My Wife and Kids (2001–2005): Season 2, Episode 13 - Quality Time - full transcript

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Go away.

CLAIRE: You don't
even know who it is.

Okay. Who is it?

It's Claire.

Oh, it's you.

Go away, Claire.

What part of "go away"
don't you understand?

I just wanted to see
what you were up to.

I'm sketching.

Ooh. Can I see?
No.



You have no idea
what it is, do you?

Of course, I do.
It's Jupiter and Mars
colliding, right?

No. It's Jennifer Lopez
picking up a quarter.

Now get out so I can
do Pamela Anderson
eating a banana.

So can I go to the game
with you on Friday?

No, Miss Tag-along.

Why not?
Because I said no.

Come on, Junior,
why not?

We should spend
time together.

Come on, Claire,
cut the act.

You just want to go with me
so you can be around John.

So?

So I thought
you liked that guy Tony.

Can't a girl keep
her options open?



That better be the only thing
a girl keeping open.

Daddy, will you
make Junior take
me to the game?

My name is Saul,
this is up to y'all.

I'm just sitting here
playing my videogame.

(KADY SHRIEKS)
Mommy, help me!

There's a spider
in my room.

Hey, Michael, can you
come help her with
this spider, please?

Uh-huh. Junior,
go get that spider.

What do I look like,
Spider-Man?

If you are, your spider
senses will tell you
I'm about to hurt you.

Mamma, will you make
Junior take me to
the game on Friday?

My name is Bennett
and I'm not in it.

Okay, well, then
my name is Claire

and I'm leaving!

It's a good thing
she's pretty.
Uh-huh.

(SIGHS) What
you doing, baby?

Playing a videogame.

Oh. How was your day?

It was terrible.
I don't want to
talk about it.

Really? What happened?

It was terrible.
I don't want to
talk about it.

Like what?
What happened?

Okay. Four trucks
broke down.

Jimmy didn't come
to work again.

And then a pipe
burst in my office and
soaked up everything.

Our wedding picture
didn't get wet, did it?

No, nothing serious
like that.

It's just years
of financial records.
That's all.

Oh, good.

So you gonna ask me
how my day was?

No.
It was terrible.

This woman in a big SUV
tried to take my spot
at the nail salon

and then she had
the audacity to try to
give me the F-I-N-G-E-R.

That spells "finger,"
don't it?

Yeah.

Baby, "finger" is not
a dirty word.

Ew! What's that
blob thing?

It's a blob. Shh!

Don't "shh" me.

And don't turn the
volume up, Michael.

Jay, I can't concentrate
on the game.

Well, maybe then
you need to concentrate
on something else.

Isn't this a little bit
more interesting?

Yeah, that's interesting.
Could you do that over there?

What is the
big thing with boys
and their videogames?

Apparently you've
never had the thrill of
a joystick in your hand.

Yeah. I repeat,
what's the big deal?

Jay, look, I had
a hard day at work.

Baby, I'm just
trying to unwind.

Okay. Okay.
Thank you.

What?

Nothing.
I'm just waiting
for you to finish.

Might be
a couple of hours.

That's fine.

(TAPPING FLOOR)

(HUMMING)

(HUMMING LOUDLY)

All right!

What do you want?
What do I want?

Michael, I'll tell you
what I want.

I have been cooped
up here all day

taking care of your kids
in your house

and all I want is
some adult conversation
with a grownup.

Okay. Can we have this
adult conversation

after I finish
killing some zombies?

Come on, Michael!

I just want an hour
of your time.

Just take me
out to dinner
and talk to me.

Okay, look,
put the game on pause.
All right?

We will go out
to dinner.
Thank you.

Junior can babysit.

(JUNIOR SCREAMING)

Spider, spider,
it's on my head.

Oh, my God, Dad! Get it.
Get it. It's on my head.

Let me see. Turn around.
Wait, wait. I see it.

Get it!

So she winds up
sitting next to me
at the nail salon.

You should've
seen the feet
on this woman.

She looked like
she was wearing snow shoes.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

This is nice.
Yeah.

You know,
you look absolutely
beautiful tonight.

Thank you, baby.

Isn't this much
nicer than playing
with some mummies?

Zombies, Jay.

They're zombies.
It's just so simple.

Whatever. Thank you
for doing this, Michael.

I'm having
a wonderful time.
Thank you.

(CHUCKLES)

So have you
decided yet?

Oh. We don't have
any menus.

Yeah. What's good here?

Oh, I can see
you two are gonna
be a problem.

What is the matter
with him?

I think that's
some sort of
waiter technique.

What they do
is they put you
on the defensive,

so that you don't keep
calling them over.

But, see, I got a little
technique of my own
that turns them around.

What?
Shower them
with compliments.

It's called
positive reinforcement.
Watch this.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Here, let me know
when you've decided.

Thank you.
This guy is so efficient.

It's great service, huh?

(LAUGHS) Michael,
he heard you.

I know.
That's the whole point.

(CLEARS THROAT)

I thought you folks
might enjoy some
focaccia bread.

I sprinkled parmesan
on there for you.

Here's some olive paste.
You must try it.

Thank you.
Thank you.

He's much too
good-looking
to be a waiter.

He must be a model.

Or a Kennedy.

Baby! He heard... (LAUGHING)
I know.

Oh, I see,
you two are gonna
be a problem.

Did you see
what he just did
to that couple? Mean.

Now it's time to have
some fun with him.

How?
Well, what we do

is now that
we got our food

and we're not worried
about him spitting in it,

we do the same thing
except we use
negative reinforcement.

Oh.

Watch this.

How are my two
favorite customers?

Was I right about
the cherries jubilee?

Godfrey, this has
been amazing.

You've turned
a simple meal into
a dining experience.

Why, thank you,
Michael.

I have to say,
it's been a pleasure
serving you.

Thank you.

I'll get you
some more coffee.

What a jerk.

Excuse me.

Some more coffee, right?

And the cream.

The cream.

Jackass.

(JAY LAUGHING)

That guy's gonna
be up all night

trying to figure out
what went wrong.

And that six cents tip
really messed him up.

You are crazy.
I'm gonna go check
on these kids.

All right.

There you go, sweetie.

You missed daddy, huh?
Still warm. Look at you.

Waited for daddy, yeah.

What are you doing?

I'm playing my game.

Yeah. Well, don't you
want to spend some
more time together?

Jay, we just spent
a whole three hours
together.

What, is there
a time limit?

Oh, you said you wanted
to spend an hour,

I gave you
two bonus hours.
You should be happy.

Well, lucky me.

Jay, what's all
the attitude about?

I mean,
I did my time.

You did your time?
What am I, Shawshank?

I paused my game,

so I could do
what you want me to do,

and now you're
still not satisfied.

Well, satisfy my
curiosity, Michael.

What does this game have
that I don't have?

A mute button.

Fine. Fine.
You know what?

Play with your
little stupid game.

I'm gonna go upstairs
and play with my
own toys.

You're gonna pay, Michael.
Oh, you're gonna pay.

(MIMICS GUN FIRING)

I heard that.

So what's
going on, Dad?

Oh, same old, same old.
What's going on with you?

Well, I'm sitting on
the horns of a dilemma.

That sounds painful.

It is.

Claire wants to
go to this game
with me on Friday.

So what's the problem?

Dad, she's a human anchor.
She cramps my style.

You got about
as much style as
a mariachi band.

(CHUCKLES)

And here's the thing,
I would prefer

that you hung out
with her to protect her.

From what?

From other boys.
You may not
understand this,

but other boys
find your sister
very attractive.

(SCOFFING)
Oh, please. Claire?

That's funny.
I'm serious.

It's funny to you
because that's
your sister.

But other boys
don't feel that way.

They've never
seen her first thing
in the morning.

And I want to
keep it that way.

All right. Let's go
with this stupid "Claire
is attractive" premise.

Wouldn't I be a hypocrite
if I stopped guys from
doing to my sister

what I want to do
to their sisters?

Yeah.

But that's
your responsibility
as a big brother.

I mean, you have
to understand that
Claire looks up to you.

And in her eyes
you're her hero.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, Dad.

"You're her hero!"
All right, I tried. I tried.

Okay, I'm not
saying you have to,
but just, you know,

put it in
your hip pocket
and think about it.

I would, Dad.
But she's just hard
to hang out with.

She never shuts up.

Welcome to the
world of women.

They're all like that, son.
They all talk, talk, talk.

I mean, yeah, you get the
occasional Helen Keller,

but they come so few
and far in between.

The rest of them,
they jabber
like magpies.

Even mom?
Oh, my.

Your mother is
the queen of magpies.

Why do they do it?

As strange as
it sounds, Son,

women actually
communicate by talking.

Wow!
Yep.

Michael.
Mmm?

Michael,
we need to talk.

I'm out of here.

Yes, dear?

Don't "yes, dear" me.

Did you get my note?

No, dear.
What note?

The note I left in
your underwear drawer.

In my...
Is that what this is?

I thought it was
a toilet paper ball
or something.

How could you
possibly miss that?

I rarely check my ass
for messages.

"Dr. Bouche, 9:00 a.m."
For what?

For what? For starters,
we had a breakdown in
communication last night.

Oh, come on, Jay.

I'm not going
to no shrink
over a videogame.

It's not about
the videogame.

Then what is it about?

You don't love me.

Oh, God.

Someone bring a bat
down here and beat me
to death, please.

I'm serious, Michael.

Jay, how did we go
from a romantic dinner

to "I don't love you"
in less than 24 hours?

I don't know.
That's what Dr. Bouche
is going to tell us.

Baby, we've been going
to that fat quack for
over five years now,

and you're still
just as crazy as the
day we first started going.

Crazy?
I'm sorry.

Nuts. You're nutty.

And anybody
but Dr. Bouche

is gonna tell you
that I'm perfectly
right in this.

Oh, let's test your
theory, Michael.

We can find
a new psychiatrist.

I will call
Bouche's office
and get a referral.

No, no, no, no.
See, he's just gonna
give you a referral

to someone
just like him.

So what do you want to do?
You want to find somebody
in a phonebook?

I like that.
Yeah, yeah.
Uh-uh.

Michael, no.

Yeah. Let's see. Okay.

That's crazy.

Optometrist,
podiatrist...

Psychiatrist.
Right here.
Dr. Cooper Madison.

And that's who
I'll go see.

Was there a particular
incident that got you
guys to call me?

Yes, absolutely.
Yes.

Last night,
I took her out
for dinner.

And we had
a wonderful time.

I showered her with my
undivided attention.

We were here.
It was magical.

And then I came home
and she got mad at me

because I wanted
to finish the videogame
that I had put on hold

to take her out
and spend quality time.

Three whole hours.

Throw a dog a bone.
Whoop-dee-doo!

And you know,
and this morning she
makes the announcement

that it's not the videogame.
It's the past 17 years.

Apparently I don't
love her anymore.

Why are you
feeling that way?

He rejected me
last night.

I've been feeling
worthless ever since
I lost my job.

I'm vulnerable.
And he wants to play
with some damn videogame.

Which videogame?

(GROANS)
Oh, you wouldn't know.
It's called Alien Stalker.

Alien Stalker?
Mmm-hmm.

I don't only know it,
I beat it.

Get out of here!

Yeah. Five hours.

What? Five hours?
You're lying.

No, I don't.
What level are you on?

I'm still trying to
beat that blob thing.
How do you kill it?

It's so tough.
You have to jump
on its back

and wait for the
dance ball to appear,

then you hit it
with the pulse phaser
as it turns blue.

The pulse...
You know what,

I've been trying to use
the big dagger.

No, no, no.
That brings up

the zombie queen!
The zombie queen!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Excuse me. Hi.
Might I interrupt
you two?

I'm here to purchase
some therapy.

I'm sorry, Jackie,
but I just think that
you are so consumed

with your own needs
that you're failing
to recognize Michael's.

Please, call me Mike.

Call me Jay.

Is that short
for Jackie?

No, it isn't.

Dr. Madison,
the truth is,

I love Jackie.

And this whole thing
that she's going through

really hurts me deeply
because I live to make
my little Jackie happy.

Are you listening, Jackie?

All Michael really wants
is a little alone time.

Just a little.
See that much little?

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Oh, he's gonna get
plenty of that.

Boy, that Dr. Madison
was something else.

I can't wait to see her again.
When we gonna go back, huh?

When hell freezes over.

Oh, come on, Jay, admit it.
The woman was insightful.

You're only saying
that because she was
agreeing with you.

Kind of like the way
Dr. Bouche always
agrees with you?

It's not a contest,
Michael.

We have a problem
and we need help
with it.

No, you have
the problem, Jay.
I did nothing wrong.

And as a matter of fact,
to prove I did nothing wrong,

I'm willing to pay
for another shrink.

Why don't we do that?
And this time,

just to make it
interesting,
you pick it out.

You've got...
Oh, please.
This is stupid.

No, it's not stupid.

We'll get a second
unbiased opinion
as to how right I am

and how far you've
blown this whole thing
out of proportion.

Fine. Just to
prove you wrong.

Dr. Steven
Michael Thomas.

I'll call and make
the appointment.

Have you gotten to the
electric flying lizard?

Yes, I just got past
the zombie queen.

Wow! How did you kill her?

Same way
you're killing me.

Ignore it till it
withers up and dies.

Oh, I apologize, June.

The name is Jay.

Is that a diminutive
of June?

No, it's not.

Ooh. Brr. Icy.

In any event, I'm so
sorry about this little
videogame digression.

I just find them
so exciting and
stress relieving.

But this isn't about us,
is it, sweetheart?

No.
He was talking to me.

Oh.

Tell me if I'm wrong.
You're feeling alienated,

unloved and
underappreciated.
Yes.

And, Michael,
you feel you've given
Jay all the time you can

without diminishing
who you are.

Yes.
And all
you're asking for

is a little
Michael time.

You hear that, Jay?
Michael time.

That's all I want.
A little time
with Mikey.

Look, I don't mean
to be unreasonable.

And I do understand
that everybody
needs their space,

but I need to know
that you still want
to be with me.

That I could still
hold your interest.

Baby, you do.
What have I denied you?

I mean, I do
everything for you.

Every Saturday,
that's family day
'cause you want that.

You got me involved in all
these household projects,
I do that.

I even took you
to see The Lion King.

Oh! Joseph is in that.
He's the cuckoo bird.

You mean,
the cockatoo?
Oh, the cockatoo.

He's that, too.
He plays two parts.

You know him?

Oh, yeah.
He's my life partner.

This is a picture of us
at our commitment ceremony.

Hey, yeah.
That's the cockatoo.

It is!

See, this is on Maui.
Oh!

Oh, he's good looking.

Oh, thank you.
I am so blessed.

Now, listen, you two,
you got a good thing
going here,

but you're both being
a little selfish.

I need you to
climb down off
the pity pots,

take a step
towards each other,

and remember
the love that you
had in your hearts

when you were
very young and callow.

Oh, I feel like
singing a show tune.

You are
a very funny man.

So are you. (LAUGHS)

I like you.

Jay, sweetheart,
you got yourself
a pistol here.

Yeah, bang, bang.

And you, mister,
this woman is
H-O-T-T, hot.

Appreciate her.

You know,
I think you're right.

I can do more.

Aw. Look, kids...
Oh, my.

I'm good.

Look, kids,
you don't need me.
You need each other.

It's like Joseph and I
always say,

"Together we can
lick anything."

Whoa! Where you going
dressed like that?

Not with you,
so don't worry about it.

No, come on,
I'm serious.

If you must know,
I'm going bowling.

You can't go bowling
in that skirt.

Why not?

Because you
have to bend over
to pick up the ball

and everybody can look
right up your alley.

Why do you care?

I'm just going
to hang out with
my girlfriends.

Look, I know what
guys like me think

about girls
who dress like that.

And you're not going out
dressed like that.

You're not
the boss of me.

Listen, I'll make
a deal with you.

If you change your clothes,
I'll take you to
the game with me.

For real?
Yeah.

I'll even
introduce you to John.

Cool. I'll go put on
some tight jeans.

Just kidding.

Thanks, Junior.

Yeah, yeah. Hurry up.

(WHISTLES)

Daddy, I need a bowl.

No, you don't.
Watch this.

There you go.

Thank you.

Good morning,
sleepyheads.

What's the matter with you?
How was the game?

I don't want to
talk about it.

(LAUGHING)
It was funny.

John said hello to Claire,
and she tripped and fell

all the way to the
bottom of the bleachers.

Shut up!

It was hysterical.

It was so humiliating.
He must think I'm a dufus.

Actually he thinks
you're kind of cute.

Really?

Yeah. For some reason
he's attracted to klutzes.

Cool.

I don't see good things
on the horizon, Dad.

That's why you need
to stick by her.

You were right.
Guys actually think
she's cute.

It was disgusting.

Scary thing is, Son,

as she gets older,
it's only gonna
get worse.

(BOTH SIGHING)

I gotta go lay down.

Hey, baby.
Hmm?

Listen,
why don't we both do
our own thing tonight?

I got this book
I wanna read.

Okay, and you're not
gonna get mad?

No, we're both gonna do it
without resentment
and recrimination.

Okay. You mean,
we're gonna climb down
off our pity pots.

(LAUGHING)

Yes. And it
won't be that difficult.
You wanna know why?

I think it's because...

BOTH: Together we can
lick anything.