My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 3, Episode 7 - Our Other Cops Is On!: Part 1 - full transcript

[ Earl Narrating ] For me, prison was like
a long car vacation with my parents-

the more / slept,
the shorter the trip.

Wakey, wakey. Hands off penis.

lt's for protection.

There's a new guy here who thinks it's funny
to pull on your junk while you're sleeping.

The principal wants to see you.

- You mean the warden?
- Yeah. Did l say landlord again?

- No.
- Good.

- You wanted to see me, sir?
- Yeah, Hickey. Come on in.

- You don't mind if l multitask, do you?
- Not at all, sir.

Vinnie's here to shave some guy
for the electric chair.



Oh, l hate execution days.

Especially if they die with a funny
look on their face, and you start giggling.

Then suddenly you're thejerk
who's laughing at an execution.

Anyway, / am getting ready...

to start a program
called ''Scared Straight.''

Not into the ladies, huh?

Well, it worked for a guy
at my parents' church.

No, no. The program l'm talkin' about...

is where we go into schools,
and we try to scare kids out of a life of crime.

We used to bring 'em here.

Didn't work out too well.

Remember, be scared, stay straight.

Excuse me.

He wasn't my buddy
when we came in.



We flnally found the real kid
in the washing machine.

Two months later, he's still dizzy.
[ Chuckles ]

So, what do you say? Are you in?

l'll give you a certiflcate that knocks
another flve weeks off your prison sentence.

lf it keeps 'em out of trouble...

and gets me out of here
flve weeks sooner...

l guess scaring kids is a good thing.

Great! All right, you're gonna be putting on...

a presentation at the school
in a couple of days.

Just pick any three prisoners
you want to help you.

Just, if you pick a black guy,
make sure he's a doctor or lawyer.

We don't want to perpetuate
negative stereotypes.

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ] / was excited
to get started on my Scared Straight project...

but f/rst / had to look after Randy.

- You okay, Randy?
- l'm great.

Found a shady spot in the yard where
no other guards could see me, and l took a nap.

[ Earl Narrating ] Because as great
as it was to see Randy every day-

well, he wasn't the best prison guard.

lt was great.
How was your weekend?

[ Earl Narrating ]
Sometimes / got there in the nick of time.

- Hey, Randy.
- Hey, Earl.

- [ Earl Narrating ] And sometimes / didn't.
- Mealtime.

- Hello! Dinner.
- [ Man ].'/ was in the right place.'

- .'Must have been the wrong time.'
- Oh! Oh, no!

[ Giggling ]
That tickles.

[ Gasps ]
No. No, no. No, no! No!

No./ Earl./ Earl./ No./ Earl./

[ Blubbering ]

- .'My head is in a bad place.'
- [ Sniffs ]

- .'But /'m havin'such a good time.'
- Yeah.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And sometimes he wasn'tjust a danger to himself.

Everyone, this is Fred.

lt's his flrst time in prison,
and he's a little nervous.

He used to be a police offlcer,
and then he molested a little boy.

- So make him feel welcome.
- .'Must have been the right time.'

.'/ been in the right place.'.'

Really? They wrote
''Best guard'' on my forehead?

They sure did.

[ Earl Narrating ]
/ realized if / wanted to keep Randy out of trouble...

/ needed to keep him close,
and / f/gured the warden wouldn't mind.

Good news, Randy.

The warden thinks
you should be the guard...

- to escort us on the Scared Straight project.
- Cool!

l was worried he thought
l was an idiot...

when he saw me fall
out of that guard tower.

l guess when l said,
''l meant to do that,'' he believed me.

[ Earl Narrating ]
/ was trying to help Randy stay out of trouble...

and a very pregnantJoy
was trying to get out ofbed.

Oh, thank God you're here.
l'm stuck again.

This mattress is pressing against me
like a creepy uncle.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Recently,Joy had found out that Liberty...

her lifelong enemy,
was also her lifelong half-sister.

And after putting aside
their differences...

/oy agreed to be Liberty
and Ray-Ray's surrogate mom.

- Baby, l told you you needed to stay in the middle.
- l was in the middle.

That damn monster truck
pulled in next door...

and created a wave
that pushed me into the crack.

Just get me out of here.
l'm gonna go sleep on the couch.

Now, you know you're not allowed to sleep
on any furniture with exposed rusty springs.

We don't know it was the couch
that gave EarlJunior lockjaw.

Besides, when l agreed
to be their surrogate...

l didn't realize they were
part of the Nazi gazpacho.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Being new to parenting, Liberty and Ray-Ray...

had a lot ofbaby rules.

No fried foods, no trans fat,
no alcohol, no tobacco-

You flrst timers are way overprotective.
l was that way with Dodge.

l even switched to Marlboro zlights,
and he still came out with asthma.

With EarlJunior, she smoked cloves.
That's why he likes spicy food.

Also, no soft cheeses,
no canned cheeses...

no antiperspirants,
no hair dye and no g-strings.

No g-strings or canned cheese?

How the hell am l supposed
to celebrate New Year's?

[ Earl Narrating ] And even though
she agreed to all those demands...

nine months and two weeks later,
her patience was runnin'thin.

[ Groans ]

Even though Joy was not in a very good place,
Randy was-

by my side, where he'd be safe
while / had my Scared Straight auditions.

Our flrst two auditioners
are Frank and Paco.

Frank's new to performing...

but Paco did once stab a guy
in front of a big crowd.

Thanks for comin' in. Frank,
why don't you go flrst? Scare me straight.

Okay. All right. Yo, yo!

When you get in here,
flrst l'm gonna mess you up, and then-

l'm sorry. l blanked out.

[ Stammering ]
You know, l had it perfectly back in my cell.

You know what? My fault.
Paco should have gone flrst.

Go in the hall and collect yourself.

[ Clears Throat ]

- Go for it, Paco.
- lt's not too bad in here.

l mean, l made some new friends,
and l even took a computer course.

And last week l googled myself- Paco-

and l found out l have unclaimed money
in Tejas- that's Texas for you.

Next.

l like to cuddle.

- You like to cuddle?
- You're in.

Did you really think
this could possibly work?

l gave it a shot.

This is you.

This is you in prison.

- Any questions?
- lt was confusing, but l like your voice.

- You're in.
- Watch this. This'll freak the kids out.

That was impressive, Wilson.

Wilson?

Damn, l wish he would have
saved that for the show.

Then l'm gonna kick in all your teeth...

and rent you out
for cigarettes like what.

When l get a hundred cigarettes,
l'm gonna stuff'em all up in your mouth...

and make you smoke 'em, like that dude
from the Guinness Book of World Records.

You know why? 'Cause prison is boring.

l knew you had it in you.

So did l get the part?

[ Earl Narrating ]
/ had my Scared Straight team together...

and was excited to show the warden.

Okay, kids.

The scariest thing about prison
is that there's violence everywhere.

- Everywhere. Yeah.
- Everyone's always trying to get over on you.

And when you think you're safe...

[ Whispering ]
you're walking along by yourself...

because you might be
walking around and-

- [ Yells ]
- [ Screams, zlaughs ]

That is such nice work.

- You like that?
- That is so scary.

Just had another thought.

What if the Scared Straight show
had a green message too?

- l don't follow.
- Green- lt means ''environmentally friendly.''

Yeah. The thing is, sir...

uh, goin' green doesn't flt
with the rest of the show.

Well, work your magic. Make it flt.

Well, l'd just be wedgin' it in.

What if l told you you had to do it
because l'm your boss?

Then l would say l could
take the shower killing story...

and turn it into something
about the importance of conserving water.

That's good.

[ lnhales ]
And how about if we start the show...

when the guy bends over to pick up
the phosphate-free soap?

[ Earl Narrating ] / wasn't the only one
dealing with other people's crazy ideas.

PBS? Ray-Ray, how the hell
would l get PBS when l'm pregnant?

Oh. lt's a channel?

Oh. Hold on.

- Okay, l found it.
- [ Man On TV, lndistinct ]

He's listening.

Dipstick and dumdum
want the baby to listen...

to some stupid show
about the moon landing.

Alleged moon landing.

Keep the receiver covered while
l give this baby the opposing point of view.

Consider this, little man.

ln the footage, you'll notice shadows
from divergent sources.

[ Snickers ]
This baby's already smart, Darnell.

He just turned around,
so you're talkin' to his butt.

[ Earl Narrating ] That baby still
had a chance to come out smart...

but it was too late for Randy...

who hadjust been outsmarted
by a pair ofhandcuffs.

Oh, hey, Earl. These things close so fast.

Sit down, Randy.
l think we need to have a little talk.

Okay.

l'm wonderin' if...

you wouldn't be happier workin', uh...

in someplace like the cafeteria.

No way.

Cafeteria guys don't get nightsticks
or cool uniforms.

- Where is your nightstick?
- Oh, l lost it.

l didn't lose it. l know which prisoner has it,
but he won't give it back, so-

Come on, Randy. Workin' in the cafeteria,
they'll let you use the big spoon.

That is a big spoon
they got in there.

Wait. Do you think
l'm a bad guard?

No. Not-Not bad,just... too trusting.

And l can't look after you in here
like l can on the outside.

[ zlaughs ]
What are you talking about? l look after you.

Randy, that's ridiculous.

ls it? Who got you a new mattress
when Hepatitis Bob had sex with yours?

lf l hadn't have been here, you'd have
whatever disease Hepatitis Bob has.

Face it, Randy, you only took this job...

'cause you couldn't exist
out there without me.

Or maybe l knew you couldn't
exist in here without me.

Or maybe you're gettin' defensive
and sayin' everything l say back at me.

Or maybe you're just sayin'
what l'm gonna say before l say it.

- What?
- l don't know. Why don't you tell me?

Randy, the point is, you're not
cut out for positions of authority.

l see what's happening here.

You can't handle me being in charge.

- What?
- Yeah.

You've been bossin' me around so long...

you can't stand
that l'm top dog.

[ zlaughs ]
Oh, really?

You think you're top dog? Huh.

- Come here, top dog.
- Give it.

- Give it!
- Come get it, top dog.

- Give it!
- Randy, look.

lt doesn't matter that you're
a guard and l'm a prisoner...

- 'cause when it comes to us,
l'm always gonna be in charge.
- Oh, yeah?

Code Pink.

[ Chuckling ]

You'll get your stuff back
at the end of the day.

Now get out in the yard.
lt's time for mandatory volleyball.

Randy- Randy!

Ra- Randy! Randy.

[ Earl Narrating ] / was trying to get ready
for my Scared Straight presentation...

but me and Randy were still f/ghting
over which one of us was in charge.

- Not jail-
- No pointers.

- [ Shards Clatter ]
- Anyway, not jail-

No pointing.

[ Earl Narrating ]
/ was surprised to see Randy was stayin'so mad.

But / guess being
the little brother...

these feelings had been building up
inside him for years.

Randy, l told you. lt's too weird.

We can't both have mustaches,
and l had mine flrst.

[ Buzzing ]

[ Earl Narrating ] /n fact, / was in charge
for as long as either of us could remember.

[ Gurgling ]

Randy didn'tjust mess
with my rehearsal time.

He also started messing with my meals.

[ Man ]
.'Searching for something to say.'

Half portion.

Who's in charge now?

.'Flashing lights against the sky.'

Kosher meal.

- .' Giving up / close my eyes.'
- Enjoy your Muslim food.

Regular meal.

.'Sitting cross-legged on the floor.'

- Upside-down.
- .' Twenty-f/ve or six to four.'.'

Damn it, Randy. You're actin' like-

- Code Pink.
- [ Squeaky Voice ] No. No.

[ Earl Narrating ] Turns out me and Joy
were both dealing with uncooperative babies.

And your great-great-great-great-great
grandfather was sent to Asia...

by a tobacco company
to get the Chinese hooked on smoking.

lf you ever go there, little one,
you'll see what a flrst-rate job he done.

Damn it, Ray-Ray,
the baby can't see you.

You wanna show him pictures,
let me induce.

Absolutely not. lnducing's not a part of our
natural childbirth plan.

Your body will tell us
when it's time.

My mouth speaks for my body,
and it's sayin' it's go time.

My daddy always said,
''Don't do business with family.''

- l told you we should have
gotten a written contract.
- Good luck with that.

Before we were married,
l asked for a prenuptial agreement...

and she burned all my stuff-
but then she did sign it.

We don't need a written contract.

Joy and l have a verbal agreement
between sisters.

zlook, l agreed to carry this baby
for nine months.

So technically, our agreement
expired two weeks ago.

Only reason l haven't
cut this baby out myself...

is because a caesarean scar
and my prom scar...

would make a weird little cruciflx
right above my landing strip.

Yo, man, l mean, things were going
from worse to even worser.

Not only did the cops
have my footprint from the casino vault...

but my carbon footprint
was off the charts.

Great job, guys.
We're leavin' in flve minutes.

And Scooby, when you tell that story
about dumping a body in the woods...

say you felt bad about litterin'.

l did. That was the only part
l did feel bad about.

You can go back to your bunk now, Earl.
You're not involved in the show anymore.

- What?
- Your fleld trip privileges have been canceled.

l'm only takin' these three.
l can do that 'cause l'm in charge.

- Well, l'll talk to the warden.
- The warden's not here. We're leavin'.

Randy, you're gettin'
way out of control.

You know what's getting
way out of control? My Taser hand.

- My Taser hand's way out of control.
- Randy, you know l hate Tasers.

- Come on, guys. We're goin'.
- Right.

Frank- Do me a favor.

My brother gets
a little mixed up and-

Don't worry. l'll look after him.
Hey, but, Earl.

About my performance-
Am l doing good, or am l pushing?

- Yeah, it- lt's good.
- All right.

- [ Man ].'/ like to dream,yes.'
- Carbon footprints.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Frank didn't want to push, butJoy did.

She was trying everything
she could to get that baby out.

? On a cloud of sound
l drift in the night ?

? Anyplace it goes is right ?

? Goes far, flies near ?

[ Earl Narrating ] 'Cause while
she promised not to induce at the hospital...

she never promised not to try
and induce at home.

.' Why don't you tell
your dreams to me.'

.'Fantasy will set you free.'

.' Close your eyes, girl
Look inside, girl.'

.'Let the sound
take you away.'.'

[ Exhales ]

Get out, get out,
get out, get out!

- [ Children ] Bye!
- [ Together] Bye!

Great show, guys.

l heard one kid say he'll never stab
anyone or order Chilean sea bass.

They are dangerously overflshed.

Hey, Bob, that was really something
how you got the teacher's phone number...

even after telling that story
about killing a teacher.

l dig chicks who wanna flx me.

You know what?
You guys did such an awesome job...

- we're gonna stop for ice cream.
- [ All ] Yeah!

- All right!
- All right.

This is the last time
l'll bring it up...

but frozen yogurt would be
a lot healthier than ice cream.

Damn. There's no parking spots.

l don't wanna double park. lf l get a ticket
in this van, l'll get in big trouble.

We could run in for you.

Okay, l'm trustin' you.

l want half french vanilla,
half rocky road.

Sprinkles- not too many.
Only rainbow color.

One scoop chopped nuts. Whipped cream.
Don't screw me on this.

- Yeah, but what about Frank?
-Just let him sleep. But get him something.

Nothin' too fancy.
He hates snobs.

- Get him a working man's flavor, like rum raisin.
- Mmm.

- Or brown.
- Okay.

Baby, you've been squatting
for flve and a half hours.

That's, like, flve hours longer
than any human should squat.

That's it. l don't care what l promised.

We're going to the hospital
and inducing right now. Get your keys.

[ Groans ]

l'm all cramped up.

l feel like Bj. and the Bear.

[ Woman On P.A., /ndistinct ]

Whichever one of you pregnant bitches
thinks you're goin' next, you are wrong.

l need to get some drugs
to kick-start this delivery.

- Randy.
- [ Gasps ] l forgot you were back there.

- Where is everyone?
- Silly sleepyhead, did you forget? lce cream.

- What?
- Don't worry. They're gettin' you something.

No, no, no. Randy, you can't
just let a couple of criminals...

go into an ice cream store.

lt's like lettin'
a bull loose in a Chinese shop.

That's nuts. How would you
even get a bull into a store?

The door would have to be huge, and then,
once he was in there, he'd just go crazy with-

Oh, crap.

[ Sighs ]

Can't believe you didn't trust us.

Although now that l think about it,
that was a wasted opportunity.

l'm sorry, guys. l should have known better
than to think one of you would try and run away.

Frank?

Frank?

An escaped convict
and a parking ticket on a state vehicle?

Not the kind of thing that's
gonna get me laid at home, fellas.

l-lt's not my fault, sir.

Captain Jackass was in charge.

You actually took prisoners for ice cream?

Yes, sir.

But l got a receipt,
so if l can just get my eight dollars back-

- Moron.
- [ Snickers ]

l hold you both responsible for this mess.

zlook, sir, l knew Frank on the outside.

Maybe l can help the troopers
flgure out where he's hidin'.

No, no, no!
No troopers. No press.

And the governor
can never hear about this.

[ Earl Narrating ]
There was a good reason...

the warden didn't want
the governor to f/nd out.

- She was also his wife.
- So you're trying Scared Straight again?

- Yes.
- And this time you're going to the school?

- That's what l said.
- With actual prisoners?

l know what l'm doing.
l'm a grown man. [ Grunts ]

- You like your job, fella?
- Yes.

- Do you like your brother?
- Not at the moment, sir, no.

Too bad. You're both
gonna go out there.

You're gonna flnd Frank,
and you're gonna bring him back.

Fine. We'll do it.

Great. You got 46 hours.

- And nobody better flnd out about it.
- Uh, sir-

Before we go, which one of us is in charge?

Would you two flgure it out?

[ Mouthing Words ]

[ Men ]
.'Freeze frame, freeze frame.'

.' Whoo./ Now freeze.'.'