My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 14 - Kept a Guy Locked in a Truck - full transcript

[ Earl Narrating ]
Lately I've been getting
trapped a lot.
Damn it. Randy!
I knew Randy
couldn't help me...
'cause Saturdays
are when he listens
to America's Top 40 Countdown.
* The names and the trends *
[ Pounding ]
* High school never ends *
* Oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh *
* Oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh *
Hey!
* Oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh **
After that I was
at the Crab Shack...
and got trapped talkin'
to Slow Roger.
...popcorn shrimp,
coconut shrimp,
pepper shrimp,
shrimp soup.
My fifth-favorite
Tom Hanks movie
is Philadelphia.
He had scabs
on his arms,
scabs on his legs,
scabs on his back,
scabs on his neck--
And it wasn't just me
who got trapped.
The El Camino was
squeezed in so tight...
I couldn't even
get to the door.
So I went for the only
other entrance there was.
And when I got trapped
for the fourth time,
I finally realized
it was karma trying
to tell me something.
I just wasn't sure what.
And then I knew.
It wasn't
something on my list,
but it should have been.
A few months back
Joy stole a truck.
When we opened up the back,
we found out she'd accidentally
kidnapped a guy.
And I helped her keep him
in there while we figured out
what to do with him.
Karma was telling me
I needed to make up for it.
Help! Anybody?
Hello!
What's goin' on,
Earl?
Hey, did you see that
Saving Private Ryan
on TV last night?
There was that guy
that died on the beach.
And that other guy
that died on the beach.
And that other guy
that got hit on the helmet.
He didn't die on the beach.
Then he took his helmet off.
Then he died on the beach.
[ Groans ]
My name is Earl.
[ Earl Narrating ]
I thought about what to do
for that guy Joy kidnapped,
and since I must have caused him
a lot of stress,
I decided I should treat him
to a massage with Tammy,
Camden's only legitimate
masseuse.
Make sure you don't knock
until we get around
the corner.
He can't see me.
This gift has to be
unanimous.
He knows it's just
a massage, right?
I'm sick of seeing
their hips go up and hearing,
"You missed a spot."
No, no. He knows.
And sorry for what happened.
Randy misunderstood
what was goin' on.
I never had a legal massage.
What's the point?
It's like drinkin'
non-alcoholic beer.
[ Alarm Beeping ]
Wonder if he's sleepin'.
[ Beeping Continues ]
[ Beeping ]
Turns out we could
send Tammy home...
'cause there was
nobody who could massage
the stiffness out of Josh now.
[ Radio, Indistinct ]
How did this happen?
Man, sometime when
a garbage truck goes by...
and a door slam
at the same time,
the bed goes up.
I probably should have
rented to a heavier guy.
Hey, easy there, homeboy.
You left a mark.
Every time
they pick somebody up
they leave a mark.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Finding the guy on my list dead
kind of bummed me out.
We weren't exactly close,
but when someone
you kidnap passes away,
any normal person
is gonna be upset.
Whoo-hoo!
My witness is dead!
Darnell, get me
a pitcher of champagne.
-We don't have champagne.
-Then get me a chablis and 7-Up.
I want something sparkly.
Wait. Why are you celebratin'?
The guy was a human being.
A human being
that could have
put me away for life.
My trial just got a lot easier.
My deaf lawyer said
it was a lucky break.
Well, actually, she said,
"Wucky bake."
[ Laughs ]
You gotta meet her.
She's funnier than that
little insurance lizard
that talks.
My God, I would marry
that thing.
Hey, Darnell,
speakin' of marriage--
Do you have any
sort of drinks
for married people...
like a "Bloody Married"
or a "Married-tini"?
I'm only interested on account
of we're married now.
Me and her.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Ever since Randy
married Catalina...
so she could come back
to America,
[ Horns Honking ]
he was lettin' people know
about it whenever he could.
I got the license plate number
for the car that hit you.
I was standing over there
with my new wife.
We got married recently.
See the ring?
Do you like man jewelry?
I didn't think I would,
but I really do.
Anyway, as married people,
we saw that car
run you over and--
I forgot the license
plate number.
So have you guys started looking
for a fake apartment yet?
We don't need an apartment.
Randy just married me
so I could get into the country.
Yeah, but you still
gotta make the marriage
look legit.
Those I.N.S. people are tough.
They took away
our Filipino busboy last week.
Poor little guy
tried to hold 'em off...
with a dirty mop
and a feisty crab.
Well, I would like
a new place.
Where I am now
is a little cramped.
[ Machinery Whirring ]
What do you think?
Do we need to get
an apartment together?
What do you think, Earl?
Do we need to get
an apartment with Catalina?
I think she means
just the two of you,
since you're married now.
- Just you and Catalina.
- Just me and Catalina?
Yes, I'd like
to do it, please.
* Ding dong
the witness is dead *
* The witness is dead
The witness is dead **
[ Earl Narrating ]
I wasn't sure how to cross
a dead guy off my list,
so I went to Hamerick's
Funeral Home to find out
when his funeral was gonna be.
Maybe someone there
could tell me what
I could do for Josh.
[ Crowd Cheering ]
Uh, excuse me,
Mr. Hamerick?
[ Announcer, Indistinct ]
Mr. Hamerick?
He's a heavy sleeper.
Let me try
to wake him up.
[ Blaring ]
[ Chuckling ]
I'm just pulling your leg.
He's dead. I'm Mr. Hamerick.
Wh-What's a dead guy doin'
watchin' a football game?
That's what we do
here at Hamerick's.
We don't do any of those
stiff-in-the-box viewings
like those Nathanville hacks.
No. Here we specialize
in what I call
"The Living Tableaux."
We show 'em doing
what they loved in life.
Last week
I had a gangbanger
tagging a Dumpster.
It looked so real,
the rival gang came in
and shot him again.
Wow. That is so cool.
Earl, when I die can you
dress me up like an astronaut?
But put me on a chair couch
like that guy.
I don't wanna go up in space.
People die up there.
How can I help you?
One of you sick?
We're here to find out
when Josh Martin's
funeral is.
Josh Martin.
Oh, the retractable-bed kid?
Nobody claimed his body.
He's not gonna have
a funeral.
- That's terrible.
- Excuse me. Are those
potato chips real,
or are they dead too?
[ Earl Narrating ]
I wanted to get ideas
on what I could do for Josh,
so I went to talk
to his neighbors.
Dead? I loved that guy.
He was my hero.
I've never seen anybody
accomplish so much
with just hooks for hands.
Think we're talking
about a different guy,
but thanks anyway.
I knocked on every door
in the building,
and even went by his work,
but no one seemed to know
anything about him.
Here's an apartment
that's pretty cheap.
Randy, we're not renting
any apartment where
they ask girls...
to send in pictures to prove
they're not fatties.
I can't believe it.
I looked everywhere.
The guy had no friends.
Nobody even knew him.
I knew a guy like that once.
Oh, wait.
I guess I didn't--
Because if I knew him,
then he wouldn't be a guy
that nobody knew.
I guess I didn't
know a guy like that.
Sorry. I thought I did.
Well, I guess
that's it.
I gave it a shot,
but I can't find
any way to help the dude.
Josh, if you're watchin',
you saw I tried.
I'm gonna cross you off now.
Uh, if there's
a problem with that--
I don't know.
Make my pen explode.
Oh, wait.
Okay, make it explode.
Okay, I guess we're cool then.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Usually I get
a great night's sleep...
after crossing something
off my list,
but crossin' Josh off
just didn't seem
to do the trick.
[ Gasps ]
Holy Moses.
I thought you were dead.
Hey, Earl.
Uh, I am dead.
Point to a number.
Um, Okay. Six.
One, two, three--
Are you mad
I crossed you off?
Kind of. Doesn't seem fair.
I mean, you didn't do
anything for me.
I-I don't know
what to do for you.
Just tell me what to do
and I'll do it.
Anything you want,
and I'll do it.
Do you know what they do
with unclaimed bodies
in Camden County?
- No.
- They sell 'em
to the university...
for medical students
to practice on.
I just know some joker's
gonna stick a pencil
in my butt.
You want me write a letter
to the university?
Is that why you're here?
Pick a color
and look underneath.
Don't let me be forgotten.
I have to throw Josh
a funeral.
When I find an apartment
with Catalina,
I don't know
who's gonna clip
your nails for you.
[ Spits ]
So, any thoughts
of what you want
for the retractable-bed kid?
With the proper makeup
I can turn him into
a young Mel Gibson.
I'm only mentioning this
'cause we've got a dead
black guy coming in later.
I thought I could whip up
a whole Lethal Weapon
kind of thing.
Walter,
I respect your work,
and I'm sure
a lot of clients
like this kind of thing.
He looks happy.
Probably 'cause, uh,
you put staples
in his face.
But not knowin' Josh,
I'd feel safer doing
something not so--
- Creative?
- Well, I was gonna say
creepy and insane,
but what I mean is,
I want something dignified
and respectful.
A box. You want a box.
You want the number three
package with the blue suit
and the hill-view plot...
and Pachelbel's Canon in "D"
on organ,
with the Stargazer lilies
and the card with
the 23rd psalm on it.
Well, n-not the cannon.
That sounds a little dangerous.
Should I just go
to Nathanville?
No, I'll do it.
I need the money.
I get sued a lot.
[ Earl Narrating ]
After pulling the trigger
on the number three package,
there were still
a few decisions
I had to make.
Look for something
of Josh's that'd be
good to bury him in--
Something dignified.
Something that says,
"I should be remembered."
I don't wanna speak
ill of the dead,
but fashion-wise,
that boy died years ago.
Why do you care so much
about this guy anyway?
'Cause he came to visit me
last night in my dream.
That's just your
conscience, stupid.
Ignore it.
That's how I got through
cheatin' on you
all those years.
Please. You know how many
times I saw you standing
on the hood of my car...
while I was
humpin' Darnell, huh?
Well, you know, it's nice
to know that you care,
but I can't ignore Josh.
You know, I think you'd be
a little more helpful after
everything you did to him.
- Fine. I'll sell you
Darnell's wedding suit.
- The purple tux?
I thought you said
that had grass stains
on the back of it.
No, that was
my wedding dress.
[ Early Narrating ]
I wanted a big turnout
at the funeral,
so I put up a flier
at the Crab Shack...
advertising free food
and free booze
for all mourners.
And I was confident
I'd put together
a dignified funeral...
that would help him
be remembered.
Hey, Crabman.
Hey, Earl.
Thanks for comin'.
Josh would be happy
to know you're here.
Who?
[ Earl Narrating ]
Although there were
a few signs...
things might not go
exactly as I planned.
Hey, Earl, if people
don't eat all the food,
can I take it?
I could feed the kids
for weeks on this.
Did you cut the face
out of the cake?
Relax. I did you a favor.
This picture was
makin' everybody think
about the dead guy.
We're supposed to think
about the dead guy.
This is his funeral.
Earl, uh, quick question.
Why is the dead guy
wearing my suit?
Oh, I sold it to Earl
for 50 bucks.
You sold my wedding suit?
It ain't like
you need it anymore.
I mean, are you plannin'
on getting married again?
I love that suit,
and I can't replace it.
The E.P.A. says
the dye is poisonous,
and they can't make it anymore.
Look, Darnell, you'll get
the suit back just as soon
as the ceremony's over, okay?
Till then he's gonna have
his dead skin touching
my suit, huh?
And his dead junk.
I hear your junk
gets really tiny
when you die.
Like when you're in a pool.
You're just sayin' that
to make me feel good.
His junk didn't shrink.
[ Laughing, Chattering ]
Hold on a second.
Damn it, people,
this is a coffin, not a bar.
Move your stuff.
Who put a cigarette
in his mouth?
Hey, Earl. Sorry we're late.
We were looking for apartments,
then we picked up
my coworkers
at Club Chubby.
Ooh! Cake.
I got a free lap dance
on the way over.
But that's just 'cause
there were more people
than seats in the car.
That's great, Randy.
I hope we didn't miss
your speech.
Oh, crap-- The eulogy.
I gotta go practice.
Hey, Earl, great party.
It's not a party.
Hey, Earl, I think I remember
reading that dead people
can still "flatulate."
Do you think he's
"flatulating" in my suit?
'Cause that ain't cool.
Look, I'll get it
dry-cleaned.
You can't just take it
to any cleaners.
If they see it's got
that purple poison dye,
by law they have to destroy it.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Unfortunately, when I went
into the bathroom...
to read over the notes
I'd taken for my eulogy,
I realized it was just
a list of things I saw
in Josh's apartment.
"Cactus, mayonnaise,
eggs, gas bill."
[ Clears Throat ]
Josh: Cactus,
mayonnaise,
eggs,
gas bill.
Come on, Earl. All right.
Now we lay him
down to sleep,
we pray the Lord
his soul to keep.
And when the...
bough breaks--
You can do this, Earl.
The Lord giveth,
and the bed taketh away.
Come on, Earl.
"J" to the Sizzle,
"O" to the "Hizzle."
Gimme a "J."
[ Groans ]
Come on, Earl. Cry.
Uh, Lynyrd Skynyrd plane crash.
Uh, the Def Leppard drummer.
Gas bill.
I suck.
What the hell is that?
You had me at Josh.
While I spent time
finding the right words
to send Josh off to heaven,
everyone at the funeral
had started raisin' hell.
[ Man ]
* All you had to do
was give Humpty a chance *
* And now I'm gonna
do my dance *
* Humpty dance is a chance
so do the hump *
* Come on
Yeah, sexy baby *
- Stop it! Stop it!
Stop it!
- * Do the Humpty hump **
** [ Ends ]
We're not just here to go wild
and have a good time.
We're here to talk about Josh.
- Who?
- The dead guy
we're here to respect.
Now, I've written up
a eulogy.
- Turn the music back on.
- No.
You're all gonna shut up,
sit down and listen
to my beautiful damn eulogy.
[ Groans ]
Now--
Josh was a good man.
[ Clattering ]
- My bad.
- All right, that's it.
Everybody out. Everybody.
Sorry, man.
I let you down.
A coffin's not a trash can.
Earl! You still in here?
You mind if I take
some of the leftovers?
You kidnapped me and this--
this is all I get?
[ Gasps ]
[ Screaming ]
Six! Green, green!
I swear to God, Earl,
that dream about made me
pee up my bed.
I never do that sober.
I know.
It's scary, isn't it?
Freaky.
Left me feelin' all--
I don't know how
to explain it.
It's not mad,
because I don't want
to hurt anybody,
and it's not sad
because I don't want
to hurt anybody.
Earl, I think I might
be feeling guilty
for what I did to him.
Really?
Well, this may sound weird,
but I'm kind of glad
to hear that.
Proud of you, Joy.
Take it easy, cupcake.
We're not girlfriends here.
Just find a way
to get him remembered
so he'll get out of my sleep.
I've already tried,
but the guy didn't
know anybody.
I mean, you can't be remembered
if no one knew you
in the first place.
All we can do is just
pack up his stuff like
the landlord wants, and get out.
I think it's depressing.
I mean, this cactus is
the only living thing that'll
even notice that Josh is gone.
And that'll take six months
at least, because these things
don't take that much water.
Damn it, how the hell
do you go through life
and not connect with anybody?
Oh, I think I broke something.
The fish went away.
[ Pops ]
What the hell is that?
"BigDog842, are you there?"
The computer's talking to me.
It's callin' me BigDog.
It's not the computer talking.
It's somebody in the wide,
wide world of web.
Can we talk back?
Hello?
That's not a microphone, dummy.
That's the arrow-mover
thingy.
God, I swear I can't believe
you've never heard
of instant text chat.
- [ Pops ]
- There's another one.
- [ Pops ]
- Someone else
is on there too.
[ Pops ]
They're all lookin'
for Josh.
[ Popping ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
We discovered that Josh
had a whole world of friends.
They were just inside that box,
hiding behind the fish.
Turns out he played poker
with guys from all over
the world.
[ Laughing ]
Full house!
And once again, Chen,
I take your yen.
[ Beeping ]
** [ Recorder, Harpsichord ]
He also played medieval music
with a girl...
named "Harpycord"
from Colby, Kansas.
He enjoyed arguing about
television shows...
in online forums
under the name "whojackie."
No, I don't think shows
should do more meta-jokes...
that cater to the online
bloggers,
Friday nights he had dinner...
with a friend he met online
from India.
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
[ Glasses Clink ]
And every weekend
he played war games
with a guy named Sharpshooter.
Medic! Soldier down,
and I'm out of healing packs.
Funny thing, help wasn't
as far away as Josh
thought it was.
Hold on, BigDog!
Help's on the way.
We'll just mow down
this wall of Nazis.
We spent the whole day
telling people about Josh dying,
and then something
unexpected happened--
All the people who lived
within driving distance...
wanted to get together
and remember him.
So a few days later
Walter helped me and Joy
throw another funeral for Josh.
And this time
I didn't have to try
to give him a eulogy.
People who knew him
did it instead.
Man, Josh could make me L.O.L.
[ Chuckling ]
I'd always be R.O.T.F.L.M.A.O.
And he was there
when you needed him.
He'd never give you a B.R.B.
or an A.F.K.
He always sent
the best forwards,
and when you sent him
a chain letter--
[ Chuckles ]
you knew he'd pass it on.
[ Phone Rings ]
Excuse me. Hello.
This is Technical Support.
How can I help you today?
My name is Mary Smith.
He was the best damn
war gamer I ever played with.
He was always a medic,
'cause he liked
to heal people.
If only he could have
healed himself.
[ Earl Narrating ]
In the end, getting together
to memorialize Josh...
made some pretty
amazing things happen.
Guys who used to play
online poker with him...
started getting together
once a month to actually
play in person.
For BigDog.
BigDog, yeah.
BigDog.
And since nobody wanted
to rent an apartment
where a guy had died,
Randy and Catalina
got Josh's old place
for a price they could afford.
Oh!
The landlord
even fixed the bed.
But most important,
Josh was remembered by someone
who never expected to care.
If you haven't thought
of a name for it,
I think I have one.
"Mr. Prickly."
Naming a cactus--
That's the stupidest damn thing
I've ever heard of
in all my life.
Says Mrs. Prickly.