My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 10 - South of the Border: Part Uno - full transcript

And, since we aren't big travelers,

we weren't sure what to pack,
so we packed everything.

We weren't going on vacation, though.

We were going to take care
of the most recent item on my list :

"Got Catalina kicked out of America."

You see, recently,
I was on a winning streak gambling.

No matter what I bet on...

Hey, buddy !

...I just couldn't lose.

You can't lose, Earl.

But I got so caught up in gambling,
I forced Catalina



to drive without a license
and get pulled over.

She was too worried
about her boobs escaping

to make an escape of her own,
and she was deported.

You have to believe me.

I am an American.

McDonald's ! Disneyland !

Jim Belushi !

And, because of me,

Randy lost his chance to finally tell
Catalina how he felt about her.

You think Catalina's been robbed...

or murdered ?

Or gone out on a date ?

Any of those would be
my worst nightmare

but, if I had to pick one,
I guess I hope she gets robbed.



We'll keep our fingers crossed,
Randy, but I wouldn't worry.

I mean, it's her own country.
She's got to have friends down there.

How come you always get
to be the bandit ?

'Cause, when you're the bandit,
you always cave in

when women cry and beg
for the lives of their children.

Plus, I have the mustache.

- My mother could be the bandit.
- Shut up, cleaning lady.

Lots to do today on my list.

You and your stupid list.

Numero ochenta y seis :

"Steal the donkey
from a one-legged girl."

You tip over the girl,
I'll get the donkey.

Since the draw string handles
on Randy's luggage had already broken,

and I didn't want the same thing
to happen to mine,

we decided to get
a proper suitcase.

Unfortunately,
my ex-wife still had mine.

Listen, Joy,
I to get that suitcase

my dad gave me
for my 18th birthday.

We don't have a lot of time,
so I don't want to fight about it.

Lemonade ?
It's pink flavor.

What did you do to it ?

Hey, sweetie pants,
the world is filled with sunshine

and pink lemonade
if you'd just learn to trust people.

I'll get the suitcase.

Oh, and Randy, I made
a gingerbread house this morning.

You can nibble
on the roof if you want.

Hey, fellas.

Hey, Crab Man.

What's up with Joy ?

Her lady lawyer put her
on some prescription medication

to make sure she doesn't lose
her temper in court.

You know how sometimes people say,
"Take a chill pill" ?

Joy did.

I wish she was taking those pills
back when you were married to her.

Me, too. All she ever took back then
was cough syrup and strawberry wine.

Made her horny for ten minutes,
then she'd just get pissed.

If I wasn't quick enough in bed,
I'd get punched in the junk.

Yeah.

When it gets towards nine minutes,
I try to get behind her.

Is that George Clooney
standing in my living room ?

Randy, your hair looks great.

Are you doing something different
like the movie stars do ?

I slept on my left side
instead of my right.

And then, in the morning,
it was itchy back here, so I did this.

Well, it is working for you,
sugar butt.

I tell you, if there was
a Perfect Ten magazine

for ex-brother-in-laws,
they'd put you on the cover.

Suitcase !

Suitcase.

- Man, those are some powerful pills.
- Yeah.

Unfortunately,
Mr. Turtle got ahold of one.

- I have to keep flipping him.
- We finally made it to the airport,

and it turns out airport people ask
a lot more questions than bus people.

How many individuals are flying ?

Two.

- And when would you like to depart ?
- Whenever's good for the pilot.

I mean, we're ready to go now,
but whenever the pilot's ready to go.

Would you like a window seat
or an aisle seat ?

I want a chair seat.

Either one's fine.

Passports ?

Past sports ? Hmm.

Uh... well, played a little baseball,
and some soccer as a kid.

No, sir. To leave the country,
you both need passports.

- Identification.
- Oh, passports.

I think you only need those
if you're a foreigner.

We're American.

Turns out even Americans
need passports,

so we went to the passport office

where we filled out a few forms
and got our pictures taken.

And they only had one requirement
when you get your picture taken:

You had to keep your eyes open.

Which I could never seem to do.

Come on, Earl.

I'm trying, Randy.

Then Randy had an idea.

Perfect.

Your eyes are brown.
They look green in this picture.

Uh.. yeah. I, uh...

I recently had
a double eye transplant.

They're from a pig.

Uh, they tried to find one
with green eyes but,

well, unfortunately,
they save those for famous people.

Okey dokey.

While me and Randy were having trouble
getting to Catalina's village,

she was having trouble
getting used to life back at home.

Why are you taping
that old lady to a chair ?

I kidnapped my friend's mother.

He is sick of living with her,

so I'm going to make her
smoke cigarettes until she dies.

This is the cruelest, most unjustified
kidnapping I have ever seen.

How many have you seen ?

Six or so.

Oh.

Why is everyone
taking their shoes off ?

They have make sure
there aren't explosives in them.

Explosives ?

Yeah.
It's happened.

Hey.

Whoo...

- Sir, come with me, please.
- Hey, Earl, throw your shoes.

If they don't blow up,
you get to go to the front of the line.

The good thing about
going your whole life

without ever having flown
on an airplane is

everything is new to you.

Hey, Earl, Sky Mall.
There's a mall in the sky.

If this plane stops there,

I want to get Catalina
one of these hot dog cookers

that cooks the buns and
the wieners at the same time.

Doesn't say it's the perfect gift
for the love of your life, but

obviously it is.

I had always wondered how
a big airplane like this could fly.

Turns out
the ushers had their doubts, too.

In the event
of an emergency evacuation,

please calmly make your way
to the emergency exit nearest you.

Damn.

Uh, sorry to bother you, sir,
but it seems that our row

is exactly in the middle
of the two emergency exits,

so we should decide now
who should go to the front

and who should go to the back
if we have to get the hell out of here.

Sure. We'll go to the front.

Uh... listen. Is... ?

We'll go to the back.

Good. 'Cause I already
had it in my head that way.

And you'll tell her, right ?

And, in the event
of an emergency water landing,

your seat may be used
as a flotation device.

Um... excuse me ? Ma'am ?

You... you just said my seat
may be used as a flotation device.

Is that "may" be as in "can" be
or "maybe" like "maybe yours will,

or maybe yours won't" ?

'Cause I didn't ask
for a floating seat.

I would have,
but that wasn't one of the choices.

All the seats float, sir.

And, if there's a crash on land,
will these seat cushions break our fall ?

Earl, be quiet.
You're going to get us thrown out.

And, in the event
that the cabin loses pressure,

oxygen masks
will fall from the ceiling.

That's it.

No, thank you.

- This is my stop.
- Earl !

You know, you might try sprinkling in
a few stories about what happens

in the event the plane doesn't crash.

Since it turned out
plane scare the crap out of me,

I was looking into other ways
of getting to Catalina.

We could take a bus
for the first 13 days,

and it looks like
it's all donkey from there.

Donkeys can swim, right ?

Hey, you guys back
from Catalina's already ?

We didn't go.
Someone was afraid to fly.

Someone whose name rhymes with "girl,

"as in "sissy girl,"
who wears flannel shirts.

Do you still need more hints ?
Because it's Earl.

Look. I just don't understand how
something that big can stay in the air.

- The wings don't even flap.
- Earl, it's okay to be afraid.

Fear is just your feelings
asking for a hug.

- I like the new Joy.
- I don't.

I mean,
I still enjoy her old hotness,

but new Joy doesn't have
any fight in her.

Those pills make her,
like, Finland.

I didn't fall in love
with Finland, Earl.

There was a reason
Darnell was missing Joy's fight.

Their new neighbors
wanted a bigger front yard,

so they parked their double-wide
closer to Joy and Darnell.

Honey, we're out of toilet paper !

Too close.

Well, go to the store and get some !

I can't really do that right now !

Well, neither can I !

I'm painting the coffee stains
out of the mugs !

Aren't you gonna do something ?

Of course I am.

Here you go, sweetheart.

Be careful. They have bleach in them,
so they might burn a little.

Hey, wait. If there's a pill
that can make Joy not mean,

I bet there's a pill
that can make you not a sissy.

Maybe I could break it up
and put it in your apple sauce.

Shoot.
Why did I tell you that ?

I know.
I'll just squish it in a banana.

Damn it.
I did it again.

- Now I'm running out of fruits.
- Randy, I can swallow a pill whole.

No. I want to sneak it
to you in something.

I hope the pill's small because
I know how you love blueberries.

Crap !

So, to get the pills,
we went to the only doctor we knew.

So, Earl, Randy.

Says here that I haven't seen
you boys since you were ten.

Well, you know, you get busy.

I haven't been seeing another doctor,
if that's what you're worried about.

- Do you still give out lollipops ?
- On the way out, if you're good.

So, Earl, I see you have
some anxiety about flying.

Well, actually,
more about crashing.

Crashing and dying.

I can write you up a prescription
for a sedative that should help you.

Now, since you're going
to Latin America,

I assume you've had
your inoculations ?

- Here we go with the up sell.
- Come on, now.

You want to make sure
you don't get any diseases.

- I'll just give you one shot.
- No, no, no, no, no, no !

No, thank you, Doc.
I... I don't like needles.

I'll just get whatever diseases
they have down there.

- I'm fine with that.
- Just get the shot, Earl.

Don't be a wuss.

I'm not a wuss, Randy.
I just don't think I need...

Whoops !
That's a sharp one.

Earl, the love of my life
is down there.

Plus, she's on your list.
You got to do this.

Why do I have to get the shot ?

They got the diseases down there.

How come they all can't get shots ?

Fine. Do whatever you want.

I'm sorry, Randy.

I just think
there's other ways we can...

Ow ! Son of a bitch !
How did I not see that coming ?!

So I took the pills, and

me and Randy headed back
to the airport to get on the plane.

But I was already flying.

Whoo ! Check-in !

Yep, these pills
were something else.

I liked 'em.

And as the plane
was about to take off,

I left the wild-ride-on-the-suitcase
while screaming-at-strangers phase and

entered the calm leeping-in-my-seat
and-drooling-on-my-shirt phase.

- Man, those pills are great.
- Yeah, you've been asleep for hours.

I know, they knocked me out
just before we took off and

wore off right after we landed.

That's the way to fly, Randy.

Oh, we haven't flown yet.

But you just said
I was out for hours.

You were. But we've been sitting
on the runway the whole time.

Something about
mechanical difficulties.

Mechanical difficulties ?

Yeah, there was a bright flash
and I heard somebody scream.

They gave us animal crackers.

I ate yours.

Randy ?!

I think we're taking off now.
They probably fixed it.

Give me the pills, Randy,
I need more pills.

Well, they're in the suitcase,
and the lady said it was under the plane.

But every time I open the door
looking for the stairs,

all I find is a teeny tiny bathroom.

Let me off !

Stop the plane !

Back it up !

No, Earl, you're not supposed
to stand up during take-off.

Those ladies
did a whole play about it.

Earl !

Hold it !

Sir, we are in the air.

I can't let you
off the plane this time.

I'll let myself off.

I know where
the emergency exits are.

Sir, don't make me do this.

Ouch !

Get the straps !
We've got a biter !

While I was struggling
because I couldn't take my pills,

Darnell was struggling
'cause Joy was still taking hers.

Telephone !

What ?!

Telephone !

Let the machine pick it up !

You've reached
David and Tina Hayes.

Leave a message.

Ciao.

Hello ? Hello ?

It's your grandmother.
Are you home ?

Pick up !

I wanted to check
on Christmas plans.

I could come there,
but you'd have to come pick me up.

I can just feel the Rabinitzes
are serving alcohol.

Are you serving alcohol ?

If you are, I can't have it
with the meal, 'cause...

Are you gonna do
something about this ?

- I guess I'll have to.
- ...horrible !

And is your husband's brother
going to be there ?

Ryan, is it ?
He is just...

Hello, people next door's grandma.

Don't worry about a thing.

We'll pick you up
and bring you over for Christmas.

You're gonna have to do it, though.

I'm not supposed
to drive on these pills.

After being tied up
on an airplane for eight hours,

I was happy to walk
on solid ground.

Which was good, 'cause

we had about two miles of it
on the way to the bus station.

Catalina's village
is a five-hour bus ride.

And we have to get on the bus now
'cause it's leaving soon.

Okay, I just got
to get something to eat first.

No, Earl, we don't have time.

But there's tacos, Randy.
You know how I feel about tacos.

It's the only food
shaped like a smile.

A beef smile.

- I'm going.
- No, Earl,

there won't be another bus going
to Catalina's village until tomorrow.

So we have to get on that one.
We can eat when we get there.

That's easy for you to say.
You got to eat on the plane.

Put it down !

I'm sorry, Randy,
I got to get something to eat.

No, Earl, I can't let you do that.

I wasn't asking
for your permission, Randy.

Um, I wasn't asking
if you were asking, Earl.

We're not missing that bus
just so you can get a taco.

You're right, Randy,
I'm gonna get two tacos

and maybe some of that
freaky white soda they got.

Uh, excuse-o, por favor.

?Mande?

Uh... is this the end-o of the li... ?

Ah !

Let go, Randy !

Not until you get on the bus !

Quit dragging your feet, Earl.
This'll go a lot easier.

I want a taco !

You bit me !

Sorry, Randy, it had to be done.

Fine, I give up.
You can have your stupid taco...

...when we get to Catalina's village.

- Let go !
- No !

Ah ! You're splitting me !

Then put me down !

No !

Randy...

I'm getting a taco.

Damn it, Randy !

- Now I'm hungry and blind.
- You're being such a baby.

You've been complaining
the whole trip.

"Wah, wah, wah."

"I'm afraid to fly."

"I don't like needles."

"I'm hungry and blind."

Sorry, se?or.

Ow !

You hungry, baby ?

You want a bottle ?

Here, have your bottle, baby.

Randy, stop it !

- No, have a bottle, baby.
- Randy, stop it !

- Have a bottle, baby.
- Randy, I'm serious.

If you don't let go,
I'm gonna kill you.

I swear.

That's gross.

We're getting on the bus !

I want my taco !

Oh ! Not the 'stache !

Not the 'stache !

Not the 'stache !
Not the 'stache !

Drive.

Don't drive.

Drive.

Oh, why are you being such a jerk ?

You're the one being the jerk.

You got Catalina deported,
and now you're about to let

some stupid taco
cost me the love of my life !

Here we go again,
the love of your life.

Like you really have
a chance with her.

He started it.

I know the word on the bus
is I'm the jerk,

but there was a whole lot of stuff
that happened outside.

Is my mustache even ?

'Cause that's something he did.

He yanked on it.

No, thanks.

You know what,
actually I'm starving.

I think I will take a bite.

Thank you.

Looks like a Slim Jim,
tastes like a donut.

That's brilliant.

Can't believe you guys are so poor.

This is gonna be great.

My brother's freaked out by birds.

Randy's been terrified
of birds his whole life.

Little ones...

big ones...

even those talking ones
people keep as pets.

Hey, Earl, did you see
what that stupid bird...

You know how when you let go
of the end of a balloon

and it goes flying around the room
making a squealy noise ?

Well, you're about to see
a grown man do the same thing.

So, I sat back and waited for
the Randy balloon to start flying.

But it never did.

He was sitting face-to-beak
with an upside-down chicken and

he didn't even flinch.

He was so focused on getting back
the woman he loved,

he wasn't scared of anything
not the bird, not the shots,

not the airplane...

not even kicking my ass.

That's when I realized

if Randy's love for Catalina
was that strong,

he could make anything possible.

So who was I to say
he didn't have a chance ?

You know what ?

He was right.

I have been a baby
and a screw-up.

He's been the one
that's kept it together and

figured out
how to get everything done.

Yeah, you're right.

Maybe that's why I yelled at him.

I don't like being the one
who screws up.

Exactly.

I couldn't handle
feeling like a loser,

so I was trying
to make him feel like one.

You know what ?

I got to tell him I'm sorry.

And from now on,

if he can be brave
and keep it together,

I can be brave
and keep it together.

Gracias.

You. Gringo.

Off the bus.

But my apology and bravery
would have to wait.

Oh, oh, not the 'stache,
not the 'stache, not the 'stache.

'Cause Randy was so focused on
getting back the woman he loved,

he also didn't notice
his brother getting kidnapped.

I would've yelled,
"I'm sorry," but

there's a time to apologize and

there's a time
to keep your mouth shut and

hope that the two crazy Latino dudes
with guns don't shoot you.

Uh, i-if you guys are gonna kill me,
I have a brother that you might run into.

Could you please tell him I'm sorry
for all the stuff I said, and that

I'm the one who ran over Crackers ?

Cr-Crackers was our cat.

I guess I can apologize
to Crackers after you kill me.

He's here.

Wait till he sees
we have a gringo here.

Turns out their boss, Diego,
had a real strong feeling about America.

At least what he knew about it
from TV before his satellite broke

in 1988.

Hey,

are those Bugle Boy jeans
you're wearing ?

Catalina always talked about how scary
and superstitious her village was.

While I was learning
about the scary,

Randy was learning
about the superstitious.

Excuse me, do you mind if I take
those flowers and that sandwich ?

Normally I'd ask my brother
if it was all right,

but I don't know where he is.

No, please, take whatever.

Thanks.

I need 'em, 'cause I'm tracking
down the love of my life,

and the plane I was on
didn't stop at Sky Mall.

Manuel ! Mi hijo !

Those things that you hold
are from our shrine,

dedicated to our son,
Manuel, may he rest in peace.

The sandwich isn't
what killed him, is it ?

No, it was a scooter.

The charity that dropped off toys
that year didn't send helmets.

Whoever eats the sandwich
from the sacred shrine

now carries the soul
of the deceased inside him.

As the keeper of our son's soul,
you must come with us to our home

so we can have
one final evening with our son.

An evening we never had.

I'm sorry I swallowed your son.

I can throw him up
if you want me to.

But right now I'm busy
looking for my friend Catalina.

Catalina from America ?

You know her ?

Catalina with the beautiful olive skin
and silky hair that drapes

around her creamy shoulders
and comes to rest

on her first-class, ample bosoms...

Jes?s ?

Yes, we know her.

And I will take you to her,

if you will give us
one more night with our son.

I'll be your son for the night.

But I have a white mom
back in America,

and she can never
find out about this.

Back in home, Darnell
was having trouble of his own.

His neighbors had parked
their house too close, and

well, Joy wouldn't do
anything about it, 'cause

her deaf lawyer put her on happy pills
to control her anger.

Can we at least shut the window
when they're running the dryer ?

I like it

it feels like I'm being kissed
by a thousand little bunnies.

Joy, I'm serious

there's little pieces of clothes
in my apple brown Betty.

Well, why don't you just
take your little apple brown buns

over there
and tell 'em how you feel ?

I tried, but you know being in
the Witness Protection Program

makes me uneasy.

I don't like it when strangers
ask too many questions.

I brought these for you,
and I wanted to ask you a favor.

- Can you please...
- What are they ?

Uh, lemon squares.

Is that powdered sugar on top ?

- Yes.
- Did you make 'em yourself ?

My name is Darnell Turner,
and that's all it's ever been.

I just hope
they give us back our plate.

Oh, Darnell, just let 'em keep it.

What good is a plate if you can't
share it with your neighbor ?

Joy, are you even in there ?

Ow !

I just got hit by a hot penny !

Diego liked my American jeans
so much, he took them.

You're a drug dealer,
aren't you ?

Uh, uh, no,

- I'm not even a drug user.
- So what are you, then,

a roadie trying to score drugs
for a rock band ?

I seen it all. You tell Billy Idol
he's not gonna get

- his white wedding from here.
- Look, I'm not a drug guy--

I'm just looking
for my friend Catalina.

Catalina ?

What's her last name ?

I don't know, it's, uh,
it's something Latin-ey.

Uh, it ends in "ez" or "illa."

Tortilla ?

You're here to help your friend
Catalina Tortilla ?

Uh, that-that might not be it,
but she is my friend.

Pretty, long, dark hair, uh,
loves to dance, a lot of jumping.

Catalina.

Catalina's my-my niece !

Why didn't you say so ?
Jump around.

I'm the cream of the crop
I rise to the top

I never eat a pig,
'cause a pig is a cop.

What a small world after all.

You're her friend,
and Mario's her little brother.

Nice to meet you.

All right,
we'll take you to see Catalina,

but first we got to run
a few errands.

Uh, th-they're not dangerous,
are they ?

I've been involved
in a lot of crimes in my life, but

this was my first time
as an unarmed hostage

in a Third World country.

Oh, man, they weren't lying.

It was the wrong address.

Let's send them a ham.

Spiral-cut ?

Were you in there ?

Yes, spiral-cut.

I knew karma wanted me to find
Catalina and bring her back,

but I also knew it didn't want me
to help murder some poor guy

just 'cause he was late
on his goat payment.

- I can't do this.
- Why not ?

He's a little guy,
so you don't have to dig so deep.

I'm sorry, but I-I can't
help you do bad stuff--

if I do, I got to put it on my list,

and I don't want to get on another plane
and come down here and make up for it.

Hey, list ? What list ?

It's a list of
everything bad I've done.

Getting Catalina
deported's on there.

That's why
I got to bring her back--

I got to cross her off.

And who made you write this list,
your president, Se?or Reagan ?

No one made me do it--

I did it on my own
after I learned about karma.

So I took a shot and told Diego
everything I knew about karma.

I told him about how
I was trying to make up

for all the bad things
I've done one by one.

So you say you learned about karma
on American TV, huh ?

That's when I knew I had him.

All right.

All right, I'll try it.

Even though you owe me a lot of money,
I will no longer kill you.

Instead, the new Diego

- will kill your wife.
- No, no.

Your children.

Nope.

'Kay, what, then ?

How about a payment plan ?

I choose that one.

While I was making Diego
understand karma,

Randy was trying to understand
what it meant to be a dead son.

Did you enjoy the flan ?

You mean the yellow, slimy stuff
I took one bite of and spit back out ?

It was okay.

So what now ?

You know.

I do ?

Come on, Manuel,
it is the same as every night.

More flan ?

Tickle fiesta !

Stop !
I'm gonna pee !

Let yourself go, my son--

it's the third floor !

Seeing Catalina
was gonna have to wait.

As bad as Diego was,

there were worse bandidos
in the area, and

he had to keep watch
and protect the village from them.

No, Alf was from
the planet Melmac he's a alien.

I thought he was a monkey.

A monkey ?
No. He ate cats.

Why would a monkey eat a cat ?

Your monkey ate my cat.

Fine, but at least
my monkey wasn't sarcastic

and cracking jokes all the time.

All that talk about monkeys
at bedtime made me think of Randy.

I didn't know where he was,
but I sure hoped he was okay.

Hey, Earl.

Yeah, Randy ?

Do you think when everybody dies
they come back as a sandwich ?

I don't know, Randy, maybe.

After I die, if you ever see
a peanut butter and baloney sandwich,

eat it, because that's me.

Okay.

Earl ?

Yeah, Randy ?

Do you miss me ?

Yeah, Randy, I do.

I miss you, too, Earl.

Cold.

S?, Mami.

Randy wasn't the only one
having a hard time sleeping.

Darnell found the neighbors'
motion detector hard to ignore.

The next morning, Diego finally
brought me to Catalina's village.

I thought the villagers would be
surprised to see a pant-less American,

but they were more surprised
to see a friendly Diego.

Buenos dias !

Ooh, tacos !

Uh, do you think
I could get my wallet back ?

- Maybe-maybe with my pants ?
- Yeah, of course.

How rude of me.

You stay here, get some tacos.
I'll go get Catalina.

I was excited about
getting my pants back.

Between the cold air
and the giant mosquitoes,

I had missed them quite a bit,

but then I saw something
I had missed even more.

Randy !

Earl !

You're okay !

I'm okay. Mami, Papi,
this is my brother Earl.

Ah, my stepson !

Oh. I ate the soul of a dead child,
and if you see one laying around,

grab it--
tastes just like a sandwich,

and you get to have tickle fights
and pee on the floor.

Sounds great, Randy.
Listen,

I was dragged off the bus
before I got to tell you this, but

I'm sorry.

You're right,
I was acting like a baby,

and who am I to say you don't have
a chance with Catalina ?

In fact, her uncle
just went to get her.

What ? I can't see her
dressed like this.

You look cute.

I don't want to look cute,
Mami, I want to look like a hero--

a big, sexy hero from America
that came to save her.

Mi hijo...

Stay out of my life, Mami !

Teenagers.

Yeah, those are the rough years.

Thank you so much.

No problem. And, again, sorry about
farting on your lap, buddy.

It wasn't your fault.

Maria shouldn't have
tickled you so hard.

Earl !

Catalina !

I can't believe you came
all this way to get me.

Well, it was my fault you got
sent down here in the first place.

I forgive you.

I forgive you.

And yes, I will marry you !

What ?

When my uncle told me
that you will marry me

so I could get my green card,
I couldn't believe it.

He told you that ?

What ? I'm sorry,
did you want it to be a surprise ?

No, it still feels like a surprise.

You are a true friend, Earl.

Thank you so, so much.

I didn't know
how I was gonna get back.

Aw...

it's beautiful, it's beautiful.
You mess things up, you fix it--

it's karma.

Look at that. I'm proud to have
worn your pants for 14 hours.

Randy !

I am so happy !

Me, too !

Are you going to be the best man ?

The best I can be.

No, Earl's best man
at the wedding.

Who's Earl marrying ?

Me, silly.

Isn't it amazing ?

He is my hero.

While Catalina and Diego
were out preparing

my third unplanned wedding, I was trying to find Randy,

whose feelings
I'd accidentally hurt... again.

Randy ! Randy !

Look, Randy,
it wasn't my fault.

Diego thought that was the plan.

She's my friend.

What was I supposed to do ?

Oh, yeah ?
Well, if you like her so much,

why don't you marry her ?

Oh, wait. You are.
Walk with me, Pedro.

Look, it all happened
too fast, Randy.

She was so happy,
she started hugging me.

She was supposed
to be hugging me.

This was my chance
to be a hero and you stole it.

Randy, you can still be the hero.
We'll switch and you can be

- the one who marries her.
- No !

For me to have a chance,
it needed to be perfect, Earl.

I needed to come in, save the day
and sweep her off her feet.

Now I'm just gonna look
pathetic and weird

and I don't want
to look pathetic and weird.

Come on, Pedro.

In Spanish, in Spanish, in Spanish...

While I tried to find a way
to get through to Randy,

Darnell was just trying
to get through the day.

Hey, Tina, how much if I can get
this cupcake in the trashcan from here ?

Five bucks says you miss.

I'll split that cupcake
with you, cupcake.

Joy, I need the old you back !
I'm yin, you're yang.

Yin is nice,
yang's a bitch !

This house doesn't work
without yang !

Nothing Darnell said could snap Joy
out of her drug-induced happiness.

But something eventually did.

Beer can !

Oh, snapety, snap, snap, snap.

Excuse me.
We haven't officially met,

but I'm Joy Turner
from the trailer next door.

I passed you those bleach wipes
for your fanny hole.

I hope you didn't take
any skin off.

A little.

Good. Listen,
now, I know on the outside

I look like a real sweetie sweetheart,
but trust me,

on the inside I'm 100% bitch.

I even have a T-shirt that says it.

I got it for a Mother's Day present.

Anyway, here's the thing.

My lawyer's got me taking
these happy pills to control my anger,

but since you just used
my baby boy's head as a backboard

for your little trashcan
basketball game,

I'm gonna stop taking 'em
and come back in three days

when the happy wears off.

Look at that.
A real tree.

Mm ! I love the smell of it.

Love it !

Anyhoo,
when these pills wear off,

I don't know exactly
what's gonna happen,

but I imagine it'll involve
this beer can breaking out your teeth,

your wife screaming at me
to stop kicking you

and your children crying after they see
what I've done to your face.

Heck, I might even rip off
one of your ears

and make it into
a little coin purse.

Okay, then, so I'll be back
in three days

to give you that Christmas
ass-kickin' I promised

unless you decide that

now would be a good time
to move this trailer.

It's a good time
to move our trailer.

Oh, that is fantastic news.

And I'm sorry, but that little Santa
over there shaking his tushy

is absolutely adorable.

Take him.

Really ?

Even though this was just
a green-card wedding,

Catalina's village still followed
all the town's traditions.

You see, this symbolizes

how beautiful and admired
a bride should be.

And that's to remind her
not to get too full of herself.

- Seems weird.
- Oh, yeah ?

And throwing rice at people
makes a lot of sense, huh ?

Wait till you see
what you have to do.

In our little village, before a man
is allowed to marry a woman,

he has to pass three simple tests.

The first is to cross this beam
without falling.

Sure, that makes sense.

Uh, excuse me a second.

I need to borrow my brother's shoes.

They have better traction
for crossing beams.

What are you doing ?

Just switch shoes with me
and listen.

Randy, this is your chance
to be a hero.

All I have to do is fail the test

and you can step in
and save the day.

That's a great idea, Earl.

And then after this,
let's never travel again.

All right, now that you got
the proper footwear,

I can tell you that this plank

represents the straight
and narrow path

that you as a husband must follow.

Okay, bring on the leeches !

The what ?

Leeches. They represent,
I don't know, hookers and stuff.

Just don't fall in. Hit it.

I really wanted to stay up
on that plank

and away from those leeches
a whole lot, but

not as much as I wanted
Randy to be happy.

Damn it.

Whoa !

Whoa-oa, whoa-oa !

Whoopsy daisy !

Leeches sucking my face !

Leeches sucking my face !

That's okay. I can...

No, wait, wait.
Earl, you know what ?

The old me would have said
"One and done," right ?

But karma says,
"Two out of three."

To the hot coals !

To give Randy his shot,
I planned on stepping on the hot coals,

and then stepping right back off.

What I didn't plan on was

how hard it is
to change direction on hot coals.

It burned like hell,
but at least

Randy was gonna be able
to step in and be the hero.

I'm sorry, Catalina,
but I guess I'm just not...

Earl, this is your lucky day.

One out of three ?

To the field of rakes !

Diego said something about
the field of rakes representing

the careful dance of talking about
your wife's weight.

But for me, it represented
the last chance to help Randy.

Okay, that's it. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Catalina.
I gave him several chances

and he just keeps
proving himself not worthy.

But how am I supposed
to get back to America ?

Catalina ?

Can I try and marry you ?

You would do that ?

To the pit of leeches !

I was a little worried about
Randy walking on that thin plank,

'cause I had seen him
fall off sidewalks before,

but if it meant rescuing Catalina,

he could have danced on
the head of a pin.

Yeah !

And watching Randy
cross those hot coals,

I realized he probably
wouldn't have failed gym class

if Catalina had gone
to our high school.

Everything was going great for Randy.

And even when it didn't go great,
nothing stopped him.

I did it ! I did it !

And in return for his sacrifice,
Randy got to marry the woman he loved.

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

You're a good friend.

He thought about telling his new wife
that he loved her,

but he didn't want to risk
ruining his wedding day.

Thanks for letting me be the hero.

You been the hero all along, Randy.

I was just getting in your way.

That's so she doesn't get
too full of herself.

Oh.

Yep, it was successful trip.

I was feeling happy,

and not just
'cause of my airplane pills.

I was happy 'cause I helped
bring Catalina back home and

I helped get Randy
closer to the woman he loved.

And I taught a bad guy
about being good.

What happened ?

Who took your pants ?

Oh, man, that's my thing.

The same banditos
who chopped off Mario's fingers.

This time they cut off his tongue.

They cut out your tongue ?

I don't wanna talk about it.

How dare they do this
to my nephew in my village.

They said because
they heard you were nice now,

the could do as they please.

Oh, did they ?

Okay. Well, forget karma.
New rule.

Do bad things

and Diego happens.

Wolverine !

Transcript : Raceman

Synchro : Dingo