My Wife and Kids (2001–2005): Season 2, Episode 1 - Mom's Away: Part 1 - full transcript
(VOCALIZING)
♪ Rise and shine
Rise and shine
♪ If I have to say it again
♪ Gonna be a foot
in your behind
♪ Rise and shine
♪ Come on, Junior,
rise and... ♪
Hey.
(SNIFFS) Oh!
(EXCLAIMS)
All right. Calisthenics.
Two minutes. Downstairs.
Let's go.
Calisthenics?
Mom never made us
do calisthenics.
Yeah, well, your mom
is out of town
for six weeks,
so I got time to
whip your little butts
into shape.
Come on. Let's go.
Come on.
All right, don't make me
dig these dirty drawers
out of here.
(EXCLAIMS)
I'm up.
All right, let's go.
Come on.
All right,
jumping jacks on three,
(Y.M.C.A. PLAYING)
two, one.
♪ Young man
Throw your hands in the air
♪ I said, young man
Who said life would be fair?
♪ I say, young man
♪ Come look at me
I lost hair
♪ But you don't see
me complaining
♪ Where's Claire?
She's not coming down yet
♪ I said, there's Claire
We got a straggler...
(TURNS OFF MUSIC)
Hey.
This is stupid.
Claire?
Yeah?
What's different
about you?
What are you talking about?
I just pulled my hair back.
That's all.
Well, whatever it is,
you look like
a whole new person.
Go on.
Step in line.
Let's go.
Why do we have
to do this?
Because your mom is
away with Grandma
until her leg heals,
and while she's away,
we're gonna do things
by my rules.
Because it takes a village.
And right now,
this is my village,
and you're my village people.
(TURNS ON MUSIC)
Go on.
♪ ...M.C.A.
Come on.
♪ Y.M.C.A.
♪ You don't have to look mad
But you all look sad
♪ But if you don't
I'm going to be a hero
♪ You don't go...
Come on. Come on.
Get your hands up.
Come on.
Kick it. Shake it.
♪ YMCA... ♪
Daddy, my ponytail
won't stay up.
Oh, let me fix
that for you.
Let's see.
Exactly what I'm gonna do.
Perfect.
This looks stupid.
Mommy wouldn't
do it like that.
Well, baby,
Mommy's not here,
so we're gonna
have to make do.
I already did that.
I know. You probably
really miss
your mommy, huh?
More and more every day.
Well, is there anything
I can do to help out
and make things better?
Take this stupid tape
off my head
and go get her.
Well, I can take
the stupid tape
off your head.
(MIMICS KADY)
But I can't go get her.
There.
Can you make those
peanut butter marshmallow
cookies that Mommy makes?
I can try.
Okay, but they
better be good.
That's pressure.
Hey, morning, Son.
Look at my clothes.
What's the matter?
You look great.
What did you do?
I put starch
in your clothes,
and I put enough to last
until your mother came home.
I look ridiculous.
No, you don't.
You look...sharp.
(SCOFFS)
So what are
you up to?
Yeah.
I'm trying out for
the basketball team today.
Really? Well, listen,
don't put too much pressure
on yourself about doing that
because, for one,
you're not that good.
And two,
you're not that good.
Very funny, Dad.
Now, all I'm saying, Son,
is art is your strength. Okay?
These kids that get
bussed in from the city,
basketball is their dream.
And in some cases,
it's their only option.
Well, I'm gonna
make the team
even if it kills me.
That's the right attitude.
And I'm gonna miss you.
Dad, Coach said
I set a great pick.
And nobody can take
a charge like me.
Well, if basketball
don't work out,
you'll make a great
crash test dummy.
(STAMMERS)
And... Whoa.
What is all of this?
Oh, isn't it cool?
And look here.
No, it is not cool.
Go wash that junk
off of you.
Why? It's just glitter.
No, it's just
subliminal advertising
to little horny boys.
What?
Yeah.
This right here,
that goes,
"Oh, look, right here.
"Now, right here
is where you
wanna be focused."
And the back says,
"Hey, I got a little
sparkly thing.
"But it don't shine
like my behind."
Everybody's doing it.
Everybody?
It's fashion.
This is something Mom
would definitely let me do.
Well, I must be
an old fuddy-duddy,
because I don't like it.
You won't let me
do anything.
I can't get anything pierced.
You won't let me get a tattoo.
I know, I don't
let you carry the gun.
I don't let you
shoot up heroin.
I'm just a bad dad.
You need to get
with the times.
Okay, look, if you
wanna wear that stuff,
go ahead. Fine.
What do you mean?
(MOCK CRYING)
I can't do nothing right
for you guys.
Is it okay if Charmaine
spends the night?
Again? That's
the third night
this week.
Gee, let's see.
Could it be 'cause
she's my best friend?
Okay, look, she can spend
the night if it's okay
with her parents,
who, by the way,
I have never met.
Who I better meet
the next time you ask
if she can spend the night.
Then it's okay with me.
Good.
Now, how do y'all
want these eggs?
Sunny side up
but just a little hard
in the middle.
Just a little hard in
the middle. And you?
Hmm. Western omelet.
Swiss cheese and sausage.
Swiss and...
We only have
turkey sausage.
That would do.
Okay, you'll do that.
Kady, what do you want?
I want Egg McMuffin.
Egg... A what?
Egg McMuffin.
Egg with muffin? Okay.
Got it all ready.
(SIGHS)
That's sunny side up.
Little hard in the middle.
Wait.
Gotta make it hard.
See, hard in the middle.
Junior wanted
a western omelet.
We didn't have
the turkey sausage,
but that's the way
to think about
your cholesterol.
There you go.
Egg McMuffin
without the muffin.
For the muffin.
Here you go.
It's a toy you can play with.
You won't choke on it.
Hey, anybody want
some cappuccino,
cafe latte?
Help yourselves right here.
And watch out for the steam,
it get hot.
I miss Mommy.
Baby, we all miss Mommy.
But I'm gonna try
and make this a pleasurable
experience for us all.
I'm even gonna try
and bake them cookies
today, okay?
Let me see that smile.
Where's that smile?
(IN SILLY VOICE)
Let me see the smile.
Where's the smile?
(CRYING)
That wasn't the smile.
(BEATBOXING)
Hey, yo.
Check me out.
(RAPPING)
♪ My name is John
Half-court ram
♪ Drop illegal long bombs
I'm a ball hog
♪ And I don't play nice
♪ I'll shake you and bake you
Put your ankles in ice ♪
Yeah.
BOY 1: Yeah, that was tight.
That was tight.
I like that...
That was tight.
MIKE: That was cool.
Hold up. Hold up.
♪ My name's Mike
And I got flows
♪ I'm known to set a pick
like a thumb in your nose
♪ If I ever graduate
I'll probably go to the pros
♪ But if I don't
I'll sign with Ludacris
♪ And throw them 'bows ♪
Man, that was great.
That was good.
Okay, okay.
What you got?
Hold up.
Let me think.
♪ My name is Jamaal
and I love to ball
♪ I've been playing basketball
ever since you could crawl
♪ Who else could drop step
and dunk it from the wall?
♪ Man, I could do it
Not 'cause I'm good
♪ Why?
♪ Just 'cause I'm tall ♪
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Yo, yo. Hold up.
Hold up. Yo.
♪ My name is Junior
but I'm a senior
♪ Well, I got
two more years
♪ I got my father ears
♪ Yo, yo, yo, yo
We got the fridge from Sears
♪ You know, yo... ♪
Yo, yo, yo, yo.
♪ I'm big Mike
and I'm his dad
♪ Y'all better put this
house back the way it had
♪ Otherwise, I'm gonna be
a real mad dad
♪ I'm gonna give you
all wedgies
♪ Throwing you out my pad ♪
What's up, Dad?
Me and the fellas,
we was just...
Whatever it was, stop it.
I made the team.
Really?
Yeah.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
I'm proud of you.
Shocked. Very shocked.
Very, very shocked,
but proud.
Why don't you introduce me
to your friends?
Oh, oh, that's Mike
right here.
How you doing?
That's Jimmy.
How you doing, Jimmy?
What's up, Mr. Kyle?
Right there behind you,
that's John.
What's up, John?
What's up?
What's cracking?
And that's Jamaal.
(LAUGHS) And that's Craig.
Craig, I wanna try one myself.
Hold up. Look at this.
Huh?
(LAUGHING)
This is called
the I-have-a-job shake.
All right,
you know what?
I have a sweater
just like this.
And a sweater just like that.
And I got underwear
just like this.
Yeah, well,
when we came in,
we were sweaty,
and the guys
wanted to borrow
some of your stuff.
You don't mind, do you?
It's just drawers, Mr. Kyle.
You want them back?
No. You know what,
keep them.
I want this house
cleaned up.
Clean it up.
All right, fellas,
let's get started.
I got piano lessons.
I'm going with Craig.
I got gymnastics.
Man, I got
the hand thing,
so I'm out.
Ballet's at 7:00.
Later.
(SIGHS)
Jay, I want these cookies
to be perfect for Kady.
Yeah, I had them
in the oven eight minutes.
350 degrees.
Okay, so when do I know
they're ready?
Okay, let me try that.
(SCREAMING IN PAIN)
No, no, no, no.
Yeah, of course
I used a potholder.
What, do you think
I'm an idiot?
Uh... So how's your mom?
Still in pain, huh?
No, I'm not smiling.
You can hear me smile?
Okay, I'm sorry.
I love you.
Okay, bye-bye.
(KISSES)
Hey, look who's here.
Hey, Daddy.
"Hey, Daddy."
Come here
and give me my kiss.
Where you guys going?
Hang out. I made cookies.
We gotta go study, Dad.
See, now, it'd be
irresponsible of me
to say no to that, huh?
Hey, Charmaine,
when am I gonna
meet your parents?
I wanna invite them over
for some of my famous
fried chicken.
Oh, they're vegetarians.
So were the chickens.
Get it? It's a joke.
It is?
Well, who makes
you laugh?
Carrot Top.
Go study.
Hey, you still
missing her, huh?
Uh-huh.
Yeah, well, I miss
your mother, too.
But I'm glad
I got you here.
Otherwise, I'd be
crying in my eyes.
Hey, you want a cookie?
Mommy's cookies
are better.
Yeah, well, I could see
how you would
come to that conclusion
without even tasting them.
You know, this isn't
the first time I had to
take over for your mother.
Really?
Yeah, you probably
wouldn't remember,
because you weren't born yet,
but she was having
a really hard time
with her pregnancy.
Michael, Michael,
I'm huge.
I think I'm bigger
than Oprah in '89.
I don't know
how much longer
I can take this.
I know.
If that baby gets any bigger,
it's gonna walk out.
(CHUCKLES)
And get a job.
So what did you do?
I did what any red-blooded
American would do.
I took over.
What do you mean?
I don't know what
women complain about.
Yeah, so what?
My boobs are
a little bigger.
It gives me something
to do in the shower.
What was that?
(SCREAMING)
Help me!
(SCREAMS)
Oh, God! Oh, God!
I hope that was
a heart attack,
'cause I can't take
more of this!
Junior... Oh, Lord.
This is it, I think
this is the big one.
Get in here, quick.
What's up, Dad?
I need you to go
get the truck.
I'm about to
have this baby.
But, Dad, I'm 10 years old.
I don't know how to drive.
Yeah, well,
if I can have a baby,
you can drive.
Now, go get the red truck.
And get my galoshes out.
My water just broke.
Hurry, dummy. Hurry!
Oh, boy, that kid.
I said, "Turn right.
No, no, turn left.
"Wait. Look out, dummy.
You gonna hit that man."
What happened?
Well, your brother
swerved right,
and he missed Stephen King
and hit Ben Vereen.
But eventually,
we got to the hospital.
Come on. This is funny stuff.
Give me a smile or something.
Okay, you know what?
You get ready for your bath,
and then I'll tell you
the rest of the story later.
I'm not taking a bath
until Mommy gets home.
Your butt's gonna be humming.
Why not?
You can't see me
take a bath.
You're a boy.
I like the way
you're thinking.
You keep saying that
till you're 30.
Okay?
Hummina, hummina.
(HUMMING)
Hey, you need
some help?
Yeah. Thanks.
Must feel real good
having all your new friends
come by your house, huh?
Yeah, it's cool.
They're gonna
come again tomorrow.
Wow.
And the next day.
They must really
like you, huh?
Yeah.
Oh, and I got a list
of stuff for you.
We're gonna need
some soy milk
'cause John is
lactose intolerant.
And Jamaal needs
turkey hot dogs.
He's a Muslim.
And I got a list
of PlayStation games
they want me to get.
Sounds like they're
taking advantage
of you, Son.
No, they're not.
Yes, they are.
And you're too blind
to even see it.
This is you. "Hey, fellas.
Take my skateboard
and some self-respect.
"What about my dignity?
Hey, anybody want a kidney?
I got two.
"As a matter of fact,
why don't you take
one of my testicles?
"You could use it
as a marble."
It's not that bad.
It is that bad.
Where's the quid pro quo?
I think Jamaal ate it.
He thought it was chicken.
Okay, Harvard is definitely
out of the question.
It means
reciprocation.
These kids are
not treating you
like a friend, Junior.
They're treating you
like you're some rich kid.
And you're not.
You're a poor kid
with a well-off dad.
You're wrong about this.
They like me
'cause I can ball.
Oh, I've seen you ball.
You play like Jordan.
Really?
Vernon Jordan.
You know, you got
a lot in common
with some of
the greatest players
who ever played the game.
Come on, Dad.
You know what, it's
a little-known fact
that Allen Iverson
used to run and get soy milk
for his team. You know?
And George Gervin,
they called him the Iceman
'cause he used to
run around and make sure
everybody's drinks was cold.
They used to say,
"Hey, get us
some more ice, man."
Magic Johnson still brings
donuts to the Lakers.
He said, (IMITATING)
"Man, I can't start my day
without Krispy Kremes."
It's blue.
Okay, what does that mean?
"If the stick is blue,
the results are positive."
Oh, well,
that's good news, right?
No, positive means pregnant.
Uh-oh.
Hey, ladies.
Daddy, don't you knock?
Only on doors
I don't own.
But I couldn't
contain myself.
Look at this.
Foxy dad.
Everyone's doing it, huh?
Oh, my God.
Hey, wait till you
see me in my thong.
We gotta...
We gotta go.
The fellas call them
a he-string.
Bye, Dad.
(STAMMERING) Whoa,
wait a minute.
When did you start
taking out trash?
I'm just trying
to help out
while Mom's away.
Aw, that's so sweet,
but I'll do that.
Here, give it to me.
Oh. Okay.
See you later.
Bye.
(IMITATING CLAIRE) Okay.
Be back at 8:00.
Mommy, I can't pretend
to like the cookies.
The cookies are yucky.
Oops. I gotta go.
You-know-who
just walked in. Bye.
Who was that
on the phone?
Santa.
And what does he got to say
in the middle of the summer?
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Oh, hey, baby.
Oh, no, no, she just
misses you. That's all.
No, everything is fine.
Yes, I'm positive.
Positive.
Hi, Daddy.
Hi, baby.
Get over here.
What's that?
It's a whole lot of trouble
in a little white stick.
So I guess I was wrong.
Charmaine hasn't been spending
all her nights over here.
Please don't tell
her parents.
I have to.
Of course, I won't tell
until she has the chance
to tell them first.
Dad, I really don't think
it's any of your business.
I can't sit back
and pretend I don't know.
I mean, how did Charmaine
get herself into
this mess, anyway?
She had sex.
Right.
The old-fashioned way.
Do me a favor, Dad.
Let me talk to her first
before you call her parents.
Okay, that's fair.
Thanks.
You're the best.
How did you know
it was Charmaine?
What do you mean?
The pregnancy test.
How did you know
it wasn't mine?
Because I know my daughter,
and I believe in her,
and I trust her.
Thanks, Dad.
Plus, you said you weren't
gonna have sex until you were
married to Will Smith.
That was before
the Wild Wild West.
MICHAEL: Next time on
My Wife and Kids...
I wanna finish telling you
the story about
the day you were born.
MICHAEL: Actually,
your birth was really quick
and really easy.
(SNEEZING)
Here's what I think
you should do.
What?
Talk to my father.
Claire, your father?
My dad's
a pretty cool guy.
Are you Shaquille O'Neal?
Nobody's ever
asked me that before.
♪ Rise and shine
Rise and shine
♪ If I have to say it again
♪ Gonna be a foot
in your behind
♪ Rise and shine
♪ Come on, Junior,
rise and... ♪
Hey.
(SNIFFS) Oh!
(EXCLAIMS)
All right. Calisthenics.
Two minutes. Downstairs.
Let's go.
Calisthenics?
Mom never made us
do calisthenics.
Yeah, well, your mom
is out of town
for six weeks,
so I got time to
whip your little butts
into shape.
Come on. Let's go.
Come on.
All right, don't make me
dig these dirty drawers
out of here.
(EXCLAIMS)
I'm up.
All right, let's go.
Come on.
All right,
jumping jacks on three,
(Y.M.C.A. PLAYING)
two, one.
♪ Young man
Throw your hands in the air
♪ I said, young man
Who said life would be fair?
♪ I say, young man
♪ Come look at me
I lost hair
♪ But you don't see
me complaining
♪ Where's Claire?
She's not coming down yet
♪ I said, there's Claire
We got a straggler...
(TURNS OFF MUSIC)
Hey.
This is stupid.
Claire?
Yeah?
What's different
about you?
What are you talking about?
I just pulled my hair back.
That's all.
Well, whatever it is,
you look like
a whole new person.
Go on.
Step in line.
Let's go.
Why do we have
to do this?
Because your mom is
away with Grandma
until her leg heals,
and while she's away,
we're gonna do things
by my rules.
Because it takes a village.
And right now,
this is my village,
and you're my village people.
(TURNS ON MUSIC)
Go on.
♪ ...M.C.A.
Come on.
♪ Y.M.C.A.
♪ You don't have to look mad
But you all look sad
♪ But if you don't
I'm going to be a hero
♪ You don't go...
Come on. Come on.
Get your hands up.
Come on.
Kick it. Shake it.
♪ YMCA... ♪
Daddy, my ponytail
won't stay up.
Oh, let me fix
that for you.
Let's see.
Exactly what I'm gonna do.
Perfect.
This looks stupid.
Mommy wouldn't
do it like that.
Well, baby,
Mommy's not here,
so we're gonna
have to make do.
I already did that.
I know. You probably
really miss
your mommy, huh?
More and more every day.
Well, is there anything
I can do to help out
and make things better?
Take this stupid tape
off my head
and go get her.
Well, I can take
the stupid tape
off your head.
(MIMICS KADY)
But I can't go get her.
There.
Can you make those
peanut butter marshmallow
cookies that Mommy makes?
I can try.
Okay, but they
better be good.
That's pressure.
Hey, morning, Son.
Look at my clothes.
What's the matter?
You look great.
What did you do?
I put starch
in your clothes,
and I put enough to last
until your mother came home.
I look ridiculous.
No, you don't.
You look...sharp.
(SCOFFS)
So what are
you up to?
Yeah.
I'm trying out for
the basketball team today.
Really? Well, listen,
don't put too much pressure
on yourself about doing that
because, for one,
you're not that good.
And two,
you're not that good.
Very funny, Dad.
Now, all I'm saying, Son,
is art is your strength. Okay?
These kids that get
bussed in from the city,
basketball is their dream.
And in some cases,
it's their only option.
Well, I'm gonna
make the team
even if it kills me.
That's the right attitude.
And I'm gonna miss you.
Dad, Coach said
I set a great pick.
And nobody can take
a charge like me.
Well, if basketball
don't work out,
you'll make a great
crash test dummy.
(STAMMERS)
And... Whoa.
What is all of this?
Oh, isn't it cool?
And look here.
No, it is not cool.
Go wash that junk
off of you.
Why? It's just glitter.
No, it's just
subliminal advertising
to little horny boys.
What?
Yeah.
This right here,
that goes,
"Oh, look, right here.
"Now, right here
is where you
wanna be focused."
And the back says,
"Hey, I got a little
sparkly thing.
"But it don't shine
like my behind."
Everybody's doing it.
Everybody?
It's fashion.
This is something Mom
would definitely let me do.
Well, I must be
an old fuddy-duddy,
because I don't like it.
You won't let me
do anything.
I can't get anything pierced.
You won't let me get a tattoo.
I know, I don't
let you carry the gun.
I don't let you
shoot up heroin.
I'm just a bad dad.
You need to get
with the times.
Okay, look, if you
wanna wear that stuff,
go ahead. Fine.
What do you mean?
(MOCK CRYING)
I can't do nothing right
for you guys.
Is it okay if Charmaine
spends the night?
Again? That's
the third night
this week.
Gee, let's see.
Could it be 'cause
she's my best friend?
Okay, look, she can spend
the night if it's okay
with her parents,
who, by the way,
I have never met.
Who I better meet
the next time you ask
if she can spend the night.
Then it's okay with me.
Good.
Now, how do y'all
want these eggs?
Sunny side up
but just a little hard
in the middle.
Just a little hard in
the middle. And you?
Hmm. Western omelet.
Swiss cheese and sausage.
Swiss and...
We only have
turkey sausage.
That would do.
Okay, you'll do that.
Kady, what do you want?
I want Egg McMuffin.
Egg... A what?
Egg McMuffin.
Egg with muffin? Okay.
Got it all ready.
(SIGHS)
That's sunny side up.
Little hard in the middle.
Wait.
Gotta make it hard.
See, hard in the middle.
Junior wanted
a western omelet.
We didn't have
the turkey sausage,
but that's the way
to think about
your cholesterol.
There you go.
Egg McMuffin
without the muffin.
For the muffin.
Here you go.
It's a toy you can play with.
You won't choke on it.
Hey, anybody want
some cappuccino,
cafe latte?
Help yourselves right here.
And watch out for the steam,
it get hot.
I miss Mommy.
Baby, we all miss Mommy.
But I'm gonna try
and make this a pleasurable
experience for us all.
I'm even gonna try
and bake them cookies
today, okay?
Let me see that smile.
Where's that smile?
(IN SILLY VOICE)
Let me see the smile.
Where's the smile?
(CRYING)
That wasn't the smile.
(BEATBOXING)
Hey, yo.
Check me out.
(RAPPING)
♪ My name is John
Half-court ram
♪ Drop illegal long bombs
I'm a ball hog
♪ And I don't play nice
♪ I'll shake you and bake you
Put your ankles in ice ♪
Yeah.
BOY 1: Yeah, that was tight.
That was tight.
I like that...
That was tight.
MIKE: That was cool.
Hold up. Hold up.
♪ My name's Mike
And I got flows
♪ I'm known to set a pick
like a thumb in your nose
♪ If I ever graduate
I'll probably go to the pros
♪ But if I don't
I'll sign with Ludacris
♪ And throw them 'bows ♪
Man, that was great.
That was good.
Okay, okay.
What you got?
Hold up.
Let me think.
♪ My name is Jamaal
and I love to ball
♪ I've been playing basketball
ever since you could crawl
♪ Who else could drop step
and dunk it from the wall?
♪ Man, I could do it
Not 'cause I'm good
♪ Why?
♪ Just 'cause I'm tall ♪
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Yo, yo. Hold up.
Hold up. Yo.
♪ My name is Junior
but I'm a senior
♪ Well, I got
two more years
♪ I got my father ears
♪ Yo, yo, yo, yo
We got the fridge from Sears
♪ You know, yo... ♪
Yo, yo, yo, yo.
♪ I'm big Mike
and I'm his dad
♪ Y'all better put this
house back the way it had
♪ Otherwise, I'm gonna be
a real mad dad
♪ I'm gonna give you
all wedgies
♪ Throwing you out my pad ♪
What's up, Dad?
Me and the fellas,
we was just...
Whatever it was, stop it.
I made the team.
Really?
Yeah.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
I'm proud of you.
Shocked. Very shocked.
Very, very shocked,
but proud.
Why don't you introduce me
to your friends?
Oh, oh, that's Mike
right here.
How you doing?
That's Jimmy.
How you doing, Jimmy?
What's up, Mr. Kyle?
Right there behind you,
that's John.
What's up, John?
What's up?
What's cracking?
And that's Jamaal.
(LAUGHS) And that's Craig.
Craig, I wanna try one myself.
Hold up. Look at this.
Huh?
(LAUGHING)
This is called
the I-have-a-job shake.
All right,
you know what?
I have a sweater
just like this.
And a sweater just like that.
And I got underwear
just like this.
Yeah, well,
when we came in,
we were sweaty,
and the guys
wanted to borrow
some of your stuff.
You don't mind, do you?
It's just drawers, Mr. Kyle.
You want them back?
No. You know what,
keep them.
I want this house
cleaned up.
Clean it up.
All right, fellas,
let's get started.
I got piano lessons.
I'm going with Craig.
I got gymnastics.
Man, I got
the hand thing,
so I'm out.
Ballet's at 7:00.
Later.
(SIGHS)
Jay, I want these cookies
to be perfect for Kady.
Yeah, I had them
in the oven eight minutes.
350 degrees.
Okay, so when do I know
they're ready?
Okay, let me try that.
(SCREAMING IN PAIN)
No, no, no, no.
Yeah, of course
I used a potholder.
What, do you think
I'm an idiot?
Uh... So how's your mom?
Still in pain, huh?
No, I'm not smiling.
You can hear me smile?
Okay, I'm sorry.
I love you.
Okay, bye-bye.
(KISSES)
Hey, look who's here.
Hey, Daddy.
"Hey, Daddy."
Come here
and give me my kiss.
Where you guys going?
Hang out. I made cookies.
We gotta go study, Dad.
See, now, it'd be
irresponsible of me
to say no to that, huh?
Hey, Charmaine,
when am I gonna
meet your parents?
I wanna invite them over
for some of my famous
fried chicken.
Oh, they're vegetarians.
So were the chickens.
Get it? It's a joke.
It is?
Well, who makes
you laugh?
Carrot Top.
Go study.
Hey, you still
missing her, huh?
Uh-huh.
Yeah, well, I miss
your mother, too.
But I'm glad
I got you here.
Otherwise, I'd be
crying in my eyes.
Hey, you want a cookie?
Mommy's cookies
are better.
Yeah, well, I could see
how you would
come to that conclusion
without even tasting them.
You know, this isn't
the first time I had to
take over for your mother.
Really?
Yeah, you probably
wouldn't remember,
because you weren't born yet,
but she was having
a really hard time
with her pregnancy.
Michael, Michael,
I'm huge.
I think I'm bigger
than Oprah in '89.
I don't know
how much longer
I can take this.
I know.
If that baby gets any bigger,
it's gonna walk out.
(CHUCKLES)
And get a job.
So what did you do?
I did what any red-blooded
American would do.
I took over.
What do you mean?
I don't know what
women complain about.
Yeah, so what?
My boobs are
a little bigger.
It gives me something
to do in the shower.
What was that?
(SCREAMING)
Help me!
(SCREAMS)
Oh, God! Oh, God!
I hope that was
a heart attack,
'cause I can't take
more of this!
Junior... Oh, Lord.
This is it, I think
this is the big one.
Get in here, quick.
What's up, Dad?
I need you to go
get the truck.
I'm about to
have this baby.
But, Dad, I'm 10 years old.
I don't know how to drive.
Yeah, well,
if I can have a baby,
you can drive.
Now, go get the red truck.
And get my galoshes out.
My water just broke.
Hurry, dummy. Hurry!
Oh, boy, that kid.
I said, "Turn right.
No, no, turn left.
"Wait. Look out, dummy.
You gonna hit that man."
What happened?
Well, your brother
swerved right,
and he missed Stephen King
and hit Ben Vereen.
But eventually,
we got to the hospital.
Come on. This is funny stuff.
Give me a smile or something.
Okay, you know what?
You get ready for your bath,
and then I'll tell you
the rest of the story later.
I'm not taking a bath
until Mommy gets home.
Your butt's gonna be humming.
Why not?
You can't see me
take a bath.
You're a boy.
I like the way
you're thinking.
You keep saying that
till you're 30.
Okay?
Hummina, hummina.
(HUMMING)
Hey, you need
some help?
Yeah. Thanks.
Must feel real good
having all your new friends
come by your house, huh?
Yeah, it's cool.
They're gonna
come again tomorrow.
Wow.
And the next day.
They must really
like you, huh?
Yeah.
Oh, and I got a list
of stuff for you.
We're gonna need
some soy milk
'cause John is
lactose intolerant.
And Jamaal needs
turkey hot dogs.
He's a Muslim.
And I got a list
of PlayStation games
they want me to get.
Sounds like they're
taking advantage
of you, Son.
No, they're not.
Yes, they are.
And you're too blind
to even see it.
This is you. "Hey, fellas.
Take my skateboard
and some self-respect.
"What about my dignity?
Hey, anybody want a kidney?
I got two.
"As a matter of fact,
why don't you take
one of my testicles?
"You could use it
as a marble."
It's not that bad.
It is that bad.
Where's the quid pro quo?
I think Jamaal ate it.
He thought it was chicken.
Okay, Harvard is definitely
out of the question.
It means
reciprocation.
These kids are
not treating you
like a friend, Junior.
They're treating you
like you're some rich kid.
And you're not.
You're a poor kid
with a well-off dad.
You're wrong about this.
They like me
'cause I can ball.
Oh, I've seen you ball.
You play like Jordan.
Really?
Vernon Jordan.
You know, you got
a lot in common
with some of
the greatest players
who ever played the game.
Come on, Dad.
You know what, it's
a little-known fact
that Allen Iverson
used to run and get soy milk
for his team. You know?
And George Gervin,
they called him the Iceman
'cause he used to
run around and make sure
everybody's drinks was cold.
They used to say,
"Hey, get us
some more ice, man."
Magic Johnson still brings
donuts to the Lakers.
He said, (IMITATING)
"Man, I can't start my day
without Krispy Kremes."
It's blue.
Okay, what does that mean?
"If the stick is blue,
the results are positive."
Oh, well,
that's good news, right?
No, positive means pregnant.
Uh-oh.
Hey, ladies.
Daddy, don't you knock?
Only on doors
I don't own.
But I couldn't
contain myself.
Look at this.
Foxy dad.
Everyone's doing it, huh?
Oh, my God.
Hey, wait till you
see me in my thong.
We gotta...
We gotta go.
The fellas call them
a he-string.
Bye, Dad.
(STAMMERING) Whoa,
wait a minute.
When did you start
taking out trash?
I'm just trying
to help out
while Mom's away.
Aw, that's so sweet,
but I'll do that.
Here, give it to me.
Oh. Okay.
See you later.
Bye.
(IMITATING CLAIRE) Okay.
Be back at 8:00.
Mommy, I can't pretend
to like the cookies.
The cookies are yucky.
Oops. I gotta go.
You-know-who
just walked in. Bye.
Who was that
on the phone?
Santa.
And what does he got to say
in the middle of the summer?
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Oh, hey, baby.
Oh, no, no, she just
misses you. That's all.
No, everything is fine.
Yes, I'm positive.
Positive.
Hi, Daddy.
Hi, baby.
Get over here.
What's that?
It's a whole lot of trouble
in a little white stick.
So I guess I was wrong.
Charmaine hasn't been spending
all her nights over here.
Please don't tell
her parents.
I have to.
Of course, I won't tell
until she has the chance
to tell them first.
Dad, I really don't think
it's any of your business.
I can't sit back
and pretend I don't know.
I mean, how did Charmaine
get herself into
this mess, anyway?
She had sex.
Right.
The old-fashioned way.
Do me a favor, Dad.
Let me talk to her first
before you call her parents.
Okay, that's fair.
Thanks.
You're the best.
How did you know
it was Charmaine?
What do you mean?
The pregnancy test.
How did you know
it wasn't mine?
Because I know my daughter,
and I believe in her,
and I trust her.
Thanks, Dad.
Plus, you said you weren't
gonna have sex until you were
married to Will Smith.
That was before
the Wild Wild West.
MICHAEL: Next time on
My Wife and Kids...
I wanna finish telling you
the story about
the day you were born.
MICHAEL: Actually,
your birth was really quick
and really easy.
(SNEEZING)
Here's what I think
you should do.
What?
Talk to my father.
Claire, your father?
My dad's
a pretty cool guy.
Are you Shaquille O'Neal?
Nobody's ever
asked me that before.