My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 4, Episode 13 - Orphan Earl - full transcript

[Earl Narrating]
Tradition at the Crab Shack was...

if you passed out the week before Christmas,
you got decorated.

I wanted tojoin in, but there were certain times
when I needed to be lookin'after Randy-

- like when he was readin'the comics.
- [Laughing]

Oh, God. That's terrible.

- [Laughing]
- ## [Jukebox: Country Christmas]

That's not funny at all.

Randy, remember,
comics are only on the left.

If you keep readin', you'll run
onto the side with the obituaries.

- So what do we do?
- Fold the paper.

Thanks, Earl.



[Crowd]
Three, two, one!

- [Electricity Crackles]
- [Cheering, Laughing]

People, what have I told you?
If you're going to decorate the drunks...

please have a fire extinguisher
standing by.

My name is Earl.

Uh, excuse me.
My wife and I were just driving home...

from building Nerf playgrounds
for autistic children, and, uh, we ran out of gas.

She would've come with me,
but she's shy...

because we had to sell her hair
for baby formula.

If you'd loan me a 20,
I'll, uh, mail it back to you.

Goodness me.
That is such a sad story.

And there were so many details,
it has to be true.

Would you mind sharing it
with my friends inside?

I'm sure they'd love to help.



[All Laughing]

And then he said he had a bald wife
who sold her hair for-

What was it she sold it for?

Baby formula.

[Laughing]

[Laughing]
What an idiot.

The baby formula is "man plus woman."

Everybody knows that.

[Earl Narrating] That hustler comin'in here
reminded me of number 201 on my list-

conned an old man
out of a hundred bucks.

A couple weeks before I discovered karma,
me and Joy were watching TV.

[Male Announcer]
There are one million orphans in Africa.

These children do not ask,
"What shall I eat for dinner?"

They ask, "Will I ever eat again?"

Change the channel.
I can't eat while I'm lookin' at that kid.

I'll try, but my hands are saucy.

For pennies a day, you can make sure
little Kwame has rice and broth to eat...

instead of bowl after bowl of mud.

Those kids really pull
at your heartstrings.

- Makes you think, doesn't it?
- [Sucks Teeth] Yep.

We can make a fortune
off those scrawny little tearjerkers.

- [Laughing]
- You got rib meat in your teeth.

Well, get it.

Man, that's really in there.

Is this true?
Nine out of 10 African children die every minute?

Africa's hard on kids...

what with the hot sun
and giant leeches...

and no... speed limits.

- Suppose you want some cash.
- Oh, no, no, no.

[Earl Narrating]
The first rule of scammin'money out of people...

is to look like
you aren't lookin'for money.

We're not askin' for money.

But if you have trouble
sleepin' tonight...

you can just send a check
to the address on the back.

The second rule of scammin'
was not to tell Randy it was a scam.

'Cause there's no better salesman than
someone who believes he's tellin'the truth.

All they're eatin' is air.

And the orphans' bellies
are really big...

but it turns out
they're totally empty.

And all they're askin' for
is a cup of coffee a day.

Oh, my God!
Nine more just died.

Open your eyes, people.
Take a pamphlet.

[Earl Narrating]
We handed out a hundred pamphlets...

and even went down
and got a "po"box...

so the address
would look more official.

Most people saw through our scam,
but we did get one bite.

Ka-ching! It worked!

Some guy in Nathanville sent us
a hundred-dollar check for the orphans.

- Sweet.
- Why are you gettin' the money
for the African orphans?

Randy, maybe it's time to tell you.

This was a scam.

It was?

You always get me.

[Laughing]
Oh, man. I cried so much.

I didn't even tell you about
the nightmares I've been havin'.

Whew. Wow.
What a relief.

So there's no starvin' children
in Africa then?

No.

[Earl Narrating] And so me and Randy
went to find the guy...

who'd sent us that check
all those years ago.

Did you know Aunt Ramona
wrote a book about barbecue sauces?

Mom says it bought her a condo.

I think I'm gonna write a book about
barbecue sauces. Maybe other sauces too.

Randy, you don't know
anything about sauce.

People write books
about things they know.

Think about how much meat
Aunt Ramona eats.

Maybe I could write a book
about how things taste-

- you know, nonfood things.
- [Doorbell Rings]

I have a curious tongue.

- That could be the name of the book.
- [Door Opens]

- Mr. Hill?
- Yes?

I don't know if you remember,
but three years ago...

you sent me a hundred dollars
to help save an orphan kid in Africa.

Of course. Mbungo.

[Chuckling]
That little fella. Why, he's changed my life.

'Scuse me?

- ## ["Here Comes Santa Claus"]
- Here are some drawings Mbungo made me.

All his letters...

and his report cards
from the village school.

Teacher comments:

"Plays well with zebras.
Expert stick-thrower."

You can tell he's special.

- So you been sendin' checks this whole time?
- A hundred dollars a month.

But it's worth it.
Take a look at this kid.

Knowin'that I make a difference
in Mbungo's life...

it makes me feel-

- Joy.
- Exactly.

- Joy.
- [Randy] Ow!

Oh!

Cactus: painful, but worth it.

Come on, Darnell.
Let me lick your head.

It'll be in my new book-
right after "all ofJoy and Darnell's spoons."

I guess,
if it's for research purposes.

You been scammin' that poor man
for three years?

I can't believe you're not
ashamed of yourself.

If I had only fooled him once,
it'd be shame on me.

But I have fooled him a bunch of times,
so, duh, it's shame on him.

It's cruel, Joy.

You didn't just con him out of
thousands of dollars. He loves that kid.

How's he gonna feel if he finds out
Mbungo doesn't even exist?

Well, you better not
tell him the truth...

'cause you'll ruin Christmas
for a lot of people in this trailer park.

What?

[Earl Narrating] Turns outJoy was so proud
ofkeeping the African orphan scheme going...

she couldn't resist bragging
to her friends in the trailer park.

Her friend Sylvia used some barbecue ashes
to fake a disaster photo.

[Sobbing]

Then she sent Mr. Hill
a letter asking for donations...

for families who lost
their homes in wildfires.

Tammy went the other way.

She sent Mr. Hill a letter
asking for donations...

for families displaced by floods.

And pretty soon, he was
sending monthly checks to everybody.

- This is wrong, Joy, and you know it.
- Says you.

Sure I took from one person,
but I gave the idea to two other people...

which means I have given
twice as much as I have taken.

So suck on that.

Hair: tastes like marijuana.

Joy's not gonna
budge on this, Randy.

I don't want to, but maybe
I should just write Mr. Hill a check...

for all the moneyJoy and her friends
conned him out of.

[Groans]
Snoopy tastes horrible.

I think writing a check is the only way
I can cross Mr. Hill off my list.

Oh, God. That's terrible.

Randy, just fold the paper over, okay?

Well, I hope you're happy.

Oh, my God! Mr. Hill had a stroke and died?
This is horrible.

I just took a close-up picture of EarlJunior
with flies in the corner of his eyes.

Do you know how hard it is to get a kid
and a fly to hold still for a picture?

Read the rest of the obituary.

"Mr. Hill is leaving everything
to his three favorite charities:

"Pimmit Hills African Relief,
Pimmit Hills Wildfire Victims...

and Pimmit Hills Flood Helpers
Give Us Money Fund."

Darnell! Mbungo's sugar daddy
just took a dirt nap, and we're rich!

Not if I have anything to say about it.

I'm gonna cross
Mr. Hill off my list...

by making sure you and your friends
never get that money.

That's my money, Earl Hickey. Don't you
mess with me. You know what I'm capable of.

You know why you only got nine toes.

[Earl Narrating] So me and Randy
headed over to Mr. Hill's house.

This'll be just like old times-
breaking into a house.

You think we can steal
a few things too?

I brought a grocery list
of stuff we're out of.

Deodorant, Fig Newtons, underwear.

Randy, we're not taking anything.

We just have to find something
with Mr. Hill's lawyer's name on it...

so we can tell the lawyer
those charities are fake.

I knew it. That bastard's trying
to screw up our inheritance.

Oh, my God. This is it.

It's his will.

"Charities shall receive monies
in the amount of $280,000."

[Gasps]

The lawyer's name and address
are right here.

They found the will.
That old coot was holding on to $280,000.

Bling! I'm gonna buy a fur coat
with the little head still on it...

so people will stare and I'll be all,
"Yeah, this bitch is real."

Yeah! Get down.
They're comin' out.

We gotta get that will away from 'em.
We'll just keep following 'em real quiet.

- [Engine Starts]
- ## [Stereo: Loud Rock]

It's Joy. She must've figured out
we have the will. We gotta split up.

You take the will and start walking
to the lawyer's office.

Joy will be sure I kept it,
and she'll follow me.

- [Mouthing Words]
- What are you doin'?

I'm pretendin' I'm mad at you,
and that's why I'm gettin' out of the car.

What do you mean you hate our troops?

They're protecting our freedom!

- I'm gettin' outta your car!
- [Door Slams]

- [Gasps]
- Hand me the will, dummy.

Uh, maybe you should
give me the will.

- I don't have the will.
- Well, I do.

Not. Not. Not.
Not. Not.

Not. Not. Not. Not.

Hello. We're here to pick up our checks
from the dead guy.

You are Mr. Fischer, the lawyer,
aren't you?

Yes, I'm Mr. Fischer,
and I believe you know Mr. Hickey.

- Son of a bitch.
- Hello, Joy.

I knew you'd follow Randy.

That gave mejust enough time to get here
and tell Mr. Fischer everything.

Thank you, Mr. Hickey.

You can cross Mr. Hill
off your list.

See ya around, Joy.

You had to stop for tacos.

Uh, counteroffer?

'Scuse me?

I could... do a little paperwork magic
and make your charities legal.

Then you could collect the cash.

And what's your kickback?

Oh, I don't need any money.

It's just that...
I'm a very lonely man.

My wife's dead- to me.

She lives in Oregon now
with the kids.

I'm not supposed to know that,
but the cops have slipped up.

I see where you're goin'with this.

You'll help us out with the documents
as long as you get to have sex with Sylvia here.

Shut up, Sylvia. That's a lot of money,
and you are not married.

Well, actually, what I had in mind
was something in a blonde.

- Oh, I don't have-
- Come on, Joy. That's a lot of money.

Zip it!

Blonde's not on the menu.

How about we give you
Sylvia and $6,000?

- Or Tammy and 3,500.
- Can you go to five on Tammy?

- I don't know if I'm down with sleepin' with-
- Deal.

[Scoffs]
For cryin'out loud.

[Table Shaking]

[Earl Narrating] While Tammy and Mr. Fischer
were getting busy under his desk...

Joy and Sylvia were busy
getting the $5,000 in bribe money...

from a local loan shark.

- Five grand.
- Thank you very much.

Here's a check for you.

And one for you.
And one for you.

Pleasure doin' business with you.

[Chortling]
Ah! Yeah!

[Phone Beeping]

- [Line Clicks]
- It worked.

- You got all the money?
- Every penny.

- What are you gonna do now?
- I'm gonna take it back where it belongs.

[Earl Narrating]
Which was to Mr. Hill, who wasn't really dead.

You see, I'djust pulled a huge scam.

First, I got Mr. Hill
out of town for a few days...

by arranging for him to win a vacation
to the national rodeo championships.

Yahoo!

And the old scam rules still applied.

I knew the best way to convinceJoy it was real
was to make Randy think it was real.

Oh, God. That's terrible.

I also knew hearin'about all that money
would makeJoy greedy.

Darnell! Mbungo's sugar daddy
just took a dirt nap, and we're rich!

I knewJoy wouldn't
let me out ofher sight...

but before we broke into the house,
I had to make sure she'd follow me there.

Then I just had to pretend to find
the will I'd planted in Mr. Hill's house.

Oh, my God.
This is it. It's his will.

I needed to makeJoy think
she was a step ahead of me...

so I gave the fake will to Randy...

knowing she'd get it away from him.

But to actually get these marks
to hand over the money...

I needed someone
to gain their confidence-

somebody willing to scam people...

who also had a grudge againstJoy.

And of course, my first rule
of getting money out of people still applied-

look like you're not
lookin'for money.

Well, actually, what I had in mind
was something in a blonde.

And after I knew we had the money...

there was only one thing
left to take care of.

I'm gonna take it back
where it belongs.

Mr. Hill gets back from
the rodeo championships next week.

I think he's gonna be very happy.

I'm sorry, Earl,
but I letJoy get the will.

That was my plan, Randy.
This whole thing was a scam.

[Laughing]
Oh, man, Earl!

You got me again.

Wow. This was a long one though.

All that runnin' around, karma.

I believed in that crazy list
for three years.

[Laughing]
Bravo, Earl. Bravo.

[Earl Narrating] And when Mr. Hill
got back from his vacation...

I was there waitin'
to tell him the whole story-

from my original scam all the way up
to gettin'his money back from Joy.

This money covers every nickel
Joy and her friends conned you out of...

plus another hundred
for breaking your front door lock.

And I think Randy took
some of your underwear.

I can't believe it.

There were no hurricanes, no fires?

No Mbungos?

I'm such an idiot.

But-Wait.

The important thing is
you got your money back now.

Well, how's that supposed
to make me feel better?

I'm still the moron who thought
he bought an entire African village...

athlete's foot vaccinations.

You know what you need?

Let's go laugh in their faces.
It'll feel great.

I took Mr. Hill to the trailer park...

so we could laugh at the people
we'd gotten revenge on.

I had hoped that the opportunity
to do a victory dance...

in front of the lowlives who had been
rippin'him off would cheer him right up.

[Water Running]

But when we got there,
things had changed.

What was once
a middle-to-low-end trailer park...

now looked like
a third world country.

[Flies Buzzing]

Joy, what happened to all of you?

You happened, you jackass.

Turns out that raisin'the money
to pay back the loan shark...

had hitJoy and her friends
harder than I expected.

Since the lawyer's checks bounced...

Tammy had no way
to pay the loan shark.

I'm sorry he took
your plumbing truck, baby.

We'll be okay.
What's the worst that could happen?

- [Explosion]
- Answer? A busted water heater.

We probably should've kept
a couple of wrenches.

Sylvia gave the loan shark
her furnace...

and had to find other ways
to keep warm.

Hey, that's better.
Move over.

And Joy had to hand over
all her appliances.

What do you want me to say, Darnell?
It looked like a sound investment.

Besides, joke's gonna be on him when
he finds out that crisper don't work for squat.

OnceJoy and Darnell
lost their refrigerator...

Christmas came early for all
the neighborhood flies-all 10,000 of'em.

Without money for an exterminator...

the Turners had no choice
but to move outside.

So, did you come here to gloat? Or is it
just natural that, after flies, maggots show up?

Excuse me.
How much would it cost...

to hire an exterminator to-
to get rid of all these flies?

- I don't know. Couple hundred bucks?
- [Check Tears]

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doin'?

Excuse me, miss.

Could you use a donation
to help with your flood damage?

Is this some kinda scam?
'Cause if it is...

it's someone else's turn
to have sex with the gross guy.

Don't give me that look, Don.
We already talked about this.

Okay, stop.

I put a lot of effort into gettin' this money
out of these people.

How can you just give it back?

Come on. Laugh at 'em.
They're fools.

Earl, I don't have that much
goin' on in my life.

I mean, I'm a rodeo fan...

and I do like to whittle,
but not that much.

But when I gave to those charities-

even though they weren't real-

I thought I was helpin' people.

And that made me feel good.

Looks to me like these people
really have been through...

some floods and fires and such.

This is a chance for me
to help people for real.

I really think
you're missin' the point.

These are the exact people
who've been rippin' you off.

I know.

[Gasps, Crying]

- [Bell Ringing]
- [Earl Narrating]
I was amazed by Mr. Hill's generosity.

And it definitely had an effect
on the people he helped.

When you've been a jerk and someone's
still nice to you, it's a powerful thing.

# Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeer#

- # Pullin'on the reins #
- Ho, ho, ho.

# Bells are ringin', children singin'#

# All is merry and bright #

Seein'what Mr. Hill had done
really put me in the Christmas spirit.

Wakey, wakey,
Christmas snowflakies.

# Here comes Santa Claus
right down Santa Claus Lane #

# He's got a bag
that's filled with toys #

- # For boys and girls again #
- Thanks, Earl.

# Hear those sleigh bells
jinglejangle #

# Oh, what a beautiful sight #

# Sojump in bed
and cover your head #

# 'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight #

[Knocking]

And to my surprise, he ended up teaching me
something pretty important too.

Merry Christmas, Joy.

Oh, my God.
You got our old refrigerator back.

We don't have to keep the kids' antibiotics
up against the air conditioner anymore.

He taught me that being generous
to someone who's done you wrong...

can be the best kind
of charity there is.

Oh. It's empty.

That's okay. It's still nice.
Come on in.

# Hear those sleigh bells
jinglejangle #

# Oh, what a beautiful sight #

# Sojump in bed
and cover your head #

# 'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight ##