My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 15 - Foreign Exchange Student - full transcript

TEAM EARL?: Cordesh, Reivilo, Rbuys, csivore, Dingo.
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Can I lick the envelope when you're done??

I like knowing my spit's going
all the way to France.

The furthest my spit's ever
gone before is wherever

that hippie who asked us
for directions was going.

Just remember,
up and down, not side to side.

You don't want to cut yourself again.

I don't normally write letters,
much less to foreign countries,

but I'm doing #44 on my list
picked on a French kid.

He was an exchange student
from France who went to my school.

His name was Pierre,
and he was kind of different.



That's the kind of kid
I liked to pick on.

Good morning, class.

This is our exchange student, Pierre.

Welcome to America, Commie.

Pourquoi??

And picking on someone was always

the one thing in school
I could concentrate on.

But like my grandmother's French poodle,

eventually that little bitch bit back.

Time's up. Trade quizzes
with your neighbor.

Number one?:
the answer is 47.

Earl Hickey has it wrong.

What are you doing??

Reading your quiz.



Cut it out. In America,
we don't read them out loud.

Answer two is 12.

Earl Hickey put 5.

Plus, there is a booger on the page.

He put it there.

It's a French booger.

I think it's funny
when people look stupid,

except when that person is me.

This school wasn't big
enough for the two of us.

So I decided to let Pierre know
that his choices were go home or die.

Go back to where you came from,
you stupid jerk.

It worked.

Pierre left the school, the country
and never came back.

So I sent Pierre
a plane ticket

and a letter asking him to give
America another try.

I also put in
a picture of myself

so he'd remember who I was.

I can't wait for you to give Willy
the mailman your envelope.

When he sees he's got
to go all the way to France,

he's going to be pissed.

Two weeks later,

me and Randy both got
something exciting in the mail.

Pierre's coming to visit, Randy.

And I got my Rainbow
Sugar Bits night light.

Catalina's going to like this.

She loves rainbows, and
it smells like fake fruit cereal.

And chicken.

Oh, that's just my hand.

The reason Randy
was hoping Catalina

would like the night light
was'cause

their relationship had
changed in a major way.

After Catalina got deported,
Randy married her

so she could get back
in the country.

Then they got an apartment in case
Immigration checked up on them.

And today was moving day.

Only Randy wasn't sure
if he was actually moving.

Hey, Earl, you think she wants me
to sleep there

or am I supposed
to just leave my stuff??

Only one person knows
the answer to that.

God.

Maybe.

And also Catalina.

Oh.

Randy wanted to ask her,

but every time he started thinking
about sleeping at Catalina's,

he started thinking about
sleeping with Catalina.

Hey, Catalina, I'm...

And thinking about that
made him giggle.

Uh... would...

I didn't ask her.

Sometimes being an American

means going all out to say you're sorry
to a foreigner you strangled.

I didn't know what
the French flag looked like,

so I just drew that boot shape
to represent France.

Actually, Italy is the one
shaped like a boot.

Really?? What's France shaped like??

It's just an amorphous country shape.

Yeah, I don't think
I can draw that.

But I think Italy's near France,
so I'll just go with the boot.

Why the hell are you making something up
to a French guy anyway??

Can't stand French people.

Dated a guy from Quebec once.

He was obsessed with my feet.

Your feet??! Are you kidding??

You got that toe that's turned away
like it's mad at all the other ones.

That's what I'm saying.

Probably all like feet.

Whole damn country's
shaped like a boot.

That's Italy.

Pierre??

Earl?? Earl Hickey??

Pierre...

Damn, I thought you people
were afraid to fight.

Oh, a World War II joke??

That's fresh.

Holy crap?!

That head butt was so damn rad.

You know what??

Maybe French people ain't so bad.

I mean, I love your nail tips

and I been doing your kind
of kissing since I was 12.

Now I shall bid you adieu.

What?? Wait.

You... you just got here.

And I did what I came to do.

So I'm catching
my return flight and leaving,

before anything more than
the soles of my shoes

touches your pee hole of a country.

What'd he just say??

It's okay, Joy.

He-He just had a long plane ride.

Plus, I strangled him.

Which I'm sorry for, Pierre.

And I want to make it up
to you, so just

stay a few days,

and I'll show you what's
great about America.

I would rather eat the foie gras

of a substandard goose.

I have a taxi waiting.

Wait, Pierre...

Sorry about your purse.

This is Louis Vuitton.

This isn't the kind of bar

you want people to know
you named your purse.

In France, you would be in a zoo.

I knew Pierre would be back.

Not because what I said convinced him
to give America another try, but

because I had temporarily stolen
his wallet and passport.

*Zut, alors?!*

Hey, change your mind??

No, my wallet and passport are missing.

You check your purse??

You son of a bitch, it's a satchel.

Look,

I know this didn't go how
either of us planned, but,

hey, maybe this is Karma saying

you should give America
another chance.

You know, one of the cool things
about us

is that we like to take in foreigners

and help'em when they're down.

Yeah, right.
Give me one example.

You ever see E.T.?

Oh, you mean that movie
where your government

kidnapped an innocent alien
and almost tortured him to death??

Oh, and then when he escapes
they chased him with guns,

forcing him to flee America
and fly back home??

You ever see the movie
Moscow on the Hudson??

Since replacing a passport
and credit cards takes a while,

Pierre had no choice but
to be my guest in America.

So I got him a motel room
right next door to mine.

So I am guessing there
is no 24-hour concierge??

Uh, if "concierge" is a
fancy word for hooker,

they'll be around as soon as
the methadone clinic closes.

I don't...

Now I'd like to present to you
a very special gift,

a token from me to you
of friendship

and super national understanding.

It's a Statue of Liberty bobblehead.

I know, stupid,
it came from France.

No, it says here
it came from China.

No, the original.

It was a gift
for humiliating England.

And what did you do with it??

You floated it in
the sewage from New Jersey

and allowed millions of obnoxious tourists

to drop gum and snow
cones in her bosom.

I never knew the Statue
of Liberty was a woman.

I had a lot of questions
about America for Pierre,

but I wanted to be the expert,

so I kept my mouth shut

and just showed him
the stuff I did know.

And there was a lot of stuff right here
in Camden that made America great.

Like the gravel pile.

Pretty cool, huh??

Sometimes we throw pennies in there

and then when they make a new road,
we go looking for them.

Haven't found any yet.

Let's see some other stuff.

I took him to see Camden County's
largest freeway pileup.

Now imagine this spread out
a mile along the freeway.

It made the Guinness Book
of World Records.

Okay, that's a lie.

But it's probably
in a book somewhere.

He was hard to please.

He wasn't even impressed by some
of Camden's most beautiful sites.

It's like taking a trip around
the world, huh??

You see all the Jesuses??

When you walk by
the black one, he winks.

I had shown Pierre a ton of gravel,

smashed cars and fancy art.

I didn't know how to top it.

So I needed help from some
people who loved America.

And on Friday night,

The Crab Shack's crawling with them.

How can you not like this country??

It's got everything you want.

Except for a big-ass fence
on the border.

We're working on that, too.

In America, you can get a
hamburger as big as your head

and a marshmallow as small
as your pinkie toe.

We got baseball,
roller coasters,

and a system of jurisprudence based
on Jeffersonian democracy

and not the Napoleonic Code.

That little dude was wack.

Racial harmony,
pursuit of happiness, Seinfeld...

Dream Date,

Northern Lights, Maui Wowee,

Mendocino Greeno,

Carolina Sugar Bud,
government medicinal...

It's not bad for legal weed.

Big-ass malls,
Santa Claus, kid leashes...

Pac-Man, Donkey Kong,
Dig Dug,

Mrs. Pac-Man, Frogger,
Mrs. Frogger...

We don't have that one yet, but I'm sure
the scientists are working on it.

Macy's Thanksgiving Parade...

Rose Bowl Parade...

Homo Pride Parade.

All the wars we've won...

Revolutionary, Spanish-American,

1812...

We won that war 18 to 12??

That was a close one.

Women shave their armpits.

We play football the right way.

Lance Armstrong...

Vive la France?!

I was about to give up on changing
Pierre's mind about America,

but then I realized maybe there was
a better person for the job.

But America's such a great country.

Everywhere you look
there's toilet paper.

Some of it even has lotion in it.

Mmm, it takes a lovely woman
like you

to make such a horrible place
sound so wonderful.

It is wonderful.

America is the land of
the free and the home of the slaves.

Oh, Catalina, you have that, um...

*Comment est-ce qu'on dit??*
how do you say...?

*Je ne sais quoi.*

Isn't this great??

Americans and foreigners

sitting around having fun together.

It's true what they say.

America really is a melting pie.

Earl?! Earl?! Earl?!

- Earl??
- What, Randy??

The French dude likes Catalina.

I know, it's great, isn't it??

It's the first time he smiled
since he got here.

He wouldn't even smile
at Giggle Belly.

Who's not going to laugh at this??

"Hey, I'm a baby.
Watch me suck my thumb."

"Hey..."

You neither??

Maybe I'm drawing him wrong.

This is important, Earl.

He's hitting on her
and I think she likes it.

Randy, you're overreacting.

He's making eyes at her, Earl.

Just like that French
skunk does with the girl cat,

only this time the girl
cat's not trying to get away.

Just relax and trust me.

"Or you'll get a kiss."

Shut up, Giggle Belly.

And that is why they call it
the city of light.

Wow, Paris sounds so beautiful.

It's the most beautiful thing
I have ever seen.

- Until now.
- Really??

Camden's prettier??

You are so modest.
I love that about you.

Excuse me a moment.

Wow, he's going to the bathroom.

That's disgusting.

I like him. I think he's kind of sweet.

Go back to where you came from,
you stupid jerk.

Catalina is mine?!

Pierre, what happened??

Your brother squished my throat.

Damn it, Randy.

What the hell'd you do, Randy??

I strangled him a little.

Randy, you're screwing up my list.

He was making a move on Catalina.

Well, so what if he was??

Huh??

Look, there's always going
to be guys

who want to ask your wife out.
She's hot.

Besides, she isn't your real wife.

She doesn't even know you love her.

I'll tell her when the time is right.

When's that gonna be, Randy??
You keep dragging

this thing out and
you're driving me crazy.

If you're not man enough
to talk to Catalina,

||all you deserve is
a green card marriage.

Stop it.

- Green card marriage.
- Stop it, Earl.

- Green card marriage.
- Stop it?! I'm warning you?! Stop it?!

- Stop it, Earl?!
- Oh, gross, Randy.

Ugh?! It's got a hair on it.
Randy, what are you doing??

Stop saying what you're saying.

I'm only saying it'cause
you know I'm right.

Leave me alone?!

Stay out of my life?!

Fine, but nothing's going to change

until you grow a pair and
finally tell Catalina.

Grow a pair of what and tell me what??

Nads, and, uh, I...

I, um...

I've been wanting to say something to you

ever since I saw you and, and...

called dibs.

I think you're the most beautiful,
sweetest girl I ever met, and

I want to squash bugs for you
and pick you up over puddles,

and be a real husband
because I love you.

I love you, too, Randy.

Earl.

Earl.

What am I gonna do??
Randy thinks I love him.

Well, that's what happens
when you tell a man you love him.

What else could I do??

I didn't want to humiliate
him in front of all of those people.

Look, I've got to go talk to Pierre
before he gets on a plane.

Just find a way to let Randy down easy.

Be honest and he'll understand.

And when you talk to him,
if one of your breasts

accidentally falls out of your shirt,

wouldn't be the worst
thing in the world.

Pierre??

Pierre??

Go away?!

I have an attack dog in here.

Down, boy.

Pierre wouldn't answer
when I knocked,

so I spent all night trying
to get his attention

through a bullet hole in the wall.

Look, Pierre, I know
you don't want to talk,

but you're my guest,
so I have to give you breakfast.

I hope you like Rainbow Sugar Bits.

Earl.

I'm giving breakfast to the French guy.

Hey, can I borrow your master
key to break into his room??

Any time.

Guess what??

Last night, Joy told me how
to solve my problem with Randy.

You don't really love that doofus,
do you??

No, I just didn't want to hurt him.

I hear you.

Listen, nobody is more sensitive
to hurting people's feelings than me.

Tell you what you need to do.

You need to have sex with him.

This feels like the time you told me
the public pool was topless.

I forgot about that.

My boys still ask about you.

No, this is serious.

Once I had a breakup with
this dude from Quebec,

but I didn't want to hurt
his feelings

because he was assistant
manager at Sam Goody

and I was getting all kinds
of free cassettes.

So I slept with him.

Only I made sure I was terrible at
it so he'd never want to do it again.

You slept with a guy
for free cassettes??

Just once.
It was before CDs.

Don't you judge me.

What you need to do is get yourself
all stinky, smelly and nasty.

Don't shower, don't shave,
let that mustache grow out a little.

If you're bad enough at it, he'll never
want to have sex with you again.

You can just go back to being friends.

Thanks, Joy.

That might actually work.

Wait a second.

How old were you??
CDs came out in 19...

Okay, I said don't judge me.

By tomorrow he might not want
to have sex with me ever again.

He may not want to have sex

with anyone ever again,
but that is not my problem.

Well, good luck with that.

Hey, Earl, guess what??

I know, Randy, I know.

Oh, good, you're eating.

Look, I just want to apologize
for what my brother did.

It's a long story and...

he ruined it.

I was going to get the girl
with my sexy accent.

That never works at home.

Wait, you don't talk like that at home??

Everybody talks like this at home.

That is why we come here,
to get that edge.

But that edge is worthless

if someone is always going
to be blocking the rooster.

I don't think you translated that right.

It's always the same with you Hickeys.

Every time I get close to the romance,
you screw it up.

Just like when we were in school.

Turns out, while
I was hating Pierre,

the girls in the class
were loving him.

You are so funny, Pierre.

When you held up Earl's quiz,
he looked like he was going to cry.

And the best part is,
it was my booger.

I am going to the lavatory,

and when I come back,

I will judge the kissing contest.

He never got to judge that contest

'cause when he went into
the bathroom, I strangled him.

No wonder none of the stuff
I did made you smile.

You didn't come here
to learn about America.

You came for the girls.

Yes, of course.

First I was going to kiss
the redhead.

Then I was going to kiss
the blonde.

Then I was going to make
the redhead kiss the blonde. Ah?!

I had it all planned out.

Then it hit me like
a head butt.

I knew how to cross
Pierre off my list.

Pucker up, my French buddy.
We're going to find those girls.

So the next day we went out

to find the four girls
he didn't get to kiss.

And Pierre was right
about one thing.

That accent cut right through
all the small talk.

Finding the girls wasn't nearly
as hard as I thought.

It was a beautiful thing watching
Pierre's French accent

blend with
our native tongue.

There was one girl from
class we couldn't find.

Fortunately, she had
a real friendly sister.

Since the first four went so well,
Pierre decided to tell me

about a fifth girl
he had a crush on.

And I knew right
where to find her.

I learned something
that day.

Whether you speak French,

American or that crazy
clicking sound

they make in the jungle
somewhere,

there's one language
that everybody can speak,

the language of love.

You know what, Pierre??
I was a little iffy on you, but

I was wrong.

You're a good guy.

I feel like I made a friend.

Me, too.

I was wrong about America.

When I was young I dreamt
it was a wonderful place,

and you made the dream come true.

Well, come back sometime

and maybe I'll help you
get to second base.

Oh, but of course.

I will come back the next time
I need a break...

from my stupid wife and kids.

What??

While I was trying to figure out if
I needed to put Pierre's wife on my list,

Randy's wife was putting
stuff on her armpits.

In fact, she was doing anything
she could to make sure

she gave Randy
the worst night of his life.

Catalina??

I'm ready to, uh...

Catalina??

Climb in bed, Randy,
and make love to me

the way your father does
to your mother.

That night Randy learned
that two hours of torture

could wipe out almost two years of love.

Ow, ow, ow, that's sharp.

Joy's advice to Catalina
worked perfectly.

But there was one thing
Catalina hadn't planned on.

That was amazing.

Randy.

Where are you going??

I have to, uh... to...

to the motel.

Please, don't go, Randy.

That was the best sex I ever had.

You were so sweet and so caring.

I felt so loved.

Really?? Because I was
just trying not to barf.

I know. I...

I smell like fish,
cheese and onions.

But that was on purpose.
I could wash it off.

You can't wash off the fact
that you pretended to be my mo...

I'll never be able to shake that.

I'm sorry.

I don't want to hurt your feelings
or lose you as a friend.

But this is just a green card marriage.

Randy, come back.

You were amazing.

Please, don't go, Randy.

Randy, please.
You were amazing.

Randy, please, don't go...!

TRANSCRIPT?: Raceman
www.forom.com