My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 22 - Stole a Badge - full transcript
Earl must return a police badge he once found and used for his own benefit, to the officer who lost it.
You know the kind of guy
who does nothing
but bad things...
and then wonders why
his life sucks?
Well, that was me.
Every time somethin' good
happened to me,
somethin' bad
was always waitin'
around the corner.
Karma.
That's when I realized
I had to change.
So I made a list
of everything bad
I've ever done,
and, one by one,
I'm gonna make up
for all my mistakes.
I'm just tryin'
to be a better person.
My name is Earl.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Sometimes after a rain,
Randy likes to come down...
to where the storm drain
lets out into the river...
and look for
what he calls treasure.
Another doll's head, Earl!
That makes four.
Just think,
if these were real heads,
this would be a terrible day.
Nice haul so far.
Got a key chain,
a baseball, 52 cents.
What's this, bacon?
I think so.
You're keeping bacon?
I like thinking about...
the journey it
must've taken to get here.
Oh, man!
The stain remover got away.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Catalina had come along
to do the motel washing.
That way she could keep
the money the manager gave her
for the Laundromat.
Get it, Earl.
I need it for the sheets.
I got it.
- I'll be damned.
- Oh, no. It's the badge.
I can't believe it
found its way back to us.
It's like one of them crazy-ass
Australian wooden Frisbees.
Get rid of it, Earl.
I'm not just getting
rid of it, Randy.
This badge is on a journey too,
just like that bacon.
And I gotta help it find its way
to where it needs to go.
[ Earl Narrating ]
The badge had entered our lives
a few years ago...
as we were enjoying
America's favorite pastime.
[ Snickering, Laughing ]
And, after we bowled, we enjoyed
our favorite pastime-- stealing.
We discovered that
when people bowl,
they stash their wallets...
and other cool stuff
in their street shoes.
The only valuables
you should ever keep
in your shoes are your feet.
What kind of kid puts acorns
in his shoes?
A squirrel kid might,
except a squirrel kid
doesn't wear shoes.
Unless--
No, even then it wouldn't.
Ow.
That's a policeman's badge,
Earl.
Shut up, dummy.
He knows what it is.
What are you gonna do, Earl?
That's a policeman's badge.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Joy was right, and so was Randy.
We stole a badge from a cop,
and that could lead
to all kinds of trouble.
We gotta get rid of it.
Ma'am, excuse me.
- Can we get our check, please?
- Oh, sure.
Oh, that's okay, Officer.
There's no charge for police.
[ Earl Narrating ] Getting
free pie in a world without
free pie was pretty cool.
Hey!
What the hell are you doing
towing a car with
the American flag on it?
Are you part Taliban?
[ Earl Narrating ]
But what was even cooler
than getting free pie...
was stopping a car
from being towed.
Excuse me.
Sorry, boss.
[ Earl Narrating ] That's when
I realized I had something
I did not wanna part with.
Something I never had before--
power.
And it turned out
having power was a lot of fun.
It made life easier.
Knowing I had that badge
in my pocket meant
I knew I could do no wrong.
No matter what kind
of mess I got myself in,
the badge was always there
to bail me out.
I was really enjoying
being on the force.
I couldn't even remember
how I used to live
without a police badge.
And I wasn't the only one
enjoying the power of the badge.
It's 1:00 a.m.
Do you mind?
This is a police operation, sir.
Would you like to go to jail...
in South America?
[ Earl Narrating ] The more we
used the badge, the more
comfortable we became...
pretending to be the police.
[ Siren Wailing ]
Ma'am, we saw you steal
an alarm clock,
seven CDs and a tube
of hemorrhoid cream.
I use that for my puffy eyes,
Mr. Nosy.
Somebody call the cops?
- Wow, that was quick.
- We got a really fast car
with lights on the roof.
Let's go, female thief.
You got some explaining to do.
Did you get me
that stapler?
Got it.
Evidence.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Yep, there was no end
to what we could do.
We were finally living
in a world of free pie.
But, after a while,
the power of the badge
started getting too dangerous.
Okay, listen up!
I want all the liquor
in this bar...
loaded into my truck,
and everyone's gotta help carry.
Except the ladies.
[ Scoffs ]
They need to
take their shirts off
and slap each other.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Creepy Rodney.
No one liked Rodney.
He was the worse kind of thief.
The kind that steals
from other thieves...
and doesn't shower.
Wow. When did Rodney
become a cop?
Uh-oh.
Can I have five
lottery tickets, please?
It's part of an investigation.
And a sour pickle?
We're looking into those too.
Hey, buddy.
How's the scratching going?
You know, they say
it's all the same,
but I really think side to side
is faster than up and down.
Wow.
That's interesting.
I'll see you later.
Free ticket!
Free ticket!
Free ticket!
Sir, I won! I won!
I get to scratch again!
If you don't want
to slap each other,
you can take turns kissing me.
Hey, Rodney,
you're not a cop.
Cops don't sell fake watches
out of their trucks.
Damn it!
I thought that said "Cucci."
I'm gonna use this for hassling
white people to make up for
300 years of racial injustice.
Or maybe I'll just use it
for Halloween.
Sorry, Darnell.
That's ours.
But if it makes you
feel any better, I'll use it
to hassle some white people.
The hell makes you think
you're gonna use it anymore?
You're the one that got
our stolen badge stolen.
Look, I found it. It's mine.
And nobody can use it
anymore except me.
Oh, hell, no.
Let go, Joy!
No! Let go!
I want it!
You let go!
No! You let go!
[ Earl Narrating ]
It was then and there we knew
the badge was too powerful.
It had turned us
against each other.
We had to get rid of it
before it destroyed us.
But karma didn't want me
to get rid of it.
Karma wanted me to give it back.
Number 127 on my list--
stole a badge
from a police officer.
The tricky thing
about returning a police badge
that you stole is...
if you're honest,
you go to jail.
I don't like jail.
Well, hello there, uh,
lady Officer.
Uh, I was out abiding
laws today,
and I stumbled upon this badge
and would like to return it...
to, uh, the policeman
or woman...
from whence it dropped...
off of, indeed.
Oh, I can't believe this.
Hey, guys, look whose badge
just walked in.
[ Earl Narrating ]
It turned out
the four lady cops were sisters,
and their brother
was also on the force.
A brother who kept his badge in
his street shoes when he bowled,
because the sharp edges
poked him on his follow-through.
As soon as he saw
his shoes were gone,
his heart sunk.
You see, one of the most
embarrassing things...
that can happen
to a police officer
is to lose his badge.
It's even more embarrassing
when your fellow officers
are your sisters,
and the captain of the precinct
happens to be your mother.
"Stud Police."
Where did you get that?
Spencer's Gifts.
When?
After I lost mine...
two weeks ago.
[ Sighs ]
I love you, Mom.
I mean, Captain.
[ Earl Narrating ]
After we stole Stuart's badge,
he got demoted...
to the worst post
a cop can have--
watching a highway rest stop.
There's no toilet paper
in the ladies' bathroom.
[ Sighs ]
I'm sorry, ma'am.
That's not my jurisdiction.
I'm a policeman, not a janitor.
I'm here for crimes.
Fine. Then the toilet paper's
been stolen.
I'd like to file a report.
Just take one roll.
The toilet's clogged up
in here!
I'm not a janitor!
But it's clogged!
[ Earl Narrating ]
Seeing Stuart so humiliated
made me realize...
I didn't just
take away the man's badge,
I took away his dignity.
I had to find a way to get him
his career back.
We just need to make Stuart
look like a good cop again.
You know, by, uh, catching
a criminal or something.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Luckily, finding a criminal
in the Crab Shack wasn't hard.
Hey! What are you doing
with my French fries?
Spit 'em out.
Spit 'em out!
[ Earl Narrating ]
Creepy Rodney.
Perfect.
We had watched Officer Stuart
and knew he was always
at the diner at 4:30.
All I had to do
was bait the hook.
All right, here's the plan.
We're gonna make a killin'
on this robbery.
[ Earl Narrating ]
We talked about how easy it was
gonna be to rob the diner.
And we made sure
Rodney heard that the job
had to happen at 4:35.
'Cause that's when the old
blind lady drags the sacks
of money across the floor.
And, just so everyone
knows we're serious,
we'll wave this baby around.
This is the best criminal plan
you ever thought of, Earl.
Thank you, Randy.
Now, as is customary,
before we pull off a big job,
let's close our eyes and pray.
Good. He's got the gun.
Nice acting, Randy. Randy?
And I want a puppy,
but not just any puppy,
a puppy that does tricks.
And please make it warmer in
the motel at night, or at least
let me find my thick socks.
And if it wouldn't freak
people out too much,
let me live forever.
- Amen.
- We're not gettin'
a puppy, Randy.
[ Earl Narrating ]
The next day,
the plan went like clockwork.
[ Bell Jingles ]
4:30. Right on time.
[ Earl Narrating ]
And five minutes later--
Perfect.
You put blanks in Rodney's
gun, right?
Yep.
What about
Officer Stuart's gun?
Does it have blanks too?
[ Gunshots ]
[ People Screaming ]
[ Earl Narrating ] The plan
didn't count on one thing:
Rodney was at the center of it.
And Rodney was just insane
enough to get himself killed.
- Everybody freeze!
- [ Screaming ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Gunshots ]
[ Gunshots Continue ]
[ Gun Clicking ]
Get out! Come on!
[ Clamoring ]
[ Gun Clicking ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
At that moment,
I knew two things:
Making Stuart a hero
wasn't gonna be easy,
and Rodney really,
really needed to be in jail.
Maybe we could get Stuart
to be a hero...
by throwin' him into that tank
at the aquarium and makin' him
wrestle an octopus.
That wouldn't make him a hero
unless the octopus
was committing a crime.
We're not gonna start thinking
of ways to get an octopus
to commit a crime,
'cause that has failure
written all over it.
I can't believe this.
That grunt Rodney
just got into my car
and licked my steering wheel.
- How am I supposed
to get home now?
- Yeah, that is a pickle.
- I thought you guys were gonna
get him put in jail.
- We're trying. You wanna help?
So as people bowl,
they're looking over here,
so we can steal their shoes,
which are over here.
Then we'll be rich.
Yeah.
Richer than
"What You Talkin' 'Bout's"
white daddy.
[ Earl Narrating ]
This plan had to work.
I figured if Stuart
wasn't comfortable enough
to be a hero at the diner,
well, maybe he'd feel
more comfortable in the place...
he spent most of all
his free time--
the bowling alley.
[ Man On P.A. ]
Ed, line two.
Ed, line two.
Help! Help!
That man stole my shoes!
Police! Excuse me.
Do you know where I
can find a policeman? I have
been the victim of a crime.
[ Scoffs ]
Forget it.
I gotta catch that moron
before he starts
lickin' my shoes.
What's wrong with you?
Excuse me?
That man just stole
people's shoes. You're a cop.
Chase him. Take him down.
I'm not a cop.
Yes, you are.
Your name is
Officer Stuart Daniels.
You work at a rest stop.
You got toilet paper
in your trunk
and a plunger under your seat.
All right, all right.
I'm a cop, okay?
Just not a very good one.
Now, leave me alone.
I came here to bowl.
If I wanted to get yelled at,
I'd go to my mom's.
[ Earl Narrating ]
I caught up with Stuart,
and, thinking I was
just a fellow bowler,
he let me buy him some pie.
I love pie. And as people do
when they eat pie, we talked.
He told me a story.
Apparently, being a cop
wasn't Stuart's idea.
[ Handcuffs Clicking ]
It was his mom's.
And even though being a cop
was in his blood,
it just wasn't in his heart.
The only time
he felt good about himself
was when he was bowling.
[ Bowling Pins Clattering ]
And he should have felt good,
'cause he was the best around.
The only thing
I ever really wanted to be
was a professional bowler.
[ Earl Narrating ]
And that's when I realized,
karma brought me here
to help Stuart's career,
but not his police career.
Then that's what
you should do.
What?
Be a pro bowler.
[ Scoffs ]
Yeah.
I mean it.
You only got one life, Stuart.
You may as well spend it
doing what you love.
Besides, you're a much better
bowler than you are a cop.
I suck at police work.
Plus, I have to pay...
for that toilet paper
I give away at the rest stop.
I don't really think
that's fair.
You know what? Why not?
I'm gonna go for it.
I'm gonna quit the force
and try to become
a professional bowler.
Good for you, Stuart.
[ Earl Narrating ]
I may not have gotten Stuart
his police career back,
but maybe that's not
what karma had in mind.
He finally decided to do
what he wanted with his life.
And so, I could cross
him off my list.
What's that?
Aw, what the hell?
You're not gonna
be a cop anymore.
I was the one
who stole your badge.
[ Earl Narrating ]
And so, I told him
about my list...
and showed him all
the bad things I'd done.
Wow. There's a crime on here.
A couple felonies.
This list is like
a confession.
I guess it is.
But one by one, I'm crossing
'em off, and one day
I'll have a better life.
W-What are you doing?
I'm arresting you.
But you're gonna be
a pro bowler.
Bowlers don't arrest people.
They bowl.
They-They bowl and people cheer.
What about your dream?
That's the problem.
It's just a dream.
This list is real.
I turn you in,
and not only do I get to
stop working at the rest stop,
they might even
make me lieutenant.
But-- But you-- But--
[ Earl Narrating ]
I couldn't believe it.
I was going to jail.
I was finally gonna pay
the ultimate price for
all the bad things I've done.
Karma had a plan for me,
and if this was it,
I wasn't gonna fight it.
I was ready to face the music.
[ Mouthing Words ]
My feet, on the other hand,
had a different opinion.
[ Bowling Pins Clattering ]
[ Grunting ]
Look, do me a favor.
Don't tell my new cell mate
how you took me down.
[ Handcuffs Clicking ]
What are you doing?
When you ran away,
I didn't reach for my gun.
I reached for my bowling ball.
I'm a bowler, Earl.
Well, then,
you should take this.
Thank you.
You should take this.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa! No.
Maybe you should hang onto this.
They may want you to turn it in
when you quit.
Oh, yeah.
Good luck with
the rest of your list, Earl.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Maybe Stuart was destined
to do what he wanted to do.
Maybe all of us
eventually take the journey
we're supposed to take.
Even Rodney.
Let's lose the shirts, ladies.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Rodney was also on a journey
to where he was supposed to go.
[ Siren Wailing ]
Oh, snap!
I'm gonna need
that jacket, dummy.
Thank you.
who does nothing
but bad things...
and then wonders why
his life sucks?
Well, that was me.
Every time somethin' good
happened to me,
somethin' bad
was always waitin'
around the corner.
Karma.
That's when I realized
I had to change.
So I made a list
of everything bad
I've ever done,
and, one by one,
I'm gonna make up
for all my mistakes.
I'm just tryin'
to be a better person.
My name is Earl.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Sometimes after a rain,
Randy likes to come down...
to where the storm drain
lets out into the river...
and look for
what he calls treasure.
Another doll's head, Earl!
That makes four.
Just think,
if these were real heads,
this would be a terrible day.
Nice haul so far.
Got a key chain,
a baseball, 52 cents.
What's this, bacon?
I think so.
You're keeping bacon?
I like thinking about...
the journey it
must've taken to get here.
Oh, man!
The stain remover got away.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Catalina had come along
to do the motel washing.
That way she could keep
the money the manager gave her
for the Laundromat.
Get it, Earl.
I need it for the sheets.
I got it.
- I'll be damned.
- Oh, no. It's the badge.
I can't believe it
found its way back to us.
It's like one of them crazy-ass
Australian wooden Frisbees.
Get rid of it, Earl.
I'm not just getting
rid of it, Randy.
This badge is on a journey too,
just like that bacon.
And I gotta help it find its way
to where it needs to go.
[ Earl Narrating ]
The badge had entered our lives
a few years ago...
as we were enjoying
America's favorite pastime.
[ Snickering, Laughing ]
And, after we bowled, we enjoyed
our favorite pastime-- stealing.
We discovered that
when people bowl,
they stash their wallets...
and other cool stuff
in their street shoes.
The only valuables
you should ever keep
in your shoes are your feet.
What kind of kid puts acorns
in his shoes?
A squirrel kid might,
except a squirrel kid
doesn't wear shoes.
Unless--
No, even then it wouldn't.
Ow.
That's a policeman's badge,
Earl.
Shut up, dummy.
He knows what it is.
What are you gonna do, Earl?
That's a policeman's badge.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Joy was right, and so was Randy.
We stole a badge from a cop,
and that could lead
to all kinds of trouble.
We gotta get rid of it.
Ma'am, excuse me.
- Can we get our check, please?
- Oh, sure.
Oh, that's okay, Officer.
There's no charge for police.
[ Earl Narrating ] Getting
free pie in a world without
free pie was pretty cool.
Hey!
What the hell are you doing
towing a car with
the American flag on it?
Are you part Taliban?
[ Earl Narrating ]
But what was even cooler
than getting free pie...
was stopping a car
from being towed.
Excuse me.
Sorry, boss.
[ Earl Narrating ] That's when
I realized I had something
I did not wanna part with.
Something I never had before--
power.
And it turned out
having power was a lot of fun.
It made life easier.
Knowing I had that badge
in my pocket meant
I knew I could do no wrong.
No matter what kind
of mess I got myself in,
the badge was always there
to bail me out.
I was really enjoying
being on the force.
I couldn't even remember
how I used to live
without a police badge.
And I wasn't the only one
enjoying the power of the badge.
It's 1:00 a.m.
Do you mind?
This is a police operation, sir.
Would you like to go to jail...
in South America?
[ Earl Narrating ] The more we
used the badge, the more
comfortable we became...
pretending to be the police.
[ Siren Wailing ]
Ma'am, we saw you steal
an alarm clock,
seven CDs and a tube
of hemorrhoid cream.
I use that for my puffy eyes,
Mr. Nosy.
Somebody call the cops?
- Wow, that was quick.
- We got a really fast car
with lights on the roof.
Let's go, female thief.
You got some explaining to do.
Did you get me
that stapler?
Got it.
Evidence.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Yep, there was no end
to what we could do.
We were finally living
in a world of free pie.
But, after a while,
the power of the badge
started getting too dangerous.
Okay, listen up!
I want all the liquor
in this bar...
loaded into my truck,
and everyone's gotta help carry.
Except the ladies.
[ Scoffs ]
They need to
take their shirts off
and slap each other.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Creepy Rodney.
No one liked Rodney.
He was the worse kind of thief.
The kind that steals
from other thieves...
and doesn't shower.
Wow. When did Rodney
become a cop?
Uh-oh.
Can I have five
lottery tickets, please?
It's part of an investigation.
And a sour pickle?
We're looking into those too.
Hey, buddy.
How's the scratching going?
You know, they say
it's all the same,
but I really think side to side
is faster than up and down.
Wow.
That's interesting.
I'll see you later.
Free ticket!
Free ticket!
Free ticket!
Sir, I won! I won!
I get to scratch again!
If you don't want
to slap each other,
you can take turns kissing me.
Hey, Rodney,
you're not a cop.
Cops don't sell fake watches
out of their trucks.
Damn it!
I thought that said "Cucci."
I'm gonna use this for hassling
white people to make up for
300 years of racial injustice.
Or maybe I'll just use it
for Halloween.
Sorry, Darnell.
That's ours.
But if it makes you
feel any better, I'll use it
to hassle some white people.
The hell makes you think
you're gonna use it anymore?
You're the one that got
our stolen badge stolen.
Look, I found it. It's mine.
And nobody can use it
anymore except me.
Oh, hell, no.
Let go, Joy!
No! Let go!
I want it!
You let go!
No! You let go!
[ Earl Narrating ]
It was then and there we knew
the badge was too powerful.
It had turned us
against each other.
We had to get rid of it
before it destroyed us.
But karma didn't want me
to get rid of it.
Karma wanted me to give it back.
Number 127 on my list--
stole a badge
from a police officer.
The tricky thing
about returning a police badge
that you stole is...
if you're honest,
you go to jail.
I don't like jail.
Well, hello there, uh,
lady Officer.
Uh, I was out abiding
laws today,
and I stumbled upon this badge
and would like to return it...
to, uh, the policeman
or woman...
from whence it dropped...
off of, indeed.
Oh, I can't believe this.
Hey, guys, look whose badge
just walked in.
[ Earl Narrating ]
It turned out
the four lady cops were sisters,
and their brother
was also on the force.
A brother who kept his badge in
his street shoes when he bowled,
because the sharp edges
poked him on his follow-through.
As soon as he saw
his shoes were gone,
his heart sunk.
You see, one of the most
embarrassing things...
that can happen
to a police officer
is to lose his badge.
It's even more embarrassing
when your fellow officers
are your sisters,
and the captain of the precinct
happens to be your mother.
"Stud Police."
Where did you get that?
Spencer's Gifts.
When?
After I lost mine...
two weeks ago.
[ Sighs ]
I love you, Mom.
I mean, Captain.
[ Earl Narrating ]
After we stole Stuart's badge,
he got demoted...
to the worst post
a cop can have--
watching a highway rest stop.
There's no toilet paper
in the ladies' bathroom.
[ Sighs ]
I'm sorry, ma'am.
That's not my jurisdiction.
I'm a policeman, not a janitor.
I'm here for crimes.
Fine. Then the toilet paper's
been stolen.
I'd like to file a report.
Just take one roll.
The toilet's clogged up
in here!
I'm not a janitor!
But it's clogged!
[ Earl Narrating ]
Seeing Stuart so humiliated
made me realize...
I didn't just
take away the man's badge,
I took away his dignity.
I had to find a way to get him
his career back.
We just need to make Stuart
look like a good cop again.
You know, by, uh, catching
a criminal or something.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Luckily, finding a criminal
in the Crab Shack wasn't hard.
Hey! What are you doing
with my French fries?
Spit 'em out.
Spit 'em out!
[ Earl Narrating ]
Creepy Rodney.
Perfect.
We had watched Officer Stuart
and knew he was always
at the diner at 4:30.
All I had to do
was bait the hook.
All right, here's the plan.
We're gonna make a killin'
on this robbery.
[ Earl Narrating ]
We talked about how easy it was
gonna be to rob the diner.
And we made sure
Rodney heard that the job
had to happen at 4:35.
'Cause that's when the old
blind lady drags the sacks
of money across the floor.
And, just so everyone
knows we're serious,
we'll wave this baby around.
This is the best criminal plan
you ever thought of, Earl.
Thank you, Randy.
Now, as is customary,
before we pull off a big job,
let's close our eyes and pray.
Good. He's got the gun.
Nice acting, Randy. Randy?
And I want a puppy,
but not just any puppy,
a puppy that does tricks.
And please make it warmer in
the motel at night, or at least
let me find my thick socks.
And if it wouldn't freak
people out too much,
let me live forever.
- Amen.
- We're not gettin'
a puppy, Randy.
[ Earl Narrating ]
The next day,
the plan went like clockwork.
[ Bell Jingles ]
4:30. Right on time.
[ Earl Narrating ]
And five minutes later--
Perfect.
You put blanks in Rodney's
gun, right?
Yep.
What about
Officer Stuart's gun?
Does it have blanks too?
[ Gunshots ]
[ People Screaming ]
[ Earl Narrating ] The plan
didn't count on one thing:
Rodney was at the center of it.
And Rodney was just insane
enough to get himself killed.
- Everybody freeze!
- [ Screaming ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Gunshots ]
[ Gunshots Continue ]
[ Gun Clicking ]
Get out! Come on!
[ Clamoring ]
[ Gun Clicking ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
At that moment,
I knew two things:
Making Stuart a hero
wasn't gonna be easy,
and Rodney really,
really needed to be in jail.
Maybe we could get Stuart
to be a hero...
by throwin' him into that tank
at the aquarium and makin' him
wrestle an octopus.
That wouldn't make him a hero
unless the octopus
was committing a crime.
We're not gonna start thinking
of ways to get an octopus
to commit a crime,
'cause that has failure
written all over it.
I can't believe this.
That grunt Rodney
just got into my car
and licked my steering wheel.
- How am I supposed
to get home now?
- Yeah, that is a pickle.
- I thought you guys were gonna
get him put in jail.
- We're trying. You wanna help?
So as people bowl,
they're looking over here,
so we can steal their shoes,
which are over here.
Then we'll be rich.
Yeah.
Richer than
"What You Talkin' 'Bout's"
white daddy.
[ Earl Narrating ]
This plan had to work.
I figured if Stuart
wasn't comfortable enough
to be a hero at the diner,
well, maybe he'd feel
more comfortable in the place...
he spent most of all
his free time--
the bowling alley.
[ Man On P.A. ]
Ed, line two.
Ed, line two.
Help! Help!
That man stole my shoes!
Police! Excuse me.
Do you know where I
can find a policeman? I have
been the victim of a crime.
[ Scoffs ]
Forget it.
I gotta catch that moron
before he starts
lickin' my shoes.
What's wrong with you?
Excuse me?
That man just stole
people's shoes. You're a cop.
Chase him. Take him down.
I'm not a cop.
Yes, you are.
Your name is
Officer Stuart Daniels.
You work at a rest stop.
You got toilet paper
in your trunk
and a plunger under your seat.
All right, all right.
I'm a cop, okay?
Just not a very good one.
Now, leave me alone.
I came here to bowl.
If I wanted to get yelled at,
I'd go to my mom's.
[ Earl Narrating ]
I caught up with Stuart,
and, thinking I was
just a fellow bowler,
he let me buy him some pie.
I love pie. And as people do
when they eat pie, we talked.
He told me a story.
Apparently, being a cop
wasn't Stuart's idea.
[ Handcuffs Clicking ]
It was his mom's.
And even though being a cop
was in his blood,
it just wasn't in his heart.
The only time
he felt good about himself
was when he was bowling.
[ Bowling Pins Clattering ]
And he should have felt good,
'cause he was the best around.
The only thing
I ever really wanted to be
was a professional bowler.
[ Earl Narrating ]
And that's when I realized,
karma brought me here
to help Stuart's career,
but not his police career.
Then that's what
you should do.
What?
Be a pro bowler.
[ Scoffs ]
Yeah.
I mean it.
You only got one life, Stuart.
You may as well spend it
doing what you love.
Besides, you're a much better
bowler than you are a cop.
I suck at police work.
Plus, I have to pay...
for that toilet paper
I give away at the rest stop.
I don't really think
that's fair.
You know what? Why not?
I'm gonna go for it.
I'm gonna quit the force
and try to become
a professional bowler.
Good for you, Stuart.
[ Earl Narrating ]
I may not have gotten Stuart
his police career back,
but maybe that's not
what karma had in mind.
He finally decided to do
what he wanted with his life.
And so, I could cross
him off my list.
What's that?
Aw, what the hell?
You're not gonna
be a cop anymore.
I was the one
who stole your badge.
[ Earl Narrating ]
And so, I told him
about my list...
and showed him all
the bad things I'd done.
Wow. There's a crime on here.
A couple felonies.
This list is like
a confession.
I guess it is.
But one by one, I'm crossing
'em off, and one day
I'll have a better life.
W-What are you doing?
I'm arresting you.
But you're gonna be
a pro bowler.
Bowlers don't arrest people.
They bowl.
They-They bowl and people cheer.
What about your dream?
That's the problem.
It's just a dream.
This list is real.
I turn you in,
and not only do I get to
stop working at the rest stop,
they might even
make me lieutenant.
But-- But you-- But--
[ Earl Narrating ]
I couldn't believe it.
I was going to jail.
I was finally gonna pay
the ultimate price for
all the bad things I've done.
Karma had a plan for me,
and if this was it,
I wasn't gonna fight it.
I was ready to face the music.
[ Mouthing Words ]
My feet, on the other hand,
had a different opinion.
[ Bowling Pins Clattering ]
[ Grunting ]
Look, do me a favor.
Don't tell my new cell mate
how you took me down.
[ Handcuffs Clicking ]
What are you doing?
When you ran away,
I didn't reach for my gun.
I reached for my bowling ball.
I'm a bowler, Earl.
Well, then,
you should take this.
Thank you.
You should take this.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa! No.
Maybe you should hang onto this.
They may want you to turn it in
when you quit.
Oh, yeah.
Good luck with
the rest of your list, Earl.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Maybe Stuart was destined
to do what he wanted to do.
Maybe all of us
eventually take the journey
we're supposed to take.
Even Rodney.
Let's lose the shirts, ladies.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Rodney was also on a journey
to where he was supposed to go.
[ Siren Wailing ]
Oh, snap!
I'm gonna need
that jacket, dummy.
Thank you.