My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 3, Episode 9 - Randy in Charge: Of Our Days and Our Nights - full transcript
Earl is supposed to set up a "scared straight" lecture for school kids, until he gets in a fight with Randy over who's taking care of whom. Meanwhile, Joy tries to induce labor.
My name is Earl.
Earl, you just crossed offJune
and July of next year.
Are those months
not happening anymore?
l don't mind. lt's just that l need
to move some stuff around.
l'm just flguring out how much time
the warden's takin' off my sentence.
[ Earl Narrating ]
For a few months now...
every time / solved a problem
for the warden...
he gave me a certif/cate worth
a week or two off my time in prison.
/ helped the leaders of two violent gangs
learn to get along... really well.
/ captured an escaped prisoner,
with a little help from Randy...
- and a high-ranking K-9 off/cer.
- [ Growling ]
/ even cleaned all the hair out
from the prison showers.
Pretty soon /'d gotten all
but six months taken off my sentence.
And lucky for me, the warden
was one of those people...
who never seem
to run out of problems.
Earl! Thank God you're here.
l'm totally screwed.
- You could just open the safe again.
- What?
Oh, not this. l do this all the time. No.
l was at this press conference...
and this really tricky reporter tricked me...
w-with his tricky trickiness.
...continues my commitment
to statewide education reform.
- [ Clamoring ]
- Yes, Andy?
Governor, l actually have
a question for your husband.
[ Nervous zlaugh ]
Jerry.
- Thank you.
- Wait, Warden Hazelwood.
Many of your programs have failed.
What do you plan to do
to turn around this dismal record?
Well, l have what l call
the Super-duper Super Program.
l don't want to go
into all the details now...
but l gotta tell you, it's pretty great.
[ Chuckles ]
At Quillen Penitentiary, the warden
has instituted a reconciliation program...
where criminals
and their victims meet face to face.
To flght. Two men enter, one man leaves.
Yes, we're doin' that.
Not flght,Jerry. To reconcile.
Yes. We have that too.
Uh, they have a choice.
Naturally we try to steer them
towards makin' up.
- [ Nervous zlaugh ]
- So. Any more questions?
l have no idea how to do this.
Earl, you got six months
and 1 0 days left in here.
Now, you make this program work...
and l will give you a certiflcate
for six months off your sentence.
Six months? l'll do it.
Then l'll only need
a certiflcate worth 1 0 days...
which maybe l can get by...
making you my world-famous
cheese omelet.
That does sound good.
We'll talk.
[ Earl Narrating ] / like the idea ofhelping
a prisoner make up for something bad he did...
since that's what / do with my list.
All / had to do now
was f/nd the right guy.
Sure are a lot of people in here
for aggravated assault.
lsn't everybody who commits assault
kind of aggravated?
Not necessarily. Remember when
l hugged that baby duck to death?
That was fun until it was sad.
When you get free, we're gonna go
back to that lake and just do the fun part.
This guy could work.
John Clevenger.
[ Earl Narrating ]
/'d heard aboutJohn.
He was a sensitive, artistic type
and a f/rst-time offender.
[ Man ]
.'Bound by wild desire.'
[ Earl Narrating ] He was in prison
for burning down his parents'house...
when his meth lab caught f/re.
.'/ fell into
a burning ring of f/re.'
.'/ went down, down, down.'
.'And the flames went higher.'
.'And it burns, burns, burns.'
.' The ring of f/re.'
.' The ring of f/re.'.'
- Hey, uh, are you John the Artist?
- Cool.
l'm glad that name flnally caught on.
l started that a couple weeks ago.
Oh, good for you.
l've been pushin' for Duke of Earl,
but it won't stick.
- Even with the song?
- There's a song?
Hey! That's mine.
You're not supposed to have
puddin' in your cell.
You got anything else
you're not supposed to have?
Maybe somethin' salty?
zlisten. l'm here to talk about
what happened with your parents.
- That flre was an accident.
- Clearly.
No one makes meth
with anything but the best intentions.
How would you feel about a program...
where you could sit down
with your parents and talk?
Really hash things out.
And hopefully it would lead
to an apology and a big hug.
Wow. Well-
l can't imagine they're
gonna want to do that...
- but if they're up for it, l'm in.
- Great.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Since / couldn't go myself...
/ asked Joy to meet
with John's parents...
and convince 'em to come see their son.
zlook, l understand you feelin' weird
about meeting with your son.
l mean, everybody hates meth heads.
That's a hundred-percenter.
On the other hand, he is your son.
l just don't think meeting
with John is such a good idea.
He was a very sweet boy, but he changed.
Hell, everybody changes. Changed how?
Well, with John was little, he didn't burn down
the house and destroy everything we own...
so that was different.
Mr. and Mrs. Clevenger,
l think l know what you're going through.
[ Sniffs ]
zlast year Mr. Turtle
knocked over a candle in our trailer...
and started a flre.
To this day, / don't know
if it was a accident...
or the result of pent-up
turtle hostilities of some kind.
Our relationship was very strained
the next few months.
We couldn't even be in the same room.
Usually l'd leave because it was quicker.
l thought this was over.
l think we both did.
- But eventually we sat down
and faced our problem head on.
- [ Squeaks ]
That's right.
l'm not gonna lie to you. lt wasn't easy.
But we got through it, and now
our relationship is stronger than ever.
And he seems more careful too.
l'm sorry.
[ lnhales ]
l have something in my eye.
Thank you.
We'll do it.
[ zlaughs ]
We'll go meet with John.
Nice work, Darnell.
Thanks.
l hope that wasn't
too awkward for you.
[ Earl Narrating ]
/t was a big day.
/ohn was gonna make up with his parents...
and / was gonna get my certif/cate
for six months off my sentence.
[ Exhales ]
Earl, if l wanted
an uncomfortable silence...
l would have made
a lunch date with my wife.
A little awkwardness
is completely normal.
So far this is a classic reconciliation.
Just say whatever's in your heart.
Me?
lf they're here to apologize,
shouldn't they go flrst?
- What?
- What are you doin'?
You said we're here for an apology.
Yeah, from you.
You're the one who's supposed to be sorry.
- But it was their fault.
- Our fault?
You burned down our house.
You left your mother smoldering and hairless.
That flre was the only time...
there was any warmth in that house,
you cold-hearted bastards.
You should thank me.
Earl, on three, we both fake heart attacks.
John, th-these are your parents.
They wouldn't have come here
if they didn't love you.
You are a monster.
And whose fault
do you think that is, huh?
l'm a monster because
you ignored me my whole life.
The most time we ever spent together...
was the six weeks of my trial,
and you wouldn't even look at me.
- My eyes were bandaged.
- [ zlaughing ] Oh, yeah.
zlike you couldn't pull up a little corner
and give me a peek? Cow!
- How could you?
- Don't talk to me while l'm waiting for the door.
Earl, this is a disaster.
You got a week to flx this.
This couldn't have gone better.
[ Chuckles ]
They're really doin' the work,
as my marriage counselor likes to say.
- You and the governor are in marriage counseling?
- Don't tell anybody.
She's pretty sensitive about it,
probably because of her sex addiction.
The governor has a sex addiction?
How do you know all this stuff?
[ Earl Narrating ] The only way / was gonna get
the last six months taken off my sentence...
was if / could getJohn
to make up with his parents.
ButJohn was having trouble
gettin'with the program.
[ Earl ]
Hey, buddy. Crazy stuff in there, huh?
/ know. Can you believe my parents
expected me to apologize to them?
See, here's the thing.
Everybody expected you
to apologize to them.
Hey, it's not my fault. lt's my parents'
for being such monsters my whole life.
They wouldn't let me
have a color TV in my room.
They never got me cargo pants.
They wouldn't even
let me go to my prom...
because they said l was too stoned
to drive- as if that's possible.
John, this is my freedom
we're talkin' about.
l don't need you to be sorry.
l just need you say you're sorry.
That's two totally different things.
Well, if you want me
to do something big like that...
l want something big in return.
- How about an aircraft carrier?
- Randy.
- They're big.
- l want a prom.
- Huh?
- l wanna go to a prom.
l always think about missing mine,
and l know l would have had a date...
because we lost the entire football team
in a bus accident that year.
We can't do a prom in prison.
Where are you gonna get the girls?
We only have flve trannies to dance with,
and they're all spoken for.
Fine. Then l wanna drive
an aircraft carrier.
- Done.
- [ Exhales ]
l don't even know who to call
to get an aircraft carrier.
- lsn't your wife the governor?
- The state doesn't have a navy, Earl.
Well, if we can't get him an aircraft carrier,
we gotta throw him a prom.
Prom? [ Scoffs ]
A prison prom?
- l know. lt's crazy, isn't it?
- Yeah. lt's crazy.
But l just looked like a jackass
in front of the press...
and it's time to show them
thatJerry Hazelwood is no fool.
So let's get some women behind these bars
and have ourselves a prom.
[ Earl Narrating ] Normally, getting 50 women
into a men's prison would have been tricky.
But luckily, the warden had stolen
some ofhis wife's governor stationery.
- [ Beep ]
- [ Woman On P.A.] Attention.
By order of the governor, this coming
Saturday you will all be traveling...
to the men's prison to attend a prom.
[ Squealing, Cheering ]
[ Earl Narrating ] / needed help
if / was gonna throw a successful prom...
so / got someone who started
goin'to 'em when she was 1 2.
l think my favorite prom
was my fourth one.
Six of us piled up
in the back of that limo.
That was one hell of a basketball team.
They went to State that year.
First thing l think we need
is a theme, right?
Oh, yeah. A theme unifles all your elements.
[ Gasps ]
Ooh. How about that one?
''Underwater Wonderland.''
That's awesome.
Plus, my hair looks
really good when it's wet.
lt looks kind of expensive.
ls that a whale
with a chocolate fountain blowhole?
- You got money.
- He's got money?
Yeah. He won the lottery.
Didn't he tell you?
He's got $2 4,61 2.1 7 left, minus 400.
Kids' school was selling
candy and you went a little crazy.
We could throw a pretty
awesome prom for $2 4,000.
- Wait-Wait-Wait a second.
- [ Gasps ] Oh, snap.
A nine-foot-tall purple seaweed arch
trimmed in platinum coral.
lt's a gateway to a magical universe.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Things were addin'up fast.
But then / thought about how much
/'d enjoy being out of prison.
/t was the little things about life
on the outside / missed the most...
- [ Alarm Clock Beeping ]
- like sleeping in my warm bed
next to my warm brother-
having the freedom to wear
something different every day-
[ Man ]
.'/'m free to do what / want.'
.'Any old time.'
feelin'the wind in my hair-
- .'/'m free to do what / want.'
- grass-
- andjust enjoying time with my friends.
- .'Any old time.'.'
So there it was.
Giving John what he wanted
was gonna cost me every dime / had.
But / wasn'tjust buyin'a prison prom.
/ was buyin'six months
of my life back.
Okay. Fine. zlet's do it.
- [ Squeals ]
- l haven't written a check in a while.
What do l put in this memo section?
You're supposed to put something
to remind you what the check was for...
but l usually just write,
''Suck it, gas company.''
[ Earl Narrating ]
/'d never forget what this check was for...
but / wanted to write it down anyway.
[Joy ]
/ can't believe this.
l made a prom in prison happen.
l bet this is what
it feels like to be Oprah.
- [ Earl Narrating ] Finally, the big night had come.
- .'.'[ Swing Pop ]
Even though no one actually
got to choose their date...
everyone seemed happy
to have some new company-
including me.
Depending on who you asked,
my date, Tanani, was either in prison...
for protesting the government's
oppressive treatment of Native Americans...
or for stabbing her boss
at the company picnic.
/t may have taken all my money, but it
really was turning out to be a magical night.
And splurging on the food really paid off.
This food is awesome, Earl. Thanks.
People seem to be enjoyin' it.
How come there's no
white chocolate fountain?
Good man.
?? [ Funk ]
[ Man Rapping ]
.' Uh, uh, uh, uh.'
[ Earl Narrating ]
Everybody was having a blast, especially me.
.' What, what, what, what.'
[ Earl Narrating ]
'Cause it wasn'tjust a prom.
/t was my getting-out-of-jail party.
.'Ready, set, let's go
Dance floor pro.'
.'/ know you know / go psycho
when my newjoint hit.'
.'Just can't sit
Gotta getjiggy wit it.'
- [ Women ].'Na na na na na na na na.'
- [ Onlookers Cheering ]
- .' Gettin'jiggy wit it.'
- .'Na na na na na na na na.'.'
[ Earl Narrating ] And then something happened
that made a sweet night even sweeter.
We crown Earl Hickey as prom king...
because he is responsible
for this entire evening...
including getting me
this awesome outflt.
[ Chanting ]
Earl./ Earl./ Earl./ Earl./
[ Earl Narrating ] / never thought
being prom king would mean so much...
mostly because / didn't know
proms had kings.
Well, now that / knew it, it felt great.
Thank you, fellow creatures of the sea.
[ Cheering ]
[ Earl Narrating ] Then / realized this crown
would mean even more to someone else.
- But you know who we should
really be thanking for this-
-Jesus?
Well, okay, but l was thinking
of someone a little more on our level.
- The pope?
- Okay, church guy. Stop answering.
l'm just gonna tell you. lt's John.
- [ Man ]John the Baptist?
- No,John the Artist.
He's the real prom king.
Without him, none of this
would've ever happened.
[ Chanting ]
John!John!John!John!John!John!John!John!
John!John!John!John!
[ Cheering ]
[ Mouthing Words ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
Sure,John was prickly and demanding...
but underneath that, he was a sad kid
who had missed out on a lot in life...
and / was glad to give some of it back-
especially since / was getting
six months of my own life back too.
Thank you for giving this another chance.
Things are gonna be
a little different this time.
Oh, there they are-
Mr. and Mrs. Hitler.
- Go back to Communist Russia.
- [ Sobbing ] Oh, no.
You're a terrible son
and you know nothing about history.
l just got elected prom king. l'm the king.
Everybody loves me except for you...
because you're both fat failures
who don't know how to love.
How dare you?
What the hell was that? You promised me
you were gonna make up with your parents.
What do you want from me?
l saw them again and l went off.
We had a deal.
l spent every dime l had on you...
and all l have to show for it
are pictures of me and a short chick...
who didn't even put out at the prom.
Hey, my parents treated me like crap,
so now l treat other people like crap.
- lt's out of my control, Earl.
- Oh, come on. You still make your own decisions.
You don't get it.
Anything bad l do isn't my fault.
lt's theirs for being lousy parents.
My middle name is zlou.John zlou.
There's two toilets in my name, Earl.
l never had a chance!
[ Earl Narrating ]
Right then something inside mejust snapped.
/ don't know if it was 'cause /'d been
in prison for too many months...
or the fact that this punk
was keeping me in for six more...
but all / wanted to do
was make him suffer.
/ wanted to take
everything from him...
like he took everything
from me and his parents.
[ Man ] / am the god ofhellf/re,
and / bring you-
.'Fire.'
.'/'ll take you to burn.'
.'Fire.'
- .'/'ll take you to learn.'
- What the hell, man? What are you doing?
Hey, you treated me like crap,
so now l treat other people like crap.
lt's out of my control.
My prom picture, my painting-
- You son of a bitch!
- .'And you saved and you earned.'
- .'But all of it's gonna burn.'.'
- Oh, l'm sorry. D-Did l hit you?
Well, don't blame me,
'cause anything bad / do isn't my fault.
lt's your fault, includin' this.
[ Groans ]
This isn't over, Hickey.
[ Earl Narrating ]
/ wasn't proud of what / did...
and doin'it didn't actually
make me feel any better.
Plus,John promised there'd be payback.
And there was.
/tjust wasn't the payback / expected.
Turned out the moreJohn blamed me
for burning down his cell...
the more he had to admit
he should blame himself...
for what he'd done to his parents.
[ Man ]
.' When / look up to the sky.'
- And he knew he needed to make it right.
- .'A funny kind of yellow.'
.'/ rush home to bed
/ soak my head.'
- .'/ see your face.'
- [ Mr. Clevenger] Beautiful.
.' Underneath my pillow.'
[ Earl Narrating ]
Turns out all the timeJohn spent stoned...
he'd memorized
every family photo on that wall-
.'Pictures of matchstick men and you.'
photos thatJohn's parents
assumed were lost forever...
which was reasonable, since
they'd all been destroyed in the house f/re.
.'Matchstick men and you.'
And John had found a way to give 'em back
something they thought they'd never see again.
.'All / ever see
is them and you.'.'
/t was the best reconciliation
/ohn's parents could have hoped for.
And most importantly for me, the warden
was gonna look good in front ofhis wife.
Earl, that was amazing.
You really understand
the psychology of the criminal mind.
[ Whistles ]
You're like the scumbag whisperer.
Well, l'm just glad
everything turned out so well, sir.
And for somebody,
it's only gonna get better.
Here's six more months
off your sentence.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you so much.
Now, Earl, thank you
for bailing me out one more time.
Honestly, l don't know
what l would do here...
without you to cover my ass.
Well, l guess you're
gonna flnd out tomorrow.
Thanks again, sir.
[ Whirring ]
Earl, you just crossed offJune
and July of next year.
Are those months
not happening anymore?
l don't mind. lt's just that l need
to move some stuff around.
l'm just flguring out how much time
the warden's takin' off my sentence.
[ Earl Narrating ]
For a few months now...
every time / solved a problem
for the warden...
he gave me a certif/cate worth
a week or two off my time in prison.
/ helped the leaders of two violent gangs
learn to get along... really well.
/ captured an escaped prisoner,
with a little help from Randy...
- and a high-ranking K-9 off/cer.
- [ Growling ]
/ even cleaned all the hair out
from the prison showers.
Pretty soon /'d gotten all
but six months taken off my sentence.
And lucky for me, the warden
was one of those people...
who never seem
to run out of problems.
Earl! Thank God you're here.
l'm totally screwed.
- You could just open the safe again.
- What?
Oh, not this. l do this all the time. No.
l was at this press conference...
and this really tricky reporter tricked me...
w-with his tricky trickiness.
...continues my commitment
to statewide education reform.
- [ Clamoring ]
- Yes, Andy?
Governor, l actually have
a question for your husband.
[ Nervous zlaugh ]
Jerry.
- Thank you.
- Wait, Warden Hazelwood.
Many of your programs have failed.
What do you plan to do
to turn around this dismal record?
Well, l have what l call
the Super-duper Super Program.
l don't want to go
into all the details now...
but l gotta tell you, it's pretty great.
[ Chuckles ]
At Quillen Penitentiary, the warden
has instituted a reconciliation program...
where criminals
and their victims meet face to face.
To flght. Two men enter, one man leaves.
Yes, we're doin' that.
Not flght,Jerry. To reconcile.
Yes. We have that too.
Uh, they have a choice.
Naturally we try to steer them
towards makin' up.
- [ Nervous zlaugh ]
- So. Any more questions?
l have no idea how to do this.
Earl, you got six months
and 1 0 days left in here.
Now, you make this program work...
and l will give you a certiflcate
for six months off your sentence.
Six months? l'll do it.
Then l'll only need
a certiflcate worth 1 0 days...
which maybe l can get by...
making you my world-famous
cheese omelet.
That does sound good.
We'll talk.
[ Earl Narrating ] / like the idea ofhelping
a prisoner make up for something bad he did...
since that's what / do with my list.
All / had to do now
was f/nd the right guy.
Sure are a lot of people in here
for aggravated assault.
lsn't everybody who commits assault
kind of aggravated?
Not necessarily. Remember when
l hugged that baby duck to death?
That was fun until it was sad.
When you get free, we're gonna go
back to that lake and just do the fun part.
This guy could work.
John Clevenger.
[ Earl Narrating ]
/'d heard aboutJohn.
He was a sensitive, artistic type
and a f/rst-time offender.
[ Man ]
.'Bound by wild desire.'
[ Earl Narrating ] He was in prison
for burning down his parents'house...
when his meth lab caught f/re.
.'/ fell into
a burning ring of f/re.'
.'/ went down, down, down.'
.'And the flames went higher.'
.'And it burns, burns, burns.'
.' The ring of f/re.'
.' The ring of f/re.'.'
- Hey, uh, are you John the Artist?
- Cool.
l'm glad that name flnally caught on.
l started that a couple weeks ago.
Oh, good for you.
l've been pushin' for Duke of Earl,
but it won't stick.
- Even with the song?
- There's a song?
Hey! That's mine.
You're not supposed to have
puddin' in your cell.
You got anything else
you're not supposed to have?
Maybe somethin' salty?
zlisten. l'm here to talk about
what happened with your parents.
- That flre was an accident.
- Clearly.
No one makes meth
with anything but the best intentions.
How would you feel about a program...
where you could sit down
with your parents and talk?
Really hash things out.
And hopefully it would lead
to an apology and a big hug.
Wow. Well-
l can't imagine they're
gonna want to do that...
- but if they're up for it, l'm in.
- Great.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Since / couldn't go myself...
/ asked Joy to meet
with John's parents...
and convince 'em to come see their son.
zlook, l understand you feelin' weird
about meeting with your son.
l mean, everybody hates meth heads.
That's a hundred-percenter.
On the other hand, he is your son.
l just don't think meeting
with John is such a good idea.
He was a very sweet boy, but he changed.
Hell, everybody changes. Changed how?
Well, with John was little, he didn't burn down
the house and destroy everything we own...
so that was different.
Mr. and Mrs. Clevenger,
l think l know what you're going through.
[ Sniffs ]
zlast year Mr. Turtle
knocked over a candle in our trailer...
and started a flre.
To this day, / don't know
if it was a accident...
or the result of pent-up
turtle hostilities of some kind.
Our relationship was very strained
the next few months.
We couldn't even be in the same room.
Usually l'd leave because it was quicker.
l thought this was over.
l think we both did.
- But eventually we sat down
and faced our problem head on.
- [ Squeaks ]
That's right.
l'm not gonna lie to you. lt wasn't easy.
But we got through it, and now
our relationship is stronger than ever.
And he seems more careful too.
l'm sorry.
[ lnhales ]
l have something in my eye.
Thank you.
We'll do it.
[ zlaughs ]
We'll go meet with John.
Nice work, Darnell.
Thanks.
l hope that wasn't
too awkward for you.
[ Earl Narrating ]
/t was a big day.
/ohn was gonna make up with his parents...
and / was gonna get my certif/cate
for six months off my sentence.
[ Exhales ]
Earl, if l wanted
an uncomfortable silence...
l would have made
a lunch date with my wife.
A little awkwardness
is completely normal.
So far this is a classic reconciliation.
Just say whatever's in your heart.
Me?
lf they're here to apologize,
shouldn't they go flrst?
- What?
- What are you doin'?
You said we're here for an apology.
Yeah, from you.
You're the one who's supposed to be sorry.
- But it was their fault.
- Our fault?
You burned down our house.
You left your mother smoldering and hairless.
That flre was the only time...
there was any warmth in that house,
you cold-hearted bastards.
You should thank me.
Earl, on three, we both fake heart attacks.
John, th-these are your parents.
They wouldn't have come here
if they didn't love you.
You are a monster.
And whose fault
do you think that is, huh?
l'm a monster because
you ignored me my whole life.
The most time we ever spent together...
was the six weeks of my trial,
and you wouldn't even look at me.
- My eyes were bandaged.
- [ zlaughing ] Oh, yeah.
zlike you couldn't pull up a little corner
and give me a peek? Cow!
- How could you?
- Don't talk to me while l'm waiting for the door.
Earl, this is a disaster.
You got a week to flx this.
This couldn't have gone better.
[ Chuckles ]
They're really doin' the work,
as my marriage counselor likes to say.
- You and the governor are in marriage counseling?
- Don't tell anybody.
She's pretty sensitive about it,
probably because of her sex addiction.
The governor has a sex addiction?
How do you know all this stuff?
[ Earl Narrating ] The only way / was gonna get
the last six months taken off my sentence...
was if / could getJohn
to make up with his parents.
ButJohn was having trouble
gettin'with the program.
[ Earl ]
Hey, buddy. Crazy stuff in there, huh?
/ know. Can you believe my parents
expected me to apologize to them?
See, here's the thing.
Everybody expected you
to apologize to them.
Hey, it's not my fault. lt's my parents'
for being such monsters my whole life.
They wouldn't let me
have a color TV in my room.
They never got me cargo pants.
They wouldn't even
let me go to my prom...
because they said l was too stoned
to drive- as if that's possible.
John, this is my freedom
we're talkin' about.
l don't need you to be sorry.
l just need you say you're sorry.
That's two totally different things.
Well, if you want me
to do something big like that...
l want something big in return.
- How about an aircraft carrier?
- Randy.
- They're big.
- l want a prom.
- Huh?
- l wanna go to a prom.
l always think about missing mine,
and l know l would have had a date...
because we lost the entire football team
in a bus accident that year.
We can't do a prom in prison.
Where are you gonna get the girls?
We only have flve trannies to dance with,
and they're all spoken for.
Fine. Then l wanna drive
an aircraft carrier.
- Done.
- [ Exhales ]
l don't even know who to call
to get an aircraft carrier.
- lsn't your wife the governor?
- The state doesn't have a navy, Earl.
Well, if we can't get him an aircraft carrier,
we gotta throw him a prom.
Prom? [ Scoffs ]
A prison prom?
- l know. lt's crazy, isn't it?
- Yeah. lt's crazy.
But l just looked like a jackass
in front of the press...
and it's time to show them
thatJerry Hazelwood is no fool.
So let's get some women behind these bars
and have ourselves a prom.
[ Earl Narrating ] Normally, getting 50 women
into a men's prison would have been tricky.
But luckily, the warden had stolen
some ofhis wife's governor stationery.
- [ Beep ]
- [ Woman On P.A.] Attention.
By order of the governor, this coming
Saturday you will all be traveling...
to the men's prison to attend a prom.
[ Squealing, Cheering ]
[ Earl Narrating ] / needed help
if / was gonna throw a successful prom...
so / got someone who started
goin'to 'em when she was 1 2.
l think my favorite prom
was my fourth one.
Six of us piled up
in the back of that limo.
That was one hell of a basketball team.
They went to State that year.
First thing l think we need
is a theme, right?
Oh, yeah. A theme unifles all your elements.
[ Gasps ]
Ooh. How about that one?
''Underwater Wonderland.''
That's awesome.
Plus, my hair looks
really good when it's wet.
lt looks kind of expensive.
ls that a whale
with a chocolate fountain blowhole?
- You got money.
- He's got money?
Yeah. He won the lottery.
Didn't he tell you?
He's got $2 4,61 2.1 7 left, minus 400.
Kids' school was selling
candy and you went a little crazy.
We could throw a pretty
awesome prom for $2 4,000.
- Wait-Wait-Wait a second.
- [ Gasps ] Oh, snap.
A nine-foot-tall purple seaweed arch
trimmed in platinum coral.
lt's a gateway to a magical universe.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Things were addin'up fast.
But then / thought about how much
/'d enjoy being out of prison.
/t was the little things about life
on the outside / missed the most...
- [ Alarm Clock Beeping ]
- like sleeping in my warm bed
next to my warm brother-
having the freedom to wear
something different every day-
[ Man ]
.'/'m free to do what / want.'
.'Any old time.'
feelin'the wind in my hair-
- .'/'m free to do what / want.'
- grass-
- andjust enjoying time with my friends.
- .'Any old time.'.'
So there it was.
Giving John what he wanted
was gonna cost me every dime / had.
But / wasn'tjust buyin'a prison prom.
/ was buyin'six months
of my life back.
Okay. Fine. zlet's do it.
- [ Squeals ]
- l haven't written a check in a while.
What do l put in this memo section?
You're supposed to put something
to remind you what the check was for...
but l usually just write,
''Suck it, gas company.''
[ Earl Narrating ]
/'d never forget what this check was for...
but / wanted to write it down anyway.
[Joy ]
/ can't believe this.
l made a prom in prison happen.
l bet this is what
it feels like to be Oprah.
- [ Earl Narrating ] Finally, the big night had come.
- .'.'[ Swing Pop ]
Even though no one actually
got to choose their date...
everyone seemed happy
to have some new company-
including me.
Depending on who you asked,
my date, Tanani, was either in prison...
for protesting the government's
oppressive treatment of Native Americans...
or for stabbing her boss
at the company picnic.
/t may have taken all my money, but it
really was turning out to be a magical night.
And splurging on the food really paid off.
This food is awesome, Earl. Thanks.
People seem to be enjoyin' it.
How come there's no
white chocolate fountain?
Good man.
?? [ Funk ]
[ Man Rapping ]
.' Uh, uh, uh, uh.'
[ Earl Narrating ]
Everybody was having a blast, especially me.
.' What, what, what, what.'
[ Earl Narrating ]
'Cause it wasn'tjust a prom.
/t was my getting-out-of-jail party.
.'Ready, set, let's go
Dance floor pro.'
.'/ know you know / go psycho
when my newjoint hit.'
.'Just can't sit
Gotta getjiggy wit it.'
- [ Women ].'Na na na na na na na na.'
- [ Onlookers Cheering ]
- .' Gettin'jiggy wit it.'
- .'Na na na na na na na na.'.'
[ Earl Narrating ] And then something happened
that made a sweet night even sweeter.
We crown Earl Hickey as prom king...
because he is responsible
for this entire evening...
including getting me
this awesome outflt.
[ Chanting ]
Earl./ Earl./ Earl./ Earl./
[ Earl Narrating ] / never thought
being prom king would mean so much...
mostly because / didn't know
proms had kings.
Well, now that / knew it, it felt great.
Thank you, fellow creatures of the sea.
[ Cheering ]
[ Earl Narrating ] Then / realized this crown
would mean even more to someone else.
- But you know who we should
really be thanking for this-
-Jesus?
Well, okay, but l was thinking
of someone a little more on our level.
- The pope?
- Okay, church guy. Stop answering.
l'm just gonna tell you. lt's John.
- [ Man ]John the Baptist?
- No,John the Artist.
He's the real prom king.
Without him, none of this
would've ever happened.
[ Chanting ]
John!John!John!John!John!John!John!John!
John!John!John!John!
[ Cheering ]
[ Mouthing Words ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
Sure,John was prickly and demanding...
but underneath that, he was a sad kid
who had missed out on a lot in life...
and / was glad to give some of it back-
especially since / was getting
six months of my own life back too.
Thank you for giving this another chance.
Things are gonna be
a little different this time.
Oh, there they are-
Mr. and Mrs. Hitler.
- Go back to Communist Russia.
- [ Sobbing ] Oh, no.
You're a terrible son
and you know nothing about history.
l just got elected prom king. l'm the king.
Everybody loves me except for you...
because you're both fat failures
who don't know how to love.
How dare you?
What the hell was that? You promised me
you were gonna make up with your parents.
What do you want from me?
l saw them again and l went off.
We had a deal.
l spent every dime l had on you...
and all l have to show for it
are pictures of me and a short chick...
who didn't even put out at the prom.
Hey, my parents treated me like crap,
so now l treat other people like crap.
- lt's out of my control, Earl.
- Oh, come on. You still make your own decisions.
You don't get it.
Anything bad l do isn't my fault.
lt's theirs for being lousy parents.
My middle name is zlou.John zlou.
There's two toilets in my name, Earl.
l never had a chance!
[ Earl Narrating ]
Right then something inside mejust snapped.
/ don't know if it was 'cause /'d been
in prison for too many months...
or the fact that this punk
was keeping me in for six more...
but all / wanted to do
was make him suffer.
/ wanted to take
everything from him...
like he took everything
from me and his parents.
[ Man ] / am the god ofhellf/re,
and / bring you-
.'Fire.'
.'/'ll take you to burn.'
.'Fire.'
- .'/'ll take you to learn.'
- What the hell, man? What are you doing?
Hey, you treated me like crap,
so now l treat other people like crap.
lt's out of my control.
My prom picture, my painting-
- You son of a bitch!
- .'And you saved and you earned.'
- .'But all of it's gonna burn.'.'
- Oh, l'm sorry. D-Did l hit you?
Well, don't blame me,
'cause anything bad / do isn't my fault.
lt's your fault, includin' this.
[ Groans ]
This isn't over, Hickey.
[ Earl Narrating ]
/ wasn't proud of what / did...
and doin'it didn't actually
make me feel any better.
Plus,John promised there'd be payback.
And there was.
/tjust wasn't the payback / expected.
Turned out the moreJohn blamed me
for burning down his cell...
the more he had to admit
he should blame himself...
for what he'd done to his parents.
[ Man ]
.' When / look up to the sky.'
- And he knew he needed to make it right.
- .'A funny kind of yellow.'
.'/ rush home to bed
/ soak my head.'
- .'/ see your face.'
- [ Mr. Clevenger] Beautiful.
.' Underneath my pillow.'
[ Earl Narrating ]
Turns out all the timeJohn spent stoned...
he'd memorized
every family photo on that wall-
.'Pictures of matchstick men and you.'
photos thatJohn's parents
assumed were lost forever...
which was reasonable, since
they'd all been destroyed in the house f/re.
.'Matchstick men and you.'
And John had found a way to give 'em back
something they thought they'd never see again.
.'All / ever see
is them and you.'.'
/t was the best reconciliation
/ohn's parents could have hoped for.
And most importantly for me, the warden
was gonna look good in front ofhis wife.
Earl, that was amazing.
You really understand
the psychology of the criminal mind.
[ Whistles ]
You're like the scumbag whisperer.
Well, l'm just glad
everything turned out so well, sir.
And for somebody,
it's only gonna get better.
Here's six more months
off your sentence.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you so much.
Now, Earl, thank you
for bailing me out one more time.
Honestly, l don't know
what l would do here...
without you to cover my ass.
Well, l guess you're
gonna flnd out tomorrow.
Thanks again, sir.
[ Whirring ]