NO.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHILE YOU FIGURE THAT OUT,
I'M GONNA GO UPSTAIRS.

ALL RIGHT?
I'LL BE WAITING.

"S" PLUS BANK.

SPANK.

SPANK.

"M" PLUS EYE.

MY.

PLUS DONKEY?
SPANK MY DONKEY.

WHY WOULD SOMEONE
WANT TO SPANK THAT ASS?

BABY!

GET MY BLUE PILL READY!

I WAS JUST BRUSHING UP
ON SOME OF MY WALT WHITMAN.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO RECITE
ONE OF HIS POEMS FOR YOU?

NO, TO BE BLUNT,
WHAT I WOULD YOU LIKELY...

WHAT?
[ LAUGHS ]

IT'S YOUR LINE.
IS IT?

YEAH.

ENDS UP BAD, EGO.

WHERE ARE YOU AT, WOMAN?

YOU NEED SIGHT-KYLE-OGY.