My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 5 - Van Hickey - full transcript

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Some things are so amazing, you
have to capture 'em on film.

Like U.F.O.s or bigfoot.

[ Shutter Clicks ]
Or Joy doin' volunteer work.

Cherry, bucket.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Joy had recently gotten
in trouble with the law,

and her deaf lawyer
thought it might help
sway a jury...

if she could prove
that she was a givin'
member of society.

Hey, Earl,
get this on film.

I'm gettin' ready to hug one
of these old coots in a second.

[ Man ]
Hey, is that Earl Hickey?



[ Earl Narrating ]
I recognized that voice
as soon as I heard it.

It was Tom Sparks.
Number 50 on my list--

kicked the lead singer
out of my band.

Sometimes great things
just happen by accident.

Like the way peanut butter
and chocolate came together.
Or Mount Rushmore.

Or how we started our band.
** [ Radio: "Frankenstein" ]

** [ Continues ]
* Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daa *

* Da-da-dada-da *

* Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daa
Da-da-dada-da *

** [ Continues ]
* Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daa
Da-da-dada-da *

** [ High-pitched ]
* Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daa *

* Da-da-dada-da *

* Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daa
Da-da-dada-da **

** [ Turns Volume Down ]
Yeah. Yeah, buddy.
Hey, man, that was hot.



We sounded good.
Randy, where'd you learn
how to drum like that, buddy?

Right there, just then.
No way.

You know what?
We should start a band.

Van Halen started
with two brothers.

We could be Van Hickey.
And Ralph.

Hey, you know, I bet if we
played real instruments, we
could have sex with real girls.

Yeah, rock and roll, buddy!
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah.

- [ Man ]
Hey, you guys formin' a band?
- Damn straight, clown.

You need a lead singer?

Yeah, I guess we do.
Hold on, Earl. How do we know
this clown can even sing?

[ Singsongy ]
Hello, may I take your order?

Would you like to try
our new fish tacos?

You can add "guaca-mole"
for only 99 cents extra.

You're in, buddy.
Yeah.
[ Chuckles ]

Whoo!
Rock and roll, buddy!

[ Earl Narrating ]
The lead singer's the most
important person in a band.

The Stones have Jagger,
The Who have Daltrey,

and we had... well, this guy,
who looked older than
both of 'em put together.

Hey, it's my band!
Here, let me get my glasses
to get a good look at you.

[ Earl Narrating ]
After a couple of rehearsals,

we booked a gig
at the Crab Shack
for 20 bucks each,

but we weren't doin' it
for the money.

Hey, ladies.
We're rock stars.

You can tell from
our rock star pants.

See all the zippers?
Guess what's in that zipper.

- Licorice.
- Maybe I'll see what's
in the other zippers.

- More licorice.
- [ Laughing ]

Hello, ladies.

MTV. Video games.
The Internet.

I think your dad's
havin' a stroke.

I'm not his dad.
I'm the lead singer.
The top cat. [ Growls ]

Ew! If I wanted to
get hit on by an old guy,
I'd move back home.

Let's go.

[ Earl Narrating ]
The fact that Tom was
scarin' away the chicks...

was a bit unpopular
with the guys.

All in favor of kickin'
the old guy out of the band.

Now all in favor of keepin'
the old guy who's creepin'
out all the chicks, man.

- Sorry, Tom, you're out.
- Oh, yeah?

Well, maybe
the three of you are out.
Did you ever think about that?

Hey, man, whatever makes you
feel better about leavin' as
fast as possible, all right?

- Fine.
- [ Earl Narrating ]
It was tough.

But Ralph was right.
Tom was holdin' us back.

Could one of you guys give me
a ride home? I'm not allowed
to drive after sunset.

- Oh, yeah, buddy.
Come on.
- Thanks.

[ Earl Narrating ]
That Friday night Phish Tahko
gave its debut performance.

** [ "Frankenstein" ]
We even gave out T-shirts...

to anybody who promised to
take 'em off after the show.

** [ Fades ]

So in keeping with
true rock star fashion,
after the show,

we took the chicks
back to Ralph's mom's house
and partied in our underwear.

[ Screaming ]

Mom!

[ Earl Narrating ]
Ralph's mom even made us
Rice Krispie squares.

[ Ralph ]
Yeah! Look at that right there.

[ Earl Narrating ]
After explaining my list to Tom,

I apologized and offered him
the 20 bucks he would have made
from the gig.

Don't want your 20 bucks.
Want to be back in the band.

Sorry to tell you, Tom,
but there is no band.

We played one gig, got drunk,
got laid and sold our
instruments to get more beer.

Well, at least you had
the one night.

You got to experience
the thrill of the show.
The party with the chicks.

See, everybody in here's got,
you know, one great memory
they can look back on.

You know, like, how
they climbed a mountain.
How they fought in a war.

I once tongue kissed
a Jamaican woman.

See?
Everybody's got somethin'.

What do I got?
Nothin'.

You took away my one shot
at bein' a-- a rock star.

You know what, Tom?

I don't think I can make you
a rock star, but I can sure
give you one hell of a memory.

I think it's time to get
the band back together.

[ Earl Narrating ]
After rentin' some
second-hand instruments...

and explaining my situation
to the guys, everybody agreed.

It was time for Phish Tahko
to feed its fans once again.

All right, guys, remember,
when one of us stops playin',
we all stop playin',

'cause that means
the song's over.

When one of us starts playin',
that means the next song's
startin'.

There's still licorice
in here.

Hey, T., I'm sorry about votin'
you out of the band before,
buddy.

It's cool.
No, man.
I was young and immature,

and, you know, I didn't
have much of a father figure,

so I didn't know about,
you know, respect your elders...

and manners and simple kindness
even, buddy.

[ Tom ]
It's okay.
Who's the old guy?

That's it. We gotta
kick Tom out of the band.
All in favor.

You can't kick me out again.
I'm on Earl's list. Here.

Right between, um,

"I've been wasteful"
and "Slept with Ralph's mom."

Number 51--
"Slept with Ralph's mom."

[ Earl Narrating ]
It was true. I did sleep
with Ralph's mom.

But it wasn't entirely my fault.

- [ Laughing ]
- Hey, there.

Which one of you wants to
come check out the glow stars
on my bedroom ceiling?

- I do.
- Wasn't talkin' to you, Randy.

I'm lookin' for somebody
a little bit more photogenic.

- I'll go.
- Yeah.

Hey, the two of you
can take the laundry room.

- Are there stars in there?
- Only you, rock star.

- [ Giggling ]
- [ Ralph ] Whoo!

[ Earl Narrating ]
After a show, a rock star
needs an outlet...

where he can let off
his extra energy.

Unfortunately,
my outlet had a sweet tooth
and binged on Jell-O shots.

* See the man
with the lonely eyes *

* Oh, take his hand *

* You'll be surprised **

[ Earl Narrating ]
And there she was. She wasn't
young, but she was conscious.

And besides, she made us
Rice Krispie squares.

Earl, did you sleep
with Ralph's mom?

Ralph, look, I'm sorry.
It was-- It was a mistake.

That's why she always
sends you a Christmas card.

[ Earl Narrating ]
If there's a top 10 list
of topics...

a man never wants to
discuss with another man,

I'd bet "Sorry I slept with
your mom" ranks number two.

- Right after "Sorry
I slept with your dad."
- Ralph,

I'm really sorry you had to
find out that way.

I've always wanted to tell you,
even before I started my list.
I feel awful.

Me, too, Earl.
You know, I've been
rackin' my brain...

tryin' to make this right
between us, given that we're
lifelong friends and all.

And seems like there's
only one fair solution.

- I'm gonna have to kill you.
- [ Laughing ]
Kill me?

Don't take it personal.
Believe me, nobody's gonna
miss you more than me.

Ralph, you're not
really gonna kill me?

You're gonna kill me.

I don't really have
a choice, you know.

I thought about cuttin'
your junk off, but that just
don't feel right, buddy.

[ Chuckles ]
No. No, no, it doesn't.

Damn, I really painted you
into a corner, didn't I?

Oh, shoot, man,
I've been in corners before.

Anyway, listen, given that we're
lifelong friends, I figured
I'd give you about 12 hours...

to get your affairs in order
and say your good-byes,
all right?

Wait, wait. No, no, Ralph.
There's gotta be a way, man.

Earl, I'd appreciate it if you
didn't touch me with the same
hand that defiled my mother.

I'm sorry, Ralph, but there's
gotta be another way, man.

Eleven hours
and 59 minutes.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Since I knew I couldn't get
Ralph to change his mind,

I went to talk to
the one person I knew
he would listen to.

Anyway, uh, I was hopin' you'd
talk to Ralph and get him to,
you know, not kill me.

Of course I will.

And don't you worry, Earl.
That boy will do anything I say.

Well, thank you, Mrs. Mariano.
I really appreciate it.

The question is,
what are you gonna do for me?

[ Clears Throat ]
Uh, clean your rain gutters?

Ooh, I like the sound of that.

Oh, Mrs. Mariano, I'm sorry.
I-I can't do this.

Y-You don't find me attractive,
is that it? You don't have to
look at me.

I've got five porn channels
and four ESPNs.

Wow.

Well, if I were more of a--
a porn or a sports guy,
that'd be a great offer.

But I can't do it to Ralph.
I'm sorry.
Well, what are you into?

You like popcorn shrimp? I can
put a plate on the nightstand
where you can reach 'em.

[ Engine Starts ]
He's gonna kill you.

[ Tires Squealing ]

[ Catalina ]
Men don't like it when other men
sleep with their mothers.

It is why my brother
killed my father.
Do you have to leave town?

Why don't we just kill Ralph?
That'd keep him from
killin' you.

That's no good.
Then his spirit will
haunt your dreams.

But if he kills you,
you get to haunt his dreams,
so you win.

Yeah, I don't know
if I want to win like that.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I figured I better get out of
town until Ralph calmed down.

And since that could
take till forever,

I decided it'd be nice
to stop by my folks' house
and tell 'em good-bye.

Hey, good buddy.
Ralph, what are you
doin' here?

Well, I figured
another way out of this mess
without havin' to kill you.

Really?
Yeah. I'm gonna sleep
with your mom. [ Chuckles ]

Yeah, buddy.

- Wait. Wait. What-What
are you talkin' about?
- Hey, look who's here.

Hey, Earl. Ralph came by
here lookin' for you,

and he accidentally spilled
some tomato juice on his pants.

Yeah, I was all thumbs, buddy.
Completely spilled it.

I told him,
take those pants off.
Yeah, and off went the pants.

- Now they're in the dryer.
- Yeah, now I'm wearin'
your daddy's robe.

- Wait, where is Dad?
- Someone threw a brick through
the front window of the store,

and he went down there
to get the glass replaced.

World full of weirdos.
Oh, boy, ain't it the truth.

Just seems like you can't even
leave the house anymore.

[ Buzzer Buzzes ]
Uh-oh, pants are done.
I'll be back.

Yeah. Sweetheart.
She's a sweetheart.

Look, Ralph, I appreciate you
tryin' to find a way
not to kill me,

but there is no way my mom's
ever gonna sleep with you.

You're good enough to sleep
with my mom, but I ain't good
enough to sleep with yours?

No, look, you're good enough,
but I just don't think
she's gonna go for it.

We'll see about that, buddy.

[ Kay Muttering ]
[ Slaps ]

Earl, I got-- I better
go help your dad.

There's plenty of cookies
for everybody, but don't
spoil your dinner.

[ Door Opens, Closes ]
Uh, yeah,
just for the record,

your mom doesn't like the, uh,
under-the-arms-around-the-side
double-boob scoop.

I-I don't know what
to say to that, Ralph.

Yeah, well, it doesn't
really matter, 'cause, uh,
your time's up anyways.

Wai-- Hold--
What are you doin', Ralph?
Let's talk about this!

My mama, Earl. I lived in her
for nine months when I was
just an itty-bitty baby!

That was my first home!
You broke into my home, man!

- I didn't break in.
The door was wide open.
- [ Mouthing Words ]

Uh-- Uh, not wide open.
Just wi-wide enough to get in.

Well, tell it to Jesus.
You disgraced
his favorite angel.

She is an angel! A princess!
The most perfect woman
in the whole world!

I wish I could have
married her!

You do?

Of course.

Keeps me up sometimes just,
you know, thinkin' about
what I missed out on.

Marry my mama.

Yeah, well, I guess what
you did wouldn't be so bad
if y'all end up gettin' married.

Yeah, that'll work.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And that's how I got married
to Ralph's mom.

[ Earl Narrating ]
So me and Ralph's mom
got married.

I guess you wouldn't call it
a shotgun wedding.

It was more like
a cocked-handgun-pressed-firmly
against-your-temple wedding.

What a day!
What a day!

Well, I'm gonna get out of this
dress before I spill somethin'
on it and can't return it.

Besides, this tag
is diggin' in my armpit.

Hey, Randy, wait till you
see our room, man.

Mom let me get a strobe light.
Just give me a few minutes
to put on "Mr. Roboto," man.

I'm gonna blow your mind, buddy.
[ Chuckling ]

I'm glad you're not dead, Earl.
I am, too, Randy.
It's a good feeling.

So is there more to this plan
or are we just gonna live here
forever?

Randy, you know you don't
always have to live
where I live, don't you?

What do you mean?

Never mind.
Yeah, we'll be here forever.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Gettin' suddenly married
to your best friend's mom...

so he won't kill you
can have an unsettling effect.

So it felt good to get back
to somethin' normal-- my list.

Oh, man, I can't believe it.
Phish Tahko lives.

That's right, buddy.
The band is back together.

We're playin' the Crab Shack
Friday night.

[ All ]
Red rover, red rover,
send Betty right over.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Just like that,
I was a family man again.

So far, this marriage was better
than my last one.

My wife cooked,
and at least one of my kids
was a blood relation to me.

And compared to all the sirens
and the loud hooker fights
at the motel,

livin' here was peaceful
and homey.

And we actually
spent time together
like a real family.

And I found it was easier
puttin' these boys to bed
than my last two.

Mainly 'cause these boys
drank themselves to sleep
before story time.

And I know it might sound crazy,
but as far as
forced marriages go,

this one was turnin' out
pretty nice.

I guess bein' married to
Ralph's mom was somethin'
I could get used to.

And at least I could have
if not for one thing.

I had a new older wife
who expected me to fulfill
my husbandly duties.

Sorry.
Uh, I just ate a big meal.
M-My doctor says, uh,

I have to wait at least
three hours before swimmin'
or humpin',

so don't wait up.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And every night that week,
after the boys went to bed,

I came up with a new way
to avoid my husbandly duties.

There's a bunch of birds
unfairly attackin' a squirrel
on the lawn.

- I gotta get involved.
- [ Door Closes ]

Don't wait up.

The string
came out of my sweatpants.
It's gonna be an all-nighter.

The Chinese are on the march.
I'm on hold with Mike
from Bombay.

He's tryin' to walk me
through the new toaster.

Randy got out.
Gotta go find him.

I have to drive three counties
over to get some rubbers.
I'm an odd size.

[ Snores ]
Hey.

- What in the hell's
wrong with you?
- Nothin'.

I mean, I got a little bit
of a crick in my neck, but--

Yeah, well, my mom told me
you ain't consummated
your holy matrimony yet,

so I'm gonna ask you again,
what the hell's wrong with you?

Ralph, look,
makin' an honest woman
out of your mom was easy,

but the consummatin' part
may be a hurdle I can't jump.

- So, what are you sayin'?
My mom's not foxy?
- No, your mom's foxy.

But you have to admit,
she's also--

An angel?
A female angel?
With female needs.

Now, look, I know
this is gonna sound crazy,
given where we started and all,

but if you don't
sleep with my mom,

I think I'm gonna
have to kill you.

[ Sighs ]
Fine. I'll do it tonight
after the show.

But once I consummate your mom,
I'm officially your stepdad,

and I won't stand for
any more threats on my life.
Done.

[ Earl Narrating ]
So that was it.

And unlike the last time
Phish Tahko played,

I wasn't thinkin' about how nice
it was gonna be to have sex
with the girl in the front row.

All right, let's get ready to
tear the roof off this mother!

Not really, though.
Please, stay off the roof.

Phish Tahko!

** [ "Frankenstein" ]

Tom, the way you sang tonight,
buddy, I'm definitely
comin' to your funeral.

[ Earl Narrating ]
We put on a great show.

- But I wasn't lookin' forward
to my next performance.
- Excuse me.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Since bein' drunk helped me
through this the first time,

I decided I'd better be
twice as drunk this time.
Crabman, shot of whiskey.

[ Man ]
* I am drowning in
a whiskey river *

* Bathing my memory'd mind *

Crabman, another shot.
* In the wetness of its soul *

* Feeling the amber current
flowin' from my mind *

Crabman, three more shots.
You know what?
Just-Just leave the bottle.

* Empty heart you left so cold *

* Whiskey river
take my mind *

* Don't let her memory
torture me **

[ Body Thuds ]
[ Bottle Clatters ]

Earl.

Earl.
Did I do it?

Is it over?
Did I consummate my marriage?

No. But you did try to
consummate that bar stool.
I just left you two alone.

See you, Earl.
See you, Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ]
The worst part of
the two-mile walk home...

was that it
sobered me up a little.

But I was still determined
to make love to my new wife.

The thing was--
[ Gasps ]

Tom had beat me to it.

Funny thing about
bein' in a band is...

no matter how young
and good-looking
the bass player is,

chicks always dig
the lead singer.

So while I was workin' hard
to lose my grip on reality,

Tom was gettin' a pretty good
grip on Lorraine.

It was clear that
me and Ralph's mom
didn't belong together.

So after the annulment,
her and Tom continued
seeing each other.

And Ralph was no longer mad
at me, since I'd made an honest
woman out of his mom.

And Tom was more than
just her new boyfriend.

He was the father figure
that Ralph never had.

And that made everybody happy.

* Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto *

* Domo arigato
Mr. Roboto *

* Mata ah-oo hima de *

* Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto *

* Himitsu wo shiri tai *

* You're wondering who I am *
* Secret, secret *

* I've got a secret *
* My true identity *

* I'm Kilroy *

** [ Ends ]