My Wife and Kids (2001–2005): Season 5, Episode 12 - They Call Me El Foosay - full transcript
Vanessa buys Junior a foosball table. Michael beats him in a game and becomes obsessed with it. They all get sick of Michael's actions and propose a plan. Michael says that if anyone can score one goal against him he will chop the...
[ PANTING ]
MMM. MNH-MNH.
OH, BABY, I'M SORRY!
I'M SORRY.
OKAY, I WAS AT THIS GREAT
GARAGE SALE YESTERDAY,
AND I GOT YOU A PRESENT.
OH! WHAT IS IT?
IT'S SOMETHING YOU CAN PLAY WITH
WHEN I'M GONE.
OH, I'VE ALREADY GOT THAT.
NO, SILLY,
IT'S SOMETHING ELSE.
INTRIGUING.
OKAY. I GOT IT FOR ALMOST
NOTHING, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE FUN.
GUESS WHAT IT IS. OKAY,
LET'S SEE... CHEAP BUT FUN.
HMM.
IS IT A HOOKER?
OKAY, NO,
IT'S NOT A HOOKER.
ALL RIGHT,
LET ME GIVE YOU A HINT.
GIVE ME YOUR HAND.
OKAY.
OH, VANESSA,
I ALREADY GOT THIS!
OKAY, FORGET IT, FORGET IT.
JUST LOOK.
OH, COOL!
ARMLESS FOOTBALL GUYS ON RODS!
NO, SILLY,
IT'S A FOOSBALL TABLE.
IT'S LIKE MECHANIZED SOCCER.
THE GUY SAID IT WAS
REALLY POPULAR
BACK IN THE OLD DAYS,
YOU KNOW, LIKE THE '90s.
WELL, LET'S PLAY IT.
OKAY.
YOU'RE ON.
GET READY TO LOSE!
WOW. YOU'RE PRETTY GOOD
AT THIS, HONEY.
THANKS, HONEY.
OH, OKAY, OKAY.
MMM! LUPA LINDA!
[ GRUNTING LOUDLY ]
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN ME,
DAD.
I PASSED IT TO MY FORWARD GUYS,
THEN, BOOM, I SCORED!
LUPA LINDA, I SCORED!
IN YOUR FACE, GIRL!
IN YOUR FACE!
Janet: HEY, HEY!
NOW, THAT IS RUDE. THAT IS
NO WAY TO TALK TO YOUR WIFE.
YOU'RE RIGHT, MOM,
BUT IT WAS SO SWEET.
I MEAN, 5-0.
SKUNKED, SKUNKED, SKUNKED!
OH, SHUT UP! IT'S JUST A
STUPID GAME. WHICH YOU LOST!
Michael: ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, HEY!
HEY, KNOCK IT OFF.
YOU'RE BEING OBNOXIOUS.
PART OF WINNING
IS BEING GRACIOUS,
AND PART OF ACTING LIKE A MAN
IS NOT SAYING STUFF LIKE,
"LUPA LINDA! LUPA LINDA!"
NO, DAD,
THAT'S MY VICTORY WORD.
I SCORE AND I SHOUT,
"LUPA LINDA!"
YEAH, WELL, IT'S A STUPID WORD,
AND YOU'RE A STUPID BOY
IF YOU INSIST ON ACTING
LIKE A STUPID GOON
'CAUSE YOU WON
A STUPID GAME.
YEAH, YOU'RE REPULSIVE ENOUGH
WITHOUT FOOSBALL.
YEAH,
DON'T MAKE THINGS WORSE.
YEAH, AND I WANT YOU
TO APOLOGIZE TO YOUR WIFE.
YEAH.
YOU GUYS ARE RIGHT.
I'M SORRY.
GIVE ME THE LUSCIOUS.
THANK YOU.
OH, I'M SO SORRY...
THAT I BEAT YOU LIKE AN OLD RUG!
HA! LUPA LINDA! HA HA!
WE'RE TELLING THE BABY!
HE'LL NEVER RESPECT YOU!
HA!
Michael: HEY, HEY, HEY.
THAT'S IT.
ONE MORE "LUPA LINDA,"
AND YOU AND THAT STUPID FOOSBALL
TABLE GONNA BE OUT THE HOUSE.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY A GAME
OF FOOSBALL WITH THE CHAMP?
NO, I DON'T WANT TO PLAY A GAME
OF FOOSBALL WITH THE CHUMP.
[ SNIFFING ]
WHAT'S THAT SMELL?
WHAT SMELL?
IT SMELLS LIKE FEAR.
HEY!
IS THAT COMING FROM YOU,
DAD?!
ARE YOU SCARED TO PLAY ME?!
ARE YOU AFRAID THAT
YOU'LL GO DOWN IN DEFEAT, TOO?!
BOY, YOU BETTER GET YOUR HOT
BREATH UP OUT OF MY FACE!
AND, NO, I'M NOT GONNA
GET SUCKERED
INTO PLAYING NO STUPID
CHILD'S GAME WITH YOU.
[ CLUCKING ]
I THINK YOU SHOULD
JUST PLAY HIM.
NO, HE WON'T DO THAT
BECAUSE HE'S TOO
[CLUCKING RESUMES]
CHICKEN.
I'M NOT CHICKEN.
I HAPPEN TO BE MATURE.
RIGHT, AN OLD CHICKEN.
[ CLUCKING RESUMES ]
OW, MY HIP.
MAKE HIM STOP, DAD.
STOP WHAT, DOING
THE [CLUCKING RESUMES]
[ High-pitched voice ] OWW.
LET ME CONSULT
WITH YOUR MOTHER.
BABE, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
I THINK YOU OUGHT
TO KICK THIS FOOL'S ASS.
OKAY, IT'S ON.
ME AND YOU, LET'S GO.
LET'S GO, LET'S GO,
LET'S GO!
YOU NEED TO BACK UP!
YOU BETTER BACK UP, BOY!
COME ON, BABY, COME ON.
COME ON, MICHAEL!
LUPA LINDA!
IN YOUR FACE, DADDY, IN YOUR
FACE! ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU STOP YAPPING
AND LET'S JUST PLAY?
ALL RIGHT, 4-4.
NEXT GOAL WINS.
COME ON, MICHAEL.
DO YOU WANT TO TALK,
OR DO YOU WANT TO PLAY FOOS?
LOOK, DAD, ALL I WANT TO KNOW
IS IF YOU'VE EVER BEEN TO... AH!
LUPA LINDA!
[ GRUNTING LOUDLY ]
NOW WE GOT TO PUT UP
WITH MORE OF THIS CRAP.
I'M GONNA MOVE OUT
UNTIL SOMEBODY BEATS HIM.
NO, WE'RE GONNA PLAY THE BEST
TWO OUT OF THREE.
NO, I'M GONNA QUIT
WHILE I'M AHEAD
AND LORD IT OVER YOU
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
IF YOU DON'T
PLAY ME AGAIN,
I'M GONNA FIRE YOU
FROM WORK,
AND THROW YOU
OUT ON THE STREET.
WELL, SINCE YOU
PUT IT THAT WAY...
DAD, YOU NEED A WORD
LIKE HIS "LUPA LINDA."
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK IT SHOULD BE?
WHATEVER COMES TO MIND
WHEN YOU SCORE A GOAL.
YEAH,
JUST LET IT COME OUT.
BOO-YA SHAKA!
Claire: WHERE DID YOU GET
THAT WORD FROM?
[ Chuckling ]
ASK YOUR MAMA.
[ CHUCKLES ]
EW.
OKAY,
THAT WAS A LUCKY SHOT.
OH, YEAH? THIS AIN'T LUCK,
NO LUCK AT ALL.
I'M FEELING THIS NOW.
I'M FEELING IT.
WATCH IT.
OH! BOO-YA SHAKA!
WHOO!
[ LAUGHTER ]
IN YOUR FACE!
LUPA LINDA!
I'M GONNA TELL YOUR SON,
AND HE AIN'T GONNA RESPECT YOU!
THAT WAS GREAT.
I TOLD YOU
MICHAEL COULD DO IT.
LET'S CELEBRATE
WITH SOME DESSERT.
OOH, CHEESECAKE.
ICE CREAM.
HOW ABOUT ICE CREAM
ON TOP OF CHEESECAKE?
IN YOUR FACE, SUCKER!
HUH?! HUH?!
IN YOUR FACE!
THAT'S FIVE GAMES
IN A ROW, BOY!
OKAY, OKAY, DAD.
YEAH, YEAH.
I'M GONNA TELL YOUR BABY
ON YOU,
AND HE AIN'T GONNA
RESPECT YOU NO MORE!
HE GONNA RUN AWAY!
AND LIVE WITH A DIFFERENT FATHER
THAT CAN PLAY FOOSBALL!
IT DOESN'T FEEL VERY GOOD,
DOES IT, JUNIOR?
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I LEARNED MY LESSON, BABY.
I'M SORRY.
YEAH, YOU RIGHT.
YOU SORRY!
YOUR SORRY OFFENSE,
YOU GOT SORRY DEFENSE,
YOU JUST PLAIN OLD SORRY!
WOW.
I'M GONNA TELL YOUR BABY
YOU SORRY!
OKAY, MICHAEL,
THAT'S ENOUGH.
THE BOY LEARNED HIS LESSON.
DON'T DO WHAT HE DID, OKAY?
I'M NOT, JAY.
HE WAS ACTING LIKE A WINNER
WHEN HE WAS REALLY A LOSER
IN WINNER CLOTHING.
YOU SEE ME OUT THERE?
YOU SEE THAT WRIST ACTION?
YEAH, WE SAW YOU.
WAS I GOOD OR NOT?
WAS I GOOD OR GREAT OR WHAT?
YOU WERE GOOD, DAD.
NO, GREAT, WOMAN.
GREAT.
ALL RIGHT.
HOW WAS I
FROM YOUR ANGLE?
LOW BUT GREAT.
ALL RIGHT,
ENOUGH ALREADY.
LET'S JUST ENJOY OUR DESSERT
AND GET BACK TO BEING
A NORMAL FAMILY, PLEASE.
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
LET'S JUST SIT DOWN
AND ENJOY OUR CHEESECAKE
AND OUR ICE CREAM... WHOA!
SORRY, JUNIOR.
THAT'S MY FOOSBALL REFLEXES
STILL AT WORK.
[ CHUCKLES ]
THAT MEANS I GOT
TO PLAY ANOTHER GAME.
ANYBODY WANT TO PLAY?
NO. NO.
NO. NO.
COME ON. SOMEBODY... VANESSA,
YOU WANT SOME OF THAT?
NO, THANKS. I'M SORRY
I EVEN BOUGHT THAT THING.
OH, COME ON. CLAIRE,
LET'S PLAY A LITTLE GAME.
WHY WOULD I WANT TO PLAY
THAT STUPID, RIDICULOUS GAME?
I TELL YOU WHAT...
IF YOU CAN BEAT ME,
I'LL TAKE YOU ON A SHOPPING
SPREE AT THE MALL.
LET'S GO FOOSING.
I'M GONNA KILL HER!
YOU'RE DOING GOOD, HONEY.
YEAH.
YEAH, YOU USE THIS GUY
AS THE DEFENSE, SEE?
THAT ONE'S, RIGHT,
TO GET TO THE BALL,
AND THAT ONE'S YOUR OFFENSE,
AND WHAT HE DOES IS SET YOU UP
FOR BOO-YA SHAKA!
IN YOUR FACE!
THERE GOES YOUR SHOPPING SPREE!
[ LAUGHS ]
LISTEN, I QUIT!
[ Chuckling ]
GO AHEAD, LOSER. GO AHEAD.
BE JUST LIKE YOUR BROTHER.
HOW DO WE DO THIS, JAY?
HOW DO WE END UP WITH A HOUSEFUL OF PUNKS
AND PUNKETTES? HEY, HEY, STOP IT, OKAY?
THIS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND,
MICHAEL.
I'M JUST HAVING
A LITTLE FUN.
YEAH, WELL, IT'S NOT FUN
TO WATCH YOU BELITTLE
YOUR CHILDREN.
HEY, I DIDN'T START WHINING
WHEN I LOST.
I JUST DUG DEEP DOWN INSIDE
AND FOUND THE WARRIOR WITHIN ME,
AND I ROSE TO BECOME THE
CHAMPION THAT I AM RIGHT NOW.
♪ CHAMPION ♪
YEAH, YOU'RE THE CHAMPION
IN YOUR OWN GARAGE.
YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?
HEY, MICHAEL!
NO, NO! NO, JAY.
SHE CAN TALK THE TALK
BUT SHE CAN'T WALK THE WALK.
STEP UP TO THE TABLE,
YOUNG LADY,
AND PUT YOUR MONEY
WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS.
I BET YOUR BIG WHEEL.
LISTEN TO ME.
I WANT YOU TO GO IN THE HOUSE
AND CALM DOWN
AND GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF.
THAT ALWAYS CALMS ME DOWN.
MM-HMM.
FINE.
BUT I KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.
YOU GUYS ARE GONNA TRY
TO CONSPIRE HOW TO BEAT ME,
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU WON'T BE PRACTICING
WHILE I'M AWAY.
[ CHUCKLES ]
BOO-YA SHAKA!
MICHAEL!
I FEEL AWFUL.
I FEEL LIKE I BROUGHT A PLAGUE
INTO THIS HOUSE.
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
IT'S JUNIOR'S FAULT.
HOW IS IT MY FAULT?
YOU'RE THE ONE THAT INTRODUCED
HIM TO THIS STUPID GAME.
HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW HE
WAS GONNA TURN INTO "FOOSBALDY."
THAT'S NOT FUNNY.
LOOK, IT'S NOBODY'S FAULT.
WHAT'S IMPORTANT
IS THAT IT STOPS
SO WE GET YOUR FATHER
TO RETURN TO NORMAL,
OR AS NORMAL AS IS POSSIBLE
FOR HIM.
AND HOW ARE WE
GONNA DO THAT?
SEE, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.
I KNOW THAT HE HAS FALLEN
IN LOVE WITH THIS GAME,
BUT I KNOW SOMETHING
THAT HE LOVES EVEN MORE.
WHAT?
[ CHUCKLES ]
BOO-YA SHAKA.
[ CHUCKLES ]
OH...
OH.
EW. EW.
EW. EW.
Janet: ♪ Get up, get up,
get up, get up ♪
♪ LET'S MAKE LOVE TONIGHT ♪
♪ Wake up, wake up,
wake up, wake up ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU DO IT RIGHT ♪
HEY, BABY.
WHAT'S UP?
YOU SEE SOMETHING YOU LIKE?
I THINK SO.
LET ME TURN ON THIS LIGHT.
WHOO!
DAMN!
LOOK AT THIS TABLE
IN THE LIGHT!
YEAH, I LIKE THIS A LOT!
BOO-YA SHAKA!
BOY, NO YOU DID NOT BRING
THIS TABLE UP IN OUR BEDROOM!
I HAD TO, JAY.
OTHERWISE JUNIOR WOULD
BE DOWNSTAIRS PRACTICING,
AND I CAN'T AFFORD TO GIVE HIM
THAT KIND OF EDGE.
YOU KNOW WHAT, MICHAEL?
I'M GONNA MAKE THIS
REAL EASY FOR YOU.
I WANT YOU TO TAKE A LOOK
AROUND THE ROOM.
YOU GET TO PLAY WITH ONE THING
UP IN HERE
AND ONE THING ONLY
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!
CHOOSE WISELY.
I MEAN, THAT'S EASY.
BUT DO YOU REALLY THINK
THAT THIS TABLE
WILL LAST FOR A LIFETIME?
GET OUT!
WHAT? BABY!
GET OUT RIGHT NOW!
GET OUT, GET OUT!
YOU AND YOUR LITTLE STINKING
TABLE, GET OUT!
LOOK, YOU DON'T MEAN THAT.
SHE DOESN'T MEAN IT, GUYS.
SHE'S JUST A LITTLE
HYSTERICAL.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO?
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO? WHAT?
I'M GOING BACK
IN THAT BATHROOM,
I'M GONNA TAKE
THIS RIDICULOUS OUTFIT OFF
THAT I POURED MYSELF
INTO FOR YOU!
AND WHEN I COME OUT,
YOU BETTER BE PLAYING FOOSBALL
SOMEWHERE ELSE!
COME ON, JAY, YOU'RE
OVERREACTING. NO!
YOU'RE OVERREACTING!
BABY, COME ON, PLEASE,
JUST GIVE THE GAME A CHANCE.
I WAS KIND OF HOPING...
I WAS WISHING...
THAT YOU WOULD COME AND PLAY
WITH ME.
THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT IT
UP THERE.
OKAY, NOW IT'S OUT
OF THE BAG.
COME ON, JAY.
IT'S REALLY SEXY
ONCE YOU GET IT GOING.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,
MICHAEL...
THERE IS NOTHING SEXY
ABOUT THIS LITTLE FOOLISH GAME.
WOULD YOU TRY IT OUT FOR ME?
NO!
PLEASE, BABY? BABY.
NO, MICHAEL!
[ Whining ] I'M FEELING
REALLY HURT RIGHT NOW...
I'M FEELING REALLY
VULNERABLE.
JUST... JUST TOUCH IT.
TOUCH IT AGAIN.
COME ON. HOLD THAT.
YOU FEEL THAT?
YOU FEEL THAT?
YOU FEEL THE POWER
OVER THOSE 10 MEN, HUH?
DON'T YOU FEEL THAT?
[ GIGGLES ]
YOU LIKE THAT, HUH?
IT DOES KIND OF FEEL GOOD.
YEAH, AND YOU LOOK GOOD.
OH! WHOO!
MOVE THE HANDS
BACK AND FORTH.
LIKE THAT?
YEAH.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
WHOA, YEAH.
WHOO. YOU FEEL THAT?
NOW, HOLD ON,
LET ME GET OVER HERE
SO I CAN GET A BETTER LOOK
AT MY BABY.
OH, LOOK AT MY BABY.
[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]
YOU LIKE THIS LIKE THIS?
MMM.
WORK ME, GIRL. WORK ME!
[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]
OH, I LIKE THAT.
WHO'S YOUR DADDY?
MICHAEL.
WHAT'S MY NAME?
MICHAEL.
WHAT'S MY NAME?
MICHAEL.
NO, IT'S BOO-YA SHAKA!
IN YOUR FACE!
IN YOUR FACE!
I SAY IT IN SLOW MOTION.
IN... YOUR... FACE.
THAT'S IT, MICHAEL!
THAT IS IT!
FROM NOW ON, YOU GONNA
BE PLAYING WITH YOURSELF!
I'M TAKING AWAY
ALL OF THIS.
ALL OF THIS, MICHAEL!
ALL OF IT!
COME ON, BABY!
AW, MAN!
I WISH YOU WOULD BE HERE
FOR ME!
COME ON, BABY! PLEASE?
I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE
TO GET NO SLEEP
WITH YOU IN THE BATHROOM
LIKE THAT!
AWWW! JAY!
[ GRUNTING ]
BOO-YA SHAKA!
I SAID BOO-YA SHAKA!
YEAH, BABY.
YEAH, BABY.
I'LL PLAY BOTH SIDES.
I'LL PLAY ME AGAINST ME.
ME AGAINST ME, ME AGAINST...
BOO-YA SHAKA!
OH, MAN.
KIDS, I AM SO SORRY,
BUT I'M GONNA HAVE
TO KILL YOUR FATHER.
NOW, NOW, NOW.
WE HAD SOME GOOD YEARS
WITH HIM,
AND I WANT YOU TO HOLD
ONTO THOSE MEMORIES...
BECAUSE THEY'RE GONNA GET YOU
THROUGH THE MOURNING PERIOD,
AND THEY'RE GONNA
COMFORT YOU...
WHEN MOMMY IS IN JAIL.
YOU'RE NOT REALLY
GONNA KILL HIM...
YEAH!
YEAH, CLAIRE!
YEAH.
IF HE SAYS "BOO-YA SHAKA"
ONE MORE TIME.
THAT'S IT.
HEY, MOM, MOM, MOM, MOM.
HEY, HEY.
THERE'S A BETTER WAY.
WHAT'S BETTER
THAN STRANGLING HIM?
THERE'S A BETTER WAY TO DEAL
WITH THE SITUATION.
YEAH, WE COULD DO AN
INTERVENTION. WHAT'S THAT?
THAT'S WHEN THE LOVED ONES OF A
PERSON WHO'S ADDICTED TO SOMETHING
CONFRONT HIM AND CHALLENGE HIM
TO MAKE A CHANGE.
[ SIGHS ] ALL RIGHT,
LET'S GIVE IT A SHOT.
BOO-YA SHAKA!
AAAH!
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HER?
SHE'S ALL BOO-YA SHAKA'D
OUT, DAD.
YEAH, WE ALL ARE.
MR. KYLE,
WE'VE COME TO THE CONCLUSION
THAT YOU'RE ADDICTED.
YOU'RE A FOOSAHOLIC.
MM-HMM.
I AIN'T NO FOOSAHOLIC.
YES, YOU ARE, MICHAEL,
AND IT'S WORSE.
YOU HAVE "BALLSHEIMER'S."
BALLSHEIMER'S?
YES, MICHAEL,
BALLSHEIMER'S...
WHERE YOU FORGET ABOUT
EVERYTHING ELSE IN LIFE
EXCEPT FOR FOOSBALL.
I'M ABSOLUTELY FINE.
OKAY, THEN WE CAN GET
RID OF THIS TABLE.
NO, HOW ABOUT
WE GET RID OF YOU?
HEY, HEY, MICHAEL!
I DON'T APPRECIATE HER COMING
OUT HER FACE LIKE THAT. MICHAEL!
LISTEN TO YOURSELF!
WHAT?
YOU PUT THIS FOOSBALL TABLE
BEFORE YOUR OWN CHILD!
YOU PUT IT BEFORE
ALL OF THIS!
YOU PUT IT BEFORE EVERYTHING,
MICHAEL!
IT'S BECOME THE MOST IMPORTANT
THING IN LIFE TO YOU!
WELL, MAYBE I HAVE BEEN LOOKING
AT THIS THE WRONG WAY.
THANK YOU.
IT SHOULDN'T HAVE TO COME DOWN
TO A CHOICE
BETWEEN THIS GAME
AND MY FAMILY.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I MEAN,
WE COULD PLAY TOGETHER.
ALL RIGHT, KIDS,
GO ON OUTSIDE.
WHAT HAPPENED?
I'LL CALL YOU
WHEN IT'S DONE.
SHE TOOK THE EARRINGS OFF.
LISTEN, JUST REMEMBER
THAT YOU CAN ALWAYS...
ALWAYS VISIT ME ON SUNDAYS
AND BRING ME LOTS OF BOOKS.
[ Gagging ]
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
LISTEN, LISTEN.
I HAVE A PROPOSITION, OKAY?
IT'S MORE LIKE A CHALLENGE.
ALL RIGHT. LET'S HEAR IT.
OKAY.
YOU READY?
I SAY WE HAVE A TOURNAMENT.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
LISTEN. NO, NO.
NO, NO, HEAR ME OUT.
I'LL PLAY EACH AND EVERY ONE
OF YOU, ALL RIGHT?
AND ANYBODY ELSE
YOU CAN FIND.
AND IF YOU CAN SCORE
JUST ONE POINT ON ME,
I'LL CHOP THIS THING UP
INTO LITTLE TOOTHPICKS.
ONE POINT?
THAT'S RIGHT, ONE POINT.
Mom, I'm sure we could
find somebody
that could score
at least one goal.
WOULD YOU JUST GET...
Yeah, I think
it's a reasonable bet.
And if he wins, we're no
worse off than we are now.
Yeah, then you can whack him.
Either way, happy ending.
YOU LIKE IT?
MM-HMM.
WOULD YOU...
Yeah, we either get our Dad
back or the monster falls.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, MICHAEL, ONE GOAL,
AND THEN IT'S OVER.
OKAY, LET THE GAMES BEGIN.
COME ON,
WHO'S MY FIRST VICTIM?
I AM.
COME ON, MAMA!
BOO-YA SHAKA!
NO!
NEXT!
Janet:
COME ON, COME ON.
Claire:
YOU CAN DO IT, TONY.
YEAH, TONY, COME ON.
OH, COME ON.
HEY, TONY...
WHAT DOES A GHOST SAY?
BOO?
YA SHAKA!
[ CHUCKLES ]
OHHH!
TAKE A SEAT!
HE'S GOING DOWN.
HE'S GOING DOWN.
I DOUBT IT, I DOUBT IT.
OH, HE'S GOOD.
GET HIM.
WATCH THIS.
BOO-YA SHAKA!
Claire: DAD!
Janet: COME ON, JUNIOR.
YOU CAN DO THIS.
MOM, COULD YOU HOLD ON?
I GOT A COLLECT CALL
FROM BOO-YA SHAKA!
[ GROANS ]
COME ON, BABE.
CONCENTRATE.
Janet:
LET HER CONCENTRATE!
I GOT YOU RIGHT
WHERE I WANT YOU.
COME ON, COME ON!
I'M GONNA DO THIS
WITH TELEPATHY.
BOO-YA SHAKA!
AAAAH!
DON'T TOUCH ME.
DON'T TOUCH ME.
NEXT!
Janet:
CAREFUL, BABY, CAREFUL.
YEAH, BABY, CAREFUL.
COME ON, BABY.
DON'T GET UPSET.
JUST CONCENTRATE.
BOO-YA SHAKA!
THAT'S FIVE.
GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I CAN'T BEAT HIM!
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU PLAY
LIKE A LITTLE GIRL!
I AM A LITTLE GIRL!
MICHAEL,
YOU ARE MAKING HER CRY!
AW, BOO-HOO-HOO-YA SHAKA!
[ LAUGHS ]
LOOK, THE KING OF FOOS IS GOING
TO RETIRE TO HIS THRONE.
YOU GUYS PRACTICE WHILE I HAVE
TO GO SOAK MY WRISTS.
IS THERE ANYBODY
WHO CAN BEAT HIM?
I KNOW ONE PERSON.
WHO? WHO?
WHO? WHO?
THEY CALL HIM...
EL FOOSAY.
[ WHISTLING ]
OKAY, SO WHERE'S
THIS MYSTERY PLAYER?
WHO'S MY NEXT VICTIM?
YOUR NEXT OPPONENT
IS NONE OTHER THAN...
THE LEGENDARY EL FOOSAY.
HA HA HA HA.
[ Spanish accent ]
YOU'RE GOING DOWN, SEñOR.
I AIN'T AFRAID OF YOU.
I'M AT THE TOP OF MY GAME, SIR.
WE WILL SEE ABOUT THAT.
NOW, LET'S PLAY FOOSBALL
AND NONE OF THIS CHILD'S PLAY.
LET'S PLAY TO CINCO!
AND NO SPINNING.
OKAY, YOU'RE ON.
[ BOTH GRUNTING ]
PANCHO VILLA!
[ CHEERING ]
YES!
YES!
GET HIM!
LET'S DO IT AGAIN, HUH?
[ BOTH GRUNTING ]
PANCHO VILLA!
AHHH!
WHOO!
BOO-YA SHAKA!
WHOO!
I'M ABOUT TO THROW YOU
OUT MY GARAGE.
[ GRUNTING ]
NO. NO SPINNING.
PANCHO VILLA!
AAH!
WHOO!
SO WHAT?
THAT'S ONLY THREE.
[ GRUNTING ]
[ WHISTLING ]
PANCHO VILLA!
YES!
IN YOUR FACE, DADDY!
CUATRO TO CERO.
ONE MORE POINT,
AND YOU ARE DEAD TO FOOSBALL.
YEAH?
WELL, I'M NOT SCARED
OF YOU, MUMFORD.
LET'S GO!
YOU KNOW... I DO HAVE
TO COMPLIMENT YOU,
NOT ONLY ON YOUR STYLE OF PLAY
BUT ON YOUR PHYSICAL PRESENCE.
YOU KNOW,
YOU ARE QUITE IMPOSING.
[ PANTING AND GRUNTING ]
I'VE BEEN WORKING OUT
REALLY HARD!
AND IT SHOWS.
YOU KNOW...
YOUR FOREARMS ARE SPECTACULAR.
ESPECIALLY THE...
PANCHO VILLA!
[ CHEERING ]
[ PANTING ]
Janet: HA!
GOOD GAME, MUMFORD.
THANKS, MR. KYLE.
AND NOW I MUST SING
MY VICTORY SONG.
♪ AY AY AY AY ♪
♪ I AM EL FOOSAY ♪
♪ I BEAT YOUR BUTT
IN FOOSBALL TODAY ♪
♪ NOW YOU MUST THROW
THE TABLE AWAY ♪
♪ AY AY AY AY ♪
♪ I AM EL FOOSAY ♪
ADIOS, AMIGOS.
HE'S WONDERFUL.
YEAH, HE'S GREAT.
WHAT'S IMPORTANT
IS THAT IT STOPS
SO WE GET YOUR FATHER
TO RETURN TO NORMAL,
OR AS NORMAL AS IS POSSIBLE
FOR HIM.
HOW ARE... SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
AAH! DON'T YOU KNOW HOW HARD
THAT LINE IS?!
[ Laughing ] I'M SORRY.
BOO-YA SHAKA!
IN YOUR FACE!
IN YOUR FACE!
IN YOUR FACE!
LUPA LINDA! LUPA LINDA!
I'M GONNA TELL YOUR CHILD,
AND HE AIN'T GONNA RESPECT YOU!
WELL, I BEAT YOU!
YOU WANT TO GET BACK
ON THE TABLE?!
HUH?! HUH?! HUH?!
LUPA LINDA!
[ GRUNTING LOUDLY ]
I'M GONNA MOVE OUT
UNTIL SOMEBODY BEATS HIM.
NO, WE GONNA PLAY
BEST THREE OUT OF TWO.
[ LAUGHS ]
MMM. MNH-MNH.
OH, BABY, I'M SORRY!
I'M SORRY.
OKAY, I WAS AT THIS GREAT
GARAGE SALE YESTERDAY,
AND I GOT YOU A PRESENT.
OH! WHAT IS IT?
IT'S SOMETHING YOU CAN PLAY WITH
WHEN I'M GONE.
OH, I'VE ALREADY GOT THAT.
NO, SILLY,
IT'S SOMETHING ELSE.
INTRIGUING.
OKAY. I GOT IT FOR ALMOST
NOTHING, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE FUN.
GUESS WHAT IT IS. OKAY,
LET'S SEE... CHEAP BUT FUN.
HMM.
IS IT A HOOKER?
OKAY, NO,
IT'S NOT A HOOKER.
ALL RIGHT,
LET ME GIVE YOU A HINT.
GIVE ME YOUR HAND.
OKAY.
OH, VANESSA,
I ALREADY GOT THIS!
OKAY, FORGET IT, FORGET IT.
JUST LOOK.
OH, COOL!
ARMLESS FOOTBALL GUYS ON RODS!
NO, SILLY,
IT'S A FOOSBALL TABLE.
IT'S LIKE MECHANIZED SOCCER.
THE GUY SAID IT WAS
REALLY POPULAR
BACK IN THE OLD DAYS,
YOU KNOW, LIKE THE '90s.
WELL, LET'S PLAY IT.
OKAY.
YOU'RE ON.
GET READY TO LOSE!
WOW. YOU'RE PRETTY GOOD
AT THIS, HONEY.
THANKS, HONEY.
OH, OKAY, OKAY.
MMM! LUPA LINDA!
[ GRUNTING LOUDLY ]
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN ME,
DAD.
I PASSED IT TO MY FORWARD GUYS,
THEN, BOOM, I SCORED!
LUPA LINDA, I SCORED!
IN YOUR FACE, GIRL!
IN YOUR FACE!
Janet: HEY, HEY!
NOW, THAT IS RUDE. THAT IS
NO WAY TO TALK TO YOUR WIFE.
YOU'RE RIGHT, MOM,
BUT IT WAS SO SWEET.
I MEAN, 5-0.
SKUNKED, SKUNKED, SKUNKED!
OH, SHUT UP! IT'S JUST A
STUPID GAME. WHICH YOU LOST!
Michael: ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, HEY!
HEY, KNOCK IT OFF.
YOU'RE BEING OBNOXIOUS.
PART OF WINNING
IS BEING GRACIOUS,
AND PART OF ACTING LIKE A MAN
IS NOT SAYING STUFF LIKE,
"LUPA LINDA! LUPA LINDA!"
NO, DAD,
THAT'S MY VICTORY WORD.
I SCORE AND I SHOUT,
"LUPA LINDA!"
YEAH, WELL, IT'S A STUPID WORD,
AND YOU'RE A STUPID BOY
IF YOU INSIST ON ACTING
LIKE A STUPID GOON
'CAUSE YOU WON
A STUPID GAME.
YEAH, YOU'RE REPULSIVE ENOUGH
WITHOUT FOOSBALL.
YEAH,
DON'T MAKE THINGS WORSE.
YEAH, AND I WANT YOU
TO APOLOGIZE TO YOUR WIFE.
YEAH.
YOU GUYS ARE RIGHT.
I'M SORRY.
GIVE ME THE LUSCIOUS.
THANK YOU.
OH, I'M SO SORRY...
THAT I BEAT YOU LIKE AN OLD RUG!
HA! LUPA LINDA! HA HA!
WE'RE TELLING THE BABY!
HE'LL NEVER RESPECT YOU!
HA!
Michael: HEY, HEY, HEY.
THAT'S IT.
ONE MORE "LUPA LINDA,"
AND YOU AND THAT STUPID FOOSBALL
TABLE GONNA BE OUT THE HOUSE.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY A GAME
OF FOOSBALL WITH THE CHAMP?
NO, I DON'T WANT TO PLAY A GAME
OF FOOSBALL WITH THE CHUMP.
[ SNIFFING ]
WHAT'S THAT SMELL?
WHAT SMELL?
IT SMELLS LIKE FEAR.
HEY!
IS THAT COMING FROM YOU,
DAD?!
ARE YOU SCARED TO PLAY ME?!
ARE YOU AFRAID THAT
YOU'LL GO DOWN IN DEFEAT, TOO?!
BOY, YOU BETTER GET YOUR HOT
BREATH UP OUT OF MY FACE!
AND, NO, I'M NOT GONNA
GET SUCKERED
INTO PLAYING NO STUPID
CHILD'S GAME WITH YOU.
[ CLUCKING ]
I THINK YOU SHOULD
JUST PLAY HIM.
NO, HE WON'T DO THAT
BECAUSE HE'S TOO
[CLUCKING RESUMES]
CHICKEN.
I'M NOT CHICKEN.
I HAPPEN TO BE MATURE.
RIGHT, AN OLD CHICKEN.
[ CLUCKING RESUMES ]
OW, MY HIP.
MAKE HIM STOP, DAD.
STOP WHAT, DOING
THE [CLUCKING RESUMES]
[ High-pitched voice ] OWW.
LET ME CONSULT
WITH YOUR MOTHER.
BABE, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
I THINK YOU OUGHT
TO KICK THIS FOOL'S ASS.
OKAY, IT'S ON.
ME AND YOU, LET'S GO.
LET'S GO, LET'S GO,
LET'S GO!
YOU NEED TO BACK UP!
YOU BETTER BACK UP, BOY!
COME ON, BABY, COME ON.
COME ON, MICHAEL!
LUPA LINDA!
IN YOUR FACE, DADDY, IN YOUR
FACE! ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU STOP YAPPING
AND LET'S JUST PLAY?
ALL RIGHT, 4-4.
NEXT GOAL WINS.
COME ON, MICHAEL.
DO YOU WANT TO TALK,
OR DO YOU WANT TO PLAY FOOS?
LOOK, DAD, ALL I WANT TO KNOW
IS IF YOU'VE EVER BEEN TO... AH!
LUPA LINDA!
[ GRUNTING LOUDLY ]
NOW WE GOT TO PUT UP
WITH MORE OF THIS CRAP.
I'M GONNA MOVE OUT
UNTIL SOMEBODY BEATS HIM.
NO, WE'RE GONNA PLAY THE BEST
TWO OUT OF THREE.
NO, I'M GONNA QUIT
WHILE I'M AHEAD
AND LORD IT OVER YOU
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
IF YOU DON'T
PLAY ME AGAIN,
I'M GONNA FIRE YOU
FROM WORK,
AND THROW YOU
OUT ON THE STREET.
WELL, SINCE YOU
PUT IT THAT WAY...
DAD, YOU NEED A WORD
LIKE HIS "LUPA LINDA."
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK IT SHOULD BE?
WHATEVER COMES TO MIND
WHEN YOU SCORE A GOAL.
YEAH,
JUST LET IT COME OUT.
BOO-YA SHAKA!
Claire: WHERE DID YOU GET
THAT WORD FROM?
[ Chuckling ]
ASK YOUR MAMA.
[ CHUCKLES ]
EW.
OKAY,
THAT WAS A LUCKY SHOT.
OH, YEAH? THIS AIN'T LUCK,
NO LUCK AT ALL.
I'M FEELING THIS NOW.
I'M FEELING IT.
WATCH IT.
OH! BOO-YA SHAKA!
WHOO!
[ LAUGHTER ]
IN YOUR FACE!
LUPA LINDA!
I'M GONNA TELL YOUR SON,
AND HE AIN'T GONNA RESPECT YOU!
THAT WAS GREAT.
I TOLD YOU
MICHAEL COULD DO IT.
LET'S CELEBRATE
WITH SOME DESSERT.
OOH, CHEESECAKE.
ICE CREAM.
HOW ABOUT ICE CREAM
ON TOP OF CHEESECAKE?
IN YOUR FACE, SUCKER!
HUH?! HUH?!
IN YOUR FACE!
THAT'S FIVE GAMES
IN A ROW, BOY!
OKAY, OKAY, DAD.
YEAH, YEAH.
I'M GONNA TELL YOUR BABY
ON YOU,
AND HE AIN'T GONNA
RESPECT YOU NO MORE!
HE GONNA RUN AWAY!
AND LIVE WITH A DIFFERENT FATHER
THAT CAN PLAY FOOSBALL!
IT DOESN'T FEEL VERY GOOD,
DOES IT, JUNIOR?
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I LEARNED MY LESSON, BABY.
I'M SORRY.
YEAH, YOU RIGHT.
YOU SORRY!
YOUR SORRY OFFENSE,
YOU GOT SORRY DEFENSE,
YOU JUST PLAIN OLD SORRY!
WOW.
I'M GONNA TELL YOUR BABY
YOU SORRY!
OKAY, MICHAEL,
THAT'S ENOUGH.
THE BOY LEARNED HIS LESSON.
DON'T DO WHAT HE DID, OKAY?
I'M NOT, JAY.
HE WAS ACTING LIKE A WINNER
WHEN HE WAS REALLY A LOSER
IN WINNER CLOTHING.
YOU SEE ME OUT THERE?
YOU SEE THAT WRIST ACTION?
YEAH, WE SAW YOU.
WAS I GOOD OR NOT?
WAS I GOOD OR GREAT OR WHAT?
YOU WERE GOOD, DAD.
NO, GREAT, WOMAN.
GREAT.
ALL RIGHT.
HOW WAS I
FROM YOUR ANGLE?
LOW BUT GREAT.
ALL RIGHT,
ENOUGH ALREADY.
LET'S JUST ENJOY OUR DESSERT
AND GET BACK TO BEING
A NORMAL FAMILY, PLEASE.
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
LET'S JUST SIT DOWN
AND ENJOY OUR CHEESECAKE
AND OUR ICE CREAM... WHOA!
SORRY, JUNIOR.
THAT'S MY FOOSBALL REFLEXES
STILL AT WORK.
[ CHUCKLES ]
THAT MEANS I GOT
TO PLAY ANOTHER GAME.
ANYBODY WANT TO PLAY?
NO. NO.
NO. NO.
COME ON. SOMEBODY... VANESSA,
YOU WANT SOME OF THAT?
NO, THANKS. I'M SORRY
I EVEN BOUGHT THAT THING.
OH, COME ON. CLAIRE,
LET'S PLAY A LITTLE GAME.
WHY WOULD I WANT TO PLAY
THAT STUPID, RIDICULOUS GAME?
I TELL YOU WHAT...
IF YOU CAN BEAT ME,
I'LL TAKE YOU ON A SHOPPING
SPREE AT THE MALL.
LET'S GO FOOSING.
I'M GONNA KILL HER!
YOU'RE DOING GOOD, HONEY.
YEAH.
YEAH, YOU USE THIS GUY
AS THE DEFENSE, SEE?
THAT ONE'S, RIGHT,
TO GET TO THE BALL,
AND THAT ONE'S YOUR OFFENSE,
AND WHAT HE DOES IS SET YOU UP
FOR BOO-YA SHAKA!
IN YOUR FACE!
THERE GOES YOUR SHOPPING SPREE!
[ LAUGHS ]
LISTEN, I QUIT!
[ Chuckling ]
GO AHEAD, LOSER. GO AHEAD.
BE JUST LIKE YOUR BROTHER.
HOW DO WE DO THIS, JAY?
HOW DO WE END UP WITH A HOUSEFUL OF PUNKS
AND PUNKETTES? HEY, HEY, STOP IT, OKAY?
THIS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND,
MICHAEL.
I'M JUST HAVING
A LITTLE FUN.
YEAH, WELL, IT'S NOT FUN
TO WATCH YOU BELITTLE
YOUR CHILDREN.
HEY, I DIDN'T START WHINING
WHEN I LOST.
I JUST DUG DEEP DOWN INSIDE
AND FOUND THE WARRIOR WITHIN ME,
AND I ROSE TO BECOME THE
CHAMPION THAT I AM RIGHT NOW.
♪ CHAMPION ♪
YEAH, YOU'RE THE CHAMPION
IN YOUR OWN GARAGE.
YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?
HEY, MICHAEL!
NO, NO! NO, JAY.
SHE CAN TALK THE TALK
BUT SHE CAN'T WALK THE WALK.
STEP UP TO THE TABLE,
YOUNG LADY,
AND PUT YOUR MONEY
WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS.
I BET YOUR BIG WHEEL.
LISTEN TO ME.
I WANT YOU TO GO IN THE HOUSE
AND CALM DOWN
AND GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF.
THAT ALWAYS CALMS ME DOWN.
MM-HMM.
FINE.
BUT I KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.
YOU GUYS ARE GONNA TRY
TO CONSPIRE HOW TO BEAT ME,
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU WON'T BE PRACTICING
WHILE I'M AWAY.
[ CHUCKLES ]
BOO-YA SHAKA!
MICHAEL!
I FEEL AWFUL.
I FEEL LIKE I BROUGHT A PLAGUE
INTO THIS HOUSE.
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
IT'S JUNIOR'S FAULT.
HOW IS IT MY FAULT?
YOU'RE THE ONE THAT INTRODUCED
HIM TO THIS STUPID GAME.
HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW HE
WAS GONNA TURN INTO "FOOSBALDY."
THAT'S NOT FUNNY.
LOOK, IT'S NOBODY'S FAULT.
WHAT'S IMPORTANT
IS THAT IT STOPS
SO WE GET YOUR FATHER
TO RETURN TO NORMAL,
OR AS NORMAL AS IS POSSIBLE
FOR HIM.
AND HOW ARE WE
GONNA DO THAT?
SEE, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.
I KNOW THAT HE HAS FALLEN
IN LOVE WITH THIS GAME,
BUT I KNOW SOMETHING
THAT HE LOVES EVEN MORE.
WHAT?
[ CHUCKLES ]
BOO-YA SHAKA.
[ CHUCKLES ]
OH...
OH.
EW. EW.
EW. EW.
Janet: ♪ Get up, get up,
get up, get up ♪
♪ LET'S MAKE LOVE TONIGHT ♪
♪ Wake up, wake up,
wake up, wake up ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU DO IT RIGHT ♪
HEY, BABY.
WHAT'S UP?
YOU SEE SOMETHING YOU LIKE?
I THINK SO.
LET ME TURN ON THIS LIGHT.
WHOO!
DAMN!
LOOK AT THIS TABLE
IN THE LIGHT!
YEAH, I LIKE THIS A LOT!
BOO-YA SHAKA!
BOY, NO YOU DID NOT BRING
THIS TABLE UP IN OUR BEDROOM!
I HAD TO, JAY.
OTHERWISE JUNIOR WOULD
BE DOWNSTAIRS PRACTICING,
AND I CAN'T AFFORD TO GIVE HIM
THAT KIND OF EDGE.
YOU KNOW WHAT, MICHAEL?
I'M GONNA MAKE THIS
REAL EASY FOR YOU.
I WANT YOU TO TAKE A LOOK
AROUND THE ROOM.
YOU GET TO PLAY WITH ONE THING
UP IN HERE
AND ONE THING ONLY
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!
CHOOSE WISELY.
I MEAN, THAT'S EASY.
BUT DO YOU REALLY THINK
THAT THIS TABLE
WILL LAST FOR A LIFETIME?
GET OUT!
WHAT? BABY!
GET OUT RIGHT NOW!
GET OUT, GET OUT!
YOU AND YOUR LITTLE STINKING
TABLE, GET OUT!
LOOK, YOU DON'T MEAN THAT.
SHE DOESN'T MEAN IT, GUYS.
SHE'S JUST A LITTLE
HYSTERICAL.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO?
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO? WHAT?
I'M GOING BACK
IN THAT BATHROOM,
I'M GONNA TAKE
THIS RIDICULOUS OUTFIT OFF
THAT I POURED MYSELF
INTO FOR YOU!
AND WHEN I COME OUT,
YOU BETTER BE PLAYING FOOSBALL
SOMEWHERE ELSE!
COME ON, JAY, YOU'RE
OVERREACTING. NO!
YOU'RE OVERREACTING!
BABY, COME ON, PLEASE,
JUST GIVE THE GAME A CHANCE.
I WAS KIND OF HOPING...
I WAS WISHING...
THAT YOU WOULD COME AND PLAY
WITH ME.
THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT IT
UP THERE.
OKAY, NOW IT'S OUT
OF THE BAG.
COME ON, JAY.
IT'S REALLY SEXY
ONCE YOU GET IT GOING.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,
MICHAEL...
THERE IS NOTHING SEXY
ABOUT THIS LITTLE FOOLISH GAME.
WOULD YOU TRY IT OUT FOR ME?
NO!
PLEASE, BABY? BABY.
NO, MICHAEL!
[ Whining ] I'M FEELING
REALLY HURT RIGHT NOW...
I'M FEELING REALLY
VULNERABLE.
JUST... JUST TOUCH IT.
TOUCH IT AGAIN.
COME ON. HOLD THAT.
YOU FEEL THAT?
YOU FEEL THAT?
YOU FEEL THE POWER
OVER THOSE 10 MEN, HUH?
DON'T YOU FEEL THAT?
[ GIGGLES ]
YOU LIKE THAT, HUH?
IT DOES KIND OF FEEL GOOD.
YEAH, AND YOU LOOK GOOD.
OH! WHOO!
MOVE THE HANDS
BACK AND FORTH.
LIKE THAT?
YEAH.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
WHOA, YEAH.
WHOO. YOU FEEL THAT?
NOW, HOLD ON,
LET ME GET OVER HERE
SO I CAN GET A BETTER LOOK
AT MY BABY.
OH, LOOK AT MY BABY.
[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]
YOU LIKE THIS LIKE THIS?
MMM.
WORK ME, GIRL. WORK ME!
[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]
OH, I LIKE THAT.
WHO'S YOUR DADDY?
MICHAEL.
WHAT'S MY NAME?
MICHAEL.
WHAT'S MY NAME?
MICHAEL.
NO, IT'S BOO-YA SHAKA!
IN YOUR FACE!
IN YOUR FACE!
I SAY IT IN SLOW MOTION.
IN... YOUR... FACE.
THAT'S IT, MICHAEL!
THAT IS IT!
FROM NOW ON, YOU GONNA
BE PLAYING WITH YOURSELF!
I'M TAKING AWAY
ALL OF THIS.
ALL OF THIS, MICHAEL!
ALL OF IT!
COME ON, BABY!
AW, MAN!
I WISH YOU WOULD BE HERE
FOR ME!
COME ON, BABY! PLEASE?
I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE
TO GET NO SLEEP
WITH YOU IN THE BATHROOM
LIKE THAT!
AWWW! JAY!
[ GRUNTING ]
BOO-YA SHAKA!
I SAID BOO-YA SHAKA!
YEAH, BABY.
YEAH, BABY.
I'LL PLAY BOTH SIDES.
I'LL PLAY ME AGAINST ME.
ME AGAINST ME, ME AGAINST...
BOO-YA SHAKA!
OH, MAN.
KIDS, I AM SO SORRY,
BUT I'M GONNA HAVE
TO KILL YOUR FATHER.
NOW, NOW, NOW.
WE HAD SOME GOOD YEARS
WITH HIM,
AND I WANT YOU TO HOLD
ONTO THOSE MEMORIES...
BECAUSE THEY'RE GONNA GET YOU
THROUGH THE MOURNING PERIOD,
AND THEY'RE GONNA
COMFORT YOU...
WHEN MOMMY IS IN JAIL.
YOU'RE NOT REALLY
GONNA KILL HIM...
YEAH!
YEAH, CLAIRE!
YEAH.
IF HE SAYS "BOO-YA SHAKA"
ONE MORE TIME.
THAT'S IT.
HEY, MOM, MOM, MOM, MOM.
HEY, HEY.
THERE'S A BETTER WAY.
WHAT'S BETTER
THAN STRANGLING HIM?
THERE'S A BETTER WAY TO DEAL
WITH THE SITUATION.
YEAH, WE COULD DO AN
INTERVENTION. WHAT'S THAT?
THAT'S WHEN THE LOVED ONES OF A
PERSON WHO'S ADDICTED TO SOMETHING
CONFRONT HIM AND CHALLENGE HIM
TO MAKE A CHANGE.
[ SIGHS ] ALL RIGHT,
LET'S GIVE IT A SHOT.
BOO-YA SHAKA!
AAAH!
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HER?
SHE'S ALL BOO-YA SHAKA'D
OUT, DAD.
YEAH, WE ALL ARE.
MR. KYLE,
WE'VE COME TO THE CONCLUSION
THAT YOU'RE ADDICTED.
YOU'RE A FOOSAHOLIC.
MM-HMM.
I AIN'T NO FOOSAHOLIC.
YES, YOU ARE, MICHAEL,
AND IT'S WORSE.
YOU HAVE "BALLSHEIMER'S."
BALLSHEIMER'S?
YES, MICHAEL,
BALLSHEIMER'S...
WHERE YOU FORGET ABOUT
EVERYTHING ELSE IN LIFE
EXCEPT FOR FOOSBALL.
I'M ABSOLUTELY FINE.
OKAY, THEN WE CAN GET
RID OF THIS TABLE.
NO, HOW ABOUT
WE GET RID OF YOU?
HEY, HEY, MICHAEL!
I DON'T APPRECIATE HER COMING
OUT HER FACE LIKE THAT. MICHAEL!
LISTEN TO YOURSELF!
WHAT?
YOU PUT THIS FOOSBALL TABLE
BEFORE YOUR OWN CHILD!
YOU PUT IT BEFORE
ALL OF THIS!
YOU PUT IT BEFORE EVERYTHING,
MICHAEL!
IT'S BECOME THE MOST IMPORTANT
THING IN LIFE TO YOU!
WELL, MAYBE I HAVE BEEN LOOKING
AT THIS THE WRONG WAY.
THANK YOU.
IT SHOULDN'T HAVE TO COME DOWN
TO A CHOICE
BETWEEN THIS GAME
AND MY FAMILY.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I MEAN,
WE COULD PLAY TOGETHER.
ALL RIGHT, KIDS,
GO ON OUTSIDE.
WHAT HAPPENED?
I'LL CALL YOU
WHEN IT'S DONE.
SHE TOOK THE EARRINGS OFF.
LISTEN, JUST REMEMBER
THAT YOU CAN ALWAYS...
ALWAYS VISIT ME ON SUNDAYS
AND BRING ME LOTS OF BOOKS.
[ Gagging ]
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
LISTEN, LISTEN.
I HAVE A PROPOSITION, OKAY?
IT'S MORE LIKE A CHALLENGE.
ALL RIGHT. LET'S HEAR IT.
OKAY.
YOU READY?
I SAY WE HAVE A TOURNAMENT.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
LISTEN. NO, NO.
NO, NO, HEAR ME OUT.
I'LL PLAY EACH AND EVERY ONE
OF YOU, ALL RIGHT?
AND ANYBODY ELSE
YOU CAN FIND.
AND IF YOU CAN SCORE
JUST ONE POINT ON ME,
I'LL CHOP THIS THING UP
INTO LITTLE TOOTHPICKS.
ONE POINT?
THAT'S RIGHT, ONE POINT.
Mom, I'm sure we could
find somebody
that could score
at least one goal.
WOULD YOU JUST GET...
Yeah, I think
it's a reasonable bet.
And if he wins, we're no
worse off than we are now.
Yeah, then you can whack him.
Either way, happy ending.
YOU LIKE IT?
MM-HMM.
WOULD YOU...
Yeah, we either get our Dad
back or the monster falls.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, MICHAEL, ONE GOAL,
AND THEN IT'S OVER.
OKAY, LET THE GAMES BEGIN.
COME ON,
WHO'S MY FIRST VICTIM?
I AM.
COME ON, MAMA!
BOO-YA SHAKA!
NO!
NEXT!
Janet:
COME ON, COME ON.
Claire:
YOU CAN DO IT, TONY.
YEAH, TONY, COME ON.
OH, COME ON.
HEY, TONY...
WHAT DOES A GHOST SAY?
BOO?
YA SHAKA!
[ CHUCKLES ]
OHHH!
TAKE A SEAT!
HE'S GOING DOWN.
HE'S GOING DOWN.
I DOUBT IT, I DOUBT IT.
OH, HE'S GOOD.
GET HIM.
WATCH THIS.
BOO-YA SHAKA!
Claire: DAD!
Janet: COME ON, JUNIOR.
YOU CAN DO THIS.
MOM, COULD YOU HOLD ON?
I GOT A COLLECT CALL
FROM BOO-YA SHAKA!
[ GROANS ]
COME ON, BABE.
CONCENTRATE.
Janet:
LET HER CONCENTRATE!
I GOT YOU RIGHT
WHERE I WANT YOU.
COME ON, COME ON!
I'M GONNA DO THIS
WITH TELEPATHY.
BOO-YA SHAKA!
AAAAH!
DON'T TOUCH ME.
DON'T TOUCH ME.
NEXT!
Janet:
CAREFUL, BABY, CAREFUL.
YEAH, BABY, CAREFUL.
COME ON, BABY.
DON'T GET UPSET.
JUST CONCENTRATE.
BOO-YA SHAKA!
THAT'S FIVE.
GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I CAN'T BEAT HIM!
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU PLAY
LIKE A LITTLE GIRL!
I AM A LITTLE GIRL!
MICHAEL,
YOU ARE MAKING HER CRY!
AW, BOO-HOO-HOO-YA SHAKA!
[ LAUGHS ]
LOOK, THE KING OF FOOS IS GOING
TO RETIRE TO HIS THRONE.
YOU GUYS PRACTICE WHILE I HAVE
TO GO SOAK MY WRISTS.
IS THERE ANYBODY
WHO CAN BEAT HIM?
I KNOW ONE PERSON.
WHO? WHO?
WHO? WHO?
THEY CALL HIM...
EL FOOSAY.
[ WHISTLING ]
OKAY, SO WHERE'S
THIS MYSTERY PLAYER?
WHO'S MY NEXT VICTIM?
YOUR NEXT OPPONENT
IS NONE OTHER THAN...
THE LEGENDARY EL FOOSAY.
HA HA HA HA.
[ Spanish accent ]
YOU'RE GOING DOWN, SEñOR.
I AIN'T AFRAID OF YOU.
I'M AT THE TOP OF MY GAME, SIR.
WE WILL SEE ABOUT THAT.
NOW, LET'S PLAY FOOSBALL
AND NONE OF THIS CHILD'S PLAY.
LET'S PLAY TO CINCO!
AND NO SPINNING.
OKAY, YOU'RE ON.
[ BOTH GRUNTING ]
PANCHO VILLA!
[ CHEERING ]
YES!
YES!
GET HIM!
LET'S DO IT AGAIN, HUH?
[ BOTH GRUNTING ]
PANCHO VILLA!
AHHH!
WHOO!
BOO-YA SHAKA!
WHOO!
I'M ABOUT TO THROW YOU
OUT MY GARAGE.
[ GRUNTING ]
NO. NO SPINNING.
PANCHO VILLA!
AAH!
WHOO!
SO WHAT?
THAT'S ONLY THREE.
[ GRUNTING ]
[ WHISTLING ]
PANCHO VILLA!
YES!
IN YOUR FACE, DADDY!
CUATRO TO CERO.
ONE MORE POINT,
AND YOU ARE DEAD TO FOOSBALL.
YEAH?
WELL, I'M NOT SCARED
OF YOU, MUMFORD.
LET'S GO!
YOU KNOW... I DO HAVE
TO COMPLIMENT YOU,
NOT ONLY ON YOUR STYLE OF PLAY
BUT ON YOUR PHYSICAL PRESENCE.
YOU KNOW,
YOU ARE QUITE IMPOSING.
[ PANTING AND GRUNTING ]
I'VE BEEN WORKING OUT
REALLY HARD!
AND IT SHOWS.
YOU KNOW...
YOUR FOREARMS ARE SPECTACULAR.
ESPECIALLY THE...
PANCHO VILLA!
[ CHEERING ]
[ PANTING ]
Janet: HA!
GOOD GAME, MUMFORD.
THANKS, MR. KYLE.
AND NOW I MUST SING
MY VICTORY SONG.
♪ AY AY AY AY ♪
♪ I AM EL FOOSAY ♪
♪ I BEAT YOUR BUTT
IN FOOSBALL TODAY ♪
♪ NOW YOU MUST THROW
THE TABLE AWAY ♪
♪ AY AY AY AY ♪
♪ I AM EL FOOSAY ♪
ADIOS, AMIGOS.
HE'S WONDERFUL.
YEAH, HE'S GREAT.
WHAT'S IMPORTANT
IS THAT IT STOPS
SO WE GET YOUR FATHER
TO RETURN TO NORMAL,
OR AS NORMAL AS IS POSSIBLE
FOR HIM.
HOW ARE... SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
AAH! DON'T YOU KNOW HOW HARD
THAT LINE IS?!
[ Laughing ] I'M SORRY.
BOO-YA SHAKA!
IN YOUR FACE!
IN YOUR FACE!
IN YOUR FACE!
LUPA LINDA! LUPA LINDA!
I'M GONNA TELL YOUR CHILD,
AND HE AIN'T GONNA RESPECT YOU!
WELL, I BEAT YOU!
YOU WANT TO GET BACK
ON THE TABLE?!
HUH?! HUH?! HUH?!
LUPA LINDA!
[ GRUNTING LOUDLY ]
I'M GONNA MOVE OUT
UNTIL SOMEBODY BEATS HIM.
NO, WE GONNA PLAY
BEST THREE OUT OF TWO.
[ LAUGHS ]