My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 9 - Born a Gamblin Man - full transcript

It was Christmas time,
a time of hope.

And I was hoping I had enough bread

to make 274 bologna sandwiches.

They were for the list.

#146: Stole Gay Kenny's lunch
every day of 5th and 6th grade.

Hey, one day I chewed up
Kenny's sandwich,

spit it out and shoved it
down his throat.

You think I should count that one ?

'Cause technically,
he did eat it.

The holidays were a time
of hope for Randy, too.

He was finally going to make
his move on Catalina.



I'm almost done with my love poem.

What's something that rhymes
with "cartilage" ?

Or "Florida."
I can go either way.

From the first day he saw her,

Randy had a deep love
and respect for Catalina.

Dibs.

But he was too shy
to ever pursue it.

Then he dated that tiny cat lady

who liked him so much,
she picked him over her cat.

After that, he finally got
confident enough

to show his love to Catalina.

Cat lady. Cat-alina.

We had discussed
that coincidence many times.

Are you sure you want a love poem
with the word "cartilage" in it ?



Yeah, and the next word
I use can't be "hardilage"

'cause I already used that.

Hardilage ?

And for Joy, the holidays
were also a time of hope.

She was hoping she could
stay out of jail for kidnapping

and grand larceny.

And he deaf lawyer was hoping
Joy could control her anger

in a courtroom situation.

Can you state your name ?

Yes, it's Joy Farrah Turner.

Libra.

And you're a resident of Camden ?

Yes.

Now, Miss Turner,

you've been a slut
for how long now ?

You son of a bitch !
I'm going to break

every damn bone
in your talking hands !

And that's why
they were practicing.

Joy always did have a problem
controlling her anger.

This is what I'm talking about.
You can't do this in court.

I'm sorry.

It's just that deaf accent of yours
gets me every time.

All right, I'm cool.

Shoot me another question.

I can hold myself back.

Kind of like the elementary school

held your dopey kids back last year ?

My babies are off limits !

No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, please, don't.

While I brought
sandwiches to Kenny,

Randy continued planning
his big night with Catalina.

The night I give her the poem
and tell her I love her,

I'm going to have the room
decorated with stuff she likes.

Do you know what she likes ?

I don't know.
A lot of girls like rainbows.

Rainbow.

I'm going to need a hose.

Oh. Oh, hi, Earl, Randy.

What's new ?

I can't take
the crying anymore, Kenny.

You're a cry baby.

And you're an emotional terrorist,
that's what you are !

Uh, I made you 274 sandwiches.

I'm sorry, Kenny.

We tried, but
it's not going to work.

Then go ! Get out !

I hate you !
I hate you ! I hate you !

Uh, anyway,

some of them are on white bread
and some are on whole wheat,

which I thought
gay people would enjoy.

I hope these don't have mayo on them,
I'm on a diet.

Since I'm apparently dating again.

As much as I didn't want to stay,

Kenny needed someone to talk to.

Ever since Brokeback Mountain,

all guys want anymore are tough,
strong manly types.

That movie totally ruined gay life.

Yeah, I hear you.

What's he talking about ?

What about people like me, Earl ?

How am I going to find
a man to love me ?

Look, I, uh... I don't know much
about gay stuff, Kenny.

The gayest thing I've ever done
is make all these sandwiches.

Hey,

you think you can teach me
how to be like you ?

Everything about you is manly.

Your clothes, your scent,
even your name Earl.

Earl.

E arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl.

Please stop that.

Wait, wait, wait...

You want me to teach you
how to be less gay

so you can sleep with more men ?

Okay.

Oh ! Thank you so much !

Oh, this is going to be
oodles of fun.

Okay, rule number one :

don't say "oodles"
unless it's followed by "noodles."

That's right.

While I was trying to help Kenny,
Joy's lawyer was trying to help her,

by sending her
to an anger management class.

Each of you has a disease.

Unfortunately,
because of budget cuts,

anyone with a control problem
in Camden met in the same group.

Wasn't effective,
but it was cheaper.

Whether it's the disease
of alcoholism

or out of control anger
or a sex addiction

or stealing things you don't need.

But why ?

Why must I steal pens
and only pens ?

I have thousands of them.
I don't want anymore.

I am so ashamed.

Oh, for God's sake,
would you suck it up ?

Nobody gives a damn
about your stupid pen problem.

And I'm sorry,
but drinking all the time,

like Sheila over there,
is not a disease.

What's on the back of her neck,
now that's a damn disease.

And wanting sex 16 times a day
just means that whoever you're with

ain't getting the job done right
the first time.

And please, having 300 pairs
of fancy shoes in your closet

does not mean Becky is sick.

It means she's ugly

and she just wants people
to stare at her feet.

No, Joy. A disease is something
you have no control over.

It's something you can learn
to live with but cannot cure.

A disease is something
that is not your fault.

I like that "it's not my fault part"
keep going.

Well, you have what is known

as pathological
impulse control disorder.

Hot damn !

Does this mean that I can
get cripple people parking ?

Although it felt a little strange,

no one ever wanted
to be like me before.

So helping Kenny was kind of fun.

Untuck your shirt.

Really ?

Well, I do 20 lunges every morning
to make sure I have a good butt.

Okay, it just seems like
a waste of lunges.

I took Kenny to the Crab Shack
to start his macho lessons.

Catalina came along
to wire some money home.

Big stack this week.

Yeah, Club Chubby relaxed their
no touching policy during holidays.

I can't stand using this machine.

It's too much damn responsibility.

Last month, I accidentally sent
$600 to the Taliban.

Well, don't mess this up.

If the money doesn't get
to my village each week,

the man who kidnapped my brother
will cut off his finger.

He was born with eleven,

but as a magician,
he uses them all.

Don't cross your legs like that.

And take the napkin off
from around your beer bottle.

You are such a stern task master.

No, don't say words like stern.

And whatever that other thing was.

Oh, it's okay.
I'm not stealing.

I'm just finding out
things about Catalina

to help me with
the big night I'm planning.

She likes orange tic tacs.

Keys.

- And tampons.
- Is there a pen in there ?

When I saw that Rosie the bookie
was operating at the bar today,

I decided to introduce Kenny

to the manly world
of dog race betting.

Pick a dog.
I don't have all day.

Ooh, Tiny Dancer.

That's an Elton John song.
Lyrics by Bernie Taupin.

Just put a bet down. Be bold.

Five dollars on Tiny Dancer.

Bolder.

Five dollars on Tiny Dancer.

Tiny Dancer had a good day,
and so did me and Kenny.

We bet the next race
and won that one, too.

Yeah !

Yeah !

And four more after that.

That's when I realized this was
the first time I really gambled

since I made the list.

Maybe karma was looking
over my shoulder.

That weekend, I took my winnings
and bought myself

a Christmas present :
new tires for the El Camino.

And since changing tires
was a manly activity,

I figured I'd get Kenny to do it.

I believe that's called
"multi-tasking."

After Kenny changes your tires,

can we go to the store
so I can get a special shirt to wear

when I ask Catalina out ?

I found out she likes dogs,
so if they have anything

made out of dog skin,
that might be cool.

Maybe later. I need to get
to the Crab Shack

and put a few bets down
while I'm still on a roll.

I also need bubble wrap.

She likes the sound
it makes when it pops

'cause it reminds her
of her childhood.

You know,
'cause of all the shooting.

Hey, tough guy.

Want to learn
how to change a tire ?

Oh, sure.
I'm just finishing my coffee.

Where's all your stuff ?

Oh, I, uh...

I sent it all out to be cleaned.

You know, for the holidays.

Really ?

Why didn't you have
someone come here to clean it ?

Well, because, uh...

because I'm lying.

Ever since you introduced me
to gambling, I can't stop.

I've been betting the horses
online everyday.

I didn't think I could lose.

I kept betting on horses
named after Elton John songs.

Damn Candle in the Wind.

Cost me my velveteen satine.

Hold on, buddy.

Let's look at the bright side.

At least you're starting
to show some manly rage.

And now you're crying.

Ricola !

...after loosing
all his furniture, dishes

and something he called
"window treatments,"

Kenny thought he might have
a gambling problem.

And in Camden, there was only
one place for him to go.

So, in a sense,

gambling was a way
to numb your childhood pain.

It did hurt when the kids

renamed that playground game
"Smear the Kenny."

I told you I had that
on my list, Kenny.

I'm gonna get to it.

Earl, would you like
to share anything today ?

No, I'm just here 'cause Kenny
was nervous about coming.

I'm just making my picks for the day.

Earl introduced me to gambling.

He's super good at it.

I'll go again. Yesterday,
I punched a school bus.

Joy, we're talking to Earl now.

So, Earl, do you do
a lot of gambling, too ?

Uh, lately, yeah.

As much as I can.
I'm on a roll.

In fact, I'm starting
to feel a little buggy

sitting here knowing
I might miss the first race.

Earl.

Maybe you need to ask yourself
if you have a gambling problem.

Hmm, nope. I don't have
a gambling problem.

I'm winning.
And winning is not a problem.

That's like saying Michael Jordan
has a basketball problem.

Or Def Leppard has an
awesomeness problem.

So, why don't you all just pour
some sugar on that ?

Oh, I just thought of
something else I punched.

It was a Santa Claus
begging for money.

I went to the bank today.

I was mad about being accused
of having a gambling problem,

but spending the next eight hours
at the Crab Shack

made me feel better.

That's it.
I'm out of cash.

Ah... wait, don't leave, Rosie.

Hey, Crab Man,

you want to pick a number again
and I'll try to guess it ?

No, no way.

I lost too much money
playing that game yesterday.

Sixteen.

Whoa.

You're like a X-Man or something.

If you're looking for some action,

I've got a little thing I do.

Around 2:00 a.m. tonight,
down in East Camden.

You know that alley where them
two fellas got stabbed last month ?

Right next to that Dumpster

where them wild dogs
ate that bum's arm.

Yeah ?

There's a door

that says
"Danger. Do Not Enter."

That's where you enter.

But there's gonna be gambling ?

Oh, yeah.

I'll be there.

Whoa !

Wait, so we just bet
on where the chicken poops ?

That's right.

I'm in.

Here, $40 on square number five.

This is fantastic.

Yeah. Chicken got to poop,
people got to bet.

Worked out real nice.

Right there, right there.
Yeah, buddy. Go, go, go.

When the chicken drop stopped,
I got the number of a place overseas

that takes bets 24 hours a day.

I stayed up all night
betting on all kinds of things.

- Earl...
- Shh ! I'm looking for the news.

Early returns are coming in
on the election in the Congo.

I put a thousand on
Moombata over Adabbu.

Moombata's a cannibal,
but he went to Harvard.

Earl, could you sit on the bed ?
I'm laying bubble wrap.

Now ?

Yeah, today's the day
I tell Catalina I love her.

I've got a ton of decorating to do.

Do you think you could help me
build a pi?ata

shaped like some actress
named Salma Hayek ?

Catalina doesn't like
this Salma woman.

She's just always wanted
to hit her with a stick.

Shh, Randy.
Just hold on a second.

And in international news,

it looks like Moombata
will win in a landslide.

Moombata !

New day for Central Africa.
Whoo !

I knew it was a mistake
for Adabbu to go negative.

Since Randy wanted
Catalina out of the motel

while he set up for his big night,

I took her over
to watch the chickens crap.

Come on !
Relax and let it go.

Come on !

Let it go, come on !
Come on !

Come on !

Kenny, what are you doing here ?

I got the jones, Earl.
I needed some action.

I guess I'm just weak.

No, what was weak
was sitting in that room

talking about your feelings.

Remember, real men
keep their emotions

bottled up until they explode,
and then they punch something

that has nothing to do
with what they're mad at.

Oh, I would so date that.

Now, let's win
your furniture back.

Oh, yeah, this one's a winner.

See how he's moving his head ?
That's a poopie dan.

Yeah, buddy ! Come on !

Earl, you said we could
leave an hour ago.

My shift at Club Chubby
starts in 20 minutes, and if I'm late,

Fat Susan will go up first
and sweat up the pole.

Oh, hold on !
He's going for the corner.

We've got 'em all covered.
Come on, buddy.

Earl, I'm not gonna have time

to go to the Crab Shack
so I can wire money home.

Here, just take my car.

I'll go by the Crab Shack
and wire your money.

Okay, well, just make sure
that money gets to my village by noon.

The thought of my brother's finger
being chewed off by a weasel is too much.

That's how they do it.
They starve the weasel,

then dip the finger
in peanut butter.

Okay, noon, got it.

Come on, man ! Pick it up !

Yeah, buddy !

Number nine.

You can't lose, Earl.

It was a beautiful day.

We were even getting comped.

Yeah.

And just when we thought
things couldn't get any better,

we saw it. Mr. Pitts.

That was the name
of our fifth grade teacher.

It wasn't his real name,
we just called him that

'cause he could sweat
through two shirts and a blazer.

Mr. Pitts ?
It's a sign.

I know, Kenny.

Square five for fifth grade.

We got to go in
with everything we got.

I'm with you, man.

I knew this was my chance
to finally make a really big score.

The only problem was,

I didn't have enough money
to do it up right.

Earl, what are you doing ?

You're not thinking of betting
Catalina's money, are you ?

Why not ?
Hell, she'd want me to.

I'll win ten times as much
and can pay her back double.

Ah, I don't know, man.
What if you lose ?

You won't be able to wire the money,
and Catalina's brother

will have his finger
chewed off by a weasel.

And she will hate you forever.

And what's worse,
you'll hate yourself.

When Kenny said those things to me,

it made me look deep into my heart
and I realized something,

something kind of painful.

Kenny's a loser.

I'm betting it all. You've got
to stop thinking negative.

So, there's nothing
I can do about it.

I have an anger disease.

Kind of like how you have
a can't-hear-anything disease

and you have a get-your-ass-
kicked-by-a-girl disease.

She says... a bunch of stuff.
Look, have you tried drugs ?

A long time ago.
But just pot.

And hash and Quaaludes.

And once,
I dated this Indian guy

and I chewed on
a horse's adrenal gland.

But how is this gonna
help me in court ?

No, I mean prescription drugs.
For your anger.

They have certainly done
a lot for me.

You have anger issues ?

A mousy little dude like you ?

It is not easy getting paid
minimum wage to say

whatever stupid things
some deaf woman tells you to.

Plus, I hate it
when she flirts with guys.

I'm not wearing
any panties today.

Damn, she makes you do that ?

How do you not just kick her ass ?

I take medication.

Calmuvent
smoothes everything out.

She wants to know
what we're talking about.

You don't have to be part
of every conversation !

Must be noon.
Time to take my meds.

Earl Hickey,
telephone call for you.

- Take down a message.
- What ? Take a message ?

If you was in Atlantic City,

would you ask Donald Trump
to take a message for you ?

I'll get it.

Come on, Mr. Pitts.
Right there, buddy.

- Hello ?
- Number five

Kenny, it's Randy.

There's a problem with Catalina.

What ? Is she okay ?

Come on, Mr. Pitts.
Don't be a tease.

If you're gonna squat like that,
do something.

That was Randy.
Catalina's in trouble. We have to...

- Ah, one more minute.
- Earl,

- there's a problem with Catalina...
- Hang on !

Bear down, buddy.
You're in the zone.

She got pulled over
by the cops, Earl, she...

Quiet, Kenny !
You're gonna mush my bet !

Five, five, five !

Catalina was speeding.

The cops stopped her
and took her away.

She could get deported.

Kenny told me that
Catalina was speeding

'cause she was late for work.

When the police pulled her over,
they saw her license

and quickly realized her name
wasn't Jane Driver

and she didn't live
in Go-Cart Country.

So, she tried to make a run for it.

Unfortunately, she had already
put on her stripper shoes.

You pig !

Oink, oink, oink, oink,
oink, oink, oink, oink, oink !

Let go of me ! Let go !

Number five.
You win again.

It was my fault
Catalina got arrested.

She was late for work
'cause I wouldn't leave.

I did have a gambling addiction.

And even though it
hadn't cost me a dime,

it cost me stuff a whole lot
more important than money.

Don't worry, Randy.
We'll get her back.

It's too late, Earl.

They took her to Immigration.

They're gonna deport her.

But even when
it doesn't seem like it,

Christmas is still a time of hope.

Kenny was hoping
to get his life back on track.

He finally realized
the way to become a real man

wasn't by following me around,
it was by facing his problems and,

well, getting help.

And Joy was hoping
she finally found a cure

for her anger disease.

So you can take that
with your birth control pill ?

I don't take birth control pills.

What ?

Randy was hoping
he'd get the chance

to tell Catalina
how he felt about her.

And I was hoping I'd be able
to fix all the problems I caused

and we'd we all be back
together again.

So, a few days later,
we found out where Catalina was

and headed off to bring her back.

Transcript: Raceman

Synchro: Dingo