My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 3, Episode 11 - Burn Victim - full transcript

Earl, you just crossed off June and July of next
year. Are those months not happening anymore?

I don't mind, it's just
I need to move some stuff around.

I'm just figuring out how much time
the warden is taking off my sentence.

For a few months now, every time
I solved a problem for the warden,

he gave me a certificate worth
a week or two off my time in prison.

I helped the leaders of violent
gangs learn to get along, -

really well.
I captured an escaped prisoner, -

with a little help from Randy
and a high-ranking canine officer.

I even cleaned all the hair out
from the prison showers.

Pretty soon I'd gotten all
but six months taken off my sentence,

and lucky for me, the warden was one of those
people who never seemed to run out of problems.



Thank God, you're here.
I'm totally screwed.

- You could just open the safe again.
- What?

No, not this. I do this all the time.
No, I was at this press conference, -

and this really tricky reporter
tricked me with his tricky trickiness.

Continues my commitment
to statewide education reform.

Yes, Andy?

Governor, I actually have
a question for your husband.

Thank you.

Wait, Warden Hazelwood.

Many of your programs have failed.

What do you plan to do
to turn around this dismal record?

Well, I have what I call
the "Super Duper Super Program."

I don't want to go
into all the details now,

but I gotta tell you, it's pretty great.



At Quinland penitentiary, the warden
has instituted a reconciliation program,

where criminals and their victims
meet face-to-face.

To fight...
Two man enter, one man leaves.

Yes, we're doing it.

Not to fight, Jerry, to reconcile.

Yes, we have that, too.

They have a choice, naturally.

We try to steer them towards making up.

So, any more questions?

I have no idea how to do this.

Earl, you got six months
and ten days left in here.

Now, you make this program work,

and I will give you a certificate
for six months off your sentence.

Six months?

I'll do it!

Then I'll only need
a certificate worth ten days,

which maybe I can get by...

making you
my world-famous cheese omelet.

It does sound good.

We'll talk.

I liked the idea of helping a prisoner
make up for something bad he did,

since that's what I do with my list.

All I had to do now
was find the right guy.

Sure are a lot of people
in here for aggravated assault.

Isn't everybody who commits
assault kind of aggravated?

Not necessarily.

Remember when I hugged
that baby duck to death?

That was fun until it was sad.

When you get free, we're gonna go back
to that lake and just do the fun part.

This guy could work.

John Clevenger.

I'd heard about John.

He was the sensitive, artistic type,
and a first-time offender.

He was in prison
for burning down his parents' house

when his meth lab caught fire.

- Are you John the artist?
- Cool,

I'm glad that name caught on.
I started that a couple weeks ago.

Oh, good for you.

I've been pushing for Duke of Earl,
but it won't stick.

Even with the song?

There's a song?

Hey, that's mine!

You're not supposed
to have pudding in your cell.

You got anything else
you're not supposed to have?

Maybe something salty?

Listen, I'm here to talk
about what happened with your parents.

That fire was an accident.

Clearly.

No one makes meth
with anything but the best intentions.

How would you feel about a program

where you could sit down
with your parents and talk?

Really hash things out.

And, hopefully, it would lead
to an apology and a big hug.

I can't imagine they want to do that,
but if they're up for it, I'm in.

Great.

Since I couldn't go myself,

I asked Joy to meet with John's parents
and convince them to come see their son.

Look, I understand you're feeling weird
about meeting with your son.

I mean, everybody hates meth heads.
That's like a 100 percenter.

On the other hand,

he is your son.

I just don't think meeting with John
is such a good idea.

He was a very sweet boy...

but he changed.

Hell, everybody changes.
Changed how?

Well John was little,

he didn't burn down the house
and destroy everything we own.

So, that was different.

Mr. And Mrs. Clevenger, I think
I know what you're going through.

Last year,

Mr. Turtle knocked over a candle
in our trailer and started a fire.

To this day,

I don't know if it was an accident

or the result of
pent-up turtle hostilities of some kind.

Our relationship was very strained
the next few months.

We couldn't even be in the same room.

Usually, I'd leave
because it was quicker.

I thought this... was over.

I think we both did.

But, eventually, we sat down
and faced our problems head-on.

That's right.

I'm not going to lie to you.

It wasn't easy.
But we got through it.

And now,
our relationship is stronger than ever.

And he seems more careful, too.

I'm sorry.

I have something in my eye.

Thank you.

We'll do it.

We'll go meet with John.

Nice work, Darnell.

Thanks.

I hope that wasn't too awkward for you.

It was a big day.

John was going
to make up with his parents,

and I was going to get my certificate
for six months off my sentence.

Earl, if I wanted uncomfortable silence,

I would have made
a lunch date with my wife.

A little awkwardness
is completely normal.

So far,
this is a classic reconciliation.

Just say whatever's in your heart.

Me?

If they're here to apologize,
shouldn't they go first?

What?

What are you doing?

You said we're here for an apology.

Yeah, from you. You're the one
who's supposed to be sorry.

But it was their fault.

Our fault?

You burned down our house.

You left your mother
smoldering and hairless.

That fire was the only time

there was any warmth in that house,
you cold-hearted bastards.

You should thank me.

Earl, on three,
we both fake heart attacks.

John, these are your parents.

They wouldn't have come here
if they didn't love you.

You are a monster!

And whose fault
do you think that is, huh?

I'm a monster because
you ignored me my whole life.

The most time we ever spent together

was the six weeks of my trial,
and you wouldn't even look at me!

My eyes were bandaged!

Like you couldn't pull up
a little corner and give me a peek?

Cow!

How could you?

Don't talk to me
while I'm waiting for the door!

Earl, this is a disaster.

You got a week to fix this.

This couldn't have gone better.

They're really doing the work,
as my marriage counselor likes to say.

You and the governor
are in marriage counseling?

Don't tell anybody.

She's pretty sensitive about it,
partly because of her sex addiction.

The governor has a sex addiction?

How do you know all this stuff?

The only way I was gonna get
the last 6 months taken off my sentence

was if I could get John
to make up with his parents,

but John was having trouble
getting with the program.

Hey, buddy.

- Crazy stuff in there, huh?
- I know.

Can you believe my parents
expected me to apologize to them?

See, here's the thing, everybody
expected you to apologize to them.

Hey, it's not my fault.

It's my parents
for being such monsters my whole life.

They wouldn't let me have
a color TV in my room.

They never got me cargo pants.

They wouldn't even let me go to my prom,

because they said
I was too stoned to drive.

As if that's possible.

John, this is my freedom
we are talking about.

I don't need you to be sorry,
I just need you to say you're sorry.

It's two totally different things.

If you want me to do
something big like that,

I want something big in return.

How about an aircraft carrier?
They're big.

I want a prom.

I want to go to a prom,
I always think about missing mine,

and I know I would have had a date,

because we lost the entire football team
in a bus accident that year.

We can do a prom in prison,
where are you going to get the girls?

We only have
five trannies to dance with,

and they're all spoken for.

Fine! Then I want
to drive an aircraft carrier.

Done!

I don't even know who to call
to get an aircraft carrier.

- Isn't your wife the governor?
- The state doesn't have a navy, Earl.

If we can't get him an aircraft carrier,
we've got to throw him a prom.

Prom?

A prison prom?

I know, it's crazy, isn't it?

Yeah, it's crazy.

But I just looked like a jackass
in front of the press.

And it's time to show them
that Jerry Hazelwood is no fool.

So, let's get some women behind
these bars and have ourselves a prom.

Normally getting 50 women into
a men's prison would have been tricky.

But luckily, the warden had stolen
some of his wife's governor stationery.

Attention. By order of the governor,
this coming Saturday,

you will all be traveling
to the men's prison to attend a prom.

I needed help if I was going
to throw a successful prom.

So I got someone who started going
to them when she was 12.

I think my favorite prom
was my fourth one.

Six of us piled up
in the back of that limo.

That was one hell of a basketball team.

They went to state that year.

The first thing I think we need
is a theme, right?

Oh, yeah,
a theme unifies all your elements.

How about that one?

Underwater wonderland, that's awesome.

Plus, my hair looks really good
when it's wet.

It looks kind of expensive.

Is that a whale

with a chocolate fountain blowhole?

- You got money.
- He's got money?

Yeah, he won the lottery.
Didn't he tell you?

He's got $24,612.17 left,

minus $400.

The kids' school was selling candy
and you went a little crazy.

We could throw
a pretty awesome prom for $24,000.

- Wait, wait, wait a second.
- Oh, snap.

A nine-foot-tall purple seaweed arch
trimmed in platinum coral.

It's the gateway to a magical universe.

Things were adding up fast.

But then I thought about how much
I'd enjoy being out of prison.

It was the little things about life
on the outside I missed the most.

Like sleeping in my warm bed next
to my warm brother.

Having the freedom to wear
something different every day.

Feeling the wind in my hair...

grass...

and just enjoying time with my friends.

So there it was.

Giving John what he wanted
was going to cost me every dime I had.

But I wasn't just buying a prison prom,
I was buying six months of my life back.

Okay, fine. Let's do it.

I haven't written a check in a while.

What do I put in this memo section?

You're supposed to put something
to remind you what it was for.

But I usually just write
"Suck it, gas company."

I'd never forget
what this check was for,

but I wanted to write it down anyway.

I can't believe this.

I made a prom in prison happen.

I bet this is what it feels like
to be Oprah.

Finally, the big night had come.

Even though no one actually
got to choose their date,

everyone seemed happy
to have some new company.

Including me.

Depending on who you asked,
my date, Tanani, was either in prison

for protesting the oppressive treatment
of native Americans,

or for stabbing her boss
at the company picnic.

It may have taken all my money,

but it really was turning out
to be a magical night.

And splurging on the food
really paid off.

This food is awesome, Earl, thanks.

People seem to be enjoying it.

How come
there's no white chocolate fountain?

Good man.

Everybody was having a blast,
especially me.

Because it wasn't just a prom,
it was my getting out of jail party.

And then something happened
that made a sweet night even sweeter.

We crown Earl Hickey as prom king

because he is responsible
for this entire evening,

including getting me
this awesome outfit.

I never thought being prom king
would mean so much,

mostly because I didn't know
proms had kings.

Well, now that I knew it, it felt great.

Thank you, fellow creatures of the sea.

Then I realized this crown
would mean even more to someone else.

But you know who we should really
be thanking for all of this?

Jesus?

Well, okay, but I was thinking
of someone a little more on our level.

The pope?

Okay, church guy, stop answering.

I'm just going to tell you.

- It's John.
- John the baptist?

No, John the artist.

He's the real prom king.

Without him,
none of this would har happened.

Sure, John was prickly andemanding,

but underneath that he was a sad kid
who had missed out on a lot in life.

And I was glad to give some of it back.

Especially since I was getting
six months of my own life back, too.

Thank you...
For giving this another chance.

Things are going to be
a little different this time.

Oh, there they are,
Mr. And Mrs. Hitler.

Go back to communist Russia.

You're a terrible son and
you know nothing about history.

I got elected prom king. I'm the king,
everybody loves me except for you, -

because you're both fat failures
who don't know how to love.

How dare you!

What the hell was that?

You promised me you were going
to make up with your parents.

What do you want from me?
I saw them again and I went off.

We had a deal.
I spent every dime I had on you.

And all I have for it
are pictures of me -

and a short chick who didn't
even put out at the prom.

My parents treated me like crap,
so now I treat other people like crap.

It's out of my control, Earl.

You still make your own decisions.

Anything bad I do isn't my fault.
It's theirs for being lousy parents.

My middle name is Lou... John Lou.

There's two toilets in my name, Earl.
I never had a chance!

Right then,
something inside me just snapped.

I don't know if it was cause
I'd been in prison for too many months, -

or the fact that this punk
was keeping me in for six more, -

but all I wanted to do
was make him suffer.

I wanted to take everything from him -

like he took everything
from me and his parents.

What are you doing?

Hey, you treated me like crap,
so now I treat other people like crap.

It's out of my control.

My prom picture, my painting...

you son of a bitch!

Oh, I'm sorry, did I hit you?

Well, don't blame me, because
anything bad I do isn't my fault, -

it's your fault. Including this.

This isn't over, Hickey.

I wasn't proud of what I did -

and doing it didn't actually
make me feel any better.

Plus, John promised there'd be payback.

And there was.

Just wasn't the payback I expected.

Turned out the more John blamed me
for burning down his cell, -

the more he admit
he should blame himself -

for what he had done to his parents.

And he knew he needed to make it right.

Turns out all the time John spent stoned
staring at the wall had a benefit.

He memorized every
family photo in that wall.

Photos that John's parents
assumed were lost forever.

Which was reasonable, since they'd
all been destroyed in the house fire.

And John had found a way -

to give them back something
they thought they'd never see again.

It was the best reconciliation
John's parents could have hoped for.

And most importantly for me, -

the warden was going to look
good in front of his wife.

Earl, that was amazing.

You really understand
the psychology of the criminal mind.

You're like the scumbag whisperer.

I'm just glad everything
turned out so well, sir.

And for somebody,
it's only going to get better.

Here's 6 more months off your sentence.

Thank you, sir.
Thank you so much.

No, Earl, thank you
for bailing me out one more time.

Honestly, I don't know what I would
do here without you to cover my ass.

Well, I guess you're going
to find out tomorrow.

Thanks again, sir.