My Wife and Kids (2001–2005): Season 2, Episode 11 - Letting Go - full transcript

(WHISPERING) No! Jay,
turn the light off!

Sorry! I didn't know
you were in here.

And why are
we whispering?

Shh!

Look across
the street.
Come here.

Come here. Look.

Get down. Get down!

What?

You see the light?
Yeah.

In the neighbor's house?
He's watching me.

What? What are you
talking about?



He's...
Jay, he's a Pooping Tom.

Have you actually
seen this man
looking at you?

No, but I feel it.
Every time I'm sitting
over there rocking,

I feel his eyes
all over me.

This is stupid.
You are so
paranoid, Michael.

I'm not...

Don't turn on the light!

And will you
keep it down?

He could
be listening.
Listening for what?

What could he
possibly be
listening for?

I don't know.
Sounds, grunts,
my sighs of relief.

I don't know.

He's the wacko.

You know what?
What?



This is what you
should do, Michael.

(WHISPERING) Wait,
wait, wait, wait.

Call the cops.
'Cause they probably...

See, they probably have
a special task force
just to catch Pooping Toms.

Yeah.
Yeah!

The Squat team.

Mommy, I'm so
glad that I love
Buddy the hamster.

(CHUCKLING)
Well, you know what?

I think you two
look alike.

(SNIFFING)

It was really nice
of your school

to let you have him
for the week.

That's because
I won the spelling bee.

Really? And what did
you have to spell?

Bee.

You know what?
If this all goes well,

maybe we can talk your
daddy into letting you
have your own little pet.

Daddy hates
everything that's
little and furry.

Mmm.

Try to keep him in his cage,
okay, baby?

Okay.

Junior.

You read the back
of that cereal box
every single morning.

How can you
still laugh at it?

Because no matter
how many times

that silly rabbit
tricks me with his
little disguises,

he never gets
past those kids.
They're geniuses!

I don't believe it!

This guy is
unbelievable.

What guy?

The neighbor.
You know what
he just did?

What, Michael?
What could he have
possibly done this time?

All right.
I take the garbage out,
put it in the trash.

Turn around,
look back,

he's putting
his garbage
in our cans.

So what?
It's garbage.

When they collect it,
it's going in the
same place anyway.

No, no, no, no. See,
it's principle, Jay.

I don't want
another man's hand
digging in my can.

I think he found your
bumper sticker, Michael.

Hey, I hope that's
a new fashion statement

because your
school bus will be
here in 20 minutes.

(MOANING)
I feel sick.

Mommy, feel
my forehead.
I'm burning up.

Oh, poor Claire.

She does feel
sick, Michael.

It's okay.

I'll try to make it
if I don't pass out
on the bus.

No, no, no, no.
You're gonna march
yourself upstairs

and get back
in that bed.

(COUGHS)
Okay, Mom.

And the Oscar
goes to Claire Kyle
for The Lying Game.

(COUGHING)

Daddy, I feel sick, too.

I think I have
what Claire has.

Touch my forehead.

No, there's a better way
to tell your temperature.

Turn around.
Can you bend down?
Can you touch your toes?

Okay.
Okay.

Get your butt to school.

See? That's
the way you do it.

I don't know how you
fell for the oldest
trick in the book.

What? She was sick!

Yeah. She's faking.

I know fake moaning
when I hear it.

I know for a fact
that that's not true.

Michael, the girl
does well in school.
What's one day off?

Hey, as long
as you know
she's playing you.

First, it's the neighbor,
now it's Claire?

You are so paranoid!

I am not paranoid.

But you know what?
(SIGHING) What?

I'm a go
put our garbage
in his garbage

and see how
he likes that.

That'll show him.

MICHAEL: Correct.

Mommy?

Hey. Oh. I'm sorry, baby,
we're gonna be late for
Tumble Tots. Let's go.

No, Mommy.

Buddy got out
of his cage and
I can't find him.

How did that
happen, Kady?

I left his
cage open,

but I told him
not to move.

Okay, look.
There's food
in his cage.

He'll come back
when he's hungry.

So don't worry,
we'll find him.

Let's go.

MAN ON TV: Please welcome...

Come on. Will you
just show the
Jordan highlights?

I gotta go to work.

(SCREAMING)

What was that?

Oh, my God,
I killed a rat.

Look at the size
of this thing.

Oh, boy, I was on
my way to the
temp agency

and forgot my resume.

Look, baby,
I killed a rat!

Yeah, that neighbor's
trash is starting to
attract rodents.

Oh, my God!

Yeah, imagine that,
in our house, rats!
Michael!

I know!
Michael! No,
that's Buddy!

You knew him?

That's Kady's hamster
from school!

(SIGHS)
Uh-oh.

So, what are
we gonna do?
We?

Yeah.
No, uh-uh.

You killed him.
You better give
him mouth-to-mouth.

I ain't putting my mouth
on no hamster mouth.

You better think of
something, Michael.

Okay. I got an idea.

Buddy, no, Buddy!
No, live!

I could do
CPR with this.

(GRUNTS) Okay.

One, two, three,
four, five.

(EXHALES)

One, two, three,
four, five.

(EXHALES)

Is he dead?

Yeah.

(SIGHING)
It's not working.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

I'm glad
I'm not you
right now,

'cause you're gonna
have to explain this
to Kady.

Look, Jay,
I tell you what.
Let's not tell her.

Okay? I could just
buy another one
and replace it.

She'll never know
the difference.

I hope you're
right, Michael.

(SCREAMS)
Oh, he moved!

Michael, no!

(STAMMERING)
No, Michael! No!

Yeah, Erica,
they totally
fell for it.

I just whipped up
a little fever with
the wash cloth.

So, where are you?

Algebra?

(LAUGHING)

Oh, that's Tony!
I'll call you later.

Ow! Watch it!

I'm coming down.

He's cute
but he's so dumb.

Yeah, I'm looking
to replace
a dead hamster.

Color?

What's my race
got to do...

Oh! The hamster.

Uh, it's brown
and white and
red all over.

Length?

Uh, it's about
four inches.

Eyes? Closed.

Okay. Uh...

I gotta let you go.
There's a boy in
my bushes right now.

I'll call you back.

Uh, Daddy!

What are you
doing home?

I was just
about to leave.

You look like
you're feeling better.

(STAMMERING) Uh, no!
I feel worse.

I just came down

(CLEARS THROAT)
to get some more
of that sick medicine.

Really? So why'd you
change your clothes?

Because I
threw up on them.

Maybe I should
stay home and
take care of you.

No!

Why not?

Because I don't want
you to catch it.

(COUGHING)

Yeah, maybe
you're right.

(COUGHING)

I'm gonna leave.
Okay.

Yeah.
(COUGHS) Okay.
I'll see you later.

I left you a snack
on the counter.

Okay, bye.

(COUGHING)

(WHISTLING)

(MOOING)

(WHISPERING)
The coast is clear!

Come, come.

What was that all about?

I said make
a bird noise.

I couldn't think of
any bird noises,

so I did the only
animal noise I knew.

A cow?
Yeah.

It's either that
or a pig.

But why would a pig
be in the bushes?

Why would a cow
be in the bushes?

Hiding.

So, what do
you wanna do?

I don't know.
What do you
wanna do?

I don't know.
What do you
wanna do?

I don't care.
It's your house.
What do you wanna do?

You're the guest.
What do you wanna do?

I wanna do
whatever you
wanna do.

Let's watch TV.
Okay.

What do you
wanna watch?

I don't know.
What do you
wanna watch?

I don't know.
What do you
wanna watch?

I don't care.
It's your TV.

What do you
wanna watch?
You're the company.

What do you
wanna watch?

I want to watch
whatever you
wanna watch.

Let's not watch TV.

You want to
see my room?

I don't know.
You wanna
show it to me?

If you wanna see it.

I want to
if you want to.

You know what?
Just follow me.

You want me to? Because
if you want me to...
Shut up, Tony.

Just come with me.

Hi. I'm doing
a survey on
refrigerators.

You are?

Can you check to see
if yours is running?

If so, catch it!

(GIGGLING)
Isn't that funny?

I don't get it.

See, your...

You know what?
You don't have to, Tony,
because you're cute.

You're cute, too.
You think so?

Yeah, I sure do.

You know what'd
happen if my
father caught us?

What?

He'd kill us.

He'd kill us
even though we're sick?

Tony, we're
not really sick.

Oh, right!

(DOORKNOB RATTLING)

Claire, why is
this door locked?

(WHISPERS) Hide!

(COUGHING)
I thought you left.

Now, you know the
worst thing you could do
is lie to me, young lady.

I know that, Daddy.
Good.

Because I'm only
gonna ask you this once.

Is there anyone else
in this room with you?

(CLEARS THROAT) Huh?
(CLEARS THROAT) I said,

is there anyone else
in this room with you?

Yes.
Oh. And who might that be?

My very
understanding father.

Really?
Yeah.

I hope that's him
behind the curtain

'cause your
pissed off father's
standing right here.

Come on out here, genius.

Who? Me?
No, the idiot
behind the curtain.

Oh, thank God!

Get out here!

Claire, why don't
you introduce me
to your friend?

This is Tony. Tony,
this is my father.

It's a pleasure to
meet you, Mr. Kyle.

If I shake your hand,
I'm gonna put it
in my pocket.

So, what do
you think I should
do with you, Tony?

I don't know.
What do you
wanna do?

No, I asked you first.
What do you think
I should do with you?

I don't care. It's your
house. I can't tell you
what to do.

No, it's your behind.

I wanna know
what you think
I should do with it.

Do whatever
you wanna do.

(SCREAMS)

What the hell
is wrong with you?

Huh? What's
on your mind?

Having a boy
in your room when
no one else is home?

Do you know how
dangerous that is?

What's wrong with you?

It wasn't like that, Daddy.

Oh, shut up!

It didn't start out
like that,

but it could've
ended up like that

because you two
were running out
of things to say.

"What do you wanna do?"
"I don't know.
I'll do whatever you want."

"What do you want?"
"You wanna see my pee-pee?"

Daddy! You don't
know this boy.

He's innocent...
(SHUSHING) Okay?

They all start
out innocent.
I was innocent.

That freak
across the street,
he started out innocent.

Now, he's peeking
in my window

and sniffing
around my can.

The point is,
you never know.

What the hell
were you thinking?

Daddy, I just turned 15
and you won't let me date.

Here's a date.
I got a date
for you. Okay?

January 1st, 2025.

You know what
date that is?

That's the date
that you can finally
leave this room.

That's my punishment.

When your mother
finds out,

you'll probably get
the death penalty.

Please, Dad.
Don't tell Mom.

I'm sorry I ditched school.
I'm sorry I had Tony over.

And I'm sorry
I broke the
window downstairs

and blamed it on
the neighbors' kids.

You broke
that window?
No.

But I'll confess
to anything if you
don't tell Mom.

Okay, I won't
tell your mother.
(SIGHS) Oh, thank you.

But you gotta tell Kady
you killed her hamster.

What?
Never mind.

The point is,
this is not over
yet, lady. Okay?

Daddy?
What?

He's really cute,
isn't he?

Yeah. So was
the hamster.

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

Look at the thing,
it's creepy.

Daddy, you found Buddy!

Uh, yeah. And I put
a leash on his neck,

so he can't
get away again.

What's he doing?

He's sleeping
right now.

So, you don't
wanna wake him up.

He had a really
busy day.

(SHUSHING)

No, he's lazy.
We need to get
some exercise.

(BOTH EXCLAIM)

Come on, Buddy.

Kady.
Kady, baby...
Baby... Kady...

(EXCLAIMING)

I take it
you didn't complete
your errands, honey?

I didn't have
the time, sugar.

Well, you're gonna have
to talk to her, sweetie.

I will, but I don't
wanna break her
heart, honeybuns.

Well, you broke
his skull without
a second thought,

didn't you there,
cupcake?

And sooner or later
you're gonna have
to talk to her

and tell her the
truth, ding-dong.

I will when I find
the right words
to say, dumpy.

I mean, dumping. Gling.

Cling?
Gling.

Yeah, dumpling.

Talk to her.
I will.

Can't we just get some
little wheels and put
it on him and drag him?

Would you just
talk to her?

All right.

Look, Daddy,
I have him trained!

Roll over.

Sit up.

Play dead.

He got that one
down pat, huh?

Now, watch this.

Fetch!

Ta-da!

That was
pretty amazing, huh?

Talk to her.
Yeah.

We ran around the
block three times.

Why aren't you eating?

Probably because there's
a dead rat on the table.

I think I'm
going to vomit.

Hey, Kady,
I got an idea.

Why don't we take
Buddy outside and
feed him there, huh?

(KICKING)
To what? Ow!

Okay.

Come, Buddy, jump down.

Oh, that's six, Kady.

Daddy,
I can't reach it.

Will you please
move it for me?

(GROANS) Again?

Hand me those
Buddy tongs, please.

Okay, six.

One, two, three,

four, five, six!

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

Oh, all right.
He wins. Buddy wins!

Buddy wins,
Buddy wins!

Game over.
Buddy wins.

We can't compete
with Buddy.

Yeah. Kady,
can you please
give us a break?

Go put him to bed
or something.
MICHAEL: Yeah.

Yeah, sure, Mommy.

Okay.

Buddy, say
good night.
Okay, okay.

Good night, good night,
good night, good night!

Okay, okay,
good night, Buddy.

He's rubbing
against you...

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

Sleep tight.
Don't let the
maggots bite.

Junior, follow her
and make sure she
doesn't touch that thing.

Oh, "Don't touch
that thing."

That's all
I ever hear.

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

Ha, ha,
Dad lost to a dead hamster.

(MOCK LAUGHTER)

Have you told your
mother what you did
today in school?

(MOCK LAUGHTER)

(WHISPERS) You promised
you wouldn't tell.

I'm not telling.

You're gonna tell.

Tell what?
Yeah. Tell what?

I sort of pretended
to be sick so I could
stay home from school.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

You what?
You what?

After I stuck up
for you, Claire?

After she did all that
sticking up for you?

I'm sorry, Mom,
I shouldn't have
done that.

She's sorry.

And she shouldn't
have done that.

Why don't you
tell her what else you
shouldn't have done?

Go ahead. She'll
want to hear this.
Go ahead.

I kind of had
a friend over.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Who?

Who was it? Erica?

What is her number?
I'm gonna call her
mother right now!

I think you
should call her,
and then ask her

who's this other friend
that your daughter's
hanging out with.

The one that came over
here when we left
and went out to work.

Go ahead, dial.
Dial that number.

What other friend, Claire?

Yeah, what
other friend?

Tony.

(STAMMERING)
What was that?

What, what,
what, what?

I think
she said, "Tony."

That better be
Toni with an "I,"
as in Toni Braxton.

No, I think
that's Tony
with a "Y,"

as in, why is your
daughter still alive?

Oh, she won't
be for long.

Well, I've gotta go
'cause I'm sure
you two have

so much to
talk about.

Yeah, yeah,
it's better that way.

That way there's
no witnesses.

Yeah, and you have
to go talk to Kady.

Okay, hand me
the Buddy tongs,
please.

Thanks a lot, Daddy.

(SCREAMS)
You're welcome, baby.

Hey. I thought you
were gonna have that
conversation with Kady.

I will.

I just had to put
the curtain down

on the number two
show in America.

Michael, I need
to talk to you
about Claire.

What hospital
did you put her in?

No.

(CHUCKLES) Um...
I decided to
let her date.

You what? Jay...

Baby, baby, look.

I saw the look
in this girl's eyes.

There's no way
we're gonna keep her
away from that boy,

so we have
to take control
of this situation.

You're right.
I gotta kill him.

No! No.

And you can't
kill them all.

Yeah, but I can
make an example
out of this one

and then the
word will start
to get around.

Baby, do you
remember when we
first started dating

how my parents
were so against it?

Yeah. Well,
you were their
baby girl.

I'm trying to...
Yes, yes.

My parents'
overprotectiveness

forced us to sneak around
behind their backs.

And because
we didn't have
the proper guidance,

we ended up
with Junior.

I thought it was
'cause we didn't
have a condom.

I'm not kidding.
Jay, what are
you saying?

I can't be
a concerned father?

No. I'm saying
you're gonna have
to accept the reality

that she really,
really likes this boy,

and there's nothing
you can say or do
to change that.

I mean,
keeping them
apart, Michael,

is gonna
make him even more
attractive to her.

I don't know what she finds
so attractive about
this kid anyway.

He's tall and skinny,
got a bald head
and pointy ears.

I mean,
what does she find
so cute about him?

I have no idea.

But, baby, don't you
think it'd be easier
if we just accept it?

No, it'd be easier
just to bury him
underneath the house.

Okay, listen.

I need for you
to become friends
with this boy

so that we can
guide him and
keep an eye on him.

Hmm. You mean like
in The Godfather.

Keep your friends close
and your enemies closer?

Yes.
And if he messes up,

(IMITATING DON CORLEONE)
he'll sleep with the fishes.

He'll sleep
with the hamster.

Thank you.

Come on, Buddy.

What's the matter, baby?

Buddy won't
play with me.

Um, come here.

I need to
talk to you.

Remember in
the movie
The Lion King

when Simba's dad
passed away?

Well, Buddy
here is like
Simba's dad.

He, uh...

He's gone to
that big wheel
in the sky.

So you mean
he's dead?

Yes.

Yuck! You let me play
with a dead hamster?

What's wrong with you?

Well, it was cute.

That's not cute.
I'm cute.

Yes, you are.
Come here.

Daddy's gonna buy
you a new hamster.

And he's gonna let
you replace this one.

And then nobody's
gonna know
the difference.

I think this
happened before.

Why do you say that?

Because last week,
Buddy was a rabbit.

Daddy, how did
Buddy really die?

The truth?

Truth is
Claire did it.

I see him.
He's doing it
again, Jay.

He's looking
over in here.

I'll eat a box
of prunes

and give you
a real show, huh?

That crazy Michael Kyle
is watching me every time
I go to the bathroom.

He's a psycho!

JANIS: You're
the psycho, Larry.

Yeah, they're all crazy
over there, Janis.

Did you see their kid
dragging around
that dead rat?

Oh, I'm going to
sleep, Larry.

Look at him.
He's waving at me.

Close your window,
you whack job!