My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 3, Episode 10 - Midnight Bun - full transcript

Previously...

on My Name Is Earl...

In a world...

where friends are hard to find,

and even harder to keep,

and even harder than that,
if you can find them,

there was an innocent
mustached prisoner.

His un-mustached guard brother,

locked in a no-holds-barred battle

to decide who's in charge.

Face it, you only took this job cause
you couldn't exist out there without me.



Or maybe I knew
you couldn't exist in here without me.

Or maybe you're getting defensive
and saying everything I say back at me.

Or maybe you're just saying
what I'm gonna say before I say it!

- What?
- I don't know! Why don't you tell me!

And a pregnant ex-wife
who will stop at nothing

to get her sister's surrogated,
bi-racial baby out of her womb.

Now, a renegade criminal
is on the loose, with nothing to lose.

And an angry warden must answer
to himself and his governor wife.

I know what I'm doing!
I'm a grown man!

Now, in order to protect his job,

the warden must find someone just
crazy enough to attempt the impossible.

Because you're both going
to go out there,

you're going to get Frank
and you're going to bring him back here!

A secret mission
that no one can find out about.



No troopers, no press.

And the governor
can never hear about this.

A difficult mission...

made mission impossible.

Before we go,
which one of us is in charge?

You two figure it out.

Two feuding brothers.

One escaped convict.

Zero chances to fail.

Season 3 - Episode 10
Midnight Bun

Damn it, Randy,

the warden's my best chance
of getting out of here early.

Why would you take
convicts for ice cream?

They get ice cream
in the prison cafeteria.

I didn't want them
to taste the ice cream, Earl.

I wanted them to taste the freedom.

Okay, look, we have 46 hours.
Frank couldn't have gotten that far.

Where is the ice cream store?

It's the one next to the train station
and that costume store,

near the bong shop
where they make the fake ids.

We just have to look for a guy

who could be dressed as anything
and who's anywhere a train might go.

Last tuesday, a bunch of prisoners put
a tiny bird in your food and you ate it.

I wasn't going to say anything,
but now I want you to suffer.

Me and Randy were just
beginning our journey,

and Joy was trying to end hers,

by giving birth to her
half-sister's overdue baby.

Whichever one of you pregnant bitches
thinks you're going next, you are wrong.

I need to get some drugs
to kick start this delivery!

You promised your sister
you'd deliver naturally.

You want their little one coming in
dripping with lies?

You know my word doesn't mean anything.

If it did, we wouldn't have been humping
when I was still married to Earl.

In that case,
the shame was part of the rush.

But without illicit sex,
shame is just shame.

Whatever. Excuse me!

Hey, last name's Turner.
I need to see a doctor, pronto.

Dr. Pronto to reception please.

Dr. Pronto.

You got to be kidding me?

You know what?

If somebody shows up, I'll take him.

While Joy was trying
to push out one child,

Darnell had asked Catalina
to watch their other two.

You can hang out in here.

Don't be scared,
no one died in this room.

They made it to the stairway.

It smells.

What are we gonna do in here?

I don't know,
I'm not very good with kids.

No offense, but you guys
freak me out with your tiny hands

and your teeth falling out all the time.

Do you know any games?

When I was a little girl, we used to
play a game called Hide and Don't Peek.

How do you play?

An gunman takes your family hostage,
while you run and hide,

and then you pray the guerillas
leave before they find you.

And how do you win?

By pulling the bodies on top of you
and laying very, very still.

It felt good to be
outside the prison walls,

but not too good.

Really? Are these necessary?

It's prison policy.

- Like taking convicts for ice cream.
- No, that's not prison policy.

Haven't you learned
anything from what I did?

What's this?

It's a search dog.

I had him sniff Frank's bed.

The warden doesn't want word to get out
that we're chasing an escaped convict.

Don't you think a guy in a guard uniform
with a search dog is kind of obvious?

Don't you think a guy
in a prisoner uniform

with handcuffs is kind of obvious?

Glass houses, Earl.
Glass houses.

We're not taking the stupid dog.

I already found out
where Frank's headed.

After I left the warden's,

I went to find
Frank's old stealing buddy.

Paco, I didn't know
you knew how to write music.

Turns out it's easy.

It's just dots and lines.

When I get out of here, I'm gonna find
someone to play it for me.

I can't wait to hear
what it sounds like.

Maybe you haven't heard, but...

Frank escaped.

Damn it!
Frank escaped?

He's gonna get all the money
that we hid in the trailer.

You hid money in our trailer?

Thanks, Paco.

Damn.

I hope this song is a sad song.

Give me the keys
and uncuff me so I can drive.

I'm driving, I'm in charge.

Randy, you're not in charge.

Plus, your foot's too big.

When you drive, your shoe hits the gas
and the break at the same time.

- It's terrifying.
- I'm driving, I'm the cop.

- You're not a cop.
- Oh yeah, if I'm not a cop,

then how come when I pull up at
the home depot, all those guys run away?

You mean like your dog just did?

Damn it.

All right then, I'll just have
to pick up the scent on my own.

Frank stinks.

How do dogs do this?

This is kind of small.

Oh, whatever. All I need is
gravity, a bucket and a wet nap.

Let's do this thing.

Oh... my... God.

Look at this place.

This must where pregnant brides
come on their honeymoon.

And here's some extra services
available for a nominal fee.

Volcanic mud mask,
aroma therapy, eucalyptus wrap.

That sounds delicious.

Is the feminine face peel
just for the ladies?

Or can the gentleman
purchase that as well?

- Who pays for all these nominals?
- Since you're just a surrogate,

it would be Mr. and Mrs. Ray-Ray
and Liberty Washington.

Good. Then bring us
some of those eucalyptus things,

extra mayo,
miracle whip if you got it,

and hurry up cause I want to eat before
the nurse gets here with that shot.

Can you believe this fancy menu?

I swear it's like
I've died and gone to Chili's.

Me and Randy
were staking out Joy's trailer,

waiting for Frank to show up
and get his money.

As luck would have it,

I was spending my one day out of prison
locked up in a small space with a man.

Well, where are you?

I'm at the american terminal
and I don't see you.

Nah, I haven't had dinner yet.

I thought we'd pick
something up on our way.

Randy, what are you doing?

Hang on, I've got
someone talking to me.

I just wanted to see
what it'd be like to have a cell phone.

Sorry, that was my brother.

Yeah, he really is.

You're gonna have to find
your own way home,

cause my brother took prisoners
for ice cream, and then he lost one.

So we can't go anywhere
'cause he's a sucky guard.

You look so stupid right now.

I was trying to get Randy
to stop acting like a kid

and Dodge and Earl Jr were trying to get
Catalina to start acting like one.

So you never played Simon says?

Freeze tag?

Hot potato?

Hot potatoes were rare,
and reserved for birthdays only.

How about Patty cake?

Is that where you go like this?

And then get hit in the face

for playing games
instead of working the cocoa fields?

Just clap hands with me.
Nothing bad is going to happen.

Randy, just give me the keys
so I can uncuff myself.

I'm not supposed to uncuff
a prisoner just because he asks.

It says so in the manual.

Really? What does it say to do
if a prisoner does this?

I don't know, I haven't read
the whole thing yet. Stop it, Earl!

Uncuff me and I will!

You know I can't stand
the sound of honking

since I got attacked by those gooses!

They're probably on their way here!

Okay, I'll give you the key!
Call 'em off!

I think they messed up
on our crudit?s tray.

It's just vegetables.

That's what it's supposed to be.

Then they nailed it.
This place is great.

If the pro-lifers knew
what they were doing,

they would just get
everybody great insurance.

Oh, good!
We didn't miss it!

How'd you know we were here?

A volunteer from the hospital called
to say our surrogate was admitted.

And they offered me a discount
on a newborn photo shoot.

They can put in a backdrop later

that makes the baby look like
he's on the space shuttle.

Space baby...

that's tight.

Let's not dilly dally.

We've got to get you down
to the water birthing tub.

Water what?

Why do you want me
to give birth underwater?

You didn't secretly impregnate me
with some kind of fish baby?

Oh, Joy, you're gonna love this.

It's based on ancient wisdom
and tradition.

It goes all the way back to the '70s.

Where's the mama in a hurry?

What the hell is that?

It's just my insulin.

You know I'm epileptic.

You're inducing.

Are you kidding me?
You're not in labor!

I'm going to get inside your hippie tub,
and against everything I believe in,

let this baby swim out of me,

and hopefully it pops
and surfaces like a cork.

Or a witch baby.

And in return,

you're gonna let this man nurse
give me a shot

so we can get this over with.

Don't give her the shot.

My body, my choice!

I'm getting this thing out of me.

Now give me that shot,

or get me a fishing pole with a jar
of baby food on the end of it.

There was something
that wannabe doctor was not aware of.

Liberty was better known
as "Lady Liberty of Blow"...

the black ladies of wrestling.

I think you dropped something.

Damn it, you bogarted
my inducing drugs.

You're not taking any drugs!

Fine. Darnell.

Grab all the shampoos
and shower caps out of the bathroom.

We're getting out of here.

Do you have any literature on the affect
of oxytocin on the male gender?

But if you survive and
want to write something up,

I bet you could get it published.

Joy was having trouble
being a surrogate parent,

but Catalina was finding it
quite enjoyable.

In fact, the kids've finally taught her
how to be a kid herself.

I did it!
I won again!

Somebody else will have to teach her
how to be a good sport,

Suck on that, white one!

and the kids names.

I'm going to get ice cream.

- No, you're not.
- Yeah, I am.

- Stop or I shoot.
- What you're gonna do?

Shoot me with that
stupid bean bag gun?

I'm really sca...

I got the bean bag!
What are you going to do now, genius?

I don't know why the ice cream guy
has all those pictures up.

All he's got are creamsicles and pot.

Oh, God.

What is it now?

Randy, I can't keep up
with your emotions.

You were right all along.

I'm not a good prison guard.

I'm not good at so many things.

I'm not a good speller,
I'm not a good athlete.

I'm not the brother
with the good butt.

I can never be in charge.

Well, not in charge of people.

But of...

toys.

Maybe animals.

What about the dog that got away?

Okay, well, toys.

I tried to think of other stuff,

but I ran out of time.

Randy, there's Frank.

Great.

The reason I feel so stupid
in the first place.

And let me guess, he's not going to
trip over that rock that always gets me.

Walked right over it like the fonz.

Randy, let's go.

You use your dumb brother
to escape, too?

Where you been?
I've been looking for you.

I'm not ready to talk to you yet.

Frank, I got to take you back.

I know you're looking for Paco's money
in that heater, but it's over.

No, I was actually looking for my gun.

The only thing more frustrating
to Joy than not being in labor,

was the fact that
her husband suddenly was.

I've got to stop walking.
My contractions are two minutes apart.

Hurts being a woman,
don't it, Darnell?

I'm not sure what's about to happen,

but I know it's going to need
to happen over water.

That was a bad one.

What the hell is going on?

Did you break out?

Not exactly, but he did.

- Sorry.
- All right, everyone just chill out.

Damn, my horoscope was right.

You better put that gun down.

If you kill a hot blonde
9 months pregnant

with her bi-racial
half sister's bi-racial baby,

Nancy Grace'll convict you in the media
before the first commercial break.

If you have to kill somebody,
kill Earl or Randy first.

- What?
- I deserve it.

I just want to find my money.
You, come on.

- Help me pull the stove out.
- I can't...

If I strain too hard, I'm afraid
I'll give birth to pooptuplets.

Here comes another wave.

Kill him third.

I don't want to kill anyone.
I just want my money, all right?

Now you, preggers, come on,
help me move this thing.

Joy, cops are on their way.

They're going to help me
get my property back.

You called the cops?

Damn, my horoscope was right.

Check it out. We're chained to
the refrigerator, can you believe it?

Okay, everyone shut up
while me and the fat chick

move this thing
before the cops get here.

Oh! Snap!

I'm sorry, pregnant chick,
but seriously, pull, bitch, pull.

No, my water just broke!

Oh, that's nasty!
That soaked right through to the sock.

- We've got to get her to a hospital!
- Nobody is going anywhere!

Ray-ray, I'm freaking out.
Get me a sedative from my purse.

- Can I get a handful of those?
- I'd like one!

- That sounds good.
- Can I have one?

Actually, you know what,
hold onto it for me till later.

I kind of need to think sharp.

Hell no! If I can't have drugs,
neither can y'all.

Oh, crap.

The cops are here.
I have placentas on my feet.

You know what?
This ain't my day, I'm out.

Don't turn yourself in.

- What are you doing, Earl?
- The warden said no cops.

You're doing a good job.
You've got a gun,

you've got us all held hostage.

You can't quit now,
you haven't even found your money yet.

Earl, what are you doing?

If he wants to turn himself in, just...

- Oh, god.
- Shut up, Darnell!

You stole my drugs,
you are not stealing my limelight.

I believe in you, Frank,
just believe in yourself.

Yeah, thanks for the pep talk, Earl,
you know, people...

people don't realize

that hostage situations are stressful
on both sides of the gun.

People don't realize that.

You know what? You're right.

I am good at this.

And you know what else?

I do have something going on for me.

Yeah, you two, tank tops,
go ditch the cops, go on!

Yeah, you see?
Now we're doing it.

- I'm here about a stolen baby.
- She's about to give it back.

Yeah, so it's kind
of a mute point now.

"Moot" point, you said mute with a "u,"
the word's "moot," m-o-o-t.

I think it's mute point,

like there's no point in talking
about it anymore, so it's "mute."

Trust me, it's "moot."

No, he's right,
mute makes sense.

Moot, what's moot?

I didn't know it's possible,
but I think my water just broke.

- Short breaths, Darnell.
- You need me to call an ambulance?

Nah, he's just riding out
some contractions.

What was that?

That's just his wife
giving birth to my baby.

Look, brother, I don't know
what's going on inside that trailer,

I suggest you do like I'm about to do
and distance yourself from these people.

Come on, Darnell.

Bingo! I got my money!

Look out whore houses in Mexico!

Cop's gone.

Do I have permission
to use the restroom now?

I don't care what you do, home slice,
'coz I'm about to go...

I see fingers!

Give me a towel,
the coupon scissors and a chip clip.

You better be fixing to open
a bag of fritos, Mac Gyver.

I've done this before. I once performed
a caesarean on my cat, Miss Kitty.

- Did the kittens live?
- Screw them, did mama cat make it?

I was 9,
I did the best I could.

She's so beautiful.

The birth of a child
is a powerful thing.

Even frank was moved.

It's been months
since I've seen a vagina

that wasn't crudely drawn on my hand.

I should get going.

You were right, Randy.
We did need the search dog.

So I guess I am good
at some stuff, huh, Earl?

Like knowing when to use
a dog on a man hunt,

and breaking freezer doors
off refrigerators.

Yeah, that was a real feat of strength.

You might not have seen this,

but when Frank was waving
his gun all around,

I was standing in front of you
so he couldn't hit you with the bullet.

Yeah, you're a real good bullet shield.

So I guess it's okay that I'm not good
at being in charge, because you are.

Well, I'm only good
'cause I've got you on my team.

Thanks.

I lied about being your bullet shield.

I was only standing in front of you
on accident.

I know, Randy.
It's cool.

But just 'cause someone follows

doesn't mean they don't have
plenty to contribute,

whether they're little brothers

or big sisters.

- What's this?
- It's Frank's money.

There's a couple thousand
in there for ray-ray-ray-anne.

She's going to need it for college,
or a boob job in case she's not smart.

All right, kids, time to eat.

And sometimes,
people don't want to stop contributing.

Wait, 5 more minutes.
We're in the middle of a game.

Okay, black one, your turn.