My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 2 - Jump for Joy - full transcript

My name is Earl.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Most mornings I wake up
thinking about the list.
But sometimes I have more
important things on my mind,
like court.
I'm gonna ask the judge
to smash this walnut
with his judge hammer.
I bet it explodes
like a Death Star.
You might be disappointed,
like when you got that tow truck
driver to drag your pumpkin.
He drove off before
I could get the wig on it.
Earl, thanks again
for loaning us all this money.
No problem, Crabman.
Besides,
what kind of man doesn't help
his ex-wife make bail?
Recently, Joy and Bargain Bag
had a difference of opinion
on their return policy.
- You can't return this.
- I have returned it.
- And somehow or another,
I'm gonna get my $3,000 back.
- No, you won't.
- Yes, I will.
- No. You won't.
- Yes, I will!
- In Joy's opinion, they were
being a little unethical.
- Cha-ching!
- So she stole their truck.
[ Tires Screeching ]
We found out there was more
in the Bargain Bag truck
than she bargained for.
I tried to help Joy,
but she was goin' down a path
I could not follow.
That path eventually
led her to jail.
Damn it, Carla!
Stop givin' me flat tires.
- That is the third one
since we got off the bus.
- Settle down.
Should I ask him now, Earl?
I saw a guy back there
with pistachios, and I don't
want him to go before me.
I don't think he's here
to get 'em cracked, Randy.
[ Mouthing Words ]
- [ Judge ]
Joy Turner.
- Yes, Your Highness?
Mrs. Turner, do you have
an attorney today?
Oh, I don't need one.
I wasn't about to put my mouth
near that pay phone after
that meth head puked on it.
- Very well. Bail is set
at one million dollars.
- [ Gavel Raps ]
- Excuse me?
- This is your third strike.
Third what?
[ Earl Narrating ] Apparently,
this incident wasn't Joy's first
serious run-in with the law.
Back in 1996,
Joy had a bright idea on how
to make some extra money.
Can we get some more green ink
in this machine?
Is that--
Are you copying money?
Shh! Don't say anything.
I'll make it worth your while.
Ma'am, I'm afraid
I can't let you--
What are you doing?
We have a policy.
I signed a loyalty oath!
That is my fake money!
Copy responsibly!
Copy responsibly!
[ Earl Narrating ]
Strike one: counterfeitin'.
And when Joy was gettin'
taken in for her first strike,
things got worse.
Easy, gorilla.
I just bought
these fingernails.
You don't like the process,
don't do the crime.
Let go! I can do it myself.
Damn it! You just broke one!
[ Grunts ]
[ Earl Narrating ] Strike two:
assault on a police officer.
Third strike?
I can't go away for life!
Hey, I want a deal!
I know things about all
those women! Jesus did not tell
Carla to kill her sick mama.
She just wanted
to go out dancin'!
Tell 'em the truth, Carla!
Don't lie! Tell 'em!
I don't know
if you remember me.
I was the guy with that pecan
when my brother tried
to steal the plane.
I don't know how you're
gonna make bail, Joy.
The bondsman will cost 10%.
That's a hundred grand.
I don't even have
that much money left.
But you still have some.
We can take it and copy it
and then have a hundred grand.
You know, counterfeit.
You've really been focused
on that walnut today,
haven't you, Randy?
Guys, I'm a flea's fart away
from life in prison here.
Someone needs to figure out
what the hell we're gonna do.
[ Earl Narrating ] Every group
of friends has one person
they turn to for advice.
Guns N' Roses had Axl.
Knight Rider
had the talkin' car.
And for my little circle
of delinquents,
the day I made my list
and turned my life around,
well, that person became me.
Why are you even
worrying about this?
Joy is in jail.
We should be in the town square
celebrating and tipping over
a giant, evil statue of her.
I know you don't like Joy,
but I just can't let her
sit in jail.
I don't like Joy either.
I also don't like it when they
put raisins in candy bars.
- Are you done
with your pulled pork?
- [ Earl ] Yeah, I can't eat.
Man, my eye's messed up.
Feels like there's a tiny little
bug heart beatin' in my eyelid.
- It's twitching.
That means you have stress.
- I don't have stress.
Stress is for doctors
and lawyers and army guys who
have to shoot dogs and whatnot.
[ Sighs ]
What are you doin', Randy?
I'm makin' a list of rich people
with a million dollars
we can borrow for Joy's bail.
"The Beverly Hillbillies."
They're super rich.
They're pretend, Randy,
just like Richie Rich
and Donald Trump.
- They're just TV characters.
- Well, the Jeffersons
are real, right?
'Cause we saw Mr. Jefferson
at the boat show last year.
Remember,
we gave him a dollar
to say "Weezy"?
Randy, we're not gettin'
any money from these guys.
If you're gonna
come up with names,
think of people we... know.
[ Earl Narrating ] There was
a name on that bag we could use,
but Randy didn't write it.
It was the only rich guy
we actually knew.
Chubby.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Richard Chubby was the
richest man in Camden County.
He owned everything.
You wouldn't clean your body
with discount chemicals,
so why should you treat
your clothes any differently?
'Cause if there's one thing
your clothes can appreciate--
It's the taste of slow cookin'
with the sloppiest sauce around.
Now, our meats
are aged to perfection.
And so be sure and bring
your kids down for--
Lap dance madness
every Tuesday.
There's all kinds of fun
goin' on at Club Chubby,
so come on down.
And don't forget,
sweatpants are allowed,
and truckers shower for free.
** [ Blues ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
I wasn't lookin' forward to
askin' Chubby for the money.
See, if he was poor,
we'd call him crazy.
But since he was rich,
we just called him "sir."
So as you can see, uh, Joy's
really in a bind here, sir.
[ Inhales ]
[ Man ]
* All through the night *
[ Shudders ]
Woof.
Smell it.
Go on. Smell it.
[ Clears Throat ]
* Walkin' round
just like a fool **
[ Sniffs ]
Nice. Vanilla.
Yeah.
Not you.
But I love vanilla.
It's my third
favorite flavor.
All right.
Just a whiff.
[ Sniffs ]
[ Chuckles ]
Smells like a cupcake
with boobies.
Open up.
This is
a real classy joint,
and I don't want to ever
hear "boobies" around here.
Got that?
Uh-huh.
[ Sighs ]
Vodka.
[ Laughing ]
[ All Laughing ]
[ Forced Laughter ]
That's funny, 'cause Randy
thought he was gonna get
his head blown off.
Yeah? I'll tell ya,
I got a problem, Earl.
I like Joy.
I like her a lot.
But I like my money too.
Chubby, you'll get your
money back, I promise.
I'll tell ya what. I've had
some trouble fillin' this place
since my best dancer left.
If you guys could find her,
get her dancin' again,
I'd be glad
to sign Joy's bail.
Great. So what's
the dancer's name?
Uh, look,
right over there.
- Catalina?
- Wonder if he's got
any extras of those.
Oh, yeah.
[ Earl Narrating ]
We always knew that Catalina
used to work at Club Chubby.
We just never realized she
was their number-one dancer.
Catalina's just gotta
dance again. I've already
imagined it, and it's great.
I'd show it to you,
except it's inside my head.
I don't know, Randy.
It's kind of a hard thing
to ask a friend.
"Hey, Catalina, you feel
like workin' for a crazy man...
"and shakin'
your half-naked body for
a bunch of sweaty drunks...
to help a woman
you can't stand
get out of jail?"
I'm sorry, Earl. After
you said "Catalina half naked,"
I didn't hear any... thing.
Sorry.
I said "Catalina half naked,"
and I forgot what--
I remember. You said
somethin' about Catalina
bein' half naked, and I--
I lost it again.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Sometimes Randy gets trapped
in his own brain loop.
It also happens
when he watches
Back to the Future.
When he finally
popped out of it,
we went to talk to Catalina.
[ Woman On Radio ]
* Everybody *
[ Man ] Get crazy!
* Everybody *
Get crazy!
Wow, look at you!
Dancin'.
* Everybody, everybody **
The music and the movement
keep the rats
from attacking my ankles.
Do it, Earl. Just remember,
don't start with the words
"half naked" because I--
Wow. So, uh, you've got
some good moves.
You used to do that
for a livin', right?
Yeah.
I wonder which half's
gonna be naked. I hope
it's the front half.
Randy!
I remember now.
Club Chubby, right?
Say, was that, uh--
was that a good experience?
You got to wear a bikini.
It's almost like gettin' paid
to go to the beach, right?
Only instead
of sand in your crack,
you get dollar bills.
Yeah, it was the perfect job.
I made great money.
It was glamorous.
But unfortunately,
it became too dangerous.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Catalina explained that her act
was a little different,
but made crowds go insane.
[ Cheering ]
* Jump around, jump around
jump around *
[ Earl Narrating ]
Most dancers at Club Chubby
just danced,
but Catalina,
she was special.
She jumped.
* Jump, jump, jump
jump, jump *
* Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump *
[ Earl ] But in the end,
Catalina found the risks as
a go-go dancer far too great.
* Jump, jump, jump
jump, jump, jump *
[ Gasps ]
- * Jump, jump, jump *
- [ Gasps ]
* Jump, jump, jump, jump **
** [ Organ ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
After seein' how deadly
her jumping could be,
Catalina made a promise
to herself.
I will never dance again.
Tell the part
about the jumpin' again.
Look, if you enjoy dancin'
and love the extra money,
it's crazy that you quit.
- What if the family
forgave you?
- How could they?
I killed a husband
and a father.
Listen, since I started
the list, I've found that people
can be pretty understanding.
Unless you're a girl
with one leg, but I think she
was already angry to start with.
Anyway, I think you'll
feel better if you talk
to this guy's family.
No one apologized to me for
the execution-style slaying
of my cousins...
during the Festival
of Redemption.
But you know what?
It would've felt nice.
- I'll do it.
- Jump around, jump around.
Jump up, jump up
and get down.
I mean,
when you're ready.
[ Earl Narrating ] It turns out
the horny guy with the weak
heart was a club regular.
So Chubby knew his name
and that he had
a family business.
Hello.
I'd like to see Mr. Tucker,
Clark Tucker's son.
What is it regarding?
Tell him the woman is here
who is responsible for
his father's tragic death.
[ Gasps ]
You are as beautiful
as the legends describe.
The slayer
of el diablo has come!
Mr. Tucker made us work
16 hours a day...
in a cramped,
sweltering hot room
for almost no money.
You mean, like this?
Oh, no. Mr. Tucker's son,
he install a fan.
You see that, Catalina?
'Cause of you, this place
isn't a sweatshop anymore.
Just a place where people
work unreasonable hours
for low pay.
But at a comfortable
88 degrees. Come!
- [ Applause ]
- I can dance again.
[ Crashing ]
[ Gasping ]
- I was just
turnin' it on high.
- Oh!
[ Earl Narrating ]
I was glad Catalina was willing
to go back to Club Chubby...
'cause that meant
I'd be able to get Joy
out of jail soon.
But Randy was probably
the happiest of all.
You're very good at this.
I used to help my mom with this
before she did her mall walkin'.
Oh, does your mother
like to exercise?
- Let's not talk
about my mom right now.
- Okay.
** [ Blues Rock ]
Pooch, in about 10 minutes
I'll be in my office.
I want you to send over
a steak and a girl,
both drenched
in hollandaise sauce.
Thanks for doin' this,
Chubby.
And, uh, if you don't mind,
I'd rather Catalina not know...
you're gonna bail
Joy out tomorrow.
I hear ya.
You gettin' a little somethin'
from both those gals?
Just a really bad case
of eye twitches.
I got that
from Desiree once.
Gotta wash your hands
real good and drink a lot
of cranberry juice.
[ Earl Narrating ]
For a second, I thought
my plan had worked out.
Hey, Earl.
Hey, Crabman.
[ Earl ]
But then I realized
what Darnell was holdin'.
See, when Darnell's happy with
somethin' you've done for him,
he always thanks you
the same way--
with homemade lemon squares.
As good as they were,
those tasty little treats
were gonna screw up my plan...
'cause Darnell wasn't
givin' 'em to me.
He was givin' 'em
to Catalina to thank her
for bailin' out Joy.
And there was only one response
Catalina was gonna have to that.
[ Announcer ]
A round of applause
for Catalina!
[ Men Chanting ]
Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!
I will not jump for Joy.
Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!
Jump! Jump!
Jump! Jump!
[ Earl Narrating ]
Catalina was angry about
the whole Club Chubby thing,
but there was someone else
who was even angrier.
She wouldn't dance?
That's all them people do
is dance.
Did you try
throwin' a hat down
in front of her?
Hi. My man's not here.
You want to chat?
Okay.
What are you in for?
I killed my man.
Look, Joy, people
don't want to help you
when you insult them.
That's why that troop of
"flat-chested pigmy sluts"...
won't deliver
Girl Scout cookies
to you anymore.
Fine. Whatever.
Just bring her down here,
and I'll apologize.
Really? I didn't know
you knew how to do that.
I'll do anything
to get out of here, Earl.
It's horrible.
I can't even use
the toilet in my cell because
my roommate's makin' wine.
I'm sorry.
You seem really nice.
But I just don't
feel comfortable puttin'
the phone down my pants...
and lettin' you
talk to my stuff.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Generally, people don't like
seein' their enemies,
but they do like seein'
their enemies behind bars.
Nice jumpsuit.
Ain't you sweet.
Now, Earl tells me
that for some crazy reason
you think we're not friends.
The first time you saw me,
you called me a whore.
No, you just misunderstood
what I said.
Which is understandable,
I mean, because you're Mexican.
I'm not Mexican.
Whatever.
You speak Mexican.
- I speak Spanish.
- You both speak "friendly,"
so let's just go with that.
Look, I'm not stupid.
I know you hate me,
and I know why you hate me.
It's because I'm hot.
Excuse me?
Damn it.
There goes the eye again.
You're jealous
of my hotness.
Admit it, and I'll consider
using my incredible body
to free you from prison.
But not the prison
of your fat body. For that,
you have a life sentence.
I'm jealous? Sweetheart, I'm
about 10 times hotter than you.
You're a man compared to me.
Really? 'Cause the line on
my stomach is from my muscles
and not a C-section scar.
That is not a C-section scar!
That's from where my prom date
stabbed me.
I had both my babies
naturally.
Then I'm sure your gatito
is as saggy as your breasts.
Do these look saggy to you?
I could float half your village
across a muddy river
on these puppies!
I've heard enough.
This was a hell of an apology.
Enjoy your jail time.
And by the way, your eyeballs
are too big for your head.
You look like Finding Nemo.
My eyeballs are big?
Yeah, well, all the better
to see your fat ass
waddle away with!
Really? You couldn't
pretend to be nice
for two minutes?
I've seen you act crippled
for a half day just to skip
the lines at Six Flags.
Look, I don't need her.
If Chubby wants a top earner,
then I'll dance and earn
more than she ever did.
I'm made in America,
not a maid in America.
You'd be laughin'
if you could see how I
spelled that in my head.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Chubby had always wanted
to see Joy in a bikini,
and he figured other people
might like that too,
and he was right.
Had a bomb gone off
in there that night,
there wouldn't have been
a straight man left in Camden.
God, there's a lot of people
I know out there.
What the hell does
my gyno expect to see
that he hasn't seen already?
Man, why am I so nervous?
I don't know.
You've sure danced naked
in front of us enough times.
Not at the same time, but--
Actually, uh,
there was that one time when
I was hiding in the closet.
Wait. Was that
on Thanksgivin'?
- Yeah, we thought
you'd fallen asleep.
- I thought I heard somethin'.
First I thought
it was a squirrel.
Man, that is some wild stuff.
Can you ladies take
your tea party outside?
I need to calm my nerves.
How long were you in there?
For a couple of hours, man.
[ Earl Narrating ]
I would've stayed and talked her
through her stage fright,
but it was clear
Joy didn't need me.
All she needed
was a nip of whiskey,
followed by
a pint of tequila.
** [ Rock ]
[ Announcer ]
All right, Camden County!
It's time to turn
your imaginations off
and your eyeballs on...
for the sensual gyrations
of Joy Turner!
[ Cheering ]
Hey, this ain't my song.
No, this ain't--
this ain't my song.
* My blood runs cold
My memories have just
been sold *
Yes, it is!
[ Earl ] Although Joy had
consumed enough liquor to have
the courage to get up on stage,
well, she was dangerously close
to fallin' off.
Change! What the hell
do I look like, a fountain?
* Angel is a centerfold
Na, na, na-na-na-na **
[ Gagging ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
Turns out Joy was a fountain.
After she threw up
on the entire front row,
Chubby called off the deal.
I can't go to jail, Earl.
I can't give up this freedom.
-What are we gonna do now, Earl?
-Hold on, Randy. I'm thinkin'.
We don't have a lot of time.
They'll come get Joy as soon
as Chubby takes his bail back.
I know. Give me
a minute to think.
We don't have a minute, Earl.
I need you to help me.
- I can't raise
them kids on my own.
- They'll eat him alive.
He can't even cook
for his own damn self. How's
he gonna cook for two boys?
I can't have 'em.
I love my nephews, but--
[ Earl Narrating ] You know
how I said every group looks
to one guy for all the answers,
and that guy is me?
Well, sometimes that guy
passes out from the pressure.
[ Inhaling, Exhaling ]
- Hey, Earl.
- ** [ Hip-hop ]
Hey, Crabman.
[ Earl Narrating ]
I started to realize
where I was and what happened.
But then I heard that song,
and, well, I figured
I must be dreamin'.
Catalina's jumpin', Earl.
It's just like
it was in my head,
only now I can show it to you.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Only I wasn't.
* Jump around
Jump around *
* Jump around *
* Jump up, jump up
and get down *
* Jump, jump, jump
jump, jump *
* Jump, jump, jump, jump
jump, jump, jump, jump **
[ Announcer ]
Give it up for Catalina!
Hey. So what made you
change your mind about Joy?
Oh, I would never
change my mind about Joy.
She's a buttbag.
A what?
A buttbag.
It's a bag of butts.
Anyway, when you passed out,
I realized you were killing
yourself to help a friend.
Joy's "gynocologicalist" said
I had an anxiety attack.
I don't know why I let it
all bother me so much.
Because you're a good man,
a good friend.
You care so much,
it was tearing you apart.
I was the only one who could
ease your pain, but I was being
small and petty. A buttbag.
[ Announcer ]
Gentlemen, let's see if we
can get her back up here.
Now a nice round of applause
for Catalina!
[ Cheering ]
Always remember this:
When I jump, I jump for Earl.
I would never jump for Joy.
[ Cheering, Whistling ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
And just like that,
Joy was out on bail.
Randy got to see
what was already in his head,
my eye stopped twitchin',
and Catalina was back to
doin' somethin' she loved,
which made everybody happy,
especially the truckers
in sweatpants.
But most importantly,
I realized that even though
Catalina wasn't Joy's friend,
she was definitely mine.
Hey, Earl?
Yeah, Randy?
If I had a squirt gun
filled with vodka,
I'd shoot cops with it
'cause they couldn't get mad.
I think they'd still
get mad, Randy.
Really?
But they'd
be gettin' free vodka.
I'm gonna try it.
Well, have fun,
'cause you're only gonna
get to do it once.
Good night, Randy.
Good night, Earl.