My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 3 - Sticks & Stones - full transcript

You know how those Amish people all
chip in when it's time to build a barn ?

Well, that's what we do at the motel
with waxing Wilma's mustache.

Thanks for doing this, guys.

My husband says it's like
French-kissing his brother Fred.

No problem, Wilma.

Maybe, someday, I'll need
unwanted hair ripped off my body,

and you'll be the one
to hold me down.

Disturbing as it was,

staring at Wilma's
ripped-off mustache

helped me decide
what to do next on my list.

Number 91 :
Made fun of Maggie Lester.



Class, I would like you to meet
our new student, Maggie Lester.

She's from Arizona,
and her parents are divorced.

Let's make her feel welcome.

Unfortunately for Maggie,

Tom Selleck was
the biggest star on TV and

I was the biggest jerk
in my class.

Wow ! Look at
the mustache on this girl.

Hey, look, everybody.
It's Maggie, P.I.

She remained Maggie, P.I., until
she left Williamsburg Junior High

a couple of months later
to be home-schooled.

I never saw her again.

There's a lot of Lesters here,
but I don't see any Maggies.

There's a Maggie.

That's a Maggie Larsen, Randy.



Oh. Both names have
to be on the same line.

I feel bad for this Maggie Lester.

Children can be very cruel.

In my village, they used to laugh
and call me Chupa Chups.

That sounds cute.

It was not cute.

It means Lollipop.

I had a big head
and a little body.

I was always tipping over.

Got it.

Here's a Maggie Lester living
somewhere called Shady Grove.

While I was tracking down
my old classmate Maggie,

Joy was dealing with a situation
from her more recent past.

Baby, I love that spray-on
stocking stuff.

It makes your legs look hot,
and it makes me a little high.

And that's exactly how I want the public
defender to feel when I meet him today.

I want him to think if he gets me off,

I'll return the favor.

Damn it, I got Latina !

Recently, Joy had run into
some trouble with the law.

She was arrested for
grand theft auto and kidnapping.

If convicted,
it would be her third strike.

All right, now tell me if you can see
my thong when I bend over.

What thong ?

Perfect. Let's go.

And here.

Put these socks down your pants
just in case he's gay.

Randy and I found Maggie's house,

and it turned out Shady Grove
wasn't too far from Camden County.

This neighborhood is nice.

I hope Maggie remembers me.

I'm never going to find
anyone to love me.

What ?

Oh, nothing.

I was just thinking
of something else.

Maybe this is the wrong place.

Coming !

No. This is the right place.

Remember me ?
Earl Hickey.

And my brother Randy ?

Earl Hickey from Junior High ?

Wow !
I didn't recognize you.

You look different
with that mustache.

And you...

Look at you.

Maggie invited us in for cookies,
and I explained all about my list.

So how can I make it up to you ?

We could wax your face.

Or your car...

we'll wax... whichever.

'Cause it's not like
your beard isn't, uh...

beautiful... and feminine.

It's okay, Earl.
I used to wax.

And shave, and pluck.

And I even wore a ski mask
for a while, but it

made it impossible
to go to the bank.

Then I realized
this is just who I am.

It's my life.
It's my job.

Your job ?

Turned out Maggie
was in the carnival business.

And, as we got to know
more about her,

we found that she was very sweet,

a great hostess,
and had a lot of talents.

You got a real pretty house.

No plastic.

The wood is actually
made of wood.

That was originally
the kitchen door,

but I removed it and turned it
into a table when I did my remodel.

A door for a table. Wow.

You can touch it
if you want to, Randy.

It's so soft.

I love fixing up houses.

Not to mention it really
increases their value.

Sounds smart.

I mean, anything you can do
to incr... Randy.

But I'm not done yet.

Yes, you are.

Well, I'm glad to know that
you're doing so good, Maggie.

But you still got to let me
make this up to you.

Oh, we were kids.

You know what the worst part was ?

You never got
to know me as a person.

And today you did that.

So you can cross me
off your list, Earl.

Thanks, Maggie.

Maggie was right.

Not getting to know her
was my mistake.

A mistake I was glad to fix.

Well, she sure was nice.

I bet we would have been friends
when we were kids if I wasn't so...

Check it out.

He's off to see the wizard.

Look at that tall guy, Earl.

He looks just like your Stretch Armstrong
doll right before I pulled him in half.

Oh, man !
Look at her.

Oh, my God. You know
what this place must be ?

A cartoon ?

No. I think it's where all the carnival
people live when they aren't working.

It's a freak town.

Except for that kid.
He's normal.

Look at his hands, Earl !

They're like a lobster's.

But without the rubber bands to stop him
from biting us with his hands.

This place is freaky, Randy.

Let's get out of here.

Wait a second.

I'm doing it again, Randy.

I'm making fun of people
'cause they look a little different,

just like I did with Maggie.

Look, karma brought us here
for a reason.

I mean, what good is it
to cross Maggie off the list

if I'm going to keep doing
the same thing to other people ?

You know what, Randy ?

I'm going to get to know
every person in this neighborhood

for who they are on the inside.

If you make friends with anybody,
make friends with the tall guy.

I know where there's a Frisbee
stuck in a tree.

When I went back and told Maggie
I wanted to get to know her neighbors,

she thought it was a great idea and
invited everybody over for a barbecue.

One by one,
we got to know them,

and we learned all kinds of things,

like the fact that William
was a hell of a cook.

This burger is delicious.

Thank you.
It's Black Angus.

I don't think I can eat it now
that I know the cow's name.

Kevin might have had
a horn on his head, but

he didn't have a chip
on his shoulder.

That's pretty cool.

Can you take your head
on a plane ?

Not since 9/11.

We're all making sacrifices.

Kevin also worked magic on cars.

He had restored
more than 20 all on his own.

And Paul knew everything
about the stock market.

He didn't look down on us
for not understanding,

he only looked down
on us 'cause he was so tall.

I'm confused.

You own $20,000
worth of Krispy Kremes,

but you still have to pay
for doughnuts ?

I don't get doughnuts.
I get dividends.

Mmm ! Dividends.

Are they, like those little
powdered munchkins ?

No offense, William.

No worries.

Jean gave the most
amazing neck rubs.

Who's next ?

Kevin ?

You can go.
I don't have a neck.

Well, son of a bitch.

I didn't even notice that.

Guess I was too busy
looking at the horn.

Yeah, the horn kind
of steals the show.

And Tommy taught me
how to ride a skateboard

without falling off
and scraping my knees.

As we got to meet
Maggie's neighbors,

Joy got to finally
meet her lawyer.

Wow ! Look at you !

Glad you're the one that's going
to be handling my briefs.

Don't get insecure, baby.
It's all an act.

Oh, no, no.
I'm not your attorney.

I'll go get her.

Her !

Darnell, there is no way in hell.
I want a woman to represent me.

Nobody pays attention to a woman
unless she's on their lap

with two minutes left
in the damn song.

That's not true.

There are a lot of
smart women out there.

Diane Sawyer.

And that Chinese chick at the deli.
She always gets our order right.

And she totally guessed
who would win at the Kentucky Derby.

I'm Ruby Whitlow, and this is
my interpreter Doug. Hi.

Sorry I'm late.

It's very nice to meet you.

Can you please tell her
that I'm gonna need another lawyer ?

It's nothing personal. It's just
I don't want to be represented

by somebody whose ears are only good
for holding up glasses.

Don't tell her
that last part though.

She can read lips.

Oh.

It's nothing against the deaf.

The way my kids act up most days,

I wish I couldn't hear.

No, but seriously, not to be rude,
I will let you bag my groceries,

I will let you greet me at Wal-Mart,

I will even buy pencils
from you at the bus station

for an unreasonable price.

But this is my third strike, and
I really just don't feel comfortable

putting my life in your deaf hands.

You understand that, right ?

She says she's the lawyer
the court appointed you and,

if you don't like it,
you can represent yourself,

you ignorant white trash whore.

Well, those are tough words coming
from a woman who can't even say 'em !

Come on, Darnell.

Not surprisingly, carnival folk
know how to have a good time,

so we stayed for hours.

Ringer !
Score one for the freaks !

Nice.

We're going again,
right after I get another beer.

Man, that little freak
can ringtoss.

Randy,
don't call him a freak.

But he called himself that.

Yeah, but that's like black guys
calling each other...

you know.

Brother-man ?

Look, just don't call
these guys freaks.

Who wants to go to Shady Pond
and skip some rocks ?

I do !

I'll drive us.

I'm in, but somebody's
got to throw my rocks for me.

Earl, you need to turn
the car around.

This isn't the way to Shady Pond.

I'm taking us to ice cream first.

My treat.

I know the best place,
just a couple towns over.

No, no, no, no, no, no....

What's going on ?
Why did everybody run ?

Shady Grove's our safe place.

If we leave here,
people gawk at us.

It's like we're
a traveling freak show.

But you are
a traveling freak show.

Look, we know we're different.

That's why we joined the carnival.

People coming into a tent

and staring at us is the only way
we can make a living.

But when we're not working,
we don't want to be freaks.

We don't want to be in a show.

That's why we all live
in Shady Grove.

'Cause it's the only place
we feel normal.

But it was just
a trip for ice cream.

Soft serve.

It comes out of the machine
in a star shape,

kind of like one of them
Play-Doh machines.

Except you can't play with it,
'cause it'll melt in your hands too fast.

We're still gonna go, right ?

I don't expect you guys
to understand.

You don't know what it's like to have
strangers pointing and laughing at you

because of the way that you look.

You can't understand a freak
until you've been treated like a freak.

Something about what Maggie said
made the wierdest thing happen.

My brain reminded me of something
I haven't thought of in years.

Hey, Hickey, come on,
take off that shirt.

Pool rules.

If I want to see a Hickey in a wet T-shirt,
I'll call your mother, all right ?

Coach Lou,
we talked about this.

My problem ?

Take off the shirt
or come back down the ladder.

Let's go.
Come on, buddy.

All the kids called me
Rasta Nipples.

Are they still that hairy ?

Yeah, but the rest of my chest
has kind of caught up with them.

Looks like the floor
of a barber shop.

I still don't like taking
my shirt off in public.

So you never jumped off
the high dive like you wanted to ?

Nope.

Did you ever confront the people
who hurt your feelings ?

No, but that's...

So what did you do ?

You ran away and hid.

I thought they were
calling you Pasta Nipples.

I was wondering how they knew
what your nipples tasted like.

Without a public defender,

the only other lawyer
Joy can afford was herself.

How's it going, lawyer lady ?

Cruddy.

I need the damn Dummies Guide
to the Dummies Guide.

I swear it seems like half
this legal stuff is written in Latin.

Can't even understand
the dang cartoons.

Well, this cartoon is easy.

Obviously, the camel is suing
for intentional tort because

the turtle had prior knowledge

that the rock would slip and
it would cause physical injury,

as well as deny him his liberty
to cross the stream.

Therefore, it leaving
the turtle liable.

Wrong !

It's a llama not a camel, stupid.

I can't believe this.

I'm gonna have to go kiss
that deaf lady's ass.

That's definitely
a dromedary camel.

I was having a hard time
dealing with what Maggie had said.

So the next morning I went
to do something about it.

You're a jackass.

Excuse me ?

Earl Hickey.

Very hairy nipples.

Look at that. Hickey.

How are you, Hickey ?

You know I could've jumped off
that high dive with my shirt on.

But you made me stand up there
like a freak while everybody laughed.

It was mean.

Because of you, I never got
to experience the thrill

of flying through the air into a pool
of water on a hot summer day.

Ow ! Ow ! Ow ! Ow !

What, do you think I'm some kind
of meathead gym teacher

who gets his kicks picking
on weak little kids ?

I was under that impression, yes.

Yeah ?
Did it ever occur to you

that maybe I was making you take
your shirt off for your own good ?

I... please let my ear go.

Of course the kids were going
to laugh at you, Hickey.

You have hairy nipples.

But so what ?

Listen, never let other people
keep you from living your life, Hickey.

And never poke a gym teacher
in his chest in front of his class.

Huh ?

I see you peeing in there,
Inchworm.

Pinch it off.

Coach Lou was right
to almost pull off my ear.

I shouldn't have poked him.

And he was right
about my nipples, too.

Laying there, I decided
what I needed to do next.

So I realized I let being called
a freak ruin something fun for me.

And I decided I'm not going
to let that happen again.

So, first thing
tomorrow morning,

I'm going to go back down
to that swimming pool

and I'm gonna jump off
that high dive shirtless and hairy.

And I want you to all come, too.

Who's with me ?

Come on, guys, you can do this.

Together we'll break free from
the judging stares of the world and...

and live the lives we want to.
William...

Jean...

Tommy...

Dude, you've got a hairy chest.

I've got hands
like a frickin' lobster.

It's not the same.

Maggie ?

Hello ?

Can I come inside ?

Hey.

Um...

where is the man
who hears for you ?

That's okay.

I brought you something
you can read anyway.

They didn't have any
for the hearing impaired,

so I got you a blind people card
with all the bumps on it.

Listen, I can understand
why you'd be mad at me.

I mean, it was wrong of me to think you'd
be stupid just because you're deaf.

But in my defense, the only other
deaf person I've known was stupid.

Actually, I think he might've been brain
damaged and maybe he really could hear,

but he was missing an ear.

Anyway, the point is
I'm sorry I was unfair.

I mean, I know what it's like
to be prejudiced against.

After all, my husband is black.

Mrs. Whitlow...

look, I can't go to jail,
please, I'm a mother.

And I know I might not be
the best mother there ever was,

but I love my kids.

And if I get locked up,
who's gonna tuck them in at night

and rub their bellies
when they have tummy aches

and kiss their little boo-boos
till they smile ?

And if you take my case, I promise
that I will give you the respect

and dignity that you
so clearly deserve.

Please help me.

Okay, Joy.

I'll represent you.

I'm sorry.

It's just if you could hear
the way you sound...

It's cool, though.

It's cool.

I'm fine.

The next morning,
I went down to the pool.

I was bummed no one
wanted to come with me,

but I still wanted to prove
something to myself.

And besides,
all I needed was me,

my two hairy nipples,
and a diving board.

But wanting to do something
and actually doing it

are two different things.

What are you guys doing here ?

We thought about what you said,
Earl. You're right.

We came here to live our lives
and to watch you live yours.

I had never felt more brave
in all my life.

* Well, if you want
to sing out, sing out *

* And if you want to be free *

And I'm pretty sure
they hadn't either.

* 'Cause there's a
million things to be *

* You know that there are *

* And if you want to live high,
live high *

* And if you want to live low,
live low *

* 'Cause there's a million ways to go, *
* you know that there are *

* You can do what you want *
* The opportunity's on... *

And their bravery
didn't stop at the pool.

They set out to follow their dreams.

Kevin got a job as a mechanic.

Paul became a stock trader.

Jean used her natural gift of massage
to get her chiropractor's license.

William worked as a chef.

Maggie took her love
for fixing up houses

and became a very
successful house seller.

And it turned out,

all Tommy ever wanted
was to be a kid.

That year, the traveling
carnival had its rides

and its fun foods, but...

because of me there was
something missing...

the sideshow.

And I felt good about that.

* You know that there are... *

Transcript: Raceman
Synchro: Dingo

What a bunch of freaks.

Hey, Earl ?

Yeah, Randy.

You think I could grow up beard
that is nice as Maggy's ?

Maybe.

If you willing to put the time.

I'll put the time
and I'll try really hard.

If I do grown nice beard, you think
they'd let me been in the carnival ?

No, they're nothing that special
about a bearded man.

Unless you're let it
on fire or something.

But then you have to wait for it
to grow back between shows, so...

it probably wouldn't
pay too much.

They probably just give you like
free snow cones and

unlimited ****** or something.

If I have my face on fire,
screw that.

Yeah, that's the right thing.

Good night, Earl.

Good night, Randy.