My Wife and Kids (2001–2005): Season 2, Episode 12 - Learning to Earn It - full transcript

Don't look at me
like that.

Doesn't have any
calories unless you
bake them, Michael.

I didn't say anything.

I think you look terrific.

What are these? Keebler?

Mmm. You're sweet
and you're smart.

What are you doing
home so early?

Well, it doesn't take a man
long to shoot an 84!

Baby!

You shot an 84?
That's right!

That's fabulous, right?



Baby, that's better
than fabulous.

All I need is 100
more teeth in my mouth
and I'm Tiger Woods.

Oh, I'm glad
you had such
good luck.

Yeah, well,
it had nothing to do
with luck, Jay.

It was skill.

Matched with these
brand-new Pings.

Look at this.
Watch this swing.

Huh?

(LAUGHS) You
are so pathetic.

Go ahead and laugh, Jay.
Go ahead and laugh.

Just like you laughed
when you said

I was crazy to pay
$3000 for these babies.

You told me
you paid $2000.

Hey! Where's the kids?



I'm about to take them
to the mall.

Just gave them
some money.

You gave them money?
Jay, I just gave them
their allowance yesterday.

Why'd you give
them money?

Because, Michael,
they're terrific kids
and I wanted them to shut up.

Baby, you're spoiling them.
Especially, Junior.

How are they gonna
ever learn the value
of a dollar

if you just
give them money
when they ask for it?

Hey, kids!
Come down here!

Come on, Michael.
Why you gotta make
this a federal case?

Because you're making
them weak, Jay.

They don't have
any survival skills.

They need a job.
That's what they need.

Oh, baby, a job?
The sooner they
get a job,

the sooner
they'll be independent
and leave the house.

Yes! Yes!
That's the whole
idea behind it!

No. They're still
my babies.

Hi, Daddy.
Hi, Dad.

Hi, Daddy.
Oh, don't "Hi, Daddy" me.

Why'd you go to your
mother and get money

when I just gave you
your allowance?

Because we can't get by
on what you give us.

Dad, it's expensive
to be us.

Do you know
how much it costs
to keep me in makeup?

Claire, you're 15.
God does your makeup.

Yeah.

Well, my clothes
are expensive.

What clothes?
You've got half a shirt on.

You should
have got
a discount.

Daddy, I didn't
spend my money.

Well, good for you.

I lost it.

You see, they don't even
respect the money
we give them.

Look, I don't know
if I ever told you guys
this story,

but when I was
12 years old,

my father gave me $5,
and with that $5,

I went out
and I bought myself
a used snow shovel.

And you made enough
to buy a bike.

With that bike
you started
a paper route.

Blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah.

Okay, so maybe I did
tell you the story
one or two times.

Thirty.
No, it wasn't...

Maybe 29.
One or two...
No, 30.

...or 29 times.
I don't know.
I don't know.

But it doesn't make
the story any less
inspiring, okay?

And, if I can do it,
so can you.

So this is what
we're gonna do.

I'm gonna let you
keep that money.

But you're not
spending it
at the mall.

Then what good is it?

Aha! You're going to be
creative with it.

And you're gonna use it
to earn more money.

I want you to
look at that money

as the seeds
from which you will
grow your money tree.

Like magic beans?

I was hoping
Kady would say that.

But, yes.
And this is
the best part.

At the end of the week,
whatever money you earn
from it, I will match it.

Deal?
Do we have a choice?

No.
Deal.

Shoo!

Hello. Hey, Janis,
how're you doing?

Oh, you saw Kady outside.
Yeah, she's cute, isn't she?

Her sign says what?

Lemonades,
lemonades.

Cold, refreshing
lemonades.

Come and get it.

Mommy, why won't anybody
buy my lemonade?

Uh, Kady,

I think it has
something to do with
your advertising.

First of all,
"lemonade" is
spelled wrong.

Who made the sign for you?

Junior.

Figures.

Um, Kady, I'm gonna
take this sign and make you
a new, prettier one, okay?

Okay.
All right.

Hi, girls.
BOTH: Hi.

Hi, Megan. Hi, Melissa.
Would you like some
lemonade?

Yeah, sure.
We'd love some.

Mmm.
Refreshing.

That'll be 50 cents,
please.

We don't have
any money.

I thought
it was free.

Why would you
think that?

You don't have
any sign.

Well, I need
to make
some moneys.

I know a way
you can make
lots of money.

Ever heard of
a garage sale?

Hey, what's going
on in here?

Oh, hi, Mrs. K.

Claire opened up
a beauty salon.

She did?

Yeah. Claire didn't do
your hair, did she?

No.
Oh, good.
Then, I'm still next.

Oh, you next, all right.

(MUTTERING) No heifer
gonna talk about my hair.

Claire!

You're using
all of my stuff!

Oh, I know.
These products
are great.

By the way,
you're out
of conditioner.

And I'm defrosting
a roast in that sink,
Claire.

Oh, don't worry.
It's still here.

And look at my towels.
You got my good towels.

The girl got
my good towels
on the floor.

Oh, I know.
Could you be a dear
and wash them for me?

I'm swamped,
and I may need them
for tomorrow.

Hey!
Hi, Dad!

Business is booming.

I see.
This is amazing!

Baby, look!
She started her own
beauty salon.

Isn't that great?
Yeah.

You're not the one
who has to shave
the roast.

Look, come here.
Step in my office.

(SIGHING)

Jay, we have to be
supportive of them.

I mean, we can start
by teaching them
how to have a business,

and then we can work
on the finer things
like cleanliness.

Daddy, could you
hand me the cookie jar?

Sure. I mean,
this is working, Jay.

It's working us, Michael.

They're not using
your shampoos!

That's only because
Armor All don't make
shampoo.

Are you gonna help me
wash all of these
towels and stuff?

Jay, that's not
what I do.

I'm a silent partner.
The investor.

You are in charge
of the physical
operation of this.

Keep it up,
you're gonna need
an operation, Michael.

Jay, calm down.
Look, let me make you
a pot of tea.

Come on, let's have
some tea. That Nerve Ease.

That's what you need.
Is some of that Nerve Ease.

All right, all right,
all right.

What happened
to the teapot?
I don't know, Michael.

Look in the dishwasher.

It's time and time again
I tell the kids

put the stuff back
where they found it.

MICHAEL: Where's the teapot?

JAY: I don't know
what happened to
the teapot, Michael.

(ALL CLAMORING)

(ALL EXCLAIM
IN DISAPPOINTMENT)

Pay double.
Pay double.
Pay me my money.

Hey, man, you cheating.

I ain't giving
you no money.

Them dices is loaded
and I know it.

They're your dice.

Oh, yes.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

What's going on in here?

Nothing.
Nothing.

ALL: Nothing.

And what are the dice
doing on the floor?

Nothing.
Nothing.

ALL: Nothing.

You know what,
why don't you all go do
nothing, nothing, nothing

outside my house?

All right, Dad.
Busted.

We were gambling.
But look at all this
money I won.

Junior, you were supposed
to be starting a business.

I did.
This is my business.

What, gambling?
Yeah!

You ever hear of
professional gamblers?

Dad, I'm really
good at this.

Okay. You know what,
you're missing
the whole point.

I want you to
go down to that
chicken place,

and I want you
to fill out
a job application.

What? They wear
chicken suits
down there, Dad.

I'd look ridiculous.

That's the same thing
the chicken say about you

with three hats
on your head.

Look,
all I'm saying is,

do you know how long
I'd have to work there
to make $80?

An entire week.

I made that in
20 minutes without
leaving my room.

Junior, here's what
you don't understand
about gambling.

Eventually,
you're gonna lose

because the house
always wins.

Yeah, but today...
You know what?

What don't you understand
about the end
of a conversation?

Michael, what's this
I hear about
Junior gambling?

Don't worry about it, Jay.
I got it all
under control.

I'm gonna teach him
that men gamble
and boys lose.

I think it's time
for you to admit
that you were wrong

and to pull the plug
on this whole kids-start-
their-own-business crap.

What are you
talking about?

They are learning
a great lesson here,
especially, the girls.

They're not
learning from this

because, Michael,
we are paying
for everything.

They're not making
any money.

The lemonade stand
was a bust.

Look at all these money.

(EXCLAIMING)

Look at this!
Our baby made...

20, 40, 100...

$500!

$500 selling lemonade?

No, lemonade
just gets them
in the door.

And then we hit them
with the yard sale.

You see,
that's clever.

You get them
in the door with
the lemonade,

then bam!
You hit them with
the yard sale!

What yard sale?

JUNIOR: Hey!
What happened
to my TV?

ALL: Uh-oh!

See, blackjack is different
to your little girl
dice games you play, okay?

I'm letting you
win those six hands.

I got you.

But what you need
to understand is,

eventually,
all gamblers
end up broke.

No matter
how good you are,
eventually, you lose.

Not me. I was born
to do this.
All right. Watch. Ha!

Deal.
Put the whammy on it!

(EXCLAIMS)

What you gonna do?
Look at that.

(SIGHS)
What you gonna do
now, huh?

Huh, you want a hit?

Hit me.

All right.

Hit me.

Hit me.

Hit me.

Hit me.

Hit me.

Wait. You're gonna hit
with 19 showing?

Hit me.

Twenty-one!

Hey. Did he
learn a lesson?

Oh, yeah.
Lessons were
learned, all right.

So, he's done gambling?

Yeah. With me, anyway.

What happened?

(MUMBLES) He beat me.

Huh? Huh?
What was that? What?

I said, he beat me.

He won my money
and he took my clubs.

No! Michael!
Your golf clubs?

I've never seen
a lucky streak like that
in my entire life.

It was like
playing with
Rain Man.

You know,
he's got that dumb face,
so you can't read it.

And then, the fact
that he can't add really
makes him fearless.

Let me
get this straight.

Not only did you lose
your new golf clubs,

but now Junior thinks
that this is an okay way
to make a living.

Congratulations,
Michael!

I should just nominate you
as Father of the Year
'cause this is great.

No, you should, Jay.

You know why?
You know why?

Because this is all
part of my plan.

Oh, here we go!

No, I got him
right where
I want him.

See? And I'm slowly
drawing him into
my sticky little web.

I want him
overconfident, Jay.

I want him to be
overconfident because that's
when I strike like lightning.

(EXCLAIMING)

Hey. I just came in
to collect my debt.

You know, Dad,
this putter is gonna make
a great back scratcher.

It's gonna make
a better murder weapon.

Good night.

Hey.
Hmm.

(EXCLAIMING)

Top of the morning
to you, Father.

What are you drinking?

It's a cup of tea.

Oh, I guess that's
the only tee time
you could get, huh?

Oh, you're
gonna get it.

Look, I need to
borrow your clubs.

(SIGHS) Sorry.
No can do.

All right. Then,
I'll rent them
from you.

I have a very important
game this afternoon.

Yeah, I wish I could.

How about I just
take them from you?

Fine. But you'd
have to take them
from the pawnshop.

You pawned
my golf clubs?

No, I pawned
my golf clubs.

Got 500 bucks
for them, too.

$500! Those were
$3000 clubs.

Huh. Were! Were!

What are you thinking?

I'm thinking that
you're gonna double
any money I make

at the end
of the week.

You know what?
You may not last
till the end of the week.

Oh, come on, Dad.
This was your idea.

You're not a sore loser,
are you?

(SNICKERS)

No, but you're about
to be a sore winner.

(SNICKERS)

(GRUNTING)
There you are.

Well, it's all here.

I had to get all
the loot back from
the lemonade gang.

What are you guys
doing to Junior?

He rented out
the entire spa
for the day.

Well, you're washing
those towels, young lady.

For the money
he's paying,
it's worth it.

Oh, look!

He has six toes!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

It's a bunion!
It's a bunion.

What's that, Daddy?

It's my very own
slot machine.

I don't want you
to touch it.

None of y'all.
Especially you,
Mr. Hot Hands.

Okay, Claire,

here are some old towels
you can use, and, Kady,

there's a box
in the garage,
next to Daddy's car.

You can sell anything
in that box.

The car is
not for sale.

I could have got
50 bucks for it.

What is this?

Slot machine, Jay.

Step into my office.

This should be good.

Hmm.

Explain yourself.

Okay.

You're walking
down the street, Jay.

It's a beautiful day.
The sky is blue.
Not a cloud in sight.

What's the last thing
you expect to see?

A slot machine!

Nope.

(EXCLAIMING)

Lightning, Jay.

That's my lightning,

and I'm gonna
strike him
with my lightning.

Look at that boy.

He's just gloating,
spending my money on
his crusty little feet.

You know,
he got webbed toes.

That's why
he swims so fast.

You ever
see him swim?

That's a skin flap,

and I still don't
understand your plan.

Watch, listen
and learn, baby.

JAY: Michael.
Huh?

When are you coming to bed?
I'm tired of waiting.

I'll be up in a minute.
Just a few more quarters.

(GRUNTS)

How much money
have you put into
that thing already?

I don't know.
About five, $600.

(SCOFFS)

She's ready, Jay.

She's ready
to put out.

Well, I'm not!
I'm going to bed.
Good night.

Junior,
try to get him
to stop, please.

Come on, baby.
Give it! Yeah!
Give it! Yeah!

Dad, haven't you lost
enough already?
Hmm?

A smart gambler knows
when to walk away.

You think?

Hey, that's my secret.

But, Son,
she's primed.

(SCOFFS) Go to bed, Dad.
Walk away.

Look at the knob
on that thing.

Dad.

Hey. Thanks for caring.

Oh, it's not that.
See, tomorrow's
the end of the week,

and you have
to pay me off.

I just want to
make sure you
have enough cash.

I'll have enough cash.

I'm going to get
a glass of milk.

Good night.

FEMALE VOICE:
Hey, handsome.

Who, me?

Yeah, you.

Over here.

Is that
a roll of quarters
in your pocket,

or are you just
happy to see me?

Actually, both.

Come on and play
with me, Junior.

You can do it.

I'll make you feel so good.

This must be
your first time.

Who, me? Nah, I've
done this plenty...
Yes.

Don't worry.
I'll talk you
through it.

But I'm almost
out of quarters.

Oh, I'm easy
to satisfy.

I take dollars, too.

Now, stop wasting time, cutie.

Let's dance.

Yeah.

Okay, okay, okay.

Yeah.

(EXCLAIMS)

(SIGHS IN FRUSTRATION)

(KICKING)
Come on!
Come on!

(SIGHS IN RELIEF)

Junior,
what are you doing?

She used me, Dad.

She took all my money.

Didn't I tell you
to stay away from
that machine?

Oh, I tried, but
she kept calling me.
She seduced me.

Well, what did she get?

Everything, except
for this one quarter.

This is gonna
win it back for me.

Because, see,
the problem was

I had nobody
watching me

'cause I'm a performer
and I get off,

I come alive by the edge
that the crowd gives me.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Plus, she's due.
She's primed.

I know she's
gonna hit 'em.

All right. Then, I'll be
your crowd. You bring it
on home, Junior.

Loser!

I can't believe it, Dad.

Everything's gone.

Junior, let me show
you the only key to
beating this machine.

I want to see this.
Here it is.

That's a key.
Yes, it is.

And watch this.

Cha-ching!

Winner, winner, winner!

Look at all
these moneys!

See, Son, this is what
I was trying to teach you
about gambling.

The house always wins.

Well, it's officially
the end of the week.

How much you
got left, Son?

Zero.

Well, me being
the man of my word,

I'm gonna double that.

Oh, yeah, Junior...

(EXCLAIMING)

There you go!
Yes, Daddy missed you.

Did you miss Daddy, baby?
You missed Daddy.

Yes, you did.

I wish you showed me
that much affection.

Come on, Jay.
You know you're
my hole in one.

Yeah, good.

So, congratulations.

Once again you have
coerced your children
into learning.

I prefer to use the term
"tortured."

Yeah. It was torturous
for me, too.

I had to buy those
children off just so
I could get some peace.

You know what our greatest
accomplishment is? Junior.

Hey, Junior!
Come on down here.

You're gonna be
late for work.

There he is. Is that not
the hardest working chicken
in all of Connecticut?

Come here,
you little cluck.

Ha! Ha! Ha!
Very funny.

I'm ready for work.

Hey, while you're
at the job, don't
talk to no chicks.

(SNICKERING)

Chicks!

Leave him alone,
Michael.

Thank you, Mom.

Hey, fix your feathers.
I see your gizzards.

All right.
Can you please
drive me?

Oh, only if
you do one thing
for me.

What's that?

Lay me some eggs
for breakfast tomorrow.

(LAUGHING)

That's poultry in motion.

Hey, Junior,
you want to bet
on the game?

No. No way.

What's the matter?
You chicken?

You chicken!
Chicken!