My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 7 - Mailbox - full transcript

Was there another shootout ?

No, some drunk guys tried
to shoot down a hot air balloon.

They got it on fire,
then it drifted out of sight.

What's with the tiny suit ?

Well, a few years back I used
to think it was funny to get drunk

- and pull wigs off old ladies' heads.
- They were always like, "Aah... !"

Anyway, I was at the beauty parlor
making up for it

and one of the old ladies
was so grateful,

she gave me her dead husband's
best suit as a thank you.

I think it's too small.

Yeah, but she said he was my size
before he started shrinking.



I figure in 40 years,
it'll fit perfect.

You always get a good feeling
from what you do...

or a suit.

I spent my morning
sweeping up bullet casings

and a variety of fancy cheeses.

Fancy cheeses ?

People in the hot air balloon
fought back.

I caught a cell phone and a shoe.

I feel bad for you, Catalina.

Tell you what.

You can do a list item with me.

You might get a good feeling...

or a dead man's suit.

Thank you, I'd love to.



Hello ?

No, she's not.

Last time I saw her,
she was floating towards the freeway.

Wonder how you change
the ringer on this thing.

Catalina was excited
to help me with my list

'cause she was hoping
doing something good

would make her feel good.
I guess karma's contagious.

We were taking care of #75 :
"used a mailbox as a trashcan".

- Ugh.
- Oh.

Ew, it smells like that stab wound
you wouldn't get looked at.

Couple years back,
they moved the dumpster

across the road in the trailer park.

It was more convenient
for the trash men,

but less convenient
for me and Randy.

And because things
that are easy become habit,

pretty soon we were using
the mailbox for all our trash.

We knew it was wrong,
but we were lazy.

I found some letters.

I think they've been stuck
for a while.

Shamrock milkshake.
That was a good day.

Oh, man, these letters
never got delivered because of us.

We got to give them back
to the people who sent them.

This kind of thing happens
all the time on the list.

You're doing one thing,
and bam, it's something else.

If you've been watching him do this
as long as I have, you'd know that.

I'm kind of second
in charge of the list.

Since Randy was the one
drinking Shamerock flavor,

he agreed to take his letter back

while me and Catalina
took care of chocolate.

It was never delivered ?

This is a love letter
to a woman that I worked with.

And when she didn't respond to me,
I was humiliated.

I quit my job so I wouldn't have
to face her again.

Should we run ?

No, this happens
sometimes with the list.

He'll be fine.

Damn it !

Oh !

You might want to take
a couple steps back.

Hey, Joy, can you help me ?

Only thing that'll help your
worthless-never-achieve-anything

in-your-waste-of-a-breath life

is if somebody drowned you in a river.

I'm just giving you
a hard time, sweetie.

What you need ?

I'm trying to return
this letter for Earl's list,

but the address
has a Shamrock smudge.

I've been asking everyone
in the trailer park

to help me figure out
who wrote it.

Well, that's easy.

Earl says it's illegal
to open other people's mail.

That's the good thing
about having three strikes

you don't have to worry
about the stupid laws anymore.

Wish I had three strikes.

You will someday.

What the... ?

Darnell !

You want to tell me why I have a
witness protection program letter saying

that your real name
is Harry Monroe ?!

Uh, I don't know.

That was a lie.

In fact, Darnell had an entire past

he'd never told Joy anything about.

As soon as you get out of this van,
you'll become Darnell Tanner.

All the documents you need

birth certificate,
driver's license, etc

are in this envelope.

Cool.

What do you mean
"I don't know" ?

Okay.
My real name is Harry Monroe.

And the witness protection
program moved me

to Camden County because
there was a mix-up in the paperwork.

Some tobacco company executive
ended up in Compton.

He only lasted two days.

Wait a minute,
is Mr. Turtle in the program, too ?

Is he even really a turtle

or is he a wizard
disguised in a shell ?

It doesn't go that deep, Randy.

Look, Mr. Whatever Your Name Is,

I am not gonna live
with a stranger.

For all I know, you could be
the damn Son of Sam killer.

So either you tell me
who you really are,

or you can find another place to live.

I'm sorry, baby, I can't.

After Will punched three more
holes in his trailer,

he cried a little,
then invited us in.

This is such a beautiful letter.

"I know we're friends, but sometimes
it seems like something more."

"Give me a sign about how you feel."

"Love, your buddy."

I never knew
where I stood with Wendy.

We'd talk on the phone for hours,

we'd go to the movies,

but whenever we'd say good-bye,
she'd kiss me on my cheek.

What was the kiss like ?
Show me.

No, not on me.

I can't see it if you do it on me.

Do it on Earl.

Yeah, it seems like she liked you.

I don't know, it was halfway
between the ear and the lips.

It could go either way.

Yeah. See ?

That's what I'm talking about.

And then...

this CD she burned me.

"Feel Like Making Love." Nice.

"You're My Best Friend."

"Stroke Me."
You're looking good again.

"That's What Friends Are For."

"You Got a Friend" and
"Ooh, That Smell."

This girl is definitely
hard to read.

But now that you got the letter,
you could give it another try.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no...

I can't give her that letter now.

We used to work together
as personal trainers.

No, when Wendy knew me,

I looked like that.

Oh, my God !
You used to be hot.

What happened to you ?

Uh, don't mind her.

Uh, she's new with helping
people and, uh, her life sucks.

She came to this country in a box.

You look like this guy's skinny,
ugly, homeless brother.

It was a small box
built for a monkey.

Catalina wanted me to keep
the letter while Will got in shape.

She was afraid he might
deliver it without her

and she'd miss out
on her good feeling.

Where have you been ?

Tracked down the letter dude.

Then I drove Catalina
to Club Chubby for her shift.

Did you know they have a dancer
in a wheelchair now ?

It's kind of different.

Like, for a lap dance,
you sit on her lap.

And if you give her a good tip,
she wheels you out to your car.

Hey, Earl.

Hey, Crab Man.

What's Crab Man
doing here in his PJs ?

Oh, he's in the witness
protection program

and Joy found out because
of the letter I delivered.

And Darnell wouldn't tell Joy
why he's in the program,

so Joy threw him out.
And I told him he could live here.

Fair enough.

I'll ask for extra towels tomorrow.

Good night, Crab Man.

Good night, Earl.

- Is it the witness protectors ?
- No, they're very polite.

They usually hit my pager
before they come over.

What about the people they're
witness-protecting you from ?

I'd imagine they'd knock and then
start shooting when they see me.

All right, you'd better hide, then.

Will.

I'm having a bad night, Earl.

I heard Wendy's still single.

And I started to think
what if she meets a guy

before I get back into shape, hmm ?

Oh, I'm sorry.

You're having a...

a private thing.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

That's just my brother.

We share a room.

They don't have rooms
with two beds here ?

They do,
but not with a pool view.

But, look, it's not weird,
we're family.

Oh, right. Uh...

that's our friend Darnell.
He's spending the night.

He's, uh...

under the covers 'cause, uh...

Look, buddy,

don't worry about Wendy.

It's not like she's gonna
fall in love overnight.

Love takes time.

I disagree, Earl.

When I fall for someone,

it happens in an instant.

Your lover's right.

If she falls for someone,
I could lose her forever.

What am I gonna do
if I lose her forever ?

He could lose her forever, Earl.

- I heard him, Randy.
- I can't lose her again.

He can't lose her again.

If I lose her forever,

you'll never be able
to cross me off your list.

How you gonna cross me off your list
if she finds another guy ?

I don't know.

The list !

I forgot about the list.

What are you gonna do, Earl ?

- I don't know.
- You have to know.

What are we gonna do, Earl ?

Answer him, Earl.

I told you, I don't know.

Earl.

Why don't you just go
down to the gym

and keep an eye on Wendy
until Will's ready to talk to her ?

Oh.

Smart and handsome,
I can see why you're with him.

So I took Darnell's advice
and went to the gym

Wendy worked at
to keep an eye on her.

I'd like to try that
"two weeks free,

better ba-donka-donk
bonanza membership" thing.

I even requested Wendy
as my personal trainer.

I already knew my way
around a gym,

but I figured it'd be an easy way
to keep guys away from her.

Hey, are you Earl Hickey ?

Problem was,

I didn't know how
I was gonna protect her from me.

Yeah, I'm Earl Hickey.

I got a problem.

This Wendy chick is pretty hot.

Not just any kind of hot.

The kind of hot
that makes you walk upstairs

to nowhere long past the point

when you realize you should have
worn something more supportive.

Wow, Earl,
you're really kicking ass.

Yeah, well, I've been
walking up stairs my whole life.

Sometimes two at a time.

And she wasn't just hot either,
she was cool.

So AC/DC, huh ?

I met those dudes once.

- Seriously ?
- Yeah.

My mom was one of the groupies

Bon Scott was doing around
the time that he died.

- She brought me to Bon's funeral.
- Get out of town.

Honest to God,
I even got a picture with him.

It was open casket.

Guys,

I think I like Wendy.

No, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no.

No, that's Will's girl.

You can't do this to me, Earl.

You can't screw up my only chance
to cross something off your list

and get a good feeling.

I need this in my life.

I scrub toilets all day and at night
I dance for drunk losers

who flick nickels at my ass.

I'm going crazy.

I need to feel good
about something

before I kill someone again.

What ?

You said you were
gonna kill someone.

It's a figure of speech.

"I'm gonna kill someone."

Yeah, but you, uh...

you said "again."

You did.
You said "kill someone again."

Okay, fine.

So long as we're
looking under rocks,

why are you sharing
a bed with the Crab Man ?

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
don't drag me into this, girl.

Look, relax, I said I like her,

I didn't say I was gonna do
anything about it.

Besides, it's not like
she likes me back.

Fine.

But if you think she starts
liking you, you better back off.

You're not messing this up for me,
Earl, you understand ?

I understand.

Murderer.

What ?

What ? Oh, nothing.

How are things going with Joy ?

Not so good.

In fact, Joy was so mad
that no matter what Darnell tried,

she wouldn't take him back
until he told her the truth.

* Joy... *

* Joy... *

* Joy... *

* Joy... *

I love you, baby.

I love you, baby.

I can't bear to be without you.

I'm sorry, baby
I got it at a costume shop.

For some reason, it seemed like
it was gonna be a good idea...

So I went back to keeping guys
away from Wendy, but the more I did it,

the more I wondered if I was doing it
to help Will or to help me.

Oh, my-my bad.

You should put some ice on that
before it leaves a mark.

I knew it didn't matter
if I was attracted to her,

as long as she didn't start
becoming attracted to me.

And I thought I was in the clear,

until she made me a mix CD.

Listen to this.

"Feel Like Making Love."

"You're My Best Friend."

"Do Me."

"Don't Do Me Like That."

"I Want Your Sex."

"Don't Stand So Close to Me."

This girl's impossible to read.

Yeah.
George Michael with Tom Petty ?

Are we partying or just hanging out ?

One time when her car
was in the shop,

I gave her a ride home
and she kissed me.

But it was exactly halfway
between my cheek and my ear.

Things were getting hard to read.

But when Wendy came by
to use the pool,

everything became a lot clearer.

Anytime a girl almost pulls
her arms out of their sockets

instead of asking a guy
to help with the lotion,

well, they're just friends.

- You want some help ?
- No.

I got it.

Aw, crap, that's work.

Hey, can I use your phone ?

Sure, upstairs next to the room
with the chalk outline.

I was a little hurt
she didn't like me.

I knew it was probably for the best,

but it always hurts
when someone doesn't like you

as much as you like them.

Still, it was a relief when I realized

I hadn't screwed
everything up for Will.

I brought your shoes.

There's a turtle living here lately,

and he likes to go for toes.

Earl...

this letter.

You read it ?

Uh, listen, I-I can explain.

You weren't supposed
to see that yet. See...

"Give me a sign about how you feel.
Love, your buddy."

Well, how's this for a sign, buddy ?

That's when I realized,

she didn't know
the letter was from Will.

Sorry.

Sorry to be so forward.
I, um,

I once let a great guy
I worked with slip away

because I was too scared
to show him how I felt.

Did you, now ?

Wendy told me about
making Will a mix CD

and how she was
too scared to give him

the first one she made
that was all love songs.

She talked about how stupid
she felt for being too scared

to ever kiss Will on the lips.

* Tell him that you're never
gonna leave him *

* Tell him that you're always
gonna love him... *

The more Wendy talked,

the more I realized
she had deep feelings for Will.

I was doing all
the same stupid stuff with you.

I was even too scared to ask you
to help me put lotion on my back.

So, this... this guy,
this Will, you...

you loved him ?

Yeah, but he disappeared.

I don't know what happened to him.

I knew at that moment

I could make two people
very happy...

and one of those people
was gonna be me.

Well, his loss.

I knew I should've
told the truth, but

well, sometimes that's hard to do,

especially when you have a teeny bit

of someone else's tongue
in your mouth.

Oh, I guess they want to...
clean your room.

Well, I got to get back
to work anyway.

Hey, maybe later we can meet up
at the Crab Shack

and finally have a real date.

And then maybe...

work our way back here.

That was Wendy, wasn't it ?

Oh, let me guess
"In my village you don't kiss

the women of men
you are trying to help."

This is America,
love it or leave it, sister.

You're gonna hate yourself for this,

and then when you go to Hallmark
to get a card to make up for it,

you're not gonna find one,
because it is too specific !

When you go into
the witness protection program,

do they let you pick your own name ?

'Cause if I ever witness anything,

I'm gonna name myself
Crash Fistfight.

Damn.
That's a good one.

Oh, no.

That woman's lost her mind.

What the hell were you thinking,
flashing my face on that thing ?

If you have information
about the missing person,

please call the number
on the billboard.

Let me in for five minutes
so we can talk ?

I don't want to teach my boys
it's okay to let strangers in the house.

Joy, you have to take
that thing down.

As soon as you tell me
who you are, I will !

Dang it, baby, I can't.

When I was Harry Monroe,

I had to give up everything
because of what I knew,

and I didn't care.

But if I tell you my secret now,

I could lose everything again,
and this time I do care.

Because I love you.

I can't start my life over
without you.

Don't you understand ?

I can't tell you the truth because
I love you too much, stupid !

Joy !

I love you, too, stupid.

Promise you'll never kill me ?

Promise.

Hello ?

Yes, I know that's Darnell Turner.

No, there's no reward, Randy.

When I got to the Crab Shack,
I knew I was doing wrong

'cause I had
that tingly feeling in my gut

I used to get before
breaking into a house.

Hey.

Hey !
I put in ten bucks of Skynyrd.

I hope that's okay.

I hope you didn't put it all on D-4,

'cause it says "Free Bird," but it's
really "Let's Hear It For the Boy."

Will ?

Hi, Wendy.

I got a little puny.

All of this...

I didn't think
I'd ever see you again.

What the hell happened ?

You just disappeared.

I'm sorry. I sent you a letter,
but it never got there,

but I thought it did,
so I thought you didn't like me,

but then I found out
you didn't get the letter,

so I was getting back
in shape so I could

come talk to you,
and then this little Mexican lady

told me I had to come
tell you how I felt

or I might lose you forever,
I love you.

Oh, my God, Will...

why didn't you ever say so ?

I'm so happy.

Come on.
We need to leave these two to talk.

I'll buy you a beer.

You messed with my list item.

No. You messed with your list item.

I just fixed it for you
before you ruined it for everybody.

I also did something
very bad to your toothbrush.

Don't ask.
Just throw it out.

I can see why you do your list.

It is a very good feeling.

That's when I learned
that sometimes with the list

other people get the good feeling,

and I just feel like
I've been punched in the gut.

And although Catalina
probably did the right thing,

well, it didn't mean
I was happy with her.

It had been a long week
for everybody, and

Darnell was happy
that the billboard was down

- and Joy had taken him back.
- We're glad you're back, Daddy.

It's good to be back.

But he still had a secret,

a secret he was just itching to tell.

Will you tell us a bedtime story ?

Yeah. I think I have
a story I could tell you.

Once upon a time,

there was a man named
Harry Monroe...

Transcript : Raceman

Synchro : Dingo