My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 16 - B.L.O.W - full transcript

I told you-- the light beer
drinks faster.

Well, it only makes sense.

My name is Earl.

Check it out. I was in my deaf
lawyer's office, and the most
unbelievable thing happened.

She can hear now?
No, you idiot.

- She can see through walls?
- Yeah, that's it, genius.
She can see through walls.

[ Earl Narrating ]
With Joy's court date
gettin' closer,

she was meetin' with
her lawyer's assistant
to go over a few things.

Don't say things
you've seen in the movies,

like "You're out of order,"
or "You can't handle the truth."

It's all here,
in this pamphlet.



God, don't you have anything
shorter?

There is nothing shorter.
That's why it's called
a "pamphlet."

Technically, there is
a leaflet or a flyer.

Just make sure your
whole family's in court--

parents, husband, cousins,
even your half sister.

Half sister?
[ Scoffs ]
I don't have a half sister.

Um, according to our
background check, you do.

That son of a bitch.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Last Christmas,

Joy's father admitted
to several multiracial
extramarital affairs.

So her havin' a half sister
didn't come as that much
of a shock.

- Wow, a half sister.
- Is it the top half
or the bottom?

I'm amazed they even
kept her alive.

I'm amazed
they kept you alive.

Congratulations.
That's great.



Yeah, great like a weenie wart.
You're never gonna
guess who it is.

Liberty Washington.

[ Earl Narrating ] Liberty
Washington was Joy's sworn enemy
ever since kindergarten.

She said I was supposed
to erase it, dummy.

No! She said I could,
you road whore!

Your mama's a road whore!

[ Earl Narrating ]
As Joy and Liberty grew, so did
their hatred for each other.

And that's why America should
join the League of Nations.

Thank you, President Wilson.

Mr. Henry Cabot Lodge,
your rebuttal.

Rebuttal?
Or big-buttal?

[ Students Laughing ]
President Wilson smokes
cigarettes down by the creek.

Oh, yeah? Well, I happen to
know that Henry Cabot Lodge
has a condom in her purse.

Bring it!
Let's do this!

Girls.

[ Earl Narrating ]
As time passed, and they saw
each other less and less,

they still managed to hate
each other more and more.

Liberty!

Joy.

Parking space says "Compact,"
so unless you want a ticket,
you better move your fat ass!

What'd you just say?

Whoa! Whoa!

Oh, hell no!

- Oh, you gonna cut me?
- Oh, yeah.

Okay. What do I got?

Enjoy the parking space,
'cause you're gonna be here
for a while!

Liberty, just calm down, okay?

I got hair spray
and a lighter.

- Hope your man likes barbecue.
- Bring it.

Don't test her.
I've seen her cook
a turkey that way.

- Just-- Just go.
- Fine. But I'm not leavin'
because I'm scared.

I'm leavin' to find my man
a new parkin' space. Hmph!

I could've taken her.

You've seen
how much damage I can do
with a homemade blowtorch.

I got a better idea.

Let's see how much damage
we can do with her credit card
that I just took.

[ Earl Narrating ] Me and Joy
went on a big shoppin' spree
on Liberty's dime.

We even paid for a homeless man
to have laser eye surgery,

then hired him
as a butler for the day.

Sir, madame,
your pockets are hot.

And by the end of the month,
Liberty was up to
her eyeballs in debt.

No, I did not buy tickets
to Graceland.

Elvis stole his music
from the black man.

Why would I want to see what
he bought with the money?

And there it was.
Number 101 on my list--
[ Ringing ]

Hello.
stole a girl's identity.

If I was rentin' jet skis
in Tennessee right now,

do you think
I'd be answerin'
this phone call?

Can you believe that
somebody with my blood...

runnin' through their veins
could be such a royal bitch?

God!

How come I never got anything
from that stolen card?

How do you think we paid for
your tap dancing lessons?

Oh, yeah.
I was really good at that.

[ Earl Narrating ] When we went
to Liberty's to make up
for stealin' her identity,

I found out she'd always known
there was a white sheep
in her family.

Yeah, my mama told me
she was my half sister,

but I was led to believe
if I kept quiet, there'd be
a college fund when I turned 18.

But I think by lookin'
at my house, you can tell
that didn't materialize.

Talkin' about Joy
gets her so agitated,

it even upsets
Mr. Bearded Dragon over there.

Last week, he couldn't even eat
his lettuce and whatnot.

Not even the arugula.

Anyway, I was hopin' to do
something to make up for
runnin' up your credit card.

I don't know what you can do.
I got all that debt erased.

They finally realized
a black woman didn't have
any use for a tanning bed...

or Jimmy Buffet tickets.

Hey, Liberty, my sister's
watchin' the twins,

so if you want to wrestle,
we gotta do it now.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Turns out Liberty was tryin'
to become a pro wrestler.

Every Saturday at Camden High,
they had amateur
wrestling events,

and Liberty was becoming
the star.

She knew that wrestling
needs controversy,

so she paid her neighbor
to be her rival.

She also knew she wanted
the crowd on her side,
[ Crowd Booing ]

and it was hard for people
not to root for Liberty when
she was fightin' the Klanimal.

Her neighbor Karen was not only
light enough to throw around,

she was a former ice skater,
so she had some good moves.

[ Booing ]

Even Liberty's husband,
Ray Ray, was in the routine.

He played an evil manager
called "Da Man."

Martin Luther King Boulevard?
Not in my town!

It's gonna be
Wayne Newton Avenue!
[ Laughing ]

A talent scout from the
Black Ladies of Wrestling...

was coming to see her
at the end of the month,
and Liberty was ready.

That's so cool that
you're a wrestling villain.

Only time I got to be
a villain was in a church play.

I got to poke Jesus
with a broomstick spear.

- All right, it's practice time.
- Baby.

I'm still dizzy from that
pile driver on Saturday.

I love you, Ray Ray,
but you're gonna have
to suck it up.

I have an audition,
and I need a villain!
It's pretty outside.

When was the last time
we just went for a walk?

Why do you always have
to drop me on my head?
Here we go again.

Well, wrestling is your thing.
Waa, waa, waa.

I like picking wildflowers
and guessing what
the clouds look like.

You're squashing
my dreams, Ray Ray!
You're squashing my dreams!

Can I take Ray Ray's place,
Earl? I think it'd be fun
to be a wrestling villain.

Plus, I'd be good at it
'cause I got a really hard head
you can break stuff on.

Remember the bottle
and the shovel...

and that thing
they measure your feet
with at the shoe store?

Well, technically,
I should be the person helpin'.

But I know how much
you love wrestlin'.

What do you think, Liberty?

Well, let's see.

Hey, Ray Ray!
You can go on that long walk
with your stupid lizard!

I found a new white devil!

While Randy's dream of gettin'
beat up by a woman in tights
was finally comin' true,

Joy was tryin' to find ways
to make herself more
sympathetic to her jury.

Come on, Mr. Turtle.
If you're gonna keep
sleepin' with us,

you're gonna have to do
somethin' about your breath.

This pamphlet says
pregnant women have
a 50% higher acquittal rate...

with sympathetic juries.

Double snap.

Darnell, get your jammy
bottoms off right now.
Why?

Because you're gonna get me
impregnated so I won't be
incarcerated.

Damn, I know a lot
of big words.

Joy, that's a terrible reason
to have a baby.

A terrible reason?
Darnell, the reason I had my
first child was a broken condom.

The reason I had my second one
was because we were standin' up,

you had a cramp in your leg,
prohibitin' you from makin'
a timely exit.

Stayin' out of jail is
the best reason I've ever had.

Now, gimme that thingy
and let's do this.
No, no, no! Stop pullin' on me!

What if the worst case scenario
happens and you go to prison?

Then I'll be takin' care of
three kids who miss their mama,

and that's not fair to them
or to me.

Is that all you think about--
you and the kids?

I love you, Joy.
But I'm sorry, I won't do it.

Fine!
But just so you know,

I didn't wash the sheets
from last night yet,
so I may not need you anyway!

[ Earl Narrating ]
Since nowadays wrestling
is planned in advance,

I played Liberty
to help Randy learn his lines.

"Step off, 'cause you're about
to get bum-rushed by a black
woman with an attitude.

Bi-otch."
"Well, come at me.

"Even if you knock me down,
you're not gettin' anywhere,

because I made sure the S.A.T.s
are 'rackially' biased."

"Oh, no, you 'di-int.'
Bring it on, sucka fool."

Hey, Randy, I just saw
a praying mantis...

eating a monster cricket
down by the swimmin' pool.

Cool. I've been waitin'
for someone to step up
and take on that cricket.

Well, looky here.
Looks like we got us
a little private time.

- You want to have sex?
- Joy, are you crazy?

Crazy for you.

Made us some sangria.

I'll drink the sangria,
but the days of me
and you havin' sex are over.

I need to get knocked up, Earl.
Juries go easier
on pregnant women,

and you know I got a deaf lawyer
and I'm guilty, so I need
all the help I can get,

and Darnell's
not givin' it to me,
so I need it from you.

Look, it sounds
like a perfectly good plan,
but I can't be a part of that.

Besides, I can't do that
to Darnell.

Oh, come on, Earl.
You spent a few years taking
care of one of his babies.

Now he can take care
of one of yours.
Joy, just go home.

God. I have never been
0-for-2 in one night.

Two-for-three,
but never 0-for-2.

Randy. You know where
babies come from?

Yeah.
The bottom of that fuzzy
lightning bolt.

Joy!

Is that sangria?

[ Narrating ] So I went back
to my list item, which meant
more lookin' at girls wrestlin'.

Five, six, seven.

And bribe the ref,
turn around,

hit, kick,
gouge the eyes,

palm the blood pack,
rake the face.

Blind man reach,
blind man reach.

Hey, baby.
There's a man on the phone...

wants to know
if we're interested in
a mountain time-share.

Says there's only two left,
so we gotta act quick.

Not interested.

- [ Banging Ground, Ringing ]
- Is that quick enough for you?

My mama was a telemarketer.
They have feelings.

Well, so do I.
And right now, I don't feel your
support of my wrestlin' dreams.

Well, support is
a two-way street.

If you're bringin' up
that baby thing right now,
I swear I'm gonna lose my mind.

My daddy was a Ray.
I'm a Ray Ray.

I want a Ray Ray Ray.

Damn it, Ray Ray, you think
I don't want a little mochachino
bambino runnin' around here?

Of course I do.
But a girl can't just give up
on her dream.

I did.
I could've skated in Nagano,
but Carlos knocked me up.

I want a baby!
We're not talkin' about this.

Oh, yes, we are.
I'll tell you what.

We can talk about it
if you beat me in arm wrestlin'.

I hate it when
we decide stuff this way.

[ Earl Narrating ] That's when I
decided to stop bein' a watcher
and start bein' a doer.

Joy wanted a baby in her belly,
but not in her life.

And Liberty wanted a baby in
her life, but not in her belly.

Of course, the catch was
how to convince two sisters...

who hate each other
to make a baby together.

[ Groans ]
[ Sighs ]

All right. Let's wrestle.

[ Earl Narrating ]
So I did my research
on surrogate babying.

From what I learned
from the drawings,
it was definitely possible.

And boobs look gross
without the skin.

Are you guys done with this gum
on the side of the TV?

Pink gum, yes.
Green gum, no.

This surrogate baby thing
could really work.

I just don't know how
to convince both women
to go for it.

Be like tryin' to get Pepsi
to have Coke's baby.

They're just
natural enemies.

You just have to get them
so excited about the idea...

that when they find out
who they have to do it with,
they won't care.

Like how Patty,
the daytime hooker,
uses my picture for her ad.

You're not the girl
in the ad.
You think you're disappointed?

You should've seen the gay guy
who called expecting
a Greg Louganis type.

It's a really good idea,
Catalina.

I'll just get 'em
both so fired up,
they'll have to agree.

[ Beeping ]

[ Sniffing ]

This egg represents you.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I started with
Liberty and Ray Ray,

explaining
the scientific process
of surrogate baby-making.

And then you are
the mayonnaise.

And all you do
is mix the two together,
and you got a baby.

It's that simple.

[ Earl Narrating ]
They seemed excited.

Then I explained things
to Joy and Darnell.

It's actually pretty simple.
You just take the stuff like
that and gently insert it.

Ah. Like such.

And then you wait
a little while.

Okay, ding, ding, ding.
He's ready to come right out.

[ Chuckles ]
And you got yourself
a little baby.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Then they were into it too.

As crazy as it sounds,
me explaining...

a highly complex medical
procedure was the easy part.

The final step was gettin'
everybody together. And that's
when things got ugly.

You?

You? Earl, if this is
who I'm supposed to meet,
we're done.

I'd rather have a pit bull stick
a litter of puppies in me than
carry this woman's demon child.

That pit bull would have to be
pretty drunk to knock you up!

Okay, that's a nice icebreaker.
Now, let's stop right there
while the score is even.

Slut!
Road whore!

Okay, still tied, 2-2.

Look, I know there's history
between you guys, but there's
also a lot at stake.

Liberty, we're talkin' about
the opportunity to have
your dream career.

What, the moon take
a night off so your butt
could eclipse the sun?

For your information,
I'm auditioning for
the Black Ladies of Wrestling.

- What's your little man's name?
- Oh, this right here
is Mr. Bearded Dragon.

Yours?
Mr. Turtle.

Call me if you're ever
interested in settin' up
a playdate.

- Oh, that'd be nice.
- Fellas, stay with me here.

Now, Joy, remember, you're
tryin' to stay out of prison.

Prison? I guess I'll be rich
and famous while you're watchin'
me on TV from behind bars.

Come on! Let's go!

Darnell!

I'm sorry, baby.
Sometimes I just respond
to yelling.

[ Earl Narrating ]
My plan to get Liberty's egg
in Joy's turkey had failed.

But I still had to do
what I could to help Liberty,

so I got myself a seat
next to the talent scout
from BLOW.

This next girl, Liberty,
is great.

I'd pay large sums
of money to watch her
wrestle professionally.

I'd buy a calendar
with her on it,
and/or an action figure.

[ Announcer On P.A. ]
Put your hands on your hearts
for Lady Liberty!

Look out, Lady Liberty!
Here comes Da Man!

[ Crowd Booing ]

You!
On the back of the bus!

[ Crowd Booing ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy may have had
the perfect head for wrestling,

but his heart was
a little too soft, and he just
couldn't take the booing.

I'm not really Da Man.
I'm Randy, and I'm nice.

I like black people.
I love Oprah,
especially when she acts black.

[ Crowd Booing ]
[ Man ]
Get off the stage!

Let me outta here.
I don't like it!
I don't like it!

[ Bell Ringing ]

Okay, it's show time.
Let's make this good,
and remember to--

[ Crowd Gasps ]

Damn, girl,
you hit me for real!

And you messed up my eyelashes.

[ Screams ]

What the hell
is wrong with you?

I'm makin' sure you don't
get rich and famous.

- Joy!
- Joy?

[ Earl Narrating ]
Not wantin' to see
her sworn enemy get famous,

Joy made Liberty's neighbor
an offer she couldn't refuse.

Oh, not my weave,
not my weave, not my weave!

Damn. A de-weaving.
Now, you can't fake that.

I better go get that hair.

This is for slashing
my tires!

[ Screaming ]

[ Groans ]

That's for trashin'
my credit ratin'!

[ Moans, Screams ]

And this is for makin' out
with our math teacher when
you knew he had a crush on me.

Ow!
[ Panting, Gasps ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
Strange as it seems,

this was
the longest these women
had ever talked to each other.

And it was probably healthy
they were airin' out
their grievances.

And that was for payin'
my prom date to stab me.

[ Earl Narrating ]
But as painful as Joy's
prom stabbin' had been,

Liberty had a much
deeper pain to share.

This is for gettin' to grow up
with my daddy.

This is for wearin' that
"Daddy's Little Girl" T-shirt
all the time.

And this is for
every birthday he missed!
Get up!

And this is
for every holiday!

And this is for knowin'
that the only girl that got
to kiss him good night...

was his precious
little blonde-haired Joy!

[ Earl Narrating ]
Joy suddenly realized that
even though they were sisters,

Joy was the only one
who got to have a dad.

You poor thing.

[ Earl Narrating ]
After swallowin' her pride
and a little blood,

Joy got up to give
her sister a hug.

[ Crowd Gasps ]

I was just trying
to hug away your pain.

[ Narrating ] After the bout,
Joy and Liberty spent time
together nursin' their wounds.

They even worked on some
you couldn't see.

Thanks.

I had no idea.
Well, how could you know?

You know, I used
to always imagine Dad
bein' there with you...

and how happy your house
was with the whole family
together on holidays,

and every day, really.

I guess that's why I always
took it out on you.

Liberty, this is Mr. Saticoy
from the Black Ladies
of Wrestling.

Hey, bitches.
I like what
you did out there.

If you can do that
three times a night,
I'll make you a BLOW girl.

And I want to hire you as well.
You'll be a team.

You'll play the fine white girl
who starts datin' Mr. Saticoy.
Mm-mm-mm.

Thank you, Mr. Saticoy,
but I can't accept
your offer.

I might--

I might be carrying
a baby soon.

I mean, if you would
want me to.

I need a surrogate.
And I can't think of anybody
better than my half sister.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I finally felt like I deserved
to cross Liberty off my list.

By stealin' her credit card,
I had stolen her identity.

But today I gave her
a new identity.

She was a Black Lady
of Wrestling.

She was also a lovin'
and carin' wife with
a really supportive husband.

And with the help of an actual
doctor who used more than
mayonnaise and an eggbeater,

she soon became
an expectant mother.

And while Joy had just set out
to try and make herself
more sympathetic to a jury,

she got a new identity too--
a surrogate mom.

Even though Joy and Liberty
had called each other just
about every name in the book,

there was one they hadn't
used until now-- sister.

[ Man ]
Congratulations, guys.

[ Burps ]

Whoa. Light beer goes down
the same as milk.

I'm gonna see how it does
against tomato soup.

[ Woman ]
* It's a family affair *

[ Man ]
* It's a family affair *

[ Woman ]
* It's a family affair **