My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 23 - BB - full transcript

You know the kind of guy
who does nothing
but bad things...

and then wonders why
his life sucks?

Well, that was me.
Every time somethin' good
happened to me,

somethin' bad
was always waitin'
around the corner.

Karma.

That's when I realized
I had to change.

So I made a list
of everything bad
I've ever done,

and, one by one,
I'm gonna make up
for all my mistakes.

I'm just tryin'
to be a better person.

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Back in my criminal days,



I used to steal loose change
out of cars.

Since there's no way
to give the right change
back to the right people,

I have to find other ways
to pay the world back.

- Hey, Earl, wait up.
- Officer Ross.

You, uh, dropped your gun.

Oh.

[ Grunts ]
Cool.

Thanks.
Uh, I'm gonna have to
give you a ticket...

because it's illegal puttin'
money in other people's meters.

Seriously? Why?
I don't know.

Anyways, I'm gonna need
to see your license.

My license?

I don't have my license.
My ex-wife does and won't
give it back.

- Why?
- Well, 'cause she's crazy...



and it gives her an excuse
to torture me.

[ Camera Shutter Clicking ]

You sure this
will help the guys
in the Gulf win the war?

Once I go spread-eagle
Whitesnake-style on the hood,
it will.

Those boys need to remember
what they're fightin' for.

Hold on. I got an eye booger
the size of a walnut.

Oh, snap.

Earl's driver's license.
[ Chuckles ]

Holdin' on to this
for a rainy day.

Too bad it didn't
thunder when you said that.
That would have been cool.

- Like you're a evil genius
or something.
- That would have been cool.

I'm holdin' on to this
for a rainy day!

I think you need
clouds for thunder.

[ Wings Flapping ]

[ Gasps ]
Look at that bird up there.

How the hell do they stay
up there like that?

Wait.
So what you're sayin' is,
is that you've been...

operatin' your motor vehicle
without a license.

Yeah, yeah.
That's what I'm sayin'.

[ Earl Narrating ]
So instead of gettin'
one ticket, I got two.

I couldn't understand why karma
was punishing me for tryin'
to do somethin' good.

And why was it makin' me
go see Joy?

Joy, just give me
my license.

Why?
What's in it for me?

Well, you'd be
doin' a nice thing,

which would get you
two steps closer to heaven.

And if I had to guess,
you're probably a few
steps closer to somewhere else.

Look, Earl, I'd love to
give you your license back.

But before I return it,
I'm gonna need to see some
form of identification.

Some--
Some kind of picture I.D.
Perhaps a license.

You know, Joy, technically,
that license is state property.

It doesn't belong
to either one of you.

Darnell, you're paintin'
a turtle right now,

and I'm not takin' legal advice
from you or any other
turtle painter.

I'm just
makin' him more visible.
The kids keep steppin' on him.

You want your license back?

Well, I want
somethin' from you.

Fine.
What do you want me to do?

I want you to fix
that hole in the wall...

behind the Jesus-eatin'-dinner
picture that you put there.

[ Earl Narrating ]
The hole Joy was
talkin' about...

dated back to a fight
we'd had years before.

You cheatin' son of a bitch!
You're supposed to say "uno"
when you only got one card left!

I said "one."
You're supposed to say "uno"!
It's a Mexican game.

This is why the kids won't play
Candy Land with you anymore.

Joy, I'm not gonna
fix that hole.
Why not?

Isn't that what you do
on your idiot list?
Fix things?

Only things that are my fault,
and that hole isn't one of 'em.

I can't believe there's
a hole behind this picture.

That's a relief.
Last week it was
bangin' on the wall...

and I thought Jesus was mad
at me for puttin' that Darwin
fish on the back of the car.

I guess it was just windy.

Come on, Randy.
We have to drop Catalina off
and head down to the courthouse.

I'm gonna have to pay
for a new license.
Hold on.

I'm tryin' to get
two earthworms to fight.

The one
on the left keeps running.
Come on, homes. Kick his butt.

Do worms have butts?

If they do, they look
just like their faces.

[ Earl ]
Hey, that one
looks kinda angry.

Maybe we should cut him in half
and make him fight himself.

I don't think that would work.
If you cut me in half,
I wouldn't fight with my legs.

I'd try to work with 'em
and get us to a hospital.

- Hey, guys.
- [ All ]
Hey, Crab Man.

Darnell, do you know anything
about gettin' worms to fight?

Worms don't fight.
They're peaceful, loving people.
They got five hearts.

Listen, Earl, I'm gonna turn
around, and then I'm gonna
bend over and tie my shoe.

You might wanna thumb
through my hair while I do.

Okay.

Thanks, Crab Man.

No problem, Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ] That was
by far the best thing I'd
ever found in Darnell's hair.

And so I went down to the
courthouse to pay my tickets.

Bein' a metal detective's
gotta be the best job
in the whole world.

You get to see what everyone's
got in their pockets.

Go on through.
[ Beeping ]

- [ High-pitched Tone ]
- Look, this happens every
time I come through here.

- Where's Phil? Phil knows.
- Phil has the bird flu.
He's gonna be on the news.

No, look, uh, it's nothing.
[ High-pitched Tone ]

I-- I have a condition.

What kind of condition?

[ Softly ]
There's a-- a BB in my ass.

There's a-- a BB in my--
You have a what?

[ Loudly ]
A BB in my ass, okay?
I have a BB in my ass!

[ Earl Narrating ] That's when I
realized karma wasn't punishing
me by giving me those tickets.

It was leadin' me to
the courthouse to find her--
Gwen Waters.

When I was little,
I had a crush on Gwen.

[ Ricochet ]
There was just
somethin' about her.

And while I never worked up
the courage to talk to her,
other guys did.

And I didn't like it.

I learned
two things that day.

I hated guys with alligators
on their shirts--

[ Yelps ]
and I was a terrible shot.

- Oh, crap.
- You just shot me!

Why won't you believe me?

We need a female officer here
for a cavity search.

- We need to take you down here.
- I really don't
like to be touched.

I know what I gotta do
next on my list, Randy.

Number 147-- shot Gwen Waters
in the ass with a BB.

I have a certain sensitivity
to latex, okay?
I-I'm sure if you--

- For the love of God, will
somebody please call Phil?
- This way, ma'am.

[ Earl Narrating ]
After I paid my ticket,
I waited around to talk to Gwen.

Prosecution will show
that the defendant
was taking money...

in exchange for sex
at the Rainbow Burger
drive-through.

That's a lie.
I wasn't takin'
money for sex.

I was takin'
burgers for sex.

And curly fries for a diddle
and a pickle for a "lookee."

What? It's my
Tuesday afternoon special.

Uh, Your Honor,
I think we might need to talk
about a plea bargain here.

Five-minute recess.
In my chambers.

Gwen?
No, I will not draw
your stupid kid.

- No, Gwen,
it's me, Earl Hickey.
- Earl Hickey.

How was that cavity search?
Do you got any, or do you
brush pretty good?

- Randy, different cavity.
- Idiot.

Name-caller.
Wait. Gwen, look.
I need to talk to you.

I made a list of all the bad
things I've done and...

well, your ass is on it.

See? Number 147--
shot Gwen Waters in the--

- Well, you know where.
- You should have put down how
you lied to my dad about it.

[ Earl Narrating ]
It never occurred
to me shooting Gwen...

wasn't the worst thing
I did to her that day.

Oh, my God!
You just shot me!

[ Earl Narrating ]
I'd like to say I ran
to Gwen's house to apologize,

but the truth is I didn't
want to get in trouble.
I didn't shoot her.

I shot a crow carrying a rock.
It must have dropped
and hit her in the butt.

Gwen, how many times
have I told you,
don't play with birds?

[ Earl Narrating ]
Luckily for me,
Gwen's dad was a crazy drunk...

who believed a stupid lie
from a juvenile delinquent
over his own daughter.

No way! Dad, are you actually
going to believe that crap?

Inside.
Inside!

[ Door Opens, Closes ]

Son of a bitch never
believed a word I said.

That was the last time
I ever talked to him.

Are you serious?
In 20 years?

Yep. Two weeks later he left
my mom for another woman.

I don't even know
where he lives.

Out of my way!
I'm not goin' to jail
for a cheeseburger "handy"!

[ Yelps ]

I gotta go draw that.

- [ Man ] Oh, damn it, Patty!
- Just forget about it, Earl.
I'll see you around.

[ Randy ]
Why'd you ever
have a crush on her?

She's a bitch, not the good
kind like that "Kiss my grits"
lady from the diner show.

She was all,
"Kiss my grits."
We should go to Arizona.

Did you hear that, Randy?
Because of me, her and her dad
never talked again.

I gotta fix that.

Before, when you said
"different cavity,"
did you mean butt cavity?

I'm afraid so, Randy.

Sometimes I don't like
the world we live in.

[ Earl Narrating ]
It ends up, Gwen's dad
wasn't hard to find.

He was livin' outside
Hendersonville.

I found out later,
it was 'cause they wouldn't
let him inside Hendersonville.

Mr. Waters?

My name is Earl Hickey,
and you may not remember me,

but I wanna talk to you
about your daughter.

"Kipsie fopps."

Always like--
[ Belches ]
Good lightbulb.

Yeah,
60-watt is a fine bulb.

Anyway, how would you feel
about goin' to Camden to see
your daughter?

[ Mumbles ]

I bet he's
had 20 beers today.

That's how many I had
when I tried to plug
the television into that dog.

I don't think he
understood a word I said.

Maybe we should go
and come back another time.

I don't think we can.
Karma brought me to
the courthouse to do this now.

[ Grunting ]

He's not just drunk.
He's Uncle Roger drunk.
I know.

Look, we'll just bring him
back to Camden anyway.
We'll pour some coffee in him.

When he sobers up, I'll explain
what I'm tryin' to do, and then
I'm sure he'll want to see Gwen.

[ Earl Narrating ] Turns out,
gettin' Gwen's dad back
to Camden was a royal pain.

When we stopped to get coffee
to sober him up,

even that turned into
a nightmare.

There's no more!
Can I get some
more cups, please!

[ Yelps, Groans ]

- S-Sorry about that!
- [ Urinating ]

That's not the bathroom!

Where is he?

Hey! [ Laughs ]
Got you!

[ Earl Narrating ]
We got him off the roof...

by tellin' him we had beer
hidden in the back
of the El Camino,

and if he could find it,
he could have it.

Sign says
60 miles to Camden.

I wonder why
they call it a mile.

Well, because
that's what it is.

What else are you
gonna call it, a "clorp"?

No one would know
what you're talkin' about.

What are you doin'?

- [ Brakes Squealing ]
- [ Car Honks ]

Son of a bitch.

[ Earl Narrating ]
After losing Gwen's dad,

we backtracked to his trailer,
hopin' to find him there.

I miss Uncle Roger.
Except for when he
used to lick my cheeks.

'Cause he was hungry
and you had food on your face.

If you would have used
a napkin once in a while,
he would have let you alone.

[ Dog Barking In Distance ]

I don't think we can get
this guy back to Camden, Randy.

I'm gonna have to bring
Gwen here. Let's start
by gettin' him inside.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Patchin' up Gwen and her father
was provin' to be hard,

but we weren't givin' up.

Back at the trailer park,
Darnell was tryin' to
patch things up too.

Look, baby,
I fixed the wall.

That's for Earl to fix,
not you.

All right, this is
all the booze he's got.

It's gonna take a couple
hours to get Gwen.

Make sure
he doesn't drink anything.
[ Mr. Waters Shouting ]

What's he doin'?
He's awake, so I put him in the
bath and threw in a bar of soap.

What'd he look like naked?
Kinda like E.T. when they
found him by the river.

That poor little monkey.
He just wanted to phone home.

[ Earl Narrating ]
When I got to the courthouse,

I had to wait for a break
in the trial to talk to Gwen.

You Honor,
the defendant solicited sex...

from a uniformed officer
in the middle of the day.

That is a lie.

Show the video.

Hey, I know you're
a uniformed officer
and it's the middle of the day,

but would you like to
have sex with me for money?

Uh, You Honor, I'd like to
resign as this woman's counsel.

[ Earl Narrating ] When I
told Gwen what I was doin',
well, she wasn't very happy.

No way.
I am not going to Hendersonville
to talk to that son of a bitch.

Gwen, it's my daughter
Bianca's birthday--

I do not draw children,
Claretta.

Look, I had a bad relationship
with my dad too,

but patchin' it up
makes you feel really good.

Yeah? But I'm guessing your
father didn't treat you like
crap your entire childhood.

I do not want cake, Claretta.
Look, just forget
about this, okay?

It's not your fault.
You were just the straw
that broke the camel's back.

Uh, but that's the thing.
I'm the straw.

Without the straw, the camel
wouldn't have a broken back.

Yes, but if you remove
the straw from the camel's back,
that doesn't fix it.

The camel is still dead.

Camels can go
40 days without water.

We're done here.

[ Engine Shuts Off ]

She wouldn't come with me.

Where's the booze?

Randy, why is the door locked?

He tricked me.

Please don't
make me say how.

[ Lock Clicks ]

He threw my
favorite food at me, Earl.
What was I supposed to do?

Randy, bologna
isn't your favorite food.
Animal crackers are.

No, they're my favorite food
shaped like an animal.

Do you even listen to me
when we talk at night?

[ Earl Narrating ]
That's when I snapped.

I was gonna get Gwen
and her father together
whether they liked it or not.

Oh, crap. There she is.
Here, get these boards off.

Uh, hey, Gwen.
Oh, for the love of God.

If I shoot you with a BB gun,
will you leave me alone?
It's too late for that.

I know what you said about the
whole camel and straw thing, and
you're a better arguer than me.

I just can't live with
this on my conscience.

So I went ahead
and brought your dad here.
You what?

Hey, I tell you!
Geez!

Get out of the way there,
bologna boy.

Earl,
his pants are down.

He doesn't know that, Randy.
Just pull 'em up.

I don't wanna.
He's gross and his pants
are gross.

- Randy.
- Oh, my God.
That's my dad?

That's his house?

Hey, hey, no.
No!

He looks terrible.
I know.

He's kind of a drunk.

No!
You pull 'em up,
I'll poop 'em.

My God, look at him.
You want me to hold him down
so you can talk to him?

No.
Please? If you talk to him
for a minute, I'm sure--

I can't believe I wasted half
my life being angry at him,

thinkin' he got away with
treating me like crap.

Look at him.

[ Grunts ]

He didn't get away
with anything. He just...

got what was coming to him.

Karma.

Well, this is weird.

For the first time in 20 years,
I don't feel mad at my dad.

It's nice.
[ Chuckles ]

[ Earl Narrating ] It was then
I remembered why I had
a crush on Gwen 20 years ago.

It was her smile.

She always had
a beautiful smile.

So, you gonna
go talk to him?

No. I already got
everything I needed.

Thanks for bringin'
him down here, Earl.

And cross me off your list.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I'd be lyin' if I said this
was the end I was rootin' for.

I was hopin' Gwen and her dad
would make up on the spot.

But sometimes relationships
don't work out that way.

Sometimes the best you can
hope for is at least one person
walkin' away happy again.

I locked him in
the El Camino.
[ Engine Starts ]

I might have locked him
in there with the keys.

That's all right, Randy.
He won't get far.

He doesn't know you're
supposed to put your foot...

over the hole in the floor
to keep the exhaust out.

Let's go follow him.

Could we stop
and get some bologna?
I got a taste for bologna.

I can't make any promises,
but if we see a place.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Once Gwen let go of some of
that anger at her dad,

not only did she
find her smile again,

well, she found the smiles
in other people too.

I hereby sentence you
to a $500 fine.

Any chance you wanna take
that 500 out in trade?

I'll let you take a ride
on the Patty wagon.
Whoo!

Excuse me.
You do such beautiful work.
Would you sketch my little girl?

Why not?

[ Earl Narrating ]
And I realized that sometimes,

even when you didn't
do anything wrong,

it's okay to let stuff go
and try to patch things up.

See? I told you
it was your fault, dummy.

[ Earl Narrating ] It's better
this way. Holdin' on to anger
just eats you up inside.

Besides, karma's always there
to make sure things come out
the way they should.

Damn it.
Who left Jesus
and his buddies down here?