My Wife and Kids (2001–2005): Season 5, Episode 10 - The Wedding - full transcript
Jr. and Vanessa's plan for a small, simple wedding get drowned out by Michael and Jay's lavish plans for the wedding of the century. Vanessa finally puts her foot down when Jr. can't stand up to his father and they run away to elope.
♪ MY LOVE ♪
♪ THERE'S ONLY YOU
IN MY LIFE ♪
SING, BABY!
♪ THE ONLY THING
THAT'S RIGHT ♪
♪ MY FIRST LOVE ♪
♪ YOU'RE EVERY BREATH
THAT I TAKE ♪
♪ YOU'RE EVERY STEP
I MAKE ♪
EWW! GET A ROOM.
THIS IS LIKE A COMMERCIAL
FOR A LITTLE BLUE PILL.
WOW. DON'T HATE BECAUSE YOUR
MOTHER AND I ARE STILL IN LOVE...
THANK YOU.
...AND I CAN STILL DO MY THING.
RIGHT, BOY! DON'T START! EWW!
HA HA!
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH BEING IN LOVE.
JUST DON'T DO IT
IN FRONT OF ME.
WHY CAN'T YOU GUYS BE LIKE
REGULAR PARENTS?
AND HOW ARE NORMAL PARENTS
SUPPOSED TO ACT?
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO ARGUE
AND FIGHT
AND NOT SPEAK TO EACH OTHER
FOR WEEKS AT A TIME.
AND THEN GET DRUNK EVERY NIGHT
SO YOU CAN STAND BEING
IN EACH OTHER'S COMPANY.
WHY CAN'T YOU GUYS
JUST BE NORMAL?
MAYBE SHE'S RIGHT, BABE.
YOU THINK?
NAH.
♪ AND I ♪
TAKE IT AWAY, BABY.
♪ I WANT TO SHARE ♪
SHARE YOUR LOVE.
♪ ALL MY LOVE ♪
♪ WITH YOU ♪
OOH, I'M FEELING IT!
♪ NO ONE ELSE WILL DO ♪
NOBODY ELSE.
AND... AND... OHH.
SOMEONE ELSE WILL DO.
GOTTA GO.
I CAN'T COMPETE WITH THAT.
GIVE ME THAT BABY.
HERE YOU GO.
SAY HI TO GRANDMA.
YOU'RE GETTING BIG.
BY THE WAY, JUNIOR AND I
HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT.
YEAH, WE'VE BEEN TALKING,
AND WE'VE PICKED A DATE
FOR THE WEDDING.
LOOK AT THEM DIMPLES.
AND LOOK AT
THE LITTLE NOSE!
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
I SAID,
LOOK AT THE LITTLE NOSE!
NO, HE SAID SOMETHING.
OH.
I SAID, WE'VE PICKED
A DATE FOR THE WEDDING.
TWO WEEKS FROM TODAY!
TWO WEEKS?
WE CAN'T PLAN
NO WEDDING IN TWO WEEKS.
WE NEED AT LEAST A MONTH.
NO, THAT DAY
IS SPECIAL TO US.
IT'S ONE YEAR
FROM OUR FIRST DATE.
OH, THAT'S SWEET.
OKAY, FINE.
IF TWO WEEKS IS ALL
YOU'RE GONNA GIVE US,
THEN WE'LL WORK WITH TWO WEEKS.
WE GOTTA FIND A LOCATION,
A CATERER, A PHOTOGRAPHER,
A FLORIST... YOU DON'T MIND
IF WE HELP, DO YOU?
NO, I GUESS NOT.
GOOD, GOOD, GOOD!
WHAT KIND OF WEDDING
DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?
I-I HADN'T REALLY
THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
GOOD.
DON'T THINK ABOUT IT.
YOUR PARENTS
ARE GONNA HANDLE IT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
WE GOT IT.
NOW WE NEED A THEME.
MEDIEVAL.
OH, YOU LITTLE...
I'M BRILLIANT!
HEY, KADY,
HOW'S YOUR BALLET CLASS GOING?
IT'S GOOD,
BUT ALL THE BOYS ARE GAY.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU CAN'T BE GAY AT 8.
YEAH, YOU CAN.
IT KICKS IN AT 6.
YOU'RE CRAZY.
BESIDES, YOU CAN'T
JUST LOOK AT A PERSON
AND TELL IF THEY'RE GAY
OR NOT.
I CAN.
I HAVE GAY-DAR.
YOU DO NOT HAVE GAY-DAR.
I REALLY DO.
KNOW MR. JACOBS...
THE DRY CLEANER WITH THE BOW TIE
AND THE MONOCLE?
YEAH.
GAY.
THAT'S CRAZY.
YOU KNOW THE CHECKER
AT THE SUPERMARKET
WHO WEARS CLOGS
WITH ARGYLE SOCKS?
GAY?
SUPER GAY.
WOW.
NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG
WITH BEING GAY.
IT'S REMARKABLE.
UH-HUH.
REMIND ME TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT TONY.
TONY'S NOT GAY.
THAT'S NOT WHAT
MY GAY-DAR SAYS.
WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO!
WOO WOO WOO!
WELL, IT SURE SEEMS YOUR PARENTS
ARE EXCITED ABOUT THIS.
YEAH,
THEY'RE REALLY SUPPORTIVE.
YEAH, AND I THINK
WE SHOULD START THINKING
ABOUT THE KIND
OF CEREMONY WE WANT,
TO GIVE THEM SOME DIRECTION.
OKAY, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WELL,
I THINK SIMPLE IS GOOD.
YEAH, I MEAN, THAT'S WHY
YOU'RE MARRYING ME.
[ LAUGHS ]
WHAT? [ LAUGHS ]
OKAY, OKAY.
SO A SMALL CEREMONY
WITH A FEW ROSE PETALS
SPRINKLED ON THE GROUND,
A MODEST DRESS.
JUST THE FAMILY.
SOMETHING WARM AND INTIMATE.
YEAH.
YOU KNOW, KNOWING THEM,
THAT'S PROBABLY EXACTLY
WHAT THEY HAVE PLANNED.
JUST SMALL, INTIMATE.
SIMPLE.
LIKE ME. [ LAUGHS ]
WE HAVE MADE TREMENDOUS PROGRESS
WITH YOUR WEDDING.
OH, YES, WE HAVE.
WAIT TILL YOU HEAR
WHAT WE HAVE PLANNED.
FIRST OF ALL... LOCATION.
CLAIRE... BROCHURE.
BAM!
[ LAUGHS ]
THAT'S THE BRIARCLIFF
COUNTRY CLUB AND CASTLE,
LOCATED OFF THE BEAUTIFUL SHORES
OF LAKE CRYSTALLINE, OKAY?
IT WAS PREVIOUSLY BOOKED
BY ANOTHER WEDDING.
BUT GUESS WHAT?
THE GROOM DIED!
YEAH!
AND WE GOT IT!
YES!
HA HA!
YES! DID WE LUCK OUT, OR WHAT?
WOW, IT CERTAINLY
IS BEAUTIFUL.
HEY, ARE THERE ANY FISH
IN THE LAKE?
PBBT!
ONLY THE ONES
WE'RE BRINGING IN.
16 TRAINED DOLPHINS
STRAIGHT FROM HAWAII THAT,
THAT WHEN YOU SAY "I DO,"
THEY LEAP OUT OF THE WATER
AND FORM THE SHAPE OF A HEART
WITH AN ARROW GOING
STRAIGHT THROUGH IT.
DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S
A LITTLE OVER THE TOP?
YOU'RE RIGHT.
LOSE ONE OF THE DOLPHINS.
THE ONE WITH THE ARROW.
GONE.
OKAY, COOL.
NOW, ONTO YOUR ENTRANCE,
VANESSA.
WHILE OUR OWN
BEAUTIFUL JAYBIRD, YES,
THE SONGSTRESS SERENADES
THE CROWD
WITH HER OWN RENDITION
OF "QUE SERA, SERA."
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE,
WILL BE ♪
♪ THE FUTURE'S
NOT OURS TO SEE ♪
♪ QUE SERA, SERA ♪
♪ QUE SERA, SERA ♪
OKAY, BABY.
SAVE A LITTLE.
OH, YEAH,
I NEED TO SAVE MY VOICE.
YES, YOU DO.
OKAY, SO OKAY.
GIRLS, COME ON.
LET'S GO.
VANESSA, WHILE I AM SINGING...
AND YES, I WILL BE...
SINGING!
...YOU ARE GONNA BE WALKING
DOWN THE AISLE...
LOOK AT THIS.
...IN THIS.
LOOK HOW BEAUTIFUL.
IS THIS NOT THE BOMB?
WHAT IS IT? A PARACHUTE? A TARP?
A CIRCUS TENT?
A CAR COVER FOR A TOUR BUS?
NO, SILLIES!
THIS IS MY WEDDING DRESS.
OHH.
COME ON, GET UP.
HOLD IT UP.
COME ON,
HOLD IT UP TO YOU.
I CAN'T WEAR THIS.
NOW, I KNOW IT'S WHITE,
BUT NOBODY WILL NOTICE,
I PROMISE... SHH.
NO, MRS. KYLE,
I CAN'T FIT INTO THIS.
JUST HOLD IT UP
TO YOURSELF.
I CAN'T WEAR THIS.
[ Voice breaking ]
OH, MY GOODNESS.
YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
IT MUST BE LIKE
LOOKING IN A MIRROR, HUH?
IT IS!
OH, GOD, IT IS!
OKAY, OKAY.
LET ME GET IT TOGETHER.
LET ME GET IT TOGETHER.
NOW THAT WE HAVE
THE BRIDE SQUARED AWAY,
WE GOT TO CONCENTRATE
ON THE BRIDESMAIDS.
TONY! SWATCHES!
COME ON, HURRY UP!
OKAY, SO I'VE HIGHLIGHTED
MY FAVORITE ONES.
SO FAR, I LIKE THE MAUVE,
THE CHARTREUSE,
AND THE ENTIRE CITRUS FAMILY.
WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO!
SHUT UP!
DO WE REALLY NEED BRIDESMAIDS?
WELL, IF WE DON'T
HAVE BRIDESMAIDS,
WHO'S GONNA GALLOP IN
ON THE CLYDESDALES?
CLYDESDALES?
YEAH.
BAD NEWS
ON THE CLYDESDALES.
THEY'RE ALREADY BOOKED
FOR A BEER COMMERCIAL.
BUT FOR THE SAME PRICE,
I CAN GET 1,000 SHETLAND PONIES.
I DON'T WANT SHETLAND PONIES,
OKAY?
I WANT CLYDESDALES.
YOU'RE THE WEDDING COORDINATOR.
COORDINATE IT.
[ GROANS ]
HORSES REALLY AREN'T NECESSARY,
MR. KYLE.
I BEG TO DIFFER. OKAY?
WITHOUT THE HORSES,
HOW ARE THE BRIDESMAIDS
GONNA JUMP THE RAVINE?
THEY SWOOP YOU UP,
THEY LEAP THE RAVINE,
WE RELEASE THE HOUNDS,
THEY CHASE THE FOX,
JUNIOR RIDES IN WITH HIS SABER,
AND HE RESCUES YOU.
BUT DAD, I DON'T KNOW
HOW TO USE A SABER!
SABER LESSONS
TUESDAY AT 11:00.
WEAR TIGHTS AND A CUP.
WOW, THIS HAS REALLY
TURNED INTO QUITE A PRODUCTION.
WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WE PUT A LOT OF WORK INTO THIS.
I'M ON THE PHONE WITH THE
WEDDING FIREWORKS FAMILY.
HOLD ON.
[ SPEAKING JAPANESE ]
BOOM!
NO... KABOOM!
TELL THEM KABOOM!
KABOOM, KABOOM, KABOOM!
VERY GOOD.
OKAY, NOW, TONY, HOW ARE
THE FLOWERS COMING ALONG?
WELL, WE CAN GET THE ROSES TO
COVER THE ENTIRE ALTAR,
BUT I WAS THINKING
MORE OF LIKE CALLA LILIES.
WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO!
WHY DO YOU KEEP
DOING THAT?
CLAIRE KNOWS.
AND I SUSPECT TONY DOES, TOO.
LOOK, DOES THIS HAVE ANYTHING TO
DO WITH THE WEDDING?
NO.
OKAY, THEN CUT IT OUT.
AND YOU, WHEN I WANT YOU
TO GIVE ME YOUR OPINION,
I'LL ASK YOU FOR IT.
OKAY? COMPRENDE?
NOW GET THE ROSES.
I AM TRYING AS HARD AS I CAN.
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE
SUCH A MEANIE ALL THE TIME?
LET ME HANDLE THIS.
TONY, COME HERE.
BEND DOWN.
A LITTLE CLOSER.
BE A MAN!
AAH!
HE'LL BE FINE.
OKAY...
SO NOW WE HAVE SAVED
THE BEST FOR LAST.
THERE'S MORE?
OH, IS THERE MORE?
YOU TWO WILL HAVE
YOUR FIRST DANCE
WITH JAY AND I SERENADING YOU
WITH "ENDLESS LOVE."
♪ MY FIRST LOVE ♪
♪ YOU'RE EVERY BREATH
THAT I TAKE ♪
Both:
♪ YOU'RE EVERY STEP I MAKE ♪
♪ AND I ♪
[ VOCALIZING ]
HE'S ASLEEP.
GOOD,
'CAUSE WE NEED TO TALK.
YEAH, WE DO.
I'M REALLY WORRIED
ABOUT THIS WHOLE SABER THING.
I MEAN,
THOSE LOOK COMPLICATED.
AND WHAT IS THIS CUP FOR?
I'M WORRIED
ABOUT THE WHOLE THING.
THE DOLPHINS,
THE CLYDESDALES,
THE RAVINES,
YOUR MOTHER'S GIGANTIC DRESS.
THIS IS NOT WHAT WE WANT.
BUT IF THEY'RE WILLING TO
SPEND THE MONEY ON US,
WHO ARE WE TO SAY NO?
WE'RE THE BRIDE AND GROOM.
WE'RE THE ONES GETTING MARRIED,
THAT'S WHO WE ARE.
OKAY, BUT WHAT
CAN I DO ABOUT IT?
TALK TO YOUR DAD.
SEE IF YOU CAN GET HIM TO
SCALE IT BACK.
WHERE DO WE DRAW THE LINE?
THE DOLPHINS? THE FIREWORKS?
THE BRIDESMAIDS?
LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO
SOUND UNGRATEFUL,
BUT THIS IS A RUNAWAY TRAIN.
YOU HAVE TO TALK TO HIM.
MAN,
BUT HE'S KIND OF SCARY.
YOU THINK HE'S SCARY?
MM-HMM.
YOU BETTER STOP ALL OF THIS
BEFORE I SHOW YOU
WHAT SCARY REALLY IS.
AND THEN FINALLY,
AS THE LAST FIREWORKS
FALL INTO THE LAKE,
THE F-16s... VROOM!
FLY OVER AT 300 FEET,
SCATTERING ROSE PETALS
IN THEIR WAKE.
WHOO-HOO!
HUH?
THAT SOUNDS EXPENSIVE.
GOOD GOLLY!
WELL, YEAH!
THIS IS THE ONLY TIME
YOUR ONLY DAUGHTER
AND MY ONLY SON
ARE GONNA GET MARRIED.
I THINK WE SHOULD GO ALL-OUT.
I AGREE.
PUT US DOWN FOR $100.
$100?
WHOO!
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO WITH $100?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
NO.
I THINK $100
WOULD BE PRETTY FINE.
HERE'S YOUR FIRST
$10 PAYMENT.
I COULD BUY
A ROSE PETAL WITH THAT.
WE COULD... TIP THE
DOLPHIN. JASMINE, JASMINE.
YEAH, JASMINE, SINCE VANESSA'S
GOING TO BE WEARING MY DRESS...
WHOA, WHOA.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOUR DRESS?
YES, MY DRESS.
I WANTED VANESSA TO WEAR
MY SILVER JUMPSUIT
LIKE PATTI LaBELLE WORE.
YOU KNOW, "VOULEZ-VOUS COUCHER
AVEC MOI, CE SOIR."
THIS IS VANESSA'S WEDDING.
WHY DON'T WE LET VANESSA DECIDE?
VANESSA, HONEY, DO YOU WANT TO
WEAR MY DRESS OR HERS?
OKAY, SPACE SUIT
OR THE TARP.
UM, LET ME ASK JUNIOR
AND GET HIS DECISION.
TARP?
I'VE GOT THE CATERER
ON THE PHONE.
HOW MANY TRUFFLES?
HOW MANY PEOPLE
ON THE GUEST LIST?
INCLUDING THE F-16 PILOTS
AND THE DOLPHIN TRAINERS,
THAT'S 751 PEOPLE.
OKAY, 751 TRUFFLES.
DONE. AND HOW'S THE CAVIAR
COMING? IS IT GONNA BE FRESH?
THE STURGEON ARE SPAWNING
AS WE SPEAK.
PERFECT!
DAD, I NEED TO
TALK TO YOU.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT, SON?
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU, TOO.
BOTH OF YOU.
NOW, I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT I HAVE NEVER BEEN
MORE EXCITED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER.
I AM SO GLAD
YOU TWO ARE GETTING MARRIED.
AND PROUD.
ME, TOO.
SO WHAT DID YOU WANT TO
TALK ABOUT, SON?
UH... WELL...
OKAY, OKAY.
LOOK, WE REALLY
APPRECIATE EVERYTHING
YOU GUYS ARE DOING FOR US.
OH, WE HAVEN'T
EVEN BEGUN.
YOU HAVEN'T?
FEAST YOUR EARS ON THIS.
WHAT IS THAT?
WEDDING VOWS.
WHAT?! BUT WE HAVEN'T
WRITTEN ANYTHING YET.
HONEY, ANYTHING YOU WRITE IS NOT
GONNA COMPARE TO THESE WORDS.
NOW, IT'S A LITTLE LENGTHY,
SO I'M JUST GONNA GIVE YOU
A LITTLE TASTE.
I'M JUST GONNA WHET
YOUR WHISTLE.
ALL RIGHT.
VANESSA, THIS IS YOU TO JUNIOR.
"HOW LUCKY I AM TO MARRY A GUY
WITH SUCH FANTASTIC PARENTS.
"YOU KNOW, THEY SAY AN APPLE
DOESN'T FAR FROM THE TREE,
AND YOU'RE A HELL OF AN APPLE."
THAT'S YOU TO HIM.
"BUT LOOK AT THIS TREE."
THAT'S US, OKAY?
"IT'S NOT EVEN AN APPLE TREE.
"IT'S MORE LIKE A TOWERING
REDWOOD OR A GIANT SEQUOIA.
A MIGHTY OAK.
IT'S THE KIND OF TREE..."
I CAN'T SAY THAT.
OH, SURE YOU CAN.
YOU JUST NEED
SOME ELOCUTION LESSONS.
ELOCUTION LESSONS?
ELOCUTION LESSONS.
FRIDAY AT 1:15, AND BE PROMPT.
THAT'S PROMPT WITH A "T."
HOLD ON A SECOND.
VOWS ARE PERSONAL.
THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY
WHAT'S IN YOUR HEART.
I'M TELLING YOU
WHAT'S IN YOUR HEART.
IT'S RIGHT THERE...
THE SEQUOIA.
NO!
I WANT TO SAY,
"JUNIOR, I LOVE YOU
MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF."
[ LAUGHS ]
GET OUT OF HERE!
THAT'S BORING. WAIT A
MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU EXPECT 751 PEOPLE TO SIT
THERE AND LISTEN TO YOU SAY,
"JUNIOR, I LOVE YOU
MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF"?
LIFE ITSELF?!
IT'S JUST NOT GOOD, SWEETIE.
"JUNIOR, I LOVE YOU
MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF."
NO PIZZAZZ, BABY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER?
SHE PROBABLY
JUST HAS THE JITTERS.
I'LL GO TALK TO HER.
OKAY, YOU DO THAT.
ALL RIGHT.
LOOK, GUYS, LET'S FOCUS.
LET'S FOCUS AGAIN,
AND LET'S TALK ABOUT
THE HONEYMOON.
NOW, WHAT DO WE SEE
VANESSA WEARING?
OH, WELL,
MY SILVER JUMPSUIT.
WELL, THAT WAS
A GREAT JOB, JUNIOR.
YOU REALLY STUCK UP
FOR YOURSELF AND FOR ME.
YEAH, BUT IT'S SO HARD.
THEY SEEM SO EXCITED AND HAPPY.
WELL, I'M NOT.
I'M UPSET!
IT'S NOT SO BAD.
THE MAN IS WRITING
MY WEDDING VOWS, JUNIOR!
I MEAN, IT'S JUST ONE DAY.
IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY
OF MY LIFE, JUNIOR!
MY WEDDING DAY!
OUR WEDDING DAY!
AND IT'S BEING HIJACKED!
WELL, WHAT CAN I DO, VANESSA?
HE'S MY FATHER!
YOU KNOW WHAT, JUNIOR?
DON'T DO ANYTHING.
INCLUDING MARRYING ME.
OH, COME ON,
YOU DON'T MEAN THAT.
OKAY, SO NOW
YOU'RE TELLING ME
WHAT I MEAN
AND WHAT I DON'T MEAN?
WHY DON'T YOU CHECK WITH YOUR
FATHER AND ASK HIM WHAT I MEAN?
YOU KNOW MAYBE HE'S RIGHT.
MAYBE THE APPLE DOESN'T FALL
TOO FAR FROM THE TREE.
'CAUSE IF YOU CAN'T
STAND UP TO YOUR DAD,
YOU'RE NOT READY TO
MARRY ANYBODY.
[ DOOR SLAMS ]
DAD, I NEED TO
TALK TO YOU.
I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE,
SON.
I WAS JUST WORKING
ON YOUR VOWS TO VANESSA.
DO YOU LIKE THIS?
"I LOVE YOU
MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF."
[ LAUGHS ]
I'M KIDDING.
LOOK, NOW, WOULD YOU DESCRIBE
HER AS A RADIANT BEAUTY
OR A MAGNIFICENT CREATURE?
I WOULD DESCRIBE HER
AS A HOMICIDAL MANIAC.
VANESSA'S VERY, VERY UPSET.
WHY? SHE FEELS THIS WEDDING
HAS GOTTEN OUT OF HAND.
SHE'S A WOMAN.
WHAT DO WOMEN KNOW
ABOUT WEDDINGS, ANYWAY?
LOOK, SHE'S JUST EMOTIONAL.
LOOK, ONCE SHE SEES THOSE
16 DOLPHINS
RISE OUT OF THE WATER
AND DO THAT BACKWARD THING
THAT THEY DO LIKE THAT...
WE ACTUALLY TRAINED ONE OF
THEM TO SAY,
[ IMITATES DOLPHIN CHIRPING ]
"CONGRATULATIONS."
REALLY?
"CONGRATULATIONS"?
[ BOTH IMITATE
DOLPHIN CHIRPING ]
WOW.
I MEAN, THAT'S COOL,
BUT THAT'S NOT
THE WEDDING VANESSA WANTS.
SO WHAT?
IT'S NOT THE WEDDING
I WANT, EITHER.
WOULD YOU CARE TO
ELABORATE?
I MEAN, WHAT PART
OF THIS HERCULEAN EFFORT
THAT YOUR MOTHER AND I ARE
PUTTING FORTH DO YOU OBJECT TO?
ALL OF IT. OH,
THAT'S IT? ALL OF IT?
LOOK, YOU AND MOM
ARE TRYING TO IMPOSE
YOUR WEDDING DREAMS ON US.
AND?
AND WE WANT A SIMPLE CEREMONY
WHERE OUR LOVE
TAKES CENTER STAGE,
NOT TALKING DOLPHINS
AND FIREWORKS.
OKAY, I THINK I UNDERSTAND
WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY.
YOU WANT A SIMPLE CEREMONY
WHERE LOVE TAKES CENTER STAGE
WITH A SABER AND F-16s.
NO!
ARE YOU TELLING ME NO?
YES.
ARE YOU SAYING YES OR NO?
YES, I'M SAYING NO.
WOW.
THAT'S A WHOLE LOT OF MAN
I'M HEARING IN YOUR VOICE.
SORRY, DAD.
I'M JUST REALLY ADAMANT
ABOUT THIS.
LISTEN, JUNIOR, YOUR MOTHER
AND I ARE TRYING TO
GIVE YOU AND VANESSA
THE WEDDING WE DIDN'T HAVE.
WE HAD A SIMPLE CEREMONY
IN A RINKY-DINK CHURCH
WITH A JUSTICE OF THE PEACE.
WHAT YOU AND MOM HAVE
IS BEAUTIFUL.
AND ME AND VANESSA
WANT THE WEDDING YOU HAD
BECAUSE WE WANT
THE MARRIAGE YOU HAVE.
THINK ABOUT IT, JUNIOR.
THE CLYDESDALES.
TRUFFLES.
A SABER.
YOU ON A CLYDESDALE
WITH A FIG LEAF ON
AND A SABER IN YOUR HAND, HUH?
THAT'S SOMETHING YOU TELL
YOUR KIDS ABOUT.
NO, YOU DON'T.
OR YOUR THERAPIST.
BUT YOU TELL SOMEBODY ABOUT IT.
LOOK, IN GOOD CONSCIENCE,
I CAN'T LET YOU GET MARRIED THE
SAME WAY YOUR MOTHER AND I DID.
WELL, THAT'S WHAT
WE'RE GONNA DO.
AND I HOPE YOU'RE THERE,
BUT IF YOU'RE NOT,
WE'LL UNDERSTAND.
THANK YOU, DAD.
I HOPE TO SEE YOU
AT THE WEDDING.
IT'S BEEN 20 MINUTES, KIDS.
I CAN'T WAIT MUCH LONGER.
JUNIOR, I DON'T THINK
THEY'RE COMING.
LOOK, MAYBE THEY'RE
STUCK IN TRAFFIC.
HONEY, LET'S FACE IT.
IF OUR PARENTS WERE COMING,
THEY'D BE HERE BY NOW.
YEAH.
ALL RIGHT, WE'RE READY.
OH, GOODY.
HERE WE GO.
WAIT A MINUTE,
DON'T YOU NEED A WITNESS?
DAD, MOM!
MOM, DAD!
YOU DIDN'T THINK
WE'D MISS THIS, DID YOU?
SORRY WE'RE LATE.
CALVIN THOUGHT
HE KNEW A SHORTCUT.
WELL, IT WAS A SHORTCUT.
TO JERSEY.
YEAH, WELL,
THIS IS CONNECTICUT.
YOU TWO...
YOU LOOK VERY FAMILIAR.
WE SHOULD.
YOU MARRIED US 20 YEARS AGO.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU WERE WEARING
THAT ENORMOUS WEDDING DRESS.
AND YOU HAD
A FULL HEAD OF HAIR.
SO DID YOU.
TOUCHé.
TOUPEE.
[ LAUGHS ]
LOOK...
GUYS, I WANT TO APOLOGIZE
FOR YOUR MOTHER GETTING
CARRIED AWAY
AND REALLY TAKING
THIS THING OUT...
MICHAEL! OKAY, WE
BOTH GOT CARRIED AWAY
AND TRIED TO TAKE OVER
YOUR WEDDING, AND WE'RE SORRY.
BUT MOSTLY, WE WANTED TO SAY
THAT WE WISH YOU BOTH THE BEST,
AND HOW HAPPY WE ARE FOR YOU,
AND THAT WE LOVE YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU.
AND WE LOVE YOU, TOO.
OKAY, LET'S GET
THIS WEDDING UNDERWAY.
I HAVE A FUNERAL TO PERFORM
THIS AFTERNOON.
THE POOR GUY WAS SUPPOSED TO
BE GETTING MARRIED TODAY.
AT LAKE CRYSTALLINE?
YOU KNOW HIM?
YEAH.
R-REALLY SAD, SAD SITUATION.
MAY I ASK YOU A QUESTION?
DOES YOUR ORGAN WORK?
OH, YOU MEAN THE ORGAN.
YES, YES IT DOES.
DOES ANYONE OBJECT TO
ME PROVIDING THE MUSIC?
NO, NO.
WOULD YOU MIND SINGING,
"QUE SERA, SERA"?
I WOULD LOVE TO.
OKAY, EVERYBODY COME IN
AND HAVE A SEAT.
IT'S SHOWTIME!
JUNIOR, I'VE WATCHED
YOU GROW FROM A BOY
TO THE MAN OF MY DREAMS.
I PROMISE TO
NEVER TAKE YOU FOR GRANTED
AND TO DO EVERYTHING
I CAN TO MAKE EACH DAY WE SHARE
BETTER THAN THE LAST.
JUNIOR, I LOVE YOU
MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF.
IT'S A LITTLE BETTER
IN CONTEXT.
VANESSA, MY LIFE BEGAN
THE MOMENT YOU WALKED INTO IT.
YOUR BELIEF IN ME
GAVE ME THE COURAGE TO
BECOME THE MAN
I KNEW I COULD BECOME.
YOU'VE GIVEN ME YOUR LOVE
AND A BEAUTIFUL SON...
...AND TODAY,
I GIVE YOU MY HEART.
I LOVE YOU, VANESSA.
THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
DO YOU, MICHAEL KYLE JR...
I DO!
HANG ON.
...TAKE THIS WOMAN,
VANESSA SCOTT...
I DO! WAIT FOR IT.
I'LL LET YOU KNOW.
...AS YOUR
LAWFULLY WEDDED WIFE?
NOW.
I DO.
AND DO YOU, VANESSA SCOTT,
TAKE MICHAEL KYLE JR.
AS YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED HUSBAND?
I DO.
THEN BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME
BY THE STATE OF CONNECTICUT,
I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU
MAN AND WIFE.
YOU MAY NOW KISS THE BRIDE.
[ APPLAUSE ]
♪ WHEN I WAS JUST
A LITTLE GIRL ♪
♪ I ASKED MY MOTHER
WHAT WOULD I BE ♪
♪ "WILL I BE PRETTY?
WILL I BE RICH?" ♪
♪ HERE'S WHAT SHE SAID
TO ME ♪
♪ QUE SERA, SERA ♪
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE ♪
♪ THE FUTURE'S NOT OURS TO SEE ♪
♪ QUE SERA, SERA ♪
DAD, I NEED TO TALK WITH YOU.
I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE, SON.
TO TALK TO YOU.
I WAS JUST GOING OVER
YOUR WEDDING VOWS.
NOW, WOULD YOU DESCRIBE
VANESSA AS A RADIANT BEAUTY
OR A CREATURE
FROM THE BLACK LAGOON?
AND THEN, FINALLY,
AS THE LAST FIREWORKS DESCEND...
PTRTRTRTR.
WHAT?
AND THEN FINALLY,
AS THE LAST FIREWORKS
FALL INTO THE LAKE,
THE F-16s FLY OVER...
VROOM! AT 300...
[ LAUGHTER ]
♪ THERE'S ONLY YOU
IN MY LIFE ♪
SING, BABY!
♪ THE ONLY THING
THAT'S RIGHT ♪
♪ MY FIRST LOVE ♪
♪ YOU'RE EVERY BREATH
THAT I TAKE ♪
♪ YOU'RE EVERY STEP
I MAKE ♪
EWW! GET A ROOM.
THIS IS LIKE A COMMERCIAL
FOR A LITTLE BLUE PILL.
WOW. DON'T HATE BECAUSE YOUR
MOTHER AND I ARE STILL IN LOVE...
THANK YOU.
...AND I CAN STILL DO MY THING.
RIGHT, BOY! DON'T START! EWW!
HA HA!
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH BEING IN LOVE.
JUST DON'T DO IT
IN FRONT OF ME.
WHY CAN'T YOU GUYS BE LIKE
REGULAR PARENTS?
AND HOW ARE NORMAL PARENTS
SUPPOSED TO ACT?
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO ARGUE
AND FIGHT
AND NOT SPEAK TO EACH OTHER
FOR WEEKS AT A TIME.
AND THEN GET DRUNK EVERY NIGHT
SO YOU CAN STAND BEING
IN EACH OTHER'S COMPANY.
WHY CAN'T YOU GUYS
JUST BE NORMAL?
MAYBE SHE'S RIGHT, BABE.
YOU THINK?
NAH.
♪ AND I ♪
TAKE IT AWAY, BABY.
♪ I WANT TO SHARE ♪
SHARE YOUR LOVE.
♪ ALL MY LOVE ♪
♪ WITH YOU ♪
OOH, I'M FEELING IT!
♪ NO ONE ELSE WILL DO ♪
NOBODY ELSE.
AND... AND... OHH.
SOMEONE ELSE WILL DO.
GOTTA GO.
I CAN'T COMPETE WITH THAT.
GIVE ME THAT BABY.
HERE YOU GO.
SAY HI TO GRANDMA.
YOU'RE GETTING BIG.
BY THE WAY, JUNIOR AND I
HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT.
YEAH, WE'VE BEEN TALKING,
AND WE'VE PICKED A DATE
FOR THE WEDDING.
LOOK AT THEM DIMPLES.
AND LOOK AT
THE LITTLE NOSE!
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
I SAID,
LOOK AT THE LITTLE NOSE!
NO, HE SAID SOMETHING.
OH.
I SAID, WE'VE PICKED
A DATE FOR THE WEDDING.
TWO WEEKS FROM TODAY!
TWO WEEKS?
WE CAN'T PLAN
NO WEDDING IN TWO WEEKS.
WE NEED AT LEAST A MONTH.
NO, THAT DAY
IS SPECIAL TO US.
IT'S ONE YEAR
FROM OUR FIRST DATE.
OH, THAT'S SWEET.
OKAY, FINE.
IF TWO WEEKS IS ALL
YOU'RE GONNA GIVE US,
THEN WE'LL WORK WITH TWO WEEKS.
WE GOTTA FIND A LOCATION,
A CATERER, A PHOTOGRAPHER,
A FLORIST... YOU DON'T MIND
IF WE HELP, DO YOU?
NO, I GUESS NOT.
GOOD, GOOD, GOOD!
WHAT KIND OF WEDDING
DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?
I-I HADN'T REALLY
THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
GOOD.
DON'T THINK ABOUT IT.
YOUR PARENTS
ARE GONNA HANDLE IT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
WE GOT IT.
NOW WE NEED A THEME.
MEDIEVAL.
OH, YOU LITTLE...
I'M BRILLIANT!
HEY, KADY,
HOW'S YOUR BALLET CLASS GOING?
IT'S GOOD,
BUT ALL THE BOYS ARE GAY.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU CAN'T BE GAY AT 8.
YEAH, YOU CAN.
IT KICKS IN AT 6.
YOU'RE CRAZY.
BESIDES, YOU CAN'T
JUST LOOK AT A PERSON
AND TELL IF THEY'RE GAY
OR NOT.
I CAN.
I HAVE GAY-DAR.
YOU DO NOT HAVE GAY-DAR.
I REALLY DO.
KNOW MR. JACOBS...
THE DRY CLEANER WITH THE BOW TIE
AND THE MONOCLE?
YEAH.
GAY.
THAT'S CRAZY.
YOU KNOW THE CHECKER
AT THE SUPERMARKET
WHO WEARS CLOGS
WITH ARGYLE SOCKS?
GAY?
SUPER GAY.
WOW.
NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG
WITH BEING GAY.
IT'S REMARKABLE.
UH-HUH.
REMIND ME TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT TONY.
TONY'S NOT GAY.
THAT'S NOT WHAT
MY GAY-DAR SAYS.
WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO!
WOO WOO WOO!
WELL, IT SURE SEEMS YOUR PARENTS
ARE EXCITED ABOUT THIS.
YEAH,
THEY'RE REALLY SUPPORTIVE.
YEAH, AND I THINK
WE SHOULD START THINKING
ABOUT THE KIND
OF CEREMONY WE WANT,
TO GIVE THEM SOME DIRECTION.
OKAY, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WELL,
I THINK SIMPLE IS GOOD.
YEAH, I MEAN, THAT'S WHY
YOU'RE MARRYING ME.
[ LAUGHS ]
WHAT? [ LAUGHS ]
OKAY, OKAY.
SO A SMALL CEREMONY
WITH A FEW ROSE PETALS
SPRINKLED ON THE GROUND,
A MODEST DRESS.
JUST THE FAMILY.
SOMETHING WARM AND INTIMATE.
YEAH.
YOU KNOW, KNOWING THEM,
THAT'S PROBABLY EXACTLY
WHAT THEY HAVE PLANNED.
JUST SMALL, INTIMATE.
SIMPLE.
LIKE ME. [ LAUGHS ]
WE HAVE MADE TREMENDOUS PROGRESS
WITH YOUR WEDDING.
OH, YES, WE HAVE.
WAIT TILL YOU HEAR
WHAT WE HAVE PLANNED.
FIRST OF ALL... LOCATION.
CLAIRE... BROCHURE.
BAM!
[ LAUGHS ]
THAT'S THE BRIARCLIFF
COUNTRY CLUB AND CASTLE,
LOCATED OFF THE BEAUTIFUL SHORES
OF LAKE CRYSTALLINE, OKAY?
IT WAS PREVIOUSLY BOOKED
BY ANOTHER WEDDING.
BUT GUESS WHAT?
THE GROOM DIED!
YEAH!
AND WE GOT IT!
YES!
HA HA!
YES! DID WE LUCK OUT, OR WHAT?
WOW, IT CERTAINLY
IS BEAUTIFUL.
HEY, ARE THERE ANY FISH
IN THE LAKE?
PBBT!
ONLY THE ONES
WE'RE BRINGING IN.
16 TRAINED DOLPHINS
STRAIGHT FROM HAWAII THAT,
THAT WHEN YOU SAY "I DO,"
THEY LEAP OUT OF THE WATER
AND FORM THE SHAPE OF A HEART
WITH AN ARROW GOING
STRAIGHT THROUGH IT.
DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S
A LITTLE OVER THE TOP?
YOU'RE RIGHT.
LOSE ONE OF THE DOLPHINS.
THE ONE WITH THE ARROW.
GONE.
OKAY, COOL.
NOW, ONTO YOUR ENTRANCE,
VANESSA.
WHILE OUR OWN
BEAUTIFUL JAYBIRD, YES,
THE SONGSTRESS SERENADES
THE CROWD
WITH HER OWN RENDITION
OF "QUE SERA, SERA."
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE,
WILL BE ♪
♪ THE FUTURE'S
NOT OURS TO SEE ♪
♪ QUE SERA, SERA ♪
♪ QUE SERA, SERA ♪
OKAY, BABY.
SAVE A LITTLE.
OH, YEAH,
I NEED TO SAVE MY VOICE.
YES, YOU DO.
OKAY, SO OKAY.
GIRLS, COME ON.
LET'S GO.
VANESSA, WHILE I AM SINGING...
AND YES, I WILL BE...
SINGING!
...YOU ARE GONNA BE WALKING
DOWN THE AISLE...
LOOK AT THIS.
...IN THIS.
LOOK HOW BEAUTIFUL.
IS THIS NOT THE BOMB?
WHAT IS IT? A PARACHUTE? A TARP?
A CIRCUS TENT?
A CAR COVER FOR A TOUR BUS?
NO, SILLIES!
THIS IS MY WEDDING DRESS.
OHH.
COME ON, GET UP.
HOLD IT UP.
COME ON,
HOLD IT UP TO YOU.
I CAN'T WEAR THIS.
NOW, I KNOW IT'S WHITE,
BUT NOBODY WILL NOTICE,
I PROMISE... SHH.
NO, MRS. KYLE,
I CAN'T FIT INTO THIS.
JUST HOLD IT UP
TO YOURSELF.
I CAN'T WEAR THIS.
[ Voice breaking ]
OH, MY GOODNESS.
YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
IT MUST BE LIKE
LOOKING IN A MIRROR, HUH?
IT IS!
OH, GOD, IT IS!
OKAY, OKAY.
LET ME GET IT TOGETHER.
LET ME GET IT TOGETHER.
NOW THAT WE HAVE
THE BRIDE SQUARED AWAY,
WE GOT TO CONCENTRATE
ON THE BRIDESMAIDS.
TONY! SWATCHES!
COME ON, HURRY UP!
OKAY, SO I'VE HIGHLIGHTED
MY FAVORITE ONES.
SO FAR, I LIKE THE MAUVE,
THE CHARTREUSE,
AND THE ENTIRE CITRUS FAMILY.
WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO!
SHUT UP!
DO WE REALLY NEED BRIDESMAIDS?
WELL, IF WE DON'T
HAVE BRIDESMAIDS,
WHO'S GONNA GALLOP IN
ON THE CLYDESDALES?
CLYDESDALES?
YEAH.
BAD NEWS
ON THE CLYDESDALES.
THEY'RE ALREADY BOOKED
FOR A BEER COMMERCIAL.
BUT FOR THE SAME PRICE,
I CAN GET 1,000 SHETLAND PONIES.
I DON'T WANT SHETLAND PONIES,
OKAY?
I WANT CLYDESDALES.
YOU'RE THE WEDDING COORDINATOR.
COORDINATE IT.
[ GROANS ]
HORSES REALLY AREN'T NECESSARY,
MR. KYLE.
I BEG TO DIFFER. OKAY?
WITHOUT THE HORSES,
HOW ARE THE BRIDESMAIDS
GONNA JUMP THE RAVINE?
THEY SWOOP YOU UP,
THEY LEAP THE RAVINE,
WE RELEASE THE HOUNDS,
THEY CHASE THE FOX,
JUNIOR RIDES IN WITH HIS SABER,
AND HE RESCUES YOU.
BUT DAD, I DON'T KNOW
HOW TO USE A SABER!
SABER LESSONS
TUESDAY AT 11:00.
WEAR TIGHTS AND A CUP.
WOW, THIS HAS REALLY
TURNED INTO QUITE A PRODUCTION.
WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WE PUT A LOT OF WORK INTO THIS.
I'M ON THE PHONE WITH THE
WEDDING FIREWORKS FAMILY.
HOLD ON.
[ SPEAKING JAPANESE ]
BOOM!
NO... KABOOM!
TELL THEM KABOOM!
KABOOM, KABOOM, KABOOM!
VERY GOOD.
OKAY, NOW, TONY, HOW ARE
THE FLOWERS COMING ALONG?
WELL, WE CAN GET THE ROSES TO
COVER THE ENTIRE ALTAR,
BUT I WAS THINKING
MORE OF LIKE CALLA LILIES.
WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO!
WHY DO YOU KEEP
DOING THAT?
CLAIRE KNOWS.
AND I SUSPECT TONY DOES, TOO.
LOOK, DOES THIS HAVE ANYTHING TO
DO WITH THE WEDDING?
NO.
OKAY, THEN CUT IT OUT.
AND YOU, WHEN I WANT YOU
TO GIVE ME YOUR OPINION,
I'LL ASK YOU FOR IT.
OKAY? COMPRENDE?
NOW GET THE ROSES.
I AM TRYING AS HARD AS I CAN.
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE
SUCH A MEANIE ALL THE TIME?
LET ME HANDLE THIS.
TONY, COME HERE.
BEND DOWN.
A LITTLE CLOSER.
BE A MAN!
AAH!
HE'LL BE FINE.
OKAY...
SO NOW WE HAVE SAVED
THE BEST FOR LAST.
THERE'S MORE?
OH, IS THERE MORE?
YOU TWO WILL HAVE
YOUR FIRST DANCE
WITH JAY AND I SERENADING YOU
WITH "ENDLESS LOVE."
♪ MY FIRST LOVE ♪
♪ YOU'RE EVERY BREATH
THAT I TAKE ♪
Both:
♪ YOU'RE EVERY STEP I MAKE ♪
♪ AND I ♪
[ VOCALIZING ]
HE'S ASLEEP.
GOOD,
'CAUSE WE NEED TO TALK.
YEAH, WE DO.
I'M REALLY WORRIED
ABOUT THIS WHOLE SABER THING.
I MEAN,
THOSE LOOK COMPLICATED.
AND WHAT IS THIS CUP FOR?
I'M WORRIED
ABOUT THE WHOLE THING.
THE DOLPHINS,
THE CLYDESDALES,
THE RAVINES,
YOUR MOTHER'S GIGANTIC DRESS.
THIS IS NOT WHAT WE WANT.
BUT IF THEY'RE WILLING TO
SPEND THE MONEY ON US,
WHO ARE WE TO SAY NO?
WE'RE THE BRIDE AND GROOM.
WE'RE THE ONES GETTING MARRIED,
THAT'S WHO WE ARE.
OKAY, BUT WHAT
CAN I DO ABOUT IT?
TALK TO YOUR DAD.
SEE IF YOU CAN GET HIM TO
SCALE IT BACK.
WHERE DO WE DRAW THE LINE?
THE DOLPHINS? THE FIREWORKS?
THE BRIDESMAIDS?
LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO
SOUND UNGRATEFUL,
BUT THIS IS A RUNAWAY TRAIN.
YOU HAVE TO TALK TO HIM.
MAN,
BUT HE'S KIND OF SCARY.
YOU THINK HE'S SCARY?
MM-HMM.
YOU BETTER STOP ALL OF THIS
BEFORE I SHOW YOU
WHAT SCARY REALLY IS.
AND THEN FINALLY,
AS THE LAST FIREWORKS
FALL INTO THE LAKE,
THE F-16s... VROOM!
FLY OVER AT 300 FEET,
SCATTERING ROSE PETALS
IN THEIR WAKE.
WHOO-HOO!
HUH?
THAT SOUNDS EXPENSIVE.
GOOD GOLLY!
WELL, YEAH!
THIS IS THE ONLY TIME
YOUR ONLY DAUGHTER
AND MY ONLY SON
ARE GONNA GET MARRIED.
I THINK WE SHOULD GO ALL-OUT.
I AGREE.
PUT US DOWN FOR $100.
$100?
WHOO!
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO WITH $100?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
NO.
I THINK $100
WOULD BE PRETTY FINE.
HERE'S YOUR FIRST
$10 PAYMENT.
I COULD BUY
A ROSE PETAL WITH THAT.
WE COULD... TIP THE
DOLPHIN. JASMINE, JASMINE.
YEAH, JASMINE, SINCE VANESSA'S
GOING TO BE WEARING MY DRESS...
WHOA, WHOA.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOUR DRESS?
YES, MY DRESS.
I WANTED VANESSA TO WEAR
MY SILVER JUMPSUIT
LIKE PATTI LaBELLE WORE.
YOU KNOW, "VOULEZ-VOUS COUCHER
AVEC MOI, CE SOIR."
THIS IS VANESSA'S WEDDING.
WHY DON'T WE LET VANESSA DECIDE?
VANESSA, HONEY, DO YOU WANT TO
WEAR MY DRESS OR HERS?
OKAY, SPACE SUIT
OR THE TARP.
UM, LET ME ASK JUNIOR
AND GET HIS DECISION.
TARP?
I'VE GOT THE CATERER
ON THE PHONE.
HOW MANY TRUFFLES?
HOW MANY PEOPLE
ON THE GUEST LIST?
INCLUDING THE F-16 PILOTS
AND THE DOLPHIN TRAINERS,
THAT'S 751 PEOPLE.
OKAY, 751 TRUFFLES.
DONE. AND HOW'S THE CAVIAR
COMING? IS IT GONNA BE FRESH?
THE STURGEON ARE SPAWNING
AS WE SPEAK.
PERFECT!
DAD, I NEED TO
TALK TO YOU.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT, SON?
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU, TOO.
BOTH OF YOU.
NOW, I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT I HAVE NEVER BEEN
MORE EXCITED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER.
I AM SO GLAD
YOU TWO ARE GETTING MARRIED.
AND PROUD.
ME, TOO.
SO WHAT DID YOU WANT TO
TALK ABOUT, SON?
UH... WELL...
OKAY, OKAY.
LOOK, WE REALLY
APPRECIATE EVERYTHING
YOU GUYS ARE DOING FOR US.
OH, WE HAVEN'T
EVEN BEGUN.
YOU HAVEN'T?
FEAST YOUR EARS ON THIS.
WHAT IS THAT?
WEDDING VOWS.
WHAT?! BUT WE HAVEN'T
WRITTEN ANYTHING YET.
HONEY, ANYTHING YOU WRITE IS NOT
GONNA COMPARE TO THESE WORDS.
NOW, IT'S A LITTLE LENGTHY,
SO I'M JUST GONNA GIVE YOU
A LITTLE TASTE.
I'M JUST GONNA WHET
YOUR WHISTLE.
ALL RIGHT.
VANESSA, THIS IS YOU TO JUNIOR.
"HOW LUCKY I AM TO MARRY A GUY
WITH SUCH FANTASTIC PARENTS.
"YOU KNOW, THEY SAY AN APPLE
DOESN'T FAR FROM THE TREE,
AND YOU'RE A HELL OF AN APPLE."
THAT'S YOU TO HIM.
"BUT LOOK AT THIS TREE."
THAT'S US, OKAY?
"IT'S NOT EVEN AN APPLE TREE.
"IT'S MORE LIKE A TOWERING
REDWOOD OR A GIANT SEQUOIA.
A MIGHTY OAK.
IT'S THE KIND OF TREE..."
I CAN'T SAY THAT.
OH, SURE YOU CAN.
YOU JUST NEED
SOME ELOCUTION LESSONS.
ELOCUTION LESSONS?
ELOCUTION LESSONS.
FRIDAY AT 1:15, AND BE PROMPT.
THAT'S PROMPT WITH A "T."
HOLD ON A SECOND.
VOWS ARE PERSONAL.
THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY
WHAT'S IN YOUR HEART.
I'M TELLING YOU
WHAT'S IN YOUR HEART.
IT'S RIGHT THERE...
THE SEQUOIA.
NO!
I WANT TO SAY,
"JUNIOR, I LOVE YOU
MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF."
[ LAUGHS ]
GET OUT OF HERE!
THAT'S BORING. WAIT A
MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU EXPECT 751 PEOPLE TO SIT
THERE AND LISTEN TO YOU SAY,
"JUNIOR, I LOVE YOU
MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF"?
LIFE ITSELF?!
IT'S JUST NOT GOOD, SWEETIE.
"JUNIOR, I LOVE YOU
MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF."
NO PIZZAZZ, BABY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER?
SHE PROBABLY
JUST HAS THE JITTERS.
I'LL GO TALK TO HER.
OKAY, YOU DO THAT.
ALL RIGHT.
LOOK, GUYS, LET'S FOCUS.
LET'S FOCUS AGAIN,
AND LET'S TALK ABOUT
THE HONEYMOON.
NOW, WHAT DO WE SEE
VANESSA WEARING?
OH, WELL,
MY SILVER JUMPSUIT.
WELL, THAT WAS
A GREAT JOB, JUNIOR.
YOU REALLY STUCK UP
FOR YOURSELF AND FOR ME.
YEAH, BUT IT'S SO HARD.
THEY SEEM SO EXCITED AND HAPPY.
WELL, I'M NOT.
I'M UPSET!
IT'S NOT SO BAD.
THE MAN IS WRITING
MY WEDDING VOWS, JUNIOR!
I MEAN, IT'S JUST ONE DAY.
IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY
OF MY LIFE, JUNIOR!
MY WEDDING DAY!
OUR WEDDING DAY!
AND IT'S BEING HIJACKED!
WELL, WHAT CAN I DO, VANESSA?
HE'S MY FATHER!
YOU KNOW WHAT, JUNIOR?
DON'T DO ANYTHING.
INCLUDING MARRYING ME.
OH, COME ON,
YOU DON'T MEAN THAT.
OKAY, SO NOW
YOU'RE TELLING ME
WHAT I MEAN
AND WHAT I DON'T MEAN?
WHY DON'T YOU CHECK WITH YOUR
FATHER AND ASK HIM WHAT I MEAN?
YOU KNOW MAYBE HE'S RIGHT.
MAYBE THE APPLE DOESN'T FALL
TOO FAR FROM THE TREE.
'CAUSE IF YOU CAN'T
STAND UP TO YOUR DAD,
YOU'RE NOT READY TO
MARRY ANYBODY.
[ DOOR SLAMS ]
DAD, I NEED TO
TALK TO YOU.
I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE,
SON.
I WAS JUST WORKING
ON YOUR VOWS TO VANESSA.
DO YOU LIKE THIS?
"I LOVE YOU
MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF."
[ LAUGHS ]
I'M KIDDING.
LOOK, NOW, WOULD YOU DESCRIBE
HER AS A RADIANT BEAUTY
OR A MAGNIFICENT CREATURE?
I WOULD DESCRIBE HER
AS A HOMICIDAL MANIAC.
VANESSA'S VERY, VERY UPSET.
WHY? SHE FEELS THIS WEDDING
HAS GOTTEN OUT OF HAND.
SHE'S A WOMAN.
WHAT DO WOMEN KNOW
ABOUT WEDDINGS, ANYWAY?
LOOK, SHE'S JUST EMOTIONAL.
LOOK, ONCE SHE SEES THOSE
16 DOLPHINS
RISE OUT OF THE WATER
AND DO THAT BACKWARD THING
THAT THEY DO LIKE THAT...
WE ACTUALLY TRAINED ONE OF
THEM TO SAY,
[ IMITATES DOLPHIN CHIRPING ]
"CONGRATULATIONS."
REALLY?
"CONGRATULATIONS"?
[ BOTH IMITATE
DOLPHIN CHIRPING ]
WOW.
I MEAN, THAT'S COOL,
BUT THAT'S NOT
THE WEDDING VANESSA WANTS.
SO WHAT?
IT'S NOT THE WEDDING
I WANT, EITHER.
WOULD YOU CARE TO
ELABORATE?
I MEAN, WHAT PART
OF THIS HERCULEAN EFFORT
THAT YOUR MOTHER AND I ARE
PUTTING FORTH DO YOU OBJECT TO?
ALL OF IT. OH,
THAT'S IT? ALL OF IT?
LOOK, YOU AND MOM
ARE TRYING TO IMPOSE
YOUR WEDDING DREAMS ON US.
AND?
AND WE WANT A SIMPLE CEREMONY
WHERE OUR LOVE
TAKES CENTER STAGE,
NOT TALKING DOLPHINS
AND FIREWORKS.
OKAY, I THINK I UNDERSTAND
WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY.
YOU WANT A SIMPLE CEREMONY
WHERE LOVE TAKES CENTER STAGE
WITH A SABER AND F-16s.
NO!
ARE YOU TELLING ME NO?
YES.
ARE YOU SAYING YES OR NO?
YES, I'M SAYING NO.
WOW.
THAT'S A WHOLE LOT OF MAN
I'M HEARING IN YOUR VOICE.
SORRY, DAD.
I'M JUST REALLY ADAMANT
ABOUT THIS.
LISTEN, JUNIOR, YOUR MOTHER
AND I ARE TRYING TO
GIVE YOU AND VANESSA
THE WEDDING WE DIDN'T HAVE.
WE HAD A SIMPLE CEREMONY
IN A RINKY-DINK CHURCH
WITH A JUSTICE OF THE PEACE.
WHAT YOU AND MOM HAVE
IS BEAUTIFUL.
AND ME AND VANESSA
WANT THE WEDDING YOU HAD
BECAUSE WE WANT
THE MARRIAGE YOU HAVE.
THINK ABOUT IT, JUNIOR.
THE CLYDESDALES.
TRUFFLES.
A SABER.
YOU ON A CLYDESDALE
WITH A FIG LEAF ON
AND A SABER IN YOUR HAND, HUH?
THAT'S SOMETHING YOU TELL
YOUR KIDS ABOUT.
NO, YOU DON'T.
OR YOUR THERAPIST.
BUT YOU TELL SOMEBODY ABOUT IT.
LOOK, IN GOOD CONSCIENCE,
I CAN'T LET YOU GET MARRIED THE
SAME WAY YOUR MOTHER AND I DID.
WELL, THAT'S WHAT
WE'RE GONNA DO.
AND I HOPE YOU'RE THERE,
BUT IF YOU'RE NOT,
WE'LL UNDERSTAND.
THANK YOU, DAD.
I HOPE TO SEE YOU
AT THE WEDDING.
IT'S BEEN 20 MINUTES, KIDS.
I CAN'T WAIT MUCH LONGER.
JUNIOR, I DON'T THINK
THEY'RE COMING.
LOOK, MAYBE THEY'RE
STUCK IN TRAFFIC.
HONEY, LET'S FACE IT.
IF OUR PARENTS WERE COMING,
THEY'D BE HERE BY NOW.
YEAH.
ALL RIGHT, WE'RE READY.
OH, GOODY.
HERE WE GO.
WAIT A MINUTE,
DON'T YOU NEED A WITNESS?
DAD, MOM!
MOM, DAD!
YOU DIDN'T THINK
WE'D MISS THIS, DID YOU?
SORRY WE'RE LATE.
CALVIN THOUGHT
HE KNEW A SHORTCUT.
WELL, IT WAS A SHORTCUT.
TO JERSEY.
YEAH, WELL,
THIS IS CONNECTICUT.
YOU TWO...
YOU LOOK VERY FAMILIAR.
WE SHOULD.
YOU MARRIED US 20 YEARS AGO.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU WERE WEARING
THAT ENORMOUS WEDDING DRESS.
AND YOU HAD
A FULL HEAD OF HAIR.
SO DID YOU.
TOUCHé.
TOUPEE.
[ LAUGHS ]
LOOK...
GUYS, I WANT TO APOLOGIZE
FOR YOUR MOTHER GETTING
CARRIED AWAY
AND REALLY TAKING
THIS THING OUT...
MICHAEL! OKAY, WE
BOTH GOT CARRIED AWAY
AND TRIED TO TAKE OVER
YOUR WEDDING, AND WE'RE SORRY.
BUT MOSTLY, WE WANTED TO SAY
THAT WE WISH YOU BOTH THE BEST,
AND HOW HAPPY WE ARE FOR YOU,
AND THAT WE LOVE YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU.
AND WE LOVE YOU, TOO.
OKAY, LET'S GET
THIS WEDDING UNDERWAY.
I HAVE A FUNERAL TO PERFORM
THIS AFTERNOON.
THE POOR GUY WAS SUPPOSED TO
BE GETTING MARRIED TODAY.
AT LAKE CRYSTALLINE?
YOU KNOW HIM?
YEAH.
R-REALLY SAD, SAD SITUATION.
MAY I ASK YOU A QUESTION?
DOES YOUR ORGAN WORK?
OH, YOU MEAN THE ORGAN.
YES, YES IT DOES.
DOES ANYONE OBJECT TO
ME PROVIDING THE MUSIC?
NO, NO.
WOULD YOU MIND SINGING,
"QUE SERA, SERA"?
I WOULD LOVE TO.
OKAY, EVERYBODY COME IN
AND HAVE A SEAT.
IT'S SHOWTIME!
JUNIOR, I'VE WATCHED
YOU GROW FROM A BOY
TO THE MAN OF MY DREAMS.
I PROMISE TO
NEVER TAKE YOU FOR GRANTED
AND TO DO EVERYTHING
I CAN TO MAKE EACH DAY WE SHARE
BETTER THAN THE LAST.
JUNIOR, I LOVE YOU
MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF.
IT'S A LITTLE BETTER
IN CONTEXT.
VANESSA, MY LIFE BEGAN
THE MOMENT YOU WALKED INTO IT.
YOUR BELIEF IN ME
GAVE ME THE COURAGE TO
BECOME THE MAN
I KNEW I COULD BECOME.
YOU'VE GIVEN ME YOUR LOVE
AND A BEAUTIFUL SON...
...AND TODAY,
I GIVE YOU MY HEART.
I LOVE YOU, VANESSA.
THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
DO YOU, MICHAEL KYLE JR...
I DO!
HANG ON.
...TAKE THIS WOMAN,
VANESSA SCOTT...
I DO! WAIT FOR IT.
I'LL LET YOU KNOW.
...AS YOUR
LAWFULLY WEDDED WIFE?
NOW.
I DO.
AND DO YOU, VANESSA SCOTT,
TAKE MICHAEL KYLE JR.
AS YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED HUSBAND?
I DO.
THEN BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME
BY THE STATE OF CONNECTICUT,
I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU
MAN AND WIFE.
YOU MAY NOW KISS THE BRIDE.
[ APPLAUSE ]
♪ WHEN I WAS JUST
A LITTLE GIRL ♪
♪ I ASKED MY MOTHER
WHAT WOULD I BE ♪
♪ "WILL I BE PRETTY?
WILL I BE RICH?" ♪
♪ HERE'S WHAT SHE SAID
TO ME ♪
♪ QUE SERA, SERA ♪
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE ♪
♪ THE FUTURE'S NOT OURS TO SEE ♪
♪ QUE SERA, SERA ♪
DAD, I NEED TO TALK WITH YOU.
I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE, SON.
TO TALK TO YOU.
I WAS JUST GOING OVER
YOUR WEDDING VOWS.
NOW, WOULD YOU DESCRIBE
VANESSA AS A RADIANT BEAUTY
OR A CREATURE
FROM THE BLACK LAGOON?
AND THEN, FINALLY,
AS THE LAST FIREWORKS DESCEND...
PTRTRTRTR.
WHAT?
AND THEN FINALLY,
AS THE LAST FIREWORKS
FALL INTO THE LAKE,
THE F-16s FLY OVER...
VROOM! AT 300...
[ LAUGHTER ]