My Wife and Kids (2001–2005): Season 2, Episode 17 - Table for Too Many: Part 2 - full transcript
The entire dinner is doomed from the beginning.
LAST TIME
ON "MY WIFE AND KIDS"...
HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE YOU
TO GAS UP YOUR TANK?
DURING PEAK PERIODS, I AVERAGE
BETWEEN 12 AND 14 MINUTES.
JUST GET IN THE CAR OR I'M GONNA
STUFF YOU IN THE TRUNK.
ALL RIGHT, JUNIOR,
LET'S RUMBLE.
YOU'RE GOING TO TOKAHANA,
SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET READY.
OH, GOD, NOT TOKAHANA.
YOU'LL BE SITTING
WITH THE TYLER FAMILY.
HEY!
HEY!
OF ALL THE IDIOTS IN THE WORLD,
THEY SIT ME NEXT TO THIS ONE.
I WISH I COULD CHANGE
MY SEAT.
WHATEVER HAPPENED AT THE
GAS STATION
HAPPENED AT THE GAS STATION.
WILL YOU PLEASE LET IT GO?
DON'T LET IT SPOIL DINNER.
GIVE ME A KISS.
PLEASE? THANK YOU.
OKAY, OKAY.
HEY!
WILL YOU STOP IT!
I'M SORRY.
YOU KNOW HOW KIDS ARE.
YES, I KNOW HOW SOME
KIDS ARE.
OH, THANK YOU.
OOH!
WHERE'S MY DRINK?
I ONLY HAVE TWO HANDS.
YOU SEE THAT?
NOW SHE'S MESSING WITH ME,
JAY.
WILL YOU JUST CUT IT OUT.
DEEP BREATHS.
[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]
THANK YOU.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
YOUR CHILDREN
SMELL LIKE FISH.
YEAH, WELL, YOUR CHILDREN LOOK
LIKE SQUIRRELS.
IS THAT RIGHT?
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
WELL, AT LEAST MY CHILDREN ARE
WELL-BEHAVED.
WELL, YOU GOTTA BE WELL-BEHAVED
WHEN YOU LOOK LIKE SQUIRRELS.
THAT'S HOW YOU GET A CHANCE TO
BEG FOR NUTS!
IS THAT RIGHT?!
MM-HMM.
STEWART, PLEASE.
YOU DON'T WANT YOUR
YOU-KNOW-WHAT TO FLARE UP.
YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT.
GOD, THESE CHAIRS ARE HARD.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SITTING HERE
EATING DINNER
WITH SOMEONE WHO ANNOYS THE HELL
OUT OF ME.
NEITHER CAN I.
SO, JASON, HOW WAS SCHOOL
TODAY?
IT WAS GREAT, FATHER.
I WON THE ROLE OF JESUS IN
"GODSPELL."
OHH!
BIG DEAL.
WHO CARES ABOUT GOD?
AND HOW WAS YOUR DAY,
LISA?
OH, TERRIFIC, FATHER.
I WAS NOMINATED FOR STUDENT
COUNCIL.
AGAIN! THAT IS WONDERFUL!
WE ARE SO PROUD OF YOU.
SO, MICHAEL RICHARD KYLE
JUNIOR,
HOW WAS YOUR DAY AT SCHOOL
TODAY?
WELL, ALTHOUGH I GOT MY PENIS
CAUGHT IN MY ZIPPER TWICE...
I ALMOST GOT AN "A" ON
MY TEST.
YOU WHAT?!
YOU HEAR THAT, EVERYBODY?
MY SON ALMOST GOT AN "A" ON
HIS TEST.
WHAT'D YOU GET?
A "D."
JUST THREE LETTERS AWAY FROM
AN "A."
WHOA.
TALK ABOUT CLOSE.
SHE JUST SIPPED MY DRINK.
WHO?
THE HOSTESS.
YOU ARE LOSING YOUR MIND.
I SAW WHAT I SAW,
AND I KNOW WHAT I SEEN.
THERE YOU GO.
HOLD ON, ONE SECOND.
THIS SEEMS TO BE A SIP SHORT OF
A FULL DRINK.
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.
YOU SIPPED MY DRINK.
YOU SIPPED IT.
ZIP IT?
NO, NOT ZIPPER.
YOU SIP MY DRINK.
OH.
I THIRSTY.
THANK YOU.
NO-NO, NO-NO.
SHE DID IT AGAIN.
TAKE IT BACK AND GET ME ANOTHER
ONE AND DON'T CHARGE ME FOR IT.
YES, CHARGE YOU.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
DON'T CHARGE ME.
YES, EVERYTHING CHARGED AT
THE TOKAHANA.
NO. NO. NO. NO CHARGE
CHARGE.
NO. CHARGE -- NO.
CHARGE.
NO, THAT'S YOUR DRINK.
YES.
I HOPE LIGHTNING HITS ME
AND I DIE.
CHARGE.
NO CHARGING.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO CHARGE ME --
DOES THERE SEEM TO BE
A PROBLEM, SIR?
YES. APPARENTLY YOUR HOSTESS
HERE HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM.
SHE SIPPED MY DRINK TWICE.
WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT,
ELAINE?
[ Normal voice ]
I HAVE NO IDEA, LARRY.
[ Japanese accent ]
I MEAN, MR. MIYAGI.
IF YOU HAVE NO IDEA, THEN WHY IS
YOUR LIPSTICK ON MY GLASS?
YOU GIVE ME SIP, REMEMBER?
DIDN'T HE GIVE ME SIP?
HE CLEARLY GAVE HER A SIP,
YES.
I'M VERY SORRY ABOUT THIS WHOLE
MISUNDERSTANDING.
I'LL HAVE ANOTHER BEVERAGE
SENT RIGHT OVER.
THANK YOU, AND PLEASE DON'T LET
CROUCHING TIGER, SIPPING DRAGON
BRING IT, OKAY?
IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE I CAN
HELP YOU WITH?
YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT.
THEY CHARGED US $60 FOR A
SWEAT SHIRT.
I KNOW THAT'S GOT TO BE
A MISTAKE.
YES, THANK YOU FOR BRINGING THIS
TO MY ATTENTION.
THESE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE $72.
I'LL HAVE IT REFLECTED ON
YOUR BILL.
WELL, YOU HANDLED THAT WELL,
DIDN'T YOU?
ARE YOU SATISFIED NOW?
CAN WE STOP ARGUING WITH PEOPLE?
CAN WE HAVE A CIVILIZED MEAL,
PLEASE?
JAY, I'M SORRY.
BABY, I'M SORRY.
CAN I HAVE A KISS?
YEAH, YEAH.
OKAY, WELL, HOPEFULLY THE FOOD
WILL BE GOOD.
I'M GONNA REALLY TRY...HARD
TO ENJOY.
THAT'S REPULSIVE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M SEDUCING THAT GIRL WITH MY
MATING CALL BY LICKING MY LIPS.
GIRLS LOVE IT.
THEY ONLY LOVE IT IF YOU CAN
LICK YOUR EYEBROWS.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA DO THAT
TAMBOURINE AND WHISTLE THING.
NO, I'M NOT.
GOOD.
[ WHISTLE BLOWS,
TAMBOURINE RATTLES ]
[ JAY LAUGHS ]
EXCUSE ME, SIR,
COULD I HAVE A WORD, PLEASE?
[ WHISPERING ]
BUT THERE AREN'T ANY OTHER
TABLES AVAILABLE.
HE ASKED TO MOVE HIS SEAT.
THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED.
I WANTED TO BE THE ONE
TO ASK.
THAT'S MAKING ME LOOK LIKE
THE BAD GUY.
I NEED TO GO FIX THIS.
OH, NO, NO, NO.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA MAKE THIS THING
ANY BIGGER OR SILLIER.
I WISH YOU WOULD JUST GO
APOLOGIZE TO THAT MAN
SO WE CAN ALL EAT IN PEACE.
HE WAS IN THE WRONG --
CLEARLY IN THE WRONG.
IT'S CALLED BEING
THE BIGGER MAN, MICHAEL.
I LIKE THAT, JAY.
I COULD LIVE WITH THAT.
"BE THE BIGGER MAN."
I LIKE THE WAY THAT SOUNDS.
ON MY RéSUMé -- "MICHAEL KYLE,
THE BIGGER MAN."
EXCUSE ME, MR. TYLER.
I'D LIKE TO OFFER AN APOLOGY.
I WAS WAY OUT OF LINE AT THE
GAS STATION,
AND I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE.
TRUCE?
SURE.
I'LL BE THE BIGGER MAN.
NO! NO! NO-NO!
I WAS THE BIGGER MAN.
I OFFERED THE APOLOGY.
EXCUSE ME, IT TAKES A BIGGER MAN
TO ACCEPT AND FORGIVE.
THEREFORE, I AM THE BIGGER MAN.
YOU ARE THE SUPPLICANT.
OH, NO, I'M NOT.
SEE, BECAUSE, TECHNICALLY,
YOU ACCEPTED MY APOLOGY,
WHICH MAKES YOU
THE SUCCULENT ONE.
ALL RIGHT, THEN, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT -- I RESCIND MY ACCEPTANCE.
TOO LATE! TOO LATE!
IT IS NEVER TOO LATE --
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!
HE DOES HEAR THIS!
[ CHATTERING ]
[ Bad Japanese accent ]
HEY, EVERYBODY! HEY!
WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE WE ARE
HAVING A GOOD TIME OVER HERE.
SO, IS EVERYONE READY TO EAT?
I AM!
I AM!
I AM!
ALL RIGHT, GOOD. GOOD.
I AM YOUR CHEF.
MY NAME IS NABU HUNKATORA.
WHOA-WHOA-WHOA-WHOA.
YOU'RE NOT JAPANESE.
YES. YES, I AM.
YOU ARE BEING SO RUDE.
HE'S NOT JAPANESE.
WE'RE IN A JAPANESE RESTAURANT.
I WANT A JAPANESE CHEF.
IT DOESN'T MATTER!
IT DOES MATTER.
EVERYBODY ELSE HAS
JAPANESE CHEFS.
LOOK, RIGHT THERE,
HE'S JAPANESE.
I'LL BET THAT HOSTESS HAS
SOMETHING TO DO WITH THIS.
I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR A
JAPANESE CHEF?
I AM JAPANESE.
WHAT PART OF JAPAN
ARE YOU FROM?
UHH...DOWNTOWN.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, DO SOMETHING
FANCY WITH THE KNIVES.
[ CLANGING RHYTHMICALLY ]
Stewart:
OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
OF COURSE HE'S GOOD
WITH KNIVES.
HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S GOOD WITH A
SPOON AND A FORK, TOO.
SO, IS EVERYONE READY
TO ORDER?
I WANT SHRIMP, MISTER.
PLEASE, CALL ME NABU-SAN.
I WANT SHRIMP, TOO,
NABU-SAN.
I WANT CHICKEN COOKED IN
CANOLA OIL,
NOT THAT FATTY STUFF,
NABU-SAN.
AND WHAT CAN I GET FOR YOU,
SIR?
YOU CAN GET ME A JAPANESE CHEF,
NABU-SAN JUAN.
UM, MAYBE YOU CAN RECOMMEND
SOMETHING, NABU-SAN.
I CERTAINLY CAN.
I RECOMMEND THE IMPERIAL DINNER.
IT COMES WITH YOUR CHOICE
OF CHICKEN, SHRIMP, STEAK,
OR LOBSTER.
YOU HEAR THAT?
[ Imitating ] "LOSTER."
HE SOUNDS LIKE
RICARDO MONTALBAN.
IF HE WAS JAPANESE, IT WOULD BE
"ROBSTA, ROBSTA."
I'LL HAVE THE IMPERIAL
WITH ROBSTA.
AND WE'LL HAVE THE IMPERIAL
DINNER, TOO, PLEASE,
BUT WE'LL HAVE IT WITH
"SLEAK."
STEAK -- MEAT.
[ SIZZLING ]
[ COUGHING ]
[ WHEEZING ]
THAT WAS FANTASTIC, NABU.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
WOULD YOU PLEASE HOLD OUT THAT
EMPTY GLASS FOR ME?
NO, NO, NO, THANK YOU.
I DON'T WANT TO BE IN
THE SHOW.
COME ON, BABY!
DADDY! DADDY! DADDY!
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
I'M HOLDING UP THE GLASS.
GO AHEAD.
DO YOUR LITTLE TRICK.
OKAY, HERE YOU GO.
AHH! WHOO!
YOU BURNED ME, YOU IDIOT!
[ LAUGHING ]
THAT'S WHY
I LOVE THIS PLACE.
NOT ONLY IS THE FOOD GREAT,
BUT THERE'S ALWAYS A SHOW.
HERE'S YOUR CHANCE TO BE IN
THE SHOW.
ARE YOU INSANE?!
IT'S INSANE WHEN I DO IT,
BUT WHEN HE DOES IT,
IT'S ENTERTAINMENT!
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT,
YOU DOLT!
HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!
COME ON!
WAIT!
A NICE, CIVILIZED DINNER,
REMEMBER, MICHAEL?
YOUR KIDS!
STEWART MARION TYLER, I WANT YOU
TO GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF.
I AM NOT GETTING UP AT 4:00 A.M.
TO APPLY THAT OINTMENT.
HOW I HATE YOU.
[ GASPS ]
COME ON.
COME ON!
CAN WE JUST PLEASE
SIT DOWN?
LET'S SIT DOWN...MARION.
JOHN WAYNE'S NAME
WAS MARION.
YEAH, BUT HE DIDN'T HAVE
HEMORRHOIDS.
WOULD YOU SEND A COCA-COLA TO
THAT YOUNG LADY
WITH MY COMPLIMENTS?
AREN'T YOU WORRIED I'M GOING TO
DRINK SOME OF IT?
THAT WOULD ONLY ENHANCE
THE FANTASY.
YOU ARE A CREEPY CHILD.
OKAY, WE'LL START OFF WITH
SOME CHICKEN
AND SOME STIR-FRY VEGETABLES.
WHAT ARE YOU
FROWNING ABOUT?
HE'S GOT MORE CHICKEN
THAN I DO.
NO, HE DOESN'T.
MINE IS MOSTLY SPROUTS.
ANYBODY WANT TO SHARE
THIS CHICKEN?
IT'S MORE THAN I CAN EAT.
THAT'S IT.
I'M GONNA TAKE A WALK.
SO, HOW IS EVERYONE'S FOOD?
[ Muffled ] DELICIOUS.
BABY, YOU KNOW BETTER THAN TO
TALK WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL.
SORRY, MOMMY.
DELICIOUS!
I'LL BE BACK IN A MOMENT,
DEAR.
MOM, TELL JUNIOR TO STOP
SHOOTING SPITBALLS AT ME!
JUNIOR, STOP SHOOTING SPITBALLS
AT YOUR SISTER.
I DIDN'T DO IT.
CHIP 'N' DALE OVER THERE DID IT.
JUNIOR, STOP IT RIGHT NOW.
[ Muffled ]
TELL THEM TO STOP.
JASON, YOU PUT THAT STRAW DOWN
THIS INSTANT!
THAT'S ENOUGH!
THEY SHOT ONE AT ME!
STOP IT! I SAID STOP IT!
YOU TWO STOP IT!
THAT IS NOT LADYLIKE.
THEY GOT ME.
HEY!
[ SIGHS ]
[ BALLGAME PLAYING ON RADIO ]
COULD YOU TURN THAT RADIO OFF?
I'LL GIVE YOU 10 BUCKS.
I'LL GIVE YOU 20 BUCKS.
YOU GOT IT.
THANK YOU.
COME ON, COME ON.
HEY, COULD YOU TURN THE WATER ON
FOR ME, PLEASE?
NOT SO HARD.
YEAH, RIGHT -- RIGHT THERE.
LISTEN, I WANT TO APOLOGIZE FOR
MY ACTIONS EARLIER TODAY
AT THE GAS STATION.
I WAS WRONG IN MONOPOLIZING THE
SPACE AND KEEPING YOU WAITING.
I APPRECIATE YOU SAYING THAT.
I REALLY DO.
WHAT DO YOU SAY
WE START FRESH?
OKAY.
HEY, THAT WATER IS COLD,
ISN'T IT?
HA HA HA HA HA HA.
IT'S DEEP, TOO.
[ TOILET FLUSHES ]
HEY, I'M REALLY SORRY
ABOUT WHAT I SAID
ABOUT YOUR KIDS BEING SQUIRRELS
AND STUFF LIKE THAT.
I MEAN, THAT WASN'T NICE.
THE KIDS SHOULDN'T BE INVOLVED.
CAN I GET ONE?
KIDS SHOULDN'T BE IN--
THAT WAS DISGUSTING.
HE WALKED OUT OF HERE
WITHOUT WASHING HIS HANDS?
[ MUMBLES ]
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
YO, SAYONARA, BROTHER.
YOU JAPANESE, TOO?
TILL MIDNIGHT.
Jay: HEY, BABY.
COME HERE.
I HEAR YOU MADE AMENDS
IN THE BATHROOM.
HE MADE AMENDS, ALL RIGHT.
HE MADE A MEN'S ROOM VERY
UNCOMFORTABLE.
WHAT?
THE GUY TOTALLY VIOLATED
GOOD URINAL ETIQUETTE.
WHAT IS
"GOOD URINAL ETIQUETTE"?
LOOK, IT'S AN UNWRITTEN
MALE LAW --
THAT IF I'M USING A URINAL,
THE NEXT GUY HAS TO USE THE
URINAL FURTHEST AWAY FROM ME.
THERE'S SUPPOSED TO BE A MINIMUM
OF ONE EMPTY URINAL
ON BOTH FLANKS.
IT'S THE COMFORT ZONE,
OR THE SPLASH ZONE, IF YOU WANT.
AND ON TOP OF THAT,
THIS PIG DOESN'T EVEN WASH
HIS NASTY HANDS.
I'M TELLING YOU, HONEY,
THEY CHANGED THE SAUCE.
IT'S TANGIER.
OKAY, IT'S TIME NOW
FOR THE MAIN COURSE.
CAN'T WAIT TO GET AHOLD
OF THAT LOBSTER.
IT'S GONNA MAKE
EVERYTHING BETTER.
WE GOT LOBSTER RIGHT HERE.
AND WE GOT STEAK RIGHT HERE.
[ Imitating Nabu ] NO, NO, NO,
LOBSTER GOES OVER HERE,
AND THE STEAK
GOES OVER THERE.
NO PROBLEMA, PAL.
HERE YOU GO, BUDDY BOY.
[ LAUGHING ] WATCH OUT.
WHOO.
HA HA HA HA HA.
THERE WE ARE.
THERE YOU GO.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?
IS SOMETHING WRONG
WITH YOUR LOBSTER?
"IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH
MY LOBSTER?" HE ASKS.
MICHAEL, DON'T.
IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG
WITH YOUR LOBSTER?
YEAH, CONSIDERING THAT YOU
DIDN'T WASH YOUR NASTY HANDS,
AND YOU PUT THEM
ON MY LOBSTER,
THERE'S SOMETHING VERY WRONG
WITH MY LOBSTER.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I ALWAYS WASH MY HANDS!
DIDN'T WASH THEM THIS TIME.
YOU DIDN'T WASH YOUR HANDS?
DADDY, THAT'S DISGUSTING!
STAY OUT OF IT!
STEW, NOT AGAIN!
[ SIGHS ]
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I HAD ENOUGH OF YOU, TOO,
SALTY FINGERS.
I HAD ENOUGH
OF BOTH OF YOU.
AND SO HAVE I!
SIT DOWN, MICHAEL!
STEWART, SIT DOWN!
HE PUT PEE-PEE FINGERS
ON MY LOBSTER.
THAT'S WHAT IT WAS.
NABU WILL MAKE YOU ANOTHER
LOBSTER, WON'T YOU, NABU?
NO PROBLEM.
THANK YOU! NOW, I WANT ALL OF
YOU TO SIT DOWN,
SHUT YOUR MOUTHS,
AND I WANT YOU TO ENJOY EACH
OTHER'S COMPANY
BEFORE I STRANGLE
EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!
YOU STILL HAVE MY STEAK.
ALLOW ME.
AH-CHOO!
THERE YOU GO.
ENJOY.
MAN, I CANNOT EAT
ANOTHER BITE.
ME TOO. NABU-SAN,
EVERYTHING WAS DELICIOUS.
AY! MUCHAS GRACIAS.
I MEAN, UH, DOUMOARIGATOU.
THANK YOU, EVERYBODY.
BYE-BYE.
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR -- ♪
STOP IT! HOLD IT!
STOP THE SINGING!
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
HE'S NOT SINGING.
THAT'S RIGHT.
WHY WON'T YOU SING
TO MY WIFE?
BECAUSE I DON'T WANNA SING
TO YOUR WIFE.
WHY NOT?
I DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO YOU.
THIS IS AMERICA.
I HAVE MY RIGHTS TO NOT SING
IF I DON'T WANNA SING.
WHAT'S SO HARD ABOUT SINGING?
IS HIS VOICE THAT BAD?
NO, I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL VOICE.
IT'S ACTUALLY FALSETTO.
I CHOOSE NOT TO SING
TO YOUR WIFE.
YOU WILL.
I WILL NOT.
[ Singing in high pitch ]
I WI-I-I-I-I-LL NO-O-O-O-T...
NOW, HEAR THIS.
[ Still singing ]
EVE-E-E-E-R.
I'M NOT ASKING YOU
TO BAKE THE CAKE.
BUT I'M ASKING YOU
TO SING TO MY WIFE.
IT'S UN-AMERICAN NOT TO SING
TO MY WIFE.
IT IS! IT'S UN-AMERICAN!
AND IT'S COMMON COURTESY!
WELL, IT'S COMMON COURTESY
TO PULL YOUR CAR UP
AT THE GAS STATION SO OTHER
PEOPLE CAN USE THE PUMP.
THERE WE GO WITH THE GAS STATION
AGAIN, HUH?!
AND WHY DID YOU STAND
NEXT TO ME AT THE URINAL
AND VIOLATE THE SPLASH ZONE?
OH, MY GOD!
WHY DID YOU TOUCH MY CRUSTACEAN
WITH YOUR PEE-PEE FINGERS?
AND WHY AM I SPENDING SO MUCH
MONEY TO EAT DINNER
WITH PEOPLE WHO I DON'T LIKE?
HUH? HUH, WHY?
UH, I'VE HAD ABOUT ENOUGH OF
THIS. KIDS, LET'S GO.
I'M VERY SORRY.
PLEASE DON'T LEAVE.
LET THEM GO, PLEASE.
I BLAME YOU FOR NOT MOVING
US WHEN I ASKED TO.
THERE WAS NOTHING THAT --
EXCUSE ME!
AND I ASSURE THAT NEITHER I
NOR ANYONE ELSE IN
THE PROCTOLOGICAL COMMUNITY --
AND THERE ARE MANY OF US.
WE'RE A TIGHT LITTLE GROUP.
YOU HEAR THAT, JAY?
HE'S A PROFESSIONAL PAIN
IN THE ASS.
NONE OF US
IS COMING BACK AGAIN!
PLEASE, LET ME PAY
FOR YOUR DINNER.
IT'S THE LEAST I CAN DO.
WHAT ABOUT MY CHECK?
HERE YOU GO.
[ SCREAMS ]
DID YOU SEE HOW DAD THREW THAT
GUY IN THE KOI POND?
YEAH, DAD,
THAT WAS FUNNY.
THAT'S WHAT HE DID TO ME.
LOOK, I DON'T WANT ANY OF YOU
ADMIRING THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR.
MICHAEL, I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU DID THAT!
WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?
THE GUY CHARGED ME FOR A LOBSTER
THAT I DIDN'T EAT,
A DRINK
THAT THE HOSTESS DRANK.
HE CHARGED ME FOR A BIRTHDAY
CAKE, THAT SWEATSUIT,
AND -- AND A BUNCH OF SODAS
THAT I DIDN'T EVEN BUY.
I CAN CLEAR UP THAT MYSTERY.
JUNIOR KEPT SENDING DRINKS
TO SOME GIRL.
NOT SOME GIRL -- CATHY.
AND IT WORKED, TOO.
I GAVE HER MY NUMBER,
SHE GAVE ME ONE BACK.
NO, IDIOT, SHE GAVE YOU
YOURS BACK.
BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE
ANY SENSE.
WHY WAS SHE ALL FLIRTING WITH ME
AND TAKING MY FREE SODAS
IF SHE WASN'T INTERESTED?
BECAUSE SHE WAS PRACTICING
THE ART OF BEING A WOMAN.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
THEY GET REALLY GOOD AT IT?
THEY CAN MAKE YOU TAKE THE WHOLE
FAMILY TO TOKAHANA'S.
HA HA HA. VERY FUNNY.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
YEAH, COME ON, I WANNA WATCH THE
GAME THAT I TAPED.
UGH.
OH, WHERE'S THE VALET?
WHAT IS THE LIGHT
STILL DOING ON IN THE CAR?
HE'S IN MY -- HE'S SMOKING
A CIGAR IN MY CAR?
HEY!
WOW, WHAT A GAME!
JORDAN SCORED 100 POINTS IN
TRIPLE OVERTIME AND WON!
AAAHHH!
UH! OH!
[ GRUNTS ]
CHARGED ME FOR A BIRTHDAY CAKE,
THAT SWEAT SHIRT,
AND ABOUT 8 COKES THAT I DIDN'T
EVEN BUY.
OH.
[ LAUGHS ]
I FORGOT.
I GAVE HER MY NUMBER,
SHE GAVE ME HERS BACK.
NO, SHE -- YOU --
NO, SHE GAVE YOU --
NO...
[ LAUGHTER ]
ON "MY WIFE AND KIDS"...
HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE YOU
TO GAS UP YOUR TANK?
DURING PEAK PERIODS, I AVERAGE
BETWEEN 12 AND 14 MINUTES.
JUST GET IN THE CAR OR I'M GONNA
STUFF YOU IN THE TRUNK.
ALL RIGHT, JUNIOR,
LET'S RUMBLE.
YOU'RE GOING TO TOKAHANA,
SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET READY.
OH, GOD, NOT TOKAHANA.
YOU'LL BE SITTING
WITH THE TYLER FAMILY.
HEY!
HEY!
OF ALL THE IDIOTS IN THE WORLD,
THEY SIT ME NEXT TO THIS ONE.
I WISH I COULD CHANGE
MY SEAT.
WHATEVER HAPPENED AT THE
GAS STATION
HAPPENED AT THE GAS STATION.
WILL YOU PLEASE LET IT GO?
DON'T LET IT SPOIL DINNER.
GIVE ME A KISS.
PLEASE? THANK YOU.
OKAY, OKAY.
HEY!
WILL YOU STOP IT!
I'M SORRY.
YOU KNOW HOW KIDS ARE.
YES, I KNOW HOW SOME
KIDS ARE.
OH, THANK YOU.
OOH!
WHERE'S MY DRINK?
I ONLY HAVE TWO HANDS.
YOU SEE THAT?
NOW SHE'S MESSING WITH ME,
JAY.
WILL YOU JUST CUT IT OUT.
DEEP BREATHS.
[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]
THANK YOU.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
YOUR CHILDREN
SMELL LIKE FISH.
YEAH, WELL, YOUR CHILDREN LOOK
LIKE SQUIRRELS.
IS THAT RIGHT?
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
WELL, AT LEAST MY CHILDREN ARE
WELL-BEHAVED.
WELL, YOU GOTTA BE WELL-BEHAVED
WHEN YOU LOOK LIKE SQUIRRELS.
THAT'S HOW YOU GET A CHANCE TO
BEG FOR NUTS!
IS THAT RIGHT?!
MM-HMM.
STEWART, PLEASE.
YOU DON'T WANT YOUR
YOU-KNOW-WHAT TO FLARE UP.
YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT.
GOD, THESE CHAIRS ARE HARD.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SITTING HERE
EATING DINNER
WITH SOMEONE WHO ANNOYS THE HELL
OUT OF ME.
NEITHER CAN I.
SO, JASON, HOW WAS SCHOOL
TODAY?
IT WAS GREAT, FATHER.
I WON THE ROLE OF JESUS IN
"GODSPELL."
OHH!
BIG DEAL.
WHO CARES ABOUT GOD?
AND HOW WAS YOUR DAY,
LISA?
OH, TERRIFIC, FATHER.
I WAS NOMINATED FOR STUDENT
COUNCIL.
AGAIN! THAT IS WONDERFUL!
WE ARE SO PROUD OF YOU.
SO, MICHAEL RICHARD KYLE
JUNIOR,
HOW WAS YOUR DAY AT SCHOOL
TODAY?
WELL, ALTHOUGH I GOT MY PENIS
CAUGHT IN MY ZIPPER TWICE...
I ALMOST GOT AN "A" ON
MY TEST.
YOU WHAT?!
YOU HEAR THAT, EVERYBODY?
MY SON ALMOST GOT AN "A" ON
HIS TEST.
WHAT'D YOU GET?
A "D."
JUST THREE LETTERS AWAY FROM
AN "A."
WHOA.
TALK ABOUT CLOSE.
SHE JUST SIPPED MY DRINK.
WHO?
THE HOSTESS.
YOU ARE LOSING YOUR MIND.
I SAW WHAT I SAW,
AND I KNOW WHAT I SEEN.
THERE YOU GO.
HOLD ON, ONE SECOND.
THIS SEEMS TO BE A SIP SHORT OF
A FULL DRINK.
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.
YOU SIPPED MY DRINK.
YOU SIPPED IT.
ZIP IT?
NO, NOT ZIPPER.
YOU SIP MY DRINK.
OH.
I THIRSTY.
THANK YOU.
NO-NO, NO-NO.
SHE DID IT AGAIN.
TAKE IT BACK AND GET ME ANOTHER
ONE AND DON'T CHARGE ME FOR IT.
YES, CHARGE YOU.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
DON'T CHARGE ME.
YES, EVERYTHING CHARGED AT
THE TOKAHANA.
NO. NO. NO. NO CHARGE
CHARGE.
NO. CHARGE -- NO.
CHARGE.
NO, THAT'S YOUR DRINK.
YES.
I HOPE LIGHTNING HITS ME
AND I DIE.
CHARGE.
NO CHARGING.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO CHARGE ME --
DOES THERE SEEM TO BE
A PROBLEM, SIR?
YES. APPARENTLY YOUR HOSTESS
HERE HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM.
SHE SIPPED MY DRINK TWICE.
WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT,
ELAINE?
[ Normal voice ]
I HAVE NO IDEA, LARRY.
[ Japanese accent ]
I MEAN, MR. MIYAGI.
IF YOU HAVE NO IDEA, THEN WHY IS
YOUR LIPSTICK ON MY GLASS?
YOU GIVE ME SIP, REMEMBER?
DIDN'T HE GIVE ME SIP?
HE CLEARLY GAVE HER A SIP,
YES.
I'M VERY SORRY ABOUT THIS WHOLE
MISUNDERSTANDING.
I'LL HAVE ANOTHER BEVERAGE
SENT RIGHT OVER.
THANK YOU, AND PLEASE DON'T LET
CROUCHING TIGER, SIPPING DRAGON
BRING IT, OKAY?
IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE I CAN
HELP YOU WITH?
YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT.
THEY CHARGED US $60 FOR A
SWEAT SHIRT.
I KNOW THAT'S GOT TO BE
A MISTAKE.
YES, THANK YOU FOR BRINGING THIS
TO MY ATTENTION.
THESE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE $72.
I'LL HAVE IT REFLECTED ON
YOUR BILL.
WELL, YOU HANDLED THAT WELL,
DIDN'T YOU?
ARE YOU SATISFIED NOW?
CAN WE STOP ARGUING WITH PEOPLE?
CAN WE HAVE A CIVILIZED MEAL,
PLEASE?
JAY, I'M SORRY.
BABY, I'M SORRY.
CAN I HAVE A KISS?
YEAH, YEAH.
OKAY, WELL, HOPEFULLY THE FOOD
WILL BE GOOD.
I'M GONNA REALLY TRY...HARD
TO ENJOY.
THAT'S REPULSIVE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M SEDUCING THAT GIRL WITH MY
MATING CALL BY LICKING MY LIPS.
GIRLS LOVE IT.
THEY ONLY LOVE IT IF YOU CAN
LICK YOUR EYEBROWS.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA DO THAT
TAMBOURINE AND WHISTLE THING.
NO, I'M NOT.
GOOD.
[ WHISTLE BLOWS,
TAMBOURINE RATTLES ]
[ JAY LAUGHS ]
EXCUSE ME, SIR,
COULD I HAVE A WORD, PLEASE?
[ WHISPERING ]
BUT THERE AREN'T ANY OTHER
TABLES AVAILABLE.
HE ASKED TO MOVE HIS SEAT.
THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED.
I WANTED TO BE THE ONE
TO ASK.
THAT'S MAKING ME LOOK LIKE
THE BAD GUY.
I NEED TO GO FIX THIS.
OH, NO, NO, NO.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA MAKE THIS THING
ANY BIGGER OR SILLIER.
I WISH YOU WOULD JUST GO
APOLOGIZE TO THAT MAN
SO WE CAN ALL EAT IN PEACE.
HE WAS IN THE WRONG --
CLEARLY IN THE WRONG.
IT'S CALLED BEING
THE BIGGER MAN, MICHAEL.
I LIKE THAT, JAY.
I COULD LIVE WITH THAT.
"BE THE BIGGER MAN."
I LIKE THE WAY THAT SOUNDS.
ON MY RéSUMé -- "MICHAEL KYLE,
THE BIGGER MAN."
EXCUSE ME, MR. TYLER.
I'D LIKE TO OFFER AN APOLOGY.
I WAS WAY OUT OF LINE AT THE
GAS STATION,
AND I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE.
TRUCE?
SURE.
I'LL BE THE BIGGER MAN.
NO! NO! NO-NO!
I WAS THE BIGGER MAN.
I OFFERED THE APOLOGY.
EXCUSE ME, IT TAKES A BIGGER MAN
TO ACCEPT AND FORGIVE.
THEREFORE, I AM THE BIGGER MAN.
YOU ARE THE SUPPLICANT.
OH, NO, I'M NOT.
SEE, BECAUSE, TECHNICALLY,
YOU ACCEPTED MY APOLOGY,
WHICH MAKES YOU
THE SUCCULENT ONE.
ALL RIGHT, THEN, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT -- I RESCIND MY ACCEPTANCE.
TOO LATE! TOO LATE!
IT IS NEVER TOO LATE --
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!
HE DOES HEAR THIS!
[ CHATTERING ]
[ Bad Japanese accent ]
HEY, EVERYBODY! HEY!
WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE WE ARE
HAVING A GOOD TIME OVER HERE.
SO, IS EVERYONE READY TO EAT?
I AM!
I AM!
I AM!
ALL RIGHT, GOOD. GOOD.
I AM YOUR CHEF.
MY NAME IS NABU HUNKATORA.
WHOA-WHOA-WHOA-WHOA.
YOU'RE NOT JAPANESE.
YES. YES, I AM.
YOU ARE BEING SO RUDE.
HE'S NOT JAPANESE.
WE'RE IN A JAPANESE RESTAURANT.
I WANT A JAPANESE CHEF.
IT DOESN'T MATTER!
IT DOES MATTER.
EVERYBODY ELSE HAS
JAPANESE CHEFS.
LOOK, RIGHT THERE,
HE'S JAPANESE.
I'LL BET THAT HOSTESS HAS
SOMETHING TO DO WITH THIS.
I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR A
JAPANESE CHEF?
I AM JAPANESE.
WHAT PART OF JAPAN
ARE YOU FROM?
UHH...DOWNTOWN.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, DO SOMETHING
FANCY WITH THE KNIVES.
[ CLANGING RHYTHMICALLY ]
Stewart:
OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
OF COURSE HE'S GOOD
WITH KNIVES.
HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S GOOD WITH A
SPOON AND A FORK, TOO.
SO, IS EVERYONE READY
TO ORDER?
I WANT SHRIMP, MISTER.
PLEASE, CALL ME NABU-SAN.
I WANT SHRIMP, TOO,
NABU-SAN.
I WANT CHICKEN COOKED IN
CANOLA OIL,
NOT THAT FATTY STUFF,
NABU-SAN.
AND WHAT CAN I GET FOR YOU,
SIR?
YOU CAN GET ME A JAPANESE CHEF,
NABU-SAN JUAN.
UM, MAYBE YOU CAN RECOMMEND
SOMETHING, NABU-SAN.
I CERTAINLY CAN.
I RECOMMEND THE IMPERIAL DINNER.
IT COMES WITH YOUR CHOICE
OF CHICKEN, SHRIMP, STEAK,
OR LOBSTER.
YOU HEAR THAT?
[ Imitating ] "LOSTER."
HE SOUNDS LIKE
RICARDO MONTALBAN.
IF HE WAS JAPANESE, IT WOULD BE
"ROBSTA, ROBSTA."
I'LL HAVE THE IMPERIAL
WITH ROBSTA.
AND WE'LL HAVE THE IMPERIAL
DINNER, TOO, PLEASE,
BUT WE'LL HAVE IT WITH
"SLEAK."
STEAK -- MEAT.
[ SIZZLING ]
[ COUGHING ]
[ WHEEZING ]
THAT WAS FANTASTIC, NABU.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
WOULD YOU PLEASE HOLD OUT THAT
EMPTY GLASS FOR ME?
NO, NO, NO, THANK YOU.
I DON'T WANT TO BE IN
THE SHOW.
COME ON, BABY!
DADDY! DADDY! DADDY!
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
I'M HOLDING UP THE GLASS.
GO AHEAD.
DO YOUR LITTLE TRICK.
OKAY, HERE YOU GO.
AHH! WHOO!
YOU BURNED ME, YOU IDIOT!
[ LAUGHING ]
THAT'S WHY
I LOVE THIS PLACE.
NOT ONLY IS THE FOOD GREAT,
BUT THERE'S ALWAYS A SHOW.
HERE'S YOUR CHANCE TO BE IN
THE SHOW.
ARE YOU INSANE?!
IT'S INSANE WHEN I DO IT,
BUT WHEN HE DOES IT,
IT'S ENTERTAINMENT!
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT,
YOU DOLT!
HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!
COME ON!
WAIT!
A NICE, CIVILIZED DINNER,
REMEMBER, MICHAEL?
YOUR KIDS!
STEWART MARION TYLER, I WANT YOU
TO GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF.
I AM NOT GETTING UP AT 4:00 A.M.
TO APPLY THAT OINTMENT.
HOW I HATE YOU.
[ GASPS ]
COME ON.
COME ON!
CAN WE JUST PLEASE
SIT DOWN?
LET'S SIT DOWN...MARION.
JOHN WAYNE'S NAME
WAS MARION.
YEAH, BUT HE DIDN'T HAVE
HEMORRHOIDS.
WOULD YOU SEND A COCA-COLA TO
THAT YOUNG LADY
WITH MY COMPLIMENTS?
AREN'T YOU WORRIED I'M GOING TO
DRINK SOME OF IT?
THAT WOULD ONLY ENHANCE
THE FANTASY.
YOU ARE A CREEPY CHILD.
OKAY, WE'LL START OFF WITH
SOME CHICKEN
AND SOME STIR-FRY VEGETABLES.
WHAT ARE YOU
FROWNING ABOUT?
HE'S GOT MORE CHICKEN
THAN I DO.
NO, HE DOESN'T.
MINE IS MOSTLY SPROUTS.
ANYBODY WANT TO SHARE
THIS CHICKEN?
IT'S MORE THAN I CAN EAT.
THAT'S IT.
I'M GONNA TAKE A WALK.
SO, HOW IS EVERYONE'S FOOD?
[ Muffled ] DELICIOUS.
BABY, YOU KNOW BETTER THAN TO
TALK WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL.
SORRY, MOMMY.
DELICIOUS!
I'LL BE BACK IN A MOMENT,
DEAR.
MOM, TELL JUNIOR TO STOP
SHOOTING SPITBALLS AT ME!
JUNIOR, STOP SHOOTING SPITBALLS
AT YOUR SISTER.
I DIDN'T DO IT.
CHIP 'N' DALE OVER THERE DID IT.
JUNIOR, STOP IT RIGHT NOW.
[ Muffled ]
TELL THEM TO STOP.
JASON, YOU PUT THAT STRAW DOWN
THIS INSTANT!
THAT'S ENOUGH!
THEY SHOT ONE AT ME!
STOP IT! I SAID STOP IT!
YOU TWO STOP IT!
THAT IS NOT LADYLIKE.
THEY GOT ME.
HEY!
[ SIGHS ]
[ BALLGAME PLAYING ON RADIO ]
COULD YOU TURN THAT RADIO OFF?
I'LL GIVE YOU 10 BUCKS.
I'LL GIVE YOU 20 BUCKS.
YOU GOT IT.
THANK YOU.
COME ON, COME ON.
HEY, COULD YOU TURN THE WATER ON
FOR ME, PLEASE?
NOT SO HARD.
YEAH, RIGHT -- RIGHT THERE.
LISTEN, I WANT TO APOLOGIZE FOR
MY ACTIONS EARLIER TODAY
AT THE GAS STATION.
I WAS WRONG IN MONOPOLIZING THE
SPACE AND KEEPING YOU WAITING.
I APPRECIATE YOU SAYING THAT.
I REALLY DO.
WHAT DO YOU SAY
WE START FRESH?
OKAY.
HEY, THAT WATER IS COLD,
ISN'T IT?
HA HA HA HA HA HA.
IT'S DEEP, TOO.
[ TOILET FLUSHES ]
HEY, I'M REALLY SORRY
ABOUT WHAT I SAID
ABOUT YOUR KIDS BEING SQUIRRELS
AND STUFF LIKE THAT.
I MEAN, THAT WASN'T NICE.
THE KIDS SHOULDN'T BE INVOLVED.
CAN I GET ONE?
KIDS SHOULDN'T BE IN--
THAT WAS DISGUSTING.
HE WALKED OUT OF HERE
WITHOUT WASHING HIS HANDS?
[ MUMBLES ]
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
YO, SAYONARA, BROTHER.
YOU JAPANESE, TOO?
TILL MIDNIGHT.
Jay: HEY, BABY.
COME HERE.
I HEAR YOU MADE AMENDS
IN THE BATHROOM.
HE MADE AMENDS, ALL RIGHT.
HE MADE A MEN'S ROOM VERY
UNCOMFORTABLE.
WHAT?
THE GUY TOTALLY VIOLATED
GOOD URINAL ETIQUETTE.
WHAT IS
"GOOD URINAL ETIQUETTE"?
LOOK, IT'S AN UNWRITTEN
MALE LAW --
THAT IF I'M USING A URINAL,
THE NEXT GUY HAS TO USE THE
URINAL FURTHEST AWAY FROM ME.
THERE'S SUPPOSED TO BE A MINIMUM
OF ONE EMPTY URINAL
ON BOTH FLANKS.
IT'S THE COMFORT ZONE,
OR THE SPLASH ZONE, IF YOU WANT.
AND ON TOP OF THAT,
THIS PIG DOESN'T EVEN WASH
HIS NASTY HANDS.
I'M TELLING YOU, HONEY,
THEY CHANGED THE SAUCE.
IT'S TANGIER.
OKAY, IT'S TIME NOW
FOR THE MAIN COURSE.
CAN'T WAIT TO GET AHOLD
OF THAT LOBSTER.
IT'S GONNA MAKE
EVERYTHING BETTER.
WE GOT LOBSTER RIGHT HERE.
AND WE GOT STEAK RIGHT HERE.
[ Imitating Nabu ] NO, NO, NO,
LOBSTER GOES OVER HERE,
AND THE STEAK
GOES OVER THERE.
NO PROBLEMA, PAL.
HERE YOU GO, BUDDY BOY.
[ LAUGHING ] WATCH OUT.
WHOO.
HA HA HA HA HA.
THERE WE ARE.
THERE YOU GO.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?
IS SOMETHING WRONG
WITH YOUR LOBSTER?
"IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH
MY LOBSTER?" HE ASKS.
MICHAEL, DON'T.
IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG
WITH YOUR LOBSTER?
YEAH, CONSIDERING THAT YOU
DIDN'T WASH YOUR NASTY HANDS,
AND YOU PUT THEM
ON MY LOBSTER,
THERE'S SOMETHING VERY WRONG
WITH MY LOBSTER.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I ALWAYS WASH MY HANDS!
DIDN'T WASH THEM THIS TIME.
YOU DIDN'T WASH YOUR HANDS?
DADDY, THAT'S DISGUSTING!
STAY OUT OF IT!
STEW, NOT AGAIN!
[ SIGHS ]
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I HAD ENOUGH OF YOU, TOO,
SALTY FINGERS.
I HAD ENOUGH
OF BOTH OF YOU.
AND SO HAVE I!
SIT DOWN, MICHAEL!
STEWART, SIT DOWN!
HE PUT PEE-PEE FINGERS
ON MY LOBSTER.
THAT'S WHAT IT WAS.
NABU WILL MAKE YOU ANOTHER
LOBSTER, WON'T YOU, NABU?
NO PROBLEM.
THANK YOU! NOW, I WANT ALL OF
YOU TO SIT DOWN,
SHUT YOUR MOUTHS,
AND I WANT YOU TO ENJOY EACH
OTHER'S COMPANY
BEFORE I STRANGLE
EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!
YOU STILL HAVE MY STEAK.
ALLOW ME.
AH-CHOO!
THERE YOU GO.
ENJOY.
MAN, I CANNOT EAT
ANOTHER BITE.
ME TOO. NABU-SAN,
EVERYTHING WAS DELICIOUS.
AY! MUCHAS GRACIAS.
I MEAN, UH, DOUMOARIGATOU.
THANK YOU, EVERYBODY.
BYE-BYE.
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR -- ♪
STOP IT! HOLD IT!
STOP THE SINGING!
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
HE'S NOT SINGING.
THAT'S RIGHT.
WHY WON'T YOU SING
TO MY WIFE?
BECAUSE I DON'T WANNA SING
TO YOUR WIFE.
WHY NOT?
I DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO YOU.
THIS IS AMERICA.
I HAVE MY RIGHTS TO NOT SING
IF I DON'T WANNA SING.
WHAT'S SO HARD ABOUT SINGING?
IS HIS VOICE THAT BAD?
NO, I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL VOICE.
IT'S ACTUALLY FALSETTO.
I CHOOSE NOT TO SING
TO YOUR WIFE.
YOU WILL.
I WILL NOT.
[ Singing in high pitch ]
I WI-I-I-I-I-LL NO-O-O-O-T...
NOW, HEAR THIS.
[ Still singing ]
EVE-E-E-E-R.
I'M NOT ASKING YOU
TO BAKE THE CAKE.
BUT I'M ASKING YOU
TO SING TO MY WIFE.
IT'S UN-AMERICAN NOT TO SING
TO MY WIFE.
IT IS! IT'S UN-AMERICAN!
AND IT'S COMMON COURTESY!
WELL, IT'S COMMON COURTESY
TO PULL YOUR CAR UP
AT THE GAS STATION SO OTHER
PEOPLE CAN USE THE PUMP.
THERE WE GO WITH THE GAS STATION
AGAIN, HUH?!
AND WHY DID YOU STAND
NEXT TO ME AT THE URINAL
AND VIOLATE THE SPLASH ZONE?
OH, MY GOD!
WHY DID YOU TOUCH MY CRUSTACEAN
WITH YOUR PEE-PEE FINGERS?
AND WHY AM I SPENDING SO MUCH
MONEY TO EAT DINNER
WITH PEOPLE WHO I DON'T LIKE?
HUH? HUH, WHY?
UH, I'VE HAD ABOUT ENOUGH OF
THIS. KIDS, LET'S GO.
I'M VERY SORRY.
PLEASE DON'T LEAVE.
LET THEM GO, PLEASE.
I BLAME YOU FOR NOT MOVING
US WHEN I ASKED TO.
THERE WAS NOTHING THAT --
EXCUSE ME!
AND I ASSURE THAT NEITHER I
NOR ANYONE ELSE IN
THE PROCTOLOGICAL COMMUNITY --
AND THERE ARE MANY OF US.
WE'RE A TIGHT LITTLE GROUP.
YOU HEAR THAT, JAY?
HE'S A PROFESSIONAL PAIN
IN THE ASS.
NONE OF US
IS COMING BACK AGAIN!
PLEASE, LET ME PAY
FOR YOUR DINNER.
IT'S THE LEAST I CAN DO.
WHAT ABOUT MY CHECK?
HERE YOU GO.
[ SCREAMS ]
DID YOU SEE HOW DAD THREW THAT
GUY IN THE KOI POND?
YEAH, DAD,
THAT WAS FUNNY.
THAT'S WHAT HE DID TO ME.
LOOK, I DON'T WANT ANY OF YOU
ADMIRING THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR.
MICHAEL, I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU DID THAT!
WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?
THE GUY CHARGED ME FOR A LOBSTER
THAT I DIDN'T EAT,
A DRINK
THAT THE HOSTESS DRANK.
HE CHARGED ME FOR A BIRTHDAY
CAKE, THAT SWEATSUIT,
AND -- AND A BUNCH OF SODAS
THAT I DIDN'T EVEN BUY.
I CAN CLEAR UP THAT MYSTERY.
JUNIOR KEPT SENDING DRINKS
TO SOME GIRL.
NOT SOME GIRL -- CATHY.
AND IT WORKED, TOO.
I GAVE HER MY NUMBER,
SHE GAVE ME ONE BACK.
NO, IDIOT, SHE GAVE YOU
YOURS BACK.
BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE
ANY SENSE.
WHY WAS SHE ALL FLIRTING WITH ME
AND TAKING MY FREE SODAS
IF SHE WASN'T INTERESTED?
BECAUSE SHE WAS PRACTICING
THE ART OF BEING A WOMAN.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
THEY GET REALLY GOOD AT IT?
THEY CAN MAKE YOU TAKE THE WHOLE
FAMILY TO TOKAHANA'S.
HA HA HA. VERY FUNNY.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
YEAH, COME ON, I WANNA WATCH THE
GAME THAT I TAPED.
UGH.
OH, WHERE'S THE VALET?
WHAT IS THE LIGHT
STILL DOING ON IN THE CAR?
HE'S IN MY -- HE'S SMOKING
A CIGAR IN MY CAR?
HEY!
WOW, WHAT A GAME!
JORDAN SCORED 100 POINTS IN
TRIPLE OVERTIME AND WON!
AAAHHH!
UH! OH!
[ GRUNTS ]
CHARGED ME FOR A BIRTHDAY CAKE,
THAT SWEAT SHIRT,
AND ABOUT 8 COKES THAT I DIDN'T
EVEN BUY.
OH.
[ LAUGHS ]
I FORGOT.
I GAVE HER MY NUMBER,
SHE GAVE ME HERS BACK.
NO, SHE -- YOU --
NO, SHE GAVE YOU --
NO...
[ LAUGHTER ]