My Wife and Kids (2001–2005): Season 2, Episode 14 - Get Out - full transcript

All right, I want everybody
dressed and in that car
at 1900 hours,

which is exactly
15 minutes from now.

If you don't know,
you better ask somebody.

Let's go. Let's get.
Let's move!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Sergeant Gomer Kyle!

What are you screaming
about down here?

Jay, I don't want to be late
to another event. Okay?

This is my cousin's wedding
and it's important that
we're being there on time.

You know the Kyle family
is notorious for being late.

So what?

"So what?"
Jay, my family already
thinks we're highfalutin.



So what?

When you're late, Jay,
it says that your time is
more valuable than theirs.

It is. So what?

You know, it is always
"so what" when
it's my family.

But when it's your family,
hey, stop the world.
You better be on time.

You know, you even
made me late for my
cousin Leonard's funeral.

But, baby, you hated
your cousin Leonard.

That's why I wanted to
be early. I wanted to get
there and just sit up front.

Will you please relax?
I'm almost ready.

Unless you are Judge Judy
or the Pope,

you got to do better
than a robe.

Baby, I'm gonna
wear a dress.

I'm just having trouble
deciding which one.

No!



Jay Kyle indecisive
about what to wear?

When has that
ever happened before?

Why did they decide to
get married at night
in the dark anyway?

Because he's an insomniac
and she's ugly.

Now, would you please
just go get dressed?

All right. All right.
Which one?
The red or the black?

The black.

Thank you very much.
I'll be wearing the red.

Why do you ask me for
my opinion if you're just
gonna pick the other thing?

Because I wanted
a carefully considered
opinion, Michael.

You just said the first thing
that popped into that little
bald head of yours!

Well, you know, that's
because every time I say,

"Wear that."
You wear this.

If I felt you actually
gave it some real thought,

then maybe I would listen
to you for once.

Fine. Next time,
I will give it
careful consideration.

But you have to wear
what I say you should wear.

Okay, fine. Deal.

Okay. Now, could you
please get dressed?
Yes.

All right. Whoa!

Give it back,
Junior.

No. Forget it.
You lost the right to it.

Oh, hey, hey,
what's going on here?

Junior took my nose
and he won't give it back!

That's right. Because
I told her if she ever
messed with my CDs again,

I was gonna take her nose
and throw it in
the garbage disposal.

MICHAEL: Look...
You better not!

Here it goes...
(MUMBLING)
Hey, hey, hey.

Junior, give her
her nose back.

We don't have
time for this.

Oh, come on, Dad,
it's funny.

She actually
thinks I got her nose.

It's not funny.
You see that face?
You see her smiling?

She's not laughing.
It's not funny.
Give her her nose back.

No can do.

Okay, fine.
I got your ears.

(JUNIOR SCOFFS)

Come on, Dad. I'm 16.
That trick doesn't work
on me anymore.

(INAUDIBLE)

All right, all right,
all right, all right,
all right!

She can have
her stupid nose back.
Just give me my ears.

Here. There's your ears.
You got them on?
Are they on tight?

Yeah? Let me see.
Can I check them out?
Let me see.

(SCREAMING) Why the hell
aren't you dressed?

Dad, I don't want to go.

I'm always uncomfortable
when all the relatives
get together.

And Aunt Evelyn's always
squeezing my cheeks.

Well, just cover up
your face.

Not those cheeks.

Look, Junior, we're going
to this wedding whether
you like it or not.

Now, go upstairs
and get in the shower

because you smell
like corn chips and ass!

I do not smell
like corn chips.

Well, don't you
look perfect?

You're gonna be the most
beautiful flower girl
at the wedding.

My butt itches.

As long as you keep
your mouth shut.

Now, you sit there
and don't get messed up.

Daddy, can I finish
my chocolate pudding?

No, you're not gonna eat
chocolate pudding in that
pretty dress.

Please, Daddy!

No. No way.

Please!
No.

I love you, Daddy.

Oh, all right.

But wait, let me put
something on you first.

Yeah.

I want to see you try
and get some pudding
through that.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello? Yeah,
this is Michael Kyle.

I'm... I'm busy. No...

Oh, you're selling something?
Could you call back at
a more convenient hour?

Like maybe when
I'm having a heart attack
and on the toilet, huh?

JUNIOR: Dad!
What?

I can't use the shower
because Claire won't
get out the bathroom.

Well, just use mine.

Hello...
I tried but Mom's in there.

All right, I'll be up
in a second. Look,
I can't talk right now.

Uh, you know what? Why don't
you talk to the decision
making lady of the house?

Okay. There's this worm
walking down the street...

CLAIRE: Go away, Junior.

It is not Junior.
It's your father.
Now, open the door,

and don't make that
mistake again.

And what do you think
you're wearing?

The invite said
sexy casual.

Yeah? Well,
that's slutty formal

and you're not
wearing it.

(SCOFFS)

Get the fur ball out
and change your dress
and come out the bathroom

'cause the boy
got to take a shower.
(SCOFFS)

You (SCOFFS) one more time
I'm gonna choke you for real.

Get in the bathroom, pigpen.
You got six minutes. Let's go.

Oh, baby,
you look great!

Thank you.
You think so?

Yes, it's like an angel fell
from heaven and transformed
itself into this

perfect human being.
Sweetie.

You ready? Let's go.

I'm almost done, Michael.

Which pocketbook
do you think
I should take?

Okay, you actually
want my opinion?

Yes. If you're actually
gonna give it some
real thought, yes.

Okay.
Come on.

All right. (MUMBLES)

Let me see. Let me
just get a... Right.

Let me see that one.
Uh-huh. Now, let me...

Gray one.

You sure?
Absolutely.

And you gave it
careful consideration?

Jay, I did The Thinker.
I did this.

The only other time
I do this is when I'm
on the toilet. Look.

Okay. Then I have to
change my dress.

No! No, I was kidding!
How would you...

How would
you think...
Nope.

...I would pick the gray one?
It don't even match your...

I hate gray!

I hate gray!

No, Michael,
you can't change your mind.
You can't do it over.

Oh, come on, Jay.
We only have
four minutes left.

All right. You know what,
just put on whatever

you want to wear,
and just hurry up.
Let's go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa! Don't ever, ever,
ever clap at me.

Don't clap?

What do I look like?
A trained poodle?

Why don't you just
set a hoop on fire?

Is that what you want for
your wife, to be jumping
through a flaming hoop?

Only if I could hold it up
to the car door.

I'm not one of
your children, Michael.

I said I was
gonna be ready,
I will be ready!

When?
When I'm ready!

I'll be
waiting downstairs.
Thank you.

Hello? Hello?

She hung up.

Nice work.

Thank you, Daddy.
I finished my pudding.

Well, good for you.

And I did
what you said.

What... What did I say?

You said, "Try getting
pudding through this."
And I did.

Ta-da!

(GASPING)

I'm pretty good, huh?

Oh! Your mother's
gonna kill me.

Come on. Come here.
Come here.

What do I do?
What can I do?

Okay. I got to think.
Think, Michael, think,
think, think.

Think. You gotta redesign
the dress. Think gay.

(LISPING) I can do this.
I'm strong. I'm strong.

I can do this.

We need some scissors...
Fingers are stuck!

(GRUNTING)

Tape. Scissors.
And a whole lot of luck.

Let's go.
Snip here...

Will you sit still?
You're squirming like
a little guppy!

Snip here. A little cut.
Little cut.

A little tape.
I'm such a mess.

Cover up the boobies.

No one wants
to see the mosquito bites!

Okay.

JLo, meet KLo.

Would you let
Claire wear this?

(STOMPING FEET)
Oh, you divas are
so hard to please.

(GRUNTS)

(KADY GRUNTING)

Okay. Here. Get down.
All right.

What do we have? Oh!

How about this
pretty, pretty dress?
No.

Okay, that sucks.
Okay, what about
this one?

No.
No? What about this?

Goes with
the skin tone.

It'll be nice,
short... No?
No.

Okay. You're starting
to sound like your mother.
What do you want to wear?

I don't know.
I just want
to look pretty.

Okay. Well, you know what?
Then, you pick something out,

put it on in one minute,
meet me back downstairs,
okay?

All right. Dressed or not,
the Kyle express is
leaving this house

in exactly 10 seconds.

Nine seconds. Eight...

All right. All right.
We're here already.
...seven, six, five...

Stop with the counting.

One, two...
Where's that other one?

Kady, come on down.
We'll dress you
in the car. Come on!

KADY: But I'm
done already.

Well, come on down.

Kady, what are you doing
in your fairy costume?

I spilled pudding
on the other one.

Well, who would be
dumb enough to give her
some chocolate pudding?

Yeah, who would?
Boy, if I find out
who did that...

Michael, she can't go
like that.

Look at the...
She's wearing wings!

It's okay.
You wear wings, too.

Let's go.
Let's just go.

All right. Out the door.
Everybody out the door.

Y'all better
put a move on it.

I'm gonna deduct money
from your allowance for
every second we're late.

You, too, Jay.
Oh, shoot.

(EXHALES)

Okay. So, we're all ready.
Everybody ready to go, right?

(ALL MUMBLING)
Yes, for heaven's sake.

Okay.
You got the directions?
Give me the directions.

Oh, I knew there was
something I forgot.

You forgot
the directions?

Yes, Michael.
I did. I forgot.

In all of your craziness,
I forgot the directions.

See, Daddy wants Mommy
to go to the electric chair

because Mommy
forgot the directions!

Is it a capital crime,
Michael?

No, it's not
a capital crime.

It's the principle.
That's what you do.
You're navigator.

I'm Captain Kirk.
You're Mr. Spock.

You're supposed to keep
the ship on course.

Actually,
that was Sulu's job.

Shut up before I beam
my foot where no foot
has been before.

All right, all right.
You two just stop it.

I'm going to get
the directions.

It'll take me two seconds.
Will you hurry, hurry?

Hey, hey, hey
with the clapping!

I was just cheering.
Yay, Jay is coming
back soon. Hurry, Jay!

Okay. I got them.
Let's go.

Finally. Okay, guys,
I want this to be
a lesson to all of you.

Being punctual is all about
planning and preparation.

Okay? You got
to anticipate
the little things.

All about the little
things, like, keys.
Them is little.

You seen my keys?

(IN SCOTTISH ACCENT) Without
the key, she's got no power,
Captain!

(GRUNTS)

(LAUGHING)

Okay. I'll be back
in one minute.

Just stay
in the car, okay?

As a matter of fact,
you're in car prison.

You're incarcerated.
Get it? Incarcerated.

(SIGHS) Keys, keys,
where are the keys?

Keys. There they go.

What're you doing
back in the house?

Kady cut the cheese.

So what?

It was Limburger.

All right, Kady,
take off your seatbelt
and come on!

No! No! We are too close
to being on time
for this to unravel.

It's a conspiracy.
Come on.

Go, go, go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go.

You're not the boss
of me, Captain Ahab!

She had to go
to the bathroom.

She sure does.

And besides, the car
has to air out now.

Well, if it's so bad
in there, why is Junior
still sitting there?

I don't know. He's your son.
Why don't you go ask him?

(CAR ALARM SOUNDING)

(GROANING) Oh!

(CAR ALARM SOUNDING)

(IMITATING CAR ENGINE)

(ALARM STOPS)

Okay, this isn't my fault.
All I did was turn on
the radio.

And touched those
two wires together.

What is the smell
in here?

Kady pooted.

It smells more like
she decomposed.

So, are the women
coming back?

I hope so.

Look, you stay here.
Roll these windows down,
let the car air out.

I'll be back in one minute.
Do not move.

And, son, this...
This smell, it don't...
It don't bother you at all?

No. It reminds me
of a simpler time.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Who was that on the phone?

Oh, it was Erica.
I've got to go change.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
We're way too late for that.
Come on, let's go.

But I just found out that
Erica's wearing the exact
same dress.

We'll look like
dorky twins!

No, no. You won't.
You're so much more
beautiful than she is.

Oh, yeah.
You're right.

Well, I'll just go put
on a sweater. It'll just
take me a second.

No, it's not gonna take
you a second. You lie.

You lie just like...

Just like who?
She lies like who?

Her brother. He a liar.

You know, Michael,
you've been stressing
me out so badly,

I almost forgot
my earrings.

Now, which earrings
should I wear?

(SIGHS)

Lord, please guide my hand
in this impossible choice.

Right there.

The studs?

Yeah. That's what
the Lord said. Studs.

You sure?
You chose wisely.

Thank you, God.

Now, all I have to do
is change my shoes
to match the studs.

Well, just hurry up.
Come on.

I killed a fly. Fly...

Boy, that must have
been some poop.
Did you blow your foot off?

No, Daddy.

Then where's your shoe?

I have no idea.

Okay. Let's retrace
your steps.

Number one,
did you go in your room?
No.

Okay. Number two.
Did you go in the bathroom?
Yes.

Okay, number three.
In the bathroom,
what did you do?

Number two.
Number two?

Number two.
Okay, so, the answer to
number three is number two.

I did number one, too.

Okay. So, the answer to
number three is number one
and number two, too.

I have no idea.

Neither do I.
Okay, you sit here.

And Daddy wants you
to show me exactly what
you did in that bathroom.

No! No, no, not...

With your feet.
What did you do
with your feet?

I was kicking
my legs like this.
Right.

And my shoe flew off.

I think I know where
that other shoe is.
Come on.

Here you go. Good as new.
Go ahead. Put that on.

I'm not gonna wear that.

Why not? It's clean.
It's got even
the blue stuff in it.

Daddy!

You know what?
Whatever your next
favorite pair of shoes are,

put them on
and let's go, please.

JAY: Michael,
we're ready.

Oh, great. Now,
your mother's rushing me.
We must really be late.

Come on, Dad.
You're holding us up.

Yeah, Michael.
We're waiting on you.
Come on, boy. Come on!

Come on!

Okay, Jay.
See, I don't mind that.

I look at it as applause
for being on time.

Which we actually are,
because I built in
a 10 minute cushion

knowing that you guys
would be late.

That is very clever.
Where is Kady?

Baby, why are you
wearing your
cowboy boots?

Daddy said I could wear my
second favorite pair of boots
and these are them.

Honey, she can't go
to the wedding like that.

Why not? She looks good.
Like K.D. Lang. It's okay.

Come on, let's go.
Everybody out the door.

No, not the kitchen.
Too many distractions.
Let's go out the front door.

Let's go.
No looking left or right.
Just forward movement.

Let's go.
Let's march, kids. March.

(MICHAEL SHOUTING
MARCHING ORDERS)

Turn around.

And fall in.

All right.
Okay.

We all ready?

Yes.
No, we're not.
Where's Junior?

(BEEPING)

And what's that?

Sounded like the microwave.

The micro...

All right. You know what?
Y'all please stay in the car
and don't move

because if you do,
I promise I will make
your life a living hell.

Hey.
Huh?

You're off to a good start.

I married a comedian.

(WHISTLING)

What're you doing in here?

I got hungry.
So, I made a tuna-melt.

Want a bite?

Yeah. I want to
bite your head off.

Now, put the sandwich down
and get back in the car,
fish-breath.

Dad.
What?

Can I talk to you?

Now?
Yeah.

Right now,
you want to have
a discussion?

You want to talk when we're
supposed to be in the car
on our way somewhere?

Now is the time
you want to talk to me?

It's important.

What is it, son?

I don't like
how you deal with me.

What do you mean
you don't like
how I deal, what?

You make fun
of me a lot.

You call me stupid,
and bighead,
and stuff like that.

And I try to shrug it off
and mostly I succeed,
but it's humiliating.

They're jokes.
They're supposed
to be humiliating.

It's just me
teasing you.

Dad, you said yourself
that it's not funny
if no one's laughing.

Well, see this face?
I'm not laughing.

That's the real reason
I don't want to go
to this wedding.

There's always some point
at these functions

where you take out the
measuring tape and compare
my head to the centerpiece.

Okay, fine.
I won't do that joke.

It's just that it's hard
enough being 16,

without your dad thinking
you're a dummy.

I don't think
you're a dummy, son.

I just think sometimes
you make some really
dumb decisions.

Well, maybe sometimes
I don't make
the best choices.

You mean, like,
coming in here
to make a tuna-melt

when we're supposed
to be somewhere?

Yeah.
Or, like last month

when you peed out the window
'cause you didn't want to go
to the bathroom?

That wasn't my fault.
I didn't know you guys
were still outside.

You know, we still can't
grow anything in that area.

Look, son.
I'm gonna make
a deal with you.

From now on, I want you to
start thinking about what
you do before you do it.

And I, in turn, will start
thinking about what I say
to you before I say it.

Deal?

Deal.

You know,
I really do love you.

I love you, too, Dad.

(PHONE RINGING)
Come on.

I'll get it.
No, no, no, no, no.
You leave that.

That's probably
some salesperson.

Come on,
we could still make
the "I dos."

No, hold on.
What?

I get hungry.
Okay.

Finally!

Hi, I'm Michael Kyle
and you've reached
the Kyle residence.

Please leave a message.

(ANSWER MACHINE BEEPING)

Michael, this your
Aunt Evelyn.
Hey, pick up.

I know
you ain't left yet.

Well, anyhoo.
The wedding's
been canceled.

Your cousin got stood up
by the ugly girl.

Jay, the notorious
family's already...

I just wanted to
entertain them.

(STAMMERING) Why do these
people have to decide

to get married at night
in the dark anyway?

You want to say that again?
Yeah!

Why do these people have to
decide to get married in the
night and in the... Yeah!