My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 1 - Very Bad Things - full transcript

who does nothing but bad things
and then wonders why his life sucks ?

Well, that was me.

Every time something
good happened to me,

something bad was always
waiting around the corner.

Karma.

That's when I realized
I had to change.

So, I made a list of everything
bad I've ever done, and,

one by one, I'm gonna
make up for all my mistakes.

I'm just trying to be
a better person.

My name is Earl.

Joy and Darnell
had recently learned a few tips



on how to fight
by watching Dr. Phil on TV.

You are making me feel very angry
because my needs aren't being met.

And you are making me feel angry
because your needs don't make sense.

Unfortunately,

one episode of Dr. Phil couldn't
undo years of watching Springer.

Don't be a dummy, damn it ;
just do what I tell you to.

Throw me a surprise party
for my birthday next month.

But you won't be surprised.

I can act surprised. Look.

Not only was the two of them
arguing fun to watch,

but it also gave me a chance
to do #183 on my list :

"Never took Joy's side."

When we were married,

I wasn't very good at backing up
my wife in arguments with strangers.



12 ball, side pocket.

Okay, do it again, and I'm gonna pop
those boobie implants of yours,

make you fly around
this bar like a loose balloon.

It was an accident, Joy.

And I think they're real.

Oh, so you're on her side ?

And I definitely didn't take her side
when it came to arguments with family.

Oh, I know you did not just
monkey-grab a chip out of that bowl.

That actually takes
quite a bit of skill, Joy.

Try to dip one in the salsa.

Oh, so you're on his side ?

I didn't even take
her side in arguments

with things that you
couldn't argue about.

Dang it !

I got crab juice in my eye.

That's 'cause you cracked it
the wrong way.

You should always crack
away from you.

Oh, so you're
on the crab's side now ?

I was, and it was time
to make up for it.

I've been waiting my whole life for
somebody to throw me a surprise party,

and I'm sick of waiting.

This year, I want one.

She's got a good point, Darnell.

You hear that ?

And that's coming
from the husband I left.

You can only imagin
what kind of thin ice you're on.

Fine.

I'll throw you a surprise party
for your birthday.

I got to take that.

It's about damn time
you called me back.

I am in a bind here.

The bind she was talking
about was complicated.

It started 'cause Joy was obsessed
with some TV show called

Britney & Kevin : Chaotic.

I swear, those two
are like American royalty.

Oh, snap !

Look at that big-ass TV disappear
into that entertainment center.

I want to disappear on TV.

Yeah, with a bottle of Cristal
sitting on top.

That's how the Federlines roll.

We're going to get us one of those
disappearing TV furniture things.

I mean it.

I want it.

So about a week ago,

Joy finally saved up enough money
to get that disappearing TV.

But, unfortunately,
she ran into a big problem.

I got an idea.

Come on, you got it.
Push.

Come on,
it's almost in there.

Push.

I got an idea.

Damn it.
How did Britney and Kevin do it ?

When Joy went to return it,
she ran into yet another problem.

You can't return this.

- What ?
- The receipt has gum in it.

I know. It's Fruit Stripe.
Just pull it off ;

I'm sure you can still see the
disappearing TV furniture thing on there.

The gum took off
half the item number.

S orry.

The system won't take it back
without an item number.

What ? !

Uh-uh.
Oh, hell no.

After 45 minutes of arguing
and throwing a shoe,

Joy realized she was just gonna have
to make the best of her situation.

So much glare out here,

I can't tell if that's the white
lady judge or the black lady judge.

Hey !
Get out of my damn living room !

Oh, God, please no.

I need a third umbrella.

Hey, maybe we should
unplug the cord before...

Son of a bitch.

I'm leaving it here.
It's yours.

I have returned it.

And somehow or another,
I'm gonna get my $3,000 back.

- No, you won't.
- Yes, I will.

No... you won't.

Yes, I will !

*Whoo ! Whoo !*

*Billy Joe shot a man
while robbing his castle*

*Bobby Sue took the money
and run Cha-ching.*

*Whoo-whoo-whoo !*

*Go on,
take the money and run*

*Go on,
take the money and run*

I got my $3,000 !

*Go on,
take the money and run...*

Joy stashed the truck
in the woods until today,

when she finally got a call
from the one guy

in Camden County
who would buy anything.

That's too risky.

Too risky ?

You sold a damn Iranian baby.

Yeah, but it, idn't have "Iranian Baby"
painted on the side of it in big letters.

Oh, like they're not going to know he's
Iranian once he's old enough to talk.

Look, this is a great deal.

All I want is the $3,000
that they owe me.

Yeah, whatever.

I don't buy stolen
trucks from amateurs.

Why not ?

The same reason I don't let
amateurs cut my hair :

they make mistakes.

It was not mistake.

Yeah, well, you better pray
I find that earlobe.

He won't find.

Jasper is too much sissy
to be a real criminal.

This is why we live
in cement closet.

Bring me to this truck.

I will buy with my own money
I steal from Jasper.

I like you.

If I could ever get used to staring
at that thing on your face,

we could hang out.

This is no truck.

This is giant camper.

Something is fishes.

You are police, I know it.

Oh, calm down.

I just got to pick up
the truck keys.

You're so jumpy all of a sudden.

I just don't like surprises.

Surprise !

What the hell are you doing ?!

Throwing you a
surprise birthday party.

My birthday is not
until next month.

That's the surprise part.

Idiot.

It was Earl's idea.

Y'all are all idiots.

I think you should go talk to her.

Don't, Dummy !

Yeah, that's not going to happen.

That lady dropped her purse
and some stuff rolled out.

Cool, it's an earlobe.

So you planned all this
because of some list thing ?

#183 : "Never took Joy's side."

Now, come back in.

We've got a whole pi?ata full
of cigarettes for you to swing at.

I don't feel like it.

Why ? You're the one
that wanted a party.

Not when it was going
to cost me $3,000.

We represent the Lollipop Guild.
The Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop...

Randy,

those aren't helium balloons.

Oh, too bad.

Wait, you stole a truck ?

Because they wouldn't
give me my money back.

It was a crime of principle.

Like when Rosa Parks
stole that bus.

They wouldn't even
give you a store credit ?

No.

That doesn't seem fair.

Thank you.

Which is why you have
to help me sell the truck.

Sell the truck ?

Joy, that's against the law.

Earl, this is not about the law ;
it's about right and wrong.

And isn't that
what your list is about ?

Righting wrongs,

do unto others, all that
Robin Hood, Batman, Jesus stuff ?

Well, you've got a good point.

The store did do you wrong.

I don't know if Jesus or Batman
would sell the truck, but

Robin Hood might.

Okay, I'll do it.

But you're not getting
a penny more than $3,000.

Of course not.

That would be wrong.

The first thing you have to do
with a stolen truck

is make sure it can't get
traced back to its owner.

Randy was especially
excited about this.

Something about the combination
of fumes and bright colors

made Randy love to spray paint.

In fact,

he made a name for himself

as one of Camden County's
most gifted graffiti artists.

It's perfect, Earl.

Yeah, it really is.

I just don't know if it's
a good idea to paint your name

in six-foot letters
on the side of a stolen truck.

I'm going to go into town and get some
more white paint to cover up my name.

Good idea.

If the cops come while I'm gone,
tip it on its side.

That's pretty.

I'd probably read more often
if people wrote like that all the time.

What's in there, anyway ?

I don't know.

You haven't even looked yet ?

No.

I just want my three grand.

I don't really care what's back there.

But there could be $3,000
worth of stuff in here.

TVs, stereos, nunchucks.

It would be a lot easier to sell
that stuff than this stolen truck.

Oh.

Wait... Wait.

There's a man in there, Joy.

There's a man in the truck.

I know...

a hairy one.

Why is there a man
in the truck, Joy ?

I don't know.

Maybe he was in there
when you stole it.

Do I look stupid enough to steal
a truck with a man in the back of it ?

Turns out, Joy was that stupid.

Some poor guy was unloading boxes

when Joy decided
to get her revenge on the store.

After she ran off,

he tried to get out,
but the door was locked.

Okay !

You got me.

Let's get back to work now.

Eric ?

Help... !

Luckily, this truck was from a store
that sold a little bit of everything,

so he had plenty to eat

and plenty to keep him entertained.

Yes.

Nice.

- Help ! Somebody !
- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Why did I help you ?

Why ? Why ? Why ?

All right, all right, look.

We'll, we'll leave him
in the back of the truck,

We'll make an anonymous call
so they know where to find him.

I am not leaving this truck.

I still need to sell it.

With a man locked in the back ?

Don't you think
that's gonna be a problem ?

Yeah, for the person who buys it.

We're not selling a truck
with a man in the back.

Look, if we let him out,
he's gonna see what we look like.

Maybe not.

We finally figured out a way
to release the guy Joy stole.

We just had to stay out of sight.

All right, love,

I want you to listen to me
carefully and

do everything I say
and everything'll be okay.

Why are you talking funny ?

'Cause I don't want him
to identify my voice.

Yeah, but it sounds weird.

It's British.
That's how they sound.

British people don't steal trucks.

They drink tea
and live in castles.

You still out there ?!

Uh, I'm here, uh...

Uh, here's
what I want you to do.

I want you to take off your shirt
and use it as a blindfold.

You sound like
a gay Kermit the Frog.

Okay !
Blindfold's on !

Right, then.

Now, when the back door opens,
I want you to start running,

and don't look back
or I'll shoot you.

And, by the way,

what you call "soccer",
we call "football".

See, this worked out okay.

Oh, crap, crap, crap.

Why me ?

Why do bad things always
happen to good people ?

Seems like most of the bad things
are happening to this guy.

Look, let's just get out of here
before he wakes up.

We can't go, Joy.

What if a wild animal comes along
and mauls him while he's out ?

Just pee a circle around him ;
that'll keep the animals away.

I'm not gonna pee a circle around him.

What if he wakes up and sees me ?

So I got to do everything ?

Look, we're not leaving him.

Help me get him in
the back of the truck.

We got to get him to a hospital.

We'll get caught.

No, we won't.

We'll just drop him off
and drive away,

like people do with babies
and grandparents.

So me and Joy put the passed out guy
in the back of the truck

and headed to the hospital.

You like my earrings ?

Yeah, I do like those earrings.

I was about to say
something earlier,

but then I got distracted
by the hostage and all.

Where'd you get 'em ?

Flea market.

You know the guy
who sells tube socks ?

The guy with the regular tube socks,
or the guy with the irregular tube socks ?

Irregular.

Guy with regular
went out of business.

Good.
He was a jerk.

Thought his socks
made the world go around.

Yeah.

Anyway, I got the earrings
from Irregular Tubesock's wife.

They're nice.

Thanks.

One's bigger than the other.

Yeah.
I wasn't going to say anything.

Look, Earl, I know
this hasn't been a great day,

but I really appreciate
you helping me out.

Who knows, maybe one day we'll
look back on this as an adventure.

Yeah, maybe so.

Out of gas ?

Yep.

The plan was for me
to walk to a gas station

while Joy stayed behind
to guard the truck.

Hey, bring me something !

What ?

I don't know, something fun.

Surprise me.
But with chocolate and peanuts.

Snickers ?

Damn it, Earl,
I said surprise me.

So, I headed off.

*Well, I've got to run
to keep from hiding'*

*And I'm bound
to keep on ridin'...*

It was four miles of walking,

but I got the gas
and made it back to the truck.

*...silver dollar. But I'm not
gonna let me catch me, no.*

*Not gonna let 'em catch
the midnight rider...*

Hey, Earl.

How'd you know
where to find us ?

Well, I went back to the woods
and the truck was gone,

but I found the note you left.

I didn't leave a note.

I know, Earl ;
I was being sarcastic.

You should have left a note.

I mean, you don't have to add it
to your list or anything,

but it would have been nice.

I'm sorry, Randy.

Where's Joy ?

I don't know,
I figured she was with you.

Come here ! Come here !

Let me go !

There she is.

- What the hell happened ?
- Well...

Apparently, Joy was too hungry
to wait for me to get back,

and she remembered
seeing snacks in the truck.

Hello ?

You still knocked out ?

Jolly good, then.

Son of a bitch
Ferris Bueller'd me.

Hey, Earl, how come we got
a guy in his underpants ?

'Cause he was in the back of the truck
and was accidentally kidnapped.

You know how Mom used to say,

"Always wear clean underwears 'cause
you never know what's going to happen" ?

I bet she was talking
about stuff like this.

Probably.

Randy.
Can you put him in the truck ?

What do you hate more,
flies or mosquitoes ?

Why ?

Just making conversation.
Damn. Never mind.

Mosquitoes.

Me, too.

You know, they say mosquitoes
in Africa kill people.

Can you imagine the size
those things got to be ?

Pretty big.

Randy, where's the guy ?

I put him in the truck
like you said.

I meant the back of the truck.

Drive faster.

He's getting away.

This is great, Earl.

You never drive this fast
when I ask you to.

Hey, ask him if we can have
bubble gum for dinner.

Would you just hurry up ?
We got to catch him.

Relax.
He'll run out of gas sooner or la...

Wait a minute. What are we gonna do
when we catch him ?

He saw her face
I think she has to kill him.

She's not gonna kill him, Randy.

You're not gonna
kill him, are you ?

No, I'm not gonna kill him.

You can cut out his tongue.

He couldn't tell anyone
what you look like with no tongue.

Oh, wait. He could still draw you
unless you cut off his fingers, too.

Randy !

Hey, at least he's thinking.
It's not his fault he's bad at it.

I got it.

We can stab him in the eyes.

We're not stabbing him
in the eyes.

Look, I just got to make sure
he doesn't squeal on me,

so we'll just snatch him up and
put him in a little cage in the trailer.

What ?

Yeah, just till he becomes our friend
and promises not to tell.

Joy, we're not
putting him in a cage.

Well, what else should we do,
Negative Nancy ?

I don't hear you
giving us any ideas.

That's when I got the only
decent idea I had all day.

This whole thing
had gotten so out of hand

that there was only
one thing left to do.

What are you doing ?

Are-Are we out of gas ?

It's over, Joy.

What do you mean it's over ?

It's not over.
What are you talking about ?

What are you doing ?

You said you were on my side.

Joy didn't realize it,
but I was on her side.

She asked me for help
selling a stolen truck, but

that turned into
a kidnapping and assault,

and my past experience as a criminal
told me it was time to call it off.

Besides, my guess was that
that guy was so scared,

he probably didn't even get
a good look at Joy.

Unfortunately,
my guess was wrong.

She was charged
with grand theft auto,

kidnapping and assault,

which would have been
my second guess.

Randy, do you think
it's my fault Joy went to jail ?

Randy ?

Trying to sleep, Earl.
Can't this wait till morning ?

You woke me up last night

to ask if I tought monkeys
ever worried about their looks.

Oh yeah, sorry.

Do you think they do ?

I already told you.

If they're worried about their looks,
they'd wear pants.

Yeah.

- Good night, Randy.
- Good night, Earl.

Transcript: Raceman
Synchro : Dingo