My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 3, Episode 8 - Our Other Cops Is On!: Part 2 - full transcript

[ Male Announcer ]
Previously on
My Name Is Earl.

In a world where friends
are hard to find
and even harder to keep,

and even harder than that
to keep if you can find them,

there was an innocent
mustached prisoner,

his unmustached guard brother,

locked in
a no-holds-barred battle
to decide who's in charge.

Face it, Randy, you only took
this job 'cause you couldn't
exist out there without me.

Or maybe I knew you couldn't
exist in here without me.

Or maybe you're
gettin' defensive and sayin'
everything I say back at me.

Or maybe you're just sayin'
what I'm gonna say
before I say it.

What?
I don't know.
Why don't you tell me?



[ Announcer ]
And a pregnant ex-wife
who will stop at nothing...

to get her sister's
surrogated biracial baby
out of her womb.

Now a renegade criminal
is on the loose
with nothing to lose.

And an angry warden
must answer to himself
and his governor wife.

I know what I'm doing.
I'm a grown man!
[ Grunts ]

[ Announcer ]
Now, in order
to protect his job,

the warden must find someone
just crazy enough
to attempt the impossible.

Because you're both
gonna go out there,

you're gonna get Frank
and you're gonna bring
him back here!

[ Announcer ]
A secret mission that
no one can find out about.

No troopers, no press.
And the governor can never
hear about this.

[ Announcer ]
A difficult mission
made mission impossible.

- Before we go, which one
of us is in charge?
- Would you two figure it out?

[ Announcer ]
Two feuding brothers,



one escaped convict,
zero chances to fail.

Damn it, Randy,
the warden's my best chance
of gettin' out of here early.

Why would you take a bunch
of convicts for ice cream?

They get ice cream
in the prison cafeteria.

I didn't want 'em to taste
the ice cream, Earl. I wanted
'em to taste the freedom.

Okay, look,
we have 46 hours.

Frank couldn't
have gotten that far.
Where's the ice cream store?

It's the one next to the train
station and that costume store,

near the bong shop where
they make the fake I.D.'s.

We just have to look
for a guy who could be
dressed as anything...

and who's anywhere
a train might go.

Last Tuesday, a bunch
of prisoners put a tiny bird
in your food, and you ate it.

[ Gasps ]
Wasn't gonna say anything,
but now I want you to suffer.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Me and Randy were just
beginning our journey...

and Joy was tryin' to end
hers by giving birth to her
half-sister's overdue baby.

Whichever one of you
pregnant bitches thinks you're
goin' next, you are wrong.

I need to get some drugs
to kick-start this delivery!

You promised your sister
you'd deliver naturally.

You want their little one
coming into this world
dripping with lies?

Darnell, you know my word
doesn't mean anything.

If it did, you and I wouldn't
have been humping when
I was still married to Earl.

In that case, the shame
was part of the rush.

But without illicit sex,
shame is just shame.

Whatever.
Excuse me!
[ Pounds On Desk ]

Hey, last name's Turner.
I need to see a doctor, pronto.

Dr. Pronto to reception,
please. Dr. Pronto.

You gotta be kiddin' me.

You know what?
If somebody shows up,
I'll take 'em.

[ Earl Narrating ]
While Joy was tryin'
to push out one child,

Darnell had asked Catalina
to watch their other two.

You can hang out in here.
Don't be scared.
No one died in this room.

They made it
to the stairway.
It smells.

What are we gonna
do in here?

I don't know.
I'm not very good with kids.

No offense, but you guys freak
me out with your tiny hands and
teeth falling out all the time.

Do you know any games?

When I was a little girl,
we used to play a game called
"Hide and Don't Peek."

How do you play?

An armed gunman
takes your family hostage
while you run and hide,

and then you pray the guerrillas
leave before they find you.

And how do you win?

By pulling the bodies
on top of you and lying
very, very still.

[ Earl Narrating ] It felt good
to be outside the prison walls,
but not too good.

Really, are these necessary?
It's prison policy.

Oh, like taking convicts
for ice cream.

No, that's not prison policy.
Haven't you learned anything
from what I did?

What's this?
It's a search dog.

I had him
sniff Frank's bed.

Randy, the warden doesn't want
word to get out that we're
chasing an escaped convict.

Don't you think a guy
in a prison guard uniform with
a search dog is kinda obvious?

Don't you think a guy
in a prisoner uniform with
handcuffs is kinda obvious?

[ Scoffs ]
Glass houses, Earl.
Glass houses.

We're not takin' the stupid dog,
Randy. I already found out
where Frank's headed.

[ Earl Narrating ]
After I'd left the warden's,

I went to find Frank's
old stealin' buddy.

Paco, I didn't know
you knew how to write music.

Turns out it's easy.
It's just dots and lines.

When I get out of here,
I'm gonna find someone
to play it for me.

I can't wait to hear
what it sounds like.

So, uh,
maybe you haven't heard,
but Frank escaped.

Damn it! Frank escaped?
He gonna get all the money
that we hid in the trailer.

Wait, you guys hid money
in our trailer?

Uh, no.

- Thanks, Paco.
- Damn.

I hope this song
is a sad song.

[ Barking ]
Give me the keys and uncuff me
so I can drive.

I'm drivin'.
I'm in charge.

Randy, you're not in charge.
Plus, your foot's too big.

When you drive, your shoe
hits the gas and the brake at
the same time. It's terrifying.

I'm driving.
I'm the cop.
You're not a cop.

If I'm not a cop, how come when
I pull up at the Home "Dee-pot"
all those guys run away?

You mean,
like your dog just did?
[ Barking In Distance ]

Damn it. All right, then,
I'll just have to pick up
his scent on my own.

[ Sniffs ]
Ew! Frank stinks.

How do dogs do this?

[ Sniffing ]

This is kinda small.
Oh, whatever.

All I need is gravity,
a bucket and a Wet-Nap.
Let's do this thing.

[ Both Gasp ]

Oh, my God.

Look at this place.
This must be where pregnant
brides come on their honeymoon.

And here's some extra services
available for a nominal fee.

"Volcanic mud mask,
aromatherapy, eucalyptus wrap."

That sounds delicious.

Is the feminine face peel
just for the ladies...

or can the gentlemen
purchase that as well?

- Who pays for
all these nominals?
- Since you're just a surrogate,

it would be Mr. and Mrs. Ray-Ray
and Liberty Washington.

Good. Then bring us
some of those eucalyptus things.

Extra mayo.
Miracle Whip, if you got it.
And could you hurry up?

Because I want to eat
before the nurse gets here
with that inducing shot.

Mm-hmm.

Can you believe
this fancy menu?

I swear, it's like I've died
and gone to Chili's.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Me and Randy were staking out
Joy's trailer,

waitin' for Frank to show up
and get his money.

And as luck would have it,
I was spending my one day
out of prison...

locked up in a small space
with another man.

Well, where are you?
I'm at the American terminal,
and I don't see you.

Nah, I haven't had dinner yet.
I thought we'd pick somethin'
up on our way into town.

Randy, what are you doin'?

Hang on. I got someone
talkin' to me.

I just wanted to see
what it'd be like
to have a cell phone.

Sorry.
That was my brother.
Yeah, he really is.

Uh, yeah, you're gonna have
to find your own way home,

'cause my brother took a bunch
of prisoners for ice cream,
and then he lost one.

So we can't go anywhere
'cause he's a sucky guard.

You look so stupid
right now.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I was tryin' to get Randy
to stop acting like a kid,

and Dodge and Earl Junior
were tryin' to get Catalina
to start acting like one.

So you've never
played Simon says?
Nope.

Freeze tag?
No.

Hot potato?
Hot potatoes were rare,
reserved for birthdays only.

How about patty-cake?

Is that where
you go like this...

and then get hit in the face
for playing games instead
of working the coca fields?

Just clap hands with me.
Nothing bad is going to happen.

Randy, just give me the keys
so I can uncuff myself.

I'm not supposed to uncuff
a prisoner just because he asks.

Says so in the manual.

Oh, really?
Well, what does it say to do
if a prisoner does this?

[ Horn Honking ]
I don't know. I haven't read the
whole thing yet. Stop it, Earl.

Uncuff me and I will.

You know I can't stand
the sound of honking since
I got attacked by those gooses.

Well, they're probably
on their way here right now.

Okay, I'll give you the key!
Call 'em off! Call 'em off!
[ Honking Stops ]

I think they messed up
on our "cruditray."
It's just vegetables.

That's what
it's supposed to be.

Then they nailed it.
This place is great.

If the pro-lifers knew what
they were doin', they would just
get everybody great insurance.

Oh, good,
we didn't miss it!

How did you know
we were here?

A volunteer from the hospital
called to say
our surrogate was admitted.

And they offered me a discount
on a newborn photo shoot.

They can put in a backdrop later
that makes the baby look like
he's on the space shuttle.

Space baby.
That's tight.

Well, let's not dillydally.
We gotta get you down
to the water birthing tub.

Water what?

Why do you want me
to give birth underwater?

You didn't secretly impregnate
me with some kind of fish baby,
did you?

Oh, Joy,
you're gonna love this.

It's based on ancient wisdom
and traditions.

It goes all the way back
to the '70s.

- Where's the mama in a hurry?
- What the hell is that?

It's just my insulin.
You know I'm epileptic.

You're inducing.
Are you kiddin' me?
You're not in labor.

I'm gonna get inside
your hippy tub and against
everything I believe in,

let this baby swim out of me
and hopefully pop to the surface
like a cork.

Or a witch baby.
And in return,

you're gonna let this man nurse
give me a shot so we can
get this over with.

- Don't give her the shot.
- My body, my choice!

I'm gettin' this thing
out of me.

[ Muttering ]

Now gimme that shot or
gimme a fishin' pole with a jar
of baby food on the end of it.

[ Earl Narrating ]
There was somethin' that
wannabe doctor was not aware of.

Liberty was better known
as Lady Liberty of BLOW--
Black Ladies of Wrestling.

[ Screaming ]

I think you
dropped something.

Damn it, Darnell,
you bogarted my inducing drugs.

You're not taking any drugs.

Fine. Darnell, grab all
the shampoos and shower caps
out of the bathroom.

We're gettin' outta here.

Do you have any literature
on the effects of oxytocin
on the male gender?

No. But if you survive and want
to write something up, I bet
you could get it published.

[ Sighs ]
Oh.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Joy was havin' trouble bein'
a surrogate parent--

** [ Radio: Rock ]
but Catalina was findin' it
quite enjoyable.

In fact, the kids
had finally taught her
how to be a kid herself.

- ** [ Stops ]
- I did it! I won a game! Whoo!

[ Earl Narrating ]
Somebody else will have to teach
her how to be a good sport.

Suck on that, white one!

[ Earl Narrating ]
And the kids' names.
Whoo!

** [ Over P.A.:
"Turkey in the Straw" ]

All right.

I'm gonna get ice cream.
No, you're not.

Yeah, I am.

Earl, stop or I'll shoot.

What are you gonna do, shoot me
with that stupid beanbag gun?
Ooh, I'm really scared-- Aah!

[ Laughs ]
I got the beanbag. What are
you gonna do now, genius?

[ Radio Chatter, Indistinct ]

Bye, Bob.

I don't know
why the ice cream guy
has all those pictures up.

All he's got are
Creamsicles and pot.

Oh, God.
What is it now?

Randy, I can't keep up
with your emotions.

You were right all along.

[ Sobs ]
I'm not a good prison guard.
I'm not good at so many things.

I'm not a good speller.
I'm not a good athlete.

I'm not the brother
with the good butt.

I should never
be in charge.
[ Sniffles ]

Well, not in charge of people.

But of... toys.
Maybe animals.

What about the dog
that got away?

Okay. Well, toys.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I tried to think of other stuff,
but I ran out of time.

- Randy, there's Frank.
- Great. The reason I feel
so stupid in the first place.

And let me guess.
He's not gonna trip over
that rock that always gets me.

Nope. Walked right
over it like The Fonz.

Randy, let's go.

- Hey, Frank.
- Oh, hey, Earl.

You use your dumb brother
to escape too?

[ Clanking ]

Oh, hey, Randy. Where you been?
I've been lookin' for you.

I'm not ready
to talk to you yet.
Frank, I gotta take you back.

I know you're lookin' for
Paco's money in that heater,
but it's over.

Huh? No, I was actually
lookin' for my gun.

[ Earl Narrating ] The only
thing more frustratin' to Joy
than not bein' in labor...

was the fact that
her husband suddenly was.

I gotta stop walking.
My contractions are
two minutes apart.

Hurts bein' a woman,
don't it, Darnell?

I'm not sure what's about to
happen, but I know it's gonna
need to happen over water.

Ooh, that was a bad one.

Hey, Earl.
Hey, Crabman.

What the hell is goin' on?
Did you break out?

Not exactly.
But he did.

- Sorry.
- All right, everyone,
just chill out.

Damn, my horoscope was right.
You better
put that gun down.

If you kill a hot blonde
nine months pregnant...

with her
biracial half-sister's
biracial baby,

Nancy Grace will convict you
in the media before
the first commercial break.

You have to kill somebody,
kill Earl or Randy first.

What?
I deserve it.

I just want to find my money.
You, come on.

- Help me pull the stove out.
- I can't.

If I strain too hard,
I'm afraid I'll give birth
to pooptuplets.

Here comes another wave.
Ohh!
You can kill him third.

I don't want to kill anyone.
I just want my money,
all right?

Now you, preggers. Come on.
Help me move this thing.

[ Groans ]
Joy, the cops
are on their way.

They're gonna help me
get my property back.

- Whoa! Y-Y-You called the cops?
- You called the cops?

Damn. My horoscope
was right. Hey, Earl.

Hey, Ray-Ray.
Hey, Ray-Ray.
Check it out.

We're chained
to the refrigerator.
Can you believe it?

Okay, everyone shut up while me
and the fat chick move this
thing before the cops get here.

Oh, snap!
[ Water Dripping ]

I'm sorry. Pregnant chick.
But seriously--
pull, bitch, pull!

No, my water just broke!

Oh, that's nasty!
Oh, that soaked right
through to the sock.

- Oh, we gotta
get her to a hospital!
- Uh, nobody's goin' anywhere.

Ray-Ray, I'm freakin' out!
Get me a sedative from my purse!

- Can I get a handful
of those too?
- I'd like one.

- Yeah, that sounds good.
- Can I have one too?
Actually, you know what?

Hold onto it for me till later.
I kinda need to stay sharp now.

Oh, hell, no.
If I can't have drugs,
neither can y'all.

- [ Siren Wailing ]
- Oh, crap.

The cops are here.
I-I have placentas on my feet.

You know what?
This ain't my day. I-I'm out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Frank, Frank.
Don't turn yourself in.

What are you doin', Earl?
The warden said no cops.

You're doin' a good job, buddy.
You've got a gun.
You've got us all held hostage.

You can't quit now.
You haven't even found
your money yet.

Oh, what are you doing?
If he wants to turn himself in,
just-- Ow!

Oh, God!
Shut up, Darnell!

You stole my drugs!
You are not stealin'
my limelight!

I believe in you, Frank.
Just believe in yourself.

Okay. Yeah, thanks
for the pep talk, Earl.
You know, people--

people don't realize that
hostage situations are stressful
on both sides of the gun.

People don't realize that.
You know what? You're right.
I-I-I am good at this.

And you know what else?
I do have something
goin' on for me.

Yeah. You two, tank tops.
Go ditch the cops.

Go on.

Yeah, you see?
Now we doin' it.

[ Radio Chatter,
Indistinct ]

I'm here about
a stolen baby.

- She's about to give it back.
- Yeah, so it's kind
of a mute point now.

Moot point.
You said "mute" with a "U."
The word's moot. M-O-O-T.

No, I think it's mute point.
Like there's no point talkin'
about it anymore, so it's mute.

- Trust me, it's moot.
- No, he's right.
Mute makes sense.

Moot? What's moot?

[ Groans ]
I didn't know it was possible,
but I think my water just broke.

- Short breaths, Darnell.
- You need me to call
an ambulance?

Nah. He's just ridin' out
some contractions.
[ Joy Screams ]

- What was that?
- Oh, that's just his wife
givin' birth to my baby.

Look, brother,
I don't know what's goin' on
inside that trailer,

but I suggest you do like
I'm about to do and distance
yourself from these people.

[ Mouths Word ]

Come on, Darnell.

Bingo! I got my money.
Look out, whorehouses of Mexico.

Cop's gone.
Do I have permission
to use the restroom now?

I don't care
what you do, homeslice,
'cause I'm about to go to the--

I see fingers!

Gimme a towel,
the coupon scissors
and a chip clip.

You better be fixin' to open
a bag of Fritos, MacGyver.

I've done this before.
I once performed a caesarean
on my cat, Miss Kitty.

Did the kittens live?
Screw the kittens.
Did mama cat make it?

I was nine.
I did the best I could.
What--

[ Man ]
* Keep pushin'
Keep pushin' *

* Keep pushin' *
* Keep pushin' on *

* Keep pushin',
Keep pushin' *
* Keep pushin' on, yeah **

[ Joy Screaming ]

[ Baby Crying ]

She's so beautiful.

[ Earl Narrating ]
The birth of a child
is a powerful thing.

Even Frank was moved.

Wow.

I-It's been months since
I've seen a vagina that wasn't
crudely drawn on my hand.

[ Clicking ]

Well, I should get going.

Whoa, whoa!
Frank. Frank!

- Frank!
- [ Barking ]

[ Growling ]
You were right, Randy.
We did need the search dog.

So I guess I am good
at some stuff, huh, Earl?

Like knowin' when to use
a dog on a manhunt and breakin'
freezer doors off refrigerators.

Yep. That was a real
feat of strength.

Oh, and you might not have
seen this, but when Frank was
wavin' his gun all around,

I was standin' in front of you
so he couldn't hit you
with a bullet.

Yeah, you're a real good
bullet shield, Randy.

So I guess it's okay that
I'm not good at bein' in charge,
because you are.

Well, I'm only good
'cause I got you on my team.
Thanks.

Earl. I lied about bein'
your bullet shield.

I was only standin'
in front of you on accident.

I know, Randy.
It's cool.

[ Engine Starts ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
But just because
someone follows...

doesn't mean they don't
have plenty to contribute.

Whether they're
little brothers...

or big sisters.

What's this?

It's Frank's money.
There's a couple thousand in
there for Ray-Ray-Rayanne.

She's gonna need it for college.
Or a boob job,
in case she's not smart.

All right, kids,
time to eat.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And sometimes people don't
want to stop contributing.

Wait. Five more minutes.
We're in the middle of a game.

Okay, black one,
your turn.