My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 8 - Robbed a Stoner Blind - full transcript

Camden County
was having a heat wave.

Me and Randy wanted
to cool off in the pool.

Unfortunately,
we weren't the only ones.

When do you think the mice
are going to be done swimming ?

I think they are done Randy.

They're just never
getting out of the pool.

We can soak our feet in these,

but my manager says
we got to put the ice

back in the machines
when we're finished.

I wish we had air conditioning.

What Randy said got me
thinking about someone else



who probably wished
he had air conditioning.

He's #26 on my list.

A few years back while Camden

was in the middle
of another heat wave,

me and Randy were
in the middle of a crime wave.

Usually, we broke into houses
looking for cool stuff.

During the heat wave,
we were happy just to find cool.

Man, if everyone
who had one of these

would just open up
their doors and share,

we wouldn't have
this stupid heat wave.

I'm going shirts up.

Hey...

- Hey...
- Hey...

You guys want a sandwich ?



Luckily for us,
Woody smoked a lot of weed,

and it never crossed his mind
that we were burglars.

He just assumed
we were people he knew.

I could eat.

The right and proper thing to do

would have been
to clean him out and move on,

but because of the heat wave,
we decided to rob

one piece at a time
and enjoy the cool air.

We thought we were busted for sure
when Woody caught us

rolling his fridge through
the living room.

But apparently,
something called the munchies

made it hard for him
to concentrate on things, like,

well, where the hell he was.

We even tried smoking weed
for the first time,

but it wasn't for us.

I kept having to check
to see if I peed myself.

And poor Randy was so high,
he spent four and a half hours

looking for his nose.

Seriously, guys,
did you hide it from me ?

Eventually, there was
only one thing left to steal.

Go, go, go !

Hey, Woody.

Uh, just adjusting the air here.

I was sad to leave, but

once we took the AC, well,
there was no reason to stay.

Come on, Randy,
it's time to take care of #26.

I need to give
that stoner guy his AC back.

It's too hot
I can't take it anymore !

Nice splash, Randy.
That got most of the mice out.

We sold everything we took
from Woody except for the AC,

which was still at Joy's.

- Hey Crab Man.
- Hey Earl.

What is that thing, a robot ?

My deaf lawyer said that
if I could pass a lie detector test

saying that I didn't steal that truck,
it'll help my case.

So, I stole this old one
from a swap meet.

Don't bother trying to explain
the irony ; she doesn't see it.

Look, I got bad news.

I need to take your air conditioner
back to the guy I stole it from.

Well, you're out of luck.
We don't have an AC anymore.

All right,
we do have an air conditioner,

but it's not the one you stole.

Darnell,

unhook me from this thing so I can have
a normal conversation with Earl.

Sorry, Joy, I'm taking it.

Fine !

It's got nasty yellow
jackets in it anyway.

Hope you get stung.

Could you hook me up
to the machine

and ask it if I'm ever
gonna get married ?

Well, I can tell you
the answer to that.

We stopped by Woody's apartment,

but his landlord told us
he'd moved out

a couple of years before.

Luckily, he left
a forwarding address.

This is it.

Man, these hippies
are crazy, Randy.

That dude just ate something
that was growing out of the ground.

You think that's weird.

There's a chick over there
squeezing on a goat's ta-tas.

All right, look, we'll just get this
over with and get out of here.

Uh, excuse me.

Uh, excuse me.

Can I help you ?

- There's a naked old lady in the bush...
- I know Randy.

- What do we do ? What do we do ?
- Just don't panic. Don't panic.

- Randy, you're panicking.
- What do we do ?

Don't panic ! Don't panic !

Hello. Uh, ma'am,
we're looking for a guy named

Woody Maruzak.

He's over there fixing that house.

I'll show you.

No no. We'll find him.

Woody ?

Earl and Randy Hickey.

Hey, Earl and Randy Hickey.

Look, I got to warn you.

There's a naked old lady
in your bushes.

Oh, yeah, that's Nora ;
she's a nudist.

Kind of weird, if you ask me.
But then again,

it might be a little weird
that I live in a dung cottage.

What's dung ?
'Cause it smells like cow ploppies.

Well, it's got cow ploppies in it,

along with straw
and a little mud for insulation.

Well, what do you know ?

Cow crap houses.
That's interesting.

Not interesting, Earl, crazy.

He puts poo on his walls.
That's what crazy people do.

While Randy
tried to fight the smell,

I explained to Woody about my list
and why I was there.

And it took a little longer than normal 'cause

not all of Woody's brain cells
have quite grown back yet.

That's great,
that is really beautiful.

You've really changed your life.
I'm proud of you.

I got to be honest, though.
I have no idea who you are.

I don't know if you know this,
but I used to partake

a little bit in the doobage.

In fact, thanks to the drugs,

there were huge sections
of Woody's life he didn't remember.

Until he woke up one day out of pot
and accidentally sober.

They say you never change your life
until you've really hit bottom.

And it helps that you hit it
from a thousand feet up.

That's when I quit drugs and moved
up here to Sunshine Collective.

We're an off-the-grid commune,
totally self-sufficient,

grow our own food and live
completely free of electricity.

Man, that weed stays in your system
a long time, doesn't it ?

So, where do you want me
to put the AC ?

And don't worry,
I'm going to take you shopping

for the other stuff we stole.

No can do, Earl.

I don't need any of those items
of convenience anymore.

But I got to do something,
or I can't cross you off my list.

Hmm. Well, I see your pickle.

Hmm. How about this ?
You and your brother,

you both seem like you're
pretty good polluters.

What makes you say that ?

You've been here a half hour
and your car's still running.

Oh, no, that's just
so we can keep the fan on.

We got a couple of Styrofoam cups
of soda in it we want to keep cool.

Well, how about this ?

Why don't you stay with us for a week,
see what we're all about ?

At the very least, you'll reduce
your eco footprint while you're here.

You sure you don't want
a radio or something ?

We got one back at the motel
that doesn't even take electricity.

We put batteries in it.

I'm sorry,
that's all I can think of.

Just one week, right ?

Don't worry,
you're going to love it.

Hey, Nora !

Do you mind if these boys
bunk with you for a few days ?

I call a middle.

...had straw mattresses,

which were actually comfortable

once you got used to the straw
poking in your back.

We should get out of here, Earl.

This place isn't natural.

You know what someone
told me last night ?

They said they don't believe
in plastic.

That's just crazy !
Plastic exists ; I've seen it.

We can't leave, Randy.

Sometimes I just have to deal
with strange people on this list.

Morning, dudes ;
time to get to work.

- Okay, see you when you get back.
- No no. You guys got to work.

With you guys here,
we got two more mouths to feed.

Up and at them !

You heard him.

Let's do this.

Five more minutes.

Come on, Randy,
wakey, wakey, hands up.

Randy, Randy, Randy,
there's a snake.

Randy, get up,
there's a snake !

The first day, we learned that
being off the grid

means stuff that should be easy
took a lot of work.

First, you search
the woods for fallen branches.

Then you drag them back here,

you debark the wood
for the mulch pile,

then you chop the rest
to fire up the boiler.

Then, after about three hours,

you got five minutes of hot water.

Now, if you take your shower,

you clean the soot from the boiler,
you put it in the ash pit,

and then we can make soap
out if it later.

Guess who won't be taking showers.

Yeah.

The second day,

we learned that stuff
that should be complicated

was way too simple.

The bathroom is a bucket, Earl.

Of course it is, Randy.

Where do you think all
this compost comes from ?

The third day,
we learned these hippie people

could do some
pretty amazing things.

So you guys can make
your own shirts ?

We make a lot of our
own clothes on this loom.

Fruit of the loom.

It all makes sense now.

And every day, we learned
when you grow your own food,

you get vegetables at every meal.

Even if they try to fool you
into thinking it's something else.

Hey, that's a fine-looking
"burrito".

Ooh...

"Pizza."

You got to love beet-loaf.

I need to eat an animal.

As the week went on,
Randy wasn't doing well.

And by the sixth day,
I was really worried about him.

Hey, guys.

I know you've been having
a little trouble

unplugging from the grid,
so I spoke to the gang.

We thought we'd give you
a little treat.

You like the TV show "Friends" ?

Yeah.

We thought we'd put it on for you.
Cheer you up a little. Come on.

Hi, Joey.

Hi, Rachel.

How you doing ?

What's happening ?

These are real people.
Where's the TV ?

We don't have a TV, but
one of our members was a huge fan.

Today's episode is loosely
based on what she remembers of

"The One With the Evil Orthodontist."

Hey...

it's Chandler.

Hey, Chandler,
is it hot out today ?

Could it be any hotter ?

Whoa, did I just say that out loud ?
Hey, Ross has a monkey.

Oh, man, I've seen this episode.

Chandler hooks up with Monica.

This sucks !
I want to watch real TV.

I want real food.

Sorry everyone.
When my brother gets hungry,

he gets kind of like an angry,
dizzy hulk thing going on.

That's the angry part.

And that's the dizzy part.

Watching those weirdoes
help Randy made me feel

a little ashamed for how
I'd been judging them.

They were good people,
even if they were a little nutty.

Whoa, don't lick that.

But it smells
like butter and syrup.

It's potent stuff, man,

made from herbs
and roots from the woods.

Just put it on once a day, okay ?

Crazy day, huh ?
Want some wine ?

We made it out of
grapes from our garden.

You guys make your own wine ?

I tried to make tequila once, but

I didn't know
what was in it besides worms.

Pretty gross...
still got me drunk, though.

That is not bad.

I got to say,
I don't get it, Woody.

You're all so smart.

Why do you live
in such a dumb way ?

Because it's good
for the environment.

If we want our children
and our children's children

to keep living on Earth,

we got to keep reducing
greenhouse gases

and reverse global warming.

You know what
global warming is, right ?

Chemistry, geography, algebra,

vocabulary... Nope.

All right, come with me ;
I want to show you a presentation

I give at the high school.

I hated high school,
and I tend to hate presentations,

but to my surprise,
Woody's little show didn't suck.

As a result of fossil fuel use,

and if the glaciers
keep melting at this rate,

in 20 years,
Camden County will look like this !

And because of warming,
deadly diseases like West Nile

are spreading like wildfire
and will kill you.

Now, do you want to die a virgin ?

Sorry, that's in there
for the high school kids.

Really shakes them up.

And this is what CO-2 levels
will look like in 10 years.

You know what we do then ?

Nothing ! 'Cause it'll be too late.

We'll all just sit around
and watch each other fry

like we're bugs in a zapper.

Poof ! Poof ! Poof ! Poof !

By the end, I was freaking out.

And I could tell by
the look on Randy's face

he was freaking out, too.

Hey, this is messed up, man.
Does anyone else know about this ?

'Cause we should tell the President.

People know ;
they just don't want to change.

Well, not me, Woody.

You've really opened my eyes.

Me and my brother are never going
to look at the world the same again.

Right, buddy ?

When we finished
our week with Woody,

I was anxious to get back to Camden
and start saving the planet.

Bye, Randy.

Nice bunking with you.

Come back soon,
and I'll teach you yoga.

See y'all later.

This is exciting, huh ?

I'm a changed man, Randy.

We're going to start
living life different.

I already have
"Been wasteful" on my list,

so it works out perfect.

I know, buddy.

I feel like I'm dreaming, too.

You know what, Woody ?

In honor of what I've learned,

I'm going to save
some of that CO-2 stuff

and coast down the mountain.

I'll coast after
I get over this hump.

Good, you're here.

I went through the checklist
Woody gave me and got some things.

Florescent bulbs
that use less electricity.

Reusable hemp bags for shopping.

And look.

Shampoo that's not
tested on animals.

I feel bad for those lab animals
running around with dirty hair, but

if it's better
for the environment,

that's the sacrifice
they have to make.

Look, Randy, I notice you've been
quiet recently, and...

well, I understand how freaky

this whole global
warming thing can be.

But don't you worry,

we're going to fix it,
okay, buddy ?

I was feeling so good
about saving the planet,

I even gave up the biggest status
symbol an American has.

Hey !

Lance Armstrong !

Don't you know
riding bikes gives you nut cancer ?

That's when I realized,

it didn't matter how ecological
I was living if...

Joy was going to pollute
and cancel me out.

Why is your fridge open ?
You're wasting electricity.

You're the one
that took the damn AC.

Look, Joy, there's a thing
called global warming,

and we got to stop it.

What do you think we're doing

in front of the cold
'frigerator, dummy.

Move that thing.

Blowing turtle sweat all over me.

And did you know you had a can
of used oil in the front yard ?

Darnell keeps forgetting
to dump it in the creek.

You can't pour oil in the creek.

If you do, the bar graph goes up,

the pie chart gets bigger.

The next thing you know,
you got a big picture

of the Earth with a sweaty
forehead and a sad face.

The Earth doesn't have
a face, stupid.

You're thinking of the Moon.

Fine, I'll take care of the oil.

I can't believe you guys
aren't more worried.

Even Randy's freaked out.

Darnell, you care about
global warming, don't you ?

I do care.

I'm just not sure global warming
is caused by man.

I think it's a bit anthropocentric

to think humans
could have that much effect.

Yeah. And why does it always
got to be the people's fault ?

What about what nature's
doing to us ?

I saw a show the other day
where these two caribou

attacked an innocent hunter.

I mean, he shot them, but still,

those animals are vicious.

Are you looking
at my boobs, dummy ?!

I was frustrated 'cause I realized

I was going to have
to double my efforts

to make up
for Joy canceling me out.

Then it hit me.

I wasn't just being
cancelled out by Joy.

* They paved paradise,
put up a parking lot *

I was being cancelled out
by everyone.

* With a pink hotel, a boutique
And a swinging hot spot *

So I spent a couple days trying
to get people to open their eyes.

But most just didn't want to listen.

Hey !

* They paved paradise,
put up a parking lot *

And the people who did listen

didn't seem to care.

Look, pal, they're putting
a cell phone tower in here.

- Trees have got to go, I'm sorry.
- A cell phone tower ?

But trees make air, and look,

there's a bird
living in one of them.

But trees make air, and look,

there's a bird
living in one of them.

So I decided if people weren't
going to change on their own,

I was going to have
to make them change.

I figured people couldn't waste gas

if I broke off their air valves
and their tires went flat.

* Ooh bah bah bah bah *

* Ooh bah bah bah bah *

* Hey, farmer, farmer *

And they couldn't waste electricity
when they didn't have that, either.

* Give me spots on my apples *

Here we go !

* Please! Don't it always
seem to go *

Damn.

* That you don't know
what you've got... *

Looking back, I can see
I was losing my mind a little.

* Put up a parking lot *

But I was on a mission
to save the world, and

nothing was going to stop me.

* They paved paradise,
put up a parking lot *

* Ooh bah bah bah bah *

* They paved paradise,
put up a parking lot *

It felt good to hit back
against all those wasteful people

* They paved paradise,
put up a parking lot *

* Ha ha ha *

I made a difference today.

Earl Hickey made a difference.

And in a new report,
coal pollution

from China is believed
to contribute to global warming more

than all the cars
in major U.S. cities combined.

And that pushed me over the edge.

I wasn't being cancelled out
by all the people in Camden.

I was being canceled out
by the whole world.

It doesn't matter what I do !
Millions of people are undoing it.

What, am I supposed to go to China

and convince everybody
to ride bicycles ?

They'll never go for that.

We're all screwed, man !
Scre-ewed !

And there's nothing we're going
to be able to do about it, buddy.

We're screwed, man,
screwed. Screwed !

Dude, your brother
is totally bugging out.

Woody !

There's millions of them !

I can't stop everyone.
We're all going to die !

Poof ! Poof !

Poof ! Poof ! Poof !

John, grab his legs.
We got a meltdown.

Poof ! Poof ! Poof ! Poof...

* Hallelujah *

* Michael row the boat ashore *

* Hallelujah *

I think he's feeling better, guys.
Thanks a lot.

I don't know what to do, Woody.

I can't un-know what I know,

and I can't keep people from doing
what they shouldn't do.

There's a lot in life, you...
you can't control.

I mean, like, every time it rains,
our houses dissolve.

All you can do is keep feeding
the cows and rebuilding.

I want to move up here
with you guys.

At least you guys get it.

Look, Earl.

I have the feeling your list
has really opened your eyes

to a lot of things.
You're starting to see all the

bad things in the world
that need fixing.

But you're trying
to take on too much, man.

You can't fix
everything out there.

Your list is your destiny.

That's how you're going
to change the world.

But what about
the fossilized fuels in China ?

Why are you thinking about China ?

Well, you know,
"think global, act local".

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's your problem right there ;

you're reading too many
bumper stickers, man.

Don't try to think global
you'll drive yourself crazy.

Think local.

Just take five minutes a day to do
something you wouldn't normally do.

If everybody did that,
global warming wouldn't be a problem.

You dig ?

Oh, and, uh,
you know what they said

about eating an apple a day ?

Don't, 'cause they're loaded
with pesticides.

And whoever said laughter
was the best medicine

never had gonorrhea.

Woody was right.

I still had a bunch
of messes on my list

that needed cleaning up
before I tried cleaning up the world.

And spending five minutes
a day helping the Earth,

well, made me feel better.

Even if it did get
my fingers a little sticky.

Plus, once I calmed down,

I think Randy started
feeling better, too.

Whew.

Hey, Earl.

Yeah, Randy.

Who do you think
would win in a fight ?

Muppets or Sesame Street ?

I don't really think they'd fight.

- They're both pretty peaceful.
- Well, what if they had to ?

Like in that
head-chopping-off movie

where there could be only one ?

Muppets.

Okay, what about
Muppets or Fraggles ?

Muppets.

Okay, what about
Muppets or He-Man ?

Just He-Man
or He-Man and his friends ?

Just He-Man.

Muppets.

That's who I had.

Good night, Earl.

Good night, Randy.

Hey, Darnell ?

Yeah, Joy ?

Who do you think
would win in a fight ?

Your aunt or my mama ?

Well, your mom's a scrapper,
but my aunt's got reach.

I think I'd go with my aunt.

What about your aunt
versus my dad ?

Does he have weapon ?

Like a baseball bat or something ?

Just chairs,
but they'd both have them.

I'm still going to have
to go with my aunt.

Even if my cousins got involved ?

Yeah. I assumed they would jump
in as soon as my aunt

attacked your father or mother,
or whatnot.

Your aunt scares me, Darnell.

Me, too.

Maybe we shouldn't do
Thanksgiving this year.

I was thinking the same thing.

- Good night, sweetie.
- Good night, baby.

Transcript : Raceman
Synchro : Dingo