My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 11 - South of the Border: Part Dos - full transcript

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ] How did I
end up in Catalina's village
being held at gunpoint...

by a cross-eyed Latino dude?

Well, it all started with Randy.

After having a crush on Catalina
for over a year, he finally
decided to tell her how he felt.

Unfortunately, because of
a little gambling problem...

me and my gay friend Kenny
were having,

Catalina got arrested
and deported before Randy
could talk to her.

Then, on our way
to Catalina's village, I got
taken off the bus at gunpoint...

and brought here,
where I was probably gonna die.

He's here.



Wait till he sees
we have a gringo here.

[ Horn Honking ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Turns out
their boss, Diego, had a real
strong feeling about America.

At least what he knew
about it from TV
before his satellite broke...

in 1988.

Hey. Are those Bugle Boy
jeans you're wearing?

[ Earl ] Catalina always
talked about how scary and
superstitious her village was.

While I was learnin' about
the scary, Randy was learnin'
about the superstitious.

Excuse me. You mind
if I take those flowers
and that sandwich?

Normally, I'd ask my brother
if it was all right,
but I don't know where he is.

No, please.
Take whatever.

Thanks. I need 'em
'cause I'm tracking down
the love of my life,

and the plane I was on
didn't stop at Sky Mall.

Manuel. ¡Mi hijo!



Those things that you hold
are from our shrine...

dedicated to our son, Manuel,
may he rest in peace.

The sandwich isn't
what killed him, is it?

No, it was a scooter.

The charity that
dropped off toys that year
didn't send helmets.

Whoever eats the sandwich
from the sacred shrine...

now carries the soul
of the deceased inside him.

As the keeper
of our son's soul,

you must come with us
to our home so we can have
one final evening with our son,

an evening we never had.

I'm sorry I swallowed your son.
I can throw him up,
if you want me to.

But right now I'm busy lookin'
for my friend Catalina.

Catalina from America?

You know her?

Yes, we know her.

And I will
take you to her,

if you will give us
one more night with our son.

I'll be your son
for the night.

But I have a white mom
back in America, and she can
never find out about this.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Back at home, Darnell was
havin' trouble of his own.

His neighbors had parked
their house too close,

and, well, Joy wouldn't
do anything about it...

'cause her deaf lawyer
put her on happy pills
to control her anger.

Can we at least shut the window
when they're running the dryer?

I like it.
Feels like I'm bein' kissed
by a thousand little bunnies.

Joy, I'm serious.
There's little pieces of clothes
in my apple brown betty.

Why don't you just take your
little apple brown buns there
and tell 'em how you feel?

I tried. But you know bein'
in the Witness Protection
Program makes me uneasy.

I don't like it
when strangers ask
too many questions.

[ Spits ]
* Let it snow, let it snow
let it snow *

I brought these for you,
and I wanted to ask you a favor.
Can you please--

- What are they?
- Lemon squares.

- Is that powdered sugar on top?
- Yes.

Did you make 'em yourself?

My name is Darnell Turner,
and that's all it's ever been.

I just hope they
give us back our plate.

Oh, Darnell,
just let 'em keep it.

What good is a plate
if you can't share it
with your neighbor?

* ...slowly dying
And my dear
we're still good-bye-ing *

Joy, are you even in there?

[ Rattling ]

Ow! I just got hit
by a hot penny.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Diego liked my American jeans
so much, he took 'em.

You're a drug dealer,
aren't you?

Uh, no, I'm not even
a drug user.
So what are you then?

A roadie tryin' to score drugs
for a rock band?
I seen it all.

You tell Billy Idol he's not
gonna get his white wedding
from here.

Look, I'm not a drug guy.
I'm just lookin' for
my friend Catalina.

Catalina?
What's her last name?

Uh, I don't know. It's, uh--
It's somethin' Latin-y.

Uh, it ends
in "ez" or "illa."
Tortilla?

You're here to help
your friend Catalina Tortilla?

Uh, th-that might not be it,
but she is my friend.

Pretty, long dark hair.
Uh, loves to dance.

- A lot of jumpin'.
- Catalina!

Catalina's my niece.
Why didn't you say so?

* Jump around
I'm the cream of the crop
I rise to the top *

* I never eat a pig
'cause a pig is a cop **

[ Snapping Fingers ]

What a small world
after all.

- You're her friend, and
Mario's her little brother.
- Nice to meet you.

All right. We'll take you
to see Catalina. First,
we gotta run a few errands.

Uh, they're not dangerous,
are they?

[ Gunshots ]
[ Woman Screaming ]

[ Gunshots Continue ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
I knew karma wanted me to find
Catalina and bring her back,

but I also knew it didn't
want me to help murder
some poor guy...

just 'cause he was late
on his goat payments.
I can't do this.

Why not?
He's a little guy, so you
don't have to dig so deep.

I'm sorry, but I can't
help you do bad stuff.

If I do,
I gotta put it on my list,

and I don't want to
get on another plane and come
down here and make up for it.

Hey, list-- What list?

It's a list of everything bad
I've done. Gettin' Catalina
deported's on there.

That's why
I gotta bring her back.
I gotta cross her off.

And who made you
write this list?
Your president, Señor Reagan?

No one made me do it.
I did it on my own, after I
learned about karma.

[ Earl Narrating ]
So I took a shot and told Diego
everything I knew about karma.

I told him about how
I was tryin' to make up...

for all the bad things
I've done, one by one.

So you say you learned about
karma on American TV, huh?

[ Earl Narrating ]
That's when I knew I had him.

All right.
All right, I'll try it.

Even though
you owe me a lot of money,
I will no longer kill you.

- Instead, the new Diego
will kill your wife.
- No, no!

Your children.
Nope.

Okay, what then?
How about a payment plan?

I choose that one.

[ Earl Narrating ]
While I was making Diego
understand karma,

Randy was trying to understand
what it meant to be a dead son.

Did you enjoy the flan?

You mean the yellow slimy stuff
I took one bite of
and spit back out?

It was okay.

- So what now?
- You know.

- I do?
- Come on, Manuel.

- It is the same
as every night.
- More flan?

Tickle fiesta!

[ Giggling ]

Stop! I'm gonna pee!

Let yourself go, my son.
It's a dirt floor.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Seein' Catalina
was gonna have to wait.

As bad as Diego was, there were
worse bandidos in the area,

and he had to keep watch
and protect the village
from 'em.

No, ALF was from
the planet Melmac.
He's an alien.

I thought he was a monkey.
A monkey?
No, he ate cats.

Why would a monkey
eat a cat?
Your monkey ate my cat.

Fine. But at least my monkey
wasn't sarcastic and
cracking jokes all the time.

[ Earl Narrating ]
All that talk about monkeys at
bedtime made me think of Randy.

I didn't know where he was,
but I sure hoped he was okay.

Hey, Earl.

Yeah, Randy?

Do you think
when everybody dies,
they come back as a sandwich?

I don't know, Randy.
Maybe.

After I die,
if you ever see a peanut butter
and bologna sandwich,

eat it, because that's me.

Okay.

Earl?

Yeah, Randy?

Do you miss me?

Yeah, Randy, I do.

I miss you too, Earl.

Cold?
Sí, mami.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy wasn't the only one
havin' a hard time sleepin'.

Darnell found the neighbors'
motion detector hard to ignore.

[ Electrical Buzzing ]

[ Earl Narrating ] The next
morning, Diego finally brought
me to Catalina's village.

I thought the villagers
would be surprised to see
a pantless American,

but they were more surprised
to see a friendly Diego.

- ¡Buenos días!
- [ Woman Screaming ]

[ Man Shouting
In Spanish ]

Ooh, tacos.
Uh, do you think
I can get my wallet back?

Uh, maybe--
maybe with my pants?

Yeah, of course.
How rude of me.

You stay here,
get some tacos.
I'll go get Catalina.

[ Zipper Unzipping ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
I was excited about gettin'
my pants back.

Between the cold air
and the giant mosquitoes,
I had missed them quite a bit.

But then I saw somethin'
I had missed even more.

- Randy!
- Earl!

You're okay!
I'm okay.

Mami, papi,
this is my brother, Earl.
Ah, my stepson.

Oh, I ate the soul
of their dead child.

If you see one
layin' around, grab it.

Tastes just like a sandwich,
and you get to have tickle
fights and pee on the floor.

Sounds great, Randy.

I was dragged off the bus
before I got to tell you
this, but I'm sorry.

You're right.
I-I was actin' like a baby.

Who am I to say
you don't have a chance
with Catalina?

In fact, her uncle
just went to get her.

What? I can't see her
dressed like this.

- You look cute.
- I don't want to
look cute, mami.

I want to look like a hero.
A big, sexy hero from America
that came to save her.

- Mi hijo.
- Stay out of my life, mami!

Teenagers.
Yeah, those are
the rough years.

Thank you so much.

No problem.
And again, sorry about fartin'
on your lap, buddy.

It wasn't your fault.
Maria shouldn't have
tickled you so hard.

- Earl!
- Catalina!

I can't believe you came
all this way to get me.

Well, it was my fault
you got sent down here
in the first place.

I forgive you. I forgive you.
And yes, I will marry you!
What?

When my uncle told me you will
marry me so I could get my green
card, I couldn't believe it.

- He told you that?
- What? I'm sorry. Did you
want it to be a surprise?

No, it still feels
like a surprise.

You are a true friend, Earl.
Thank you so, so much.

I didn't know how
I was gonna get back.
Aww.

It's beautiful. It's beautiful.
You mess things up, you fix it.
It's karma. Look at that.

I'm proud to have worn
your pants for 14 hours.

Randy!

[ Laughing ]

I am so happy!
Me too.

Are you gonna be
the best man?
Best I can be.

No, Earl's best man,
at the wedding.

Who's Earl marrying?

Me, silly.
Isn't it amazing?
He is my hero.

[ Grunts ]

[ Earl ] While Catalina
and Diego were off preparin'
my third unplanned wedding,

I was tryin' to find Randy,
whose feelings I'd accidentally
hurt... again.

Randy? Randy!

** [ Man Singing
"Time After Time"
In Spanish ]

[ Exhales ]

Look, Randy,
it wasn't my fault.

Diego thought
that was the plan.

She's my friend.
What was I supposed to do?

Oh, yeah?
Well, if you like her so much,
why don't you marry her?

Oh, wait, you are.
Walk with me, Pedro.

Look, it all happened
too fast, Randy.

She was so happy,
she started huggin' me.

She was supposed to be
huggin' me. This was my chance
to be a hero, and you stole it.

Randy, you-you can
still be the hero.

We'll switch,
and you can be the one
who marries her.

No! For me to have a chance,
it needed to be perfect, Earl.

I needed to come in,
save the day and sweep her
off her feet.

Now I'm just gonna look
pathetic and weird,

and I don't want to look
pathetic and weird.

Come on, Pedro.
** [ Continues ]

* Spanish and Spanish
and Spanish *

* Spanish **

[ Earl Narrating ]
While I tried to find a way
to get through to Randy,

Darnell was just tryin'
to get through the day.

Tina, how much
if I can get this cupcake
in the trash can from here?

Five bucks
says you miss.

I'll split that cupcake
with you, cupcake.

Joy, I need
the old you back!

I'm yin, you're yang.
Yin is nice, yang's a bitch!

This house doesn't work
without yang!

[ Earl Narrating ] Nothin'
Darnell said could snap Joy out
of her drug-induced happiness.

- But somethin' eventually did.
- Beer can!

Oh, snappity-snap-snap-snap!

Excuse me.

We haven't officially met,
but I'm Joy Turner
from the trailer next door.

I passed you those bleach wipes
for your fanny hole.

- Hope it didn't take
any skin off.
- A little.

Good. Listen, now I know
on the outside I look like
a real sweetie sweetheart,

but trust me, on the inside
I'm a hundred percent bitch.

I even have a T-shirt
that says it. Got it for
a Mother's Day present.

Anyway, here's the thing.

My lawyer's got me
takin' these happy pills
to control my anger.

But since you just
used my baby boy's head
as a backboard...

for your little trash can
basketball game,

I'm gonna stop taking 'em
and come back in three days
when the happy wears off.

[ Gasps ]
Look at that!
A real tree.

[ Laughing ]

[ Sniffs ]
Mmm! I love the smell of it.

- [ Sniffs ]
Love it!
- [ Nervous Chuckle ]

Anyhoo, when these pills
wear off, I don't know exactly
what's gonna happen,

but I imagine
it'll involve this beer can
breakin' out your teeth,

your wife screamin' at me
to stop kickin' you,

and your children cryin'
after they see what I've done
to your face.

Heck, I might even rip off
one of your ears and make it
into a little coin purse.

Okay, then, so I'll be back
in three days...

to give you that Christmas
ass-kickin' I promised,

unless you decide that now
would be a good time
to move this trailer.

- It's a good time
to move our trailer.
- Oh, that is fantastic news.

And I'm sorry, but that little
Santa over there shakin' his
tushy is absolutely adorable.

Uh, take him.

Really?

[ Chorus ]
* Santa Claus *

[ Giggling ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
Even though this was just
a green card wedding,

Catalina's village
still followed
all the town's traditions.

You see, this symbolizes
how beautiful and admired
a bride should be.

- [ Yelps ]
- [ Crowd Cheering ]

- And that's to remind her not
to get too full of herself.
- Seems weird.

Oh, yeah?
And throwing rice at people
makes a lot of sense, huh?

Wait till you see
what you have to do.

In our little village,
before a man is allowed
to marry a woman,

he has to pass
three simple tests.

The first is to cross
this beam without falling.
Sure, that makes sense.

Uh, excuse me a second.
I need to borrow
my brother's shoes.

They have better traction
for crossin' beams.

What are you doin'?
Just switch shoes with me
and listen.

Randy,
this is your chance
to be a hero.

All I have to do
is fail the test,
then you can save the day.

That's a great idea, Earl.

And then after this,
let's never travel again.

All righty, now that you got
the proper footwear,

I can tell you that this plank
represents the straight
and narrow path...

that you, as a husband,
must follow.

- Okay, bring on the leeches!
- The what?

Leeches.
They represent-- I don't know--
hookers and stuff.

Just don't fall in.
Hit it.

** [ "Eye of the Tiger" ]

[ Mouthing Word ]

[ Earl ] I really wanted to
stay up on that plank and away
from those leeches a whole lot,

but not as much as I wanted
Randy to be happy.

Damn it.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Whoopsie-daisy!

[ Screaming ]

Things are sucking my face!
Things are sucking my face!

That's okay. I can, uh--
[ Diego ]
No. Wait, wait, Earl.

You know what?
The old me would've said
one and done, right?

But karma says
two out of three!
To the hot coals!

Yeah!
[ Crowd Cheering ]

[ Earl Narrating ] To give
Randy his shot, I planned on
steppin' on the hot coals,

and then steppin'
right back off.

What I didn't plan on
was how hard it is to change
direction on hot coals.

[ Crowd Groans ]

It burned like hell, but at
least Randy was gonna be able
to step in and be the hero.

I'm sorry, Catalina.
I guess I'm just not--

Earl, this is
your lucky day.

- One out of three?
- To the field of rakes!

[ Cheering ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
Diego said somethin'
about the field of rakes...

representin' the careful dance
of talkin' about
your wife's weight.

But for me, it represented
the last chance to help Randy.

[ Grunts ]
[ Crowd Groans ]

Okay, that's it. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Catalina.

I gave him several chances,
and he just keeps proving
himself not worthy.

But how am I supposed
to get back to America?

Catalina?

Can I try and marry you?
You would do that?

To the pit of leeches!

[ Crowd Cheering ]

[ Earl Narrating ] I was
a little worried about Randy
walkin' on that thin plank,

'cause I had seen him
fall off sidewalks before.

But if it meant rescuin'
Catalina, he could've danced
on the head of a pin.

[ Crowd Exclaiming ]

- [ Cheering ]
- Wow.

Yeah.
* It's the cream of the fight
rising up *

* To the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor *

[ Earl Narrating ]
And watchin' Randy
cross those hot coals,

I realized he probably wouldn't
have failed gym class...

if Catalina had gone
to our high school.
[ Cheering ]

* The eye of the tiger **

Everything was goin' great
for Randy.

[ Crowd Shouting ]

And even when
it didn't go great,
nothin' stopped him.

Yeah!

I did it! I did it!

[ Crowd Groans ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
And in return
for his sacrifice,

Randy got to marry
the woman he loved.

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

[ Cheering ]

You're a good friend.

[ Earl Narrating ]
He thought about tellin'
his new wife that he loved her,

but he didn't want to risk
ruinin' his wedding day.

** [ Man Singing "That's Life"
In Spanish ]

Thanks for lettin' me
be the hero.

You've been the hero
all along, Randy.

I was just
gettin' in your way.

- [ Yelps ]
- [ Crowd Cheering ]

That's so she doesn't
get too full of herself.

Oh.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Yep, it was a successful trip.

I was feelin' happy,
and not just 'cause of
my airplane pills.

I was happy 'cause I helped
bring Catalina back home...

and I helped get Randy closer
to the woman he loved.

** [ Continues ]

And I taught a bad guy
about bein' good.

What happened?
Who took your pants?

Oh, man,
that's my thing.

It was the same bandidos
who chopped off Mario's fingers.

- This time,
they cut out his tongue.
- Cut out your tongue?

[ Garbled ]
I don't want
to talk about it.

How dare they do this
to my nephew in my village?

They said because
they heard you were nice now,
they could do as they please.

Did they?
Okay, well, forget karma.

New rule:
Do bad things,
and Diego happens!

Wolverines!
[ Gunshots ]

[ Singer Laughing ]