My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 4 - Larceny of a Kitty Cat - full transcript

Hey, Earl, do you ever worry that
you're going to forget how to walk ?

No, I can't say that I do.

'Cause when we were eating in there,
I started to worry that when we got up

my legs wouldn't know what to do.

They seem to be doing all right.

Yeah, for now,

but every time I sit down,
it's like starting all over again.

We can't go that way.

We can't walk across
that black cat's path.

Fine, we'll go the long way.

He circled us.
I think we're stuck.



Randy, I'm not gonna stand here forever
just 'cause you're superstitious.

Why ? Every day of my life revolves
around you believing in karma.

Plus we always buy
the kind of cereal you like.

How long do we have to wait ?

Three hours.

Or until a white cat
circles us backwards.

I know we must have looked
pretty crazy sitting on that sidewalk,

but Randy insisted we had
to wait three hours

before it was safe to cross
the black cat's path.

Damn thing circled us.

That's it, it's 3:15.
Let's go.

Wait.

Ten seconds.

Eight...



seven... six...

A black cat crosses
your path once,

it's bad luck.

It crosses your path twice,
it's really bad luck.

But three times ?

Well, that's when karma's
trying to tell you something.

And it was telling me to fix #56

"Larceny of a kitty cat."

Every year, Camden had a cat show,
which people who loved cats and

had a lot of time on their hands
took real seriously.

And like with every
competitive sporting event,

there's always a front-runner.

Randy, Randy,
that's him, that's him.

Where ?
I can't see anything.

These cats are making my eyes watery
and my tongue all itchy.

I think I'm allergic to
whatever God makes them out of.

Okay, Sebastian, come on,
it's time for your last-minute floss.

Smile big like Mommy.

And you think of something you like,
like tuna or a really slow mouse.

So who would want me to harm
such a beautiful animal

just so they had a better chance
of winning the first place cash ?

What the hell are
you looking at back there ?

You want to know if her heinie works
I'll just bring you a turd.

Being a big Tonya Harding fan,

Joy wanted me to Nancy Kerrigan
the cat so it couldn't compete.

But I was having trouble
getting it done.

I don't even know
where a damn cat knee is.

My hands are burning.

Ew, it's drooling

and it's humming that weird
I-like-you sound even though I hate it.

I wanted to help Joy, but

Sebastian's eyes must have been prettier
than Nancy Kerrigan's cause

I just couldn't do it.

So, I sneaked him into a place

where he'd be welcome and could pee
wherever he wanted to.

The sleepy cat lady's house.

With Sebastian out of the picture,

Joy thought her cat
might actually have a chance.

Healthy teeth...

nice coat.

Ma'am, is your cat
wearing lipstick ?

Mm-hmm.
Lipsmacker same as mine.

And are these
colored contact lenses ?

Yep. And it was not easy
getting them in there.

He's been jumpy ever since
I waxed his eyebrows.

Charlotte,
we have a Code C over here.

What's going on ?
Am I a winner ?

Not only did Joy's cat not win,

it got rescued
and put into kitty foster care.

Hold on,
I got to give those contacts back

to my neighbor Latisha
before she goes on Date Night.

Since karma wanted me to get Sebastian
back to the girl I stole him from,

well, I went back
to the sleeping cat lady's house.

Everything was exactly
how it was before,

except for the smell.
It was three years worse.

Unfortunately, to a guy like me,
all cats looked the same,

and I couldn't tell
which one was Sebastian.

To be honest, I was kind of hoping after
all these years of not having her cat,

Judy would have moved on.

But she hadn't.

How could you do that
to such an innocent creature ?

It was his idea.

I asked the same thing...

in my mind.

At least this means
he's not lost.

We know where to find him.

That's good, right ?

Yeah, I guess.

You know, I'm trying
not to hate you right now

because hate is not
what Sebastian is about.

We sure are going to get a big tickle
out of this when we see each other.

I like those dents in your face.

- There they are again.
- Quit.

I had a suspicion about
why Randy was acting so peculiar.

But before I could
even think about that,

I had to brace my nostrils for one more
trip into the sleeping cat lady's house.

- Randy, we'll be right out...
- I'm coming in.

Not much will get Randy
into a house full of cats.

And judging by his smile,
I knew he had a crush on Judy.

Sebastian Phillips Dechamps !

Even though he had let himself go,
Judy could still pick out Sebastian,

which was a lot easier
than picking him up.

Well, he certainly has
put on an extra few pounds.

Hmm, fatty-fat-fat-fat.

But Mommy won't be too critical,
'cause critical mommies

make for bulimic teenagers

that become needy adults
that drink a lot of red wine.

I'll help you.

There's only two things
that Randy does that scare me.

One is the way he stops breathing
when he's sleeping.

The other is when he pretends to be
someone he isn't because he likes a girl.

There was the artsy chick he dated
who smoked cloves and ate bone marrow.

There was the girl
whose parents were Hasidic Jews.

And the only member of the
Camden County Black Power movement.

The women liked Randy

until he stopped pretending to be somebody
else and started just being Randy.

I like it okay, I guess.

But I think when people talk about
their dreams it's kind of boring.

Unless there's aliens in it.

Did Martin Luther King's dream
have aliens in it ?

Unfortunately, Martin Luther King's
dream didn't have aliens in it,

and that was just the beginning.

It's not that he didn't try.

It was just a question of time
before the real Randy exposed himself.

This art doesn't have a flusher.

And even though Randy
usually wore the right thing,

he always said the wrong thing.

Sorry that took so long.

Got my foreskin
caught in my zipper.

After each breakup,
Randy would get pretty depressed.

He didn't turn
to drugs or alcohol,

but he did turn to something
slightly harder to live with.

* Lying in my bed I hear*
* the clock tick *

* And think of you *

* Caught up in circles,*
* confusion is nothing new *

* Flashback warm nights *

* Almost left behind... *

* The second hand unwinds *

* If you're lost, you can look *
* and you will find me *

* Time after time *

* If you fall I will catch *
* you I will be waiting *

* Time after time *

* Time after time *

* Time after time *

* Time... *

* Time after time. *

I was hoping this time
would be different, 'cause

even though Randy liked the dents
in that lady's face, he hated cats.

I love cats.

Randy start to date
the cat lady and

was fighting through his allergies to make things work.

You're right. Getting out of my plac
to get some fresh air is a great idea.

But just like every other time
he pretended to be someone else,

I knew this was going to end badly.

I'm worried about him, Crab Man.

Have you talked to him ?

I tried, but whenever you talk
about Randy's personal life,

he gets edgy and
turns everything back on you.

It's like stepping on a rake.

Hey, Earl,
buy me some chicken wings ?

You can't buy
your own chicken wings ?

I'm facing my third strike and could
spend the rest of my life in prison,

and you can't grant me
six scrawny-ass wings,

some celery sticks
and blue cheese ?

Fine.

Get her some wings.

And a pitcher of margaritas.

Tip him good, too.

We're saving up
for the kid's braces.

Or a trampoline.

That stupid cat
is making my hands burn

and my eyes water and my tongue's
starting to feel like it did

when I ate all that pink
cotton candy stuff in the attic.

You should take allergy medicine.

I take it all the time.

It relaxes me in social situations.

I tried that.

It helped with the itching,
but it made me a little bit too thirsty.

* Chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug *

* Make you want to holler hi-de-ho *

* Burns your tummy, don'tcha know *

* Chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug *

* Chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug *

* Make you want to holler hi-de-ho *

* Burns your tummy, don'tcha know *

* Chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug *

* Chug-chuga-chucka-yeah. *

I don't need medicine.
I'm fine.

Randy,

I need to talk to you
about something...

personal.

Oh, maybe I need to talk to you about
something personal, jerk head.

See ?
Stepping on a rake.

Randy, you need to listen to this.

Yeah ? Maybe you need to listen,
mustache-too-big-for-your-face.

Look, buddy, lash back
all you want, but I got to say,

I don't know why you have to lie
to Judy and be something you're not.

I mean, you're going to have
to be yourself sooner or later.

Why not just do it now ?

If I'm myself,
she won't like me...

left-eye-lower-than-the-right-one.

Randy, of course
she won't like you.

You hate cats and
she's eventually going to find out.

I've seen it happen...
time after time.

Well, I'd rather have a girlfriend for two
weeks than no girlfriend for no weeks.

Just leave me alone.

If you fall,
I won't catch you...

I won't be waiting.

Oh, look !
The Grand Canyon !

We should go there
all three of us.

We can take a car ride
and sleep in a tent.

And take one of those burro rides.

I could be on one burro, and
you can hold Sebastian on the other.

You're so strong, he's going
to want to ride with you anyway.

I hate cats.

What ?

Huh ?

You hate what ?
What did you say ?

I'm allergic to cats.

And, even if I wasn't allergic,

I don't like them 'cause they act
like they're better than me,

which maybe they are.

I'm sorry.

I been acting like I'm somebody else,
and that's who you like, not me.

Now...

if you'll excuse me,

I need to go buy a new Cyndi Lauper CD
and have myself a little cry.

Randy, wait.

I don't want to end up
like that sleepy cat lady.

You're not like her.

You're young and pretty

and alert enough to wake up
if something pees on you.

No, I mean,
I don't want to end up alone.

Look, Randy.

I'll get rid of Sebastian.

I win.

The good news is Randy and Judy
were going to be together.

The bad news is

I had to figure out
what to do with Sebastian.

Crab Man, two beers,
and put one in a bowl, please.

Why do you still have that cat ?

I've been trying
to find a home for him,

but nobody wants a chubby cat
who wheezes after he takes a dook.

Maybe make his a light beer.

Hey, Joy, you want a cat ?

Do I look like I want a damn cat ?

I think you should put this cat
on your list, Earl.

No. The girl I took him from
is on there.

I don't put animals on my list.

I'm serious.

He used to be a proud champion
before you stole him.

Now he just looks sad.

I can see it in his eyes.

He misses being a champ.

I saw Carl Lewis at the airport once,
and he looked the same way.

Look, I'm not putting
a cat on my list.

You would if you looked
into his eyes.

He does have nice eyes, Earl.

Five bucks if you kiss him
on the lips.

The thought of putting an animal
on my list seemed crazy,

but what if he did miss being a champion
'cause of what I did ?

The more I stared,

well, the more I started to see a sad little
Carl Lewis in there staring back at me.

Damn it.

While I entered the new world of trying
to get a cat back into championship shape,

Randy entered the new world
of being himself around a girlfriend.

Don't you want to take your shoes off
and get comfortable ?

My feet smell.

That's what feet
are supposed to do, silly.

Why do you think God put them
so far away from your nose ?

Quit, it's cute.

* I see your true colors *

* And that's why I love you *

* So don't be afraid *
* to let them show *

* Your true colors *

* Your true colors *
* Are beautiful *

* Like a rainbow *

* If this world makes you crazy *

* You've taken all you can bear *

* You call me up *

* You know I'll be there *

* And I'll see your true *
* colors shining through *

* I see your true colors *

* And that's why I love you *

* So don't be afraid *
* To let them show *

* Your true colors... *

It was finally show day, and
Sebastian and I were feeling good.

And we'd gotten close, too.

I even laid out two ties on the bed and
let him pick which one I should wear.

Now entering the ring,
domestic shorthair

Sebastian Dechamps
with handler Earl J. Hickey.

Sebastian was keeping his cool,
but I was more than a little nervous.

Sir ?

Sir ? The cones are for the cat.

I didn't know you exchange presents
on your two-week anniversary.

I've never had one.

Do you like it ?

I love it.

I've also never had
any jewelry before.

Well, I did have a medical alert tag,
but I pawned it.

I can't even remember what it said.

As Randy put on his new necklace,

he noticed it was not unlike
some of the other necklaces in the room.

I can't wait to show you off
to all my friends.

They all assumed
I was going to die alone.

In fact,
Randy's new necklace

wasn't the only thing
that was starting to bother him.

He was starting to think maybe
the way Judy treated him wasn't normal.

* Howling to the moonlight
on a hot summer night *

* Singing the blues
while the lady cats cry... *

Get down,
get down from there !

Shoo !

Go, go, go, go, go !

* But I got cat class
and I got cat style *

* Meow ! *

Hey, Hillary !
Hillary, it's me !

Wait right there !

I want you to meet Randy !

Come on, big boy !

Come on !

Come on !

Enough !

What ?

I'm not a cat.

Randy !

What is going on ?

I know you're not a cat.

I mean, is it this ?

You know, what if you got lost
and someone needed to find where you...

I'm a human.

When I get lost,
I ask somebody for directions.

I do it, like, four times a week.

Okay. All right.
Just calm down, all right ?

Who's my special boy ?
Who's my special boy ?!

Come on ! Come on !
Who's my... ?

Oh, my God.
Look at me.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

Sometimes people do things without
realizing that they're doing them.

I tried so hard.

I guess I am who I am,
you know ?

I guess...

I'm a cat lady.

Maybe, someday,
I'll be granted three wishes,

and I can use one to wish
I wasn't allergic to cats.

And then I'd still have two left
for flying and world peace.

Of course, that would mean that
Candy Randy ice cream would have to wait,

but that was just basically
Rocky Road with red-hots.

I wish I could be
a different person.

I don't.

Hey, mind if I keep that collar ?

It will remind me of you.

Here you go.

I don't have anything to give you,

but you'll remember me
when you go to turn on your lamp

and it falls apart, because I broke it
and didn't want to tell you.

Second place to a Persian !

Like your cat's better
just 'cause it's from France !

We got to go to Hendersonville
next week for the next cat show.

Don't worry, buddy.

We're going to mop the floor
with that furry little slut.

It's all right, Earl.
I'll take him.

But he's on my list.

I'll finish what you started.

Good-bye, Randy.

- Bye.
- Hey, did you miss me ?

Huh ?
Oh, you are ripped !

Feel that little bicep,
you sexy, sexy boy, you.

Wait.
Why is she taking the cat ?

How are you and her going to... ?

We broke up.

Should I get the boom box ?

No. I don't think I need it.

She liked me, Earl.

Even when I laughed
so hard I ripped one,

she laughed so hard
she ripped one.

She liked me.

Good for you, buddy.

You know, I bet there's
a lot of girls out there that

would like the real Randy.

All I need is one.
One that hates cats.

And birds.

And pickles, dill pickles.

Not the bread and butter kind
that Aunt Paula used to make.

And Wednesdays.

She's got to hate Wednesdays, too.

Earl.

Earl.

Yeah ?

That sleepwalking guy
is back again.

Probably just thinks
this is his room.

He lives right below us.

I know.
I just thought I should tell you.

- You want me to get rid of him ?
- I don't know.

I'm not as scared of him anymore
now that I know he's not a ghost,

but it's hard to sleep
with a stranger in here.

I'll go talk to him.

No. I don't think you should.

I heard somewhere that if you wake
one of them up, it will kill them.

That's only true
if you scare them.

If you ease him awake,
he should be fine.

Okay, I'll try.

Paul ? Paul ?

Paul ? Paul ?

Paul ? Paul ?

Paul ? Paul ?

Paul ? Paul ?

Paul ? Paul ?

Paul ? Paul ?

Paul ? Paul ? Paul ?

Paul ? Paul ?

Paul ? Paul ?

Paul ? Paul ?

Paul ? Paul ?

Paul ? Paul ?

Paul ? Paul ?

Paul ? Paul ?

Paul ? Paul ?

Paul ? Paul ?

Paul ? Paul ?

Paul ? Paul ?

Paul ?

Paul ?

I think I'll just let him be.

He'll leave when he's ready.

Transcript: Raceman
Synchro: Dingo