My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 24 - Number One - full transcript

My name is Earl.

We did it.
Two beers, Crab Man.

You got it, Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ] Every time
I cross something off my list,
I get a good feeling inside.

Here's to crossing off
number 57-- gave Randy
a swirly when he was five.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And this time, Randy got
that good feeling too.

[ Gurgling ]

Thanks for cleaning the toilet
before I let Randy
stick my head in it.

No problem. The last guy who got
his head stuck in the toilet...

caught some disease
only bats get.

Is that that guy
who always hangs upside down
in the bathroom?



No, that's Hector.
Question, Earl.

How do you decide
what you're gonna do next
on your list?

If it's too personal,
I'll mind my own beeswax.

Well, uh, sometimes karma
gives me a sign,

other times I just
pick one at random.

And sometimes he lets me pick,
but I get a little freaked out
when I play God.

That's why I also don't vote
on American Idol.

- Can I pick one?
- Sure, go ahead.

- I just did-- one.
- You don't dillydally,
Crab Man. I respect that.

One it is.

[ Earl Narrating ] As you
might imagine, number 1 on
my list was kind of special--

stole $10 from a guy
at the Camden Market.

It was the last bad thing I did
before I discovered karma.

It was about nine months ago.
Low on funds, I was about to
steal 16 ounces of breakfast,



when all of a sudden,
fate smiled on me.

Five minutes later, I scratched
off the lottery ticket that
would change my life forever.

- [ Grunts ]
- [ Screaming ]

- [ Tires Squealing ]
- It would also lacerate
my spleen and pop my lung.

Stealing that guy's $10
was the last straw.

Karma had
had enough.

Thanks, Crab Man.
It's about time
I did number 1.

Good luck with that. And I hope
I scrubbed that bat disease
out of that toilet.

But if you start seeing
with your ears and whatnot,
get to a doctor.

[ Earl Narrating ]
In my criminal days,

Iqball's surveillance cameras
were a pain in my ass.

But since I never saw the guy's
face I stole the 10 bucks from,
I was lucky he kept the tapes.

Thanks for doing this,
Iqball. I think it happened
around 11:00.

11:00.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I was also lucky I knew someone
who spoke Bengali.

[ Speaking Bengali ]

[ Bengali ]

That's impressive, Patty.

I spent the early part
of my 20s doing exotic
sex shows in Calcutta.

The pay was good, but when
the opium buzz wears off,

and you're standing there naked
with a tambourine in one hand
and a tiger's junk in the other,

it's time for a young girl
to come home.

- Hey, there you are, Patty.
- [ Bengali ]

He wants you to
fast-forward this part.

There's nothin' to be
ashamed of, Iqqy.

We've all got
our kinky little secrets.

[ Bengali ]

[ Whispering ]
How long does this go on?

[ Whispering ] You'll know it's
over when he brushes my hair
and feeds me a sugar cube.

Hey, there I am.

- That's him. That's the guy.
- [ Patty ]
I know him.

That's Paul.
He's the delivery guy
at Charlie's Pizza.

- We're in the same book club.
- [ Iqball Laughs ]

[ Iqball Chuckles,
Speaks Bengali ]

[ Bengali ]

Iqball says that guy
didn't have any money
to buy anything.

[ Laughing Continues ]

[ Earl ]
Wait a second.

He was gonna buy a lotto ticket
with that money?
Yeah.

I bought his lotto ticket.
The winning lotto ticket
was supposed to be his.

[ Earl Narrating ]
That's when I realized
I didn't just owe this guy $10--

I owed him every penny I have.

As soon as I realized
the lottery money was supposed
to belong to someone else,

I went to the bank
and got out what I had left
after Uncle Sam took his share.

That's a lot of money
to give away.

Am I being crazy?

Yes. I think you got one of them
brain worms I saw on TV.

Look, it's not like I don't
wanna keep the money.

I-I can't. I'm scared.

The first time I got this money,
karma hit me with a car.

You ever been hit by a car?
It hurts. It hurts a lot.

I can't keep this money
knowing it's not mine or karma
might try and kill me again.

Maybe. Or maybe that's
just what the brain worm
wants you to think.

[ Sighs ]
Damn it, Crab Man.

Why the hell he have
to pick number 1?

But, Earl, we'll be broke.

Look, Randy, I know it sucks,
but we've been broke before.

[ Groans ] I made the list,
and karma brought us back
the lotto ticket.

I guess we just have to hope
karma takes care of us again.

I hate Darnell.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Patty gave us Paul's address,

and even though he didn't
like what I was doin',
Randy agreed to go with me.

[ Knocking ]

Hi. We're looking for Paul.

If you're here to buy
my medical marijuana lollipops
from my son, you're out of luck.

I ate 'em all.
[ Laughing ]

No, no. We're not here
for lollipops.
We brought him somethin'.

I won't let you do it, Earl!
Randy, get back here!

Damn it! Randy!
[ Grunts ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Once I got
the money back from Randy,
I explained to Paul...

all about my list,
the lotto ticket and how
that money was really his.

So-So this money's
all mine?

Yeah. I'm five grand short,
but I'll get it to you
as soon as I can.

Dude, don't worry about it.
This is plenty.

No, no. I'll get you the rest.
I have to. Like I said,
you're on my list.

He said it was plenty, Earl.
Didn't you hear him?

I think you got that
bat disease. How many fingers
am I holding up?

[ Earl Narrating ]
Not having much money
was nothing new to me and Randy.

But having none at all
made things hard, especially
when it came to lunch.

Yeah.

There's some left in here.

I'm starving, Earl.
Maybe we should go steal
some food.

You know I get angry
when I'm hungry,
like the Hulk.

Only I don't get
all green and muscly.

I just get dizzy and snap
at people that don't deserve it.

Randy, we're not
stealing anything.

We're stickin' to the list
so somethin' good
will happen to us again.

I just need to find somethin'
that won't cost any money
to cross off my list.

List, list, list!
I swear to God, you say
the word "list" one more time,

I'm gonna pull your tongue
right out of your mouth
and stick it up your--

I'm sorry. That was
the hungry, dizzy Hulk.
He comes on quick.

No, no.
That-That's okay, Randy.

You can have the chip dust.
I'm full.

Here we go right here.
Number 119--

ruined Joy's chance
to get into art school.

[ Earl Narrating ]
A few years ago,

Joy found a contest
in the back of a magazine
to get into art school.

[ Dog Barking ]
Check out that turtle.

Look at that. Looks just like
the one in the magazine.
I traced it perfect. Mmm.

I'm gonna go to art school. And
when I do, y'all gonna have to
take care of the babies. Mm-hmm.

And you're gonna see
what it's like
to get up at midnight...

'cause they're cryin'
for more Mountain Dew.

I need a stamp.

I don't want to take care
of the kids, Earl.

The black one bites me,
and the white one
calls me "stupid giant."

Don't worry, Randy.
She's not getting into
art school.

[ Earl Narrating ]
A few months later, Joy finally
heard back from the art school.

They said, "Art isn't for
turds." Who the hell do they
think they're calling a turd?

[ Earl Narrating ]
I came over to talk to Joy about
getting her into art school,

but all she wanted to talk about
was how I gave my money away.

Well, the dummy has
out-dummied himself, huh?

Well, at least now that you're
poor I can stop being so nice
to you. That just wears me out.

Look, will you just
trace this turtle again
so I can mail it in?

I told you, I don't wanna
trace no damn turtle.

Joy, I just bought the stamp.
I can't return it.
I let Randy lick it for lunch.

[ Sighs ]
I don't care about
art school anymore, Earl.

I make my art on the end
of people's fingers now.

Patty, you really need
to stop biting these nails.

Don't tell me, tell the mayor.
He's a nibbler.

Mmm.
There's gotta be something I can
do to make up for the drawing.

I gotta start crossing things
off my list if I want my life
to be better again.

Fine. You wanna make up
for ruining my art career?

You can help me
by expanding my new career.

I need a guinea pig
to practice on so I can
get my new license.

No problem.
What do you what me to do?

[ Screams ]

Mother--

Oh, wait. Rip that out.

I'm supposed to explain
the dangers to you first.

[ Groans ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
While Joy finished making me
into a human pincushion,

the lack of food was
making Randy desperate.

- I crossed another one off--
Randy, no.
- [ Trap Snaps ]

[ Groans ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
An hour later, I learned...

the only thing as painful
as putting an earring in
your nipple is taking it out.

[ Earl Groans ]

Ooh. That one's nice.

Where are you going?

[ Muffled ] My tongue hurts
too much to watch TV.
I'm going for a walk.

[ Earl Screams ]

[ Earl Narrating ] As I tried
to find something else on my
list that didn't require money,

Darnell was trying
to help us stay alive.

Now, I know you don't have
any money to buy beers,

but two ladies just left the bar
and they ain't finished these.

- Here's napkins to wipe off
the lipstick.
- Thanks, Crab Man.

You see that, Randy?
I told you karma would
take care of us. Free beer.

Do good things,
good things happen.

There's a cigarette in mine.
So?

You know, I think having
that money spoiled you, Randy.

Just pinch your lips tighter
to keep the cigarette out.

Plus, it'll make your beer
last longer.

Here we go. Number 206--

refused to dance
with Too-tall Maggie
at the eight grade dance.

I can cross that one off easy.
Dancin' is free.

Here. Someone left
half a hamburger
by the pool table.

[ Sighs ]
There's a cigarette in here too.

Give it to me, princess.

Okay. All right.
No need to panic.

We'll cross Maggie off the list
and things will start to get
better. I know it, Randy.

I still believe.
You still believe?

I still believe.
Good.

We just need to stay positive
and keep moving forward.
Everything will work out fine.

[ Engine Sputtering ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Grunts ]

Where are you goin'?
To dance with Maggie.

Maggie.

Now what?

I don't know.
I'm really hungry.

Yeah, me too.

I spent the whole day
trying to pull a peanut
out of that heater vent.

Turns out it was just a moth.

- How was it?
- Dry.

[ Tape: Distorted Audio ]

[ Stops ]

Uh.

I don't know if I'm about
to pass out or fall asleep
from exhaustion,

but it's happenin'.

Huh?
Oh.

I'll give you 1,800 for it
if it runs.

It runs, just not right now.
It's out of gas.

I'll give you 1,785 for it.

Take it, Earl.
You know this car's
not worth more than 1,500.

- 1,500.
- Take it, Earl.
We're desperate.

1,200.
Hurry, Earl. He's lowering
his prices for no reason.

Sold.

It happened, Earl. You crossed
something off your list
and something good happened.

That's a lot of money.
Enough to get all your
piercing holes plugged up.

Yep, it's a lot.
Damn it, Crab Man.

What? Wh-Wh-What
are you doing?

I still owe Paul
five grand, Randy.

No, no.
I need to eat, Earl.

My stomach's making sounds
I never heard it say before.
It's his money, not ours.

But, Earl,
we got no place to live,
no car, no food. We're--

I'm sorry, Randy. Look, I have
no choice. I have to stick to
the list. You gotta believe.

Quit saying that!
I don't believe!

You hear me? I don't believe!
And I don't see how you can
still believe either!

'Cause I got nothin' else,
Randy! This is it.
This is all I have.

I didn't even get
to eat the moth!

Well, lucky you!
It tasted like moth!
Dry moth!

I'm sorry, Randy!

[ Earl Narrating ]
It's scary to see Randy
that upset.

But lucky for me, the dizzy Hulk
had a bad arm and terrible aim.

And lucky for both of us,
about two miles down the road
we found a bus stop.

Pull the cord. Paul's house
is near the next stop.

Pull the cord.

Randy, pull the cord.

Randy! Let me go.
Randy.

Uh, Randy.
[ Grunting ]

Aaah! Randy!

Uh, excuse me. Would you mind
pulling the cord, please?

[ Thuds ]
[ Woman Screams ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
Luckily, Paul didn't die.

But when the force of getting
hit by a bus makes your heart
and liver switch places,

uh, you're gonna feel it.

How you feeling, buddy?
Take the money back.

- What?
- Take the money back.

Okay.
W-Wait. You were
just hit by a bus.

You're still a little out of it.
That money is yours.

You don't know the whole story.
[ Groans ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Turns out
Paul knew more about the day
I won the lottery than I did.

Apparently, when you're blacked
out and laying in the middle of
the road, you miss a few things.

[ Tires Squealing ]
The ticket didn't go far...

before it was in the hands
of someone else.

And that person was faced
with a decision--

Help a guy lying
in the middle of the road
or take the money and run.

[ Tires Squealing ]

Paul decided to run.

[ Bengali ]

Meanwhile, the old lady that
hit me called her sister...

who convinced her to return
to the scene of the accident.

Fine. I'll go back.

But if I go to jail,
you're taking care of Mom.

Paul was making his getaway
with what he thought was
a stolen ticket. He was rich.

- [ Grunts ]
- [ Screaming ]

[ Tires Squealing ]

It was the happiest
three minutes of his life.

And over the next several days,
the ticket made its way
through Camden County,

just waiting for karma to
deliver it to the right person.

If Willie the one-eyed mailman
had better depth perception,

well, that ticket
could have been his.

Some people could've
even quit their day jobs.

But they were too busy
working to notice.

Some people could have had it,
but karma wanted them to find
other things instead.

Things like love.

Other people could have had it
if they just weren't busy
doing the wrong thing.

I got one! Problem Child 2!
I just saved us three dollars!

[ Earl Narrating ]
Yep. A lot of people
could've had that ticket,

but it just wasn't meant to be.

It was almost as if
the ticket knew where
it was supposed to go.

Okay, fine.
You took the lotto ticket
instead of helping me.

But that ticket was yours.
Why don't you want the money?

I don't like
what it did to me.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And then Paul told us how
the money had changed his life.

He got ridiculous new clothes.
[ Mother ]
Paul?

And then he dumped his mom
in a discount nursing home.

Money made Paul
a whole different guy.

Can you spare a dollar?

I can spare thousands of
dollars, but not for you.

Whoa-oa! Oh! Damn it!

[ Woman Screams ]

It was that karma stuff
you told me about, Earl.

This money's not supposed
to be with me.

I have a feeling
that if I keep it
it's gonna kill me.

The money's supposed
to be with you.

Wow, Paul. Thanks a lot.

Me and Randy'll keep using it
to do good things.

Things were back to normal.
Look, Earl.
No cigarette butts.

That's right, Randy.
It was a wild ride,
but everything turned out okay.

Plus, you crossed
three things off your list.

[ Slurred ]
Scoot it, sweetheart.
Move. Come on. Come on.

Check it out.
[ Laughs ]

I'm celebratin'. I just got
my hole piercing license,

which means I'm legal,
unlike you.

Con esto concluimos nuestra
primera temporada de Earl.

Estamos muy agradecido
con su acompañamiento.

Anticipamos verlos
el próximo otoño.

Blah, blah, blah.

[ Laughing ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Yep.
Everything was back to normal.