My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 3, Episode 6 - Frank's Girl - full transcript

Season 3- Episode 6
Frank's Girl

In prison, there's no day
more special than conjugal day.

Subtitles by Loky, Jarick and Ricana
Transcript by swsub. com

Which looks better,
throat scar or no throat scar?

Twice a month, the guys in my barracks
get to have sex with a woman,

sometimes with their wives,

sometimes with their girlfriends...

and sometimes with women
they were meeting for the first time

known as "letter writers,"

special ladies who actually
seek out incarcerated boyfriends.

You look different from your picture.



You killed your father.

Fair enough.

Yep, conjugal day was great...

unless you bit off a guy's Earlobe and
got thrown in the hot box, like Frank.

Buddy, it's good to see you. Listen.
You got to go find my girl Billie.

Just tell her that I'm not blowing
her off, and that I love her

and that she's the best thing
that's ever happened to me.

She's, she's my angel.

Your, uh, naked angel.

With wings tattooed on
her most private angel area.

Yeah, those wings cost me a fortune.

Plus, it was awkward.
Her brother was the tattoo artist.

That explains the "love your brother. "

I thought she was just trying
to make the world a better place.



Back at home, Joy was in her 8th month
of surrogating her sister's baby,

and it was having a frustrating
impact on her everyday life.

Your feet must hurt. They're so swollen.

They look like hungry biscuits
trying to swallow up your flip-flops.

I'm retaining so much water,

I'm afraid you're gonna try to swim
across me to get your green card!

That wasn't a very motherly exchange.

Well, being pregnant ain't
a very motherly experience.

Feels like this little monster's
got my liver in a headlock.

I just messed my pants.

- Pardon?
- I just messed my pants.

Walk behind me.

Walk behind me.

Go get me some towels
and some new bottoms.

Occupied! Occupied-o!

- Your wife pooped herself.
- Indeed.

RIBBED FOR HER PLEASURE
ULTRA-THIN FOR HIS PLEASURE

And when you hear the buzzer sound,

that is your ten-minute
warning to finish.

Please hose down all items you have

for-ni-cated on.

I'm only here to talk to her for Frank.

Hose it down anyway.
Sometimes you spit when you talk.

Oh, God.

Not again.

I told Frank no more threesomes.

No offense.

I'm just afraid he'll finish too quick,

and I'll be stuck
awkwardly doing a stranger.

I could see why
Frank was so crazy about Billie.

He said he knew she was the one
the first moment he laid eyes on her.

And when Frank opened up to her,
she actually listened.

He never had a girl like that before.

You know,
I don't believe in heaven and hell.

I think death is more
like an after-party

where everyone goes to the same club

and drinks some beers, and smoke
a little something-something.

- Like The Peach Pit After Dark.
- Totally.

I'm Earl Hickey, a friend of Frank's.

He got thrown in the hot box, but

I wanted me to tell you
that he loves you.

And that you're his number one angel,

which is saying a lot cause there's
quite a few guys named "Angel" in here.

He got thrown in the hot box?

Today of all days?

That son of a bitch. He doesn't love me.

Come on. He loves you.
He talks about you all the time.

He's been faithful
for at least seven years.

Don't think he hasn't been tempted.

One of those Angels is
a pretty smooth talker.

Plus, he bought you
that fancy wing tattoo.

If that doesn't say "love" nothing does.

Your brother is an artist, by the way.

You saw my wings?

That jackass showed you
my naked picture?

No, uh, Frank just... He has a way
of painting pictures with words.

I only felt like I saw it
cause he described it in such detail.

He described my vagina in detail.

Which answer
will make you feel less violated?

That's it. I can't do this anymore.

Tell Frank that we're done. It's over.

No, no, no, look,
you got to give him a second chance.

I used to do stupid things like Frank,
then life gave me a second chance,

and I started doing good things.
People can change.

You're right, Earl, people can change,
starting with me. I'm done with Frank.

And you can tell that jackass

that I'm taking
the promise ring out when I get home.

I see your lady guest has exited.

Please pull up your pants half circle,

if they are not already up half circle,
and follow me.

Since the prison confiscated
my old list, I had to make a new one,

and that day I added
"Made Frank's girl dump him".

Frank was the closest thing
I had to a friend in prison

and I owed it to him to tell
him the truth right away

while he couldn't hurt me.

But he was hurting too much on
the inside to even consider hurting me.

I added it to my list if that helps.

Billie was my whole life.

Now my life is dead.

I got a dead life.

The list doesn't always mean as much
to other people as it does to me.

That night, Joy was having trouble, too.

Being blackmailed by Catalina
wasn't sitting well with her.

Oh, baby, all your wiggling
made Mr Turtle throw up a little.

How am I gonna get
that picture back from Catalina?

I mean, I can't blackmail her.

Everything she should be embarrassed
about, people already know.

She's a stripper,
she's a maid, she's a foreigner.

I'm just gonna have to kill her.

- You can't kill that woman.
- Oh, yes, I can.

A poisoned cookie, just like I tried
with Earl years ago.

I still know the recipe.
It's just sugar, eggs and poison.

Why don't you just try
being nice to her?

People like it when you're nice to them.

Remember five years ago at the pet store
when you made that guy smile?

Fine.

Dear lord,

please give me the strength to be nice
to somebody who I hate so much,

i wish you would strike her down
with a lightning bolt,

and fry her into one those
little mexican cinnamon sticks.

They're called churros.

Yeah, churros. Amen.

I hoped Frank would be feeling better
by the time he got out of the hot box,

but he wasn't.

In fact, he wasn't feeling much at all.

What happened to your shoes?

Oh, I guess someone took 'em.

Frank had done the one thing
you don't want to do in prison:

he had given up...

and that made him a target,

the worst kind of target.

James is tattooing his name on your ass.

That's when I knew I had to make
Frank's problem my priority.

We're gonna find you a new girlfriend.

Hey, man, what do you think this means?

There were two choices for getting Frank
a new girlfriend in prison:

Female prison guards...

Okay, there was really only one choice.

The letter-writing women
who were on the prowl for inmates.

Apparently, these women
use some web site called

"convict match" to find
the prisoner of their dreams.

All we had to do
was make a video of Frank

and have Randy put it into
the web site using a magic cord.

- Say "cheese. "
- I don't want to do this.

Besides, no one's going to love me
the way Billie did.

Sure they will.
Come on, Frank. This is easy.

The bar's set so low,

even that prisoner
that's just a torso got a date.

Oh, good for Pillow.

Then why aren't you doing it?

I had to admit,

it did get lonely on the inside,

and having a little female companionship
sounded pretty nice.

My name is Earl, and...
I didn't murder anybody.

I have $40 in my prison canteen account.

I like taking
long walks out in the yard.

I could bench-press my mom,

and she's fat.

I've never been in love,
but I've been married twice.

I love kids,

but that's not what got me in here.

I'm not saying anyone's ever actually
confused me with Tom Selleck,

but I do get a lot of, "Hey, Magnum. "

Joy was working to solve her problem
by being nice to someone she hated.

Brought you a present.

It's a donkey... for you.

Just because we're friends.

Now, the stick...

The stick, you're gonna have to earn.

Give me your cell phone and it's yours.

Then you can get
all the mexican candy inside

that your people like
to break their teeth on.

Actually, Joy,
I'm gonna keep my phone...

the donkey...

and I would like the stick.

That's not the deal, friend.

- Would anybody like to see Joy...?
- Take the stick!

Take it, take it, take it!
Take the stick.

I thought you had her, baby.

I just got outsmarted by an illegal.

I am so voting in '08!

A few days later,

me and Frank found out
we were convict matches for two ladies

who wrote to us
and were coming to visit.

Randy even hooked us up
with the conjugal apartment.

And I'm gonna give you guys
twice as much time.

But if anyone asks, just remember to say

you each had sex with
your own girl, then switched.

Otherwise, I could get in trouble.

Are you Annie or Lucy?

Wow, you're even cuter
than in your video.

Are you in for life? Because I'm
looking for a long-term relationship.

Can you excuse me for a minute?

I got to pee when I'm nervous.

That's disgusting.
You know, Billie never peed.

Frank, look around. We're in prison.

If that girl's biggest problem
is that she pees, you're in good shape.

What you need to do
is lower your standards.

- Annie?
- Hi, Earl.

After a few more potty breaks,

Frank and Lucy started
hitting it off.

Your arms are really strong.

I wonder if my dad
has strong arms?

If I meet him, I'm going
to hug him and never let go.

'Cause he's my daddy.

You want to know
what got me about your video?

No, thank you.

All right, we're going
to hit the bedroom.

So, Annie...

You've got a wiener, right?

It doesn't function
if that makes you feel any better.

Gentlemen,
put your hands together...

for Catalina!

While I was trying to keep
Annie's hands off me,

Joy was trying to get her hands
on Catalina's phone.

El deleto la picturo.

Then she decided to steal
herself a new cell phone

for all her trouble.

Me and Annie got to talking 'cause,

well, we had no other choice.

And it turned out, she...

that's what she said to call him...
was easy to talk to.

I didn't really
commit the crime,

but I still feel like I deserve
to be here because of karma.

I know it sounds confusing.

Heck, people have been calling me
confusing my whole life,

but I'm not.

That's why I'm going through
with this whole surgery.

Hole surgery?

You'd think they'd have
a fancier name for it.

They do.
It's called vaginoplasty.

So we going to make out, or...?

You know, Annie, if I was here for...
30 years or something,

I might be able to justify it,

- but I get out in two, so...
- I get it.

The top half's already done.

You want a squeeze?

Technology.

Frank... step away from the girl.

I can't do that.
I need her to look more like Billie,

- Billie has her belly button pierced.
- She's not Billie.

- Not yet.
- Let him do it.

He's fixing me.

We'll get Billie back, okay?

The real Billie.

You really think
we can get her back?

I think we're going to have to.

Now you're talking, Earl.

This probably isn't going to help
your abandonment issues, huh?

While I was trying to solve
Frank's problem,

Joy's problem was starting up again.

Oh, snap!

Joy thought
she'd put her mess behind her,

but she hadn't.

What?

I don't know
who stole your phone.

Yes, I know what
"already downloaded jpeg" means.

What's a jpeg?
What's downloading?

And why am I holding a picture of me
crapping my pants again?

Billie wouldn't accept
any of Frank's phone calls

or answer his letters,

so I knew it was going to take
something big to get her back.

Something that would make Billie feel
like her and Frank were even.

Since Billie was mad at Frank
for showing me her naked picture,

we decided to show Frank
to the whole world.

Joy decided the problem
with her picture

was going to need
a big solution, too.

So she got out
her poison cookie recipe

and made a special delivery
to take care of everything.

Gentlemen,
put your hands together for Catalina!

Turned out Joy no longer
had the killer instinct

and swapped out
the main ingredient.

This moment would forever be captured
in Joy's memory...

You're lucky
you're not dead, bitch.

... and more importantly,
in her camera.

It had been days,

and we were still waiting
to hear something from Billie.

Do you know a three-letter word
that might have a six in it?

Excuse me.
I'm here to see Frank Stump.

I'm Billie Cunningham,

his girlfriend.

- She's here! Billie's here!
- Really?

Thanks, Earl.

I got to get her some flowers.

You think anyone would mind

if I take any carnations off
of Jose's memorial in the yard?

If anyone cared about Jose,
he'd still be alive.

Tell Billie I'll be right there.
And only say that.

Jose's dead?

Oh, man,
I never got to tell him

it was me who played
that joke on him.

I took the skinheads' radio,

and I hid it in Jose's bed.

Frank will be right here.

- No costume?
- We're making love today.

- Ah, that's sweet.
- Actually, I'm glad I saw you.

That stuff you said last time

about life giving you a second chance
got me thinking.

And I re-enrolled in nursing school.

Turned out, Billie used to be
on a good path.

Frank met her on the day she
graduated community college,

and, well, things went downhill
from there.

Frank was already leading
a life of crime, and being a romantic,

he wanted someone
to share his life with.

Go ahead. Take something.

- What?
- Go, go, do it. It's fun.

Go ahead. Take something.

Okay, your turn.

And while stealing may
have given Billie a rush,

she still worried
about the consequences.

Do you think we're going
to hell for all this?

You know, I don't believe
in heaven and hell.

I think death is more like
an after-party

where everyone goes
to the same club

and drink some beers,
smoke a little something-something.

- Like the peach pit after dark.
- Totally.

But love can make you
do crazy things,

like armed robbery.

Nobody move!

- Honey, honey.
- Sorry.

I know it's not how we practiced it,
but I just got really excited.

Sorry, everyone. Sorry.

When you said that stuff,

I kind of looked at my life
and realized

- I was tired of being a...
- Hairy loser?

I was just going to say loser.

No, no, you're fine.

That's how it felt
when I turned my life around.

Doing good feels good.

Yeah, and doing bad feels bad.

- It sounds so simple.
- Why don't more people do it?

I don't know.

Well, it feels great.

Except I'm missing a class
to be here right now.

Two, actually.
It's a long drive.

Wait, you're missing classes for Frank?

Not that Frank's not great.

I mean, the guy can make wine
out of shampoo.

I'm not even sure
if Jesus can do that.

He's great.

Well, now that
we're getting back together,

I'm probably going to have to
take a little break from school.

Maybe try and start up again
in a year or two,

or 13 when he gets out.

Someday I will do it.

Right. Well,

I'll go get him.

I was in a rough spot,

one I'd never been in before.

I had to make a choice between

helping someone on my list

or helping someone
who really deserved it.

Frank, we need to talk.

I explained to Frank that,

as much as he wanted
Billie back in his life,

not having him in hers
was what she needed,

and that if he really loved her,

he'd let her go so she could live
the life she was meant to.

You're right.

She's the best thing
that's ever happened to me.

I'm the worst thing
that's ever happened to her.

Guess it's time for me to just man up
and do the right thing.

I've always had trouble
saying good-bye to women in my life.

I think it's 'cause my grandmother
breast-fed me too long.

I waited for Frank because,

while I may have made him feel like
he wasn't good enough to be with Billie,

I didn't want him to feel alone.

I think you'll make a great nurse.

Take care, Earl.

How did it go?

I felt like crying.

Felt like killing you.

Felt like calling my grandma.

I felt thirsty.

But mostly, once I said it, I...

I felt like a real decent guy.

Maybe for the first time in like...

ever.

That's what happens
when you do the right thing.

Yeah, it's nice.

It's real nice.

It's not as nice as...

high-fiving myself in the mirror
when I'm doing a hot chick...

but it's nice.

I was really proud of Frank,

but more important,

Frank was proud of himself.

And I couldn't stop thinking
about Billie...

that there was someone out there
working to do good things in life

after years of doing bad.

Someone like me.

Naked picture!